Original subtitles

Ugh! That little shit, treating us like Jehovah's Witnesses.

Buzz again. You know that lazy B is home.

Sarah, come on, honey. Please.

I brought your favorite. Entenmann's Danish.

I don't want to talk,

and I haven't liked Danishes since I was ten.

Please, let me in.

I don't wanna be yelling on the street like a hooligan.

Well, maybe you can feed the Danish to one of your cyber skanks.

"Cyber skanks"? Her name was Deb, and she was a class act.

Paul, you know it's never too late to spank your child.

Sarah, I am your father. You cannot just not talk to me.

Hey, Walter, in your opinion, is Paul senile or just stupid?

Uh, excuse me?

Because he seems very confused

about what Sarah's made perfectly fucking clear.

Ugh!

I had to drive to New Jersey for this thing.

You know what else belongs in the garbage?

Your daughter. She's trash!

Uh, Walter?

That was my car.

Oh, it's okay, honey. This is all in your head.

And you need a new car anyway.

Is that in my head too?

Shit. I don't know all the rules. Run!

? That's just the way you make me feel ?

? That's just the way you make me feel ?

- ? That's just the way you make me feel ? - ? That's just the way you make me feel ?

? A-ha So good, so good, so fuckin' real ?

- ? So good, so good, so fuckin' real ? - ? A-ha ?

? That's just the way you make me feel ?

? That's just the way you make me feel ?

? It's like I'm powerful With a little bit of tender ?

? An emotional, sexual bender ?

? Mess me up, yeah But no one does it better ?

? There's nothing better ?

? That's just the way you make me feel ?

Ugh! Why don't they make coffee mugs wide enough to fit Pop-Tarts?

- I need my tart wet. - Shh!

Hey. Walter and Van are going at it.

No, you tell Sarah that when her father comes to her house,

you let him in the goddamn door.

Nah, not gonna tell her that.

It's one thing to ruin Sarah's life, but now you're fucking up my shit.

Not my problem.

So you can take your hysterics and shove 'em up your saggy ass.

My ass is the opposite of saggy,

and if anyone is hysterical, it's you!

Ugh, Van's impossible, right?

Uh, yeah.

So, uh, what's your plan for cracking that nut?

I ain't cracking shit.

I will not let myself be turned into a Hate Worm.

- Wait! No. - Not again. Not this time, bitch.

Sarah needs love more than ever.

Uh, remember what you taught me? "Love doubles down"?

Enough, Emmy!

When I said that, I was trying to inspire a young, dumb bug.

- But you're not that young anymore. - What? Yes, I am.

Paul is better off without his cruel, selfish daughter in his life, and so am I.

But Paul can't give up on Sarah.

Nah, don't listen to him. We're still young, baby.

Rick, is your nose bleeding?

It's that time of the month, if you know what I mean.

I mean, it's when my mom has to change my pillowcases.

No tour of Notre Shame would be complete without visiting

the Department of Reckoning with Genocide.

Ugh. What in the fuck?

And if you look over there,

you'll see one of our students crumbling under the enormous pressure.

I haven't slept in a week.

I started drinking my own urine.

Good heavens.

This college is magnificent!

Are you out of your fucking mind?

- Connie... - What? This place sucks.

I know. Notre Shame's a fricking bummer.

But shouldn't Montel decide where they wanna go to college?

No. We're the parents.

And I don't wanna pay for this fucked-up shame factory.

Holy sweet shit in a mini fridge.

Is that Rita St. Swithens?

Yeah. Not to brag, but she once told me I'd never amount to anything.

- Um, Professor St. Swithens? - Yes?

I'm your biggest fan.

I've read all your books, and, oh, I love your coat.

It's made from panda bear. PETA hates Rita.

Oh, I'm also being mentored by Lionel.

- Lionel? - Y-Your son.

You're not actually proud to be his prot�g�, are you?

Uh, based on your tone, I'd say no.

I don't actually like him.

I'm just running an elaborate honeypot scheme

where I lure him into a #MeToo scandal and ruin his career.

Darling, one must have a career for it to be ruined.

Oh my God, I made her laugh.

I wanna do that every day for the rest of my life.

Ooh, I can't wait to go to Notre Shame.

No! Before you decide, you have to at least see Fuck University.

Connie, it's Montel's choice.

But Fuck U is where we met.

It's where I became the bad bitch I am today.

Come on, honey. Don't you wanna be a bad bitch?

Oh, Connie Mommy. I already am.

Okay, but did you consider

I'll buy you a car if you look at Fuck U.

Done. I want a Kia Soul, and I'm gonna drive it to Chipotle.

Of course she's not picking up.

Sarah thinks you're moving on too fast?

We'll show her moving on.

Heya, it's Sarah. Leave a massage at the boop.

Boop!

Sarah, it's your father, Paul.

- Remember me? - Ooh, you nailed her.

I'd have preferred to tell you in person,

but, uh, it's time for me to sell the house.

Is this a joke?

So, if you want any of your old stuff, you need to get it this weekend.

Again, this is your father.

- Goodbye. - Fuck!

Screw him. You are not going up there.

I don't know. What about my stuff?

Like old pictures and... and... and my old yearbooks.

If any of that crap was actually important,

you'd already have it here.

- Yeah. I-I guess you're right. - I'm always right.

Remember when you were a kid, and I knew

that Miley and Hannah Montana were the same person?

You did. I still can't believe it.

So, this is the Fuck University quad.

It's where I used to hang out, study, get my thang licked.

Ooh, and this is the founder of Fuck University,

Dr. Charles Copulation.

- Chuckie Fuckie. - Yeah, the statue's also a lube dispenser.

Go ahead, Montel. Yank Chuckie's dick and put your hand under his asshole.

- I'm sorry. This place is a school? - Yeah, more or less.

I think they gave out grades.

- Oh my God! It's Connie LaCienega! - You are a Delta Cream Pi legend.

Ooh, Connie, you should do the DCP stroll with them.

- Yes! - Please.

Oh, no. I couldn't.

I-I'm sure I don't even remember the steps.

Or do I?

Beauty and brains Yeah, we work hard

DCP is running this yard

Cute, seductive, humble, and fly

We are the sisters of Delta Cream Pi

Ooh, Connie, get over here and stomp my yard.

Ugh.

I have been entertained, yes, but not swayed. Ahh!

Aw, man. Sorry, bro.

Oh dear. Ooh! They grow 'em big where you're from.

I'm Clarence. Are you in my Analinguistics class?

I am not. Uh, I'm just here on a tour with my parents.

Bro, you can't see the real Fuck U with your parents.

Come on. I'll show you around.

Oh, that's, uh, very kind, but I'm actually going to a real college,

like, where people drink their own urine 'cause it's so hard.

So, uh, I think we'll be leaving now.

Doesn't look like your parents are ready to leave yet.

We're Montel's mom and dad.

Hi, sweetie!

Let's get out of here before they start rimmin' each other.

Oh, great idea!

Do you have a wine opener?

I usually have one in my car, but I threw it out the window at a cop.

- It's not even 11:00. Are you okay? - Obviously not.

Van has totally isolated Sarah from her father,

and she won't even let her think about her poor dead mother.

- Emmy, she's not your client anymore. - I don't care.

If I could just get Sarah to go visit her dad,

I know I could help them work it out.

But sadly, you're a Lovebug, and Van can't stand Lovebugs,

so she'll never listen to you.

But she'll listen to a Logic Rock.

- Pete. - What?

Do you know why I'm singing your name?

It's 'cause I'm gonna make you do a thang.

- Hello, Van. It's me, Pete. - Can I help you?

Uh, how would you like a free bottle of wine?

It has not been opened.

Why are you giving me free wine? Where did you get it?

- Um... - Say you found it.

Uh... I found it, uh...

In the trash.

In the trash.

You found this bottle in the trash?

Great. She's asking questions.

Okay, now get her drunk, take off your shirt, and sit on her lap.

- What?! - Come on.

If you did that to me, I'd do whatever you wanted.

- Hello? - Um... Ugh.

Look, Van, I saw Walter blowing his top at you,

and, honestly, I don't like seeing Logic Rocks disrespected.

Ugh, yeah, he needs to back the fuck up and get off my crotch.

Pete, are you nude yet? I cannot see.

There is no way Sarah's going to get her stuff from that house.

Right. Of course. It's just, uh...

- What? - Well, uh...

I mean, it's her stuff,

and if Paul throws it out, he kinda gets the last laugh, right?

Interesting logic.

Oh my God, it's working!

Your nakedness is working.

Honestly, if it were my client,

I'd have Sarah go grab her stuff, so she can get Paul out of her life.

- Right. Cut the cord. - Rip off the Band-Aid.

Walter will hate that.

Thanks, Pete. It's always nice to talk Rock to Rock.

- Pete! We did it. - I did it.

Wait, how did you get dressed so fast? I was hoping to catch a glimpse.

- Emmy, please go. - Okay.

Oh, and there's the Wreck Area. if you wanna get your asshole wrecked.

Or your pussy. Or your mouth.

Cool. Yeah. Any hole. I get it.

I didn't want you to think it was only for assholes.

Woo!

Um, these facilities are all very sexy,

but don't you feel ashamed wasting your parents' money

on rimmin' butts and rearranging guts?

Yo, fam, I can see you're a Shame Wizard,

but there's nothing shameful about having fun in college.

Making mistakes is a part of growing up.

Wow, that's a surprisingly intelligent perspective.

Whoa! My dick's hard. You wanna come to my room?

Wow. Cool room.

Anyway, shall we make good use of my hard dick?

You bet!

But, um, I know I seem like a wizard of the world,

but it's actually my first time.

Oh! No worries, bro.

We don't have to do anything if you don't want to.

No, I want to.

I guess I'm just a little nervous.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

even when sex sucks, it's still pretty chill.

Actually, that kinda does.

So, uh, wanna give me a tour of your... butt campus?

- Admission granted. - Mm!

This is so weird.

I haven't been back since the funeral.

Hey, I'm not gonna let anything in there hurt you.

Let's go get your "precious heirlooms" or whatever, and get out.

Hello, Sarah.

I'm gonna get my stuff, then I'll be out of your hair.

- Good! - We don't have to talk.

- I don't wanna talk. - I don't wanna talk to you either.

Perfect.

Me and Sarah and you two old assholes not talking to each other.

I'm not old! I am timeless!

Just so you know,

I have big plans, Sarah, and they don't include you!

Yes, I'd like to order a one-person pizza, just enough for me.

Yeah, you show her.

In and out.

- Surprise! - What the...

Jesus, you're such a fucking stalker.

A stalker with presents.

Damn, that's heavy. I don't know how Santa does it.

Well, probably opioids.

Wait, wait, wait. Didn't we fire her?

Yes, but I brought you so many good memories,

and it's all the good times you had in this house with your parents.

- Yeah, I don't wanna see that shit. - Yes, you do.

I promise, it'll make you feel better.

From when you were six. Remember?

- That's strange. - Oh God. Mom.

It says here, you're one inch tall.

That can't be right.

What? Did you steal these from the Memory Bank?

Yeah, and look. It's working.

Measure me again!

She was such a good mom.

But you were such a bad daughter.

- Oh my God! - You weren't there for Mom

when she needed you most.

Sarah? She's not real. Just ignore her.

Ooh, I swear it wasn't like that in the Memory Bank.

But, uh... But don't worry. I've got other great ones. Here.

Aww. So cute. You used to play salon.

But she lost all of her hair from the chemotherapy.

- Oh boy. - Emmy, enough!

Wait, no.

What about your 11th birthday? That was definitely awesome, right?

- Happy birthday! - Happy birthday!

Oh my gosh. A wand.

Give it a try, kiddo.

Ooh!

You cast a love spell.

Mm.

Ew! No kissing on my birthday.

- Phew! Finally, a good one. - He loved her so much, Sarah.

- He did love her. - All right, let's get outta here, before...

- You abandoned him too. - Stop it!

You left him with no wife and no daughter.

Shut up!

And it pains me to say this about a fellow woman,

but you're a selfish cunt.

- Whoa! - Stop it!

This is why I didn't wanna come here. I can't do this.

- Cool fucking memory bag, Emmy. - I'm sorry.

Sarah? Sarah, it's okay.

No, you shut up too.

Just leave me alone. All of you, leave me alone.

- Happy now, Emmy? - Obviously not, Van.

Fuck.

Oh, there it is.

That's where I dipped my nuts in the wet cement.

Ooh, look at that. "Maury's balls were here."

And I wrote that with the tip of my young penis.

Got cement in the hole. Got very infected.

Oh, Maury, isn't it sad that Montel doesn't wanna follow in your nut-steps?

This place did make me the monster I am today.

Cracked me right the fuck open.

See? That's all I want for Montel.

For some hot stud to crack them wide open.

Well, guess what? You can consider me cracked.

Oh, Montel. You had random sex?

I sure did. But now I'm torn.

The D was that big, huh?

No. I mean about my future.

I thought Notre Shame was my absolute dream school,

but maybe you guys are right.

Maybe learning is stupid.

- That's all we've been saying. - I can't even read.

The only book I care about is the American flag.

Oh.

And if someone burns it, I'll fucking kill them.

I don't give a damn if you fire me.

I'm confused by Bosch.

The chief told him to leave the case alone but that's not what he's doing.

Oh, he's doing the opposite. Yeah.

Uh, Bosch is very passionate about his job.

Walter, I fucked up! I fucked up bad!

Emmy, what are you doing here?

I had this whole plan to fix Sarah,

but it all went sideways, and now she's shut everybody out.

Yes, very on-brand for her. And Paul is done with that bullshit.

Come on, Walter! What about all your love lessons?

You're the one who taught me love means showing up.

- It's too late, Emmy. - No, you can't give up on this case.

I'm not giving up on this case.

- You tell 'em, Bosch. - Oh my God!

That is such a sign.

- Please, please don't give up on Sarah. - Uh, Emmy, I don't...

I know she's been a pain in the ass, but she's hurting bad, man.

And you know, and I know, even that grumpy cop on the TV knows,

that Paul loves her unconditionally,

and goddamn it, he's her father, so get his ass up there!

- Okay. - Wait. My speech worked?

It was a very good speech, Emmy.

I'm so proud of how you've grown.

Aww.

Paul, honey, could you please turn off the TV?

What? But Bosch is... Why?

Hear that? Upstairs?

Sarah needs you.

But... she keeps saying she doesn't.

She's just scared.

That's why you've gotta go up there and fight for her.

Really? But...

- Trust me, boo. - Okay.

You know, Bosch also has a complicated relationship with his daughter.

Of course I don't know that, Paul. What the fuc... Girl.

- Hey, sweet pea. - Go away.

- Walter? - No giving up. Be like Bosch.

I know you don't wanna talk to me, and that's, um, totally okay.

Don't listen to him, Sarah!

Hey, Van. Back off.

I fucked up, I know, but you fucked up too,

so let's give Paul a shot.

But maybe... maybe you could help me with something?

I... I can't figure out who the murderer is on Bosch,

and... and you've got such a good brain for that stuff.

- What the fuck is he doing? - I think he's calming her down.

He could always do that.

So, the main suspect is the owner of the apartment complex.

He's played by that guy your mom just loved.

Oh, shoot, what's his name?

- He has, like, uh... - You know, a wide smile.

- What else is he in? - She's talking!

Um, that submarine movie.

- Something with a... - With a month.

Um...

The November to Remember...

Dad, are you talking about Hunt for Red October?

Yes! Yes, that's my girl.

Yeah. Yeah, I... I was close.

So, uh, what's... going on with you, sweetie?

You must hate me.

What? I don't hate you.

Wh... Is that why you're crying?

It's this whole house.

- Seeing you. All of Mom's stuff. - I know.

And I... And I wasn't there.

I was just so scared to see her and make it real, but then...

Shh, shh.

It's okay. It's okay.

I can't believe I didn't get to say goodbye.

And, fuck, then you had to go through all of this on your own.

Hey, come on.

I can't be in this house, Dad.

It just reminds me how I broke everything.

There's nothing you could do to ever break this, honey,

because you're all I've got.

You really don't hate me?

Hate you?

Sarah, I have so much love for you.

It's all I think about.

It overwhelms me.

And sometimes, I can't even get the words out.

That... That doesn't make sense.

Why would he just... let her off the hook after everything she did?

Hey, logic has its limits.

- I love you, Dad. - I love you, kiddo.

Aww.

Look at her.

I only wanted to keep Sarah from feeling pain, but...

...I didn't realize how much joy I was keeping out too.

- Oh my. Are those tears I see? - No.

Come on, Van. Get in here before you bust a fucking duct.

Let's go, Walter. You too.

I really don't like to be hugged.

And that's why, Madam Peen,

I think I'd be a real asset to your university.

And of course, they're a legacy,

so we all know how this is gonna go.

Well, Montel's transcript is very impressive, but...

...there's no semen on it.

Are you passionate about sexual intercourse, Montel?

Tell her about this afternoon. How you fucked that rando?

Oh, I did. I went to hump town with a virtual stranger.

Mm, I see. And was it hot?

Oh, yes! It was wild.

And kinda silly.

I'm sorry. The sex was "silly"?

Yeah! I mean, the sounds are absurd.

- Montel... - And the parts are ridiculous!

Eh... What are you doing?

What? His penis was bizarre!

It was a dogleg left.

And, guys, when he came, he dabbed and said, "We out here cummin'"

Young monster, are you sex-shaming your partner?

What? No! Uh...

Maybe, uh... I'm just being myself.

Well, there's no room for shaming of any kind at Fuck U.

So, if you plan on ejaculating here,

you're gonna need to get rid of that cloak and change your attitude.

Leave shame behind?

Well, I... I guess I could change my whole personality to fit in here.

Oh, no, you will not!

You were perfect the moment you shot out of your father's anus,

and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let this stupid Peen tell you otherwise.

And that means something coming from your mother

because she didn't even want you.

You're right!

Madam Peen, I am a bad bitch,

and I'm gonna do great things,

but not here at this dumb-fuck school.

I'm going to Notre Shame.

Damn right! Fuck you and fuck Fuck U.

That's right, Madam.

You can kiss my 15-dollar-a-year alumni donation goodbye.

- Storm out! - Storming.

Oh my gosh.

I forgot Mom used to buy us matching outfits.

Well, you insisted.

More, more!

Oh God.

Remember when Mom stayed up all night to help me finish that science project?

And sweet Paul was so mad the teacher gave his wife a B-minus.

Actually, it was a B-plus,

and Paul was pissed that the teacher had called the project "inelegant."

Your mother loved you so much.

She did more of your homework than you did.

Aw.

Oh God, Dad. I miss her so much.

I can't... I can't do this. I can't.

Oh, Sarah.

It comes in waves.

I... I thought... I thought I was okay, and then, suddenly...

I know. Suddenly it hits you.

- She's gone. - Yeah.

There you go. Let it all out.

Who are you?

Oh, this is my good friend, Keith from Grief.

It is so nice to meet you, Sarah.

Yeah, he really helped me through some scary times, honey.

And I think he can help you too.

Your dad has told me a lot about your mother,

and I am so sorry about your loss.

I don't want it to hurt anymore.

The only way out is through.

Are you listening to this A student?

Sarah, your dad is a mensch.

He sure is.

Mm.

Mm.

Oh, this is cozy.

- What kind of soap do you use, Sarah? - Uh, the cheapest kind?

Well, it smells great. I hope it rubs off on the wool.

I'm happy you guys are all with me.

- This is way nicer. - Yeah, it is.

I don't wanna jinx it, but everything's really turning around...

That fucking asshole!

I was merging!

Wait. I know that car.

Is that asshole...

Ben! Ben, the urinal guy!

Go! Get him!

Oh-my-God.

What are the odds, right?

Well, I'd say the universe wants us to hang out again,

or you hired this guy to follow me and kill me, maybe?

That does sound like something I'd do.

Come on. A third meet-cute? It's a threet-cute.

This is the end of the rom-com, where the hero lady gets banged out

on the side of the highway inside a smoking hot car.

What rom-coms are you watching?

I mean, this is kinda perfect, Van.

I don't know.

With all the grief stuff you've been avoiding...

But it's not up to me. Emmy's leading the team now.

- I am? - Well, Emmy, what do you think?

Van's right.

- You should probably hang with Keith. - Sorry, bubala.

Before you go back to dipping Ben's pen in the company stink.

Um, I...

I just wanna say, I'm... I'm sorry I was such a jerk before.

I... I was dealing with some shit.

I still am. But, uh, it wasn't fair to you.

Yeah. I'll have you know, my sisters say I'm a real catch.

I'd love to have another shot, but, like, maybe in three months?

Well, as long as this guy doesn't kill me before then, I'm in.

Yes, yes, I shall let them know, Mummy.

Oh! And since I have you, perhaps you and I should grab dinner next week?

Uh, hello?

Uh, Mummy? You still there?

So, what did Rita say?

Well, first, she said she'd love to have dinner with me.

A very long one actually, very soon. Yes.

But more importantly, she's elated you chose to attend Notre Shame next year.

It's the perfect fit for me. I would not last a day at FU.

I'm too smart to waste my life on bad sex.

Oh well, we do have bad sex at Notre Shame too.

Oh! Maybe while I'm there, I'll fuck your mom real bad.

Yes, then we'll both have fucked each other's parents.

And then, maybe we mix it up and fuck our own parents?

- I'm not into that. - Yeah, well.

Wait till Notre Shame gets through with you.

Yo! Morning treat. Pop-Tarts and java.

I figured out the Pop-Tart fits if you break 'em in half.

- Hey. Walk with me? - Wait. What are you doing?

The Sarah stuff was a wake-up call.

I've been avoiding my own shit for a long time.

Yeah, I... I kinda noticed.

So, I'm gonna take some time to sort myself out.

Oh, man, that is so healthy.

But also, I'm really gonna miss

working with someone who turns me on so fucking much.

I know you will.

Hey, I'll be thinking about you when I'm in the tub or sleeping on a bus.

Sarah's lucky to have you, Emmy.

You really are... oddly compelling.

Damn. What a hot fucking exit.

Hoo!

? No one dies from love ?

? No one dies from love ?

? Guess I'll be the first ?

? Guess I'll be the first ?

? Will you remember us? ?

? You remember ?

? Or are the memories Too stained with blood now? ?

? No one dies from love ?

? No one dies from love ?

? Guess I'll be the first ?

? Guess I'll be the first ?

? Will you remember us? ?

? Will you remember ?

? Or are the memories Too stained with blood now? ?

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