Original subtitles

♪ I swear ♪

♪ By the moon and the stars in the sky ♪

- ♪ And I swear ♪ - ♪ I swear ♪

♪ Like the shadow that's by your side ♪

- ♪ I'll be there ♪ - ♪ I'll be there ♪

♪ For better or worse ♪

♪ I'll love you with... ♪

So, what do you think?

Maury, I think it's a perfect way to catch people up from last season,

and the perfect montage to show at Montel's Jizz Mitzvah.

Well, I am quite taken with my own handiwork.

Oh! Speaking of handiwork...

...we should offer handies at the Jizz Mitzvah.

"Hire handyman to give hand jobs."

I can't believe our sweet Montel

is officially joining the Hormone Monster community.

It feels like just yesterday they shot out of my asshole

and into our lives.

Ugh, so true.

Oh, not to be dramatic, but if everything in this ceremony doesn't go perfectly,

I'll light my apartment on fire while we're all inside.

Maury, will you try to relax?

"Relax"?

I still have to lock down the dick-pic photo booth.

I haven't even confirmed the ice sculpture depicting Montel's conception.

Okay, but let's not forget the true meaning of this Jizz Mitzvah.

Montel jacking off on stage behind a sheer curtain

while we all wait for ejaculation.

Ooh! Which of these gimp suits should I wear on the big day?

Should I showcase my arms or my balls?

Oh God, not more of this garbage.

But it's all for you, my sweet baby!

For me? Oh, please!

I'm just there to put on a little jack-off show

for your friends and a couple elected officials.

Montel, have you been using the sheet I put up for stroke practice?

I don't need to practice. I already know how to whack off. Gawd-ah!

But you've never done it in front of everyone who loves you.

You might get stage fright.

Yeah, like your father at his Jizz Mitzvah.

- Connie! - What? That's what happened, right?

Yeah, but they don't need to know that!

- Jeez Louise! - ♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

- ♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪ - ♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ A-ha So real, so good, so fuckin' real ♪

- ♪ So real, so good, so fuckin' real ♪ - ♪ A-ha ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ It's like I'm powerful With a little bit of tender ♪

♪ An emotional, sexual bender ♪

♪ Mess me up, yeah But no one does it better ♪

♪ There's nothing better ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

I know, Lucinda, and I am so sorry.

I've got two clients named Lucinda,

and I thought you were Lucinda P, but you're Lucinda B,

and that's why you acted so inappropriately with your boss.

Because Lucinda P is fucking her boss,

and I know it's toxic, but love is love, right?

Hello?

Hello?

Well, I've lost another one.

Mmm, see, Emmy, this is why I keep

both paper and digital folders for each of my clients.

Color-coded, of course, so that I never mix them up.

Pete, I'm not you. I'm not meant to be good at my job.

Labor does not agree with me.

When will my life get fun again?

- Well, I think work can be fun. - Oh, Pete, honey.

You have no idea how to be fun.

Yes, I do. Look at my mug.

"Don't Vark Too Aard"?

It's an aardvark in a... ...in a suit, like a businessman.

Oh, God, another client?

"Sarah K. Twenty-eight. Clinton Hill"?

I'm gonna go sit on the toilet and pretend to poop to avoid working.

Also, one time I hit a beach ball at a sporting event.

I'm very fun!

I think you're fun, Pete. I saw you eat a frozen banana yesterday.

- I know. It's almost like ice cream. - Oh, Pete.

Ahh!

Rochelle, you lovable, fuckable, buggable girlfriend of mine.

Dante, is this charcuterie basket for me?

I may have lost my meat,

but I've still got cheddar to spend on my girl.

- Hold this for me, chief. - Oh, uh... Oh, okay.

Um, uh, yeah, I actually just remembered

I have to conduct business here at my work desk.

Wow, a full meat basket? That is love, Gil.

Hey, Joe, why don't you ever buy me a meat basket?

Come on, Gilly, you know I love you.

Well, say it with mortadella, please.

I miss you even when I'm with you, babe.

- God, I know. - Mm!

Let's sneak to the bathroom together, yeah?

Ugh, I wish I could, but I have work.

I'll just get under the desk then, yeah?

I have to taste you, babe, or I'll go mental.

Dante! In the office?

- Uh, you guys aren't actually gonna...? - Oh, yes. We are.

Okay, um...

I'm just gonna go sit on the toilet and pretend to have a bowel movement.

- This is so inappropriate. - Mm!

Aww, look at those two.

They can't keep their hands off each other.

- I know. It's disgusting. - It's sweet.

You know I love love.

He's giving her oral pleasures under her desk, Walter.

Ew! Can't you just call it something normal?

Yeah, whatever.

- Cunnilingus isn't what I'm interested in. - I am.

There's something weird going on with those two dudes.

- Is there? - You noticed Dante seems to hate Pete?

Well, he did cut off Dante's dick.

Nah, the guy had three dicks,

and Pete saved his life. It's more than that.

You don't think you should just mind your own business

and respect their privacy?

I'm just kidding.

We're coworkers.

- Their business is our business. - You right.

- Maury, baby, you need to calm down. - "Calm down"?

If I don't get Wolfbang Fuck

to do the passed apps for this Jizz Mitzvah,

I'm going to freak out.

Oh! The preparations are underway, I see.

- I look forward to the big day. - What'd you just say?

I even bought a sexy new fashion belt from a mean teenager at Hot Topic.

Why you buying belts?

- Why, for the Jizz Mitzvah, of course. - Hey! How do you know about that?

And Maury, look at you.

Making your baby body a forever body.

Very brave.

- Maury, did you invite him? - Of course not.

We went to great lengths to invite everyone in the office but him.

Well, he cannot come.

This is an event that should be totally free of shame.

Yeah, he'll just make people feel bad

for watching our offspring squirt their nut.

Exactly. Let's go tell him to shove his new belt up his ancient anus.

Yeah, buckle first.

Okay, Sarah K. Please be an easy one. Mama needs a win.

Thanks, Raoul. Put it on my tab and give yourself a nice fat tip.

- You are a prince among men. - Mmm.

Okay. Nice to bartenders. She seems cool.

Hey, Sarah, I'm Emmy, your new Lovebug,

and possibly your new best friend.

Oh. Okay.

So, uh, what are you loving these days?

Boys? Girls? Cold, hard cash?

Well, I dunno. I guess I'm just lovin' life.

All right. No red flags here. Mind if I, uh, pull up a stool?

- Well, well, well. - Wow.

Who's this cute little bumblebee?

Who are you?

- I'm Van, Sarah's Logic Rock. - Cool.

And now it's your turn, girly. Who are you?

Oh, I'm, uh, Emmy, her new Lovebug.

I see. Fuck right off, Emmy.

Cool. Wait, wait, what?

Nothing personal. We're just not big on love. Right, Sarah?

- Yeah, love's so complicated and messy. - Oh...

And these humans, they're only alive for, like, what?

- Eighty, ninety years? - Sometimes less.

So, honey, my philosophy is maximize pleasure, minimize pain.

No, no! Hold... Hold on.

Pleasure's actually my whole thing. It's kinda all I care about.

Come on, Van. Let her stick around. It's Tipsy Tuesday.

I'm fun, I promise. So fun, I didn't even know it was Tuesday.

All right, but you gotta catch up and keep up.

Told you I was fun.

I'm actua... I'm good.

All right, lightning round. Greatest shame. Kitty.

Ooh! She secretly loves Ted Lasso.

Correct.

Montel, what the hell are you doin' with the Shame Wizard?

Please tell me you two are planning a terrorist attack.

- Lionel's been mentoring me. - Exsquirt me?

Montel is quite gifted at pinpointing one's greatest shame.

Observe. Gil.

Ooh! Thinks about Joe when he's making love to his wife.

Indeed. Joe.

Thinks about his wife when he's making love to Gil.

Brilliant! Maury.

Everyone loves Connie more.

He'll always live in the shadow of her fabulousness.

- Hey! How dare you! - Ahh!

I mean, that is very insightful.

No, it's not. Not insightful.

Montel, why are you doing all of this bullshit

instead of preparing for your Jizz Mitzvah?

Because, Mama Maury, I've been thinking, and... I don't want a Jizz Mitzvah.

But my big binder.

Baby, your father's been going overboard with the whole event...

Shut the door. I'm burning us alive.

We can make it smaller, more intimate...

You don't get it. I don't want any kind of Jizz Mitzvah.

But, sweetie, how will you be ritually welcomed

into the community of Hormone Monsters?

Well, that's just the thing.

I don't want to be a Hormone Monster.

- What?! - Oh, God!

Maury, you were right the whole time. I wanna do the burning family thing.

Oh, I wanna roast from the inside out.

Oh, me too.

That actually went better than I thought it would.

Yes, but my office is burning.

Guys, if I don't pee right now, I'll fucking die.

It's gonna absorb into my bloodstream and give me tinkle brain.

- One of my mom's friends died from that. - We'll just go in the dudes' room.

Uh, oh, my God.

How the hell do this many guys have to take a dump at once?

- Ooh, what if we tried a urinal? - Good call. Grab the middle one.

So, do I, like, mount it straight on?

- Nope, nope, nope, nope. - Backwards. Definitely backwards.

- Oof, if you pee on me... - Ohhh.

Sweet mother of all that is bright and shiny,

that feels so good.

Oh, uh...

- Hi? - Uh, ahoy.

I'm sorry. A... Am I in the wrong, uh...

Nope. Welcome to the men's room.

Well, thank you for being such a nice host.

- Aww, this guy's cute. - Ooh!

I-I'd love to let you finish, but I've really gotta pee.

Nah, don't be silly, big dawg.

Unzip. Unfurl.

Okay, "big dawg" is, uh, unfurling...

Woo!

Don't look, if you don't mind.

Don't wanna look if you don't want me to look.

That means there's nothing worth looking at.

That's not what I'm... You know what?

As a rule, we typically don't talk to each other in the men's room.

What? I'm not talking.

- Okay, but now you are, actually. - Yeah, because you looked at me.

Hey, can you guys flirt somewhere else? I'm trying to focus.

- No, we're not flirting. - Yes, we are.

Oh! Okay. Very cool.

Sarah, I peeked at his penis, and it's a good one.

Wow, an impromptu invite to drinks with co-workers.

Sounds like something that would happen to a fun individual.

- Pete, that jacket. - Fun, right?

- I was gonna say deeply upsetting. - All right. Enough chitchat.

Pete, what the fuck's goin' on with you and Dante?

Me and Dante?

Boo-boo, it's obvious he hates your rock-hard guts.

We just wanna know why, you sweet, beautiful baby boulder.

The hell are you doing?

I thought we'd play a little bad cop, fab cop.

I fuckin' love it.

Now, tell us what else you did to Dante

or I'll pull your heart outta your asshole!

Wha... Nothing, I swear.

Petra, be nice to my pretty little pebble.

- Pebble, spill the tea. Mwah. - What is happening?

What'd you do, huh? Fuck his sister?

- No, his mother? - What?

Why'd you fuck his mother in front of his father?

- What the hell's wrong with you? - Nothing. He's perfect.

We're gonna open a restaurant together.

Stop yelling at me and kissing my forehead.

Dante is only mad at me because I had to slowly cut off his penis.

Hey, guys.

- Nice jacket, mate. - Oh, thank you...?

What'd you skin Barney the dino for that thing?

- Shut up. - Fuckin' hideous.

- I got him that jacket. - You did?

Pete, you look great.

Oh, I do?

Uh, I-I mean, who cares what you think. Not me.

Bullshit.

I bet you prance around your apartment in it,

calling yourself "Mr. Rochelle."

Come on, Dante, leave him alone.

Holy shit, that's why Dante hates you.

You got a thing for Rochelle!

No, I don't.

That's why he wears the deeply upsetting jacket.

- Just shut, shut, shut it. - Oh, we're good.

Wow, wow, wow, wow. Okay.

So you got the hots for Dante's girl, and then you cut off his dick?

You're an evil genius.

No, I had to cut it off.

Of course you did, Pebble. Only two more to go.

Can I ask, are you washing your hands because you got pee on them

or because you have a filthy penis?

Oh, this is actually the first time I've ever washed my hands.

I just wanted to keep this weird hang going.

Ew. But aww.

I know, right? Meet-cute in the potty? Who'd have thought?

Okay, keep your little glow in your pants, Emmy.

Here it comes.

"Logically, you shouldn't be picking up guys in bar bathrooms."

I don't sound like that.

And logically, now that you've seen his penis,

you should find out what that sucker tastes like.

Huh! What does a human penis taste like?

Mmm, it's nothing to write home about. At best, it tastes like soap.

Actually, at best, it tastes like you, darling.

Hey, babe. All right, all right, let's fuck the urinal guy.

Ready? On three. One, two, three...

Let's fuck the urinal guy!

What a delightful group.

Montel, sweetie, talk to me.

What on earth are you gonna do if you're not a Hormone Monster?

Well... I... I plan to become a Shame Wizard.

- What?! - No!

I... I've thought about this a lot.

I like the clothes, I like seeing humans in a tortured state,

and I think I'd be really good at it.

Well, do you think you'd be good at being shunned by your entire community?

That's what's gonna happen

if you don't masturbate to completion on that stage tomorrow.

What your father means to say is we just want what's best for you.

No, what I mean to say is how the fuck did this happen?

Connie, do you think this is maybe our fault?

I mean, is it possible we were too horny?

Or not horny enough? No, no, no, too horny.

- Yeah, too horny. - Definitely too horny.

Guys, it's not like I'd be the first creature

to switch to another line of work.

Montel, baby, if you're scared about jacking off in front of people...

It's not that.

This is about me pursuing my destiny, and my destiny is in shame.

But you're gonna make it so hard for yourself.

You'll face prejudice, Montel.

I am so cruel to people that are different than me.

Uh, Maury, walk it back.

What I'm trying to say is everyone will hate you, my sweet baby,

just like they hate Lionel.

Well, I don't hate Lionel. I find him inspiring.

Now you're just trying to hurt Daddy.

Sweetie, you gotta realize, this is very important to your father.

Oh, come on, Connie. Not you too. You're supposed to be the better one.

I am the better one.

Montel, you are getting Jizz Mitzvah'ed whether you like it or not.

The heck I am.

Looks like we're gonna have to sedate them and Weekend at Bernie's this Jizz Mitzvah.

Way ahead of you.

Ow!

- Aw, shit, I darted you. - Oh, I love you.

What? What's happening?

Why the hell did you set an alarm for 1:00 a.m.?

Ohh, oh.

It's my one-night-stand insurance policy. I never spend the night.

Well then how are we gonna parlay this meet-cute

into a full-blown relationship?

Honey, we're not here for a relationship. We're here for fun. Then we skedaddle.

- AKA the smash and dash. - The nail and bail.

The fuck and duck.

But hold on, I-I'm all for fun,

but wouldn't it also be fun to, like, sleep over,

have breakfast together, spend the whole day doing sex and TV?

I mean, I kind of wouldn't mind spending the day with this guy.

- And then what? Start dating? - Yes.

- Become exclusive? - Of course.

- Move in? - That sounds good.

Break up? Be miserable? Cry on the subway?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Van, don't you think you're being a little pessimistic?

Uh, no. We had fun. It was great. Now let's just take the win.

Huh. I'm not sure I've ever taken the win.

Em, listen.

I've crunched the numbers on love, and the stats are pure ass.

These relationship things, they almost always end in heartbreak.

- Or death. - Exactly.

So let's just remember this beautiful experience and move forward.

And it was a beautiful experience, right?

So beautiful.

- Great. Can we bounce? - Wait.

Uh, can we just steal something to remember him by?

Yes. Love it. How about some cash?

Mmm, I was thinking something more intimate.

- Okay. - Deodorant?

I panicked.

Oh, yeah. We can work with this.

Good morning. Hi.

Hi, nice to see you. Oh, your breasts look lovely today.

I told you Montel wasn't gonna show up.

And now the ice sculpture is melting, the dick daisies are wilting,

and nothing is going according to plan.

Hi, lovely to see you. Your ass is exquisite.

Oh, is that an iTunes gift card?

Thanks for coming.

Oh, there's Pete and Mona. Let's go say hi.

- I bet he'd love that. - Excuse me?

Listen, babe, I didn't wanna have to do this,

but, like, you can't talk to Pete anymore, okay?

What? Why not?

- He's fuckin' in love with you. - No, he isn't.

Yeah, he is. He's dying for you to give him a Melbourne handshake.

He practically admitted it to me

right after he separated me from my favorite fucking donger.

- He said that? - Look, it's gonna be him or me, all right?

You're being insane. I'm not gonna stop talking to my friend.

So, what? You're... You're picking him over me?

- That's not what I said. - Good. You'll never talk to him again.

- It's agreed. - No, it's not!

You're seriously gaslighting me right now, and I need a drink.

Van is such a fucking blast.

She uses logic as an argument to, like, party and have casual sex.

- She's awesome. - Ooh!

Sounds like you wanna go spelunking in her Van cave.

No, I don't.

Well, unless that means having sex with Van,

in which case, yes, I do.

What's going on? Where's the pervert of honor?

Oh, they'll be here any minute.

They're just in the back chubbing up, getting ready for the big event.

Maury, we both know where Montel is. You gotta go make this right.

Oh, I know. And I'm gonna miss the passed apps.

Save me some jalapeñis poppers and some dicks in a blanket

and also some egg rolls.

And when we skedaddled I convinced Sarah to steal his deodorant.

So, yeah, I'm killing it both personally and professionally.

Hold up. You guys did a post-meet-cute skedaddle?

A skedaddle is the enemy of love. It undercuts the meet-cute.

No way. Van says it just leaves you open for more meet-cutes.

Emmy, if you want love to blossom with this guy, you can't be skedaddling.

Well, maybe we don't want love. I mean, then what?

They move in together and inevitably break up?

Listen to you! Ugh!

This rock brainwashed you into being a Lovebug

who doesn't believe in love anymore.

- Yeah, I'm with Walter. - God!

Do you always have to show up right when I'm about to win an argument?

You were not gonna win.

Van played you. She's a Logic Rock.

We are, as a species, much smarter than Lovebugs.

- Well, Petes, as a species, smell like... - Feces?

Uh, no.

Shit. Bitch.

Ugh, of course that shame-soaked weirdo lives in an abandoned church.

Montel?

Montel!

Welcome to my humble home, Maurice.

Can I offer you some tabernacle wine?

Or perhaps a disgusting cracker?

Where is my child, you floating freak?

Hello, Mama Maury.

- Wow, great entrance. - Thank you.

Montel, I am done with your little games.

There is an entire ballroom of my friends and colleagues

waiting for you to publicly masturbate.

You are coming with me now.

Oh, no, I shan't.

- Oh, yes, you shan. - Shan't!

Wha... Why are you doing this to me?

I'm not doing it to you. Don't you get it? It's not about you.

- Work, bitch. - You shut it.

Montel, how could it not be about me? You're rejecting everything I stand for.

But what about what I stand for?

Honey, I support anything you want to do,

but, yuck, a Shame Wizard?

Oh, listen to you. You're so prejudiced. You sound like a miserable old bigot.

Hey! I am not old. I am young and cool and everyone knows that.

Right, because all the young, cool monsters

make their children feel like a disappointment for being different.

Well, that's not what I'm doing... is it?

Well, yeah. You made me feel like you don't love me for who I am.

Oh my God. I've been a bad Mama Maury.

And how does that make you feel, Mr. Young Cool Monster?

I'm... I'm so ashamed of myself.

And that's a Yahtzee.

You see, Maurice? Your child's a savant.

- Wow, you really do have a gift, Montel. - Thank you.

And I gotta tell ya, I did not plan to back down.

In fact, I was fully prepared to ruin our relationship,

and then murder Lionel.

Eh... What's that now?

All right, now that I've sung Sondheim's entire body of work,

I will list my sexual partners from the 1990s,

starting with Mr. Paul Reiser.

Hurry up, Maurice.

Hey, Van, uh, just so you know.

- I, like, believe in love, okay? - Okay.

And I know you're all cool and fun and good at your job,

but I'm getting actually good at my job too.

And love, it's important. I believe in it, and I...

What the fuck?

Eh, it's just the way you were talking, all passionately.

- I just felt like I had to kiss you. - Oh, my God.

You're so random. Stop!

So, uh, what were you saying before?

I, um... I have no idea.

I guess it wasn't that important then, right, Em?

Yeah, you're probably hot. I mean, you're probably right.

Bye, Daddy. I mean Mommy. Uh, I mean, officer?

Fuck! Get outta here, Emmy.

Ooh, you're my favorite server, you know that?

It's because of your tits.

Hey, Rochelle.

I'm sorry if me wearing the jacket made Dante upset or drunk or something.

Pete, stop. It's not your fault.

- Hey! Get away from her, rock. - Dante, what the fuck?

- Oh, shit. - Fuckin' knew this was comin'.

- First you cut my favorite dick off. - You were gonna die.

And then you accept presents from my girlfriend?

Okay, well, the present was technically before the dick-cutting...

Oh, Pete, Pete, Pete.

So what's next? You... You gonna go down on her in front of me, mate?

- Huh? - What the fuck?

Throw her on that table? Theragun her doorbell until her head falls off?

God!

- No! - "Theragun her doorbell"?

Should I get a Theragun?

You think I'm not a man anymore 'cause I only have two dicks, huh?

Dante, chill the fuck out.

Stay out of this. You've done enough.

Hey!

- Oh, my God! - Holy shit!

Holy shit! Do I wanna fuck Pete?

Get in line.

Look, uh, Dante, I am so sorry to have to do that.

- It's just that, uh... - You're dead, Pete.

Excuse me?

I'm gonna find a way to get you and ruin your goddamn life.

That is, like, a very direct threat.

Dante, you're being an asshole. Leave him alone.

- How about I leave you alone, forever? - What?

And just so you know, I never loved you.

- I was only addicted to you. - Dante?

Every fucking moment I spent with you was a complete waste of time.

My God.

You can all rot in hell.

Dante out! Ha!

I, um...

All right. You can all stop being bored now.

- We have finally arrived. - And yes, my belt buckle is a seatbelt.

Everyone, everyone, quiet down.

My beautiful child has an announcement to make.

And they have my full support.

Hormone Monsters, Monstresses,

and other creatures from my parents' work who I neither know nor care about,

while I'll always be horny...

- Whoo! - Oh, yeah!

...my true passion is making humans feel like shit.

Yes, there it is.

So I will not be Jizz Mitzvah'ed today.

- What? - Because I am becoming a Shame Wizard.

No, not "boo." Not "boo." Opposite of "boo." "Yay!"

Hey, hey, as much as it pains me to say it, I...

Ugh.

...agree with Lionel.

Not "boo," "yay" to my child for being their true self.

But who's gonna cum behind the curtain?

Yeah, it's a million years bad luck

to have a Jizz Mitzvah without a curtain squirtin'.

- We demand an ejaculation! - Let's get juicy, baby.

Then we'll do it. Maurice?

After you, Constance.

- And done. - Oh my God, already?

Shit. Now it's getting soft.

Connie! Connie!

Oh, no. It's my Jizz Mitzvah all over again.

- Connie! Connie! - Oh, Connie, they really do like you more.

Aw, Maury.

They really do.

♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme ♪

♪ What I want, yeah ♪

♪ What I want, yeah ♪

♪ Why don't you tell me, tell me Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me ♪

♪ It's freaky ♪

♪ Wanna please me ♪

♪ From side to side, New York, bye-bye ♪

♪ To Tokyo, konnichi wa ♪

♪ From East LA Let me hear you say ♪

♪ Konnichi wa ♪

♪ Good, good I ain't afraid to stay ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I can't hit all 'Cause, baby, I'm a king ♪

♪ See my crown ♪

♪ Good! ♪

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