Original subtitles

In the spring of 2013...

Barney and Robin were just weeks away from tying the knot...

but there were still some pretty big issues they hadn't agreed on.

- Adoption. - I don't know.

It's the only thing that makes sense.

I can't believe you're not open to it.

Okay. Let's try it.

No. It doesn't work with 27 down.

Hey, with the wedding so close, maybe we should talk about where we're gonna live.

Fine. Enough. Stop begging.

We'll live here... but you owe me.

Yeah, I don't know.

There's just a lot of things I don't totally love about your apartment.

- Like what? - Well, for example...

why is your bed on what looks like train tracks?

You were wonderful.

You don't get to be a state-certified orgasmologist...

without learning how to please a woman.

You don't mind if I spend the night, do you?

Um, how else are we gonna get to know each other on a deeper level?

Excuse me. I just have to log tonight's orgasms...

with the licensing board.

The Ho-be-gone Sleep System...

by Stinson... patent pending.

What is on the other side of the wall? Where do the hos go?

What am I, a contractor?

We need to go into this marriage with a fresh start.

What do you say we find a new place together?

I love you...

and if that will make you happy, then let's do it.

Mmm.

Wow. So we need to find an apartment where I haven't banged someone.

- How do you feel about Cleveland? - Ha, ha.

No. Ted's mom.

Shh.

Nice job filling in for Lily on Marvin's lullaby.

Thanks, but I came in early on the horsey.

Stupid!

No, you really nailed all of Lily's parts.

It's been three weeks since I have.

I barely see her anymore 'cause of this new job.

You know what might cheer you up?

There's a new Woodworthy Manor on tonight.

Woodworthy Manor was a show...

about an upper-class English estate...

at the beginning of the 20th century.

My word! You can't possibly mean...

But I do.

With the succession of Lady Eastbrooke...

to Viscountess of Marleyhead...

our cousin Baldrick becomes...

- the Earl of Witherstead. - The Earl of Witherstead!

I only posted that prediction 15 times on the forums!

No, I can't.

I promised Lily I would wait and watch it with her.

Problem is the Captain.

Lily had just started a job as the art consultant...

for an eccentric billionaire, the Captain.

Ahoy.

There's a hot new artist in Red Hook.

He's molded world currency into a sculpture...

of a soulless plutocrat defecating on the poor.

A scathing indictment of capitalism.

I'll go as high as 200K...

as long as you think I can flip it for double in six months.

Aye, aye, Captain.

Ahoy.

There's this gorgeously delicate impressionist still life...

reminiscent of Monet's Water Lilies.

- Where is it? - Rikers Island.

The artist is serving two consecutive life sentences...

for aggravated homicide.

I'm willing to go as high as six cartons of cigarettes...

and a jug of toilet wine.

Is it a strain feeling like a single dad at times?

Sure, but Lily's been busting her butt at this new job.

It's not like she's been out there partying.

Man, I'm faced.

I ate a ton of caviar, but it soaked up none of the champagne.

- Mondays, right? - Yeah.

When did you get glasses?

Oh. You mean my glare-reduction Lunettes.

Yeah. They help me discern genius from pretentious crap.

Too bad you weren't wearing those glasses when you bought those glasses.

Well, listen, baby, I'm just happy to see you...

and if you're not too tired, maybe we could watch Woodworthy Manor tonight.

- I'd love to. - Great!

'Cause I've come up with a fun little game.

I made figgy pudding and I put it in shot glasses.

And every time they say...

"The dowager will be less than pleased"...

you have to...

Ahoy.

A seven-foot-tall, cross-dressing Cambodian...

is throwing glitter and fish guts at a billboard on the B.Q.E.

So he's some sort of conceptual painter?

No. No, just a crazy person on the local news.

I thought you might have a laugh. You're off the clock. Relax.

I must own it.

Aye, aye, Captain.

Hey, did you find a Realtor to sell this place yet?

Robin, a Realtor's just gonna give it to the highest bidder.

I need this place to go to someone worthy.

And I've made some inquiries.

Barney?

My son.

Barney, enough with the floating Jor-El head...

from the Fortress of Solitude in Superman, okay?

- It's getting old. - I only use it to say really important stuff.

Last time, you used it to tell me...

Wendy's had introduced a spicy version of the Baconator.

Exactly.

And now, my son...

it is time for me to bestow on you...

Can we just talk face-to-face like normal people?

Ted, just... just... Okay.

My son, it is time for me to bestow on you...

- Close the door. - No. This is...

Oh, my God. Can you just be cool? Once? Please?

Just once.

Can you just once be cool?

Once. Please.

My son, for many years...

this apartment has been my Fortress of Barnitude...

but now the time has come for me to pass it on.

Soon, this place will become...

your Fortress of Soli-Ted.

Barney, I wouldn't live here even if you scrubbed every inch of this place...

with Purell, amoxicillin and holy water.

Fine.

But I think we can both agree, it would be totally awesome...

to see my deal floating around all huge-like on the big Jor-El cam.

Hold on.

Now it's a little cold here in the Fortress, so don't judge...

Wait.

What did you... That's...

Okay, that's not funny. Ted, open the...

Walls closing in.

Can't breathe.

Must...

show deal...

on Jor-El cam.

I...

Oh, well. Guess I'm keeping this place forever. Good night.

Wait... Wait a minute. That's it?

Ted wasn't interested in buying your apartment, so you just gave up?

Barney, I gave up my beautiful two-bedroom apartment...

on the Upper West Side that was rent-free...

and the landlord hand-washed all my delicates.

Which is probably why it was rent-free.

The point is I need to buy all new underwear...

and you agreed that we would find a new place together.

Oh, God, Barney, relationships are about trust and compromise.

You can't just... Oh, you are so dead.

If I ever figure a way out of here...

I will make your life a living he...

Lily and I really need this night out...

big, fancy dinner and the ballet.

Thank you so much for babysitting.

Hey, three bucks an hour. Thank you.

Oh. Hey, baby. Yeah, I'm just on my way out.

If you get there before...

Come on, really?

I'll see you later.

Captain? I'm sorry, dude.

But, hey, look at it this way.

Now you don't have to go to the ballet.

Get your head out of your ass, Ted. There was no ballet.

We were gonna sneak into your apartment and bang.

Well, you know what might take both our minds off that?

Little, uh...

Woodworthy Manor.

No, I can't.

I promised Lily that I would wait and watch it with her...

and I feel like I'd be cheating on her.

Sure, sure, sure, sure. I get all that.

It's just, um...

You know, tonight they're gonna finally reveal who framed the chimney sweep...

for stealing Lord Stoutshire's gooseberries.

And reveal the winner of the local gardening competition.

I don't know how they're gonna pack all that action into one episode.

♪♪ Oops.

- No, Ted, you know, I promised Lily. I... - Shh, shh, shh.

Just let it happen.

Later that week, Barney came home to discover...

that Robin had a little surprise waiting for him.

- Mimosas? - Mm-hmm.

"Freshly baked cookie" smell?

A middle-aged woman in a red blazer?

I see what this is.

You finally greenlit my orgy idea.

Okay. It's an open house, Barney.

Say good-bye to your fortress.

If we weren't about to have an orgy...

I'd be so mad at you right now.

If you'll follow me into the bedroom...

I'll show you some beautiful woodwork.

I am way too upset right now to point out...

how many women have seen some beautiful woodwork in there.

Angry self five!

- Robin, I did not agree to this. - Yes, you did.

That is why I gave up my apartment...

not so I could live in a disease-riddled bang pad...

haunted by the ghosts of your ex-skanks.

The bathrooms are Italian marble.

Hello, old bean. Jolly good evening, isn't it?

What are you doing here? And why do you sound like Madonna?

Robin asked us all to come here and pretend...

that we are prospective buyers who love this apartment.

And inspired by a character on Woodworthy Manor...

I've decided to play Emsbury Postlethwaite...

a handsome cricket player who secretly hates his life.

You don't have to be a cricket player.

Tell that to Emsbury's father.

Sorry!

I was checking out some mole people's graffiti art...

and my cape got caught on the "F" train.

Mmm. Mwah. Bisou, bisou.

Oh, what a cute baby. What's his name?

- Marvin. - For my father.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Have you two been looking at a lot of places in this neighborhood?

- Oh, actually they're not... - Yes, we have.

- What? - My husband, Emsbury, and I just love this area.

I'm a cricket player who secretly hates his life.

- What are you doing? - Well, you were late yet again...

and so I'm gonna do this little scene study with Ted.

Why? Because he's there for me.

Pretending you're married?

That's going a little far to prove your point, isn't it?

Excuse me, but I think it's offensive to suggest...

the only reason gay people get married is to prove a point.

No. No, no, no.

- I didn't... That's not what I... - Thank you, sister.

Somebody needs to get this lady's mind a rearview mirror...

- because she is thinking in reverse. - Mm-hmm.

Hate is a four-letter word.

I didn't... I voted for...

- Oh, is this part of a security system? - Sort of.

It's connected to the welcome mat. You see...

Let's say the young lady you're bringing home is dressed for winter.

Under those layers, an unwelcome surprise could await you.

The scale with body-fat calculator I've hidden under the welcome mat...

makes sure you never have banger's remorse.

The Heavy Set Go...

by Stinson... patent pending.

'Cause there's only one kind of chubby you want in the bedroom.

Am I right, people?

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

I don't want to tell you and Emsbury how to raise your child...

but I think if you keep letting him nap, he's gonna be up all night.

Funny. You sound like someone who's been around for his bedtime lately.

Uh, can somebody get this lady a storefront?

'Cause she needs to mind her own business, mm'kay?

Would you stop it?

Oh, right, right. Because it's a choice.

You know what's not a choice? Being gay for this kitchen.

That came out wrong. The point is, let's focus on this awesome apartment.

You're right.

Look at that fabulous plasma television.

My ex-husband... who never supported my career...

would love to watch the Vikings...

never win a Super Bowl in franchise history on that thing.

- How dare you. - Don't let her push your buttons.

Right.

I don't care about football.

I'm more of a...

Woodworthy Manor fan.

I very much enjoyed watching it the other night...

With Emsbury.

- Oh, you didn't. - Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I know who deliberately overwatered Lady Chillsbury's prize-winning roses.

They have been building to that reveal all season, Marshall.

- Don't you tell me... - It was Parson Smallsby.

- Wow! Great view. - And customizable.

Let's say you promised a girl a surprise trip...

to the most romantic place on earth.

No peeking.

Wow, we must've gone far.

We were on your private jet for, like, six hours.

Well, you definitely weren't on a bus to Delaware and back wearing earplugs...

I'll tell you that much.

And I think you'll agree it was worth the wait once you see the view.

Et voilà, ma chérie.

Oh, my God!

You flew me to Vegas?

It's, uh... It's Par...

Well, hey, whatever works. Whatever... Mmm.

The Room with a Screw...

by Stinson... patent pending.

I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to drive people away.

No, I'm not. I'm just trying to show off all of its one-of-a-kind features.

See... See, there's also, uh, Venice...

Niagara Falls...

African safari.

Oh, and my favorite.

Huh?

Nothing gets a girl to go from on the fence to on all fours...

faster than thinking everyone she's ever held dear is a glowing pile of ash.

Mushroom cloud five.

I love your accent.

Thank you. I practiced it all morning.

You are adorable.

That Marshall's a lucky man.

Well, aren't you ducky?

Seriously, if you were straight, I'd be all over you.

Huh.

- What's this? - Oh, God.

Only the best thing ever.

Let's say you had a wonderful night with a girl...

But now she's turning into a bit of a morning-after pill.

See? We need to extend the chute and add a landing spot.

And you said testing it with a dummy was a waste of time.

No, I said "dressing the dummy" was a waste of time.

The Escape from Bitch Mountain...

by Stinson... patent pending.

Okay. He's kidding. It's just, you know, in case of fire.

No, but I'm glad you mentioned fire.

See those smoke detectors?

Say these words.

"I'm looking for a deeper commitment."

Oh.

It's also triggered by "I'm too tired," "Let's snuggle"...

and "I'm a week late."

Barney, I'm getting wet.

And that turns it off.

Look, just stop talking.

We've made up our minds.

Oh, well, thanks for taking a look. I'll walk you out.

We'll take it.

If you never get a black light, you'll be so happy here.

Yes! Yes!

Trouble in paradise?

We have a child together.

I can't believe you watched Woodworthy Manor without me.

I can't believe that you're mad at me.

I've been abandoned by my wife and my gay companion.

If I get blinded in one eye by a badminton shuttlecock...

you might as well call me Lord Esterbrooke.

You watched the new one without me?

Betrayal stings, doesn't it, Emsbury?

- Hey. - Hey.

- Listen. I... - No, me first.

I've been thinking, and I realized something.

The Fortress of Solitude is where Superman went to be alone...

and I never want to be alone again.

Thank you, Barney. That really...

But then I remembered in Superman II...

Superman gave up all his powers to be with Lois Lane...

and he was honestly kind of a vag after that.

- Oh, buddy, just quit while... - Superman III was a complete train wreck. Totally.

What's your point?

That I love you...

and...

I'm giving up my apartment for you.

And that the Superman films are uneven.

I really appreciate that, Barney, but...

Congrats. You guys are getting a fantastic apartment.

I mean, I know some of the features are a little weird.

A little?

We're gonna rip this thing down to the studs.

I get it.

But, I mean, some things might be worth saving.

I don't see any.

You don't see any?

Sure, some of the stuff in here is creepy, but it's also brilliant.

I mean, a lot of geniuses were kind of pervy.

Look at Thomas Edison.

Why do you think that light bulbs are boob-shaped?

Yeah, we're taking a wrecking ball to this place...

and turning it into something actually fit for humans.

Excuse me.

Get out!

The Fortress of Barnitude is no longer for sale.

Also your husband has been staring at my ass all afternoon...

so don't act all high-and-mighty.

You turned them down?

Yeah.

If I ask you to change too many things about yourself...

you're not gonna be the man I fell in love with.

Turns out I accept and appreciate...

even the grossest, creepiest, most sociopathic parts of you.

Sounds like somebody just wrote her vows.

It's the Captain.

- Ahoy. - There's a zebra at the Central Park Zoo...

who's got quite a keen hoof at photography.

Ironically, he's great with color. Now...

Captain, I'll check it out, just not tonight.

I need to spend some time with my husband.

You sure?

I know it's been tough, me working this much...

and I guess I went a little overboard with the whole artsy thing.

I know. The cape.

- What about my cape? - I love it.

And I... I know that you love this job.

I should be more supportive. I just miss you.

I miss you too.

- Hey, guys. - Mmm. Hey.

You guys are all so lucky.

When am I gonna find something real?

Well, Emsbury, ready to see what it's like to be with a woman?

I suppose there's a first time for everything.

- Go ahead. - My son.

Are you guys sure we're gonna like this Woodworthy Manor show?

Yeah, it sounds kind of boring.

- Oh, no. - Kind of boring?

Grab a seat, guys, but trust me, you're only gonna need the edge.

Aha. All right. Now a little backstory.

Lady Stoutshire has developed a serious case of croquet ankle...

and the cook, Mrs. Bootbrush...

can't find enough chestnuts for a proper St. Crispin's Day goose.

Let's watch.

- I love you. - My wrist is broken.

- Worth it. - Ow.

Mmm.