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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,167 --> 00:00:03,032 Thanks. 2 00:00:03,103 --> 00:00:05,537 That's weird. I have a message. 3 00:00:05,605 --> 00:00:08,267 That's weird. You still have an answering machine. 4 00:00:10,176 --> 00:00:12,235 Ted, this is the Captain. 5 00:00:12,312 --> 00:00:14,610 Please call me back at your earliest convenience. 6 00:00:16,449 --> 00:00:18,178 Oh, crap. 7 00:00:31,297 --> 00:00:33,424 Kids, you remember the Captain. 8 00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:35,331 He was one of the richest men in New York. 9 00:00:35,402 --> 00:00:40,032 And when I met him, he was married to Zoey, who I ended up... befriending. 10 00:00:40,106 --> 00:00:42,301 Oh, man. He seems pissed. 11 00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:44,366 - Does he? - Yes! Listen. 12 00:00:44,444 --> 00:00:48,278 Ted? This is the Captain. 13 00:00:48,348 --> 00:00:51,545 Please call me back at your earliest convenience. 14 00:00:51,618 --> 00:00:53,745 Oh, I hear it now. 15 00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:55,981 - What? I don't know. - Listen again. 16 00:00:56,056 --> 00:01:00,152 Ted. This is the Captain. 17 00:01:02,629 --> 00:01:07,293 Please call me back at your earliest... convenience. 18 00:01:07,367 --> 00:01:10,165 - He sounds pissed. - Yeah, and I think I know why. 19 00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:12,295 It has to do with the last time I saw him. 20 00:01:12,372 --> 00:01:14,840 It was, um... It was, like, a year and a half ago. 21 00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:17,069 Oh, boy, that was a crazy story. 22 00:01:17,143 --> 00:01:20,670 Oh, boy. Yeah, I remember. 23 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,271 You weren't there. 24 00:01:22,348 --> 00:01:24,248 Ted. Bubeleh. 25 00:01:24,317 --> 00:01:27,013 If you have a crazy story, I was there. 26 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,748 It's just a law of the universe. 27 00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:30,483 So what happened? 28 00:01:30,557 --> 00:01:32,855 Well, it was a few weeks after Zoey and I broke up... 29 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,689 and I was on the rebound... 30 00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:37,958 and I kind of rekindled things with that girl, Becky. 31 00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:40,659 - Becky? - Boats, boats, boats. 32 00:01:40,733 --> 00:01:41,927 Boats, boats, boats! 33 00:01:42,001 --> 00:01:44,333 Boats! 34 00:01:44,404 --> 00:01:46,804 What's this a commercial for again? 35 00:01:46,873 --> 00:01:48,602 I can't quite... 36 00:01:48,675 --> 00:01:52,406 - Boats, boats! - Oh, get a room, you two. 37 00:01:52,479 --> 00:01:55,107 - You weren't there! - I was too! 38 00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:57,149 All right. You were there. Tell me the story. 39 00:01:57,217 --> 00:02:00,311 - I like the way you tell it. - Please, I insist. 40 00:02:00,386 --> 00:02:02,149 Okay. We'll tell it together. 41 00:02:03,723 --> 00:02:06,783 - Okay. Lily... - Lily... 42 00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:08,725 - had invited us... - had invited us... 43 00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:11,696 - to an art... - Garfunkel concert! 44 00:02:11,764 --> 00:02:12,958 Gallery opening. 45 00:02:13,032 --> 00:02:15,557 An Art Garfunkel gallery opening concert. 46 00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:17,193 Go on, Ted. You're doing great. 47 00:02:17,270 --> 00:02:20,034 Anyway, I get to the gallery. 48 00:02:20,106 --> 00:02:22,074 This place is so fancy. 49 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,235 I hope I don't embarrass myself. 50 00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:25,334 What, Lily? Come on. 51 00:02:25,411 --> 00:02:28,039 You got nothing to be embarrassed about. 52 00:02:28,114 --> 00:02:29,911 Dude, look who it is. 53 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:31,746 And who should walk in but... 54 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:34,309 Daddy's home. 55 00:02:34,387 --> 00:02:36,321 Nope. 56 00:02:36,389 --> 00:02:39,790 Well, well. Ted Mosby, my old nemesis. 57 00:02:39,859 --> 00:02:42,350 - What are you doing here? - Um, well... 58 00:02:42,428 --> 00:02:44,919 - Lily saw an ad for this... - Gallery? 59 00:02:46,266 --> 00:02:49,030 - So, we came to check out the... - Artwork. 60 00:02:50,103 --> 00:02:52,663 - And then we ran into... - Me. 61 00:02:52,739 --> 00:02:54,798 Man, this guy's so rude. 62 00:02:54,874 --> 00:02:58,207 I mean, I get why he's mad. I did stick it to his ex-wife. 63 00:02:58,278 --> 00:03:00,041 Repeatedly. 64 00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:01,774 Still, he's being a jerk. 65 00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:03,839 Someone needs to bring him down a peg. 66 00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:06,545 - I'm sorry. Where are my... - Manners. 67 00:03:06,619 --> 00:03:09,611 That's how that feels. 68 00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:12,751 This is my art consultant, Shelly. 69 00:03:12,825 --> 00:03:14,588 Art consultant. What's that? 70 00:03:14,661 --> 00:03:17,095 Oh, Shelly helps the Captain select artwork... 71 00:03:17,163 --> 00:03:19,996 based on its aesthetic appeal and value as an investment. 72 00:03:21,401 --> 00:03:24,302 That's why I think she's gonna love this elephant painting. 73 00:03:24,370 --> 00:03:27,134 I think this artist is going places. 74 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:30,005 Well, I should go. Captain, we'll talk tomorrow? 75 00:03:30,076 --> 00:03:31,566 At ease. 76 00:03:31,644 --> 00:03:36,104 Hey, if you like art, you should see the painting I just acquired. 77 00:03:36,182 --> 00:03:38,742 It's in my apartment just upstairs. 78 00:03:38,818 --> 00:03:42,584 It's gonna blow you away. 79 00:03:44,190 --> 00:03:46,317 Anyone with this kind of ashtray money... 80 00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:49,190 probably has an island where he hunts people. 81 00:03:49,262 --> 00:03:51,890 Probably somewhere in the Caribbean. 82 00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:53,762 I bet there's good snorkeling. 83 00:03:56,269 --> 00:03:59,329 Hello, my darling, my one true love, my everything. 84 00:03:59,405 --> 00:04:00,895 Mmm. 85 00:04:00,974 --> 00:04:03,738 So, who wants to see that painting? 86 00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:06,301 Okay, Captain. We know why you brought us up here. 87 00:04:06,379 --> 00:04:08,438 It's, uh... It's about me and Zoey. 88 00:04:08,514 --> 00:04:13,178 Ted, if you've got something to say... 89 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,278 say it. 90 00:04:15,355 --> 00:04:19,382 - A harpoon gun? - A double-barreled harpoon gun! 91 00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:21,086 - One barrel. - With a scope! 92 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:22,991 No scope. 93 00:04:23,062 --> 00:04:26,623 I know you're upset, Captain, but I promise you nothing happened between me and Zoey... 94 00:04:26,699 --> 00:04:28,633 until after you guys split up, okay? 95 00:04:28,701 --> 00:04:32,262 So, let's... let's, please, just... just... ju-ju-ju... put this down. 96 00:04:32,338 --> 00:04:36,138 Okay? Okay. Oh, there we go. 97 00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:38,336 Look, Ted, I'm not mad at you. 98 00:04:38,411 --> 00:04:42,871 The truth is, I'm in love with somebody else now, so we're fine. 99 00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:45,645 Just don't steal this one from me too, okay? 100 00:04:46,452 --> 00:04:49,353 - Okay? - Of course. 101 00:04:49,422 --> 00:04:51,720 I promise. I won't. 102 00:04:51,791 --> 00:04:53,656 But that got me thinking. 103 00:04:53,726 --> 00:04:55,921 Who was this new lady in his life? 104 00:04:55,995 --> 00:04:57,690 I had this weird sinking feeling. 105 00:04:57,764 --> 00:04:59,163 We both did. 106 00:04:59,232 --> 00:05:01,200 I had to see that picture. 107 00:05:01,267 --> 00:05:04,293 So I waited until everyone was out of the room. And then... 108 00:05:14,781 --> 00:05:16,544 Boats, boats, boats! 109 00:05:16,616 --> 00:05:20,074 No! No! 110 00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:22,883 She's boats, boats, boats, and he's the Captain. 111 00:05:22,955 --> 00:05:25,822 That's sweet. I'm happy for those two. Ted, you suck. 112 00:05:28,094 --> 00:05:30,961 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It's him. It's him! 113 00:05:31,030 --> 00:05:33,191 - What do I do? What do I do? - Okay, wait a second. 114 00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:35,200 - What do I do? - Wait a second! 115 00:05:35,268 --> 00:05:36,758 Okay. 116 00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:39,634 Is there any chance that he is calling... 117 00:05:39,706 --> 00:05:42,675 to invite the three of us out on his boat? 118 00:05:42,742 --> 00:05:44,505 I don't know. Maybe, like, one percent. 119 00:05:45,578 --> 00:05:48,513 Ted's phone. Hold for Ted. 120 00:05:49,682 --> 00:05:52,207 - Hello. - Ted, I'm gonna ask you something... 121 00:05:52,285 --> 00:05:55,812 and I want you to be completely honest. 122 00:05:55,888 --> 00:05:57,879 What's your friend Robin's number? 123 00:05:57,957 --> 00:06:00,016 What? 124 00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:02,027 Ted, ask about the boat. 125 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:09,733 - Uh, Captain, can... can I put you on hold? - Affirmative. 126 00:06:11,504 --> 00:06:13,472 He wants Robin's number. 127 00:06:13,539 --> 00:06:17,236 - Should I give it to him? - Is he trying to hook up with my fiancée? 128 00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:18,971 No! Uh-uh. 129 00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:22,037 The only way that's happening is if I get to hook up with someone too. 130 00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:25,812 Wait a second. No. Unless... Absolutely not. 131 00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:28,786 However... Forget it! On the other hand... Ixnay! 132 00:06:28,855 --> 00:06:30,345 - Ow. - Guys. 133 00:06:30,423 --> 00:06:32,914 - Guys, I-I gotta make a decision here. - Okay, you know what? 134 00:06:32,992 --> 00:06:34,482 I say do it. 135 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,051 If it is a booty call, then Robin will just let him down easy. 136 00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:39,291 But in the meantime, Ted is back on the Captain's good side. 137 00:06:39,365 --> 00:06:42,129 We all get to go out on his boat. I get to steer it. Everybody wins. 138 00:06:42,201 --> 00:06:45,568 Okay. Fine. Give him her number. 139 00:06:45,638 --> 00:06:48,106 - You don't think she'll mind? - I don't think she'll mind. 140 00:06:48,174 --> 00:06:51,302 - You gave the Captain my number? - She minds. 141 00:06:51,377 --> 00:06:53,937 Do you not remember that night we hung out with him? 142 00:06:54,013 --> 00:06:55,503 The art show? 143 00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:58,175 Oh, right. Of course, you don't remember because earlier that night... 144 00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:00,151 you shared a big, fat sandwich with Becky. 145 00:07:00,219 --> 00:07:03,882 Boats! Boats! Boats! 146 00:07:03,956 --> 00:07:06,151 What's this a commercial for again? 147 00:07:06,225 --> 00:07:09,422 Yeah? So? I hardly think that changes the story. 148 00:07:09,495 --> 00:07:12,464 Mmm. Whoa. Delicious. 149 00:07:12,532 --> 00:07:15,194 This place is so fancy. 150 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,099 I hope I don't embarrass myself. 151 00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:20,037 Oh, come on, Lily. You got nothing to be embarrassed about. 152 00:07:23,376 --> 00:07:26,038 - Dude, look who's here. - Daddy's home. 153 00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:30,613 Nope. 154 00:07:30,683 --> 00:07:32,514 Well, well. 155 00:07:32,585 --> 00:07:35,349 Ted Mosby, my old nemesis. What are you doing here? 156 00:07:35,421 --> 00:07:37,321 Well... 157 00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:41,622 Lily saw an ad for this... 158 00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:47,189 Gallery? 159 00:07:49,502 --> 00:07:51,595 So we thought we'd, uh... 160 00:07:51,671 --> 00:07:53,662 come and check out the... 161 00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:57,973 Artwork? 162 00:08:01,681 --> 00:08:05,640 And then we ran into... 163 00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:09,013 Me? 164 00:08:09,088 --> 00:08:11,613 And the Captain wasn't glaring at you. 165 00:08:11,691 --> 00:08:14,057 - He couldn't take his eyes off... - Hey, nice to see you again. 166 00:08:14,126 --> 00:08:16,594 Yeah, you too. Ooh. 167 00:08:16,662 --> 00:08:18,892 Man, this guy is so rude. 168 00:08:18,965 --> 00:08:22,833 I get why he's upset. I did stick it to his ex-wife. 169 00:08:22,902 --> 00:08:24,392 Repeatedly. 170 00:08:25,771 --> 00:08:27,762 Still, guy's being a jerk. 171 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,865 Someone needs to take him down a peg. 172 00:08:29,942 --> 00:08:31,637 Sorry. 173 00:08:31,711 --> 00:08:33,372 Where are my manners? 174 00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:35,710 This is Shelly, my art consultant. 175 00:08:35,781 --> 00:08:37,408 Art consultant. What's that? 176 00:08:37,483 --> 00:08:40,748 Shelly helps the Captain select artwork based on aesthetic... 177 00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:42,583 Manners! 178 00:08:42,655 --> 00:08:45,021 That's how that feels. 179 00:08:48,828 --> 00:08:52,992 Appeal and value as an investment. 180 00:08:53,065 --> 00:08:56,694 That's why I think she's gonna love this elephant painting. 181 00:08:56,769 --> 00:08:59,567 I think this artist is going places. 182 00:08:59,639 --> 00:09:03,905 Well, I should go. Captain, we'll talk tomorrow. 183 00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:07,045 If you like art... 184 00:09:07,113 --> 00:09:09,775 you should see the painting I just acquired. 185 00:09:11,183 --> 00:09:15,449 It's gonna blow you away. 186 00:09:16,622 --> 00:09:18,783 Snorkeling. 187 00:09:18,858 --> 00:09:22,157 Then, after I saved you from destroying a priceless crystal ashtray... 188 00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:23,889 You're welcome. 189 00:09:25,131 --> 00:09:27,656 Hello, my darling, my one true love... 190 00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:29,223 my everything. 191 00:09:30,136 --> 00:09:31,626 Ahoy? 192 00:09:33,739 --> 00:09:35,570 So, who wants to see that painting? 193 00:09:35,641 --> 00:09:37,905 Okay, Captain. 194 00:09:37,977 --> 00:09:40,810 We all know why you brought us up here. 195 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,508 This is about me and, um... 196 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:46,017 Zoey. 197 00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:48,383 All right, Ted. 198 00:09:48,454 --> 00:09:52,117 If you've got something to say, say it. 199 00:09:52,191 --> 00:09:53,920 Whoa, whoa. 200 00:09:53,993 --> 00:09:55,961 - A remote control? - A remote control. 201 00:09:57,229 --> 00:09:58,628 Let's relax. 202 00:09:58,698 --> 00:10:01,132 L-I know you're upset, Captain. 203 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,191 L-I just... I want to assure you... 204 00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:07,205 nothing happened between me and Zoey until after you guys had split up... 205 00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:10,800 so let's just... let's just... let's put this down. 206 00:10:10,876 --> 00:10:14,368 Okay? Okay. 207 00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,381 There we go. 208 00:10:18,084 --> 00:10:20,518 Ted, I'm not mad at you. 209 00:10:20,586 --> 00:10:24,545 Truth is, I am in love with somebody else now. 210 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:30,626 So, he invited me back to his bedroom to show me this painting, and... 211 00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:34,928 Finally, we're alone. 212 00:10:35,001 --> 00:10:37,162 Robin, no! I don't wanna picture that. 213 00:10:37,236 --> 00:10:40,330 - Nothing happened. - Oh, that means hand stuff. 214 00:10:40,406 --> 00:10:43,398 No! I'm serious. He was on the rebound. 215 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:46,843 I told him to take some time to pull himself together... 216 00:10:46,912 --> 00:10:48,846 and call me in a year and a half. 217 00:10:48,914 --> 00:10:52,008 Oh, great. What if he asks you out? 218 00:10:52,084 --> 00:10:54,951 What does that mean for our relationship? 219 00:10:55,021 --> 00:10:59,321 What? Are we planning to be in some super-enlightened, forward-thinking marriage... 220 00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:00,882 where we don't get hung up... 221 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,487 on the suffocating and outdated principles of monogamy... 222 00:11:04,563 --> 00:11:07,623 and instead enjoy the company of multiple partners... 223 00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:11,329 sometimes bringing said partners into our marital bed... 224 00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:13,565 but just girls, not dudes... 225 00:11:13,639 --> 00:11:15,766 except maybe one time just to see what that's like? 226 00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:19,004 I mean, is that what you want? 227 00:11:19,078 --> 00:11:21,911 - No. - G... Okay! 228 00:11:21,981 --> 00:11:24,074 Me neither! 229 00:11:24,150 --> 00:11:28,712 Okay. Robin, look. You need to call the Captain and let him down easy. 230 00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:31,279 Okay, ju... Let him move on with his life. 231 00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:34,121 Let him go out on his boat with his old friends... 232 00:11:34,193 --> 00:11:36,491 maybe some new friends. 233 00:11:36,562 --> 00:11:40,191 Maybe let one of those new friends steer the boat... 234 00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:43,429 just so that one of them could say... 235 00:11:43,502 --> 00:11:46,062 "Iceberg straight ahead!" 236 00:11:46,138 --> 00:11:47,628 Fine. 237 00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:53,507 - Ahoy. - Hi. 238 00:11:53,579 --> 00:11:56,047 Captain, it's Robin. 239 00:11:56,115 --> 00:11:58,413 Ahoy. Uh, look... 240 00:11:58,484 --> 00:12:00,748 I, uh, have to be up-front with you. 241 00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:04,312 - I'm engaged. - Engaged? I thought you were married to Marshall. 242 00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,119 This is Robin, right? 243 00:12:06,192 --> 00:12:09,184 The redheaded kindergarten teacher who wore the gray dress and the blue shoes... 244 00:12:09,261 --> 00:12:10,751 to that art show? 245 00:12:10,830 --> 00:12:13,628 - Can you please hold a moment? - Dropping anchor. 246 00:12:15,167 --> 00:12:17,158 He's looking for Lily. 247 00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:19,067 Should I give him her number? 248 00:12:19,138 --> 00:12:21,538 Yeah. No, we've already discussed it. 249 00:12:21,607 --> 00:12:24,303 It's four million dollars cash. 250 00:12:24,376 --> 00:12:27,140 Oh, her phone number. Yes, I don't think she'll mind. 251 00:12:27,213 --> 00:12:29,613 You gave the Captain my number? 252 00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:32,617 She minds. 253 00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:34,744 It finally happened. 254 00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:37,015 My past finally caught up with me. 255 00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:41,788 Oh, God. Lily, if you tell me that you slept with the Captain for anything under 2.8... 256 00:12:41,861 --> 00:12:44,193 which we agreed was as low as we were gonna go... 257 00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:46,663 No, it's nothing like that. 258 00:12:46,732 --> 00:12:49,758 Do you guys remember the last time we saw the Captain? 259 00:12:49,835 --> 00:12:52,030 - Yes. - Right. Of course you don't. 260 00:12:52,104 --> 00:12:56,006 Barney, you weren't there. Ted, you had just floated out of a Snoop Dogg B-side. 261 00:12:56,075 --> 00:13:00,273 And, Robin, you had just come from that big meeting that ran long. 262 00:13:06,519 --> 00:13:09,181 ♪♪ Delicious. 263 00:13:09,255 --> 00:13:11,314 This place is so fancy. 264 00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:13,449 I hope I don't embarrass myself. 265 00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:16,495 Come on, Lily. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. 266 00:13:19,298 --> 00:13:21,232 Dude, look who's here! 267 00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:23,063 - Daddy's... - Nope. 268 00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:26,398 Well, well. 269 00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:29,236 Ted Mosby, my old nemesis. 270 00:13:29,308 --> 00:13:31,742 Hello, sailor. 271 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:35,907 No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 272 00:13:35,981 --> 00:13:38,643 Okay, yeah. That's what happened. 273 00:13:38,717 --> 00:13:41,015 This is Shelly, my art consultant. 274 00:13:41,086 --> 00:13:44,522 Art consultant. What's that? 275 00:13:44,590 --> 00:13:47,286 Shelly helps the Captain select artwork... 276 00:13:47,359 --> 00:13:51,455 based on its aesthetic appeal and its value as an investment... 277 00:13:51,530 --> 00:13:54,761 which is why I think she's gonna love this elephant painting. 278 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:58,565 I think this artist is going places. 279 00:13:58,637 --> 00:14:01,800 You'd have to be a real Dumbo not to enjoy this painting. 280 00:14:01,874 --> 00:14:03,899 Get it? 'Cause it's an elephant. 281 00:14:03,976 --> 00:14:07,343 Your sense of humor is as good as your taste in art. 282 00:14:07,413 --> 00:14:10,439 Captain, we'll talk tomorrow? 283 00:14:12,284 --> 00:14:15,879 If you like art, you should see the painting I just acquired. 284 00:14:15,955 --> 00:14:17,980 - It's in my... - Manners! 285 00:14:18,057 --> 00:14:19,957 That's how that feels. 286 00:14:23,128 --> 00:14:26,063 In my apartment right upstairs. 287 00:14:26,131 --> 00:14:28,258 It's gonna blow you away. 288 00:14:28,334 --> 00:14:30,734 Snorkeling. 289 00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:34,739 Then, after I saved you from destroying a priceless crystal ashtray... 290 00:14:34,807 --> 00:14:36,900 You're welcome. 291 00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:41,305 Hello, my darling, my one true love, my everything. 292 00:14:44,149 --> 00:14:47,812 Hmm. So, who wants to see that painting? 293 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:52,324 Oh, if you show me yours, I'll show you mine. 294 00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:54,291 So we check out the painting. 295 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,624 Huh. 296 00:14:56,695 --> 00:14:58,936 You know, that elephant painting would look nice in here. 297 00:14:58,964 --> 00:15:02,923 You're looking at a masterpiece, and you're talking about some elephant painting? 298 00:15:03,002 --> 00:15:05,903 No! 299 00:15:05,971 --> 00:15:09,532 Oh. This one's nice too. 300 00:15:09,608 --> 00:15:12,133 I just like the elephant painting better. 301 00:15:12,211 --> 00:15:16,545 You know, it doesn't matter what you like. 302 00:15:16,615 --> 00:15:18,947 You're just a kindergarten teacher. 303 00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:23,081 Oh, finally, we're alone. 304 00:15:24,623 --> 00:15:26,614 Mmm. 305 00:15:30,062 --> 00:15:32,257 Oh, no, Lily. What did you do? 306 00:15:32,331 --> 00:15:36,267 He was a jerk. He deserved to have that precious painting stolen. 307 00:15:36,335 --> 00:15:37,962 Oh, God! Lily, you didn't... 308 00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:40,267 Of course I didn't. 309 00:15:40,339 --> 00:15:42,432 I stole this ashtray instead. 310 00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:49,543 - Lily! - Hey! You know the rules. 311 00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:52,584 You misbehave, I take away one of your toys. 312 00:15:52,651 --> 00:15:54,516 Aldrin justice, baby. 313 00:15:54,586 --> 00:15:56,577 So you're telling me that that ashtray... 314 00:15:56,655 --> 00:15:59,055 that's been in our apartment for over a year and a half... 315 00:15:59,124 --> 00:16:01,490 is not only stolen, but also very expensive. 316 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:03,391 Both of those things, yes. 317 00:16:03,462 --> 00:16:05,794 Guys, can you leave us alone for a minute, please? 318 00:16:05,864 --> 00:16:07,832 Ooh. They're gonna do it. 319 00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:10,334 No, we're gonna fight. 320 00:16:10,402 --> 00:16:12,233 And then maybe afterwards, we'll do it. 321 00:16:13,872 --> 00:16:16,500 I can't believe that was the same ashtray. 322 00:16:16,575 --> 00:16:19,976 - I should've recognized it. - I know. Me too. 323 00:16:20,045 --> 00:16:21,842 Barney, you weren't there! 324 00:16:21,914 --> 00:16:24,348 Why is it so important that you be part of this story? 325 00:16:24,416 --> 00:16:27,112 Because crazy stories are my thing. 326 00:16:27,186 --> 00:16:29,814 You have architecture. Marshall has the law. 327 00:16:29,888 --> 00:16:32,721 Lily has art. Robin has pleasing me sexually. 328 00:16:32,791 --> 00:16:35,259 You all have a passion that drives you. 329 00:16:35,327 --> 00:16:39,593 Well, if I have a passion, it's taking life and turning it into a series of crazy stories. 330 00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:42,156 If you can do that without me, then... 331 00:16:42,234 --> 00:16:45,226 I don't even know who I am anymore. 332 00:16:48,807 --> 00:16:50,468 You know what, Barney? 333 00:16:50,542 --> 00:16:53,773 Now that I think about it, you were there. 334 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,837 - That's right. You were. - I was? 335 00:16:55,914 --> 00:16:59,941 I mean, I know I was. That's what I'm saying, guys. 336 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:05,389 We just, uh... We just didn't realize it because... you were in disguise. 337 00:17:05,457 --> 00:17:08,426 Yeah. You were doing, uh, one of your plays from the playbook. 338 00:17:08,494 --> 00:17:10,587 On Shelly, the art consultant. 339 00:17:10,662 --> 00:17:13,187 Yes, it was, um, some play that had to do with art. 340 00:17:13,265 --> 00:17:16,530 The Royal Archduke of Grand Fenwick? 341 00:17:16,602 --> 00:17:19,901 A simple play you can do using two everyday household objects: 342 00:17:19,972 --> 00:17:22,964 A Prussian military costume and an oil painting of yourself. 343 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:26,409 That's the one. And it worked on Shelly. 344 00:17:26,478 --> 00:17:30,471 I totally nailed her! And then I nailed her sister, who was even hotter! 345 00:17:30,549 --> 00:17:34,178 Oh, good times. 346 00:17:34,253 --> 00:17:35,914 You are gonna return that ashtray... 347 00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:37,819 and you're gonna pray that he doesn't press charges... 348 00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:40,415 because I can't be in a marriage where one of us is in prison. 349 00:17:40,492 --> 00:17:44,485 I know that we role-play conjugal visits a lot, but I can't do that for realsies. 350 00:17:44,563 --> 00:17:46,895 I'm sorry. All rulings are final. 351 00:17:46,965 --> 00:17:50,457 - I am not taking it back. - Oh, my God! Lily! 352 00:17:50,536 --> 00:17:52,367 What is the big deal? 353 00:17:52,438 --> 00:17:55,168 Okay, so what? So he said you're just a kindergarten teacher. 354 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,935 Why do you let that bother you? 355 00:17:57,009 --> 00:18:00,410 Because he was right. I am just a kindergarten teacher. 356 00:18:00,479 --> 00:18:03,073 And, yes, I have a degree in art history... 357 00:18:03,148 --> 00:18:05,912 and I was meant to do something with it, but I didn't. 358 00:18:05,984 --> 00:18:09,579 Somewhere along the line, I forgot to pursue my dream. 359 00:18:09,655 --> 00:18:12,385 And... And now I'm old and I'm a mom... 360 00:18:12,458 --> 00:18:14,358 and it's just too late for me. 361 00:18:14,426 --> 00:18:15,916 - Lily, okay. Hey. - It's too late. 362 00:18:15,994 --> 00:18:17,928 No, no, no. It's not too late. It's not too late. 363 00:18:17,996 --> 00:18:20,157 You're gonna quit your job tomorrow. 364 00:18:20,232 --> 00:18:22,826 And you're gonna... you're gonna go back and pick up... 365 00:18:22,901 --> 00:18:25,461 right where you left off with that art stuff. 366 00:18:25,537 --> 00:18:27,596 And you... Then you know what? I'm gonna find Shelly... 367 00:18:27,673 --> 00:18:29,641 and I'm gonna punch her in the face. 368 00:18:29,708 --> 00:18:31,938 I am. I'm gonna punch a girl. 369 00:18:32,010 --> 00:18:35,104 And run away. 370 00:18:35,180 --> 00:18:38,377 Look, I promise you. 371 00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:43,285 Your best and your most exciting days are all ahead of you. 372 00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:48,423 I love you so much for saying that... 373 00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:53,864 but there gets to be a point in life where that just stops being true. 374 00:18:56,034 --> 00:18:58,229 I'm sorry I stole this. 375 00:18:58,303 --> 00:19:00,066 I'll return it first thing tomorrow. 376 00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:01,834 And so the next day... 377 00:19:01,907 --> 00:19:04,068 Lily returned to the Captain's apartment. 378 00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:06,043 Well, how about that? 379 00:19:06,111 --> 00:19:08,739 I didn't even realize it was gone. 380 00:19:08,814 --> 00:19:10,941 No harm done. 381 00:19:11,016 --> 00:19:14,508 Wait. If you weren't calling about the ashtray, then why'd you want to see me? 382 00:19:14,586 --> 00:19:16,781 Follow me. 383 00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:22,356 - Oh, my gosh. - Yep. 384 00:19:22,427 --> 00:19:25,555 That night, I ducked back down to the gallery and bought it. 385 00:19:25,631 --> 00:19:27,326 Shelly didn't stop you? 386 00:19:27,399 --> 00:19:30,095 Shelly was off with some archduke she met at the party. 387 00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,569 No, I just... 388 00:19:32,638 --> 00:19:35,038 Well, I liked what you said about how you just liked it. 389 00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:38,372 - I still do. - Me too. 390 00:19:38,443 --> 00:19:40,934 Anyway, I just sold it for four million dollars. 391 00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:44,073 - What? - In the year and a half since I bought this piece... 392 00:19:44,149 --> 00:19:47,118 the artist has turned into a huge star in the art world. 393 00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:49,211 The next Basquiat, they're saying. 394 00:19:49,288 --> 00:19:51,085 And nobody saw it coming except you. 395 00:19:52,424 --> 00:19:54,744 So I've decided to give you half my earnings from the sale. 396 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,990 I'm just kidding. 397 00:19:57,062 --> 00:19:59,428 - I'm not giving you two million bucks. - Aw. 398 00:19:59,498 --> 00:20:02,661 I mean, I could. Easily. Wouldn't even make a dent for me. 399 00:20:02,734 --> 00:20:05,828 But, trust me, the tax code being what it is... 400 00:20:05,904 --> 00:20:07,929 you do not wanna be rich right now. 401 00:20:08,006 --> 00:20:10,201 So here's what I'm thinking. 402 00:20:10,275 --> 00:20:14,439 I wanna get back in the art game, and I need a new art consultant. 403 00:20:15,681 --> 00:20:18,616 Wait. Are you offering me a job? 404 00:20:18,684 --> 00:20:21,744 If you want it. What do you say? 405 00:20:23,121 --> 00:20:25,055 And she said yes! Guys, it was amazing! 406 00:20:25,123 --> 00:20:27,387 - You should've been there. - Barney! Let her tell her story! 407 00:20:27,459 --> 00:20:31,793 - You were not there! - Guys! What did you say, baby? 408 00:20:31,863 --> 00:20:34,991 - I said yes. - Ha! Told ya! 409 00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:37,558 I told ya! How would I know? 31278

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