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www.titlovi.com
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Let's go!
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She said,
"$300, I'll do anything you want."
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I said, "Bitch, paint my house."
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We don't need the death penalty!
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We got the tossed salad man!
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'Cause if a bullet costs $5,000,
there'll be no more innocent bystanders.
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I ain't scared of Al-Qaeda.
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I'm scared of Al-Cracker.
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You cannot lend money
to people you're fucking.
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'Cause they think that sex is a payback.
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We just got a few bad apples
that like to crash into mountains.
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Ladies and gentlemen.
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Ladies and gentlemen.
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Chris Rock!
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What's up, Baltimore?
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Yes!
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Yes, yes.
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Thank you!
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Thank you so much!
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Thank you so much
to coming to my Netflix special.
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Thank you.
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That's right. That's right!
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Okay.
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I'mma try to do a show.
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I'mma try... Nigga, sit down!
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I'mma try to do a show tonight
without offending nobody, okay?
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I'mma try my best.
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You know why? 'Cause you never know
who might get triggered.
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That's right. You say the wrong thing...
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motherfuckers get scared.
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You gotta watch out.
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You know what people say.
They always say, uh, "words hurt."
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That's what they say.
You gotta watch what you say.
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'Cause words hurt.
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You know anybody that says words hurt
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has never been punched in the face.
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Okay?
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Yeah, words hurt
when you write them on a brick, okay?
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You gotta watch out.
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Everybody's scared.
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Everybody scared.
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If you a certain age and you go to work,
you are fucking scared.
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In the old days,
if somebody wanted your job,
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they just worked harder than you.
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Now, somebody wants your job,
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they just wait for you
to say some dumb shit.
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Yeah.
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Try to get you
with one of them woke traps.
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Say, "Hey, we going
to a gay wedding tomorrow."
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"How do you feel about that?"
Oh, ho, ho, ho!
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"It's good. It's good."
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Don't fall into the woke trap at all now.
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I have no problem with the wokeness.
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I have no problem with it at all.
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I'm all for social justice.
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I'm all for, for marginalized people
getting their rights.
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The thing I have a problem with
is the selective outrage.
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That's right, selective outrage.
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Everybody, you know what
I'm talking about?
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One person does something,
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they get cancelled.
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Somebody else does the exact same thing...
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No.
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You know what I'm talking about.
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You know, like the kind of people
that play Michael Jackson songs,
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but won't play R. Kelly.
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Same crime.
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One of them just got better songs.
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That's right.
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Well, I'll play "Startin' Somethin',"
it's a party.
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I play "Bump n' Grind,"
now you are activists.
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So, everybody's scared.
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Everybody full of shit, you know?
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I'm in my old neighborhood the other day.
I bumped into my, my good friend, Fred.
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Hadn't seen him in years.
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Hadn't seen him in years.
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Fred got a new job at AT&T, okay?
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So, I'm like, "Hey, Fred, how's the job?"
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And Fred's like, "Oh, I love the job."
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"It's a safe space."
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"I feel seen, I feel heard."
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"There's a lot of diversity."
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And I'm looking at him. I'm like...
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"Nigga, it's me."
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What, you think I'm wearing
a wire or some shit?
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What the fuck you talking about,
safe space?
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Nigga, you did eight years
for manslaughter.
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Nobody's safe around you.
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Everybody's full of shit.
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Motherfuckers typing out woke ass tweets
on a, on a phone made by child slaves.
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You need to cut it out, man.
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Not only is everybody full of shit,
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not only is everybody full of shit,
every business is full of shit.
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Everybody you do business,
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they don't even tell you
about the product no more.
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They just tell you
how much charity they do.
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They say, "We give back."
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"We like to give back."
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"We don't even like the money."
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"We just give back."
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I'm in the mall the other day.
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I went by that store.
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What's this thing? A Lululemon.
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Lululemon, I walk by and in the window
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of every Lululemon,
there's a sign that says,
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"We don't support racism,
sexism, discrimination, or hate."
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And I'm like, "Who gives a fuck?"
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You're just selling yoga pants.
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I don't need your yoga pants politics.
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Tell me how you work on ball sweat.
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The fuck you talking about, man?
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And then, I'm watching
the game the other night.
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There was a...
There was a commercial for Subaru.
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Commercial for Subaru, and it said, uh,
"For every Subaru we sell,
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we'll donate $250
to your favorite charity."
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And I'm like, "Who gives a fuck?"
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I'm like, "Subaru,
you want to help me out?"
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"Why don't you just
sell me the car for $250 less?"
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Shit, I'm my favorite charity.
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Shit. You know what Elon Musk does?
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Every time he sells a Tesla,
he gets his dick sucked.
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That's why he looks so weird.
124
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'Cause his body has negative cum.
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He's the richest man on Earth.
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No one has lower cum levels
than Elon Musk, okay?
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00:08:14,938 --> 00:08:18,570
Women are sucking out the cum
before it's even formed.
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There's a six-month waiting list
for Elon Musk's cum.
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He's flying bitches to the moon.
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Who could compete with that shit?
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No one has less sperm than Elon Musk.
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Only Jason Momoa comes close.
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To having less spunk than Elon Musk.
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Fucking Lululemon.
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"We don't support racism,
sexism, discrimination, or hate."
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They sell $100 yoga pants.
137
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$100 yoga pants.
138
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They hate somebody.
139
00:09:05,071 --> 00:09:07,071
They hate the poor.
140
00:09:09,538 --> 00:09:12,504
$100 yoga pants?
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00:09:12,505 --> 00:09:13,505
No, no, no. Correction.
142
00:09:13,506 --> 00:09:15,371
They don't sell $100 yoga pants.
143
00:09:15,871 --> 00:09:21,205
They sell $100 non-racist yoga pants.
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I think I speak
for the entire audience tonight
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when I say most people in this crowd
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would prefer a pair
of $20 racist yoga pants.
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That's right. Like, yoga pants
that whistled "nigga" as you walk.
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"Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga."
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"Are my pants whistling, 'Nigga'?"
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"Can't wear these to Cherry Hill."
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00:10:02,238 --> 00:10:05,270
Yeah, we live in Baltimore tonight, baby.
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We are motherfucking live.
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Okay?
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00:10:10,871 --> 00:10:13,005
Homework, that's right.
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00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:16,905
Whenever I do a show, I do my homework.
156
00:10:18,371 --> 00:10:21,605
First thing I do when I get to town,
I'll go, "Where should I not go?"
157
00:10:23,838 --> 00:10:26,605
And then I say, "Where can I buy coke?"
158
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And they're usually the same place.
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Now, America's...
America's got problems right now.
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00:10:42,238 --> 00:10:45,304
They say we're addicted to opioids.
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00:10:45,305 --> 00:10:47,305
They say we're addicted
to opioids and we are.
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I like a good opioid
when I could get my hand on it.
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There's, like, no pharmacist
has ever paid to come to my show.
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00:11:02,505 --> 00:11:05,137
"I think we can get him in there, yeah."
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00:11:05,138 --> 00:11:06,138
That's right, man.
166
00:11:06,139 --> 00:11:08,437
They say we're addicted to opioids,
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00:11:08,438 --> 00:11:12,170
but opioids are not
the biggest addiction in America.
168
00:11:12,171 --> 00:11:14,838
No. Not even close, man.
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The biggest addiction
in America is attention.
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That's right.
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We are addicted to attention.
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00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:31,071
Can't get enough attention.
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00:11:31,738 --> 00:11:33,538
Feening for likes.
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00:11:34,271 --> 00:11:36,470
Just feening. We used to want love.
175
00:11:36,471 --> 00:11:38,038
Now, we just want likes.
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Posting up pathetic pictures.
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00:11:43,771 --> 00:11:46,671
"This is me eating sushi. Like me."
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00:11:48,238 --> 00:11:52,871
"This is me, 25 years ago,
when I was hot. Like me."
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Oh, it's fucking sad, man.
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00:11:56,971 --> 00:11:58,604
Just feening for attention.
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Addicted to attention.
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00:12:01,371 --> 00:12:02,904
And how do you get attention?
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00:12:02,905 --> 00:12:04,938
Four easy ways to get attention.
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00:12:05,471 --> 00:12:08,505
Number one easiest way to get attention,
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show your ass.
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00:12:12,705 --> 00:12:13,937
Show your ass!
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00:12:13,938 --> 00:12:16,905
You will get attention,
even if you don't got ass!
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That's the world we live in.
189
00:12:20,005 --> 00:12:23,905
It's why Blac Chyna
has more followers than Gayle King.
190
00:12:25,471 --> 00:12:27,605
'Cause Chyna is showing that ass.
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00:12:28,105 --> 00:12:30,905
That's right.
So number one, show your ass.
192
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Number two easiest way to get attention
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is to be infamous.
194
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Yeah. Do some fucked up shit.
Shoot up a school.
195
00:12:41,238 --> 00:12:44,338
Try to stab Dave Chappelle at a show.
196
00:12:45,338 --> 00:12:48,371
That's right, infamy.
You will get attention.
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00:12:48,938 --> 00:12:52,305
Number three easiest way to get attention,
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00:12:52,805 --> 00:12:54,638
that's right, to be excellent.
199
00:12:55,271 --> 00:12:57,037
That's right. Like Serena Williams,
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00:12:57,038 --> 00:12:59,870
greatest tennis player
to ever play the game.
201
00:13:03,171 --> 00:13:05,504
Absolutely excellent!
202
00:13:05,505 --> 00:13:09,604
Being excellent will get you attention,
but it's hard being excellent.
203
00:13:09,605 --> 00:13:11,271
You gotta get up in the morning.
204
00:13:12,171 --> 00:13:14,804
You gotta work out.
You gotta practice.
205
00:13:14,805 --> 00:13:18,071
It is much easier to show your ass.
206
00:13:19,705 --> 00:13:21,570
That's right. That's right.
207
00:13:21,571 --> 00:13:26,205
And the number four
easiest way to get attention, number four,
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00:13:27,538 --> 00:13:30,304
is to be a victim.
209
00:13:30,305 --> 00:13:31,837
Ooh.
210
00:13:31,838 --> 00:13:35,837
It's like "Where he going with this?"
211
00:13:35,838 --> 00:13:39,670
Don't get me wrong,
there's no victim-shaming going on.
212
00:13:39,671 --> 00:13:42,937
No. No, no, no, no.
There are real victims in this world.
213
00:13:42,938 --> 00:13:46,204
There are people that have
gone through unspeakable trauma,
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00:13:46,205 --> 00:13:49,204
and they need your love,
your support, and they need your care.
215
00:13:49,205 --> 00:13:53,838
But if everybody claims to be a victim
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00:13:54,338 --> 00:13:56,370
when the real victims need help,
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00:13:56,371 --> 00:13:59,270
ain't nobody gonna be there
to help them, okay?
218
00:13:59,271 --> 00:14:01,670
And right now, we live in a world
219
00:14:01,671 --> 00:14:06,138
where the emergency room is filled up
with motherfuckers with paper cuts.
220
00:14:08,471 --> 00:14:09,471
Okay?
221
00:14:09,472 --> 00:14:12,638
That's right.
222
00:14:13,705 --> 00:14:16,170
Everybody's trying to be a victim.
223
00:14:16,171 --> 00:14:20,437
People that know
good and goddamn well they ain't victims.
224
00:14:20,438 --> 00:14:23,071
Like white men.
225
00:14:25,538 --> 00:14:28,204
When did white men become victims?
226
00:14:28,205 --> 00:14:31,638
White men actually think
they're losing the country.
227
00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:33,538
To who?
228
00:14:35,171 --> 00:14:36,405
It ain't us.
229
00:14:37,371 --> 00:14:40,338
When's the last time
you got on a Black cruise ship?
230
00:14:41,405 --> 00:14:43,437
Or flew on a Black airline?
231
00:14:43,438 --> 00:14:46,171
Get the fuck out of here.
We don't got no money!
232
00:14:47,005 --> 00:14:50,238
We got some vodkas
and a couple of record companies.
233
00:14:51,938 --> 00:14:56,070
White men actually think
they're losing the country!
234
00:14:56,071 --> 00:14:58,704
Can you believe...
Did you see the Capitol riots?
235
00:14:58,705 --> 00:15:03,970
White men trying to overthrow
the government that they run!
236
00:15:12,905 --> 00:15:14,104
The fuck?
237
00:15:14,105 --> 00:15:16,204
They're like,
"We gotta get them out of office."
238
00:15:16,205 --> 00:15:17,338
Who? "Us."
239
00:15:20,905 --> 00:15:23,170
Did you see the Capitol riots?
240
00:15:23,171 --> 00:15:27,605
Like, what kind of white
Planet of the Apes shit was that?
241
00:15:30,138 --> 00:15:33,170
These motherfuckers are climbing up walls
242
00:15:33,171 --> 00:15:37,038
and taking a shit on Pelosi's desk.
243
00:15:40,271 --> 00:15:41,837
What the fuck?
244
00:15:41,838 --> 00:15:45,570
What would make white men think
they're losing the country? What?
245
00:15:45,571 --> 00:15:46,471
What? What?
246
00:15:46,472 --> 00:15:50,005
What, 'cause there's no more
white couples in commercials?
247
00:15:52,138 --> 00:15:53,971
There's no Black couples either.
248
00:15:54,471 --> 00:15:59,937
Every commercial has
a mixed race couple. Everything!
249
00:15:59,938 --> 00:16:02,504
Shit, I saw a commercial the other day,
250
00:16:02,505 --> 00:16:06,571
saw a Japanese woman
married to a caterpillar.
251
00:16:10,638 --> 00:16:12,438
Their kids were squirrels!
252
00:16:16,438 --> 00:16:18,305
By the way, speaking of commercials,
253
00:16:19,638 --> 00:16:22,604
when did Snoop Dogg become Morgan Freeman?
254
00:16:27,938 --> 00:16:29,905
This nigga's selling everything.
255
00:16:31,038 --> 00:16:33,805
Beer, wine, tampons...
256
00:16:35,005 --> 00:16:40,338
I saw a commercial the other day,
Snoop was selling reverse mortgages.
257
00:16:42,971 --> 00:16:44,605
Called them, "Dogg-ages."
258
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,938
What the fuck's a "Dogg-age"?
259
00:16:49,205 --> 00:16:52,637
I love Snoop. I love Snoop Okay, so just...
260
00:16:52,638 --> 00:16:54,304
I'm not dissing Snoop, all right?
261
00:16:54,305 --> 00:16:57,237
Last thing I need
is another mad rapper, right?
262
00:17:00,671 --> 00:17:01,838
Nope. Nope, nope.
263
00:17:03,171 --> 00:17:04,338
No, no, no.
264
00:17:05,805 --> 00:17:07,105
No, no, no, no, no.
265
00:17:07,771 --> 00:17:12,704
Back to the show.
Everybody is trying to be a victim.
266
00:17:12,705 --> 00:17:15,371
Like, what's this girl Meghan Markle?
267
00:17:16,304 --> 00:17:19,705
Seemed like a nice lady.
268
00:17:21,005 --> 00:17:24,671
Just complaining. I was like, "Didn't she
hit the light-skinned lottery?"
269
00:17:26,738 --> 00:17:32,137
Hit the fucking light-skinned lottery,
and still going on complaining.
270
00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:35,137
Acting all dumb,
like she don't know nothing.
271
00:17:35,138 --> 00:17:37,637
Going on Oprah, "I didn't know.
272
00:17:37,638 --> 00:17:40,337
I had no idea how racist they were."
273
00:17:40,338 --> 00:17:42,105
It's the royal family.
274
00:17:43,405 --> 00:17:45,705
You didn't google these motherfuckers?
275
00:17:47,505 --> 00:17:52,237
What the fuck
is she talking about, "she didn't know"?
276
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:55,370
The fuck? It's the royal family!
277
00:17:55,371 --> 00:17:57,838
They're the original racists!
278
00:17:59,171 --> 00:18:01,671
They invented colonialism!
279
00:18:02,671 --> 00:18:05,238
They're the OGs of racism.
280
00:18:05,738 --> 00:18:08,238
They're the Sugarhill Gang of racism.
281
00:18:12,338 --> 00:18:14,104
Like, "The hip-hop, the hippie,
282
00:18:14,105 --> 00:18:17,905
the hippie-dippie hip hip-hop
and you don't stop" of racism.
283
00:18:19,605 --> 00:18:23,438
The fuck is she talking about,
"I didn't know"?
284
00:18:24,005 --> 00:18:27,304
That's like marrying
into the Budweiser family
285
00:18:27,305 --> 00:18:29,638
and going, "They drink a lot!"
286
00:18:32,405 --> 00:18:34,704
The fuck is she talking about?
287
00:18:34,705 --> 00:18:38,638
These motherfuckers invested in slavery
like it was Shark Tank.
288
00:18:41,938 --> 00:18:45,537
The fuck? She said, "They're so racist.
They're so racist."
289
00:18:45,538 --> 00:18:48,638
Some of that shit
she went through was not racism!
290
00:18:49,538 --> 00:18:52,038
It was just some in-law shit.
291
00:18:54,205 --> 00:18:56,338
And sometimes it's just some in-law shit!
292
00:18:56,838 --> 00:18:59,937
'Cause she's complaining, and I'm like,
"What the fuck is she talking about?"
293
00:18:59,938 --> 00:19:02,205
"Oprah, they're so racist!"
294
00:19:02,305 --> 00:19:06,870
"They wanted to know
how brown the baby was gonna be."
295
00:19:06,871 --> 00:19:11,004
"They're so racist. They wanted to know
how brown the baby's gonna be."
296
00:19:11,005 --> 00:19:13,238
I'm like, "That's not racist!"
297
00:19:14,638 --> 00:19:17,771
'Cause even Black people wanna know...
298
00:19:23,738 --> 00:19:29,105
how brown the baby gonna be!
Shit, we check behind them ears.
299
00:19:34,305 --> 00:19:37,637
That's a scientific test.
300
00:19:37,638 --> 00:19:41,038
'Cause you gotta see
what kind of Black child you're gonna get.
301
00:19:41,705 --> 00:19:43,938
Is this a Steph Curry baby?
302
00:19:45,171 --> 00:19:47,371
Or a Draymond Green baby?
303
00:19:52,238 --> 00:19:55,105
That Draymond baby gonna have a hard life.
304
00:19:57,271 --> 00:20:00,605
Draymond Black, baby. That nigga dark.
305
00:20:01,205 --> 00:20:02,871
He's "sneak-up-on-you" Black.
306
00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:06,771
Where you at, Draymond? "Right here." Hey!
307
00:20:08,138 --> 00:20:09,138
Hey!
308
00:20:09,771 --> 00:20:11,838
Put a bell on, nigga! Put a bell!
309
00:20:18,205 --> 00:20:21,370
I know what she going through.
I know what Meghan Markle's going through.
310
00:20:21,371 --> 00:20:23,038
I-I know her dilemma.
311
00:20:24,038 --> 00:20:29,705
Black girl trying to be accepted
by her white in-laws. Oh, it's hard.
312
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:35,204
Black girl trying to be accepted
by her white in-laws. It's so hard.
313
00:20:35,205 --> 00:20:36,338
It's very hard!
314
00:20:36,871 --> 00:20:38,637
But it ain't as hard
315
00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:43,438
as a white girl trying to be
accepted by her Black in-laws.
316
00:20:45,638 --> 00:20:47,838
Now, that shit is really hard.
317
00:20:48,438 --> 00:20:51,505
Shit, you bring a white girl
home for Thanksgiving,
318
00:20:52,138 --> 00:20:53,905
your momma gonna say something.
319
00:20:56,005 --> 00:21:00,238
Your momma's like, "Why is there
a social worker at the table?"
320
00:21:07,271 --> 00:21:09,038
Like, "Momma, that's Jackie!"
321
00:21:10,271 --> 00:21:12,205
"We've been married nine years!"
322
00:21:13,971 --> 00:21:17,937
"You got three grandchildren!
Stop being so mean!"
323
00:21:17,938 --> 00:21:22,238
"You know I'm playing, right, Jackie?
Just give me time."
324
00:21:23,138 --> 00:21:24,405
Nah, nah, nah.
325
00:21:24,905 --> 00:21:27,971
Meghan Markle, I know the dilemma.
326
00:21:28,605 --> 00:21:31,805
Black girl trying to be accepted
by her white in-laws.
327
00:21:32,405 --> 00:21:37,037
Black girl trying to be accepted
by her white in-laws.
328
00:21:37,038 --> 00:21:39,338
I'm like, "Hey! If you're Black,
329
00:21:39,871 --> 00:21:43,205
and you wanna be accepted
by your white in-laws,
330
00:21:44,505 --> 00:21:48,271
then you need to marry a Kardashian."
331
00:21:51,505 --> 00:21:53,371
'Cause they accept everybody.
332
00:21:54,905 --> 00:21:58,471
So, like, Kris Jenner
is like the Statue of Liberty.
333
00:22:00,105 --> 00:22:04,337
"Give me your tired,
your poor, your huddled masses..."
334
00:22:04,338 --> 00:22:06,571
Kris Jenner lets everybody in.
335
00:22:07,071 --> 00:22:09,605
That's right. She's like a Black grandma.
336
00:22:10,105 --> 00:22:13,070
She just wants to fix you up a plate,
that Kris Jenner.
337
00:22:13,071 --> 00:22:15,737
She don't give a fuck.
She lets everybody in.
338
00:22:15,738 --> 00:22:19,305
She's like, "Bipolar rapper?
Bring your ass in here."
339
00:22:20,771 --> 00:22:23,871
"Come in here, you genius,
bipolar motherfucker."
340
00:22:25,471 --> 00:22:28,471
"Crackhead basketball player?
Bring your ass here."
341
00:22:31,238 --> 00:22:34,371
"Let me fix you up a plate,
you old crackhead."
342
00:22:35,171 --> 00:22:38,071
"Daddy got titties? Bring your ass here."
343
00:22:41,638 --> 00:22:43,171
"Help me with these plates."
344
00:22:44,071 --> 00:22:47,238
The Kardashians are inclusive!
345
00:22:48,405 --> 00:22:52,605
And they love Black people
more than Black people love Black people.
346
00:22:54,271 --> 00:22:56,938
Shit, the father freed O.J.
347
00:23:04,171 --> 00:23:07,105
Oh, you forgot that little nugget
of Black history?
348
00:23:08,438 --> 00:23:11,638
He was a, he was a valuable member
of the Dream Team.
349
00:23:12,138 --> 00:23:15,805
That's right. He wasn't Johnnie Cochran.
He was the Klay Thompson of that team.
350
00:23:16,771 --> 00:23:18,604
That's right. That's right.
351
00:23:18,605 --> 00:23:23,071
Robert Kardashian helped
to free O.J. Simpson,
352
00:23:23,571 --> 00:23:27,338
a Black, football playing murderer!
353
00:23:28,738 --> 00:23:34,805
Whoo! O.J. Simpson killed two white people
and got away with it.
354
00:23:35,571 --> 00:23:37,971
That's another kind of Black excellence.
355
00:23:44,238 --> 00:23:46,271
That's way before Wakanda.
356
00:23:47,871 --> 00:23:49,505
Ah, ha, ha!
357
00:23:50,205 --> 00:23:54,771
Yes. Robert Kardashian helped
to free O.J. Simpson.
358
00:23:55,905 --> 00:23:58,038
That's right. And from that day on,
359
00:23:58,538 --> 00:24:00,904
from the day that he helped
to free O.J. Simpson,
360
00:24:00,905 --> 00:24:03,638
from the time
O.J. Simpson left that court...
361
00:24:04,271 --> 00:24:07,838
From that day on,
Robert Kardashian was cursed.
362
00:24:08,805 --> 00:24:09,805
That's right.
363
00:24:10,638 --> 00:24:12,837
The judge said, "Not guilty."
364
00:24:12,838 --> 00:24:16,105
O.J. left the court,
got in his Bronco, drove away.
365
00:24:17,805 --> 00:24:20,871
And soon as O.J. drove away,
366
00:24:21,605 --> 00:24:22,871
God appeared.
367
00:24:24,271 --> 00:24:27,504
And God walked up to Robert Kardashian
368
00:24:27,505 --> 00:24:29,071
and God said,
369
00:24:30,438 --> 00:24:32,038
"Robert Kardashian!"
370
00:24:33,305 --> 00:24:38,470
"For the sin of helping
to free O.J. Simpson,
371
00:24:38,471 --> 00:24:41,605
a Black, football-playing murderer,
372
00:24:42,571 --> 00:24:45,270
from this day forth,
373
00:24:45,271 --> 00:24:47,904
for the rest of eternity,
374
00:24:47,905 --> 00:24:49,870
till the end of time,
375
00:24:49,871 --> 00:24:52,537
your daughters will fuck
nothing but niggas!"
376
00:25:06,171 --> 00:25:08,237
"And not just any niggas,
377
00:25:08,238 --> 00:25:09,771
crazy niggas."
378
00:25:13,938 --> 00:25:15,938
"The craziest niggas to ever live."
379
00:25:19,905 --> 00:25:21,371
Yeah, we going in tonight.
380
00:25:23,205 --> 00:25:26,138
You can't tell none
of these jokes at work, motherfucker.
381
00:25:26,938 --> 00:25:27,938
No!
382
00:25:28,738 --> 00:25:30,837
I love the Kardashians.
I love the Kardashians.
383
00:25:30,838 --> 00:25:33,238
They're a very tight-knit family.
384
00:25:34,238 --> 00:25:36,570
I... You know what I love
about the Kardashians?
385
00:25:36,571 --> 00:25:39,005
I love how quickly
386
00:25:39,671 --> 00:25:41,905
they accepted Caitlyn.
387
00:25:42,905 --> 00:25:45,738
I thought that was beautiful.
I thought it was beautiful.
388
00:25:46,471 --> 00:25:49,971
That's right.
"No muss, no fuss, she's with us."
389
00:25:51,838 --> 00:25:54,737
I thought it was beautiful.
I would love to believe
390
00:25:54,738 --> 00:25:56,538
that if my father became a woman,
391
00:25:58,071 --> 00:26:00,038
that we would accept the situation
392
00:26:01,138 --> 00:26:03,271
as fast as the Kardashians.
393
00:26:04,305 --> 00:26:06,871
And I'm sure we would. I'm sure we would.
394
00:26:08,538 --> 00:26:10,238
It wouldn't be the first season.
395
00:26:13,771 --> 00:26:16,171
You know, we need a few episodes
396
00:26:17,238 --> 00:26:19,404
to make this shit happen...
No, no, no. No, no.
397
00:26:19,405 --> 00:26:22,371
Honestly, here's the deal.
If my father became a woman,
398
00:26:23,638 --> 00:26:26,771
I would accept it right away.
I would accept it right away.
399
00:26:27,205 --> 00:26:29,170
You know why? 'Cause I'm an artist.
400
00:26:29,171 --> 00:26:32,004
And I've worked with all sorts,
got nothing against anybody.
401
00:26:32,005 --> 00:26:34,170
Trans, I'm sure there's trans people here.
402
00:26:34,171 --> 00:26:36,404
I got no beef with anybody.
403
00:26:36,405 --> 00:26:38,971
I'm gonna accept everyone, right?
404
00:26:40,138 --> 00:26:42,405
That's right. If my father became a woman,
I'd accept it.
405
00:26:42,505 --> 00:26:44,838
I mean, to be perfectly honest...
406
00:26:45,971 --> 00:26:47,737
To be perfectly honest,
407
00:26:47,738 --> 00:26:50,337
in some situations
408
00:26:50,338 --> 00:26:54,205
I actually prefer trans women
409
00:26:55,338 --> 00:26:56,705
to original recipe.
410
00:27:00,105 --> 00:27:01,970
Like, when you're watching a game
411
00:27:01,971 --> 00:27:03,605
they could read defenses.
412
00:27:06,271 --> 00:27:08,938
"That's a Cover 2."
"Ooh, thanks, Peaches."
413
00:27:18,471 --> 00:27:20,870
No!
414
00:27:20,871 --> 00:27:24,338
No, no, no. Again,
if my father became a woman,
415
00:27:24,838 --> 00:27:26,371
I would accept it
416
00:27:27,105 --> 00:27:30,138
'cause I'm an artist
and I would accept it immediately.
417
00:27:30,638 --> 00:27:34,338
Now, my brothers drive trucks.
418
00:27:35,738 --> 00:27:38,838
So, their reaction might be
a little different than mine.
419
00:27:39,538 --> 00:27:42,338
Especially my older brother, Andre.
420
00:27:42,838 --> 00:27:46,204
He, you know,
drives an 18-wheeler, is a Raiders fan.
421
00:27:46,205 --> 00:27:48,405
He's one of them "argh" niggas, you know?
422
00:27:49,071 --> 00:27:52,437
If my father became a woman,
Andre would have a problem with it.
423
00:27:52,438 --> 00:27:54,870
That would be a very testy Christmas
424
00:27:54,871 --> 00:27:56,504
to say the least.
425
00:27:56,505 --> 00:27:59,538
My brother Andre would be like,
"Man, fuck that shit, man!"
426
00:28:00,038 --> 00:28:01,771
"The fuck, you got the heels on?"
427
00:28:02,571 --> 00:28:06,070
"The fuck you doing? You don't gotta
wear a motherfucking heel."
428
00:28:06,071 --> 00:28:08,670
"Why the wig?
What that got to do with nothin'?"
429
00:28:08,671 --> 00:28:10,704
"What the hair got to do with nothin'?"
430
00:28:10,705 --> 00:28:12,604
"Nah, I ain't shaking your hand."
431
00:28:12,605 --> 00:28:15,504
"I don't want none
of that trans to rub off on me."
432
00:28:15,505 --> 00:28:18,070
"My kids here, nigga, my kids!"
433
00:28:18,071 --> 00:28:23,137
And then, I would have to step in
and be the voice of reason.
434
00:28:23,138 --> 00:28:25,370
I would have to check my brother.
435
00:28:25,371 --> 00:28:28,104
I would have to walk up
to him going, "Hey! Hey!"
436
00:28:28,105 --> 00:28:29,438
"Hey, nigga!"
437
00:28:30,038 --> 00:28:32,438
"She's your daddy!"
438
00:28:43,605 --> 00:28:46,770
We gotta love everybody, man.
We gotta love all.
439
00:28:46,771 --> 00:28:50,204
America, America's in bad shape
right now, man.
440
00:28:50,205 --> 00:28:53,771
America's in horrible shape.
We got it worse than Ukraine.
441
00:28:54,638 --> 00:28:55,638
Yeah, I said it.
442
00:28:57,038 --> 00:29:00,570
You know why? 'Cause Ukraine is united
443
00:29:00,571 --> 00:29:03,905
and America is clearly divided.
444
00:29:04,638 --> 00:29:07,538
Okay? We are clearly divided.
445
00:29:09,138 --> 00:29:13,837
Our shit is so screwed up right now,
if the Russians came here right now,
446
00:29:13,838 --> 00:29:15,970
half the country would go,
447
00:29:15,971 --> 00:29:17,105
"Let's hear 'em out."
448
00:29:20,305 --> 00:29:22,237
We in a bad place, man.
449
00:29:22,238 --> 00:29:24,038
Republicans lie.
450
00:29:24,671 --> 00:29:26,238
Republicans lie.
451
00:29:26,905 --> 00:29:30,504
Biggest liars in the world.
Republicans lie,
452
00:29:30,505 --> 00:29:34,470
and Democrats leave out
key pieces of the truth...
453
00:29:37,838 --> 00:29:41,437
that would lead to
a more nuanced argument.
454
00:29:41,438 --> 00:29:43,570
The whole country is fucked up.
455
00:29:43,571 --> 00:29:45,805
School shootings every week.
456
00:29:46,305 --> 00:29:48,170
Fucking opioid epidemic.
457
00:29:48,171 --> 00:29:52,771
Abortion is illegal
in most of the country.
458
00:29:53,605 --> 00:29:55,805
In most of the country,
abortion's illegal.
459
00:29:56,705 --> 00:30:00,037
A lot of people say, "Chris,
you shouldn't talk about abortion."
460
00:30:00,038 --> 00:30:01,438
"It's a women's issue."
461
00:30:02,238 --> 00:30:05,438
Say, "Chris!
You shouldn't talk about abortion."
462
00:30:05,938 --> 00:30:07,471
"It's a women's issue."
463
00:30:07,971 --> 00:30:09,038
And I'm like, "Hey."
464
00:30:09,538 --> 00:30:13,471
"I've paid for more abortions
than any woman in this room."
465
00:30:19,638 --> 00:30:21,704
Shit, when I go to the clinic, I say,
466
00:30:21,705 --> 00:30:22,871
"Gimme the usual."
467
00:30:27,838 --> 00:30:31,605
When I go in there,
they give me a punch card. "Here you go."
468
00:30:32,505 --> 00:30:34,705
Two more and I get a free smoothie.
469
00:30:37,171 --> 00:30:38,405
"Mango."
470
00:30:39,838 --> 00:30:41,838
That's right, pro-life, pro-choice.
471
00:30:42,605 --> 00:30:45,105
Pro-life, pro-choice,
what are you, what are you?
472
00:30:45,605 --> 00:30:49,571
I have two beautiful daughters.
I have two beautiful daughters, right?
473
00:30:50,805 --> 00:30:51,805
And...
474
00:30:53,638 --> 00:30:55,571
So, there's a part of me...
475
00:30:56,071 --> 00:30:57,338
There's a part of me
476
00:30:58,471 --> 00:31:01,404
that's pro-life, okay?
477
00:31:01,405 --> 00:31:04,405
'Cause I'm definitely pro their lives.
478
00:31:05,871 --> 00:31:08,671
Okay? So, there's
a part of me that's pro-life.
479
00:31:09,171 --> 00:31:11,704
But since I love
my daughters unconditionally...
480
00:31:11,705 --> 00:31:15,371
I love them not just as little girls,
I love them as grown women.
481
00:31:15,871 --> 00:31:18,404
I want my daughters to live in a world
482
00:31:18,405 --> 00:31:22,405
where they have
complete control of their bodies, okay?
483
00:31:22,505 --> 00:31:24,405
Okay?
484
00:31:27,138 --> 00:31:28,338
And because of that,
485
00:31:29,371 --> 00:31:31,370
I am pro-choice.
486
00:31:31,371 --> 00:31:35,537
I am absolutely pro-choice, okay?
487
00:31:35,538 --> 00:31:39,904
I believe women
should have the right to kill babies.
488
00:31:45,405 --> 00:31:47,205
That's right. I'm on your side.
489
00:31:48,505 --> 00:31:53,505
I believe you should have the right
to kill as many babies as you want.
490
00:31:54,471 --> 00:31:56,538
Kill 'em all, I don't give a fuck.
491
00:31:57,838 --> 00:32:00,805
But let's not get it twisted,
it is killing a baby.
492
00:32:01,571 --> 00:32:04,304
'Cause whenever I pay for an abortion,
493
00:32:04,305 --> 00:32:06,105
I request a dead baby.
494
00:32:07,305 --> 00:32:10,370
Sometimes, I call up
the doctor like a hit man.
495
00:32:10,371 --> 00:32:11,371
"Is it done?"
496
00:32:15,405 --> 00:32:19,037
And people argue
first trimester, second trimester.
497
00:32:19,038 --> 00:32:21,137
First trimester, second trimester.
498
00:32:21,138 --> 00:32:27,771
I think women should have the right
to kill a baby until it's four years old.
499
00:32:35,738 --> 00:32:39,071
That's right, fuck trimester. Semester.
500
00:32:43,238 --> 00:32:48,138
I think you should be able to kill a baby
till you get that first report card.
501
00:32:49,505 --> 00:32:52,705
"He ain't never getting a scholarship."
502
00:32:54,538 --> 00:32:57,471
"Okay, you can finish
watching Stranger Things,
503
00:32:58,971 --> 00:33:01,171
but when it's over,
we going to the clinic."
504
00:33:02,838 --> 00:33:05,238
"Hurry up, I'm trying to get a smoothie."
505
00:33:12,438 --> 00:33:16,170
That's right. Pro-life, pro-choice.
I'm pro-choice. I'm pro-choice.
506
00:33:16,171 --> 00:33:20,071
I'm pro right choice. I'm pro good choice.
I'm pro practical choice.
507
00:33:20,705 --> 00:33:21,705
Like, ladies...
508
00:33:22,738 --> 00:33:23,805
Ladies, listen to me.
509
00:33:25,905 --> 00:33:29,305
If you have to pay
510
00:33:30,171 --> 00:33:32,871
for your own abortion,
511
00:33:34,305 --> 00:33:35,738
you should get an abortion.
512
00:33:45,571 --> 00:33:49,138
Stop letting broke dicks
cum inside of you.
513
00:33:55,005 --> 00:33:57,371
This has been
a public service announcement.
514
00:34:00,505 --> 00:34:01,805
I'm on your side!
515
00:34:02,305 --> 00:34:03,671
I'm on your side.
516
00:34:04,171 --> 00:34:08,738
Everybody cares about abortion,
trying to save these bad-ass kids.
517
00:34:10,371 --> 00:34:13,737
You know, whenever some kid
goes crazy at a school,
518
00:34:13,738 --> 00:34:17,505
they always say,
"No child... No child is born is racist."
519
00:34:18,005 --> 00:34:19,871
"No child is born hating."
520
00:34:20,371 --> 00:34:23,838
"You have to teach a child to hate.
All children are good."
521
00:34:24,605 --> 00:34:26,505
"All children are born pure."
522
00:34:27,005 --> 00:34:30,338
You know, only people without kids
say dumb shit like that.
523
00:34:31,771 --> 00:34:36,237
Kids are the meanest motherfuckers
on the face of the earth.
524
00:34:36,238 --> 00:34:40,737
They're the most racist,
sexist, homophobic, fat-a-phobic,
525
00:34:40,738 --> 00:34:46,038
will-say-anything-to-your-face
motherfuckers on Earth, okay?
526
00:34:49,371 --> 00:34:54,838
You realize human beings,
we have the worst offspring of any animal.
527
00:34:55,671 --> 00:34:58,870
We're the only animal
in the whole animal kingdom
528
00:34:58,871 --> 00:35:03,605
that has to raise its kids for 18 years.
529
00:35:04,838 --> 00:35:09,138
Eighteen years. Every other animal's
like two or three days.
530
00:35:12,071 --> 00:35:13,537
Like, birds are like,
531
00:35:13,538 --> 00:35:15,005
"I hope you can fly."
532
00:35:19,405 --> 00:35:23,137
Eighteen years!
And they still bad!
533
00:35:23,138 --> 00:35:24,971
And they still fuck up.
534
00:35:25,871 --> 00:35:28,970
"No, kids are born good."
Shut the fuck up, man.
535
00:35:28,971 --> 00:35:32,605
My oldest daughter, Lola,
used to bite kids.
536
00:35:33,671 --> 00:35:34,671
Bite 'em.
537
00:35:35,171 --> 00:35:37,104
That's right.
You'd be at a birthday party.
538
00:35:37,105 --> 00:35:39,138
"Happy birthday to..."
539
00:35:43,038 --> 00:35:45,471
You look around, Lola done bit somebody.
540
00:35:46,271 --> 00:35:49,370
Now, let me ask you something.
Do you think me and her mother
541
00:35:49,371 --> 00:35:50,805
taught her to bite?
542
00:35:52,305 --> 00:35:54,905
Do you think me and her mother
sharpened her teeth?
543
00:35:56,805 --> 00:35:59,505
Do you think we bought her
mannequins to practice on?
544
00:36:00,238 --> 00:36:02,405
No, that's just who the fuck she is.
545
00:36:03,738 --> 00:36:05,770
That's just her nature.
546
00:36:05,771 --> 00:36:08,238
She came out the womb like Wolverine.
547
00:36:09,971 --> 00:36:12,938
I love my kids. I love my kids,
but I don't like them.
548
00:36:14,271 --> 00:36:15,404
I don't like my kids.
549
00:36:15,405 --> 00:36:18,738
You know one reason I don't like my kids?
'Cause my kids are rich.
550
00:36:19,205 --> 00:36:21,470
My kids are rich and spoiled.
551
00:36:21,471 --> 00:36:23,604
I know some people are like,
"Chris, you're rich."
552
00:36:23,605 --> 00:36:25,037
Yeah, I'm rich.
553
00:36:25,038 --> 00:36:27,505
But I identify as poor.
554
00:36:31,705 --> 00:36:32,838
Whoo!
555
00:36:33,938 --> 00:36:36,838
That's right, my pronoun is broke.
556
00:36:39,005 --> 00:36:40,370
That's right, man.
557
00:36:40,371 --> 00:36:41,904
And my kids are spoiled.
558
00:36:41,905 --> 00:36:45,404
My kids are fucking spoiled and I did it.
559
00:36:45,405 --> 00:36:48,137
Me and their mother, but I fucking did it.
560
00:36:48,138 --> 00:36:50,837
A lot, a lot of Black people
get a little money, and they're like,
561
00:36:50,838 --> 00:36:53,605
"I want my kids to know
how it is in the hood." Not me.
562
00:36:54,905 --> 00:36:56,604
I want the exact opposite.
563
00:36:56,605 --> 00:36:59,604
I want my kids
to know shit about the hood.
564
00:36:59,605 --> 00:37:03,270
I want them to be lost
every time they're in a hood, okay?
565
00:37:03,271 --> 00:37:08,070
My kids went
to the best schools on Earth, okay?
566
00:37:08,071 --> 00:37:12,071
My kids speak multiple languages, okay?
567
00:37:12,605 --> 00:37:16,071
Sometimes they curse me out,
I don't even know what they talkin' about.
568
00:37:16,771 --> 00:37:21,771
My kids ski, they ride horses, they fence.
569
00:37:22,838 --> 00:37:24,871
I've got fencing Black girls,
570
00:37:26,771 --> 00:37:28,405
with afro puffs,
571
00:37:29,171 --> 00:37:31,271
talking about, "Touché, nigga."
572
00:37:33,705 --> 00:37:36,570
That's right. You can't fuck with
the Rock girls, boy.
573
00:37:36,571 --> 00:37:38,571
Them Rock girls are fucking spoiled.
574
00:37:39,271 --> 00:37:41,070
I remember my youngest, Zahra,
575
00:37:41,071 --> 00:37:43,905
when she was in kindergarten,
one day, the teacher said,
576
00:37:44,505 --> 00:37:47,937
"Today, we're gonna learn
about the four seasons."
577
00:37:47,938 --> 00:37:51,071
And Zahra said,
"That's my favorite hotel."
578
00:37:56,205 --> 00:37:58,805
Yeah, you ain't never seen
Black girls like this.
579
00:37:59,538 --> 00:38:02,470
My kids are fucking spoiled.
580
00:38:02,471 --> 00:38:04,437
That's right. And I did it, man.
581
00:38:04,438 --> 00:38:07,037
When they were little kids,
I used to take them to Disney a lot.
582
00:38:07,038 --> 00:38:09,337
Used to take them to Disney
all the time, right?
583
00:38:09,338 --> 00:38:12,304
But I ain't take them
like normal people, no.
584
00:38:12,305 --> 00:38:15,205
That's right. We went
on the Illuminati package.
585
00:38:17,371 --> 00:38:19,804
We weren't out there
waiting to meet the characters,
586
00:38:19,805 --> 00:38:21,070
like everybody else.
587
00:38:21,071 --> 00:38:23,838
We were backstage
chilling with the characters.
588
00:38:24,571 --> 00:38:26,905
That's right. I smoked a joint with Goofy.
589
00:38:29,838 --> 00:38:32,438
Fucking Minnie gave me a lap dance.
590
00:38:33,638 --> 00:38:35,671
Rubbed that big rat ass on me.
591
00:38:39,105 --> 00:38:41,137
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
592
00:38:41,138 --> 00:38:42,170
That's right, man.
593
00:38:42,171 --> 00:38:44,837
My kids had it good.
Had it much better than me.
594
00:38:44,838 --> 00:38:48,137
'Cause when I was a kid,
we went to Disney.
595
00:38:48,138 --> 00:38:50,470
That's right.
Me, my mother, and my brothers,
596
00:38:50,471 --> 00:38:53,005
we went to Disney as poor people.
597
00:38:54,071 --> 00:38:55,571
On a church trip.
598
00:38:57,571 --> 00:38:59,671
Sad already, ain't it?
599
00:39:00,871 --> 00:39:03,371
On a church trip.
600
00:39:04,238 --> 00:39:09,105
New York to Orlando, in August,
601
00:39:09,605 --> 00:39:13,438
on a bus with no AC.
602
00:39:14,438 --> 00:39:17,605
It was so hot, I thought
we were going to see the Devil.
603
00:39:19,938 --> 00:39:22,404
Took us two days to get there,
604
00:39:22,405 --> 00:39:25,205
'cause the driver was selling
weed on the way.
605
00:39:27,338 --> 00:39:30,604
And when we finally got there,
we weren't really there,
606
00:39:30,605 --> 00:39:35,438
'cause Disney's in Orlando,
and our hotel was in Alabama.
607
00:39:41,005 --> 00:39:44,270
And we're staying in some nasty motel.
608
00:39:44,271 --> 00:39:48,004
It had a bed that vibrates
if you put a quarter in it.
609
00:39:48,005 --> 00:39:52,005
We're little kids. We don't know
this is a nasty, cummed-up mattress.
610
00:39:54,371 --> 00:39:57,771
And we're begging my mother,
"Mommy, can you put another quarter in?"
611
00:39:59,305 --> 00:40:03,838
And my mother's like, "I'm gonna put
a quarter in, but this counts as a ride."
612
00:40:05,005 --> 00:40:06,938
God damn.
613
00:40:07,771 --> 00:40:09,704
Best time of my life.
614
00:40:09,705 --> 00:40:12,871
Now, my kids, my kids,
yes, they're spoiled.
615
00:40:13,838 --> 00:40:14,805
Yes, they are spoiled,
616
00:40:14,806 --> 00:40:17,537
but they get in trouble
just like any other kids.
617
00:40:17,538 --> 00:40:18,937
So about three years ago,
618
00:40:18,938 --> 00:40:22,904
my oldest, Lola,
was a senior in high school, right?
619
00:40:22,905 --> 00:40:26,737
And they went on a class trip.
It was time for a class trip.
620
00:40:26,738 --> 00:40:29,405
Now, a fancy school has a fancy trip.
621
00:40:30,171 --> 00:40:33,605
So their class trip was to Portugal.
622
00:40:35,238 --> 00:40:37,604
Ain't that some shit? Portugal.
623
00:40:37,605 --> 00:40:40,171
When I was a kid,
we went to the Bronx Zoo.
624
00:40:42,105 --> 00:40:43,938
Watched a gorilla jerk off.
625
00:40:46,405 --> 00:40:48,405
And then had to write a report about it.
626
00:40:50,305 --> 00:40:51,971
"He held it tightly."
627
00:40:54,371 --> 00:40:56,670
So Lola goes on the class trip,
628
00:40:56,671 --> 00:41:01,171
and she's in Portugal,
doing whatever Portuguese shit they do.
629
00:41:01,905 --> 00:41:05,937
And one day, Lola,
and four of her little white girl friends
630
00:41:05,938 --> 00:41:10,138
decide that they're bored
and they're gonna leave the class.
631
00:41:10,771 --> 00:41:14,805
They're gonna sneak away,
go to a bar, and get drunk.
632
00:41:15,738 --> 00:41:18,271
And then they tried to sneak back in.
633
00:41:18,905 --> 00:41:22,171
But of course, they got busted.
Of course, they got busted.
634
00:41:23,138 --> 00:41:25,670
Now, these crazy, rich, white schools,
635
00:41:25,671 --> 00:41:27,371
they don't play that shit.
636
00:41:28,105 --> 00:41:31,205
You get busted sneaking out drinking,
they're like, "You are kicked out."
637
00:41:31,971 --> 00:41:32,971
But...
638
00:41:33,905 --> 00:41:36,370
But, this school, of course,
639
00:41:36,371 --> 00:41:40,837
these crazy white schools
got rich-ass white parents.
640
00:41:40,838 --> 00:41:45,105
And rich-ass white parents do not let
their kids get kicked out of school.
641
00:41:45,805 --> 00:41:49,338
So all these rich-ass parents,
they've all got lawyers.
642
00:41:50,105 --> 00:41:52,871
Even the ones
that were lawyers, got lawyers.
643
00:41:54,605 --> 00:41:56,237
Okay? And they got them good lawyers.
644
00:41:56,238 --> 00:41:58,971
They got those NFL rape lawyers.
645
00:42:02,438 --> 00:42:03,737
Like, I'm not advocating rape.
646
00:42:03,738 --> 00:42:07,004
But if you're ever on trial,
that's who you want, okay?
647
00:42:07,005 --> 00:42:09,505
Either that, or Robert Kardashian, right?
648
00:42:10,871 --> 00:42:12,970
And they got the good lawyers, right?
649
00:42:12,971 --> 00:42:14,470
I didn't want a lawyer at first.
650
00:42:14,471 --> 00:42:17,837
I didn't want to get a lawyer
because I was mad at my child.
651
00:42:17,838 --> 00:42:20,970
I was mad. I was like,
"Lola, what the fuck is going on?"
652
00:42:20,971 --> 00:42:23,005
"First, you're biting. Now, this shit?"
653
00:42:25,038 --> 00:42:26,470
And I tried to talk to my ex-wife.
654
00:42:26,471 --> 00:42:29,170
I was like, "Let's wait
before we get a lawyer."
655
00:42:29,171 --> 00:42:31,970
"Let's see how this turns out.
Let's see how it unfolds."
656
00:42:31,971 --> 00:42:33,504
My ex-wife's like, "No, fuck that."
657
00:42:33,505 --> 00:42:36,037
"We're getting a lawyer,
and we're gonna sue this school."
658
00:42:36,038 --> 00:42:38,704
"We're gonna sue this dean.
We're gonna sue these teachers."
659
00:42:38,705 --> 00:42:40,970
"I can't even believe
they let her out of their sight."
660
00:42:40,971 --> 00:42:42,637
"We are suing these people."
661
00:42:42,638 --> 00:42:45,137
And I started to argue with her,
662
00:42:45,138 --> 00:42:49,070
but the last time I argued
with my ex-wife about a lawyer,
663
00:42:49,071 --> 00:42:50,471
I lost my house.
664
00:42:53,605 --> 00:42:55,338
So we got a lawyer. We got a lawyer.
665
00:42:55,971 --> 00:42:57,670
And I'm talking to the lawyer,
666
00:42:57,671 --> 00:43:00,604
and the lawyer's like,
"Okay, okay, I talked to some people."
667
00:43:00,605 --> 00:43:02,570
"And if you give me ten days,
668
00:43:02,571 --> 00:43:05,005
I should be able
to get her back in the school."
669
00:43:05,505 --> 00:43:07,470
So Lola's home for ten days.
670
00:43:07,471 --> 00:43:13,770
One day, I come home from work
and I see Lola outside just laughing
671
00:43:13,771 --> 00:43:17,238
with, like, three of her little
white girl friends, just laughing.
672
00:43:18,038 --> 00:43:22,504
You ever just want
to choke your child for smiling?
673
00:43:22,505 --> 00:43:25,737
Like, motherfucker,
what are you smiling about right now?
674
00:43:25,738 --> 00:43:28,470
So I walk over to Lola.
I'm like, "Lola, what's so funny?"
675
00:43:28,471 --> 00:43:29,937
"What is so funny?"
676
00:43:29,938 --> 00:43:32,070
And Lola's like, "Daddy, stop it!"
677
00:43:32,071 --> 00:43:35,305
"You're so serious.
I'll be back in school in no time."
678
00:43:35,805 --> 00:43:38,438
And I'm like,
"Look at this smug motherfucker."
679
00:43:39,305 --> 00:43:41,870
And at that moment, I kind of snapped.
680
00:43:41,871 --> 00:43:43,804
And I got back in the car.
681
00:43:43,805 --> 00:43:47,504
I got back in the fucking car
and I drove to the school.
682
00:43:47,505 --> 00:43:49,237
I drove to the school and found the dean.
683
00:43:49,238 --> 00:43:51,638
I was like, "Hey, we need to talk."
684
00:43:52,471 --> 00:43:54,170
"I know
you're going through it right now."
685
00:43:54,171 --> 00:43:56,804
"I know you've got
a lot of parents trying to sue you,
686
00:43:56,805 --> 00:44:01,137
and trying to sue the school,
and trying to get you fired,
687
00:44:01,138 --> 00:44:02,471
but I need a favor."
688
00:44:03,471 --> 00:44:07,838
"I need you to kick
my daughter out of this school."
689
00:44:09,538 --> 00:44:14,504
"I need you to kick
her Black ass out of this school."
690
00:44:14,505 --> 00:44:20,170
"I need my Black child
to learn her lesson right now,
691
00:44:20,171 --> 00:44:23,438
before she ends up
on OnlyFans or some shit."
692
00:44:24,438 --> 00:44:28,837
"Please kick my child
out of fucking school."
693
00:44:28,838 --> 00:44:29,904
And they kicked her out.
694
00:44:29,905 --> 00:44:33,737
They kicked them all out,
but they kicked my child out first,
695
00:44:33,738 --> 00:44:35,738
okay? 'Cause I'm a celebrity.
696
00:44:37,038 --> 00:44:38,870
And I went home,
697
00:44:38,871 --> 00:44:41,405
act like I didn't know
what was about to happen.
698
00:44:42,205 --> 00:44:44,571
The phone rang. I was like,
"Lola, you should get that."
699
00:44:47,838 --> 00:44:50,304
I act like I didn't know shit.
700
00:44:50,305 --> 00:44:53,604
And Lola got the phone
and they gave her the news.
701
00:44:53,605 --> 00:44:55,904
And then Lola comes in all sad.
702
00:44:55,905 --> 00:44:58,237
"Daddy,
they kicked me out of school."
703
00:44:58,238 --> 00:45:01,405
And I was like, "I told you
them crackers are mean, Lola."
704
00:45:02,805 --> 00:45:04,870
"I told you about them crackers."
705
00:45:04,871 --> 00:45:06,470
And to this day,
706
00:45:06,471 --> 00:45:10,004
Lola has no idea
I had anything to do with that shit.
707
00:45:10,005 --> 00:45:13,237
And her mother has no idea
I had anything to do with that shit.
708
00:45:13,238 --> 00:45:15,237
And the lawyer has no idea.
709
00:45:15,238 --> 00:45:19,504
And they won't find out
till they see this shit on Netflix.
710
00:45:29,171 --> 00:45:30,470
Here's the amazing thing.
711
00:45:30,471 --> 00:45:33,337
Here's a beautiful thing that happened.
Here's a beautiful thing...
712
00:45:33,338 --> 00:45:34,605
It worked.
713
00:45:35,338 --> 00:45:38,604
The whole thing humbled Lola, my God,
714
00:45:38,605 --> 00:45:40,737
'cause Lola got kicked
out of school for real.
715
00:45:40,738 --> 00:45:43,037
So she had to apply
to another high school,
716
00:45:43,038 --> 00:45:47,004
and she had to write essays
explaining why she got kicked out,
717
00:45:47,005 --> 00:45:48,937
and why it would never happen again.
718
00:45:48,938 --> 00:45:51,537
And when it was time
for her to apply for college,
719
00:45:51,538 --> 00:45:55,737
she had to write why she got kicked out,
and why it would never happen again.
720
00:45:55,738 --> 00:45:58,337
And now, three years later,
721
00:45:58,338 --> 00:46:01,937
my daughter, Lola, is one
of the coolest people I have ever met.
722
00:46:01,938 --> 00:46:04,071
She is so amazing.
723
00:46:04,671 --> 00:46:06,871
Lola Rock is amazing.
724
00:46:08,038 --> 00:46:13,738
My daughter, Lola,
goes to culinary school in Paris.
725
00:46:15,171 --> 00:46:16,171
Yeah.
726
00:46:16,905 --> 00:46:19,938
Culinary school. Touché, nigga, touché.
727
00:46:21,805 --> 00:46:25,304
Culinary school in Paris.
728
00:46:25,305 --> 00:46:27,837
That's right.
My greatest achievement, man.
729
00:46:27,838 --> 00:46:31,937
I mean, let's just think about it.
Let's just think about it for a second.
730
00:46:31,938 --> 00:46:37,337
My mother was born in 1945.
731
00:46:37,338 --> 00:46:39,837
My mother was born
in 1945, in a little town
732
00:46:39,838 --> 00:46:42,270
called Georgetown, South Carolina, right?
733
00:46:42,271 --> 00:46:44,170
And my mother told me
734
00:46:44,171 --> 00:46:48,137
when she was a little girl,
it was against the law
735
00:46:48,138 --> 00:46:52,405
for a Black person
to go to a white dentist.
736
00:46:53,105 --> 00:46:56,770
Against the law for a Black person
to go to a white dentist, right?
737
00:46:56,771 --> 00:47:00,204
And if you were a little child
and you needed your teeth taken out,
738
00:47:00,205 --> 00:47:02,637
like all children do,
739
00:47:02,638 --> 00:47:03,970
if you're a little Black child
740
00:47:03,971 --> 00:47:08,870
and you needed your teeth taken out,
and you couldn't find a Black dentist,
741
00:47:08,871 --> 00:47:11,671
you had to go to a vet.
742
00:47:13,005 --> 00:47:16,770
Yeah, motherfucker. A vet in America.
743
00:47:16,771 --> 00:47:20,104
I'm talking about my mother.
I'm not talking about Harriet Tubman.
744
00:47:20,105 --> 00:47:24,304
I'm talking about my mother.
Shit, she's sitting over there, okay?
745
00:47:24,305 --> 00:47:28,171
My mother went to a vet, okay?
746
00:47:29,405 --> 00:47:30,604
Went to a vet.
747
00:47:30,605 --> 00:47:32,604
And think about it.
748
00:47:32,605 --> 00:47:34,604
The same woman that had to go through
749
00:47:34,605 --> 00:47:39,637
the indignity of getting
her teeth taken out by a fucking vet,
750
00:47:39,638 --> 00:47:43,970
the same woman now, twice a year,
751
00:47:43,971 --> 00:47:50,770
gets on a plane, flies to Paris,
and has coffee with her granddaughter,
752
00:47:50,771 --> 00:47:53,271
who is going to culinary school.
753
00:47:54,205 --> 00:47:57,005
Touché, nigga, touché.
754
00:47:58,438 --> 00:47:59,438
Okay?
755
00:48:00,205 --> 00:48:02,137
And Lola, and my mother,
756
00:48:02,138 --> 00:48:05,637
my mother sits her down
and tells her about her life,
757
00:48:05,638 --> 00:48:07,171
and then Lola bites her.
758
00:48:10,338 --> 00:48:11,371
Yes.
759
00:48:12,471 --> 00:48:13,905
Touché, nigga, touché.
760
00:48:14,705 --> 00:48:15,904
Oh, my life is good.
761
00:48:15,905 --> 00:48:19,437
I cannot complain, man. Cannot complain.
762
00:48:19,438 --> 00:48:22,804
You know, I got some bullshit going on,
but it's going good.
763
00:48:22,805 --> 00:48:23,805
I'm single.
764
00:48:24,605 --> 00:48:25,605
I'm single.
765
00:48:26,171 --> 00:48:27,637
Have been single a long time.
766
00:48:27,638 --> 00:48:29,270
I was married for a long time,
767
00:48:29,271 --> 00:48:31,637
you know,
I was dating somebody for a while.
768
00:48:31,638 --> 00:48:33,970
Now I'm single and here's the crazy thing.
769
00:48:33,971 --> 00:48:36,238
You don't even realize
770
00:48:36,771 --> 00:48:39,938
all the amazing little things
a woman does for you
771
00:48:40,571 --> 00:48:41,805
'til you don't have one.
772
00:48:43,771 --> 00:48:44,937
You don't even realize 'em.
773
00:48:44,938 --> 00:48:48,837
Women do so many things
that you don't even realize.
774
00:48:48,838 --> 00:48:50,937
Like the other night,
I'm trying to get some sleep
775
00:48:50,938 --> 00:48:54,438
trying to sleep, couldn't sleep,
trying to sleep, couldn't sleep.
776
00:48:55,138 --> 00:48:56,871
And suddenly it dawned on me, I was like,
777
00:48:58,171 --> 00:48:59,871
"This pillowcase is filthy."
778
00:49:06,305 --> 00:49:08,205
"Are we supposed to change these?"
779
00:49:10,371 --> 00:49:13,305
I flipped it over it was black and greasy.
780
00:49:13,905 --> 00:49:16,771
I was like, "Did Draymond Green
sleep on this part of the bed?"
781
00:49:18,071 --> 00:49:20,370
- That shit was black, man.
- Yeah.
782
00:49:20,371 --> 00:49:21,570
Try to date.
783
00:49:21,571 --> 00:49:23,904
Trying to fucking date is hard.
784
00:49:23,905 --> 00:49:28,238
'Cause on one hand, you know,
I'm loving, I want a real relationship.
785
00:49:28,838 --> 00:49:30,471
"I want a Sunday kind of love."
786
00:49:31,571 --> 00:49:33,805
And the other time,
on the other hand, I'm just a ho.
787
00:49:35,071 --> 00:49:37,271
I'm just bad.
I'm like, "Ah, fuck all this shit."
788
00:49:38,105 --> 00:49:39,837
Like I'm all fucked up, we all got that.
789
00:49:39,838 --> 00:49:42,338
Like, ladies, I will lick your ass
790
00:49:43,838 --> 00:49:45,605
and never call you again.
791
00:49:48,205 --> 00:49:51,271
But if we hold hands, you my girl.
792
00:49:53,871 --> 00:49:54,937
Why is that?
793
00:49:54,938 --> 00:49:59,871
Why is holding hands
more intimate than licking ass?
794
00:50:00,771 --> 00:50:02,138
That don't make no sense.
795
00:50:03,305 --> 00:50:06,204
I'm doing the Netflix special tonight,
I'm making a ton of money,
796
00:50:06,205 --> 00:50:08,071
I might lick somebody's ass tonight.
797
00:50:09,105 --> 00:50:11,638
But I know, I ain't holding nobody's hand.
798
00:50:14,205 --> 00:50:16,437
I know that shit.
799
00:50:16,438 --> 00:50:20,505
I can't tell you every woman I fucked,
but I know every hand I ever held.
800
00:50:22,971 --> 00:50:25,170
I'm trying to date, trying to date.
801
00:50:25,171 --> 00:50:27,105
Trying to date women my age,
802
00:50:27,771 --> 00:50:31,338
which is 10 to 15 years younger than me.
803
00:50:33,738 --> 00:50:36,871
Don't hate the player, hate the game.
804
00:50:37,471 --> 00:50:38,371
You're right.
805
00:50:38,372 --> 00:50:42,838
I didn't get rich and stay in shape
to talk about Anita Baker.
806
00:50:48,805 --> 00:50:50,671
I'm trying to fuck Doja Cat.
807
00:50:59,638 --> 00:51:01,505
Yeah, nigga, yeah.
808
00:51:02,538 --> 00:51:04,705
No, man, a lot of people think
809
00:51:05,271 --> 00:51:07,504
men date younger women
'cause they're younger.
810
00:51:07,505 --> 00:51:09,304
No, not at all.
811
00:51:09,305 --> 00:51:12,005
Men do not date younger women
'cause they're younger.
812
00:51:12,671 --> 00:51:14,138
Men date younger women
813
00:51:15,271 --> 00:51:17,971
'cause they're less expensive to date.
814
00:51:19,371 --> 00:51:21,504
That is what it all boils down to.
815
00:51:21,505 --> 00:51:26,105
See, you go out with a 25-year-old,
she just wants a pair of shoes.
816
00:51:26,505 --> 00:51:29,270
"I saw these shoes.
Can I get these shoes?"
817
00:51:29,271 --> 00:51:31,904
"I saw these shoes.
Can I get these shoes?"
818
00:51:31,905 --> 00:51:35,137
"I really like these shoes.
Can I get these shoes?"
819
00:51:35,138 --> 00:51:36,705
"Can I send you the link?"
820
00:51:38,171 --> 00:51:39,537
"Can I send you the link?"
821
00:51:39,538 --> 00:51:43,104
"I want to get these shoes.
Can I get these shoes?"
822
00:51:43,105 --> 00:51:44,538
"You can Venmo me."
823
00:51:45,338 --> 00:51:47,805
"That's the app
I put on your phone three weeks ago."
824
00:51:48,538 --> 00:51:49,938
"Can I get these shoes?"
825
00:51:50,505 --> 00:51:52,170
And if you're lucky,
826
00:51:52,171 --> 00:51:54,870
your 25-year-old
will model those shoes for you.
827
00:51:54,871 --> 00:51:56,905
That's right.
You go, "Fuck it. Get your shoes."
828
00:51:57,471 --> 00:51:59,971
And if you're lucky,
she will model them for you naked.
829
00:52:00,838 --> 00:52:03,570
She's like, "You like your shoes, Daddy?"
"You like your shoes?"
830
00:52:03,571 --> 00:52:06,870
"You like your shoes,
Daddy?" "You like your shoes?"
831
00:52:06,871 --> 00:52:08,738
And everybody's happy
832
00:52:09,605 --> 00:52:11,905
for the price of a pair of shoes.
833
00:52:12,871 --> 00:52:15,538
That's what it's like
to date a 25 year old.
834
00:52:16,271 --> 00:52:18,338
You go out with a 45, 50?
835
00:52:19,005 --> 00:52:20,805
They want more than shoes.
836
00:52:22,971 --> 00:52:26,505
You go out
with a 45, 50-year-old, she's like,
837
00:52:27,538 --> 00:52:29,638
"Can you help me fix my roof?"
838
00:52:36,105 --> 00:52:37,171
Goddamn.
839
00:52:38,271 --> 00:52:39,971
That ain't sexy at all.
840
00:52:41,771 --> 00:52:44,205
What, I got to get estimates
for this pussy?
841
00:52:47,371 --> 00:52:52,404
I got to see contractors
for this pussy, goddamn.
842
00:52:52,405 --> 00:52:56,571
You go out with a 45, 50-year-old,
they got a house that's falling apart.
843
00:52:57,238 --> 00:52:59,138
They're like,
"You know anybody with a snake?"
844
00:53:01,005 --> 00:53:02,005
A snake?
845
00:53:02,505 --> 00:53:04,405
You don't want my dick to ever get hard.
846
00:53:07,638 --> 00:53:09,537
You go out with a 45, 50-year-old,
847
00:53:09,538 --> 00:53:11,738
they always got a car
that's falling apart.
848
00:53:12,505 --> 00:53:13,871
Car's a piece of shit.
849
00:53:14,638 --> 00:53:18,505
They always got
the worst version of a good car.
850
00:53:20,605 --> 00:53:21,904
The car got a good name,
851
00:53:21,905 --> 00:53:25,370
but they got the worst version
they ever made.
852
00:53:25,371 --> 00:53:27,638
Like a Mercedes 308.
853
00:53:29,405 --> 00:53:31,071
What the fuck's a 308?
854
00:53:31,738 --> 00:53:34,271
Four-cylinder
and you roll the window down?
855
00:53:35,238 --> 00:53:36,771
Who sold you this shit?
856
00:53:38,238 --> 00:53:40,538
They got a Tesla that takes gas.
857
00:53:44,005 --> 00:53:46,371
You're like, "Who sold you this shit?"
858
00:53:47,238 --> 00:53:48,605
What the fuck?
859
00:53:49,405 --> 00:53:51,470
God, man, but the pussy good.
860
00:53:51,471 --> 00:53:54,905
The pussy,
that 45, 50-year-old pussy, it's good.
861
00:53:55,505 --> 00:53:57,038
That's right, it simmered longer.
862
00:53:58,038 --> 00:54:00,671
It's been on the pot a little longer.
863
00:54:01,538 --> 00:54:05,238
That's right, that 45, 50-year-old pussy
is like spaghetti.
864
00:54:06,905 --> 00:54:08,671
It's better the next day.
865
00:54:11,071 --> 00:54:14,170
It really is, really is. Whoo!
866
00:54:14,171 --> 00:54:16,138
It really fucking is.
867
00:54:16,838 --> 00:54:20,337
And they always got a fucked up car
then you get that good pussy.
868
00:54:20,338 --> 00:54:22,637
You get that good 45, 50-year-old pussy
869
00:54:22,638 --> 00:54:24,904
you think you leaving the house,
"Okay, see you later."
870
00:54:24,905 --> 00:54:28,271
And then she's like,
"No, no, no, no, no. I need a favor."
871
00:54:29,871 --> 00:54:33,238
"Can you come with me to the mechanic
to pick up my car?"
872
00:54:34,205 --> 00:54:37,071
"I need you to come 'cause if I go alone
they're gonna take advantage."
873
00:54:39,071 --> 00:54:41,605
So now you gotta go with her
to pick up her car.
874
00:54:41,905 --> 00:54:43,938
You don't even know
what's wrong with the car.
875
00:54:44,938 --> 00:54:46,038
But you gotta go.
876
00:54:46,705 --> 00:54:51,071
And you just standing there
like some sort of sexual scarecrow.
877
00:54:57,071 --> 00:55:01,971
And the mechanic's like, "That's $500,"
and you're like...
878
00:55:07,438 --> 00:55:10,438
And then the mechanic says, "Okay, $450."
879
00:55:11,671 --> 00:55:15,071
And then she goes, "I only got $35."
880
00:55:16,571 --> 00:55:19,071
Bitch, you fucking played me!
881
00:55:19,771 --> 00:55:21,305
I just got your roof fixed.
882
00:55:24,205 --> 00:55:27,304
They say women have all,
they say men have all the power.
883
00:55:27,305 --> 00:55:29,071
They say men have all the power.
884
00:55:29,638 --> 00:55:32,637
But we don't. We don't have all the power.
885
00:55:32,638 --> 00:55:34,638
Women have the power.
886
00:55:35,305 --> 00:55:37,870
You got all the fucking power.
887
00:55:37,871 --> 00:55:38,871
That's right.
888
00:55:38,872 --> 00:55:43,571
'Cause there's nothing more powerful
than female beauty.
889
00:55:44,305 --> 00:55:46,605
Nothing more powerful, that's right.
890
00:55:47,138 --> 00:55:49,738
A beautiful woman can stop traffic.
891
00:55:50,571 --> 00:55:53,738
There is nothing about a man
that can stop traffic.
892
00:55:55,505 --> 00:55:56,405
Now, that's right.
893
00:55:56,406 --> 00:56:00,671
You could be a dead man on a highway
with your dick out
894
00:56:01,938 --> 00:56:04,405
and they will drive around your dead ass.
895
00:56:06,371 --> 00:56:09,104
There's nothing
896
00:56:09,105 --> 00:56:12,870
more powerful than female beauty.
897
00:56:12,871 --> 00:56:15,771
You call it female beauty,
you can call it pussy.
898
00:56:16,671 --> 00:56:18,270
Call it whatever you want, man.
899
00:56:18,271 --> 00:56:20,737
Shit, I've been working,
900
00:56:20,738 --> 00:56:23,637
I've been working
since I was seven years old.
901
00:56:23,638 --> 00:56:25,538
Been working for almost 50 years.
902
00:56:26,071 --> 00:56:28,871
Seven years old!
I used to sweep up at a supermarket.
903
00:56:29,438 --> 00:56:31,705
I've been working
since I was seven years old.
904
00:56:32,505 --> 00:56:36,438
And I have made millions of dollars, okay?
905
00:56:37,405 --> 00:56:41,071
And every dime I have ever made
906
00:56:42,038 --> 00:56:45,405
I have spent it on pussy.
907
00:56:47,805 --> 00:56:50,137
Every fucking cent!
908
00:56:50,138 --> 00:56:53,238
Either pussy or pussy adjacent.
909
00:56:54,771 --> 00:56:57,037
Every fucking dime.
910
00:56:57,038 --> 00:56:59,604
Getting the pussy hair done,
911
00:56:59,605 --> 00:57:01,737
getting the pussy taxes done,
912
00:57:01,738 --> 00:57:04,070
getting the pussy's son into camp,
913
00:57:04,071 --> 00:57:06,005
getting the pussy's tooth fixed,
914
00:57:06,505 --> 00:57:09,004
getting the pussy's driveway done,
915
00:57:09,005 --> 00:57:11,937
getting the pussy's mama
some life insurance,
916
00:57:11,938 --> 00:57:14,471
getting the pussy bunion surgery.
917
00:57:15,071 --> 00:57:19,305
I've paid more college loans off
than Joe Biden.
918
00:57:26,038 --> 00:57:27,205
Motherfucker.
919
00:57:28,738 --> 00:57:30,404
Spent all my money on pussy.
920
00:57:30,405 --> 00:57:33,771
And if I had a chance to do it again
I'd spend it on pussy again.
921
00:57:35,671 --> 00:57:39,871
They say men have all the advantages.
No, we don't.
922
00:57:40,538 --> 00:57:43,804
That's right, man.
Women you got all the advantages.
923
00:57:43,805 --> 00:57:48,338
You ever notice how you can tell
what kind of neighborhood you in?
924
00:57:49,538 --> 00:57:52,105
Just by who's not working?
925
00:57:54,938 --> 00:57:58,037
Think about it for one sec, you can tell
what kind of neighborhood you in
926
00:57:58,038 --> 00:58:00,704
just by who's not working.
927
00:58:00,705 --> 00:58:03,504
If you're in any neighborhood in America,
928
00:58:03,505 --> 00:58:08,137
at 12:15 in the afternoon on a Wednesday,
929
00:58:08,138 --> 00:58:14,404
and you see women with sweatpants on
coming out the gym,
930
00:58:14,405 --> 00:58:17,604
pushing babies, riding bikes.
931
00:58:17,605 --> 00:58:21,571
That's right, having brunch,
going to SoulCycle.
932
00:58:23,338 --> 00:58:25,971
Chances are you're in a nice neighborhood.
933
00:58:26,905 --> 00:58:28,971
There's probably a Whole Foods nearby.
934
00:58:30,305 --> 00:58:35,270
That's right, wherever women ain't working
is an amazing place to live.
935
00:58:35,271 --> 00:58:36,570
That's where I want to live.
936
00:58:36,571 --> 00:58:40,738
I want to live in a place
where women are voluntarily not working.
937
00:58:41,338 --> 00:58:44,005
That is where I want to live.
Now, let's switch it up.
938
00:58:44,938 --> 00:58:48,170
If you're in any neighborhood in America,
939
00:58:48,171 --> 00:58:51,937
at 12:15 in the afternoon on a Wednesday,
940
00:58:51,938 --> 00:58:53,438
and you see men
941
00:58:54,805 --> 00:58:56,205
in sweatpants,
942
00:58:57,338 --> 00:58:58,805
smoking cigarettes,
943
00:58:59,371 --> 00:59:01,370
hanging with their boys,
944
00:59:01,371 --> 00:59:03,871
lifting weights in the yard,
945
00:59:04,505 --> 00:59:07,271
riding children's bicycles,
946
00:59:08,271 --> 00:59:10,771
as their actual transportation,
947
00:59:11,505 --> 00:59:13,638
then you are in danger.
948
00:59:17,838 --> 00:59:22,505
Wherever men don't work
is fucking dangerous, that's right.
949
00:59:23,038 --> 00:59:26,070
That's right, that's right,
women have all the power, shit.
950
00:59:26,071 --> 00:59:28,838
My ex-wife is the smartest woman I know.
951
00:59:29,671 --> 00:59:31,705
She got just as much money as me
952
00:59:32,338 --> 00:59:34,071
ain't funny at all.
953
00:59:40,571 --> 00:59:42,404
God bless her. God bless her.
954
00:59:42,405 --> 00:59:46,670
Nothing more powerful
than female beauty. Nothing.
955
00:59:46,671 --> 00:59:48,705
Just look at Beyoncé.
956
00:59:49,938 --> 00:59:52,438
Whoo! Can't wait for that tour.
957
00:59:53,571 --> 00:59:55,970
That's right, man, Beyoncé.
Now I know she talented.
958
00:59:55,971 --> 00:59:59,638
She is so talented, man.
She's extremely talented.
959
01:00:00,171 --> 01:00:02,138
But even with all that talent
960
01:00:03,105 --> 01:00:05,538
ain't nothing more powerful
than the beauty.
961
01:00:06,505 --> 01:00:08,938
Beyoncé is one of the finest motherfuckers
962
01:00:09,571 --> 01:00:10,805
I have ever seen.
963
01:00:12,171 --> 01:00:15,637
Beyoncé is fine, motherfucker. Shit.
964
01:00:15,638 --> 01:00:17,538
Beyoncé is so fine
965
01:00:18,771 --> 01:00:21,105
that if she worked at Burger King
966
01:00:22,738 --> 01:00:24,738
she could still marry Jay-Z.
967
01:00:27,538 --> 01:00:29,004
That's how fine she is.
968
01:00:29,005 --> 01:00:30,570
She could still get her
969
01:00:30,571 --> 01:00:34,137
a billionaire, great, rapping,
fucking businessman.
970
01:00:34,138 --> 01:00:38,770
She is so fine that if she worked
at Burger King,
971
01:00:38,771 --> 01:00:40,938
she could still marry Jay-Z.
972
01:00:42,205 --> 01:00:45,570
Now if Jay-Z worked at Burger King...
973
01:00:50,305 --> 01:00:52,504
No, no, no, women got the power.
974
01:00:52,505 --> 01:00:55,438
By the way, that is not a Jay-Z diss.
975
01:00:56,038 --> 01:00:59,305
I do not need another rapper
mad at me, okay?
976
01:01:00,238 --> 01:01:01,305
I don't need it.
977
01:01:02,438 --> 01:01:04,404
I don't need that smoke.
978
01:01:04,405 --> 01:01:06,570
I'm, like, The Rock. The Rock.
979
01:01:06,571 --> 01:01:10,005
I do not need the smoke.
Y'all know what happened to me.
980
01:01:10,105 --> 01:01:12,305
Getting smacked by Suge Smith.
981
01:01:16,138 --> 01:01:18,005
Everybody knows.
982
01:01:18,105 --> 01:01:20,770
Everybody fucking knows.
983
01:01:20,771 --> 01:01:24,937
Yes! It happened.
I got smacked like a year ago,
984
01:01:24,938 --> 01:01:26,837
fucking last week, I got smacked
985
01:01:26,838 --> 01:01:29,471
at the fucking Oscars
by this motherfucker.
986
01:01:29,571 --> 01:01:31,237
And people like, "Did it hurt?"
987
01:01:31,238 --> 01:01:32,638
It still hurts.
988
01:01:34,505 --> 01:01:36,738
I got "Summertime" ringing in my ear.
989
01:01:41,971 --> 01:01:44,438
Fucking drums, please.
990
01:01:46,205 --> 01:01:47,704
But I'm not a victim, baby.
991
01:01:47,705 --> 01:01:51,538
You will never see me
on Oprah or Gayle crying.
992
01:01:53,105 --> 01:01:54,371
You will never see it.
993
01:01:55,405 --> 01:01:57,104
Never gonna happen.
994
01:01:57,105 --> 01:02:00,537
I couldn't believe it
and I love Men in Black.
995
01:02:00,538 --> 01:02:01,538
No.
996
01:02:02,271 --> 01:02:06,037
It's never gonna happen. No.
997
01:02:06,038 --> 01:02:09,337
Fuck that shit. I took that hit
like Pacquiao, motherfucker.
998
01:02:13,338 --> 01:02:18,070
I took it
like motherfucking Pacquiao, okay?
999
01:02:18,071 --> 01:02:19,804
Shit, man.
1000
01:02:19,805 --> 01:02:20,870
Did it hurt?
1001
01:02:20,871 --> 01:02:22,771
Yeah, it motherfucking hurt.
1002
01:02:22,871 --> 01:02:25,470
People are all, "You guys
are fighting all the time."
1003
01:02:25,471 --> 01:02:28,704
We're not fighting. First of all,
I know you can't tell on camera.
1004
01:02:28,705 --> 01:02:31,838
Will Smith is
significantly bigger than me.
1005
01:02:32,605 --> 01:02:35,537
We're not the same size, okay?
1006
01:02:35,538 --> 01:02:36,904
We're not.
1007
01:02:36,905 --> 01:02:39,938
This guy mostly does movies
with his shirt off.
1008
01:02:40,638 --> 01:02:43,605
You've never seen me
do a movie with my shirt off.
1009
01:02:46,038 --> 01:02:48,905
If I'm in a movie
getting open heart surgery,
1010
01:02:49,005 --> 01:02:50,505
I got on a sweater.
1011
01:02:56,405 --> 01:02:59,470
Will Smith played Muhammad Ali in a movie.
1012
01:02:59,471 --> 01:03:01,538
You think I auditioned for that part?
1013
01:03:02,805 --> 01:03:05,971
He played Muhammad Ali.
I played Pookie in New Jack City.
1014
01:03:14,671 --> 01:03:16,470
Pookie, motherfucker.
1015
01:03:16,471 --> 01:03:19,005
I played a piece of corn in Pootie Tang.
1016
01:03:20,838 --> 01:03:23,737
Shit, even in animation,
this motherfucker is bigger.
1017
01:03:23,738 --> 01:03:25,505
I am zebra. He's a shark.
1018
01:03:26,705 --> 01:03:28,137
What the fuck, man?
1019
01:03:28,138 --> 01:03:30,337
But... But,
1020
01:03:30,338 --> 01:03:36,271
Will Smith practices selective outrage.
1021
01:03:37,905 --> 01:03:42,037
Practices selective outrage.
1022
01:03:42,038 --> 01:03:44,304
'Cause everybody knows
what the fuck happened.
1023
01:03:44,305 --> 01:03:46,004
Everybody that really knows
1024
01:03:46,005 --> 01:03:48,237
knows that I had nothing to do
with that shit.
1025
01:03:48,238 --> 01:03:50,838
I didn't have any entanglement.
1026
01:03:56,138 --> 01:03:57,138
I didn't.
1027
01:03:58,205 --> 01:04:00,237
I did not have any entanglement.
1028
01:04:00,238 --> 01:04:02,605
For people that don't know
what everybody knows.
1029
01:04:02,705 --> 01:04:07,871
Will Smith, his wife was fucking
her son's friend, okay?
1030
01:04:08,605 --> 01:04:12,405
Now, I normally
would not talk about this shit.
1031
01:04:13,171 --> 01:04:16,405
But for some reason, these niggas put
that shit on the Internet.
1032
01:04:17,671 --> 01:04:23,604
I have no idea why two talented people
would do something that fucking low down.
1033
01:04:23,605 --> 01:04:24,670
What the fuck?
1034
01:04:24,671 --> 01:04:26,537
We all been cheated on.
1035
01:04:26,538 --> 01:04:28,670
Everybody in here had been cheated on.
1036
01:04:28,671 --> 01:04:31,604
None of us have ever been interviewed
1037
01:04:31,605 --> 01:04:35,205
by the person
that cheated on us on television.
1038
01:04:36,038 --> 01:04:37,138
None of us.
1039
01:04:37,805 --> 01:04:40,437
It's like, "Hey, I was sucking
somebody else's dick."
1040
01:04:40,438 --> 01:04:42,005
"How did that make you feel?"
1041
01:04:52,105 --> 01:04:55,170
Why the fuck would you do that shit?
1042
01:04:55,171 --> 01:04:58,905
She hurt him way more
than he hurt me. Okay?
1043
01:04:59,438 --> 01:05:00,570
Okay?
1044
01:05:00,571 --> 01:05:02,770
And by the way, he does that shit,
1045
01:05:02,771 --> 01:05:06,637
everybody in the world called him a bitch.
1046
01:05:06,638 --> 01:05:09,670
I tried to call the motherfucker
and give him my condolences.
1047
01:05:09,671 --> 01:05:10,870
He ain't pick up for me.
1048
01:05:10,871 --> 01:05:15,337
Everybody called that man a bitch.
1049
01:05:15,338 --> 01:05:18,604
Fucking Charlamagne called him a bitch.
1050
01:05:18,605 --> 01:05:20,904
The Breakfast Club called him a bitch.
1051
01:05:20,905 --> 01:05:26,870
And The View and The Talk
and every rapper and the Drink Champs
1052
01:05:26,871 --> 01:05:29,037
called him a fucking bitch.
1053
01:05:29,038 --> 01:05:32,937
Everybody called him a bitch
and called his wife a predator.
1054
01:05:32,938 --> 01:05:34,971
Everybody called him a bitch.
1055
01:05:38,771 --> 01:05:39,771
Everybody!
1056
01:05:40,871 --> 01:05:41,871
Everybody!
1057
01:05:42,971 --> 01:05:45,138
And who does he hit? Me.
1058
01:05:48,405 --> 01:05:52,405
A nigga he know he could beat.
That is some bitch-ass shit.
1059
01:05:59,238 --> 01:06:01,705
That's what the fuck happened, okay?
1060
01:06:02,305 --> 01:06:04,504
Get the fuck out of here, man.
1061
01:06:04,505 --> 01:06:09,804
What the fuck?
I do nothing to this motherfucker, okay?
1062
01:06:09,805 --> 01:06:13,637
Whatever. Years ago, his wife
said I should quit the Oscars.
1063
01:06:13,638 --> 01:06:14,638
I shouldn't host.
1064
01:06:15,571 --> 01:06:20,870
She fucking said, "He should quit 'cause
Will didn't get nominated for Concussion."
1065
01:06:20,871 --> 01:06:22,038
What the fuck?
1066
01:06:22,605 --> 01:06:25,570
What the fuck? So then I do
some jokes about her. Who gives a fuck?
1067
01:06:25,571 --> 01:06:28,537
That's how it is. She started it.
I finished it. Okay?
1068
01:06:28,538 --> 01:06:30,370
That's what the fuck happened.
1069
01:06:30,371 --> 01:06:32,604
Nobody was picking on this bitch.
1070
01:06:32,605 --> 01:06:34,171
She started this shit.
1071
01:06:36,471 --> 01:06:37,805
Nobody was picking on her.
1072
01:06:39,938 --> 01:06:42,637
Nobody was picking on her.
1073
01:06:42,638 --> 01:06:47,070
She said, me, a fucking grown-ass man
should quit his job
1074
01:06:47,071 --> 01:06:50,137
'cause her husband
didn't get nominated for Concussion.
1075
01:06:50,138 --> 01:06:53,238
And then this nigga gives me
a fucking concussion, okay?
1076
01:06:54,005 --> 01:06:56,070
What the fuck, man?
1077
01:06:56,071 --> 01:06:59,970
I love Will Smith.
My whole life, I love this nigga.
1078
01:06:59,971 --> 01:07:03,904
I saw him opened up for Run-DMC
at the Nassau Coliseum.
1079
01:07:03,905 --> 01:07:05,904
These niggas made brand-new funk.
1080
01:07:05,905 --> 01:07:10,104
I love this nigga.
He made some great movies.
1081
01:07:10,105 --> 01:07:13,970
I've rooted for Will Smith my whole life.
1082
01:07:13,971 --> 01:07:15,838
I root for this motherfucker, okay?
1083
01:07:15,938 --> 01:07:21,105
And now, I watch Emancipation
just to see him get whooped.
1084
01:07:24,905 --> 01:07:27,538
It got me rooting for Massa, okay?
1085
01:07:28,371 --> 01:07:30,137
Hit him again, Massa.
1086
01:07:30,138 --> 01:07:31,538
Hit him again!
1087
01:07:32,971 --> 01:07:35,105
You missed a spot, Massa.
1088
01:07:35,671 --> 01:07:37,071
You missed a spot.
1089
01:07:39,038 --> 01:07:42,304
A lot of people go, "Chris, how come
you didn't do nothing back."
1090
01:07:42,305 --> 01:07:44,805
"How come you didn't do
nothing back that night?"
1091
01:07:45,305 --> 01:07:47,737
'Cause I got parents. That's why.
1092
01:07:47,738 --> 01:07:50,805
'Cause I was raised, okay?
1093
01:07:53,305 --> 01:07:54,971
I've got parents.
1094
01:07:55,571 --> 01:07:57,770
You know what my parents taught me.
1095
01:07:57,771 --> 01:08:00,305
Don't fight in front of white people.
1096
01:08:03,305 --> 01:08:07,305
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