All language subtitles for Chris.Rock.Selective.Outrage.2023.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic Download
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian Download
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian Download
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch Download
en English Download
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian Download
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese Download
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian Download
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian Download
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish Download
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish Download
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:15,038 --> 00:00:19,038 www.titlovi.com 2 00:00:22,038 --> 00:00:23,038 Let's go! 3 00:00:40,571 --> 00:00:43,304 She said, "$300, I'll do anything you want." 4 00:00:43,305 --> 00:00:44,870 I said, "Bitch, paint my house." 5 00:00:44,871 --> 00:00:46,404 We don't need the death penalty! 6 00:00:46,405 --> 00:00:48,170 We got the tossed salad man! 7 00:00:48,171 --> 00:00:52,504 'Cause if a bullet costs $5,000, there'll be no more innocent bystanders. 8 00:00:52,505 --> 00:00:54,237 I ain't scared of Al-Qaeda. 9 00:00:54,238 --> 00:00:55,970 I'm scared of Al-Cracker. 10 00:00:55,971 --> 00:00:58,770 You cannot lend money to people you're fucking. 11 00:00:58,771 --> 00:01:01,170 'Cause they think that sex is a payback. 12 00:01:01,171 --> 00:01:04,904 We just got a few bad apples that like to crash into mountains. 13 00:01:31,638 --> 00:01:33,471 Ladies and gentlemen. 14 00:01:37,338 --> 00:01:39,338 Ladies and gentlemen. 15 00:01:41,471 --> 00:01:43,538 Chris Rock! 16 00:02:10,505 --> 00:02:12,537 What's up, Baltimore? 17 00:02:15,671 --> 00:02:17,437 Yes! 18 00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:18,570 Yes, yes. 19 00:02:18,571 --> 00:02:19,605 Thank you! 20 00:02:20,405 --> 00:02:22,138 Thank you so much! 21 00:02:23,738 --> 00:02:28,171 Thank you so much to coming to my Netflix special. 22 00:02:28,971 --> 00:02:30,605 Thank you. 23 00:02:31,638 --> 00:02:33,470 That's right. That's right! 24 00:02:33,471 --> 00:02:34,704 Okay. 25 00:02:34,705 --> 00:02:37,804 I'mma try to do a show. 26 00:02:37,805 --> 00:02:39,971 I'mma try... Nigga, sit down! 27 00:02:40,938 --> 00:02:47,338 I'mma try to do a show tonight without offending nobody, okay? 28 00:02:48,171 --> 00:02:49,771 I'mma try my best. 29 00:02:50,305 --> 00:02:53,371 You know why? 'Cause you never know who might get triggered. 30 00:02:55,505 --> 00:02:57,538 That's right. You say the wrong thing... 31 00:02:58,505 --> 00:03:00,105 motherfuckers get scared. 32 00:03:01,238 --> 00:03:02,138 You gotta watch out. 33 00:03:02,139 --> 00:03:05,938 You know what people say. They always say, uh, "words hurt." 34 00:03:06,638 --> 00:03:08,904 That's what they say. You gotta watch what you say. 35 00:03:08,905 --> 00:03:11,038 'Cause words hurt. 36 00:03:11,705 --> 00:03:14,771 You know anybody that says words hurt 37 00:03:15,505 --> 00:03:17,937 has never been punched in the face. 38 00:03:22,505 --> 00:03:23,837 Okay? 39 00:03:23,838 --> 00:03:27,438 Yeah, words hurt when you write them on a brick, okay? 40 00:03:28,805 --> 00:03:29,738 You gotta watch out. 41 00:03:29,739 --> 00:03:31,005 Everybody's scared. 42 00:03:31,605 --> 00:03:32,970 Everybody scared. 43 00:03:32,971 --> 00:03:36,571 If you a certain age and you go to work, you are fucking scared. 44 00:03:37,171 --> 00:03:39,704 In the old days, if somebody wanted your job, 45 00:03:39,705 --> 00:03:41,705 they just worked harder than you. 46 00:03:42,271 --> 00:03:44,404 Now, somebody wants your job, 47 00:03:44,405 --> 00:03:46,871 they just wait for you to say some dumb shit. 48 00:03:48,438 --> 00:03:49,670 Yeah. 49 00:03:49,671 --> 00:03:52,171 Try to get you with one of them woke traps. 50 00:03:53,171 --> 00:03:55,504 Say, "Hey, we going to a gay wedding tomorrow." 51 00:03:55,505 --> 00:03:58,005 "How do you feel about that?" Oh, ho, ho, ho! 52 00:03:58,371 --> 00:03:59,671 "It's good. It's good." 53 00:04:00,371 --> 00:04:03,404 Don't fall into the woke trap at all now. 54 00:04:03,405 --> 00:04:05,970 I have no problem with the wokeness. 55 00:04:05,971 --> 00:04:07,904 I have no problem with it at all. 56 00:04:07,905 --> 00:04:09,904 I'm all for social justice. 57 00:04:09,905 --> 00:04:14,070 I'm all for, for marginalized people getting their rights. 58 00:04:14,071 --> 00:04:19,471 The thing I have a problem with is the selective outrage. 59 00:04:20,571 --> 00:04:24,671 That's right, selective outrage. 60 00:04:25,471 --> 00:04:27,537 Everybody, you know what I'm talking about? 61 00:04:27,538 --> 00:04:29,137 One person does something, 62 00:04:29,138 --> 00:04:30,138 they get cancelled. 63 00:04:30,139 --> 00:04:32,471 Somebody else does the exact same thing... 64 00:04:33,171 --> 00:04:34,171 No. 65 00:04:35,105 --> 00:04:36,705 You know what I'm talking about. 66 00:04:37,171 --> 00:04:41,505 You know, like the kind of people that play Michael Jackson songs, 67 00:04:42,271 --> 00:04:43,838 but won't play R. Kelly. 68 00:04:50,871 --> 00:04:52,138 Same crime. 69 00:04:53,638 --> 00:04:55,971 One of them just got better songs. 70 00:04:58,505 --> 00:05:00,604 That's right. 71 00:05:00,605 --> 00:05:03,138 Well, I'll play "Startin' Somethin'," it's a party. 72 00:05:04,005 --> 00:05:06,905 I play "Bump n' Grind," now you are activists. 73 00:05:08,838 --> 00:05:11,037 So, everybody's scared. 74 00:05:11,038 --> 00:05:14,004 Everybody full of shit, you know? 75 00:05:14,005 --> 00:05:17,804 I'm in my old neighborhood the other day. I bumped into my, my good friend, Fred. 76 00:05:17,805 --> 00:05:19,138 Hadn't seen him in years. 77 00:05:19,605 --> 00:05:20,870 Hadn't seen him in years. 78 00:05:20,871 --> 00:05:24,505 Fred got a new job at AT&T, okay? 79 00:05:25,038 --> 00:05:27,204 So, I'm like, "Hey, Fred, how's the job?" 80 00:05:27,205 --> 00:05:29,871 And Fred's like, "Oh, I love the job." 81 00:05:30,305 --> 00:05:32,338 "It's a safe space." 82 00:05:32,905 --> 00:05:36,837 "I feel seen, I feel heard." 83 00:05:36,838 --> 00:05:38,638 "There's a lot of diversity." 84 00:05:39,138 --> 00:05:40,671 And I'm looking at him. I'm like... 85 00:05:41,271 --> 00:05:42,471 "Nigga, it's me." 86 00:05:45,105 --> 00:05:47,505 What, you think I'm wearing a wire or some shit? 87 00:05:48,871 --> 00:05:51,471 What the fuck you talking about, safe space? 88 00:05:51,938 --> 00:05:54,538 Nigga, you did eight years for manslaughter. 89 00:05:56,538 --> 00:05:58,305 Nobody's safe around you. 90 00:05:59,171 --> 00:06:01,504 Everybody's full of shit. 91 00:06:01,505 --> 00:06:08,338 Motherfuckers typing out woke ass tweets on a, on a phone made by child slaves. 92 00:06:09,971 --> 00:06:12,104 You need to cut it out, man. 93 00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:14,637 Not only is everybody full of shit, 94 00:06:14,638 --> 00:06:18,305 not only is everybody full of shit, every business is full of shit. 95 00:06:18,605 --> 00:06:21,038 Everybody you do business, 96 00:06:21,638 --> 00:06:24,137 they don't even tell you about the product no more. 97 00:06:24,138 --> 00:06:26,605 They just tell you how much charity they do. 98 00:06:27,471 --> 00:06:28,937 They say, "We give back." 99 00:06:28,938 --> 00:06:30,870 "We like to give back." 100 00:06:30,871 --> 00:06:32,371 "We don't even like the money." 101 00:06:34,471 --> 00:06:36,004 "We just give back." 102 00:06:36,005 --> 00:06:37,604 I'm in the mall the other day. 103 00:06:37,605 --> 00:06:38,670 I went by that store. 104 00:06:38,671 --> 00:06:40,238 What's this thing? A Lululemon. 105 00:06:41,305 --> 00:06:44,204 Lululemon, I walk by and in the window 106 00:06:44,205 --> 00:06:48,304 of every Lululemon, there's a sign that says, 107 00:06:48,305 --> 00:06:54,071 "We don't support racism, sexism, discrimination, or hate." 108 00:06:54,571 --> 00:06:56,605 And I'm like, "Who gives a fuck?" 109 00:06:58,338 --> 00:07:00,438 You're just selling yoga pants. 110 00:07:01,771 --> 00:07:04,271 I don't need your yoga pants politics. 111 00:07:05,371 --> 00:07:07,805 Tell me how you work on ball sweat. 112 00:07:11,338 --> 00:07:13,438 The fuck you talking about, man? 113 00:07:14,038 --> 00:07:16,004 And then, I'm watching the game the other night. 114 00:07:16,005 --> 00:07:19,205 There was a... There was a commercial for Subaru. 115 00:07:19,638 --> 00:07:24,105 Commercial for Subaru, and it said, uh, "For every Subaru we sell, 116 00:07:24,871 --> 00:07:29,738 we'll donate $250 to your favorite charity." 117 00:07:30,471 --> 00:07:32,071 And I'm like, "Who gives a fuck?" 118 00:07:32,638 --> 00:07:34,804 I'm like, "Subaru, you want to help me out?" 119 00:07:34,805 --> 00:07:38,905 "Why don't you just sell me the car for $250 less?" 120 00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:45,871 Shit, I'm my favorite charity. 121 00:07:46,971 --> 00:07:49,737 Shit. You know what Elon Musk does? 122 00:07:49,738 --> 00:07:54,838 Every time he sells a Tesla, he gets his dick sucked. 123 00:07:57,371 --> 00:07:59,238 That's why he looks so weird. 124 00:08:01,938 --> 00:08:04,171 'Cause his body has negative cum. 125 00:08:06,971 --> 00:08:09,304 He's the richest man on Earth. 126 00:08:09,305 --> 00:08:14,937 No one has lower cum levels than Elon Musk, okay? 127 00:08:14,938 --> 00:08:18,570 Women are sucking out the cum before it's even formed. 128 00:08:18,571 --> 00:08:23,671 There's a six-month waiting list for Elon Musk's cum. 129 00:08:23,905 --> 00:08:27,004 He's flying bitches to the moon. 130 00:08:27,005 --> 00:08:28,738 Who could compete with that shit? 131 00:08:29,571 --> 00:08:33,570 No one has less sperm than Elon Musk. 132 00:08:33,571 --> 00:08:36,738 Only Jason Momoa comes close. 133 00:08:40,971 --> 00:08:43,371 To having less spunk than Elon Musk. 134 00:08:44,338 --> 00:08:45,971 Fucking Lululemon. 135 00:08:46,971 --> 00:08:52,138 "We don't support racism, sexism, discrimination, or hate." 136 00:08:53,071 --> 00:08:55,805 They sell $100 yoga pants. 137 00:08:56,805 --> 00:08:58,838 $100 yoga pants. 138 00:08:59,305 --> 00:09:00,771 They hate somebody. 139 00:09:05,071 --> 00:09:07,071 They hate the poor. 140 00:09:09,538 --> 00:09:12,504 $100 yoga pants? 141 00:09:12,505 --> 00:09:13,505 No, no, no. Correction. 142 00:09:13,506 --> 00:09:15,371 They don't sell $100 yoga pants. 143 00:09:15,871 --> 00:09:21,205 They sell $100 non-racist yoga pants. 144 00:09:22,071 --> 00:09:25,404 I think I speak for the entire audience tonight 145 00:09:25,405 --> 00:09:28,537 when I say most people in this crowd 146 00:09:28,538 --> 00:09:34,337 would prefer a pair of $20 racist yoga pants. 147 00:09:40,605 --> 00:09:44,171 That's right. Like, yoga pants that whistled "nigga" as you walk. 148 00:09:45,238 --> 00:09:51,638 "Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga." 149 00:09:53,338 --> 00:09:55,271 "Are my pants whistling, 'Nigga'?" 150 00:09:57,438 --> 00:09:59,171 "Can't wear these to Cherry Hill." 151 00:10:02,238 --> 00:10:05,270 Yeah, we live in Baltimore tonight, baby. 152 00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:07,438 We are motherfucking live. 153 00:10:08,038 --> 00:10:09,038 Okay? 154 00:10:10,871 --> 00:10:13,005 Homework, that's right. 155 00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:16,905 Whenever I do a show, I do my homework. 156 00:10:18,371 --> 00:10:21,605 First thing I do when I get to town, I'll go, "Where should I not go?" 157 00:10:23,838 --> 00:10:26,605 And then I say, "Where can I buy coke?" 158 00:10:28,038 --> 00:10:30,138 And they're usually the same place. 159 00:10:37,105 --> 00:10:42,237 Now, America's... America's got problems right now. 160 00:10:42,238 --> 00:10:45,304 They say we're addicted to opioids. 161 00:10:45,305 --> 00:10:47,305 They say we're addicted to opioids and we are. 162 00:10:48,305 --> 00:10:52,405 I like a good opioid when I could get my hand on it. 163 00:10:52,605 --> 00:10:55,838 There's, like, no pharmacist has ever paid to come to my show. 164 00:11:02,505 --> 00:11:05,137 "I think we can get him in there, yeah." 165 00:11:05,138 --> 00:11:06,138 That's right, man. 166 00:11:06,139 --> 00:11:08,437 They say we're addicted to opioids, 167 00:11:08,438 --> 00:11:12,170 but opioids are not the biggest addiction in America. 168 00:11:12,171 --> 00:11:14,838 No. Not even close, man. 169 00:11:15,405 --> 00:11:21,071 The biggest addiction in America is attention. 170 00:11:22,471 --> 00:11:23,471 That's right. 171 00:11:23,472 --> 00:11:27,838 We are addicted to attention. 172 00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:31,071 Can't get enough attention. 173 00:11:31,738 --> 00:11:33,538 Feening for likes. 174 00:11:34,271 --> 00:11:36,470 Just feening. We used to want love. 175 00:11:36,471 --> 00:11:38,038 Now, we just want likes. 176 00:11:39,838 --> 00:11:42,371 Posting up pathetic pictures. 177 00:11:43,771 --> 00:11:46,671 "This is me eating sushi. Like me." 178 00:11:48,238 --> 00:11:52,871 "This is me, 25 years ago, when I was hot. Like me." 179 00:11:53,905 --> 00:11:56,471 Oh, it's fucking sad, man. 180 00:11:56,971 --> 00:11:58,604 Just feening for attention. 181 00:11:58,605 --> 00:12:00,938 Addicted to attention. 182 00:12:01,371 --> 00:12:02,904 And how do you get attention? 183 00:12:02,905 --> 00:12:04,938 Four easy ways to get attention. 184 00:12:05,471 --> 00:12:08,505 Number one easiest way to get attention, 185 00:12:09,205 --> 00:12:11,505 show your ass. 186 00:12:12,705 --> 00:12:13,937 Show your ass! 187 00:12:13,938 --> 00:12:16,905 You will get attention, even if you don't got ass! 188 00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:19,505 That's the world we live in. 189 00:12:20,005 --> 00:12:23,905 It's why Blac Chyna has more followers than Gayle King. 190 00:12:25,471 --> 00:12:27,605 'Cause Chyna is showing that ass. 191 00:12:28,105 --> 00:12:30,905 That's right. So number one, show your ass. 192 00:12:31,405 --> 00:12:34,538 Number two easiest way to get attention 193 00:12:35,071 --> 00:12:37,271 is to be infamous. 194 00:12:37,771 --> 00:12:41,237 Yeah. Do some fucked up shit. Shoot up a school. 195 00:12:41,238 --> 00:12:44,338 Try to stab Dave Chappelle at a show. 196 00:12:45,338 --> 00:12:48,371 That's right, infamy. You will get attention. 197 00:12:48,938 --> 00:12:52,305 Number three easiest way to get attention, 198 00:12:52,805 --> 00:12:54,638 that's right, to be excellent. 199 00:12:55,271 --> 00:12:57,037 That's right. Like Serena Williams, 200 00:12:57,038 --> 00:12:59,870 greatest tennis player to ever play the game. 201 00:13:03,171 --> 00:13:05,504 Absolutely excellent! 202 00:13:05,505 --> 00:13:09,604 Being excellent will get you attention, but it's hard being excellent. 203 00:13:09,605 --> 00:13:11,271 You gotta get up in the morning. 204 00:13:12,171 --> 00:13:14,804 You gotta work out. You gotta practice. 205 00:13:14,805 --> 00:13:18,071 It is much easier to show your ass. 206 00:13:19,705 --> 00:13:21,570 That's right. That's right. 207 00:13:21,571 --> 00:13:26,205 And the number four easiest way to get attention, number four, 208 00:13:27,538 --> 00:13:30,304 is to be a victim. 209 00:13:30,305 --> 00:13:31,837 Ooh. 210 00:13:31,838 --> 00:13:35,837 It's like "Where he going with this?" 211 00:13:35,838 --> 00:13:39,670 Don't get me wrong, there's no victim-shaming going on. 212 00:13:39,671 --> 00:13:42,937 No. No, no, no, no. There are real victims in this world. 213 00:13:42,938 --> 00:13:46,204 There are people that have gone through unspeakable trauma, 214 00:13:46,205 --> 00:13:49,204 and they need your love, your support, and they need your care. 215 00:13:49,205 --> 00:13:53,838 But if everybody claims to be a victim 216 00:13:54,338 --> 00:13:56,370 when the real victims need help, 217 00:13:56,371 --> 00:13:59,270 ain't nobody gonna be there to help them, okay? 218 00:13:59,271 --> 00:14:01,670 And right now, we live in a world 219 00:14:01,671 --> 00:14:06,138 where the emergency room is filled up with motherfuckers with paper cuts. 220 00:14:08,471 --> 00:14:09,471 Okay? 221 00:14:09,472 --> 00:14:12,638 That's right. 222 00:14:13,705 --> 00:14:16,170 Everybody's trying to be a victim. 223 00:14:16,171 --> 00:14:20,437 People that know good and goddamn well they ain't victims. 224 00:14:20,438 --> 00:14:23,071 Like white men. 225 00:14:25,538 --> 00:14:28,204 When did white men become victims? 226 00:14:28,205 --> 00:14:31,638 White men actually think they're losing the country. 227 00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:33,538 To who? 228 00:14:35,171 --> 00:14:36,405 It ain't us. 229 00:14:37,371 --> 00:14:40,338 When's the last time you got on a Black cruise ship? 230 00:14:41,405 --> 00:14:43,437 Or flew on a Black airline? 231 00:14:43,438 --> 00:14:46,171 Get the fuck out of here. We don't got no money! 232 00:14:47,005 --> 00:14:50,238 We got some vodkas and a couple of record companies. 233 00:14:51,938 --> 00:14:56,070 White men actually think they're losing the country! 234 00:14:56,071 --> 00:14:58,704 Can you believe... Did you see the Capitol riots? 235 00:14:58,705 --> 00:15:03,970 White men trying to overthrow the government that they run! 236 00:15:12,905 --> 00:15:14,104 The fuck? 237 00:15:14,105 --> 00:15:16,204 They're like, "We gotta get them out of office." 238 00:15:16,205 --> 00:15:17,338 Who? "Us." 239 00:15:20,905 --> 00:15:23,170 Did you see the Capitol riots? 240 00:15:23,171 --> 00:15:27,605 Like, what kind of white Planet of the Apes shit was that? 241 00:15:30,138 --> 00:15:33,170 These motherfuckers are climbing up walls 242 00:15:33,171 --> 00:15:37,038 and taking a shit on Pelosi's desk. 243 00:15:40,271 --> 00:15:41,837 What the fuck? 244 00:15:41,838 --> 00:15:45,570 What would make white men think they're losing the country? What? 245 00:15:45,571 --> 00:15:46,471 What? What? 246 00:15:46,472 --> 00:15:50,005 What, 'cause there's no more white couples in commercials? 247 00:15:52,138 --> 00:15:53,971 There's no Black couples either. 248 00:15:54,471 --> 00:15:59,937 Every commercial has a mixed race couple. Everything! 249 00:15:59,938 --> 00:16:02,504 Shit, I saw a commercial the other day, 250 00:16:02,505 --> 00:16:06,571 saw a Japanese woman married to a caterpillar. 251 00:16:10,638 --> 00:16:12,438 Their kids were squirrels! 252 00:16:16,438 --> 00:16:18,305 By the way, speaking of commercials, 253 00:16:19,638 --> 00:16:22,604 when did Snoop Dogg become Morgan Freeman? 254 00:16:27,938 --> 00:16:29,905 This nigga's selling everything. 255 00:16:31,038 --> 00:16:33,805 Beer, wine, tampons... 256 00:16:35,005 --> 00:16:40,338 I saw a commercial the other day, Snoop was selling reverse mortgages. 257 00:16:42,971 --> 00:16:44,605 Called them, "Dogg-ages." 258 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,938 What the fuck's a "Dogg-age"? 259 00:16:49,205 --> 00:16:52,637 I love Snoop. I love Snoop Okay, so just... 260 00:16:52,638 --> 00:16:54,304 I'm not dissing Snoop, all right? 261 00:16:54,305 --> 00:16:57,237 Last thing I need is another mad rapper, right? 262 00:17:00,671 --> 00:17:01,838 Nope. Nope, nope. 263 00:17:03,171 --> 00:17:04,338 No, no, no. 264 00:17:05,805 --> 00:17:07,105 No, no, no, no, no. 265 00:17:07,771 --> 00:17:12,704 Back to the show. Everybody is trying to be a victim. 266 00:17:12,705 --> 00:17:15,371 Like, what's this girl Meghan Markle? 267 00:17:16,304 --> 00:17:19,705 Seemed like a nice lady. 268 00:17:21,005 --> 00:17:24,671 Just complaining. I was like, "Didn't she hit the light-skinned lottery?" 269 00:17:26,738 --> 00:17:32,137 Hit the fucking light-skinned lottery, and still going on complaining. 270 00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:35,137 Acting all dumb, like she don't know nothing. 271 00:17:35,138 --> 00:17:37,637 Going on Oprah, "I didn't know. 272 00:17:37,638 --> 00:17:40,337 I had no idea how racist they were." 273 00:17:40,338 --> 00:17:42,105 It's the royal family. 274 00:17:43,405 --> 00:17:45,705 You didn't google these motherfuckers? 275 00:17:47,505 --> 00:17:52,237 What the fuck is she talking about, "she didn't know"? 276 00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:55,370 The fuck? It's the royal family! 277 00:17:55,371 --> 00:17:57,838 They're the original racists! 278 00:17:59,171 --> 00:18:01,671 They invented colonialism! 279 00:18:02,671 --> 00:18:05,238 They're the OGs of racism. 280 00:18:05,738 --> 00:18:08,238 They're the Sugarhill Gang of racism. 281 00:18:12,338 --> 00:18:14,104 Like, "The hip-hop, the hippie, 282 00:18:14,105 --> 00:18:17,905 the hippie-dippie hip hip-hop and you don't stop" of racism. 283 00:18:19,605 --> 00:18:23,438 The fuck is she talking about, "I didn't know"? 284 00:18:24,005 --> 00:18:27,304 That's like marrying into the Budweiser family 285 00:18:27,305 --> 00:18:29,638 and going, "They drink a lot!" 286 00:18:32,405 --> 00:18:34,704 The fuck is she talking about? 287 00:18:34,705 --> 00:18:38,638 These motherfuckers invested in slavery like it was Shark Tank. 288 00:18:41,938 --> 00:18:45,537 The fuck? She said, "They're so racist. They're so racist." 289 00:18:45,538 --> 00:18:48,638 Some of that shit she went through was not racism! 290 00:18:49,538 --> 00:18:52,038 It was just some in-law shit. 291 00:18:54,205 --> 00:18:56,338 And sometimes it's just some in-law shit! 292 00:18:56,838 --> 00:18:59,937 'Cause she's complaining, and I'm like, "What the fuck is she talking about?" 293 00:18:59,938 --> 00:19:02,205 "Oprah, they're so racist!" 294 00:19:02,305 --> 00:19:06,870 "They wanted to know how brown the baby was gonna be." 295 00:19:06,871 --> 00:19:11,004 "They're so racist. They wanted to know how brown the baby's gonna be." 296 00:19:11,005 --> 00:19:13,238 I'm like, "That's not racist!" 297 00:19:14,638 --> 00:19:17,771 'Cause even Black people wanna know... 298 00:19:23,738 --> 00:19:29,105 how brown the baby gonna be! Shit, we check behind them ears. 299 00:19:34,305 --> 00:19:37,637 That's a scientific test. 300 00:19:37,638 --> 00:19:41,038 'Cause you gotta see what kind of Black child you're gonna get. 301 00:19:41,705 --> 00:19:43,938 Is this a Steph Curry baby? 302 00:19:45,171 --> 00:19:47,371 Or a Draymond Green baby? 303 00:19:52,238 --> 00:19:55,105 That Draymond baby gonna have a hard life. 304 00:19:57,271 --> 00:20:00,605 Draymond Black, baby. That nigga dark. 305 00:20:01,205 --> 00:20:02,871 He's "sneak-up-on-you" Black. 306 00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:06,771 Where you at, Draymond? "Right here." Hey! 307 00:20:08,138 --> 00:20:09,138 Hey! 308 00:20:09,771 --> 00:20:11,838 Put a bell on, nigga! Put a bell! 309 00:20:18,205 --> 00:20:21,370 I know what she going through. I know what Meghan Markle's going through. 310 00:20:21,371 --> 00:20:23,038 I-I know her dilemma. 311 00:20:24,038 --> 00:20:29,705 Black girl trying to be accepted by her white in-laws. Oh, it's hard. 312 00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:35,204 Black girl trying to be accepted by her white in-laws. It's so hard. 313 00:20:35,205 --> 00:20:36,338 It's very hard! 314 00:20:36,871 --> 00:20:38,637 But it ain't as hard 315 00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:43,438 as a white girl trying to be accepted by her Black in-laws. 316 00:20:45,638 --> 00:20:47,838 Now, that shit is really hard. 317 00:20:48,438 --> 00:20:51,505 Shit, you bring a white girl home for Thanksgiving, 318 00:20:52,138 --> 00:20:53,905 your momma gonna say something. 319 00:20:56,005 --> 00:21:00,238 Your momma's like, "Why is there a social worker at the table?" 320 00:21:07,271 --> 00:21:09,038 Like, "Momma, that's Jackie!" 321 00:21:10,271 --> 00:21:12,205 "We've been married nine years!" 322 00:21:13,971 --> 00:21:17,937 "You got three grandchildren! Stop being so mean!" 323 00:21:17,938 --> 00:21:22,238 "You know I'm playing, right, Jackie? Just give me time." 324 00:21:23,138 --> 00:21:24,405 Nah, nah, nah. 325 00:21:24,905 --> 00:21:27,971 Meghan Markle, I know the dilemma. 326 00:21:28,605 --> 00:21:31,805 Black girl trying to be accepted by her white in-laws. 327 00:21:32,405 --> 00:21:37,037 Black girl trying to be accepted by her white in-laws. 328 00:21:37,038 --> 00:21:39,338 I'm like, "Hey! If you're Black, 329 00:21:39,871 --> 00:21:43,205 and you wanna be accepted by your white in-laws, 330 00:21:44,505 --> 00:21:48,271 then you need to marry a Kardashian." 331 00:21:51,505 --> 00:21:53,371 'Cause they accept everybody. 332 00:21:54,905 --> 00:21:58,471 So, like, Kris Jenner is like the Statue of Liberty. 333 00:22:00,105 --> 00:22:04,337 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses..." 334 00:22:04,338 --> 00:22:06,571 Kris Jenner lets everybody in. 335 00:22:07,071 --> 00:22:09,605 That's right. She's like a Black grandma. 336 00:22:10,105 --> 00:22:13,070 She just wants to fix you up a plate, that Kris Jenner. 337 00:22:13,071 --> 00:22:15,737 She don't give a fuck. She lets everybody in. 338 00:22:15,738 --> 00:22:19,305 She's like, "Bipolar rapper? Bring your ass in here." 339 00:22:20,771 --> 00:22:23,871 "Come in here, you genius, bipolar motherfucker." 340 00:22:25,471 --> 00:22:28,471 "Crackhead basketball player? Bring your ass here." 341 00:22:31,238 --> 00:22:34,371 "Let me fix you up a plate, you old crackhead." 342 00:22:35,171 --> 00:22:38,071 "Daddy got titties? Bring your ass here." 343 00:22:41,638 --> 00:22:43,171 "Help me with these plates." 344 00:22:44,071 --> 00:22:47,238 The Kardashians are inclusive! 345 00:22:48,405 --> 00:22:52,605 And they love Black people more than Black people love Black people. 346 00:22:54,271 --> 00:22:56,938 Shit, the father freed O.J. 347 00:23:04,171 --> 00:23:07,105 Oh, you forgot that little nugget of Black history? 348 00:23:08,438 --> 00:23:11,638 He was a, he was a valuable member of the Dream Team. 349 00:23:12,138 --> 00:23:15,805 That's right. He wasn't Johnnie Cochran. He was the Klay Thompson of that team. 350 00:23:16,771 --> 00:23:18,604 That's right. That's right. 351 00:23:18,605 --> 00:23:23,071 Robert Kardashian helped to free O.J. Simpson, 352 00:23:23,571 --> 00:23:27,338 a Black, football playing murderer! 353 00:23:28,738 --> 00:23:34,805 Whoo! O.J. Simpson killed two white people and got away with it. 354 00:23:35,571 --> 00:23:37,971 That's another kind of Black excellence. 355 00:23:44,238 --> 00:23:46,271 That's way before Wakanda. 356 00:23:47,871 --> 00:23:49,505 Ah, ha, ha! 357 00:23:50,205 --> 00:23:54,771 Yes. Robert Kardashian helped to free O.J. Simpson. 358 00:23:55,905 --> 00:23:58,038 That's right. And from that day on, 359 00:23:58,538 --> 00:24:00,904 from the day that he helped to free O.J. Simpson, 360 00:24:00,905 --> 00:24:03,638 from the time O.J. Simpson left that court... 361 00:24:04,271 --> 00:24:07,838 From that day on, Robert Kardashian was cursed. 362 00:24:08,805 --> 00:24:09,805 That's right. 363 00:24:10,638 --> 00:24:12,837 The judge said, "Not guilty." 364 00:24:12,838 --> 00:24:16,105 O.J. left the court, got in his Bronco, drove away. 365 00:24:17,805 --> 00:24:20,871 And soon as O.J. drove away, 366 00:24:21,605 --> 00:24:22,871 God appeared. 367 00:24:24,271 --> 00:24:27,504 And God walked up to Robert Kardashian 368 00:24:27,505 --> 00:24:29,071 and God said, 369 00:24:30,438 --> 00:24:32,038 "Robert Kardashian!" 370 00:24:33,305 --> 00:24:38,470 "For the sin of helping to free O.J. Simpson, 371 00:24:38,471 --> 00:24:41,605 a Black, football-playing murderer, 372 00:24:42,571 --> 00:24:45,270 from this day forth, 373 00:24:45,271 --> 00:24:47,904 for the rest of eternity, 374 00:24:47,905 --> 00:24:49,870 till the end of time, 375 00:24:49,871 --> 00:24:52,537 your daughters will fuck nothing but niggas!" 376 00:25:06,171 --> 00:25:08,237 "And not just any niggas, 377 00:25:08,238 --> 00:25:09,771 crazy niggas." 378 00:25:13,938 --> 00:25:15,938 "The craziest niggas to ever live." 379 00:25:19,905 --> 00:25:21,371 Yeah, we going in tonight. 380 00:25:23,205 --> 00:25:26,138 You can't tell none of these jokes at work, motherfucker. 381 00:25:26,938 --> 00:25:27,938 No! 382 00:25:28,738 --> 00:25:30,837 I love the Kardashians. I love the Kardashians. 383 00:25:30,838 --> 00:25:33,238 They're a very tight-knit family. 384 00:25:34,238 --> 00:25:36,570 I... You know what I love about the Kardashians? 385 00:25:36,571 --> 00:25:39,005 I love how quickly 386 00:25:39,671 --> 00:25:41,905 they accepted Caitlyn. 387 00:25:42,905 --> 00:25:45,738 I thought that was beautiful. I thought it was beautiful. 388 00:25:46,471 --> 00:25:49,971 That's right. "No muss, no fuss, she's with us." 389 00:25:51,838 --> 00:25:54,737 I thought it was beautiful. I would love to believe 390 00:25:54,738 --> 00:25:56,538 that if my father became a woman, 391 00:25:58,071 --> 00:26:00,038 that we would accept the situation 392 00:26:01,138 --> 00:26:03,271 as fast as the Kardashians. 393 00:26:04,305 --> 00:26:06,871 And I'm sure we would. I'm sure we would. 394 00:26:08,538 --> 00:26:10,238 It wouldn't be the first season. 395 00:26:13,771 --> 00:26:16,171 You know, we need a few episodes 396 00:26:17,238 --> 00:26:19,404 to make this shit happen... No, no, no. No, no. 397 00:26:19,405 --> 00:26:22,371 Honestly, here's the deal. If my father became a woman, 398 00:26:23,638 --> 00:26:26,771 I would accept it right away. I would accept it right away. 399 00:26:27,205 --> 00:26:29,170 You know why? 'Cause I'm an artist. 400 00:26:29,171 --> 00:26:32,004 And I've worked with all sorts, got nothing against anybody. 401 00:26:32,005 --> 00:26:34,170 Trans, I'm sure there's trans people here. 402 00:26:34,171 --> 00:26:36,404 I got no beef with anybody. 403 00:26:36,405 --> 00:26:38,971 I'm gonna accept everyone, right? 404 00:26:40,138 --> 00:26:42,405 That's right. If my father became a woman, I'd accept it. 405 00:26:42,505 --> 00:26:44,838 I mean, to be perfectly honest... 406 00:26:45,971 --> 00:26:47,737 To be perfectly honest, 407 00:26:47,738 --> 00:26:50,337 in some situations 408 00:26:50,338 --> 00:26:54,205 I actually prefer trans women 409 00:26:55,338 --> 00:26:56,705 to original recipe. 410 00:27:00,105 --> 00:27:01,970 Like, when you're watching a game 411 00:27:01,971 --> 00:27:03,605 they could read defenses. 412 00:27:06,271 --> 00:27:08,938 "That's a Cover 2." "Ooh, thanks, Peaches." 413 00:27:18,471 --> 00:27:20,870 No! 414 00:27:20,871 --> 00:27:24,338 No, no, no. Again, if my father became a woman, 415 00:27:24,838 --> 00:27:26,371 I would accept it 416 00:27:27,105 --> 00:27:30,138 'cause I'm an artist and I would accept it immediately. 417 00:27:30,638 --> 00:27:34,338 Now, my brothers drive trucks. 418 00:27:35,738 --> 00:27:38,838 So, their reaction might be a little different than mine. 419 00:27:39,538 --> 00:27:42,338 Especially my older brother, Andre. 420 00:27:42,838 --> 00:27:46,204 He, you know, drives an 18-wheeler, is a Raiders fan. 421 00:27:46,205 --> 00:27:48,405 He's one of them "argh" niggas, you know? 422 00:27:49,071 --> 00:27:52,437 If my father became a woman, Andre would have a problem with it. 423 00:27:52,438 --> 00:27:54,870 That would be a very testy Christmas 424 00:27:54,871 --> 00:27:56,504 to say the least. 425 00:27:56,505 --> 00:27:59,538 My brother Andre would be like, "Man, fuck that shit, man!" 426 00:28:00,038 --> 00:28:01,771 "The fuck, you got the heels on?" 427 00:28:02,571 --> 00:28:06,070 "The fuck you doing? You don't gotta wear a motherfucking heel." 428 00:28:06,071 --> 00:28:08,670 "Why the wig? What that got to do with nothin'?" 429 00:28:08,671 --> 00:28:10,704 "What the hair got to do with nothin'?" 430 00:28:10,705 --> 00:28:12,604 "Nah, I ain't shaking your hand." 431 00:28:12,605 --> 00:28:15,504 "I don't want none of that trans to rub off on me." 432 00:28:15,505 --> 00:28:18,070 "My kids here, nigga, my kids!" 433 00:28:18,071 --> 00:28:23,137 And then, I would have to step in and be the voice of reason. 434 00:28:23,138 --> 00:28:25,370 I would have to check my brother. 435 00:28:25,371 --> 00:28:28,104 I would have to walk up to him going, "Hey! Hey!" 436 00:28:28,105 --> 00:28:29,438 "Hey, nigga!" 437 00:28:30,038 --> 00:28:32,438 "She's your daddy!" 438 00:28:43,605 --> 00:28:46,770 We gotta love everybody, man. We gotta love all. 439 00:28:46,771 --> 00:28:50,204 America, America's in bad shape right now, man. 440 00:28:50,205 --> 00:28:53,771 America's in horrible shape. We got it worse than Ukraine. 441 00:28:54,638 --> 00:28:55,638 Yeah, I said it. 442 00:28:57,038 --> 00:29:00,570 You know why? 'Cause Ukraine is united 443 00:29:00,571 --> 00:29:03,905 and America is clearly divided. 444 00:29:04,638 --> 00:29:07,538 Okay? We are clearly divided. 445 00:29:09,138 --> 00:29:13,837 Our shit is so screwed up right now, if the Russians came here right now, 446 00:29:13,838 --> 00:29:15,970 half the country would go, 447 00:29:15,971 --> 00:29:17,105 "Let's hear 'em out." 448 00:29:20,305 --> 00:29:22,237 We in a bad place, man. 449 00:29:22,238 --> 00:29:24,038 Republicans lie. 450 00:29:24,671 --> 00:29:26,238 Republicans lie. 451 00:29:26,905 --> 00:29:30,504 Biggest liars in the world. Republicans lie, 452 00:29:30,505 --> 00:29:34,470 and Democrats leave out key pieces of the truth... 453 00:29:37,838 --> 00:29:41,437 that would lead to a more nuanced argument. 454 00:29:41,438 --> 00:29:43,570 The whole country is fucked up. 455 00:29:43,571 --> 00:29:45,805 School shootings every week. 456 00:29:46,305 --> 00:29:48,170 Fucking opioid epidemic. 457 00:29:48,171 --> 00:29:52,771 Abortion is illegal in most of the country. 458 00:29:53,605 --> 00:29:55,805 In most of the country, abortion's illegal. 459 00:29:56,705 --> 00:30:00,037 A lot of people say, "Chris, you shouldn't talk about abortion." 460 00:30:00,038 --> 00:30:01,438 "It's a women's issue." 461 00:30:02,238 --> 00:30:05,438 Say, "Chris! You shouldn't talk about abortion." 462 00:30:05,938 --> 00:30:07,471 "It's a women's issue." 463 00:30:07,971 --> 00:30:09,038 And I'm like, "Hey." 464 00:30:09,538 --> 00:30:13,471 "I've paid for more abortions than any woman in this room." 465 00:30:19,638 --> 00:30:21,704 Shit, when I go to the clinic, I say, 466 00:30:21,705 --> 00:30:22,871 "Gimme the usual." 467 00:30:27,838 --> 00:30:31,605 When I go in there, they give me a punch card. "Here you go." 468 00:30:32,505 --> 00:30:34,705 Two more and I get a free smoothie. 469 00:30:37,171 --> 00:30:38,405 "Mango." 470 00:30:39,838 --> 00:30:41,838 That's right, pro-life, pro-choice. 471 00:30:42,605 --> 00:30:45,105 Pro-life, pro-choice, what are you, what are you? 472 00:30:45,605 --> 00:30:49,571 I have two beautiful daughters. I have two beautiful daughters, right? 473 00:30:50,805 --> 00:30:51,805 And... 474 00:30:53,638 --> 00:30:55,571 So, there's a part of me... 475 00:30:56,071 --> 00:30:57,338 There's a part of me 476 00:30:58,471 --> 00:31:01,404 that's pro-life, okay? 477 00:31:01,405 --> 00:31:04,405 'Cause I'm definitely pro their lives. 478 00:31:05,871 --> 00:31:08,671 Okay? So, there's a part of me that's pro-life. 479 00:31:09,171 --> 00:31:11,704 But since I love my daughters unconditionally... 480 00:31:11,705 --> 00:31:15,371 I love them not just as little girls, I love them as grown women. 481 00:31:15,871 --> 00:31:18,404 I want my daughters to live in a world 482 00:31:18,405 --> 00:31:22,405 where they have complete control of their bodies, okay? 483 00:31:22,505 --> 00:31:24,405 Okay? 484 00:31:27,138 --> 00:31:28,338 And because of that, 485 00:31:29,371 --> 00:31:31,370 I am pro-choice. 486 00:31:31,371 --> 00:31:35,537 I am absolutely pro-choice, okay? 487 00:31:35,538 --> 00:31:39,904 I believe women should have the right to kill babies. 488 00:31:45,405 --> 00:31:47,205 That's right. I'm on your side. 489 00:31:48,505 --> 00:31:53,505 I believe you should have the right to kill as many babies as you want. 490 00:31:54,471 --> 00:31:56,538 Kill 'em all, I don't give a fuck. 491 00:31:57,838 --> 00:32:00,805 But let's not get it twisted, it is killing a baby. 492 00:32:01,571 --> 00:32:04,304 'Cause whenever I pay for an abortion, 493 00:32:04,305 --> 00:32:06,105 I request a dead baby. 494 00:32:07,305 --> 00:32:10,370 Sometimes, I call up the doctor like a hit man. 495 00:32:10,371 --> 00:32:11,371 "Is it done?" 496 00:32:15,405 --> 00:32:19,037 And people argue first trimester, second trimester. 497 00:32:19,038 --> 00:32:21,137 First trimester, second trimester. 498 00:32:21,138 --> 00:32:27,771 I think women should have the right to kill a baby until it's four years old. 499 00:32:35,738 --> 00:32:39,071 That's right, fuck trimester. Semester. 500 00:32:43,238 --> 00:32:48,138 I think you should be able to kill a baby till you get that first report card. 501 00:32:49,505 --> 00:32:52,705 "He ain't never getting a scholarship." 502 00:32:54,538 --> 00:32:57,471 "Okay, you can finish watching Stranger Things, 503 00:32:58,971 --> 00:33:01,171 but when it's over, we going to the clinic." 504 00:33:02,838 --> 00:33:05,238 "Hurry up, I'm trying to get a smoothie." 505 00:33:12,438 --> 00:33:16,170 That's right. Pro-life, pro-choice. I'm pro-choice. I'm pro-choice. 506 00:33:16,171 --> 00:33:20,071 I'm pro right choice. I'm pro good choice. I'm pro practical choice. 507 00:33:20,705 --> 00:33:21,705 Like, ladies... 508 00:33:22,738 --> 00:33:23,805 Ladies, listen to me. 509 00:33:25,905 --> 00:33:29,305 If you have to pay 510 00:33:30,171 --> 00:33:32,871 for your own abortion, 511 00:33:34,305 --> 00:33:35,738 you should get an abortion. 512 00:33:45,571 --> 00:33:49,138 Stop letting broke dicks cum inside of you. 513 00:33:55,005 --> 00:33:57,371 This has been a public service announcement. 514 00:34:00,505 --> 00:34:01,805 I'm on your side! 515 00:34:02,305 --> 00:34:03,671 I'm on your side. 516 00:34:04,171 --> 00:34:08,738 Everybody cares about abortion, trying to save these bad-ass kids. 517 00:34:10,371 --> 00:34:13,737 You know, whenever some kid goes crazy at a school, 518 00:34:13,738 --> 00:34:17,505 they always say, "No child... No child is born is racist." 519 00:34:18,005 --> 00:34:19,871 "No child is born hating." 520 00:34:20,371 --> 00:34:23,838 "You have to teach a child to hate. All children are good." 521 00:34:24,605 --> 00:34:26,505 "All children are born pure." 522 00:34:27,005 --> 00:34:30,338 You know, only people without kids say dumb shit like that. 523 00:34:31,771 --> 00:34:36,237 Kids are the meanest motherfuckers on the face of the earth. 524 00:34:36,238 --> 00:34:40,737 They're the most racist, sexist, homophobic, fat-a-phobic, 525 00:34:40,738 --> 00:34:46,038 will-say-anything-to-your-face motherfuckers on Earth, okay? 526 00:34:49,371 --> 00:34:54,838 You realize human beings, we have the worst offspring of any animal. 527 00:34:55,671 --> 00:34:58,870 We're the only animal in the whole animal kingdom 528 00:34:58,871 --> 00:35:03,605 that has to raise its kids for 18 years. 529 00:35:04,838 --> 00:35:09,138 Eighteen years. Every other animal's like two or three days. 530 00:35:12,071 --> 00:35:13,537 Like, birds are like, 531 00:35:13,538 --> 00:35:15,005 "I hope you can fly." 532 00:35:19,405 --> 00:35:23,137 Eighteen years! And they still bad! 533 00:35:23,138 --> 00:35:24,971 And they still fuck up. 534 00:35:25,871 --> 00:35:28,970 "No, kids are born good." Shut the fuck up, man. 535 00:35:28,971 --> 00:35:32,605 My oldest daughter, Lola, used to bite kids. 536 00:35:33,671 --> 00:35:34,671 Bite 'em. 537 00:35:35,171 --> 00:35:37,104 That's right. You'd be at a birthday party. 538 00:35:37,105 --> 00:35:39,138 "Happy birthday to..." 539 00:35:43,038 --> 00:35:45,471 You look around, Lola done bit somebody. 540 00:35:46,271 --> 00:35:49,370 Now, let me ask you something. Do you think me and her mother 541 00:35:49,371 --> 00:35:50,805 taught her to bite? 542 00:35:52,305 --> 00:35:54,905 Do you think me and her mother sharpened her teeth? 543 00:35:56,805 --> 00:35:59,505 Do you think we bought her mannequins to practice on? 544 00:36:00,238 --> 00:36:02,405 No, that's just who the fuck she is. 545 00:36:03,738 --> 00:36:05,770 That's just her nature. 546 00:36:05,771 --> 00:36:08,238 She came out the womb like Wolverine. 547 00:36:09,971 --> 00:36:12,938 I love my kids. I love my kids, but I don't like them. 548 00:36:14,271 --> 00:36:15,404 I don't like my kids. 549 00:36:15,405 --> 00:36:18,738 You know one reason I don't like my kids? 'Cause my kids are rich. 550 00:36:19,205 --> 00:36:21,470 My kids are rich and spoiled. 551 00:36:21,471 --> 00:36:23,604 I know some people are like, "Chris, you're rich." 552 00:36:23,605 --> 00:36:25,037 Yeah, I'm rich. 553 00:36:25,038 --> 00:36:27,505 But I identify as poor. 554 00:36:31,705 --> 00:36:32,838 Whoo! 555 00:36:33,938 --> 00:36:36,838 That's right, my pronoun is broke. 556 00:36:39,005 --> 00:36:40,370 That's right, man. 557 00:36:40,371 --> 00:36:41,904 And my kids are spoiled. 558 00:36:41,905 --> 00:36:45,404 My kids are fucking spoiled and I did it. 559 00:36:45,405 --> 00:36:48,137 Me and their mother, but I fucking did it. 560 00:36:48,138 --> 00:36:50,837 A lot, a lot of Black people get a little money, and they're like, 561 00:36:50,838 --> 00:36:53,605 "I want my kids to know how it is in the hood." Not me. 562 00:36:54,905 --> 00:36:56,604 I want the exact opposite. 563 00:36:56,605 --> 00:36:59,604 I want my kids to know shit about the hood. 564 00:36:59,605 --> 00:37:03,270 I want them to be lost every time they're in a hood, okay? 565 00:37:03,271 --> 00:37:08,070 My kids went to the best schools on Earth, okay? 566 00:37:08,071 --> 00:37:12,071 My kids speak multiple languages, okay? 567 00:37:12,605 --> 00:37:16,071 Sometimes they curse me out, I don't even know what they talkin' about. 568 00:37:16,771 --> 00:37:21,771 My kids ski, they ride horses, they fence. 569 00:37:22,838 --> 00:37:24,871 I've got fencing Black girls, 570 00:37:26,771 --> 00:37:28,405 with afro puffs, 571 00:37:29,171 --> 00:37:31,271 talking about, "Touché, nigga." 572 00:37:33,705 --> 00:37:36,570 That's right. You can't fuck with the Rock girls, boy. 573 00:37:36,571 --> 00:37:38,571 Them Rock girls are fucking spoiled. 574 00:37:39,271 --> 00:37:41,070 I remember my youngest, Zahra, 575 00:37:41,071 --> 00:37:43,905 when she was in kindergarten, one day, the teacher said, 576 00:37:44,505 --> 00:37:47,937 "Today, we're gonna learn about the four seasons." 577 00:37:47,938 --> 00:37:51,071 And Zahra said, "That's my favorite hotel." 578 00:37:56,205 --> 00:37:58,805 Yeah, you ain't never seen Black girls like this. 579 00:37:59,538 --> 00:38:02,470 My kids are fucking spoiled. 580 00:38:02,471 --> 00:38:04,437 That's right. And I did it, man. 581 00:38:04,438 --> 00:38:07,037 When they were little kids, I used to take them to Disney a lot. 582 00:38:07,038 --> 00:38:09,337 Used to take them to Disney all the time, right? 583 00:38:09,338 --> 00:38:12,304 But I ain't take them like normal people, no. 584 00:38:12,305 --> 00:38:15,205 That's right. We went on the Illuminati package. 585 00:38:17,371 --> 00:38:19,804 We weren't out there waiting to meet the characters, 586 00:38:19,805 --> 00:38:21,070 like everybody else. 587 00:38:21,071 --> 00:38:23,838 We were backstage chilling with the characters. 588 00:38:24,571 --> 00:38:26,905 That's right. I smoked a joint with Goofy. 589 00:38:29,838 --> 00:38:32,438 Fucking Minnie gave me a lap dance. 590 00:38:33,638 --> 00:38:35,671 Rubbed that big rat ass on me. 591 00:38:39,105 --> 00:38:41,137 Ha, ha, ha, ha! 592 00:38:41,138 --> 00:38:42,170 That's right, man. 593 00:38:42,171 --> 00:38:44,837 My kids had it good. Had it much better than me. 594 00:38:44,838 --> 00:38:48,137 'Cause when I was a kid, we went to Disney. 595 00:38:48,138 --> 00:38:50,470 That's right. Me, my mother, and my brothers, 596 00:38:50,471 --> 00:38:53,005 we went to Disney as poor people. 597 00:38:54,071 --> 00:38:55,571 On a church trip. 598 00:38:57,571 --> 00:38:59,671 Sad already, ain't it? 599 00:39:00,871 --> 00:39:03,371 On a church trip. 600 00:39:04,238 --> 00:39:09,105 New York to Orlando, in August, 601 00:39:09,605 --> 00:39:13,438 on a bus with no AC. 602 00:39:14,438 --> 00:39:17,605 It was so hot, I thought we were going to see the Devil. 603 00:39:19,938 --> 00:39:22,404 Took us two days to get there, 604 00:39:22,405 --> 00:39:25,205 'cause the driver was selling weed on the way. 605 00:39:27,338 --> 00:39:30,604 And when we finally got there, we weren't really there, 606 00:39:30,605 --> 00:39:35,438 'cause Disney's in Orlando, and our hotel was in Alabama. 607 00:39:41,005 --> 00:39:44,270 And we're staying in some nasty motel. 608 00:39:44,271 --> 00:39:48,004 It had a bed that vibrates if you put a quarter in it. 609 00:39:48,005 --> 00:39:52,005 We're little kids. We don't know this is a nasty, cummed-up mattress. 610 00:39:54,371 --> 00:39:57,771 And we're begging my mother, "Mommy, can you put another quarter in?" 611 00:39:59,305 --> 00:40:03,838 And my mother's like, "I'm gonna put a quarter in, but this counts as a ride." 612 00:40:05,005 --> 00:40:06,938 God damn. 613 00:40:07,771 --> 00:40:09,704 Best time of my life. 614 00:40:09,705 --> 00:40:12,871 Now, my kids, my kids, yes, they're spoiled. 615 00:40:13,838 --> 00:40:14,805 Yes, they are spoiled, 616 00:40:14,806 --> 00:40:17,537 but they get in trouble just like any other kids. 617 00:40:17,538 --> 00:40:18,937 So about three years ago, 618 00:40:18,938 --> 00:40:22,904 my oldest, Lola, was a senior in high school, right? 619 00:40:22,905 --> 00:40:26,737 And they went on a class trip. It was time for a class trip. 620 00:40:26,738 --> 00:40:29,405 Now, a fancy school has a fancy trip. 621 00:40:30,171 --> 00:40:33,605 So their class trip was to Portugal. 622 00:40:35,238 --> 00:40:37,604 Ain't that some shit? Portugal. 623 00:40:37,605 --> 00:40:40,171 When I was a kid, we went to the Bronx Zoo. 624 00:40:42,105 --> 00:40:43,938 Watched a gorilla jerk off. 625 00:40:46,405 --> 00:40:48,405 And then had to write a report about it. 626 00:40:50,305 --> 00:40:51,971 "He held it tightly." 627 00:40:54,371 --> 00:40:56,670 So Lola goes on the class trip, 628 00:40:56,671 --> 00:41:01,171 and she's in Portugal, doing whatever Portuguese shit they do. 629 00:41:01,905 --> 00:41:05,937 And one day, Lola, and four of her little white girl friends 630 00:41:05,938 --> 00:41:10,138 decide that they're bored and they're gonna leave the class. 631 00:41:10,771 --> 00:41:14,805 They're gonna sneak away, go to a bar, and get drunk. 632 00:41:15,738 --> 00:41:18,271 And then they tried to sneak back in. 633 00:41:18,905 --> 00:41:22,171 But of course, they got busted. Of course, they got busted. 634 00:41:23,138 --> 00:41:25,670 Now, these crazy, rich, white schools, 635 00:41:25,671 --> 00:41:27,371 they don't play that shit. 636 00:41:28,105 --> 00:41:31,205 You get busted sneaking out drinking, they're like, "You are kicked out." 637 00:41:31,971 --> 00:41:32,971 But... 638 00:41:33,905 --> 00:41:36,370 But, this school, of course, 639 00:41:36,371 --> 00:41:40,837 these crazy white schools got rich-ass white parents. 640 00:41:40,838 --> 00:41:45,105 And rich-ass white parents do not let their kids get kicked out of school. 641 00:41:45,805 --> 00:41:49,338 So all these rich-ass parents, they've all got lawyers. 642 00:41:50,105 --> 00:41:52,871 Even the ones that were lawyers, got lawyers. 643 00:41:54,605 --> 00:41:56,237 Okay? And they got them good lawyers. 644 00:41:56,238 --> 00:41:58,971 They got those NFL rape lawyers. 645 00:42:02,438 --> 00:42:03,737 Like, I'm not advocating rape. 646 00:42:03,738 --> 00:42:07,004 But if you're ever on trial, that's who you want, okay? 647 00:42:07,005 --> 00:42:09,505 Either that, or Robert Kardashian, right? 648 00:42:10,871 --> 00:42:12,970 And they got the good lawyers, right? 649 00:42:12,971 --> 00:42:14,470 I didn't want a lawyer at first. 650 00:42:14,471 --> 00:42:17,837 I didn't want to get a lawyer because I was mad at my child. 651 00:42:17,838 --> 00:42:20,970 I was mad. I was like, "Lola, what the fuck is going on?" 652 00:42:20,971 --> 00:42:23,005 "First, you're biting. Now, this shit?" 653 00:42:25,038 --> 00:42:26,470 And I tried to talk to my ex-wife. 654 00:42:26,471 --> 00:42:29,170 I was like, "Let's wait before we get a lawyer." 655 00:42:29,171 --> 00:42:31,970 "Let's see how this turns out. Let's see how it unfolds." 656 00:42:31,971 --> 00:42:33,504 My ex-wife's like, "No, fuck that." 657 00:42:33,505 --> 00:42:36,037 "We're getting a lawyer, and we're gonna sue this school." 658 00:42:36,038 --> 00:42:38,704 "We're gonna sue this dean. We're gonna sue these teachers." 659 00:42:38,705 --> 00:42:40,970 "I can't even believe they let her out of their sight." 660 00:42:40,971 --> 00:42:42,637 "We are suing these people." 661 00:42:42,638 --> 00:42:45,137 And I started to argue with her, 662 00:42:45,138 --> 00:42:49,070 but the last time I argued with my ex-wife about a lawyer, 663 00:42:49,071 --> 00:42:50,471 I lost my house. 664 00:42:53,605 --> 00:42:55,338 So we got a lawyer. We got a lawyer. 665 00:42:55,971 --> 00:42:57,670 And I'm talking to the lawyer, 666 00:42:57,671 --> 00:43:00,604 and the lawyer's like, "Okay, okay, I talked to some people." 667 00:43:00,605 --> 00:43:02,570 "And if you give me ten days, 668 00:43:02,571 --> 00:43:05,005 I should be able to get her back in the school." 669 00:43:05,505 --> 00:43:07,470 So Lola's home for ten days. 670 00:43:07,471 --> 00:43:13,770 One day, I come home from work and I see Lola outside just laughing 671 00:43:13,771 --> 00:43:17,238 with, like, three of her little white girl friends, just laughing. 672 00:43:18,038 --> 00:43:22,504 You ever just want to choke your child for smiling? 673 00:43:22,505 --> 00:43:25,737 Like, motherfucker, what are you smiling about right now? 674 00:43:25,738 --> 00:43:28,470 So I walk over to Lola. I'm like, "Lola, what's so funny?" 675 00:43:28,471 --> 00:43:29,937 "What is so funny?" 676 00:43:29,938 --> 00:43:32,070 And Lola's like, "Daddy, stop it!" 677 00:43:32,071 --> 00:43:35,305 "You're so serious. I'll be back in school in no time." 678 00:43:35,805 --> 00:43:38,438 And I'm like, "Look at this smug motherfucker." 679 00:43:39,305 --> 00:43:41,870 And at that moment, I kind of snapped. 680 00:43:41,871 --> 00:43:43,804 And I got back in the car. 681 00:43:43,805 --> 00:43:47,504 I got back in the fucking car and I drove to the school. 682 00:43:47,505 --> 00:43:49,237 I drove to the school and found the dean. 683 00:43:49,238 --> 00:43:51,638 I was like, "Hey, we need to talk." 684 00:43:52,471 --> 00:43:54,170 "I know you're going through it right now." 685 00:43:54,171 --> 00:43:56,804 "I know you've got a lot of parents trying to sue you, 686 00:43:56,805 --> 00:44:01,137 and trying to sue the school, and trying to get you fired, 687 00:44:01,138 --> 00:44:02,471 but I need a favor." 688 00:44:03,471 --> 00:44:07,838 "I need you to kick my daughter out of this school." 689 00:44:09,538 --> 00:44:14,504 "I need you to kick her Black ass out of this school." 690 00:44:14,505 --> 00:44:20,170 "I need my Black child to learn her lesson right now, 691 00:44:20,171 --> 00:44:23,438 before she ends up on OnlyFans or some shit." 692 00:44:24,438 --> 00:44:28,837 "Please kick my child out of fucking school." 693 00:44:28,838 --> 00:44:29,904 And they kicked her out. 694 00:44:29,905 --> 00:44:33,737 They kicked them all out, but they kicked my child out first, 695 00:44:33,738 --> 00:44:35,738 okay? 'Cause I'm a celebrity. 696 00:44:37,038 --> 00:44:38,870 And I went home, 697 00:44:38,871 --> 00:44:41,405 act like I didn't know what was about to happen. 698 00:44:42,205 --> 00:44:44,571 The phone rang. I was like, "Lola, you should get that." 699 00:44:47,838 --> 00:44:50,304 I act like I didn't know shit. 700 00:44:50,305 --> 00:44:53,604 And Lola got the phone and they gave her the news. 701 00:44:53,605 --> 00:44:55,904 And then Lola comes in all sad. 702 00:44:55,905 --> 00:44:58,237 "Daddy, they kicked me out of school." 703 00:44:58,238 --> 00:45:01,405 And I was like, "I told you them crackers are mean, Lola." 704 00:45:02,805 --> 00:45:04,870 "I told you about them crackers." 705 00:45:04,871 --> 00:45:06,470 And to this day, 706 00:45:06,471 --> 00:45:10,004 Lola has no idea I had anything to do with that shit. 707 00:45:10,005 --> 00:45:13,237 And her mother has no idea I had anything to do with that shit. 708 00:45:13,238 --> 00:45:15,237 And the lawyer has no idea. 709 00:45:15,238 --> 00:45:19,504 And they won't find out till they see this shit on Netflix. 710 00:45:29,171 --> 00:45:30,470 Here's the amazing thing. 711 00:45:30,471 --> 00:45:33,337 Here's a beautiful thing that happened. Here's a beautiful thing... 712 00:45:33,338 --> 00:45:34,605 It worked. 713 00:45:35,338 --> 00:45:38,604 The whole thing humbled Lola, my God, 714 00:45:38,605 --> 00:45:40,737 'cause Lola got kicked out of school for real. 715 00:45:40,738 --> 00:45:43,037 So she had to apply to another high school, 716 00:45:43,038 --> 00:45:47,004 and she had to write essays explaining why she got kicked out, 717 00:45:47,005 --> 00:45:48,937 and why it would never happen again. 718 00:45:48,938 --> 00:45:51,537 And when it was time for her to apply for college, 719 00:45:51,538 --> 00:45:55,737 she had to write why she got kicked out, and why it would never happen again. 720 00:45:55,738 --> 00:45:58,337 And now, three years later, 721 00:45:58,338 --> 00:46:01,937 my daughter, Lola, is one of the coolest people I have ever met. 722 00:46:01,938 --> 00:46:04,071 She is so amazing. 723 00:46:04,671 --> 00:46:06,871 Lola Rock is amazing. 724 00:46:08,038 --> 00:46:13,738 My daughter, Lola, goes to culinary school in Paris. 725 00:46:15,171 --> 00:46:16,171 Yeah. 726 00:46:16,905 --> 00:46:19,938 Culinary school. Touché, nigga, touché. 727 00:46:21,805 --> 00:46:25,304 Culinary school in Paris. 728 00:46:25,305 --> 00:46:27,837 That's right. My greatest achievement, man. 729 00:46:27,838 --> 00:46:31,937 I mean, let's just think about it. Let's just think about it for a second. 730 00:46:31,938 --> 00:46:37,337 My mother was born in 1945. 731 00:46:37,338 --> 00:46:39,837 My mother was born in 1945, in a little town 732 00:46:39,838 --> 00:46:42,270 called Georgetown, South Carolina, right? 733 00:46:42,271 --> 00:46:44,170 And my mother told me 734 00:46:44,171 --> 00:46:48,137 when she was a little girl, it was against the law 735 00:46:48,138 --> 00:46:52,405 for a Black person to go to a white dentist. 736 00:46:53,105 --> 00:46:56,770 Against the law for a Black person to go to a white dentist, right? 737 00:46:56,771 --> 00:47:00,204 And if you were a little child and you needed your teeth taken out, 738 00:47:00,205 --> 00:47:02,637 like all children do, 739 00:47:02,638 --> 00:47:03,970 if you're a little Black child 740 00:47:03,971 --> 00:47:08,870 and you needed your teeth taken out, and you couldn't find a Black dentist, 741 00:47:08,871 --> 00:47:11,671 you had to go to a vet. 742 00:47:13,005 --> 00:47:16,770 Yeah, motherfucker. A vet in America. 743 00:47:16,771 --> 00:47:20,104 I'm talking about my mother. I'm not talking about Harriet Tubman. 744 00:47:20,105 --> 00:47:24,304 I'm talking about my mother. Shit, she's sitting over there, okay? 745 00:47:24,305 --> 00:47:28,171 My mother went to a vet, okay? 746 00:47:29,405 --> 00:47:30,604 Went to a vet. 747 00:47:30,605 --> 00:47:32,604 And think about it. 748 00:47:32,605 --> 00:47:34,604 The same woman that had to go through 749 00:47:34,605 --> 00:47:39,637 the indignity of getting her teeth taken out by a fucking vet, 750 00:47:39,638 --> 00:47:43,970 the same woman now, twice a year, 751 00:47:43,971 --> 00:47:50,770 gets on a plane, flies to Paris, and has coffee with her granddaughter, 752 00:47:50,771 --> 00:47:53,271 who is going to culinary school. 753 00:47:54,205 --> 00:47:57,005 Touché, nigga, touché. 754 00:47:58,438 --> 00:47:59,438 Okay? 755 00:48:00,205 --> 00:48:02,137 And Lola, and my mother, 756 00:48:02,138 --> 00:48:05,637 my mother sits her down and tells her about her life, 757 00:48:05,638 --> 00:48:07,171 and then Lola bites her. 758 00:48:10,338 --> 00:48:11,371 Yes. 759 00:48:12,471 --> 00:48:13,905 Touché, nigga, touché. 760 00:48:14,705 --> 00:48:15,904 Oh, my life is good. 761 00:48:15,905 --> 00:48:19,437 I cannot complain, man. Cannot complain. 762 00:48:19,438 --> 00:48:22,804 You know, I got some bullshit going on, but it's going good. 763 00:48:22,805 --> 00:48:23,805 I'm single. 764 00:48:24,605 --> 00:48:25,605 I'm single. 765 00:48:26,171 --> 00:48:27,637 Have been single a long time. 766 00:48:27,638 --> 00:48:29,270 I was married for a long time, 767 00:48:29,271 --> 00:48:31,637 you know, I was dating somebody for a while. 768 00:48:31,638 --> 00:48:33,970 Now I'm single and here's the crazy thing. 769 00:48:33,971 --> 00:48:36,238 You don't even realize 770 00:48:36,771 --> 00:48:39,938 all the amazing little things a woman does for you 771 00:48:40,571 --> 00:48:41,805 'til you don't have one. 772 00:48:43,771 --> 00:48:44,937 You don't even realize 'em. 773 00:48:44,938 --> 00:48:48,837 Women do so many things that you don't even realize. 774 00:48:48,838 --> 00:48:50,937 Like the other night, I'm trying to get some sleep 775 00:48:50,938 --> 00:48:54,438 trying to sleep, couldn't sleep, trying to sleep, couldn't sleep. 776 00:48:55,138 --> 00:48:56,871 And suddenly it dawned on me, I was like, 777 00:48:58,171 --> 00:48:59,871 "This pillowcase is filthy." 778 00:49:06,305 --> 00:49:08,205 "Are we supposed to change these?" 779 00:49:10,371 --> 00:49:13,305 I flipped it over it was black and greasy. 780 00:49:13,905 --> 00:49:16,771 I was like, "Did Draymond Green sleep on this part of the bed?" 781 00:49:18,071 --> 00:49:20,370 - That shit was black, man. - Yeah. 782 00:49:20,371 --> 00:49:21,570 Try to date. 783 00:49:21,571 --> 00:49:23,904 Trying to fucking date is hard. 784 00:49:23,905 --> 00:49:28,238 'Cause on one hand, you know, I'm loving, I want a real relationship. 785 00:49:28,838 --> 00:49:30,471 "I want a Sunday kind of love." 786 00:49:31,571 --> 00:49:33,805 And the other time, on the other hand, I'm just a ho. 787 00:49:35,071 --> 00:49:37,271 I'm just bad. I'm like, "Ah, fuck all this shit." 788 00:49:38,105 --> 00:49:39,837 Like I'm all fucked up, we all got that. 789 00:49:39,838 --> 00:49:42,338 Like, ladies, I will lick your ass 790 00:49:43,838 --> 00:49:45,605 and never call you again. 791 00:49:48,205 --> 00:49:51,271 But if we hold hands, you my girl. 792 00:49:53,871 --> 00:49:54,937 Why is that? 793 00:49:54,938 --> 00:49:59,871 Why is holding hands more intimate than licking ass? 794 00:50:00,771 --> 00:50:02,138 That don't make no sense. 795 00:50:03,305 --> 00:50:06,204 I'm doing the Netflix special tonight, I'm making a ton of money, 796 00:50:06,205 --> 00:50:08,071 I might lick somebody's ass tonight. 797 00:50:09,105 --> 00:50:11,638 But I know, I ain't holding nobody's hand. 798 00:50:14,205 --> 00:50:16,437 I know that shit. 799 00:50:16,438 --> 00:50:20,505 I can't tell you every woman I fucked, but I know every hand I ever held. 800 00:50:22,971 --> 00:50:25,170 I'm trying to date, trying to date. 801 00:50:25,171 --> 00:50:27,105 Trying to date women my age, 802 00:50:27,771 --> 00:50:31,338 which is 10 to 15 years younger than me. 803 00:50:33,738 --> 00:50:36,871 Don't hate the player, hate the game. 804 00:50:37,471 --> 00:50:38,371 You're right. 805 00:50:38,372 --> 00:50:42,838 I didn't get rich and stay in shape to talk about Anita Baker. 806 00:50:48,805 --> 00:50:50,671 I'm trying to fuck Doja Cat. 807 00:50:59,638 --> 00:51:01,505 Yeah, nigga, yeah. 808 00:51:02,538 --> 00:51:04,705 No, man, a lot of people think 809 00:51:05,271 --> 00:51:07,504 men date younger women 'cause they're younger. 810 00:51:07,505 --> 00:51:09,304 No, not at all. 811 00:51:09,305 --> 00:51:12,005 Men do not date younger women 'cause they're younger. 812 00:51:12,671 --> 00:51:14,138 Men date younger women 813 00:51:15,271 --> 00:51:17,971 'cause they're less expensive to date. 814 00:51:19,371 --> 00:51:21,504 That is what it all boils down to. 815 00:51:21,505 --> 00:51:26,105 See, you go out with a 25-year-old, she just wants a pair of shoes. 816 00:51:26,505 --> 00:51:29,270 "I saw these shoes. Can I get these shoes?" 817 00:51:29,271 --> 00:51:31,904 "I saw these shoes. Can I get these shoes?" 818 00:51:31,905 --> 00:51:35,137 "I really like these shoes. Can I get these shoes?" 819 00:51:35,138 --> 00:51:36,705 "Can I send you the link?" 820 00:51:38,171 --> 00:51:39,537 "Can I send you the link?" 821 00:51:39,538 --> 00:51:43,104 "I want to get these shoes. Can I get these shoes?" 822 00:51:43,105 --> 00:51:44,538 "You can Venmo me." 823 00:51:45,338 --> 00:51:47,805 "That's the app I put on your phone three weeks ago." 824 00:51:48,538 --> 00:51:49,938 "Can I get these shoes?" 825 00:51:50,505 --> 00:51:52,170 And if you're lucky, 826 00:51:52,171 --> 00:51:54,870 your 25-year-old will model those shoes for you. 827 00:51:54,871 --> 00:51:56,905 That's right. You go, "Fuck it. Get your shoes." 828 00:51:57,471 --> 00:51:59,971 And if you're lucky, she will model them for you naked. 829 00:52:00,838 --> 00:52:03,570 She's like, "You like your shoes, Daddy?" "You like your shoes?" 830 00:52:03,571 --> 00:52:06,870 "You like your shoes, Daddy?" "You like your shoes?" 831 00:52:06,871 --> 00:52:08,738 And everybody's happy 832 00:52:09,605 --> 00:52:11,905 for the price of a pair of shoes. 833 00:52:12,871 --> 00:52:15,538 That's what it's like to date a 25 year old. 834 00:52:16,271 --> 00:52:18,338 You go out with a 45, 50? 835 00:52:19,005 --> 00:52:20,805 They want more than shoes. 836 00:52:22,971 --> 00:52:26,505 You go out with a 45, 50-year-old, she's like, 837 00:52:27,538 --> 00:52:29,638 "Can you help me fix my roof?" 838 00:52:36,105 --> 00:52:37,171 Goddamn. 839 00:52:38,271 --> 00:52:39,971 That ain't sexy at all. 840 00:52:41,771 --> 00:52:44,205 What, I got to get estimates for this pussy? 841 00:52:47,371 --> 00:52:52,404 I got to see contractors for this pussy, goddamn. 842 00:52:52,405 --> 00:52:56,571 You go out with a 45, 50-year-old, they got a house that's falling apart. 843 00:52:57,238 --> 00:52:59,138 They're like, "You know anybody with a snake?" 844 00:53:01,005 --> 00:53:02,005 A snake? 845 00:53:02,505 --> 00:53:04,405 You don't want my dick to ever get hard. 846 00:53:07,638 --> 00:53:09,537 You go out with a 45, 50-year-old, 847 00:53:09,538 --> 00:53:11,738 they always got a car that's falling apart. 848 00:53:12,505 --> 00:53:13,871 Car's a piece of shit. 849 00:53:14,638 --> 00:53:18,505 They always got the worst version of a good car. 850 00:53:20,605 --> 00:53:21,904 The car got a good name, 851 00:53:21,905 --> 00:53:25,370 but they got the worst version they ever made. 852 00:53:25,371 --> 00:53:27,638 Like a Mercedes 308. 853 00:53:29,405 --> 00:53:31,071 What the fuck's a 308? 854 00:53:31,738 --> 00:53:34,271 Four-cylinder and you roll the window down? 855 00:53:35,238 --> 00:53:36,771 Who sold you this shit? 856 00:53:38,238 --> 00:53:40,538 They got a Tesla that takes gas. 857 00:53:44,005 --> 00:53:46,371 You're like, "Who sold you this shit?" 858 00:53:47,238 --> 00:53:48,605 What the fuck? 859 00:53:49,405 --> 00:53:51,470 God, man, but the pussy good. 860 00:53:51,471 --> 00:53:54,905 The pussy, that 45, 50-year-old pussy, it's good. 861 00:53:55,505 --> 00:53:57,038 That's right, it simmered longer. 862 00:53:58,038 --> 00:54:00,671 It's been on the pot a little longer. 863 00:54:01,538 --> 00:54:05,238 That's right, that 45, 50-year-old pussy is like spaghetti. 864 00:54:06,905 --> 00:54:08,671 It's better the next day. 865 00:54:11,071 --> 00:54:14,170 It really is, really is. Whoo! 866 00:54:14,171 --> 00:54:16,138 It really fucking is. 867 00:54:16,838 --> 00:54:20,337 And they always got a fucked up car then you get that good pussy. 868 00:54:20,338 --> 00:54:22,637 You get that good 45, 50-year-old pussy 869 00:54:22,638 --> 00:54:24,904 you think you leaving the house, "Okay, see you later." 870 00:54:24,905 --> 00:54:28,271 And then she's like, "No, no, no, no, no. I need a favor." 871 00:54:29,871 --> 00:54:33,238 "Can you come with me to the mechanic to pick up my car?" 872 00:54:34,205 --> 00:54:37,071 "I need you to come 'cause if I go alone they're gonna take advantage." 873 00:54:39,071 --> 00:54:41,605 So now you gotta go with her to pick up her car. 874 00:54:41,905 --> 00:54:43,938 You don't even know what's wrong with the car. 875 00:54:44,938 --> 00:54:46,038 But you gotta go. 876 00:54:46,705 --> 00:54:51,071 And you just standing there like some sort of sexual scarecrow. 877 00:54:57,071 --> 00:55:01,971 And the mechanic's like, "That's $500," and you're like... 878 00:55:07,438 --> 00:55:10,438 And then the mechanic says, "Okay, $450." 879 00:55:11,671 --> 00:55:15,071 And then she goes, "I only got $35." 880 00:55:16,571 --> 00:55:19,071 Bitch, you fucking played me! 881 00:55:19,771 --> 00:55:21,305 I just got your roof fixed. 882 00:55:24,205 --> 00:55:27,304 They say women have all, they say men have all the power. 883 00:55:27,305 --> 00:55:29,071 They say men have all the power. 884 00:55:29,638 --> 00:55:32,637 But we don't. We don't have all the power. 885 00:55:32,638 --> 00:55:34,638 Women have the power. 886 00:55:35,305 --> 00:55:37,870 You got all the fucking power. 887 00:55:37,871 --> 00:55:38,871 That's right. 888 00:55:38,872 --> 00:55:43,571 'Cause there's nothing more powerful than female beauty. 889 00:55:44,305 --> 00:55:46,605 Nothing more powerful, that's right. 890 00:55:47,138 --> 00:55:49,738 A beautiful woman can stop traffic. 891 00:55:50,571 --> 00:55:53,738 There is nothing about a man that can stop traffic. 892 00:55:55,505 --> 00:55:56,405 Now, that's right. 893 00:55:56,406 --> 00:56:00,671 You could be a dead man on a highway with your dick out 894 00:56:01,938 --> 00:56:04,405 and they will drive around your dead ass. 895 00:56:06,371 --> 00:56:09,104 There's nothing 896 00:56:09,105 --> 00:56:12,870 more powerful than female beauty. 897 00:56:12,871 --> 00:56:15,771 You call it female beauty, you can call it pussy. 898 00:56:16,671 --> 00:56:18,270 Call it whatever you want, man. 899 00:56:18,271 --> 00:56:20,737 Shit, I've been working, 900 00:56:20,738 --> 00:56:23,637 I've been working since I was seven years old. 901 00:56:23,638 --> 00:56:25,538 Been working for almost 50 years. 902 00:56:26,071 --> 00:56:28,871 Seven years old! I used to sweep up at a supermarket. 903 00:56:29,438 --> 00:56:31,705 I've been working since I was seven years old. 904 00:56:32,505 --> 00:56:36,438 And I have made millions of dollars, okay? 905 00:56:37,405 --> 00:56:41,071 And every dime I have ever made 906 00:56:42,038 --> 00:56:45,405 I have spent it on pussy. 907 00:56:47,805 --> 00:56:50,137 Every fucking cent! 908 00:56:50,138 --> 00:56:53,238 Either pussy or pussy adjacent. 909 00:56:54,771 --> 00:56:57,037 Every fucking dime. 910 00:56:57,038 --> 00:56:59,604 Getting the pussy hair done, 911 00:56:59,605 --> 00:57:01,737 getting the pussy taxes done, 912 00:57:01,738 --> 00:57:04,070 getting the pussy's son into camp, 913 00:57:04,071 --> 00:57:06,005 getting the pussy's tooth fixed, 914 00:57:06,505 --> 00:57:09,004 getting the pussy's driveway done, 915 00:57:09,005 --> 00:57:11,937 getting the pussy's mama some life insurance, 916 00:57:11,938 --> 00:57:14,471 getting the pussy bunion surgery. 917 00:57:15,071 --> 00:57:19,305 I've paid more college loans off than Joe Biden. 918 00:57:26,038 --> 00:57:27,205 Motherfucker. 919 00:57:28,738 --> 00:57:30,404 Spent all my money on pussy. 920 00:57:30,405 --> 00:57:33,771 And if I had a chance to do it again I'd spend it on pussy again. 921 00:57:35,671 --> 00:57:39,871 They say men have all the advantages. No, we don't. 922 00:57:40,538 --> 00:57:43,804 That's right, man. Women you got all the advantages. 923 00:57:43,805 --> 00:57:48,338 You ever notice how you can tell what kind of neighborhood you in? 924 00:57:49,538 --> 00:57:52,105 Just by who's not working? 925 00:57:54,938 --> 00:57:58,037 Think about it for one sec, you can tell what kind of neighborhood you in 926 00:57:58,038 --> 00:58:00,704 just by who's not working. 927 00:58:00,705 --> 00:58:03,504 If you're in any neighborhood in America, 928 00:58:03,505 --> 00:58:08,137 at 12:15 in the afternoon on a Wednesday, 929 00:58:08,138 --> 00:58:14,404 and you see women with sweatpants on coming out the gym, 930 00:58:14,405 --> 00:58:17,604 pushing babies, riding bikes. 931 00:58:17,605 --> 00:58:21,571 That's right, having brunch, going to SoulCycle. 932 00:58:23,338 --> 00:58:25,971 Chances are you're in a nice neighborhood. 933 00:58:26,905 --> 00:58:28,971 There's probably a Whole Foods nearby. 934 00:58:30,305 --> 00:58:35,270 That's right, wherever women ain't working is an amazing place to live. 935 00:58:35,271 --> 00:58:36,570 That's where I want to live. 936 00:58:36,571 --> 00:58:40,738 I want to live in a place where women are voluntarily not working. 937 00:58:41,338 --> 00:58:44,005 That is where I want to live. Now, let's switch it up. 938 00:58:44,938 --> 00:58:48,170 If you're in any neighborhood in America, 939 00:58:48,171 --> 00:58:51,937 at 12:15 in the afternoon on a Wednesday, 940 00:58:51,938 --> 00:58:53,438 and you see men 941 00:58:54,805 --> 00:58:56,205 in sweatpants, 942 00:58:57,338 --> 00:58:58,805 smoking cigarettes, 943 00:58:59,371 --> 00:59:01,370 hanging with their boys, 944 00:59:01,371 --> 00:59:03,871 lifting weights in the yard, 945 00:59:04,505 --> 00:59:07,271 riding children's bicycles, 946 00:59:08,271 --> 00:59:10,771 as their actual transportation, 947 00:59:11,505 --> 00:59:13,638 then you are in danger. 948 00:59:17,838 --> 00:59:22,505 Wherever men don't work is fucking dangerous, that's right. 949 00:59:23,038 --> 00:59:26,070 That's right, that's right, women have all the power, shit. 950 00:59:26,071 --> 00:59:28,838 My ex-wife is the smartest woman I know. 951 00:59:29,671 --> 00:59:31,705 She got just as much money as me 952 00:59:32,338 --> 00:59:34,071 ain't funny at all. 953 00:59:40,571 --> 00:59:42,404 God bless her. God bless her. 954 00:59:42,405 --> 00:59:46,670 Nothing more powerful than female beauty. Nothing. 955 00:59:46,671 --> 00:59:48,705 Just look at Beyoncé. 956 00:59:49,938 --> 00:59:52,438 Whoo! Can't wait for that tour. 957 00:59:53,571 --> 00:59:55,970 That's right, man, Beyoncé. Now I know she talented. 958 00:59:55,971 --> 00:59:59,638 She is so talented, man. She's extremely talented. 959 01:00:00,171 --> 01:00:02,138 But even with all that talent 960 01:00:03,105 --> 01:00:05,538 ain't nothing more powerful than the beauty. 961 01:00:06,505 --> 01:00:08,938 Beyoncé is one of the finest motherfuckers 962 01:00:09,571 --> 01:00:10,805 I have ever seen. 963 01:00:12,171 --> 01:00:15,637 Beyoncé is fine, motherfucker. Shit. 964 01:00:15,638 --> 01:00:17,538 Beyoncé is so fine 965 01:00:18,771 --> 01:00:21,105 that if she worked at Burger King 966 01:00:22,738 --> 01:00:24,738 she could still marry Jay-Z. 967 01:00:27,538 --> 01:00:29,004 That's how fine she is. 968 01:00:29,005 --> 01:00:30,570 She could still get her 969 01:00:30,571 --> 01:00:34,137 a billionaire, great, rapping, fucking businessman. 970 01:00:34,138 --> 01:00:38,770 She is so fine that if she worked at Burger King, 971 01:00:38,771 --> 01:00:40,938 she could still marry Jay-Z. 972 01:00:42,205 --> 01:00:45,570 Now if Jay-Z worked at Burger King... 973 01:00:50,305 --> 01:00:52,504 No, no, no, women got the power. 974 01:00:52,505 --> 01:00:55,438 By the way, that is not a Jay-Z diss. 975 01:00:56,038 --> 01:00:59,305 I do not need another rapper mad at me, okay? 976 01:01:00,238 --> 01:01:01,305 I don't need it. 977 01:01:02,438 --> 01:01:04,404 I don't need that smoke. 978 01:01:04,405 --> 01:01:06,570 I'm, like, The Rock. The Rock. 979 01:01:06,571 --> 01:01:10,005 I do not need the smoke. Y'all know what happened to me. 980 01:01:10,105 --> 01:01:12,305 Getting smacked by Suge Smith. 981 01:01:16,138 --> 01:01:18,005 Everybody knows. 982 01:01:18,105 --> 01:01:20,770 Everybody fucking knows. 983 01:01:20,771 --> 01:01:24,937 Yes! It happened. I got smacked like a year ago, 984 01:01:24,938 --> 01:01:26,837 fucking last week, I got smacked 985 01:01:26,838 --> 01:01:29,471 at the fucking Oscars by this motherfucker. 986 01:01:29,571 --> 01:01:31,237 And people like, "Did it hurt?" 987 01:01:31,238 --> 01:01:32,638 It still hurts. 988 01:01:34,505 --> 01:01:36,738 I got "Summertime" ringing in my ear. 989 01:01:41,971 --> 01:01:44,438 Fucking drums, please. 990 01:01:46,205 --> 01:01:47,704 But I'm not a victim, baby. 991 01:01:47,705 --> 01:01:51,538 You will never see me on Oprah or Gayle crying. 992 01:01:53,105 --> 01:01:54,371 You will never see it. 993 01:01:55,405 --> 01:01:57,104 Never gonna happen. 994 01:01:57,105 --> 01:02:00,537 I couldn't believe it and I love Men in Black. 995 01:02:00,538 --> 01:02:01,538 No. 996 01:02:02,271 --> 01:02:06,037 It's never gonna happen. No. 997 01:02:06,038 --> 01:02:09,337 Fuck that shit. I took that hit like Pacquiao, motherfucker. 998 01:02:13,338 --> 01:02:18,070 I took it like motherfucking Pacquiao, okay? 999 01:02:18,071 --> 01:02:19,804 Shit, man. 1000 01:02:19,805 --> 01:02:20,870 Did it hurt? 1001 01:02:20,871 --> 01:02:22,771 Yeah, it motherfucking hurt. 1002 01:02:22,871 --> 01:02:25,470 People are all, "You guys are fighting all the time." 1003 01:02:25,471 --> 01:02:28,704 We're not fighting. First of all, I know you can't tell on camera. 1004 01:02:28,705 --> 01:02:31,838 Will Smith is significantly bigger than me. 1005 01:02:32,605 --> 01:02:35,537 We're not the same size, okay? 1006 01:02:35,538 --> 01:02:36,904 We're not. 1007 01:02:36,905 --> 01:02:39,938 This guy mostly does movies with his shirt off. 1008 01:02:40,638 --> 01:02:43,605 You've never seen me do a movie with my shirt off. 1009 01:02:46,038 --> 01:02:48,905 If I'm in a movie getting open heart surgery, 1010 01:02:49,005 --> 01:02:50,505 I got on a sweater. 1011 01:02:56,405 --> 01:02:59,470 Will Smith played Muhammad Ali in a movie. 1012 01:02:59,471 --> 01:03:01,538 You think I auditioned for that part? 1013 01:03:02,805 --> 01:03:05,971 He played Muhammad Ali. I played Pookie in New Jack City. 1014 01:03:14,671 --> 01:03:16,470 Pookie, motherfucker. 1015 01:03:16,471 --> 01:03:19,005 I played a piece of corn in Pootie Tang. 1016 01:03:20,838 --> 01:03:23,737 Shit, even in animation, this motherfucker is bigger. 1017 01:03:23,738 --> 01:03:25,505 I am zebra. He's a shark. 1018 01:03:26,705 --> 01:03:28,137 What the fuck, man? 1019 01:03:28,138 --> 01:03:30,337 But... But, 1020 01:03:30,338 --> 01:03:36,271 Will Smith practices selective outrage. 1021 01:03:37,905 --> 01:03:42,037 Practices selective outrage. 1022 01:03:42,038 --> 01:03:44,304 'Cause everybody knows what the fuck happened. 1023 01:03:44,305 --> 01:03:46,004 Everybody that really knows 1024 01:03:46,005 --> 01:03:48,237 knows that I had nothing to do with that shit. 1025 01:03:48,238 --> 01:03:50,838 I didn't have any entanglement. 1026 01:03:56,138 --> 01:03:57,138 I didn't. 1027 01:03:58,205 --> 01:04:00,237 I did not have any entanglement. 1028 01:04:00,238 --> 01:04:02,605 For people that don't know what everybody knows. 1029 01:04:02,705 --> 01:04:07,871 Will Smith, his wife was fucking her son's friend, okay? 1030 01:04:08,605 --> 01:04:12,405 Now, I normally would not talk about this shit. 1031 01:04:13,171 --> 01:04:16,405 But for some reason, these niggas put that shit on the Internet. 1032 01:04:17,671 --> 01:04:23,604 I have no idea why two talented people would do something that fucking low down. 1033 01:04:23,605 --> 01:04:24,670 What the fuck? 1034 01:04:24,671 --> 01:04:26,537 We all been cheated on. 1035 01:04:26,538 --> 01:04:28,670 Everybody in here had been cheated on. 1036 01:04:28,671 --> 01:04:31,604 None of us have ever been interviewed 1037 01:04:31,605 --> 01:04:35,205 by the person that cheated on us on television. 1038 01:04:36,038 --> 01:04:37,138 None of us. 1039 01:04:37,805 --> 01:04:40,437 It's like, "Hey, I was sucking somebody else's dick." 1040 01:04:40,438 --> 01:04:42,005 "How did that make you feel?" 1041 01:04:52,105 --> 01:04:55,170 Why the fuck would you do that shit? 1042 01:04:55,171 --> 01:04:58,905 She hurt him way more than he hurt me. Okay? 1043 01:04:59,438 --> 01:05:00,570 Okay? 1044 01:05:00,571 --> 01:05:02,770 And by the way, he does that shit, 1045 01:05:02,771 --> 01:05:06,637 everybody in the world called him a bitch. 1046 01:05:06,638 --> 01:05:09,670 I tried to call the motherfucker and give him my condolences. 1047 01:05:09,671 --> 01:05:10,870 He ain't pick up for me. 1048 01:05:10,871 --> 01:05:15,337 Everybody called that man a bitch. 1049 01:05:15,338 --> 01:05:18,604 Fucking Charlamagne called him a bitch. 1050 01:05:18,605 --> 01:05:20,904 The Breakfast Club called him a bitch. 1051 01:05:20,905 --> 01:05:26,870 And The View and The Talk and every rapper and the Drink Champs 1052 01:05:26,871 --> 01:05:29,037 called him a fucking bitch. 1053 01:05:29,038 --> 01:05:32,937 Everybody called him a bitch and called his wife a predator. 1054 01:05:32,938 --> 01:05:34,971 Everybody called him a bitch. 1055 01:05:38,771 --> 01:05:39,771 Everybody! 1056 01:05:40,871 --> 01:05:41,871 Everybody! 1057 01:05:42,971 --> 01:05:45,138 And who does he hit? Me. 1058 01:05:48,405 --> 01:05:52,405 A nigga he know he could beat. That is some bitch-ass shit. 1059 01:05:59,238 --> 01:06:01,705 That's what the fuck happened, okay? 1060 01:06:02,305 --> 01:06:04,504 Get the fuck out of here, man. 1061 01:06:04,505 --> 01:06:09,804 What the fuck? I do nothing to this motherfucker, okay? 1062 01:06:09,805 --> 01:06:13,637 Whatever. Years ago, his wife said I should quit the Oscars. 1063 01:06:13,638 --> 01:06:14,638 I shouldn't host. 1064 01:06:15,571 --> 01:06:20,870 She fucking said, "He should quit 'cause Will didn't get nominated for Concussion." 1065 01:06:20,871 --> 01:06:22,038 What the fuck? 1066 01:06:22,605 --> 01:06:25,570 What the fuck? So then I do some jokes about her. Who gives a fuck? 1067 01:06:25,571 --> 01:06:28,537 That's how it is. She started it. I finished it. Okay? 1068 01:06:28,538 --> 01:06:30,370 That's what the fuck happened. 1069 01:06:30,371 --> 01:06:32,604 Nobody was picking on this bitch. 1070 01:06:32,605 --> 01:06:34,171 She started this shit. 1071 01:06:36,471 --> 01:06:37,805 Nobody was picking on her. 1072 01:06:39,938 --> 01:06:42,637 Nobody was picking on her. 1073 01:06:42,638 --> 01:06:47,070 She said, me, a fucking grown-ass man should quit his job 1074 01:06:47,071 --> 01:06:50,137 'cause her husband didn't get nominated for Concussion. 1075 01:06:50,138 --> 01:06:53,238 And then this nigga gives me a fucking concussion, okay? 1076 01:06:54,005 --> 01:06:56,070 What the fuck, man? 1077 01:06:56,071 --> 01:06:59,970 I love Will Smith. My whole life, I love this nigga. 1078 01:06:59,971 --> 01:07:03,904 I saw him opened up for Run-DMC at the Nassau Coliseum. 1079 01:07:03,905 --> 01:07:05,904 These niggas made brand-new funk. 1080 01:07:05,905 --> 01:07:10,104 I love this nigga. He made some great movies. 1081 01:07:10,105 --> 01:07:13,970 I've rooted for Will Smith my whole life. 1082 01:07:13,971 --> 01:07:15,838 I root for this motherfucker, okay? 1083 01:07:15,938 --> 01:07:21,105 And now, I watch Emancipation just to see him get whooped. 1084 01:07:24,905 --> 01:07:27,538 It got me rooting for Massa, okay? 1085 01:07:28,371 --> 01:07:30,137 Hit him again, Massa. 1086 01:07:30,138 --> 01:07:31,538 Hit him again! 1087 01:07:32,971 --> 01:07:35,105 You missed a spot, Massa. 1088 01:07:35,671 --> 01:07:37,071 You missed a spot. 1089 01:07:39,038 --> 01:07:42,304 A lot of people go, "Chris, how come you didn't do nothing back." 1090 01:07:42,305 --> 01:07:44,805 "How come you didn't do nothing back that night?" 1091 01:07:45,305 --> 01:07:47,737 'Cause I got parents. That's why. 1092 01:07:47,738 --> 01:07:50,805 'Cause I was raised, okay? 1093 01:07:53,305 --> 01:07:54,971 I've got parents. 1094 01:07:55,571 --> 01:07:57,770 You know what my parents taught me. 1095 01:07:57,771 --> 01:08:00,305 Don't fight in front of white people. 1096 01:08:03,305 --> 01:08:07,305 Preuzeto sa www.titlovi.com 85985

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.