Original subtitles

Wherefore art thou new red lipstick?

Deny thy pigment and refuse thy gloss.

It's matte.

And we're clear.

Excellent sketch, milady.

You flatter me, good sirrah.

But in a professional, dignified way

that's totally appropriate for two adult friends.

Thou hast hit it.

How you doing, kid?

Any sign of your knees buckling?

You want me to strap you to a board like Hannibal Lecter?

I'd say I'm good for someone who recently realized

she has feelings for her best friend,

but he just went through a breakup

and wants to focus on our friendship,

which she totally agrees is the right call!

Cool, you seem fine.

Make it stop.

We get it, an elder is in danger.

Huh. No, it's just trying to get me to do the next stupid update.

Doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter?

The last update put the calendar notifications on the bottom.

Who knows what they'll dream up next.

You can't keep it together

'cause of this ham sandwich?

Okay, it's ready!

Time to test my latest sculpture.

I call it-- mm--

Memory Lane.

- Ooh. - Thanks.

-Uh... -Is this memory from when you were blackout drunk?

* I know *

* You see *

* Somehow the world will change for me *

* And be so wonderful *

* So wake up the members of my nation *

* It's your time to be *

* There's no chance unless you take one *

* And the time to see the brighter side *

* Of every situation *

* Some things are meant to be *

* So give your best and leave the rest to me. *

Live, damn you!

Carly, the surge killed your phone.

It's time to let go.

Fine.

-Let's call it. -It's okay.

We'll go to the Pear Store, and we'll get you a new phone.

-I'm an honorary genius there. -You get a discount?

No, actually, I pay a little more.

Okay, I'll get my backup.

Hey, h-have you guys seen my hard drive?

It has all my photos from the last 15 years on it.

It's purple with glitter, and it's labeled

"Carly's Bitchin' Purple Hard Drive."

Spencer, you used my actual backups for your sculpture?

Why couldn't you just use an empty hard drive?

If the hard drives were empty, the meaning would be, too.

Hey, you still have a backup in the cloud, right?

You know I don't trust the cloud.

How does it even work?

You throw your phone in the sky and wait for it to rain?

Mm, that's an oversimplification, probably.

Oh, my God, it's really gone, all of my photos.

It's okay, it's okay. We can fix this. We'll...

recreate your memories.

How? Are you gonna give me amnesia

so I can reexperience everything for the first time?

Wait. Did you already do that and I already had this idea?

No. We'll act out your favorite moments and take new photos.

Good sir, you would do such a thing for me?

Carly, I wouldst do anything for thee, milady.

My man.

Oh. Excelsior.

Nonny Nonny.

Ooh, tell me.

- Crumpet. - Ooh, for who?

Oh, my God, another blackout?

No, I just needed that to stop.

* Come on *

* Yes, I can, yes, we can *

* Watch us, we're unstoppable, so clap your hands *

* Listen up. *

Excuse you! Don't you knock?

Literally not once in the entire time you've known me.

I don't want to alarm you, but it's an emergency.

Is it?

You also said it was an emergency

when Queen Elizabeth was trending.

She died.

And they replaced her with some new guy.

See? Everything is fine.

Everything is not fine.

I bought the first dress I tried on.

Can you believe it?

Oh, I believe it.

-So, you'll help? -When a doctor sees a passenger

on a plane having a heart attack,

do they have any choice but to act?

You think what you do is like surgery?

In some ways, it's harder.

Can I just ask...

"Naughty girl?"

Isn't it so feminist?

Yeah. What-what do you think "feminist" means?

For years, I was only seen as someone's mom,

then someone's grandma.

But with my Lewbie, I'm my own magnificent,

sexually empowered being.

Finally... I'm Marissa.

And Marissa is a naughty girl.

Oh, damn. That's exactly what feminist means.

Well, what if we just gave you some options?

Ooh, that I can vote on?

-Yeah. -I'm like a suffragette.

Focus.

I'm worried recreating these memories is

just gonna make me want to kiss Freddie on his big stupid face.

I don't know why I called his face stupid, I like it so much.

You sure you don't want to tell him how you feel?

You'd be great together.

No. I just want to get through these memories

with as little pain as possible.

Then give me that list.

Nope. Nope!

The time you slow danced at Nevel Papperman's wedding?

Oh, my sweet Carly,

so pure of heart, so simple of mind.

You need someone who can pick

the most disgusting memories of all time.

Now you see why I came to you.

All right, who's ready to make some memories?!

Okay.

Carly, wake up!

Did I really scare you?

You could never scare me.

Ah! Damn it, people, back to one!

Do we really need to recreate the time

my mom put cloud block on me in front of the whole school?

Yes, we do, Fredward.

Pretty gross, huh?

Disgusting.

From the top, people!

You can do better than this.

Maybe you didn't hear me. I said, "Better."

I look like I'm going to the Oscars.

Too bad this is for my wedding.

I get why the fans like Baggles more than me.

He's pretty cute.

Still cute?

Adorable.

I can't work in these conditions!

Are you ready to say wow to the gown?

She's the one.

Yeah, work the trash.

Be the trash.

You are the trash.

Wait, I'm the trash?

You are not the trash.

* Living without you... *

Hey, wasn't this the song that was playing when...

When we slow danced here after that terrible school dance?

Yeah.

Would you maybe want to...

you know, just to get the photo.

I guess, just for the photo.

* And if you want my heart *

* Just let me know *

* 'Cause you were meant *

* 'Cause you were meant for me... *

You know what I just realized?

What?

There's no one here to take a picture.

* *

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No!

* *

I tried everything I could think of.

Some people don't want to be helped.

They just want to be naughty girls.

I never thought of my sister that way,

but I guess you're not wrong.

Who gets the best big brother award?

How can you...

at a time like this?

When our plan was a total failure?

Exactly! Look, forget the old plan.

When Freddie called me trash and asked me to dance,

it opened the door a crack,

and now I am going to kick it down.

So you're gonna tell Freddie how you feel?

Please, Harper.

I'm giddy, not stupid.

The ball's in Freddie's court.

But if I set up the perfect romantic memory,

- he'll confess how he feels. - Ooh!

You could use one of those memories

I vetoed from your list!

Don't ask me for help.

I couldn't even get Mrs. B to fall in love

with a gown by Pino Pino Firenze.

Firenze.

Hello.

I'm ready to recreate the time I met Paul.

New plan. Take off the chicken suit,

put on a regular suit,

and meet me at Spencer's in three hours.

-What's the new memory? -It's a surprise.

Oh? A surprise?

Yeah, a surprise.

Ooh, surprise me.

Spencer, we have to turn your apartment

into a romantic café, pronto.

We're gonna recreate the memory of Freddie visiting me in Italy.

Ah, you ruined the surprise.

Finally, question 50.

What is your favorite outfit you've ever worn?

Probably my nightgowns.

They make me feel so deliciously chaste.

Like Stevie Nicks in a convent.

The landslide definitely brought you down.

According to this quiz, your style icons are...

Chrissy Teigen, Angela Merkel,

and the girl who crawls out the TV in The Ring.

I appreciate your help,

but I already found my dream gown.

Plus, I was gonna keep this a surprise,

but I ordered the designer's bridesmaids dresses, too.

Harper, you're gonna be one of my naughty girl-ettes!

Perfect.

Oh, no! My God, no.

The son of the bride can't see the dress before the wedding!

Now what am I gonna wear?

Freddie, my angel.

Wow, I look really good in this suit.

Wait, did my mom's wedding dress say "Naughty Girl"?

* *

Okay, let's go through the plan.

One, Freddie comes in

and is obviously blown away when he realizes

we're recreating our amazing night in Italy.

Two, I mention the adorable Italian grandpa

that came up and asked to take our picture.

Eh? Ah, look at the beautiful young ones.

You must let me take your photo.

Say, "Cent'anni."

What does that mean again?

Oh, it's an Italian toast.

"May you live for 100 years."

Thank you. I plan to.

Then you take our photo,

and Freddie is overcome with emotion,

and then he confesses his feelings, and...

I don't know, doves, probably.

- Oh, my God, he's here. - It's him.

E-Everything has to be perfect!

This plate is dirty!

Come in.

Hey. Nice suit.

Wow, that dress.

Do you remember the night I wore it?

Is this...

From when you came to Italy.

We got all dressed up for that fancy dinner,

but then the restaurant was closed

for the feast day of Saint Geppetto,

the patron saint of little wooden boys.

And then we took a walk by the river,

and we found that café,

and that cute little old man came up

and asked to take our photo?

Eh? Ah, look at the beautiful young ones.

You must let me take your photo.

And I said, "Say, parmigiana."

No. Here we say, "Cent'anni."

And I said, "That's perfect,

"because I could live 100 years

and never find a friend like you."

I can't believe you did this.

Does that mean...

I can't believe you recreated the worst night of my life.

Huh?

That's not how it happened at all.

Right before you left for Italy,

you kissed me, remember?

Yeah.

And after you moved,

you were so lonely, we talked for hours every day.

And I planned that fancy dinner because I was gonna ask you

to be my girlfriend.

What?

But you never said that.

Right, 'cause that old man came along.

This old man? Ha!

I sit down now. Scusi.

He said, "Aw, look at the beautiful couple."

And you laughed.

You said, "No, definitely not a couple.

Friends. Amici."

But you weren't upset. You were fine.

We ate gelato, until that text.

My family emergency?

Yeah, I made that up.

I slept at the airport until I could get a flight home.

You slept at the airport?

And I swore I would never let you string me along again.

Freddie, I'm sorry, but I did not string you along.

You kissed me, and then a month later,

you laughed at the idea of us being a couple.

I laughed because I was uncomfortable.

You said that in 100 years,

I could only ever be your friend.

I said that our friendship was the most important of my life.

That meant something to me.

But, I guess to you,

being my friend is just a consolation prize.

Oh, House of Gucci.

That's not fair.

No, it's not fair that you made me the bad guy

for all these years just because I didn't like you back.

If you didn't like me, why did you kiss me?

To give us closure.

So we could both move on!

Oh, well, gee. Thank you for the closure.

That was awfully generous of you.

Freddie!

I-I can't believe this.

* *

Wow, you are hitting the needle hard.

-I'm making a scarf. -Hmm.

It should be longer, right?

I regret walking into this energy.

Do you think that I should just talk to Freddie?

-Carly, you... -I mean, I would send him a funny meme to break the ice,

but I don't have a phone.

Would you print off "the girl in front of a burning house" meme,

so I could just tape it to his door?

Carly.

But then it's, like, do I even want to talk to Freddie?

Maybe I'm still mad at Freddie.

Or is how mad I am at Freddie just because of

-how much I like Freddie? -Carly!

Enough!

Are you going to tell Freddie you like him or not?

He knows. He has to know.

I mean, maybe I didn't say it with literal words, but--

Oh, my God, he might not know.

Carly, if you want to be with Freddie,

you have to be an adult and tell him how you feel.

But I'm a-scared.

You will not be my best friend and use that baby voice.

Can I be your second best friend?

Look, if I tell him how I feel,

and he doesn't reciprocate...

I mean, you saw how bad I freaked out

when I lost pictures of Freddie.

But to lose the actual person?

I don't know if I could handle that.

Damn. That's a good point.

Maybe we are better as friends.

It's so comfortable. We just fit.

Oh!

Did you solve my problem?

Better, I solved my problem.

I'm gonna be better about asking what's going on with you.

Do you want eggs or something different?

I want a lot of things to be different.

Wow, you're still in that dress.

I can't wear it to my wedding,

but at least I can get my money's worth.

It works for so many occasions.

Name two.

Out of the lucid nightmare we all went through yesterday,

I had a new idea for your dress.

On your wedding day, you want to feel beautiful

but comfortable, sexy but chaste.

Exactly like...

Stevie Nicks in a convent at a wedding!

I love it.

Are you ready to say wow to the gown?

That depends.

Will you say wow to designing the gown?

Oh, I'll do it!

But it's going to be very expensive.

That's okay.

This naughty girl is worth it.

-Cappuccino? -It's a flat white.

Can nothing go right?!

Is that your suit from last night?

I couldn't sleep, so I took a walk.

Finally passed out on my couch

after nine episodes of Toledo House Flip.

Oh, did they flip it?

They always flip it.

I keep going over last night.

God, Carly planned this beautiful moment.

Technically, Spencer did most of the work.

And I ruined it.

I got stuck in the past, you know?

How much it hurt when we were kids

and Carly rejected me.

It was like there was this huge sign-- "Just Friends."

And I hate that that made me so angry.

Because I love being Carly's friend.

Have you talked to her today? Is she okay?

Honestly, last night really freaked her out.

She's worried you don't want to be friends at all.

What?

I-I have to see her. Is she home?

She left a note for you up in the studio.

* *

How did you...

I had Socko's cousin, Gizmo, fix my hard drive.

We've spent so much time on bad memories the last couple days,

I thought we owed it to ourselves

to look at some good ones.

Oh, my God. I could be my son.

Don't you remember?

That was the day that you named iCarly.

I, Internet. Carly, you.

But who else would've thought to put them together?

You were the one who named the show in the first place,

and you were the one who told me I could do it on my own.

You jumped in front of a taco truck to save my life.

And then you said we should wait to date

until the whole "hero" thing wore off, except...

Freddie, you're still my hero.

You're the person who I can always count on.

You're the person who makes me laugh,

and you're the person who pushes me to do the things

that I need to do, even when I really don't want to.

Like updating your phone?

Too soon, but yes.

And since I've never actually said it...

and you deserve to hear it.

And...

Okay, good talk.

Hey.

You can do this.

I like you, Freddie Benson.

And I want to be with you.

Carly, I need you to know...

...being your friend is not a consolation prize.

It is the best thing that I get to be.

If we try this, and it doesn't work...

I can't lose you.

I promise, no matter what, you never will.

Is this really happening?

I hope so.

It took us long enough.

* *

Ooh, let's do that again.

In five, four...

* *

A magnificent performance.

Right up there with my work as "brother/friend

who convinces Freddie that Carly doesn't like him."

Milady.

My man.

Ew.

We do not need to see that.

Don't listen to the haters, kids.

We can all be naughty girls together.

I don't want to kiss anymore.

Ooh!