Original subtitles

["[Everybody's Waitin' For] The Man with the Bag" by Kay Starr]

♪ Old Mr. Kringle is soon gonna jingle ♪

♪ The bells that'll tinkle all your troubles away ♪

♪ Everybody's waiting for the man with the bag ♪

♪ Because Christmas is coming again ♪

♪ He's got a sleigh full it's not gonna stay full ♪

♪ He's got stuff to drop at every stop of the way ♪

♪ Everybody's waiting for the man with the bag ♪

♪ Because Christmas is coming again ♪

♪ He'll be here

♪ With the answer to the prayers ♪

♪ That you've made through the year ♪

♪ You'll get yours

♪ If you've done everything you should extra special good ♪

♪ He'll make this December the one you'll remember ♪

♪ The best and the merriest you ever did have ♪

♪ Everybody's waiting for the man with the bag ♪

♪ Christmas is here again

♪ Old Mr. Kringle is soon gonna jingle ♪

♪ All the bells that'll tinkle all your troubles a way ♪

♪ Everybody's waiting for the man with the bag ♪

♪ Christmas is here again

♪ He's got a sleigh full and it's not gonna stay full ♪

♪ Got stuff that he's dropping every stop of the way ♪

-♪ Everybody's waiting for the man with the bag ♪ -[grunts and muffled shouts]

♪ Christmas is here again

♪ He'll be here

♪ With the answer to the prayers ♪

♪ That you've made through the year ♪

♪ You'll get yours

[man] Ted, are you home?

Ted, Ted, are you there, Ted?

It's-- it's Max and Tiger on the prowl.

You home?

You out drinking, you waste product?

What, are you screening your calls?

Ted.

Ted.

Ted!

I'm going.

-No, wait, hold on! -[sharp thud]

Hold it! Hold-- hold it!

One more. Just-- just-- just stay!

-[panting] -[soft rattle]

[soft thuds]

[deeply exhale] Frankie, you're home!

It's Max.

The hotels in this town.

Some mix up, I-- I don't wanna get into it right now,

but, uh, we're out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, me and the Tiger.

Yeah, you see, he says, "Hi."

Th-- that guest house, Frankie, that, uh, guest house.

We were wondering if we could, um, you know, crash in the--

Relatives?

No, yeah, no, no.

-No, of course, I know, just-- -[engine rumbling]

What?

What--

W-- y-- you serious?

We got a meeting.

Sure, sure, I-- I know where that is.

Farmers' market, tomorrow morning.

[chuckling] No, no, it is not too early.

[man on intercom] ...our final boarding call.

No, I'll be there! Thank you, Frankie.

God bless. [loudly sighs] That guy.

You're not going anywhere till we have this meeting.

-Good luck. -Come on, come on, just a couple more hours.

Put the bus ticket away, all right?

Where are we going to sleep?

I'm not gonna lie to you, all right?

I don't know.

I gotta go.

Wait, wait, wait!

In case you're not listening,

we have a meeting!

That's why we came out here in the first place.

Look, do not make me beg because I will, al-- all right,

I have no problem with this. Don't go.

I-- I don't have a problem doing this.

Tiger...

...don't go.

[crying] Please, don't go.

[engine rumbling]

Follow me. I have an idea.

[soft rattling]

Why are you climbing this fence?

[panting] Because this is the place where we stored your stuff.

I'll send for it when I get back.

What the hell do I want with my stuff?

Your stuff... [grunts] has a place to stay and we don't.

[Max shouts and grunts]

Okay, kid. Now, we'll be down.

I'm telling you, this will make your stuff stronger.

What, starving? Sleeping on the street another night?

Could you imagine how much edgier your next script is gonna to be

if you-- if you stick this out, if you draw from this experience?

Your next story will be coming from hunger.

-Hunger! -[loud clattering]

[crickets chirping]

-[chain jangling] -[sharp thuds]

We've gotta break in.

[indistinct mumbling]

[sharp thuds]

Look at you. Some spoiled rich kid, aren't you?

-Yeah, I am. But at least I'm a survivor... -[loud thud]

-...not a quitter, a loser like you. -[thuds continue]

Give me that.

[loud clattering]

[grunting]

[loud thuds]

[loud clattering]

-I don't like this. -You think I do?

Come on.

[Tiger] What was I thinking getting into business with you?

[Max] Would you stop with that already?

[Tiger] I thought your family had money.

[Max] I told you, they cut me out, okay?

Okay, which one's your bin?

-Look, this one's open. -[Max shushes]

[whispers] Must be unrented.

[Tiger] Let's stay here tonight.

[Max] Is this your bin?

-We'll find mine in the morning. -[Max sighs] Listen--

[loud creaking]

[soft thuds]

[soft buzzing]

[loud shouting]

[intense music]

[loud thuds]

[Max and Tiger screaming]

[Tiger] Up here.

Hurry!

-This way. -Fuck!

[indistinct chattering]

[loud thud]

[screams]

-Hey, man! -What?

[classical music]

What are you looking at?

-[Max shouts] Okay, run! -Hey, get back here!

[man shouts] Let me go, man!

[Max] Hurry, hurry!

[distant shouts]

[mysterious music]

[gasps]

[indistinct shouting]

[gasps]

[shouting] What do you want here?

To get his stuff!

W-- we just wanna see his stuff!

Don't lie to the man, Max!

Yeah.

Don't do that, Max.

We came out here a couple of months ago.

And things didn't quite work out the way you hoped they would?

Throw their asses out!

How many people can live here?

Go back to your bins.

-[shouts] Go on! -[woman] Go, go!

[indistinct shouting]

I'm the manager of this place.

As you can see, I got a lot of people living here.

If you guys intend to stay,

we're gonna have to work out a deal.

[panting] What kind of deal?

Don't get hostile with me, little man.

All depends on what I think you can afford.

I used to be a janitor in Jersey,

before we came out here.

Well, then you know what building maintenance is all about.

We've got a simpatico.

Name is Cliff.

Tiger.

-This is my partner, Max. -Hey man, how you doing, man?

You got a funny way about you, I'm not too sure about you yet.

[scoffs] You ever look in the mirror?

-[Cliff shouts] -[Max screaming]

-[loud thud] -[Cliff laughs]

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

Since it's Christmas, you know,

I'll let you stay with your stuff till New Year's,

and then I'll figure out the money.

-You got the paperwork? -Lost it.

Some identifiable piece of furniture?

A princess bed.

Yeah, I got a princess bed.

Kids.

You don't seem like the princess bed type to me.

Bad marriage.

She took our daughter.

[Cliff sighs]

Wives. They're bad.

[soft clicks]

This is our largest bin.

I was supposed to move you guys' stuff to a smaller one,

but I never got around to it.

[soft dripping]

You guys must be lucky.

Well...

...sleep tight.

[loud thud]

[loud thud]

Merry Christmas, Tiger.

[singing "O Mio Babbino Caro"]

Let's go.

[man] Hey, over here!

You believe this place is shut down?

Only an elf works on Christmas, right?

-[laughs] -What are you gonna do?

-Hi, I'm Arnie Setzer. -I'm Max.

This is Tiger.

Hey, listen, I'm glad Frankie put us together.

Oh, Frankie.

Come on, I'm right over here.

Hey, you boys hear about this Costume Killer?

Yeah, he just nailed his fourth victim.

-Christmas Eve, no less. -[grunts]

Uh, some USC co-ed in her apartment.

Holidays and some sick bastard is out killing people.

Uh, welcome to LA, right?

I should send him to see my ex. [laughs]

-[laughs] -So-- so what do you boys got?

Well, we've got a very hot idea for you.

Well, all it takes is one.

One very hot idea to do the trick, uh?

-[high-pitched hiss] -So go ahead, pitch me.

Okay. Um,

-Arnie, it's, uh, it's like this. -Uh-huh.

Um, I lived under this bridge,

and it's called the Hell Gate Bridge.

-[Arnie] Right. -And it loomed over the lives

of all the guys that lived under it.

This is their story.

Uh-huh.

We open, and one of the guys is getting married,

-but he's got cold feet. -Right.

The girl is a hairdresser in the neighborhood,

and the guy thinks that if he marries her,

he'll be stuck in that world forever.

And he's got dreams of being-- of being a singer

that he's afraid won't come true if he ties the knot.

So the friends, they help the singer overcome his fears

of-- of who they are, where they're from,

they-- they-- they inspire him

-to climb to the top of the bridge. -[bird chirping]

-That's it? -[Tiger] That's it.

-Very good. -Yeah, it's-- it's universal,

-it re-- really is. -Yeah.

I'm gonna level with you.

It's, uh, Diner.

Yes! Yes, that's it, exactly! Terrific!

No, not "terrific." See, Diner,

no way that movie gets made today.

Yours, same thing, no way it gets made.

And at this point in my career,

I-- I need to do things that get made.

Yeah, but-- but Dinergot made.

Yeah, but that was then. See, I need now.

-I-- I need fresh. -But wait,

when you hear the characters more specifically,

like-- like, there's this gay character--

Kid, kid, do you wanna get the movie made?

Go to Redford, he can do this kind of thing,

but me, I'm the guy that needs fresh.

I mean, shit, let's face it.

Every story in the world is already taken.

But if you got a fresh thing, a fresh thing, like,

like, uh, for example, fresh pasta, right?

It's better than not fresh pasta, right?

Fresh fish, fresh flowers,

fresh bread, it's-- it's all better than not fresh.

I'm telling you this and I'm not blowing smoke up your colon.

You find me fresh, I can get the De Niro,

I can do that. That's-- that's-- that's my guarantee.

Look, here's how you can reach me.

I'm a hard worker and I don't bullshit around.

You give me the right ammunition,

-I'm your pit bull. What do I need? -Fresh!

-Fresh. -[Arnie] Right.

And not too long, okay?

I mean, if you can get me something by New Year's Eve,

I might be able to get the money.

Look, I gotta brush.

Fresh.

[sharp thuds]

[tinkling]

Are these stars or are these quarters?

[shouting] Are we rich, Tige?

Come on, help me pick these up.

[Tiger] This is my last illegal act, Max.

[Max] Yeah, sure, great.

Hey, grab the newspaper,

it's a great place to find story ideas.

-"Costume Killer claims fifth victim." -[groans]

It's that serial killer Arnie was telling us about.

Christmas Eve and Christmas night.

This time a man, put him in a...

...rich-looking velvet smoking jacket

and a silk ascot, and filled him with window cleaner?

Sick, plastic bags!

Uh, guy's been busy like we should be.

Come on, let's get back to work.

Come on.

[groans] Oh! [gasps]

-Horrible. -Come on!

Look, "A witness saw a man in a silly red wig

leaving the scene of the crime."

[soft dripping]

[knocks on door]

Thanks for letting me read your screenplay, man,

it's wonderful.

Yeah, I guess. Thanks.

Well, um,

I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate what you do.

Being original, I mean.

I-- I know how hard that can be, because...

...well, anyway, I--

I just-- I just know.

[mimics laughs]

"He don't get no coffee order, he gets hot water,

-pour it over the old grinds." -That's pretty good.

-Oh, you like that? -Yeah.

Wait till you get a load of this, Pilgrim.

John Wayne!

-You could tell? -Of course I can tell.

God, you've got talent, Cliff.

Thanks, thanks.

I'll see you later.

You get back to work now.

[woman singing "O Mio Babbino Caro"]

Man, Arnie gives us a challenge and we fall apart.

How hard can it be to come up with something fresh, anyway?

Obviously very hard.

What do you think we've been doing?

I need a break, I need air.

Yeah, well, you know, come up with a twist to your heartfelt script

and you can have all the air you want.

What about you? What do you think

going through all those stupid magazines

-is gonna prove? -[sniffs]

Hey, you know what? I'm trying to catch a beat

on what's hip in this town.

[sniffs] I'm doing research.

[grunts] All right, come on.

Just throw one at me, pitch me.

What about the great bear hunt?

A group of guys go on a hunting trip

and turn on each other.

Why do they turn?

Because one guy finds out

that another guy on the trip is sleeping with his wife.

And?

And he freaks out!

Instead of hunting bears, they start hunting each other!

Man, this is tough.

-[high-pitch buzz] -[Tiger] What the--

-[Max] What happened? -How am I supposed to work

in this place? It's a dungeon. Now we got no light.

-[distant shouts] -[Max] Come on, let's-- let's just go talk

to your janitor friend. I can't believe

you let him read your script.

-[woman] ...back on! -[man] Hey!

[ominous music]

[panting]

[thuds]

[Tiger] Cliff?

-[knocks on door] -[soft rattling]

Cliff?

Cliff?

He's not home. [sighs]

[deeply exhales]

Maybe there's a switch.

[Max] A switch?

[suspenseful music]

Oh, hey.

here we go.

[Max] What a load of crap.

[Tiger] Up here.

There we go. Maybe it's a fuse box or-- yeah.

[Max] Fuse box, fuse-- uh...

That's weird.

Window cleaner... [sighs] plenty of it.

[Tiger] Yeah.

-[Max] Oh. -Over here.

Huh?

[Tiger] Oh my God.

-It's him. -[whisper] Cliff is the Costume Killer?

Is it possible?

This is his... lair.

[Max] That Hannibal Lecter guy.

Max, put that down. We're going.

Max, put that down, we're going!

Max, put that down, we're going!

-[soft rattling] -[footsteps receding]

[loud thud]

[soft rattling]

[ominous music]

-Plastic bags, window cleaner? -Yeah.

Unbelievable. What else could go wrong?

-What else? -W-- where are we going?

To the police, to let them know who the serial killer is.

Wait, fresh!

This is what Arnie was talking about, this is fresh.

Serial killers are not fresh.

Besides, this isn't an idea, Max, this is real.

You're not using your head.

You and the guy have a simpatico.

He's a janitor, you're a janitor.

It's obvious the guy likes you.

Great, I'll write to him on death row.

Tiger, think, please.

It's fresh because we will actually have the guy.

Have him? How will we have him?

We will have him to observe him,

to tap into his story with him from his point of view.

The POV from the other side of the plastic bag.

That's fresh!

No, no, that's accessory!

Tiger, wait.

Tiger, wait.

Do you think Shakespeare didn't know who Hamlet was?

Hamlet was a killer. He-- he killed several.

And Shakespeare knew him. He knew Hamlet.

He probably sat in a pub and had beers with him,

learned from him,

knew his innermost thoughts and his dreams,

and he set them down on paper.

I don't know what it is you're thinking we should do with him.

We'll approach him, tell him what we know,

and ask him to give us the exclusive on his life story.

How are we going to involve a serial killer

in the creative process?

[siren howling]

It's his story.

You're the writer.

He's gonna supply the story,

and I'll get Arnie to jump through hoops. This will be the freshest thing

he's ever heard in his entire life.

But we gotta take this shot.

Why should we let this thing go out into the cosmos

to be exploited a million ways till Tuesday,

which it will, and not be involved?

Why not control the quality?

[light dramatic music]

Why not let someone with your heart tell this story?

[whispers] He'll love that.

-And if he doesn't? -[sighs]

Then we'll turn him in. See it's-- it's easy,

we're not gonna let anything go wrong.

[siren howling in distance]

Look, I don't want this guy out on the streets

killing any more than you do,

but we gotta grab this opportunity now.

[whispering] If we don't, we may regret this for the rest of our lives.

-[soft clack] -[helicopter blades humming]

[soft thuds]

Cliff, there's something I need to tell you.

Me and Max, we went up to your place last night.

The lights went out, and--

I have to be honest with you, Cliff,

because it's the only thing I know how to do.

I sensed that about you, Tiger.

We saw the room where you keep all those mementos.

[soft rattles]

You went into my private room?

If I had seen the private sign,

I never would've entered, I swear.

But you did.

So, what do you want from me?

Well, what I need--

Are you or are you not the Costume Killer?

What are you offering if I am?

To write, with your permission,

your life story as a movie.

Boy, the script you did, living under the bridge,

not feeling like you're enough,

-I related, man. -Exactly my point.

Cliff, someone's gonna wind up telling your story.

Why not let it be me and Max so you have some control?

What the hell is he got to do with it?

-There are a lot of decisions to make... -[grunting]

...what to keep in the script, what to take out,

and you'll see, Max will be very helpful.

[panting] Boy, we're being very polite about this, aren't we?

I mean, considering the subject matter?

[grunts] This Costume Killer does horrible, horrible things.

[panting]

Injects his victims with window cleaner,

then puts weird costumes on them,

and plastic bags over their heads,

-then asphyxiates them. -[Tiger] No, you're right, there's--

there's nothing polite about it.

We'd like the right to explore that behavior,

if you really are the guy.

[shouting] I'm really the guy, you rug sucker!

I'm your goddamn Costume Killer!

You can bet your scrawny ass on that!

I came out here for the same thing everybody does.

Till I find out that they tore down that pharmacy.

What was the, uh--

[indistinct]

What was the name?

[shouts] God!

What was the name?

Tell me!

What was the name of that goddamn--

Hey, tell you what.

You tell me the name of this goddamn pharmacy,

you've got yourselves a story.

Uh, uh, shit.

Uh, uh, Thrifty.

Uh, Woolworths.

-CVS! Sav-On! -Uh, Rite Aid!

-[grunts] -Genovese?

Here's a hint. Somebody famous

was discovered there.

Oh, oh! Uh, uh, uh, James Dean, right?

No, stupid.

You stupid fag!

Maybe I ought to kill you!

Wait, Cliff, um, guy or girl?

Girl.

You're lucky he's your partner,

otherwise you'd be wearing a plastic bag.

-Harlow. Dietrich. -No. No.

I got it. [shouts] Lana Turner, Swabs!

[shouts] Swabs, bingo!

Bingo.

[Cliff] Lana Turner.

Yeah. Beautiful.

Lana Turner was discovered at Swabs,

and nothing is the same since they tore down that pharmacy.

Nobody like Lana Turner

could ever be discovered there again.

This used to be a town, now it's a parking lot.

Valet everything.

Park your car at the state line.

Sure, I like Nicholson. Why not?

This town used to have class.

Used to be room in this town for a guy like me.

Oh, there still is, Cliff.

There still is.

[upbeat jazz music]

-[Max] Arnie, hey! -Oh yeah, good, hi, hi, hi.

Come on.

[groans] Closed.

Damn, these holidays, I'm trying to make a living here.

All right, come on, come here, come here.

Now look, uh, I got your message.

Man, does anybody else know about this?

No, of course not.

And he is...

-...he is who you say he is? -W--

what are you offering if he is?

Oh, you kids, you kids.

You brought me a truck full of risks.

Moral risks, legal risks, dollar, fiscal, economic.

Help me, I'm stuck, my Freudian skirt is showing.

I mean, sure, sure, I wanna make a buck,

but why art versus commerce?

Why not make them friends? Maybe they'll get along,

-we'll win a prize, we'll have-- -Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Just tell us what you're offering.

All right, come here. Walk with me. Walk with me.

It's the quality of this project that attracts me,

and quality comes with problems, everybody knows it.

That's why there's no quality in this fucking town.

You ever notice that? That's why.

If there's a message, there's risks.

And what else is art but a series of risks.

And the artist, the guy willing to take them.

Hey, just answer the question.

[deeply sighs] All right, here's what I offer.

The money, okay? The money.

All of it, full finance, one-stop shopping.

-How can you be so sure? -Because this is the hottest thing in town.

Based on a true story? They bleed for this sort of thing out here, they bleed.

-[Max] So when do we start? -As soon as I get proof.

[Tiger] How are we gonna do that?

How the hell am I supposed to know?

But do it, and we'll move on to the money guy.

Yeah, I don't think we can do that.

Oh, of course you can, sure you can.

And soon. Time is of the essence.

Where's he going? What is the story with this guy?

-How are we supposed to get proof? -Man, he can't even buy us

a cup of coffee? Yeah, how come

every place we're supposed to meet this guy is closed?

-How do we get proof? -Does he even own a car?

[sighs] We're gonna have to follow him.

Who, Arnie?

No, Cliff.

Follow Cliff?

Yeah.

You think Arnie and the money guy

are gonna take our word for it as witnesses?

Never.

Maybe we could tape record him.

Oh, I see. We wait until he kills again

and then we tape record the sounds of him killing?

I don't think that's a very-- wait.

Oh, I got it, I got it!

[upbeat jazz music]

[children chattering]

[screaming] Help me!

[continues screaming]

[boy] Hey, my video camera!

[sharp thuds]

[sharp grunts]

He seems like such a focused individual.

Which I imagine you got to be in order to do what he does.

Man, what I'd do to have a handgun right now.

Come on, little fucker!

[Max] Why don't you take the lead on this?

The guy just doesn't care for me.

No, that's true, he doesn't.

-[grunting] -Why do we have to be so disagreeable?

I'll stop now. Just say the word, Max.

Oh, no, no. I'm all right.

[shouting] You want some more?

Fuck you! Fuck you!

-Fuck you! -[whispers] Let's do it. [sighs]

Fuck you!

[crickets chirping]

Fuck!

[indistinct muttering]

[shouts]

[loud rattling]

[thud]

Fucking cocksucker!

[cat growling]

[Tiger] Look at those weird movements.

-[Max] Oh boy. -He stopped.

That guy is going in. He's going in.

[gasps] My God, this is how he does it.

If the movie about this guy ain't a horror flick,

I'm your Aunt Irene.

-[dog barking] -[Tiger] He's getting up.

-[door bangs] -Look!

[Max] Feels like we're making a movie.

-I'm having trouble breathing. -[Max] That's good, that's good,

-that's what we want our audience to feel. -You getting this?

You know, I can't really see that great from here.

-[Tiger gasps] -Oh man, look at that.

[panting] Come on, let's get closer.

-[grunts] -[sharp thuds]

[muffled moans]

-[Tiger] I'm going in. -Don't be a hero.

I just need a good angle and then we're done.

[Tiger] I thought I could handle this, but now I know.

-I think I'm gonna be sick. -Oh no, you're gonna be fine,

yo-- you're gonna be fine, all right?

Just hang in there. Now give me a hand.

I can't quite aim this. Oh, I got it.

Got it.

-He's doing the costume thing! -[gasping]

Oh, he's on the move! He's on the move!

[Tiger grunts] It's blocked!

-[moaning] -[shushes]

[Tiger panting] W-- we got to stop him!

[shushing] He hasn't done anything yet.

We can't prove anything.

-[thud] -Oh, oh no!

[ominous music]

Oh no!

[panting]

-[soft rattling] -Include this. Follow me.

Keep that thing rolling!

[Max whispers] Okay, all right.

-Got it? Okay. -I got it.

[light dramatic music]

[dog barking]

-[Max grunts] -[shushes]

Like an episode of Cops.

[grunts]

[Tiger] There.

Get this!

-All right! -[grunts]

-Okay. -[thud]

-[grunts] -[sharp cracks]

[shouting] Stop! Stop killing!

[Max] I got it, I got it. We're good.

You're on the way, I can't see.

-[light hissing] -Man.

I'm a directing student at USC.

[softly scoffs]

Hey, cheer up, guys!

-You're heroes. -That's right.

I mean, if Cliff really was the killer,

then you were willing to risk your lives to save Ivan.

Who is Ivan?

Ivan, the actor playing the victim.

[Max] Oh, yeah.

Very convincing.

[Tiger] And so are you, Cliff.

And that doesn't just happen by accident, you know.

He worked very hard at researching this role.

That explains the press clippings. [sighs]

Hey, Nikki demands reality, Tiger.

But I gotta tell you, man, this was better

than any acting class I could've ever taken

because one minute I'm doing research

about a serial killer and the next minute,

bam! I'm cast.

I haven't felt this good about my work in a long time.

[crickets softly chirping]

What I wanna know is why were you guys running around

-filming the Costume Killer? -[Cliff] Yeah.

We were getting proof that Cliff was who he said he was.

-[soft clatter] -I thought you believed me.

[Max] We believed you,

it's just that the guy we hooked up with,

who is interested in financing the picture,

he just wanted some proof from us that you were

-who you said you were. -[sharp thud]

[chuckling] Oh, and I thought I was brave.

Jesus.

-And you're the writer? -Yeah.

I'm Tiger. Max is my partner.

Yeah, Max is, uh, the idea man. [snorts]

[Nikki] Tiger. That's a fun name.

-Thank you. -So you guys got money on the line?

Not now, we don't.

-Why not? -What do you mean, why not?

Look, we needed to have the real killer.

You need real, make real. Create it.

[scoffs]

Now that'd be brave.

How?

I'm sure what you've already got on that camera of yours

is probably good enough to scare the shit out of this producer,

but if you need more, you could piece something together.

Piece together what?

The rest of the killing.

You guys got up to what, the syringe part, right?

-Yeah, I got that. -Perfect.

Just set up the shot that you need to cover

what happened after you came in

and splice it together with what you already have.

And then you can tell this guy of yours

that you not only have the Costume Killer,

but you managed to keep him from killing victim number six.

-[chuckles] -[Tiger] But we could never do that.

Well, I could.

I've got all the editing equipment you need to use at school.

Okay.

That's a very sweet offer, but what's in it for you?

[chuckles] I don't know, you figure it out, you're the idea guy.

Tiger is a writer.

Cliff is an actor.

You already have a producer.

Sounds like you're missing one thing.

A director.

It'd be nice to have that support from you guys.

[upbeat jazz music]

Oh, I'll Mace you!

You guys, you guys, do you know where we are?

I mean, I know you're from out of town, but please,

do not ask me to come east of the tar pits, okay?

-This place is Shitsville, you know what I'm saying-- -I--

I haven't heard a word of gratitude from you

regarding our video.

-Oh, your video? Ooh, yes. -Yeah.

-Your video was some very fresh stuff. -Yeah.

-I nearly passed out from the freshness. -Okay, so, are you ready?

-Hey, that's why I'm here. I need to meet the guy. -Okay.

-Whoa, whoa, what are you doing? -[Max] What does it look like?

What are we doing? You guys are some natural born killers, or what?

-Come on! -We gonna play pin the tail on the donkey, huh, huh?

-Where's the pinata? -Just be quiet.

What do I do, spin around three times fast?

No, no, you just relax, all right?

[whooshing]

[deeply exhales]

So, you kill.

Yeah.

I like your intensity.

Thank you.

You got a great--

a great quality.

You ever think about a career?

-Oh, yeah. -I could see that, you know,

I... [stutters] I could see.

So, I was thinking maybe we should get to know one another

since, uh, well, I'm thinking of selling you.

Know your product.

Exactly.

I'm just fundamentally misunderstood.

[Arnie] Oh, I could see that.

Don't ask me why.

-Well, that's what w-- -Maybe it's the way I part my hair.

-That's what we-- -Maybe it's the color of my eyes.

Well, that's what we're here to discover.

What?

The source of the mystery.

You know, uh, wha-- what makes a mystery a mystery, as in, uh,

what's it all about?

Human nature.

Ah, now you see.

-I got nature, man. -Yeah, I can see that.

-I'm not simple. -No.

I don't just kill for kicks.

[loud rattling]

I'm not that type.

I've known that type...

-Right. No. -...but I'm not that type.

I'm different. I'm special.

Right

Huh?

What? Okay.

Okay.

No.

I'm special.

I like the way you think.

I like your socks, man. You got nice socks.

Oh, yeah, thank you.

So, you're observant, too.

[Cliff] Oh, yeah.

-Let's talk. -We're talking.

Right, but let's talk,

talk-talk business, to sell, how to sell.

Hav-- have you-- have you ever thought about that?

I told you I don't just kill for kicks.

Oh, you're a sensitive guy.

I'm fucked up.

Oh, but you're sensitive.

I never got what I wanted.

I never got what I deserved.

I was passed over.

And, uh, and that's why you kill?

That's why I came to Hollywood.

Middle of this country fucked me up.

Hollywood cured me.

Now I kill.

Now I'm worth something.

-Aren't I? -[Arnie] Huh?

Worth something.

-Absolutely. -Good.

Glad we understand one another.

These boys, they're working hard for you.

-I like them. -Oh, they like you.

I like them. You think?

-Yeah, yeah. -Because I'm always afraid I turn people off.

-No way, Jose. -"I guess I'm just insecure."

Oh, no, hey, hey, who isn't, right?

I'm insecure. [panting]

You don't think I'm insecure?

I like you, Arnold.

Hey, hey, you know what?

[deeply exhale]

This is nice.

-You're really a nice guy. -You think?

A--- absolutely. A-- and-- and hey,

if you don't mind my saying this,

this-- this costume stuff, the-- don't do it anymore.

You know, when you're in a deal and you're working on things, uh,

i-- you don't wanna-- it gets sloppy.

You don't what I'm saying? I mean, you did your job, now let us do ours.

Give yourself a rest. You deserve a break.

-You really mean that? -Would I say it if I didn't mean it?

I love you, man.

[crying] Jesus, Arn!

What?

I love you, too, man.

Oh, hey.

No.

[crying]

Are we in agreement?

Let's make a movie.

I love this guy, I'm telling you, boys.

This-- this is, you know, like a living, breathing project, don't you think?

[loud rattling]

I got one question, though.

What's with the broad?

[loud buzzing]

She's gonna be the director.

Oh, an attachment.

No, I hate attachments. Just--

how many people are on this project?

-Just her. -Yeah, her, you, and Max.

And you, and that can change very quickly--

Hey, maxi pad, who's the killer now, huh?

Wait, wait, wait, don't call me that.

Then be my bitch, that's prison talk.

-You-- -[loud rattling]

[shouting] Hey! Hey, hey, take it easy,

take it easy!

-Both of you. -You kn-- you know what? He doesn't do anything.

We take all the risk and he is bitching

-about the cast list? -Excuse me, hey, see this,

the way we're fighting? That's a good sign.

Oh, you know what? I don't think it's a good sign,

-okay? -That's because you never made a movie.

I'm telling you, when people

go for the throat this early,

that means there's money to be made.

Now get me out of here.

[loud rattling]

Look, about this girl. Just let me meet with her.

Maybe-- maybe see some of her film footage of something.

I'm not gonna fight you on this, I just--

I wanna hear her take, her vision.

Well, that sounds fair.

But we have to talk to Nikki first.

But in the meantime, do we have a deal on that?

No, not yet.

Let us talk it over and, uh,

then we'll come back in and we'll make a deal.

Until then, don't do a thing.

All right, I won't.

But the money guy is having a New Year's Eve party,

and that's when I wanna pitch this to him.

I hope we're right about this Nikki chick.

[Nikki moans]

You are so good as a killer.

I had the best teacher.

She's perfect.

She's gonna keep the integrity.

-[Nikki grunts] -[thuds]

Strip.

Now.

Take off your pants.

I wanna have it right now.

Here?

Right here.

[Nikki grunts and pants]

Right on the king's bed.

-Like a princess. -[deeply exhales]

[moans] I'm so turned on.

[whispering] It's like you're really this killer,

and if I don't do exactly what you say,

you'll rip me to pieces. [gasps]

[both moans]

[Nikki moans]

[deeply inhales and exhales]

-[door rattling] -Shit.

-Shit. -[groans]

-[indistinct chatter] -[deeply sighs]

[Max] ...just the other two.

Hey, where's the team?

-Nikki, we need to talk. -Huh?

What is it?

How do you feel meeting with Arnie?

-You know, maybe show him some footage. -Fine.

Good, that's-- that's what we told him.

In fact, I'll put something special together.

I'll start tonight, I think all of us should be involved.

I little cinema verité.

Get them in the mood for the tone of this piece.

Yeah. Yeah, I do write poetry.

[chuckles] E. E. Cummings, Robert Frost.

-I would love to see your dorm room. -[gasps]

Are you rich?

-I-- is this goose acrylic? -Mm-hmm.

Are you laughing?

All right.

How was I supposed to know?

Locked in the attic,

tied to my grandmother,

beaten-- beaten--

[shouts] beaten by my drunken father!

Of course I'm kidding, kiddo.

Can't you take a joke?

Don't you know when a guy's kidding?

I'm playing with you, Bright Teeth.

[shouting] Hey, hey, where you going? Get away from that door!

Hey, Bright Teeth, do me a favor.

[sharp thud]

-Put this on your head. -[moans]

Oh, come on.

Humor me, you stupid-- I didn't mean that.

[whispers] Just relax.

Oh...

-...oh God, you look good in that thing. -[sharply exhales]

How you doing in there, Bright Teeth?

Maxine?

-[sharp buzz] -I'm gonna call you Ginger now.

-You don't mind I call you Ginger, do you, Max? -[soft rattling]

God, you look good in that.

Oh, I wanna bite you so hard.

-I wanna pop your plastic-- -[Max] Okay, okay!

-Okay, we got enough. -Hey, hey, hey, don't breathe so hard,

-you'll use up all your oxygen, it's just a small bag. -Okay! Hey, hey!

-I said we got enough, Cliff. Didn't you hear me? I said stop! -A girl like you,

-so perfect, Ginger. A girl like you! -[grunting]

Nikki, I wanna cut away now, because I-- I just don't want

-to do this anymore. Hey, freak! -"Hello, little lady."

Why don't you give it a rest, all right?

"...about the lambs, Clarice?"

I'm not feeling very well.

Uncle!

"What have I ever done to deserve such disrespect?

-Tell me. Huh? Huh? -[panting]

-Huh?" -Uncle! Uncle!

-"Ladies! Yuh-huh!" -Please, I can't! God!

-"Hey, Jean!" -[shouting] Cut! [gasping] This is not--

-"Oh, lady... [indistinct]" -Cut! Cut!

[Max gasping] Fuck!

Fuck, yeah!

[Tiger] That was fantastic.

Arnie's gonna love this, it's brilliant!

What's up with the impersonations?

Come on, Max, Cliff was great!

[panting]

Gonna get some air.

[soft thud]

[ominous music]

[heavy breathing]

[heavy breathing continues]

[clattering]

[loud thud]

[grunting]

-[Tiger] Hmm. You know, you two gotta admit... -[laughs]

...this whole thing is starting to get a little weird.

It's going perfectly, I think Cliff is doing a terrific job.

-[scoffs] -I wake up in the morning,

I think that he's really the killer!

Creatively, I'm on fire. I mean,

isn't that what you wanted out of this, Max?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

but this whole acting thing,

watching Cliff doing these stupid voices,

it's not my cup of Joe.

-Can't stand the heat. -[Max] Oh, listen to you.

Now we know Cliff's no killer,

-you're suddenly all into this. -Exactly.

I get to write the script and suffer none of the guilt.

-What's wrong with that? -What's wrong with that?

Well, just wait till we caught,

then you'll know what's wrong with that.

So we get caught, so what?

I'll just make a movie about that experience.

How hunger turned two artists into sniveling vermin

-while selling their souls to make-- -Hey, hey, hey, hey, easy.

[Nikki] Mm...

"...Costume Killer claims sixth victim."

Look at that.

Boy's been busy.

[Max] Oh, no, this is not good.

It's-- it's like I was trying to say, this is-- this is weird.

-Six. -If I were you guys,

I would hurry up and make that deal with Arnie,

like quick, right now.

-Why? -Because if you wait,

the killer may get caught, and if the killer gets caught--

Oh my God.

Shit.

If the world knows who the killer is,

and it isn't Cliff, game is over.

[toilet flushing]

-[children chattering] -[Max shouts] Hey!

-Get over here. -Huh?

-Hey. -[Arnie] Hi.

Hey, Arnie, we-- we had a little trouble finding you.

Wha-- what happened with the office?

Oh, I-- I've been working hard for you, boys.

Reconnecting, plowing soil,

calling in some personal favors, and guess what.

We're 99% in!

-That sounds terrific! -Wait, wait, wait... [stutters] wait a second.

What ar-- what are you saying? In where?

With the money guy, you putz.

I called the money guy, I told him the idea,

he loves the subject matter,

and I think it's time to talk deal.

Wait, what-- what right do you have pitching anything?

We don't have a deal.

-I know. That's why it's time to talk. -[Tiger] Right.

You're scum, you know that?

How could you do that to us, scumbag?

Hey, animal lover, wake up and smell the money, okay?

-This is the big leagues. -Big leagues?

You live in the park!

-I'm on to you, pal. -Are you out of your mind?

Huh, you see that 450 SL over there?

That's my ride, baby.

I'm going through an ugly divorce.

I'm living out of my shaving kit

for my children, okay?

For my children.

Now back off, I wanna make a deal.

-So do I. -Hey, he's still our man.

So he's your man, big shit. Take him to prison.

Turn yourselves in.

But in this town we go by the book,

and I'm the guy with the connections.

Now, I want 50% of everything you get for it.

-Half? What are you, out of your mind? -Half?

You don't like it, there's the street. Take a hike.

What are you talking about, half? A third tops, maybe,

-and not a penny more. -And you take this deal before I asked for 90%.

I'm being nice because you're new in town.

[shouting] 50%? You ought to be ashamed of yourself,

-you scumbag! You scumbag! -Hey, hey, hey, hey! Look,

-look, your mother, you know, your mother? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Yeah, what-- Oh, come-- -Let go of her nipple, all right?

-Scumbag! Oh, yeah? -Let go of her nipple. Why don't you learn some new words?

-Like business, like success. -Uh-huh.

-Like scumbag! Scumbag! -You wanna do business? There's the pen,

-sign the paper. -All right, that's it!

-You wanna make money? -Come on! Tiger, Tiger,

-come on, let's go. Nikki... -Come on, Tiger.

...come on, we don't need this.

There's no need for you to leave.

-You're the artist, okay. -Excuse me.

You're the talent.

-This is the art. -Excuse me.

Listen, you lowball chiseler,

if you don't do what I say, you are going to lose this deal.

[shushes] I'm negotiating.

-They'll come back. -Give them the deal that they want.

It's a fucking paper napkin.

It's just gonna get renegotiated anyway.

Don't stick your nose into the business.

-Don't worry about it, I'm doing business-- -No, you don't get it.

I own this killer.

If I walk right now, I'm gonna have to send Cliff down here

to fit you for your own special costume.

[birds chirping]

You know the one I'm talking about,

with the plastic bag and the window cleaner.

-Who are you, Sidney Sheldon? -You wanna make a deal?

-I got happy feet. -Yes, yes, okay?

A thousand times yes, Nikki.

Get them back.

Hey guys, come on.

[Nikki sighs]

Arnie, you got something to say to these guys?

Minor adjustment, okay?

30, 30, 30.

Come on, come on, sign the paper.

Let's make a deal.

[upbeat jazz music]

[engine rumbling]

[clacking]

To Tiger,

-our scribe. -[Max] Hear, hear!

-[Arnie] Hear, hear! -[Nikki] Hear, Tiger.

[Arnie] Here you go. You kids.

You know, this reminds me of my beginning.

When I was a killer, my first success,

You had a success?

-W-- why did he have to do this? -Don't listen to him, Santa,

don't listen to him. Tell us a war story.

Yeah, Arnie.

Tell us a what a killer you are.

Okay, I think I will.

Here's a hint, an island show.

Come on, try to guess. Here, here, wait.

♪ Three hour tour

-Gilligan's Island. -Gilligan's Island, that's right.

There was a kid on Sunset Strip, he was-- he was hot,

and he was set to play the part of Gilligan.

-Bob Denver? -No, no, Denver was a comic.

This kid, he was a, uh,

impersonator. So,

this guy had the part, I mean, it was a done deal.

So I get on the phone, and I call my guy at the network,

and I call him and I say, "I know this impersonator.

I know him well," I lied, "And he shoots heroin,

and he fucks little girls."

-[Nikki chuckles] -Get this, I said this!

And you know what? He believed me.

And this impersonator, he was through.

So then I tell them, "Have a look at my friend,

Bob Denver."

Huh? Huh?

-[Tiger] Bob Denver, you're-- -[chuckling] This impersonator,

he was finished, he never worked again.

That's my killer instinct.

That's what I bring to this project.

So, what do you think?

What lead actor should we offer this role to?

Mm...

[thud]

[rattling]

What'd I say?

I-- I think it's tough for Cliff

to think about some boring actor

playing him in a movie about himself.

[Arnie] I never thought of it that way. But tell him to lighten up.

I mean, the money guy tomorrow is having this New Year's Eve party,

he wants us all to come, he wants me to bring Cliff.

Well, wait, let me ask you something, Einstein.

You were gonna bring a serial killer

to a New Year's Eve get-together?

As a matter of fact, I was. I think it's a good idea.

I don't know who you think this money guy is,

but don't you think that's kind of risky?

No, the guy's an animal fucker,

a sick, sexual pervert.

This guy loves snuff movies, he thinks our movie

is the closest thing to get his rocks off.

In fact, if this guy was still married,

he'd want Cliff to swing with his wife.

Terrific. That's who we're in business with.

An animal fornicator.

You know, it takes all kinds of patrons

to fund the arts, Tiger. It's just a fact of life.

[stutters] Wa-- wait a minute.

Snuff films and the animal thing--

th-- the important thing is the script stays

exactly the way that Tiger wrote it.

That's right, Nikki. That's what you need to be

most concerned with.

I am concerned with that.

If this guy's into necrophilia, that's his business.

Our business is getting this fucking movie made. Period.

I'll fight him just like I'll fight any other executive.

-After I have his money. -[Arnie] Listen to this girl.

She's old beyond her years.

That chick is made of ice.

I think that's what it takes to be great director.

Yeah, I think that's what it takes to chill a martini.

I'm not sure I like it in human qualities.

-She's got a lot of ambition. -She's a chainsaw,

and I'm scared we're gonna get sawed off

the same way she just did to poor Cliff.

We won't let that happen.

I know you've been there.

-What? -Don't give me that "what" shit.

She gave it up and you took it.

Let me give you a little advice about women like her.

The fucking you get ain't worth the fucking you get, okay?

-What does that mean? -B--

Why don't you ask your buddy Cliff what that means?

[jazz music]

I think we better have a word with Cliff.

[loud squeaking]

He's gone. He's completely gone.

Well, of course he's gone.

He took what was left of his pride and split.

What was he gonna do, wait around for her to rip his other testicle off?

-We've gotta find him. -[scoffs] Why?

Because he might blow the deal.

You know, you're as bad as the ice queen.

Do you or do you not want this deal to work out?

What do you think?

Okay then, let's find him.

[engines rumbling]

[alarm wailing]

[music continues]

[thuds]

Mm...

Oh...

...I was hoping you would come.

[softly moans]

Oh, don't be mad at me, baby.

There was nothing I could do.

[whispers] Just wait till they get me the money.

I wanna be the one that discovers you, baby.

I wanna make you a big star.

Starring in the Nikki Randall picture.

[music continues]

I'll fire them...

[whispers] ...and I'll hire you.

God, this is turning me on.

Is that why you're shooting me, baby?

You wanna see what I look like in front of the lens?

Mm?

[softly] I wanna be your director.

I wanna fill the screen...

...with lots and lots...

...of big, beautiful close ups.

How's that sound?

[ominous music]

That's not funny, baby.

[suspenseful music]

Oh God!

[Nikki whimpers]

-[sharp thuds] -[rattling]

[indistinct chatter and laughs]

[glass tinkling]

[inspirational piano music]

-Excuse me, would you care for-- -[man] Yeah.

[women laugh]

So, where is your girlfriend?

Shut up with that. Nikki is not my girlfriend.

No director, no killer.

-[Arnie indistinct chatter] -I don't wanna blow this.

Don't worry, we're not gonna blow it.

I think there's a role in this for you.

-You know, Keanu was at this party... -Arnie. Arnie.

-...he gave me this-- -What's up with this guy?

-[both] Arnie! -Excuse me, Mary Ann.

Guys, guys, I'm trying to fuck this mud wrestler,

all right? Give me a minute.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Cliff split. He's gone.

-What do you mean, he's gone? -Disappeared without a trace.

I need him here. I need him here to make this deal.

-Where's Nikki? -Not here yet.

Je-- All right, look.

I gotta tell Wolfie, I gotta tell him right now. Let's go.

Are you an actress? Mm,

it's been a while since I've been here.

Boy, this place goes on forever.

[indistinct muttering]

Try this door.

Whoa, Wolf!

-Hey! -Whoa, Arnie!

-Come in, come in, come in, come in. -Hey.

Say hello to, uh, Eugenia.

-Hi. -Hello, hello.

These men make movies.

-Eugenia's an actress. -No kidding? That's-- that's terrific.

Thanks. Well, I'll let you get back to work, sweetie.

Okay, honey. Mm.

-Happy new year. -Happy new year.

You too.

Are these Dorothy's slippers?

[Wolfie] You bet they are.

[Tiger] And Glinda's magic wand!

But, man, you have everything!

Everything but the Tin Man's hat.

This stuff is, uh, is very expensive, right?

Uh, money is the easy part,

it's not having the hat that gets me.

-Mm. -You know, I need it.

Just like I need to make a great film.

Uh, and let me tell you something.

Your project has a chance to be great.

-Thanks. -Yeah, oh,

-uh, Max Brodsky-- -Brodsky.

-Nice to meet you. -And Tiger Macquarie, screenplay.

To make a movie about a real killer

that's still killing.

That's an event, it's showmanship.

And that's what movies are all about.

It has been the thrill of my life to write so dark.

So, where is the man of the hour?

Well, um... [stutters] Wolf, the guy is not what, um,

what you would call, uh, collaborative.

Of course not, he's a serial killer, Arn.

[chuckles]

Now, where is he?

Yeah, well, you know, i-- it's a party,

-he doesn't wanna hurt anyone. -Right. No.

Half the people here I want dead anyway.

It's about his identity. He doesn't want to get caught.

Then why did you bother coming?

To talk deal.

Deal? The pâté is by the pool.

Go on, beat it.

Look, Wolf. I came up here to tell you the guy--

You expect me to give you something for nothing?

No, of course not, but-- but listen, I would at least--

"But, but--" nothing. Stop wasting my time.

Look, I can deliver this guy.

My partners, they can deliver this guy.

-He's ours. -We work very well with him.

Then where is he?

You know, frankly, I'm a little--

I'm a little insulted by you.

You can't trust me and talk deal?

I need to meet the guy!

-I have the guy! -Then where is he?

"Sin, sin, sin.

You're all sinners. Every last one of you."

[chuckling] Oh! Arn,

you had me going, you son of a bitch.

The team. First meeting with the money.

These guys happen to mention they live in a self-storage container?

-What? -[chuckles] He's-- he's kidding,

-He's a kidder. -[Cliff laughs]

Making a movie with a killer, living in a bin.

It's-- it's high risk,

high art, low rent.

See?

This is showmanship.

I came to tell you that I want my role.

This might not be the perfect time.

No, wait, wait, wait, let him talk.

Go ahead.

And...

...I would like to audition for you.

Well, Wolf, listen. We were...

...we were talking name actors for the role,

and Cliff's a little upset.

I'm a good actor, you little has-been.

-Yeah, but you're also a very good killer. -I'm a good actor.

-You're also a very good killer. -I'm a good actor.

-I'm a good actor! -You can't--

can't do both, you can't do both!

-Well, I have done both. -Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I have done both! A killer and actor,

I have done both!

"You expect me to talk?"

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die."

He's very good.

"Mister, mister, I'm talking to you, Mister.

Mister, mister."

"Definitely-- definitely not my underwear.

-Definitely not my underwear." -Ugh, come on!

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

"With the hey, and the lady, and the flaigen,

and the ho, and the hi.

Humding with the flaigen, and the ho, and the lady--"

-[Arnie] Hey! Hey! -"And the High Dean, with the-- I'll get you,

with the floigen and the ho, and the hi, and the--"

-Hey, hey, will yo-- will you stop already? -What?

Let's try to make a movie, okay?

Stop your killing, and then,

maybe we'll talk about an acting career.

I already had an acting career till you destroyed it.

Wh-- [stutters] what? I destroyed what?

I'm the guy.

[shouts] What guy?

I'm the impersonator that had the role of Gilligan.

-[Max] What? -And now I'm gonna kill you.

-No. No. -Yeah, I'm gonna kill you.

-Hey, hey, hey... -I'm gonna kill you!

-I'm gonna fucking kill you! -[all shouting]

-Fucking kill you! -[Wolfie] Hey! Hey!

-Hey! -I'm gonna kill.

-I'm gonna kill. -Hey!

You see this?

Every day I get guys trying to sell me one of these.

Bunch of garage mechanics with oil cans.

Every one of them worthless.

[Arnie] So, what's your point?

I want the Tin Man's hat.

Hell, I need the Tin Man's hat.

But, if I don't buy it, then I don't buy it.

Don't buy what?

No way is this guy a killer.

How can you say that, you son of a bitch?

-Hey, hey, hey, hey! -[Wolfie] Hello?

He's not-- [stutters] He's kidding,

-he's only kidding. -Fuck you,

-"I'm kidding." I'm serious! -Hey! Whoa, whoa!

He's got a foul mouth. Will you watch it?

What do you want to do? I'm trying to make a deal--

...down stars, Arn, before I stick

-my fist down your throat! -Oh, yeah? Yeah? Well...

-[unintelligible] ...make a deal with a killer... -Hey, hey!

-Calm down! Will you talk to your partner? -Max, Max!

Can I say something here?

...with the killer! And you think

-you can threaten me? -Watch out.

-Okay, wait-- [stutters] -Watch out!

-Let's chat about it, okay? -Hey, hey, guys, guys,

-guys, come on. -I'd just like to say one thing.

You have the script. That's his life.

-Isn't that proof enough? -I didn't read the script,

-I don't need to. -Too bad!

You've got yourselves a counterfeit,

-and I'm not buying. -[Arnie] How can you even say that?

-This is the real McCoy! -"O, what a rogue

and peasant slave am I.

Is it not monstrous that this player,

but in a fiction, in a dream of passion,

could force his soul so to his own conceit."

-Hamlet. It's appropriate. -Oh, come on. I give up.

"Tears in his eyes, distraction his aspect,

a broken voice."

-What the hell is he doing? -Showing you he's a killer.

"...conceit?

And all for nothing!

For...

Hecuba."

Hey actor, enough. It's not gonna work.

You know, I don't care how much money you have.

That was rude.

The party is downstairs, pal.

[click]

[tense music]

What is this?

[ominous music]

Is he another one of yours, Arn?

You see, I'm the one

you're looking to do business with.

Look, fella, I don't know how you heard about this project,

but there's no more room, okay?

-I think there's something that might change your mind. -No, no, no,

there's nothing you're gonna be able to say or do

to change my mind, all right? Now, take--

[dramatic music]

What-- Oh my--

Oh boy.

-Nikki. -Oh boy.

-Nikki. -[Max] Nikki!

How can it be Nikki?

[gasps]

I have this decapitation on video,

in case anyone has a problem believing who I am.

I-- I don't have a problem.

Good.

-[thud] -[Max grunts]

[groans]

Do you think I'm an idiot? Is that what you think? Mm?

[Max] You broke my nose!

He broke my nose! Help me!

-Who wants to die for Max? -[soft squish]

[Max] Oh, come on!

[groans continues]

Come on!

Didn't think so.

[gasps]

Sorry, Max.

[gasps]

[Max grunts]

Nikki.

I know she was your girlfriend.

Sorry, but she was using my life to make herself famous.

And that is a kind of selfishness

that I simply will not tolerate.

Excuse me one moment.

[Wolfie grunts and moans]

Why don't you sit in here?

[Max] Dear God, he's gonna kill us all!

Shut up, Max.

-[Max groans] -Stuck me in the butt.

[Max] God!

[Max] What about me? I'm bleeding here!

Max, if you do not shut up,

I will make you squeaky clean.

Wait--

Now that I have your attention,

you understand now the world is a scary place?

You talk of horror, and morality,

and let genocide occur in Bosnia as if Hitler never happened.

Is Wolfie gonna die?

Damaged, not dying.

Help me, please!

-[Max moans] -[scoffs]

-Move your hand. -No, no, no!

Okay.

-[moans] -I want you to bleed.

Wasn't this your idea, to serve the American public

yet another crappy serial killer movie?

[groaning continues]

This makes me very angry.

S-- so, um, so you're angry. Um...

Let's talk.

[gasping]

[chokingly] Maybe we can work something out.

DaVinci, Einstein, Mozart, titans.

Never afraid to tell the truth, as am I.

In an abstract city full of greedy poseurs,

I am an original.

A titan in a silly red wig, an artist!

And in my art, there is no copyright, I am the copyright.

[chokingly] Mister, please.

-You're not wrong to be fascinated with me. -[sharp thud]

[gasps] God!

I've been doing this for 27 years,

in various forms and in various cities,

and no one has ever come close to me.

And then, watching you...

...I saw my own reflection.

I saw the ending.

I know how this is gonna end.

I am not gonna stand by and let this group of misfits

steal my life, something that you know nothing about.

I am the one with a story to tell, not you.

-[softly whimpers] -[thud]

Maybe we can help you.

What can you do for me?

Find me an empty bathroom stall to sleep in?

A producer who sleeps in a lavatory?

Pathetic rodents without an original thought between them?

And your newest best friend...

-[forcibly breathing] -...a true sicko with deep pockets!

I am the real thing.

You can't do anything for me.

'Nuff said. [panting]

And you...

[light dramatic music]

...you really don't have a clue how to wear this, do you...

-[breathing shakily] -...Costume Killer?

It's ironic.

You don't get that at all, do you?

[deeply breathing]

No.

[panting]

You, I like.

You do your homework.

You, I could work with.

[music increases]

[soft click]

[soft squish]

[tense music]

[soft click]

[woman screaming and gasping]

[Cliff grunts]

[Cliff growling]

[director shouts] Cut!

Just cut it, cut it.

Cut! Cut it.

-Tail slate. -[click]

[director] Cliff?

Yeah?

Was that a growl?

I-- it just sort of came out.

I thought the growl was great.

Jake?

Over here, Cliff.

-Over here. -Oh.

Can I talk to you a minute?

Yeah, sure.

-He can't get it. -[Cliff] Oh, man,

-that was so good. I loved it. -Sure it was.

-[chuckling] Thank you. Oh! -Oh, God. Fantastic.

Uh, reset to one, go right away.

-All right, let's reset right away, people. -Where's Max?

Over here. Get over here.

You know, I told wardrobe more flesh.

-They don't listen. -I-- I know.

-You're having fun? -Absolutely.

I hear you're running all over town taking meetings,

you-- you're the idea man.

I had a few meetings, yeah.

-Good, good. Yeah, I'm glad this is working out. -[sniffs]

Whoa.

-[moans] -Can't believe we're working together, man.

-[Wolfie mumbling] Right. -[sharply exhales]

I, uh, I understand why you didn't want Cliff to growl.

It's amazing, you're a first-time director. [chuckles]

-Here, Jake. -Oh, I'm sorry,

let's talk later, okay.

Let's, uh, let's take a walk. [clears throat]

[soft clinking]

Just give me 20 feet, will you? All right, just 20 feet, okay?

I'm not going anywhere.

-Uh, Cliff. -[clinking continues]

If you let me, I could take you there.

But yo-- you, you have to let me, Cliff.

You have to trust me.

[light dramatic music]

Oh, I trust you, Jake, I really do.

But you're just a little scared of me, aren't you?

-No. -It's-- it's all right, it's all right.

-I'm scared of me sometimes. -[sharply exhales]

It's not about rage, Cliff, it's about purpose.

So, no growl?

-Right, right. No... [stutters] no growl. -Right.

Tell the truth, and you will win.

Not-- not just as an actor, as a person.

It's why I cashed in my chips.

So that I could sit at the table and tell the truth.

-[sharp buzz] -God! Well, I-- I wanna thank God...

...for, um,

for not giving me the role of Gilligan. [laughs]

-Thank you, God! -[sharp buzz]

["O Mio Babbino Caro" instrumental music]

[sharp buzz]

[sharp buzz]

[sharp buzz]

[sharp buzz]

[sharp buzz]

[sharp buzz]

-♪ Donner, Blitzen, Dasher Dancer, Prancer, Vixen ♪ -♪ Rudolph

["Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer" by Billy May]

♪ Mush

♪ Close your eyes real nice and tight ♪

♪ Santa comes tonight

♪ Holly berries

♪ Mars

♪ Kris Kringle?

♪ Grab the hankies and mambo!

♪ Olé

["God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"]

♪ God rest ye merry gentlemen

♪ Let nothing you dismay

♪ Remember Christ our Savior

♪ Was born on Christmas Day

♪ To save us all from Satan's power ♪

♪ When we had gone astray

♪ Oh, tidings of comfort and joy ♪

♪ Comfort and joy

♪ Oh, tidings of comfort and joy ♪