Original subtitles

- Yeah, then I have a watch party

for Curtis' new show tonight,

but I'm worried it's gonna be so bad?

- Oh, no, really? - Yeah.

I mean, his character was fully a woman,

and then they just made her a gay guy

without changing any lines.

- Well, that is how you guys talk.

I mean, not you, but the fun ones.

Also, are you sure that Lucas doesn't wanna walk with us?

He's been, like, ten paces behind us all morning.

- Oh, no, he's in this new miniseries

about a gay serial killer, so technically,

he's hunting me right now.

- Hunting you? - Yeah, funny, right?

He's actually playing one of the most prolific

gay serial killers of all time.

He's a sociopath who used to chop his victims' penises up

into little pieces and then eat the pieces.

- So I take it, still not having sex.

- No, and he's not even really sleeping over now--

for my safety. - This is so terrifying.

- Yeah, but it's for his art. - No, I mean you.

You're terrifying. [phone buzzing]

Oh, it's our new stepdad.

- [laughs] Holy shit. He just calls us now?

- Hi, Daddy. - Brooke, hi.

Uh, I was just calling 'cause

it's your mom's birthday tomorrow,

and she said the only thing she wants to do

is have a normal family dinner at Applebee's

like you all used to in Ohio.

No security, nothing.

- Sorry, she's a billionaire

and she wants to eat at Applebee's?

The food is vile.

- L-O-L, that is legit impossible.

She needs security if she's gonna eat at the Applebee's

in, what, Times Square?

They'll need to pre-screen all the diners,

shut down Midtown, plus with you,

you guys'll be swarmed.

How does she think this is gonna happen?

- She said maybe we could just ask everyone

to be cool, like, really nicely.

both: [laugh] Be cool?

- Listen, we all know this can't happen,

but she seems really desperate, you know,

and I kinda wanna do something nice for her

since we've just been on the Marvel plane

having sex for the last month.

- And that's a bad thing?

- So I think I figured out a way

to give this to her. You guys free tonight?

- I mean, I just have to pop out early

for a friend's watch party, but sure.

- Great. I'll text you the address.

- Well, isn't it just the Applebee's in Times--

[line beeps] - Uh, he hung up.

Aww, and wait.

Maybe the show will be good.

I mean, Curtis is funny.

- Yeah, totally. It could be good.

Yeah, maybe it'll be good.

That'd be great if it was good.

Yeah.

- ♪ I-I-I'm a winner ♪

- Okay, we need to talk about this.

- Hi, y'all. Beautiful day in the industry.

- Brooke, you're three hours late.

- Yeah, sorry, I've just been brainstorming ways

I can use the P! Network-- for good!

I was thinking maybe an interview series

where my mom sits down

with a new powerful woman each week.

Malala. Greta Thunberg.

Malala. - You started with Malala.

Also, this took you three hours?

- It actually takes my breath away

thinking about all the good I'm now gonna do for people--

nay, women.

- That's great, but first, we have a situation.

- Hmm. - Chase and Pam broke up.

- Wait, what? - Yup.

- Is it public? - Yeah, we tweeted it.

- [sighs] - We still love each other.

We've just grown apart since 18 days ago.

- No. Fuck!

Shuli, I wanna help women.

My first day back, I can't send a woman to the woods.

- Sorry, what's this?

- Well, you know how it goes. They broke up, it's out there,

and now Pam does simply have to go

live out the rest of her days in the woods.

- No, I know how it goes. I just--

- Wait, wait, we don't know how it goes.

- Yeah, Chase and I broke up,

so now I have to live in the woods?

- [sighs]

- Let's just show 'em the video.

- [sighs] [pounding at door]

What? Coming, coming.

- Cary Dubek? - Yes, can I, uh--

okay, you're just coming in.

- Sorry, on a tight skedge.

Do you get a lot of street noise in here?

- Sorry, who and why are you-- - Sheila!

I'm here to record your ADR for "WindWeaver."

Didn't anybody call you? - No.

The--the fantasy show I shot in Croatia?

Is that coming out? - Yup!

Whole thing's dropping on Netflix next week,

though beats me how they get it done in time. [laughs]

- Why? Is something wrong?

- All I know is, post is a fucking mess.

We've got no mix, no color.

I'm not even supposed to be doing this,

but the post supe quit this a.m., so voilà!

I am not kidding when I say that

everybody on this show-- except me--is crazy.

- So I'm in another bad thing?

- Okay, shh. Here's the scene we need.

[horses nickering]

- I've seen this place before in my dreams.

And I pray he's here. - Who?

- The WindWeaver.

The one who weaves the wind.

Onward! [horse neighs]

- Man, this show is not for me. [chuckles]

Anyway, you got it? - No.

Sorry, what am I recording?

My character literally never speaks--

in this scene or ever.

I was basically an extra for eight months.

- Right, so you know how everyone in the show

goes on these little quests?

Well, in the edit, they realized

that you can never tell where the fuck any of you are,

so they're having people ADR extra shit like,

"Oh, look, we're here now!"

or, "Oh, we've arrived at this place!"

Hoping to hell they can make it make sense quick.

So over your back,

after the main guy says "onward,"

they want you to now say...

"Yes, onward ho, to the Port City of Gargool."

[laughs] Jesus fucking Christ.

Okay, ready?

- [sighs] Yes.

[mellow guitar music playing]

- Sorry, what is this?

- It looks like an orientation video?

- Hello!

If you're watching this, it's because

you broke the heart of a beloved pop star

with millions of fans and are now moments away

from being doxxed to death by them.

- Wait, what?

- But don't worry. That's where we come in.

Welcome to New Beginnings.

At New Beginnings, we provide a safe haven

for girls like you--

girls who have been forced to leave society

because their names, addresses,

and Social Security numbers have all been posted online

by their ex's fans--

fans who love their pop star and now hate you

because of what you did to him.

- Uh... - Here, you'll live

a simple life but a good one,

and no hate mail can reach you here

because there is no mail.

New Beginnings is completely off the grid

and not on any map,

all to give you peace of mind that no teen girl

will ever find and kill you.

Also, Sunday is Craft Day.

- Okay, no, Pam isn't living in the woods

'cause a couple of my fans are mad.

- Yeah, and we said the breakup was mutual.

Why would they blame me?

- Now, I'm sure at this point, you're thinking,

"We said the breakup was mutual.

Why would they blame me?"

Simply put, you're the girl.

Maybe if you were Rihanna, it'd be fine,

but if you're watching this,

you're probably not Rihanna, so...

woods it is!

- No, no, I'm just gonna go home to Iowa.

This'll blow over. - And by now you're thinking,

"I'll just go home to Iowa. This'll blow over."

But if you're this far in,

your home has been set on fire.

- What? No, it hasn't. I'm Googling.

- And by now you're Googling, but trust me.

It's on fire. - Oh, my God, it is.

Do I have to go live in the woods?

- Onward! [horse neighs]

- Yes, onward ho!

To the Port City of Gargool! - No! No.

Something's off. Think, Sheila. God!

I haven't had time to go to the doctor in years,

but something is definitely up, if you catch my drift.

- Is the drift a-- a brain tumor?

- Oh, they want you to sound like you're on a horse.

So let's just do it again,

but this time, bounce up and down while you do it.

- Oh, okay. Sure.

- The one who weaves the wind.

[blade shings]

Onward! [horse neighs]

- Yes!

Onward ho! To the-- - No! Fuck!

Something's still missing.

What did they want? - I don't--

- I know it was something stupid.

[gasps] Oh! Oh! The teeth!

They want you to wear the little elf teeth.

Oh, my God, Hank would've killed me

if I forgot the teeth.

Or did he quit too?

I have worked on a lot of shows,

but this, by far, is the worst.

- Cool, cool.

Um, have you heard anything

about this new Paramount+ show, "Girlies"?

- Oh, God, I heard that show's a dream.

I would kill to be on that show.

- So Rotten Tomatoes-wise,

we talking what, like, 90, 92% Fresh?

- Maybe it won't be so bad.

This one girl taught herself woodworking.

- No, no, no, this is-- this is insane.

Why didn't you guys tell me this could happen?

- [sighs] Well, we tried, bud,

but you said you wanted to be treated like an adult,

make your own decisions, remember?

- Okay, well, to be fair, you did release my album

on the day of the insurrection.

- Oh, my God, enough of this shit!

You wanna be an adult?

Here's the truth. - God, no, Shuli, no.

- We didn't release your album on the day of the insurrection.

Your album was so bad,

I created the insurrection!

- What? - Don't be mad, bud.

You're just...

you're not that great of a singer.

- You suck. I mean, you're cute,

but you suck.

And it's wild that you don't know that.

So in order to distract from your album,

I spent months radicalizing people

to storm the Capitol on the day it dropped.

Chase, I'm Q.

- Oh, my God.

It was--it was that bad?

Shit, I--I don't want Pam

now to go to the woods 'cause of me.

- There's gotta be something we can do to help her.

I mean, my whole thing is helping women.

Starting today.

- [scoffs] There is one thing, I mean, we could try.

Something that might make all of Chase's fans Team Pam.

- What is it? I'll do it.

- Well, I'd usually only do this

after a divorce, but...

we need to make you a bad boy.

[guitar riff] [motorcycle engine revs]

- Wait, I don't understand why we're on a lot.

Like, I've shot here before. - I know.

This was supposed to be

a normal family dinner at Applebee's?

- Oh, "Normal Family Dinner at Applebee's."

That's Stage 7, that way. - Wait. What?

- Move, move, move.

- Oh, my God.

- All right, everyone, my servers, my diners,

Pat should be here in five. Thank you all for doing this.

If everything goes smoothly,

we should be able to give Pat Dubek

a nice, normal dinner with her family, huh?

[applause] - All right.

- Holy shit.

Simu Liu recreated an entire Applebee's for her?

This is insane. - Hey, welcome.

Pat's children, yes.

We have you right here at the hero table.

- Sorry, so this is, like, a full production?

All of you, you're actors? - Yep.

Simu's goal is to give your mom the normal dinner

she actually can't have anymore.

Which reminds me, guys, in reality,

Pat would be swarmed in a place like this,

so unless you are Katrina,

your job is to ignore her.

Don't look at Pat, don't talk to Pat.

As far as you're concerned, Pat doesn't exist.

- Wait, so she doesn't know

this is all fake? Isn't that fucked?

- Oh, and guys at the bar... - Uh--

- Well, I guess I hope this works.

- I mean, I do think Mom needs a normal night,

or at least to feel like she can still have one?

- Oh, hey, such good news about Curtis' show.

- What? Is it bad?

- No, I said "good news."

It's 100% Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes.

- What? 100% - Yeah.

I mean, only one review is out so far,

but it's Fresh. Eee!

- Yes, yes, that's amazing. - Yeah.

- Um, I just need to run to the bathroom real quick.

- Okay, places, everyone, places.

And remember, you're at dinner, so have fun,

uh, but also, it's Applebee's,

so there should be some deadness behind the eyes,

kinda like, uh, "We could've eaten anywhere.

Why'd we choose here?" sort of thing.

Here we go. [door creaks shut]

- [gasps] [heartbeat thumping]

[tense music]

No.

[breathing heavily]

Can it be?

"A delightful romp"? Oh, my God.

Curtis' bad show...

[voice distorted] Is good?

[plates clatter]

Oh, hi. Sorry.

- Okay, okay, Pat's here. And action, everyone!

[bell rings]

[indistinct chatter] [mellow music playing]

- [laughs] Whoa.

This looks so real.

- And we are here. Ta-da!

Surprise! - What?

Oh, my God, Simu. Applebee's! - Yep.

Just a normal family dinner at Applebee's,

just like you wanted. - But how?

And with no security?

- Well, I called ahead and asked everyone to be cool,

just like you suggested. - What, really?

I mean, I told you that could maybe work.

[gasps] Brookie! Cary!

- Hey! - Isn't this wild?

I'm in Applebee's!

- Yeah, happy birthday. - Oh!

Simu just asked everyone to be cool for the night.

- Yeah, such a good idea.

- Yeah, Simu Liu is such a good daddy.

- You know I'm, like, three years younger than you, right?

- Eee! I just can't believe it.

No one's looking at me or taking a picture.

Everyone's just talking to themselves...

[actors repeating "peas and carrots"]

Saying "peas and carrots" a lot.

[actors repeating "peas and carrots"]

I guess we'll have to order those.

Anyway, hooray! Let's start this normal dinner.

- Okay.

- Er, wait, Cary,

is that your boyfriend with a knife behind the bar?

- Oh, good, I wasn't sure if he could make it.

And yes, he is in character as a serial killer,

so he will be stalking us all night.

Just ignore. [chuckles]

- Okay. That's fine, I guess.

And at least everything else is normal.

- Ooh, yay! Chase is here.

- Hey, everyone, just wanted to hop on here

and tell all my fans to suck my dick.

That's right. This is how I talk now.

So if you're my fan, you're a bitch, and you suck.

- Oh, no. What's going on? Why does Chasey look like that?

- Don't worry, he's just pretending to be bad

so his fans will side with Pam in the breakup

and not try and dox her to death.

- Yes, otherwise Pam goes to live in the woods.

- Yeah, and I really don't wanna do that.

- No, I can imagine.

- So yeah, we will-- I am actually doing

a very good thing for another woman.

And other than a couple Instagram Lives,

we can still have a totally normal family dinner.

- Anyway, idiots, imagine trying

to share a life with all this.

Guess it makes sense if you guys side with Pam

'cause as the new tattoo on my ass says,

I stink. [phone clicks]

God, it feels so weird acting like that.

Oh, hey, Mom. Happy birthday. - Oh, thank you, Chasey.

And you promise me all those are fake?

'Cause they're awful, honey. You look dead.

- Mom, they're awful on purpose.

Streeter picked them out.

- Yeah, yeah, I worked very hard

to find the extra right bad ones.

My fave is probably this one right here

that simply says "piss."

- Yes, I can see that it does say "piss" on my son's chest.

- And this one here is Piglet,

but with tits.

And then under his arm

is Eeyore, but with tits.

And on his back is the day his dad died.

- I'm sorry, how is that one bad?

- I mean, you didn't let me finish.

With tits. Bing-bong. [chuckles]

- Anyway, very nice to meet you...Simu Liu.

You take good care of my Patty, okay?

- Sorry, can we please stop talking about tits?

I'm just trying to have a nice, normal family dinner.

- Absolutely. - You got it.

- Hi, there. My name's Katrina,

and I'll be your server this evening.

- Oh, nice to meet you, Katrina.

- But I think you should know I'm actually an actor.

- Oh, wow, wonderful.

You know, my son, Cary, was a server

while he was trying to make it too.

And now he has, and he's so happy.

- "Girlies" is "positively charming"?

- Anyway, I am gonna have your big, fat steak, please,

and I don't see it on the menu, but I'm gonna have

the peas and carrots that everyone's talking about,

sometimes at the same time on top of each other?

- Okay, I guess--sounds good.

Let me go check on those. - Okay, good.

- Cary Dubek!

Oh, there you are.

Fuck! - What? Honey, who is this now?

- Wait, what are you doing here?

Also, how did you find me?

- We need to redo your ADR.

Apparently, someone lost the drive.

Not sure if he told you, but his new show is a mess.

People don't even want their names on this show.

- Oh, honey, I'm so sorry to hear that.

- So it's, like, for sure bad? Still?

- Okay, here are your teeth, and they said that

you didn't really sound like you were on a horse last time,

so maybe this time, you can just

hop on somebody's back and ride 'em like a horsey.

- Oh, you can ride me like a horsey, bud.

- I'm absolutely not doing that, Simu Liu.

- No, no, no, don't be ridiculous.

I'm an actor, okay?

I totally get ADR, and plus,

Marvel pays me to stay jacked all the time anyway.

Pretty sure I could take your weight easy.

What are you, like, 110, 115?

Seriously. Ride me, Cary.

- Wait-- - Ride me!

- Can we at least go outside where it's quieter?

- You mean Times Square? - Right.

Outside is, uh, is Times Square.

- Sure is. [chuckles]

- So I guess I have to do it here.

- Not a prob.

I will just cover you with this sound blanket.

- [sighs] - Okay.

Whenever you're ready, go ahead.

- Yes, onward ho!

To the Port City of Gargool! - Aww, Cary.

Now both you and Mom have ridden the star

of a Marvel movie. [plate clatters]

- Uh-oh. Brooke.

We have a code red. - What? What's wrong?

- Uh, comments are coming in about Chase's new vibe,

and his fans freaking love it?

- What? But he's vile!

"Oh, my God, Chase is so sexy now"?

"I love Chase's tattoos

because a body's hottest when you can't see it"?

"I never got Chase's appeal before,

but now I wanna bleep his bleep-bleep"?

- Honey, please. - Shh! I'm getting room tone.

- And his fans are also madder now at Pam?

- Oh, no. - They are?

- "How could Pam break up with Chase

when he is this hot?"

"We should kill Pam by tomorrow's end."

"Also, I know for a fact

"Pam's aunt works at Kaiser in Modesto.

Maybe kill her too. IDK, just spitballing."

- Fuck!

We forgot that everyone loves a bad boy now.

Like, it's actually hot and good

to be ugly and bad.

- It's okay; the problem is just the boy part.

He shouldn't be a bad boy.

We need to make him...

a bad dude. - Yes!

- No-- - Chase, come with me.

- Uh-uh-- - Don't worry, Pam.

We're still gonna help you. It's what I do.

- Okay! All set!

- Great. [sighs]

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

- Thank you, sir. You made an excellent horsey.

- Fuck. Just fucking kill me.

[sighs] [phone clicks]

- And she ordered peas and carrots,

but we don't have that. - [sighs]

Okay, I'll just send a PA to the store and...

- Ugh. God. - Have him buy a bag of peas...

I think there's a Whole Foods in Williamsburg.

Can someone print me out a petty cash form, please?

- Also, I still do think she should know what's going on.

- Hey, Curtis. - Hey.

- I was just calling 'cause, uh,

I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to make,

uh, your viewing party anymore.

- Ooh, really?

- Yeah, yeah, it's just I have this dinner for my mom,

and I thought I was gonna be able to pop out,

but now it just feels-- feels a little rude.

- Okay. - But hey.

Congrats on the show.

I wish I could be there.

- Yeah, I mean, if-- if you can't make it,

then you can't make it, so... - Yeah, I just--

- Oh, hi, sweetheart. Are you okay?

You just seemed a little upset when--

- No, no, no, I'm-- I'm totally fine.

Uh, why don't you just go back to your table?

Now. - Okay.

[printer whirrs]

Is there a printer in here?

- Oh, no, no, no.

I mean, this is an Applebee's in Times Square,

so who knows what people do in here.

Okay, bye now.

- Okay.

[gasps] - Hello, Pat.

- Jesus.

- [sighs]

- Hey, did you see the sad news about Curtis' show?

- Yes, I know. It's 100% Fresh.

- Okay, what are these reactions?

I said "sad."

The rest of the reviews came in,

like, 95 of them, and they're all bad.

That first review was the only good one.

- Oh. No.

Really? What exactly do they say?

Like, um, verbatim.

- Hi there, I just wanted to apologize for my family.

I feel like we're making quite the scene tonight.

- Oh, um...

Peas and carr--er--I--

- Like, here you are, trying to run a normal establishment,

and my family comes in and acts insane.

So I wanna pay for everyone's meals.

- Oh, um, using--

using this machine. - Uh, yeah.

You can just run it in front of me.

I'll just wait here while you do it.

- Yes, sure.

I'll do that...now.

Beep, boop.

Okay, you're all set.

- Sorry, I just saw you slide the card on nothing

and say "beep, boop" with your mouth.

- [laughs] I'm sorry about her. She's new.

Anyways, hi, Ms. Dubek, I am the general manager,

and I'm actually on the phone

with Mr. Applebee's right now.

He wanted me to tell you that everyone's meals

are on the house tonight in honor of your birthday.

Thank you, sir. I just told her, sir.

Uh-huh, ta-ta, sir.

Yeah, so there's, um, no need to pay at all.

You can just, uh, head back to your table.

- Sorry, so that was Mr. Applebee's?

- Yes, Mr... Randolph Applebee's.

Anyway, enjoy your family dinner.

Your food will be right out.

- Okay.

Thank you.

[muttering] We got it!

- Oh, here's a good one, here's a good one.

"Entertainment Weekly"

calls it "dismal and embarrassing."

- Okay, "EW," make it personal.

- Oh, and "Vulture" wants to know,

"was this character a woman,

and they just turned it into a gay guy last minute?"

Uh, yes, they did, bitch. [laughter]

- Drag her, "Vulture"!

[knock at door] - Oh, my God!

Flowers for me?

all: Ooh! - [laughs]

- Hey! - Ooh, Cary.

I thought you couldn't come anymore.

- Oh, no, I figured it out. Hooray!

all: Hey. - Happy watch party, everyone.

Yeah, I just had this little dinner thing for my mom,

and I wasn't sure I could pop out early,

but then I thought about it more, and I was like,

"I can pop out early."

Gotta be here to support your show, right?

- Go fuck yourself, Cary.

- Wait, what?

- [sighs] So weird.

[door clicks close]

[mellow music playing]

♪ ♪

Sorry, ma'am?

I just--have you been to this Applebee's before?

I know this is gonna sound crazy,

but I--I just-- I feel like something's off.

[phone rings] Oh, sorry.

[phone chimes] Hi, Chasey.

Wait, what is this? What are you wearing?

- Hey, Mom, I'm here to challenge you

to box me live in Las Vegas this Saturday.

And guess what, Mom?

I'm gonna kick your freakin' ass!

- What? Is this real?

Honey, I'm not boxing you.

- You heard it. My mom's a coward.

Ahh! - [gasps] It's working.

People are commenting that Chase seems deeply unwell.

- Yes! Thank God. - Wait, wait.

They're also saying Pam must have done this to him?

- What? - "Before Pam left,

"Chase would've never tried

to box his mother in Las Vegas"?

Oh, my God, this country hates women.

[laughs] You almost gotta laugh.

- Fuck! So bad boy was nothing,

and now bad dude's not enough, which means...

we need to make him a bad man.

Someone I, as a woman, could never support.

Okay, Chase, listen closely.

[phone clicks] - [sighs]

So sorry for all this chaos, ma'am.

[objects clatter] Huh? Uh...

[whispering] What the fuck?

[suspenseful music]

[actors repeating "peas and carrots"]

- Peas and carrots. Peas and carrots.

Peas and carrots. Peas and carrots.

- Mom, Mom! Hey! What's wrong? - Is everything okay?

- I think something weird is going on in here.

Have you guys noticed? - What?

- Seems pretty normal to me. - Yeah.

This is actually one of the most normal experiences

I've had in a restaurant.

- I just--there was some weird dummy

in the bathroom just now, and also,

I don't know if you guys have noticed,

but everybody's been raving about the peas and carrots,

but no one's actually eating the peas and carrots.

I don't even think they have peas and carrots on the menu--

- All right, here we go.

First things first, our famous peas and carrots.

- There we are.

- She was just wondering about those.

- I bet. - Oh!

[bowl rattling]

- Okay. And here's your steak.

I guess bon appétit.

Back with the rest in a sec.

- Okay. [chuckles]

I'm so sorry for acting crazy a second ago.

I guess they do have peas and carrots.

[all laughing] I'm sorry, guys.

Ah, ah.

Mmm. Wow.

This steak is truly mouthwatering.

I mean, it's, like, the best steak I've ever had

in my entire life. - Mm.

- So I guess I just have one question.

- Yeah? - Where the fuck am I?

- [gasps] Mom!

- Curtis! Wha--

wait, wait, hold on, what--

what did I do? - Cary.

I'd like you to leave.

- Wha--what the--

what are you talking about? That's insane.

I'm--I'm here to support you.

- No, you're not. You're not here to support me.

If you were actually trying to support me,

you wouldn't have bailed when you thought my show was good

and then shown up once you knew it was bad.

- What? That--that's not what happened.

I was literally at a dinner for my mom,

and it felt rude to leave her.

- Yeah--but you did leave.

So what, what stopped you from feeling rude?

- I-- - I think you saw the first

Rotten Tomatoes review and everyone posting about it

and got jealous that the show was good,

and you couldn't stand to come anymore.

And then when the bad reviews went up,

you did feel like coming, so--

- You think I went through all those mental gymnastics?

It's actually sad that my friend would think

that I would do that. I'm not--

- It's sad that I know my friend did that.

And I never would've jumped to that conclusion last year,

but this year, I'm jumping to it,

'cause I--I--I do. I--I--[laughs]

I do think that's what happened.

- Well, it's not!

I haven't even checked Rotten Tomatoes once all day.

- Well, then, show me your phone.

- What? - Open your phone

and show me the last page on your browser.

- Sorry, can you repeat the question?

[plate clatters] - Where am I?

Where the fuck am I?

- Hey, sweetie, just calm down.

- Mom, you are a very famous woman

holding people at knifepoint in an Applebee's.

[actors repeating "peas and carrots"]

- You. What is going on here?

- Peas and carrots, peas and-- - Hello! Talk to me!

- [whispering] They told us not to.

both: Peas and carrots. - What? Who's "they"?

Who is "they"?

- Don't worry, nobody can talk about any of this.

They all signed NDAs. - Who did?

For what, Simu? - Uh...

- Uh, okay, Mom, why don't we just take a breath

and enjoy your nice, normal family dinner?

- Oh, my God. Why is nobody--

[actors repeating "peas and carrots"]

- I'll talk to her. Uh, hey, Pat. Oh, shit.

- We're not in Times Square, are we?

Oh, God, none of this is real.

- What are you talking about? Babe, of course it is.

- Hi, everyone, I just wanted you all

to meet my new girlfriend, Everly.

- What? Chase has a new girlfriend?

- Okay, no, so this is not real.

- The two of us met at church.

That's right; the Lord gave her to me.

- No. - And the thing that I love

most about her is the way she looks at me...

- No. - The way she worships me...

- No. - And the way she'll provide me

with strong, healthy sons.

- [gags] - No, stop it, Chase!

What are you doing? This isn't normal!

None of this is fucking normal!

- No, Mom, this thing with Chase is normal.

It's so we don't have to send Pam to the woods, remember?

- Yeah, couldn't be more normal.

- No, no, this isn't right. Where am I?

- Oh, no, babe. Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, no--

- Ah! Brooke! - Oh, my God, we're inside?

- Brooke, Brooke, it worked.

We got our first #TeamPam. - We did?

- Yes. "Oh, my God, eww, what is this Christian shit?"

- What the fuck?

- "Thank God Pam got away, this is cringe."

- Yes! - "I guess I'm #TeamPam."

- Oh, my God. We did it!

I did it!

- [screams] - Yep.

You came up with the most bad man there is.

A good man.

- I don't have to go to the woods!

- Yeah! - I did a good thing!

I did a good thing! [laughs]

- Sweetie, no! [glass shatters]

- Holy shit!

Wait, no, Mom, this isn't safe.

Just come back and we'll explain.

- Oh, God, someone help me! Please help me!

- Hello, Mrs. Dubek. I can help you.

- No. Get away from me!

Get the fuck away from me! - Mom, this is crazy.

- Mom, come back! - Simu, do something!

- Get me out of here! Ah! What the fuck?

Get me the fuck out! [people yelling]

[screams]

[softly] Oh, my God.

[radio buzzes] - Pam has found out.

- I was right.

This was fake. [panting]

You're actors?

You're all actors?

- I did try to tell you, girl.

- So come on. Let's see it. - [stammering]

Okay, you know what? No. I'm not showing you my phone.

I might have porn up. - Oh, my G--

we both know you don't have porn up.

- [stammers] - Fuck.

Fuck, Cary.

I just, like, wanted you to be

fuckin' happy for me as my friend, but you can't.

Like, you probably can't be happy for me.

You didn't wanna come tonight

because you were worried I was getting something,

that I was gonna have a win. - That's not true!

I want you to have wins.

I helped you get "Gay Minute" and "Age Net Worth Feet"!

All I do is support you!

- You support me when I'm below you!

You're happy for me when I'm below you,

not when you think that I might be your equal,

or, God forbid, above you.

And you're in luck 'cause my show sucks,

so back below ya, baby.

- So what, you ju-- you just think I'm a monster?

- I--I tried to be patient.

But we don't hang out anymore.

And when we do, it is only about you.

But then last month, when we came to your movie,

you wouldn't even get a drink afterward

because you said you had to sleep.

- I did have to sleep.

- Okay.

Okay.

Um...

You know what? I'm 35 years old.

And I want good friends in my life.

And I have good friends in my life, and--

and I don't think you're one of them now.

So, um...

yeah, I want you to go.

- Okay.

I guess--I guess I'll go.

[clattering]

- Oh, there you are!

- Oh, my God. - Okay, now I lost the drive.

Here are your teeth.

And which one of your friends wants to get on all fours

so you can ride him like a horsey?

- I just--I really thought

I was having a normal family dinner.

And I was excited! I was so fucking excited.

- Pat, baby, that's-- that's why I did all this.

- Yeah, we thought it would be nice

for you to feel normal for a night.

- Well, guess what? This was the least normal thing

that's ever happened to me in my entire fucking life!

I can't believe you did this to me.

- Told you.

- I just--I can't do anything anymore.

Do you understand? Like, I can't go eat.

I can't take a walk.

I can't date a normal person without being a burden.

- Hey, you were never a burden, sweetie.

- No, I was. I know that I was.

- I'm sorry. That must be so hard.

- Yeah, that must be so tough, Pat.

- Yeah, and now the only man I can date is Marvel's Simu Liu.

Like, Marvel's Simu Liu is the only type of man I can be with?

- Okay, can't say I feel bad for you on that.

- I mean, for the last month, all I've been able to do

"for my safety" is sit on a private jet

and get eaten out nonstop by Marvel's Simu Liu.

Like, that's my whole life.

- Yeah, I do think we should just move off

of the whole "Marvel's Simu Liu" stuff.

- Yeah, not sure you realize how you're coming across.

- Oh, who gives a fuck, Katrina?

You signed an NDA, honey,

so you can't say jack shit about how I'm "coming across."

And Simu doesn't even know

what he's doing down there, so there.

- Wait, what? - [laughs]

- I just--

I just feel like I can't be in the world anymore.

Like I've ruined my life. I've ruined my whole life.

- Oh, Mom.

- Do you--do you wanna go for a walk?

- No. [sniffles]

I just--I wanna be alone.

I'm not mad, I--

I just wanna be by myself.

[sighs]

- Mom. - Uh--

- [sighs]

- All right, load out. Load out to truck four.

- Wow, this burger is actually good.

- It should be. It's Peter Luger.

I guess cheers

to a truly apocalyptic night for our family.

- I know. Hope Mom's okay.

- Aww. Me, too, bud.

But hey, at least we helped Pam.

It's not nothing. - Totally.

It just sucks 'cause everyone does think I'm bad now.

Like, everyone's just saying really mean stuff online.

- Oh.

Fuck. I mean, duh, but-- shit, I--

- Hey. Did I miss it? How'd it go?

- Bad, man. Went real bad.

- But hey, congrats on 100% Fresh.

- What?

Is a "WindWeaver" review up?

- No, like 200 reviews are up.

I guess 'cause it's good,

they decided to post them early.

They're saying it's a legit masterpiece.

- Holy shit!

[voice distorted] My bad show is good?

[gritty electronic music]

♪ ♪