Original subtitles

Help!

My nachos!

Hey, baby girl. How you feeling?

Maybe ready to go back to work?

Not that I want you out of the house.

I mean, at this point,

I don't think I could fall asleep

without the sound of you sobbing.

He just broke my heart,

and now I'm the most sad anyone's ever been.

Well, maybe going back to work

will take your mind off it...

Or even doing something simple,

like changing your underwear.

Hey, let's at least do the underwear one.

I can't. I just want to watch TV.

You've watched everything on TV.

HBO, Hulu, Apple-- it's all been watched.

Well, I was thinking about checking out Peacock.

I like the font on their main page.

Okay, no!

You need to get out of this house now.

Maybe find Shuli. Go hang with Shuli.

It's just

the things he said to me were not okay.

He was like, "If you got a problem,

you're supposed to sit down and talk to me."

Can you believe that? He's a bad man.

- So you're not here to work? - I'm not ready.

Oh, and then he was like,

"I want a partner who's honest."

Okay, Ted Bundy.

Listen, Brooke, I need you to leave,

'cause I'm busy and you smell violent.

- It's the nachos - It's not.

Why don't you go see what Cary's up to?

Go hang with Cary.

Like, seriously, the narrative is that Lance

is this lovable goofball, but behind closed doors,

he calls you the F word all the time.

That does sound like him, but, uh, maybe you should,

uh, go find Mom, 'cause I'm at Disney right now.

Ah, Cary, we're ready for you.

- Oh. - And sorry about that smell.

Jeez, I don't know what that is.

- It's the nachos. - No, it's not.

- ♪ I-I-I'm a winner ♪

Cary, we are thrilled you came in,

because we want to talk to you about the offer of a lifetime--

a powerful gay role in Disney's next film.

- Whoa. Really? - Yeah.

'Cause my boyfriend just got nominated for a Tony

for an important gay role he's doing,

so it would be nice to also tackle

something meaningful for the community.

My last few roles have been whatever.

Um, so I'd love to not just act but make a difference.

I-I think that's been the problem.

Well, then this should be perfect for everyone involved.

- Yeah. - So, as you're probably aware,

our wildly successful "Haunted Buddies" franchise

has gotten some flak for not having any queer characters.

But we at Disney

are committed to fixing that grave mistake... now.

Yes, so, in addition to our beloved core characters

of Wolfy, Vampira, and Dr. Baggo Bones...

- Yeah. - For "Haunted Buddies 4,"

we are adding...

Globby. - That's right.

Globby will be the "Haunted Buddies"

first-ever openly queer character.

Sorry, so this-- this goo i-is homosexual?

- The goo is homosexual. - Isn't that incredible?

Yes. No, very cool.

Um, and how exactly is he gay?

Because he--he sort of just looks like, uh...

sexless green snot.

Great question-- because we've also gotten

some flak for saying a character is gay

and then not really showing it,

which is why in "Haunted Buddies 4,"

we're including a groundbreaking scene

where Vampira opens the door to Globby's bedroom,

and we see Globby in bed with another glob.

Which is huge--I mean, for Disney to include a scene

as unapologetically gay as this?

Right? I mean, two globs in bed--

it doesn't get more gayer than that.

No. Yes, uh...

it's just, how is that visual gay--

the two globs in bed?

Like, does the other glob talk

and have, like, a male voice or--

No, but if Globby was straight,

when Vampira opened the door,

then he'd be in bed with a human woman,

But he's not. He's in bed with another glob.

Yeah.

So he's gay.

No, right, right.

And, like, he's not even a doctor, Mom.

He's a nurse, which, not to be whatever,

but gay much?

Which has to be the root of this.

It's not that I'm wrong. It's he's gay.

Yes, Brooke, but I can't talk right now

because I'm taping an interview for "CBS Saturday Morning."

Sorry, yeah, I-I'm gonna need you to get up.

You are very much in the shot. - Oh, don't be sorry.

It's Lance who should be sorry.

It's just...

he really hurt me, you know?

Push in. - What?

But I am finally ready to break my silence--

and the music would be in here--

because if I can help even one woman--

now pan down to my hands. - No.

Do not pan down to her hands. Steven, can you--

both: Okay. - Oh, God, you stink.

I'm so sorry.

She's just having a really hard time.

But I promise, if you'd met her 30, 31 years ago,

you'd have really loved her.

All right, let's just pick it up

from the next question.

- Yeah. - Okay, so tell me, Pat--

what is it like being a single woman again?

Oh...

Well, I-I am trying to get back out there,

but I have to say, it's been a little hard for me.

I mean, I have a security detail

that follows me everywhere.

I can't eat in restaurants like normal,

so it just makes dating a regular person tough.

They don't all like that. - Mm.

So I just need to find a person

who isn't bothered by fame, someone more like me.

Wait, someone more like me--

this is what I've been saying.

Lance was the problem.

A strong, powerful businesswoman

can't be with a simple nurse

- Hello. - Shuli, I'm ready.

- To come back to work? - No, to date.

Who is the most powerful businessman you know?

Set me up...

With his boss.

So gay globs are attracted to other globs,

and straight globs are attracted to human women?

So Globby just being in bed

with another glob is inherently gay?

- Now you get it. - That's exactly right.

But, l-look, I-I think we're getting a little

in the weeds here.

Globby the Glob is a proud queer sack of mucus,

and in this movie, we see him in bed

with another proud queer sack of mucus.

And since this is our first film

with such an unapologetically gay scene,

we're doing a massive press push

to let the whole world know.

- Oh, you are? - Yes.

So, if you're in, it will be a bit of a whirlwind.

I-I mean, the media is gonna have a field day with this.

And you and Globby

will basically be the face of the whole movie.

So the question is, do you want to be the face

of a whole Disney movie?

The face? Whoa.

For all of the press? - Mm-hmm.

You know, I can sort of see how that logic makes sense.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, Globby's gay 'cause he's in bed with another glob.

If he was straight, he'd be in bed

with a human woman and--

Sorry, yeah, I'm just remembering

the human woman of it all, and--and it does make sense.

Okay, wow, this is actually beautiful.

Vampira opens the door, and-- and they're in bed together.

That--that is important and--and unapologetically gay.

And I'd be the voice of it? Oh, my God.

I'm the voice of Disney's

first-ever unapologetically gay character?

Okay. Yes, I am in.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

And I am actually free,

if we wanted to start press now?

I mean, sure, Globby haunts with the rest of the Buddies,

but then there is this scene that--

and I was actually skeptical of it at first,

but it's just unapologetically gay,

and it is an honor to be the face of it.

♪ Some folks are born made to wave the flag ♪

♪ Ooh, they're red, white and blue ♪

And I think once the movie comes out,

audiences are gonna see this incredibly relatable

queer character in Globby.

You know, he's out, he's proud,

he's a collection of dust particles and snot and--

- Oh, Cary Dubek. - Cary Dubek?

♪ I ain't no senator's son, son ♪

I basically demanded Disney give me this role.

I mean, I really do think that Globby could do for movies

what "Pose" did for TV, hopefully.

Sorry, it makes me emotional talking about it.

♪ But when the taxman come to the door ♪

♪ Lord, the house lookin' like a rummage sale, yeah ♪

♪ It ain't me ♪

♪ I ain't no fortunate one, no ♪

I just-- if I could have seen

a character like Globby when I was younger,

it--it really could have changed my life.

I wish my dad were alive to see Globby.

- Jesus. - Penthouse floor.

Brooke. Hey, come on in.

Wow. Don't mind if I do.

I'm a genius.

So...

- This is the place. - I see.

God, it is so nice

to be dating a powerful businessperson like me.

Oh, thank you. - Thank you.

My ex is a nurse, so I think that just led

to this huge disconnect.

Anyway, what's it like being a tech billionaire?

Oh, he'll tell you all about it.

Uh, uh, sorry. You're not my date?

Oh, no. He's your date.

Look how high I am!

- Uh... - Oh, yeah.

- Oh, um... - So fucking high.

- Hello up there! - Oh, shit.

Uh, I'm Brooke.

Aren't I so, so high?

No, yes, you are very high.

Fuck, yes, I am.

Sorry, the date's us rock climbing?

Just him. You're here to watch.

Don't let her come up! Stop her!

It--it's okay. It's okay. I'm not coming up.

I am not coming up.

Jesus.

Yes!

- Time! - Time!

And that's how you play Celebrity, bitch.

Oh, my God, okay. All right, sit down.

Sit down.

I'm so glad you could come tonight.

I haven't seen you in forever. How are things?

Oh, so crazy.

All this Globby press has been insane.

I haven't had a chance to come up for air,

like, all week. - Oh--oh, wow.

And then today Ted Cruz tweeted about Globby

and said "Haunted Buddies" was disgusting,

so now I'm in the center of this Twitter firestorm,

which is so stupid.

Oh, I hadn't seen that.

Yeah, I guess it's what comes

with being a leader in the community now.

Okay, Cary's turn.

Ooh! - All right, let's go, Cary.

60 seconds.

- Okay. - Okay. Ready?

And... go.

- All right, come on, Cary. - Come on, Cary.

Um, pass.

Okay, all right.

Um, pass.

Oh, oh, um... - Oh, okay.

Uh, James Franco, uh, was in a movie about him.

Uh, I don't know. Give me more.

Uh...

pass.

Phew. Okay.

How many did we get?

Well, out of 30 names,

you could only describe Sandra Bullock, so one.

Oh, sorry. I'm a--I'm a better guesser.

So...

where are you from?

Stop talking! I need to focus!

Oh.

Hey, Mom. What's up?

I know we were both trying to date people more like us,

so what hell are you in?

No, I'm on a private plane with Simu Liu.

Sorry, like, Simu Liu from the full Marvel Universe?

Yep, he reached out after my big interview.

We actually have a lot in common.

Ah, oh!

I mean, he has even more security than me,

so he just really gets what it's like to be famous,

which is what I need in a man.

Anyway, I'm on the Marvel plane right now,

headed to a huge fan convention in Malaysia,

and then we go to Japan and then I think Stockholm?

I don't know. I'm not sure.

I'm basically just traveling the world with Simu Liu.

Wait, have you two... had sex?

Yes, we have. He's an excellent lover.

Plus, he's in really good shape,

I think because he has to work out every 45 minutes,

or Marvel is legally allowed to put him down and recast him.

I can't believe this.

But he does spend a lot of time on the jet for his safety.

We haven't really been outside in days.

Cool. Anyway, yeah.

My date's really great, too.

Yeah, he's a really sweet, salt-of-the-earth kind of dude.

I should actually get back to him, so, um, bye-bye now.

- Bye. - Who was that?

Did you tell 'em how high I am? - Yeah, sorry.

I really need this to work.

So do you think that we could maybe do something together?

Like, maybe where I can actually see your face?

- Is this better? - Fuck.

I mean, yes.

I told my doctor to give me the biggest lips

of any man and the highest eyebrows.

And he sure did.

Okay, okay. Uh, this person is gay.

Ellen! Uh, NPH!

Uh, Ben Platt! - No.

He's a writer. He's an activist.

He wrote--he wrote "Go Tell It on the Mountain."

- Oh, James Baldwin. - Yes.

Oh, yes, that's right.

Oh, my God. Okay.

Uh, this queen is a full star--

- Ben Platt! NPH! Uh, Ellen! - No.

And for the last time, not one of us put

Ben Platt, Ellen, or NPH in the bowl.

Okay, okay, um, she's got great skin,

and she's on a bomb new Paramount+ show.

all: Oh, Curtis Paltrow!

Oh, my God. Who put me in?

I'm blushing.

Time.

Oh, yeah, how is your show going?

Well, um, we're shooting episode five right now,

and it's good, it's good.

Working with Ashley Tisdale is a little tough, though,

'cause she's not so much a scene partner

as she is as a scene adversary. - Oh, my God.

They want me on the news right now.

- What? - What?

Yeah, yeah, to talk about

all this anti-gay Globby backlash.

So dumb.

Anyway, I should do it,

just 'cause I don't want to let the community down,

since Globby has weirdly become this queer icon or whatever.

Yeah, I'm surprised Globby wasn't in the bowl.

Oh, no. God, no.

That would have been embarrassing.

Yeah, no.

All right, well, you guys keep playing.

Um, I'm just gonna go Zoom into the news

in the other room.

Oh, and if you guys could keep it down

to a whisper, that'd be great.

- Okay. - Thanks.

He's--he's really a sweet guy.

Anderson. Hello.

So you like the restaurant?

I rented out the entire place just for the two of us.

Done. Ha, I beat you.

Uh, yeah. Very cool.

A true perk of dating a successful businessperson

like me.

Um, actually, my ex was a nurse, so he--

A nurse is nothing.

How much good can one stinking nurse do?

I'm building hundreds of hospitals.

Oh, you are? That's impressive.

Good for you. - Yeah, in the metaverse.

So you're not building hospitals?

Ooh, there's a playground out there.

Quick, time me on the slide. - What? Time you on what, now?

I bet you I can go down it

faster than that stupid fucking baby!

Yeah, I bet you can?

Sorry, are we still on a date?

I just--I would really love it if you could help me

make this even a little more successful,

just 'cause my mom is on a full private jet with Simu--

Private jet? I can top that.

What? How can you top that?

Oh, my God, we're in space. - I'm the highest man alive!

Curtis, hi.

Hey, it was so good seeing you the other week,

even though you were mostly on the news.

Yeah, sorry, this whole thing has been so crazy.

I've barely been able to...

both: Come up for air. Yeah.

Hey, listen, do you want to get dinner

with me and my friends tonight?

You know, spend some actual time together? I miss you.

Um, sure, yeah.

Uh, and then my premiere is actually tonight.

So, afterwards, you should just all come to that.

Oh, um, yeah. Okay, sure, yeah.

Or wait, hold on.

Patty, how much longer do you think this will take?

Uh, a few hours.

I still have to add "Globby" to the bottom.

Damn, okay.

Uh, Curtis, I'm actually not gonna be able to make dinner,

so I'll just meet you guys at the premiere.

- Wait, what? - And heads up--

Westboro is now gonna be protesting there

because they saw me on the news.

So stupid. Anyway, I will see you guys there tonight.

Uh, yeah, okay. Uh, bye.

Bye.

Sorry, I think we now have

to go to the premiere of "Haunted Buddies 4."

- Hey, Mom! - Oh, hi, honey.

I was just calling you to see how all the dating is going.

I mean, absolutely not as good as you.

Aw.

But hopefully tonight's guy is better.

How's jetting around the world with Simu?

Oh, I don't know.

It was pretty fun at first,

but now I'm kind of having a hard time.

I just--I don't really know where I am

or when I am anymore?

The sun just keeps rising and setting.

Like, I think it's tomorrow and yesterday.

- Ma'am. - And I told Simu

we could maybe eat a meal together off the jet

if we both wore the prosthetics,

but Simu said he tried that after "Shang-Chi" came out,

but some Marvel fans

still knew it was him. - How?

I guess one of them had started living

in his walls, so she heard the plan.

Marvel fans are not well, Brookie.

Well, other than that, it sounds great.

So just relax and enjoy yourself.

You are insanely lucky.

No, you're right. You're absolutely right.

I am lucky. I'm lucky. Oh, I got to go, hon.

Simu's doing a panel in Tokyo, and our security team

said I can go as long as I'm completely hidden,

so they're gonna zip me up into a suitcase

so I can watch, or at least listen.

- Okay, well, have fun. Bye. - Bye!

And say hi to Streeter for me--

Ready?

- Brooke? - Okay, damn.

I'm liking the look of this.

Although, um, I know that you're an app developer

or whatever, but you're not a billionaire, right?

Just stay a humble millionaire?

Yes, I'm just a millionaire.

Okay. Whew!

But not just one million, right?

No, I have more than one million.

Okay, cool.

Not to be rude, it's just...

both: Having only a million dollars

is actually kind of poor.

- What? - Okay, jinx.

Now you have to buy me a Coke.

Over here. Over here.

You know, I have to say, this is a historic night.

We at GLAAD are just so excited

to see Disney's first-ever unapologetically gay scene.

And we are here to demand that scene

be taken out of the movie! - Yeah!

Take it out!

Leave it in!

- Take it out! - Leave it in!

Oh, God. Where are they?

Hey.

Oh, great. There you are!

- Yeah. - You're late.

Yeah, that's because you just added this

to our already-scheduled dinner.

Uh, sorry, we know, but we're here now.

Okay, are you guys ready to step

into an absolute inferno? Let's hold hands.

Wait, I'm--I'm sorry. Are we walking the red carpet?

Yes! Hello, Globby Nation!

Uh, me and my friends are here to say

that we are not afraid of today's protests

because we are all strong, gay men.

- I'm actually bi. - Uh, I don't use gay.

Shh, I got this.

Okay, let's all get in for a pic and say,

"We're here, we're queer, we're Globby!"

Great.

Okay, please head inside.

The premiere will begin shortly.

All right, time to watch history be made.

Jesus Christ.

- Take it out! - Hi.

And, yeah, I mean, I did just get

out of a ten-year relationship that ravaged me emotionally.

But... - Hmm.

Now I am single and loving it.

And I got to say--

I really love how both your lips touch when you chew.

It has been very clutch, visually.

Thank you?

I was actually at this same restaurant

a week ago with a full billionaire,

and his lips looked like two fat slugs

had fallen asleep on his face.

And he took me to outer space? It was not good.

Uh, what's with these billionaires?

It's like the split second they get all that money,

their brain just seeps out of their skull?

I think that's literally what happens.

So, yes, I am glad you are not one.

Oh, that's work calling, which is weird.

I don't need to take it.

No, go ahead. It's fine.

Yeah?

And I will head to the little girls' room

to freshen up, so we can move this back

to your place?

Hello?

Wait, what's that? What are you--what are you saying, Ted?

Ah. Ma, ma, ma.

Oh, my God. Our app sold?

Our app just fully sold? Right this sec--

Okay, back to my millionaire I go.

Hmm.

Hi.

Hmm.

Wait, where did-- - Yes! Look how high I am!

Wait. What the fuck is going on?

I'm a billionaire, baby.

- What? - Fuck, yes!

Since when?

And how do you already have lip filler?

I'm so confused. - No, I'm confused.

Oh, my God, we're not going back

to your place anymore now, are we?

No, we're going somewhere even better.

We're going to--

I'm in space!

My fucking God.

It's worse than we feared, Vampira!

We must hurry. His weapon will soon be fully powered.

We are running out of time. - I'll round up the others.

Okay, here it comes. It's right after this.

Globby, let's go. We're late for the mission.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

That's Professor Sinister's castle there!

Okay, tell me when. So excited to see!

Yeah, tell me when! Eeeeh!

What do you mean? That--that was it.

Were you not watching?

Wait. What did he say?

- He said that was it. - What was it?

He said it already happened. But when? And, also, where?

I think he said it was before this

Yeah, he said it already happened.

- Cary said it happened. - He said it happened.

Wait, uh, Cary, I'm hearing the scene happened?

What was it? Sorry.

We just want to tell people we support it!

Wait, shit, we missed the scene?

We all wanted to throw eggs at it!

Shh, the movie's still happening.

- Yeah, be quiet. - Yeah.

- No, wait, can we pause it? - What?

I want to get to the bottom of this!

Yeah, maybe let's bring up the lights?

I-I'm just so confused. - Yeah, bring up the lights.

Sorry, uh, help me out, Car!

Where was the unapologetically gay scene

you've been telling press about?

- Yes, where is the scene? - Uh...

Yeah, where is the scene?

I mean, I-I don't know what else to say.

It was right there--

the two gay globs in bed together.

That was it?

Uh, how are we supposed to know they were gay?

Nothing about the scene was gay.

Yeah-huh.

I mean, if Globby was straight,

he would have been in bed with a human woman.

What? That--that's, like, glob logic

that none of us could possibly know.

Wait, so you're saying in this universe,

straight globs are attracted to human women,

and gay globs are attracted to other globs?

Yes?

So how are glob babies made?

A straight glob has sex with a human woman,

and that makes a baby glob?

But wouldn't that be a half-human-half-glob?

How are full globs made? - Oh, yeah, good call.

- Well... - You know what?

If you guys want to take the scene out, it's fine.

No, dude, you can totally leave it in.

Sorry we got so riled up. - It's not your fault.

Uh, there--uh, there was actually more to the scene.

- Oh. - Shh, shh, shh.

But Disney, um... they cut it.

- Oh. - Oh. Oh, okay, then.

- Oh, my God. - That makes sense.

Disney does suck. What was cut?

- Yeah, what, what was cut? - Uh...

My glob, um... sucked the other glob's dick?

- What? - No.

- What? - In a kids' movie?

No, I'm joking. I'm joking.

Uh, but, uh, what was cut was, um...

So... - All right, you know what?

Um, you guys must be famished from all that protesting,

so what do you say you all go get dinner?

I mean, I could eat.

- You like pizza? - Yeah.

Hey, I'm--I'm Mark, by the way.

Hey, I'm Terry.

Ladies and gentlemen, please be patient.

We will have the--

Oh, my God. This is so embarrassing.

That was so funny.

Okay, great. That's 48 and 49--

Ooh, we're right above Ohio, where I used to live.

Yuck. So lucky you got out of there.

Okay, Simu.

We'll be landing in Chicago for your next panel soon.

Pat, if you want to watch,

you should zip into your suitcase in the next ten.

Oh, okay.

Ooh, look, a rocket heading back to Earth!

I wonder who's on that.

Yeah! I did it! I was so high!

I am better than all other men! Me am the most man!

Oh, my God, shut the fuck up!

I cannot believe I have been to full space

twice in one week!

Like, what the actual fuck, dude?

You stupid men just get a shit ton of money

and pop on a little cowboy hat

and ride a dentist's chair to space?

Like, what is this for?

Like, you don't have to do as much good as a nurse

or whatever, but, uh, my God, y'all just do no good?

I do good.

I've already drawn up plans to build dozens of schools.

- Oh, you have? - Yeah, in the metaverse.

Jesus Christ!

Ugh! You all just have all the money and the power,

and you do nothing.

You do nothing.

- And aren't you like me? - God...

I mean, I thought so, but clearly not!

No, I mean, you're a manager.

You represent Pat Dubek and ChaseDreams.

Don't they have, like, a billion dollars together?

Yeah, I mean, they probably do, but--

And you represent them,

which means that you have power,

and you have access to their money and power.

So what are you doing with all of it?

Oh, my God.

I didn't need to leave the industry to do good.

I can do good using the industry.

- Hello? - Shuli? It's Brooke.

You are not gonna believe this, but a straight man

actually just taught me something,

and I think I might be ready to come back to work.

- Oh, good. - Yep.

Starting tomorrow, I am going to revolutionize

the entire industry.

I am going to use my power...

for good.

I mean, if you need more time--

Fuck.

Cary, hold--hold up. Wait.

Are--are you okay?

What? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, they really did cut more gay stuff from the movie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, I'm sure they did.

Oh, my God, wait, did Westboro still egg you?

- Oh, no, GLAAD did. - Oof.

Yeah.

Um, hey, would you want to get a drink?

I feel like it would be good to talk.

Oh, thanks, but I'm--I'm tired.

I think I'm just gonna head home, pass out.

Yeah. Uh, okay.

Good night, Cary. - Night.

Oh, my God, my jacket.

You know, it's actually better

that you can't tell that Globby's gay

because his sexuality is beside the point on purpose.

And, uh, if you just give me one more press cycle,

I can explain how.

- Yeah. - God.

- I hope they hear me.

I hope they hear me.

Ugh, it's too late. - Too late.

- It's too late. - Yeah, yeah.

- ♪ Whoo, keepin' my freak, keep dreamin' ♪

♪ They gonna keep thievin', they gonna keep schemin' ♪

♪ But this don't never stop, it's a lifestyle, homey ♪

♪ Lifestyle, homey, but for those who know me ♪

♪ This don't never stop ♪

♪ The time is now, it's about to go down ♪

♪ You better duck when you hear that sound ♪

♪ Boom, 'cause this don't never stop ♪

♪ I hope you with me ♪ - ♪ Uh-huh ♪

- ♪ I hope you with me ♪ - ♪ Uh-huh ♪