Original subtitles

Wait a second.

There's a recording device under here.

Oh, is there really?

You're not even playing.

♪ Smart ♪

♪ Less ♪

♪ Smart ♪

♪ Less ♪

Sean, too rock-n-roll?

Do I look like--

♪ No-no-no... No, no, no... ♪

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

They're doing a remake of Pretty Women,

but with the guy. So, he's the guy.

But do I look like Chrissie Hynde?

I don't wanna look like Chrissie Hynde.

You look like one of those things,

like you come in, with your shades on, you go...

♪ Oh, yeah... Ba-da-ba-bum ♪

♪ Ba-da-ba-ba-bum ♪

♪ Chik... chik... kah ♪

I wear what I'm told.

♪ Na-na-na... Cool dad ♪

♪ Da-da-da... I'm young ♪

So, I'm trying to figure out

should I bring my sister on first?

Should I bring her in the middle?

Should I bring her in the end?

Does she wanna come out at all?

My guess is, she doesn't wanna do any of it.

She just wants to wave and say, "Hello" if anything.

But I'm gonna try and convince her to come out and maybe do

little bit at the top. But if I...

If I lead them to believe

that she's actually the mystery guest,

I feel like they may go on too long.

They may be so enthralled

with beating the shit out of me in the best way...

that I can't get in there to get her... you know what I mean?

Wait, are you doing a private testimonial?

Yeah. I've been doing them this entire time.

You like that stuff?

No, I don't want them to think that

- we were rude and we didn't try everything. - Yeah.

- Mmm-hmm. Oh, wow. - These are so good.

Just half? Samuel?

You already put it in your mouth.

- Yeah, I'm not gonna eat that. - Why would you eat that?

Mmm...

I'll give you one anyway.

Did you wear any of this before?

And it's all in black.

Shoes and pants.

- It's what? All black? - Mmm-hmm.

- Good for you. - You want all black like that?

Well, why not? I mean...

like there was a navy work in there.

These are actually olive pants...

- Mmm-hmm. - ...that were...

on the sheet.

And, um...

- I don't think it was happening. - Mmm-hmm.

And brown boots...

The brown boots have no tread.

And since we're going into weather,

I thought, I don't wanna fall on my ass.

The, um...

So you don't want this last one?

The brown shoes with the whole black outfit,

that would've been a nightmare.

Is that your second one?

Yeah. There's a whole other bag of 'em.

- You needed two? - I did.

- One didn't do it? - No.

I'm going on stage. I need to watch my weight.

I feel like I've put on some weight on this tour.

My body dysmorphia...

which has been aided by my friend...

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Um...

...is pretty bad.

I'm a pig. He's right.

I'm an animal.

And I barely deserve to be on this planet.

- Yeah, I need to lose, like, ten pounds. - No.

- No, I do. I do. - I don't think so.

But you know, I got three kids...

The way they eat... the kind of food that they like...

I'd do a pretty good job, but also...

I don't wanna be depriving them of...

fun and being a kid and having...

Yeah, fruit loops is so fun.

'Cause I don't want... they're gonna have eating disorders

and have a lot of issues with it.

And their relationship with food will be fucked up.

You don't think eating healthy

can exist without an eating disorder?

It can. But it's a lot of talking about it.

Well, sometimes, it takes repetition

to really grind it in.

I know I need it.

Okay, Great Santini.

Hi, come on in.

Oh, I forgot this.

Bye, thank you.

Hey, I got a look at your sheets.

I hope left a tip for that.

Yeah, I put it on your card.

Hi.

- Hilarious. - Really funny.

Um...

I find myself in a really good rhythm

with this travel thing.

I usually don't like traveling,

but...

checking in, checking out, zipping up, zipping out...

- Um... - What, when...

on tour, you really, how you don't do anything?

I guess that's the part that's feeling kind of smooth.

By the way, you know we're on LSD, right?

- Right now? Still. - Yeah. Like short drive.

Oh, God. Thank God.

You got me so worried that I as on acid.

Huh...

- Hello. - Hi.

I haven't sat in this seat yet.

- Oh... - Thank you.

- Huh... - Is the flight only half an hour?

- Yeah. - If that.

And we're not getting higher than 300 feet off the ground.

We're actually taking the highway.

So, I go to Safari

and I just type in Wordle.

Every time.

"A daily word game."

Oh, work it, Will.

Really concentrate, bro

and see if you can figure it out.

He thinks that if he thinks hard enough,

it'll come to him

what the five-letter word is today.

Stupid ass.

Just start with something.

Oof...

Not a good start.

I got one in the wrong place.

I got two in the wrong place.

And now I have three all in the wrong place.

I'm doing real bad.

Guys, I got it in five.

Does anybody want hints?

Ah, fuck. I got it in four, but...

What?

Oh, I did this one last night.

And I didn't remember it took me four tries.

You guys both got it in four?

Yeah.

Well, I'm new at this. Watch your soda pop.

Guys, we're blasting off.

Guys, we're blasting.

And welcome to Madison.

Thanks, guys.

- Hello... good. How are ya? - Hi, how are you?

- I'm Sean. - Oh, look at this.

Oh, my God.

Who me?

What?

- Sean, you have pulled up the Waze... - On the Waze...

...you are on a bus.

Hmm...

It is an exercise in powerlessness, Sean.

No, I know. Yeah. Okay.

So glad we didn't do three hours in here, I'm already carsick.

Yeah, I know.

It's a nice bus.

How much further do we have, Sean?

12 minutes.

What if I open this and somebody was in there?

- Like your dad? - Oh, God.

Oi. Where are you based out of?

Oh, yeah?

Where did you sleep last night?

At a hotel just south of Chicago.

Why didn't you just sleep in here?

No shower in here?

Ah...

- I get it. - There's the capital building.

The famous Madison Capital.

It's the capital of Wisconsin, you fucking moron.

These are the longest ten minutes in the world. Right?

A watched pot never boils.

- Five minutes. - What did he say?

Bang!

That's how quick.

You notice I went right for the end of the chin,

the furthest point from the top of the head.

That's how you knock a guy out.

This is what they taught you in fight camp?

No, this is what they taught me in life.

There's a frozen lake.

Huh? Which lake is that, smart guy?

This is Lake Mendota.

- Is it one of the Great Lakes? - No.

Is it in the Great Lake system?

Lake Mendota. No...

- Great Lakes? - ...like this.

No, the Great Lakes are to the east of here.

And that would be Michigan

and also to the north of here would be Superior.

And we're definitely not in, like, a big city.

Should we push the show back, maybe?

Nothing would make traveling more exciting.

These guys are out there

- fishing a bit. - Are they?

Those two fellows are deep.

Oh, fuck.

We got bass. We got perch.

We got fucking Northern pike.

We got fucking it all, eh?

Yeah, really fat fish swimming this time of year.

Like, I'll tell you what,

you get on your snow machine,

you can get out there and get going pretty good, you know?

That's for sure.

You hungry, Scotty?

Look what I prepared for you.

Oh, thank you. Welcome.

Edgewater...

Edgewater. We're out on the edge of the water. Do you get it?

Oh, people are walking right there.

Let's get out there.

Have you ever walked to the lake before?

- No. Have you? - Yeah.

I don't need the yeah.

It's the best.

Well, let's do it.

When would we get another chance?

You guys, we're at the edge of the water.

Look at all the people walking out here on the ice.

Oh, my God. They're walking on the ice?

What are they doing?

Why would they do this?

Look. There're stairs right there.

It's part of the hotel.

I mean, they got hockey nets out there.

Fuckin' where? oh, fuck...

They got a rink out there. Oh, shit.

Let's check it out there and walk.

I'm going out there and walking.

Did we press the right one?

You pressed one? Oh, you did!

Oh...

You got your sunglasses on for a fucking arctic day?

There hasn't been sun here for a week.

'Cause I didn't want to get that look.

Which is this shit look.

Sean. Back me up on this.

Oh...

- Is this correct? - Yeah.

No. Not one, you dummy.

Well, where does everyone else

put their bottom floor?

What?

Where was the main floor that we got off?

Oh, the star, the six...

- Seven. - That's why it was a short elevator ride.

- You're so dumb. - Yeah... well...

Oh, my God. I can smell how dumb you are.

Six.

Who builds the first floor at number six?

- 'Cause it's on a hill. - Oh, yes.

- Four. - Oh, my gosh.

I've never gotten off one elevator...

so many times.

Three... big idiots.

Why wouldn't you bring your gloves on this?

I know. They're in my bag.

I really hope one of us falls on the ice.

I really hope one of us doesn't.

Hi. Which way do we go for a lake-walk?

A lake-walk. Absolutely.

Like on to the ice?

And it's safe?

Look at this.

Guys, I'm cold.

You got really good shoes on for this, Willie.

Yup.

Plus, I'm not a pussy, 'cause I'm Canadian.

By the way, this place is fucking rad.

I bet in the summer, this will be a great spot to sit down

and have a couple of cold ones, bud.

Wow, this is pretty cool.

Smash cut.

Send me the rope!

Just throw the rope!

I can't feel...

Oh, my God. Can you imagine?

This doesn't scare you?

Yeah. Wait till I fall on my ass

in my dumbass boots.

Leave you hands available for slipping.

This is so scary.

Hang out and play with the crack right there.

- Oh, I do that every night. - Hey-oh.

Wait, we're walking on the lake.

This is so crazy.

It's wet.

It's pretty frozen.

What is that game over there? What is that thing?

- Hockey. - It is?

Why is it wet?

- Does that mean it's thinner? - Yeah, 'cause they fucking...

smooth is over or whatever.

How do you smooth it?

Does that mean when you walk on there, you fall in?

Probably not.

Let's go, check it out, Sean.

I don't wanna keep walking that way.

Are you nervous?

Yeah, I don't wanna walk where it's slushy.

We're in the middle of the fucking lake.

What a bully.

Oh, God.

No. No.

It's your turn, sister.

No, I talk my problems out.

I gotta go. Freezing.

- Where you going? - It's cold!

Yeah, let's not ruin a good thing, all right?

- Oh, that's it? - Congrats, guys.

The term is "Indoor Cats".

Wait. Everybody stop for a second.

- Okay. - We need dance music.

Scotty, can you help?

This is the dance move my sister taught me

before my fourth grade dance.

And then when I got out on the dance floor,

the girl said, "Is that the only step you know?"

She walked off the dance floor

- and I've never danced since. - Oh...

- Is that true? - That's a true story.

- Really? - ♪ Everybody dance now ♪

♪ Give me the music ♪

♪ Give me the music ♪

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

I can't. Okay, we're done.

Let's see how this guy did.

Oh yeah, Okay. Well, we're gonna get you out there.

This and that and that.

And that.

To be able to do that all...

at a nuclear power plant...

By the way, he's holding the Norwegian flag

as he does it.

- We got food coming. - Did you order?

I got a salad.

I sure did.

Do you know the expression, "Can't win"?

Yeah.

By the way, she said 06:45

and it's 06:45.

Now, thank you, professor.

"According to my calculations

Madison should have never been built."

"Uh... The table water level

is much too high, I said."

- Oh, my gosh. - Oh, my God. There she is.

Hold on.

What are we gonna find out that you dripped...

into tonight?

That's what... here's your fried chicken salad.

Oh...

That's such an oxymoron.

He didn't ask me what kind of salad

- and I was just waiting... - Oh, look they put a funny...

cock on your thing.

- You know, it's W-A-asshole. - They think you're a dickhead.

When you order fried chicken salad,

it's gotta be a dickhead.

Hey, fuck off, dude.

You don't need to turn it over, by the way.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'm not gonna turn it over.

Only thing I'm turning over

is my will to the power of God.

Thank you so much.

- Thank you... - Second meal?

- Oh... - Oh, girl.

♪ You'd be in trouble If you ate my fries... ♪

- Oh, they put cheese on it... - I'm confused.

This is the specialty?

It's just meat.

I'm so sorry.

This fucking salad is delicious.

How did you get lettuce and tomato on all the stuff of yours?

- I don't know. - Want some ketch?

I got that.

I got some waffle fries.

I wanna trade you my waffle fries

for the rest of your salad.

Nope.

You're still bummed.

And you ribbed me and everything and now you're really jealous.

I realize I can't have all this gluten.

I'll shit my pants in the middle of the interview.

I'm praying for that.

Thanks, man.

I'd tell ya, I eat...

Try to fucking get it down your hole

and then communicate.

While his mouth is full.

While his fucking mouth is full.

My lips are longer.

My lips are longer.

No, you just got a bigger mouth.

- Semantics. - Waffle fries.

Tremendous.

To me, second only to onion rings.

- Curly fries. - What's the difference? They're all...

It's all a fried potato.

What do you mean, "What's the difference?"

It's the shape and the seasoning, Sean.

And the curly fry is able to get crispier

than the waffle fry, because it's leaner.

- I admit it. - A leaner cut.

So, I'm crispier.

Do you know that he teaches fries at Cal State Fullerton?

I feel like I might need to take a shower

after that burger.

I got stuff caught in my teeth.

He showers after he eats.

Yeah.

I can't believe you do that, too.

I do it exactly the same.

I've never heard more talk about like...

shower and the thing and what we do and...

Blah, blah, blah, blah... never heard more.

Um, Jason, Jason...

Phone, headphones, TV, everything...

ba-da-da-da-da... constantly...

Don't touch my shit.

Constant... just stuff coming in at all times.

How about sitting with yourself?

Is that too scary?

You've tried it, right?

You've sat with me.

I'll be back.

Uh-oh... somebody just... are you having a contraction?

- Is he gonna poo? - He better not.

The hair is not really happening tonight.

I should have brought the other piece.

Rock Dad.

"Hey, kids. Hey, gang. I'm Rock Dad.

I'm gonna get a pretty rad new Harley."

- Hey. - Hi, how are you? Are we ready?

- Let's go, Sean. - Let's go. Let's go.

Is it... are we...

Hi!

I'll see you out there.

- Oh, God. - I hope. Only if you feel it.

It's your decision.

Don't you let Sean force you.

Take your time with the house lights.

- Oh, wait. - Yeah.

- Oh... oh, wait. - Um...

Take your time with the house lights.

- Wait. I think we're on right now. - Oh...

- We should... yeah... - Okay, so...

No flash photography.

Don't use your fucking cellphones.

Don't record, have a good time...

say hi to your neighbor.

And this is SmartLess!

Hello, Madison!

Whoo!

We...

We finally made it to Madison, Wisconsin.

What's that?

Okay. I gotta...

I gotta say a little bit,

you know, as you guys know,

you're a big part of the podcast

and coming here today

kinda feels a little bit like a home game.

Yeah, yeah. And a shoutout to The Edgewater Hotel

- who housed us for four hours today. - Yeah.

It's right on the frozen lake

and us soft little LA freaks,

we're like, "Well, that lake's frozen.

I see people walking on it. Should we go walk on it?"

So, we walked on it.

Not to pull rank too much,

but neither of them had ever been out

on a frozen lake before,

which you guys know is just what you do.

Look, as a Canadian, I get it.

- Hey, let's sit down. - Um...

Wait. Let's switch seats...

Oh, let's switch...

So, you know, we're here because

my sister lives in Wisconsin...

And... yeah, yeah.

And just one quick Tracy story,

she came to pick me up at college after my fourth year

and she came in some pickup truck or something.

And we got high before we got into the truck.

- And we got... - Sean...

- Come on. - What?

Drugs?

That's a good one. And...

I'm driving up Route 55,

listening to Madonna

and we're both like in our own world,

like we're actually Madonna and like...

♪ Just like a prayer ♪

All of a sudden I open my eyes and in the rear view mirror

I just see some pants.

And then a shirt.

And then she's driving. She's like...

"Holy shit!" Some more pants and some socks

and like a suit...

And then we're like, "Maybe we should pull over."

We pulled over and I'm talking like...

two miles of clothes...

...behind us. Right?

And we just... what do we do? Should we go back and get it?

No, we didn't get... we just drove the fuck home.

But you know, why finish any of these stories,

when I can have Tracy tell them herself.

What?

Yeah. Yeah.

- Whoo! - You guys!

Tracy!

Thank you for being here.

She doesn't look like she needs

anything explained to her.

How fucking weird is it?

- It is weird. - Right.

And all these people know who you are, because...

we talk about you all the time.

- Yeah. - Here's the thing...

I am a single mom

- and I'm at home... - Tracy!

and I literally, it makes my Monday...

I think it makes everybody's Monday morning

- to look forward to that. - That's nice.

Yup.

So, I really appreciate you guys...

- That's what-- - ...involving me.

You used to be a police officer.

I'm obsessed with crazy police stories.

Do you have a crazy one?

- You used to be a police officer? - Yeah.

- Hang on a second. - Well, we didn't know that.

So, I was a cop for 15 years.

But we lived in Glen Ellyn, Illinois,

where the worst thing that would happen

- if somebody's bike-- - You don't say that.

- Well, bike-- - You weren't there.

No, like, okay...

Did you ever work on a case of a weed-smoking couple

who lost a bunch of clothes on the highway?

Did you guys ever solve that case?

What was the most dangerous thing you were ever involved with as a cop?

You know, burglaries and...

domestic... probably domestic.

Did you see any dead bodies?

- Yeah, a ton. - You did?

- No way. - Then that became normal to you?

- Yeah. That doesn't bother me. - Okay. Great.

Really, really? Did you ever see anybody...

uh... get dead?

Is that the way you say it, Will?

- A murder. No. - "Die".

Even die he made longer.

We're having fun, Tracy.

Were you a motorcycle cop or did you drive a car?

I drove a car.

- Dude, she could've been a motorcycle cop... - Okay, but I mean...

We didn't have motorcycle cops.

- You didn't have motorcycle cops? - No.

Oh, 'cause of weather, right?

What?

Now you can see in person

what we're dealing with. It's...

It's absurd.

But if you're in a place that has a lot of winter...

um...

You can't have...

you can't have a motorcycle cop,

- 'cause you got snow and ice and stuff like that... - Good for you, dude.

I figured...

You see, I have a process

that I figure stuff out.

Um...

What was one of the best memories you have of me?

Well, growing up we had just us five kids.

- Yeah. Chaos. -"Just us five kids"?

We were the two youngest, so we kinda stuck together.

Poor guy. I made him do, like,

baton lessons and cheerleading...

- I mean, it was bad. - Yeah, she did.

- She did. You wanna do a cheer together right now? - No.

Oh, please do a cheer now.

- No. - Oh, my God.

Right now. Right now.

Okay, I'm gonna do it.

- Here we go. - I am not doing it.

Five, six, seven, eight...

We've got power.

Wild cat power.

P-O-W...

E-R... We've got power.

We've got power.

Stand up.

Thank you. I love you.

Madison's own, Tracy.

Let's move on, shall we?

Where are we going?

We're gonna go on a little trip, Jason.

You know how you wonder how sometimes certain people

in our business become successful

and then they sustain that success, right?

Sure you need talent and brains

and ability to capture an audience,

but I found the secret ingredient

to becoming a superstar

is being a nice person.

- Huh! - Right?

This person is one of those people.

He's one of the nicest, kindest people

I've ever had the pleasure of being friends with.

He's the first person to introduce me to a Segway.

The scooter. Not how to connect thoughts.

He's played an attorney,

a pickpocket, a talking shrimp

and a spy for the FBI.

He also happened to appear with me on one of the funniest episodes

of Will Grace.

Unlike how he's treated by Jimmy Kimmel,

we have plenty of time for him tonight,

- it's Matt Damon. - What?

Whoo!

- Hey, buddy. - Hey, buddy.

What?

I know you're probably wondering who cancelled

and thank you for replacing at the last minute.

- You're very welcome. - Yeah.

If I was ever gonna do this show,

it would have to be in Wisconsin, right?

He's the perfect example of the nicest guy

- in the world. - That's why I said.

The kindness that you have

is so authentic and sincere

and organic.

What is is that keeps you from

behaving badly...

And let me just say before you answer that,

Jason wants to know why aren't you giving into your desire

to be shitty to people...

...because he finds it

really hard to bury it.

Is it similar to how he buries it?

Go ahead.

I don't know. I never had an impulse to do that.

I think I was just lucky I had great parents,

a great big brother and a great foundation.

So, were your parents in the arts or no?

No. No. My mom's a professor

of early childhood education.

Oh, wow.

You went to Harvard, right?

You only went for one year. Did you go for four years or what?

I went for five years.

- Oh... - Did you really?

Yeah, I got credit for three of them.

Was it hard?

- The school? - Just humor him.

Was Harvard hard?

I don't have a high school diploma.

Please bear with me.

I mean, obviously it was hard. I didn't finish.

So, you know...

Did not finish? Did not graduate?

No, no, no. I'm still on a leave of absence, guys, ok?

- Right. - This ain't over yet.

Okay? Don't count me out.

I would be a senior if I went back.

You were so close.

You know, have you ever done a commencement speech?

I did the commencement speech at MIT.

Yeah. They don't ask me for that stuff.

Ben, I know he did one at Brown.

And Ben got a diploma from Brown.

Tracy, that's Ben Affleck.

Yeah. And...

The great thing about that was that

John Krasinski went to Brown

and is very proud of that.

And studied, I mean, worked really hard for four years

and got a diploma and Ben called him

and said, "I was in Rhode Island for 45 minutes

and I..."

- I love that. - Hang on.

Bear with me for one more second.

if you give a commencement speech,

- you get a diploma... - Yes.

An honorary doctorate.

- Doctorate? - I got one of those, too.

Do you have to have a high school diploma before?

- No! - By the way, by the way,

- asking for a friend. - I'm just asking for a friend.

I don't think I know this answer.

When did you meet Ben Affleck?

I was ten and he was eight.

- And... Oh... - Really?

We grew up 200 yards away from each other.

- And met each other-- - Like out on the street playing...

Yeah, we used to play little league together

and we used to play... When he got to high school,

I was a junior and he was a freshman.

- And that's when we really started... - Oh, wow...

...hanging. And he'd been on an after-school special,

he'd been on a... he was like the big star

- of high school... - And was he like a big shot?

When he arrived at the high school,

I had to set him straight...

'Cause I was the lord of that theater department.

And I went up to him,

like, first day and like pulled him up

and was like, "Hey..."

"...You know, it's different here in the theater."

You went straight douche right away.

You're not gonna get by on your looks.

Oh...

- That's hilarious. - And we were both like 5'2''.

- What about... you ever done a musical? - Yes.

- You have? - Of course.

- Hang on... - What did you do?

- I was Pippin. - No way.

- Heck yeah. Yeah. - What!

- I totally-- - ♪ Everything has its season ♪

♪ Everything has its time ♪

♪ Show me a reason ♪

♪ And I'll soon Show you a rhyme ♪

Oh, my God.

I literally, I sing that to my daughter

- Really? - ...to drive her... I do. With the choreography

we did, it was like...

Let's see it. Here we go!

- Literally like... - A five, six, seven, eight...

It was like...

♪ Rivers belong Where they can ramble ♪

♪ Eagles... ♪

- That was literally the choreography. - Yeah.

So, that's my kryptonite.

I can't sing in the shower either.

I can't sing either.

That sounded pretty good.

You still love theater, you still want to do theater?

Actually, I was gonna say because...

Leave it. Don't. Keep it there.

Keep talking.

When I went to see you on Broadway...

- Was this Promises, Promises? - It was Promises, Promises.

And so...

Hold for applause, Matt.

- Obviously he was amazing. - Yeah...

It was deep into the run though.

And we went backstage and...

It made me never wanna do theater again.

I was like, "Hey. What's going on? Hi."

Scotty just had his hand around.

He's just holding you up.

You were like, "Eight shows a week. Who would do this?

Yeah...

And you still had, like, a month-and-a-half to go.

Yeah. You were so nice to come. A. And B...

I sent you a long time ago as a birthday gift...

t-shirts with my picture on it.

- Oh, that's right. - And you wore it to the show.

- That's right. - Oh, my God.

- That's right. I totally forgot about that. - Yeah.

And you had holes in it.

And you were like, "I sleep in it."

Because I did. Because you know those shirts that you wash so many times?

- Yeah. - They're like, they're better...

That was my Sean Hayes shirt...

Yeah.

I too get better the more you wash me.

He did this episode of Will Grace.

- Oh, my God. - He played this guy who actually pretended to be gay,

so he could sing in the gay men's chorus.

Because they were going to Europe

- and he wanted the free trip to Europe. - Right.

It was such a...

It was so stupid.

It was so funny though.

Did you sing on the show?

- Yeah, he did. - In the chorus, we all sang.

But the whole idea was that Sean,

- he figures it out. - And I'm like, "You're straight.

- I know you're straight." - And so, he tries to "in" me.

- Right. - Instead of out him.

I couldn't believe how

by that point, because you'd

put all the work in for ten years,

how little you guys worked.

- I was like, "Holy shit." - Yeah.

- It's amazing. - It was criminal.

Well, James Burrows, who's one of the greatest directors of all time...

- Yeah. - He's got me like this, right?

So, now... and I got spoiled at such a young age,

so now when I'm on set, I'm like...

"What's taking so long?" You know.

I wanna talk about, you know.

I know you're so sick of talking about...

You have typed questions.

You know what?

- That's amazing, by the way. - Sean prepares. Sean prepares.

That's harder than you worked on that episode

of Will Grace.

Without a doubt.

It's so true and I made so much money.

Sean is...

Sean is so organized.

One of things that we're finding out in this tour

- Oh, my God. - is, Sean is...

It's insane. So, the other night,

we all had dinner, like eight or ten of us.

The food arrived. We started eating.

Sean's finished in, I don't know,

maybe two minutes.

And he stands up and starts... he clears his plate

and then he starts clearing all the loose ends

and then he starts clearing the plate like... No, no, no. I'm not done yet.

What... Right?

- Still chewing. - Now this is a hotel room.

There're people who're gonna come and clean it anyway.

But no. He's cleaning it.

You know, my wife does this exact same thing.

It drives me crazy.

It's bonkers.

I'm like, "Why are you busing the table?"

Like, I'm eating my food...

- Like, I'm not... - He likes order.

He doesn't like chaos. He likes things done tight

or being driven here in a tour bus.

- Yeah. - And he's got...

he's got Waze open...

- Yeah. - ...to make sure the driver

- is on the right route. - Not a bit.

And so, we keep going, every thirty seconds we go,

"How much longer, Sean?" He's like, "Three minutes."

But I'm starting a new app.

It's not called Waze, it's called "Gays."

It's much faster.

It's much faster...

It's much faster.

With a more handsome font.

Yeah...

Uh, I wanna...

I wanna start at the beginning.

No.

I know you're sick of talking about Good Will Hunting.

And just bear with me here,

because there are young people starting out

that love this story.

You just fucking did it. Like you just...

You're like, "Well, I wanna work.

So, maybe I should just write my own thing. Right?"

And then won and Oscar for the script.

- It's like... - I mean, it worked out.

Yeah... Yeah, for you to just... Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, it worked out.

We were desperate. We were unemployed,

struggling actors and...

It was that movie, Primal Fear...

- Auditioned for it. - Yeah.

I swear to God, I auditioned for it in Chicago.

Right. I paid for a dialect coach

to prepare for the audition.

'Cause he switches from Southern to normal

- or normal to Southern. - It's like a Jekyll Hyde...

- thing. -"Normal".

Did you say, "Southern to normal"?

Oh, God.

I'm terrified for you, buddy.

I gotta be honest.

The country just got cut in half.

And you can't...

You can only go to half the country now.

Where do you guys shoot Ozark?

Yeah.

So...

- Oh, God bless him. - But the idea

was that there are two distinctive voices

that come from this guy.

Both perfectly good voices.

Yes.

Two excellent, distinctive voices.

But it's an actor's dream,

because it's... It's a really showcasing part for him.

- Right. - So, Ben and I realized,

"What are the chances that, A, another one's gonna come

in the next five years...

and B, that even if it does,

we'll be the ones to get it?"

We'll get called back, we'll get close.

Remember? Oh, you don't remember auditioning.

- Yes, I do. - You were like a star for the whole...

You were a fucking star

- when you were like eight. - Exactly.

And I was watching you like, "That guy, I could do that."

"I could do that."

So, that kind of started us thinking about...

- writing. - 'Cause you were dying to be an actor,

- not a writer. - Right. Right.

We were writing just literally to give ourselves...

And you win an Oscar for writing.

I know. It's weird.

I've never gotten any award of any kind for acting.

- That's crazy. - You get nominated a shit ton of times, I'll bet.

I mean, I got a Golden Globe.

- Well, that's something. - Yeah, that's something.

- Come on. - For The Martian, right?

- For The Martian. - Yes.

Thank you. They gave it to me

in the category of "Musical or comedy".

No way.

- No way! - 100 percent.

By the way, it's one of my favorite movies of all time.

It's so good.

- I appreciate it. Thank you. - I wanna ask you this,

the fucking Bourne movies...

That's crazy.

What was that experience like?

Because that, to me, is it.

And would you ever go through that training process again?

- I was 45 on the last one. - It hurt.

Yeah and people would go like...

"Hey man. How did you get...?" And I'd go, "Not worth it."

Right.

Do you have any long-lasting injuries from all of that?

No, no. It's all... little...

nick and cuts and stuff from those fight scenes, but...

You know, they're pulling their punches.

In fact, on the first movie

The Bourne Identity, I fight this guy in an apartment.

Nicky Node was his name and Nicky was...

- In Paris. - In Paris.

Yeah. I know.

Why are you telling me stuff I know, Matt?

Sorry. Sorry.

Nicky was a professional...

had been a professional kickboxer

and he was an actor and a stuntman and so...

I went to him before we shot.

And I said, "Look, I'm really sorry.

I'm gonna accidentally hit you..."

"I mean, I just know I am.

"For every time I hit you,

I'll give you a bottle of champagne."

And Nicky goes, "Well, this is good.

Yes."

So, by the end of the day,

I owed the dude a case of champagne.

But...

he had been used to, like, fighting professionally.

He was like, "It did not hurt at all."

He was fine. You know what I mean. He was like...

He was thirsty, he was leaning into it.

He was like, "Great."

He was like, "Any time you wanna do a fight scene."

I'm in.

You know, like, there are the Tom Cruises of the world

who do their stunts.

- Yeah. - Like literally hang off a plane.

- Like do that. - Yeah.

You know, I remember I had dinner with him once

and it was after he did the one

- where he ran around the building. - Yeah, that's crazy,

And I go...

"Can you tell me how that happened?"

And he's a really intense guy.

You know, he's like, "Yeah, I'll tell you how that happened."

He's like... so... I go, "All right.

All right. I'm in." I'm like, "Okay."

- Yeah. - And he goes, I've been thinking about

this shot for 15 years.

I'm like, "Wow! Really?"

He goes, "So, I go to the safety guy

"and I lay it all out.

"Safety guy goes, 'We can't do that.'

'It's too dangerous. You can't do that.'

So, I get a new safety guy."

That's the beginning.

The beginning of his story.

- No way. - And I just go, "Stop".

Like... that's where we're different.

Right.

When the safety guy says, "No",

I'm like, "Eh, safety guy says

it's not a good idea."

You know.

I wanna know, you know, another favorite movie

that I love that you're in is

The Departed.

Yeah.

What was that experience like?

How did you come about that part?

This is the worst... this is like...

How many names am I gonna drop

- that I have to pick up? - You're allowed.

- You're allowed to. - We were at George Clooney's house.

- Sure. - In Italy.

- We figured you knew him. - Huh...

And Lucy and I were sitting there at the pool.

Tracy, Lucy is...

Tell Tracy who Lucy is.

Tracy, Lucy is my wife.

How fun is it that he can look at Tracy

while he does it?

So, Brad Pitt...

walks over...

Sounds like a very nice weekend.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Look, we were working, okay?

- Sure. - It was hard.

- It was really hard. - Rehearsing.

And Brad sat down next to us and goes,

"Hey, Matty...

you wanna do a movie with Martin Scorsese?"

- No way. - What?

And I was like... "Yeah."

Yeah...

And he was like, "No, I'm actually serious."

- Well... - I'm like, "What are you actually talking about?"

Drop the script on your towel right then?

- Yeah and he goes... - And then the script went...

- boop! - Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Page one...

Did you at any point say, "Well, hang on second, bruh.

Why aren't you playing this part?"

He felt like he had aged out of it.

He's just unbelievable generous.

And he goes, "Nah, I think it'd be better if you did it."

- Really? - I love me some Brad Pitt.

It's hard to not look at him.

It's so hard not to look at him.

He's the most regular guy. He's from Missouri.

- Yeah. - He just couldn't be...

He couldn't be more normal, Jason.

Yeah.

He's really normal.

He pushes down the instinct to be shitty to people.

- Yeah... - He actually said, "Hey, man, I just wanna say

I loved your show so much, man.

I watched the whole thing."

I was so shocked and I was like, "Really?"

He goes, "Oh, I just loved..." And then he gave me a big hug.

And I said, "Thanks, man." And...

then we go to the door to go out. I say, "I'll see you guys later."

and I walk outside and I slid down the wall.

I went, "Oh, my God."

Oh, my God.

Yeah, yeah.

Who do you think he thought you were?

I wanna introduce everybody to the real Jason.

He's finally showed up.

Well, speaking of normal, Matthew Damon,

you're one of the most normal people I've ever known.

- Is that it? - Thank you for being here.

- Oh, my God. - That's it.

That's all we have time for.

All right.

- Thank you for being... - Matt Damon!

Guys, thank you.

- Wow. - Wow!

- That was quick. - Yeah.

I love that man.

- [Will and Jason] Yeah. - [Sean] He's the kind, like...

I was talking about kindness and everything.

I do think it's interesting though, you know,

when he did The Talented Mr. Ripley,

which is about a gay...

What's that? Was it me?

- Here he comes. - No, no...

- We're not doing a bye. - No, no, not yet.

Usually, this is where Sean starts wrapping up

and his brain breaks,

trying to work his way to a bye.

You can feel it.

- I'm getting it right now. -"I... just... you know...

Talented... Mr. Ripley..."

I was gonna say,

in The Talented Mr. Ripley, he plays a gay con man

and that's about the time he started hanging out with me.

But...

We are thinking about...

getting rid of the bye.

- Yeah, what do you guys think? - The bye...

- Yeah, both of them... - It's so cringy...

So, listen, if you wanna

pick on anybody after this show,

these three said they want us to get rid of it.

But about if we just change it to a...

"See ya" and then we can find a "See"...

- But we can't think of... - Wait, wait, wait, wait...

- ...any more byes. - Wait.

Wait, wait.

Let's vote on it right now.

Um, so, "Bye"...

- And... - Or "See ya"...

- I didn't pitch it well. - Well, so you know which one won.

Bye!

Thank you, Madison.

Thank you guys so much.