Original subtitles

Hemingway, my coat.

My hat, Hemingway.

My cane and gloves. What cane and gloves?

Well, I had a cane and gloves when I came in here.

What a memory!

Never mind. Give me my wallet.

Hey, you're 30 bucks light.

I had 250 smacks when I came into this deadfall.

We'll take it up with the management.

What a joint.

When it comes to getting your dough back,

this place is almost as bad as a bank.

Sure, I know.

There's crooks in here.

So long, Jack. You've been regular.

So long, Larry. See you again.

Well, well, well, if it isn't the belle of the big house.

You haven't changed a bit, Jean. Still the same swell number.

Lay off that number stuff. You'll never make a number out of me again.

Still the same quick comeback.

Yeah, and the same slick come-on.

And speaking of come-on, about that oil deal.

Forget it. That's last week's wash.

Maybe. But it hasn't been ironed out yet.

Why didn't you tell me there was no oil in those oil wells?

I didn't know there was no oil in those oil wells.

But you knew there were no oil wells.

Now wait a minute. I can explain that.

You can't explain away two years in the can.

For 18 months I've been sitting on my...

Where do you think I spent the winter? Florida?

Come on, let's forget it and start over.

I'm starting over, all right, but alone.

So far as you're concerned, I'm through and went.

Wait a minute. I've got a cab here.

No thank you, brother. You'll never take me for another ride.

Hey, I've been looking all over for you.

Was I having a good time. Up to now.

I got a great idea, listen.

I tell you, we're all washed up.

I wouldn't vote with you in the same election.

Won't you even read what it says in the paper?

No speak no English.

Won't you please listen to me?

This is so honest, it's disgusting.

What's the most sought-after thing in the country today?

A medium-priced giraffe.

Stop gagging, will you?

I tell you this is on the dead level.

Even a banker would loan you money just on the idea.

Then handle it yourself, and when they catch up with you,

I'll bake you a cake with a file in it.

Yes, ma'am. Should I make up your section now?

Yes. Yes.

Both?

Both. Lower.

Both.

Both.

I was a good girl until I met you.

You are still a nice girl, honey.

I wish I was back in Evanston.

Forget Evanston and listen to my idea, will you?

All right. What's all the patter?

Here. Take a look at that.

That's where we start.

Los Ángeles, at the Olympic Games.

Why? You going in for hammer throwing?

All the countries of the world send their best physical specimens,

then we step in and take our pick.

Pick of what?

No pockets in running suits, are there?

From now on, sister, we're selling what

the world's crying for. Health and beauty.

Wait a minute. I'll tell you all about it.

My, my, my, what pink toes you've got.

Tell me from up there, Ducky.

Next entrant in the women's high platform diving event,

Miss Barbara Hilton of Great Britain.

Look at that Hilton gal. Ain't she a honey?

Mmm-hmm.

You could pasture peas on her.

Your attention, please.

Announcing the winners of the women's high-diving event.

First place,

Miss Barbara Hilton of Great Britain.

Nice work, Britannia. If it couldn't be America, I'm certainly glad it was you.

Thanks a lot.

Your attention, please.

Next event, 400 meters, freestyle, for men.

Lots of luck right back at you, America.

If it can't be England, I hope it's you.

Thanks. That's a hope that helps.

That's the girl for us, all right.

And in lane number six, Don Jackson, United States.

That Jackson kid looks pretty good.

Baby, you can come to Mama!

Swimmers and judges ready.

Swimmers to your marks.

Come on! Come on!

Hey! Hey!

Can he swim.

Hey! Hey!

Great race, Don! Thank you.

Say something on the mike, will you?

Yeah.

Don Jackson, folks, winner of the 400-meter freestyle.

...meter's a cinch.

I'm sure. Beaucoup. I'm glad that I won.

I take the opportunity at this time to congratulate my opponents

for their fine display of sportsmanship.

Most of all, I'd like to say something

to you people sitting up there in the sun.

Come on down here and do things like this,

like they're doing over there in the stadium.

Don't just clap your hands for exercise,

but get off your feet and get on them.

Come on down here and exercise. Exercise and get healthy.

Exercise is for everybody. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, Don.

Did you get a load of that spiel?

He's bowling them right up our alley.

You go after the girl, I'll get Jackson.

What's the big idea, you goof?

Lmagine those guys, just a bunch of cheap grifters.

Trying to cash in on the kid's name.

That's right. You gotta be careful of those phonies.

I'll say you have.

Some race, boy. You sure used your head.

Thanks, Mac.

Head, yes, but a head made clear by a healthy body.

A body made fit by right living, right eating, right exercise.

Don, this is Mr. Williams I was telling you about.

How do you do, Mr. Williams?

Congratulations, Jackson.

Thanks. Funny, but what you just said is just like an article I had

in the paper this morning. That so?

Then I'm dead certain you're just the man I need.

The man to edit my Health and Exercise magazine.

Mac told me about your idea,

but to handle a job like that calls for more experience than I've had.

Thanks anyway.

Well, have you thought it over?

Yes, but I'm afraid I couldn't tackle it.

I'd be out of my element.

That's very disappointing.

We were so anxious to have the right kind of girl handling it.

That's why I came to you.

You wouldn't have to shoulder all the responsibilities.

You would have help, of course.

Your partner. Partner?

Yes. You chosen anybody yet?

We were figuring on Don Jackson.

Don Jackson!

This was Mr. Peck's office.

It hasn't been used for some time.

And this is the photograph gallery. I'll open it up for you.

Okay. We'll be right here.

All this joint needs is a horsehair sofa and a horsehair sofa.

That's all right. We'll fix it up.

Throw out all this junk and get some real classy stuff.

You know, carpets so thick you can sink

your feet in them up to your knees.

And your bankroll up to the rubber band.

Where's the what-it-takes coming from?

Dan Healy.

That guy's got one-way pockets lined with fishhooks.

Don't worry. He'll cough.

Didn't he get all his dough out of the deal we took the rap for?

He'll split.

Come in.

Hello, Dan. Well, I'm glad to see you.

How are you? Well, hello, Larry.

I'm certainly glad to see you.

You remember Jean?

Sure.

Jean, it's a treat to see you.

Yeah? Then it's a Dutch treat.

What are you sore at me for?

Why, Danny, I'm not sore at you.

Why should I be?

I just adored going to jail for you.

Got any more stretches you want me to do?

You never went to jail for me.

I just happened to be out of town

when the jam came, that's all.

I just happened to miss the train.

You're always missing trains just before the payoff.

Funny how rich a guy can get missing trains.

I ain't rich.

And I was happier when I was poor and selling rheumatism rings.

So was I. Wait a minute.

Why don't you two try to get along?

Hey, Larry. What's the idea of meeting here?

Dan, did you ever hear of Milo Peck? No.

Yes, of course you did. You must have.

Hey, look. There he is.

The big, exercising muscleman.

You know, big-bicep-conscious and all that sort of hooey.

Well, about two months ago, our man Peck kicks off

and this joint's for sale. And I've got an in on it so cheap,

it'll make you snicker.

I don't snicker easy. How much?

50 grand.

Why, for you, just petty cash,

and listen, Dan, it's on the up-and-up.

Why, we can spit in the cops' eyes while we're working it.

Well, how are you in on it, then?

Well, while I was incarcerated... In what?

In jail.

I had a little time on my hands, so I read his magazine.

Old man Peck had a line.

"Exercise and be healthy." That was the string.

But here's the kite he collected on.

Look at those pictures, boy.

Sex. That's what old man Peck took to the market.

And that's what sold the magazine.

I remember this guy. We used to advertise

our rheumatism rings in this sheet.

There you are. Why, the advertisements

alone are worth a million dollars.

It's raining soup, boy. Throw away your fork and get a spoon.

Well, if this health racket is so hot,

why didn't Peck make a lot of heavy dough?

Because you didn't leave any to be made.

Because he was old-fashioned.

He didn't live up to the times.

He was still living in the days

when stockings were considered underwear.

Yes, and men were men, and took their own raps.

Why, just look at these chromos.

No wonder the old boy never cashed in.

Can you imagine trying to sell a load of that nowadays?

Look at that one on the end.

I'll bet she's got rheumatism. Look at that puss.

Hey, look, you say this is on the up-and-up?

Well, I don't want to spit in no cop's eye.

If you're hooked up with this, there's some kind of a gazype in it.

Now what is it? There is, Dan.

I'll be honest with you. And here it is.

Health Acres. A hotel and a few acres of ground.

Maybe there's oil on it.

The old chump used it to work out some of his exercise gags.

And here's where he dropped all the dough that he made on the magazine.

All right. I got a great idea. What?

Don't buy the hotel.

It goes with the deal, but that's nothing.

We can afford to let it lay there and go jungle on it.

The magazine will pay for the farm

a hundred times. There's millions in it.

Make it billions. I'll lend you a few zeroes.

It's a natural. Don't you think so, Dan?

No, I don't, and I'll tell you why. I got nothing against sex.

Either you got it, or you go looking for it.

But what would you and Jean be doing editing a magazine?

Wasn't I the society editor of the prison paper?

That's the point. You two have just got out of...

Yeah, and did I learn about exercise there.

I see your point, Dan.

But supposing I could get a class front,

a couple of Olympic champions,

like Don Jackson and Barbara Hilton.

Well, certainly it'd be something to talk about, but what's the use?

Them youngsters stand for things

on the level, on the up-and-up.

What would they be doing with a couple of...

Say it and see me squirm.

Well, anyway, you can't get them, that's all.

I can't, eh? They wouldn't even come near you.

They wouldn't, eh? You know they wouldn't.

Come right in, Miss Hilton.

Miss Barbara Hilton, Mr. Don Jackson,

the editors of Health and Exercise.

How do you do? How do you do?

This is Mr. Healy, our publisher.

Why, how do you do, Mr. Healy? I'm glad to know you, sir.

And this is Miss Sally Palmer, my cousin.

Pleased to meet you, Mr. Healy.

Pleased to meet you. Mr. Healy, our publisher.

And now if you'll come with me, I'll show you to your office.

Bye, Mr. Healy.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Well, Dan, are you our publisher?

That cousin, that blonde? She's your secretary.

I'm your publisher.

Now then, Sally.

I think I'll call you Sally for short. This way to your department.

Thanks.

I don't think I'm going to like this much.

Why not?

Because I can't see you.

I can see you.

That's funny. I can't see you.

There. Hello.

Hello. Better? Much.

Gee, this is going to be fun.

We'll get these desks turned around. Get this place all fixed up.

And then for some hard work.

Mind if I send you flowers for your desk?

Now and then?

All right. Now and then.

We'll have to take turns, you know.

Turnabout is fair play.

That's right, fair play. Together?

Mmm-hmm.

Together.

Nice work, Mr. Editor. Got all of those things?

She sure has.

She is lovely, isn't she?

A honey. And can she swim!

But you saw her.

What a figure.

What a figure.

You're not so bad yourself.

Yes, I am.

I'm putting what I don't want on places that don't need it.

This magazine will tell you how to take it off.

Are you pretty solid?

I don't know. Am I?

Well...

Bit of a bulge here.

We'll rub that off for you.

A couple of too many inches here.

Sorry, Don. Yeah.

Mr. Williams wants to see you.

Thank you.

He's a grand boy. I like him.

We're glad you do. Frightfully.

Come right in, Don. What did I tell you? Can he take it?

We got a great idea.

This is the idea on the floor.

This is our editor, Mr. Jackson. This is Adolf Knockler.

How do you do? Talks and everything.

We're going to put him in the window downstairs.

What for? We're gonna break granite slabs

on his stomach with a sledgehammer.

The first day, 200 pounds. That's nothing.

And the last day, we're gonna rope off

the street and run a truck over him.

Yeah. Yeah.

What's the gag?

He's got a hard stomach.

Sure, look. Come on, get up.

Let him hit you. Yeah, go on. Hit him.

Yeah, hit me. Hit me.

Why should I? Don't you get it?

Knockler here takes the exercises that we recommend.

Now he's able to let a truck run over his stomach. It's a great stunt.

Now listen, fellas. Promotion and a bit of hoopla is all right.

But this is a cheap and cheesy stunt.

Why, he's never taken any of our exercises,

and publicity like that isn't going

to do us any good in the long run.

We've got no time for long runs.

What we want is quick circulation.

Taking a guy out and running a truck over him.

It's an open and shut fake.

Fake? Who's a fake? Hit me. Hit me!

Go on.

I show you. Hit me! Hit me!

Come on, out. Out, Adolf, out.

There you are.

You can't even keep a strongman strong with that Jackson guy around.

He crabs everything we do. The Boy Scout stunt,

the strip act in the park. Don't I know it?

We'll never get anywhere until we get that guy out of our hair.

What does he think we're running?

A magazine for campfire girls? I got a good mind to...

Don't shake your finger at me, it wasn't my idea.

How's that look, Arnold?

Yeah, that looks like something.

Now.

Hello.

What is this? Old home week in the harem?

We're making a composite picture.

We're putting these and those together and producing that.

We're taking the best things these gals

have got and doing tricks with them.

A Larry Williams production?

It's his idea.

And remember, it's my dough that guy's kicking around.

I know it's your money, but keep your hair braided.

I'm gonna run this place the way I wanna.

All right, all right.

Yeah? Williams?

Yeah.

Come over to the studio, will ya?

All right.

Jackson? Our editor.

So it's another Williams idea, huh?

He takes the credit for it. Somebody probably thought of it first.

What is this idea about a composite picture?

Well, it's a great gag.

Building up the ideal for our slogan, "Have a body beautiful."

Yeah, the way we figure, no dame in the world has got the best everything.

One's got the best legs. Hello, Amy.

Another one's got the best hair. Hi, Helen.

Hello.

You see, we're using Geri's eyes, Mary's nose, Hazel's neck...

And Roena's back.

Hi, Roena.

Hello, Danny.

And right on down the line to... What's your name?

Go on, I know that gag.

Yeah, we're using Fanny's feet.

Show him the puppies, Fanny.

So you're gonna put them all together in a picture?

Sure, that's a cinch for Honey.

Why do you fellas always have to do things the fakey way?

Instead of building up an ideal girl like a jigsaw puzzle,

why don't you really find an ideal girl?

And a man too, for that matter.

What do you mean, "Find"? A contest!

I get it. We open up the whole town

and give a prize for the Body Beautiful.

Not just beautiful, but healthy, fit.

And not only here, but all over the country.

All over the world! And Brooklyn.

Do you get it? A universal contest for the Body Beautiful,

sponsored by Health and Exercise.

Swell. A contest is great for circulation.

And has the kid got a brain as well as a body?

Why didn't you think of that? Quiet.

We use their pictures in every issue.

Hold them up as models for our readers.

But first we bring them here for the final judging.

Let the people see the real thing, not just pictures.

And I'll be the judge. Quiet.

Go to work on that. Boy, is this something. It's colossal!

It's better than that. It's positively mediocre.

Listen, this thing will bring us the best bunch of beauty

that was ever corralled in one town. Beauty and health.

Yeah, but they gotta eat if they want to stay healthy,

and who's gonna pay for the hand grains?

It's a natural! We put them up in the best hotel.

What? For nothing. Don't you get it? For publicity.

We'll make them endorse everything

from baby clothes to bathtubs.

And we'll endorse the gravy.

Yeah, but look, there ain't gonna be no gravy

with this Jackson kid around.

He won't stand for another of them trick tie-ups.

That guy wouldn't endorse compound interest.

But he's not gonna be around. What?

We'll send him away to manage the contest and keep him off our toes.

Send him away... Who else? He's the editor, isn't he?

And while he's gone... Boy!

We'll get some sleep. We'll get... We will not. We'll go to work.

We'll get out a real magazine.

Hot? Hot! You could fry an egg on it.

Love stories. And confessions.

Peck, old boy. Hide your eyes.

It would break your heart to see what's gonna happen.

Did you ride here on that?

I beg your pardon.

I say, did you ride here on that?

All the way from Edinburgh.

She's from the bonny braes of Scotland.

I can see now why they're bonnie.

Yes.

Over yonder, there's the winner from South Africa.

That dark-haired boy there? Yes.

Hello, Tidbury. Hello, boys.

It's a nice layout you have here, Tapley.

All these young men and women, Don,

have been chosen as best representing

the youth of the British Empire.

Well, the Committee certainly did a good job of it.

Now if you have your contestants

sign these contracts, Tapley, while I...

Hold on. I don't want you to misunderstand us.

We all know you and you're all right.

But this magazine. Now, we're all going a long way from home...

Don't worry. I'm personally responsible for your contestants, Tapley,

and you can count on me 100% in everything.

That's all right with me.

Hurry up.

Up. Up!

Take them up. Up. Up. Take them up.

Up, up, up, up she goes.

That's the answer to everything. Circulation, readers.

Why, we couldn't have bought typewriter ribbons

with that skimmed milk we were dishing out.

Now we're pouring cream and they're lapping it up.

This is cream, is it?

Vicious stories written by morons for halfwits.

"I Loved An Artist." "I Was Just 16." "Moon Madness."

And my name goes on this reeking rut as an editor.

My dear young lady, there can be no virtue without a knowledge of vice.

You don't know a stove is hot until you touch it, do you?

These stories all point a moral.

Yes, just enough moral to sneak them through the mails.

Young lady, please remember, these stories are passed on

by a board of the highest standard.

A preacher, a teacher, and a Park Avenue society dame... Lady.

Yes, I know. The kind that endorses cold cream she never uses

and mattresses she's never slept on.

All right. You have a vote in the editorial policy. Why not use it?

Very well, I will. Call a meeting.

Good.

Then we pass "I Was Just 16" and "Moon Madness."

Now for "I Loved An Artist."

Will you give us your report, Miss Pettigrew?

Briefly, a young girl comes to New York

and meets a poet in Greenwich Village.

Those poets. What thrilling love lives they lead.

Just leaping from one bed of flowers to another.

Sipping honey here, nectar there.

He is experienced in the wiles and guiles of love.

She is caught in a whirl of Bohemian life.

Inhibitions go. Poof!

She finally succumbs to the charm of an artist.

She what? Succumbs, you dope.

Huh? She quits stalling.

Oh!

And then... Now let me tell about that.

The scene in the studio is entrancingly described.

How the dark mysterious painter poses her on a bearskin rug.

Where does the health and exercise come in?

The exercise comes later. Go on with the story.

Just as a former sweetheart of the artist enters...

It's so dramatic, the two women fighting

for the affection of the dark, mysterious painter.

But I still don't see what this has to do with health and exercise.

Well, we'll hear from Dr. Rankin.

Don't you think it points a moral?

Rather diluted, I thought. About 1% moral and 99% sex.

There's nothing wrong with sex, brother Rankin.

As long as it leads to what it leads to.

Well, shall we vote? All in favor say aye.

Aye! Aye!

And those opposed.

No! No!

The "ayes" have it. We pass "I Loved An Artist."

Well, I hope so.

Meeting's adjourned.

Keep up the good work, my child.

It all seems so hopeless.

Why you, a minister, sitting on the committee

and dealing with all this muck?

It may seem strange,

but I'm in a position to be more helpful to you and the magazine

on the committee than off.

But I still don't see.

Never mind, my child. You will.

Boy! Is this high, wide and hot!

"I Loved An Artist."

They used to arrest you for just thinking stuff like that.

They must have printed it in a refrigerator.

Why? So they could handle it.

I sure wish I could meet a guy

like that dark, mysterious artist.

What makes you think you'd go so good on a bearskin rug?

Say...

Of course she gets a bill for it in the end.

Bill baloney. That "paying the price" stuff is the bunk.

They just put that in to make the yarn moral.

I bet that dame is living on Park Avenue.

Driving an imported oil can,

splashing mud in the faces of pure working girls.

If I ever get a chance...

Me too.

And I don't care what his past was or his future is.

As long as he has a present.

Sally, don't you think you'd better get back on the job?

Well, my lunch hour isn't up yet.

I just had to wire you, Don. There was nothing else to do.

I'm glad you did. I shouldn't have gone away in the first place.

You see, it isn't only Sally, but girls like her,

thousands of them all over the country reading that junk.

And thinking we recommend it!

So that's their racket.

And they roped us into this just to use our names.

Well, what are we going to do about it?

Fight them. If they think they've got a couple of dummy editors,

they're crazy. I'll show them.

You mean, we'll show them?

That's right. We'll show them. You and I together.

Together.

Eggs ain't on my diet, though.

I can't eat anything with Albanians in it.

You mean albinos.

Come on now, hold the pose.

Now we all set? Paula, get rid of the...

Well, when did you get back?

Never mind that. What's all this?

This is a true-life picture for a true-life story.

Passion Slave, it's called.

What are you doing here, Sally?

Mr. Healy says I'm battling for my honor.

That's all I know.

Get out.

Well, what's the matter, don't you think it's a swell setup?

Darn near perfect.

You took advantage of my absence to turn this magazine into a cheap rag.

You publish a lot of dirty stories under my name and Barbara's.

Now, my boy, you're taking this thing too seriously.

Not seriously enough so far.

But from now on, things are going to be different.

Maybe you'll change your mind when I tell you we've tripled the circulation

on these stories. Look.

And your cut's 10%.

There's more to a magazine than circulation.

Yes, and there's more to your blood

than circulation, but try to do without it.

Without circulation, how are you going to get ads?

And that's another thing.

Can't we get along without selling space to a lot of quacks and fakers?

Look at this junk.

What's the difference, as long as they lay it on the line?

A lot of difference. You're not gonna print any more of this stuff.

Not and use my name.

Forget your name for a minute and think of my dough.

Yes, don't forget, he's your publisher.

Yeah, don't forget, I'm your... Quiet.

If it wasn't for him, there wouldn't be any magazine.

If it wasn't for me... Quiet.

Don't you think he's got a right to...

Don't you think I've got a right to... Shut up.

Now listen, you two, get this straight.

As long as I'm editor of this magazine,

it will be run the way I want it run.

And nothing goes in it without my okay.

And that's final.

Another of your good ideas.

You never had one yet that didn't sneak up

behind you and bite you in the...

And bite you.

Well, what are we gonna do now?

Throw him off the magazine. Get rid of him. Fire him.

We can't.

Why not?

I gave him a three-year contract.

What for?

So nobody else would get him away from us.

Do me a favor, will you?

What?

Go out and find a chiropodist and have your head examined.

What are you looking for? My hat.

Where you going?

To find a chiropodist and have my head examined.

What the...

Healy! Look! I know, the gazype.

No, no, Health Acres, and I got a great idea.

Save it. It's gonna be a tough winter.

No, no. You'll love this one.

That has a familiar ring, and I don't mean rheumatism.

Come here.

Hello, Jackson? Yeah?

Listen, you're a nice young kid and I like you.

Come in here. I'm gonna make you independent for life.

Healy, you'll kiss me for this one.

It's a wonderful place, Don. You'll like it.

Yeah, it's a wonderful place.

Quiet.

You'll have a chance to try out some of your pet ideas.

Yeah, you'll have a chance to... Quiet.

What's your proposition?

You give us your interest in the magazine and we'll give you half the farm.

There you are. You give us your interest...

Will you shut up?

Now just look what you're getting. A hotel and a 10-acre farm.

And you know what big dough there is in a farm nowadays.

Yeah, you know what big dough...

Thanks, fellas. But there's just

one thing wrong with your proposition.

What's that? I've seen the dump.

I'll stick with the magazine.

And you don't wanna be a farmer?

No. I'd rather be an editor.

You're a salesman, huh?

You couldn't sell fresh fish to a starving seal.

What chance did I have after that crack

you made about the big dough on farms?

Why didn't you sell him?

I'll sell him if he ever gets rheumatism. I hope.

Can you imagine those shizzlers?

Trying to unload that health farm on us

for our interest in the magazine.

What a laugh.

How big is that farm?

Just big enough to be a white elephant.

About 10 acres and a good-sized hotel.

How much would it cost to fix up?

About $10,000. Why?

Just got an idea about these boys and girls from all over the world.

Don't forget, they're coming here.

Yeah. Pretty tough, when you think what they're walking into.

And I'm responsible.

It's not you.

It's Williams and that Jean.

Jean's all right.

Well, they're partners or something.

Anyway, it's what they're gonna do with these kids when they get them here.

Yeah.

Well, we won't let them.

We'll keep those kids on the farm.

It's got a hotel and we can fix it up, can't we?

Sure we can!

But what do we use for money?

Williams and Healy. They want you out. You want money.

Make them give you the farm, full control and $10,000.

I wonder if they're that anxious to get rid of me.

Are you with me? We're partners in everything.

Then we'll put it over. Let me at that guy.

Hello? Williams?

Yeah?

We've been talking it over and you're right. We should separate.

So we'll take the farm, provided you give us full control.

And $10,000.

Tell him I'm rolling on the floor laughing.

Wait a minute. Listen, it's worth 10 grand.

With that kid out of the way, we can make a million!

Nothing's worth 10 grand in cash, not even a million.

Yeah? We're not interested.

Well, it leaves us right where we were.

Well, offer him five grand, and that's throwing it down the sewer.

Hello, Jackson? Yeah?

We'll give you five grand, and that's throwing it down the sewer.

$10,000.

No go.

Make it six.

Hello. Six thousand.

No sale.

$7,500.

$7,500.

Nothing doing.

Well, what do you say?

Okay. Ten grand.

Jackson? Okay, $10,000.

And you've murdered Healy.

All right. Draw up the papers.

Okay. 51% to you.

And full control?

And full control.

You can take it and take it.

And here's the stock. Let me be the first to congratulate you, Don.

You got a swell proposition.

Yes. We think so.

Barbara has a great idea. To turn the farm into the health capital of the world.

A sort of maker of health, with a staff of international health models.

Where you gonna get the models?

The contest winners.

We'll keep them there as instructors.

Hundreds of people will be only too pleased to learn health and exercise

from such perfect instructors.

Yeah. It's a swell ointment, but there's a fly in it.

What? The magazine started the contest.

And the contestants are ours.

And they ain't gonna stay at no farm.

Well, fellas, I'm afraid you're wrong,

for the contestants are signed with me, not the magazine.

You made me personally responsible.

Williams insisted on that himself.

You wanted to cash in on Don's name.

Well, you folks, why don't you drop in sometime

and get a little instruction yourselves?

Yeah. You do look a little run down.

Do you realize what he's got?

Dumb luck.

That guy could fall down a sewer

and come up with a bottle of perfume in each hand.

The Mecca of Health. My eye.

It's Monte Carlo in your own backyard.

It's a mountain of mazuma.

And you could pick it up with your teeth.

What I wouldn't pay myself to have one of them honeys give me my daily dozen.

Or even half a dozen.

Well, you could charge $200 a week.

You're selling the American sucker short.

Certainly.

With these cuties around,

a guy that wouldn't pay $300 a week is at least an atheist.

And you two mental midgets paid him to take it off your hands.

All right, wisecracker. We still got 49%, haven't we?

Let's see, 200 guests at $300 a week adds up to what?

Nothing, the way Don will run it.

He'll give them huskies instead of honeys to work out with

and charge them $30 a week instead of $300.

Well, Mr. Williams.

Is there anything else of mine you'd like to donate to Mr. Jackson?

Don't worry. I'm not through with that guy yet.

I'll get another idea.

Now listen, you two.

There's only 2% of this stock between us and the control.

What about it?

Well, if you cross my palm prettily, I might...

You might what?

Do something about it.

What with my girlish laughter and my habit of lisping in the moonlight...

That's the stuff, baby! Give him the glue.

There's a line that runs down there

by that fence where the corner is down there,

and around over yonder and up by these telephone poles.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Doesn't look good for much, does it?

Except maybe a murder mystery.

Of course, if you're gonna walk into it with a heavy tragedy tread.

Buck up, old timer, there's work to be done.

It'll take at least three months to make this place

decent enough just to camp out in.

Well now, we can't talk it into shape.

I know.

How are you gonna get started on a job like this?

First thing you do is take your head out of your hands.

Then you get in touch with a good contractor

and find out how much it will cost to fix this place up.

You know a good contractor?

No. Don't you? Does anybody?

Remember that old song?

"People who sit on their patios never get anywhere."

Jean.

Hello, folks.

Are you just mildly surprised or merely stupefied?

We're flabbergasted.

What are you doing down here?

And is Mr. Williams with you?

Williams? We're not speaking.

Henceforth and forever forward little Jeanie is on her own.

You mean you've split with him?

You could chase a flock of elephants between us.

We're just like that.

But why?

I got sick of health.

His idea of health, anyway.

You got sick of Williams' ideas rather suddenly, didn't you?

Struck me all of an eve, dearie.

Anyhow, that's my story and you're stuck with it.

But you still haven't told us what brought you down here.

The same thing that brought you.

You know, I have always had an idea

that this place had possibilities.

Well, it may have, but you can't see them for the weeds.

They cleared the weeds off Times Square, didn't they?

You know, it wouldn't take much

to turn this shoestring into a showplace.

Strange Williams didn't have that idea himself.

What are these?

When Williams bought the place, I had estimates made

of repairs, redecorating, things like that.

I thought perhaps you could use them.

Now, here's the way the place should look.

When, as and if.

Gee, this is great. Thanks a million, Jean.

Look, Barbie, here it is all laid out for us.

It will save us a month's work.

What a woman! Yes.

Will you drop in on us once in a while with a good idea?

Once in a while? I'm camping here.

I'm gonna be right on the job to help you out.

Now let me get this straight.

You're moving in to help us out?

Yes.

To help us "out" or to help us out?

To help you out. Out?

Yes?

I was looking for Miss Jean.

Well, she's not here. Is there anything I can do for you?

Well, it's about the stadium. This estimate is way off.

Time out for a smoke.

Where'd I put them?

Here they are. Thanks.

That's one vile habit I just can't give up.

Well, you can have just one.

Thanks.

Certainly deserve it. Sure are a glutton for work.

You never get tired, do you?

It's been fun.

Doing something without having to look over your shoulder all the time.

Not very much like working with Larry Williams.

I'm glad you gave him the air, Jean.

He's cheap and he's tricky.

And you're too fine a girl.

Thanks for the rating.

You're not so bad yourself.

This is gonna look swell when we get it all fixed up.

The bed's all right. Wish I had a good book and an apple.

Wonder how this room would look with twins.

I mean twin beds. Which do you prefer?

Well, that all depends.

I'm sorry to interrupt. Come right on in.

Think you'd better come out.

We're having some trouble with the stadium.

It's running away over the estimate.

$3,000!

Well, Hicks says we'll have to cut away nearly half the side of that hill.

Then the stadium's out.

Tell Hicks to take his men off the job.

Off the stadium? Yeah.

The old bankroll is getting a bit anemic.

It all costs a lot more than I expected.

But you'll get it back in spades

as soon as the customers start barging in.

If they keep barging in. $300 a week is a whale of a price to charge.

It's good business. People like prices that panic them.

Gives them a whole winter's conversation. I know, but...

Once you're set, you can revise the ramp downward.

Don. Yes?

Do something for me?

Sure, what?

Go on with the work.

Why, Jean, I can't...

You've got to have that stadium.

Why, all your opening flash is built around it!

You might as well stage Ben Hur without the chariots.

It's a sweet thought, Jean, but I can't take this money.

Why can't you take it?

After all, we're partners, aren't we?

I know, but...

All right, if your conscience bothers you,

give me an interest in the place.

I'll take a mortgage on the old farm.

That's an idea.

What do you think about it, Barbie?

Don, don't you realize that you can't...

Take a letter, Barbara, giving Miss Strange a 10% interest in the place.

Get it typed and I'll sign it right away.

You haven't finished that letter yet, huh?

Thank you.

Well, well. And how's the Queen of Health Acres this fine morning?

Hello.

My dear child, what's the matter? What's happened?

Everything. He sold her some stock.

And she's planned the whole opening.

And she's marvelous at everything.

And I'm just keeping the books.

And last night, I asked him if he loved me, and he said, "Of course."

Just like that, he did.

And she called him, "Darling."

I heard her asking him if he liked twin beds.

He said, "It all depends." I wish I was home.

I wish I never heard of Health and Exercise.

I wish I was dead.

Nonsense, nonsense. We'll straighten this out.

Certainly great having you folks here, Tapley.

It's great being here, Don.

Hello, Barbie. Hello, Don.

Miss Hilton, this is Miss Gill. How do you do?

Mr. Tapley. How do you do?

And Mr. Delcambre. It's a pleasure.

I hope you enjoy your stay at Health Acres.

I'm sure I'll love it. It's so nice around here.

It certainly is now!

When do we eat?

Only between meals, old timer.

Come on, let's go.

This is Miss Helen Gray of Medicine Hat, Alberta, Canada.

How do you do, Miss Gray?

And this is Miss Gladys Willar of Worcester, Massachusetts.

18 years old, 5'4" and 103 pounds, right?

Right.

Yes, sir. I know a guy that would sink

three times for that little ball of fire.

All right. You pass the good word along,

and I'll cut up a cantaloupe with you boys.

Fair enough, Mr. Williams.

Excuse me.

Well! Look who's fallen among us.

We're using those boys in an idea we're working on.

Outdoor sports with indoor trimmings.

As far as I'm concerned, outdoors, indoors or behind doors.

Think any of your customers might give him a tumble?

Tumble? If they were like me, they'd give him a double somersault.

Give me a look. Might turn a couple of handsprings myself.

Mmm.

Haven't seen anything like that since...

Well, just call it since.

Don't turn them so fast.

Now don't be like that, Danny. Let me see.

Joe. Yeah?

What do you think of that?

Could you get interested in that one, friend?

If he says no...

Thanks. Thanks.

How are you? How are you?

Hello, boys. Hello, boys.

Now look here, boys, we've been here since 11:00 this morning.

We haven't met anybody yet.

Give us a chance to get set, will ya?

You'll meet them, you'll meet them.

See you later, fellas.

How's it, beautiful?

Front.

Well, well, well.

How's it going? How's everything?

Swell. It's in the bag. Every room in the house full.

And how about the guests? They'll be full later.

Run down, tell Haskell to come and see me right away, will you please?

Sure I will. Thank you. Thank you.

I've got the...

Hello.

Hello.

What are you two mugs doing down here?

Look, right away, he calls us mugs.

What are we doing here? Well, we're your partners, aren't we?

Not here, you're not. You got nothing to do

with the running of this place.

All right, let it go like that.

Then we're guests.

Sure, we're guests, two with a bed between.

You stay here, you have to abide by the rules.

I know. No smoking opium in the elevators.

It's all right. We brought our Boy Scout suits.

Hey, you're a little bit snooty, aren't you?

Who hooked all these fish for ya?

Yeah, who hooked all these... Quiet.

We did. We'll get you a lot more if you don't

let your hat run away with your head.

Yeah, if you don't let your hat...

Come on.

Healy. You'll have to sign more than X on the register.

Yeah.

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

we are inaugurating Health Acres.

An institution dedicated to an ideal. Health through exercise.

All the exercise you will see here

you can do, if you work earnestly.

And we expect you to work earnestly.

The young men and women out there who present our programs

will be your instructors. They were selected in a worldwide contest,

and represent the athletic youth

of the United States and of the British Empire.

It now gives me a great deal of pleasure to present to you first

your instructors from California.

Wisconsin and Minnesota.

Illinois and Missouri.

Texas.

Alabama.

Massachusetts.

Canada.

Pennsylvania.

New York.

Australia.

South Africa.

Ireland.

New Zealand.

Scotland.

England.

That's glorious. I've never seen...

I beg your pardon. Didn't we meet in Paris? I doubt it.

I know where there's a party.

Well, boys, how'd you like the show?

Great. Great.

Do I pick them, or is this Thursday afternoon?

I'll take the little blonde over there.

You know, I always have a blonde with my meals.

Wait a minute. Excuse me, gents.

I just want the little ladies to meet

some friends of mine over here. Think nothing of it.

Girls, I want you to meet the boys.

This is Mr. Smith, Mr. Jones and Mr. Brown.

Hi, how do you do? The Toot sisters. Rita, Nita and Hita.

Didn't I meet you in Chicago?

No, I don't believe you did.

I could swear you're a boy I met in Chicago.

No, I ain't.

I tell you what.

I'm giving a little party tonight.

You drop up and see if my friends don't think you're him.

Well, no matter what they think, I know I ain't.

Don't forget, dearie.

But I ain't never been off of Louisville.

How'd you like to go on the stage, baby?

I'd just love to go on the stage.

Yeah?

Well, I'm a scout for the biggest musical producers in town.

Honest? Sure.

Say, we're giving a little party tonight, and you can dance for us.

Then we can see what you got.

You see, it isn't so much what you do that gets you places.

It's what you got.

I hope I've got it.

You'll find out tonight.

Hello there, fellas.

Well, what do you think of Health and Beauty now, huh?

Great. Splendid.

We thought we'd stage a little party later on.

Yes, and it's going to be a gay one.

Well, go right ahead. Don't let me stop you.

We've got plenty of giggle water,

but we can't find any gigglers to go with it.

Listen, I know a couple that'll laugh right out loud. Come on.

All we needed was a good bird dog.

Good night, Sally.

Sally?

Where are you going?

To a little party. Any harm in that?

Depends upon whose party it is. Joe's.

You know, Joe Garrett. He's a big theatrical producer.

He wants to see me dance.

I wouldn't go if I were you. It's getting late.

Besides, your dancing wouldn't interest them.

It wouldn't, wouldn't it? No.

Why don't you run along to bed?

You can't tell me what to do. You're only my cousin.

Sally, please!

Kiss. No.

Just a minute, excuse me.

Hello. Well, here I am.

There you are. Joe, look who's here, your little girlfriend.

Hello, baby. Here, have a drink. Hello.

I've got one.

Now you got two.

Attagirl!

All right, come on. Join the party!

Come right in. There's room for one more.

Here she is, folks. This is Sally.

Hi, Sally. Little Sally from our alley.

This is the little dancer I've been telling you about.

May I have the first dance?

Relax!

Say, how about doing that dance for us now, baby?

Sure. Turn on the music.

Wait a minute, honey. You can't dance in that straitjacket.

Go on in there and put something on.

Leave it to me, I'll fix her up. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

You mean put something on or put something on?

Use your own judgment.

Just make it easy on the eyes.

I'm back again. Now don't you all peek.

So she says to me, "I'll be in 346. Don't forget, dearie."

Say, what kind of a place is this? What's that?

Some of those dames over there

had me in the corner over there.

Don't worry, they won't feel that way in the morning.

Get them up at 6:00, good tough exercise.

We sweat those ideas out of them.

Boy, you said it. Anyhow, there ain't

anything a cold shower won't take care of.

What's the matter, partner? Don, they haven't gone to bed yet.

The men, they're having a party all over the place.

Well, it's their first night, Barbie.

Give them a chance to settle down.

But Don, please come and help me. It's Sally.

Probably having a little fun. Anyway, lights will be out in a few minutes,

so why don't you run along and get some rest?

You don't even know what's going on.

You've been so busy taking bows,

the great Don Jackson, and listening to Jean's compliments.

Now stop it, Barbie. This is a partnership,

and Jean's been pretty darn swell. Just try to remember that.

Thanks, I will.

What's the matter? Is this party strictly private?

No, come on in. We were waiting for you. Sure.

Say, you're one of the bosses here, aren't you?

Yeah, and part of my job is making my guests happy.

What's the idea of the undress act, kid? Getting set for a fan dance?

Well, I was just... Well, he was gonna put me in a show.

Show, huh? Well, it's past your bedtime

and your cradle's crying for you.

Find your own brassiere and toddle home.

Just try and find one.

Hey, wait a minute. Sally is my guest.

Smart guy. What do you wanna do, get yourself into trouble

with the Children's Aid?

If it's talent you're looking for... Come on.

No, I don't wanna go home. Wait a minute.

What's the idea of dragging her away?

Don't you think she's a little young for this sort of thing?

Don't be silly.

She's old enough and she's smart enough.

Are you old enough? Yeah.

All right then, you show something. Do something.

Wait till I get this kid home,

then I'll put on a show for you that is a show.

No. You might get lost and not find your way back.

Now, now, now.

Okay. You folks ever see a real rumba?

You mean we'd rumba...

Boy, you said it. Watch.

Hey! You can't do that to me!

Can she twist them.

I'm only warm, boy. Wait till I boil.

Tip top, baby. Boil 'em on both sides.

Fire up the engine, baby. Shovel in the coal.

Okay, but watch out for the cinder in your eye.

It's all right. There won't be anything worth seeing after this.

Keep it on staff night.

Pardon me, gentlemen. Don't you know the rules?

What rules?

Lights out at 10:00.

A couple of house detectives, eh?

Now, wait a minute, baby. We're just getting acquainted.

Hey, Joey, what do we care about rules? I'll turn them on.

No, wait. Leave them off. I like it that way.

Okay.

Come on, baby, let's finish that dance. Looked pretty good to me.

Come on.

Say, Jackson, there's some pretty rough stuff going on out there.

What are they doing?

They've got lots of liquor and some of the girls,

and I saw Sally and Barbara in a pretty tough spot.

Say, listen, fellas.

Some of the guests got the wrong slat

on Health Acres. Let's put them right.

Okay! Come on!

All right, baby! Come on, baby!

Come on! Come on!

Come on, come on. Come on, let's see what you got.

What's the idea? Don't you even knock?

I'm sorry, Barbie.

Get me out of here, will you?

Hey, don't we get any privacy in our own room?

Boys, I think it's this gentleman's bedtime.

I'll go to bed when I get ready.

You're ready right now.

I think I'll throw you out. That's what I'll do.

You put me away, will you?

Good night.

Danny! Help, somebody. Healy, they're killing me!

Get up, get up.

Have I missed anything?

No, you're just in time to get everything.

Give him the works, fellas.

I protest.

I shall speak to Mr. Healy about this!

How about a drink?

You want a drink? Yeah.

Give him a drink.

No, no! Cut it out. No. Cut it out. Cut it out.

He wants a drink.

Cut it out.

He's hot. He wants a drink.

Hey, Jackson. What's the idea of all this strong-arm stuff?

Yeah, what's the idea of all this... Quiet.

You can't treat our guests like a bunch of bohunks in a boxcar.

No, you can't treat our guests like...

Just keep still.

I'm sorry you don't like it. I didn't expect you to.

But I'm gonna run this place as I see fit.

Now, look here... Quiet.

Boys, you know rule number 13?

Lights out and to bed.

Well, let it go... Guess they're in bed.

That was easy.

Good night, Don. Good night. So long.

Hello. Hello.

Aren't you setting a bad example for our guests?

Don't you think you should be in bed?

I would be, if rules meant anything around here.

Everyone seems to have ignored them. You included.

Please, Barbie.

As an officer of this corporation,

I have as much right as you have

to sit out here among the ruins and look plum.

Things are something of a mess, aren't they?

Hopeless.

But we'll get it all straightened out in the morning.

I'm afraid not.

There's only one solution.

What's that?

When partnerships don't work out, they dissolve, that's all.

So we must dissolve.

I'm leaving in the morning.

Don't say that, darling.

You're not leaving, and we're not going to dissolve.

We're partners.

And we've got to see this thing through.

That's just the trouble.

There are too many partners.

I guess Jean can take my place all right.

Nobody's ever gonna take your place, Barbie. Jean's been a help,

but the idea, everything that counts, is yours.

Money in the bank! Where is it now?

This Jackson guy is ruining everything. Why don't you do something?

Quit beefing.

Tell you, we'll call a meeting in the morning and vote the stock.

Yours and mine against his, and then with Jean's...

Well, I ain't so sure that Jean will vote her stock with us,

not the way she's been blowing around with this Jackson guy.

You're not sure, huh?

Don't open that window. I don't want any cold air on me.

Health and exercise, huh?

So you don't think Jean will vote with us?

Well, come here and bat your big, beautiful Irish eyes at that.

Room 209.

Hello. Hello, Jean?

Tell her to come over and bring a friend.

Can you come over here and bring a friend... Will you shut up?

I never thought you'd let anybody give you the runaround.

Surely I'm not losing my allure. Tell me all.

Well, can you see the stadium from your room?

Well, look out there, dear, and learn how to lisp in the moonlight.

No, lisp. Hold the wire.

Boy, did I tell her. And will she burn up.

She gonna bring a friend?

Will you go to bed?

I don't want ever to do anything without you.

We're partners for life.

Whether you like it or not.

Are you sure, Don? Or is it just the moonlight?

I'm sure.

I just brought the moonlight along for a witness.

Hello, Ducky.

Yes. And when I get my eight hours sleep, will I tear my hair.

Is that a break for us or is that a break for us?

That is the best thing that could have happened...

Will you get out of here? This is my bed. This is mine!

How did I know? And that's my robe.

You got me so nervous, I'm hysterical.

Now girls, I want every guest out in that field at 6:30.

I don't care how you get them there,

you can throw them out, carry them out or drag them out,

but your orders are deliver the body, dead or alive.

My word, another sleeping beauty.

Come on, Nita.

6:30.

Two minutes to get out of here.

6:30?

I didn't come down here to deliver the milk.

You came down here for exercise, didn't you?

Yeah. But you don't have to sneak up

on exercise in the dark, do you?

The sun's been up an hour.

When did that happen? I always thought it rose at noon.

Not around here, it doesn't.

You signed an agreement, didn't you?

Yeah, but I sign things so easy.

Well, come on. Ease out of that bed.

Come on now. Out.

Only over my dead body.

Dead or alive, orders are to deliver the body.

Grab an end, Nita.

It's grabbed. Hey!

It's flesh.

It moved.

It's a body! Say, what's the idea?

6:30, sir. Morning exercise in 15 minutes.

I didn't come here for no exercise.

No? Then why did you come?

Well, I thought it a good idea at the time.

But that time wasn't 6:30.

As long as you're here, it's still got to be a good idea.

Hey. There ain't nobody gonna separate me from my bed.

Then we'll separate this bed from you.

Hello? Wait a minute, I'll let you talk to Healy. Dan. Dan!

What? What?

Hello?

Listen, everything is gonna be all right.

It's all gonna be jake.

Go on back to bed and relax.

No, no, no, no. Don't take anything. Relax!

Can you imagine those mugs?

Hey.

Hey!

Hey, wait a second. Hey, look at this guy!

Hey, what is this? Who made rules?

Don't you know we own half of this joint?

We didn't make any such rules.

Mr. Jackson made them, sir, and there they are.

Jackson, huh? I'll show you. I'll get him

on the phone. I'll show you what rules.

Get Jackson on the phone right now.

Who you following?

Hello. Give me Mr. Jackson.

Well, send a boy up and get him.

Tell him to come right over to my room.

Call a meeting right away. What do you think I'm doing?

And get me room 209.

What are you looking at? Hello, Jean?

Slip something on and come right over to my room, we're calling a meeting.

And bring that stock letter with you.

Yeah, I guess that shows you guys.

Yeah, I guess that shows you guys.

Put on your athletic suits.

What suits?

Why, we didn't bring any athletic suits.

We ain't even got athletics foot.

We'll soon get you some suits.

Right. Come on, Ted.

But I tell you, I'm on my way to a meeting.

And I tell you you're on your way to the exercise field.

And let's hear you whistle.

I don't even whistle when I feel good. Come on.

The only way you'll get me to an exercise field is to drag me.

Then we'll drag you. Come on, bodies.

Come on, get her.

She won't take her exercise.

Come on.

And whistle!

Rule number 3: Whistle gaily.

You guys will hear about this just as soon as we see Jackson.

Just as soon as... Shut up.

You're on your way to see him right now.

Come on. Whistle gaily.

You don't sound so gay. I can't whistle.

Well, sing, then. I can't sing.

Sing.

Instructors will now demonstrate.

Two paces forward.

Hut! Hut, two, three. Ready?

Exercise! One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, halt.

One step backward. March!

Yes. Exercise. Ready. Exercise.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, halt!

Come on, young lady.

If you think we're going through that funny stuff, you're crazy!

Yeah. I'm cold. I'm going back to bed.

Stay there. Get back there.

I'm sorry, but the rules say all the guests must exercise.

Well, we'll change the rules.

We'll change the management, too. Here's Jean.

We'll change the rules and the management.

Hey, Jean! Are you willing to vote your 10% of the stock with ours?

I certainly am, early and often.

Why, Jean, I thought that you...

Well, you thought down the wrong alley.

So you see, you're no longer running this place.

Her stock with ours votes you out.

I beg your pardon. Miss Strange hasn't any stock in the company.

I sure have. Have you got that agreement?

If you read that letter, you'll find you have 10% in the farm.

Not in the company.

It's in the whole works.

Oh, no, it isn't. I thought of that when I drew up the agreement.

And the company has control of all the policies.

Why, the dirty crooks. It ain't legal!

Ask Dr. Rankin.

What does he know about it? He's only a psalm singer.

Did you call me?

You keep out of this, Rankin. This is a legal matter.

Exactly. That's why the Department of Justice

had me join your happy little group.

The Department of Justice?

Ain't you a preacher?

No. But I can give you a little sermon just the same.

Take Mr. Jackson's advice hereafter.

Both here and on the magazine.

Okay, kids. What they need's a little exercise

for that rundown feeling. Snap into it.

Thanks, partner.

Yes, we'll now exercise. Ready? Exercise.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

And I left a good job in Evanston.

For this?

Quiet, will you? I'm thinking.

Bend, brother. Bend.

Yeah, stay with it, boys.

Maybe someday you two can do an acrobatic horse act.

Healy, you can play the horse's head.

I got it! I got a great idea!

There's a million bucks in it. Are you listening, Dan?

Am I listening? I'm all ears.