All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.in.Philadelphia.S04E05.Mac.and.Charlie.Die.1.480p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BTN

[Man]
Okay, so just to clarify
for the parole board once again,

you are claiming
that your father threatened...

to, quote,
"Eat the living shit
out of you."

[Microphone Squeals]
Uh,
that is correct.

And, Mr. Kelly, in your
sworn statement to police,

you've claimed that
the prisoner told you
that if you didn't, and I quote,

"Jam a bunch of stuff
into your butt,

he was going
to rape you so hard
the room would stink."

And he was going to, quote,

"Eat your butt
and his son's butt
in the stink...

"until his stomach
was full of...

your butts."

Is this correct?

[Microphone Squeals]
That is also correct.
Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Warden, they're lying.
I do not wanna hurt them.

In fact, I wanna get
as far away from those two...

as I possibly can.

[Together] Objection!
That's an objection,
Your Honor! He's lying.

Hey! hey, hey, hey, hey!
Move to strike!
Move to strike that!

Quiet! Sit down!
Sit down!

Sit down.
Get your hands
off the microphone!

Well...
Just leave it
in the middle of the two of you.

Leave it alone!
He said in the middle.

Take your hands off the mike!
Leave it alone.
That's not the middle.

Leave it there.

[Clears Throat]
Yes.

A few weeks ago,
they came to apologize
for getting me arrested.

I did not accept their apology.

That never happened!
He threatened...

Shut up!
Charlie, shut up!
Quiet! Quiet!

Quiet at the hearing!

[Clicks]
[Mac]
Oh, yeah, Dad?

Not gonna accept our apology?
Okay, fine. Plan "B," bitch.
We're gonna bury you.

[Charlie] Yeah, Mr. Mac.
I'm gonna tell those
parole board dickheads...

that you said you were
gonna rape my butt
until the room stinks.

And then you're
gonna eat my butt until
your stomach's full of butt,

full of my butt
and full of Mac's butt.

[Mac] You're not gonna
say it exactly like that...

[Charlie]
I'm gonna say
something like that.

All the butt business
is really gonna sell it.
[Clicks]

Charlie, I'm telling you
running away is not the answer.

We're gonna need
supplies on the road.
So just calm down.

Help me throw some stuff
into the stick and bindle.

Dude, no matter where we go,
my dad will find us.

And while I admit
it would be awesome...

to be hoboes drifting from town
to town solving mysteries,

I think we need
to find a real solution.

Oh, my God!
How do hoboes fit all
their stuff into a bandana?

It doesn't make sense, man!
We're gonna need like a towel
or a tablecloth or something!

It's not gonna look cool!
We're gonna look like assholes
running around.

Wait a second, dude.
That's it. I got it.
Forget the bindle.

The only way that my dad
is not going to kill us...

is if he thinks
we're already dead.

Great. I was hoping
you'd say that.
Let's kill ourselves.

No. You didn't let me finish.
It's no problem, dude.

I'm totally on board, okay?
I'm gonna grab a knife,
jab it into your neck,

yank it out,
then your blood's
gonna start going everywhere.

Listen...
You'll die
in five or 10 minutes.

And then depending on how
horrific that looks, I'll
probably do it myself too.

Listen.
I was gonna say
we fake our own death.

Yeah? Uh-huh?
He thinks we're dead
and leaves us alone.

Yeah. Either way works.
Let's just pick one
before he gets here!

Let's pick the second one
where we don't actually die.
We'll pick the second one.

Calm down!
We'll pick the second one.
Now, let's think.

We gotta do it in some way
that's convincing.
Right.

If we were
gonna kill ourselves,
it'd be awesome, right?

Yeah. Yeah.
If we were gonna kill ourselves,
it would be with class, right?

Because...
Of course it
would be with class.

What do you think,
I'm not gonna
die with class?

Maybe some type of explosion?
Of course an explosion!
I'm not gonna explode?

Okay, great.
Charlie, it would be some kind
of blaze-of-glory thing.

Of course it's gonna
be a blaze of glory.
Because we...

I'm going down
right now, bro.
Hold on a second.

What's up?
Okay, all right. So...

Did I miss something?
You're not getting this.

I'll walk you through
the steps as we go.

First step, do not douse
yourself with lighter fluid.

[Dee]
Whoa. What is that?
[Frank] I don't know.

You think it's
for watching somebody poop?

You think there's
some perv coming in here
to watch me make?

What are you doing in here?
I got to go to the bathroom.

There's a hole in the wall.
We're just trying
to figure out what it is.

Well, well, well, Deandra.

Would you look at that.

[Chuckles]
Frank, Dee,

what you two have
discovered today is what is
most commonly referred to...

as a glory hole.

A glory hole?

A secret portal created
as a passageway for one
to safely insert one's penis.

I'm sorry. A hole
to stick your dick in?
Yes, Dee.

The partition acts
as a physical barrier,

thus ensuring anonymity
throughout the spontaneous
act of copulation...

or fellatio or,
at the very least,
a hand job.

What? Why?
Why would you wanna have sex
with someone you can't see?

Well, Dee, I think
the real question is,

why wouldn't
you wanna have sex
with someone you can't see?

It's very European.
You see, Europe leads the way
in sexual exploration.

And, quite frankly,
I think it's time
we caught up.

This... sounds hot.

- I'm gonna go get
some duct tape.
- Whoa! Hold on a second, Frank.

Before you go sticking
anything through that hole,

you might wanna consider
that on the other side
of this wall,

more often than not,
there's a dude.

But you can't see
through the wall.

So how do you know
it's not a girl?

I mean, I can just
picture a girl, and then...
it's good. [Chuckles]

Right. Well,
some might find
that method effective,

but it's a dangerous game
you're playing, Frank.

Supposing the other guy
is picturing a girl also?

How is he gonna do that
with a dick in his mouth?

I don't know.
That's his problem.

We're filling it in.

Okay, buddy, you ready?

[Muffled] Are you sure
we have to do this?
Yes, we have to do this.

If the cops are gonna
identify the bodies, we need
to leave dental records behind.

So we leave a couple of teeth.
Bing-bang-boom!

I know. I feel like
it's gonna hurt.

Yeah, it's gonna hurt
like a bitch. Okay, ready?
Uh-huh.

One, two... Wait.
Uh-oh.

That just kind
of came out on its own.
Yeah, that slipped right out.

I barely pulled that.
Whoa.

[Gasps]
What?

Damn, dude.
That's another.

You should really
brush your teeth more
because that is not normal.

[Yelps]
Oh! Charlie, stop pulling
your teeth out like that.

They're just
coming right out.
You're freaking me out.

They, like,
slip right out.
It's really freaking me out.

- [Knocking]
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, shit.

You think it's my dad? Shh.
Of course
it's your dad, dude.

[Dee] Charlie, open up.
We got a dick hole in the bar.
Come fill it in.

[Sighs] I got
to go fill her dick hole.
No, no. We don't have time.

Okay. Audible.
Grab the camera.
Is Dee's car outside?

Uh... Yes.
Okay, great.

We'll steal it.
We'll use it
as a part of blaze of glory.

[Yelps]
Now you got to stop.
You really got to stop.

Just give me all the teeth.
I got them in my pocket.

Okay.
Shh.

Hey! What the...
[Thud]

Okay, go, go, go, go, go, go.

[Yells]

Why would you do that?
[Dee] Open the door!

I don't know. It's all
happening so fast.
You could've just opened it.

That's true.
I'll fire you
through that window.

Grab the... No!
[Shatters]

Just go.
Let's go.
Grab the camera.

- [Rustling]
- Okay.

So... Yes?

The videotape is done.
My teeth are scattered
throughout the car.

And the will is in place.
Okay. Great.
Toss it out the window.

They'll think we did it
at the last minute.
Okay. Got it.

Yeah.
What's next?

I'm gonna gun this car
as fast as it goes
directly into that wall.

Mm-hmm.
Judging by the distance,

I can get her up to about
60, 70 miles an hour.
Oh, definitely. Definitely.

At the last possible second...
I'm thinking maybe
three feet from the wall...

We jump out to safety,
the car explodes
in a hot ball of fury,

and we're dead
to the world.
Okeydokey. Good luck with that.

Wait.
Where you going, dude?

Well, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna watch you do it.

No. We need
to do it together.
I'm not really doing anything.

Yes, you are, Charlie.
You're here
for moral support.

But if no one's actually
seeing us jump out of the car...

We're gonna
kill ourselves together.
I wouldn't want you...

Get out. Get out. Get out.
I'll do it myself.

The whole thing's
gonna be better
without me anyway, Mac.

It's gonna
be great without me.
All right, buddy, good luck.

Pussy.

[Engine Revving]

[Screaming]

Mac! Holy shit, bro!
Are you all right?
Yeah.

Why didn't you jump out?
Holy shit!
I'm okay.

Dude! Oh, my God!
I was going too fast.

The car didn't
catch fire though.
I was going too fast.

Oh, my God.
Let's get out of here.

We're gonna have
to burn the car.
Let's do it.

We'll have to get
some gasoline.
All right.

Holy shit!
[Laughing]
Whoo!

Pawn shop, dude?
We're not gonna find something
to burn the car at a pawn shop.

Are you kidding me?
You can find amazing
things in pawn shops.

[Mac]
What about
a gas station, dude?

You can buy some gasoline
to burn the car.

But we've been
talking about this
the whole walk over.

You can't go
to a gas station.
There's too many cameras.

Bro, I say something,
and then you, like,
forget it two seconds later.

What are you talking about?
You sure you're all right?
Your ear's bleeding a ton.

I'm fine.
I feel like one million dollars.

Well, then focus,
Mr. Million Dollars...

and let's find something
to blow up a car.

Oh! Charlie, look
at that wedding dress, dude.
That's sad.

Okay, that is not gonna
blow a car up, okay?

So can you focus?
Okay.

Will you please
find a way to focus.

Oh, shit, look at this, dude.
Now we're talking.
Damn, they sell guns here?

They sell everything here.
That's what I'm trying
to tell you.

Pawn shops are like
international waters.

People come in
and they just trade stuff.
You know what I mean?

Anything goes here.
We can get whatever we want.

Let's pick this bad boy up.
Shit, that's awesome.
All right, good.

You're sure we'll have
enough money for this
and the wedding dress, right?

That is a great gun.

We're not buying
the wedding dress.

Yeah. We're buying
the wedding dress.
Are you crazy?

We can't just leave it here.
We absolutely can leave it here.

It's not gonna help us
in any way, shape or form.
That's crazy.

That car wreck,
it scrambled your circuits.
You're losing your mind.

Will you just
let me handle it?
I got Dee's purse.

Okay.
We got her credit cards
in here.

We have plenty of money.
I know what I'm doing.
Okay.

And stop talking
about the wedding dress.
All right.

Sir? Excuse me, sir.

Hi. Um, we are
in desperate need of something
that will destroy a car...

and, uh, annihilate
any traces of a human being.

Let me see what I got.

All right, you see that?
Yeah.

Your buddy here
knows what he's doing
every now and then. Okay?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, this is
an interesting turn.

- Uh, I'm assuming this
is a live grenade, yes?
- Oh, yeah.

Well, then we'll take it.
Yeah.

Was the wedding
in Philadelphia?
I don't care about the wedding.

Sir, do you have anything
that might get my buddy's head
straight? He's losing his mind.

Got some poppers in the back.

All right. There we go.

[Exhales Sharply]

All right, Luther,
today's the day.

You got any plans
for the outside?

[Grunts]

[Breathing Heavily]
Yeah.

I got some plans.

[Cell Door Opening]
I got some big plans.

Okay, I'm gonna throw
this grenade into the car.

The car will explode,
and our problems
will be solved.

In the meantime,
I need you to do a popper.

Okay, I understand the plan.

Except for when
we find the bride.

Don't even start, man.
That's a very important
part of my plan.

You've been talking crazy
for way too long.
Take a deep breath of this.

Inhale.
[Inhales]

Oh! Yeah!
There we go.

Grenade!
Yeah!

Throw it in the car.
Yeah. Let's do it. I'm back.

Let's not talk about
a dress anymore. Here we go.
No dress.

- Grenade.
- Go! Move!
Go, go, go, go!

Okay.
[Laughing]
This is gonna be awesome.

It's gonna be huge.
[Laughing]

[Horn Honks]

That's it?
Weird.

Yeah.
That was totally lame.

That's what grenades do?
It was a very old grenade.

What a gyp.
I thought it was gonna be
so much more awesome than that.

The car's not even on fire.
All right, plan "B."
Gun. Gas tank.

I'm gonna fire it into it.
The car's gonna go up.
Now you're thinking.

Yeah? Ready?
Go, baby.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. Dude.
- What happened?

You're gonna waste
all the bullets.
You got to get a lot closer.

Closer? No. You got
to stay far away 'cause
it's gonna blow up.

Chickenshit. I'll walk
right up and shoot it.
You can't walk right up to it.

It'll blow you to safety.
How about this?

Popper. Put it to my nose.
We'll walk up, and I'll just
be firing as I go.

Well, that will at least
help your focus.

Let's just...
That's at least
the smart thing to do.

Here we go.
Hold on.
I'm stepping on this dress.

One, two... [Inhales] Go.

Ah! Goddamn it, dude!
No more bullets.

Grenades and bullets
don't burn cars?
All right, new plan.

The teeth,
the envelope, the crash.
I think it's enough.

You think that's enough?
Maybe the cops will think
we just... I don't know.

Disintegrated?
All right, fine.

We'll get Dee's credit card,
buy some camping equipment.
We'll go up to the roof.

There's my boy. He's making
plans again. He's thinking.
He's back.

He's also wearing
a wedding dress though, and
I'd like him to take it off.

Oh, yeah. This is no good.
That's
completely crazy, man.

This is it.

Uh, I'm starting to have
second thoughts about
this sex party thing, Frank.

Dennis, you're having
second thoughts
about the glory hole?

And now you're
gonna be skittish
about the sex party?

Don't-Don't... You said you
wanted to have anonymous sex.
This is the place.

I do wanna have anonymous sex.
I wanna have anonymous sex.
I wanna have a sex party.

I want the glory hole.
I want all those things.
Here it is.

What I'm having
a hard time believing
though, Frank,

is that there is an elite
secret sex society behind
that door in this building.

I used to run with this crew.

These people are
the most powerful, influential,
sexiest people in Philadelphia.

Then why are they having
a goddamn orgy in a dump?

I thought this kind of thing
went down in somebody's
elegant mansion.

I was looking forward to that.

Nobody's gonna have
an orgy in their mansion,
all over their nice furniture.

That doesn't make sense.

No, it doesn't.
That's a really good point.
Let's do it.

Put your mask on,
and don't embarrass me.

All right.
Don't embarrass yourself.

[People Chattering]

What is the password?

Or-gy.

You may enter.

"Orgy"? Seriously?

What the hell is this place?

What did you bring me to?
A buffet.

I can see that.
But why is there a buffet
at a goddamn orgy, Frank?

You don't wanna bang
on an empty stomach,
do you?

I don't wanna bang any
of these people anyway. They're
all paunchy and weird and old.

You can't tell
under the masks.
I can absolutely tell.

And why are our costumes
so much more elaborate
than everybody else's?

It's like they didn't put
any effort into it.

Jesus Christ. That guy's
not even wearing a mask.

[Frank]
He's got the right idea.

This beak is interfering
with my nosh.

Don't take it off.
Aw, Jesus.
What are we doing here, man?

How is this even an orgy?
Nobody's having sex.

What did you bring me to?
You brought me... It's like
a half-nude buffet party.

It's not exactly what
I thought either. But it's
okay. There's a lot of food.

Frank,
I think we can both agree.

This is not
the kind of anonymous sex
we're looking for, right?

You wanna go down by the bridge?
What in God's name could
possibly be down by the bridge?

I don't know.
It could be cool.
It could be cool?

Yeah.
No, Frank, I don't wanna
go down by the bridge.

I'm going back to the bar.
I'm gonna go back
to the glory hole.

That's something I feel like
I can wrap my head around.
This is ridiculous.

You think these
are fresh shrimp
or is it frozen shrimp?

I don't care!

What is this place?
These are not...

Who are these... It's like
a bad acid trip in here.

I'm coming.
I'm gonna come.

[Frank]
Now, what if I just
slip my foot over like this?

As if to say,
"Hello. I'd like to have
some anonymous sex, please."

[Dennis]
All right,
I'm into that.

Then I wait for the signal back.

If it's a lady's foot,
I'm in the clear.

Frank, here's
my problem with that. A man
can wear a woman's shoe.

You can't rule out trickery.
That's why we need
the viewing slot.

This slot defeats the purpose.
I could see your eyes.

- We might as well get married.
- It's the safest way, Frank.

Dennis, if I was
looking for safe,
[Door Opens, Closes]

I wouldn't be sticking
my dick through a wall.

You guys,
get out here right now.
You need to look at this.

Good news, Dee.
We made the bathroom unisex.

Glory hole's
up and running, baby.
I don't care about that.

According to the Philadelphia
Police Department,
Mac and Charlie are dead.

And you got
the camera on?
Is it right?

Yeah.
Is it good?
Are we on?

Dennis and Frank,
if you're watching this,
then we're already dead.

Our lives were horrible...
horrible and sad. So we
decided to end it all.

Not me actually.
My life was pretty sweet.

But Charlie and I
had a suicide pact,
and I have to honor that...

because I am
an honorable man.
Wait a second.

I will die
an honorable man.
My life was sweet also...

There's also a will enclosed,
and you totally have to do all
of that because that's a law.

Wait a second.
My life was also honorable.
You ready to do this?

Here we go.
["Blaze of Glory" Blares]

I can't believe they're dead.

I can't believe
they didn't include me
in their suicide pact.

What? Are you crazy?
They're not dead.

They're definitely
doing something stupid,
but they're not dead.

You saw the tape, Dee.
My best friends went out
in a blaze of glory.

And they didn't even
ask me to be part of it.

This is terrible!
Are you buying this?
That is ridiculous.

Dennis, they left us
a list of demands.

What are you talking about?
That's their last will
and testament.

That is not demands.
It says at the top,
"List of Demands."

Whatever. It's their wishes,
and we have to honor them.
Oh, we do?

We have to honor them? Okay.
Let's see, Frank.

[Clears Throat]
Charlie's number one:

"My ashes are to be made
into a tea and to be dranken
by every-wan in bar."

- Done.
- Oh, damn it. Gross.
Fine. What else?

Mac's number one:
"In lieu of a body,

"which was most likely
blown up in the most
awesome way imaginable,

"I would like the duster
to be burned
and its ashes buried...

in an unmarked grave
somewhere by the river."

Well, that's crazy.
I'm not gonna burn
or bury the duster. No.

Yeah. We also both have to name
our firstborn child Murphy
because that was RoboCop's name.

Goddamn it.
Mac is dead, and he's
still bossing me around.

Mac is not dead, Dennis.
How can you be so cold?

- He blew up my car!
- Not burning the duster.

You're still talking
about a coat?
Absolutely!

It's a piece of cloth...
That is an automobile.

[Dee]
It's a piece of clothing!
[Frank] They're people!

[Dee]
They're alive!
They're live people!

[Arguing]
Jesus, man, they must
be really broken up...

if we can hear them
from up here.
Like cryin' and whinin' and...

Bitchin'.
I'm excited
about the hot dogs.

Oh, crap!
What?

We should've
got beans, dude. Hoboes are
always eating beans. Damn.

We'll be fine without
the beans, 'cause this is
a perfect, perfect hiding spot.

This would be better
with beans though.
Leave it alone with the beans.

[Glass Shatters]
[Grunts]

Yeah. No. Stop it.
Don't do it. Oh, my God.

How? How is that possible?
I don't know.

Just put it down.
You think they're
my baby teeth?

Put it with the other ones.
[Arguing Continues]

You're not gonna be able
to eat this hot dog.
I'll suck it down.

[Luther's Voice]
I asked you to leave me be.

I asked you
to let me live my life.

But you wouldn't go away.

You kept pushing and pushing...

until you forced me
to do something drastic...

Something I was hoping
I would never have to do.

[Voices Speaking Backwards]