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1
00:00:01,437 --> 00:00:03,889
I can't believe
I'm talking to a therapist.
2
00:00:05,250 --> 00:00:08,252
Well, usually, I'm not
the touchy-feely,
3
00:00:08,252 --> 00:00:10,271
talk-about-your-emotions type,
4
00:00:10,271 --> 00:00:14,191
but with this, I just had
to be a big enough person
5
00:00:14,191 --> 00:00:17,278
to admit that I need help.
6
00:00:17,278 --> 00:00:20,781
Huh. I guess this is what
growing up feels like.
7
00:00:20,781 --> 00:00:23,634
This is court-mandated therapy.
8
00:00:24,269 --> 00:00:25,669
You assaulted a woman.
9
00:00:25,669 --> 00:00:27,404
Oh...
10
00:00:27,404 --> 00:00:29,089
That silly thing.
11
00:00:29,958 --> 00:00:31,875
I guess we can talk about that.
12
00:00:31,875 --> 00:00:33,544
It all began a few months ago.
13
00:00:33,544 --> 00:00:37,715
There's this guy, Barney.
We used to date.
14
00:00:37,715 --> 00:00:40,601
I set him up with this girl
I work with, Nora.
15
00:00:40,601 --> 00:00:42,937
Barney was working hard
16
00:00:42,937 --> 00:00:45,606
to prove he was
real boyfriend material.
17
00:00:45,606 --> 00:00:49,610
So, all week, I had to sit there
watching him...
18
00:00:49,610 --> 00:00:51,862
send flowers...
19
00:00:54,983 --> 00:00:56,650
chocolates...
20
00:01:00,104 --> 00:01:01,655
balloons.
21
00:01:05,794 --> 00:01:07,661
Then one day...
22
00:01:08,363 --> 00:01:09,083
Hey...
23
00:01:10,298 --> 00:01:13,584
I heard Barney didn't send
anything today.
24
00:01:13,584 --> 00:01:16,503
Patrice said
maybe he met somebody else.
25
00:01:16,503 --> 00:01:19,640
She's such
a bitch, right?
26
00:01:29,149 --> 00:01:30,150
He's so dreamy.
27
00:01:30,150 --> 00:01:32,603
Nobody asked you, Patrice!
28
00:01:32,603 --> 00:01:35,305
I'm sorry.
You must already think
29
00:01:35,305 --> 00:01:36,573
that I'm a horrible person.
30
00:01:36,573 --> 00:01:39,243
Robin, many of my patients
are disturbed felons.
31
00:01:39,243 --> 00:01:42,279
Last week, one of them mailed me
a bag of his feces.
32
00:01:42,279 --> 00:01:44,114
On the plus side,
he remembered my birthday.
33
00:01:44,114 --> 00:01:45,833
You're doing fine.
34
00:01:45,833 --> 00:01:49,169
Well, finally, I-I just
couldn't take it anymore.
35
00:01:49,169 --> 00:01:50,254
I snapped.
36
00:02:05,487 --> 00:02:07,137
And that's when
the assault occurred?
37
00:02:07,137 --> 00:02:08,856
Not exactly.
38
00:02:24,962 --> 00:02:26,045
So, you're drunk
39
00:02:26,045 --> 00:02:28,864
under a desk, binge-eating
stolen chocolates.
40
00:02:28,864 --> 00:02:31,217
Boy, I am not coming
across great here, am I?
41
00:02:31,217 --> 00:02:33,469
This is not about how
you're coming across.
42
00:02:33,469 --> 00:02:34,537
But no.
43
00:02:34,537 --> 00:02:36,756
Okay, well, for this story
to make sense,
44
00:02:36,756 --> 00:02:39,342
I have to tell you about
my friends Marshall and Lily.
45
00:02:39,342 --> 00:02:41,594
The wine looks good.
46
00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:44,897
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
47
00:02:44,897 --> 00:02:46,733
pregnant women
can't drink alcohol.
48
00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:47,934
No, my doctor says it's okay
49
00:02:47,934 --> 00:02:50,319
to have a sip of wine
every now and then.
50
00:02:50,319 --> 00:02:51,154
Really?
51
00:02:51,154 --> 00:02:52,605
Dr. Sonya's great.
52
00:02:52,605 --> 00:02:55,358
Whenever you ask her if you can
have something, she's, like...
53
00:02:55,358 --> 00:02:58,394
Just a little bit.
54
00:02:58,394 --> 00:03:00,947
Wait, Dr. Sonya doesn't let
you have sushi, does she?
55
00:03:00,947 --> 00:03:03,232
Just a little bit.
56
00:03:04,168 --> 00:03:05,284
You're allowed
to have Cheetos?
57
00:03:05,284 --> 00:03:07,453
Cheetos...
58
00:03:07,453 --> 00:03:09,672
Ah, just a little bit.
59
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:12,091
You mind if I double-check
60
00:03:12,091 --> 00:03:13,543
some of this stuff
just in case?
61
00:03:13,543 --> 00:03:15,461
I mean, it's the least
I could do
62
00:03:15,461 --> 00:03:17,296
as part of Team Baby.
63
00:03:17,296 --> 00:03:19,298
"Team Baby"?
Whoa. What's next,
64
00:03:19,298 --> 00:03:21,434
like, cheesy
matching T-shirts?
65
00:03:22,553 --> 00:03:23,303
No.
66
00:03:26,923 --> 00:03:28,558
Robin, I've had serial killers
lead me
67
00:03:28,558 --> 00:03:31,093
to shallow graves faster
than you're telling this story.
68
00:03:31,093 --> 00:03:34,647
Okay! Look, it was getting
impossible for me
69
00:03:34,647 --> 00:03:37,483
to be around Nora,
so when an opportunity
70
00:03:37,483 --> 00:03:39,202
to get rid of her
presented itself...
71
00:03:39,202 --> 00:03:41,103
It's Sandy time!
72
00:03:41,103 --> 00:03:42,488
Huddle up, gang.
73
00:03:42,488 --> 00:03:45,107
Two things: 1) Somebody stole
74
00:03:45,107 --> 00:03:47,109
a very expensive bottle of wine
from my office...
75
00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:54,450
2) I need a producer to cover
the G8 Summit in France.
76
00:03:54,450 --> 00:03:55,468
Nora will do it!
77
00:03:55,468 --> 00:03:58,304
I mean, I know I have
seniority, but...
78
00:03:58,304 --> 00:04:00,139
I was gonna ask Nora anyway.
79
00:04:00,139 --> 00:04:03,726
Thanks for the support, Robin.
This is huge for me.
80
00:04:05,145 --> 00:04:07,580
Are, are you
sure about this, Sandy?
81
00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:09,182
I do have seniority.
82
00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:12,235
Oh, I'm sure. Nora's amazing.
83
00:04:12,235 --> 00:04:14,737
I want to have sex with her.
84
00:04:15,639 --> 00:04:17,990
To deal with that rejection
from Barney,
85
00:04:17,990 --> 00:04:19,742
not to mention your boss...
86
00:04:19,742 --> 00:04:21,444
must've really hurt.
87
00:04:22,346 --> 00:04:24,413
Why don't we dig
into those emotions?
88
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:28,367
So Marshall and Lily were
at Dr. Sonya's office...
89
00:04:31,455 --> 00:04:32,672
It's fascinating
90
00:04:32,672 --> 00:04:36,926
how profoundly little I know
about vaginas.
91
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,161
DR. SONYA
Come in.
92
00:04:39,161 --> 00:04:41,547
Ted, what are you
doing here?!
93
00:04:41,547 --> 00:04:43,165
I checked up on all the stuff
94
00:04:43,165 --> 00:04:47,103
this "doctor" says is okay,
and she's wrong.
95
00:04:47,103 --> 00:04:51,691
So, for the health of this baby,
I'm stepping in.
96
00:04:51,691 --> 00:04:53,526
Sounds like this Ted guy could
benefit from some therapy.
97
00:04:53,526 --> 00:04:54,911
Oh, he definitely could.
98
00:04:54,911 --> 00:04:56,262
This is unacceptable.
99
00:04:56,262 --> 00:04:58,514
I'm sorry, we're gonna have
to find a new doctor.
100
00:04:58,514 --> 00:05:00,483
Guys, for the health
of our baby,
101
00:05:00,483 --> 00:05:02,318
Our?
we have to get serious
102
00:05:02,318 --> 00:05:04,186
about what Lily is
putting in her body.
103
00:05:04,186 --> 00:05:06,038
Speaking of which,
when we deliver,
104
00:05:06,038 --> 00:05:07,623
we won't be using any drugs.
105
00:05:07,623 --> 00:05:08,875
Get out!
106
00:05:08,875 --> 00:05:10,859
Why are you kicking me out?!
107
00:05:10,859 --> 00:05:14,046
Because you're always intruding
on our intimate moments!
108
00:05:14,046 --> 00:05:17,032
This is like college
all over again!
109
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,036
Man, you guys
sure are messy!
110
00:05:21,036 --> 00:05:22,221
There's clothes everywhere.
111
00:05:22,221 --> 00:05:24,674
There's even a sock
on the door!
112
00:05:24,674 --> 00:05:27,977
A sock on the door
is a universal code
113
00:05:27,977 --> 00:05:29,228
for "We need some space."
114
00:05:29,228 --> 00:05:31,764
We needed it back then,
and we need it now.
115
00:05:31,764 --> 00:05:33,599
Come on! We're a trio!
116
00:05:33,599 --> 00:05:34,984
We've always been a trio!
117
00:05:34,984 --> 00:05:37,520
We're right up there with Batman
and Robin and Alfred.
118
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:38,738
Out!
119
00:05:38,738 --> 00:05:41,107
Romeo and Juliet
and the Apothecary.
120
00:05:41,107 --> 00:05:41,941
Now!
121
00:05:41,941 --> 00:05:45,244
Salt and Pepper and Cumin!
122
00:05:45,244 --> 00:05:48,114
What's that little guy
up there do?
123
00:05:48,114 --> 00:05:49,231
Oh, you poor girl.
124
00:05:50,066 --> 00:05:51,000
Robin!
125
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:52,368
It all ties together, I swear.
126
00:05:52,368 --> 00:05:55,204
So, Nora was about
to leave for France.
127
00:05:55,204 --> 00:05:56,739
You know, not
too long ago,
128
00:05:56,739 --> 00:05:57,957
I would have
been worried
129
00:05:57,957 --> 00:05:59,375
that if I left you alone,
130
00:05:59,375 --> 00:06:02,261
you'd be up to no good
with some blond bimbo.
131
00:06:02,261 --> 00:06:03,796
Oh, I've changed.
132
00:06:03,796 --> 00:06:05,715
I know, which is why
when I get back,
133
00:06:05,715 --> 00:06:08,083
it's gonna be the start
of a new chapter for us.
134
00:06:08,083 --> 00:06:10,753
A chapter of me and you
and hopefully not that tie.
135
00:06:10,753 --> 00:06:12,021
You got me!
136
00:06:12,021 --> 00:06:14,056
Have a nice trip!
137
00:06:15,475 --> 00:06:17,443
Dr. Stinson?
I saw your ad,
138
00:06:17,443 --> 00:06:19,862
and I'm here for my free
breast-reduction consultation.
139
00:06:19,862 --> 00:06:22,531
What do you think?
140
00:06:22,531 --> 00:06:25,534
Are they too big?
141
00:06:30,727 --> 00:06:33,840
I can't believe you're still
running plays on dumb blondes!
142
00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:35,475
I thought you were
serious about Nora!
143
00:06:35,475 --> 00:06:37,043
No, I've been good, I swear!
144
00:06:37,043 --> 00:06:39,512
I just forgot about my BDSes.
145
00:06:39,512 --> 00:06:43,183
- BDSes?
- Bimbo Delivery Systems.
146
00:06:43,183 --> 00:06:46,553
You see, over the years,
I've launched a variety
147
00:06:46,553 --> 00:06:49,606
of elaborate systems that are
always working to get me laid.
148
00:06:49,606 --> 00:06:51,858
Like my pop-up ads.
149
00:06:51,858 --> 00:06:55,278
Oh, hi.
I'm Dr. Barney Stinson.
150
00:06:55,278 --> 00:06:57,096
Are your really large breasts
151
00:06:57,096 --> 00:06:58,698
making everyday tasks difficult?
152
00:06:58,698 --> 00:06:59,448
Oh!
153
00:07:00,768 --> 00:07:02,935
There's just got
to be a better way!
154
00:07:02,935 --> 00:07:04,287
There is!
155
00:07:04,287 --> 00:07:07,741
I, Dr. Barney Stinson,
for a limited time only,
156
00:07:07,741 --> 00:07:11,044
can give you a free
breast-reduction consultation.
157
00:07:11,044 --> 00:07:12,545
Call me.
158
00:07:12,545 --> 00:07:14,297
If your knockers are
just too damn big,
159
00:07:14,297 --> 00:07:17,617
I can handle them... it.
160
00:07:17,617 --> 00:07:19,619
Women actually
fell for that?
161
00:07:19,619 --> 00:07:21,471
Yeah.
That business really took off.
162
00:07:21,471 --> 00:07:23,506
It played in all kinds
of markets.
163
00:07:28,813 --> 00:07:31,681
Okay, survivors,
today's reward challenge
164
00:07:31,681 --> 00:07:34,818
is brought to you by
Dr. Barney Stinson's
165
00:07:34,818 --> 00:07:36,319
Free Breast Reduction
Consultations.
166
00:07:36,319 --> 00:07:38,371
That scam was
so successful,
167
00:07:38,371 --> 00:07:40,607
it spawned a related enterprise.
168
00:07:41,809 --> 00:07:44,744
If you've been fooled
by a well-endowed man
169
00:07:44,744 --> 00:07:45,912
who claimed to be a doctor
170
00:07:45,912 --> 00:07:49,482
offering free breast-reduction
consultations,
171
00:07:49,482 --> 00:07:52,752
come see me, Arnie Linson,
attorney-at-law,
172
00:07:52,752 --> 00:07:55,755
and join my class-action suit.
173
00:07:55,755 --> 00:07:57,690
If your giant breasts
have been wronged,
174
00:07:57,690 --> 00:08:01,511
I can handle them... it.
175
00:08:01,511 --> 00:08:03,930
I got 'em comin' and goin'!
176
00:08:03,930 --> 00:08:04,770
Uh-huh.
177
00:08:06,333 --> 00:08:08,184
I can't believe you go
178
00:08:08,184 --> 00:08:10,437
to so much trouble
to get laid.
179
00:08:10,437 --> 00:08:12,272
Yeah, sometimes I don't
even have to shower.
180
00:08:12,272 --> 00:08:14,190
Mama loves it musky.
181
00:08:14,190 --> 00:08:17,227
I gotta shut down all these
systems before Nora gets back.
182
00:08:17,227 --> 00:08:19,562
How am I gonna do all that
in three days?
183
00:08:19,562 --> 00:08:20,980
I'll help you.
184
00:08:20,980 --> 00:08:24,150
Maybe you should write
on your little chart there:
185
00:08:24,150 --> 00:08:27,537
"Patient selflessly tried
to help a friend in need."
186
00:08:27,537 --> 00:08:30,523
First of all, this is
a crossword puzzle.
187
00:08:30,523 --> 00:08:32,959
Secondly, you were clearly
planning on using
188
00:08:32,959 --> 00:08:34,410
those three days
to steal Barney back.
189
00:08:34,410 --> 00:08:37,997
I am his friend! How dare you!
190
00:08:37,997 --> 00:08:40,884
God, you think you're so smart
just because
191
00:08:40,884 --> 00:08:42,368
you went to Harvard
192
00:08:42,368 --> 00:08:43,870
and then Princeton
193
00:08:43,870 --> 00:08:46,473
and then... wow,
Harvard again.
194
00:08:46,473 --> 00:08:47,924
Okay, yes, fine.
195
00:08:47,924 --> 00:08:50,176
I was... I was trying
to steal him back.
196
00:08:50,176 --> 00:08:51,811
This is good.
You're finally opening up
197
00:08:51,811 --> 00:08:52,896
and talking about yourself,
198
00:08:52,896 --> 00:08:54,881
not just what Marshall
and Lily were up to.
199
00:08:54,881 --> 00:08:56,883
Oh, yeah, so Marshall and Lily
were folding laundry...
200
00:08:56,883 --> 00:08:59,102
That one's my fault.
201
00:08:59,102 --> 00:09:01,521
You know...
202
00:09:01,521 --> 00:09:04,223
Never mind.
203
00:09:05,576 --> 00:09:06,493
It's just...
204
00:09:06,493 --> 00:09:08,578
Forget it.
205
00:09:09,446 --> 00:09:11,080
Marshall, you're
a grown-ass man.
206
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:13,366
If you want to say
something, just say it.
207
00:09:13,366 --> 00:09:15,618
I feel bad for Ted!
And if my mom were here,
208
00:09:15,618 --> 00:09:16,903
she would ask me what was wrong.
209
00:09:16,903 --> 00:09:19,255
You feel bad for Ted?!
210
00:09:19,255 --> 00:09:21,574
It's tough feeling
like the third wheel.
211
00:09:21,574 --> 00:09:24,410
Okay, first of all,
I'm sure Ted's fine.
212
00:09:24,410 --> 00:09:28,681
Who eats salt and pepper
without cumin?
213
00:09:30,217 --> 00:09:33,603
Second, Ted is way off base
coming after Dr. Sonya.
214
00:09:33,603 --> 00:09:35,188
We love her! Right?
215
00:09:38,976 --> 00:09:41,761
Don't tell me
you're doubting Dr. Sonya!
216
00:09:41,761 --> 00:09:43,863
Just a little bit.
217
00:09:44,648 --> 00:09:46,265
What's that thing?
218
00:09:46,265 --> 00:09:48,768
Well, for some women, it was
the ashes of my parents.
219
00:09:48,768 --> 00:09:51,771
For others, it was the trophy
from Wimbledon.
220
00:09:51,771 --> 00:09:55,959
And believe it or not, for
one busty dullard, it was both.
221
00:09:55,959 --> 00:09:58,611
Game, enormous set, match.
222
00:10:01,048 --> 00:10:02,749
Hello?
223
00:10:02,749 --> 00:10:04,417
Oh, yeah, thanks
for calling me back.
224
00:10:04,417 --> 00:10:05,451
Uh, Barney,
225
00:10:05,451 --> 00:10:07,887
It's Mitch
from the Port Authority.
226
00:10:10,724 --> 00:10:16,262
Port Authority Mitch.
You'd always call me whenever
227
00:10:16,262 --> 00:10:18,481
a wide-eyed farm girl
would get off the bus
228
00:10:18,481 --> 00:10:21,651
with big dreams of Broadway
and no idea
229
00:10:21,651 --> 00:10:24,136
what a "casting director"
could legally ask her to do,
230
00:10:24,136 --> 00:10:26,155
hold or lick during an audition.
231
00:10:26,155 --> 00:10:28,591
I'm sorry, old friend,
232
00:10:28,591 --> 00:10:31,077
your services are
no longer needed.
233
00:10:31,077 --> 00:10:35,582
Oh, God, I can't believe
I'm doing this over the phone!
234
00:10:36,250 --> 00:10:38,952
My love to Marge and the kids!
235
00:10:40,421 --> 00:10:41,771
I know. Here.
236
00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:44,791
I didn't realize this would be so hard!
I know, I know.
237
00:10:44,791 --> 00:10:46,492
But hey, you know what? We're
almost through our checklist.
238
00:10:46,492 --> 00:10:47,994
- Okay? Okay?
- Okay.
239
00:10:47,994 --> 00:10:49,178
Which reminds me,
240
00:10:49,178 --> 00:10:51,381
why am I calling a hair salon
and saying,
241
00:10:51,381 --> 00:10:53,600
"Jack Fantastic is quitting"?
242
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:54,934
Sweetheart,
243
00:10:54,934 --> 00:10:57,437
it's like Maya Angelou
keeps telling Oprah,
244
00:10:57,437 --> 00:10:59,138
and I keep telling you:
245
00:10:59,138 --> 00:11:02,809
When you know better,
you do better.
246
00:11:02,809 --> 00:11:05,528
Wow, you are so wise.
247
00:11:05,528 --> 00:11:08,781
I wish you were straight
so I could date you.
248
00:11:08,781 --> 00:11:09,621
Well...
249
00:11:11,485 --> 00:11:16,406
as a matter of fact, I have
an extremely attractive
250
00:11:16,406 --> 00:11:20,710
straight twin brother!
251
00:11:23,363 --> 00:11:24,203
Oh, hi.
252
00:11:26,133 --> 00:11:27,984
I cropped that Halloween photo.
253
00:11:27,984 --> 00:11:31,888
It's just salt and pepper, now,
so it looks ridiculous.
254
00:11:31,888 --> 00:11:34,257
Ted, I want you back on Team Baby.
What?
255
00:11:34,257 --> 00:11:35,658
I knew you'd come around!
256
00:11:35,658 --> 00:11:37,927
Guys! I didn't really
crop the photo!
257
00:11:37,927 --> 00:11:39,762
Plus...
258
00:11:39,762 --> 00:11:41,014
Good news.
259
00:11:41,014 --> 00:11:43,182
I signed us up for
a birthing class.
260
00:11:43,182 --> 00:11:44,934
Well, that's insane.
261
00:11:44,934 --> 00:11:47,236
It's way too early for
that, right, Marshall?
262
00:11:47,236 --> 00:11:50,523
Okay, listen. I am the
father of this child,
263
00:11:50,523 --> 00:11:52,608
and I vote that we go
to the birthing class.
264
00:11:52,608 --> 00:11:54,610
Absolutely not.
265
00:11:54,610 --> 00:11:56,062
'Kay, Lily.
266
00:11:56,062 --> 00:11:58,031
I hate to play this card...
267
00:11:58,031 --> 00:12:01,167
but if you don't
come to this class...
268
00:12:01,167 --> 00:12:02,669
I'm withholding sex.
269
00:12:02,669 --> 00:12:04,037
I don't think she's coming.
270
00:12:04,037 --> 00:12:05,421
Yeah.
271
00:12:05,421 --> 00:12:08,341
I was a little suspicious when
she had us take separate cabs.
272
00:12:10,911 --> 00:12:12,295
Lily, don't do it!
273
00:12:12,295 --> 00:12:14,347
Just a little bit.
274
00:12:14,347 --> 00:12:16,516
Think about our baby!
275
00:12:18,185 --> 00:12:20,520
You got to be kidding me,
Robin. Get to the assault.
276
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:22,605
Okay, fine.
277
00:12:22,605 --> 00:12:25,041
So Barney and I were finishing
packing his apartment...
278
00:12:25,041 --> 00:12:28,778
Okay. One last item
on the checklist.
279
00:12:28,778 --> 00:12:30,863
Disconnect the Cold Call 5000.
280
00:12:30,863 --> 00:12:32,732
What the hell's that?
281
00:12:32,732 --> 00:12:35,201
I was able to secure the
customer database from a company
282
00:12:35,201 --> 00:12:37,403
that sells body glitter
and high-end pasties.
283
00:12:37,403 --> 00:12:41,708
The Cold Call 5000 will
dial every female client
284
00:12:41,708 --> 00:12:44,610
between the ages of 22 and 23,
285
00:12:44,610 --> 00:12:45,778
and leave the following message:
286
00:12:45,778 --> 00:12:47,497
Hi, I know this is crazy,
287
00:12:47,497 --> 00:12:50,583
but I saw you on the subway,
and I knew we were meant to be.
288
00:12:50,583 --> 00:12:53,669
If you believe in destiny,
come to MacLaren's tonight
289
00:12:53,669 --> 00:12:55,304
and find me, Barney Stinson.
290
00:12:55,304 --> 00:12:58,341
Because I have this feeling that
I'm supposed to be on you--
291
00:12:58,341 --> 00:12:59,559
with you.
292
00:12:59,559 --> 00:13:01,627
Why not re-record it?
293
00:13:01,627 --> 00:13:03,813
I did like a hundred takes.
It kept happening.
294
00:13:06,266 --> 00:13:08,101
I can't believe
Lily's not coming!
295
00:13:08,101 --> 00:13:09,635
You know what? Screw it!
296
00:13:09,635 --> 00:13:12,438
Who says that two bros
can't rock a birthing class?
297
00:13:12,438 --> 00:13:14,173
Rock it!
298
00:13:15,242 --> 00:13:19,529
Today, we'll be exploring
"The Sensual Massage."
299
00:13:19,529 --> 00:13:22,915
Let's start by gently cupping
our partner's hands...
300
00:13:29,156 --> 00:13:31,340
and just breathe each other in.
301
00:13:38,015 --> 00:13:39,498
Thanks, Robin.
302
00:13:39,498 --> 00:13:42,101
You're the only person I know
who would help me do all that.
303
00:13:42,101 --> 00:13:44,053
You're a real bro.
304
00:13:44,053 --> 00:13:45,304
Am I, though?
305
00:13:45,304 --> 00:13:48,524
'Cause I'm really
more of a woman.
306
00:13:48,524 --> 00:13:49,976
To my femininity.
307
00:13:49,976 --> 00:13:52,728
Nah, you're more of a bro.
308
00:13:52,728 --> 00:13:55,731
You're a dude.
You're a man.
309
00:13:58,018 --> 00:14:02,288
Hey, you are flying
solo one more night.
310
00:14:02,288 --> 00:14:04,824
How about I put on
a smokin' hot dress,
311
00:14:04,824 --> 00:14:08,578
you slap a vest over
that crime scene of a tie
312
00:14:08,578 --> 00:14:09,796
and we paint the town?
313
00:14:09,796 --> 00:14:12,131
I mean, when was the last time
we got rip-roaring drunk
314
00:14:12,131 --> 00:14:14,801
in clothing that
highlights our genders?
315
00:14:15,702 --> 00:14:17,753
So, your plan was to
be out on the town,
316
00:14:17,753 --> 00:14:21,174
dressed provocatively, drinking
with another woman's man.
317
00:14:22,075 --> 00:14:23,876
Robin, this is our
first session, and
318
00:14:23,876 --> 00:14:27,130
I know this is just one
clinical opinion, but...
319
00:14:27,130 --> 00:14:29,048
you a dawg!
320
00:14:29,048 --> 00:14:30,650
Yeah...
321
00:14:30,650 --> 00:14:32,185
There was just one problem...
322
00:14:32,185 --> 00:14:33,336
Surprise!
323
00:14:33,336 --> 00:14:34,821
I got back early!
324
00:14:34,821 --> 00:14:35,821
Hey!
325
00:14:38,725 --> 00:14:41,410
Let me guess,
326
00:14:41,410 --> 00:14:43,329
you got drunk
under your desk again?
327
00:14:43,329 --> 00:14:47,950
No, Mr. Harvard. I handled
things a little differently...
328
00:14:56,685 --> 00:14:59,689
So, I suppose now you want me
to talk about how it felt
329
00:14:59,987 --> 00:15:02,833
watching Barney and Nora
walk off together, right?
330
00:15:03,193 --> 00:15:05,728
I'd rather just skip ahead
to the assault.
331
00:15:05,728 --> 00:15:07,096
My next patient thinks he's God.
332
00:15:07,096 --> 00:15:08,514
On the off chance
that he's right,
333
00:15:08,514 --> 00:15:10,149
I really don't want
to keep him waiting.
334
00:15:10,149 --> 00:15:13,853
Well, right after they left,
something crazy happened.
335
00:15:13,853 --> 00:15:19,192
Excuse me, do you know where
I can find Barney Stinson?
336
00:15:19,192 --> 00:15:22,578
He saw me on the subway and left
me a message to meet him here.
337
00:15:23,580 --> 00:15:25,397
Why not re-record it?
338
00:15:25,397 --> 00:15:27,583
I did like a hundred takes.
It kept happening.
339
00:15:35,292 --> 00:15:36,492
Hi, I know this is crazy,
340
00:15:36,492 --> 00:15:37,710
but I saw you on the subway...
341
00:15:37,710 --> 00:15:41,798
He asked me if I believed
in destiny. And I do.
342
00:15:41,798 --> 00:15:44,416
We are so meant to be.
343
00:15:44,416 --> 00:15:46,135
Where can I find him?
344
00:15:47,221 --> 00:15:49,088
So I was faced
with a moral dilemma.
345
00:15:49,088 --> 00:15:51,691
Unleash this nut bag on them
346
00:15:51,691 --> 00:15:55,361
or be a bigger person,
and help my friend.
347
00:15:55,361 --> 00:15:57,814
Barney's at CafГ© L'Amour,
75th and Amsterdam.
348
00:15:57,814 --> 00:16:00,283
- Awesome!
- No, wait, wait, wait!
349
00:16:00,283 --> 00:16:02,318
Okay, this isn't right.
350
00:16:02,318 --> 00:16:05,822
Let's pop that top
button, show off your gals.
351
00:16:05,822 --> 00:16:08,040
Ooh! Good luck, go get 'em!
352
00:16:09,626 --> 00:16:13,079
Let your love come
through your fingers.
353
00:16:15,082 --> 00:16:16,382
Dude, the rule is no moaning
354
00:16:16,382 --> 00:16:18,084
and keep your eyes
open at all times.
355
00:16:18,084 --> 00:16:20,336
Stop being weird.
356
00:16:20,336 --> 00:16:22,421
And hey, when do I
get to be the woman?
357
00:16:22,421 --> 00:16:26,392
Now remember, the most
important thing in pregnancy
358
00:16:26,392 --> 00:16:28,644
is to keep Mom calm and happy.
359
00:16:28,644 --> 00:16:30,730
She knows best what she needs.
360
00:16:30,730 --> 00:16:31,747
Trust her.
361
00:16:31,747 --> 00:16:34,433
Now, Papas,
362
00:16:34,433 --> 00:16:36,986
I want you to take
Mom's hands in yours,
363
00:16:36,986 --> 00:16:40,072
look deep into her eyes,
364
00:16:40,072 --> 00:16:41,941
and repeat after me.
365
00:16:41,941 --> 00:16:44,110
I believe in you.
366
00:16:44,110 --> 00:16:46,162
I believe in you.
367
00:16:46,162 --> 00:16:48,981
I honor your body's wisdom.
368
00:16:50,784 --> 00:16:52,752
I honor your body's wisdom.
369
00:16:52,752 --> 00:16:55,371
Your womb is a temple.
370
00:16:55,371 --> 00:16:58,674
- Your womb is a--
- Okay, I get it!
371
00:16:58,674 --> 00:17:01,427
I feel terrible we didn't
listen to what Lily wanted!
372
00:17:01,427 --> 00:17:02,762
I know, so do I.
373
00:17:02,762 --> 00:17:05,681
The truth is, I thought
I'd be married by now
374
00:17:05,681 --> 00:17:08,301
and going through all this
stuff alongside you guys.
375
00:17:08,301 --> 00:17:11,387
But even if I meet the girl of
my dreams right this second,
376
00:17:11,387 --> 00:17:13,672
I'm still one night
and nine months away
377
00:17:13,672 --> 00:17:15,308
from having a family
of my own.
378
00:17:15,308 --> 00:17:17,276
And that's assuming the
mother of my children
379
00:17:17,276 --> 00:17:19,195
is just a huge slut.
380
00:17:20,063 --> 00:17:21,397
Don't lose hope, Ted.
381
00:17:21,397 --> 00:17:24,183
That slut is out there.
382
00:17:24,183 --> 00:17:25,868
Thanks, buddy.
383
00:17:25,868 --> 00:17:27,320
We owe Lily an apology.
384
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:28,571
Yeah.
385
00:17:30,824 --> 00:17:34,126
Dads, this is the time that
I'll answer every question
386
00:17:34,126 --> 00:17:36,212
you've ever had about vaginas.
387
00:17:36,212 --> 00:17:38,381
Damn it!
388
00:17:42,386 --> 00:17:43,702
Hey.
389
00:17:43,702 --> 00:17:45,805
I'm so sorry, Lily.
390
00:17:45,805 --> 00:17:49,558
You have just a little bit.
391
00:17:55,349 --> 00:17:58,601
I realize now that it's my job
for the next seven months
392
00:17:58,601 --> 00:18:02,355
to keep you happy,
and that's why...
393
00:18:02,355 --> 00:18:05,141
I'm no longer withholding sex.
394
00:18:05,141 --> 00:18:07,660
My hero.
395
00:18:07,660 --> 00:18:10,229
But I want to make sure
that you feel comfortable
396
00:18:10,229 --> 00:18:11,364
with Dr. Sonya, too.
397
00:18:11,364 --> 00:18:12,615
I do. And you know what,
398
00:18:12,615 --> 00:18:14,583
the fact that she's so calm
and laid back,
399
00:18:14,583 --> 00:18:16,002
maybe that's not a bad thing.
400
00:18:16,002 --> 00:18:17,503
Maybe that's exactly
what we're gonna want
401
00:18:17,503 --> 00:18:19,005
in that delivery room.
402
00:18:19,005 --> 00:18:23,376
Lily, if you don't push, I will
shove this baby up your throat
403
00:18:23,376 --> 00:18:25,161
and pull it out of your mouth!
404
00:18:27,381 --> 00:18:29,215
Where the hell is Marshall?!
405
00:18:29,215 --> 00:18:31,500
That's a crazy story, kids.
406
00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:32,935
I'll get to that.
407
00:18:32,935 --> 00:18:36,055
Hey, Ted's out
in the hall.
408
00:18:36,055 --> 00:18:38,257
He wants to apologize, too.
409
00:18:44,414 --> 00:18:45,414
Hey.
410
00:18:46,316 --> 00:18:48,734
What happened to your sock?
411
00:18:48,734 --> 00:18:51,787
Long story. Bottom line,
I realized that sometimes
412
00:18:51,787 --> 00:18:54,707
love means taking a step back.
413
00:18:54,707 --> 00:18:57,159
Well, not always.
414
00:18:57,159 --> 00:18:59,462
I mean, sometimes it's
better to interfere
415
00:18:59,462 --> 00:19:01,613
and sabotage stuff, right?
416
00:19:01,613 --> 00:19:04,083
Well, I think if you
care about somebody,
417
00:19:04,083 --> 00:19:05,634
you should want them
to be happy,
418
00:19:05,634 --> 00:19:07,887
even if you wind up
being left out.
419
00:19:07,887 --> 00:19:08,887
Wow.
420
00:19:09,956 --> 00:19:12,425
The lesson you learned
with Lily and Marshall
421
00:19:12,425 --> 00:19:14,927
is directly applicable
to my situation,
422
00:19:14,927 --> 00:19:16,262
and is therefore
423
00:19:16,262 --> 00:19:19,065
a valid part of how I'll
eventually tell this story.
424
00:19:19,065 --> 00:19:20,132
Really?
425
00:19:20,132 --> 00:19:21,534
That's how that went down?
426
00:19:21,534 --> 00:19:25,337
Point is, it all
tied together, right?
427
00:19:25,337 --> 00:19:26,739
Not really at all.
428
00:19:26,739 --> 00:19:28,691
Can we just get to the assault?
429
00:19:29,359 --> 00:19:30,659
To us!
430
00:19:30,659 --> 00:19:32,028
Barney, it's me!
431
00:19:32,028 --> 00:19:34,246
I love you, Barney!
432
00:19:35,082 --> 00:19:36,449
Mmm, scallops look good.
433
00:19:36,449 --> 00:19:37,750
Oh, they are.
434
00:19:37,750 --> 00:19:40,286
But the last time I was here
they ran out, so, uh...
435
00:19:40,286 --> 00:19:43,339
knock... on... wood.
436
00:19:44,424 --> 00:19:47,710
Well, I have my eye on the
red velvet cake for dessert.
437
00:19:47,710 --> 00:19:49,879
Lovely. Splitsies?
438
00:19:49,879 --> 00:19:52,381
Nah, I want it
all to myself.
439
00:19:52,381 --> 00:19:53,599
Really?
440
00:19:53,599 --> 00:19:54,767
Arm wrestle for it?
441
00:19:54,767 --> 00:19:55,718
No!
442
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:58,387
All right.
443
00:19:58,387 --> 00:19:59,522
I love this place.
444
00:19:59,522 --> 00:20:01,107
- Thank you, babe.
- You're welcome.
445
00:20:01,107 --> 00:20:02,691
Babe.
446
00:20:02,691 --> 00:20:05,361
Barney doesn't know a thing
about any of this.
447
00:20:05,361 --> 00:20:09,281
But that's why I got
court-mandated therapy.
448
00:20:10,784 --> 00:20:12,184
You must think I'm nuts.
449
00:20:12,184 --> 00:20:15,404
I think you're
a really good friend.
450
00:20:15,404 --> 00:20:17,039
Really?
451
00:20:17,039 --> 00:20:18,324
Really.
452
00:20:18,324 --> 00:20:20,576
As far as I'm concerned,
there was no criminal intent
453
00:20:20,576 --> 00:20:21,944
to this assault.
454
00:20:21,944 --> 00:20:24,080
Well, thanks, Doc!
455
00:20:25,265 --> 00:20:27,383
Well, look at us!
456
00:20:27,383 --> 00:20:29,251
We got this wrapped up
in one session.
457
00:20:29,251 --> 00:20:31,337
Go us, right?
458
00:20:31,337 --> 00:20:33,205
Now let's discuss how you
keyed the judge's car.
459
00:20:33,205 --> 00:20:35,141
Okay. Um...
460
00:20:35,141 --> 00:20:36,392
Here's how it happened:
461
00:20:36,392 --> 00:20:38,377
Marshall and Lily were supposed
to go to the zoo--
462
00:20:38,377 --> 00:20:41,263
okay, it all ties together,
I swear. Now...
31013
