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1
00:00:01,220 --> 00:00:04,265
Oh, God, guys, I'm
still really hungover.
2
00:00:04,269 --> 00:00:05,635
Did I really
ruin a wedding?
3
00:00:05,637 --> 00:00:08,004
No, you didn't ruin
a wedding.
4
00:00:08,006 --> 00:00:09,406
Just the reception.
5
00:00:09,408 --> 00:00:11,341
And the bar mitzvah next door.
6
00:00:11,343 --> 00:00:13,026
And my dress.
7
00:00:13,028 --> 00:00:15,278
And your dress. You put on
a dress at one point.
8
00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:17,614
Okay, you know what,
that's it.
9
00:00:17,616 --> 00:00:20,283
I'm about to be a dad,
and I want to be
10
00:00:20,285 --> 00:00:22,935
the kind of man that my
child can look up to.
11
00:00:22,937 --> 00:00:25,405
So, sweeping declaration--
12
00:00:25,407 --> 00:00:29,709
I am never getting drunk again
as long as I live.
13
00:00:29,711 --> 00:00:31,777
I'm serious.
14
00:00:31,779 --> 00:00:34,264
Kids, it's not that
your Uncle Marshall
15
00:00:34,266 --> 00:00:35,565
had a drinking problem.
16
00:00:35,567 --> 00:00:37,684
But whenever he made a sweeping
declaration like that,
17
00:00:37,686 --> 00:00:39,519
you pretty much knew...
18
00:00:41,121 --> 00:00:42,388
I did it again.
19
00:00:42,390 --> 00:00:44,674
But I'm getting ahead
of myself.
20
00:00:45,893 --> 00:00:47,844
What happened
to your leg?
21
00:00:47,846 --> 00:00:49,312
Oh, nothing.
22
00:00:49,314 --> 00:00:51,014
I'm meeting Nora
for coffee.
23
00:00:51,016 --> 00:00:53,433
She's still mad at me, so
I need some sympathy points.
24
00:00:53,435 --> 00:00:54,800
She likes musicals,
so I'm going
25
00:00:54,802 --> 00:00:56,302
to tell her I fell off the stage
26
00:00:56,304 --> 00:00:58,021
during a performance
of Man of La Mancha.
27
00:00:58,023 --> 00:00:59,138
What do you think?
28
00:00:59,140 --> 00:01:00,773
Lose the cast.
29
00:01:00,775 --> 00:01:03,409
A one-man show-- I like it!
30
00:01:03,411 --> 00:01:05,612
Just so we're clear--
31
00:01:05,614 --> 00:01:08,832
this woman is mad at you
because you lied to her.
32
00:01:08,834 --> 00:01:11,618
So your solution is to pretend
you broke your leg?
33
00:01:11,620 --> 00:01:13,703
You're right.
34
00:01:13,705 --> 00:01:15,872
A neck brace.
Thanks, Lil.
35
00:01:15,874 --> 00:01:18,174
Man, I wish I'd have talked
to you sooner.
36
00:01:18,176 --> 00:01:19,809
I've been practicing
with these crutches all day
37
00:01:19,811 --> 00:01:21,845
and whoever left them
in my lobby
38
00:01:21,847 --> 00:01:22,962
probably really
needs 'em.
39
00:01:22,964 --> 00:01:25,164
Well, uh, I have
some good news.
40
00:01:25,166 --> 00:01:28,551
As you all know, I recently
decided to get back out there
41
00:01:28,553 --> 00:01:31,454
and start dating again.
And, uh, well...
42
00:01:35,109 --> 00:01:37,126
Is this you?
43
00:01:37,128 --> 00:01:40,230
Uh, yeah. Hi.
44
00:01:40,232 --> 00:01:41,364
I'm Ted.
45
00:01:41,366 --> 00:01:42,632
- Hi.
- Hi.
46
00:01:42,634 --> 00:01:44,784
That's great, Ted.
47
00:01:44,786 --> 00:01:46,686
Yeah. Yeah, it was a moment
of pure destiny.
48
00:01:46,688 --> 00:01:49,155
The kind you just
can't manufacture.
49
00:01:49,157 --> 00:01:51,190
Or so I thought.
50
00:01:54,161 --> 00:01:57,196
Oh, no.
How did I get on there?
51
00:01:57,198 --> 00:01:59,148
Hi. Ted Mosby.
52
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,367
Guilty.
53
00:02:01,369 --> 00:02:03,169
Hi. Ted Mosby.
54
00:02:03,171 --> 00:02:04,921
That is embarrassing.
55
00:02:04,923 --> 00:02:09,142
I should be on the cover of
Egg On My Face magazine.
56
00:02:09,144 --> 00:02:10,343
But I'm not.
57
00:02:10,345 --> 00:02:12,478
I'm on the cover of this one.
58
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,631
Hi. Ted Mosby.
59
00:02:14,633 --> 00:02:16,649
16 moments of pure destiny
60
00:02:16,651 --> 00:02:19,352
in one day,
and of those 16,
61
00:02:19,354 --> 00:02:21,437
ten were single.
62
00:02:21,439 --> 00:02:24,607
Of those ten,
seven liked what they saw.
63
00:02:24,609 --> 00:02:26,259
Of those seven,
64
00:02:26,261 --> 00:02:28,227
four were women.
65
00:02:28,229 --> 00:02:30,580
Of those four,
66
00:02:30,582 --> 00:02:31,864
two gave me their real number.
67
00:02:31,866 --> 00:02:34,667
And I have a date
with both of them.
68
00:02:34,669 --> 00:02:36,452
Okay.
69
00:02:38,205 --> 00:02:39,505
Guys,
70
00:02:39,507 --> 00:02:41,140
it's Garrison Cootes.
71
00:02:41,142 --> 00:02:43,092
Kids, Garrison Cootes
was a senior partner
72
00:02:43,094 --> 00:02:44,744
at Honeywell & Cootes.
73
00:02:44,746 --> 00:02:46,296
One of the biggest
environmental law firms
74
00:02:46,298 --> 00:02:47,730
in America.
75
00:02:47,732 --> 00:02:49,799
Marshall would have given
anything to work there.
76
00:02:49,801 --> 00:02:52,135
If I don't get this job,
I might end up working
77
00:02:52,137 --> 00:02:53,353
at, like, a Taco Bell somewhere.
78
00:02:53,355 --> 00:02:54,854
And nobody wants that.
79
00:02:54,856 --> 00:02:57,540
Or maybe you guys want that,
because you'll get free tacos,
80
00:02:57,542 --> 00:02:58,891
'cause your my peeps.
81
00:02:58,893 --> 00:03:02,312
But right now I need
all of you to calm down!
82
00:03:03,598 --> 00:03:06,032
Hello.
83
00:03:06,034 --> 00:03:07,700
Marshall, this is
Garrison Cootes.
84
00:03:07,702 --> 00:03:09,535
Sorry I didn't get back
to you sooner,
85
00:03:09,537 --> 00:03:11,738
but I've just been swamped.
86
00:03:13,074 --> 00:03:15,775
Which is funny,
'cause I'm literally
87
00:03:15,777 --> 00:03:17,577
standing in a swamp.
88
00:03:19,414 --> 00:03:22,582
Anyway, I'm just out here,
I'm just collecting some samples
89
00:03:22,584 --> 00:03:24,784
for this pollution case
we're working on.
90
00:03:24,786 --> 00:03:26,753
I love the work you guys do.
That's a croc...
91
00:03:26,755 --> 00:03:27,805
No, I mean it.
92
00:03:27,830 --> 00:03:30,267
No, no, there's a crocodile
about five feet away from me.
93
00:03:30,392 --> 00:03:31,808
So I'm just going to ignore
94
00:03:31,810 --> 00:03:34,060
the hot urine filling
my waders as we speak,
95
00:03:34,062 --> 00:03:36,462
and tell you that
we're very interested.
96
00:03:36,464 --> 00:03:37,463
He's interested.
97
00:03:37,465 --> 00:03:39,148
Obviously we have
to do some sort
98
00:03:39,150 --> 00:03:41,434
of credit check, you know,
a criminal record
99
00:03:41,436 --> 00:03:44,070
and Google search, but as long
as nothing unseemly turns up,
100
00:03:44,072 --> 00:03:45,438
you're good to go, man.
101
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:47,357
That is fantastic, Mr. Cootes!
102
00:03:47,359 --> 00:03:48,741
Well, I gotta run.
103
00:03:50,412 --> 00:03:51,944
This is so funny,
104
00:03:51,946 --> 00:03:55,748
because, actually, I physically
have to run now.
105
00:03:55,750 --> 00:03:58,998
- Croc saw you?
- He's advancing, yeah.
106
00:03:59,092 --> 00:04:03,092
How I Met Your Mother 7x02
The Naked Truth
Original Air Date on September 19, 2011
107
00:04:03,117 --> 00:04:07,117
== ReSync by jacobian ==
== for 720p Web-DL @ hdbits.org ==
108
00:04:12,099 --> 00:04:14,634
The next night,
Barney met Nora for coffee.
109
00:04:14,636 --> 00:04:17,070
Thankfully, without
the ridiculous leg cast.
110
00:04:17,072 --> 00:04:20,106
Hey, Nora, thanks
for meeting me here.
111
00:04:20,108 --> 00:04:21,257
What happened to your neck?
112
00:04:21,259 --> 00:04:23,676
My wha...? Oh, it's nothing.
113
00:04:23,678 --> 00:04:27,012
I was performing in
a one-man show of Fiddler.
114
00:04:27,014 --> 00:04:28,781
There was this roof.
115
00:04:28,783 --> 00:04:31,000
Wow, that one has
fantastic ta-tas.
116
00:04:31,002 --> 00:04:32,151
What, where?
117
00:04:32,153 --> 00:04:33,369
Oh... Oh, damn it.
118
00:04:33,371 --> 00:04:34,504
Ta-ta.
119
00:04:34,506 --> 00:04:36,689
Wait, Nora, wait...
No, look, please don't.
120
00:04:36,691 --> 00:04:37,690
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
121
00:04:37,692 --> 00:04:39,092
What is the matter with you?
122
00:04:39,094 --> 00:04:41,127
What kind of person
needs to lie like that.
123
00:04:41,129 --> 00:04:43,863
A person who really,
really likes you.
124
00:04:43,865 --> 00:04:46,132
And suspects,
probably accurately,
125
00:04:46,134 --> 00:04:47,717
that you're way
out of his league,
126
00:04:47,719 --> 00:04:49,969
and so he feels the need to...
127
00:04:51,588 --> 00:04:53,172
I'm sorry, you were kidding
128
00:04:53,174 --> 00:04:54,557
about the fantastic
ta-tas, right?
129
00:04:54,559 --> 00:04:55,697
'Cause I'm looking around
and I do not see 'em...
130
00:04:58,763 --> 00:05:00,563
I just had two
back-to-back dates.
131
00:05:00,565 --> 00:05:03,232
That's right,
two lovely ladies,
132
00:05:03,234 --> 00:05:07,236
four large cappuccinos,
and... one sec.
133
00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:11,407
And I don't know which
date was more awesome.
134
00:05:11,409 --> 00:05:13,076
Let's meet the girls.
135
00:05:13,078 --> 00:05:15,361
Jessica is a Rhodes scholar.
136
00:05:15,363 --> 00:05:16,896
She's traveled
all over the world.
137
00:05:16,898 --> 00:05:19,565
Speaks four languages,
is a concert pianist.
138
00:05:19,567 --> 00:05:23,352
And Claire reached
for the check.
139
00:05:23,354 --> 00:05:24,470
So I don't know.
140
00:05:24,472 --> 00:05:25,805
It's a squeaker.
141
00:05:25,807 --> 00:05:27,073
I mean, both
of these girls
142
00:05:27,075 --> 00:05:29,926
have the potential to be
something really special.
143
00:05:29,928 --> 00:05:31,880
They both move
on to the next round.
144
00:05:31,898 --> 00:05:32,863
Wait a minute.
145
00:05:32,964 --> 00:05:34,881
You're going to date
two girls at once?
146
00:05:34,883 --> 00:05:36,632
Don't you think you should
just choose one
147
00:05:36,634 --> 00:05:37,767
before it gets serious?
148
00:05:37,769 --> 00:05:38,851
Define serious.
149
00:05:38,853 --> 00:05:40,586
Well, that's complicated.
150
00:05:40,588 --> 00:05:42,972
I guess you have to weigh
expectations,
151
00:05:42,974 --> 00:05:44,223
emotional investments...
152
00:05:44,225 --> 00:05:45,491
Third base.
153
00:05:45,493 --> 00:05:46,893
Seriously, third base.
154
00:05:46,895 --> 00:05:49,362
So I can go to second base with
both of these girls, no problem?
155
00:05:49,364 --> 00:05:51,581
Oh, honk away, my friend.
Yeah, honk away.
156
00:05:52,265 --> 00:05:53,816
Oh, no.
157
00:05:53,818 --> 00:05:56,018
Ever since Mr. Cootes mentioned
the background check,
158
00:05:56,020 --> 00:05:58,087
Marshall had been
scouring the Internet.
159
00:05:58,089 --> 00:06:00,540
Most of what he found
was pretty harmless.
160
00:06:00,542 --> 00:06:03,776
In some cases,
really awesome, until...
161
00:06:03,778 --> 00:06:04,911
Not good.
162
00:06:04,913 --> 00:06:07,413
This-- this is not good.
163
00:06:08,281 --> 00:06:09,882
Thanks, Stacy.
164
00:06:09,884 --> 00:06:12,135
Wesleyan has a new cafeteria,
165
00:06:12,137 --> 00:06:14,086
thanks to the generous
endowment from--
166
00:06:14,088 --> 00:06:15,471
Oh, ho-ho!
167
00:06:15,473 --> 00:06:18,674
Did somebody say
generous endowment?
168
00:06:18,676 --> 00:06:25,314
I'm Marshall Eriksen, but you
can call me Beercules!
169
00:06:32,656 --> 00:06:35,140
Well, that could
be anybody.
170
00:06:40,805 --> 00:06:43,684
Oh, man, I forgot
about Beercules.
171
00:06:44,289 --> 00:06:46,122
Who made this
Web site anyway?
172
00:06:46,124 --> 00:06:48,567
- Pete Durkenson.
- Of course.
173
00:06:48,568 --> 00:06:51,712
Is that the guy who convinced
you to run across campus naked?
174
00:06:51,713 --> 00:06:53,630
I was pledging his frat,
175
00:06:53,632 --> 00:06:55,715
which I gave up on
after three days,
176
00:06:55,717 --> 00:06:58,201
because frats are stupid
and elitist
177
00:06:58,203 --> 00:07:00,703
and also I found out
he wasn't in a frat.
178
00:07:00,705 --> 00:07:02,755
Oh, my God.
179
00:07:02,757 --> 00:07:04,057
This is awesome.
180
00:07:04,059 --> 00:07:06,776
I just got invited
to the Architects' Ball,
181
00:07:06,778 --> 00:07:10,229
the annual gala that honors
the city's greatest architects.
182
00:07:10,231 --> 00:07:13,399
Oh, no, you guys see
why this sucks, right?
183
00:07:13,401 --> 00:07:15,068
Because it's an annual gala
184
00:07:15,070 --> 00:07:16,653
honoring the city's
greatest architects?
185
00:07:16,655 --> 00:07:20,373
Robin, this is the social event
of the year.
186
00:07:20,375 --> 00:07:22,742
You take a girl
to the Architects' Ball,
187
00:07:22,744 --> 00:07:25,111
brother, you're going
to third base.
188
00:07:25,113 --> 00:07:26,412
Whichever girl
189
00:07:26,414 --> 00:07:27,914
I take as my date,
190
00:07:27,916 --> 00:07:30,833
she will be
Miss Ted Mosby's girlfriend
191
00:07:30,835 --> 00:07:32,402
by the end of the night.
192
00:07:33,537 --> 00:07:35,421
Okay, no more sitting
on the fence.
193
00:07:35,423 --> 00:07:37,590
Robin, get me my legal pad.
194
00:07:37,592 --> 00:07:39,592
It's pros and cons time!
195
00:07:41,062 --> 00:07:44,197
And kids, they really cheered.
196
00:07:44,199 --> 00:07:46,482
Let me make one thing
very clear to you.
197
00:07:46,484 --> 00:07:49,452
I don't date guys who lie to me.
198
00:07:49,454 --> 00:07:51,654
Well, see, I did not
know that.
199
00:07:51,656 --> 00:07:52,805
My bad.
200
00:07:52,807 --> 00:07:54,774
So, from here on in,
no more lies.
201
00:07:54,776 --> 00:07:57,677
I will never lie
to you again.
202
00:07:58,512 --> 00:08:00,113
I'm serious. Ask me anything.
203
00:08:00,115 --> 00:08:02,548
Okay.
204
00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:03,616
Have you ever successfully
205
00:08:03,618 --> 00:08:06,002
gotten a woman in bed
by lying to her?
206
00:08:06,004 --> 00:08:08,621
Have I ever...
207
00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:15,211
If I'm being totally honest...
208
00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:18,715
Yes.
209
00:08:18,717 --> 00:08:20,633
More than once?
210
00:08:20,635 --> 00:08:22,969
More than once...
211
00:08:22,971 --> 00:08:25,054
Wow, that's...
212
00:08:27,025 --> 00:08:30,059
I guess if we're
splitting hairs,
213
00:08:30,061 --> 00:08:33,896
then, technically...
there was a plurality
214
00:08:33,898 --> 00:08:38,201
to the times I've lied to women
for sex having purposes.
215
00:08:38,203 --> 00:08:39,419
What were they?
216
00:08:39,421 --> 00:08:41,421
Nines and tens mostly.
217
00:08:41,423 --> 00:08:43,072
There was a four once.
218
00:08:43,074 --> 00:08:44,457
She was a slump buster.
219
00:08:44,459 --> 00:08:48,077
But, Nora, after that, I had a
run that you would not believe.
220
00:08:48,079 --> 00:08:50,546
Man, honesty feels good.
221
00:08:50,548 --> 00:08:52,231
What were the lies?
222
00:08:52,233 --> 00:08:54,834
You want me to tell you every
lie I've ever told a woman
223
00:08:54,836 --> 00:08:56,002
to get her into bed?
224
00:08:56,004 --> 00:08:58,721
A bed or any other place
you had sex with her.
225
00:08:58,723 --> 00:08:59,956
Oh, you're good.
226
00:09:01,126 --> 00:09:03,309
Pete, Pete. Hey.
227
00:09:03,311 --> 00:09:05,428
Beercules!
228
00:09:05,430 --> 00:09:06,712
Bring it in, dude.
229
00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:08,848
Hey, I've been
trying to call you,
230
00:09:08,850 --> 00:09:10,216
like, all night.
231
00:09:10,218 --> 00:09:11,484
Oh, my God, sorry.
232
00:09:11,486 --> 00:09:13,486
I would have answered,
but it is Tuesday night.
233
00:09:13,488 --> 00:09:14,320
It's Sunday.
234
00:09:14,322 --> 00:09:16,105
And you know what that means.
235
00:09:16,107 --> 00:09:18,191
"Edward Forty Hands."
236
00:09:18,193 --> 00:09:20,259
Kids, "Edward Forty Hands"
237
00:09:20,261 --> 00:09:22,729
is a game that involves taping
two 40-ounce bottles
238
00:09:22,731 --> 00:09:25,064
of malt liquor to your hands.
239
00:09:25,066 --> 00:09:26,799
The object is to finish
both bottle--
240
00:09:26,801 --> 00:09:28,701
Oh, my God, why am
I telling you this?
241
00:09:28,703 --> 00:09:29,869
Let's move on.
242
00:09:29,871 --> 00:09:33,405
Okay, you know that old video
of me streaking?
243
00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:35,574
I watch it every day.
244
00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:38,428
Well, I need you to take it down
off the Internet.
245
00:09:38,430 --> 00:09:39,846
Like, right now.
246
00:09:39,848 --> 00:09:41,580
There are two ways
that can happen.
247
00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:43,716
One, you can give me
$4 million,
248
00:09:43,718 --> 00:09:46,936
or... you can help me
go to the bathroom,
249
00:09:46,938 --> 00:09:48,438
because I... I can't...
250
00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:52,308
Yeah, those are two
non-negotiable no's.
251
00:09:52,310 --> 00:09:54,277
Well, I'm sorry we could not
do business together.
252
00:09:54,279 --> 00:09:55,561
But if you'll excuse me,
253
00:09:55,563 --> 00:09:57,947
I'm in the middle of a game
of "Edward Forty Hands,"
254
00:09:57,949 --> 00:10:00,032
and the competition is fierce.
255
00:10:00,034 --> 00:10:02,768
Who are you
playing with, anyway?
256
00:10:02,770 --> 00:10:05,938
Just myself.
257
00:10:05,940 --> 00:10:08,541
Meanwhile, Barney continued
listing every lie
258
00:10:08,543 --> 00:10:09,792
he'd ever told to get laid.
259
00:10:09,794 --> 00:10:12,228
There's no time to explain
how I got bit there.
260
00:10:12,230 --> 00:10:14,363
I just need someone
to suck the poison out.
261
00:10:14,365 --> 00:10:16,532
The surgeons gave me a new face,
262
00:10:16,534 --> 00:10:17,550
honey.
263
00:10:17,552 --> 00:10:19,185
Aren't you relieved I'm alive?
264
00:10:19,187 --> 00:10:21,921
Me llamo David Beckham.
265
00:10:21,923 --> 00:10:24,707
If I were
only casting The White Swan
266
00:10:24,709 --> 00:10:26,008
the role would be yours.
267
00:10:26,010 --> 00:10:28,211
No, I am a lesbian.
268
00:10:28,213 --> 00:10:31,114
This thing that I'm wearing
is just really lifelike.
269
00:10:31,116 --> 00:10:32,849
Okay, let's skip ahead.
270
00:10:32,851 --> 00:10:33,983
What's the worst one?
271
00:10:33,985 --> 00:10:35,268
The lowest of the low?
272
00:10:35,270 --> 00:10:36,686
The creme de la creepy?
273
00:10:36,688 --> 00:10:40,490
Uh... Oh, I once pulled
The Soul Man.
274
00:10:40,492 --> 00:10:43,826
There was this beautiful girl
who only dated black guys...
275
00:10:43,828 --> 00:10:47,630
Barnell!
Ooh, I knew it!
276
00:10:49,500 --> 00:10:51,834
I can't decide.
277
00:10:51,836 --> 00:10:53,336
They're both awesome.
278
00:10:53,338 --> 00:10:56,139
If only architects had
two balls, right, Ted?
279
00:10:56,141 --> 00:10:58,007
I got this.
280
00:10:58,009 --> 00:10:59,509
Ted, left or right?
281
00:10:59,511 --> 00:11:00,826
Yes, yes, great idea.
282
00:11:00,828 --> 00:11:02,461
Let the fates decide, huh?
283
00:11:02,463 --> 00:11:04,614
I will pick left.
284
00:11:04,616 --> 00:11:05,798
Just call one of 'em.
285
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:06,799
Ugh!
286
00:11:06,801 --> 00:11:08,134
Ted, deep in your heart,
287
00:11:08,136 --> 00:11:10,436
you know that you
kind of like one
288
00:11:10,438 --> 00:11:11,304
more than the other.
289
00:11:11,306 --> 00:11:12,805
Trust me-- take the other.
290
00:11:12,807 --> 00:11:15,808
Um, maybe I haven't
this is...
291
00:11:15,810 --> 00:11:18,177
the Architects'
Ball, Robin.
292
00:11:18,179 --> 00:11:19,278
It's a star-studded event.
293
00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:21,513
Okay, name one celebrity
who's gonna be there.
294
00:11:21,515 --> 00:11:22,848
Uh... Lenny Kravitz.
295
00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,300
Lenny Kravitz is gonna be there?
296
00:11:24,302 --> 00:11:25,735
Yeah.
He's there every year.
297
00:11:25,737 --> 00:11:26,953
And that guy's a rock star.
298
00:11:26,955 --> 00:11:30,206
You know, Ted,
I've been thinking--
299
00:11:30,208 --> 00:11:33,376
it's too soon to narrow it down
between these two girls.
300
00:11:33,378 --> 00:11:34,493
Just take a friend.
301
00:11:34,495 --> 00:11:37,330
Like I... I don't know,
maybe, uh, a friend
302
00:11:37,332 --> 00:11:40,499
who had a poster of
Lenny Kravitz on her wall,
303
00:11:40,501 --> 00:11:43,219
and may or may not
have, perhaps,
304
00:11:43,221 --> 00:11:46,155
dated that poster, on and off,
throughout high school.
305
00:11:47,224 --> 00:11:49,875
This pros and cons list
isn't cutting it.
306
00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:53,212
I need a color chart.
307
00:11:54,181 --> 00:11:55,431
Color chart! Color chart!
308
00:11:55,433 --> 00:11:58,834
And, kids,
we all really chanted.
309
00:11:58,836 --> 00:11:59,852
Pete, please.
310
00:11:59,854 --> 00:12:01,654
I'm unemployed.
311
00:12:01,656 --> 00:12:02,939
I have a huge mortgage.
312
00:12:02,941 --> 00:12:04,440
I have a baby on the way.
313
00:12:04,442 --> 00:12:07,193
And now, I'm about
to lose a job I really need
314
00:12:07,195 --> 00:12:09,078
because of a 15-year-old prank!
315
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:10,613
Ugh! Do you hear yourself?
316
00:12:10,615 --> 00:12:12,081
Beercules, what happened?
317
00:12:12,083 --> 00:12:13,316
You're like a different person.
318
00:12:14,284 --> 00:12:16,168
The guy in that video
was awesome.
319
00:12:16,170 --> 00:12:18,754
He had potential.
320
00:12:18,756 --> 00:12:21,040
He could have been president of
the frat one day.
321
00:12:21,042 --> 00:12:22,708
There was no frat!
322
00:12:22,710 --> 00:12:23,876
Now he's just a bummer.
323
00:12:23,878 --> 00:12:26,078
It's not like I want
to be a bummer.
324
00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:28,598
I just... I have to be.
325
00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:30,082
I'm gonna be a dad.
326
00:12:30,084 --> 00:12:31,350
You'll have kids someday.
327
00:12:31,352 --> 00:12:32,468
You'll understand.
328
00:12:32,470 --> 00:12:35,087
Dude, I have four kids.
329
00:12:35,089 --> 00:12:38,257
Pete, please take
the video down.
330
00:12:39,276 --> 00:12:41,277
All right, Beercules,
I'll take the video down.
331
00:12:41,279 --> 00:12:42,728
If...
332
00:12:42,730 --> 00:12:45,815
you can best me in
a game of my own choosing.
333
00:12:45,817 --> 00:12:47,066
Oh, no...
334
00:12:47,068 --> 00:12:49,535
And I select the beautiful game,
335
00:12:49,537 --> 00:12:50,769
the sweet science...
336
00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:52,571
Pete, please,
I'm so hungover...
337
00:12:52,573 --> 00:12:53,656
...the sport of kings...
338
00:12:53,658 --> 00:12:55,625
I don't want to play
"Edward Forty Hands."
339
00:12:55,627 --> 00:12:56,775
I was gonna say darts--
340
00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:59,578
but "Edward Forty
Hands" it is!
341
00:12:59,580 --> 00:13:02,381
And that concludes all
the space-related lies.
342
00:13:02,383 --> 00:13:05,084
Let's move on to
the world of sports.
343
00:13:05,086 --> 00:13:08,054
Oh, wait, sorry-- I just thought
of another space one.
344
00:13:08,056 --> 00:13:10,389
"I've been bitten
by a moon snake.
345
00:13:10,391 --> 00:13:12,958
You need to suck all the
space poison out of my--"
346
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,644
Okay, Barney, uh,
347
00:13:14,646 --> 00:13:16,178
I have to be at work
tomorrow at 8:00,
348
00:13:16,180 --> 00:13:17,847
which means I have
just about enough time
349
00:13:17,849 --> 00:13:20,249
to sit in a shower for 11 hours,
hugging myself.
350
00:13:22,586 --> 00:13:23,736
So this was fun.
351
00:13:23,738 --> 00:13:24,954
Can I call you, or...?
352
00:13:24,956 --> 00:13:28,107
Barney, you're funny, handsome
353
00:13:28,109 --> 00:13:29,775
and really quite clever.
354
00:13:29,777 --> 00:13:31,944
But you're also a sociopath.
355
00:13:31,946 --> 00:13:33,846
Well, I count three pros
and one con, so...
356
00:13:33,848 --> 00:13:36,332
How do you still think
you have a chance with me?
357
00:13:36,334 --> 00:13:38,668
Because you sat
here all night.
358
00:13:38,670 --> 00:13:40,820
You could've left right
away, but you didn't.
359
00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:46,258
Look, Nora, all those lies--
that's the old me.
360
00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:49,061
But I swear to you,
I am trying to change.
361
00:13:49,063 --> 00:13:52,965
You... make me want to change.
362
00:13:52,967 --> 00:13:55,851
How do I know that's not a lie?
363
00:13:55,853 --> 00:13:57,570
I'll prove it.
364
00:13:57,572 --> 00:13:59,438
I will prove how serious I am.
365
00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:02,174
I will not leave this diner
366
00:14:02,176 --> 00:14:05,378
until I get
a second date with you.
367
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:07,697
Good-bye, Barney.
368
00:14:08,148 --> 00:14:09,532
I'm not kidding.
369
00:14:09,534 --> 00:14:10,983
This is a 24-hour diner.
370
00:14:10,985 --> 00:14:14,620
I'll stay here forever,
if I have to-- and I will!
371
00:14:16,490 --> 00:14:18,190
Just water for me. Thanks.
372
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:23,496
Okay, so red indicates
level of attractiveness,
373
00:14:23,498 --> 00:14:25,965
blue--
intellectual stimulation,
374
00:14:25,967 --> 00:14:27,550
green-- emotional connection,
375
00:14:27,552 --> 00:14:30,202
yellow-- compatibility
of life goals,
376
00:14:30,204 --> 00:14:33,705
and purple-- whether or not
she reached for the check.
377
00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:36,142
Well, it looks like
Jessica's ahead
378
00:14:36,144 --> 00:14:38,210
in the first
four categories.
379
00:14:39,380 --> 00:14:42,915
Did not reach for the check...
380
00:14:45,352 --> 00:14:46,552
Oh, this?
381
00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:49,221
No big deal. This...
382
00:14:49,223 --> 00:14:50,856
This cost three
months rent,
383
00:14:50,858 --> 00:14:52,525
and, uh, I've never
gotten to wear it,
384
00:14:52,527 --> 00:14:55,361
because I bought it for that big
event that you invited me to,
385
00:14:55,363 --> 00:14:56,895
which then fell through.
386
00:14:56,897 --> 00:14:58,330
But, you know what?
387
00:14:58,332 --> 00:14:59,949
Don't feel guilty about that.
388
00:14:59,951 --> 00:15:00,916
What big event?
389
00:15:00,918 --> 00:15:02,067
That thing with your uncle.
390
00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:03,853
His funeral?
391
00:15:04,588 --> 00:15:05,704
It didn't fall through,
392
00:15:05,706 --> 00:15:07,206
he miraculously
came out of a coma.
393
00:15:07,208 --> 00:15:09,008
And I forgive you.
394
00:15:09,010 --> 00:15:11,594
Now, can I please
meet Lenny Kravitz?
395
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,382
I did it again!
396
00:15:16,384 --> 00:15:18,300
Aw, honey.
397
00:15:18,302 --> 00:15:19,585
You got drunk again.
398
00:15:19,587 --> 00:15:22,221
I can't believe
I took the over.
399
00:15:22,223 --> 00:15:26,692
Just to be clear, "I did it
again" is not a reference...
400
00:15:26,694 --> 00:15:29,261
to my current state of
inebriation.
401
00:15:29,263 --> 00:15:31,430
What's it a reference to?
402
00:15:31,432 --> 00:15:33,399
My name is Marshall Eriksen.
403
00:15:33,401 --> 00:15:35,384
I'm 33 years old.
404
00:15:35,386 --> 00:15:40,456
And if my potential future
employer, Garrison Cootes,
405
00:15:40,458 --> 00:15:42,941
is watching this...
406
00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:45,628
bow down to Beercules!
407
00:15:52,586 --> 00:15:54,420
Well, that could
be anybody.
408
00:16:01,362 --> 00:16:02,694
Oh, goodness.
409
00:16:10,076 --> 00:16:11,985
Pete, this is Lily Aldrin.
410
00:16:11,986 --> 00:16:13,719
I'm gonna make this real simple:
411
00:16:13,721 --> 00:16:15,571
You're gonna take down
that video of Marshall.
412
00:16:15,573 --> 00:16:16,972
You know why?
413
00:16:16,974 --> 00:16:20,025
Because I'm friends with three
girls who dated you in college,
414
00:16:20,027 --> 00:16:22,527
and girls
tell each other everything.
415
00:16:22,529 --> 00:16:25,214
Every tiny detail.
416
00:16:25,216 --> 00:16:26,532
Huh. So...
417
00:16:26,534 --> 00:16:31,887
tick-tock, Pete-- tick-tock goes
the little wee-wee clock.
418
00:16:32,756 --> 00:16:33,872
Pete's got a little wee-wee?
419
00:16:33,874 --> 00:16:35,591
No idea.
What's everyone getting?
420
00:16:35,593 --> 00:16:38,761
This was bound to
happen eventually.
421
00:16:38,763 --> 00:16:41,730
I've been trying so hard
to suppress, like,
422
00:16:41,732 --> 00:16:43,382
my carefree idiot side,
423
00:16:43,384 --> 00:16:47,219
that it just rebelled
and came out swingin'!
424
00:16:47,221 --> 00:16:48,387
It sure did.
425
00:16:48,389 --> 00:16:50,773
Look at me! I'm a windmill!
426
00:16:50,775 --> 00:16:53,943
Who am I kidding?
I'm not ready to be a dad.
427
00:16:53,945 --> 00:16:56,779
I thought that I was,
but it's, like...
428
00:16:56,781 --> 00:16:59,915
my dad never did stuff
like that, you know?
429
00:16:59,917 --> 00:17:01,400
So what if he did?
430
00:17:01,402 --> 00:17:03,285
You'd still love him.
431
00:17:03,287 --> 00:17:06,922
And be honest-- wouldn't you
love to stumble onto a video
432
00:17:06,924 --> 00:17:09,441
of him running down
the street naked, yelling,
433
00:17:09,443 --> 00:17:11,176
"Hey, Marshall, look at me!
434
00:17:11,178 --> 00:17:13,696
I got an icicle on my deal!"
435
00:17:17,935 --> 00:17:19,218
Oh! Hey, guys!
436
00:17:19,220 --> 00:17:20,919
Ow! My neck!
437
00:17:20,921 --> 00:17:23,389
Uh... oh! Hey!
438
00:17:23,391 --> 00:17:24,807
Look at that.
439
00:17:24,809 --> 00:17:27,426
Barney, what are
you doing here?
440
00:17:27,428 --> 00:17:30,529
Oh, I told Nora I wouldn't leave
until she gave me a second date,
441
00:17:30,531 --> 00:17:31,814
and I mean it.
442
00:17:31,816 --> 00:17:33,265
I've already been here
nine hours.
443
00:17:33,267 --> 00:17:36,035
I still need
another minute.
444
00:17:36,037 --> 00:17:39,288
I mean... call me crazy, but
445
00:17:39,290 --> 00:17:41,890
I'm gonna stay here until
I get that girl back.
446
00:17:44,610 --> 00:17:47,796
That-- that's
what I want.
447
00:17:48,715 --> 00:17:50,299
The way Barney
feels about Nora--
448
00:17:50,301 --> 00:17:51,950
I want that feeling again.
449
00:17:52,952 --> 00:17:54,837
I don't want to be choosing
between two girls,
450
00:17:54,839 --> 00:17:59,641
I want to be... a complete
head-over-heels idiot for one.
451
00:17:59,643 --> 00:18:01,727
Yeah, the complete
head-over-heels idiot thing's
452
00:18:01,729 --> 00:18:03,896
pretty nice.
453
00:18:04,981 --> 00:18:06,315
It's not bad.
454
00:18:06,317 --> 00:18:09,101
Although, for the record--
455
00:18:09,103 --> 00:18:12,571
sweeping declaration!--
456
00:18:12,573 --> 00:18:17,493
I am never getting
drunk again.
457
00:18:18,412 --> 00:18:20,429
And sure enough...
458
00:18:20,431 --> 00:18:22,331
All hail Beercules!
459
00:18:23,718 --> 00:18:25,017
Yeah!
460
00:18:25,019 --> 00:18:27,703
But, again,
I'm getting ahead of myself.
461
00:18:36,846 --> 00:18:38,013
Hello.
462
00:18:38,015 --> 00:18:40,165
Marshall! Garrison Cootes.
463
00:18:40,167 --> 00:18:41,333
Yes, Mr. Cootes.
464
00:18:41,335 --> 00:18:42,651
Hi. How are you?
465
00:18:42,653 --> 00:18:44,603
I just wanted to let you know,
we did the background check,
466
00:18:44,605 --> 00:18:47,306
and that is
some disturbing streaking.
467
00:18:47,308 --> 00:18:49,108
Sir, th-th-the thing is, um...
468
00:18:49,110 --> 00:18:51,176
The rainbow streaking
in this sample
469
00:18:51,178 --> 00:18:53,028
is definitely
from chemical runoff.
470
00:18:53,030 --> 00:18:55,180
Oh, I...
471
00:18:55,182 --> 00:18:58,183
Bottom line-- we'd love to have
you on board.
472
00:18:58,185 --> 00:18:59,201
That is fantastic!
473
00:18:59,203 --> 00:19:01,353
Thank you, Mr. Cootes!
474
00:19:01,355 --> 00:19:02,354
Well, you're welcome.
475
00:19:02,356 --> 00:19:04,156
And-- oh, and when
you're at the office,
476
00:19:04,158 --> 00:19:06,408
try to wear some clothes,
okay, Beercules?
477
00:19:08,746 --> 00:19:10,045
Wow! That's a big snake.
478
00:19:10,047 --> 00:19:11,213
Oh, there's
a snake in the swamp?
479
00:19:11,215 --> 00:19:12,664
No, I'm talking about
your penis.
480
00:19:12,666 --> 00:19:13,982
See you tomorrow.
481
00:19:15,535 --> 00:19:16,418
I got the job.
482
00:19:16,420 --> 00:19:17,869
Yay!
483
00:19:17,871 --> 00:19:20,305
And I think that my boss
already sexually harassed me.
484
00:19:20,307 --> 00:19:22,891
But he saw the video
and he doesn't care!
485
00:19:22,893 --> 00:19:25,811
See that? Maybe Beercules
isn't so bad after all.
486
00:19:25,813 --> 00:19:26,762
Yeah.
487
00:19:28,149 --> 00:19:29,214
Hello?
488
00:19:29,216 --> 00:19:31,733
Hey, Marshall,
my name is Pete Durkenson.
489
00:19:31,735 --> 00:19:33,152
We went to Wesleyan together.
490
00:19:33,154 --> 00:19:34,403
Yeah, no, I know.
491
00:19:34,405 --> 00:19:36,605
Pete, we... we just
hung out yesterday.
492
00:19:36,607 --> 00:19:38,824
All right, now Lily's message
makes a little more sense.
493
00:19:38,826 --> 00:19:41,360
Listen, don't worry, bro,
I'm gonna take down the video.
494
00:19:41,362 --> 00:19:42,578
You know what?
495
00:19:42,580 --> 00:19:44,062
Leave it up.
496
00:19:44,064 --> 00:19:45,831
Whatever you say, Beercules.
497
00:19:48,785 --> 00:19:50,702
Scalpel.
498
00:19:50,704 --> 00:19:52,921
You know what?
This is good.
499
00:19:52,923 --> 00:19:55,340
I want our kid to see
every side of who I am.
500
00:19:55,342 --> 00:19:56,592
Yeah.
501
00:19:56,594 --> 00:19:58,076
Even the side that runs through
502
00:19:58,078 --> 00:20:00,195
the East Village hangin' brain.
503
00:20:01,764 --> 00:20:03,132
I'm gonna call Pete back.
504
00:20:03,134 --> 00:20:04,550
That's a good idea.
505
00:20:04,552 --> 00:20:07,752
That evening, I took
Robin to the Architects' Ball.
506
00:20:07,754 --> 00:20:09,438
Thanks again for
taking me to this.
507
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:10,472
Mm. My pleasure.
508
00:20:10,474 --> 00:20:11,773
And, you know, you might
find it interesting.
509
00:20:11,775 --> 00:20:13,892
Some of these guys represent the
living history of New York--
510
00:20:13,894 --> 00:20:15,260
Yeah, yeah.
Where's Lenny Kravitz?
511
00:20:15,262 --> 00:20:16,928
Right there.
512
00:20:16,930 --> 00:20:20,782
Leonard Kravitz,
world-renowned architect.
513
00:20:20,784 --> 00:20:23,035
Guy's a rock star.
514
00:20:23,037 --> 00:20:24,653
He's gonna be
giving his famous
515
00:20:24,655 --> 00:20:26,038
90-minute lecture
on crossbeams.
516
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:27,539
Well, great.
517
00:20:27,541 --> 00:20:29,825
I'm gonna go find one
and hang myself from it.
518
00:20:29,827 --> 00:20:31,243
Okay.
519
00:20:31,245 --> 00:20:34,129
Kids, you can't talk
yourself into falling in love.
520
00:20:34,131 --> 00:20:36,948
It doesn't take days
of deliberation.
521
00:20:36,950 --> 00:20:40,502
When it's real,
you know pretty quickly,
522
00:20:40,504 --> 00:20:43,788
and with absolute certainty.
523
00:20:45,058 --> 00:20:47,626
I had forgotten that.
524
00:20:47,628 --> 00:20:49,978
But I was about to be reminded.
34846
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