Original subtitles

♪ If you're looking for me ♪

Greetings, America.

I am Killface.

Don't bother flicking your infernal remotes.

I've taken over your airwaves.

Now, I trust you're all comfy on your tacky sofas from "Rooms To Go"?

Lots of nibbles close at hand?

Well, tuck in,

and why not smoke between gobbles?

Yes, go for the gusto, America.

Live like there's no tomorrow,

because as far as you squalid lot are concerned,

there very much isn't.

Behold the instrument of your doom.

I call it the "Annihilatrix,"

and when it is completed,

a million gigatons of thrust

will propel the Earth directly into the sun.

So look upon my works, ye mighty and despair.

Ahem.

Um--

BRENT: What? TRENT: What?

Shall we do it again?

BRENT: It's fine.

It's fine, OK? It's fine.

KILLFACE: Thank you.

14 takes is plenty, believe me. That's a lot.

I went a little off the page with that last line there.

Yeah, no, we picked up on that.

Is that cool?

BRENT & TRENT: Yes, it's fine.

Ozymandias just felt right, you know?

- Uh-huh. Did it. - Oh, God.

- What? - You don't think it's copyrighted?

What?

- The Shelley. - Who?

Ozymandias, the poem by Shelley.

Who? That receptionist chick?

Depends when she wrote it.

Shelley was a man, you philistine.

- It's fine. - KILLFACE: Cheesy crust,

where on earth did you go to school?

USC Film School.

Maybe you heard of it?

[Sigh]

And we're happy with this background?

Yes, we're happy with it, OK?

- It's not too-- - BRENT & TRENT: No.

Leno-y?

If you want to be Leno-y, we could have you come down here

and you can do high-fives.

TRENT: We can put a wig with a gray streak in your face!

We can have you read off cue cards!

We'll put Kevin Eubanks over there on guitar!

I shouldn't have said that.

Aah!

- That's my twin brother!

I want it to be perfect.

Iitis. It is. Seriously, man, it's really awesome.

- You're awesome. - Val?

Uh--

Well, if Val's happy, I'm happy,

so theme song and let's run it.

Oh, we need a theme song.

BRENT: OK, um...

♪ Entertainment tonight ♪

'Dadadadun?

- BRENT: Uh... - What?

- You mean, run it where? - KILLFACE: What do you mean, where?

On what thing would we have it to run?

I want this in every single television in the world.

OK, well, do you have $20 b--billion?

Yes, Brent, as a matter of fact, I do.

Would you care to see it?

KILLFACE: There's your 20 billion, Brent.

Drink it in.

The fusion chamber alone cost 9 billion,

the thruster's another 4.

You think there's just heaps of money left over

for--what did you call it?

Uh...media buy.

- Media buy. - VALERIE: Please don't kill us.

Please don't make it so appealing.

What do you want us to do, man?

Well, why don't we ask good old Trent?

Please don't do that. Let's not. Let's not. Oh, God!

Ladies and gentlemen, Trent.

Hey, how you doing? Good to be here.

Oh, dude, put him down!

So, uh, heard you went to the--

went to the doctor

and he had a bit of bad news for you, is that right?

Yeah. Turns out I have termites.

[Valerie crying]

TRENT: You're losing them, boss.

Well, I hope you can still sing a song while I drink some water.

Come on, man.

♪ Row, row, row your boat gently-- ♪

[Coughing]

BRENT: You're horrible.

Turn around!

OK, turn back around. I've got it now.

["Dixie" ringtone]

Oh!

TRENT: Oh!

Because I don't know how to change the ring on this tele--hello?

Sir? It's Phil. We've got another problem up here.

I'm on the way. Valerie!

I want you to come over here

and make out with Trent.

Just, you know,

really back that thing up on him.

Brent, let's take a ride.

[Ringtone playing, dialing]

[Different ringtone]

[Dialing]

[Sighs]

I'm trying to get Cat Party on there.

Ahh!

Wait, no!

No, no, no!

Silence, dog.

He's from marketing. Phil, Brent. Brent, Phil.

Now what the deuce is wrong with those couplings?

- Well, they keep melting. - Oh.

- Oh, did Lorraine get the gift card? - Yes, she did.

- That was very nice of you, sir. - Nonsense, Philip.

- How's she doing? - Uh, she's still, well, fat.

Well, give it some time, man.

Phil's wife just had a little baby girl.

- Great. - PHIL: 6 months ago.

- Phil, positive reinforcement. - Yes, sir.

And speaking of, with the couplings,

can we just blah-blah, reroute them?

Uh-um, that should work. It's gonna cost some more.

Talk to Charlene, get a P.O. number and get it done.

Will do, Mr. K.

- And seriously-- - Yes, sir?

Lorraine needs to know you still find her desirable.

- Yes, sir. - Because God knows I do. I'm kidding.

- Get out of here. - Outside two and "o0."

- You see, Brent, we all have jobs to do. - Great, there goes my pen.

My job is to complete the Annihilatrix

and destroy mankind by driving this vile planet straight into the sun.

- Wait. I have another idea. Listen. - And your job is to market it.

No, listen, we can get Jason Alexander.

- Great! - Yeah.

You can call him when you hit the ground.

No, wait, wait, I've got another idea.

Better than Jason Alexander.

- Don't say David Arquette to me. = w=-

Well, now that you say that, I'm not going to.

BRENT: Any standard DVD player.

Or any, er, PC, it says here?

Yes, any personal computer with DVD capabilities.

- KILLFACE: Great Scott! - Ah!

PC stands for personal computer. I just this moment got that. Valerie!

Aah!

It's all right if you want to laugh.

- [Nervous chuckle] - KILLFACE: Good girl.

- What's our unit price on this? - What, including postage?

Well, unless you propose having the stork plop them down the chimney.

You know who I like is that pickle stork...

that they had...

From the pickles?

The mailman?

No? Never mind.

- What's the unit price? - 380.

3807?!

Well, you are the one who wanted animated menus. So...

Well, how much without animated menus?

I don't know. Less.

Brent, you are killing me.

Well, hey, you know, look,

since I don't own a [beep] damn DVD factory,

there's not too [beep] much I can do about it, now, is there?

You [beep] kidnap us, right?

You drag us up here,

you [beep] on every strategy we come up with.

And by the way,

that web promotion was tight!

But the bottom line is,

you don't [beep] have the budget

to run with the big dogs, now do you?!

Ruff ruff ruff ruff!

[Chuckles] Are you finished?

Yeah. I'm sorry--

- [Bang] - Aah!

Oh, please.

Look, Trent, I've made you a playmate.

Say hello.

- Good lad. Sinn? - Yes, sire?

If you would, please draw a bath for our lovely guest here,

and then get this place de-corpsed.

Young Simon should be skulking home any time now.

Not a thing dry-erase about that.

- SINN: Sire? - Come in, come in. I-

- Oh. - Is something amiss?

Er, no, I...

I didn't know we were doing the geisha thing again.

- Well, if sire wishes-- - No, no, no. It's fine, really.

Leave us!

Right, then, Val. Brainstorm away.

And really get outside that old box, huh?

Bearing in mind the budget of quarter million and...

go.

- Postcards. - Uh, a direct--aah!

Postcards?!

A direct mailing campaign, 26 per unit to one million households!

Aah!

[SOBBING] Given budgetary constraints, it's the most cost-effective strategy.

You made me do that.

- With a maximum response of 2%. - What?!

But 1% is more realistic.

- Valerie, that's only 10,000 people. - Yes.

- Hmm? - Yes.

How on God's green earth is that cost--

[Door closing]

KILLFACE: Ah, Simon, good to see you.

And what news of the old alma mater?

[Mumbling]

Hmm?

[Sighs] I blame the hip-hop.

Right then, Val.

Direct mail it is.

- OK. - Right?

- Yeah. - Well, I'll, uh, leave you to it.

OK.

Phone's on the desk. There's a computer and a nerve center.

- Do I dial "9"? - Uh, no.

- No, just dial straight away. - Yeah.

- And then get with Sinn if you would. - OK.

She'll take care of your invoice and murder and dismemberment, right?

- Yeah. - Right?

- Yes. - Good girl.

♪ Hey, I met me a nasty girl ♪

♪ She said 8-time queer you insatiable♪

♪ don't know what that means but-- ♪

And what did we say about snacks?

Don't do it.

Don't you push that bowl of cereal on the floor.

[Crash]

[Sigh]

[Indistinct]

We can't ever go back to Arizona!

[Sighs]

♪ Funny I could sneeze ♪ ♪ (Funny I could sneeze) ♪

♪ All that cheese ♪

- ♪ (All that cheese) ♪ - [Lowers volume]

Can't watch telly for 5 seconds

without seeing that gibbering hooligan.

And here I am reduced to postcards,

the dry hump of marketing strategies.

Well, I hope someone sees them, right?

♪ Quarter in the slot machine ♪

♪ Take the main jackpot ♪

♪ I'll make you scream ♪

♪ Milkshake your mama like a Dairy Queen ♪

♪ Let my first side queen not stop afraid ♪

♪ Super head, tell Bill Maher I'm coming for you, baby ♪

♪ All that cheese ♪ ♪ (Hey, all that cheese) ♪

♪ Tell you how it is ♪ ♪ (Tell you how it is) ♪

♪ When you want it on your belly ♪ ♪ (When you want it on your belly) ♪

♪ Or running out to sneeze ♪ ♪ (Or running out to sneeze) ♪

♪ All that cheese ♪ ♪ (All that cheese) ♪

♪ And, baby, how it is ♪ ♪ (And, baby, how it is) ♪

♪ If you got good brains ♪ ♪ (If you got good brains) ♪

♪ You can take my pop quiz ♪ ♪ (You can take my pop quiz) ♪

♪ Slow 'dis, no hiss ♪

♪ Can your playboy keep a fly head? ♪

♪ Can your playboy keep a fly head? ♪

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