Original subtitles

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

What's the charge, sister? Half a dollar a dance.

You mean them women are countesses? Some are.

No kiddin'. Give me five bucks' worth.

Thank you, sir.

Well, I got a ticket to dance with a countess. Go to it, buddy.

Want to tell the folks back home I'm movin' in high society.

Oh, pardon me. Can I sit down? Please.

I've got a ticket to dance.

You a countess?

No kiddin'.

Tell me, how many countesses are there around here?

Oh, quite a few.

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(SHIP HORN BLOWING)

Every statesman, every minister and diplomat should dedicate himself

to the cause of world peace. (KNOCKING RHYTHMICALLY ON DOOR)

Ogden, it's Harvey! Oh, Ogden, are you still at that speech?

Now, here we are, China, Hong Kong, and you're still trying to save the world.

Let's get out of here. See the town. We're only staying 24 hours.

AII right, Crawford. We'll finish this after Iunch.

Okay, sir.

Can ya believe it? Hong Kong. By golly, I can see a Chinaman out there.

I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Look at them. Packed together like sardines.

That's what I dislike about the poor. They have no taste.

They indulge in squalor. They pick the Worst neighborhoods to live in,

eat the worst kind of food and dress atrociously.

That's the first time I've seen you smile since we've been on this trip.

That wasn't a smile. That was a gas pain.

(SHIP HORN BLOWING) How do you feel, buddy?

Depressed.

You should be the happiest man in the world.

In six weeks you'll be divorced

and possibly the next Secretary of State.

We'll wait and see. Here's the day's paper.

"Ogden Mears, multi-millionaire,

"son of the richest oilman in the world

"will be the new Secretary of State."

Let me see that.

You didn't finish the sentence.

"According to the latest rumor."

"Son of the richest oilman in the world." They won't let you forget it.

That's the burden you must carry.

(LAUGHS) Harvey, you're a corrupting influence.

Maybe, but I didn't lead you into politics.

What else is there to do? Murder, arson, rape.

There's plenty of other worthy occupations. (DOORBELL BUZZING)

Crawford, sir. Come in, Crawford.

Just came over the wire.

The President has appointed Mr. Patrick Dowling

Secretary of State. Dowling, huh?

Well, that's show business.

Who the devil is Patrick Dowling? OGDEN: Secretary of State.

L'll check for more news.

Thank you, Crawford.

Well, Harvey, I guess you're right.

I think I'II give up trying to save the world.

Tonight we're gonna celebrate Patrick Dowling's appointment.

Excuse me, sir. Mr. Clark has telephoned.

Mr. Clark? Where is he?

Up in the lounge, sir. He says he's on his way down.

Well, show him here. Yes, sir.

Who's Clark? He's one of Father's senior directors.

Avenerable old gentleman.

Listen, we don't want to get stuck with that old boy

for the rest of the evening.

No, no, I'Il get rid of him.

Remember you just got over the flu.

Took a long sea voyage to get away from it all.

We don't want to be visiting parks and museums.

Mr. Clark, sir.

Ogden, my dear boy, I haven't seen you since you were in swaddling clothes.

I must say you're the replica of your father. (CHUCKLES)

Uh, Mr. Clark, may I present my friend Harvey Crothers, Mr. Clark?

How do you do? I beg your pardon.

Well, sir.

Hudson tells me you're under the weather

and here I am ready to show you the town.

Unfortunately, this is my first day up after the flu.

And I think perhaps I'd better stay inside and just take things easy.

Of course, my dear boy. I'II not disturb you.

But before I go, I'd like to introduce some very dear friends of mine.

They're waiting inthelounge. (MOUTHING)

Well, certainly. Hudson, would you show Mr. CIark's friends in?

CLARK: They're alone in the lounge. You can't miss them.

HUDSON: Yes, sir.

Well, Ogden. Too bad you're not up to scratch.

I was looking forward to showing you around Hong Kong.

Yes, well, I'm disappointed. I was reading about it and it sounds fascinating.

The botanical gardens and the museums...

Oh, dear, dear me, dear me. (LAUGHS)

Botanical gardens? (LAUGHS) I think we can do better than that.

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

I guess I've been reading the wrong book.

Ogden, these are my friends.

This is Mr. Ogden Mears.

Mr. Harvey Crothers.

Countess Chiedoff.

Countess Natascha Alexandrov.

Baroness Cavanotchy.

Hello, I'd like a drink.

No, no, Baroness. It's too early.

Excuse me. Uh... What will you have, Iadies?

Champagne. Champagne, champagne.

(TU RNS RADIO OFF)

No, no, don't turn it off.

Music complements the champagne.

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC RESUMES) Ladies, would you be seated?

Too bad you're just getting over the flu, Ogden.

I thought we might go on somewhere this evening and take the Iadies along.

But then the night air might be dangerous for you.

Oh, I think if I wrap up well it'll be all right.

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Where are the girls?

I don't know. I think they went to the Iadies' room as soon as you left.

I must have inspired them with the same idea.

Let me tell you about these Iadies. Harvey.

They are the daughters of Russian aristocrats.

Their titles are absolutely genuine.

Their parents escaped to Shanghai during the Russian Revolution.

Shanghai was a nasty place in those days.

An international settlement run by seven nations.

Because they had no country, their Iife was worthless.

They could be robbed, murdered. Nobody bothered.

Countess Natascha, the one sitting next to you

has had rather a sad Iife.

She was the mistress of a gangster at the age of 14.

OGDEN: How did the others manage to live?

Many starved, others committed suicide.

Some of the women worked in dance halls.

The men had to compete with the cheapest labor

because they couldn't leave the country.

I think Harvey is very good-looking.

A Iot of good that'II do you. He's penniless.

So what? Haven't you any romance in your soul?

Money makes me romantic.

I thought Harvey was the one with the dough.

You have poor instincts, my dear.

It's the other one, Ogden Mears, who has the money.

He's the son of the richest oilman in the world and Nataschás got him hooked.

Mr. Ogden? He's very attractive.

(SCOFFS) Leave it to Natascha.

She's like a divining stick finding water.

Only in her case, she's found oil.

Well, you can have your big oilman.

He's here today and gone tomorrow.

But I shall stick to old Papa Clark.

He took me away from the dance halls.

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING)

Listen, Milton... Pardon me, Mr. Milton Clark.

Would you like to dance? (CHUCKUNG)

Natascha.

You're very quiet this evening.

Am I? I'm sorry.

Don't apologize. I like quiet people.

They're either clever orduw

I would say you're one of the Clever ones.

Thank you. I'd better keep silent.

Well, whatever you do, it's very attractive.

Would you like to dance? No, I'd like to sit here and talk with you.

I regret I speak English so badly. You speak it beautifully.

I understand you were born in Shanghai.

Yes. But my parents came from Russia.

And now they've moved to Hong Kong?

My parents died in Shanghai when I was 13.

Haven't you any brothers or sisters? I was an only child.

Thirteen, a little young to face the world.

We must all face it sooner or later.

Some more sooner.

How did you come to live in Hong Kong?

Well, there was another war, another revolution. So here we are.

But Iet us talk of something more cheerful.

I'm sorry.

Would you like to dance? I'd love to.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Congratulations, Your Excellency.

You are now a Plenipotentiary Extraordinary.

Harvey, will you ring for the steward

and have him bring some ice water?

Oh.

What's this PIeni-pli-plen-what?

Oh, itjust came over the radio. You've been appointed

Plenipotentiary Extraordinary to the Court of Saudi Arabia.

I'II never get away from the oil business.

You been sleeping on that couch all night?

What's this? Telephone numbers.

Some of your first official appointments, Iguess.

And this?

Some roughneck guy got fresh with Natascha in the nightclub and you clipped him.

I clipped him? A brawl in a nightclub?

Well, I'm off to a fine start as Ambassador.

Steward, sir.

Steward, would you bring me some AIka-Seltzer and some ice water, please?

Yes, sir.

Who's Natascha?

You don't know Natascha? You ought to.

You were pretty clubby with her last night.

What do you mean "clubby"? From the verb "club."

To form an association united by a common interest.

That's enough. I don't want to hear any more. Where are we?

Way out at sea. When did we leave Hong Kong?

Two hours ago. (BELL RINGING)

That's the first call for Iunch. Coming down?

No, I'm gonna take a bath and get myself together.

I'II call ya later then. Yeah.

Uh, Hudson.

Just fixing your bath, sir.

What are you doing, Hudson?

Just making a note of the telephone numbers.

Oh, don't bother with them.

Oh! I beg your pardon.

Did I startle you?

Who are you?

I'm Natascha.

Oh, well, how do you do?

Are we alone?

I don't know. Maybe there's somebody under the bed.

(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry.

Yes, well, what are you doing in that closet?

Well, sir, if you'll allow me, I'll explain everything.

Go ahead.

I don't know whether you remember the Baroness, the Countess and me?

Yes. Well, get to the point.

After leaving the Pantheon, we finally finished up here.

And then?

Then you fell asleep, so everyone Ieft,

but I came back to look for my handbag.

Enough of that. Why are you hiding in that closet?

Well, let's face it. I've stowed away.

You what? I'm going to America.

Are you crazy?

Please don't get excited.

If you let me stay until the purser's Checked all the passengers,

I'II leave your Cabin and will never bother you again.

And if anyone comes, I can hide in the bathroom or in the closet.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Who is it?

Hudson, sir, with the menu. In case you should want Iunch before the kitchens close.

Thank you. Call later, Hudson.

You see how simple it is.

After the purser's Checked everyone,

no one will know whether I'm a passenger or not.

Now look, the best thing for you to do

is go straight to the Captain and tell him what happened.

You were visiting friends and you were left aboard.

But isn't it awkward if he wants to know where I slept all night?

Of course not! What do you mean?

Tell him the truth. There's nothing to hide. (DOORBELL BUZZING)

Who is it? STEWARD: Alka-Seltzer, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Look, I must take my bath and get dressed now.

Yes, of course.

Do you mind leaving?

Oh, I'm so sorry. I can wait in the next room.

Just a minute. You don't seem to understand.

You cannot wait in this suite.

I have friends coming.

But where can I go? That's your problem.

Please Iet me stay until the purser's Checked everyone.

No, no. I promise. After tonight, you'll never see me again.

Ybu1Ihavetoleave these premises immediately.

Ican1Ieave dressed like this in the middle of the day.

However, you can't stay here. I must!

Well, if you insist, I shall have to ring for the purser.

If you do, I'II Scream,

I'II tear my clothes and swear you tried to attack me.

This is blackmail. Yes, blackmail.

Oh, no, no, I didn't mean it.

That was a stupid thing to say.

Certainly was.

Of course it isn't blackmail. I don't want your money.

I want to get away from Hong Kong.

I tried to tell you that last night but you...

You've told me enough. (BURPING) You wouldn't let me explain.

I'm gonna give you one more chance.

Are you going to leave this Cabin?

No. And if you ring the bell, I'II Scream.

We'll see about that. Please, please, I never meant it.

Stand away from that bell. No, I won't.

Then I'II ring from the next room. (BURPS) Oh!

Please, please, I beg you!

Now go ahead and scream.

Where is that steward?

Steward, would you please send for the purser?

Yes, sir. Thank you.

Don't bother. I'II go.

Well, I'm sorry, but if I succumb to Sympathy

I'd have the whole world on my neck.

Now, if it's just a question of paying your fare

to wherever you want to go, I'II do that.

But you have to get off at the next stop.

It's no use. That's Japan. They'II arrest me.

Why?

I haven't a passport.

You haven't a passport?

Well, how do you expect to land in the United States?

I'II get in some way.

My dear young lady, you haven't a chance.

Now the best thing for you to do is return to Hong Kong.

Neven

I'II talk to the purser and see if we can get you a Cabin.

(DOORBELL BUZZING) Who is it?

The purser, Your Excellency. Oh.

Here, in... Oh, yeah.

Good afternoon, Your Excellency.

Good afternoon, purser. I'd like to know if you have an extra berth or a Cabin.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We haven't a thing. We're completely full up.

There might be something at Kobe, but I doubt it.

When do we get to Kobe?

Tomorrow morning at 11:00, sir. Thank you.

Is there anything else I can do for Your Excellency?

No, not a thing. Thank you.

Well, they're full up.

FuHup? Yeah.

Oh, well, we'll manage somehow.

Will we? Where do you think you're gonna sleep tonight?

As soon as it's dark, I can sleep in one of the Iifeboats.

Whatever made you think you could get away with this?

I didn't think. It was an impulse. A chance to escape.

Escape? Escape from what?

Have you committed a crime?

Of course not. Escape from despair, hopelessness, no future.

Nothing to look forward to but dance halls and prostitution.

But I am determined not to slowly die and rot.

Well, that's no excuse for your actions.

There's no excuse for many things in this world.

Oh, well, you're getting off at Kobe, the next stop.

Then I can stay? Stay? I can't get rid of you.

Now do you mind going in the other room while I take a bath?

Not at all, Your Excellency.

And if anyone knocks, don't answer. No, Your Excellency.

And lay off the "Excellency." Yes, sir.

What are you going to do about food?

It's no hardship to miss a meal occasionally.

You want me to break down and weep? No,buL_

Well, then, mark down what you want on the menu while I lock the door.

Now, when you hear a knock like this, you'll know it's me.

(KNOCKING SEVEN TIMES IN RHYTHM)

(KNOCKING REPEATED OUTSIDE)

CRAWFORD: It's Crawford.

Come in, Crawford.

Harvey says not to wait for him for Iunch.

He's not feeling too well. I think he's got an upset stomach.

I've got a little upset stomach myself.

Excuse me, sir. The kitchens will be closed in 10 minutes.

Oh, well, here it is.

"Chicken a Ia king, potato au gratin, string beans,

"cauliflower, a glass of milk and caramel ice cream

"with hot chocolate sauce," sir?

That's about it.

That's not bad for an upset stomach.

(KNOCKING FIVE TIMES IN RHYTHIVI) Ogden.

(CLEARS TH ROAT)

(FINGERS TAPPING)

(TAPPING CONTINUES)

(TAPPING CONTINUES)

(TAPPING CONTINUES)

(TAPPING STOPS)

(BOOK THUDS)

Oh, excuse me.

(YAWNS)

Why don't you go to bed?

Well, I thought I'd wait for you.

Oh, that is, I... I don't know where to go.

You'd better run along to your Iifeboat.

(CHUCKUNG) It's no Iaughing matter.

However, you can sleep in the next room.

Where are you going to sleep? That's my business.

There's another bed in the other room,

if you'd care to sleep there.

Thank you. I'm Sleeping on the sofa.

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

I suppose you have nothing to sleep in.

Oh, don't bother.

Here, you can use these and this. Thank you.

I'm sorry I don't have any hairpins or toothbrush.

I feel terrible putting you to all this trouble.

Hmm. You can write me to that effect when you're off this boat.

Come in.

Ogden, you mustn't.

(RADIO VOLUME INCREASES)

(RADIO VOLUME DECREASES)

Please don't turn the radio down. Keep it up. Keep it up.

Sorry.

(RADIO VOLUME INCREASES)

Get up out of there.

Oh, Iwish you'd Iet me sleep here.

I feel I'm robbing you ofyourbed.

You're robbing me of my sleep.

Look. I'm very comfortable here.

(DOORBELL BUZZES) Ooh! Ah!

CRAWFORD: Mr. Ogden, are you asleep?

Yes. What is it?

It's Crawford. Harvey's been in bed all day with an upset stomach.

Can you give him something? Just a minute.

Tell him to take this. He'II feel 1000/0 in the morning.

Thanks.

Good night, Crawford. Good night, boss.

Now, you get in the other room and stay there.

Be careful. These pajamas are transparent.

So are you.

(SIGHS) Good night.

Come in.

I believe this is yours.

Good night. Good night.

Up, come on, get up. We're gonna be in Kobe in 15 minutes.

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO) Yes, sir, I'II tidy up first.

(RADIO VOLUME DECREASES) (WATER RUNNING)

(RADIO VOLUME INCREASES)

Now, what are you going to have for breakfast?

Oh, anything, sir.

Two boiled eggs, four minutes,

a little bacon, toast and coffee.

Eggs,bacon, toast and coffee.

Oh, and hot milk to go with the coffee. Hot milk.

Oh, yes, and marmalade. And marmalade.

Boiled eggs. I suppose they're fresh?

I don't know about the eggs.

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

(DOOR SLAMS)

Who is it? Steward, sir.

Good morning, sir. Breakfast? Yes.

"Two eggs, bacon, toast and coffee, hot milk, marmalade."

(PIPES SQUEAKING) That all, sir?

Yes, and would you serve it in the next room, please?

Very good, sir.

What were you doing?

The bath was overflowing. So I turned the taps off.

(DOORBELL BUZZES) (GASPS)

Good morning, boss. I just came down to tell you a batch of reporters

got on with the pilot and they're waiting now to interview you.

Morning, Ogden. I just came down to tell you

a batch of reporters got on with the pilot.

They're waiting to interview you.

I can't see anybody before breakfast.

Say about 11:00'? Look, they're up inthelounge.

And I can probably keep them busy for a while,

but I think it might be a good idea to bring them

down here and give them a little drink and a Sandwich

just to sweeten them up.

AII right, you fix that up.

Harvey, I'II see you after breakfast. I have to collect myself.

Oh, how do you feel?

Oh, great. You know, the stuff you gave me

fixed me up fine. Good. I'II see you after breakfast.

(STAMMERING) Right after breakfast.

(EXHALES)

What... What do you want, Hudson?

To prepare your bath, sir. I've had my bath.

Just a moment.

May I have the key, if you don't mind?

It's Ogden. I beg your pardon, Your Excellency.

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Is that all, sir? Yes, that's all.

Thank you, sir.

It's Ogden. Hurry up.

This door is broken. I know.

Hurry up and eat your breakfast. Yes, Your Excellency.

Oh! Like a silver garden.

(SOFTLY) How lovely.

Hurry up and eat! Oh! Yes, sir.

I ordered boiled eggs and they've scrambled them, but it doesn't matter.

Will you please hurry up? We're gonna be in Kobe in just a few minutes now.

I'm doing my best, sir.

You should have been up and dressed an hour ago.

But I haven't got any clothes to wear.

What? You... You have a dress in there!

That's for the evening.

I can't appear at 11 .OO in the morning in an evening dress.

Well, you should have thought about that before.

Now, wait a minute.

There's a dress shop at the top of the stairs. Ladies' dress shop.

What are your measurements? Hmm?

How tall are you?

What about around here? (CHUCKLES)

Never mind that. What about here?

Modesty forbids. Oh!

Now, listen. Remember when I leave, lock both doors.

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Good morning, sir. Good morning.

I'd Iike to have a Iady's suit for someone about 5'7".

I'm afraid we've nothing in stock.

Well, what's all this? Samples, sir.

Our main stores are in London and New York.

Oh, I'II take anything you have.

A complete Iady's outfit will be fine.

Yes, sir.

(SHIP HORN BLOWS)

(KNOCKING FIVE TIMES IN RHYTHIVI) Ogden!

Here. Here's some clothes.

Now, hurry up and get dressed. The press is going to be here in five minutes.

Yes, Sir. (EXHALES)

Aren't you ready yet? I'm trying to get ready, sir, but...

You are not trying to get ready.

I've had just about enough of this.

I'm not gonna stand... I gave you my measurements, but...

Listen, I'm not interested in the problem of your measurements.

I'm interested in you getting... What is this for anyway?

...out this door right now.

If you're not off this boat in two minutes...

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Who is it? Steward, sir.

Yes, sir? Clear these things away.

Yes, sir.

(SIGHS)

Aren't you ready yet? But it's all too big!

Haven't they got something smaller?

That's the smallest they have.

What am I to do? "Do"'? Get dressed and get off the boat!

This is absurd. I can't go ashore like this.

I'd be arrested. They don't fit.

Then you'll go as you are.

'N YOUF pajamas?

Take off those pajamas. Would that look nice?

Take off those pajamas or I'II tear them off.

(GASPS) Oh! You heard what I said. Take 'em off.

Oh, please, my nerves.

Take them off. Oh, this is silly.

You'll see how silly this is. Oh!

Ahhh!

Take 'em off.

Oh, please. Do you want me to call the Captain?

Oh, but this is absurd, really. What are we doing?

Ooh! Ooh! Oh, dear! Ooh.

You'll get off this boat if I...

(DOORBELL BUZZES) Who is it?

It's Crawford, sir.

Come in, Iadies and gentlemen. Please be seated.

How do you do? Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce His Excellency, Ogden Mears?

WOMAN: How do you do? Good morning.

How many in your party, Mr. Mears?

There are three of us, Mr. Crothers, Mr. Crawford and myself.

Mr. Mears, I understand you've been made Ambassador to Saudi Arabia.

Yes, that's right.

Are you going directly there now?

No, I'II go to Washington for the usual formalities.

WOMAN: Is your wife going with you? I hope so.

MAN: Mr. Ambassador, what is your solution for peace?

The solution for peace lies in man himself.

In this atomic age (CORK POPS)

and the power of military might...

Wait, I'II get you a towel.

...Iiberty, freedom and Justice

are generalities that have been

quoted as an excuse for aggression.

NATASCHA: Ah! OGDEN: Nature has given us the, uh,

technological ability to

military might, but is built on the foundation of peace

and goodwill to all men.

And in this atomic age,

only the morality of man can help him to survive.

The solution for peace is in truth

and tolerance and understanding.

Thank you, gentlemen.

CRAWFORD: That will be all, Iadies and gentlemen.

STEWARD: Refreshments over here, please.

Ogden, I've got to talk to you.

Not now, old man. But, Ogden!

I'm sorry. I need rest. I'm going back to bed.

Are you kidding?

A dame in your bathroom. I went to get a towel.

I'II talk to you about that later on the Promenade Deck.

She says she's a stowaway and she's going to America.

How did she get into your pajamas?

Hmm... Like a fool, I Ioaned her a pair of my pajamas to sleep in.

(BELL DINGING)

VVeH,youWlhave to pay her off.

I offered to pay her expenses back to Hong Kong, but she won't take it.

That's peanuts. She's out for big dough.

Why don't you get off the boat and leave her flat?

(SHIP HORN BLOWS)

Too Iate.

Now listen, I've gotta do something. I just can't leave her

downstairs in that Cabin with my pajamas.

I mean, it puts me in a terrible spot. What am I gonna do?

AII right. Let's go to Iunch and afterwards you let me talk to her.

(KEY RATTLING)

(KNOCKING FIVE TIMES IN RHYTHM) Mr. Mears.

Oh! That's all right. This is Mr. Crothers.

You met him this morning in the bathroom, I believe.

How do you do? Well, I see you've been playing Chess.

Alone? Yes.

I took the liberty of putting on another pair of your pajamas

after the other one had been ripped off.

Where's the torn one?

Oh, I hid it. I didn't think you wanted anyone to see it.

(YELLS) You think I give a damn who sees it?

You spoiled my move.

Now, now, Ogden. Let's settle this thing without any bitterness.

Natascha,

I understand you want to go to America.

Yes. Good.

Now, Ogden tells me that you have neither a passport nor a visa.

I don't need them.

What makes you think you don't need them?

Because I haven't got them. Fair enough.

You see, she's insane. Because I haven't a passport?

What's this use of arguing with her?

Natascha, don't you realize that you'll be caught?

I have no intention of being caught.

But you have to pass the immigration officers.

So what? (DOORBELL BUZZES)

Who is it? Chief Steward, sir.

Excuse me. Do you mind closing all your portholes, sir?

Yes, it seems to be blowing up out there.

Just a little sloppy. Nothing serious. (CHUCKLES) Yes.

AII clear.

What are you hiding for? Me? I don't know.

However, let's get down to business.

Natascha,

I like you.

And I think I'm a good judge of character.

You mustn't mind Ogden. He's a little abrupt, but he means well.

Well, you mean well,

but he hasn't approached you in the right way.

I'm sure you don't want to ruin his career.

AII Iwant is to get to America.

Well, that can be arranged,

if you'll get off at Tokyo and take another boat.

If you get off at Tokyo, I'II give you $25,000.

You don't seem to understand. I don't want money.

This is a trick and you're not getting away with it.

Natascha, how much do you want?

I don't want money.

And I don't want this.

We'll give you $50,000. Oh, there's no use in arguing.

Best thing to do is go to the Captain and tell him the whole story.

Then I'II tell him my side. How you kidnapped me, looked me in your Cabin,

and after attacking me, tried to get rid of me.

Do you think I give a hoot for your threats?

(GROANS)

Now, wait a minute.

This is getting us nowhere.

Ogden,

you can catch more flies with honey

than you can with...

With What?

HARVEY: Well, I'd say mustard or vinegar.

Mustard and vinegar?

What's that got to do with it?

Well, you can get more with honey. Honey, huh.

Now, listen, Natascha. If Ogden goes to the Captain,

he'II believe him before he'II believe you, and you'll be sent to jail.

If you'll get off the boat at Tokyo without a scandal, we'll give you $75,000.

I don't want money. (HICCUPS)

Ogden, you're dealing with an odd character.

This is a hold-up. I'm going straight to the Captain.

Don%do anything rash, Ogden.

Ogden?

Ogden, before you do anything... (OGDEN GROANS)

(WIND HOWLING)

OGDEN: Out!

What do you think you're doing?

Oh.

Harvey, ring for some ice water.

You leave this Cabin immediately.

Well, good morning, Ogden. Hello, Harv.

How do you feel? Wonderful.

Good.

Say, you had quite a siege of it.

You know, for a while there, I thought it was serious.

Well, it was a touch of the old malaria.

I get it every once in a while.

But now I feel great. Good.

Say,uh, how's the situation down below?

I don't know what to think.

You know, she stayed up two days and nights dosing me with quinine

and taking my temperature.

She even wanted to send for the ship's doctor

when she thought it was getting serious.

Of course I stopped her.

Well, in three days we arrive in Honolulu,

then she says she'II disappear.

I'II miss her.

So Will l.

I'II miss the tension, the excitement of it all.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

We were wondering what had become of you.

Well, I... I hope you haven't been seasick.

Actually, it was quite something else. Everybody's been seasick.

At least it'II give them something to talk about at dinner.

How sick they were, what they ate.

Daddy says it's surprising what people will talk about

to make themselves interesting.

(SAMBA MUSIC PLAYING)

I can't do that. Oh, yes, you can.

I'II show you.

There. Isn't it wonderful?

I think dancing stimulates conversation.

Wasn't it Aristotle who used to walk and Iecture

around the Lyceum and talk of the soul?

Though Daddy says he never had a clear idea of what the soul is.

But Daddy has.

He says the soul is desire.

And that the whole of life is desire. (VOICE VIBRATES)

I think it's a wonderful idea.

Well, if you can't shimmy, we'll just dance ordinary.

Do you believe in the immortality of the soul?

Well... Daddy does. He believes that when we die,

our souls go on until they're reborn again through love.

Love? You don't believe in love?

Well, I... Daddy does.

He loves everybody, except the communists. (LAUGHS)

You're in the diplomatic service, aren't you? Yes.

How boring it must be to be diplomatic to everyone.

But you're Ambassador to Arabia, aren't you?

Yes, I... Have you been there before?

Oh, yes.

Do tell me about it. I adore Arabs.

Well, the Arabs are very inter...

Quite a Crowd tonight.

You'd never suspect that most of them have been seasick.

One passenger has been confined to her Cabin ever since we left Hong Kong.

Her empty chair is next to mine in the dining room.

I'm so intrigued to see what she looks like.

(KNOCKING FIVE TIMES IN RHYTHIVI) It's Harvey!

Peek-a-boo.

Well, I... I see you're enjoying yourself.

I just thought I'd come down to see that you weren't getting into any mischief.

Mischief? Well, it's a difficult situation.

(SIGHS) I'II be glad when it's over.

You really think you'll be able to land in the States?

Oh, yes.

I sincerely wish you all the luck in the world.

And I know Ogden does.

Ogden?

Oh, yes, he... He speaks very well of you.

That's surprising.

Well, it's all difficult.

These close quarters. He's very suspicious. You're very attractive.

That's what he's fighting against.

He seems to have won.

Unfortunately, it started out the wrong way.

But he'll miss you. Hmm.

Oh, yes. He said so himself.

He'II be only too glad to get rid of me.

Mmm... I don't know.

What's he doing upstairs? Dancing with some young blonde.

Is she pretty? Well, she's young.

Hey, what are you doing? You put the five in the wrong place.

(DOOR UNLOCKING)

Oh. Electrician, sir,

to fix the lights in the sitting room and the bedroom.

Could you come back in half an hour? Very well, sir.

It's the electrician to fix the lights here and in the bedroom.

They've been here every 'IO minutes, rapping on the door.

Now they have a passkey. I don't like that passkey business.

I think you'd be safer upstairs dancing.

Ogden would be furious.

Oh, no. Not when I tell him about the electrician with the passkey.

Well, if I'm caught, it's better to be upstairs than down here.

Ah. Now that's the spirit! Listen, if you stay down here, you'll go stir crazy.

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING WALTZ MUSIC)

You stay here. I'II find Ogden. Don't leave me alone!

No,no,no. I'II only be a minute.

Excuse me. May I have the pleasure of this dance? (GAS PS)

Harvey! Harvey!

No, no. It's all right. Go ahead.

How do you do? Thank you. I'II meet you back here.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Why aren't you dancing, Captain?

I was just about to ask this very attractive younglady.

You better be nice to him. We're all under his control, you know.

I've been wondering about the immortality of the soul.

BANDLEADER: Change your partners.

Change your partners.

I don't think I've seen you throughout the voyage.

But of course, you're the lady who's been confined to her Cabin.

Yes, yes.

It's a pity you're such a poor sailor.

However, that's our misfortune.

Change your partners. Thank you so much.

Why did you leave the room?

The electricians wanted to fix the lights. They have a passkey.

You mean they saw you? Of course not.

Harvey answered the door. What was he doing in there?

I'm Iucky he was there. Othervvise, they would have seen me.

What were you and the Captain talking about?

He asked me if I was enjoying the trip.

What did you tell him? I said every moment of it.

Change your partners.

Natascha! What are you doing away from Hong Kong?

I'm going to San Francisco. Alone?

I'm looking for a job.

You don't have to look far, honey. l'II give you a job.

Oh, no. I'm not looking for that kind of work.

(CHUCKUNG)

Where have you been? I haven't seen you around the whole trip.

I've been confined to my Cabin.

What, have you been hiding from someone?

Mmm... I've been very, very sick. Where is your Cabin?

None of your business. AII right, I'II find out from the purser.

(TRUMPET PLAYING)

Let's go to the bar and have a drink.

Oh, no, I'm very tired. I'm going to bed.

Then l'll go with you. Oh, no, you won't.

Then have a drink. No, I'm going straight to my Cabin.

Listen, you can't get rid of me that easy.

I'm either going to your Cabin

or we're going to have a drink.

I'II have a drink.

I told her to meet me here. Where are they?

Oh, there they are at the bar.

I wonder what they're talking about. Let's go and listen.

(COUGHING)

Yes, sir. A martini.

And you? Beer

Hey, come on now, honey, where is your Cabin?

Wouldn't you like to know? Oh, come clean, honey. Don't play the Virgin.

Virgin? What's that?

I see I'II have to teach you the facts of life.

Now listen, honey, I...

Still playing hard to get, eh? No, hard to please.

What's wrong with me? Have I got Ieprosy or something?

Yes.

Whether I have or not, I'm going with you.

They must be in the other corridor.

I'II go round, meet them face on.

OkaY-

Oh, Natascha, come on. Really, I must say good night.

Why the anticlimax? Hey, hello, chum! How've you been?

Say, how's the wife? Who are you?

Are you kidding? I'm the brother of that guy who sold you the used Pontiac.

Come on now. Let's have a drink. I don't know you.

Of course you do. You've been talking to my sister all night.

That's not your sister. It's not my uncle.

(KNOCKING SEVEN TIMES IN RHYTHIVI) Ogden.

I hope you enjoyed yourself, Ietting everybody know you were here.

Flaunting and parading around this ship.

What are you trying to do? Ruin my career, destroy me?

You know, I was beginning to believe in you, to trust you.

I thought there was something decent, something worthwhile.

But you're just a common harlot.

Dragging me into your sordid intrigues.

Leering into the face of that stupid paramour of yours.

Why don't you go and hide in his Cabin?

Why don't you torment him?

I won't torment you anylongen

It has not been cheerful for me either

having to endure your contempt every day.

I thought I could take it, but I can't.

You win.

(GROANS) No. No, I won't.

You're crazy.

Maybe.

Where are you going? To the purser and give myself up.

Oh, don't worry. I'II keep your spotless reputation out of it.

I'II tell him I've been hiding in second class.

Why this sudden change of attitude?

Why yours? You know why.

Good morning, purser. Could you tell me the Cabin number of Ms. Natascha...

I don't know her other name, but I know her quite well.

Perhaps you mean Ms. Gaulswallow. Who?

Gaulswallow.

Uh, yeah, I guess so. I don't think she wants to be distu rbed.

Okay, but I'd like to send her some flowers.

(SNIFFING)

Flowers for Ms. Gaulswallow.

Oh, dear, dear. I don't know him.

Oh, take them away. They take up all the oxygen.

They take up all the oxygen.

Anna Pooh, my old friend.

Oh, that red tongue!

Nurse!

Oh, take my Russian friend away.

He's too big

and I don't Iike his red tongue.

Oh, oh, more colors.

Oh, not that. No more of that. No.

Idon%Hke the green either. Put that right away.

Ooh! How awful.

In the drawer, please.

Give me the chocolates.

The Captain, madam.

Well, I... I...

Captain! Oh, how nice of you.

Chocolates.

Oh, how perfectly charming.

(SIGHS) Nurse, will you put these by the porthole?

Just the sort of thing my nephews will enjoy.

Nurse! My thermometer.

Give it to me. l'll shake the thing myself.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) (MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Nurse, where's my thermometer?

I've lost my thermometer. Or did I swallow it?

MS. GAULSWALLOW: Come in!

What was that? Something flew in and then flew out.

Must have been a bat. (LAUGHING)

The man that looked after you since you were 14, was he a White Russian?

Yes.

Was he married?

Yes. Separated from his wife.

He was a desperate man.

They say he was a gangster, but he was very kind to me.

God knows what I would have done without him.

Did you love him?

I was too young.

How old was he?

Sixty-three when he died.

What's the matter?

Me? Nothing.

Are you sure? Of course.

At 10:00, I have to look for Crawford and send some cablegrams.

You look worried.

(SIG-HS) I'm just wondering how you're going to land in the States.

Please don't worry about it.

You have to be realistic. In two days, you're going to be in Hawaii.

Yes, I'm getting off there. It will be easier getting into the States that way.

Suppose you get into trouble. Whatever happens, you won't be involved.

You have to be realistic, face facts. What are your plans?

I can supply you with money, but suppose you do get into trouble?

I'd Iike to be of some help. Please don't feel obligated.

The moment we arrive in Honolulu, I shall have vanished.

You're so remote, so alone.

That's what saddens me.

Don't be sad. That's too easy.

Be like me.

At this moment, I'm very happy.

This moment.

That's all we can ask for.

This moment.

(CHUCKLES) There'II be many moments.

I wonder.

Of course.

Our lives are so different, so far apart.

No need to be, if we're discreet.

I hate to leave, but it's 10:00

and I have to send those cablegrams.

Oh. Don't worry.

I want to help, and I can.

But I must know your plans.

And meanwhile, don't vanish. We still have two more days.

I won't.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) It's Harvey.

(LAUGHS) Good morning.

I just met your boyfriend who pursued you last night.

He's still roaming all around the boat,

looking for your room number.

Am I intruding? (SNIFFLES)

Two more days.

Yep. I could see it coming.

Both of you falling in love.

I don't know about Ogden,

but this is a new experience for me.

Well, it happens in the best of regulated families.

I don't want to fall in love.

I think he's very fond of you.

However, if you ever got into trouble,

his friendship could be very useful.

Oh, it's all so hopeless.

I don't agree.

Well, in two days, it will be over.

You're leaving at Honolulu? Yes.

Have you thought about what you're going to do?

I have a plan.

Well, it better be a good one.

Harvey?

Ifl tell you, promise me you won't tell Ogden.

Why? He's very conservative. He might object.

What are you going to do? Dive off the boat.

Oh, honey, where did you get that idea? You'll break your neck!

Oh, no, no. In Hawaii, they come around in little boats and dive for money.

Some climb aboard and dive off the boat. I can do that.

(ON RADIO) J" Why do stars shine so bright

J* Why does the nightingale sing at night

J" Because they believe in Iove J”

(MUSIC FADES AWAY)

(MUSIC STARTS LOUDLY)

J" Why should I look and sigh

How fortunate that my chair's next to yours.

J” I believe in Iove J”

Here, l'll turn this off.

Now we can talk.

But I'm interrupting your reading. How inconsiderate of me.

Nothing's more annoying than to have someone interrupt your reading.

Daddy says it's a lack of consideration for other people.

Where's your friend, the Ambassador?

He seems to have erased himself completely during the voyage.

Daddy says that people who erase themselves usually have a profound shyness

which really means that they're afraid of exposing themselves.

Hmm.

Oh, the silence is frightening.

Would you like some more music?

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Mrs. Martha Mears, wife of Ambassador Ogden Mears

will await her husband's arrival in Honolulu this evening.

Rumors have been rife that the Ambassador and his wife

are getting a divorce.

Nevertheless, Mrs. Ogden Mears says she will accompany her husband to Washington.

He's getting a divorce! Excuse me.

Your wife's waiting for you in Honolulu. It just came over the radio.

I know. I just got a telegram.

She's coming aboard this evening

and she's not getting a divorce.

What about Natascha?

Oh, that's the problem.

You've got to think fast. We arrive at 9:30.

You've got to get her out of your Cabin! Oh, where's she gonna go?

Well, she can sleep in my Cabin. That's out.

(SHIP HORN BLOWING)

You didn't Iet me finish.

I could double in with Crawford or Hudson.

Crawford and Hudson are staying with two other fellows.

You can't let her stay where she is. Well, obviously not.

I've got it. You can say she's married to Hudson.

Hudson?

Say, that's an idea. You know, if she was married to an American Citizen

she could get into the States without any trouble.

You wish to see me, sir? Yes, Hudson. Sit down.

Thank you, sir.

Would you like a drink? Uh, no, thank you, sir.

Uh, Hudson, you are an American Citizen, aren't you?

I've been an American Citizen for the past 16 years, sir.

Good. I want you to do me a favor. Yes, sir.

You remember that extremely attractive lady that I was dancing with last night?

I do, sir.

Well, Iwant you to marry her.

Marry who, sir? The lady I just mentioned.

It'll only be a temporary affair

and then aftervvards, you can get a divorce.

If I may say so, sir, this is rather sudden.

I think I will take a brandy after all, sir.

I agree it's somewhat extemporaneous,

but it's a matter of urgency.

You see, if the lady is married to an American Citizen

she'II have little trouble getting into the United States.

And when does all this happen, sir?

Oh, in about 10 minutes.

I still have to speak to the lady, of course. She doesn't know yet?

Oh, no, not yet. But, uh, don't worry. We're arranging that.

I think you should be married before Iunch.

Uh, you will have a brandy?

Make it a double, if you please, sir.

Double brandy, please. I'II have the same.

Yes, sir. Thank you.

If I might ask a rather connubial question, sir,

what happens this evening, that is, tonight?

After the marriage.

Oh, nothing that concerns you, Hudson.

You'll be sleeping in the same room,

but in different beds, of course.

I think you should be getting yourself ready.

Uh, I think you can wear an Ordinary lounge suit for the wedding.

Yes, sir. Fine.

And, uh, while you're getting dressed, I'II talk to the lady.

Thank you.

(KNOCKING SEVEN TIMES IN RHYTHM)

What's this I hear? I'm to marry Hudson?

Well, it's an emergency. Yes, but Hudson!

Well, I think it'll solve all our problems.

You'll be married to an American Citizen.

You'll have little or no trouble getting into the States

and, uh, aftervvards you can get a divorce.

But I've got nothing to wear. I mean, I can't get married in your pajamas.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Harvey!

Well, it's all arranged. Captain'II be down in a couple minutes.

What did you tell him?

I gave him aline about how her papers blew overboard.

She met Hudson, they fell in love. Well, the Captain's on.

He pretty well understands the situation, but it's gonna cost you dough.

Well, how's the happy bride?

Oh, Iwish I were back in Hong Kong.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

That's the Captain.

How do you do, sir? How do you do?

Captain, you understand this is to be kept strictly confidential.

I quite understand, Mr. Mears.

Mr. Harvey has explained everything.

Good. And I assure you it will be deeply appreciated.

We're only too pleased to help out in such matters.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Who is it? Hudson, sir.

Hudson, you're Iate. I'm sorry, sir.

Captain, I'd like to present Hudson, the, uh, bridegroom.

How do you do? Now, uh, where's the bride?

Oh, I believe she's still dressing.

Are you ready?

Oh, the Captain. It's all too big. Nothing fits! Look!

You're losing weight. You've been dieting too much.

Well, let's get on with it.

Countess, bridegroom.

Mr. Harvey, you're the best man. Mr. Ogden, the Witness.

We'll fill out the forms later.

Now then, um...

Do you, uh, Henry Lewisham Arthur Hudson

take this woman to be your Iawful wedded wife

till death do you part?

Oh! Oh!

OGDEN: Well, he's just over-excited.

Water!

Hudson, whatever made you faint?

I'm sorry, sir. I suppose it was the excitement of those drastic words.

Drastic? "Till death do us part."

That's no reflection on you, madam, of course.

Now what's going to happen?

Well, that's what I would like to know.

Nothing's going to happen. You'll retire as usual.

Hudson will sleep in the same room,

but in the other bed of course.

I hope so. The other bed. The one near the door.

Just not to obfuscate matters.

Listen, this marriage is just a formality.

The moment we get ashore, I want a divorce.

Madam, whatever your desire is.

I am always at your service. (NATASCHA SCOFFS)

Hudson,donWIet the champagne go to your head.

Better go to bed. Very well, sir. Good night, Mr. Ogden.

Good night. Good night, Mr. Harvey.

Madam, I presume I'II see you later.

OGDEN: Where are you going, Hudson? There's the bedroom.

The whole thing is an awful mess.

Well, this is Harvey's idea.

Why can't I sleep on the sofa?

Natascha, let's not go into all that again. Where do you sleep?

I have to sit up and explain the situation to Martha.

Well, why don't you have the Captain explain? (CAR HORN HONKING)

He's gone ashore.

If Martha finds you here without an explanation, it's gonna create scandal.

I hate to interrupt. But I think Martha just drove up in a Cadillac.

Natascha, please, please go to bed! How can I with that man?

(DOORBELL BUZZING) (NATASCHA GASPS)

(GASPS)

There's no lock on this door.

That man is crazy. Oh, Natascha, please go to bed.

To think of having to do all this to get a passport. Huh!

Ice water, sir. Oh.

I'II check to see if Martha's arrived yet. Okay.

(HUDSON GARGLING LOUDLY)

Good night.

Oh!

In the excitement, I forgot to brush my teeth.

(BRUSHING TEETH)

(HUDSON SPITS)

Boo!

Good night.

Ah!

(DOOR OPENS)

Hudson, find me some pajamas.

Oh, you've got mine on. Well, find me something to sleep in.

Hasn't she arrived yet? No, not yet. Expected momentarily.

I'm so nervous. Natascha, don't worry.

Please, don't worry.

Everything will work out the minute we Can get you ashore.

Do you require a valise, sir? Uh, no, I'II take them.

Thank you.

Now, trust me.

Good night, Hudson. Good night, sir.

HARVEY: Harvey.

I just heard from Martha. She won't be coming aboard till 12:00 tomorrow.

(CLEARS TH ROAT) Good night, Harv.

Hudson_. (GASPS)

In the other room. I'm Sleeping here tonight. Oh.

Yes, sir.

Good night, sir. Good night.

Oh! Oh.

May I come in? (GASPS)

Excuse me. My medicine.

(DOORBELL BUZZING) STEWARD: Mr. Hudson?

(GRUNTS)

(DOORBELL BUZZING) Mr. Hudson, your tea, sir.

Oh! Wait a moment! Oh!

Good morning, sir. Congratulations.

Huh.

Good morning, madam. Your tea.

Mmm.

Would you like to order breakfast, sir? Hmm?

Oh.

I think I'II have the oatmeal porridge, the English pork sausages...

Oh, pardon me, madam. What would you like for breakfast?

Eggs and bacon, toast and coffee.

Eggs and bacon, toast and coffee.

(HORNS HONKING)

I hate to disturb you, Mr. Ogden, but there's a little trouble

about Mrs. Hudson's papers having been blown overboard.

They say the marriage is not legal

unless she produces her identification papers.

Well, what do they expect the lady to do,

jump in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and recover her papers?

They were blown overboard.

Unfortunately, there's a report

that a lady stowaway is aboard,

and of course they're taking every precaution.

Well, what's a stowaway got to do with it?

AII that's involved here is a marriage.

You were witness to that, and you married them.

Nevertheless, they want to see the Iady's passport.

Passport? She doesn't need a passport to go ashore in Honolulu.

She's married to an American Citizen.

Quite so. But if her papers of identification are missing

then a marriage at sea is not recognized.

She's an alien and will have to go before an Immigration Board of Inquiry.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

The purser's asked to see you, sir.

Yes, of course. l'll see him right away.

If you'll excuse me, Iadies and gentlemen.

It's time for me to disappear.

Why? The Captain married you and that's a legal fact.

But the marriage has not yet been consummated, sir.

Yet? (SCOFFS)

Hudson, your mind is running in another channel.

Now, the important thing is the papers.

What are you gonna tell them about the papers?

Mr. Ogden didn't tell me anything about papers, sir.

Her identification papers, her birth Certificate, herpasspod!

We've been all through that with you.

Now, what are you gonna tell them?

Oh, that. I shall tell them the truth, as you told me.

As I told you?

No, sir. As you told me to tell it.

Look, I didn't tell you anything. Now, you remember that.

Yes, sir. Now, go ahead.

Well, I can only tell them how I met my first wife.

How you first met your wife. Oh!

Well, it was a breezy afternoon.

I was walking on the top deck,

and there she was, holding down some papers in her lap,

it was love at first sight.

Ugh!

Hurry up and get to the point, Hudson. Yes, sir.

Suddenly, there was a gust of wind, and the papers blew overboard.

Hudson, you have Iiterary talent.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

I think we better go, Mr. Hudson.

The immigration officials are waiting.

No, now wait just one moment.

I think I should go with Hudson.

An excellent idea, Mr. Mears.

Your presence will be efficacious.

Would you like me to go along, too?

No, no, I want you to stay here and look after Natascha.

Don't worry.

Mr. Mears, I think we better go.

Come along, Hudson.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Harvey, you remember what I told you about Honolulu?

You're not going to dive off the boat? Now is the time.

While they're questioning Hudson.

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(CROWD GASPING)

Hey, I'II see you on the beach at Waikiki.

Mmm-hmm.

If I'm far off, you'll jump up and down, then I'II recognize you.

Mmm.

So ifl make it, I'II see you later.

MAN: Hmm. Here's another one. (CROWD MURMURING)

If you make it?

Wait a minute!

What do you mean, if you make it?

I'm scared. What?

And here goes.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(APPLAUDING)

What's going on out there? That's a Hawaiian diving off the boat.

Now, Mr. Hudson, we'd like to see your wife.

I believe she's taking a bath, sir.

Oh, my. How nice.

Maria? Oui?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH)

Ah, Martha! Hello, Harvey.

Oh, what comfortable quarters you have. Oh, yes.

Lovely. Where's Ogden?

Uh, he's up in the lounge with Hudson.

Of course, you know, Hudson's married now.

Hudson married? Oh, really? That's odd.

Yes. Ah, well, the Captain married them.

Can I get you something?

No, it's much too early. (DOORBELL BUZZING)

Captain, this is Mrs. Ogden Mears.

How do you do? Pardon me. How do you do?

We're still waiting for Mrs. Hudson. Oh, she's taking a bath.

Uh, she should be finished by now. I'II go and see.

Well.

Can I get you something, Captain?

No, thanks. But if you don't mind my waiting.

It's quite all right.

(EXHALES)

Hello, Martha. Hello, Ogden.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, you've met the Captain.

Yes, of course. We're looking for Mrs. Hudson.

You see, the immigration officers are out in the lounge

and I don't Iike to keep them waiting.

She's not in the bathroom. I looked all over.

Well, it's very serious.

It means that without her identification papers,

she can't land anywhere.

She doesn't exist.

Well, if she doesn't exist, there's no problem.

Well, I think we should look for her.

It might be a good idea

if you had another look at the bathroom.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Martha, would you excuse us for a moment?

AII right, Captain.

Hey!

Waikiki? DRIVER: Hop in the back, sister.

Thank you!

Whew! That's the strangest thing I've ever known.

She's disappeared.

Well, I think we better search the entire boat.

(SHIP HORN BLOWING)

Good morning, madam.

Congratulations, Hudson. I hear you're married now.

Well, in a way, yes.

Hudson, what do you mean?

The marriage has not yet been consummated.

What is she, an American?

No, madam, she is from Hong Kong.

Chinese? I shouldn't think so, madam,

I believe she is a Russian emigre.

Well, I should like to meet her.

I'II do my best, madam.

(CHUCKLES) Well.

Well, Hudson, it seems as though your wife has disappeared.

Oh, that's awful. Poor Hudson.

I was beginning to grow very fond of her.

Hudson, what have you done to the lady?

Oh, nothing, madam. The marriage was never consummated.

Hudson, you've got "consummated" on the brain.

Well, I think l'll go ashore and do some shopping.

I think I'II go with you, Harvey.

Oh, don't go yet, Ogden. I've just ordered some Iunch,

and there's one or two things I'd like to discuss with you.

Very well, I'II stay and have something with you.

What has madam ordered? A consummated soup, sir.

What's that? (STAMMERING) Consomme, sir.

Cold chicken, asparagus and a bottle of Chablis.

AII right, I'II have the same. I'II see you both later.

At the Waikiki Hotel,

Uh, you may go, Hudson.

Did you hear from Washington?

I, uh, got this letter this morning.

Well, here's the substance of it

"To allay rumors of divorce,

"I think Martha and you should return to the States together.

"I advise this because of my great affection for you both." Etc, etc, etc.

So...

Well, if this arrangement doesn't work out

how will it affect my divorce settlement?

You can put that in escrow.

Unfortunately, Ogden, the only interest I have is money, having had no children.

Am I to blame for that? No.

No, neither one of us is to blame.

The desire for happiness fooled us both.

Happiness, eh?

I was going to say "Iove,"

but I don't think either one of us knows what the word means.

Well, in any case, what are you gonna do about Washington?

Well...

I don't look forward to spending the rest of my life in Saudi Arabia.

Listen, she has long dark hair,

wears a sarong and looks very much like a Hawaiian.

There's a Iot of dames look like that around here.

But she said she'd meet me on the beach at Waikiki.

(CHUCKLES) I think she's kidding you. Maybe.

Where's the beach at Waikiki?

Well, that's the Waikiki Hotel.

Can I check this suitcase, please? Certainly, sir.

(BELL RINGING) What name?

Uh, Harvey Crothers.

Check Mr. Crothers' case into the cloakroom.

Is the Waikiki Beach near here?

It's just outside, sir.

That's strange.

I can't stop! Oh.

Oh! AII this jumping up and down is like running 10 miles.

Harvey, it's so good to see you again.

Let's sit down. (PANTING)

(BOTH EXHALE)

I didn't think I'd see you again

after that dive. It was perfect.

What's happening on the boat?

Oh, they're still waiting for you in the lounge.

And Ogden? He's with his wife.

Yes.

On the way down, I bought you some clothes.

Oh, I know the other ones were too big.

These are smaller.

There's a place you can change right next to the pool.

Meanwhile, l'll book you a room at the hotel.

They might be looking for Mrs. Hudson. Not a chance.

I'II book them under my name.

For the time being, you're Mrs. Harvey Crothers.

Remember me? Mr. Crothers. Yes, sir.

I'd like an outside suite. Certainly, sir. For yourself?

No, for my wife. I'm leaving for the mainland. Very well, sir.

Do you wish to see the rooms now?

Oh, no, I'II wait for my wife.

Fine. Well, here she...

Well! Itdoesn%fH. This is too tight.

(BREATH ES HEAVILY)

I can't breathe. (COUGHS)

You dropped your change.

(CLEARS TH ROAT) Will you sign the register, Mrs. Crothers?

C-R-O... T-H...

She's not here.

Let's have some tea. Yeah.

Ah, there he is.

Harvey, I'm so sorry I'm Iate.

I had to leave Ogden with the immigration authorities.

It seems they're still looking for Hudson's wife.

Ah, yes. (SUITCASES THUD)

There she is.

Oh, Hudson, you haven't been drinking before Iunch, have you now?

The poor man is so distressed since his wife went away.

Do you know that's the third person he's mistaken for his wife?

(CHUCKLES) Oh... I beg your pardon.

Martha, this is my wife, Mrs. Crothers.

Mrs. Ogden Mears. How do you do?

How do you do?

(CLEARS TH ROAT)

You know, Harvey is so secretive.

He never told me a word about his marriage.

Oh, well, there's not much to tell.

We haven't been married long, have we?

But as soon as something develops, we'll let you know.

No, I mean, when did you marry?

(LAUGHS) That's the secret.

Well, however, you must bring your wife to Arabia once we've refurbished the Embassy,

but not before, otherwise you'll have to sleep

in a tent like the rest of us.

A tent? Well, that's rather romantic.

Thatdepends with whom you share it.

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING) Hmm.

Martha, would you like to dance? I'd love it.

It'II give me a chance to give some advice to the Iovelorn.

This is the first chance I've had to speak to you alone.

There's very little time, and I've a Iot to tell you.

Harvey will be staying behind, so I'II be in touch with you through him.

He'll be working on a passport for you.

Martha's coming with me. That's...

That's what I want to talk to you about.

I got a letter from Washington saying that Martha

should go with me to Saudi Arabia

for appearances' sake. Of course.

Please try to understand.

Of course.

For appearances' sake.

For the esteem of people I don't give a damn about.

If I had the guts, I'd rid myself of the whole thing:

Washington, Saudi Arabia and everything.

You can't do that.

Be careful, we're being watched.

The legal eye is upon us.

But you must believe me when I tell you

that this is the first real happiness I've known.

I love you very much.

Your wife looks sad. You think so?

What nonsense. She's not your wife.

Martha, now you're being silly.

Not as silly as you think.

I've been talking to someone who knew her in Hong Kong.

The boat passes here at 11:00.

I'II be on deck imagining that you're sitting here at this table.

Let's dance. I can't.

I must go to my room before your wife returns.

I can't say goodbye. I can't trust myself.

Will you excuse me?

Well, goodbye. Harvey will take care of everything.

AII right. Thank you.

What's happened to Mrs. Crothers?

Oh, she had a splitting headache

and asked to be excused, Martha.

She won't be seeing us off? I don't think so.

She's going straight to her room to bed.

Well, can't we just go up and see her for a moment?

Well, I think it'II be best to let her rest quietly.

Pardon me, madam, but it's time to leave for the boat.

Oh, so soon? Well...

Hudson, Iwill need these three closets

and Mr. Ogden Mears can have the end one.

Very well, madam.

Your big trunks I'm having put in the hold, sir,

so there'II be more room for madam's Wardrobe.

Okay, Hudson.

Voila.

Hudson, have you found your wife yet? Not yet, madam.

Well, surely you're not going to leave without her.

Whatever happens, madam,

I shall deport myself as a husband and a gentleman.

Maria.

Merci.

Oh! What's this?

Hudson, does this belong to your wife?

Ihaven% the faintest idea, madam.

We haven't been married that long.

(CHUCKLES) Oh!

Perhaps you might know something about this, Your Excellency.

It looks like a two-ring Circus.

Ogden, you must be losing your sense of propriety.

You not only humiliate me in front of people,

but you insult my intelligence by introducing that woman as Mrs. Harvey Crothers,

and then again as Mrs. Hudson when she's sleeping here in your Cabin.

As Ambassador to Saudi Arabia,

it is not exactly comme il faut

to include in your entourage the mistress of a gangster.

A prostitute.

I wonder what your fate would have been if you'd been in similar circumstances.

(SHIP HORN BLOWING) (CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(BAND PLAYING AULD LANG SYNE)

(CHEERING)

Hello.

Hello, Harvey? Ogden. Ogden, haven't you Ieft yet?

No, I got off with the pilot boat. Well, what happened?

I don't know. I just couldn't take it.

Aren't you going to Washington? What about your career?

I'd rather be happy than president. Listen, where is everybody?

You know who, your wife. Pardon me, sir. I think you mean my wife.

Hudson's giving me an argument here.

Tell him she came down to the cabaret after you left

and she's been sitting by the window,

looking out at the sea ever since.

Did you tell her the news? Oh, yes.

I told her there was nothing to worry about.

The immigration people have given her the benefit of the doubt.

She's now Hudson's wife, married to an American Citizen.

Listen, don't tell her I'm here. I want to surprise her.

Ogden!

Well, buddy, I hope you're doing the right thing.

Where is she?

Right where you Ieft her, sitting by the window.

Good, listen, I'II see you in the morning.

(TANGO MUSIC PLAYING)

Yes, sir?

I'm looking for a young lady.

Ibeüeve she's sitting alone by the window.

Yes, sir.

(INAUDIBLE)

Ogden!

See, you can't get rid of me.

May I have this dance?