Original subtitles

And people from Boston like that's how we felt.

What about my glasses on the end of your nose and you're reading

'cause you haven't fallen asleep yet, like you're dad.

It's my fantasy.

"It's my fantasy."

You know that the, the tale of that, you said, "That's my fantasy."

What?

- Oh, really? - I feel like we got it.

- Yeah... - Yeah, we got it.

Okay.

Can we get a housekeep, housekeeping up here to go change my fucking sheets...

I'm so sorry, we're in there with our day clothes.

Ugh.

You need to see if it was in my bed, we'd have to do full change out of linen.

Smart... less.

Smart... less.

- So, Jay, for your second guest... - Yeah.

...at a certain point, we're going to go, we got a question from,

from somebody who's also a fan of the show and they're actually here.

Have Bradley walk on...

- Bradley Cooper - Bradley Cooper.

Okay.

Bradley just texted, he said,

"I come out, I sit down and say,

'to be honest, I, I don't really have a question.

I just wanted to sit with you guys.-"

- Great. Even better. - Yeah.

Is that enough of a cover for the original guest

to feel like they're--

I, I want to protect their feelings...

Well, well, he, so he also was very aware of that when,

when we just thought that he doesn't want to, like, step on her,

on her toes, he was very, that was the first thing Bradley said...

Do you think it's a female?

- Well, yes. - Why?

Because somebody said she.

Yeah. Okay.

It only, it narrows it down to half the population...

It, it has to. 52 percent.

You know what? I'm bummed about last night.

It was tough. I just don't want to talk about it.

I mean, I would with you, not with them around.

Yeah, yeah.

No, there he is.

There she is. Oh, that's...

What up, bitch?

Gentlemen, how are we?

The second show was a brutal.

We got killed on social media.

Yeah.

It is to be expected.

Huh?

That's what happens.

We had a conversation.

We're back on track.

And I reminded everybody that we're in show business.

Here. Love you.

We also have a secret weapons guest surprise that I put together,

who's going to come on in the middle.

- Tonight? - Tonight.

So, I thought a little bit further about what the intro should be

for Bradley, so that it's not a wah-wah, because I'm going to have to do it,

is we have a friend who's a huge fan of yours, wanted to meet you,

so come on out and meet blah, blah, blah and then boom, he's on.

And that, that way it makes the guest feel great...

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah, that's... - Cool.

You're cool with that? Okay, good.

I see the theater.

Oh, there's our little, we, we're on the...

- Marquee. - Marquee.

I can feel the energy.

Good morning.

- Hi. - Good morning. Good morning.

Hi.

Holy shit.

- Nice. - Pretty, wow.

Holy...

This is amazing.

Beautiful.

No, I meant that they will be able to get

all the Ozark fans together in one place.

Why don't we go down a size?

Yeah, let's go down a size.

- All right, now... - You know, we'll just hide all the--

- You okay? - Yeah.

I'm just fucking tired.

I, I just did not sleep a lot.

Yeah. We have now almost an hour.

You want to close your eyes?

I don't know.

I'm gonna sleep. You wanna sit in here?

How is this following us everywhere?

I can't, I can't resist.

- Did you sleep, Eli? - Oh, yeah.

- Did you? - I slept till, like, 2:30.

- No way. - Yeah.

Last night just killed me.

I'd just come off that bad show and then stuck at the airport all night.

- It's just, what a blow. - I know, right?

Really kind of sucked the air out of the tour a little bit.

We all have got to find it tonight.

I mean, what a fucking awful evening...

You know, when you're the most tired, you pull...

That's true. That's true.

You guys are going to be, it's going to be a runway...

But that's a lot of rabbits for six hours.

It's going to be a runaway train though. It's gonna be...

It's, what time is it now, five?

Five twenty-six.

So, we have 5:30, 6:30, 7:30, 8:30, 9:30, 10:30, 11:30.

I always worry when things are too good.

- Yeah, about 8 hours. - Just think, tomorrow.

Tomorrow is free, clear.

- I know that's true. - A day of rest.

- Yeah, that's true. - It's the Lord's Day.

- Yeah, yeah... - Yeah.

All right. All right.

Welcome to the Smartless VIP Q

So, I'm Jaime.

My question is for Jason.

I was in Boston for both shows last night.

Okay.

Well, so word on the street is that this was like a cancellation for someone

- who couldn't make it. - Not true.

So what, what was the rationale?

Just like, we, we're going to learn something?

- The rationale was... - I'm so glad you asked.

Well, you know, to be honest, we hear from some of the people that we trust that,

"Hey, you know, it's great that you can get your big, fancy,

famous friends on the show, but it's really great when you guys get people

on the show that, that, you know, are not.

Scientists who's actually taking big swings and changing the world.

Yeah.

And sometimes it's not a big shiny person, but it's someone

who's actually doing something really, really cool.

And I think last night that crowd was late

and they'd been drinking or what?

I don't know.

Uh, and they were angry that it wasn't, you know, and, and...

Yeah, they're from Boston...

That's the way the show goes.

You know, we went on tour with the podcast.

Last night was the podcast...

Right, right.

And it was, it's a grab bag.

It's always a mystery guest.

It was great. And he was awesome.

- He really was. - So...

Bye to you.

You guys thank you so much...

Thank you so much.

So, two shows last night in Boston, went to the airport,

10:45, supposed to get on the plane.

We eventually took off at 5:45 this morning...

Oh, come on.

And we got to the hotel this morning at 7:30.

- Are you kidding? - No.

It wasn't weather, was it?

- Yeah... - No, it was his...

- It was weather and... - All his luggage.

- All of his products... - Luggage.

All of his clothes.

And, and, and I said, "Where are my 100 Grand Bars?

The whole plan was that we're going to finish the second show.

Not even go backstage, just straight to the private plane.

They had two deicing trucks catch on fire...

Wow.

So, we sat in the airport from 10:30 at night until six in the morning.

Ten-thirty at night until six in the morning? Yeah.

Ouch!

- Ow. - Oh. Oh, my God.

No.

There's, there's nothing worse than thinking that it couldn't be more

convenient than having our own jet plane.

And then, the next thing you know, they're putting a blanket over you...

watching the sun come up.

I got to do all my audience kills before every show

and I can just go, "Her gone, him gone, them out, them out."

And I just do it purely by just gut.

That guy, sleeper cell.

Hey, we're going to hold the show 15 minutes to get everybody in.

Okay.

I'm just so, my nerves are fried.

I'm just exhausted.

Yeah. You'll find it.

You want to do a couple of laps around the table?

Yes.

Oh, my God, SmartLess...

All right. Quick power naps, guys.

Oi.

Ten minutes to showtime.

Ten, let's cut that in half, dog.

Yeah, can we do five?

No, well, let's, they got a, they got a message.

They got a reason for it.

It's getting crowds in.

There were a lot of people still loading in last night when we started too.

Is that what all the chatter was?

Early on. The chatter later...

- No, I think it was-- - ...was we were being booed,

quite literally.

I think it was, there were a lot of people coming.

Texted like, "My whole section left."

Bullshit.

Well, great. You know, who...

That's not that many people.

You know who doesn't trolled on Twitter?

People that loved it, which is most of them.

Wait, whose guest was Max?

- It was Jason's guest. - Ha.

Yeah, wait until you hear the chatter after me.

What's that old fucker doing out there?

Tonight, it's my guest.

So, I get the middle.

That's not always good news.

I am very excited about my guest tonight.

I am, my heart is pounding, pounding.

And it's not just the diet Red Bull.

All right, granddad needs notes too.

Gang, dash...

Wow, you, you work hard on these...

No, not these... Not the punctuation, too.

You don't have to...

We've been going to different cities, and in each city,

we are trying to invite a guest that is part of its fabric,

its spirit, its soul.

This guy, so now you know it's a man...

Uh-huh.

Checks the boxes.

- He is also-- - Giuliani!

Is it Giuliani?

Don't, don't turn them against us already.

He's also an enormous hero to each of us.

Oh.

He is comedy royalty.

- I know exactly who it is. - Bullshit.

You don't know who this is...

- I know. - Fuck you.

Then don't guess it yet.

- Hold on. - Mouth it to me.

- And he is... - No.

...the undisputed best at what he does.

Sean keeps going like this. "Martin Short."

Martin Short.

Short.

- Are you finished? - Sorry.

Gang, dash.

Look...

- Thank you, Sean. - All right.

He's the undisputed best at what he does.

No one better.

Period. He has 52 Emmy nominations to prove it, along with 12 wins.

He's got a Kennedy Center Honor, a Mark Twain Award.

Will, Sean, Brooklyn, please welcome Mr. David Letterman.

Wow!

Come on, Dave.

Oh!

Wow!

Oh, my God.

- Holy shit, right? - Jason.

I'm, I'm sitting backstage listening to you guys...

Thinking about the mistake you made?

No, and I'm, all I can think of is I hope this doesn't cut into my time.

Yeah, sorry.

We have run a little long.

I, I should say that, and I think I speak for Sean,

but it is such an honor to have you here.

You have always truly been one of my...

- Oh, please. - You know what?

He said he'd speak for me, but I've never said anything like that.

Oh.

Sean, the last few times you were on the show,

you came on with such enviable energy, such good-natured,

likable excellence as a human.

That's the coke.

- Yeah and... - Fair enough.

when, whenever we would be talking after the show, the comment was always,

"Why doesn't Sean have his own talk show?"

Well, that's very kind of you.

And if I ever did it, you are one of the biggest reasons why I would do it.

The biggest.

Yeah, you are such a hero of all of us.

Thank you, enough horse shit. Thank you.

Now, you were on the show many, many, many times and wow, can the guy talk?

It was like talking to Charles Dickens for God sake.

Uh, and then at 10:45, the people would be in the broadcast center

editing because he had gone so long.

I've always wanted to ask you this.

Some of your colleagues visit with a guest before they come out.

You never did that when...

Never would do that. No.

So there was a question 10, 15 minutes ago,

"You're going to go down and say hi to Dave?"

And I said, "Well, no, he, he never did that with any of his guests

I think, so I probably shouldn't."

- No, I, I appreciate. - Yes, it was absolutely.

In my case, I can't speak for the world, but in my case, that was a good decision.

So 10 minutes ago, you're down

in the dressing room, what are you doing?

Everything I know about, uh, uh, well, that's none of your business.

But everything I know about running a talk show, I learned from Johnny Carson.

Mmm.

- I want the, oh, hi, welcome to the house moment... - Sure, right.

And that initial electricity or lack there of should,

should come naturally.

I will watch reruns with my husband.

I'm gay, Dave.

I, I would watch.

Still?

Yeah, still.

Yeah.

I am taking every medication, it's not working.

Okay.

- Okay. - Oh, my God.

This is awful.

By the way, if he gets canceled, Dave, will you fill in for Will?

Dave, you just missed that cancel culture, just at the end, yes,

it was happening, but not at the, at the rate it's happening now.

- Right. - Right.

Um, that's all.

Yeah, do you think the writing...

No, no.

- Do you think... - Good point.

- do you think that your writing process... - Good point.

Do you think that your writing process with your staff each night

would have been different in today's culture?

Yes. Yes, without question.

And my personal feeling about this is...

Careful.

And you hear quite a lot of discussion about, "Oh, are we too woke or is,

is, are we canceling too quickly or are we overcorrecting?"

And I feel like, you know, let's overcorrect and see what happens.

There are many, many things a person needs to be smart

and sensitive about that heretofore perhaps we were not.

- Right, right... - For sure.

- For sure. - Yeah, yeah, agree, agree.

You know, everybody knows the grind of a talk show that

you work your balls off like five days a week.

You're always there.

And because of that, you tend to have a more reclusive life.

And people are kind of amazed when you appear anywhere because it's like,

"Oh my God, Dave, it's like a magic trick."

- It's like, somehow-- -"Oh my God, he's walking upright."

But what do you think has changed since your show?

You chose to end your show from then, and now,

have you evolved into other than your Netflix, other than business-wise,

what do you reflect upon now and think differently about?

Your Honor, can I hear the question again, please?

- Is that what I sounded like? - That was not even close...

- That was better. - oh, that was...

So, it's worse than that?

That was Reader's Digest compared to you.

I will say that, you know, many, many things that are more important

to me now than I knew they were when I had a show.

I, I really want to know, what'd you do today?

Are you an early riser?

- Let's start there. - No, not an early riser.

- Really? - I go to bed late.

I stay up late watching climbing movies.

- Truly? - Oh... oh...

Oh, no, no, shut up, Will.

Will, oh, God, he loves climbing stuff.

- Will, wait. - Alpinist. 14 Peaks.

What about Solo?

Yeah, 14 peaks.

- Excellent. Yeah. - And we're good.

Did you get heckled a lot last night...

- For the physicist? - Yeah, well we did.

I mean, if, if, if, you know, the sound of seats emptying counts as heckling, sure.

Sure...

Clearly, there were quite a few people that left our set.

Let's go, Carol.

It's your, it's your first, Ellen.

I will say there is something about

Mount Everest that's magical to me.

I, I know quite a lot about Mount Everest from the two dozen films

I've watched about climbing Mount Everest.

- Would you? - Oh, God, no.

- Really? - Like, well, well, what do you like about the...

The scenery, typically lovely.

And the kind of things I will not see probably in my lifetime.

Yeah, I felt that way like when I went to Paris for the first time,

I was like, "Well, there's an Eiffel Tower.

It's just like every movie and postcard.

Got it. I'm ready to go."

Well, when you're climbing Mount Everest,

every, every film about climbing Mount Everest, did,

I'm sorry, did I lean on your laugh there?

No.

You get into what they call the death zone...

The death zone, yeah.

- Where, where your body starts consuming itself... - Yeah.

And, and the air is so thin and you get dizzy and you get block-headed.

And I heard one man describe he was coughing up tissue from his own throat.

Oh.

So you see why I can't live without 'em.

Now, you don't do climbing, right?

I don't do climbing either.

My dad climbed Kilimanjaro when he was about 73...

Oh, 19,000 feet.

What?

Yeah, I always tell these guys stuff about my dad and they're like, "What?"

And I'm like, "Well, you never ask."

You guys never ask about my dad.

Well...

- It's not, it's not a happy story. - Oh.

How do you describe a black hole?

You know what I mean?

Listen, uh, I don't want to take any more of your time.

- You're just an incredible guy. - I know...

I mean, 58 minutes into this, you don't want to take any more of my time?

David Letterman, everybody.

Thank you.

- Woo. - Thank you.

Oh, my God. I'm still...

I was shaking, man.

- I was shaking when he came out. - Vibrating, right?

So, you earned this one.

Oh, my God.

That's a mind blower.

It was the craziest, most surreal...

And I was like...

I know. Isn't it wild?

You know, I really tried to be in the moment because my go-to thing

in my head my whole life is to just be like, "Oh, it's no big deal."

You know what I mean?

It's the thing where it's like,

"I can't believe this is happening to me."

So, um, all of this anyway, by the way.

But so I deflect it because I don't feel like I deserve it kind of thing.

And then, but today I really tried to just be like, in the moment,

just look at him and go, "He's sitting right here."

And then I said to Will as he was walking up, I go, "Look at him exit,

we'll never have this view again of,

of this icon just kind of walking."

Hello. Hello.

- Hi. - Hi.

I, I, I just want to thank you, um, and I'm serious

for the last year, the people that I know, they all say,

"Have you been listening to SmartLess?

You should try and be on Smartless."

- Okay, Dave, 3, 2, 1. - Thank you very much.

Thank you, gentlemen.

- Thanks again. - Thank you. Thank you.

Good luck and continued success.

- Hi, honey. - Hi.

Incredible. Congratulations.

Thanks, bro...

- Hi, pal... - Hi.

Have you ever met Sean?

- No, we've never met. - How are you?

Lovely to meet you.

How was it? It was good?

Great.

We needed it after last night.

Rough.

It was rough, but anyway, is what it is, fucking, you know.

Yeah.

And then, but this tonight was just like the, like the perfect antidote.

And it was just like, "Oh."

I love you, guys.

Sean, thank you so much...

- Best night ever. - Well, we'll chat later.

- Are we going? - Yep.

- We loved that so much. - That was so sick.

Here's the reality, it's awkward no matter what.

- Correct. - Like, vibing out.

This is the hometown, you know, team.

It may just breeze through an hour and just so, you know, don't be like,

"Oh shit, there's 10 minutes" when that's--

Because you're, because I was thinking, if we did bring you out

at minute 30, you're now obligated to talk about...

What we're thinking, we just vibe it...

That's what I'm saying, but I'm saying vibe it, don't go like 30...

We might save you for the cherry on top.

If that, is what I'm saying.

If it's going well, then like...

No, no, no, no. Don't worry.

- You're coming out. - You're coming out.

- It's a question of when. - We're going to come out.

Hey, listen, I've never really fully noticed this before until tonight.

How incredible this is.

Your hair on the outside of your ears.

No, it looks fucking great.

Yeah, it goes over the ears, not--

- You look feral. - You should let it grow.

- He looks fucking feral. - No, I like, I love it. It's incredible.

You look feral as shit.

You're the wild man in this trio.

When are we, when are we walking?

- At 10:05. - So, we got 10 minutes.

So, it's just that I'm, I'm, I've been friends with these guys

for 20 years, and he just wants to be a saint.

Wanted to say hi...

- He's just in the neighborhood. - We're so slammed.

Kind of hope you run into a door again.

Hey, hey...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I better just put out.

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, my God, wait...

Oh, no.

And I'm telling you, it's a good guest.

Stuff's been a challenge for the last few years, but there are heroes

out there that are working tirelessly to try to make it better.

We got one of them here tonight.

She's one of yours, New York.

She's born in the Bronx, educated in Boston, lives a lot in D.C.

And in fact, at 29, she was the youngest elected ever to the Congress.

Guys, welcome Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Woah!

Oh!

Thank you for having me!

This is crazy.

I wish he brought on somebody with opinions.

Well, first of all, how often do you get to live in your home city

and versus living in D.C.?

This is one of the most common questions I get asked.

- Well. - It depends on the year...

Yup, off to a great start.

- Right now, it's about half and half because of COVID. - Yeah.

Congress is able to vote by proxy.

Is it like a, a, a button on Zoom, you just go, yes or no.

It's yay.

- I'm sorry. - It's yay or nay.

But imagine being a millennial in Congress

and having all of your colleagues that have been there for decades

trying to do Zoom for the first time...

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I swear, it's been a journey.

How old were you when you did your first primary or whatever?

You were like 27?

I was 27 when I started...

- That's crazy. - Yeah, that's...

I mean, 27, Sean, you were making millions of dollars

a year on Will and Grace.

You know, like everybody's got humble beginnings, right Sean?

Yeah, and by the way, and still renting.

No.

So, wait. Let's say there's a subject that you would like to pull one of the Republicans

over and meet in the middle.

How does that happen?

- Do you call... - Or do you text?

"You up, let's meet in the middle."

A little bit of all of it.

There are group chats, like that's...

- Really? - Oh yeah, that's a thing.

Oh, put me in one.

- Yeah. - Wait a minute,

- that's a dick pic. - But sometimes...

Yeah.

But it is kind of like a high school cafeteria, where sometimes

you're talking to somebody and somebody's like,

"Well, you know, you should talk to that guy over there."

And it's very informal in that way.

God, I would do really well there.

You know, there's rules about being on the House floor.

You can't, you can't wear coats.

Why?

You can't wear coats, you can't wear denim, you, until very recently,

women could not wear sleeveless dresses.

- Oh. - Oh, God.

Yeah. It's just, you know, it's old school like that.

So there's something called a cloakroom.

- Oh, here we go. - Harry Potter.

Yes. There's a lot of Harry Potters out there...

No, no, Sean, it's not Harry Potter shit. No.

No, but he's right, it does sound dope as hell.

Back in the day, uh, kind of, you know,

in the 1800s and whatnot, members of Congress,

they would drop their cloaks there.

There used to be chests where you put it up

and you pull out huge bottles of booze

and put the booze in the thing, uh, before you went on the House floor.

- Little booze cubby. - They don't have this anymore, but that's how it was.

And so that's like this informal socializing space.

And does it feel a little high school-ish where like,

you know, there are people there that you don't get along with,

they don't get along with you,

they can go nameless. But I mean, like what happens when you pass her

in the hallway, you know, like,

is there a look, is there ever like, "Hey, you know what?

- Let's hang out this weekend." - Yeah.

"We can fix this together," and, you know?

Some people, like, actually want to get to know each other.

Um, but yeah, I mean, some I mean, listen,

what happens is that you're sitting right next to a person,

and it's a really bizarre experience because the reality in front of them

is like completely divorced from the rhetoric

and like all this other stuff that sometimes they go on TV and say.

It's weird, but it's like completely divorced.

- And there's this one member of Congress... - Who is it?

I won't say.

He would call me or ask me a question or something,

and I would walk over to th Republican side of the aisle,

sit next to him and freak out all the other Republicans in the area.

They'd be like...

Mmm, mmm...

And when January 6th happened, I just didn't really go over

to that side of the aisle much anymore.

And he was like, "Hey, Cortez, why don't you sit down and talk to me no more?"

And I'm like, "Bro."

Yeah.

Yeah, shit went down.

Remember the bullet holes that were right there?

- Yeah. - My God, like...

Remember how you haven't denounced it once since the day?

Yeah, like, why?

Why? Like...

Right.

Why did they all leave once they got in?

Is it because they couldn't find you guys?

They were hiding in the cloakroom.

Did they leave because you guys were properly stowed away?

Well, like Harry Potter.

- Yeah. - Like Hogwarts.

Now you got his attention.

It's very Byzantine.

It's actually really hard to navigate.

Yeah, that was a crazy, crazy day.

- And I think we all... we all remember-- - Oh, was it, Will?

Well, we all remember where we were that day.

Jason, do you remember, where you were?

I was with you on the golf course.

Why do you tell yourself...

Well, why do you get on your high horse

about it with me?

Well, because you said it was a crazy day,

like, we get it.

Oh, oh, Sean, there's look, look at the epilepsy.

The epilepsy is coming on.

Just close your eyes, angel.

We got a light flipping out.

We got a light flicker...

Go tap it and it's gone...

It's gone.

Okay, so you're spending 99 percent of your time

being super duper smart.

What do you do to be a dumbass?

Because work is so crazy and, and like,

emotional, etc.,

I have to watch, like, dumb television.

Yeah, yeah, please say Ozark.

No, like...

I like to watch great comedies.

One of my favorite is a film that a mutual friend of ours is in.

And this guy who is in one of my favorite

comedy movies, comedy trilogies, um, it's not him.

Oh, wait.

But then, let's thank him, anyways.

It is him.

Ladies and gentlemen, Bradley Cooper.

Ooh!

Oh, Bradley...

- I had to fix the light. - Oh, thank you very much.

That was a setup?

No, I saw, I saw...

- Okay, that was so... - That was perfect.

Oh, my God.

So, Bradley called and he said,

"I hear you guys are coming to town.

Let's all hang out."

And we said, "Well, we're only in town for a few minutes."

He said, "Well, let me come by and say hi before the show."

And I said, "Well, no, then they're going to know the guest."

I said, "The only time we got is on stage,

so please come out and say hi."

Yeah.

That's amazing.

We kicked off this whole tour in D.C.

and it's like, wow, there's so much history

and so much respect once you go there and see it...

Yeah, man, it's the capitol.

No.

Sean, Sean kept going.

He kept going, he's on a tangent going,

-"What is this place?" -"This is where they make the laws."

"This is where they make," and he's, like literally,

"they make the laws there.

They make the laws."

Right?

I mean, this, guys...

And we're like, "Yeah, we know, man."

I'm like this.

I just want to say one thing.

And these guys have all been gun slingers for 20 years.

I mean, they used to talk about, like, our dreams

and would we ever be able to fulfill them.

Yeah, I could only imagine

how fulfilling it is to be able to celebrate

a friend's victory when you know

what they went through to get that.

You know, you're not meeting someone

at the peak when you've met someone when they were just,

you know, at their lowest sometimes...

I'm glad you mentioned Teen Wolf, too, because...

That took a lot of guts.

- Will, she never, she never said Teen Wolf. - She didn't say it?

Okay. Forget it.

Forget it. Forget it. Forget it.

And that's how a bill becomes a law.

Did you know that was Bradley?

I did not know that was...

I tell you, we were standing there

and he was, he was like...

It took the crowd a minute.

- To figure out who it was. - Yeah.

Because I go take, I go...

It took Jason a minute to figure out who it was.

- Well, did they even-- - Well, by the way, you too, you started the intro,

and then I see the guy's ass, and then I see

Sean's reaction. I was like, "What the fuck?"

And then I'm looking at him like, "Is this guy fucking for real."

It literally was his boots and I am like, "Oh."

Did they hear his name?

Did they hear the intro or did they have to wait to see?

- I don't think they heard. - It seemed like it kinda went

through the crowd.

Why are you sad?

Oh, okay. Sorry.

Thank you.

- I can't wait to see your movie. - Oh, okay.

Now, bye-bye, guys.

Yeah, people that chase cars are, are bad news.

I just came up from D.C., and I got AOC, boo.

Like, what the fuck are these people talking about?

- That's pretty sad. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a mystery guest, you get what you get

and you don't get upset.

Yeah.

When we first started talking about this tour,

I'm the idiot that was like,

"Hey, do we need to put like a projection screen in the back?"

And Sam said very sweetly,

"You're forgetting that you three are enough.

Like you three coming out,

that's what they bought a ticket to see."

How fucking wrong was he?

And how about, how quickly did we buy it?

Yeah, I know.

Apparently we're not enough.

We're canceling Madison.

Hold on.

Yeah. You wanted to cancel the entire show.

I freaked out.

Well, because I triggered

a reckoning that, that we went through by, by inviting

what would be probably an unsurprising guest on the podcast.

But on stage, there were some crickets,

and, more importantly, some Twitter feedback

that gave us a little scare.

So we have thought about our upcoming guests.

And you have made a pivot.

Yes, to...

- Don't tell us. - No, no, I won't.

I would never tell.

You made a pivot away from...

Yeah, away from that to, to, to someone

that would maybe as we're learning

be an appeal to this particular tour that...

Well, also just to understand the idea of, of bringing it

making it more of a show as you had said,

like making it more of a...

I'd hate to put both us and her in a repeat

situation and as we're, like you said, as we're learning.

And in your process of that pivot,

you ended up revealing to us who that guest was.

You've talked to her since, have you?

And how was she about it?

- Fantastic. - Really?

Yeah, we were good friends, so she's like, totally yeah,

like I'll just come on the podcast.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Pretty gracious of her. - Because I was thinking it might be semi-classy

of us might be to follow up with a little email

or text now that we know who the guest was.

Who has time for a text?

Then, I got to pick up my phone

and I got a face ID and then I go...

what's the number?

And then, I got to fucking like click, click, click...

- Face ID. - And before you know.

And it, it doesn't read because you're in a hat...

Hey, I'm just saying this curling isn't going to watch itself, man.

- Curling. - Sweep.

Sweep.

Hurry, hurry hard, hurry,

hard, hard, hard.

Now leave it,

leave it.

Okay, I think I know what I want here.

It's a Bibb lettuce salad.

And one of the protein options is turkey meatballs.

You ever had a meatball in a salad?

No. In a salad?

I'm going to do that. Maybe a poached egg in there, too.

You're going to do all that?

Why, does that sound fatty?

Actually, I had three eggs this morning

- so I'm not gonna do that. - Did you bring your fat jeans too?

Yeah, I'm wearing them right now.

Turkey meatballs. How about and salmon?

- Or is that gross? - That's gross.

Do I want a smoothie on top of a salad,

or is that a bomb?

Get it.

Because I don't want to shower again today.

- You, what, here's an issue. -"Is that a bomb?"

You don't need to shower every time.

Not everybody in the world showers every time they

- drop a deuce, man. - Get a smoothie, get a smoothie, so you have it.

And if you're showering every time, then the problem's bigger.

Yeah.

Do you get some fingerling potatoes?

I did, wait, nuts for nuts milkshake.

Are you done? No?

- You want it one more time? - Maybe.

Let me just... I will just see if I can do this.

Did you want a second lunch?

Did...

- All good, man? - Yeah. Sorry.

How is your letter to the kitchen going?

It won't let me click the add order, add order.

Hi, Crystal. Um, we're trying to make a lunch order

on one of the iPads up here in 2411, um,

and it's not going through.

So should I just kind of read it to you?

Okay.

This is... God, I love it when they call me Mr. Umbguy.

Her name on the thing is D...

- Umbguy. - Umbguy.

Yes, Mr. Umbguy.

No, no, no, no, no. It is, it's, it's just, it's a, it's a fake name.

And the first initial is D, and the, the hilarious joke is dumb guy.

He's explaining it to the...

Yes, okay, let's start with one Bibb lettuce salad, please.

Add turkey meatballs.

Okay, let's just add some chicken to it, please.

And the dressing on the side, please.

Can we add one chocolate chip cookie...

Oh, wait.

Get a bunch of chocolate chip cookies.

Okay.

Change that to four chocolate chip cookies.

Yeah, come on. We're all going to eat, everyone's going to have some.

Yeah. I see an order here for braised short ribs.

That's me.

And then I see a mistake here for a Caesar salad?

Caesar salad, chopped and tossed, please. No egg.

The diner would like it chopped and tossed, please.

I then have a smashed and herbed fingerling potatoes for...

No, do they have French fries instead or no?

Oh, the shit pig would like to know

if you have French fries instead?

No.

What about some truffles for the pig?

That's a yes, no.

No, regular fries, regular fries.

Just regular French fries.

And, boy, someone would like an apple cranberry crumble.

And then, also a black and white cookie shake.

And then, um, we'd also like...

...a burger medium, well.

You need to get another piece of paper, I'll bet.

- The pen ran out. - Yeah, okay, we'll wait.

They're tracking down another cow to slaughter.

They've, they've got to hire another sous chef.

Okay.

Yeah, no, we're going to go back to cow, um, a burger.

- Medium well. - Medium well.

Ketchup only.

Ketchup only.

- And nothing else on it. - And nothing else on it.

But the ketchup comes on the side.

No cheese.

So, he just wants a burger and bun.

- With ketchup. - With ketchup, right.

And, unless they have American cheese, American cheese.

Do you have American?

Make sure it's not Canadian.

Fries.

- Regular fries. - So, regular fries.

- Diet Coke. - Diet Coke.

Right American cheese on it.

Yeah, I think American...

Go for it.

- No, no. - No other toppings.

Zero.

- Uh, Diet Coke. - Diet Coke, yes.

Ironically enough and then the fellow

that ordered the black and white cookie shake,

the braised short ribs, the apple cranberry crumble,

would like a full sugar Coca Cola.

This order is taking so long, it's, it's dinner now.

You don't have any chess paddles down there, do you?

Okay.

If you find any before you send up the cart,

could you include?

Hi.

Hi, papa.

Come, give me a hug.

Come.

We'll look out the window.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

By the way, do you want to have a little bit of treat?

Yeah.

Okay.

Heart melter.

Mmm.

You're going to fill up on the short rib

and not have enough of your salad.

I thought you were going to say not enough room for my shake.

Whose shoes are those?

Ah!

You're walking, and you're so big!

Okay, ready?

Yay!

Okay. I have a normal drink.

Okay. Here we go.

Oh, oh, what the heck?

Deni, you're going to have a drink?

Yeah.

Okay, let's see.

Wa, wa, wa...

Well, wa, wa, wa...

Oh, you got it, I know sometimes, it is embarrassing when you do a bit.

Did you poop?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Pee-ew.

Does the baby need a shower?