Original subtitles

Paul Evans: * I CAN LAUGH *

* WHEN THINGS AIN'T FUNNY *

* HA HA HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ME *

* YEAH, I CAN SMILE *

* WHEN I AIN'T GOT NO MONEY *

* HA HA HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ME *

[ADVANCES FILM IN CAMERA]

* IT MAY SOUND SILLY *

* BUT I DON'T CARE *

* I GOT THE MOONLIGHT *

* I GOT THE SUN *

* I'VE GOT THE STARS ABOVE *

* ME AND MY FILLY *

* WELL, WE BOTH SHARE *

* THIS SLAPPY-GO-HAPPY *

* HAPPY-GO-LUCKY LOVE *

* WELL *

WAIT!

* LIFE IS SWEET, WHOA *

* SWEET AS HONEY *

* HA HA HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ME *

* HA HA HA HA HA HA *

* AH HA HA HA HA HA *

ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME?

* HA HA HA HA HA HA *

* AH HA HA HA HA HA *

HMM.

* IT MAY SOUND SILLY *

* BUT I DON'T CARE *

* I GOT THE MOONLIGHT *

* I GOT THE SUN *

* I'VE GOT THE STARS ABOVE *

* ME AND MY FILLY *

* WELL, WE BOTH SHARE *

* THIS SLAPPY-GO-HAPPY *

* HAPPY-GO-LUCKY LOVE *

* WELL *

* LIFE IS SWEET, WHOA, YEAH *

* SWEET AS HONEY *

* HA HA HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ME *

HEY!

HEY!

MY HAIR!

HEY!

POLICE!

SOMEBODY HELP!

WAIT, THE BUS, WAIT!

* HA HA HA HA HA HA *

* AH HA HA HA HA HA *

* IT MAY SOUND SILLY *

* BUT I DON'T CARE *

* I GOT THE MOONLIGHT *

* I GOT THE SUN *

* I'VE GOT THE STARS ABOVE *

* ME AND MY FILLY *

* WELL, WE BOTH SHARE *

* THIS SLAPPY-GO-HAPPY *

* HAPPY-GO-LUCKY LOVE *

* WELL *

* LIFE IS SWEET, WHOA, YEAH *

* SWEET AS HONEY *

* HA HA HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ME *

* IT MAY SOUND SILLY *

* BUT I DON'T CARE *

* I GOT THE MOONLIGHT *

* I GOT THE SUN *

* I'VE GOT THE STARS ABOVE *

* ME AND MY FILLY *

* WELL, WE BOTH SHARE *

* THIS SLAPPY-GO-HAPPY *

* HAPPY-GO-LUCKY LOVE *

* WELL *

* LIFE IS SWEET, WHOA, YEAH *

* SWEET AS HONEY *

* HA HA HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ME *

GRRRRR.

* HA HA HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ME *

* HA HA HA HA HA HA *

YOU'RE LATE, PECKER.

SORRY, MR. BOZAK.

I WAS OUT TAKING PICTURES.

LATE IS LATE NO MATTER WHAT YOU WERE DOING.

HERE, FINISH THIS ORDER.

[TAKES PICTURE]

[SIGHS]

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

AHEM.

PECKER!

YOU GOT CUSTOMERS.

HERE YOU GO, MISS EMILY.

AND DON'T FORGET TO COME TO MY SHOW.

YEAH, WELL...

REMEMBER, PECKER, THIS AIN'T NO ART GALLERY.

IT'S A RESTAURANT.

YEAH, OKAY.

AND YOUR FRIENDS BETTER BUY SOMETHING TOMORROW,

OR I'LL THROW THEM OUT.

YEAH, MR. BOZAK.

[SQUEAKING]

PECKER.

THANK YOU, MA'AM.

ASSHOLE.

HOPE TO SEE YOU TOMORROW.

BYE.

WHOO!

HERE YOU GO, PECKER-MAN. SPECIAL DELIVERY.

WHOA, MAN. WHERE'D YOU GET THIS?

I GOT MYSELF A 5-FINGER DISCOUNT.

DUDE, YOU'RE GONNA GET POPPED.

NOT ME, BRO.

I'M INVISIBLE.

YOU READY TO PLAY?

Both: SHOPPING FOR OTHERS!

* I'M A NUT, I'M A NUT *

* MY LIFE DON'T EVER GET IN A RUT *

* THE HEAD ON MY SHOULDERS IS SO LOOSE *

OHH!

HEY, YOU!

BRATS.

* I'M A NUT *

[TAKES PICTURE]

[TAKES PICTURE]

[TAKES PICTURE]

Woman: NEXT IN LINE, PLEASE.

[CUSTOMERS ARGUING]

WOULD YOU HURRY UP, PLEASE?

THIS IS NOT MINE.

WELL, I DON'T CARE IF IT'S NOT--

THIS IS NOT MINE.

Woman: I WOULDN'T EAT THESE RICE CAKES.

WHAT IS THIS?

I DIDN'T BUY THIS.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY BUTT.

UHH!

I DON'T EAT MEAT.

I'M A VEGETARIAN.

JUST HOLD ON. I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

I'M SORRY.

VOID THAT RECEIPT.

IT'S OKAY, MA'AM.

JUST A MINUTE, LADY.

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE?

SOME JERK OVER IN THE PRODUCE DEPARTMENT.

Manager: HEY, YOU!

HEY, YOU!

STOP, THIEF!

SOMEBODY HELP ME.

YOU GONNA PAY FOR THAT?

AAH!

[DOOR OPENS]

Pecker: HI, SHELLEY.

PECKER, I GOT FLUFF AND FOLD DUTIES.

OKAY. JUST A FEW PIN-UP SHOTS.

YOU CAN'T WORK EVERY SECOND OF YOUR LIFE, YOU KNOW.

OKAY, BUT I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY

FOR YOUR STUPID ART.

I GOTTA REFILL THE CHANGE MACHINES,

UNPACK THE MINI-SOAPS.

BEAUTIFUL.

PECKER, HOW COULD I BE BEAUTIFUL

WITH ALL THE DIRT I PUT UP WITH?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT YOU SURE ARE.

Shelley: SEE HIM?

RING AROUND THE COLLAR.

OKAY, CHIN UP.

LEAN INTO THE LIGHT. OKAY.

AND HER.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE B.O. STAINS

ON HER BLOUSES.

YOU'RE SO SEXY WHEN YOU WORK. DO YOU KNOW THAT?

HOW CAN I BE SEXY

WHEN I KNOW THAT SHE HAS DINGLEBERRIES?

SHE DOES?

YES SIREE, BOB.

YOU'RE MY VENUS DE MILO. YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU'RE CRAZY. YOU SEE ART WHEN THERE'S NOTHING THERE.

HEY, BUDDY, NO SITTING ON THE WASHING MACHINES.

[SLAM]

AND YOU, NO SLAMMING DOORS ON THE DRYER, EITHER.

YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME DEAF?

ONE MORE SHOT.

OH, GOD, IT'S A PECKER MOMENT.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU CAN'T DYE YOUR CLOTHES IN HERE!

I DON'T HAVE ANY FALL COLORS.

LAUNDROMATS HAVE RULES, YOU KNOW?

CAN'T YOU READ THE SIGN?

GET OUT, AND TAKE YOUR TIRED WARDROBE SOMEPLACE ELSE!

YOU ARE BARRED FROM THE SPIN N' GRIN LAUNDROMAT

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

LOOK, PECKER.

I JUST KILLED A WORM.

I GOT YOU SOMETHING.

GOODY.

LET'S GO SAY HI TO MOM.

OH, I DON'T KNOW, JOYCE.

OH, MISS BETTY,

I THINK IT LOOKS VERY FASHIONABLE.

YOU KNOW, THE LAYERED LOOK IS IN THIS YEAR.

Pecker: HI, MOM.

HEY, PECK.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, PECKER?

LOOKS COOL, MISS BETTY.

I FOUND A PAIR OF CALVIN KLEIN UNDERPANTS, TOO.

WOW. GOOD FOR YOU.

OUTSIDER AL, MISS BETTY, GET TOGETHER.

Miss Betty: COME ON, AL.

Joyce: GO ON, AL.

OH, NOW THERE'S A GOOD-LOOKING COUPLE.

Miss Betty: FRESH!

Joyce: OH, SIR, EVERYTHING ON THAT RACK IS HALF PRICE.

CHECK THE TAG AND DIVIDE BY 2.

EVERY DAY IS A SALE HERE.

Miss Betty: OH, JOYCE,

YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO MAKE HOMELESS PEOPLE FEEL GOOD

ABOUT HOW THEY LOOK.

THANKS, HON. WE KNOW HOW TO MAKE A DOLLAR HOLLER

HERE AT THE BARGAIN HUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS SAY, MISS BETTY.

IF YOU'VE GOT 15 CENTS IN YOUR POCKET,

I CAN MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS.

I WANT MORE CANDY.

LITTLE CHRISSY,

YOU JUST HAD A CANDY BAR.

YOUR TEETH ARE GONNA ROT RIGHT OUT OF YOUR HEAD.

I SAID I WANT CANDY!

LITTLE CHRISSY.

DON'T MIND MISS TOOTH DECAY.

SHE'S ALL SUGARED UP.

OH, AIN'T THAT A BEAUT?

25 CENTS. DO YOU WANT A BAG?

NO. I'LL WEAR IT OUT.

Chrissy: DIDN'T I SAY THE WORD "CANDY"?

I LOVED THE SEVENTIES, TOO.

SOMEBODY PLEASE

GIVE ME SOME CANDY!

WOULD YOU MIND TAKING LITTLE CHRISSY HOME

FOR ME, PECKER?

SHE'S BEEN AGGRAVATING ME ALL DAY.

YEAH, SURE, MOM. COME ON, LITTLE CHRISSY.

Joyce: OH, PECKER, I, UH...

I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD USE THIS FOR YOUR SHOW.

OH, YEAH. THANKS, MOM. YOU RULE.

[DOOR CLOSES]

OHH!

THIS DARN CLAW MACHINE!

IT'S RIGGED!

[CHUCKLING]

YOU CAN'T BE A WINNER EVERY TIME, GUZZLE.

COME ON. HAVE A DRINK.

I'M BROKE, JIMMY.

YOUR DAMN CLAW MACHINE GOT ALL MY MONEY.

IT'S ON ME, OLD-TIMER.

THANKS, JIMMY.

HEY, PECKER.

HEY, DAD. AFTERNOON, GUZZLES.

HI, PECKER.

HI, CHRISSY. HOW YOU DOING, EH?

HOW'S IT GOING?

ALWAYS GOT THAT BROKEN-DOWN CAMERA

HIS MAMA FOUND AT THE THRIFT SHOP.

HOW'S MY LITTLE SWEET TOOTH TODAY?

LITTLE CHRISSY WANTS A JOLT.

OH, SHE DOES?

[OPENS CAN]

SLOW DAY, HUH, DAD?

SLOW'S NOT THE WORD FOR IT.

HERE. I GOT A SHOT FOR YOU.

[RING]

PUT THIS IN YOUR SHOW.

IT'S THAT DAMN PELT ROOM, PECKER.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COMPETE

WITH A STRIPPER BAR RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET?

LESBIANS, I HEAR.

SHOWING FULL BUSH.

B-E-A-V-E-R, PECKER.

THAT'S ALL MEN WANT IN A BAR THESE DAYS.

IT SAYS IT RIGHT HERE

IN THE BOARD OF LIQUOR LICENSE RULE BOOK.

"SECTION 12-203,

"PARAGRAPH 3.

PUBIC HAIR AND LIQUOR."

IT'S JUST PLAIN ILLEGAL.

[BURLESQUE MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE]

Emcee: LET'S HAVE A BIG HAND, GENTLEMEN,

FOR T-BONE THE STRIPPER!

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

Emcee: SHE'S ALL LESBIAN ALL THE TIME!

THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE!

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, ASSHOLES?

Emcee: THE NASTIEST GIRL IN BALTIMORE!

YEAH, BABY!

Man: TAKE IT OFF!

YEAH, THAT'S IT! COME ON!

OH, I GOT! I GOT IT!

Emcee: WE SHOW IT ALL!

YOU LIKE LOOKING AT LEZZIES, DON'T YOU, SUCKERS?

Man: I LOVE IT!

Emcee: FULL FRONTAL LESBIAN NUDITY!

YOU THINK MEN GOT WHAT WOMEN REALLY NEED?

I GOT WHAT YOU NEED!

Emcee: BUSH CITY!

WELL, YOU'RE WRONG...

BECAUSE THIS BEEF CURTAIN

STANDS ALONE!

HEY, YOU LITTLE PECKERWOOD!

I WAS JUST LOOKING!

YEAH, WELL, THERE'S NO FREE PEEKING IN THE PELT ROOM.

I SHOULD TELL YOUR FATHER!

ONE PIT BEEF SANDWICH WITH HORSERADISH AND KETCHUP.

I TELL MY LADY FRIENDS,

"GIVE A MAN A PIT BEEF SANDWICH,

AND HE'LL BE BACK FOR SECONDS."

OH. BEST PIT BEEF IN TOWN, MA'AM.

THERE YOU GO. BOTTOM ROUND--

JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE IT.

$4.00.

KEEP THE CHANGE.

THANK YOU KINDLY.

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

PECKER!

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

HI, MEMAMA. HOW'S BUSINESS?

ALL BALTIMORE LOVES A PIT BEEF SANDWICH.

CAN I GET A SHOT?

SURE CAN.

SHE'S DOING IT AGAIN, YOU KNOW?

SHE IS?

WHEN DID SHE START?

EARLY THIS MORNING.

COME ON IN AND TAKE HER PICTURE

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME.

COME ON.

[CAR PULLING UP]

Man: HEY, YOU OPEN?!

[HONK HONK]

HOLD YOUR HORSES!

Man: HEY, I'M HUNGRY!

BE RIGHT BACK!

Man: I WANT MY PIT BEEF!

SOMETIMES THERE'S THINGS MORE IMPORTANT

THAN PIT BEEF.

COME ON.

I TELL YOU SHE'S BEEN A REGULAR BLABBERMOUTH

ALL DAY LONG.

OH HO, I CAN'T WAIT.

JUST WAIT TILL YOU HEAR HER VOICE.

WOW.

WELL, THERE SHE IS.

HI, MARY.

Memama in higher voice: FULL OF GRACE.

FULL OF GRACE!

SEE? SHE'S TALKING.

IT COULD BE A REAL MIRACLE.

A REAL MIRACLE, MEMAMA.

FULL OF GRACE.

YOU THINK SO, PECKER?

I DO.

OH, I WAS BLINDED

BY THE BLUE OF MARY'S CLOAK

WHEN I WAS JUST 7 YEARS OLD.

I BEEN PRAYING TO HER EVER SINCE.

SURE HAS PAID OFF, HASN'T IT?

IT SURE HAS.

FULL OF GRACE.

WE HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR, MARY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHY DON'T YOU TWO SIT OVER THERE?

PERFECT.

OH, WOW.

YOU TWO LOOK JUST LIKE A HOLY CARD.

WE DO?

OH, JUST WAIT TILL YOU SEE THIS PICTURE.

FULL OF GRACE.

SHE LIKES YOU, PECKER!

AND I LIKE HER, TOO.

FULL OF GRACE. FULL OF GRACE.

FULL OF GRACE.

PECKER?

HONEY, WE'RE HOME!

BE RIGHT DOWN!

IS MEMAMA UP THERE WITH YOU?

YEAH! WE'RE TAKING PICTURES!

SHE'S GOT CUSTOMERS!

OH, SWEETIE, COME ON. GIVE IT BACK.

YOU HAVE TO WAIT TILL AFTER DINNER, OKAY?

Chrissy: BUT I'M HUNGRY NOW!

MAN, EVERYTHING ALWAYS LOOKS GOOD THROUGH HERE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M MAKING SLOPPY JOES FOR DINNER.

I CAN'T STAY FOR DINNER.

PECKER, YOU'VE GOT TO EAT.

WHY DO YOU THINK WE CALLED HIM PECKER?

NEVER DID EAT PROPERLY AS A CHILD.

JUST PECKED AT HIS FOOD.

I'M NOT HUNGRY,

AND BESIDES, I'M LATE FOR MY PHOTO SHOOT WITH TINA.

OH, PECKER.

WE LOVE YOUR BIG SISTER,

BUT YOU KNOW HOW WE FEEL

ABOUT THAT PLACE WHERE SHE WORKS.

THE DEVIL'S WORKSHOP!

AT LEAST THEY DON'T SHOW PUBIC HAIR.

THAT'S ONE GOOD THING I CAN SAY.

HONEY, DON'T SAY "PUBIC" IN FRONT OF LITTLE CHRISSY.

BYE, MOM.

BYE, SWEETIE.

PECKER, PLEASE BRING ME A SODA!

OKAY, OKAY. BYE, DAD.

DON'T BE TOO LATE, PECKER.

[MEN HOWLING AND CHEERING]

EVENING, MR. NELLBOX.

HEY, HOW YOU DOING, DAISY BAIT?

GOOD.

STILL TAKING THEM PICTURES, HUH?

OH, YEAH. AS LONG AS IT'S OK WITH YOU.

I TOLD YOUR SISTER TINA, I SAID,

"PECKER OUGHT TO FORGET ABOUT HIS STUPID CAMERA,

GET UP ON THE BAR AND DANCE."

HUH?

SHOW HIS BONY ASS, MAKE SOME REAL MONEY.

AW, THANKS, SIR, BUT I COULD NEVER DO THAT.

CAN I TAKE YOUR PICTURE, THOUGH?

HEY, KNOCK YOURSELF OUT, BUTTPLUG.

HOLD STILL.

HEY, I'LL HOLD IT ANY WAY I CAN GET IT.

[LAUGHING]

SEE YOU LATER.

HAVE A BALL, KID.

[CHUCKLING]

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

HERE YOU GO, CHAMP.

THERE YOU GO.

HEY.

THANKS. ANOTHER BEER?

ANOTHER BEER.

HI!

HI!

OH.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR LARRY THE LUGHEAD!

WHOO!

[APPLAUSE DIES OUT]

LARRY'S 21 YEARS OLD,

HETEROSEXUAL,

UNCUT,

ON PROBATION,

AND CURRENTLY MAKES HIS LIVING AS A BURGLAR.

[CHEERING]

Man: COME ON, BABY!

AND HOW ABOUT SEAFOOD SAM THE SAILOR MAN?

[CHEERING]

HE MAY BE STRAIGHT,

BUT HE'S ON LEAVE,

SO DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL...

JUST GET HIM TO A HOTEL.

WHOO!

THAR SHE BLOWS!

[LAUGHTER]

YES! RRR!

BULL'S-EYE!

HEY, LARRY...

NO TEABAGGING. YOU KNOW THE RULES.

NO BALLS ON FOREHEADS.

TEABAGGING IS FORBIDDEN HERE AT THE FUDGE PALACE.

Patron: OH. I UNDERSTAND.

YOU TEABAG A CUSTOMER ONE MORE TIME, LARRY,

AND MR. NELLBOX WILL FIRE YOUR ASS.

Patrons: OOH!

YEAH, YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS ONE.

LOOK AT THIS. LOOK.

OKAY. BE CAREFUL.

WOW.

IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU, PECKER-MAN,

I'D NEVER KNOW THIS SHIT EXISTED.

"TEABAGGING"?

JESUS.

I THOUGHT I HAD HEARD OF EVERYTHING.

DUDE, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF GIVING SOMEONE A DUTCH OVEN?

NO. WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S WHEN YOU FART IN BED,

AND QUICKLY PULL THE COVERS OVER YOUR PARTNER'S HEAD.

HA HA!

OH, MAN, I GOTTA TRY THAT SOMETIME.

DAMN.

LOOK AT HER.

SHE'S SCARY.

I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK SHE LOOKS KIND OF PROUD.

YEAH?

YEAH.

WELL, WHATEVER IT IS,

IT'S A COOL FUCKING PICTURE, MAN.

YOU SURE GOT THE EYE FOR THIS STUFF.

IT'S WEIRD, YOU KNOW?

SOMETIMES I'M AMAZED THEY EVEN TURN OUT AT ALL.

THERE'S MY GIRL.

SHELLEY SURE IS SOMETHING, HUH?

YEAH.

SHE OUGHT TAKE OFF WORK

ONCE IN A WHILE, THOUGH.

HAVE SOME FUN.

WELL, WORK IS FUN, MATT,

IF YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING YOU LOVE, RIGHT?

I GUESS, BUT LOOK AT ME.

I'M THE BEST THIEF IN TOWN, AND I CAN'T EVEN GET LAID.

SHH!

YOU HEAR THEM FOOTSTEPS?

YEAH.

IT'S HER.

QUICK. ONE MORE SHOT.

LITTLE CHRISSY.

SAY, "SUGAR."

SUGARRRR.

OH, I LOVE YOU, LITTLE CHRISSY.

NO MATTER WHAT.

[CHICKENS CLUCKING IN THE MOOD]

NOW, THIS ONE I LIKE OK.

IT'S OUT OF FOCUS,

BUT IT AIN'T DEPRESSING LIKE THE OTHER ONES.

MAKES PEOPLE FEEL LIKE BUYING SOMETHING.

CAN I HELP YOU?

CHRIST, THEY AREN'T EVEN IN COLOR.

YOU CAN'T JUST LOOK AT THE PICTURES

WITHOUT ORDERING SOMETHING.

I'LL HAVE A MACARONI SALAD.

RIGHT.

OHH. LOOK.

HEY, MOM.

HI, HONEY.

HERE YOU ARE. MACARONI SALAD.

CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING?

UH, HI, MR. BOZAK.

NO, THAT'S ALRIGHT.

WE'RE JUST HERE TO LOOK AT THE ART.

WELL, LITTLE CHRISSY CAN'T EAT OUTSIDE FOOD IN HERE.

AND THEY-- THEY HAVE TO BUY SOMETHING.

OH, I'M SORRY.

OH, WELL, ALRIGHT.

NO.

YES, HONEY. YOU CAN'T HAVE IT.

4 MEDIUM COKES THEN.

NO! I WANT MY JUICY FRUITS!

LITTLE CHRISSY,

WE'RE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE FOOD.

YOU'RE GETTING A COKE. NOW COME ON.

WE'RE HERE TO LOOK AT THE ART.

YOU HEARD HER. GET THE COKES.

HONEY, I SAID--

I WANT MY JUICY FRUITS!

NO, HONEY, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A COKE

IN JUST A MINUTE!

OH. CONGRATULATIONS, PECKER.

Pecker: THANKS, MOM.

Joyce: HERE YOU GO NOW, LITTLE CHRISSY.

NOW, WHO'S THAT IN THE PICTURE?

IT THAT LITTLE CHRISSY?

YEP. THAT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE ONES, TOO.

SWEETIE, YOU ARE SO TALENTED.

IF ONLY YOU COULD CONCENTRATE

ON PRETTY SCENERY OR SOMETHING

INSTEAD OF OUR BORING LIVES,

YOU MIGHT MAKE A REAL CAREER OUT OF THIS.

OKAY, PECKER,

GET BACK TO WORK.

OH, MY GOD. THAT'S ME!

YEAH, AND IT'S A MIRACLE THEY DON'T TAKE IT DOWN.

Man: YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

YOU BELIEVE THESE PICTURES?

WHAT IN THE...

I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT THIS ONE IS,

BUT I KINDA LIKE IT.

THOSE HOMOS.

PECKER, YOUR PICTURES ARE GLORIOUS.

THERE'S NOTHING GAY ABOUT IT.

PECKER, I'M SO SORRY I'M LATE,

BUT WAIT TILL YOU TRY THIS NEW PRODUCT.

IT REMOVES LIPSTICK STAINS, DEODORANT RINGS.

OH, WOW. THANKS, HONEY. THAT'S REALLY SWEET.

MR. BOZAK, CAN I TAKE A SHORT BREAK?

IT WON'T BE LONG.

OH, COME ON. PLEASE?

Bozak: YOU'RE OFF THE CLOCK THEN.

OKAY. JUST FOR 5 MINUTES.

COME ON.

AND YOU TWO...

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT USING THE RESTROOMS.

LOOK.

IT'S ALL YOU, SHELLEY.

Shelley: OH, MY GOD.

Joyce: YOU LOOK SO PRETTY, SHELLEY.

YOU DON'T THINK I SHOW TOO MUCH?

NO, NO.

THAT'S WHY THEY CALL THEM FIGURE STUDIES.

WHAT WILL MY CUSTOMERS SAY?

THEY'LL SAY YOU INSPIRE ME.

OH, PECKER, IT'S JUST ME IN MY STUPID LAUNDROMAT.

I MEAN, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

EXCUSE ME.

ARE YOU PECKER?

YEAH, I AM.

HI, I'M ROREY.

WE'RE HIS PARENTS.

HI.

I'M FROM NEW YORK CITY

WHERE I HAVE AN ART GALLERY.

I'M HERE TO MEET WITH THE BALTIMORE MUSEUM,

AND I SAW YOUR FLYER.

YOUR PICTURES ARE AMAZING.

THEY'RE THE REAL THING.

WOW. UH, THANKS.

THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND SHELLEY.

I LOVE YOUR LOOK.

SO TELL ME ABOUT THIS ONE.

OHH...

WELL, IT'S, UH...

IT'S...

IT'S KIND OF, UH...

OF...

UH...

IT'S THE PUBIC HAIR OF A STRIPPER!

Pecker: YEAH.

OH!

THAT'S IT, PECKER.

THIS IS A FAMILY RESTAURANT, AND YOU'RE FIRED!

Woman: I SHOULD HOPE SO. THAT WAS DISGUSTING.

FIRED?

WHAT DID I DO, MR. BOZAK?

Jimmy: CHRISSY, DON'T EAT THAT, HONEY!

LOOK, CHRISSY...

HURRY UP, AL! I GOTTA GO!

GO, GO!

Jimmy: LISTEN TO DADDY.

YOU WANT TO GET RICKETS?

HOW MUCH?

Pecker: FOR MY PICTURE?

YEAH.

YOU WANNA BUY IT?

YEAH.

OF COURSE. IT'S GREAT.

UH...

$30.

SOLD.

MOM, DAD, I JUST SOLD A PICTURE.

I'D ALSO LOVE TO GIVE YOU A SHOW IN MY NEW YORK GALLERY

IF YOU'D BE WILLING.

THERE YOU GO.

LOOK.

Man: THERE'S ANOTHER OPENING DOWN THE STREET.

Woman: AT PAT HEARN'S GALLERY.

Second man: GOT GOOD REVIEWS.

WHY DON'T WE GIVE IT A CHANCE?

Second woman: ALRIGHT. YEAH.

[CLASSICAL PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

NOW, THAT'S MY LITTLE SISTER.

SOME WINE?

MAY I?

CERTAINLY.

ISN'T SHE A DOLL?

OH, MY GOD, PECKER,

YOU'VE GOTTA LISTEN TO WHAT THEY'RE SAYING.

AND THIS IS THE TIMES.

"A TEENAGE OUIJA

"WHO'S PAINTBRUSH IS THE BROKEN-DOWN CAMERA

HE FOUND IN HIS MOM'S THRIFT SHOP."

LESTER HALLBROOK NEVER RAVES ABOUT ANYBODY'S FIRST SHOW!

WOW.

HE'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

Pecker: THANKS A LOT, SIR!

OH, NO. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

OH, YES. LOOK AT THIS ONE.

I SAW THAT BOOK AT THE STRAND.

OH, THERE'S VENETIA KEYDASH.

SHE'S A WRITER FOR ART NEWS.

I WANTED TO INTRODUCE YOU TO HER.

YOUR PICTURES ARE SUBLIME, SON.

WELL, THANKS A LOT, MA'AM.

IF I KNEW HOW TO MAKE 'EM ANY BETTER,

THEY PROBABLY WOULDN'T WORK AT ALL.

YOU KNOW WHAT? EXCUSE ME A SECOND.

ISN'T HE GORGEOUS?

OH, HE IS.

WE DON'T HAVE BOYS THAT CUTE IN NEW YORK.

YOU HAVING FUN, HON?

HOW COULD I, PECKER?

THESE PEOPLE DON'T GO TO LAUNDROMATS.

THEY GO TO DRY CLEANERS.

[TAKES PICTURE]

NOW, ROREY,

HERE'S WHO I WANNA MEET.

SHELLEY, I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU

TO ONE OF THE BIGGEST COLLECTORS

OF MODERN PHOTOGRAPHY IN NEW YORK,

LYNN WENTWORTH.

YOU ARE SO SEXY, YOUNG LADY,

AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT.

OH, UH...

SOMETIMES I KNOW I LOOK GOOD.

YOU KNOW, SHELLEY,

SHE RUNS A SUCCESSFUL LAUNDROMAT IN BALTIMORE.

I KNOW SHE DOES,

AND I BOUGHT ALL 12 PICTURES OF IT.

Pecker: YOU DID?

$1,300 FOR ONE PICTURE?

YOU KNOW, I REALLY DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

HERE YOU GO.

NOW, GYPSY, RIGHT?

OH, HONEY, NO.

YES!

NO, THAT'S ENOUGH CHOCOLATE,

'CAUSE WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BIG FANCY DINNER SOON.

HEY, PECKER,

YOU ARE RICH!

THEY REALLY ARE SOMETHING SPECIAL.

I MEAN, PECKER'S LIKE A HUMANE DIANE ARBUS.

YES, BUT WITH A WONDERFUL STREAK OF KINDNESS.

MM-HMM.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

EXCUSE MOI.

PARDON ME.

HI, MARY.

THAT'S ME.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

I WORK IN A GAY BAR IN BALTIMORE.

WE CALL EVERYBODY "MARY."

YOU GOT A LITTLE SUGAR IN YOU, DON'T YOU?

SURE. I CAN TELL.

A LITTLE LIGHT IN THE LOAFER.

I DON'T MEAN NOTHING. I LOVE FAGS.

I'M JED COLEMAN,

CURATOR AT THE WHITNEY.

THIS IS LESTER HALLBROOK OF THE TIMES.

OH.

YOUR BROTHER IS A VERY TALENTED INDIVIDUAL.

YOU GOT THAT, MARY.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WANT MY AUTOGRAPH.

JUST--I DON'T KNOW.

THERE YOU GO NOW.

IT LOOKS LIKE SO MUCH FUN.

LET'S DO IT AT BALDUCCI'S.

WHERE'S THAT AT?

WOULDN'T THEY JUST DIE AT DEAN & DELUCA'S?

YES!

IS THAT A STORE?

GOURMET ANARCHY.

YOU CAN STEAL FOR ME ANY DAY.

DO YOU GET AROUSED WHEN YOU SHOPLIFT?

UM...YEAH.

I GUESS SO. UM...

WOULD YOU GIRLS LIKE TO GET TOGETHER LATER?

YEAH! YEAH!

OH, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU

TO RED LARCHMONT.

RED!

THIS IS PECKER...

AND SHELLEY, WHO'S SO LUCKY.

PECKER, DARLING,

I MUST HAVE "LITTLE CHRISSY'S SUGAR FIX."

Rorey: OH, THE WHOLE EDITION OF THAT ONE'S GONE.

BUT TAKE A LOOK AT "RATS MAKE LOVE."

IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

OH, THERE'S CINDY.

Pecker: WHO?

CINDY SHERMAN-- THE FAMOUS PHOTOGRAPHER?

OHH. OH, RIGHT. YEAH.

HEY, CINDY!

THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY SHOW!

HI.

OH, HI, JED. HOW ARE YOU?

VERY NICE.

COMING THROUGH.

EXCUSE ME!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE SHE IS!

FULL OF GRACE, FULL OF GRACE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

OUR LADY HERSELF, MARY--

RIGHT HERE IN NEW YORK CITY.

NO, NO. I PROMISE YOU IT'LL BE OKAY. REALLY.

SERIOUSLY. I'M PECKER'S MOTHER.

IT'S FINE.

HONEY. HI.

HERE. HOLD MY PURSE

AND WATCH LITTLE CHRISSY FOR ME, OKAY?

BE RIGHT BACK.

YOU GOT SPARE CHANGE?

SPARE CHANGE?

OH, YOU POOR THING. YOU MUST BE SO HUNGRY.

HERE.

OOH! THANK YOU, MA'AM. CAN I HAVE YOUR JACKET?

WELL, SURE.

YES. CERTAINLY YOU CAN.

THERE YOU GO.

DON'T THEY HAVE GOOD THRIFT STORES

HERE IN NEW YORK?

OH, NO, MA'AM.

THEY'RE SO EXPENSIVE.

REALLY?

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, WHERE I COME FROM,

YOU CAN GET AN EASTER OUTFIT FOR 25 CENTS.

YOU CAN? YES.

FUCKIN' LOUSY ART GALLERIES

ARE RUINING THIS WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

STUPID BLANK PAINTINGS AND OUT-OF-FOCUS PICTURES

AND THOSE UGLY-ASS SCULPTURES!

OH, SIR.

I--I UNDERSTAND.

I KNOW.

IT'S REALLY HARD, ISN'T IT?

IT'S HARD TO APPRECIATE NEW THINGS

IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE PROPER OUTFIT TO WEAR.

HERE. TAKE THIS. ACCESSORIZE.

YEAH, TIE IT AROUND YOUR NECK.

GO ON. DON'T BE AFRAID OF FASHION.

OH, THAT LOOKS WONDERFUL.

NOW, SEE? IT'S A WHOLE NEW YOU.

ALRIGHT, LISTEN UP.

THEY'RE HAVING THIS ARTIST'S DINNER

AT THIS PLACE CALLED THE "B" BAR

AFTER MY SON'S OPENING.

YOU ALL SHOULD COME.

FREE FOOD, AND WHO KNOWS,

MAYBE YOU'LL GET A NEW OUTFIT.

OH, HEY.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

EXCUSE ME, LYNN.

SHELLEY, YOU'RE RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NEXT TO PECKER.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER, LYNN.

I WAS WONDERING WHERE YOU WERE.

Pecker: DO YOU BELIEVE THIS?

WE'RE IN A NIGHTCLUB.

Rorey: SO IS THIS YOUR FIRST TIME IN NEW YORK?

Tina: YOU BET. IS ALL THIS FREE?

OH, YEAH.

THE DEPTH AND MATURITY OF HIS WORK.

IT'S FANTASTIC.

OH, THERE'S BRYCE.

HI, COLLIN. HI, PAT.

BE CAREFUL OF THAT GUY OVER THERE.

HE'S FROM COAGULUM. IT'S A MAGAZINE.

[TAKES PICTURE]

PECKER...

YOU'RE SO GOOD.

OH.

HERE YOU ARE, MA'AM.

HOW FANCY.

AND FOR YOU, MISS.

UGH.

OH...NO, NO.

LITTLE CHRISSY, DON'T BE FRIGHTENED NOW.

THESE ARE JUST VEGETABLES, OKAY?

UH-UH.

Joyce: THEY WON'T HURT YOU.

I'D LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST.

TO PECKER:

A BRILLIANT PHOTOGRAPHER,

A SWEET BOY,

AND A BRAND-NEW ART STAR. TO PECKER.

TO PECKER! TO PECKER!

TO PECKER! TO PECKER!

UGH!

BLECH. EW.

Rorey: PECKER, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO STAND UP.

YOU HAVE TO. ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE HERE FOR YOU.

SPEAK, PECKER.

OH, GOD.

PECKER, IT'S YOUR NIGHT.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN OFF WORK.

I SHOULD BE AT HOME IN MY LAUNDROMAT

DOING MY JOB.

I'm sure it will be okay.

[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING SO NICE TO ME

AND BUYING MY PHOTOGRAPHS.

[LAUGHTER]

I--I WANNA THANK ROREY FOR LIKING MY PICTURES

EVEN THOUGH SOME OF THEM ARE OUT OF FOCUS

AND SOMETIMES I DON'T GET THE EXPOSURE RIGHT.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT MY CUSTOMERS ARE LIKE.

THEY WAIT FOR ME TO GO OUT OF TOWN

SO THEY CAN DEFY MY RULES.

You're just imagining things.

NO, I'M NOT.

PEOPLE WITH THEIR DIRTY LAUNDRY CAN BE ANIMALS.

I'D LIKE TO TOAST MY DAD FOR TEACHING ME

JUST HOW FAR TO GO.

TAKE A BOW, DAD.

HE'S A GREAT GUY, ISN'T HE?

TELL ME, IS IT LEGAL TO SHOW PUBIC HAIR

HERE IN NEW YORK?

I'M NOT REALLY SURE.

AND MY GRANDMOTHER,

FOR TEACHING ME TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF

NO MATTER WHAT ANYBODY SAID.

SHE'S A REAL SAINT, ISN'T SHE?

FULL OF GRACE. FULL OF GRACE.

Shelley: MY CUSTOMERS WILL DO ANYTHING IF I'M NOT THERE.

THEY COULD BE PISSING IN MY DRYERS AS WE SPEAK!

It's going to be okay. I promise you.

OH, YEAH, AND MY BIG SISTER TINA,

FOR HELPING ME TO UNDERSTAND ALL TYPES OF HUMAN BEHAVIOR.

COME ON DOWN TO BALTIMORE.

THE TRADE CAPITAL OF THE WORLD!

THANKS, TINA.

AND MY LITTLE SISTER CHRISSY...

WANT A VALIUM, HONEY?

NO!

FOR TEACHING ME THAT LIFE IS NOTHING

IF YOU'RE NOT OBSESSED.

HONEY. HONEY, YOU'RE FLINGING.

AND MATT,

THE BEST ASSISTANT

A PHOTOGRAPHER COULD EVER HAVE.

WITHOUT HIM, I COULDN'T EVEN DO MY WORK.

HE'S A BIG HELP.

[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

AND OF COURSE MY MOM,

FOR HELPING ME PICK OUT MY OUTFITS.

[APPLAUSE]

ACTUALLY, SHE HELPS US ALL PICK OUT OUR CLOTHES.

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL, MOM.

GIVE HER A BIG HAND!

CAN I HAVE YOUR BLOUSE?

[MURMUR AMONG ONLOOKERS]

UM, THIS IS A PRIVATE DINNER.

WE'RE ON THE LIST.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE.

THEY'RE SORT OF WITH ME.

YOU SAID WE COULD GET SOME NEW CLOTHES!

Pecker: MOM. MOM, DO YOU KNOW THESE PEOPLE?

I DIDN'T KNOW.

I THOUGHT MAYBE SOMEONE COULD HELP THEM.

IT'S OKAY, MOM.

EVERYTHING'S DIFFERENT HERE IN NEW YORK, RIGHT?

I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE IN NEW YORK.

I'M A BALTIMORE GIRL,

AND THAT'S WHERE I SHOULD STAY.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, TO MY GIRLFRIEND SHELLEY.

TO SHELLEY,

THE REAL REASON I TAKE PICTURES AT ALL.

TO SHELLEY! TO SHELLEY!

[APPLAUSE]

* YES, BALTIMORE *

* YOU'RE HOME TO ME *

* YOU'RE EVERYTHING *

* A HOME SHOULD BE *

* LOVE OF FRIENDS *

* AND FAMILY *

* HOLDIN' ME *

* HOLDIN' ME *

* BALTIMORE *

* BALTIMORE *

* BALTIMORE *

* BALTIMORE *

* BALTIMORE *

* BALTIMORE *

* BALTIMORE *

* BALTIMORE *

[SONG ENDS]

SO, HONEY, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

"...PECKER'S DELICIOUS PHOTOGRAPHS

OF HIS CULTURALLY CHALLENGED FAMILY."

"CULTURALLY CHALLENGED"?

I--I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT MUCH.

THAT'S JUST ART NONSENSE.

THAT'S ME IN THE PAPER, YOU KNOW?

ARE YOU HOMOSEXUAL?

UH, NO, I'M NOT.

YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND THEN.

DO YOU THINK THIS STUFF IS OKAY, DAD?

YEAH, SURE.

THIS IS A BIG ARTICLE.

"A STAIN GODDESS"?

IT SAYS HERE SOME PAPER NAMED THE VILLAGE VOICE

CALLED ME A STAIN GODDESS.

I JUST MEANS YOU LOOK GOOD.

HEY...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER?

MAYBE I'LL BE IN THE CATHOLIC REVIEW.

YOU'RE GONNA BE

A HOLY DAY OF OBLIGATION, MOM.

HERE'S THE PART I LIKE.

"OVER 62 OF PECKER'S EDITION PRINTS

"WERE SOLD FOR PRICES

AS HIGH AS $1,300 EACH."

THEY HAVE THAT IN THE PAPER?

YEAH.

OH, IT'S OUR STOP.

OH, MY GOD.

MOM, DAD.

WHAT?

OHH, NO!

THEY'VE SEEN YOUR PICTURES, PECKER.

I'M OUT OF HERE, MAN. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

LET'S GO AND CHECK IT OUT.

YEAH.

HEY, HEY. HOLD IT, BUDDY.

OFFICER, IT'S OUR HOUSE.

HAVE WE BEEN ROBBED?

I'M AFRAID SO, MA'AM.

BUT DON'T WORRY. THEY'RE LONG GONE.

DID THEY GET MY HOT ROLLERS?

HEY, PECKER. I HEAR YOU'RE RICH.

TV IS GONE.

OH, MY GOD. SO IS THE VCR. I'LL CHECK UPSTAIRS.

HOW ABOUT THE KITCHEN?!

NOBODY'S HURT. THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT.

YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEAVE BALTIMORE?

THANK GOD MARY WAS WITH ME.

OH, GOD. MY DARKROOM.

AAH!

MY LIZA MINNELLI CDs ARE GONE!

THEY ATE THE COOKIES, TOO!

THE NEGATIVES, THEY'RE ALL HERE.

SO ARE THE PRINTS.

THEY DIDN'T EVEN WANT MY STUFF.

OHH!

THEY TOOK THE CLOCK-RADIO

AND YOUR ELECTRIC SHAVER.

I WONDER IF THEY WERE CUTE.

TINA!

[WHIMPERING]

OH, SWEETIE, DID THEY TAKE YOUR COOKIES?

IT'S NO WONDER WE WERE ROBBED

WITH THAT PELT ROOM DOWN THE STREET.

MMM.

PUBIC HAIR CAUSES CRIME.

FULL OF GRACE.

OH. SHH.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Joyce: IT'S OKAY.

NO! I HATE VITAMINS! NO!

HELLO?

HI. IT'S ROREY. IS PECKER THERE?

I HAVE FABULOUS NEWS.

HOLD ON, ROREY.

PECKER! PHONE'S FOR YOU!

WE WERE JUST ROBBED.

ROBBED. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

BURGLARIZED?

PECKER!

IT'S ROREY.

HELLO?

TAKE PICTURES, PECKER.

THIS COULD BE YOUR NEXT SHOW.

YOUR MOM'S LOSS, YOUR DAD'S SADNESS.

GET CLOSE-UPS.

UH, I DIDN'T EVEN THINK TO TAKE PICTURES, ROREY.

PICTURES?

GUESS WHAT?

THE WHITNEY MUSEUM WANTS TO SCHEDULE

"A PEEK AT PECKER"

IN THEIR UPCOMING SCHEDULE.

THE WHITNEY, PECKER!

THE WHITNEY MUSEUM!

PECKER'S OFF WORK, ROREY.

CALL BACK DURING BUSINESS HOURS.

THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.

WHAT THEY CALL ART UP IN NEW YORK, YOUNG MAN...

LOOKS LIKE JUST PLAIN MISERY TO ME.

DON'T BECOME AN ASSHOLE, PECKER.

I BEG OF YOU. DO NOT BECOME AN ASSHOLE.

Jimmy: I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS.

"THE HAUNTING IMAGE OF FINANCIAL DESPAIR."

I WAS JUST KIDDING AROUND WITH PECKER.

I'VE STILL GOT CUSTOMERS.

WE STILL HAVE FOOD ON THE TABLE. RIGHT, CHRISSY?

CAP'N CRUNCH!

Joyce: PECKER, DON'T!

MY HAIR'S A MESS. COME ON.

MOM, YOU LOOK THE SAME AS ALWAYS.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

IT'S AWFULLY EARLY, ISN'T IT?

I GOT IT.

YEAH.

THANK YOU.

ROREY--SHE'S ALWAYS IN A HURRY.

I WAS ON MTV.

WHAT?!

I WAS TALKING TO LARRY THE LUGHEAD

ON THE PHONE,

AND HE SAW PECKER'S PICTURE OF ME

RIGHT ON MTV.

Joyce: OH!

OH, MARY, I'M A MODEL.

"MARY" IS NOT A HOMOSEXUAL TERM, TINA.

OH, MY GOD! THE COVER!

MEMAMA?

OH, MY GOD IN HEAVEN.

WE'RE ALL FAMOUS.

JUST LIKE THE JACKSON FAMILY.

DON'T SAY THAT, TINA.

I'M GONNA TAKE THAT UP

AND SHOW IT TO MONSIGNOR.

MEMAMA, I'D WAIT. I REALLY WOULD.

SOME CATHOLICS, MOM,

THEY JUST MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND IT.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'LL GET IT.

MOVE OVER, KATE.

OUTTA MY WAY, RU PAUL.

SEE WHO IT IS FIRST, TINA!

HER COMES TINA, SUPERMODEL!

CIAO, CIAO, CIAO!

HELLO. I'M DR. DEBORAH KLOMPAS.

I'M AN M.D. WITH BALTIMORE CITY CHILD PROTECTION SERVICES.

AND YOU'RE LITTLE CHRISSY.

HOW MAY WE HELP YOU?

IT'S MORE ABOUT HOW I'M GONNA BE ABLE TO HELP YOU.

WE, UH, DON'T NEED ANYBODY'S HELP, LADY.

PROTECTION SERVICES SAW LITTLE CHRISSY

IN THE SUN PAPERS.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH LITTLE CHRISSY.

LITTLE CHRISSY'S WIRED.

SHE'S JUST A SUGAR-SENSITIVE CHILD.

THAT'S ALL.

SHE DOES FIDGET.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'LL GET IT.

HELLO.

MORE GOOD NEWS.

HOLD ON, ROREY. WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FAMILY CRISIS.

Dr. Klompas: I AM SORRY TO INFORM YOU,

BUT YOUR CHILD HAS ATTENTION- DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER.

SHE NEEDS RITALIN.

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

VOGUE MAGAZINE WANTS TO DO A FASHION SHOOT

CALLED "SLUMMING WITH PECKER."

YOU HAVE TO HOLD ON, ROREY.

HELLO.

GREG GORMAN IS THE PHOTOGRAPHER.

HE SHOOTS ALL THE CELEBRITIES,

AND HE WANTS YOU TO MODEL.

LOOK, ROREY, I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW.

I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

WELL, SHE DOES CLIMB EXCESSIVELY.

WOULD, UH... WOULD SHE EAT BETTER?

YOU JUST THINK OF THESE

AS MOTHER AND DADDY'S LITTLE HELPERS.

DAD, ALL KIDS LOVE CANDY, THOUGH.

WELL, IT'S FOR HER HEALTH, PECKER.

CHRISSY, GO AHEAD.

GO AHEAD AND TAKE YOUR MEDICATION.

COME ON, LITTLE CHRISSY. GIVE ME A POSE.

WHAT THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU'RE DOIN'?

YOU REMEMBER ME FROM THE THRIFT SHOP?

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

THAT'S MY DAD'S RADIO.

YOU ROBBED OUR HOUSE.

SO? YOU TOOK MY PHOTOGRAPH AND DIDN'T PAY ME.

OH. COME ON, MAN. THAT'S NOT THE SAME THING.

THESE ARE REAL-LIFE SHOTS.

FUCK YOU, PECKER.

IT'S MY LIFE, REAL OR NOT, ASSHOLE.

WE'RE EVEN NOW.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! MY SISTER WANTS HER CDs BACK!

NO COPS THIS TIME, RIGHT?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THEM.

THEY COULDN'T CATCH A GODDAMN COLD.

MAN, YOUR PICTURES ARE EVERYWHERE.

I KNOW. TELL ME ABOUT IT.

IT'S LIKE, I'M TRYING TO GET NEW STUFF,

BUT EVERYONE KNOWS ME NOW.

YEAH, I KNOW. NO DOUBT.

HERE.

DON'T EVEN TRY IT, PECKER.

THAT'S MY PRIVATE GARBAGE.

SORRY, MR. BOZAK. NO HARD FEELINGS, I HOPE.

OH, GET A REAL JOB.

AND, YOU, YOU STOLE FROM CHARITY.

I'M CALLIN' JERRY LEWIS.

HEY, PECKER.

I DIDN'T SIGN NO MODEL RELEASE,

AND I'M GONNA SUE YOUR ASS.

HE DIDN'T EVEN GET PAID YET.

WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW, FARTMOUTH?

[BABY CRIES]

THE GALLERY GETS HALF HIS MONEY.

YOU CAN SUCK MY FAT ASS, MATT.

HEY, PECKER, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD MOVE TO NEW YORK?

CAN I HELP YOU?

NO. I THINK WE'RE JUST LOOKING.

OKAY.

DO YOU HAVE ANY GUESS JEANS IN THE STORE?

THIS AIN'T GQ, BUDDY.

WE GOT REAL CLOTHES AT REGULAR PRICES.

JUST TRYING TO LOOK MY BEST.

HOW ABOUT JORDACHE?

I JUST TOLD YOU.

ANY KATHIE LEE?

SOLD OUT.

HI. I'D LIKE TO FILL OUT A JOB APPLICATION.

I KNEW IT WAS YOU, STUPID.

AND YOU'RE PECKERHEAD, RIGHT?

PECKER, MA'AM.

I SAW THOSE PICTURES, DUMBBELLS!

YOU'RE BOTH CAUGHT.

I WAS GONNA PUT IT BACK, HONEST.

WE WERE JUST DOING IT FOR THE ART.

ART-SCHMART. GIVE ME THAT CAMERA.

WHAT?

I SAID GIVE ME THAT CAMERA,

OR I'M CALLIN' THE COPS.

OKAY, YOU TWO. WHIP IT OUT.

WHAT?!

I SAID, TAKE OUT YOUR UNITS.

LOOK, WE'RE SORRY.

I SAID UNZIP!

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A PECKERPRINT.

SMILE.

YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA.

I'VE NEVER BEEN CAUGHT SHOPLIFTING IN MY LIFE.

WELL, MAYBE THIS WILL TEACH YOU BOTH

THAT SOME PEOPLE DON'T FEEL LIKE BEING ART.

IF I CAN'T STEAL, I DON'T WANT TO BE FAMOUS.

I QUIT, PECKER.

LOOK, WE'RE SORRY.

MATT'S A THIEF, BUT HE'S A REALLY NICE PERSON.

MATT!

[DOOR CHIMES JINGLE]

Man: IS THIS THE STAIN GODDESS

I HEARD ABOUT ON HOWARD STERN?

TELL ME. HOW DO I GET RID OF PECKER-TRACKS?

EAT ONE, ASSWIPE.

COME ON. BE A GOOD LITTLE GIRL

AND PUT YOUR VAGINA UP TO THE PHONE.

SHOVE IT, FUCKWAD.

HEY, SHELLEY.

STOP TAKING MY PICTURE, PECKER!

YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!

I'M SORRY. I THOUGHT I WAS MAKING YOUR LIFE BETTER.

HEY, PECKER, WANT TO TAKE MY PICTURE?

OH, NO.

HEY, BUDDY, YOU CAN'T DO THAT IN HERE.

GO UP TO NEW YORK. THEY LOVE THAT STUFF.

TAKE MY PICTURE, PECKER. PLEASE?

[MOANING]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[MOANING LOUDER]

DON'T YOU DARE.

COME ON! BEFORE MY QUARTERS RUN OUT! OH!

SPIN N' GRIN.

HI, SHELLEY. IT'S ME.

I SOLD THREE PRINTS OF YOU TODAY. IS PECKER THERE?

ANOTHER OBSCENE CALL.

IT'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND, ASSHOLE.

[MOANING]

CAN I WORK IN PEACE?

HELLO.

HI, HONEY. IT'S ME, ROREY.

DID YOU GET MY LITTLE PRESENT?

[CAMERA CLICKS, FLASH STARTS CHARGING]

[AUTO-FOCUS WHIRS]

Matt on machine: IF THIS IS PECKER, DON'T CALL BACK.

[BEEP]

Shelley: SPIN N' GRIN.

HEY, IT'S ME, PECK.

A DRYER OVERHEATED, AND SOME IDIOT JUST FLASHED ME.

CALL ROREY. MAYBE SHE FEELS LIKE TALKING.

[HANGS UP]

HELLO?

SHELLEY?

COULD YOU GET THAT DOOR?

[CHIMES JINGLE]

ARE YOU SURE THAT THIS OUTFIT IS...

THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE?

LOOKS GREAT.

TURN THIS WAY.

LET'S SEE THE POLAROID.

Miss Betty: STOP MAULING ME! GET OFF!

BACKGROUND READY?

5 MINUTES.

HOLD STILL.

I'D NEVER WEAR THIS UGLY RAG.

IT'S COMME DES GARçONS, DARLING.

YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY.

CLOSE YOUR EYES.

Miss Betty: DON'T TELL ME ABOUT FASHION, BUDDY.

UH, MR. GORMAN, I JUST HAVE TO TELL YOU

THAT I'M NOT SO SURE

PECKER IS SO COMFORTABLE ABOUT MODELING TODAY.

BUT YOUR SON'S A FASHION NATURAL.

HE'S GOING TO LOOK GREAT.

UH, CAN I SEE?

SHAKE YOUR HEAD, DARLING.

OHH!

I LOOK LIKE A SIMPLETON.

YOU WITH THE RASH,

PUT THIS ON.

MY SCALP ITCHES.

OH, YEAH, YEAH.

LITTLE CHRISSY,

LOOK AT MOMMY.

HONEY?

HONEY, LOOK AT MOMMY.

UHH...

WHAT? OH, SWEETIE, IS IT TIME FOR YOUR MEDICATION?

OKAY, HERE WE GO.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THESE PILLS.

HERE.

THERE YOU GO, SWEETIE.

OKAY, HERE, WASH IT DOWN.

UH-UH.

YOU DON'T WANT ANY SODA?

Miss Betty: I WOULDN'T WEAR THIS TO THE SHELTER,

YOU TWIT!

DON'T FIGHT ME, DARLING.

YOU CAN WEAR THIS ANYWHERE.

ARE YOU TRYING TO BLIND ME?

[CHIMES JINGLE]

OH, JESUS, WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO MY MOTHER?

I LOOK SILLY, DON'T I?

WHAT A BEAUTY.

I'M NOT A BEAUTY. I'M A PHOTOGRAPHER.

PLEASE, I'M MORE COMFORTABLE

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CAMERA.

LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T WANT TO BE IN VOGUE.

[CREW GASPS]

EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE IN VOGUE.

ALRIGHT, BACKGROUND ACTION.

Pecker: MISS BETTY, AL,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.

ARE THEY GETTING PAID?

NOBODY WENT OVER THIS WITH ME.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. I SAID NO.

Miss Betty: DON'T WE GET FOOD?

Pecker: DID ANYONE HEAR ME?

WE'RE NOT DOING THIS.

GET THE HELL OFF ME.

AL, MISS BETTY, STOP IT!

YOU DON'T HAVE TO MODEL IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.

[LITTLE CHRISSY COUGHS]

HE'S POOR,

HE'S WHITE...

BUT HE SURE AIN'T TRASH.

GOD! I DON'T WANT TO BE A MODEL.

[COUGHING]

[GORMAN TAKING PICTURES]

OH, MY GOD.

ARE YOU OKAY? WHAT'S WRONG?

SHE'S CHOKING TO DEATH!

HERE, TAKE A SIP.

TAKE A SIP. COME ON, SPIT IT OUT.

YOU CAN DO IT. COME ON.

GOOD. GREAT, GREAT.

SOMEBODY PLEASE CALL THE DOCTOR!

OVER HERE. THIS IS GREAT. GOOD.

STOP TAKING MY PICTURE!

A LITTLE OVER THERE. GOOD.

SPIT IT UP. SPIT IT UP.

OHH. THERE, IT'S ALL BETTER.

GOT YOUR SHOT, MR. GORMAN?

I GUESS WE CAN RETOUCH.

THE LORD IS WITH ME.

OH, I KNOW, MARY. I KNOW.

FULL OF GRACE.

YOU SURE ARE.

YOU'RE A VIRGIN,

YOU'RE A MOTHER,

AND YOU'RE ALL MINE.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

SHH.

WHO IS IT?

WE'RE THE FRIENDS OF MARY,

AND WE'VE COME TO SEE OUR LADY.

BE RIGHT DOWN.

[WHISPERING] It's alright, Mary.

Be right back.

LOOK AT THAT BABY, EH?

GOD DAMN IT!

PIG!

Crowd: LONG LIVE BUSH!

COVER IT UP.

GET OFF ME, MOTHERFUCKER!

SHAVE IT OFF!

PUBIC HAIR HARASSMENT!

BEAVER BRUTALITY!

PUBIC HAIR IS AGAINST THE LAW.

Crowd: WE WANT BUSH!

WE WANT BUSH!

WE WANT BUSH!

HEY, PECKER!

I'LL MAKE THE MONEY OFF MY PELT, NOT YOU!

T-BONE! DAD, GOD, I DIDN'T WANT ANYBODY ARRESTED

FOR MY PICTURES.

Crowd: WE WANT BUSH!

WE WANT BUSH!

THANKS.

WE WANT BUSH!

WE WANT BUSH!

WE WANT BUSH!

THANK YOU.

Jimmy: CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT PUBIC HAIR

IS DOING TO THIS NEIGHBORHOOD?

MATT!

SINKING YOUR PROPERTY VALUES!

Matt: GET OFF OF ME! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

MARY?

THESE NICE LADIES HAVE COME TO HONOR YOU.

FULL OF GRACE.

YOU'RE SAYING THAT YOURSELF.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU HEARD ME, FAKER.

MEMAMA, I NEED MARY'S HELP.

OH, YOU HAVE COMPANY.

THIS IS MY GRANDSON PECKER.

PECKER, THESE ARE THE FRIENDS OF MARY...

OR SO THEY SAY.

THEY'RE NOT BEING VERY NICE TO HER.

WE CAN SEE HER LIPS MOVING.

IT'S JUST A MATTER OF FAITH, LADIES.

HERE. COME ON.

SHUT YOUR EYES AND THINK OF THE COLOR BLUE.

OH, NO, YOU DON'T.

HERETIC!

MARYOLATRY IS NOT A JOKE.

FULL OF GRACE.

THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR MY CATHOLIC EARS,

AND I'M TELLING MONSIGNOR.

Both: HAIL MARY, FULL OF GRACE.

THE LORD IS WITH THEE.

BLESSED ART THOU AMONG WOMEN,

AND BLESSED IS THE FRUIT OF THY WOMB, JESUS.

YOU CAN TELL THE POPE FOR ALL I CARE!

MY GRANDMOTHER'S A SAINT!

[DOOR CLOSES]

MEMAMA...

ASK MARY TO MAKE MY LIFE LIKE IT USED TO BE.

I'LL TRY, PECKER.

MARY...

PECKER HAS A REQUEST.

COME IN, MARY.

IT'S ME,

MEMAMA.

MARY, IT'S ME, AND I'M TALKING TO YOU.

MARY WAS SILENT FOR CENTURIES, RIGHT?

I GUESS YOU CAN'T EXPECT HER TO TALK ON DEMAND.

TALK, GOD DAMN IT!

MEMAMA!

PECKER,

IT'S YOUR PICTURES.

SEE WHAT THEY'VE DONE?

THEY'VE RUINED MY MIRACLE.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Man: COME ON!

Woman: RIGHT HERE, WAITING.

Man: COME ON.

HELLO?

THIS IS A GAY ESTABLISHMENT, YOU KNOW.

WE KNOW ALL ABOUT IT.

WE'RE HERE FOR THE TEABAGGING.

WHAT TEABAGGING?

WE SAW PECKER'S PICTURES. THEY'RE HILARIOUS.

GIVE ME THAT.

ALRIGHT, LISTEN UP!

THERE'S NO TEABAGGING HERE,

AND THERE'S NO STRAIGHT PEOPLE ALLOWED, EITHER.

Crowd: WHAT?

COME ON NOW, ALL OF YOUSE.

I NEED TO SEE SOME GAY I.D.,

OR YOU'RE OUT OF HERE.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

TAKE THE MONEY, OKAY?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

WHO WILL BE MR. ROUGH TRADE BALTIMORE?

[CHEERING]

GET AWAY, PECKER.

* YOU'LL FEEL A LOT OF LOVE POWER *

DID YOU HEAR ME?

* DON'T DROP THE SOAP *

* FOR ANYONE ELSE BUT ME *

WILL IT BE DEATH ROW DAVE?

* DON'T DROP THE SOAP *

* FOR ANYONE ELSE BUT ME *

* DON'T DROP THE SOAP *

* FOR ANYONE ELSE BUT ME *

DAVE'S A 3-TIME LOSER,

AND HE'S SENTENCED TO THE CHAIR,

BUT HE'S STILL GOT A BONER!

[CROWD CHEERS]

HIS LAST REQUEST--

ONE MORE HUM JOB BEFORE THEY PULL THE SWITCH.

[CROWD CHEERS]

WELL, HERE HE COMES.

HE'S MATT THE THIEF.

[CROWD CHEERS]

HE'S BARELY LEGAL, BUT HE'S GOT THE BEEF.

THE KINDEST FACE YOU'LL EVER FIND,

BUT IF YOU OWN A STORE,

HE'LL SHOPLIFT YOU BLIND.

Man: YEAH!

YOU RUINED MY CAREER, PECKER.

OH, MATT, I'M SORRY.

* YOU BE THE MAMA *

* I'LL BE THE POP *

BILLY!

BILLY HECKMAN!

DAD?

YOU ARE QUEER!

NO, MOM, I'M TRADE.

THE QUEERS BLOW ME.

OH! OHH! OHH.

I DON'T BLOW THEM. I'M STILL STRAIGHT.

* DON'T DROP THE SOAP *

* FOR ANYONE ELSE BUT ME *

YOU GET OFF THAT BAR AND COVER YOURSELF!

COME HERE. WATCH YOUR BEER, SIR.

Man: AW, COME ON.

WE'RE GETTING OUT OF HERE.

TINA...

YOU'RE FIRED.

OH, GOD, NO, MR. NELLBOX.

THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.

DON'T BLAME TINA.

PLEASE.

MR. NELLBOX...

TRADE IS MY LIFE.

[SOBS]

Man: BECAUSE OF YOUR PICTURES,

LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO YOUR SISTER.

Rorey: WASHING MACHINE PERVERT, RIGHT?

YEP.

FABULOUS.

YOU KNOW, I SOLD THIS ONE TO L'UOMO VOGUE.

GOOD.

AND THIS ONE-- DON'T YOU THINK IT WOULD BE PERFECT

FOR THAT SPECIAL EDITION PARKETT MAGAZINE WANTS YOU TO DO?

YEAH, SURE.

ROREY, WE GOT TO TALK.

THESE PICTURES...

THEY'RE JUST SUDDENLY ALL SHIT.

NONSENSE, PECKER.

YOUR WORK JUST EVOLVED.

CONGRATULATIONS.

WHAT'S THIS?

WE'RE DOING GREAT.

WOW.

AND FOR YOUR WHITNEY SHOW...

IT WILL BE A TRIUMPH OF PAIN.

THAT'S A TERRIBLE POSTER.

Pecker: I WANT TO LIKE IT. I--I JUST DON'T.

SHELLEY'S OUT OF CONTEXT.

SHE'S--SHE'S NOT LIKE THIS.

PECKER...

HOW CAN YOU BE SO KIND AND GENTLE

AND STILL HAVE TALENT?

I JUST TRY TO DO GOOD WORK.

COULD WE BE TOGETHER

JUST ONCE?

YOU MEAN...

UH...

FOR THE WHITNEY?

BUT YOU'RE MY ART DEALER.

THAT'S RIGHT. I AM,

AND I ALSO UNDERSTAND YOUR VISION.

JUST ONCE--

FOR ART.

OH, MY GOD!

SHELLEY!

SHELLEY, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE WORK!

I HATE MODERN PHOTOGRAPHY!

I'M SORRY, PECKER.

I--I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THIS TO HAPPEN.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE SEX WITH PEOPLE

YOU'RE TRYING TO HELP.

I DIDN'T PLAN IT.

I LIKE SHELLEY. SHE'S A SWEETHEART.

I JUST WANTED A REAL BOYFRIEND,

NOT SOME ART PERSON.

CANCEL THE WHITNEY.

NO! PECKER, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

I WANT MY FRIENDS, AND I WANT MY FAMILY,

AND I WANT MY CAREER BACK!

Rorey: LOOK, LET'S TALK.

PECKER, DON'T LEAVE NOW. WE CAN WORK THIS OUT.

PLEASE.

SHELLEY!

PECKER, WHAT ABOUT NEW YORK?

THEY CAN COME TO ME THIS TIME, ROREY.

I'M GOING TO HAVE MY OWN SHOW

RIGHT HERE IN BALTIMORE.

BUT THE WHITNEY!

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL THE WHITNEY!

SHELLEY, I LOVE YOU!

SHELLEY, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN KODAK!

SHELLEY!

WAIT!

SHELLEY!

HELP, POLICE!

HE TOOK A DUMP WITHOUT BUYING ANYTHING!

Matt: GET OFF ME.

POLICE! I'M MAKING A CITIZEN'S ARREST!

HEY, MATT, I GOT PAID.

I'M GIVING YOU A JOB,

AND THIS TIME, YOU'RE ON SALARY.

ALRIGHT, PECKER-MAN.

YOU'RE THE BOSS.

BASTARDS!

Pecker: SHELLEY!

HELLO. VOTING CARD, PLEASE.

OKAY, YOU CAN TAKE THE SECOND BOOTH ON YOUR RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

Pecker: SHELLEY!

SHH!

GOOD AFTERNOON, GENTLEMEN.

YOUR VOTING CARDS, PLEASE?

I DON'T HAVE IT WITH ME, BUT I'M REGISTERED.

MY NAME IS PECKER.

UM...

EXCUSE ME. DO YOU HAVE A BATHROOM I COULD USE?

THIS IS A POLLING PLACE,

NOT A FILLING STATION, YOUNG MAN.

EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME.

VOTING BOOTHS ARE PRIVATE PLACES, MR. PECKER.

IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD CONCENTRATE

ON MY OWN PERSONAL CHOICE OF CANDIDATE

AND NOT THE CHOICES OF OTHERS.

YES, MA'AM.

BUT I REALLY HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM.

ONE WOULD THINK A SERIOUS VOTER

WOULD ELIMINATE BEFORE LEAVING HOME.

BUT IT'S AN EMERGENCY. I MEAN IT.

[SIGHS] ALRIGHT.

HERE.

THANKS.

IT'S THROUGH THAT DOOR

AND TO THE LEFT.

TO THE LEFT!

OW.

PECKER. SHH.

MR. PECKER?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

PECKER, I'M TRYING TO VOTE.

OH, COME ON.

MR. PECKER, DID YOU HEAR ME?

OH, GOD.

QUICK, LET ME STAND IN YOUR BAG.

PECKER...

LOOK. SHE CAN'T EVEN SEE ME NOW.

[SIGHS]

ATTENTION, VOTERS.

NO 2 PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED

IN A VOTING BOOTH.

MORE THAN ONE PERSON

INSIDE A VOTING BOOTH

IS A FEDERAL OFFENSE

PUNISHABLE...

BY UP TO 3 YEARS IN PRISON.

OH, SHELLEY, PLEASE COME BACK.

WITHOUT YOU, MY WORK IS SHIT.

ROREY'S YOUR WORK.

IT'S YOU THAT I LOVE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THAT ART CRAP.

YOU COULD IF YOU JUST OPEN YOUR EYES.

PECKER, I WORK IN A LAUNDROMAT.

ART'S EVERYWHERE.

YEAH, IN MY ENDLESS BAGS OF DIRTY LAUNDRY.

YEAH.

IT IS, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

WHAT?

THE BRILLIANT GREEN OF A GRASS STAIN?

YES.

THAT'S ART.

THE SUBTLE YELLOW OF A URINE SOAKED SHEET?

YEAH.

YEAH. KEEP GOING.

IT'S WHAT YOU SEE EVERY DAY.

THE AQUA BLUE OF COLD WATER

AS IT DILUTES A VIOLENT RED BLOOD STAIN?

OH, YOU GOT IT.

OH, BE SPONTANEOUS FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.

PECKER, I'M SCARED.

YOU MEAN THE ALMOND BROWN OF A STUBBORN MILDEW STAIN

CAN BE BEAUTIFUL?

YES. YES. LET YOUR MIND GO,

AND YOU'LL BE FREE FOREVER.

OH, PECKER, I THINK I FINALLY SEE IT.

OHH. ART, SHELLEY.

ART.

PECKER, USE A CONDOM.

OKAY.

[BOTH MOANING, BOOTH RATTLING]

[BOTH MOANING LOUDER]

HO HO HO HO!

AAH!

[HORN HONKS]

[CHATTERING]

OKAY, SETTLE DOWN, FOLKS.

SETTLE DOWN. I KNOW WE'RE ALL EXCITED.

TAKE IT AWAY, PECKER.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

WELCOME TO PECKER'S PLACE.

Crowd: YAY!

YEAH!

* I'M A PECKER MAN *

* I GOT MY SHOES ON STRAIGHT *

* I'M A PECKER MAN *

* AND ONE OF ME TO YANK *

* I'M A PECKER MAN *

* AND I JUST CAN'T WAIT *

* I'M A PECKER MAN *

WHOO!

YEAH! YEAH!

WE'RE HERE WITH PECKER'S GRANDMOTHER MEMAMA.

TELL US, MEMAMA-- WHY WON'T MARY TALK?

SHE WENT UP, THAT'S ALL.

MARY'S BROKE.

BUT IF CHANNEL 45'S VIEWERS

PRAY HARD ENOUGH,

MAYBE OUR LADY WILL SPEAK AGAIN.

AND I'M SLOANE BROWN,

CHANNEL 45 NEWS,

LIVE AT PECKER'S PLACE.

WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN? HOW YOU DOING?

HOW YOU DOING? YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.

YES, YOU'RE GOING THROUGH. I KNOW YOU.

LOOK.

FRIENDS OF THE WHITNEY...

THIS IS BALTIMORE.

OH HO HO!

WONDERFUL. LET'S GET OFF.

LOOK...

A ROW HOUSE. [GASPS]

WITH WHITE MARBLE STEPS.

IT'S JUST LIKE HIS PICTURES.

Larry: IT'S SO DIGNIFIED.

Lynn: SO POWERFUL.

IT'S ALMOST SEXUAL, ISN'T IT?

YOU WITH THE GOITER IN THE BACK, YES.

HI. HOW YOU DOING? YOU.

YOU. HOW YOU DOING, SIR?

EXCUSE ME, I'M JED COLEMAN.

THIS IS THE GROUP FROM THE WHITNEY MUSEUM.

OH, OKAY, IT'S $4.00 FOR EACH OF YOU.

OH, I, UH...

I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS A COVER CHARGE.

I THOUGHT YOU LIKED IT WHEN I STOLE.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

CONGRATULATIONS, PECKER.

WELL, THANK YOU.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S NOT JUST ME.

IT'S MY FRIENDS.

IT'S MY FAMILY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? EVERYONE HERE INSPIRES ME.

PECKER SEES NEW YORK FROM THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN,

AND IF YOU JUST OPEN YOUR EYES,

YOU'LL SEE IT, TOO.

OH, SHELLEY, I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.

THAT SKINNY LADY IN THE PHOTO--

HA HA! THAT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS.

I LOVE IT.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'RE OPEN FOR BUSINESS.

WHAT DO YOU GOT TO TRADE?

HELL, I DO OWN A BAKERY.

HOW ABOUT COMPLIMENTARY BIRTHDAY CAKES

FOR EACH MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY

FOR 2 YEARS?

IT'S A DEAL.

I'M PUTTING IT RIGHT IN MY RUMPUS ROOM.

OH, MR. COLEMAN,

SO GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA?

WELL, IT...

TAKES A LITTLE GETTING USED TO.

HI, MARY!

WELCOME TO BALTIMORE.

[WOMAN LAUGHS]

[SNAPS FINGERS]

I DIDN'T KNOW PECKER WAS SHOWING THIS WORK.

YOO-HOO!

PECKER, DARLING.

I WANT TO SEE LOWLIFE.

SHOW ME DOWN AND DIRTY.

OH, WELL, IT'S JUST US, LYNN.

YOU REMEMBER SHELLEY, RIGHT?

CONGRATULATIONS.

Man: OOH! OW!

OH, MY GOD.

YOU LOOK DARINGLY ORIGINAL.

THERE'S NOT A CATALOG, IS THERE?

NICE TITS, MA'AM.

[WOMAN LAUGHS]

HEY, IT'S LIQUOR LADY.

WANT TO DANCE?

YOU KNOW, I ONLY HAD 2 DRINKS THAT NIGHT.

THINK I CARE?

I DRINK, TOO.

YEAH, SET 'EM UP.

THERE YOU GO.

OH, MISS BETTY,

NOW, THAT LOOKS WONDERFUL.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

WILL IT WRINKLE IF I SLEEP IN IT?

OH, NO.

NOT THAT FABRIC.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S FLAMEPROOF, TOO,

IN CASE SOMEONE SETS YOU ON FIRE.

ALRIGHT.

I'LL TAKE IT.

Joyce: GOOD.

OH!

ISN'T FASHION SOMETHING?

[BOTH LAUGH]

OH, HERE COMES THE VEGAN.

CHRISSY'S A GOOD LITTLE GIRL.

SHE LOOKS SO DIFFERENT.

LITTLE CHRISSY'S OFF THE DRUGS.

Joyce: MM-HMM. SHE'S SUGAR-FREE

AND ON THE ROAD TO A BALANCED DIET.

THANK YOU, HONEY.

HEY, COME ON, GORGEOUS,

BE HONEST.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME

A STRAIGHT GUY ASKED YOU TO DANCE?

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

GO ON, VENETIA.

GET IT, GIRL.

GO ON. YOU'RE IN BALTIMORE.

* WATCH OUT, WATCH OUT, WATCH OUT *

Crowd: WHOO!

HMM.

CONGRATULATIONS, PECKER.

SHELLEY.

THANK YOU. I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD COME, ROREY.

THIS IS MY NEW DISCOVERY RANDY.

HE'S FROM NEW JERSEY,

AND HE IS THE FIRST BLIND PHOTOGRAPHER.

I FEEL PORTRAITS,

AND I SMELL LANDSCAPES.

I'M GIVING HIM A SHOW IN NOVEMBER.

IS THAT OUTSIDER ART?

NO MORE LIGHT READINGS.

NO MORE FOCUSING.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD GIVE HIM A SHOW IN YOUR LAUNDROMAT.

SEND ME SOME SLIDES.

I'LL DO THAT.

OKAY!

Man: WHOO!

[TAKES PICTURE]

Man: GO, T-BONE!

Man: YEAH!

[CROWD CHEERING AND WHISTLING]

Man: ALRIGHT, T-BONE!

Man: YEAH!

NO PUBIC HAIR!

Man: HEY, HEY, NO PANTS!

[TAKES PICTURE]

[TAKES PICTURE]

[WHISPERING] Take your pants off.

[TAKING PICTURES]

OOH, TEABAG HIM, LARRY.

Crowd: WHOA!

BRILLIANT WORK, PECKER.

THANKS, MR. HALLBROOK.

Man: SHAKE IT, SWEETHEART!

Man: WHOO, HOO, HOO, HOO!

RIDE IT, BITCH!

RIDE IT LIKE A BUTCH BOTTOM!

OHH, NEW YORK WAS NEVER LIKE THIS!

HOLY MARY,

MOTHER OF GOD.

PECKER!

SHE'S TALKING,

AND I'M NOT SAYING ANYTHING.

Mary: FULL OF GRACE--

HOLY MARY, MOTHER OF GOD.

OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED.

FULL OF GRACE--

HOLY MARY, MOTHER OF GOD.

[TAKES GRACE. HOLY. PICTURE]

HOLY. HOLY.

GRACE. GOD.

HOLY.

PECKER,

DO YOU THINK IT'S A REAL MIRACLE?

YES, MEMAMA.

YES!

[SNORTS]

QUIET, EVERYBODY. QUIET, PLEASE.

QUIET, EVERYBODY. QUIET.

COME ON IN. GATHER AROUND.

PECKER,

GET UP HERE.

[CROWD CHEERING]

I HAVE A TOAST.

I HAVE A TOAST.

TO PECKER.

Crowd: TO PECKER!

AND THE END OF IRONY!

YAY, PECKER!

SO, WHAT'S NEXT, PECKER?

WELL...

I THINK, UH...

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M THINKING OF DIRECTING A MOVIE.

Man: ALRIGHT!

[CROWD CHEERS]

Paul Evans: * I CAN LAUGH *

* WHEN THINGS AIN'T FUNNY *

* HA HA HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ME *

* YEAH, I CAN SMILE *

* WHEN I AIN'T GOT NO MONEY *

* HA HA HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ME *

* IT MAY SOUND SILLY *

* BUT, MMM, I DON'T CARE *

* I GOT THE MOONLIGHT *

* I GOT THE SUN *

* I'VE GOT THE STARS ABOVE *

* ME AND MY FILLY *

* WELL, WE BOTH SHARE *

* A SLAPPY-GO-HAPPY *

* HAPPY-GO-LUCKY *

* LOVE *

* WELL *

* LIFE IS SWEET *

* WHOA *

* SWEET AS HONEY *

* HA HA HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ME *

* HA HA HA *

[SINGER LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]

[SINGER LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]

* IT MAY SOUND SILLY *

* BUT, HMM, I DON'T CARE *

* I GOT THE MOONLIGHT *

* I GOT THE SUN *

* I'VE GOT THE STARS ABOVE *

* ME AND MY FILLY *

* WELL, WE BOTH SHARE *

* A SLAPPY-GO-HAPPY *

* HAPPY-GO-LUCKY *

* LOVE *

* WELL *

* LIFE IS SWEET *

* WHOA, YEAH *

* SWEET AS HONEY *

* HA HA HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ME *

* HA HA HA HA *

* HA HA HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ME *

[SINGER LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NEW LINE HOME VIDEO

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

* YEAH! *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* GO! *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *

* OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH *