Original subtitles

Okay, sweetie, we've got the electric blanket set,

the thermostat set, the remote control changer ready

and the clock radio set.

Honey, do you know our marriage would be over

if there was ever a power failure?

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

three separate views of love, American style:

the story of a husband who's not as far from home

as he thinks he is;

a sports fan, his troubled wife

and a lovely visitor from the East;

and our first story, about a man who would if he could

but won't when he can't, which we call:

Why won't you marry me?

Because I love you.

But if you loved me, you'd marry me.

And if you loved me, you wouldn't ask me to.

It's not such a big thing I'm asking.

You'd marry anybody who asked you?

Well, you don't happen to be just anybody.

I mean... what do you mean it's not a big thing?

It's not like marrying a perfect stranger, you know.

It's a little different with you.

Well, we're going around in circle.

If you loved me, you'd marry me.

And if you loved me...

you'd marry me.

But you're a minister,

it's your job to marry people.

Sure, sure, it's my job.

And, believe me, usually

it's one of the happiest moments of my life.

But it would be the saddest to marry you... to Bill.

But I love Bill.

Yeah.

Well, you used to tell me you loved me.

I know.

Susan, how could your feelings change so much?

I don't know.

Are you trying to tell me that you love us both?

I mean, it's not possible to love us both equally,

two men so completely different.

A used car salesman and... and a minister.

He's not a salesman, he's a sales manager.

Well, that's completely beside the point.

Now, Susan, don't tell me that you do love us both.

Well, there are some things I love about him

and there's some things I love about you.

Oh, great.

But, Richard, there are some things that

a girl looks for when she thinks of marriage,

and that's security.

Aha.

Susan, there is nothing more secure

than the house of God.

I mean,

this Honest Joe may have been in the used car business

for the past three years,

but the Almighty has been doing business

in the same place for centuries.

But I can't wait for centuries,

and right now, Bill's prospects look better.

Oh, Susan, I...

I can't believe it's a matter of material things.

Well... well, all right.

Very well.

You want to put it on a basis like that?

All right.

All right.

There's something I haven't mentioned before.

Seems that I've had inquiries from St. Luke's Church.

They're looking for a young minister.

Susan, it would mean a raise

and a nice house.

I promised Bill,

and I'm going to go through with it.

All right.

All right, do you want me on my knee?

Here I am.

Oh, Richard.

Listen, you were the one who insisted

that I choose between you and Bill.

Well, sure.

But I thought you'd choose me.

What?

Well, you don't think I'd insist on something

where I was going to lose, do you?

I'm not that stupid.

Richard, from a minister...

Well, I may be a minister, but I'm...

I'm also a man.

A man in love.

Oh, Richard, get up.

Well...

well, how did he propose?

Well, he said "Would you marry me?"

And what did you say?

I said, "Yes."

That's all? Just "yes"?

I mean, you didn't shout "Glory, hallelujah"

and jump up and down?

Well, we were in a delicatessen.

Oh, Richard, I'm sorry.

I really am.

But if it's happiness that you want for me,

this is what I choose.

And Bill and I would love you to perform the ceremony.

Yeah.

Well, I'm happy you finally chose me for something anyway.

It will be a small wedding.

We'll have it right here in the house.

And Bill's brother Bob will come in from the marines

and be the best man.

And my cousin will be the maid of honor.

Please, Richard,

it would be the most memorable day in my life.

In my life, also.

Will you?

All right, Susan.

All right.

I'll marry you.

But only because I love you.

This is crazy.

They're running this rehearsal like a real wedding...

Photographers, flowers, guests,

even a dame crying.

Well, you know Susan.

She wants everything perfect.

So why doesn't she get married now?

Because the real wedding's not for two hours.

Do you, William...

take this girl...

in sickness and in health?

Come on, man, get on with it.

Quit stalling.

Open it.

Go on, open it.

To

Be your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

Yeah.

Do you, Susan, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?

I do.

Didn't you read it?

Richard, please.

If there's anyone here who has grounds...

any grounds whatsoever, to object to this marriage,

speak now or forever hold your peace.

Well, don't you object?

But why?

Well, I got the job.

Susan, this is your last chance.

What is this? What's going on here?

Butt out, Bill.

Butt out?

From a minister?

Look, I'm the groom, why should I butt out?

You losing your mind?

I saw a chaplain go berserk once.

Terrible thing, terrible.

Please, Richard, go on with the ceremony.

All right, I'll ask just one last time.

Doesn't anyone have any objection to this marriage?

All right, then I do.

And on the grounds that this girl doesn't love that man.

Richard.

What's the matter with you, man,

have you gone off your stick?

I love Susan and she loves me.

Richard, what are you doing?

You're ruining the most important day in my life.

I ought to punch you right in the nose.

In a minute, in a minute.

Folks... folks, believe me,

I am very sorry for all this confusion.

I... realize that as a minister,

it is my job to perform this ceremony.

But I am also a man.

And as a man, I love this girl very much,

and I really believe that she loves me.

She's-she's just blinded by the fact that Bill, here,

can provide her with security.

Well, now I can provide her with just as much security.

And what's more important than that,

I can promise her she'll be happy all the rest of her life.

So I don't see that there's any choice.

Am I right, or not?

No pictures now.

I think you're right, young man. Go to it.

There, there, you see?

He agrees with me.

Susan, I love you and I am not going to marry you.

I ought to take you outside and beat you up.

If you need any help, you can count on me, bub.

Now please don't fight.

This is awful.

This is awful.

Gee... you're not like a minister at all.

You're like a real person,

with hangups and everything.

Look, Susan, let's get out of here.

We could, uh...

we can go to a justice of the peace...

We could elope to Las Vegas.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm just confused now.

I don't know what to think.

So, leave me alone, will you, Bill?

But this is our wedding day.

You want to marry me, don't you?

I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore,

except that I'm not getting married today.

So, go away, will you, Bill?

You mean that, Susan?

Yes, I do.

Okay.

Let's go, Bob.

We'll be out in the car if...

you change your mind.

Yeah, we'll give you five minutes.

If you're not there, we'll go without you.

I'd have just jammed the ring on her finger.

You're not much good under pressure, are you?

What's going on here, Reverend?

Is there going to be a wedding or isn't there?

Huh?

Oh. No. No, the wedding's cancelled.

All you nice people might just as well go on home,

if you don't mind.

There won't be any wedding today.

Aren't wedding rehearsals exciting?

Susie?

Everybody's leaving.

I know.

Well, I'm...

I'm sorry I ruined it.

But I guess I'd do just about anything for you.

For me?

Against me, that's what you mean.

Susan, now I love you,

but you just say the word

and I will never bother you again... I mean it.

Just tell me that you don't love me.

Just tell me that,

and I'll step out of your life completely.

I promise.

Well, I can't tell you that.

Does that mean that you do love me?

Maybe.

Oh, Susie, Susie!

Or I wouldn't have just grabbed at the chance

to get out of it with Bill so easily.

That's right. That's right.

You know, all I could think about during the ceremony

was the way I said "yes" in the delicatessen.

I should have yelled it out.

There, you see? That proves you don't love Bill.

And then when I said, "I do,"

it sounded so ridiculous.

But does it prove that you do love me?

I don't know.

Well, there's only one way to find out, isn't there?

What?

Susan... Yes?

Will you marry me?

Yes.

Yes, I will.

Oh, yes, I will.

Oh, glory hallelujah.

There's a lot of money in it, Bud.

I don't care.

If we grow watermelon, they'll call us "Uncle Tom."

Landis fading back to pass, Wolinsky's open

and he's got it, heading down the right sideline,

and, oh, what beautiful...

Wolinsky's down on the 48-yard line.

It looks like the Tornados are now on the move.

They're lining up without a huddle.

It's second down.

Casper's split to the left about three yards,

Evans to the right.

There's the snap. Landis fading back again.

Wolinsky's open and he's got it on the 30.

Down the sideline...

Norman? What? What?

Norman?

What?!

Where you going?

I'm leaving.

I can see that. Where you going?

Norman, I'm leaving you.

You're kidding.

Do I look like I'm kidding?!

You're not kidding.

Vera, please, I love you.

Bull feathers.

You don't love me.

You love Arnold Palmer,

Wilt Chamberlain and Herman Killebrew.

Harmon Killebrew.

You love me...

I do. I love you.

You love me?

You love everything on that boob tube

that grunts, squeals, groans, kicks, bites, scratches,

bats, bowls or bounces.

You trying to tell me you don't like sports?

Me? I love sports.

I'm the biggest sport in this house.

I'm your batting practice pitcher, your tackling dummy,

your human hockey puck.

Vera, please, don't go. I'm your husband.

You're not a husband, you're a fan.

Vera, wait till after this play.

We'll talk it over. Vera?

All the way! They can't stop him!

Down on the two-yard line!

First and goal!

Vera, come back!

There's a leak in the front left tire!

Which is a very smart move

as Walker is a very versatile quarterback.

And this could mean a flat pass, a look-in

or it could mean a keep.

Ram, by the way, completed six out of eight

in the first quarter.

Walker starts the count.

It's a handoff to the fullback Noll, but no gain.

But, Ethel, she's been gone two weeks now.

You're her best friend.

If you don't know where she is, who does?

Look, in case you hear from her,

will you... will you tell her to call me up?

But not during the game.

Around the turn and heading for home,

it's Peartree on top by one,

Bananas a second ahead, Bantini is third on the rail

and Postwhite is fourth.

It's Peartree and Bananas...

In a minute, they're in a stretch.

Bananas, Bananas, let's go. Bananas, get in there.

Come on. Ride, ride.

Let's go!

Come on, go!

Go, you bum, you.

All right.

Uh, I think you want the Yamamoto family

down the street.

It's the place with the yellow trim

and the pagoda birdhouse on the roof.

Norman-san,

it is your Kyoko.

Kyoko.

Kyoko?

Kyoko?

Have I... have I changed so much?

Kyoko!

Holy Toledo.

Kyoko!

Oh.

Oh, my, it's been a long time, Kyoko.

I have counted every hour.

You did?

Gee, that's wonderful.

Thanks, Kyoko.

Oh, my.

Holy Toledo.

Um... will you ask me in?

Will I... will I ask you in?

Kyoko.

I don't believe it.

Kyoko.

Kyoko.

Kyoko?

It keeps the house cool.

This is, uh...

It's usually a little neater than this,

but my, uh,

my housekeeper left unexpectedly.

You are as I remember you, Norman.

I am?

You're kidding? I mean...

Aw, come on.

Yeah?

Your eyes are the same.

Well, so are yours.

Both of them.

Uh, would you...

Domo.

Well...

well, Kyoko.

What are you, uh...

what are you doing in, uh...

in this, uh, part of town?

Little vacation?

You visiting your relatives maybe?

Scouting for the Japanese baseball league?

No.

I have come to see you.

Me?

All the way from Japan?

Yes, Norman-san.

Do you recall the last words you spoke to me when we parted?

The last words?

Well, it, uh...

well, it could either be ohayo

or sayonara.

I, you know, I could never remember

which was "hello" and which was "good-bye."

What you said...

if I was ever in your country,

I was to come to you.

I said that?

I probably did.

Oh, but who'd have figured?

I mean, not that I... not that I didn't mean it.

I mean I really meant it

at the time.

Look, Kyoko, how did you find out where I lived?

Uh, forget it. You found out.

Uh...

How do you, uh,

how do you like America so far?

Oh... I like it much better now, Sergeant.

Well, I'm not a sergeant anymore.

I'm just... just a poor civilian

in the hardware game.

Do you remember the happy days we spent together?

The nights weren't too bad either.

I brought this one for you.

Oh, one of them crooked trees, huh?

It is from the garden of Tosun.

Do you remember?

Garden of Tosun?

Yeah! Yeah!

It was two blocks kitty-corner from the soccer stadium.

It is where we met.

We met at the soccer stadium?

No. The garden of Tosun.

That's right.

You were having tea with that funny little guy.

That's my father.

Wonderful fella.

Oh, he was a wonderful fella.

Especially when he get got a little sake in him.

Remember?

Oh, by the way, would you like a little something?

Can I get you a beer or a low-cal?

No, thank you. Norman-san,

I have something else for you.

Yeah?

Kimono.

Do you remember?

Let's see.

"Logan, N. 36398774.

No starch."

It's mine, all right.

Will you put it on, Norman?

You mean now?

I have long dreamed of it.

You're kidding.

You mean you dreamed of me putting on my kimono?

Yes. It would please me very much.

Well, I don't want to blow a dream for you.

Boy, the old kimono.

You remember the first time I put this thing on?

Hey, still fits.

Not bad.

Not bad. Yeah.

Oh, Kiyoko, you don't have to do that.

Oh, I wish to.

The Japanese has a saying,

"The house of love must be no less clean

than hearts of lovers."

Great. Look, while you're cleaning up,

I'll catch the hammer throw finals on educational TV.

And I don't know about you viewers,

but this is the most exciting hammer throw finals

I've ever been to.

As I told you from the beginning,

the champion is suffering from indigestion...

What will we drink to this time?

To old friends who are not present.

Uh, let's forget old friends who are not present.

How about we drink to Disneyland?

Kanpai. Kanpai.

Norman?

Yes?

Do you remember

the thing you loved best between us?

What thing?

You like to walk on the furniture?

No, Norman.

The old back massage.

Would you like me to do it?

Gee, I don't know.

I don't know if I can still take it.

For old times' sake.

You ready? Yeah.

All right, Kyoko,

but watch out for the kidney area.

Oh, that's beautiful, Kyoko.

Ah! A little to the left.

Eh? That's the spot. Ooh, ooh!

Oh, wait a minute.

Kyoko, could you hand me that clicker on the TV set?

That's it.

The temperature's in the 70s,

with a slight breeze to the west.

Just in time for the kickoff.

All right, Kyoko, start walking.

And here we go!

Johnson kicking off.

You know, I think you put on a couple of pounds.

Oh, you know, Kyoko, you got some feet.

Hello, Norman.

Hi.

Oh... oh, hi.

Hi.

Uh... uh...

Yeah, that, that's, uh... Kyoko.

Uh, Kyoko, this is my wife, um, uh...

Vera.

Oh, yeah, Vera, Vera.

My wife, Vera,

this is, uh, uh, Kyoko, my, uh, m-my...

Your maid, I presume.

No, no, no, of course.

She's, uh, she's, uh, my-my gardener.

Oh, stop lying to me, Norman.

Where did this Japanese beetle come from?

Vera, please, remember your manners.

I'll remember my manners. You remember Pearl Harbor.

Excuse me.

I did not know you are married.

How come you didn't tell her

you were married, Norman?

Well, I-I-I... I don't know.

It just didn't come up in conversation, that's all.

Well, it just did.

We're married. Comprende?

Oh, for crying out loud, Vera.

She doesn't understand Spanish.

So we're even. I don't understand Japanese.

How do you like this?

I come home and find you living with a stranger.

She's not a stranger.

What?! Uh, uh, uh, well,

we knew each other when I was stationed in Japan.

What do you mean "knew each other"?

Nothing, nothing.

We, we just had a little sukiyaki together.

Sukiyaki.

Who are you kidding, Norman?

You can't even eat boiled rice without an alkalizer.

All right, all right, so we had a few laughs in Japan.

Big deal.

We weren't married.

I didn't even know you then.

Excuse me.

Uh, I have no wish for trouble.

I only meant to bring Norman, you know, inner peace.

Yeah, inner peace.

That's it, Vera.

Mm-hmm.

Well, let me tell you something.

The only inner peace he's going to get is in jail

when I nail him for bigamy,

philandering, and... fraternizing with the enemy!

Vera, you're hysterical.

You're darn right I'm hysterical!

I come back to my own home

and I find my husband with a live-in geisha.

She's not a geisha.

How do you think that makes me feel, Norman?

I walk in here and the first thing I see

is this barefoot Kabuki doing a tap dance on your spine.

I thought you had bursitis, Norman.

Well, that shows you the way you listen.

It's in my arm, not in my back.

Excuse me.

And you're going to throw away our entire marriage

for this Asian floozy?

Just a minute.

Just one minute.

You're the one who walked out, not me.

Let me tell you something else.

It's a good thing...

It's a good thing she came here when she did

because this whole house would have been condemned

by the health department.

She keeps a great house.

So could I, if you didn't live here.

Excuse me.

And you're so glad to see me,

you haven't even picked up my suitcase.

Don't touch that suitcase.

I haven't decided yet whether or not I'm gonna stay.

Norman?

Norman, where are you going?

Haven't you any decency at all?

We're a triangle.

People shoot each other every day over things like this

and all you can think about is your crummy football game.

That's the Honeydew Bowl. I don't care

if it's the D.A.R. Olympics.

Excuse me. If you love this girl,

at least be a man and say so.

"In the spring,

your loveliness is as the song of birds"?

You wrote that about her?

Huh? Oh, oh, no, no, she... she wrote that about me.

Yuck.

Yuck yourself.

You can learn something from this girl.

Maybe you'd like me to walk on your back.

Don't knock it till you've tried it.

I'd love to.

With my golf shoes on.

Oh, thank you.

Excuse me. I...

I tell you what I'm gonna do with you, Norman.

You can have the girl, but I'll take the house,

the car, the furniture and the TV set.

Don't touch

that TV set.

Ah... I'm going to bleed you dry.

And don't say

I didn't warn you.

You're getting into real trouble now: mixed marriage.

I got news for you, Vera.

No marriage could be more mixed than ours.

Excuse me, Norman-san. Why don't we...?

What'd she say?

Ooh! "What'd she say?"

Don't get so excited.

All she said was, "Let's talk it over."

All right, who wants to talk first?

Okay, I will.

Yeah, that figures.

Now, let's look at it this way, Norman.

You're no prize package,

but we've been married for 13 years, right?

I thought it was 14 years.

What difference does it make?

The point is, there was something between us.

Oh, yeah.

Fights.

Sure, we fought, but look what we built up:

this beautiful home, beautiful furniture...

sterling silver, a car with a new left front wheel and tire.

45 bucks. I knew it.

Get dressed, honey.

What can she do to top that?

I can give Norman things of spirit...

Tranquility, harmony, a sense of poetry.

The only poetry he knows is,

"There once was a lady from Worcester,"

and he recites it when he's smashed.

When the labors of the day wears him,

I will bathe his body.

I'll have a Bloody Mary waiting in the front door,

and he can bathe his own body.

Norman.

Norman!

Huh? Huh?

There seems to be a little disagreement

as to which one of us can do the best for you.

Uh, we'd like to hear your views on the subject.

Uh, I-I don't know. It's a tough decision to make.

You see the problem?

I shall change him.

Change him?

Honey, you're gonna have to walk

on more than his back to change him.

You'll have to walk all over his head.

Do you know what Norman likes?

I'll clue you in.

He likes cheap cigars, penny ante poker,

barbecued hot dogs, canned beer,

torn gym shoes...

And television.

Right.

Look at him.

A closed-circuit head on a solid-state body.

He turned his back on us for the joys of football.

Oh, it's not only football.

It's baseball,

basketball, curling,

sheep shearing and shot-putting.

In my country, we have a saying.

"When the two robins fight over a single worm,

it is perhaps the birds, not the worm, who should turn."

Worm is right.

Come on. Get in. Come on. Get in.

Hey, what are you doing?!

It's in the middle of a touchdown play!

You're just going to have to take a minute out.

What?

Norman-san, I am leaving.

It is clear that you have no need for me.

Or me either.

I'm going with her.

W-Wait a minute, girls.

Wait a minute. What are you talking about?

W-W-Why can't we talk it over, huh?

What do you say?

Sayonara.

Yeah. Sayonara.

Sayonara?

What is that, hello or good-bye?

It ain't hello.

He crosses the 35, 40, 45, across midfield.

Great blocking.

Oh, Lamar, I love you.

Please call me.

I beg you, Lamar.

I love you.

Hi. This is Lamar.

Lamar who?

And I really wish I could be with you,

especially tomorrow.

So I'll have a lonely birthday.

So what?

Look, honey, we... we knew it was going

to be a little tough at the beginning

when I got the promotion.

Just sell the house fast, will you? Huh?

Okay.

Yeah, well, it's...

it's a bachelor pad, you know?

Just four walls and a bed.

Just someplace to sack out after a hard day's work.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, right, honey.

I am trying to keep my spirits up.

I will, sweetheart.

I'll try to make some new friends.

You know what I'm going to be thinking about tomorrow.

I know it's the first birthday I'll be spending away from you.

I know.

Well, thank you, sweetheart.

Right.

Well, I'll be, uh, I'll be signing off now.

I'll talk to you soon, okay?

All right, darling. Bye-bye.

Good-bye, sweetheart.

And happy birthday.

Bye, darling.

Trevor, did you forget

that you were going to meet me at the 4:00 buffet?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry. Yeah.

Where's my head? Where's my head?

Well, I figured that you wouldn't be tracking too well

after that party last night.

So I decided to bring up a few little goodies.

I thought I'd find you up here, young lady.

Now you know the rules very clearly.

And catering to one member of the group,

unless they are sick or disabled, is a no-no.

Now take that food back down to the buffet.

Oh, but, Mrs. Kaplan...

And don't baby talk me, darling.

I just happen to be top dog around here,

and right now, Trevor and I

have some very pressing business to discuss.

So you just run along like a good little girl.

Well, it's not fair.

I've got dibs on him first.

Oh, honey, honey, come on,

just run along quietly, will ya?

I'll be down in a jiffy, okay? Okay.

Poaching, and at your age.

At my age.

Well, even dirty old women need love.

Don't they, Trevor?

Uh, yeah.

I guess so.

All right, so forget about love.

But a nice close relationship?

It wasn't so long ago

I could run rings around the chicks here.

Mrs. Kaplan, what was it you wanted

to talk to me about? Oh, please.

Call me Jenny.

I mean don't be so formal.

You're the cutest guy around here.

But, and you will forgive my saying so,

you're a, you're a little stiff, you know what I mean?

Loosen up a little bit.

Uh, was there some, uh...

official activity

you wanted to discuss with me, Mrs. Kaplan?

All right, we'll talk.

Where's my activities sheet?

Ah, here it is.

Let's see.

Ah, Monday, Alice B. Toklas bake out.

Tuesday, nude psycho drama.

Oh, we had a good turnout for that, we missed you.

Oh, that was the night of the power failure.

That was fun.

We oughta try and plan a few of those.

Now, let's see. Uh-huh.

Here it is. I found it.

Found what?

Tomorrow's program.

It's your birthday

and we are giving you an official,

spontaneous surprise birthday party

at the Tiki Hut and 9:00 p.m. sharp.

I just wanted to remind you, that's all.

Now, how could I forget my own, uh, official...

spontaneous surprise birthday party?

It's been posted on the bulleting board

for two weeks now.

We'll see you there, then, all right?

I wouldn't miss it.

Good. And, um...

do yourself a favor.

Loosen up a little.

Trevor!

Hey, Trev...

Wow.

This is a dark, dingy little bachelor pad?

Hello.

Huh?

Oh.

Hello.

Who are you?

I'm Rona.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Debbie, across the hall.

You looking for Trevor?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Oh. Well, um,

he's working late tonight.

You're a friend of his?

Mm-hmm.

You might say I'm one of his, uh, best friends.

Oh. From back east?

Uh-huh.

Well, um, I'm one of his

best friends in the West.

Oh. Well, you picked a bad time to see him.

Tonight's his birthday and we're having a party

in his honor and, uh...

well, he's gonna be pretty tied up tonight.

I see.

Yes.

Oh. I see you're married.

Yes.

Does your husband know you're here to see Trevor?

No. No, he doesn't.

But my husband and I may be on the verge of a breakup,

and he doesn't know that either.

Oh, gee, that's too bad.

Well, if it happens, you move into this building.

But I wouldn't get my heart set on Trevor.

He's sort of, um... taken.

Well, you can stay and talk to him till about 9:00,

but then the party starts.

See you later.

Just a minute.

Now, just a minute.

Don't... don't lose your calm.

Now, what would Dear Abby say?

She would say...

don't jump to conclusions.

That's right. Don't jump to conclusions.

Give him the benefit of the doubt.

Talk to him.

He's a mature person.

That's right. Give that two-timing, double-crossing

sneaky animal a chance to explain himself.

That's what I'm gonna do.

Sure. I'm just gonna sit right here

and be mature.

Well, I can't.

I-I just can't stand the suspense another minute.

Not only is he living with her, but she's got good taste.

Well, hello, there.

Is, uh, Trevor home?

I hope not.

There's nobody here.

Ah, then we have the place all to ourselves.

Uh...

You're a doll. What's your name?

Mary, as in Typhoid.

You're funny, too.

Uh, mine's Kurt, as in Crazy About Mary.

Yeah. I gotta be going now.

Hey, don't go. Are you a friend of Trevor's?

No!

Oh. What are you doing here?

Well, I-I just got into town and I was looking

for a place to live.

I understood that this was a model apartment.

Hey, hey, the wedding ring.

You better take it off.

That's against the house rules.

Why not?

Would you like a drink?

Why not?

I know what you're going through.

You know, even the grooviest divorce

can leave you sad, depressed and suicidal.

But you came to the right place.

I did?

You know it.

The Pleasure Dome is loneliness-proof.

It was designed to break down all the barriers.

This is the greatest place for singles to swing

in all of Los Angeles.

I can tell.

Oh, the pads are great, but, that's not it.

It's the activities.

Yeah. There's no fooling around

with the weekend trips to Disneyland

or computer dating or any of that lonely hearts jazz.

Nah, this is strictly an adult operation...

Round-the-clock swinging.

You'd really dig it here.

It's great for the newly divorced or the newly arrived.

Newly arrived?

Yeah, you know.

If you're new in town and you want to get

into a controlled atmosphere of...

we know what we're both here for, don't we?

You know?

Beginning to.

Listen, would you...

I mean, it...

If you would really like to know how it works...

Mm-hmm.

There's a birthday party tonight.

Would you like to be my guest?

Birthday party?

Yeah, it's for the guy in this apartment.

Trevor. It's his birthday.

It's a surprise.

Oh, that sounds interesting.

Will you go with me?

Sure.

I love surprises.

♪ ♪

How, uh, would you like to dance?

Yeah. Uh, where's the birthday boy?

Huh? Oh, Trevor? Yeah.

He's over there,

uh... with Debbie,

the girl with the body.

He-he seems to be enjoying himself, doesn't he?

He does all right.

He's a swinger, too.

Well, what do you think?

Mmm.

Oh, yeah.

Well, shouldn't we say hello to him first?

I mean, after all, it is his birthday.

Okay. We'll dance over, and I'll introduce you.

Okay.

Hey, Trevor.

Happy birthday.

Well, thank you very much.

Happy birthday, Trevor.

Oh. Mary, this is Trevor.

And, Trevor, this is Mary.

Hi.

Hi, Mary.

Debbie. Hello.

Mary might be moving into the building here.

Oh, is that a fact?

Well, that's great. Uh...

You know, I'm on the official welcoming committee.

I might just be one of your first visitors.

Well, why don't you welcome me with a dance?

You wouldn't mind dancing with Debbie, would you?

That's a great idea.

There's a lot to be said for this old-fashioned dancing.

You get closer to people.

Mmm.

You know something?

You can be awfully close to people

without really knowing them.

Oh, I don't know about that.

I feel I know a great deal about you just holding you in my arms.

Oh, yeah, like what? What do you know about me?

Well, like, for instance, you're about, mmm...

36-24-35, huh?

Ah. You're very cute.

Well, you're very cute, too.

Am I as cute as 38-22-35?

Come again?

Debbie.

Oh. Debbie. Oh, listen,

that's nothing. It's... believe me, it's strictly

a casual thing. Yeah.

It didn't look casual to me.

Oh, ho, come on. No.

Hey, listen, that, uh...

that perfume you're wearing.

It kinda reminds me of somebody.

Another girl?

Yeah, yeah. Somebody I used to like a lot.

Okay, you had your chance.

What do you say we get some food, Mary?

Okay. Bye...

Bye, Mary.

Well, am I still number one or do I have to try harder?

Oh, don't be silly. Don't be silly.

Gee, she did remind me

of somebody, though.

Yeah, she reminded me of somebody, too.

No kidding. Who?

Except for the hair, she looks like the girl

that I saw in your apartment this afternoon.

Uh... what girl?

Well, she said she was a friend of yours from back east.

Rona. Yeah, that was her name.

Oh. Rona.

Rona.

From back east.

Yeah, does that mean anything to you?

No, no, I never heard of her before in my life.

Listen, sweetheart, you just stay right here.

I'll-I'll be right back.

Maybe.

Thank goodness she finally found herself a protector.

Ah, that's nice.

Is she getting married?

No, she's getting A German shepard.

We don't allow animals in the building.

Oh, the birthday boy!

How do you like the party, Trevor?

Oh, it's...

Listen, Mary, could I talk to you privately for a minute?

It's very important. No, you can't talk...

I-I-I don't... Well, I was just...

I was talking to Mrs. Kaplan about moving into the building.

Great. You got to see my apartment.

It's sort of a model for all the other apartments, see?

She saw your apartment, Trevor.

But not at night, and that's when it looks all different.

Please, Mary, I've got to talk to you.

It's important. Would you excuse us, please?

You can't... She can't go with you.

Oh, I don't think that's right,

leaving his very own birthday party.

And with my girl.

I'll talk to him tomorrow.

Well, tomorrow will be too late.

Won't be his birthday anymore.

She won't be my girl anymore.

Hmm.

It's a nice little place you got here.

Who decorated it, Onassis?

Yeah, I guess it's, uh, pretty groovy,

but it's... it's also

pretty lonely.

It is?

Listen, don't let

all the hi-fi and the trappings fool you.

If you're not sharing this

with someone you're really crazy about,

it's... it's awful.

And how often is that, during an average a week?

This is the first time.

Oh, I bet.

Hey, how did you know

I like my martini one part gin,

one part vermouth, and four parts quince juice?

A wild guess.

Oh.

Hey.

Hey, I never felt vibrations like that before.

Never? Never.

Those are positively one of a kind.

Let's try it again.

Yeah, there's no doubt about it.

Those are the greatest vibrations I ever felt.

Except, uh...

What? What?! What is it? What is it?

No, no, no, those were the greatest.

So...

It's no use.

It's not use. I...

I can't go through with it.

I thought you said that they were the greatest vibrations.

I guess they were.

You guess? All right, all right.

So they're the second greatest vibrations.

What?!

Oh, Mary, look, this is a horrible thing to say

at a time like this, but I'm a married man.

Happily, medium, or just going along for the ride?

Well, I hate to admit it, but I'm...

I'm madly in love with my wife.

Ooh. Well, what brings you to the Pleasure Dome?

Well, I was transferred out here.

I just sublet this place from my office manager

just till my wife and kids can join me.

I don't know, for a happily married man,

you have a very great reputation

with a certain kind of neurotic girl.

Debbie? Poor Debbie.

Well, she... she sort of uses me

as a father figure, you know.

It's a...

I already have a father.

Oh, Mary, I...

I never felt this way before.

Listen, your vibrations are nearly as powerful

as my darling wife's, you know that?

Listen, this is the first time I felt this way in 134 days.

Oh!

Oh, Mary.

Well, there's no use fighting it.

Those are absolutely the second greatest vibrations I ever felt.

Hmm.

Mary, what's the matter?

Oh, I'm so ashamed.

Ashamed? Why?

Oh, yes, because

you're so good and so honest

and so faithful

and so sneaky and so two-faced

and so double-cross...

Mary, what are you saying?

What about an entire set

of women's clothes in your closet, huh?

Oh. No, no, Mary, hold it.

Just... Mary, please.

No, those-those belong to my office manager.

She left them here with-with most of her other things.

You mean your office manager is a woman?

Well, if she's not, she's under arrest in 12 states.

Oh, Mary, Mary, don't-don't cry, please.

Hey, look as soon as you move into the Pleasure Dome,

you'll meet somebody else, somebody equally unhappy and-and

lonely and miserable.

I'm not unhappy and miserable and lonely.

Well, I don't get it. Then what brings you to the Pleasure Dome?

Rona!

Yeah, yeah, phony Rona.

Oh, can you ever forgive me?

I don't understand.

Well, I-I came to surprise you for your birthday.

Well, you certainly did.

Oh, Trevor.

Trevor, I distrusted you!

Me? Me, the official father figure?!

Well, I came... I came into your apartment,

and I saw those singles and the sexy stereo,

and, oh, please, please, can you ever forgive me?

Well, I don't know.

I'll never distrust you again.

Okay.

Okay, on one condition.

Anything.

It's been 134 days with that electric blanket.

It's present time.

Happy birthday.

Heads.

Three out of five! Three out of five!

Uh... tails!

Five out of seven! Five out of seven!

Sooner or later, you're going to have to kiss me.

♪ ♪