Original subtitles

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

three separate views of love, American style:

Every man's dream and one man's nightmare,

bedtime games among the cliff dwellers,

and our first story about the bugs

in an otherwise happy marriage, which we call:

Barbara?!

Barbara?

You called, O master?

You have been using my drawing pen again.

I cannot tell a lie.

Yes, I have been using your drawing pen.

But then you are using my bedroom.

My studio is being redecorated,

I'm weeks behind on the strip,

Barney's called three times today,

and what do you mean your bedroom?

Well, if ours is part of mine and mine is part of ours,

then this is mine, and it is on loan to you.

Barbara, with this pen, when it isn't mangled...

I did not mangle your pen.

I used it to write a very brief note.

Well, that must have been a very important note.

I wrote a letter to the milkman.

The milk...!

You used this pen, my pen,

the pen that I use to draw "Ricky and His Pals" with?

Oh, forgive me, O master, I used the sacred pen.

I used Ricky's pen.

Now you're doing it again, aren't you?

Doing what?

You're making cracks.

Oh, I'm not.

Yeah, you are. You're making cracks.

Now look, Barbara, look, look,

I know that you don't think very much of Ricky.

But there are millions, millions of people

all across the country who...

To whom "Ricky and His Pals"

are part and parcel of their daily lives.

That's right. That's right.

Now, you walk up on the street and you ask anybody.

No, I wouldn't do that, Corbett.

I wouldn't do that. Well, you can, you can ask anybody on the street.

You ask them who Jean-Paul Sartre is,

Jean-Paul... you ask them and they say, "Who? Who?"

But you ask them who "Ricky and His Pals" are...

And...

He will tell you that he is part and parcel of his daily life. That's right!

That's why I'm not going to draw

the part and parcels of people's lives...

Millions of people's lives... with a dull pen.

Corbett, this is ridiculous.

I mean, I did not dull your crummy little pen.

Crummy? Crummy?!

Oh, oh, excuse me, it's yours.

Everything here is yours.

Nothing is mine.

Yeah, well, Barbara...

I mean, you paid for everything,

you own everything, it is simply on lend to me.

Oh, Barb...

Your pen.

Hyah!

All right, all right!

Oh, no! He may have friends in the neighborhood!

Corbett, could...

Ew, what is that?

Oh, it's awful.

No, don't!

You'll let him in! I'll let who in?

Whom.

Now, look, if you want to stay here

and be asphyxiated, that's fine.

But me, I'm going to leave.

Oh, oh.

Corbett, I really hate to beg,

but I found this old pen of yours... I mean, it's really old.

I think it's a souvenir from the 1939 World's Fair and I...

Corbett?

Corbett...

Stand right where you are.

What is it? Don't say anything.

I'll get him.

Put that down!

It's the fly, he's been bothering me all day.

It's my fly.

It's my pet fly and don't you lay a finger on it.

What do you mean your pet fly?

Just what I said, it's my pet fly.

Barbara, you're just being...

Ah-ah! Petty?

No, no, no, I wouldn't have said petty.

Well, how come I've never heard of him?

Oh, I don't have to tell you everything.

I mean, don't you think I have a life of my own?

Everything is yours, nothing is mine.

Well, not everything, because, you see, that is my fly.

I mean, I've had him for what, over a week.

He's just flying around, flying around?

I-I-I've never seen you feed him.

Well, you haven't seen me do a lot of things

because you've just been too busy with Ricky and his dummies.

Never mind Ricky and his...

All right, all right.

I will leave Ricky alone

if you will leave my fly alone.

All right, sweetheart.

Now you be a good boy and mommy will be back soon.

Corbett...

Don't you lay a finger on him.

I don't believe it.

Caesar!

Caesar, come here.

Well, where are you, darling?

Ah, there's mommy's boy.

Yes. How do you like your new house that mommy bought for you?

She bought it with daddy's money, so you say

thank you to daddy.

Caesar?!

Hey, Corbett, I hope you don't mind...

Why aren't you working?

I'm getting smashed.

At 11:00 in the morning?

What happened?

Don't ask.

You have a fight with Barbara?

I said don't ask.

I'm not asking, I was guessing.

Yeah.

Boy, I've never seen you drunk before.

Well, then this is

a big day for you, isn't it?

Now, look, I'm your manager, not a marriage counselor.

Is that right?

But I hate to see trouble between you two.

Mm, so do I.

Come on, what is it between you and Barbara?

Is it serious?

She thinks Ricky's silly.

Ricky's silly?

Does she realize how many papers

are carrying us now?

She doesn't care about that.

She wants me to be George Bernard Shaw

or Anton Chekhov or William Shakespeare, so...

Ricky doesn't mean anything to her.

Oh, that's serious.

Yeah, furthermore, furthermore,

since she doesn't value me,

she doesn't value my possessions.

Like my pen.

But that's awful.

You're a very important man.

Yeah, I know.

You make a lot of money. Mm-hmm.

She ought to take care of you like a king.

Mm.

No.

No, she wants her own life.

I mean, she isn't satisfied with getting her satisfaction

indirectly, you know, through me.

She wants to do her own thing.

Yeah? What's her own thing?

I don't know.

If I told you what happened this morning you wouldn't...

What did you do?

Nothing... I just killed a fly.

Now go on, you were saying... What?

I killed a fly.

I don't see him.

What... what's him?

You killed him. That was Caesar.

You killed him.

So I killed a fly. So what?

Have you turned Hindu or something?

You don't understand.

This is Barbara's own fly, her own personal fly.

She trained him and she loves him more than me maybe even.

He was in that cage, he must have got out.

Yeah, maybe it's a good thing I stopped him...

He was trying to make his getaway.

You don't understand.

You see, if Barbara comes out here and finds him dead,

then she'll think that I killed him on purpose,

and that's the end of our marriage.

Boy, that's it, I know it.

Ah, hi, Barney. Hi.

Uh, Corbett, I'm going shopping.

Oh, okay, uh, have a good time.

Are you catching a cold?

Me?

No, No. Why?

Well, I mean, your eyes are flushed,

your nose is all red.

Yeah?

Well, I guess I am, then.

Oh.

Well, I'll see you later.

Good-bye, Barney.

What am I going to tell her?

I don't know.

Yes, I do know.

We'll get her another fly.

No, no... you think it'd work?

Sure it'll work. She'll never know.

All those flies, they look alike.

Where we gonna find one?

I don't know, there must be one around here somewhere.

No, no, she keeps the place spotless.

Miserable in here, miserable.

What about the garbage?

No, no, she took it out this morning.

Oh.

I know... I know!

Where? Come on, I know where we can get one.

Now, look, fellas, what is this, a fraternity prank?

You know, when I was in college,

I had to find a balloon from a bubble dancer.

But I was a kid then.

And, well, you guys are adults.

You don't understand.

All we need is a fly, just any fly.

Mm-hmm, well, if I had a fly, just any fly, sir,

I'd give it to you.

But you see, I don't get very many calls for flies.

Look, sir, you seem like a reasonable man...

Uh-huh. I am.

That's why I'm going to ask you to leave.

We're leaving without a fly.

Look, fellas, I would like to help you,

I promise you I would.

How about, uh... how about a hamster

or a mouse or a guinea pig?

Yes, I'll sell you a guinea pig

for the same price as a fly

because if I had a fly, believe me,

she would be very expensive.

She? No, no, it's a boy fly.

Caesar. That's right.

Look, you guys are too fussy for me.

Now would you please get out?

Look, please, this is an emergency.

Now, certainly you must have a fly around here somewhere.

Yeah.

I beg your pardon.

We are absolutely antiseptic.

Now, if you don't mind...

Corbett. What?

Restaurant. Restaurant.

Where's the nearest restaurant?

Well, there's one around on Gilmore and another on Fifth.

You take Gilmore, I'll take the one on Fifth.

Hi.

Where have you been?

Out with Barney to a restaurant.

Oh.

He isn't back yet, is he?

Well, I thought you said he was with you.

Well, I did. But not exactly.

We went to different restaurants.

Oh.

How's Caesar?

Oh, he must have gotten out.

I guess he's around here somewhere.

Well, maybe the exercise will do him good.

Corbett?

Oh, I love you.

Oh, I love you, too, baby. Oh, Corbett.

I've got to tell you something. We have got to talk about...

There's something I've got to talk to you about.

No, me first, huh?

I'm, um, I want to tell you that

I really am sorry

about what I said about "Ricky and His Pals."

I mean... But that's what I want to talk about.

I know how much Ricky means to you

and what I said was just cruel.

But that's what I've got to say.

I hate Ricky and his pals

and Bertha and Spike and Knuckle Nose,

I hate that Knuckle Nose, I really hate him.

You hate him?

Yeah, I hate him and I want to quit.

I really do.

I'm... I want to write again.

Now, I may flop, once more,

and we may have to give up living like this,

but I want to quit.

Oh, Corbett!

Oh, that's what I want, too.

I mean, that's why I've been so cranky.

You will do it? Now pinkie swear. Yes, pinkie swear.

Just as soon as I see Barney.

Oh, Corbett, oh!

Could you get me a cup of coffee?

Of course.

Could you do that?

I love you.

I love you.

No sugar.

Oh.

Now wouldn't you know it?

I mean, I went to the market

and the one thing I forgot is the coffee.

Oh, well, that's okay.

I'm sorry. That's all right.

Oh, Corbett, you see how nice everything is,

I mean, when we don't keep anything from each other?

We just tell each other the truth,

everything's out in the open that way. Yeah. Yeah.

Um, Corbett...

there's one other thing I have to tell you.

What?

You know that green and white checked shirt,

the one with the thing there and there?

Oh, yeah, the one that was ruined in the laundry.

Uh, well, not exactly.

See, uh... I tore it up.

I mean, I was just so mad at you that day.

You tore it to shreds? Mm-hmm.

But that was my favorite shirt.

You're mad, right? Why would you...?

Well... Uh-huh.

It's just a shirt... whatever.

You tore it to shreds.

Corbett.

Well, I've got something to tell you.

Hmm? Mm-hmm.

Only I don't think you better look at me.

Uh-oh. It's a bad one, right?

Yeah, it's a bad...

I got us a fly, pal!

I have a...!

Forget it, Barney. Just forget it.

All right, now, Barbara, now brace yourself.

Caesar is dead.

We killed him today accidentally.

No, I killed him, I killed him.

I'm not letting you take the rap for me.

Okay, Barney killed him.

We spent all afternoon trying to find you another pet.

Now I just want you to know that

what's important to you is important to me.

What's the matter, Barbara?

Are you all right? She's hysterical.

Oh, Corbett.

He wasn't, was he?

Caesar was not your pet?

No, I...

I made it up to...

to make you mad.

But I will always love him.

You miserable wench.

Well, we've come to praise Caesar,

not to bury him.

Oh, wonderful, wonderful.

That's what I like to see.

Now just one more kiss and then back to work.

The strip's due this afternoon.

The strip's due this afternoon. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Barney...

Good-bye. Huh?

We've got more important things to get back to.

H-H-Hold it.

You know something?

I think I'm going to keep this little fly.

Yeah.

She's really awful cute.

You know, I got her off a fruit salad.

She likes me.

She'll do anything I say. Here, look.

Stay, Cleo.

That's right.

See that?

We're going home.

Lamar, I know you'd like me to be one of the boys,

but this is too much.

Mmm! Dee-licious.

You know what I'd like for dessert?

It's garbage night.

I would have settled for tapioca pudding.

You sure know how to turn off a mood, Alice.

Well, in that T-shirt and those slippers,

you're not exactly Engelbert Humperdinck, you know.

Would you tell me what this is?

Oh, I was going to tell you about that.

It's called a garbage can.

I know what it's called.

What do you call this?

Kirk Douglas in The Vikings?

$8.99.

Save-A-Lot Stores.

I saved almost two dollars by buying it.

You could have saved $8.99 by not buying it.

Do you know how long it takes me to make $8.99?

Two hours and seven minutes.

It sure is hard come, easy go around here, isn't it, Alice?

Oh, did you ever think it's not how much I spend,

but how little you make?

Don't start with the money scene now.

You knew exactly what I was when you married me.

Not exactly.

You knew I was a lineman.

Yes, but I imagined you were

a lineman for the Green Bay Packers,

not the phone company. Bong! Bong!

End of round one. You win that one.

All right, now for round two about the garbage can.

What was wrong with the old garbage can?

The garbage man condemned it.

He threw it on the truck and he said

it was giving the neighborhood a bad name.

Oh, since when does the garbage man care about

the looks of this neighborhood?

Since he moved next door.

Oh-ho-ho, well, I do hope that he approves of this one,

because you've got a beaut.

Oh, you've got a good one.

You've got the best can in town, Alice.

Bong, bong, end of round two.

Uh-huh, I guess I won that round, huh?

Oh, she sure does take all the fun out of fighting.

Honey?

Hmm?

You know what night this is?

I took the garbage out.

I mean it's Thursday.

Hmm?

Oh.

I don't want to play.

Oh, come on, just a little while.

I've got a headache.

Come on...

Oh... all right.

All right.

Only this time you keep the score.

I better, 'cause the last time, you cheated.

Now, here are the rules:

We each have half a million dollars.

Yeah. And we have ten minutes to spend it.

Whoever spends the most and gets the best wins.

Only one wish to a turn,

and if you exceed your half million dollars,

you're disqualified. Any questions?

Who goes first?

I'll go first.

Let's see.

I think I'll start

with a full-length, natural-dyed chinchilla coat

with a cowl collar and a matching muff.

I think I can pick one up for about $10,000.

Give or take.

One chinchilla coat, $10,000. Your turn.

I pass.

You know you can't do that.

The whole purpose of the game is for you to spend your money.

Well, I haven't made up my mind

what I want to spend my money on,

so I'm just going to leave it in the bank

and let it draw interest.

All right, you lose.

Wait a minute. I question that call.

I don't have to spend my money, Alice.

Why can't it be liquid for one night?

Because... because that's hoarding, and hoarding is...

well, it's un-American.

All right, Alice.

I'm going to play the game according to your rules.

I'm withdrawing all my money from the bank,

and I'm buying $500,000 worth of stocks.

Stocks? Yep.

What a stupid way to spend your money.

Yeah? Tell that to Howard Hughes.

The only thing you've got in common

with Howard Hughes is your wardrobe.

Aw, come on, Alice.

Stop making jokes and put me down

for $500,000 worth of stocks now.

Hey, your turn.

Do you remember what happened in 1929?

Oh, yeah. Red Sox won the pennant.

If you invest in the stock market,

it'll be 1929 all over again.

You want to bet?

You bet.

How much?

$100,000.

You're on.

Hey, Alice, you could have got that chinchilla coat

a lot cheaper if you bought it wholesale.

Now, if I were you,

I would stop shopping those glamour stocks

and buy 150 shares of American Rock and Steel.

It's a very solid company,

and their earnings are up 50 cents per share this quarter.

Yes. I'm positive it won't go down.

Have a little faith, all right?

Well, that's right. You can't lose a penny.

I have another customer, so I have to go.

Good-bye, Father.

And say hello to Sister Mary Immaculate for me.

How do you do? I'm Mr. Benjamin.

Hi. Oh, I'm John Bagley.

What can we do for you today?

Well, if a guy had a lot of money to invest,

where would he put it if he wanted to double it the fastest?

How much do you have in mind?

$500,000.

Call me Bob.

Won't you have a seat?

Oh, well, I am sitting down, aren't I?

I mean, take my seat. It's more comfortable.

Well, I'd just as soon sit where I'm sitting.

Anything you'd like.

Ms. Dash, please hold all my calls.

Mr. Bagley, as you know,

investing money is a very serious business.

The kind of money you're talking about...

You're still talking about 500,000?

Yeah.

It takes time:

time to analyze the board;

time to study your needs in depth;

time to put all the information through our computers;

and time to compile a personal portfolio

geared to your individual needs.

Ooh. How long does all that take?

About ten minutes. I'd like to get

you started in Tide Pool Oil.

You, uh... you did want to invest the entire 500,000?

Oh, sure.

Hey, by the way, do you validate?

Oh, get that, will you, honey? I'm busy.

Hello.

I'm sorry, but I'm sort of lost.

Could you tell me where Mr. John Bagley lives?

Go in, turn left at the couch, and there he is.

Mr. Benjamin, now, what are you doing here?

Honey, this is Mr. Benjamin, my stockbroker.

He's with Wyatt, Sloan, Brenner and Bean.

Oh, really? Which one are you?

Pleased to meet you.

Well, I was really surprised

when I found this address in this neighborhood.

Always been right here.

Well, actually, it has a sort of...

It's a kind of...

Oh, it's very... Camp.

We're moving real soon.

To the country?

No, no. Across the hall.

Get a better view of the back.

Well, I'm sure you must be very busy.

I'll just take a few minutes.

No, no. That's all right.

You come in. Would you like a beer?

No, thanks.

Alice, you get him a beer.

Get me one, too. Right.

Thanks, Mr. Bagley.

I, um... I hope you weren't too alarmed

at the news in today's paper.

Well, as a matter of fact, I was, yes.

I had a hunch you would be.

Mr. Bagley, this drop in the stock market is only temporary.

There's a huge sell-off, along with profit-taking,

not to mention the secretary's speech.

Oh, the market is sure to turn around

and go up in a few days.

You're sure of that?

The secretary said so in his speech.

Oh. Oh, here we go. Yeah.

What happened with Tide Pool Oil Company today, dear?

Well, unfortunately, they struck gas,

and the stock went down.

I thought, if they struck gas, that was good.

When they hit natural gas, then oil usually follows, and that is good.

However, your company struck unnatural gas.

What follows that?

You don't want to know.

They've already cleared the area.

But, to look on the bright side,

you haven't invested yet, so you haven't lost anything.

The market is still the best place to put your money.

Do you hear that, Alice? Do you hear that?

And that man is a money expert.

Mr. Benjamin, how can you sit there and say that

when he's already lost thousands of dollars,

and I haven't even lost a penny.

That is because you have no pennies to lose

because you spent it all on a lot of stupid junk.

Stupid junk?

Excuse me a minute.

Mr. Bagley, I thought you might be interested

in buying into the Huge Tool Company.

Huge Tool Company?

Oh, yes. They're very huge.

They make all that stuff they leave on the moon.

You call an English Tudor mansion in England stupid junk?

Oh, Alice, you bought that three weeks ago.

And what about that $10,000 stupid chinchilla coat

you bought last night?

And that diamond ring from Richard Burton?

South Colorado Mines.

I have a tip they're just about to strike borax.

Oh, you weren't so practical until last night.

What about that golf course you bought in Orlando, Florida?

You got a big kick out of buying that, didn't you?

Oh, you play golf? Well...

Don't mention it, but Plexigrass is a new issue.

It'll replace all the greens in the country.

And what about your racehorse?

Oats and barley? Excellent. Always excellent.

What about the farm and the boat and the roads?

Wait a minute. Give it all to charity.

In fact, I give everything to charity.

Mr. Bagley, before you do anything rash,

you'd better talk to Mr. Bean personally.

It's not a toll call, is it?

On second thought,

perhaps I'd better talk to Mr. Bean myself.

Mr. Bagley, before you and your wife decide

to do anything in the stock market,

you must promise to call me first.

Wait a minute.

I got a better idea.

Really?

Sell.

Right.

Oh, it's nice to be out of the market.

Sell what? To whom?

You owe me $100,000.

Put it on my tab.

There is no tab.

I tore it up along with the ledger.

What did you do that for?

Because the game is over.

Because... because you really ruined the game.

Well, just because I had a fling at the stock market?

No. It wasn't just that.

You couldn't just spend your money and have fun with it.

You had to go make some kind

of big business deal out of it.

It'll never be the same.

Listen. I'm sorry, honey.

I mean, I'm really sorry.

I didn't know the game meant that much to you.

Well, it did.

Oh. Well, I got a new game.

Only it's not a game.

Let's you and I take a cruise.

I told you, I don't want to play.

Not a make-believe cruise. A real-believe cruise.

Just you and I alone together.

You mean that?

Yeah. I got two weeks vacation coming.

Let's take that cruise we've always been talking about.

To Hawaii?

No. Catalina.

Of course, Hawaii.

Oh, that's wonderful.

We haven't been alone together since our honeymoon.

But Hawaii? Can we afford that?

No, but...

if we scrimp and save, we'll make it.

How?

We'll go last class.

Oh, I love you.

Hey, now I know why millionaires like to merge.

Webster, you said you were going

to give me a tennis lesson.

I am. Haven't you ever heard of a love match?

What's the matter?

Clam dip.

Ally Cooper?

Yeah.

Birthday greetings.

The party was last night.

On the other hand, what's wrong with another party?

I may hate myself for this later,

but are you sure you've got the right Ally Cooper?

Are you not Ally Cooper,

son of the king of Allah Salam, Azurae, the shah of Euphrates?

Son of who?

Dad!

Oh, no, no, no.

But it is from your father that I bring you salutations,

and a gift on your 25th birthday.

Where's the gift?

We are the gift.

And we're here to serve you as long as you live.

Ally, what's going on?

Who is this Shah of Salami, Azurae?

My father.

Your father's a king?

You never told me that.

So? You never told me what your father did either.

My father is a teamster.

There's a lot of difference between a teamster and a king,

unless you're head of the union.

Birthday happiness to you, master.

Duke, I've got to get rid of these people.

What am I going to do?

What are you worried about?

You don't throw people out with figures like that.

But they just can't stay here.

Aww, well, don't do anything

until they finish cleaning up at least.

Thanks a lot, man.

Master, master!

The arbor is finished.

We're ready to begin.

It is the custom of the land.

You must walk beneath the arbor while I blow on the ram's horn.

Just a minute.

If I do that, aren't I married to those girls?

Right. Wrong.

I don't want to get married to them; we're not even engaged.

First, you must get married, then you can get engaged.

It's your father's orders.

Come on, you just don't seem to understand.

We don't do this sort of thing in the United States,

not even in California, not even with my father's orders.

Wait a minute.

Ally. What?

Wait a minute.

If your father is a king, that makes you a prince,

which makes it legal.

You can have two wives.

It may be legal in Euphrates, but it's not legal here.

And even if it were, I've got Pam.

Listen, two birds in the arbor

is better than one on the other side of town.

But you don't understand.

I'm engaged to be married to Pamela.

You always said you wanted a big family.

I meant children, not wives.

Pam's coming for dinner tonight.

I don't, I don't think she'll understand.

So break the date, dummy.

What about, what about tomorrow and the rest of my life?

Well, look at the bright side.

What's that?

If I have to tell you, forget it.

There's got to be a way out.

I mean, I'm just not ready

to settle down with more than one wife.

So what are you going to do?

I don't know.

Yes, I do. What?

What any red-blooded American boy does when he's in trouble.

Hello, Mother.

Ally!

Oh. Hold on a moment, dear.

I'll put you on hold and put you up in the bedroom.

I'll be back in a minute, girls.

Ally, are you there?

How sweet of you to call me on your birthday.

Darling, we're having a lovely party here.

Why don't you come over?

Come over?

You're in New York; I'm in Los Angeles.

Of course I've heard of airplanes.

But, Mother, I-I have a problem.

Wonderful. Bring her along.

You don't understand.

I need your help.

Oh, my baby's getting married.

Like father, like son.

No, I meant your father and his father.

Mother, what are you talking about?

Well, I guess I'd better begin at the beginning.

Please, mother, not the old show biz stories.

You see, dear, on your father's 25th birthday,

his father sent him two wives,

and he liked it so well

that he decided to keep up the tradition.

You mean it's hereditary?

Yes, it's hereditary

and extremely annoying for the original wife.

That's really why I left him.

That and the fact

that he promised to support me for the rest of my days.

What about my problem?

Our problem, darling.

You send those girls back, and it'll offend your father.

And he'll cut me off without a single dinar

and he'll cut them off at the neck.

He wouldn't kill them, Mother.

You're putting me on.

No, really, darling,

if he thinks those girls haven't pleased you,

zap, it'll be the big harem in the sky.

What should you do?

Well, whatever you do, don't lose your cool.

Enjoy yourself, boobie.

It's your birthday.

Master! Master!

Omar, what is this? A revolution?

No, master, it's the infidel.

You mean, uh, Duke?

As soon as you went in there, he began staring at your wives.

So you pulled that just because he was staring?

But Master, there's no telling

what he might have done if I hadn't stopped him.

You stopped him? Wh-What did you do?

Nothing.

The coward locked himself in your bedroom.

Omar, if he's locked in the bedroom,

how can he stare at the girls?

Now, just go in the kitchen and... and whittle.

Stay away from me!

It's me, Ally.

Oh.

What are you doing?

Uh, uh...

I'm, I'm going to escape.

Well, I have to get to work somehow.

Since when are you in such a hurry to get to work?

Since your friend tried to remove my appendix,

and my tonsils with one incision.

Wait. I've already talked with Omar.

I'm sure he won't go near you if you won't go near the girls.

Is that the best you can get me?

Duke, I gotta get rid of them.

Well, I don't know about Omar,

but getting rid of the girls shouldn't be too hard.

What do you mean?

Well, if you have a girlfriend, and you don't want a girlfriend,

what do you do?

I change my phone number.

No, no, you do something to offend them.

How do you offend a slave?

Listen, they're women first and slaves second.

You can tell that just by looking at them.

You really think I could make them jealous?

Well, they're women.

Yeah.

Another girl.

They could see me hugging her and kissing her

and whispering sweet nothings in her ear.

It might work.

And if that doesn't make Omar fold up his wedding arbor

and steal silently into the night, nothing will.

If it doesn't work, it'll be fun trying.

All I need is somebody to hug and kiss.

Pam.

Hi.

Pamela, darling.

Ally, there's people watching us.

Yeah, and they're smiling.

Uh, Pamela, I want you to meet someone.

This is my uncle Omar

and my two cousins Maya and Dina.

They're visiting from the old country.

Oh, well, I'm so pleased to meet you.

Uncle Omar is cooking for us tonight.

Oh, good. Almost ready, Unc?

Well, master... ALLY: Mister.

Mister.

Mister. He still gets confused with some of the words.

Dinner will be a while.

Good. Then we can dance.

Dance?

Yes. I'll just turn the music on.

And we're dancing.

It's kind of impolite for us to be dancing

when your cousins are just standing there.

They do things differently in the old country.

Maybe so, but girls are girls.

You should ask them to dance first.

But Pam...

Ally, they're your guests.

All right.

Maya, Dina,

would you like to dance?

See, I told you they do things differently in the old country.

I guess you're right.

Looks like they cook differently in the old country, too.

I like it well done, but I doubt if it will serve five.

Perhaps there is a difference

between cooking in a stove and over an open pit.

Oh, that's okay, Uncle Omar.

Say, I know what we'll do.

I'll call the delicatessen and order some things,

and you can run down and get them.

We'll have a picnic in the front room.

Would you like that, Uncle Omar?

Good. The girls and I will fix up here while you run down.

Great. Be back in ten minutes.

Come on, girls. Let's set the table.

Wait a minute... Her here with the girls...

Uncle Omar.

Oh, listen very carefully.

While I'm gone,

I do not want you to tell Pamela that my father is a king,

that I'm a prince,

that you're my slave,

and, uh, that those two girls are supposed to be my wives.

Understand? PAMELA: Ally?

I was just... You'd better get going.

I was just leaving. Oh.

Uh, Pamela, if anything should happen while I'm gone,

I-I just want you to know I think you're a wonderful girl.

Ally, are you going to the delicatessen or overseas?

Got it.

Not yet you haven't.

Thanks, big mouth.

But master, I said nothing.

It was Maya and Dina.

What is it?

Oh, master, please forgive us.

We meant you no harm.

It's just that we were so excited

that your third wife

was going to... Third wife?

Who said she was going to be my third wife?

Well, the way you were holding her and dancing...

Wait a minute.

There's not going to be a third wife or a second wife.

And if things keep going the way they are,

there won't even be a first wife!

As a matter of fact, I'm moving out.

But master, what about us?

You can stay here as long as you like.

I'm not going to send you back to Euphrates.

No fate worse than death,

I don't want that on my conscience.

You can stay as long as you like,

but I've got my own life to live,

And it does not include two wives or an Uncle Omar.

Maya, Dina, I think the time has come for the tuflik.

Hey, Ally. Duke.

Omar and the girls are in the kitchen crying.

What's going on?

Where's Pam?

Pam didn't want to be the third Mrs. Cooper,

so she hit me with a salami and left.

Ooh, I hope it wasn't the hard kind.

Here's your suitcase. Let's go.

Go where? Anywhere.

We can come back later.

Right now I just want to get out.

Well, okay.

You go, I'll stay.

Oh, somebody has to take care of those poor girls.

What's that?

I don't know, but it doesn't sound like they're crying.

What is this, a harem hoedown?

No, master, the tuflik.

Well, that's probably the neighbors complaining.

Oh, Ally, I'm sorry.

I mean, you should have told me

about your father, and well, the whole situation.

I would have understood.

But when you found out, you hit me with a salami.

Oh, I was just impulsive.

Listen, you're really not going to marry them, are you?

Of course not.

Good.

Then why are they still here?

They're having a tuflik.

Hi, Pam. What's a tuflik?

Well, Omar says it's sort of a last fling,

a little final fun before they go home.

If they go home. Yeah, they know.

That's why they're having a little final fun.

Yeah, the sooner the better.

Pam, you don't know what you're saying.

If they go home, they're going to get their heads cut off.

You're kidding me.

No, no, he's not.

If his dad thinks they didn't please him,

he'll cut off their heads.

He's the king, you know.

Really? It's true.

Well, so, what if they lose their heads?

With bodies like those, who's going to notice?

Well, if that's true, you just can't let them go home.

What do you suggest?

We'll talk to them.

All right, talk to them. Talk to them.

Look, uh...

could you hold it down for just a minute?

Yes, master.

Uh, I don't understand.

Why... why must you go home

when you can stay here in town at a hotel?

If we stay, master, we'll displease you.

You-you won't displease me if I'm not here, so stay here.

Sire, we exist only to make you happy.

If we have failed, then we deserve our fate.

But I... I'm, I'm not unhappy.

If you were happy with us, then you'd be married.

Come, girls.

On with the tuflik.

What'll I do?

Look happy.

Look, girls, do I look like an unhappy man?

I'm smiling, see?

Look.

I'm dancing.

Would I be dancing if I weren't happy?

Happy, happy.

Not that happy.

But master, you said...

I-I said I was happy.

I-I didn't say I was getting married.

Come, girls, on with the tuflik.

I-I don't know what to do.

I do.

You're going to have to marry them, Ally.

You're both crazy.

Pam, I'm going to marry you.

At their expense?

You'll have lilies at the wedding.

Don't bow. I'm your father.

You bow. I'm your king.

Dad.

Just cool it, baby. Cool it.

Now you may be Andy Hardy, but I'm not Judge Hardy.

We do things differently where I come from.

Where you should have stayed.

Do you realize I have 75 more at home

just like you that I don't know what to do with, either?

Wow.

I do the talking.

Your mother called me.

Collect.

She told me I was messing up your life.

Well, I couldn't believe my ears.

So, I hopped on my jet and came to see for myself.

And what do I see?

I see those groovy chicks doing the tuflik.

You three, outside.

Now wait a minute.

You don't touch the king, your father.

I like those three people.

Well, the short one is not bad.

You can relax, son.

No harm will come to them because of your immaturity.

You know, I never should have let you go with your mother.

If I had raised you...

Oh, well...

you want this skinny American, huh?

Fine, go ahead.

But you'll learn, believe me.

Can you take care of him?

It looks like he needs help.

Well...

And you, out.

Out. Leave these two alone.

So long, King.

Come to think of it, I had a son with a problem like yours once.

Oh, no, no, no.

He didn't even want one girl.

Well...

good-bye.

Good-bye, Your Highness, Dad.

You'll come around, believe me.

I'll tell you what.

When you're 30, I'll send you a couple more.

Ally, what are we going to do?

Get married.

And in five years, he's going to send you two more?

I'll simply return them unwrapped.

Oh, no!

Sylvia, Sylvia, I work so hard.

I'm like a slave at my own house.

♪ ♪