Original subtitles

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

two separate views of love, American style:

fun and games in a retirement village,

and our first story about a guy, his girl,

and the man in her spare bedroom, which we call:

♪ Hey, I live to be out with my baby at the night ♪

♪ When the music seems to play around... ♪ Eddie, Eddie.

Will you stop? You'll wake up the whole building.

Well, they should be up. It's only 1:00 in the morning.

You're out of your head.

Yeah, I'm also a great date, too.

Had a good time, didn't you?

I spent enough dough.

Dinner at the Candlelight Roof,

off-Broadway show, that's big stuff.

Loved the Roof, hated the show.

Why, what was wrong with it?

Well, what's the point of doing Hamlet in the nude?

Well, plenty.

It brings out new depth in the meaning of the play.

It emphasizes Hamlet's moral dilemma and Ophelia's body.

That's the point. Yeah.

Eddie, it has been a marvelous evening.

Yeah. Thanks.

Good night.

How about a cup of coffee?

All right.

If you promise to behave, it's late.

Oh, Gloria, you know me.

I know, I should get it in writing.

Boy, Gloria, you sure have

a suspicious mind.

I would have it looked into if I were you.

Eddie, what happened to the lights?

Where are you?

Here I am, honey.

Right over here.

Eddie Claypool, you put those lights right back on.

Well, I was only thinking about you.

After all, I know what a struggle it is

for a working girl to pay the electric bill.

I'd rather struggle with the electric bill

than struggle with you.

Okay, okay, okay.

I was only trying to create

some atmosphere for the coffee.

Atmosphere I like.

It's blackouts that worry me.

Gloria, sometimes I think

you're the coldest fish in Manhattan.

You know that's not true, Eddie.

But I do wish you'd stop trying to rush things.

I'm an old-fashioned girl from Tennessee.

I love old-fashioned girls from Tennessee.

Especially one.

Really? Really.

Well, I guess there's no sense

in wasting electricity after all.

Welcome to the big city.

Oh, no.

Who could that be?

Oh, it's probably Bill Franklin from upstairs.

That's what I hate about this building.

Everybody is so friendly.

Any time they want to, they drop in.

I like it.

It's sort of like Tennessee. If you want to know

the truth, it's more like the post office.

Hi, Gloria.

Hi, Bill.

I'm not interrupting, am I?

Oh, of course not.

Sit down.

Hi, it's Eddie, isn't it?

Would you like some coffee?

Yeah, great.

Have mine, haven't touched it.

Cream and sugar. No, no, no, thanks.

Mmm, man, that's coffee.

Eddie, if I could find a girl

who could make coffee like this,

I wouldn't let her go. Bill.

I'm just trying to get you married off

before I'm tempted to take the fatal step.

Another cup of coffee might do it.

Look how late it's getting.

Oh, that's too bad, I was hoping

we could get a chance to talk, but if you've got to go.

I don't have to go.

Great.

Say, did you have a pleasant evening?

Don't ask.

Yeah, don't ask.

But since you have asked.

Does red hair,

green eyes, 34-25-34

sound like a pleasant evening?

It does for you.

Laverne, isn't it?

No, no, Laverne was last week.

This is Karen.

Karen?

When did Karen enter your life?

This afternoon, in a phone booth.

In a phone booth?

Well, she couldn't get her dime back.

I stepped in to help, the door got stuck...

You want to hear the rest?

No, we don't want to hear the rest.

Oh.

Oh, I get it.

You two want to be alone.

Huh? Well, I'll just toddle off to bed then.

Good night, Eddie. Good night, Gloria.

Good night. Good night, Bill.

Where's he going?

To the spare room.

You mean he's going to spend the night here?

Yes. Oh, didn't I tell you?

His apartment's being painted.

I don't care if it's been burned out.

He's not sleeping here tonight.

Quiet, Eddie, he'll hear you.

He better hear me or he'll hear this.

Eddie, I'm surprised at you.

Oh...

You're surprised at me?

A strange man is going to spend the night alone with you

in your apartment, and you're surprised at me?

Bill isn't a strange man.

He's an old friend, and besides,

you know there's nothing going on between us.

As far as I'm concerned,

there's something going on with that guy

and every single girl in New York City.

The way I look at it, he's a one man love-in.

Oh, Bill just likes to exaggerate.

Exaggerate?

Gloria, any man picks up a girl in a phone booth

is a pretty slick customer.

He doesn't even use the telephone, just the booth.

You can't allow a man like that

to stay overnight in your apartment.

Well, he isn't interested in me in that way.

Besides, he's sleeping in that room,

and I'm sleeping in my room,

and it's all very much

aboveboard and respectable.

It's about as respectable

as sending a rooster to guard a henhouse.

Eddie, you are absolutely...

Don't let me interrupt you lovebirds.

My group had ten percent fewer cavities.

But then, we have ten percent fewer teeth.

Funny, funny.

Don't be rude.

Did you get a load of those pajamas?

What about them?

Baby, you don't sleep in pajamas like that.

He's better dressed now than he was

when he came home from his date.

So he likes flashy pajamas.

And you know what they're flashing?

Sex, sex, sex.

Eddie, you have got a one-track mind.

I've got a one-track mind?

Oh, yeah, well...

after all the action I've had tonight.

You must admit it's been a big, big evening for me.

You've seen Hamlet in the nude, Bill Franklin in his pajamas

and I haven't even had my coat off.

Will you stop carrying on like this?

Nightie-night.

Night, Bill.

I made a boo-boo.

You see, uh, upstairs

I have the same apartment.

So upstairs, that's my bedroom and not Gloria's.

And of course, down here,

that's Gloria's bedroom and not mine.

It was just a...

just an automatic reflex.

Good night.

Satisfied?

What do you mean?

It was his subconscious that gave him away.

He did exactly what

was on his mind without meaning to.

Claypool that is the most ridiculous analysis

I have ever heard.

It was a completely honest mistake.

And if I were you, I wouldn't worry so much

about everybody else's subconscious,

because from where I sit,

your subconscious should have its mouth

washed out with soap.

Ha-ha.

Funny, but I'm not going to let you

joke your way out of this.

Gloria Gilcrest, this is sordid and you know it.

Sordid? Yes.

We don't know one girl, one girl,

that would allow a single, casually acquainted male

stay over in her apartment.

Eddie, there isn't one girl that wouldn't,

and it would be perfectly respectable.

Your morals are prehistoric.

Oh, yeah?

Okay. I'm going to call your bluff.

You're what? Yeah.

We're going to see how willing some other girl is

to share her apartment with a strange man

for the night.

Yeah. How about Joyce Becker?

Are you going to call Joyce now?

Why not? She's a night owl.

She'll still be up.

All right, Joyce Becker.

And you claim that she'll allow me

to stay in her apartment overnight

like you're letting lover boy here?

Yes. Okay, baby.

You're in for some shock, honey.

You better hold onto something

'cause you're going to fall flat on your face.

You asked for it.

Joyce, Eddie Claypool.

Fine, fine.

No, no, not too busy.

Uh, listen, Joyce, uh...

I'm sorry I had to call you at this hour but...

the fact is I have a problem.

I've been locked out.

Yeah, my apartment.

Seems like I lost the keys somewhere

and the superintendent doesn't live in the building.

Yeah, it's really a drag.

Oh, I was wondering, Joyce, uh,

since I have no place to sleep tonight, uh,

do you think I could stay at your place tonight?

I can?

You don't mind?

What about your boyfriend, Hank?

He'll mind, won't he?

It's okay with him.

Well, thank you, Joyce.

Yeah.

Well, listen, maybe I'll find the keys.

If I don't, your key will be under the doormat.

Yeah, well, uh, thanks again.

Joyce Becker.

What did I tell you?

I could never get a date with her.

She was always going steady with someone.

Never occurred to me to call her

and ask her if I could spend the night.

Not everybody in the world

is as suspicious as you are.

If Joyce Becker would let me spend the night,

then Linda Crabtree will let me spend the night.

Then there's Sandra Burton,

Barbara Newhope.

Oh, what are you doing?

You know, if a fella played this thing right,

he wouldn't even have to have an apartment.

He could just have a locker at the bus terminal.

But you do have an apartment

and you haven't lost your key,

and it's not being painted.

There's something else you forgot.

What's that?

I got a girl I like pretty much.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Can you forgive me for making

such a fool of myself tonight?

You're forgiven.

I guess I just had some growing up to do.

Don't we all? Yeah.

Well,

good night, kitten.

Sleep tight.

You too, darling. Like a log.

He doesn't bother me in the least now.

He shouldn't.

You're twice the man he is.

Even without pajamas?

Sorry about that.

Gloria.

No, Gloria.

Gloria!

Man, this is ridiculous.

I don't know what I'm doing to myself.

I got to get some sleep.

Hey, fella, you're one for the books.

Can't you get it through your head

that everything is all right?

You're nothing but a suspicious, paranoid, insecure jerk, right?

Wrong.

What?

Remember Rosemary Curtis?

Who?

Mrs. Bailey's dancing class.

Oh, yeah.

Remember you told her you loved her?

And you bought her a Fudgie Wudgie as a token?

Who did you see polishing off that Fudgie Wudgie after class?

Elmer Guntzwiller.

And he couldn't even dance.

How about blonde Carol Matthews?

Carol Matthews.

Remember you went into the army

and she promised to wait forever and ever?

And before you were through with basic training,

she was married, settled down and expecting.

All right, all right, but Gloria's different.

Sure she's different.

She's got more nerve than the others.

She brings the other guy

right into the apartment for the night,

and convinces you that it might as well be

the Bobbsey Twins at Grandma's house.

You mean something's going on?

How long are you going to be that naive, gullible chump

that women love to make a fool of?

Of course something is going on.

A sexy chick and a swinging guy

in a pad for the night and nothing's going on?

Boy, sometimes you're so naive

even I don't believe it, and I'm you.

Yeah, thought they could put one over on me, huh?

Well, I'll show her who's the gullible, naive chump.

Yes, sir, boy.

That's it.

That's the last time anybody makes a patsy out of me.

Boy, is she in for a surprise.

Thought she'd make a fool out of Eddie Claypool, huh?

Well, he's wised up now.

Thought she'd make a sucker out of me.

Well, I'll show her who the sucker is.

I'll show him, too.

I didn't read that karate book for nothing.

Him and his fancy pajamas!

Hey, turn that music down!

It's 3:00. I better take another sleeping pill.

♪ ♪

Coming.

Who is it?

Eddie! Eddie!

Eddie?

Okay, baby, okay, baby, the jig is up.

What jig?

If you and Bill Franklin want to play around behind my back,

it's okay with me. This is a free country.

But I just want you to know

that I know about it.

Oh, Eddie, you were so sensible when you left here this evening.

I thought you were all over this nonsense.

What happened?

I had a long talk with myself

in the mirror, that's what happened.

You talked with yourself in the mirror?

Yeah, and that guy in the mirror told me plenty.

Oh, he did, huh? Yes, he did.

Well, did he also tell you

that you're the biggest nut this side of the Rockies?

And that if I wanted to start something with Bill Franklin,

I wouldn't bring him in right in front of you?

That I would at least wait until you went home?

And I would probably go upstairs to his apartment

instead of down here so that there'd be less chance

of being found out?

No.

And on top of that,

didn't he tell you

that I didn't want anything to do with Bill Franklin?

You don't?

You mean you're not, uh...

No!

And he isn't...?

No, but don't take my word for it!

I want you to see for yourself.

It's all right, Gloria.

I just lost control of myself.

But I insist.

Please, Gloria, I believe you.

Oh, I wouldn't hear of you.

I want you convinced once and for all

that there's nothing going on

and then we'll all be able to get some sleep.

All right?

All right.

Are you satisfied?

I didn't see anything.

Exactly.

Now if you'll just go home...

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You wouldn't let me see anything.

What do you mean I wouldn't let you see?

I think there's something going on in that bedroom.

And I'm going to find out what it is.

But, Eddie, I can explain.

There's nobody here.

Well, there isn't?

I mean, of course there isn't.

That's what I wanted to explain.

I don't know what to say.

Well, you don't have to say anything, Eddie.

I never acted like this with anyone before.

You haven't?

I never felt this way.

You know something?

I think I'm in love with you.

Oh, Eddie.

What are you doing tomorrow night?

Well, I have something on, but I'll break it.

Break it. Okay.

I'll pick you up for dinner.

I'll pick you up for cocktails, then we'll have dinner.

All right.

What are you doing for lunch? Lunch?

Yeah, we'll have lunch, cocktails and dinner.

Anything you say, Eddie.

Oh, I'm so glad I came back here this evening.

So am I.

You know something?

I should kind of talk to myself more often, huh?

Well, you get in bed, because I want you to be

bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for breakfast in the morning.

Breakfast? Yeah.

I don't know what my horoscope was for today,

but whatever it was, I'm going to have it framed.

Good night.

Good night, sweetheart.

I'll just let myself out.

So you see, there was nothing to it at all.

Not at all.

I simply made the same mistake again

and all we were doing was sleeping together.

And when he says we were sleeping together,

he doesn't mean we were sleeping together.

Good heavens, no.

He means we were just... sleeping together.

Gloria, I know what he means.

I'm not a child.

Friends?

Good boy.

You've got a real prince here.

Well, I tell you, I better get to bed

or I won't even be up for night court.

Night, Gloria. Night, Bill.

You really do believe us, don't you?

Of course I believe you.

Nothing's changed between us?

Nothing's changed.

I'm glad. Because a relationship like ours,

without complete trust wouldn't be worth a...

Oh, honey, I trust you, I do trust you.

Oh, good.

Now you go home and get some sleep, too.

Yeah.

I'm finally going to get some sleep.

He's right, I do have a prince.

Good night, darling.

Good night, babe.

You do trust me.

Of course I trust you.

♪ ♪

Now I trust you.

Lamar, you have to get over

this terrible inferiority complex.

You are not that bad.

Peggy, it's true.

I'm just no good.

Oh...

I had to marry a scoutmaster.

Ruthie!

Granny.

Oh, how wonderful to see you.

How's Mother and Daddy?

Oh, they're fine.

Gosh, it's good to see you. Oh.

How are you feeling?

Oh, I'm just wonderful.

Come on in.

Let me look at you.

Oh, I love that dress.

Thank you.

I wish I could wear them that short,

but my legs are too lumpy.

That's what you get for

standing on your feet for 70 years.

You know, I've been wanting to come

and see you for such a long time.

Today I just said, "This is it,"

and I got in my car and drove out.

Oh, I'm so glad you did.

Oh. You've got a great looking place here, really.

Wow.

Are you getting along all right?

Do you have friends?

Are there things to do here?

Why, my, yes, I'm fine.

You don't need to worry about me.

Well, good. As long as you're not lonely.

Oh, no.

Actually, it's fun.

We have lots of fun here.

You know what we call it?

What? The campus.

Really?

'Course,

some people call it the boneyard,

but there's always a sourpuss in every crowd.

Who are you talking to in there, dear?

Why, uh, it's my granddaughter, Ruth.

Are you thirsty, dear?

Wouldn't you like a drink?

You must be thirsty

after that long ride out here.

Okay, just a soft drink.

Oh, well, I can give you some mix, straight.

Well, that'll be fine.

Granny, who is that in there?

Why, that's John.

John?

My husband.

Your husband?

Oh, Granny, how groovy!

You're married.

Yes. Didn't you know?

No.

Why, I wrote Ella.

Well, I'm sure I did.

Maybe I didn't.

I don't know.

But when?

What?

When did you get married?

Oh, about six weeks ago.

Uh, we went to Vegas.

Well, hello there.

So this is Ruth.

Hi, Ruth. I'm delighted to meet you.

I'm John Carlson.

Well, I'm pleased to meet you, but my heavens,

I didn't know a thing about this.

Well, I mean, congratulations.

Congratulations?

Uh, uh, Ruth didn't know we were married, dear.

Oh, so you didn't know, huh?

Well, I see. Well...

No, I didn't know a thing about it.

And I still don't understand why you didn't let us know.

Well, we meant to, but you know how it is.

Time just seems to float by here on the campus.

We didn't want to make a big to-do

about it.

But, Granny, getting married?

I'll get it.

Gee, Granny, what a great-looking guy.

He is, isn't he?

He's a little younger than me, but he's very mature.

Hello?

Oh, well, we have an unexpected guest here.

And could you hold on just a minute?

It's George. You know,

the starter at the miniature golf course.

He wants to know if we're going to play

our match.

Oh, no!

Ruth's here.

Tell him we default.

We're in the finals at the tournament, but so what?

Oh, no. Now, look,

if you're in the finals, why don't you play?

I mean, how long will it take?

Well, it shouldn't take us more than, uh,

20 minutes to polish him off,

but we'd rather spend the time with you.

Oh, we'd much rather spend the time with you, Ruthie.

Oh, no.

Now, you two play, I insist.

Well, if you insist.

We've been trying to get a match

with these pigeons for two weeks.

We've got a side bet of 75 cents.

We'll be right there, George.

If we're going, let's go.

Well, now, Ruth, you-you just wait here.

It won't take us long, honest.

Just relax.

You better be hot, baby.

We'll be right back, Ruthie.

And if you get hungry, look in the refrigerator.

We've got plenty of tapioca in there.

Don't worry about me.

You two take your time and have fun.

I'll be here.

She seems very happy.

He's such a nice man.

John.

Oh, no, no, he's very bright and alert.

Sure, I'll tell him.

I know.

I was pretty shocked myself.

No, no, I think I'll stay overnight

and drive home in the morning.

Oh, listen, Mom,

there's somebody at the door, though.

I got to go.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Oh, hello. Hi.

Where are the folks?

Oh, they're over at the miniature golf course.

And who are you?

I'm Ruth, Terry's granddaughter.

Oh, Ruth. You just graduated from Bennington, right?

Right. How did you know?

Well, she talks about you all the time.

You're a great-looking chick.

I mean, she said you were pretty,

but, uh, well, sometimes what's pretty to them...

I know. Who are you?

I'm Oliver Kingman, the manager here.

I've got their Social Security checks.

Oh, well, come on in. Thanks.

Well, how's old Bennington?

Oh, fine, I guess.

Have you ever been up there?

Sure, I went to Williams.

You did? Yeah.

Tell me, do they still have

those great bashes at Ernie's on Friday nights?

Well, things have changed pretty much since you were around.

It's not so much groups anymore.

People pair off now.

It's more serious.

And are you paired off and more serious?

Well, not at the moment.

Well, do you like working here?

Yes, very much.

I get a real charge out of these people.

They call me the dean.

Oh, of the campus.

Yeah, right.

Did Terry tell you about that?

Uh-huh. Now listen, they're a great bunch of people

and they think I'm great because I know what's going on.

I've got all the gossip.

I don't suppose there's too much to gossip about around here.

I don't know, you might be surprised.

I hate to leave, but I've got some more checks to deliver.

Let's see, his...

and hers.

See ya. Okay.

Oh, I see the government hasn't changed the name yet.

What?

Well, it's still made out to Theresa Grant

instead of Mrs. John Carlson.

Oh.

Well, you did know they were married, didn't you?

Well, actually, I...

When did they get married?

About six weeks ago.

I thought you said

you knew everything that went on around here.

Yes, well, they must have been married on a Wednesday.

You see, I'm off on Wednesdays.

You know, you don't sound very happy for them.

Oh, of course I am.

Tell them congratulations for me.

Well, tell me, didn't they have a party

or a celebration or anything?

A party?

Let's see, uh...

Come to think of it,

there was something about six weeks ago.

It was a lot of noise.

They stayed up until about 8:30.

That must have been it.

Well, it's been real nice meeting you.

No, wait a minute.

I don't understand this.

You're the dean and you're supposed to look after these people.

How come you didn't know they were married?

I don't know. Maybe I knew it and forgot.

I mean, after all, what difference does it make

if they're married

or they're not married?

What difference does it make?

Are you kidding? It makes a lot of difference to me.

It does?

Well, of course it does.

If they weren't married, I'd feel awful.

Why?

What do you mean why?

What if it was your grandmother?

I wish it was my grandmother.

Why?

She's living with her daughter.

Listen, are they married or not?

You want me to level with you?

Of course. They're not married.

But why are they doing this?

For $50.

$50?

Sure.

Look, they get $150 apiece from the government

if they're single.

That's $300 total.

But if they're married, they only get about $250.

They lose $50.

That's why they're not married.

Are you trying to tell me that my grandmother...

For $50... right.

A month.

Well, excuse me, would you?

I've got a headache.

Oh, really?

Well, listen, I've got all kinds of pills in my office.

Oh, no. No, thank you.

I'd rather be alone.

Oh, sure.

Are you going to be around later?

Maybe we could have dinner.

Oh, I don't know right now. I'll see.

Okay. Good-bye, Ruth.

Good-bye.

Here come the champs!

We won, Ruthie!

We won!

That's nice, Granny, I'm glad.

Oh, you should have been there.

We were down two going in to the turn,

and then we made our move.

Oh, Agnes really choked up on that windmill play, didn't she?

Her hand shook just like that.

Oh, that was because of her palsy.

Oh, palsy my foot. It was the pressure.

It got to her.

And then, on number 18, old Fred was so nervous,

he was puffing like a steam engine.

That was his asthma.

And then John had about a 20-footer.

He was behind the tire, you know,

and he hit it against the cement wall,

through the coffee can,

over the waterfall and he sunk it.

He sunk it!

Oh, what a shock.

I was so proud of you, love.

Thank you, Terry.

Well, I'm glad you won and had such a nice time, Granny.

But I'm afraid I've got to be going.

What? Go? Oh?

Yes.

Why, but you can't go now.

We're going to fill this thing with beer

and have some beans and hot dogs,

and a lot of the neighbors are coming over.

We're going to have a little party.

We're going to have a ball.

Well, I'm sorry, but it's getting late

and I don't want to drive when it's dark.

Oh, my.

We thought you were going to stay over night.

Well, we never would have gone to play if we'd known.

Well, then we've got plenty of room haven't we, John?

You bet!

You see, this couch turns into a very comfortable bed,

and you can bunk in that.

Oh, no, no, I wouldn't think of it.

Well, we do it all the time.

Lots of times the Johnsons come over

to play a fast game of whist and it gets too late for Carl.

He has night blindness, you know.

So they just sleep here.

We don't mind a bit.

No trouble at all.

Well, that's very kind of you,

but I've really got to be going.

Now, Ruthie,

I'm sure you didn't come all the way out here

just to turn around and go back.

Now, what's the matter?

Don't you feel well?

Oh, no, I'm fine.

I just wanted to see you and I have seen you

and everything's fine, so...

Ruthie.

I think I'm going to get out of these duds

and into my drinking clothes.

If you ladies will excuse me.

Ruthie.

What's the matter?

We haven't done anything to upset you, have we, dear?

Oh, no, no.

I just want to beat the traffic, that's all.

Well, good-bye, Granny.

Oh, and your checks came.

They're on the table.

Oh, now wait a minute.

Mr. Kingman brought the checks?

Yes, he did. Well...

Uh, did you talk to him at all?

We had a little talk.

Did he say anything to you about John and me?

No, nothing in particular.

Ruthie...

look at me.

I can always tell when you're lying.

I remember when you brought that little garter snake

into your room and said you didn't.

Now come on, sit down,

tell me all about it.

You had this little talk with Mr. Kingman

and he told you what?

Oh, Granny, look, it's none of my business.

What you do is your business.

Now, none of that.

It is too your business.

We love each other.

Well, I guess I just wasn't prepared.

I wish you'd told me the truth.

About John and me not being married?

Yes.

Why are you doing it?

For $50 a month, Ruthie.

Well, that's what Mr. Kingman said,

but I would have been happy to give you the extra $50,

or the family would have been glad to.

I've never taken anything from the family yet,

and I don't intend to start now.

Maybe someday I'll have to.

But I don't have to yet.

But, Granny, what'll I tell them when I go back home?

Well, tell them you saw me,

I look good and I'm living with this nice man.

Oh, Granny, they won't understand.

Well, then... tell them I'm married.

They'll understand that.

You understood it until that bigmouth Kingman came along.

But that's a lie.

Well, then...

tell them that I'm living with John,

or tell them I'm married.

Whatever you think the traffic will bear.

Oh, I don't know.

I'm all mixed up.

You know, I've always thought of you in a very special way.

Like I remember when we used to come and visit you

when you had that little house

out in the country on Thanksgiving.

I was a perfect little grandmother.

You were, Granny, you were.

And you put me on a pedestal.

Maybe.

It gets mighty cold and lonely on a pedestal.

But it's nice and warm and cozy in bed with a man you love.

Well, Granny, look, you were the one

that taught me everything I know about right and wrong.

What do you think about what you're doing now?

I think it's right, or I wouldn't be doing it.

Well, what if I did it?

Well, that'd be wrong, I guess.

Why?

Because you don't need the $50 a month and we do.

Oh, I don't know.

If you want to blame anybody, blame the government.

They're penalizing companionship.

Well, did you convince her to stay, Terry?

Well, I don't know.

Have I?

John, Ruth knows about us.

Oh, she does?

Well, what do you think, Ruth?

She doesn't like it.

Oh, she doesn't.

That's a shame.

Maybe we ought to have a little gin fizz or something.

Oh, Ruthie, honey.

Excuse me, Granny, I'm sorry.

You really feel bad about this, don't you?

I do, I can't help it.

Let me have a word with you alone, John. Sure.

Excuse us a minute, please, Ruth, huh?

Yes?

Oh, you must be Ruthie.

Well, come in, everybody.

Meet Terry's granddaughter.

I'm Martha Wilson. Hello.

Yes, I'm George Callis. Hi.

I'm Alice McCloud.

Grace Talley. I've heard a lot about you. Thank you.

Fred Donahue, glad to know you.

Ruthie, Ruthie, by the way,

where's the kids?

Oh, you mean John and Terry?

Yeah.

Well, they're in the bedroom.

Well, bless their hearts.

Oh, hello everybody.

We sure are proud of you.

Thanks, thanks.

Now listen, everybody.

We have a little announcement to make.

Now, go ahead, Terry.

Yes, well, it's just...

John and I have decided to get married.

Oh, Granny, that's terrific.

Well, why are you going to do that?

You'll lose 50 bucks!

Well, never mind about that.

We've decided we're going to do it.

We're going to get married.

The kids. Yes, the children...

Oh, Granny and John, I'm so happy for you both.

Oh, and I want to invite all their close friends

and as many relatives as I can round up.

We need a large table and some folding chairs.

Think you can arrange all that?

Yeah, I can arrange it.

Oh, and can you get the justice of the peace?

Sure.

Oh, yeah, and I better get the flower girl,

Mabel Jackson, she's 92.

You know, I don't dig your attitude.

You sound like you don't want them to get married.

It doesn't thrill me much.

How about some coffee?

Well, why not?

Hey, Ruth, forgive me for being personal,

but I got you figured as being pretty hip.

Am I wrong?

Well, I've been around.

I'm not a little girl anymore.

Well, neither is your grandmother.

What's wrong with them getting married?

What's wrong?

I'll tell you.

They're playing golf three times a week now.

If they get married, they'll play once

or maybe not at all.

And John likes a good cigar every once in a while, too.

And when that ice cream truck comes around in the afternoon,

they each get a Nutty Fudge.

They're going to have to cut down on these things, too.

Now I know that newlyweds have to live on tight budgets...

But they won't have to give up anything.

The family will make up the $50.

Oh, please.

Please, don't do that.

Don't start sending them money.

Why not?

Because, now they're people.

Don't turn them into dependents.

Well, maybe they will have to give up a little.

But they'll be gaining a lot.

Like what?

Their self-respect.

When the family comes to visit them,

they won't have to lie and conceal things.

Ruth, your grandmother has lived here for three months.

Do you know how many visitors she's had from the outside?

Two,

you and the plot salesman.

Oh, well, uh...

Well, everyone's been very busy lately, but...

I'm sure from now on, she'll have lots of visitors.

Boloney.

These people are on their own.

They've got to make it themselves.

And the happy ones do.

The ones that sit around in their rocking chairs,

waiting for their children or grandchildren to visit them,

might as well be dead.

Well, what do you want me to do, just leave them alone?

Say, "Granny, do whatever you want.

"Sleep with whomever you like.

Whatever you do is okay with me"?

Well, I don't think you have to worry

about her becoming promiscuous.

Do you think that just because she's old,

she doesn't have to care about what people think anymore?

If people's opinion of her

depends upon whether she's married or not,

she's led a pretty wasted life.

Oh, look,

let's just cut out all this fencing, all right?

I mean, are you going to help arrange the wedding or not?

Yeah, I'm going to help.

Listen, did you talk over these arrangements with them?

No.

Well, I suggest we talk it over with them.

I mean, after all, it's probably their last wedding.

You're right.

I was getting a little carried away.

Come on, let's take a walk over to the house, huh?

Okay.

Start on those, folks.

There's more cooking and the beans will be hot in a minute.

I hope these hot dogs are tender.

I'm breaking in a new set of dentures.

Well, no beans for me.

They're bad for my arteries.

Oh, Freddie, how about some badminton tomorrow?

No, not tomorrow.

I'm picking up a sports car in the morning.

Have a ball, everybody.

Oh, say, say, I heard that this week's movie was rated "X."

Good, them "G" movies put me to sleep.

Hi, everybody. Hi.

Hi, there. Hi.

Granny, could I talk to you for a minute?

Oh, sure.

Excuse me for a minute, folks.

Yeah, sure.

How about a couple of nice hot dogs for you two?

Oh, no, thanks, Granny.

Listen, I've been talking to Mr. Kingman,

and he says that he can arrange everything.

Arrange everything for what, dear?

For the wedding.

I thought maybe we could have it next Sunday,

a week from tomorrow.

Oh, I know it's short notice, but...

No, forget it Ruth.

There ain't going to be any wedding.

What?

No, John and I talked it over.

I just can't do it to him.

He'd have to give up too much.

You mean like his miniature golf games?

Yeah, right.

And the Nutty Fudge bars.

You know, he just lives for that ice cream truck.

When he hears those bells play

"Tiptoe Through the Tulips," his face just lights up.

Well, then what are you going to do?

Well, we thought we'd split up.

I don't want to hurt him,

and I can't hurt you either, Ruthie.

It's been fun while it's lasted, but it's over now.

You mean you'll each live in your own place?

No, no, I'm going to pull out completely.

If I stayed around here, the temptation might be too great.

First windy night, we'd probably get together

and the whole thing would start all over.

How about the beans, Terry?

They're all set.

John, I told them about what we decided.

Oh, you did?

Well, I was willing to go through with it,

but she wouldn't do it.

What will you do now, Terry? Where will you go?

Well, I don't know.

I thought maybe I'd go down to San Diego

and move in with my sister, Doris.

Doris?

Granny, you've never been able to get along with Doris.

You'd be miserable.

At least I'd be leading a clean life.

Nobody would have to be ashamed of me.

Oh, no, look, you can't do that.

Oh, I feel terrible.

I feel like I'm ruining both your lives.

Listen, Granny, forget everything I said.

I was just being stupid.

I've got no right to...

I mean, you two dig each other,

and you're right for each other.

Look, I'm leaving.

So, please, just forget everything I said.

The best thing I can do

is to just get out and leave you two alone.

Oh, Ruthie, honey, please don't go.

Oh, no, I'm going before I do any more damage.

But I'll be back, and soon.

And don't worry, Granny,

about anything.

Ruthie.

Oh, just be happy, Granny, that's all I want.

Good-bye, Granny.

Good-bye, John. Bye.

Best of luck to both of you.

Wait, Ruth. I'll walk out with you.

Terry, I think he really likes her.

Well, she's a nice looking girl.

All she needs is to loosen up a little.

Say, we'd better get out there and tell the folks.

They're waiting. That's right.

Yes, that's right, we better.

Listen, listen, folks,

we have a little announcement to make.

We're not getting married after all.

Oh, congratulations.

Ruth bought the whole story.

She always was a sucker for one of Granny's fairy tales.

♪ ♪

Let's see...

Radishes might look good there.

Oh...

Open your mouth.

I think I'll try some carrots there.

Your chest is ideal for onions.

She treats him just like dirt.