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I have bad news.
2
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When we got married, I told you
3
00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:16,274
that my first husband
was drowned.
4
00:00:17,751 --> 00:00:19,062
Well, he's just shown up
5
00:00:19,086 --> 00:00:21,498
after having
amnesia for two years,
6
00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:25,324
so I'm still legally
married to him.
7
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,520
Oh, I'm so sorry, Lamar.
8
00:00:52,119 --> 00:00:54,419
♪ Love, love ♪
9
00:00:54,487 --> 00:00:58,123
♪ Love, love ♪
10
00:00:58,192 --> 00:01:00,892
♪ Love, American Style ♪
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00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:03,995
♪ Truer than the
red, white and blue ♪
12
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:07,465
♪ Love, American Style ♪
13
00:01:07,534 --> 00:01:11,069
♪ That's me and you ♪
14
00:01:13,173 --> 00:01:16,942
♪ And on a star-spangled
night, my love ♪
15
00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:19,277
♪ You can rest ♪
16
00:01:19,346 --> 00:01:24,950
♪ You can rest your
head on my shoulder ♪
17
00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:29,454
♪ Or by the dawn's
early light, my love ♪
18
00:01:29,522 --> 00:01:31,356
♪ I will defend ♪
19
00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:35,627
♪ I will defend
your right to try ♪
20
00:01:35,695 --> 00:01:39,430
♪ Love, American Style ♪
21
00:01:39,499 --> 00:01:42,033
♪ That's me and you. ♪
22
00:01:52,045 --> 00:01:53,489
Tonight, you will see
23
00:01:53,513 --> 00:01:56,481
three separate views
of love, American style:
24
00:01:56,549 --> 00:01:59,384
teddy bears, blondes
and an ailing marriage;
25
00:01:59,452 --> 00:02:02,220
a brawl, a ball, and
the cop next door;
26
00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:04,455
and our first story
about lovers who do
27
00:02:04,524 --> 00:02:06,457
and lovers who
don't get married,
28
00:02:06,526 --> 00:02:09,161
which we call:
29
00:02:25,946 --> 00:02:28,013
Harvey, I don't know about this.
30
00:02:28,082 --> 00:02:29,625
Judy, what difference
does it make
31
00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:30,827
where we get married?
32
00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:32,762
The important
thing is I love you.
33
00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:35,253
Why don't we wait
till we get back home?
34
00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:36,466
Are you kidding?
35
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:38,301
How could that
possibly be as exciting
36
00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:39,836
as getting married in Las Vegas?
37
00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:41,871
I mean, think of getting
married in Craneville.
38
00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:43,195
Think about that.
39
00:02:43,263 --> 00:02:46,999
Maybe, but, I mean,
what's it going to look like?
40
00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:49,868
We're supposed to be here
at a teacher's convention.
41
00:02:49,936 --> 00:02:52,537
Well, how can you learn
more than by getting married?
42
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:56,308
Maybe I'll give you an
"A" in honeymooning.
43
00:02:57,844 --> 00:02:59,322
Oh, Harvey.
44
00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:01,480
You know, you may
be an algebra teacher,
45
00:03:01,548 --> 00:03:03,848
but you've got a
gym instructor's mind.
46
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:05,250
I love you.
47
00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:09,399
Ah, it's going to be great.
48
00:03:09,423 --> 00:03:10,867
Uh, we'll get married. Mm-hmm.
49
00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:13,870
And then we'll go to the
room for a couple of hours.
50
00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:15,972
Then we'll see one
of those nudie shows,
51
00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:18,074
and then we'll go
back to the room,
52
00:03:18,098 --> 00:03:20,176
and then we'll see that
dirty review downtown.
53
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,366
Harvey!
54
00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:23,913
Well, come on! We
got to live it up here.
55
00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:25,448
Once we get back to Craneville,
56
00:03:25,472 --> 00:03:28,273
it's going to be garage
sales and G-rated movies.
57
00:03:28,342 --> 00:03:29,541
Oh, quit the joking.
58
00:03:29,609 --> 00:03:31,076
Oh, come on, honey.
59
00:03:31,145 --> 00:03:33,323
It'll be a lot more exciting
getting married here.
60
00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:34,513
Well...
61
00:03:34,581 --> 00:03:37,082
Oh, hi. Uh,
62
00:03:37,151 --> 00:03:38,283
I'm Harvey Marshall.
63
00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:40,052
This is my fiancée Judy Rickard.
64
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,553
Fine, fine, fine.
65
00:03:41,621 --> 00:03:43,333
I'm Elmo Duncan. Hi.
66
00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:45,068
If you'll just sit
down please now
67
00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:46,269
and fill out these forms.
68
00:03:46,293 --> 00:03:47,392
We're from North Dakota.
69
00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:48,560
Hmm. Congratulations.
70
00:03:48,628 --> 00:03:49,727
Fill out these forms,
71
00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:51,474
and I'll be back in
just a few minutes.
72
00:03:51,498 --> 00:03:52,778
You're going?
73
00:03:52,832 --> 00:03:55,133
I have to perform an
emergency wedding.
74
00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:56,546
An emergency? I have to rush
75
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:59,171
over to the Sands Hotel
and marry a big winner
76
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,738
to a cocktail waitress.
77
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:03,641
You make house calls?
78
00:04:03,710 --> 00:04:05,722
He's right in the
middle of a hot streak
79
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,757
at the craps table,
and she's still on duty.
80
00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:09,559
I just marry 'em. I
don't ask questions.
81
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,249
Hmm, maybe it's
one of the teachers
82
00:04:11,318 --> 00:04:12,529
from the convention
that's winning.
83
00:04:12,553 --> 00:04:15,620
Do you have a teacher
named Big Nick Gionello?
84
00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:18,090
I don't think so.
85
00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:20,236
Sarah, be sure that
camera's loaded, won't you?
86
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,072
And grab some of
those wedding rings.
87
00:04:22,096 --> 00:04:24,006
And I think you better
bring some more
88
00:04:24,030 --> 00:04:26,590
of these plastic flowers.
89
00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:29,033
I don't know.
90
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:32,104
Maybe we better get it over
with before I change my mind.
91
00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:34,906
Oh. Uh, uh, sir, do you
think you could marry us
92
00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:36,986
before you go over
to see Big Nick?
93
00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:39,489
No, no, no, no. We'll
be back in a jiffy.
94
00:04:39,513 --> 00:04:41,491
You just stay here and
make yourself comfortable.
95
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:43,448
Here.
96
00:04:44,518 --> 00:04:45,695
Have some champagne.
97
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:47,330
Yeah. Here's a
bottle of champagne
98
00:04:47,354 --> 00:04:48,898
while you wait,
imported champagne.
99
00:04:48,922 --> 00:04:51,957
Wow, imported champagne.
100
00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:53,391
That'll be $35.
101
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:54,503
For champagne?
102
00:04:54,527 --> 00:04:55,704
No, no, no.
103
00:04:55,728 --> 00:04:58,063
That's the down payment
for the deluxe wedding,
104
00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,143
the champagne, the
singing and the pictures,
105
00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:02,600
the music and
lifetime plastic flowers.
106
00:05:02,669 --> 00:05:03,901
The works.
107
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,803
Such a cute little girl, huh?
108
00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:09,807
She's worth all
the best, isn't she?
109
00:05:09,876 --> 00:05:11,676
She sure is. There's $35.
110
00:05:11,744 --> 00:05:13,923
Yes, now, uh... you
enjoy yourself, won't you?
111
00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:15,624
Mm-hmm. We'll be right back.
112
00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:17,349
You ready, Sarah?
113
00:05:17,417 --> 00:05:18,794
I can't find the Bible.
114
00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:21,319
We'll pick one up at
the hotel. Get going.
115
00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:26,191
Peace, children, peace.
116
00:05:30,197 --> 00:05:32,430
Getting married in here
certainly will be memorable.
117
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:33,965
Oh, come on, honey.
118
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,233
Let's have some champagne.
119
00:05:35,302 --> 00:05:36,734
It's imported.
120
00:05:36,803 --> 00:05:37,981
Imported?
121
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:39,382
It's from California.
122
00:05:39,406 --> 00:05:40,705
So? We're in Nevada.
123
00:05:40,773 --> 00:05:42,385
Oh, Harvey, a
wedding is something
124
00:05:42,409 --> 00:05:43,875
to always remember.
125
00:05:43,943 --> 00:05:45,343
I mean, this place,
126
00:05:45,412 --> 00:05:48,279
I'd be spending the rest
of my life trying to forget.
127
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,715
Oh, come on, honey,
it's not all that bad.
128
00:05:50,783 --> 00:05:52,384
It's awful.
129
00:05:52,452 --> 00:05:55,987
Everything in here is
a terrible shade of pink,
130
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:57,889
including Elmo's eyes.
131
00:05:57,957 --> 00:06:00,525
Okay, so the pink in his
eyes matches his nose.
132
00:06:00,593 --> 00:06:02,093
I think it's kind of cute.
133
00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:03,495
Cute?
134
00:06:03,564 --> 00:06:05,897
Why, it's a plastic playhouse.
135
00:06:05,965 --> 00:06:08,866
This is no place for
adults to get married.
136
00:06:08,935 --> 00:06:11,102
It's for Hansel and Gretel.
137
00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:12,537
Uh-uh, teacher.
138
00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:15,306
Hansel and Gretel
were brother and sister.
139
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,843
Ha! That's just it.
140
00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:20,612
Elmo, your friend,
would have married them.
141
00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:23,548
Now, I'm not going to get
married in here, Harvey.
142
00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:26,752
Now just a darn
second, young lady.
143
00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:29,254
Let's get this
marriage started right.
144
00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:30,856
I'm the man of the house.
145
00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:32,257
I chose this place.
146
00:06:32,325 --> 00:06:35,159
This has become a moral issue.
147
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:36,728
Hmm.
148
00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:40,231
Besides, I gave
him a $35 deposit.
149
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:43,868
Well, that does it.
150
00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:46,337
Nobody likes a
cheap algebra teacher.
151
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,507
Now, Judy!
152
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:54,813
Now, I'll-I'll... I'll
teach her a lesson,
153
00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:57,382
because I'm the
man of the house.
154
00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:00,952
What house? I
don't have a house.
155
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:04,956
I'll get a house.
156
00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:12,731
$35 and no wedding.
157
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,332
I should be drunker than this.
158
00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:16,367
I'll tell you that much.
159
00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:21,540
I don't know about this, Bonnie.
160
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:23,853
Oh, come on. We came all the way
161
00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:25,455
from Bakersfield
just to get married.
162
00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:26,877
Don't back out now.
163
00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:29,392
Just let me call my
mother, and I'll... Look...
164
00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:31,327
you're not going to
marry your mother,
165
00:07:31,351 --> 00:07:32,951
although I know you'd like to.
166
00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:36,488
That's a nice thing
to say to a person
167
00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:40,992
who just gave you your own
portable radio, AM and FM.
168
00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:43,294
I'm sorry, but the
reason we came here
169
00:07:43,363 --> 00:07:45,207
was to get away
from your mother.
170
00:07:45,231 --> 00:07:47,632
Every time we tried to
get married in Bakersfield,
171
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:49,233
she talked you out of it.
172
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:50,868
She's lonely.
173
00:07:50,937 --> 00:07:52,136
You have six brothers.
174
00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:53,850
They don't love her. Why?
175
00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:55,151
'Cause they got married?
176
00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:56,741
Don't start that stuff, Bonnie.
177
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:57,943
Don't start that stuff.
178
00:07:58,011 --> 00:07:59,277
I'm not a mama's boy.
179
00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:01,157
Let me see your underwear.
180
00:08:01,181 --> 00:08:02,280
Bonnie.
181
00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:03,882
Come here.
182
00:08:03,951 --> 00:08:06,511
What does that tag say?
183
00:08:06,553 --> 00:08:08,919
Clyde Wilcox.
184
00:08:08,988 --> 00:08:10,388
Yeah, and what else?
185
00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:14,325
3481 Maple Drive.
186
00:08:14,394 --> 00:08:16,695
See, you are a mama's boy.
187
00:08:16,763 --> 00:08:17,907
I don't like that, Bonnie.
188
00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:19,308
I don't like the
way you're acting,
189
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,277
and I don't like the way
you're tearing at my underwear.
190
00:08:21,301 --> 00:08:23,421
I'm sorry, but you make
me so mad sometimes.
191
00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:26,604
I guess it's 'cause
I love you so much.
192
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:29,541
Oh, please, please, marry me.
193
00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:31,208
I love you, too.
194
00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:33,711
Let's get it over with
before I change my mind.
195
00:08:33,780 --> 00:08:35,924
Oh, good. I wonder if
there's anybody's here.
196
00:08:35,948 --> 00:08:37,715
There doesn't
seem to be. Let's go.
197
00:08:37,784 --> 00:08:40,344
Hi, kids.
198
00:08:40,587 --> 00:08:41,686
Oh, hi.
199
00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:47,825
She wants to get
married... to me.
200
00:08:47,894 --> 00:08:49,174
Well, stick around.
201
00:08:49,228 --> 00:08:50,406
We're not going anywhere.
202
00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:52,007
Oh, you're not?
203
00:08:52,031 --> 00:08:53,809
Well, that's a good
idea, you know,
204
00:08:53,833 --> 00:08:56,233
because there was a couple
here earlier this evening,
205
00:08:56,303 --> 00:08:58,347
and they were going to
get married, you know?
206
00:08:58,371 --> 00:08:59,671
And they didn't stick around,
207
00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:01,551
and now they're
going to be miserable
208
00:09:01,575 --> 00:09:02,907
the rest of their lives.
209
00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:04,687
Well, we're all
ready. Just marry us.
210
00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:05,876
Me?
211
00:09:05,945 --> 00:09:07,290
You do that sort of
thing here, don't you?
212
00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:09,280
Well, uh...
213
00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:10,849
Can we talk about this, Bonnie?
214
00:09:10,917 --> 00:09:12,127
Oh, Clyde.
215
00:09:12,151 --> 00:09:14,386
Bonnie and Clyde?
216
00:09:15,856 --> 00:09:18,390
Forgive me, but that's funny.
217
00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:20,803
Please, sir, we've been
getting that sort of thing
218
00:09:20,827 --> 00:09:22,638
ever since we first
started going together.
219
00:09:22,662 --> 00:09:24,429
I hate Warren Beatty.
220
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,209
So will you marry us?
221
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:28,478
Otherwise, I might lose him.
222
00:09:28,502 --> 00:09:29,801
Oh, sure, sure.
223
00:09:29,870 --> 00:09:31,569
Good.
224
00:09:31,638 --> 00:09:34,071
Um, um... let's get right to it.
225
00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:36,474
We'll do it right away.
226
00:09:36,543 --> 00:09:39,778
We'll get right to it right now.
227
00:09:39,846 --> 00:09:41,112
Hmm.
228
00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:43,481
Let's get on with it.
229
00:09:43,550 --> 00:09:46,785
Oh. Oh, need a-a
m-marriage manual.
230
00:09:46,853 --> 00:09:48,186
Marriage manual.
231
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:51,222
And... oh, there it is.
232
00:09:51,291 --> 00:09:52,669
Good old marriage manual.
233
00:09:52,693 --> 00:09:53,836
Here we are.
234
00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:55,560
Isn't that a
telephone directory?
235
00:09:55,629 --> 00:09:59,141
Yeah, well, it is, yeah, but
I... I just use it for a prop.
236
00:09:59,165 --> 00:10:01,866
You see, I've got the
service right in my mind.
237
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:04,702
Don't we have to fill
out the license first?
238
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,203
Yeah, you're right.
239
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:08,439
And shouldn't we be up there?
240
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:10,541
Oh, th-that's a good place.
241
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,109
Come on.
242
00:10:14,213 --> 00:10:15,493
Just come over here,
243
00:10:15,549 --> 00:10:18,026
and we'll do
everything up proper.
244
00:10:18,050 --> 00:10:20,985
Don't touch those licenses.
245
00:10:21,053 --> 00:10:22,398
Those are not for you.
246
00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:23,899
Now here... here's...
247
00:10:23,923 --> 00:10:25,200
Here are yours, right here.
248
00:10:25,224 --> 00:10:26,769
See, this says marriage license.
249
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:28,359
Do we fill those in now?
250
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:29,708
Yeah. Uh, no.
251
00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:31,274
I get to fill those.
252
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:32,908
Okay, what is your age, please?
253
00:10:32,932 --> 00:10:34,031
Twenty.
254
00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:35,400
Twenty.
255
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,234
Twenty.
256
00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:39,304
Oh, a 20-20 marriage.
257
00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:40,705
That's very nice.
258
00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:42,652
Well, look, if
you're old enough,
259
00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:44,241
I mean, then you're ready.
260
00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:45,810
Uh, do we sign these now?
261
00:10:45,878 --> 00:10:47,590
Oh, yes, you've
got to sign those
262
00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:49,258
so it will be official. Right.
263
00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:52,216
Put it right there. Put yours...
264
00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:55,152
Very firm handwriting.
That's very nice.
265
00:10:55,221 --> 00:10:56,921
And they have to be notarized.
266
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:59,824
Yeah, see how
you know? That's...
267
00:10:59,893 --> 00:11:02,594
Let's see. There should
be a notar... there.
268
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:05,229
Notar... ized.
269
00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:07,264
"Special delivery"?
270
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:10,067
Yeah, it's-it's faster that way.
271
00:11:10,136 --> 00:11:12,581
And now, by the power
that's vested in me...
272
00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:14,906
Harvey.
273
00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:15,907
Judy.
274
00:11:15,976 --> 00:11:18,543
I thought it was my mother.
275
00:11:18,612 --> 00:11:21,172
Oh, Judy.
276
00:11:21,948 --> 00:11:23,113
What are you doing?
277
00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:26,384
I'm marrying Bonnie and Clyde.
278
00:11:26,452 --> 00:11:28,219
Can't you ever stop joking?
279
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:29,398
Oh, please don't butt in.
280
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:30,767
It wasn't easy getting this far.
281
00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:32,090
He can't marry you.
282
00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:34,458
He's not a justice of the peace.
283
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,093
He's an algebra teacher.
284
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,030
A drunk algebra teacher.
285
00:11:39,098 --> 00:11:41,310
Well, I'm a notary public.
286
00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:45,737
Is it legal to be married by
an algebra teacher in Nevada?
287
00:11:45,805 --> 00:11:49,874
Judy, why-why did you come back?
288
00:11:49,942 --> 00:11:51,208
Because I love you.
289
00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:52,643
Oh.
290
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,111
Hey, Elmo!
291
00:11:54,180 --> 00:11:56,059
We got a double header for you.
292
00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:58,583
Yeah? What I need
is a double scotch.
293
00:11:58,651 --> 00:11:59,918
Clear out, all of you.
294
00:11:59,986 --> 00:12:02,420
I'm not marrying anybody.
295
00:12:02,488 --> 00:12:04,789
I just blew the biggest
tip in my career.
296
00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:06,156
What?
297
00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:07,425
Big Nick.
298
00:12:07,493 --> 00:12:08,827
All set for the wedding.
299
00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:11,963
$500 in it for me. $500.
300
00:12:12,032 --> 00:12:14,532
In the middle of the
ceremony, he gets itchy.
301
00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:17,001
Puts his whole wad
on the hard eight.
302
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,502
And loses.
303
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:19,837
Loses.
304
00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:21,606
Blew the whole wedding.
305
00:12:21,674 --> 00:12:23,408
Shoved that great big tray
306
00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:25,810
of his fiancée's
right in her face.
307
00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:28,579
Oh, I hate this town.
308
00:12:28,648 --> 00:12:29,925
Listen, Elmo...
309
00:12:29,949 --> 00:12:30,949
Get out!
310
00:12:30,983 --> 00:12:32,116
All of you out.
311
00:12:32,184 --> 00:12:34,285
Come on, Clyde, let's go.
312
00:12:34,353 --> 00:12:35,633
Are we going back
to Bakersfield?
313
00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:37,733
No, we're going to go
to the next chapel down.
314
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:40,068
And if that one's no good,
we're going to go to the next one
315
00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:41,570
and the next one
until we find one.
316
00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,494
Or until my mother finds us.
317
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,300
Say, uh, Elmo,
318
00:12:49,368 --> 00:12:52,136
you know, I know you
already had the $500 loss,
319
00:12:52,205 --> 00:12:55,139
but there's a little
matter of $35 deposit.
320
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:57,609
Yeah, you drank your deposit.
321
00:12:57,677 --> 00:12:58,943
Get out.
322
00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:00,444
I drank... okay.
323
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:02,213
Listen, don't worry, honey,
324
00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:04,548
'cause we're going
to get married at home
325
00:13:04,618 --> 00:13:07,885
and we'll invite everybody
in the whole town.
326
00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:09,932
Good, that's exactly
what I wanted,
327
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:11,889
a small wedding.
328
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,724
Come on, Gretel.
329
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:14,871
Okay, Hansel.
330
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:16,494
Bye.
331
00:13:16,562 --> 00:13:18,496
Elmo?
332
00:13:18,564 --> 00:13:21,499
When are we going
to get married?
333
00:13:21,567 --> 00:13:23,501
Someday, sweetheart.
334
00:13:23,569 --> 00:13:25,003
Someday.
335
00:13:25,071 --> 00:13:26,282
You wouldn't want to be married
336
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,239
in a dump like this.
337
00:14:06,980 --> 00:14:08,913
♪ ♪
338
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:45,649
You handsome devil you.
339
00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:06,671
Hello?
340
00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:08,172
Hi, Marna.
341
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,219
I just wanted to make sure
you're going to be here on time.
342
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:11,341
Are you kidding?
343
00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:13,389
Would I miss the Hollywood
stars costume party?
344
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:15,246
The biggest party of the year.
345
00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:16,959
Freddie, do you
think it'd be all right
346
00:15:16,983 --> 00:15:18,827
to bring my map of
the movie stars homes?
347
00:15:18,851 --> 00:15:20,329
I mean, maybe I
could get some of them
348
00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:21,819
to autograph their house.
349
00:15:21,888 --> 00:15:23,866
No, I don't think that
would be too cool, Marna.
350
00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,423
I suppose you're right.
351
00:15:25,491 --> 00:15:28,826
Oh, listen, I've decided
not to bring my pitchfork.
352
00:15:28,895 --> 00:15:30,706
Oh, why not? It
looks groovy on you.
353
00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:32,596
Yeah, I know, but I'm afraid
354
00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:35,010
that's it's going to punch
holes in my convertible top.
355
00:15:35,034 --> 00:15:38,002
Hmm, well, just hurry and
get here as fast as you can.
356
00:15:38,071 --> 00:15:40,191
I don't want to miss
a minute of this party.
357
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,360
Okay, I'm leaving right
now. Love you. Bye.
358
00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:55,231
Help! Help! What's wrong?
359
00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:56,520
The plumbing.
360
00:15:56,589 --> 00:15:57,922
The pipes broke in the bathroom
361
00:15:57,991 --> 00:15:59,434
and the water is
spraying all over.
362
00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:01,103
Please, you've got to help me.
363
00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:02,771
Ma'am, I've got
a big date tonight.
364
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:04,662
But I don't know what to do!
365
00:16:04,730 --> 00:16:06,497
All right.
366
00:16:06,565 --> 00:16:07,832
Thank you!
367
00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:12,337
In there, just go upstream.
368
00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:14,965
I feel like a salmon.
369
00:16:16,209 --> 00:16:17,875
Are you all right?
370
00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:19,143
Do you need anything?
371
00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:21,772
Yeah, an inner tube!
372
00:16:26,052 --> 00:16:27,529
I shut the, uh, water off
373
00:16:27,553 --> 00:16:29,698
but you're going to have
to get your manager to fix it.
374
00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:30,921
Thank you.
375
00:16:30,991 --> 00:16:32,923
Oh, here.
376
00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:34,425
Oh, you're soaking wet.
377
00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:36,472
Your tail is dragging.
378
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:39,075
By the way, why are
you dressed like the devil?
379
00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:41,199
Oh, I have a big date tonight.
380
00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:44,235
Oh, I can see
what's on your mind.
381
00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:45,903
Take off your pants.
382
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,673
Huh?
383
00:16:50,776 --> 00:16:52,210
Oh, silly,
384
00:16:52,278 --> 00:16:54,123
I just want to iron
them dry, that's all.
385
00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:55,291
It'll only take a minute.
386
00:16:55,315 --> 00:16:57,459
I'll get my husband's robe.
387
00:16:57,483 --> 00:16:59,695
By the way, my name is Delilah.
388
00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:01,530
Uh, my name's Freddie,
glad to meet you.
389
00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:02,820
Me, too.
390
00:17:02,889 --> 00:17:05,449
Take off your pants.
391
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:14,009
Want another hot toddy?
392
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:14,966
No, uh, thanks.
393
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,067
I don't want to be bombed
394
00:17:16,135 --> 00:17:17,568
when I pick up my girl.
395
00:17:17,636 --> 00:17:19,481
Gee, I don't want you
catching cold on my account.
396
00:17:19,505 --> 00:17:23,440
This sure is a strange
way to meet someone.
397
00:17:23,509 --> 00:17:25,209
Uh, you been living here long?
398
00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:28,312
Couple of weeks, but
neither of us is home much.
399
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,948
Well, I am looking forward
to meeting your husband.
400
00:17:31,017 --> 00:17:32,950
The animal?
401
00:17:33,019 --> 00:17:34,663
Looking forward to
meeting him is like
402
00:17:34,687 --> 00:17:37,455
looking forward
to a train wreck.
403
00:17:37,524 --> 00:17:39,223
Your wreck is home.
404
00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:41,926
Jake, I didn't hear you come in.
405
00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:44,929
I know, I wanted it that way.
406
00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:48,933
I wanted to catch you
with your company.
407
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,503
Well, I thought I
imagined the worst,
408
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:55,940
but I never dreamed I'd catch
you with Rosemary's baby.
409
00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:57,608
Hi.
410
00:17:57,677 --> 00:17:59,277
You must be her husband.
411
00:17:59,345 --> 00:18:00,611
Right.
412
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,224
You must be her boyfriend.
413
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:03,347
Right.
414
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,015
Not right, wrong.
415
00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:06,984
I am your next door neighbor.
416
00:18:07,053 --> 00:18:09,019
Ain't that convenient.
417
00:18:09,089 --> 00:18:11,855
You always come
calling with no pants?
418
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:13,857
Hardly ever.
419
00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:15,259
Listen, uh...
420
00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:16,860
Look, he came over with pants.
421
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:18,640
He took them off
after he got here.
422
00:18:18,664 --> 00:18:20,809
That's what I figured.
423
00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:22,433
That is not what she meant.
424
00:18:22,501 --> 00:18:24,101
What did she mean?
425
00:18:24,170 --> 00:18:27,438
Well, uh, that's
what she meant...
426
00:18:27,506 --> 00:18:30,441
See, this is not
what it looks like.
427
00:18:30,509 --> 00:18:32,988
It looks like a
man with no pants
428
00:18:33,012 --> 00:18:35,012
wearing my robe.
429
00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:38,916
Yeah, that's what
it looks like all right.
430
00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:40,952
I'll give you back your robe.
431
00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:42,954
Mmm.
432
00:18:43,022 --> 00:18:45,167
Jake, don't jump to conclusions.
433
00:18:45,191 --> 00:18:47,336
Use that fat head of
yours for a change.
434
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,004
Later, I'll get to you later.
435
00:18:49,028 --> 00:18:51,462
No, you get to her right
now because I have to go.
436
00:18:51,530 --> 00:18:54,465
See this?
437
00:18:55,534 --> 00:18:56,968
Yeah.
438
00:18:57,036 --> 00:18:58,970
It's a snake.
439
00:18:59,038 --> 00:19:01,138
You see his fangs?
440
00:19:01,207 --> 00:19:03,140
Yeah.
441
00:19:03,209 --> 00:19:05,642
They're, uh... dripping blood.
442
00:19:05,711 --> 00:19:08,512
See what it says underneath?
443
00:19:09,616 --> 00:19:12,550
It says, "Don't tread on me."
444
00:19:12,619 --> 00:19:15,553
That's words to live by.
445
00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:18,156
You tread on me.
446
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:22,193
Jake! You...
447
00:19:22,262 --> 00:19:25,196
You're really hard
to get along with.
448
00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:42,380
Hi, Marna?
449
00:19:42,448 --> 00:19:44,382
You haven't left yet?
450
00:19:44,450 --> 00:19:45,949
Do you know how late you are?
451
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,284
Not really.
452
00:19:47,353 --> 00:19:49,365
I don't know how long
I've been unconscious.
453
00:19:49,389 --> 00:19:51,533
It's a long story. I'll
explain it all to you later.
454
00:19:51,557 --> 00:19:53,202
The last thing I
remember is a...
455
00:19:53,226 --> 00:19:56,193
a blue and red snake
speeding towards my face.
456
00:19:56,262 --> 00:19:57,361
A snake?
457
00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:58,628
You were bit by a snake?
458
00:19:58,697 --> 00:20:00,665
No, I was hit by a gorilla.
459
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:02,333
I'll be right over, okay?
460
00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:04,335
I love you. Bye.
461
00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:14,812
Go away.
462
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:16,814
Open up, I'm alone.
463
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,527
That's the way
I want to keep it.
464
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:19,562
Open up, please.
465
00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:22,146
It's all right, I promise.
466
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:25,989
Look, at the risk
of sounding hokey,
467
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,658
we cannot go on
meeting like this.
468
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:29,826
We cannot go on meeting at all.
469
00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:31,995
I wanted to apologize.
470
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,564
I accept. Bye.
471
00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:36,800
Jake feels awful bad.
472
00:20:36,869 --> 00:20:39,569
Aww, did my jaw hurt his fist?
473
00:20:39,638 --> 00:20:41,616
I explained everything to him,
474
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,285
and he just feels
terrible about it.
475
00:20:43,309 --> 00:20:45,575
He knows he made
a fool of himself.
476
00:20:45,644 --> 00:20:48,078
He's just sitting around
the house and sulking.
477
00:20:48,147 --> 00:20:50,525
You are making it
sound like it's my fault.
478
00:20:50,549 --> 00:20:52,616
You've got to admit,
it did look suspicious.
479
00:20:52,684 --> 00:20:55,085
What would you do if you
caught him in your robe?
480
00:20:55,154 --> 00:20:56,653
I would let him have it.
481
00:20:56,722 --> 00:20:57,821
That's what he did.
482
00:20:57,890 --> 00:20:59,702
No, I mean, I would
let him have the robe.
483
00:20:59,726 --> 00:21:02,371
See, I am man enough
to admit I'm a total coward.
484
00:21:02,395 --> 00:21:05,329
Freddie, would you
do me a favor, please?
485
00:21:05,398 --> 00:21:07,331
No.
486
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,334
Jake wants you to come
over so he can apologize.
487
00:21:10,403 --> 00:21:12,715
Let him come over
here and apologize
488
00:21:12,739 --> 00:21:14,383
from the other side of the door.
489
00:21:14,407 --> 00:21:15,718
But he thinks you're mad at him.
490
00:21:15,742 --> 00:21:18,376
He's wrong, I'm afraid of him.
491
00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:20,422
Please, it'll make
him feel a lot better.
492
00:21:20,446 --> 00:21:22,380
Look, I don't want
to make him feel bad,
493
00:21:22,448 --> 00:21:24,214
but I got a big date tonight
494
00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:25,716
and I'm already an hour late.
495
00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:28,719
How long does it
take to say I'm sorry?
496
00:21:31,557 --> 00:21:32,990
All right.
497
00:21:33,058 --> 00:21:34,703
Oh, thanks, that's big of you.
498
00:21:34,727 --> 00:21:35,738
I'll see you later.
499
00:21:35,762 --> 00:21:37,239
Where you going? To the store.
500
00:21:37,263 --> 00:21:38,696
You mean I got
to face him alone?
501
00:21:38,765 --> 00:21:42,800
Don't worry, he's like a
pussycat when he's drinking.
502
00:21:42,868 --> 00:21:44,802
He's drinking?
503
00:21:44,870 --> 00:21:47,371
He's drinking because of you.
504
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:50,040
He's eating his
heart out with shame.
505
00:21:50,109 --> 00:21:52,042
I think...
506
00:21:52,111 --> 00:21:53,655
I think you better go
507
00:21:53,679 --> 00:21:55,657
and accept his apology.
508
00:21:55,681 --> 00:21:57,659
'Cause he's going to apologize,
509
00:21:57,683 --> 00:22:00,618
even if he has to
come looking for you.
510
00:22:11,864 --> 00:22:13,797
Come in.
511
00:22:15,901 --> 00:22:18,168
Hiya.
512
00:22:18,237 --> 00:22:19,836
Oh, I can't look.
513
00:22:19,905 --> 00:22:21,838
I'm too embarrassed!
514
00:22:21,907 --> 00:22:25,009
I can't look at you in the face.
515
00:22:25,077 --> 00:22:27,011
Sure you can.
516
00:22:27,079 --> 00:22:29,013
Come on, try.
517
00:22:33,319 --> 00:22:36,753
Well, at least I didn't
mark up your face.
518
00:22:38,358 --> 00:22:40,458
I usually cut them
up pretty good.
519
00:22:40,526 --> 00:22:43,126
I guess it's because
I didn't use the hand
520
00:22:43,195 --> 00:22:44,794
with the wolf ring on it.
521
00:22:44,863 --> 00:22:47,798
I'm, uh, just lucky I guess.
522
00:22:47,867 --> 00:22:51,802
Uh, Delilah, your wife, said
you wanted to talk to me.
523
00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:53,303
Yeah, sit down.
524
00:22:53,372 --> 00:22:54,416
No, I can't.
525
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,418
I really got to go.
526
00:22:56,442 --> 00:22:58,376
Sure.
527
00:22:58,444 --> 00:23:00,378
I understand!
528
00:23:00,446 --> 00:23:02,546
I don't blame you for hating me.
529
00:23:02,615 --> 00:23:04,214
Come on, take a poke at me.
530
00:23:04,283 --> 00:23:05,883
Come on, I'll feel a lot better.
531
00:23:05,951 --> 00:23:07,429
Come on. I-I don't
want to hit you.
532
00:23:07,453 --> 00:23:08,952
All right, well,
then yell at me.
533
00:23:09,021 --> 00:23:10,053
Tell me off!
534
00:23:10,122 --> 00:23:11,321
Call me a dirty name.
535
00:23:11,391 --> 00:23:12,490
I know I deserve it.
536
00:23:12,558 --> 00:23:15,118
No, I don't want to
call you a dirty name.
537
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:17,305
All right, uh, I'm
going to sit down
538
00:23:17,329 --> 00:23:20,264
because we are neighbors.
539
00:23:25,838 --> 00:23:28,773
You're a sweetheart of a guy.
540
00:23:29,975 --> 00:23:32,410
Oh, I'm sorry,
541
00:23:32,478 --> 00:23:34,912
I didn't mean to
hit you so hard.
542
00:23:34,980 --> 00:23:36,458
Yeah, it's all right.
543
00:23:36,482 --> 00:23:39,417
Uh, it's just that your
wolf ring gauged me.
544
00:23:39,485 --> 00:23:41,419
I'm all right.
545
00:23:41,487 --> 00:23:43,421
Hey, how about a drink, huh?
546
00:23:43,489 --> 00:23:44,867
Yeah, yeah, I know. Uh...
547
00:23:44,891 --> 00:23:45,891
Scotch, vodka?
548
00:23:45,925 --> 00:23:47,335
No, nothing for me. What?
549
00:23:47,359 --> 00:23:48,999
Oh, well, I'm afraid
you'll have to settle
550
00:23:49,028 --> 00:23:51,128
for whiskey, that's all I got.
551
00:23:51,196 --> 00:23:53,130
That's fine. Okay.
552
00:23:58,938 --> 00:24:00,905
Cheers.
553
00:24:13,519 --> 00:24:16,286
You know...
554
00:24:16,355 --> 00:24:18,288
I think I can tell you something
555
00:24:18,357 --> 00:24:20,290
without it going any further.
556
00:24:23,830 --> 00:24:26,931
You get to know
a guy pretty good
557
00:24:26,999 --> 00:24:29,467
when you punch him in the mouth.
558
00:24:29,535 --> 00:24:31,502
Tell me what?
559
00:24:31,571 --> 00:24:35,506
There's a good reason why
I punched you in the mouth.
560
00:24:35,574 --> 00:24:37,486
You wanted to get
to know me better?
561
00:24:37,510 --> 00:24:40,010
No, I wanted to
knock your head off.
562
00:24:41,713 --> 00:24:43,647
See, I...
563
00:24:46,018 --> 00:24:47,951
I have reason to believe
564
00:24:48,020 --> 00:24:50,954
that my wife is
seeing another man.
565
00:24:51,023 --> 00:24:53,624
Really?
566
00:24:53,692 --> 00:24:55,292
Hey, how about another drink?
567
00:24:55,361 --> 00:24:57,506
Hmm? No, no,
uh, one is my limit.
568
00:24:57,530 --> 00:24:59,463
Well, then I'll have one.
569
00:25:04,570 --> 00:25:06,503
Down the hatch.
570
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:17,681
Look, uh...
571
00:25:17,750 --> 00:25:20,094
how long have you
suspected your wife?
572
00:25:20,118 --> 00:25:23,086
With a girl named Delilah,
573
00:25:23,155 --> 00:25:25,723
you suspect all the time.
574
00:25:25,791 --> 00:25:30,193
Mostly, since we moved in
here, uh, a couple of weeks.
575
00:25:30,262 --> 00:25:31,762
What makes you suspicious?
576
00:25:31,831 --> 00:25:36,834
She has a friend that's
been getting sick a lot lately.
577
00:25:36,902 --> 00:25:38,435
Well, that could be the truth.
578
00:25:38,504 --> 00:25:40,237
Could be.
579
00:25:40,305 --> 00:25:43,507
But lots of times
the phone rings,
580
00:25:43,576 --> 00:25:46,944
and when I answer
it, they hang up on me.
581
00:25:47,013 --> 00:25:48,891
Maybe it's the wrong number.
582
00:25:50,716 --> 00:25:52,349
Could be.
583
00:25:52,418 --> 00:25:56,086
But the clincher is she's
been acting awful strange
584
00:25:56,155 --> 00:25:58,022
towards me lately!
585
00:25:58,090 --> 00:25:59,523
You mean, uh...
586
00:25:59,592 --> 00:26:01,158
Yeah.
587
00:26:01,226 --> 00:26:04,028
She's been warm
and affectionate.
588
00:26:04,096 --> 00:26:08,532
Why should she be warm and
affectionate towards me, huh?
589
00:26:08,601 --> 00:26:09,767
I'm an animal!
590
00:26:09,835 --> 00:26:11,869
Maybe she loves you.
591
00:26:11,937 --> 00:26:14,170
No.
592
00:26:14,239 --> 00:26:19,142
No woman is that considerate
unless they feel guilty.
593
00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:24,114
On our honeymoon,
she called me "slob."
594
00:26:26,985 --> 00:26:31,355
Today, she calls
me "sugar lips."
595
00:26:31,423 --> 00:26:33,590
The honeymoon is over.
596
00:26:33,659 --> 00:26:36,393
I think you're
exaggerating things.
597
00:26:38,797 --> 00:26:40,530
Could be.
598
00:26:40,599 --> 00:26:44,367
Yeah. Boy, if I
ever catch that guy,
599
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:48,138
I'm going to exaggerate
his face all over the room!
600
00:26:48,207 --> 00:26:49,751
You're getting
upset over nothing.
601
00:26:49,775 --> 00:26:50,775
Nothing?!
602
00:26:50,843 --> 00:26:52,743
My wife cheating
on me is nothing?
603
00:26:52,812 --> 00:26:55,223
No, I-I don't mean
nothing, not nothing.
604
00:26:55,247 --> 00:26:57,425
Uh... see, Delilah, your wife,
605
00:26:57,449 --> 00:26:59,650
is very attractive,
606
00:26:59,719 --> 00:27:01,797
and it is normal for
you to be jealous,
607
00:27:01,821 --> 00:27:04,332
but jealousy can make
you imagine things.
608
00:27:04,356 --> 00:27:06,490
Yeah, you sound
just like my wife.
609
00:27:06,558 --> 00:27:07,669
Listen!
610
00:27:07,693 --> 00:27:09,927
I know what I think I know.
611
00:27:09,996 --> 00:27:11,206
Yeah, yeah, listen
to me, will you?
612
00:27:11,230 --> 00:27:12,774
See, I'm just saying that, uh,
613
00:27:12,798 --> 00:27:14,242
that you're building
something out of nothing.
614
00:27:14,266 --> 00:27:15,811
You're getting upset,
and you could be wrong.
615
00:27:15,835 --> 00:27:18,736
Yeah? You sound like
you're on my wife's side.
616
00:27:18,804 --> 00:27:22,006
Maybe I made a mistake
making friends with you.
617
00:27:22,074 --> 00:27:23,885
No. I'm just saying
that your suspicions
618
00:27:23,909 --> 00:27:25,487
are based on nothing;
you have no proof.
619
00:27:25,511 --> 00:27:27,878
Proof? Yeah? I
got plenty of proof.
620
00:27:27,947 --> 00:27:30,648
What about that
postcard from Pasadena
621
00:27:30,716 --> 00:27:33,851
saying, "Wish you were here"?
622
00:27:33,919 --> 00:27:36,486
And then there was
that time when I found
623
00:27:36,555 --> 00:27:40,624
that aftershave lotion
on her bowling shoes.
624
00:27:40,693 --> 00:27:42,192
And how about tonight?
625
00:27:42,261 --> 00:27:43,426
Tonight!
626
00:27:43,495 --> 00:27:45,428
She gets this bouquet of flowers
627
00:27:45,497 --> 00:27:48,565
and this little itty-bitty note.
628
00:27:48,634 --> 00:27:51,568
It says, "Though I
saw you only yesterday,
629
00:27:51,637 --> 00:27:54,204
"it seems like a million years.
630
00:27:54,273 --> 00:27:55,973
Signed, Honey Bunny."
631
00:27:56,042 --> 00:27:57,152
Now, do you see?
632
00:27:57,176 --> 00:27:59,021
Do you see how wrong you are?
633
00:27:59,045 --> 00:28:01,845
Because I bought those flowers.
634
00:28:01,914 --> 00:28:02,914
Yeah?
635
00:28:02,982 --> 00:28:04,826
Yeah. Yeah, I brought them in...
636
00:28:04,850 --> 00:28:06,150
Ooh.
637
00:28:06,218 --> 00:28:11,689
That was before or after you
took off those sissy red pants?
638
00:28:11,757 --> 00:28:15,025
I, um... have to go now.
639
00:28:16,528 --> 00:28:19,262
That's right, stretch pants.
640
00:28:19,331 --> 00:28:22,099
You have to go.
641
00:28:31,577 --> 00:28:33,844
Why does this man
keep hitting you?
642
00:28:33,913 --> 00:28:35,345
It's silly.
643
00:28:35,414 --> 00:28:37,391
He thinks I'm messing
around with his wife.
644
00:28:37,415 --> 00:28:39,416
Why does he think that?
645
00:28:39,484 --> 00:28:43,453
Oh, because he caught me in
her apartment with my pants off.
646
00:28:43,522 --> 00:28:46,957
Marna, don't scream at
me in that tone of voice.
647
00:28:47,026 --> 00:28:50,560
A man just doesn't beat
you up twice for no reason!
648
00:28:50,629 --> 00:28:51,895
Man? That is no man.
649
00:28:51,964 --> 00:28:53,296
That is an animal.
650
00:28:53,365 --> 00:28:55,205
He's got blood dripping
with little fangs on...
651
00:29:06,011 --> 00:29:10,013
♪ Pack up your troubles
in your old kit bag ♪
652
00:29:10,082 --> 00:29:11,682
♪ And smile and smile... ♪
653
00:29:17,089 --> 00:29:19,489
Do me a favor...
Get out of my life.
654
00:29:19,558 --> 00:29:21,792
Jake locked me out.
655
00:29:21,860 --> 00:29:23,794
Congratulations.
He dragged me out.
656
00:29:23,862 --> 00:29:27,064
Did you notice where my nose
scuffed a groove in the carpet?
657
00:29:27,132 --> 00:29:28,665
Where'd you get my flowers?
658
00:29:28,734 --> 00:29:31,580
I found them laying at the
end of the groove in the carpet.
659
00:29:31,604 --> 00:29:33,003
Why are they so...?
660
00:29:33,072 --> 00:29:34,270
I'm not sure.
661
00:29:34,339 --> 00:29:36,306
I think he ground
them up in my face.
662
00:29:36,374 --> 00:29:38,809
I-I found chlorophyll
stains on my teeth.
663
00:29:38,877 --> 00:29:40,243
What happened?
664
00:29:40,312 --> 00:29:43,046
Your husband beat me up again
because he thinks we're lovers.
665
00:29:43,115 --> 00:29:45,082
My girlfriend thinks
we're messing around.
666
00:29:45,150 --> 00:29:47,350
My piece of mind
and my face is ruined.
667
00:29:47,419 --> 00:29:49,130
Oh, just another day.
668
00:29:49,154 --> 00:29:50,386
Well, what did you say to him?
669
00:29:50,455 --> 00:29:53,490
I said, "Don't hit me."
670
00:29:53,558 --> 00:29:55,892
I'm really sorry that happened.
671
00:29:55,961 --> 00:29:59,029
Because I feel badly having
to ask another favor of you.
672
00:29:59,098 --> 00:30:01,665
Can I stay here till my
husband gets home from work?
673
00:30:01,734 --> 00:30:03,466
Sorry.
674
00:30:03,535 --> 00:30:05,379
I just can't sleep
in the streets.
675
00:30:05,403 --> 00:30:07,115
Well, then sleep
on the sidewalk.
676
00:30:07,139 --> 00:30:09,873
That way, you won't have to
worry about cars parking on you.
677
00:30:09,942 --> 00:30:11,508
I don't blame you.
678
00:30:11,577 --> 00:30:13,109
You did nothing to deserve this.
679
00:30:13,178 --> 00:30:15,490
Good, I'm glad that
you see it my way.
680
00:30:15,514 --> 00:30:18,014
I did nothing to
deserve it, either.
681
00:30:18,083 --> 00:30:19,883
That's true.
682
00:30:19,952 --> 00:30:21,417
No. No!
683
00:30:21,487 --> 00:30:23,487
You cannot stay here.
684
00:30:23,555 --> 00:30:26,857
Well, look, at least let
me just call some friends.
685
00:30:26,925 --> 00:30:28,603
I see nothing wrong in that.
686
00:30:28,627 --> 00:30:30,505
Can I stay here
till they pick me up?
687
00:30:30,529 --> 00:30:32,239
Look, they'll be here
in a few minutes.
688
00:30:32,263 --> 00:30:34,503
My husband's at work,
so you can't get in trouble.
689
00:30:35,467 --> 00:30:37,266
All right.
690
00:30:37,335 --> 00:30:39,213
We can't have you
sleeping out on the street.
691
00:30:39,237 --> 00:30:40,871
Aw, thank you.
692
00:30:40,939 --> 00:30:42,572
You're so sweet
and understanding.
693
00:30:42,641 --> 00:30:44,886
Well, I don't want to take
it out on you just because
694
00:30:44,910 --> 00:30:46,821
your husband punched me
in the face a couple of times.
695
00:30:46,845 --> 00:30:48,578
There's the phone.
696
00:30:48,647 --> 00:30:51,948
One more... tiny favor?
697
00:30:52,017 --> 00:30:53,617
What?
698
00:30:53,685 --> 00:30:54,618
A drink of water.
699
00:30:54,686 --> 00:30:56,052
I'm dying of thirst.
700
00:30:56,121 --> 00:30:58,221
Oh, yeah, sure. Sure.
701
00:31:04,830 --> 00:31:06,496
Hello, Danny?
702
00:31:06,565 --> 00:31:07,898
It's me.
703
00:31:07,966 --> 00:31:09,699
Guess what?
704
00:31:09,768 --> 00:31:11,401
Jake locked me out.
705
00:31:11,469 --> 00:31:13,036
I can see you.
706
00:31:13,104 --> 00:31:15,839
No, I don't have to
come home tonight at all.
707
00:31:15,908 --> 00:31:18,241
Ooh, it's too good to be true.
708
00:31:18,309 --> 00:31:20,777
I guess we just
live right, that's all.
709
00:31:20,846 --> 00:31:23,079
Now, look, here's where I am.
710
00:31:27,218 --> 00:31:28,885
I don't understand it.
711
00:31:28,954 --> 00:31:30,720
Your husband wants to kill me,
712
00:31:30,789 --> 00:31:32,233
my girlfriend thinks I've
been messing around.
713
00:31:32,257 --> 00:31:34,357
Why? What did I do wrong?
714
00:31:34,426 --> 00:31:36,804
I'll tell you, 'cause
you're such a nice guy.
715
00:31:36,828 --> 00:31:39,429
The problem is
you're such a nice guy.
716
00:31:39,497 --> 00:31:41,097
What?
717
00:31:41,166 --> 00:31:43,166
You tend to get involved.
718
00:31:43,234 --> 00:31:45,468
But you screamed for help.
719
00:31:47,539 --> 00:31:49,806
That wouldn't be your
husband, would it?
720
00:31:49,875 --> 00:31:53,043
He's supposed to be
at work, but he's sneaky.
721
00:31:53,111 --> 00:31:54,111
Who is it?
722
00:31:54,179 --> 00:31:55,612
It's Marna.
723
00:31:55,681 --> 00:31:56,824
A friend?
724
00:31:56,848 --> 00:31:58,314
Uh, no, uh, uh, my girl.
725
00:31:58,383 --> 00:31:59,883
Look, you've got to hide.
726
00:31:59,952 --> 00:32:01,162
Hide? Yes, hide.
727
00:32:01,186 --> 00:32:02,964
If she finds you here,
she'll think that she knows
728
00:32:02,988 --> 00:32:04,554
why I didn't go on
that date tonight.
729
00:32:04,623 --> 00:32:05,822
Come on, get in the bedroom.
730
00:32:05,891 --> 00:32:07,958
No, no, no, not the bedroom.
731
00:32:08,026 --> 00:32:09,425
If she finds you
anyplace at all,
732
00:32:09,494 --> 00:32:11,039
it's got to be someplace
that looks innocent.
733
00:32:11,063 --> 00:32:13,529
The closet.
734
00:32:15,133 --> 00:32:17,567
Now, I am going to
get her out of this room
735
00:32:17,636 --> 00:32:18,802
and then you get out.
736
00:32:18,870 --> 00:32:20,169
Okay.
737
00:32:24,843 --> 00:32:26,610
Hi, Marna.
738
00:32:26,678 --> 00:32:28,444
What are you doing here?
739
00:32:28,513 --> 00:32:32,082
I'm such a fool for making
those terrible accusations.
740
00:32:32,150 --> 00:32:34,250
Oh, it's all right.
741
00:32:34,319 --> 00:32:37,386
I was just mad and hurt
742
00:32:37,455 --> 00:32:41,057
and, well, I... I was
thinking only of myself.
743
00:32:41,126 --> 00:32:42,458
Oh, it's all right.
744
00:32:42,527 --> 00:32:44,060
Don't you give it
another thought.
745
00:32:44,129 --> 00:32:45,561
I'm a little person.
746
00:32:45,631 --> 00:32:47,274
You've always
been honest with me.
747
00:32:47,298 --> 00:32:49,077
I had no right to
doubt you this time,
748
00:32:49,101 --> 00:32:50,511
even if your story
didn't make any sense.
749
00:32:50,535 --> 00:32:52,869
Believe me, it didn't make
any sense to me either.
750
00:32:52,938 --> 00:32:54,504
I'm going to tell
you all about it la...
751
00:32:54,572 --> 00:32:57,507
Oh, I've got this
terrible headache.
752
00:32:57,575 --> 00:32:59,320
Oh, is there anything I can do?
753
00:32:59,344 --> 00:33:01,444
Yeah, would you mind very
much getting me some water
754
00:33:01,513 --> 00:33:02,545
and an aspirin?
755
00:33:02,614 --> 00:33:04,092
It's on the night
table in the bedroom.
756
00:33:04,116 --> 00:33:06,449
Of course.
757
00:33:06,518 --> 00:33:07,518
Oh.
758
00:33:13,591 --> 00:33:15,302
This is it, get out.
759
00:33:15,326 --> 00:33:16,638
That wouldn't be your
husband's knock, would it?
760
00:33:16,662 --> 00:33:19,222
How should I know? He
always uses the door key.
761
00:33:22,834 --> 00:33:23,900
I'm Danny.
762
00:33:23,969 --> 00:33:25,401
Danny?
763
00:33:25,470 --> 00:33:27,248
Delilah's boyfriend; she
told me to meet her here.
764
00:33:27,272 --> 00:33:28,671
Her boyfriend?
765
00:33:28,740 --> 00:33:32,175
But she's got her husband,
a monster with a ta... and...
766
00:33:32,244 --> 00:33:33,654
Her boyfriend? Yeah.
767
00:33:33,678 --> 00:33:34,823
Is she here?
768
00:33:34,847 --> 00:33:36,246
Yeah, I'll get her for you,
769
00:33:36,315 --> 00:33:38,326
not the way I'd like to get
her for you but I'll get her.
770
00:33:38,350 --> 00:33:39,916
Baby!
771
00:33:39,985 --> 00:33:42,018
Honey.
772
00:33:42,087 --> 00:33:43,764
What are you doing
hiding in the closet?
773
00:33:43,788 --> 00:33:45,028
I thought those days were over.
774
00:33:45,090 --> 00:33:46,500
Oh, I'll explain to you later,
775
00:33:46,524 --> 00:33:47,457
but let's get out of here.
776
00:33:47,525 --> 00:33:48,803
Oh, you're going to laugh.
777
00:33:48,827 --> 00:33:50,238
Enjoy yourself, it's on me.
778
00:33:50,262 --> 00:33:51,772
Open up!
779
00:33:51,796 --> 00:33:53,997
I know she's in there! Open up!
780
00:33:54,066 --> 00:33:55,409
That's my husband, Jake.
781
00:33:55,433 --> 00:33:56,510
I got to hide!
782
00:33:56,534 --> 00:33:57,654
Me, too! Me, too!
783
00:33:57,702 --> 00:33:59,402
Wait a second,
not the front door.
784
00:33:59,471 --> 00:34:00,715
Oh, thanks a lot, pal.
785
00:34:00,739 --> 00:34:01,950
Where's the bedroom?
Uh, it's in here.
786
00:34:01,974 --> 00:34:03,751
No, no, no.
787
00:34:03,775 --> 00:34:06,877
Open the door!
788
00:34:06,945 --> 00:34:08,923
Delilah's in there; we
can't be seen together.
789
00:34:08,947 --> 00:34:10,646
Get in there!
790
00:34:14,686 --> 00:34:16,119
Why do you have to hide anyway?
791
00:34:16,188 --> 00:34:18,428
Jake would know something
is up if he saw me here.
792
00:34:18,456 --> 00:34:19,496
I'm his best friend.
793
00:34:20,692 --> 00:34:24,060
Open that door
or I'll break it down!
794
00:34:24,129 --> 00:34:25,862
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
795
00:34:25,931 --> 00:34:29,165
Now, my friend, I've had about
as much of you as I can take.
796
00:34:29,234 --> 00:34:31,134
Now, you get away from that door
797
00:34:31,203 --> 00:34:32,936
or I am going to call the cop...
798
00:34:33,004 --> 00:34:34,004
You're a cop.
799
00:34:35,674 --> 00:34:38,941
You are an officer of the law?
800
00:34:39,010 --> 00:34:41,889
You bet your
constitutional rights I am.
801
00:34:41,913 --> 00:34:42,923
Where is she?
802
00:34:42,947 --> 00:34:44,113
Wh-where is who?
803
00:34:44,183 --> 00:34:45,260
You know who!
804
00:34:45,284 --> 00:34:46,216
That who?
805
00:34:46,285 --> 00:34:48,051
What makes you
think she's in here?
806
00:34:48,119 --> 00:34:50,353
It's her modus operandi.
807
00:34:51,523 --> 00:34:53,656
You're making a
terrible mistake.
808
00:34:53,725 --> 00:34:57,060
That's her lipstick
on this glass.
809
00:34:57,129 --> 00:34:58,206
Where is she?
810
00:34:58,230 --> 00:34:59,996
What's going on?
I heard yelling.
811
00:35:00,065 --> 00:35:01,831
Well, what's the police
doing here, Freddie?
812
00:35:01,900 --> 00:35:05,168
You... you... you
have a girl in here.
813
00:35:05,237 --> 00:35:06,903
Yes. Yes!
814
00:35:06,972 --> 00:35:08,738
Yes, I have a girl in here.
815
00:35:08,807 --> 00:35:10,406
That is my girlfriend.
816
00:35:10,475 --> 00:35:12,708
She has been my
girlfriend for six months.
817
00:35:12,778 --> 00:35:13,955
Oh.
818
00:35:13,979 --> 00:35:16,023
Well, I just assumed
that Delilah was in here.
819
00:35:16,047 --> 00:35:17,380
What's going on?
820
00:35:17,448 --> 00:35:19,360
Well, this officer of the law
is my next-door neighbor.
821
00:35:19,384 --> 00:35:22,051
Man has this silly idea that I
am messing around with his wife.
822
00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:25,288
He even thinks that she
is in here at this moment.
823
00:35:26,758 --> 00:35:29,159
I assure you, there's
no one here but us.
824
00:35:29,227 --> 00:35:30,760
I'm sorry.
825
00:35:30,829 --> 00:35:33,296
I guess the lipstick
was yours on the glass.
826
00:35:33,364 --> 00:35:35,398
What glass?
827
00:35:35,467 --> 00:35:37,133
That glass.
828
00:35:37,202 --> 00:35:39,735
I didn't have
anything to drink here.
829
00:35:39,804 --> 00:35:43,006
But the ice hasn't
even melted yet.
830
00:35:43,074 --> 00:35:47,844
She must have been here
within the last couple of days.
831
00:35:49,014 --> 00:35:51,147
So that's why you
missed our date!
832
00:35:51,216 --> 00:35:52,648
You had another girl up here!
833
00:35:52,717 --> 00:35:54,117
Or is she still here?
834
00:35:54,186 --> 00:35:56,431
There is no lover of
mine in this apartment.
835
00:35:56,455 --> 00:35:57,487
Where is she?
836
00:35:57,555 --> 00:35:59,956
I want to see
what she looks like!
837
00:36:08,833 --> 00:36:11,368
I want to see what
she's got that I don't.
838
00:36:11,436 --> 00:36:13,503
Freddie!
839
00:36:13,571 --> 00:36:14,815
Danny!
840
00:36:14,839 --> 00:36:16,706
Oh, hi, Jake. How's things?
841
00:36:16,774 --> 00:36:18,286
What are you doing here?
842
00:36:18,310 --> 00:36:22,479
Uh, I just came over to take
a look at this guy's raincoat.
843
00:36:22,547 --> 00:36:24,347
I knew you were here somewhere.
844
00:36:24,416 --> 00:36:26,716
Jake, don't jump to conclusions!
845
00:36:26,784 --> 00:36:29,230
Just 'cause I happen to be
hiding in Freddie's closet...
846
00:36:29,254 --> 00:36:31,621
I want to know why
you're harboring
847
00:36:31,689 --> 00:36:33,323
a known wife in your closet.
848
00:36:33,392 --> 00:36:34,991
Police brutality!
Police brutality!
849
00:36:35,060 --> 00:36:37,060
Get me a lawyer, a marriage
counselor, somebody!
850
00:36:37,129 --> 00:36:40,630
Okay, there's something
going on here I don't understand,
851
00:36:40,698 --> 00:36:42,410
but I'm going to
get the answers,
852
00:36:42,434 --> 00:36:44,901
and when I do,
I'm gonna be back.
853
00:36:44,969 --> 00:36:46,503
Let go of me!
854
00:36:46,571 --> 00:36:48,138
You-you animal!
855
00:36:48,206 --> 00:36:49,705
I'm not your slave.
856
00:36:49,774 --> 00:36:51,619
No, you're my prisoner...
You're under arrest.
857
00:36:51,643 --> 00:36:54,043
Get out here!
858
00:36:56,148 --> 00:36:58,981
I know you'll excuse me.
859
00:37:06,124 --> 00:37:08,057
Phew.
860
00:37:09,394 --> 00:37:11,427
Man, that was lucky.
861
00:37:11,496 --> 00:37:14,364
I thought for sure he was
going to whack me again.
862
00:37:14,432 --> 00:37:17,367
With every bit of good,
there's a little bad.
863
00:37:33,318 --> 00:37:35,584
I hope you learned your lesson.
864
00:37:35,653 --> 00:37:38,154
Never pre-judge
anyone without the facts.
865
00:37:38,223 --> 00:37:40,034
I won't, and I admit it.
866
00:37:40,058 --> 00:37:42,303
I was as wrong as I could be.
867
00:37:42,327 --> 00:37:44,638
You have to admit
it, it looked bad.
868
00:37:44,662 --> 00:37:47,931
Looked even worse to
me, I knew I was innocent.
869
00:37:47,999 --> 00:37:50,311
You really were a
victim of circumstance.
870
00:37:50,335 --> 00:37:51,979
Nothing worked
out right for you.
871
00:37:52,003 --> 00:37:55,271
Oh, yeah, one thing
worked out very right.
872
00:37:55,340 --> 00:37:57,273
What was that?
873
00:38:05,450 --> 00:38:07,216
How do I love thee?
874
00:38:07,286 --> 00:38:09,386
Let me count the ways.
875
00:38:11,456 --> 00:38:13,657
100,
876
00:38:13,725 --> 00:38:17,560
200, 300,
877
00:38:17,629 --> 00:38:21,231
400, 500...
878
00:38:39,484 --> 00:38:42,418
Well, I'm satisfied,
Miss Hazelton.
879
00:38:42,487 --> 00:38:44,265
As far as I'm
concerned, you're it.
880
00:38:44,289 --> 00:38:45,388
Right, Ben?
881
00:38:45,457 --> 00:38:47,001
Oh, now, wait a
minute. Wait a minute.
882
00:38:47,025 --> 00:38:48,305
We've seen several girls.
883
00:38:48,360 --> 00:38:49,970
Don't you think we
better talk it over?
884
00:38:49,994 --> 00:38:51,161
What's to talk over?
885
00:38:51,229 --> 00:38:53,496
We've seen several
girls, and Miss Hazelton is
886
00:38:53,565 --> 00:38:55,231
way out in front.
887
00:38:55,300 --> 00:38:56,899
I know, but, uh,
888
00:38:56,968 --> 00:38:59,146
is that any reason
to hire a secretary?
889
00:39:00,372 --> 00:39:02,972
Well, thank you very much.
890
00:39:03,041 --> 00:39:04,874
Um, I hope you
decide soon though,
891
00:39:04,942 --> 00:39:06,209
because I do have other offers.
892
00:39:06,277 --> 00:39:07,588
Ben, she has other offers.
893
00:39:07,612 --> 00:39:09,357
We've got to make
up our mind right now.
894
00:39:09,381 --> 00:39:11,381
Let's not make up
our minds right now.
895
00:39:11,416 --> 00:39:13,027
We'll see you in the
morning, Miss Hazelton.
896
00:39:13,051 --> 00:39:14,362
We'll call you in the morning.
897
00:39:14,386 --> 00:39:16,630
That's right, to report to
work and tell you what time,
898
00:39:16,654 --> 00:39:18,065
fill out the forms.
Good-bye, Miss Hazelton.
899
00:39:18,089 --> 00:39:19,022
Good-bye. Good-bye.
900
00:39:19,090 --> 00:39:20,490
Thanks again. Yeah.
901
00:39:22,293 --> 00:39:23,493
Ben, you let her get away.
902
00:39:23,561 --> 00:39:24,727
That girl is perfect.
903
00:39:24,795 --> 00:39:26,740
Yeah, perfect for
you, but not for me.
904
00:39:26,764 --> 00:39:27,796
What do you mean?
905
00:39:27,865 --> 00:39:29,110
What do I mean?
906
00:39:29,134 --> 00:39:31,312
I mean, Casanova,
that we're trying
907
00:39:31,336 --> 00:39:32,980
to get a girl to work
around the office,
908
00:39:33,004 --> 00:39:34,415
not a live-in
girlfriend for you.
909
00:39:34,439 --> 00:39:37,806
Ben, Ben, I'm surprised
at you, really surprised.
910
00:39:37,875 --> 00:39:40,054
All right, all right, who
do you suggest we hire?
911
00:39:40,078 --> 00:39:41,511
Well, why not Shirley?
912
00:39:41,579 --> 00:39:43,246
Your niece, Shirley?
913
00:39:43,314 --> 00:39:44,392
Yes, why not?
914
00:39:44,416 --> 00:39:46,482
She graduated from
secretarial school,
915
00:39:46,551 --> 00:39:48,551
tops of her class, she types,
916
00:39:48,619 --> 00:39:49,552
she takes shorthand.
917
00:39:49,620 --> 00:39:51,220
But she's ugly!
918
00:39:51,289 --> 00:39:53,022
What do you mean "she's ugly"?
919
00:39:53,091 --> 00:39:55,091
I'll tell you what I
mean "she's ugly."
920
00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:57,160
If a Peeping Tom
looked in her window,
921
00:39:57,228 --> 00:39:58,394
he'd pull down the shade.
922
00:39:58,463 --> 00:40:00,096
Another thing, what is this,
923
00:40:00,165 --> 00:40:01,730
a hiring hall for
your relatives?
924
00:40:01,799 --> 00:40:04,367
I'm not hiring your
ugly niece, Shirley.
925
00:40:04,436 --> 00:40:05,935
And I'm fed up,
926
00:40:06,003 --> 00:40:07,614
to here. Well,
all right, so am I.
927
00:40:07,638 --> 00:40:08,704
I tell you what.
928
00:40:08,773 --> 00:40:10,606
Why don't you buy me
out? Remove my initial.
929
00:40:10,675 --> 00:40:12,975
From now on, it
can be "B" Sweater.
930
00:40:13,044 --> 00:40:14,255
Why don't you buy me out?
931
00:40:14,279 --> 00:40:15,889
From now on, it
can be "F" Sweater.
932
00:40:15,913 --> 00:40:17,713
That's a very good
idea. I'll tell you what.
933
00:40:17,782 --> 00:40:19,527
I'll pack, we'll go
our separate ways.
934
00:40:19,551 --> 00:40:21,195
We see each other on the street,
935
00:40:21,219 --> 00:40:23,264
I'll wave to you,
you wave to me.
936
00:40:23,288 --> 00:40:25,955
That way we can remain friends.
937
00:40:26,023 --> 00:40:27,457
Maybe I won't even wave at you.
938
00:40:27,525 --> 00:40:28,824
That's all right with me.
939
00:40:28,893 --> 00:40:31,461
I'll tell you one thing:
partners we aren't.
940
00:40:31,529 --> 00:40:33,829
Okay? Agreed? Agreed.
941
00:40:33,898 --> 00:40:37,767
Uh, that is, unless, um...
942
00:40:37,836 --> 00:40:38,836
"Unless" what?
943
00:40:38,903 --> 00:40:41,704
Well, it's just a long shot,
944
00:40:41,773 --> 00:40:44,340
but I was talking to
my nephew yesterday.
945
00:40:44,409 --> 00:40:46,976
Oy vay!
946
00:40:47,045 --> 00:40:48,511
Another relative.
947
00:40:48,580 --> 00:40:50,079
Yes, another relative.
948
00:40:50,148 --> 00:40:51,992
I told him we weren't
getting along good
949
00:40:52,016 --> 00:40:53,961
and he said we
should come to see him.
950
00:40:53,985 --> 00:40:56,185
Which relative is this?
951
00:40:56,254 --> 00:40:58,354
Paul.
952
00:40:58,423 --> 00:41:00,323
Paul. Oh, that's the fella
953
00:41:00,391 --> 00:41:02,692
with the long hair
and the beads.
954
00:41:02,761 --> 00:41:04,193
The marriage counselor.
955
00:41:04,262 --> 00:41:06,240
Yeah, that's the way
he makes his living.
956
00:41:06,264 --> 00:41:09,031
If a couple is going to
split, they go to see him.
957
00:41:09,100 --> 00:41:10,500
"A couple"? What couple?
958
00:41:10,568 --> 00:41:12,201
We're not even a pair.
959
00:41:12,270 --> 00:41:14,637
Well, it's up to you.
960
00:41:14,706 --> 00:41:16,773
Is a 20-year association
961
00:41:16,841 --> 00:41:19,401
worth fighting for or not?
962
00:41:24,683 --> 00:41:26,115
Come in, boys, come in.
963
00:41:26,184 --> 00:41:28,184
Look, uh...
964
00:41:28,252 --> 00:41:29,664
I don't know what
I'm doing here.
965
00:41:29,688 --> 00:41:31,621
I was talked into it.
966
00:41:31,690 --> 00:41:33,222
I know this is a little unusual,
967
00:41:33,291 --> 00:41:34,990
but you shouldn't
feel uncomfortable.
968
00:41:35,059 --> 00:41:38,294
We'll just talk as friends
and see what happens.
969
00:41:38,363 --> 00:41:40,463
Sit down, please.
970
00:41:40,532 --> 00:41:42,465
Have a candy mint? No.
971
00:41:42,534 --> 00:41:43,778
Uncle Ben? What for?
972
00:41:43,802 --> 00:41:46,101
It sweetens the breath.
973
00:41:46,170 --> 00:41:47,948
Look, no matter what happens,
974
00:41:47,972 --> 00:41:49,784
I'm not going to kiss him.
975
00:41:49,808 --> 00:41:51,607
Now please don't be embarrassed
976
00:41:51,676 --> 00:41:53,743
because you're two men here.
977
00:41:53,812 --> 00:41:55,445
You have a partnership.
978
00:41:55,513 --> 00:41:58,073
It's on the verge
of breaking up.
979
00:41:58,115 --> 00:42:01,050
I'm in the business of
healing wounded partnerships.
980
00:42:01,118 --> 00:42:03,397
And it doesn't make any
difference whether it's between
981
00:42:03,421 --> 00:42:05,688
a man and a woman
or between two men.
982
00:42:05,757 --> 00:42:07,423
Yeah, but now that we're here,
983
00:42:07,492 --> 00:42:08,725
what's going to happen, huh?
984
00:42:08,793 --> 00:42:11,594
Well, this situation is
a little new to me, too.
985
00:42:11,663 --> 00:42:14,096
So I guess the best
thing to do is ask the usual
986
00:42:14,165 --> 00:42:15,931
questions I ask all my clients.
987
00:42:17,335 --> 00:42:18,768
When did you two meet?
988
00:42:18,837 --> 00:42:20,603
Well, you see, it was
989
00:42:20,672 --> 00:42:22,938
a beautiful summer night
and a soft summer wind was...
990
00:42:23,007 --> 00:42:24,685
Oh, stop with the
jokes, will you?
991
00:42:24,709 --> 00:42:25,886
Stop with the jokes.
992
00:42:25,910 --> 00:42:27,688
You're a regular Milton Berle.
993
00:42:27,712 --> 00:42:30,446
Well, it bugs me being
here, two grown men.
994
00:42:30,515 --> 00:42:31,726
If we were two grown men,
995
00:42:31,750 --> 00:42:34,194
we wouldn't be
here in the first place.
996
00:42:34,218 --> 00:42:37,620
Boys, boys, please, have
a little faith in each other.
997
00:42:37,689 --> 00:42:40,723
Now I've got to ask these
questions in order to help.
998
00:42:40,791 --> 00:42:43,459
What attracted
you to each other?
999
00:42:43,528 --> 00:42:44,808
Material things.
1000
00:42:44,863 --> 00:42:46,596
Aha, money. No, no, no,
1001
00:42:46,664 --> 00:42:48,130
material.
1002
00:42:48,199 --> 00:42:50,400
I had a warehouse
full of chintz and velvet
1003
00:42:50,468 --> 00:42:51,667
and he had some machines.
1004
00:42:51,736 --> 00:42:54,303
And so we got together
and we stayed together.
1005
00:42:54,372 --> 00:42:57,239
Not that I didn't have
some very good offers.
1006
00:42:57,308 --> 00:42:58,608
What offers?
1007
00:42:58,676 --> 00:43:00,120
Oh, forget it. What do you mean?
1008
00:43:00,144 --> 00:43:02,122
Don't forget it. No,
ask him to tell me.
1009
00:43:02,146 --> 00:43:03,780
I'd like to know, what offers?
1010
00:43:03,848 --> 00:43:07,116
Go on, Ben, this is the
place to get it all out.
1011
00:43:08,319 --> 00:43:09,752
Well, as long as we're
1012
00:43:09,820 --> 00:43:11,998
putting all the
cards on the table.
1013
00:43:12,022 --> 00:43:13,522
When we first started,
1014
00:43:13,591 --> 00:43:16,425
Sam Katz, a very
big man in linens,
1015
00:43:16,494 --> 00:43:20,095
a giant, really, called
me and wined me
1016
00:43:20,164 --> 00:43:21,975
and dined me, and
begged me to leave Jerry
1017
00:43:21,999 --> 00:43:23,143
and go with him.
1018
00:43:24,669 --> 00:43:25,812
Well, he did.
1019
00:43:25,836 --> 00:43:27,303
Well, I'm sure he did.
1020
00:43:27,372 --> 00:43:28,372
He spoke to me.
1021
00:43:28,439 --> 00:43:31,274
He told me to leave
you and go with him.
1022
00:43:31,342 --> 00:43:33,376
Now there's a guy
that needs help.
1023
00:43:33,444 --> 00:43:36,612
A giant in linen,
a pygmy in class.
1024
00:43:36,681 --> 00:43:39,715
You're doing very
well, very well.
1025
00:43:39,784 --> 00:43:40,994
We are?
1026
00:43:41,018 --> 00:43:42,451
We are?
1027
00:43:42,520 --> 00:43:44,287
You're the guy who needs help.
1028
00:43:44,355 --> 00:43:47,790
Boys, you're getting to
the gist of the problem here.
1029
00:43:47,858 --> 00:43:50,293
You've been holding
back your emotions
1030
00:43:50,361 --> 00:43:51,627
about each other for so long,
1031
00:43:51,696 --> 00:43:54,174
keeping them deep down inside
1032
00:43:54,198 --> 00:43:56,499
where they're festering
and seething in there.
1033
00:43:56,567 --> 00:43:58,601
I want them out, on the surface.
1034
00:43:58,670 --> 00:44:03,306
Now, I want you both
to tell the other, honestly,
1035
00:44:03,374 --> 00:44:05,641
exactly what you
think about each other.
1036
00:44:05,710 --> 00:44:07,677
Ben, you start.
1037
00:44:07,745 --> 00:44:09,178
Well, uh...
1038
00:44:09,246 --> 00:44:10,457
Go on.
1039
00:44:10,481 --> 00:44:13,649
Well, I really don't
know how to start.
1040
00:44:13,718 --> 00:44:17,420
I've always felt that
Jerry was kind of a...
1041
00:44:17,488 --> 00:44:19,588
Well, it's kind of
hard to put in words
1042
00:44:19,657 --> 00:44:22,758
just exactly what
I'm trying to say.
1043
00:44:23,994 --> 00:44:25,928
You're a dirty lecher
and a lazy bum!
1044
00:44:25,996 --> 00:44:27,029
That's what you are.
1045
00:44:27,097 --> 00:44:28,742
And you're a fanatic
about your family!
1046
00:44:28,766 --> 00:44:31,266
Boys, boys, boys, boys!
1047
00:44:31,336 --> 00:44:32,668
Please calm down.
1048
00:44:32,737 --> 00:44:35,404
Let's try to discuss this
as rational human beings.
1049
00:44:35,473 --> 00:44:38,374
And let's talk about
something else less physical.
1050
00:44:38,443 --> 00:44:40,053
Why, it's my
turn to tell him off.
1051
00:44:40,077 --> 00:44:43,546
No, I think the problem
goes back to the early days.
1052
00:44:43,614 --> 00:44:45,326
Somewhere in your
background is the key
1053
00:44:45,350 --> 00:44:47,160
to your hostility
towards each other.
1054
00:44:47,184 --> 00:44:49,118
And also the reason it's been
1055
00:44:49,187 --> 00:44:50,597
keeping you together
all these years.
1056
00:44:50,621 --> 00:44:53,455
Now, Jerry, think back.
1057
00:44:53,524 --> 00:44:55,291
Just let your mind wander.
1058
00:44:55,359 --> 00:44:57,860
What's the one thing you wanted
1059
00:44:57,929 --> 00:44:59,896
and couldn't have?
1060
00:44:59,964 --> 00:45:01,530
My nurse.
1061
00:45:01,599 --> 00:45:02,865
Oh.
1062
00:45:02,934 --> 00:45:05,234
No, no, she was
a very kind lady.
1063
00:45:05,303 --> 00:45:07,403
I liked her.
1064
00:45:07,471 --> 00:45:10,206
No, I... I loved her,
1065
00:45:10,274 --> 00:45:13,076
but it was this
difference in our ages
1066
00:45:13,144 --> 00:45:14,677
that kept us apart.
1067
00:45:14,746 --> 00:45:16,846
She was 47 and I was five.
1068
00:45:18,516 --> 00:45:20,983
And, you know, two weeks
ago I saw her on the street
1069
00:45:21,052 --> 00:45:24,420
and she's 87 now, and I
still have this thing for her.
1070
00:45:24,488 --> 00:45:25,755
You're kidding.
1071
00:45:25,824 --> 00:45:27,056
Your nurse?
1072
00:45:27,125 --> 00:45:28,257
No, that's true.
1073
00:45:28,326 --> 00:45:29,436
I have this thing for women
1074
00:45:29,460 --> 00:45:30,671
and it all stems
from that nurse.
1075
00:45:30,695 --> 00:45:33,162
Amazing.
1076
00:45:33,231 --> 00:45:35,798
Amazing the things
you learn about people.
1077
00:45:35,867 --> 00:45:39,035
No, it's true, it's
true, every word of it.
1078
00:45:41,672 --> 00:45:42,939
Very good, Jerry.
1079
00:45:43,007 --> 00:45:44,941
Ben?
1080
00:45:47,511 --> 00:45:48,878
A teddy bear?
1081
00:45:48,947 --> 00:45:52,381
Yeah, I had it
since I was so high.
1082
00:45:52,450 --> 00:45:55,184
It was only a little
small teddy bear,
1083
00:45:55,253 --> 00:45:56,886
but I loved it
1084
00:45:56,955 --> 00:45:58,788
better than anything
else in the world.
1085
00:45:58,857 --> 00:46:00,723
Even better than my blanket.
1086
00:46:02,526 --> 00:46:04,360
Every night when I'd go to bed,
1087
00:46:04,428 --> 00:46:06,362
it used to sleep with me.
1088
00:46:08,032 --> 00:46:09,799
Go on.
1089
00:46:09,868 --> 00:46:11,834
And when I got older,
1090
00:46:11,903 --> 00:46:14,403
I loved the teddy
bear even more.
1091
00:46:14,472 --> 00:46:16,906
Teddy Boo-Boo,
I used to call him.
1092
00:46:18,709 --> 00:46:20,910
My parents didn't understand.
1093
00:46:20,979 --> 00:46:22,912
They were ashamed.
1094
00:46:22,981 --> 00:46:25,581
Big lug sleeping
with a little teddy bear.
1095
00:46:25,650 --> 00:46:27,483
My father used to yell at me,
1096
00:46:27,551 --> 00:46:30,253
"Sleeping with that
lousy, cockeyed bear."
1097
00:46:30,321 --> 00:46:33,122
He'd yell, you
know, and I'd cry.
1098
00:46:33,191 --> 00:46:36,425
But Teddy Boo-Boo
wasn't cockeyed.
1099
00:46:36,494 --> 00:46:38,961
He had one eye
missing, that's all.
1100
00:46:39,030 --> 00:46:40,296
Please continue.
1101
00:46:40,364 --> 00:46:42,064
Oh, I can't.
1102
00:46:42,133 --> 00:46:45,234
It's too hard. It's too hard.
1103
00:46:45,303 --> 00:46:46,781
That's exactly
why you should try.
1104
00:46:46,805 --> 00:46:48,204
Well, I...
1105
00:46:48,273 --> 00:46:50,006
I pleaded with my folks.
1106
00:46:50,074 --> 00:46:52,675
I... I even tried to
make deals with them.
1107
00:46:52,743 --> 00:46:54,977
I gave up everything
for that teddy bear.
1108
00:46:55,046 --> 00:46:57,947
I gave up my blanket,
thumb sucking.
1109
00:46:58,016 --> 00:47:00,116
I even slept without
the night-light on.
1110
00:47:00,185 --> 00:47:02,418
No use.
1111
00:47:02,486 --> 00:47:05,554
And then one... one day,
1112
00:47:05,623 --> 00:47:08,157
I came home and, uh...
1113
00:47:08,226 --> 00:47:11,260
Teddy Boo-Boo was gone.
1114
00:47:11,329 --> 00:47:14,563
And the next day, I
found out that my father
1115
00:47:14,632 --> 00:47:17,066
had thrown him in the garbage.
1116
00:47:17,135 --> 00:47:18,167
What a way to go.
1117
00:47:18,236 --> 00:47:20,047
Now, now... that's all right.
1118
00:47:20,071 --> 00:47:22,104
Now, don't cry, no, no.
Come here, come here.
1119
00:47:22,173 --> 00:47:23,851
Oh, no.
1120
00:47:23,875 --> 00:47:26,153
Don't cry, don't cry.
I'll get you another one.
1121
00:47:26,177 --> 00:47:27,955
I'll tell you what,
I'll get you a panda.
1122
00:47:27,979 --> 00:47:30,324
The biggest panda...
an eight-foot tall panda.
1123
00:47:30,348 --> 00:47:32,681
No, no, you don't have
to. No, no, no, I can get it.
1124
00:47:32,750 --> 00:47:33,894
I have a friend in the toy...
1125
00:47:33,918 --> 00:47:35,129
I'll get it for you wholesale.
1126
00:47:35,153 --> 00:47:36,630
We'll deduct it from the taxes.
1127
00:47:36,654 --> 00:47:38,232
We can deduct this
from the taxes, can't we?
1128
00:47:38,256 --> 00:47:39,722
I don't know.
1129
00:47:39,790 --> 00:47:41,268
What do you mean you don't know?
1130
00:47:41,292 --> 00:47:42,402
It's a medical expense.
1131
00:47:42,426 --> 00:47:44,038
You see the
condition the man is in.
1132
00:47:45,196 --> 00:47:47,230
Boys, this is excellent.
1133
00:47:47,298 --> 00:47:48,530
Very constructive.
1134
00:47:48,599 --> 00:47:50,444
You're closer now
than you've ever been.
1135
00:47:50,468 --> 00:47:53,302
This is the perfect time to
get into the immediate problem.
1136
00:47:53,371 --> 00:47:55,104
What is it?
1137
00:47:55,173 --> 00:47:56,906
Problems? What does it matter?
1138
00:47:56,975 --> 00:47:58,352
What does it matter? It matters
1139
00:47:58,376 --> 00:48:00,187
because it's a
pending aggression
1140
00:48:00,211 --> 00:48:01,577
and we must deal with it now.
1141
00:48:01,645 --> 00:48:03,880
Well, okay, okay.
1142
00:48:03,948 --> 00:48:05,814
Here's the problem.
1143
00:48:05,884 --> 00:48:08,717
He wants to hire a sexy
girl to work in our office.
1144
00:48:08,786 --> 00:48:10,331
And he wants to hire his niece.
1145
00:48:10,355 --> 00:48:12,321
Shirley?
1146
00:48:12,390 --> 00:48:14,668
See, even he thinks she's a dog.
1147
00:48:14,692 --> 00:48:17,393
Is that all you ever
think of? Looks?
1148
00:48:17,461 --> 00:48:19,506
Well, if you've got to
stare at her face all day,
1149
00:48:19,530 --> 00:48:20,941
it might as well
be a pretty face.
1150
00:48:20,965 --> 00:48:22,631
Well, you better
not look in a mirror.
1151
00:48:22,700 --> 00:48:24,611
Well, now Shirley's
out and that's it.
1152
00:48:24,635 --> 00:48:27,303
Maybe you'd like to hire
your 87-year-old nurse.
1153
00:48:27,372 --> 00:48:28,782
Well, she looks better right now
1154
00:48:28,806 --> 00:48:30,684
than Shirley did the
day she was born.
1155
00:48:30,708 --> 00:48:32,353
Wait a minute, you
can't talk about my flesh
1156
00:48:32,377 --> 00:48:33,854
and blood like that. Well,
I'm not gonna have that...
1157
00:48:33,878 --> 00:48:35,956
Don't excite yourself. Oh, boy,
1158
00:48:35,980 --> 00:48:37,579
you had me fooled for a while.
1159
00:48:37,648 --> 00:48:39,681
For a while I thought you
had some compassion.
1160
00:48:39,750 --> 00:48:41,284
That you had some understanding.
1161
00:48:41,352 --> 00:48:43,119
But no, no, you're
the same old fake.
1162
00:48:43,187 --> 00:48:44,753
Here, take your handkerchief.
1163
00:48:44,822 --> 00:48:47,001
No, no, no, I wouldn't touch it.
1164
00:48:47,025 --> 00:48:48,969
You heard him! Him
and his Teddy Boo-Boo.
1165
00:48:48,993 --> 00:48:50,604
Ready to ruin the
business for a lousy,
1166
00:48:50,628 --> 00:48:52,295
cockeyed teddy bear!
1167
00:48:52,363 --> 00:48:54,163
Gentlemen, please.
1168
00:48:54,232 --> 00:48:56,043
No, I'm fed up! I'm fed up!
1169
00:48:56,067 --> 00:48:57,912
He can take his Teddy Boo-Boo
1170
00:48:57,936 --> 00:48:59,113
and his teddy bear
1171
00:48:59,137 --> 00:49:01,148
and his night-light
and his security blanket
1172
00:49:01,172 --> 00:49:02,416
and his niece and his, uh...
1173
00:49:03,541 --> 00:49:05,507
Yes?
1174
00:49:05,576 --> 00:49:07,021
The ladies are here, Doctor.
1175
00:49:07,045 --> 00:49:08,978
What, what ladies?
1176
00:49:09,047 --> 00:49:10,112
Your wives.
1177
00:49:10,181 --> 00:49:12,192
I thought this important
enough to consult them.
1178
00:49:12,216 --> 00:49:14,817
I'll send them in.
1179
00:49:15,920 --> 00:49:17,853
They're not fighting again?
1180
00:49:17,922 --> 00:49:19,822
Honestly, they're
just like children.
1181
00:49:19,890 --> 00:49:21,535
I'm afraid it's serious, ladies.
1182
00:49:21,559 --> 00:49:23,370
That's why I asked you over.
1183
00:49:23,394 --> 00:49:25,794
All right, Jerry,
what's it this time?
1184
00:49:25,863 --> 00:49:28,175
Well, you see, Bernice,
it's a long, long...
1185
00:49:28,199 --> 00:49:29,639
Yeah, I'll tell you what it is.
1186
00:49:29,700 --> 00:49:30,899
We need a secretary,
1187
00:49:30,969 --> 00:49:33,069
and Jerry wants
to hire this big...
1188
00:49:33,137 --> 00:49:35,071
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
1189
00:49:35,139 --> 00:49:36,905
We'll hire your niece.
1190
00:49:36,974 --> 00:49:38,852
That's the whole argument?
1191
00:49:38,876 --> 00:49:41,055
Over hiring some
stupid secretary?
1192
00:49:41,079 --> 00:49:42,578
Shirley's not stupid.
1193
00:49:42,646 --> 00:49:44,480
She types 80 words a minute.
1194
00:49:44,548 --> 00:49:47,108
With her face, I wouldn't
care if it was only 20.
1195
00:49:48,152 --> 00:49:50,953
Oh, dear, a young
lady called you.
1196
00:49:51,022 --> 00:49:52,254
A Miss Hazelton.
1197
00:49:52,322 --> 00:49:53,867
She couldn't reach
you at the office.
1198
00:49:53,891 --> 00:49:55,669
And she wanted you
to be sure and know
1199
00:49:55,693 --> 00:49:57,826
that she couldn't take the job.
1200
00:49:57,895 --> 00:50:00,562
Some other proposition
came through.
1201
00:50:00,631 --> 00:50:02,230
Uh, a proposition?
1202
00:50:02,299 --> 00:50:03,766
That's right.
1203
00:50:03,834 --> 00:50:06,268
She got the lead in
some Swedish movie.
1204
00:50:09,339 --> 00:50:12,440
I'll bet she can't speak
one word of Swedish.
1205
00:50:24,255 --> 00:50:26,389
I'm glad I married you, Webster.
1206
00:50:26,457 --> 00:50:28,624
But you are a little immature.
1207
00:50:42,540 --> 00:50:44,873
Well, all I need
now is the Scotch.
83945
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