Original subtitles

I have bad news.

When we got married, I told you

that my first husband was drowned.

Well, he's just shown up

after having amnesia for two years,

so I'm still legally married to him.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Lamar.

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

three separate views of love, American style:

teddy bears, blondes and an ailing marriage;

a brawl, a ball, and the cop next door;

and our first story about lovers who do

and lovers who don't get married,

which we call:

Harvey, I don't know about this.

Judy, what difference does it make

where we get married?

The important thing is I love you.

Why don't we wait till we get back home?

Are you kidding?

How could that possibly be as exciting

as getting married in Las Vegas?

I mean, think of getting married in Craneville.

Think about that.

Maybe, but, I mean, what's it going to look like?

We're supposed to be here at a teacher's convention.

Well, how can you learn more than by getting married?

Maybe I'll give you an "A" in honeymooning.

Oh, Harvey.

You know, you may be an algebra teacher,

but you've got a gym instructor's mind.

I love you.

Ah, it's going to be great.

Uh, we'll get married. Mm-hmm.

And then we'll go to the room for a couple of hours.

Then we'll see one of those nudie shows,

and then we'll go back to the room,

and then we'll see that dirty review downtown.

Harvey!

Well, come on! We got to live it up here.

Once we get back to Craneville,

it's going to be garage sales and G-rated movies.

Oh, quit the joking.

Oh, come on, honey.

It'll be a lot more exciting getting married here.

Well...

Oh, hi. Uh,

I'm Harvey Marshall.

This is my fiancée Judy Rickard.

Fine, fine, fine.

I'm Elmo Duncan. Hi.

If you'll just sit down please now

and fill out these forms.

We're from North Dakota.

Hmm. Congratulations.

Fill out these forms,

and I'll be back in just a few minutes.

You're going?

I have to perform an emergency wedding.

An emergency? I have to rush

over to the Sands Hotel and marry a big winner

to a cocktail waitress.

You make house calls?

He's right in the middle of a hot streak

at the craps table, and she's still on duty.

I just marry 'em. I don't ask questions.

Hmm, maybe it's one of the teachers

from the convention that's winning.

Do you have a teacher named Big Nick Gionello?

I don't think so.

Sarah, be sure that camera's loaded, won't you?

And grab some of those wedding rings.

And I think you better bring some more

of these plastic flowers.

I don't know.

Maybe we better get it over with before I change my mind.

Oh. Uh, uh, sir, do you think you could marry us

before you go over to see Big Nick?

No, no, no, no. We'll be back in a jiffy.

You just stay here and make yourself comfortable.

Here.

Have some champagne.

Yeah. Here's a bottle of champagne

while you wait, imported champagne.

Wow, imported champagne.

That'll be $35.

For champagne?

No, no, no.

That's the down payment for the deluxe wedding,

the champagne, the singing and the pictures,

the music and lifetime plastic flowers.

The works.

Such a cute little girl, huh?

She's worth all the best, isn't she?

She sure is. There's $35.

Yes, now, uh... you enjoy yourself, won't you?

Mm-hmm. We'll be right back.

You ready, Sarah?

I can't find the Bible.

We'll pick one up at the hotel. Get going.

Peace, children, peace.

Getting married in here certainly will be memorable.

Oh, come on, honey.

Let's have some champagne.

It's imported.

Imported?

It's from California.

So? We're in Nevada.

Oh, Harvey, a wedding is something

to always remember.

I mean, this place,

I'd be spending the rest of my life trying to forget.

Oh, come on, honey, it's not all that bad.

It's awful.

Everything in here is a terrible shade of pink,

including Elmo's eyes.

Okay, so the pink in his eyes matches his nose.

I think it's kind of cute.

Cute?

Why, it's a plastic playhouse.

This is no place for adults to get married.

It's for Hansel and Gretel.

Uh-uh, teacher.

Hansel and Gretel were brother and sister.

Ha! That's just it.

Elmo, your friend, would have married them.

Now, I'm not going to get married in here, Harvey.

Now just a darn second, young lady.

Let's get this marriage started right.

I'm the man of the house.

I chose this place.

This has become a moral issue.

Hmm.

Besides, I gave him a $35 deposit.

Well, that does it.

Nobody likes a cheap algebra teacher.

Now, Judy!

Now, I'll-I'll... I'll teach her a lesson,

because I'm the man of the house.

What house? I don't have a house.

I'll get a house.

$35 and no wedding.

I should be drunker than this.

I'll tell you that much.

I don't know about this, Bonnie.

Oh, come on. We came all the way

from Bakersfield just to get married.

Don't back out now.

Just let me call my mother, and I'll... Look...

you're not going to marry your mother,

although I know you'd like to.

That's a nice thing to say to a person

who just gave you your own portable radio, AM and FM.

I'm sorry, but the reason we came here

was to get away from your mother.

Every time we tried to get married in Bakersfield,

she talked you out of it.

She's lonely.

You have six brothers.

They don't love her. Why?

'Cause they got married?

Don't start that stuff, Bonnie.

Don't start that stuff.

I'm not a mama's boy.

Let me see your underwear.

Bonnie.

Come here.

What does that tag say?

Clyde Wilcox.

Yeah, and what else?

3481 Maple Drive.

See, you are a mama's boy.

I don't like that, Bonnie.

I don't like the way you're acting,

and I don't like the way you're tearing at my underwear.

I'm sorry, but you make me so mad sometimes.

I guess it's 'cause I love you so much.

Oh, please, please, marry me.

I love you, too.

Let's get it over with before I change my mind.

Oh, good. I wonder if there's anybody's here.

There doesn't seem to be. Let's go.

Hi, kids.

Oh, hi.

She wants to get married... to me.

Well, stick around.

We're not going anywhere.

Oh, you're not?

Well, that's a good idea, you know,

because there was a couple here earlier this evening,

and they were going to get married, you know?

And they didn't stick around,

and now they're going to be miserable

the rest of their lives.

Well, we're all ready. Just marry us.

Me?

You do that sort of thing here, don't you?

Well, uh...

Can we talk about this, Bonnie?

Oh, Clyde.

Bonnie and Clyde?

Forgive me, but that's funny.

Please, sir, we've been getting that sort of thing

ever since we first started going together.

I hate Warren Beatty.

So will you marry us?

Otherwise, I might lose him.

Oh, sure, sure.

Good.

Um, um... let's get right to it.

We'll do it right away.

We'll get right to it right now.

Hmm.

Let's get on with it.

Oh. Oh, need a-a m-marriage manual.

Marriage manual.

And... oh, there it is.

Good old marriage manual.

Here we are.

Isn't that a telephone directory?

Yeah, well, it is, yeah, but I... I just use it for a prop.

You see, I've got the service right in my mind.

Don't we have to fill out the license first?

Yeah, you're right.

And shouldn't we be up there?

Oh, th-that's a good place.

Come on.

Just come over here,

and we'll do everything up proper.

Don't touch those licenses.

Those are not for you.

Now here... here's...

Here are yours, right here.

See, this says marriage license.

Do we fill those in now?

Yeah. Uh, no.

I get to fill those.

Okay, what is your age, please?

Twenty.

Twenty.

Twenty.

Oh, a 20-20 marriage.

That's very nice.

Well, look, if you're old enough,

I mean, then you're ready.

Uh, do we sign these now?

Oh, yes, you've got to sign those

so it will be official. Right.

Put it right there. Put yours...

Very firm handwriting. That's very nice.

And they have to be notarized.

Yeah, see how you know? That's...

Let's see. There should be a notar... there.

Notar... ized.

"Special delivery"?

Yeah, it's-it's faster that way.

And now, by the power that's vested in me...

Harvey.

Judy.

I thought it was my mother.

Oh, Judy.

What are you doing?

I'm marrying Bonnie and Clyde.

Can't you ever stop joking?

Oh, please don't butt in.

It wasn't easy getting this far.

He can't marry you.

He's not a justice of the peace.

He's an algebra teacher.

A drunk algebra teacher.

Well, I'm a notary public.

Is it legal to be married by an algebra teacher in Nevada?

Judy, why-why did you come back?

Because I love you.

Oh.

Hey, Elmo!

We got a double header for you.

Yeah? What I need is a double scotch.

Clear out, all of you.

I'm not marrying anybody.

I just blew the biggest tip in my career.

What?

Big Nick.

All set for the wedding.

$500 in it for me. $500.

In the middle of the ceremony, he gets itchy.

Puts his whole wad on the hard eight.

And loses.

Loses.

Blew the whole wedding.

Shoved that great big tray

of his fiancée's right in her face.

Oh, I hate this town.

Listen, Elmo...

Get out!

All of you out.

Come on, Clyde, let's go.

Are we going back to Bakersfield?

No, we're going to go to the next chapel down.

And if that one's no good, we're going to go to the next one

and the next one until we find one.

Or until my mother finds us.

Say, uh, Elmo,

you know, I know you already had the $500 loss,

but there's a little matter of $35 deposit.

Yeah, you drank your deposit.

Get out.

I drank... okay.

Listen, don't worry, honey,

'cause we're going to get married at home

and we'll invite everybody in the whole town.

Good, that's exactly what I wanted,

a small wedding.

Come on, Gretel.

Okay, Hansel.

Bye.

Elmo?

When are we going to get married?

Someday, sweetheart.

Someday.

You wouldn't want to be married

in a dump like this.

♪ ♪

You handsome devil you.

Hello?

Hi, Marna.

I just wanted to make sure you're going to be here on time.

Are you kidding?

Would I miss the Hollywood stars costume party?

The biggest party of the year.

Freddie, do you think it'd be all right

to bring my map of the movie stars homes?

I mean, maybe I could get some of them

to autograph their house.

No, I don't think that would be too cool, Marna.

I suppose you're right.

Oh, listen, I've decided not to bring my pitchfork.

Oh, why not? It looks groovy on you.

Yeah, I know, but I'm afraid

that's it's going to punch holes in my convertible top.

Hmm, well, just hurry and get here as fast as you can.

I don't want to miss a minute of this party.

Okay, I'm leaving right now. Love you. Bye.

Help! Help! What's wrong?

The plumbing.

The pipes broke in the bathroom

and the water is spraying all over.

Please, you've got to help me.

Ma'am, I've got a big date tonight.

But I don't know what to do!

All right.

Thank you!

In there, just go upstream.

I feel like a salmon.

Are you all right?

Do you need anything?

Yeah, an inner tube!

I shut the, uh, water off

but you're going to have to get your manager to fix it.

Thank you.

Oh, here.

Oh, you're soaking wet.

Your tail is dragging.

By the way, why are you dressed like the devil?

Oh, I have a big date tonight.

Oh, I can see what's on your mind.

Take off your pants.

Huh?

Oh, silly,

I just want to iron them dry, that's all.

It'll only take a minute.

I'll get my husband's robe.

By the way, my name is Delilah.

Uh, my name's Freddie, glad to meet you.

Me, too.

Take off your pants.

Want another hot toddy?

No, uh, thanks.

I don't want to be bombed

when I pick up my girl.

Gee, I don't want you catching cold on my account.

This sure is a strange way to meet someone.

Uh, you been living here long?

Couple of weeks, but neither of us is home much.

Well, I am looking forward to meeting your husband.

The animal?

Looking forward to meeting him is like

looking forward to a train wreck.

Your wreck is home.

Jake, I didn't hear you come in.

I know, I wanted it that way.

I wanted to catch you with your company.

Well, I thought I imagined the worst,

but I never dreamed I'd catch you with Rosemary's baby.

Hi.

You must be her husband.

Right.

You must be her boyfriend.

Right.

Not right, wrong.

I am your next door neighbor.

Ain't that convenient.

You always come calling with no pants?

Hardly ever.

Listen, uh...

Look, he came over with pants.

He took them off after he got here.

That's what I figured.

That is not what she meant.

What did she mean?

Well, uh, that's what she meant...

See, this is not what it looks like.

It looks like a man with no pants

wearing my robe.

Yeah, that's what it looks like all right.

I'll give you back your robe.

Mmm.

Jake, don't jump to conclusions.

Use that fat head of yours for a change.

Later, I'll get to you later.

No, you get to her right now because I have to go.

See this?

Yeah.

It's a snake.

You see his fangs?

Yeah.

They're, uh... dripping blood.

See what it says underneath?

It says, "Don't tread on me."

That's words to live by.

You tread on me.

Jake! You...

You're really hard to get along with.

Hi, Marna?

You haven't left yet?

Do you know how late you are?

Not really.

I don't know how long I've been unconscious.

It's a long story. I'll explain it all to you later.

The last thing I remember is a...

a blue and red snake speeding towards my face.

A snake?

You were bit by a snake?

No, I was hit by a gorilla.

I'll be right over, okay?

I love you. Bye.

Go away.

Open up, I'm alone.

That's the way I want to keep it.

Open up, please.

It's all right, I promise.

Look, at the risk of sounding hokey,

we cannot go on meeting like this.

We cannot go on meeting at all.

I wanted to apologize.

I accept. Bye.

Jake feels awful bad.

Aww, did my jaw hurt his fist?

I explained everything to him,

and he just feels terrible about it.

He knows he made a fool of himself.

He's just sitting around the house and sulking.

You are making it sound like it's my fault.

You've got to admit, it did look suspicious.

What would you do if you caught him in your robe?

I would let him have it.

That's what he did.

No, I mean, I would let him have the robe.

See, I am man enough to admit I'm a total coward.

Freddie, would you do me a favor, please?

No.

Jake wants you to come over so he can apologize.

Let him come over here and apologize

from the other side of the door.

But he thinks you're mad at him.

He's wrong, I'm afraid of him.

Please, it'll make him feel a lot better.

Look, I don't want to make him feel bad,

but I got a big date tonight

and I'm already an hour late.

How long does it take to say I'm sorry?

All right.

Oh, thanks, that's big of you.

I'll see you later.

Where you going? To the store.

You mean I got to face him alone?

Don't worry, he's like a pussycat when he's drinking.

He's drinking?

He's drinking because of you.

He's eating his heart out with shame.

I think...

I think you better go

and accept his apology.

'Cause he's going to apologize,

even if he has to come looking for you.

Come in.

Hiya.

Oh, I can't look.

I'm too embarrassed!

I can't look at you in the face.

Sure you can.

Come on, try.

Well, at least I didn't mark up your face.

I usually cut them up pretty good.

I guess it's because I didn't use the hand

with the wolf ring on it.

I'm, uh, just lucky I guess.

Uh, Delilah, your wife, said you wanted to talk to me.

Yeah, sit down.

No, I can't.

I really got to go.

Sure.

I understand!

I don't blame you for hating me.

Come on, take a poke at me.

Come on, I'll feel a lot better.

Come on. I-I don't want to hit you.

All right, well, then yell at me.

Tell me off!

Call me a dirty name.

I know I deserve it.

No, I don't want to call you a dirty name.

All right, uh, I'm going to sit down

because we are neighbors.

You're a sweetheart of a guy.

Oh, I'm sorry,

I didn't mean to hit you so hard.

Yeah, it's all right.

Uh, it's just that your wolf ring gauged me.

I'm all right.

Hey, how about a drink, huh?

Yeah, yeah, I know. Uh...

Scotch, vodka?

No, nothing for me. What?

Oh, well, I'm afraid you'll have to settle

for whiskey, that's all I got.

That's fine. Okay.

Cheers.

You know...

I think I can tell you something

without it going any further.

You get to know a guy pretty good

when you punch him in the mouth.

Tell me what?

There's a good reason why I punched you in the mouth.

You wanted to get to know me better?

No, I wanted to knock your head off.

See, I...

I have reason to believe

that my wife is seeing another man.

Really?

Hey, how about another drink?

Hmm? No, no, uh, one is my limit.

Well, then I'll have one.

Down the hatch.

Look, uh...

how long have you suspected your wife?

With a girl named Delilah,

you suspect all the time.

Mostly, since we moved in here, uh, a couple of weeks.

What makes you suspicious?

She has a friend that's been getting sick a lot lately.

Well, that could be the truth.

Could be.

But lots of times the phone rings,

and when I answer it, they hang up on me.

Maybe it's the wrong number.

Could be.

But the clincher is she's been acting awful strange

towards me lately!

You mean, uh...

Yeah.

She's been warm and affectionate.

Why should she be warm and affectionate towards me, huh?

I'm an animal!

Maybe she loves you.

No.

No woman is that considerate unless they feel guilty.

On our honeymoon, she called me "slob."

Today, she calls me "sugar lips."

The honeymoon is over.

I think you're exaggerating things.

Could be.

Yeah. Boy, if I ever catch that guy,

I'm going to exaggerate his face all over the room!

You're getting upset over nothing.

Nothing?!

My wife cheating on me is nothing?

No, I-I don't mean nothing, not nothing.

Uh... see, Delilah, your wife,

is very attractive,

and it is normal for you to be jealous,

but jealousy can make you imagine things.

Yeah, you sound just like my wife.

Listen!

I know what I think I know.

Yeah, yeah, listen to me, will you?

See, I'm just saying that, uh,

that you're building something out of nothing.

You're getting upset, and you could be wrong.

Yeah? You sound like you're on my wife's side.

Maybe I made a mistake making friends with you.

No. I'm just saying that your suspicions

are based on nothing; you have no proof.

Proof? Yeah? I got plenty of proof.

What about that postcard from Pasadena

saying, "Wish you were here"?

And then there was that time when I found

that aftershave lotion on her bowling shoes.

And how about tonight?

Tonight!

She gets this bouquet of flowers

and this little itty-bitty note.

It says, "Though I saw you only yesterday,

"it seems like a million years.

Signed, Honey Bunny."

Now, do you see?

Do you see how wrong you are?

Because I bought those flowers.

Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, I brought them in...

Ooh.

That was before or after you took off those sissy red pants?

I, um... have to go now.

That's right, stretch pants.

You have to go.

Why does this man keep hitting you?

It's silly.

He thinks I'm messing around with his wife.

Why does he think that?

Oh, because he caught me in her apartment with my pants off.

Marna, don't scream at me in that tone of voice.

A man just doesn't beat you up twice for no reason!

Man? That is no man.

That is an animal.

He's got blood dripping with little fangs on...

♪ Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag ♪

♪ And smile and smile... ♪

Do me a favor... Get out of my life.

Jake locked me out.

Congratulations. He dragged me out.

Did you notice where my nose scuffed a groove in the carpet?

Where'd you get my flowers?

I found them laying at the end of the groove in the carpet.

Why are they so...?

I'm not sure.

I think he ground them up in my face.

I-I found chlorophyll stains on my teeth.

What happened?

Your husband beat me up again because he thinks we're lovers.

My girlfriend thinks we're messing around.

My piece of mind and my face is ruined.

Oh, just another day.

Well, what did you say to him?

I said, "Don't hit me."

I'm really sorry that happened.

Because I feel badly having to ask another favor of you.

Can I stay here till my husband gets home from work?

Sorry.

I just can't sleep in the streets.

Well, then sleep on the sidewalk.

That way, you won't have to worry about cars parking on you.

I don't blame you.

You did nothing to deserve this.

Good, I'm glad that you see it my way.

I did nothing to deserve it, either.

That's true.

No. No!

You cannot stay here.

Well, look, at least let me just call some friends.

I see nothing wrong in that.

Can I stay here till they pick me up?

Look, they'll be here in a few minutes.

My husband's at work, so you can't get in trouble.

All right.

We can't have you sleeping out on the street.

Aw, thank you.

You're so sweet and understanding.

Well, I don't want to take it out on you just because

your husband punched me in the face a couple of times.

There's the phone.

One more... tiny favor?

What?

A drink of water.

I'm dying of thirst.

Oh, yeah, sure. Sure.

Hello, Danny?

It's me.

Guess what?

Jake locked me out.

I can see you.

No, I don't have to come home tonight at all.

Ooh, it's too good to be true.

I guess we just live right, that's all.

Now, look, here's where I am.

I don't understand it.

Your husband wants to kill me,

my girlfriend thinks I've been messing around.

Why? What did I do wrong?

I'll tell you, 'cause you're such a nice guy.

The problem is you're such a nice guy.

What?

You tend to get involved.

But you screamed for help.

That wouldn't be your husband, would it?

He's supposed to be at work, but he's sneaky.

Who is it?

It's Marna.

A friend?

Uh, no, uh, uh, my girl.

Look, you've got to hide.

Hide? Yes, hide.

If she finds you here, she'll think that she knows

why I didn't go on that date tonight.

Come on, get in the bedroom.

No, no, no, not the bedroom.

If she finds you anyplace at all,

it's got to be someplace that looks innocent.

The closet.

Now, I am going to get her out of this room

and then you get out.

Okay.

Hi, Marna.

What are you doing here?

I'm such a fool for making those terrible accusations.

Oh, it's all right.

I was just mad and hurt

and, well, I... I was thinking only of myself.

Oh, it's all right.

Don't you give it another thought.

I'm a little person.

You've always been honest with me.

I had no right to doubt you this time,

even if your story didn't make any sense.

Believe me, it didn't make any sense to me either.

I'm going to tell you all about it la...

Oh, I've got this terrible headache.

Oh, is there anything I can do?

Yeah, would you mind very much getting me some water

and an aspirin?

It's on the night table in the bedroom.

Of course.

Oh.

This is it, get out.

That wouldn't be your husband's knock, would it?

How should I know? He always uses the door key.

I'm Danny.

Danny?

Delilah's boyfriend; she told me to meet her here.

Her boyfriend?

But she's got her husband, a monster with a ta... and...

Her boyfriend? Yeah.

Is she here?

Yeah, I'll get her for you,

not the way I'd like to get her for you but I'll get her.

Baby!

Honey.

What are you doing hiding in the closet?

I thought those days were over.

Oh, I'll explain to you later,

but let's get out of here.

Oh, you're going to laugh.

Enjoy yourself, it's on me.

Open up!

I know she's in there! Open up!

That's my husband, Jake.

I got to hide!

Me, too! Me, too!

Wait a second, not the front door.

Oh, thanks a lot, pal.

Where's the bedroom? Uh, it's in here.

No, no, no.

Open the door!

Delilah's in there; we can't be seen together.

Get in there!

Why do you have to hide anyway?

Jake would know something is up if he saw me here.

I'm his best friend.

Open that door or I'll break it down!

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Now, my friend, I've had about as much of you as I can take.

Now, you get away from that door

or I am going to call the cop...

You're a cop.

You are an officer of the law?

You bet your constitutional rights I am.

Where is she?

Wh-where is who?

You know who!

That who?

What makes you think she's in here?

It's her modus operandi.

You're making a terrible mistake.

That's her lipstick on this glass.

Where is she?

What's going on? I heard yelling.

Well, what's the police doing here, Freddie?

You... you... you have a girl in here.

Yes. Yes!

Yes, I have a girl in here.

That is my girlfriend.

She has been my girlfriend for six months.

Oh.

Well, I just assumed that Delilah was in here.

What's going on?

Well, this officer of the law is my next-door neighbor.

Man has this silly idea that I am messing around with his wife.

He even thinks that she is in here at this moment.

I assure you, there's no one here but us.

I'm sorry.

I guess the lipstick was yours on the glass.

What glass?

That glass.

I didn't have anything to drink here.

But the ice hasn't even melted yet.

She must have been here within the last couple of days.

So that's why you missed our date!

You had another girl up here!

Or is she still here?

There is no lover of mine in this apartment.

Where is she?

I want to see what she looks like!

I want to see what she's got that I don't.

Freddie!

Danny!

Oh, hi, Jake. How's things?

What are you doing here?

Uh, I just came over to take a look at this guy's raincoat.

I knew you were here somewhere.

Jake, don't jump to conclusions!

Just 'cause I happen to be hiding in Freddie's closet...

I want to know why you're harboring

a known wife in your closet.

Police brutality! Police brutality!

Get me a lawyer, a marriage counselor, somebody!

Okay, there's something going on here I don't understand,

but I'm going to get the answers,

and when I do, I'm gonna be back.

Let go of me!

You-you animal!

I'm not your slave.

No, you're my prisoner... You're under arrest.

Get out here!

I know you'll excuse me.

Phew.

Man, that was lucky.

I thought for sure he was going to whack me again.

With every bit of good, there's a little bad.

I hope you learned your lesson.

Never pre-judge anyone without the facts.

I won't, and I admit it.

I was as wrong as I could be.

You have to admit it, it looked bad.

Looked even worse to me, I knew I was innocent.

You really were a victim of circumstance.

Nothing worked out right for you.

Oh, yeah, one thing worked out very right.

What was that?

How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

100,

200, 300,

400, 500...

Well, I'm satisfied, Miss Hazelton.

As far as I'm concerned, you're it.

Right, Ben?

Oh, now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We've seen several girls.

Don't you think we better talk it over?

What's to talk over?

We've seen several girls, and Miss Hazelton is

way out in front.

I know, but, uh,

is that any reason to hire a secretary?

Well, thank you very much.

Um, I hope you decide soon though,

because I do have other offers.

Ben, she has other offers.

We've got to make up our mind right now.

Let's not make up our minds right now.

We'll see you in the morning, Miss Hazelton.

We'll call you in the morning.

That's right, to report to work and tell you what time,

fill out the forms. Good-bye, Miss Hazelton.

Good-bye. Good-bye.

Thanks again. Yeah.

Ben, you let her get away.

That girl is perfect.

Yeah, perfect for you, but not for me.

What do you mean?

What do I mean?

I mean, Casanova, that we're trying

to get a girl to work around the office,

not a live-in girlfriend for you.

Ben, Ben, I'm surprised at you, really surprised.

All right, all right, who do you suggest we hire?

Well, why not Shirley?

Your niece, Shirley?

Yes, why not?

She graduated from secretarial school,

tops of her class, she types,

she takes shorthand.

But she's ugly!

What do you mean "she's ugly"?

I'll tell you what I mean "she's ugly."

If a Peeping Tom looked in her window,

he'd pull down the shade.

Another thing, what is this,

a hiring hall for your relatives?

I'm not hiring your ugly niece, Shirley.

And I'm fed up,

to here. Well, all right, so am I.

I tell you what.

Why don't you buy me out? Remove my initial.

From now on, it can be "B" Sweater.

Why don't you buy me out?

From now on, it can be "F" Sweater.

That's a very good idea. I'll tell you what.

I'll pack, we'll go our separate ways.

We see each other on the street,

I'll wave to you, you wave to me.

That way we can remain friends.

Maybe I won't even wave at you.

That's all right with me.

I'll tell you one thing: partners we aren't.

Okay? Agreed? Agreed.

Uh, that is, unless, um...

"Unless" what?

Well, it's just a long shot,

but I was talking to my nephew yesterday.

Oy vay!

Another relative.

Yes, another relative.

I told him we weren't getting along good

and he said we should come to see him.

Which relative is this?

Paul.

Paul. Oh, that's the fella

with the long hair and the beads.

The marriage counselor.

Yeah, that's the way he makes his living.

If a couple is going to split, they go to see him.

"A couple"? What couple?

We're not even a pair.

Well, it's up to you.

Is a 20-year association

worth fighting for or not?

Come in, boys, come in.

Look, uh...

I don't know what I'm doing here.

I was talked into it.

I know this is a little unusual,

but you shouldn't feel uncomfortable.

We'll just talk as friends and see what happens.

Sit down, please.

Have a candy mint? No.

Uncle Ben? What for?

It sweetens the breath.

Look, no matter what happens,

I'm not going to kiss him.

Now please don't be embarrassed

because you're two men here.

You have a partnership.

It's on the verge of breaking up.

I'm in the business of healing wounded partnerships.

And it doesn't make any difference whether it's between

a man and a woman or between two men.

Yeah, but now that we're here,

what's going to happen, huh?

Well, this situation is a little new to me, too.

So I guess the best thing to do is ask the usual

questions I ask all my clients.

When did you two meet?

Well, you see, it was

a beautiful summer night and a soft summer wind was...

Oh, stop with the jokes, will you?

Stop with the jokes.

You're a regular Milton Berle.

Well, it bugs me being here, two grown men.

If we were two grown men,

we wouldn't be here in the first place.

Boys, boys, please, have a little faith in each other.

Now I've got to ask these questions in order to help.

What attracted you to each other?

Material things.

Aha, money. No, no, no,

material.

I had a warehouse full of chintz and velvet

and he had some machines.

And so we got together and we stayed together.

Not that I didn't have some very good offers.

What offers?

Oh, forget it. What do you mean?

Don't forget it. No, ask him to tell me.

I'd like to know, what offers?

Go on, Ben, this is the place to get it all out.

Well, as long as we're

putting all the cards on the table.

When we first started,

Sam Katz, a very big man in linens,

a giant, really, called me and wined me

and dined me, and begged me to leave Jerry

and go with him.

Well, he did.

Well, I'm sure he did.

He spoke to me.

He told me to leave you and go with him.

Now there's a guy that needs help.

A giant in linen, a pygmy in class.

You're doing very well, very well.

We are?

We are?

You're the guy who needs help.

Boys, you're getting to the gist of the problem here.

You've been holding back your emotions

about each other for so long,

keeping them deep down inside

where they're festering and seething in there.

I want them out, on the surface.

Now, I want you both to tell the other, honestly,

exactly what you think about each other.

Ben, you start.

Well, uh...

Go on.

Well, I really don't know how to start.

I've always felt that Jerry was kind of a...

Well, it's kind of hard to put in words

just exactly what I'm trying to say.

You're a dirty lecher and a lazy bum!

That's what you are.

And you're a fanatic about your family!

Boys, boys, boys, boys!

Please calm down.

Let's try to discuss this as rational human beings.

And let's talk about something else less physical.

Why, it's my turn to tell him off.

No, I think the problem goes back to the early days.

Somewhere in your background is the key

to your hostility towards each other.

And also the reason it's been

keeping you together all these years.

Now, Jerry, think back.

Just let your mind wander.

What's the one thing you wanted

and couldn't have?

My nurse.

Oh.

No, no, she was a very kind lady.

I liked her.

No, I... I loved her,

but it was this difference in our ages

that kept us apart.

She was 47 and I was five.

And, you know, two weeks ago I saw her on the street

and she's 87 now, and I still have this thing for her.

You're kidding.

Your nurse?

No, that's true.

I have this thing for women

and it all stems from that nurse.

Amazing.

Amazing the things you learn about people.

No, it's true, it's true, every word of it.

Very good, Jerry.

Ben?

A teddy bear?

Yeah, I had it since I was so high.

It was only a little small teddy bear,

but I loved it

better than anything else in the world.

Even better than my blanket.

Every night when I'd go to bed,

it used to sleep with me.

Go on.

And when I got older,

I loved the teddy bear even more.

Teddy Boo-Boo, I used to call him.

My parents didn't understand.

They were ashamed.

Big lug sleeping with a little teddy bear.

My father used to yell at me,

"Sleeping with that lousy, cockeyed bear."

He'd yell, you know, and I'd cry.

But Teddy Boo-Boo wasn't cockeyed.

He had one eye missing, that's all.

Please continue.

Oh, I can't.

It's too hard. It's too hard.

That's exactly why you should try.

Well, I...

I pleaded with my folks.

I... I even tried to make deals with them.

I gave up everything for that teddy bear.

I gave up my blanket, thumb sucking.

I even slept without the night-light on.

No use.

And then one... one day,

I came home and, uh...

Teddy Boo-Boo was gone.

And the next day, I found out that my father

had thrown him in the garbage.

What a way to go.

Now, now... that's all right.

Now, don't cry, no, no. Come here, come here.

Oh, no.

Don't cry, don't cry. I'll get you another one.

I'll tell you what, I'll get you a panda.

The biggest panda... an eight-foot tall panda.

No, no, you don't have to. No, no, no, I can get it.

I have a friend in the toy...

I'll get it for you wholesale.

We'll deduct it from the taxes.

We can deduct this from the taxes, can't we?

I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

It's a medical expense.

You see the condition the man is in.

Boys, this is excellent.

Very constructive.

You're closer now than you've ever been.

This is the perfect time to get into the immediate problem.

What is it?

Problems? What does it matter?

What does it matter? It matters

because it's a pending aggression

and we must deal with it now.

Well, okay, okay.

Here's the problem.

He wants to hire a sexy girl to work in our office.

And he wants to hire his niece.

Shirley?

See, even he thinks she's a dog.

Is that all you ever think of? Looks?

Well, if you've got to stare at her face all day,

it might as well be a pretty face.

Well, you better not look in a mirror.

Well, now Shirley's out and that's it.

Maybe you'd like to hire your 87-year-old nurse.

Well, she looks better right now

than Shirley did the day she was born.

Wait a minute, you can't talk about my flesh

and blood like that. Well, I'm not gonna have that...

Don't excite yourself. Oh, boy,

you had me fooled for a while.

For a while I thought you had some compassion.

That you had some understanding.

But no, no, you're the same old fake.

Here, take your handkerchief.

No, no, no, I wouldn't touch it.

You heard him! Him and his Teddy Boo-Boo.

Ready to ruin the business for a lousy,

cockeyed teddy bear!

Gentlemen, please.

No, I'm fed up! I'm fed up!

He can take his Teddy Boo-Boo

and his teddy bear

and his night-light and his security blanket

and his niece and his, uh...

Yes?

The ladies are here, Doctor.

What, what ladies?

Your wives.

I thought this important enough to consult them.

I'll send them in.

They're not fighting again?

Honestly, they're just like children.

I'm afraid it's serious, ladies.

That's why I asked you over.

All right, Jerry, what's it this time?

Well, you see, Bernice, it's a long, long...

Yeah, I'll tell you what it is.

We need a secretary,

and Jerry wants to hire this big...

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

We'll hire your niece.

That's the whole argument?

Over hiring some stupid secretary?

Shirley's not stupid.

She types 80 words a minute.

With her face, I wouldn't care if it was only 20.

Oh, dear, a young lady called you.

A Miss Hazelton.

She couldn't reach you at the office.

And she wanted you to be sure and know

that she couldn't take the job.

Some other proposition came through.

Uh, a proposition?

That's right.

She got the lead in some Swedish movie.

I'll bet she can't speak one word of Swedish.

I'm glad I married you, Webster.

But you are a little immature.

Well, all I need now is the Scotch.