Original subtitles

Garth!

After all these years we've been going steady,

you better have a good explanation.

Who is this woman?

My wife.

That is a pretty good explanation.

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

three separate views of love, American style:

The ins and outs of a new Hollywood marriage,

a doctor and a nurse who should have known better,

and our first story about a man, his wife,

his children and his girlfriend,

which we call:

Uh, should I tease it in back

or let it fall normally?

Just let it fall normally, Mary.

You might give me just a little more

height up here though.

Mm-hmm.

Hello.

Oh, Mr. Wilton?

Yes,

uh, this is my office, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Oh, good.

I thought for a minute I'd wandered

into the ladies room by mistake.

We're awfully sorry,

but we didn't think you'd be back

until this afternoon. Oh.

Yes, we thought the office was empty

so I was just doing Jeanine's hair.

Well, you, you did it very nicely.

Look, if you want, I'll go out to breakfast

and you can give her a wash and set.

I'm Mary Phelps, Mr. Wilton.

Hi.

Oh, and this is Jeanine Newall.

Hi, how are you?

Glad to know you.

Well, I guess I ought to be getting back to work.

Oh, oh, you're going

back to work?

That means you're my secretary?

Yes, that's right.

Disappointed? Oh, no.

No, of course not.

Then you must work for...

Mr. Maple.

Mr. Maple, right.

Well, uh, look.

When it's time for your next haircut,

I, I hope you make the appointment with us.

I will.

See you later.

Right.

Well, I...

see the rest of my stuff got here all right.

I'll probably spend the rest of the morning

getting settled, Mary.

Sure, and if there's anything I can do to help,

any question I can answer.

Well, yes, as a matter of fact,

there is one. Yes?

Uh, that Miss Newall,

is she married or engaged or anything?

I thought you were interested.

The way you looked at her.

Well, she is attractive.

Oh, of course she is.

But I, I'll give you a little piece

of advice, Mr. Wilton.

Forget it.

Oh.

She's going steady?

No.

She doesn't date men in the company?

No.

It's a religious thing?

She only goes out with men of her own faith?

No.

Well, then what the heck is it?

Oh, I...

No, come on, come on, tell me.

Well, you're single.

Single?

She feels that married men are safer.

Oh, I don't know if I should even be telling you this.

Of course you should tell me.

But I-I don't get it.

Jeanine doesn't want to get involved.

Every time she goes with a single man he wants to marry her

or get emotionally involved.

And she just doesn't want that.

Oh, I see.

She says

she's not ready to be tied down yet.

She wants to live a little.

So married men are safer?

Right.

Thank you, Mary, I, I understand.

Thank you, Mary.

Thank you very much.

Uh, Mary...

you've been very helpful. Thank you.

Good morning. Good morning, Mr. Wilton.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Uh, Mary, could you come in please and bring your pad?

Yes, sir.

Uh, take a memo to Mr. Crandal.

In regard to the requisition

that I...

Mary?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Wilton.

I was just looking at...

Uh, my family?

You're married?

Well, of course.

Eight or nine years.

Oh.

Uh... beautiful children.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, Steve and Bonnie.

They certainly do resemble you.

Especially your wife.

Oh, yeah, well, they say

that after you've been married a while you, uh,

you begin to look alike.

Oh.

Uh, what's the matter, Mary?

You seem a little upset.

Oh, uh, do I?

Well, I'm not.

It's just that...

What?

It's just that I didn't think you were married.

You didn't?

Why not?

Well, the grapevine,

it said you were single.

Oh, really?

Well, the grapevine was obviously wrong.

It may be fine for grapes but it's lousy for information.

And you weren't wearing a wedding ring or anything.

You are wearing a wedding ring.

Yeah, I had it down at the jewelers being made smaller.

I've been on this little diet lately.

Oh,

well,

it just goes to show how you can't believe...

The grapevine, right.

Well, uh, you wanted me

to take a memo to Mr. Crandal?

Oh, well, forget about that.

We'll, uh, we'll get it a little later.

I'll call you when I'm ready, Mary.

All right, Mr. Wilton.

Do you mind if I'm honest?

No, I insist on it.

All right. I dig you.

I really dig you. Oh.

Well, thank you very much.

And may I be honest with you?

I insist on it.

I dig you.

Great.

Great.

Do you realize

we've been together exactly 37 minutes

and already we've cut through

at least two weeks of preliminaries?

Well, honesty saves a lot of time.

As a matter of fact,

honesty is the quality that I admire the very most.

Well...

maybe I better be honest.

I haven't been totally honest with you.

Oh?

What do you mean?

This.

I'm a married man, Jan.

Oh.

I didn't lie to you.

I didn't say I wasn't.

It's just that,

well, I took the ring off before I came to lunch with you.

Mm-hmm.

Are you disappointed?

No.

Because I haven't been totally honest with you.

You see, uh...

I knew you were married.

You did?

Mary told me.

Well.

For two totally honest people

we've been snowing each other quite a bit.

I've even seen the pictures.

Really?

When you were out of the office this morning

I sneaked in and took a look.

Hmm.

You have a lovely family.

Yeah, I suppose it looks that way

from the pictures.

There's trouble?

Why don't you tell me?

Maybe it would help to talk about it.

I'm sure its a story you've heard many times before.

Oh, I didn't mean to imply...

Oh, no, I knew what you meant.

You meant that your marriage was just one of those things.

Exactly.

That's exactly the way it was.

Probably neither of you was ready to get married.

Exactly, exactly.

But, uh...

you've stayed together because of the children?

What insight...

unbelievable.

You don't love her

but you respect her as a person

and of course you wouldn't hurt her

for anything.

Wow.

Well, then of course there's the, the drinking,

the playing around,

the neglect,

the cruelty, complete irresponsibility.

All of that, too?

You've had it rough.

Look, this may seem sudden,

but what are you doing next Saturday?

Saturday?

Yeah.

Don't you spend the weekends with your children?

Oh, yes, of course, I always do.

It's just that my kids will be away this weekend.

My wife, too. On a cruise.

My friend has this boat, see.

And...

May I be honest with you?

My basic honesty again.

You'd rather not?

No, I'd rather.

I mean, I'm not busy on Saturday.

But I'd like to be.

Oh.

It's getting late.

Yeah, I guess we better get dressed.

Have some dinner someplace.

Ride back into town.

Of course we don't have to drive back

into town tonight.

I mean...

the hotel may have a vacancy.

A couple of vacancies,

two.

It's, it's nicer in the evening.

At night, too.

Oh, it must be.

Sea breeze.

Oh, there's nothing like a sea breeze at night.

A night sea breeze.

Nothing like it.

Did you enjoy your breakfast?

Yes, thank you. Good.

More coffee, Miss? No, thanks.

Sir? No, no thank you.

Zach. Uh-huh?

Something terrible has happened.

What?

I think I love you.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Jan, really?

Well, Jan, I've been in love with you

since the first moment I saw you.

Now I have to fall in love.

Now, with you.

Well, what's the matter?

It's so hopeless.

You're married with a family.

It's impossible.

Jan, nothing's impossible.

It's impossible.

Now I could never break up a family.

I just won't do that.

I am so stupid.

I just can't see you anymore.

Jan.

My makeup's running.

I'll be back. Jan.

Waiter!

Come here. Yes, sir.

Look, you have a Western Union Office

in this hotel, don't you? Oh, yes sir.

Good, good, good.

Look, I want to get a telegram.

You want to send a telegram.

No, I want to get a telegram.

From who? From me.

I don't get it. Look.

I want to get this telegram in about a minute.

Oh, you're kidding.

You can't send a telegram...

I don't want to send a telegram.

Look, I want you to get a blank,

type out this message on it,

put it in an envelope and bring it back to me.

Wouldn't it be easier

if I brought you back the napkin?

Look, don't think, just, just do it.

Here! Yes, sir.

I'll have this telegram back to you in one minute.

Good, good.

Feel better?

Yes. Good.

Zach, I decided to be brave.

Good girl, that's what I've decided to.

Well, at least we'll be able

to see each other at the office.

No.

You mean we can't even be friends?

I'm going to get another job.

I don't want to just see you

because I couldn't stand that.

Oh, come on, Jan, it's not that bad.

Sometimes things work out for the best

when you least expect it.

Really they do. Sir?

Here's your telegram.

Aren't you going to open it?

It might be important.

Oh!

What?

What is it? Oh, no.

Oh, Zach.

Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.

"Regret to inform you

"that Carefree sank last night with all aboard,

your wife and children included."

Oh.

Oh, Zach.

Horrible. Horrible.

But in a way it

sort of solves the thing between you and me.

Oh, Zach, that's heartless.

I'm sorry, the shock, I'm not myself.

Of course I understand.

Oh, oh, Zach.

Zach.

Oh, Jan, I'm so glad you're here.

Look.

That's your wife.

Oh, no, no, no,

there, there's a resemblance.

But... I recognize her.

I'm sure of it, that's her.

Oh, for goodness sakes, you're right.

She must have been washed ashore.

Too bad the kids didn't make it.

I better go say hello to her.

I'll tell her you're my secretary

and we're here on a convention.

Zach!

What are you doing in...

Listen, you're my wife.

The boat sank and I thought you were dead,

but you were washed ashore and the kids drowned.

You're my wife.

Zach, what...

Norma, uh, I'd like you to meet...

Uncle Zach!

Uncle Zach! Uncle Zach!

Well, look, the kids didn't drown.

Isn't that great?

Glad to see you.

They're not even wet.

Funny kids, they, they like to call me uncle.

I don't know what's going on here.

But I'm Norma Blake, Zach's sister.

Zach's sister.

His sister.

Right, Zach's sister.

Oh.

Well, I'm Jeanine Newall.

Zach's fiancée.

Why, Zach,

you're getting married?

I don't know, am I?

I think so.

I've always liked a safely married man.

Oh, this is a surprise.

Oh, it's not half the surprise we had

when we found out you were still alive.

Right, Zach?

Right.

I don't understand this whole thing.

Here, read this.

We'll explain it later.

♪ ♪

Mike.

Mike.

Mmm.

Come on, honey, look at me.

What time is it?

7:00.

It can't be, the alarm would be ringing.

See?

Okay, I'm looking at you, now what?

Hey, I've got a feeling

you've been up longer than me.

Now, if you'd have started that way

instead of with that alarm clock...

I did.

You just rolled over.

Oh, was that you?

Yeah.

Mike?

Hmm?

I want to talk.

How about some breakfast?

What do you say?

I love you.

No, you say please.

I say I love you.

How much?

Mmm, a lot.

No.

A lot with a house on it?

No, really.

How much do you love me?

Mmm, I don't know.

As much as you need.

That's how much.

I'll get breakfast.

Hey, what is it?

What's what?

I don't know, whatever's bugging you.

It's not bugging me, Mike.

It's just that I have something in my head

I have to work out, that's all.

Oh, I see.

Like what?

Like when I ask you how much you love me and you make jokes.

That's funny, and it's charming,

but I don't know what that means.

Hey, I told you.

It means as much love as you need.

Is that enough to get married?

Of course it is.

That's the plan, isn't it?

I don't mean in a year, Mike.

I mean right now. Now?

Hey, baby, we discussed all this.

We decided it was best to wait till I was through interning.

Then we'd have the big wedding, the honeymoon, the whole thing.

We'd do it right.

Now, wasn't that the plan?

Yep, that was the plan, but...

Yeah, but what?

Is a big wedding and a honeymoon that important to you?

Oh, honey, you know what's important.

I can't afford a wife right now.

I can't even afford a goldfish.

I'm working.

Mm-hmm, and you're making more money than I am.

That's no way to start a marriage.

That's an ego problem.

You might be right, but I'm stuck with it.

You've got all the answers.

No, I haven't either.

It's just that I've thought about it a lot.

Hey, what is this sudden urge to get married?

We're doing all right, aren't we?

Oh, sure, we're doing fine.

You come in here and you play house whenever you please,

and it's all fun and games with no responsibilities.

Hey, I'm sorry you feel that way.

Look, it's just that I want our marriage

to start out right and proper.

Oh, you want it right and proper, huh? Mm-hmm.

Okay, then from now on maybe you better sleep at your place,

and I'll sleep at mine.

Just until we're married.

Until it's right and proper.

Dessie, I don't understand...

Oh, Mike, I don't know how you're going to feel

by the time you finish interning.

Oh.

Oh, baby, that's your hang up.

Now, look, I know how I feel now,

I know how I'll feel tomorrow.

Now if you can't believe that, or won't believe it,

I guess I better go.

♪ Comes the morning light ♪

♪ To dim the tender words of night ♪

♪ And she reaches for his hand ♪

♪ She'd like to hear him say hello again ♪

♪ But the stranger speaks ♪

♪ Politely, but not really caring ♪

♪ Yes, a stranger speaks ♪

♪ But the thoughts inside he's not sharing ♪

♪ Oh, the morning light ♪

♪ Has washed away the tender night ♪

♪ And she takes away her hand ♪

♪ She knows now it was just a dream ♪

♪ A dream... ♪

How did you happen to come to me, Mrs...

Palmer. Mrs. Palmer.

I heard that...

What I mean is, is I got your address from a friend

of a friend of a nurse's friend.

But I don't understand.

You did say that the baby's father was Mr. Palmer.

Yes, but we've been divorced for two years now.

But you've obviously had some contact with him

during that time.

Well, he just won't let me alone.

He came by the house about a month ago,

and it was his birthday.

Naturally, I didn't have a present for him,

'cause I didn't even know it was his birthday.

And then one thing led to another,

and I sang "Happy Birthday" to him.

And I'm the one who ended up with the present.

Yes, well, uh...

Now, Mrs. Packard...

Parker!

Parker.

Oh, yes, Mrs. Parker.

Would you be offended if I told you that, uh,

I didn't believe one word of your story?

None of it?

I'm afraid not.

Well, unfortunately, Doctor, some of it's true.

I am pregnant.

Mm-hmm. And you're not married.

Can you help me, Doctor?

Well, the previous tenant here might have given you

the kind of help you're looking for.

But I'm happy to say he's no longer in the profession.

What am I going to do?

I hope you're going to let me give you a test or two

and then allow me to help you

through a smooth pregnancy.

I'd like to be your doctor, Mrs. Palmer-Parker.

I don't understand it, Ernie.

For a year now we've had a great thing going.

And all of a sudden, this morning,

it's just fun and games.

Just like that?

Just like that.

You sure you're doing the right thing?

I mean, principles are fine but, uh...

But what?

Hey, if she can't trust me for six months,

how's she going to trust me for the rest of our lives?

Hey, you swing pretty good.

Now suppose... Nah.

Mine's a different scene.

You and Dessie are in love.

I'm just practicing my bedside manner.

Here she comes.

Hiya. Hi, Dessie.

Hi, Ernie.

Hi, Mike.

Mind if I sit here, Henry?

Mind? I've been waiting six months for you to ask.

I've been waiting a whole year. Come on, forget about him.

Listen, I'll buy you lunch. What'll you have?

It's on you.

Well, you don't have to worry

about her getting back into circulation.

Looks that way.

Listen, Mike, I've got this little nurse in Maternity...

Forget it.

♪ ♪

Well, so what do you say?

Cocktails before?

I wonder if the patient would find it

quite so amusing, Miss Smith.

I suppose not, Doctor.

I'll wash it off right away.

Encouraging stunts like this and that silliness

with the microscope is not very responsible.

I didn't encourage him to...

If you want to make goo-goo eyes

with every available male in this hospital,

I suggest you do it on your own time.

Don't try to tell me how to live my life.

It's my life now.

Does that mean you have to make

a fool of yourself, Dessie?

Nurse Smith.

Dessie?

Are you okay?

I'm okay, Ernie.

Ah-ah.

You were saying you were okay.

Obviously you're not okay. I'm okay, Ernie.

It's just that I was a little bit upset. Upset?

Maybe a little bit dizzy. Oh?

Well, I'm sure there's nothing

to worry about, my dear.

Maybe you're just a little bit pregnant.

Bingo.

Bingo?

I was just kidding.

Dessie, how did it happen?

I mean, well, you're a nurse.

Ask Mike, he's a doctor.

Yeah, I guess it could happen.

I mean, dentists get cavities.

Ernie,

I want you to swear that you'll never tell Mike.

Look, even if nobody tells him,

isn't he bound to notice sooner or later?

Bingo.

Check fetal heartbeat. Checking doctor.

Give me a count.

Count normal.

Is the baby all right?

The baby is going to be just fine.

Suction, please.

More relaxation.

Another count, please.

Excuse me.

You're late. I know.

Deliveries always make me nervous.

Nervous or guilty, sir?

Oh...

This Dr. Le Bell, he's very good.

Yeah, uh, Mike, uh, as a friend,

there's something I want to tell you.

I was asked not to.

Okay, go ahead.

Well, Mike, there's a girl.

Ernie, with you there's always a girl.

Look at that technique.

Isn't that beautiful?

Mm-hmm, Mike, that's going to happen to you.

Mm-mm, I'll never be that good.

I wouldn't say that.

Hey, twins aren't easy.

No, I meant with your luck,

you and Dessie will probably have triplets.

Yeah. What?

Why didn't you tell me?

What are you doing here?

Why didn't you tell me?

That Ernie, boy, he sure has a big mouth.

Hey, I don't understand.

Why didn't you want me to know?

What difference would it make?

What difference would it make?

Oh, boy. I just happen to be the father.

That's my baby, too.

You don't make sense, Dessie.

Instead of all that talk this morning

about how much do I love you,

why didn't you just tell me then?

Mike, you... Where's the bed?

I took it back to Trudy's.

I'm cleaning house.

Oh, Dessie.

Hey, did you think I wouldn't marry you?

You want to marry me now?

Of course I do.

I mean, what do you think I'm here for?

I'll tell you what.

You pack a bag and we'll be in Vegas in the morning.

Mike.

I don't want you to marry me because you have to.

I don't need that.

Hey, come on, now, that's silly.

Hey, we were going to get married anyhow, weren't we?

The baby just changed the schedule.

Now there's no reason...

Mike, that is the reason.

Mike.

I'll always know why you married me and so will you.

And every time we fight, you'll throw it in my face.

I don't want us to live like that.

Oh, Dessie.

Now that's crazy.

No, that's true.

Mike, why?

Why couldn't you have said "yes" this morning?

Honey, if I had known about the baby this...

Yeah.

I think you better go now, Mike.

I'm tired.

All right, we'll talk tomorrow.

Good night, Dessie.

Wrong way. What?

You got it in the wrong way.

Sorry.

Let me take your pulse first.

And you better take the blood pressure.

Been seeing spots again.

Mm-hmm.

Listen, that head nurse makes me

turn the lights out at 8:00.

Talk to her about it, okay?

You said I could stay up till 9:00.

Mike.

I've got to talk to you.

I'll be right back.

I'll be here.

What's up, man?

Mike, Dessie didn't come in for work this morning.

So? So she's seeing a doctor.

It's her life.

No, Mike, not socially.

Now look, I got the address

for you from one of the girls.

Ernie, she's pregnant.

She should see a doctor.

Mike.

Hmm?

It's the wrong kind of doctor.

Thanks, Ernie.

I don't understand.

It's quite simple.

The rabbit's still alive and you're not pregnant.

However, you are suffering

from a slight case of anemia,

which explains the symptoms.

But with the proper care and rest...

You mean I'm not going to have a baby?

Well, I thought you might be a little happier.

Well, yes, I am, but it's just that I was

looking forward to having a baby.

Well, you can still do that.

Only now you and your young man can get married

under better circumstances.

That's over.

Well, then maybe you're just as well off.

Mike!

Well, I presume you're... Mike!

Don't you touch... Mike, let him alone! It's not what you think!

He's my doctor!

A real doctor!

Are you sure?

I wanted to have the baby.

What do you mean "wanted"?

I'm not pregnant, it was a mistake.

Oh, baby.

Leave me alone!

I don't think it's you.

She's just very disappointed.

You mean she wanted to have the baby?

Yes.

Did you really want to marry her?

Well, of course.

What difference does that make now?

She's not interested anymore.

The more I talk to her, the angrier she gets.

Doesn't make sense, does it?

No, it doesn't.

We had a good thing going, too.

And this came along and went all to pieces.

Well, maybe you can put the pieces back together again.

No, Doctor...

Harris. Hi.

Wouldn't be the same.

No, it wouldn't.

But even something different is better than nothing at all.

Okay.

What's to stop that from going to pieces?

I don't know.

Maybe the way you put it together.

Mike!

Okay, Mike, you can come out...

Mike?

Hi. Went to get some things.

Mike, what is all this?

Oh, I'm tired of being stupid.

I've been thinking about it all day long.

About the things that are important, and about...

Look, all I know is that I need and I want you.

Oh, Mike...

Not just because you were having my baby

or some cockamamie plan that I dreamed up, but...

I don't even know what I'm trying to say.

I can't find the words.

All I know is that I have a feeling,

and that feeling says,

I love you, lady.

I love you, too, Mike.

Good. Let's get married.

Okay.

And now that I'm not going to have the baby, we can...

Oh, no. No more waiting.

Whatever you say, Doctor.

Besides, any nurse that doesn't know

when she's pregnant needs a husband

to take care of her.

I figure what's the percentage in playing hard to get?

And once again, we're back at the fantastic Palomar Theater

on fabulous Hollywood Boulevard, where we're bringing you

our exciting television premiere coverage

of the opening of that fantastic $21 million production,

ladies and gentlemen, titled Pauper's Parade.

And this is Johnny Benson once again,

telling you that everybody

who is anybody in the business is here tonight.

It's just so exciting, I can hardly contain myself.

Let's see, you've already met Greg George and the Red Eleven.

They were terrific.

Coming up in a few minutes, Tab Tucker,

and, ladies and gentlemen, the entire cast

of that English intellectual folk rock musical

Encyclopedia Britannica, Baby,

and you know the wonderful vocal group from Hair...

The Dandruff... They're here, too, and I...

Wait a minute!

There's a big cheer out in the street.

Now, yes, of course, who else would it be for,

ladies and gentlemen, but the wonderful stars

of Pauper's Parade?

Here they come, Tana Wright and Chuck Fuller.

Tana, Chuck, would you come here for just a second, please?

Beautiful. Oh, look at these shoes.

Oh, Johnny. Oh!

Hey. Hey, Johnny.

Oh, it's so nice to see you again.

Oh!

Hey, guy, go, go, go, go, go.

Well, sir,

this is the big night, isn't it?

Yes, sir, Johnny, tonight is the big night, isn't it?

Oh, the absolute biggest.

Hey, what have you two guys been doing with yourselves?

Oh!

Do we tell him? Should we?

I vote yes.

Oh, all right, Johnny.

Yesterday,

I, um... Well, I just did a lot

of, you know, feminine type things.

Mm-hmm.

First, I had my hair restyled.

Looks great. Why, thank you.

And then there was the manicurist.

And then I had a pantsuit fitted, and...

Well, it started out like any other day for me.

I did a lot of man stuff, a lot of man stuff.

Hmm. First, I had the hair restyled.

It looks beautiful. And the manicurist.

Then I had a pantsuit fitted.

Oh, and then there was a mad, catered,

frantic luncheon with the press.

Mm-hmm. And then...

Then cocktails with the press over at the pub.

Then at about 7:00, there was a quiet moment,

and we just looked at each other,

and we said it at the same time.

Let's get married.

So what did you do?

We got married.

You're putting me on? Married?

To each other.

And-And now you're sharing the news

with all these wonderful folks right here on my show?

All those wonderful folks out there.

Oh, hello, wonderful folks.

Who I think deep down in their hearts, Johnny...

They wanted this for us.

Sure. Well, on behalf of the world, congratulations,

you crazy kids.

What do you say?

Let's hear it for the American dream come true.

Come on!

Wow. How about that?

Listen, uh, Tana, Chuck?

Yes?

To be serious for a minute,

are you sure this is, as we say, the real thing? Right.

Oh, Johnny, it's the real thing all right.

I mean, I never knew how real the real thing could be, really.

Seriously, Johnny, I...

I consider myself a very lucky guy.

Oh, Chuck.

I mean, if you can grab it when it comes along, grab it. Yeah.

Love is much more

than just a streetcar named desire.

No, no, it only passes your way once.

And that streetcar... That is named real love.

I see. So when it comes by, you, uh...

Grab it, grab it!

Somebody said that once.

Yeah. Boy, what a line... grab it.

How about that one, folks, huh?

Oh, I may be just a simple girl at heart, Johnny, but,

oh, I do love getting married.

Sure you do. Let's see now.

Chuck's your fifth husband, isn't he?

No, sixth.

I thought I was only number four.

No, six, pussycat.

Big, lucky number six.

Well, surprise, surprise.

Looks like Love Animal is one up on me.

Tana is only my fifth wife.

That's all right. You'll catch up.

Oh, no, no, no, this is it, Johnny.

This is it.

I mean, this is forever and a day time.

I tell you, Johnny,

we love each other so much, our teeth hurt.

In your case, that could be pretty painful.

Right.

Listen, you two never really knew each other

before Pauper's Parade, did you?

No, no. That's an interesting question, too, Johnny,

because you'd think that two people,

two stars of our magnitude,

would have collided a long time ago.

But no, no, Tana was just another spectacular girl.

And Chuck was just another pretty face.

Thank you, dear.

So yesterday, you tied the knot?

That's right. The what?

You got married.

Oh, right.

Right-o, right-o.

Tana, did you have any idea before yesterday,

any idea in the world,

that something like this might happen?

That this was going to be really it again?

Maybe.

I mean, I remember when I learned

that Chuck and I were gonna costar.

I was at a party with Milton, and, um...

Milton Manners, that's my fifth husband and business manager.

Oh, right, yeah. And a beautiful human being.

Oh... No, he really is, Johnny.

Oh, a doll. A real doll, real doll.

Terrific guy... what a shame, what a shame

that he passed away last year. He did?

Yeah. He did?

Oh, that's terrible. Oh, terrible.

Oh, boy, he was such a real doll, too. A real doll.

I'm really gonna miss him. Me, too.

He was a great little dancer, too. Oh, great, yes.

So anyway, it was an anniversary party, our third.

Uh-huh. We'd been married three months,

and I was telling the late Milty

how I felt about it. What did you say?

I said, "Milton, let's always be friends."

Oh, isn't that beautiful?

Of course, the moment I found out that Tana

was gonna be my next leading lady,

I simply went to my fourth wife, and I said,

"Well, should I tell it like it is?"

Wow, is that a way to put it, folks?

Your fourth wife?

Wasn't that Pamela Kelly?

No, Pam was my third wife, love bunny.

Yeah, but wasn't she the one who was once married to Harvey Parker?

Yes, passion fruit, one of her kids was a Parker.

Harvey was my first husband.

This is really the wildest!

You two are not only married, you're related.

That's beautiful, Johnny, beautiful.

Oh, Johnny! I hit one over the fence now and then, you know.

Well, listen, when you first

got together on the set that day,

did you know that it was love at first sight?

Oh... Oh...

They didn't have to write that love scene for us,

did they, honey? Uh-uh-uh.

Oh, we said it with our lips.

And you know how it is with lips.

Hey, I don't know about you folks,

but I'm close to tears.

Listen, Johnny, I'd like to make this very clear.

Uh-huh. That this, this is it.

Of course, it's no secret that my...

well, that my emotional life has been pretty...

trivial.

Don't forget, when I divorced my second wife...

My second wife was, uh...

Martha Marone.

Uh, no, it's Madeline Marone.

Oh, hey, hey, right, Madeline.

Martha was her sister... That was my first wife.

Chuck! Martha Marone was my mother.

She was?

I think so.

You mean you're not sure?

Well, I was born in boarding school.

No kidding. Mm-hmm.

Listen, Tana, Chuck, I-I know this is, you know,

a happily-ever-after occasion, you know, good luck, boom,

but do you two really know each other that well?

Ooh, intimately.

Now, wait a minute, we're on network television.

Oh, I mean, intellectually. Oh, okay, I see.

Well, like last night, Johnny, you know, our wedding night?

Well, we didn't want the lights, the crowds,

none of that big-name brouhaha, you know?

None of that show business jazz for us, right, cookie?

No, you bet your life.

No, for our own mental well-being,

we just wanted a simple setting,

where we could get to know us.

So we rented a room in the Hilton and watched television.

And you, uh, got to know each other?

Johnny, in just one night we found out

that we like exactly the same things.

Oh, yes, the Lennon Sisters and The Brady Bunch.

How about that!

You know why? Why?

Because we like kids.

Oh, yes! I even want a child of my own.

Sure... Tana, you have a child of your own.

I do? Yes, right here in my notes.

Peter, age 12, in military school since he was three.

Military school? Peter?

A son by your second husband, according to my notes.

Say, Johnny,

do I have any kids according to your notes?

Yeah, look under "F," Fuller.

My second husband.

Oh, that must have been Sir Basil Tine, the Spice King.

No, wait a minute.

He was my third husband.

No, you had it right, Sebastian was your second husband.

I was your third husband.

But I know I don't have a kid named Peter.

I mean, last week when they gave me the "Father of the Year" award,

I mean, they would've mentioned it if I had a kid named Peter, right?

Son of a gun.

Well, golly, Johnny, one man's poison...

Yeah, well, I can tell you one thing.

Things are gonna change from here on in, right? Right.

This little girl and I,

I tell you, we grew up together this week.

And look at it this way, anybody can make one mistake.

Or two.

Or three.

Or four?

Or five.

Tana Wright and Chuck Fuller,

ladies and gentlemen, in love at last.

How about it? Come on!

Hey-hey! Beautiful!

Listen, Tana, Chuck, break a leg in there tonight.

Thanks, Johnny. All the luck in the world. You betcha.

Wonderful to have you on our show. Wonderful to be with you.

See you later. So long, baby.

Good luck with your life.

Two fantastic people, I want to tell you, folks.

Chuck...

it is forever and ever this time, isn't it?

Of course it is, baby.

And we do love each other

more than we've ever loved before, don't we?

You bet your life we do, folks.

Chuck, we're not on camera anymore.

Oh.

Tell me again.

Why?

I think I'm scared.

Please tell me again.

I don't... I...

I don't know, I...

I think I love you.

I mean, it...

it could happen.

Couldn't it?

Maybe.

Maybe just once for both of us.

I'll try this time, if you will, Tana.

My real name's Amy.

Amy?

Yeah.

That's a lovely name.

Thanks.

My real name is...

Horace.

Horace Lawrence Gostin.

Mm.

Well, it isn't much.

But it is a start.

Darling, going out with you

certainly has its ups and downs.

♪ ♪