Original subtitles

I hear somebody coming.

And so an invoice for the last shipment of cosmetics

will follow under separate cover.

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

three separate views of love, American style:

A lovely teacher, her willing pupils

and a course in sex education,

a young couple who learn

where there's love, there's life.

And our first story

about the new morality on college campuses,

which we call "Love and the Coed Dorm."

P. Stark?

No, Stein, S.

I'm next door.

Ira Cook.

Glad to know you.

You just get here?

About five minutes ago.

Oh, then your roommate hasn't shown up yet.

Oh, I guess not.

Well, I'll tell you something.

When he comes, I'll trade you sight unseen.

Mine is a creep.

Hey, hey, what do you think about the girls?

I mean, did you see them all down in the lobby?

In the lobby? There were about six of them

got off the elevator with me right on this floor.

No! Are they going to live right here in the same floor with us?

I guess so.

It's a coed dorm.

You know, when it said coed dorms

in the catalog,

I didn't figure it was going to be like this,

I mean, with them running loose like this. Wow.

What did you think?

They'd be behind bars?

No.

But what, you know, I thought there would be

areas for them and areas for us, and you know,

like house mothers and regulations and maybe armed guards.

You've got to be kidding.

You're living in the past.

This is the new morality, man.

The sexual revolution. Where have you been?

In high school.

We only read about stuff like this in magazines.

You know, we're lucky to be living in this age.

Our fathers and grandfathers never had it like this.

And they're plenty sore about it, too.

Don't kid yourself.

They don't understand it too well.

You know, my mother drove me over here,

and she was really upset seeing all these girls.

Boy, I finally got her cooled down.

She was okay by the time she left.

Hello.

Hi, Mother.

Where you calling from?

The gas station?

Something wrong with the car?

Are you still worried about that?

See you later.

Mother, that just means they're in the same building.

There's doors and walls between us.

I'm used to seeing girls.

I've seen them since I was born.

Mom, they do not make me go berserk.

Ma, look, I have my own room, and they have theirs.

I'll probably hardly ever see them.

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi. Who are you?

Pat Stark.

P. Stark?

You're my roommate?

I guess so.

Ma, I've got to hang up now.

My roommate just came in.

I'll call you back in five minutes, okay?

Well, have them check the oil and water and let them look under the hood.

I'll talk to you in five minutes, all right?

Bye.

P. Stark?

Stein, S.?

I didn't know this is what they meant by coed dorms.

To tell you the truth, neither did I.

You sure there isn't some mistake?

No. See, here's my IBM card.

That's, that's right, you're in here.

I-I guess this is what

they mean by coed dorms.

Yeah, well...

Well, uh, if this is the way it is,

I suppose that this is the way it is.

Right.

We're roommates.

Right.

Oh, you want to unpack?

Put-put your stuff on this bed if you want.

I'll move my stuff off.

No, there's plenty of room; that's okay.

Here, let me help you with this. No, I can do it.

I-I got it.

You want me to get out while you put your stuff away?

No, not necessarily. Why?

I don't know, I just thought

you might like the privacy or something.

Listen, I don't think you ought to get hung up on the fact

that you're a guy, and I'm a girl,

I mean, if we're going to live together.

Yeah, yeah, that's right. You're right.

Oh, I put my stuff in that drawer,

but you can use it if you want.

No, no, you were here first.

Well, I... I know I was here first, but, uh,

I-I thought you were going to be another...

Listen, you're going to have to get over that.

Yeah, I... I guess so.

You're a person and I'm a person.

Yeah, th-that's right.

I just thought, uh... I just thought you were going to be a... a guy person.

Well, if the school doesn't figure

there's any difference, then we shouldn't neither.

Yeah, that's... th-that's right.

Lookit, as far as I'm concerned, there's no difference.

You're a person and I'm a person, and that's...

No-no difference at all.

Hello.

Yes, this is 238.

Yes, he is. Just a second.

For you.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Ma.

No, there isn't a girl in my room.

I mean, yeah, there's a girl in my room,

but she just came in to answer the phone.

Mother, you can't come back here at this hour of the night.

It was the maid.

They do, too, have maids at 10:00 at night.

Well, it's the first night of school,

and they want to be extra clean.

Mother, what are you so upset about?

How can I transfer to West Point?

You just have a suspicious mind, that's all.

All right, call me back later.

Yeah, fine.

Bye.

She, uh, she thinks I have a girl in my room.

Well, you have.

Well, yeah, I know, but not the way she thinks.

I mean, you're a roommate.

You're just a person. Uh-huh.

Hey, listen, if you don't mind, I'm awfully tired.

And as soon as I unpack, I'd like to get right to bed.

Oh, sure, that's fine.

We'll unpack and go right to bed.

I mean, we won't go to bed.

I mean, yeah, we'll go to bed,

but sleep bed.

I know what you mean, Stanley.

Thanks.

Hi, sorry to bother you.

Do you have any tissues?

No, I don't.

Say, Ira, do you mind?

I was just going to bed.

I'll talk to you tomorrow morning, okay?

Wh-What's the matter?

Nothing, nothing.

My roommate's here, in the bathroom.

So what?

I mean, has he got two heads or something?

I'd like to meet him.

This isn't exactly the right time to meet him.

Why not?

The bathroom is all yours, Stanley.

Oh.

Uh...

Ira, this is Pat Stark, my roommate.

Glad to meet you.

Say, my offer still goes if you want to switch roomies.

On second thought,

you might like Duncan;

he's not such a bad guy after all.

Go on, will you?

Ira? Come on.

Get out of here.

He has a guy for a roommate.

Some guys have guys.

Some girls have girls.

Yeah.

And some girls have guys.

It's all mixed up.

We're just persons.

You know, I think it's nice.

I mean, it's so right.

It just doesn't make any difference.

Yeah.

Well, should we hit the sack?

All right, I'll take the top.

Absolutely not.

I'll take the top, you take the bottom, I insist.

No, Stanley. If you take the top bunk and I take the bottom,

you're treating me like a girl.

Well, if I take the bottom, you're treating me like a girl.

That's even worse.

Okay, so how do we decide?

Well, we could flip.

Or, uh...

What's the matter?

I was just...

just had a funny thought.

Tell me.

Well, I was thinking, uh, we could wrestle for it.

No.

No.

No, there's only one way to decide this... we'll flip for it.

You pick. Heads or tails?

Tails.

Tails it is.

Your choice.

I'll take the top bunk.

Okay.

Good night, Stark.

Good night, Stein.

You know, I just had a funny thought.

What's that?

Well, I don't know,

but I was just wondering if... well,

if they have a reason for doing this.

I mean, throwing a guy in with a girl.

You don't think they expect us to, um...

Oh, no.

I don't think so. Do you?

No, not really.

But I just wondered what they had in mind.

Well, I think it's like what you said the first time.

We're not guys and girls.

We're just people.

I guess that's true.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Hello, anybody here?

Who are you?

Pete Stark. You're Stein?

Yeah.

Well, I'm your new roommate.

And you've got a girl in here.

Stark, uh, would you mind waiting

out in the hall for a second?

Please?

Oh, yeah, sure.

I guess this was all a mistake, hmm?

I guess so.

Well, I'd better, um,

find the room I'm supposed to be in.

Oh, no, you can't do that.

It's late, the offices are closed now.

Tell you what, you just stay right here, okay?

I'll sleep in the lobby tonight.

Oh, no, I can't let you do that.

And what about him?

Well, he can sleep in the lobby, too.

But why?

Well, because we were wrong.

We're not really persons.

You're a girl and I'm a guy and he's a guy.

I think.

The lobby?!

But I've got all this stuff.

My guitar!

Oh, it fits! It fits!

Good, we have it in powder blue and black.

$24.95.

But your company promised in their ads easy payments.

They are easy.

All you've got to do is send in the money.

You didn't do it.

Wait a minute, can't you?

I haven't had a chance to empty it out yet.

Okay, boys, get it out of here.

Well, can't you give me a little more time?

Everything is going to break for me any day now.

Oh, sure, sure.

That pencil, does it write under water?

How should I know? What am I, a fish?

I invented that.

Sure you did.

And I'm Henry Ford.

Well, I did! If I hadn't been hit by a car

on the way to the patent office, I'd be rich today.

Don't you see? I just need a little more time.

Oh, speaking of time, the clock goes, too.

Look, I'm expecting a big call today.

An outfit is backing my leather boots for the masses.

What's that?

What's that?

I'll show you.

See, if you wear black shoes

with these, it looks like you're wearing a fancy pair of boots.

What do you think of that?

Look, fella. There's a fortune in these babies.

Have you thought about a nice 8:00 to 5:00 job?

It ain't that bad.

Lots of people do it.

The world is full of people like you.

Yeah, I'm the masses; you're staying up nights to please.

I'm an inventor!

Listen, I'll level with you.

My wife's all the time telling me I'm ugly enough

to make it big in TV commercials.

But I got more sense.

I got a steady job.

That's it.

I told you they'd call.

Hold up, boys.

Hello?

Yes, this is Arnold Dickerson.

Oh, sure.

Yeah, I understand.

Bye.

Well?

That was the phone company; they're going to disconnect

my phone.

Hello.

Hello?

Hello.

I'm going to kill myself.

You what?

Didn't you hear me?

I said I'm going to kill myself.

Why else do you think I called?

What number did you want?

I dialed SUICIDE.

S-U-E-C-I-D-E.

The radio here in Detroit said

I could dial it any time of the day.

I think you have the wrong spelling.

You see, suicide is spelled S-U-I...

It is? I never could spell.

I could never do anything right.

I'm sorry to bother you.

Wait a minute! Don't hang up.

Well, what's the use?

Even if I spelled suicide right, I'd probably get a busy signal.

I'm always getting busy signals.

Why don't you talk to me?

I've got plenty of time.

Who are you?

Well, I'm just a guy

who doesn't want you to do anything foolish.

Well, what's so foolish about killing yourself?

I mean, life is for the birds.

I think that's a little bit

of an oversimplification, don't you?

Well, what's so great about it?

Life can be lots of fun, you know.

You just have to know how to enjoy it.

Do you enjoy it?

Me? Sure.

Life's a ball.

Hey, you can't take my bed!

What am I going to sleep on?

You're one of the lucky ones.

Who?

Oh, sure.

This is your operator speaking.

What do you want?

Please complete your call.

We are discontinuing your service.

This is a recording.

Who was that?

Quick, gi-give me your address.

834 North Holloway, Apartment D. But why?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?!

Hello?

Oh...!

"Dear Lyle.

"Don't cry for me. I'm not worth crying for.

While it lasted, I enjoyed the feeling of being your fiancée."

F-E-E-O-N-S-A-Y.

F-I-A-N-C-E-E.

"I hope this finds you in good health.

Posthumously yours..."

Post... P-O-S-T-U...

H.

"humously, yours.

By the time you get this, I will be deceased."

D...

Oh. "Dead.

Love, Maggie."

Lyle?

It's Arnold.

Arnold Dickerson.

Who?

You know, S-U-E-C-I-D-E.

That's S-U-I.

I'm S-U-E, remember?

Oh.

My goodness, you got here quick.

What did you do, run all the way?

Well, it's too late.

It's too late?

What can you say to me?

Nothing at the moment. Exactly.

There's nothing anyone could say.

Oh, Lyle just won't believe that I love him.

He, he's too insecure to think anybody will love him,

and it's just my rotten luck to fall in love with him.

Oh, it's hopeless.

I'll probably never get married.

I'll just spend the rest of my life

watching the old movies on TV.

Well, now wait. I think we should talk this over.

There's nothing to talk over.

It's hopeless.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Lyle.

Well, suit yourself.

He loves me!

That was Lyle! He said he still loves me.

He had a change of heart,

and he said that he's not going to be

insecure in our relationship anymore.

♪ And... ♪

that he knows I love him,

and he's never going to doubt me again!

He said all that?

Well, not exactly.

He said he was coming down to talk it over.

Oh, you've got to get out of here.

He's coming down?

Well, yes, he just lives two flights up.

Are you okay? Oh, I'm fine.

Thank you very much. Good-bye.

Just a second, Lyle.

Maggie, what's going on in there?

Just a minute.

Just a second.

Just a minute.

What took you so long?

Hi, Lyle.

I didn't think I'd see you again.

Why, I said I was coming right down?

I meant after our last flare up.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry about that.

I don't mind telling you I've been doing

a lot of thinking these past days.

Oh, really?

I didn't give it a second thought.

I considered it, um, just one of those things.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, now, Lyle, don't get insecure.

You don't love me anymore? Yes, of course, I love you.

Then what did you mean it's "just one

of those things"? For Pete's sake, Lyle,

don't you understand women at all?

Well, I just came down to tell you that

I wasn't going to be insecure anymore.

And then all of a sudden, you hit me with it was

"just one of those things." Oh!

I give up.

Maybe it was "just one of those things." Oh.

That's my uncle's.

I don't believe you, Maggie.

I think whoever this is is still here. Oh, no.

And that's what took you so long to answer the door.

Search the place, why don't you?

Oh... he got out in time.

Well, I'm getting out in time, too.

Oh, yes. It's my uncle's.

He left it here yesterday.

Oh!

Lyle?

It's me, Arnold. I forgot my coat.

Oh, yeah. Your coat.

You and your lousy coat!

Is he still here?

No, he's not still here!

Oh, well, I'll just, I'll just get it and go.

You and your lousy coat!

Well, you said that.

Because of that lousy coat,

he's left for good this time.

I'm sorry.

Well, what did you butt in to my life for

in the first place?

Now you just ruined everything.

I'm sorry. Oh, what's the use?

What's the cotton-picking use?

Uh, are you, are you feeling suicidal again?

What can I say? I'm sorry.

Well, you know what they say,

"Everything turns out for the best."

You know how they say that.

What do they know?

Don't listen to me.

Nothing but nothing ever turned out right for me

my entire life.

You're absolutely right.

If I hadn't butted in to your life, you could be dead by now.

Better than that, back with what's his name.

What's the matter with you?

Was it something I said?

You're looking at a card-carrying loser

from way back.

Oh, you shouldn't talk like that.

You should be ashamed to talk like that.

Listen, when you called, they were moving the furniture

out of my apartment.

I've got a flat full of useless inventions and a dead phone.

Well, that's too bad, but, you know,

like they say, tomorrow is another day.

You're right, what do they know?

Have you ever wondered what it's all about?

You know, I've toyed with the idea

of jumping off a building from time to time,

but I never did.

Why not? Are you kidding?

Me jump off a building alone?

I'll do it with you.

You would?

Sure. What have I got to lose?

I don't know what to say.

I won't forget it.

They say everything is more enjoyable

when you do it with someone.

I think they're right that time.

How tall is this building?

There are six floors, if you don't count the main floor.

If you count the basement as one, there are eight.

And including the roof, it's nine floors.

If the building isn't high enough, you know,

we'd have to do a lot of explaining to the police.

It's against the law to jump off buildings.

I'll chance it.

I'm gonna go change. What for?

I can't jump in this old thing.

You were gonna hang yourself in it.

Well, yeah, but this is my home.

When you jump, you're out in public.

Besides, I have got the most gorgeous outfit

I've been dying to wear.

Hey, there's a tall building across the street.

It must be over ten stories.

I can't hear you.

Aw, forget it... 13 stories, bad luck.

Hurry up, will you?

We may not feel like doing it later on.

Would you please hook me up?

Yeah, it sure is sexy.

Oh, thank you.

What is it?

Well, it's a jumper.

I could laugh at that, but I don't want to break the mood we're in.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be funny.

It just happened.

But it is a jumper.

Strangely enough.

Now, don't you start laughing.

Who's laughing?

Uh, it's me. Can I come in?

I was just thinking, you know,

about what you said about the coat

belonging to your uncle, and I...

Hi.

Are you gonna tell me that's your uncle?

No, Lyle, this is just one of those things I was referring to.

Satisfied?

You lied to me.

How many other times have you lied to me?

Please, Lyle, we were just on our way out. Oh, wait, wait!

Uh, where do you think you're going dressed in th-that outfit?

To the roof to jump off.

Liar! You're nothing but a little liar!

Wait a minute, don't you call this little lady a little liar.

You stay out of this, Uncle.

You stay out of it.

Oh! Oh!

Blood! Did you see what he...

You've, you've got me bleeding.

It's... I don't know what's the matter with you people.

It's my own blood.

Ready?

If you are.

Uh, should we leave a note?

I'm tired of writing notes.

Let 'em guess!

It looks plenty high enough for a successful touchdown.

Look... what do you think?

Did you see me hit him? Do you see how he ran?

How many times are you gonna ask that?

Yes, I saw you... you were great. Now, let's jump.

I'm not a violent man, I don't believe in violence,

but I feel kind of wonderful

right now. Are you chickening out?

I don't know what this feeling is.

It's like I could do anything and succeed.

Okay, let's see you jump.

I don't want to.

Well, I do.

I tried twice today, and by George,

I'm gonna kill myself if it's the last thing I do.

Maybe this is what... what winning feels like.

Don't ask me.

When I hit Lyle, it was like I was saying,

"Look at me, I'm a winner!"

Well, nothing's changed for me.

Oh, I wish that you could hit Lyle just once.

It might change your whole outlook on life.

You know, I'd sure hate to see you change your mind.

Well, you do understand, though, don't you? Well, sure I do. Sure.

Listen, would you mind doing me one last favor?

No. I mean, just to kind of get me started,

would you give me a little shove?

No, I won't.

Please? Don't jump, Maggie.

Please don't jump.

Well, why not?

Well, because...

well, I... I want to kiss you good-bye.

What for? Well, I just want to kiss you.

Do I have to have a reason? Okay?

Well, I guess it's okay, but...

we hardly know each other.

I-I could never do that ordinarily.

Whew! That's a good-bye kiss?

Well, I wanted to do it an hour ago,

I just didn't have the nerve.

Oh.

Gee, that's nice.

I'm sorry, what was your name again?

Arnold. Arnold Dickerson.

Arnold.

Well, good-bye, Arnold.

Can I kiss you good-bye this time?

Well, I guess.

Ah...

I didn't know kissing good-bye could be so nice.

Well, I don't think they were entirely good-bye kisses.

I mean, they... they weren't entirely for me.

You know that feeling you were telling me about before,

where you feel you can do anything and succeed?

Sounds beautiful. I know... that's how I feel.

You know what?

In an hour and a half, on the early show,

is the very first Thin Man movie, mm-hmm,

with William Powell and Myrna Loy.

Did you ever see that one? No.

Oh, you got to see it!

Oh, come on.

Let me go first.

Careful.

Oh. Oh. Oh!

Oh, my goodness, aren't you strong.

Honey...

black is beautiful,

but this is ridiculous.

You know, you are beautiful.

You are exquisite.

Oh, you say the sweetest things.

Hey, come on, will ya?

You moved.

Look, I'm paying you good money

to sit there and not move, and you move!

I'm sorry, Artie, but you know how it is

sitting in one spot for hours without breathing.

You develop a nervous twitch.

Okay, take a breath.

Don't look, now.

I would not look except in the line of duty

to further my art.

Thanks. I sat still for so long,

rigor mortis was setting in.

I'm sorry.

I guess I do get a little involved.

You're so dedicated.

And so brilliant.

But all work and no play makes Artie a dull artist.

You know, when I paint you, you're just a model,

but when I kiss you, you're almost human.

I bet you say that to all your models.

Now, would I say that to anyone but you?

Artie, have you ever thought about getting married again?

Now, look, it's too soon to start talking about that.

Oh, but your wife ran off

with that cartoonist nine years ago.

You can't stay bitter forever.

Bitter? Who's bitter?

Am I bitter? Do I look bitter?

The two of them deserve each other

as far as I'm concerned.

They both thought Terry and the Pirates was avant-garde.

You've suffered long enough.

You can't go on just painting naked girls and pining away.

You must think of yourself.

Marsha, oh, Marsha, you make me think of myself.

Dad, are you home? Hey, it's my son!

Quick, take off your clothes... he'll catch us!

What?

He knows I only paint nudes.

If he finds you in here all dressed,

he'll think we're up to something.

Give me a break. Hey, that's good, that's great, that's good.

Tell him you're on a break.

Dad?

H-Hi, son.

Oh. Aren't you working today?

Well, we're, we're on a break.

Well, uh, aren't you gonna say hello to Miss Simmons here?

Hi, Miss Simmons.

Gee, I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.

Dad, can I talk to you a minute?

Sure, son. What is it?

Well, I got my report card today,

and I got straight A's.

Oh, that's good.

Except for one subject.

Oh, that's not so good. How bad?

I flunked. Well, that's not

the end of the world.

I mean, everybody has at least one thing they're bad at.

You mean you're not mad?

No. I mean, I'm sorry you flunked a class,

but I'm not mad.

What class was it? Sex education.

Sex edu...

You flunked...

My kid flunked sex education!

My kid.

Well, like you said, Artie, it's only one class.

That's not a class, that's a whole way of life.

You are mad.

Look, David, I mean, you have to admit,

I've always been honest with you about sex, right?

Haven't I? Right?

I mean, not all that birds-and-the-bees jazz,

I just gave it to you straight.

I'm sorry.

I-I-I didn't explain it in big words, either, right?

I mean, I just explained it in common, ordinary language,

'cause I wanted you to get it right.

I didn't want you to have any hang-ups.

I don't have any hang-ups, honest.

Well, he's only ten... How many hang-ups can he have?

None, because I taught him not to have any.

So it's got to be the teacher that's got the hang-ups.

What kind of a person is he?

He's a woman.

Oh, boy, he has got hang-ups.

Artie, I think he meant she's a woman.

Yeah, he's a she.

She wears dresses.

Well, whatever she is, there's something wrong with her

if she flunked my kid.

I think I'd better have a little talk with her.

Aw, Dad. Look, I'm not gonna humiliate you.

I mean, I just want to have a nice, quiet talk

and find out what's wrong with her.

You won't yell at her? No, I won't yell at her.

Now, go on out and play, will you? Okay.

Oh, and, David, I just got my new copy of Fun Girl,

if you want to look it over.

I know it's not much, but it beats Dick and Jane.

Uh, excuse me.

Are you Miss Busby?

Yes.

Well, I'm Arthur Kaufmann, David's father.

You can call me Artie.

Pleased to meet you. Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

This is a little small for me.

I suppose you want to talk to me because I failed David.

Th-That's right; there must be some mistake.

I'm sorry, there's no mistake.

I gave David the grade he deserved.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

I taught David everything I know.

Maybe that's why he failed.

Look, I res...

You told me to sit in this thing on purpose. Oh, may I help?

I didn't, I really didn't mean to make you mad.

I was just, um...

trying to tell you the facts.

Well, I wish you'd explain the facts, if you know any.

I knew you'd come here.

Well, all fathers stop by when their sons flunk sex education.

When the girl fails, somehow they're happy.

They seem to think it makes their girl seem more virtuous.

Oh, now, look, I really don't think I'm like most fathers.

I certainly didn't want David learning about sex

from little boys in the street.

Oh? And where did you learn?

From little girls in the street.

Mr. Kaufmann, have you ever had a class in sex education?

Oh, now look, experience is the best teacher.

For you, maybe,

but David doesn't know his gluteus maximus

from his elbow.

Huh?

Well, now... look.

You just look at this last test that David took.

Now, as you can readily see,

he doesn't know the names

for the various parts of the body indicated.

Well, at least not the scientific ones.

This picture is obscene.

Obscene?

This is a cross section of the human

to show his internal organs.

That's what I mean.

It looks like the poor guy

was in some kind of a terrible wreck.

It's obscene.

I suppose you'd like to see it with all its clothes on?

No, but I'd like to see it with all its flesh on.

Mr. Kaufmann, sex education does not deal with the flesh.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I guess it's just a bad habit of my profession.

See, every time I see a beautiful woman like yourself,

I guess I just instinctively picture her as my model.

Model?

But you only paint nudes.

Yeah. I see you've heard of me.

Yes, I've heard of you.

Of you and your work.

You know, the way you carved

David's jack-o'-lantern last Halloween is all over school.

It's disgraceful.

Oh. That was just a little joke.

I'm not a pumpkin carver; I'm a painter.

And I'd certainly like to paint you sometime.

Mr. Kaufmann.

Please, call me Artie, and I'll call you Mary.

I'll do no such thing. Mnh-mnh.

Yeah, you're certainly better than a pumpkin,

from any angle.

Mr. Kaufmann,

I'm not that kind of sex education teacher.

Look, I'm speaking as an artist.

Some of my nudes are hanging

in the Chicago Museum of Science and Industry.

You won't find me hanging around nude

in the Chicago Museum of Science and Industry.

Mnh-mnh. Look, Mary...

Miss Busby.

Now, you know, it's becoming very clear to me

why David is having trouble in this class.

It's you... you're a lecherous old man.

You know, I think you're right.

And furthermore...

I am?

I-I mean, you... you agree?

Oh, I don't mean I'm a lech.

It's true, I've seen a lot of women in my day

because of my profession, but...

what do I really know?

I mean, seeing is not knowing.

I'm so glad you agree with me.

You know, most men usually can't accept

that they don't know all there is to know.

Oh, no. I know I don't know.

And poor David is the one that suffers.

Raising a child without a mother is hard.

I've failed him.

But you did try.

Most parents are afraid to do that much.

Mary... Miss Busby.

Could I ask a great favor of you?

I will not pose nude.

No, it's nothing like that.

This is for David.

What?

Well, it's a lot to ask, I know,

but could you give me a few pointers,

you know, something I could pass on to my son?

I, uh, I...

Well, you know, just some little thing,

anything that would help David in his adult life

to have a happier life, a more normal one than mine.

Well, I suppose I could show you some slides, but when?

Well, anytime. Right now.

I'm, I'm, I'm sorry, but the slide projector

is being used now by the P.E. coach.

The proper and improper ways to serve a volleyball.

Doesn't this school have any priorities?

What's more important... Sex or volleyball?

I agree, but...

Look, all I need is an hour of your time.

Couldn't I come over to your place sometime?

Maybe tonight.

No, no. My roommate's cooking dinner for her boyfriend.

Well, maybe you could come over to my place.

Look, all I want is an hour.

Please, just, just teach me the basics, for David's sake.

Mm, I don't know.

I know.

Why should you teach me what you teach every ten-year-old?

I know, it's too much to ask.

Well, for David's sake...

Great, I'll get rid of David.

I'll send him over to his grandmother's,

and I'll expect you about 7:00.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Now, are you interested in sex or in fooling around?

Fooling around?

Fooling around?

What kind of a person do you think I am?

No. I'm interested in sex.

Okay.

And this, of course, is the bee completing

the pollination process by conveying the pollen

from the anther to the stigma of the flower,

in this case a bougainvillea.

Does this bore you, Mr. Kaufmann?

Well, let me put it this way.

I'm a little less enthusiastic than the "bogainvil-lea,"

and it just got pollinated.

"Bougainvill-ea."

Bougainvillea, "bogainvillea."

Look, I've really had it with the bees.

Before we graduate to the birds,

why don't we take a break and have a nice, little drink, huh?

I don't drink anymore, not since I found about cyclamates, mnh-mnh.

Cyclamates?

Look, this is not diet champagne.

Champagne? Well, I don't think...

Well, may-maybe this one.

That's more like it.

Do you have a problem with women?

Do I have a problem with...?

I beg your pardon.

Well, all you paint is nudes.

Well, I think nudes are beautiful.

I agree.

But there are all sorts of things that are beautiful.

Goya painted many beautiful pictures of women

with their clothes on.

Yeah, but Renoir painted nudes.

And let me tell you the difference.

In Renoir's paintings, the girls are all smiling.

That may be your interpretation,

but it seems to be me you like to view women

in the baser sense.

Baser...

Now, look, before I start yelling,

would you mind explaining to me what you mean by that?

Well, I have a feeling that you think women, and therefore sex,

is something dirty and lewd.

Dirty and...?

Me?

But it's not.

It's a private thing between a man and a woman.

It's beautiful. Gift between two people.

Clean and lovely.

Well, now, I'm glad we finally agree on something.

Get your dirty mouth off me.

Dirty...?

I was being clean and lovely.

I-I-I was being tender and intimate.

I wasn't even being all that intimate.

Just because I'm a sex education teacher

doesn't mean that I give audio-visual aids.

I draw the line at slides, buster.

Buster? Where are you getting the buster stuff.

What did I do?

I was just waiting for that.

I knew you were going to do it.

Do what? A kiss on the cheek w-w-with no hands?

You showed your true colors.

True...?

Well, you showed your true colors.

You're a hypocrite.

What? A hypocrite.

You come on like a big deal sex education teacher,

and you know a lot of technical terms like "bee" and "flower,"

but you don't know anything about romance.

I know all about your kind of romance.

You mean you read about it in "True Confessions."

I bet when you go home tonight you're going to enter all this

in your diary, right? Har-har!

You dirty old man. Old man?

I didn't do anything that would offend any normal girl.

What's more, I'll bet you're a peeping Tom.

You couldn't pay me to peep in your window!

Hey, Marsha, you might as well take a break.

In fact, you can knock off for the rest of the day.

I'm just not with it.

What's the matter, baby? I don't know.

It's no big thing.

I don't even know why it bothers me at all.

Oh... I know what'll cheer my daddy up.

Dad, are you home?

Oh, should I take my clothes off?

Oh, don't bother.

Oh, you are upset.

You're not even thinking about your own son anymore.

Look, he's got to learn sometime, sooner or later,

that women, uh, wear clothes.

I mean, he's going to find out eventually.

Hey, Dad?

Oh.

Didn't know you were busy.

That's all right, son.

We're through, we're finished.

Hi, Miss Simmons.

I recognized you.

Clothes didn't throw me this time.

You're a fast learner, David.

Dad, I got something very important to talk to you about.

In private.

Oh, I can take a hint.

I'll go out on the patio and take a sunbath for a while.

Watch out for the guy next door.

He's got binoculars.

So what?

It'll bother him more than it will me.

Now, what's on your mind, son?

Well, you had a big fight

with Miss Busby last night, didn't you?

Now, how did you know that?

'Cause she asked me if it was all right to pick up

the slide projector she left here last night.

I guess the P.E. coach got mad, because the volleyball team

was supposed to learn how to spike the ball today.

Well, sure, take it to her, will you?

She's right outside.

She is? Yeah.

I'm not sure, but I think she came over

so she could yell at you some more.

W-Well, why didn't you ask her in?

Dad, what'd you do so wrong that she has to yell at you twice?

That's between us.

You run out and play, will you?

Okay.

You can go in now, Miss Busby.

Hi.

Hi.

I uh...

Well, I guess David told you why I'm here.

Yeah.

Yeah, your stuff is over there.

Your, your equipment there.

I packed it up for you.

That was very nice of you.

Oh, I didn't mind.

I didn't have anything else to do, and...

I had to do something.

I-I didn't seem to be able to get much sleep last night.

I graded papers all night myself.

Why couldn't you sleep?

Well, I... I don't know.

I... I just...

Well, I couldn't sleep, be-because you're all wet.

Well, what does that mean?

You said that I paint nudes

because I like to look at naked women.

That's not right.

I paint nudes, because that's...

It happens to be what I do best.

Sure, because you're so used to looking at naked women.

All right. Okay!

Why don't you just get out of my life,

so I can get some sleep at night?

Okay, done.

Look, wait a minute... Not so fast.

I want you to see something.

No, thank you very much; I've seen quite enough.

It'll only take a minute. Please?

A simple old bee.

Whatever made you do a strange thing like this?

It's not strange.

He's naked.

What does it mean?

Well, it... it means,

it just means I wanted to show you

I could paint something different,

something you might like.

I know.

I couldn't sleep last night, because I kept thinking

about everything you said to me.

I know all about the book side of love,

but you were right.

I don't know the practical side of it, the romantic side.

Not until now with this painting.

You think my painting is romantic?

Boy, you do have a lot to learn.

I can't think of anyone else I'd like to learn it from.

You really mean that?

Do you really like me?

Yeah.

I never made a naked bee for any other girl.

Then I really mean it.

We're like a couple of exchange students.

You show me the books, and I'll show you the ropes.

The books say knowledge is the birth of life.

Boy, I've never been so insulted in my whole life.

Well, you don't have to be... This isn't business.

Oh, do you know the man next door with the binoculars?

The one who I thought was just a nice old peeping Tom?

It turns out he's nothing but a dirty old art collector.

How do you know?

Well, he insulted me; that's how I know.

He came over and asked me how much you'd sell the painting

of the bee for.

He was looking at your bee

through his binoculars,

while I was lying there stark naked!

Oh, boy, is that an insult.

I'm going to put on my clothes and go home!

This probably isn't any of my business, but who is she?

I think she's the last in a long line of nudes.

You love football more than you love me.

Yeah, but I love you more than I love baseball.

Let's take a shower together.

We don't have a shower.

Let's take a bath together.

We don't have a bathtub.

Want to wade in the brook?