All language subtitles for Love American Style S01E18 Love and the Banned Book, Love and the First-Nighters, Love and the King

That's what I love
about you, Fern.

You let me do my thing.

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the
red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled
night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your
head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's
early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend
your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

three separate views
of love, American style:

blondes, brunettes
and big business,

motels, parents, and
the now generation,

and our first story
about a husband

and his wife's many
lovers, which we call:

Okay, folks, let's have one more

for the underground newspapers.

Just want to make sure
I've got my facts straight.

Stanley, you've been overseas

for the past two years, right?

Right.

And you had no idea

your wife had written
a best-selling novel.

No.

And when did you
finally read the book?

I read it on the
plane coming home.

And you liked it, right?

Well, sort of.

I got a little nauseous
over Denver, though.

Well, thanks a lot, and
welcome home, Soldier.

You're sure a lucky guy.

Good luck to both of you.

Stanley?

Be right out.

Darling, I'm so
glad you're home.

It's so good to have a
man around the house,

someone to wear the pants.

I want to talk to you.

Talk? Yup.

We can talk tomorrow.

Tonight the only
talking I want to do is...

Oh, Stanley...

I love you.

I-I can't handle that right now.

I cannot handle that right now.

Honey, what's the matter?

Why are you acting this way?

Stanley?

Did they put something
funny in your food over there?

No.

It's just...

It's that thing.

The book?

You're upset about the book?

Yeah. But why?

Because there are things
in that book that are dirty.

Oh. I mean,

that orgy scene
is downright dirty.

Orgy?

That was no orgy.

That was just 12
people very much in love.

If it's 12 people,
it ain't love.

It's dirty smut.

Whatever happened
to all those nice things

you used to write?

Those poems and
rhymes and things?

Stanley, I made more money
in a minute with All My Loves

than I made writing
poetry for 12 years.

Well, at least they were clean.

I remember... I remember
one you wrote I really liked.

"What Will Spring Bring to Me?"

"Robins hop in the Spring.

"Roses pop in the Spring.

"Apples happen in the Spring.

"Faces blossom in the Spring.

"What will Spring bring to me?

I hope it's Stanley."

Now, why couldn't you
sell something like that?

Stanley, what is it?

Are you jealous of my success?

No, I'm jealous of all your...

your boyfriends.

What boyfriends?

All My Loves.

I mean, all your loves.

Stanley,

all my loves were you.

No, really.

All the men in that
book... They're all you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

What about page 12?

"Then the virile movie
star took me in his arms,

"and in his own suave
way, he seduced me

with his cool, confident charm."

Is that supposed to be me?

You don't see
yourself in that man?

No.

And neither does anybody else.

I mean, you walk
down the street,

and you stop anybody,

and you read that
to them, and you say,

"That's Stanley,
that's my husband,"

and they'll take you away.

I was describing the
first time that we met.

It was at the demolition
derby in Tulsa.

I wasn't exactly a movie star.

I was driving a '46 Hudson
with no windows in it,

for crying out loud.

To me, you were a movie star.

You were so cool and confident.

I was doing head-on
collisions for $25 a piece.

I guess I was a little
cool and confident.

Who taught you
to kiss like that?

You.

I don't know how
to kiss like that.

You just did.

All right, you just
tell me his name.

If I ever get my hands
on him, I'll break his lips.

Stanley, I've had
no other lovers!

What do you mean, other?

I mean, you're the
only other lover.

Wait a minute.

I know who it is.

Who?

Page 32.

"His resonant voice

"and Shakespearean
manner seduced me,

and his lips sealed
my fate forever."

It's Richard Burton.

Richard Burton?!

Richard Burton
has Elizabeth Taylor.

What would he want with me?

Well, why settle for hamburger
when you can have steak?

Stanley, you're shell-shocked.

You don't get shell-shocked

handing out supplies in Iceland.

All you get is cold and lonely.

I was cold and lonely,

I was thinking of
you, and all the time,

you were messing
around with Richard Burton.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it, either.

Stanley, what does it
take to convince you?

I'll tell you what you can do.

You just say to me,

"Stanley, you're the
only man in my life,

handsome, cool,
confident Stanley."

You say that, and I'll
forget the whole thing.

There's no other man in
the world for me, Stanley,

handsome, cool,
confident Stanley.

What do you think, I'm
stupid or something?

I'll get it.

Hello?

Who?

No, there ain't nobody
here by that name, buddy.

Right.

Wrong number.

That figures.

A man answers, you
give him a phony name.

He'll call back.

Eager little devil, isn't he?

Well, aren't you going
to answer the telephone?

No. You are.

You just say what
I tell you to say,

and we'll find out what's
been going on around here.

Say hello.

Hello.

Come on over.
The coast is clear.

Come on over.
The coast is clear.

The dummy's not here.

The dummy's not here.

I got a kiss waiting for
you when you get here.

I've got a kiss waiting
for you when you get here.

That's perfect.

Thanks.

Now, would you like to talk?

It's your mother.

Hi, Mom. Wait a minute.

I want to talk to you.

Can I call you
back in a little while?

Right.

Thank you.

Now look, Penny,

there's an awful
lot of lovemaking

in this here book.

I mean, a lot of lovemaking.

What I want to know is,

where'd you learn so much about

making love?

Stanley, I don't
know anything more

about making love than
the average teenager.

That's what I'm talking about!

Where'd you learn so
much about making love?

Stanley!

Look, are you the girl
in that book or not?!

Stanley, the girl in
that book is fictional.

She's a-a figment
of my imagination,

a character.

Oh, she's a
character, all right.

I mean, you make love to
12 guys, you're a character.

Stanley, I'm surprised at you.

You know me better
than any man alive,

and I'm still the same
innocent girl you married.

How dare you think that I...

All right, all right.

But there's an awful lot

in that book
that's just like you.

You got to admit that.

I mean, there's an
awful lot of coincidence.

I mean, that girl was a
majorette, and you were

a majorette.

She married a soldier,
and you married a soldier.

Her parents were drunks, and...

my parents were drunks.

Stanley, you're the
only man I've ever loved.

I missed you so much,

I had to sit up night after
night just writing about you.

You were and you
still are all my loves.

Really?

Yes, really.

Now aren't you ashamed?

To think I could ever
even look at another man.

Stanley, you've got to trust me.

I do trust you.

And I know you
trust me, don't you?

Of course I do.

Even though I know

you must have seen
some awfully pretty girls

over there in Europe.

Well, I saw some,

but I wrote you
every day, didn't I?

Yes, you did.

I saved all the stamps.

I especially liked
the one from Monaco.

Imagine being that
close to Grace Kelly.

Who was close to Grace Kelly?

Well, you were in the
same country with her,

and that's being close.

I'm going to go put
that stuff in the bedroom.

Good idea.

I like your wallet.

It looks new.

Yeah, I, uh... I got it the
last time I was in Monaco.

Stanley?

Huh?

Why would you carry
around a picture of Grace Kelly

in your wallet?

What are you talking about?

Don't try to deny it, Stanley.

It's right here.

Oh, that.

Well, when you buy a new wallet,

they put a picture of
a movie star in there.

Sometimes it's Grace Kelly,
and sometimes it's Rock Hudson.

What kind of a man
would carry around

a picture of Rock Hudson?

Well, if I knew it was in
there, I'd have thrown it out.

Oh, just destroy
the evidence, right?

What evidence?

Stanley, what were you doing
in Monaco with Grace Kelly?

I admit I was in Monaco,

but nothing was happening
between me and Grace.

Oh, it's Grace, huh?

You're jealous.

Look, I tell you,

I-I wasn't fooling
around with Grace Kelly.

Well, you thought I
was fooling around

with Richard Burton.

Well, I got the evidence
right there in black and white.

And I have the evidence
right here in color.

Let's go to bed, huh?

Come on.

You're the only girl
in the world for me.

You're the only man
in the world for me.

I'll make you a deal.

I'll never mention Richard
Burton's name again

if you don't
mention Grace Kelly,

because believe me,

nothing happened
between me and Grace.

Okay, it's a deal.

But, you know, I feel
kind of sorry for her.

I mean, she's never going
to know what she missed.

I'm sure this time, Garth.

I'm really sure.

Okay.

But I got to admit it
makes me nervous,

you've been engaged
so many times before.

Right this way, folks.

Come on, let's go.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Say, what a nice room.

Isn't this a nice
room, sweetheart?

Yeah, if there's, uh,

if there's one thing
I like when I travel,

it's a nice room.

How do you manage to,
uh, keep this room so nice?

I don't know.

It's the maid's day off.

You just can't be too
careful where you stay.

Well, how long were
we driving around

before we decided
to check in here?

Three hours.

But it was worth it, wasn't it?

I mean, I don't know when
I've seen a-a nicer room.

Where you from?

Columbus. Cincinnati.

Columbus. Cincinnati.

She's from Cincinnati.

I'm from Columbus.

Well, you see, that's
how we met... in between.

Columbus and Cincinnati.

Yes.

Where you going?

To New York. California.

We're gonna go to New York first

and then California.

You see, she's
never met my aunt.

And I've,

I've never met her uncle.

But that's the way
the married life is,

you know that.

Visiting relatives,
checking in to motels.

Say, you know
who'd love this place?

Teddy, Michael and Nancy.

Teddy, Michael and Nancy?

Our kids.

But I said no, no,

this is one trip mommy

and daddy are gonna take alone.

Well, I guess you've
got everything.

That's a closet over there

and there's soap and
towels in the bathroom.

There's an extra
blanket in the dresser.

It's just fine.

Well, I guess I better
be getting a little shut eye

if I'm gonna get up bright
and early and drive to...

New York and California. Yeah.

Good night.

Good night, Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Well, we sure
fooled him, didn't we?

Fooled him?

He's probably headed
right this minute

to a phone to call the
police. Are you kidding?

With the story I just gave him?

Especially after the
story you gave him.

New York, California,
three children?

If he's not calling the police,

he's probably calling
Ripley's Believe It Or Not.

Look, there's nothing
to worry about.

Do you know who
recommended this place?

Mark Hanley.

You know, Debbie's boyfriend.

Then why did we drive
around for three hours?

I don't know,

I just wanted to make
sure the coast was clear.

I've never done
anything like this before.

And I have?

I know, we're so
square it's embarrassing.

You know,

I think we're the
last kids in our class

to pretend we're married
and do a thing like this.

The only couple.

Well, of course there's
Arnold and Melinda.

Yeah, but that's only
because he got hepatitis

right after they
started going together.

We're, we're the couple

that's gone the longest
and done the least.

Well, I'm sure glad
we finally decided

to grow up. Me, too.

And it went without a hitch.

It looks that way.

By the way, how did you manage

to get out of the
house for the night?

Well, I just told them

I was gonna spend the
night at Gladys Rogers.

You told them that?

What's wrong?

Well, that's where
I'm spending the night.

At Gladys Rogers?
With her brother, Biff.

Boy, if our folks compare notes

they'll think we're up to
something at Gladys Roger's house.

Don't worry, they won't.

Yeah. You're right.

I'm not gonna let
anything spoil this.

This is just, just
perfect, isn't it?

Yes.

I mean, here we are.

There's nobody to interrupt us.

Nobody to tell me
it's time to go home.

It's just you and me.

That's right.

We're all alone.

Yeah.

All alone.

Hey, uh... uh, great picture.

Oh, yes, isn't that nice?

Washington crossing
the Delaware.

Yes, it's always been
one of my favorites.

It looks kind of different

without a calendar
hanging under it.

Yes.

Uh, you know, I never
really noticed the expression

on George
Washington's face before.

It-it's so strong
and determined.

Yes.

It's no wonder we
won the war. Yeah.

Yeah.

We're, we're finally acting

like mature people for a change.

Yes, it feels good.

Don't you just
love being mature.

Uh-huh.

I mean, take a look at us, Amy.

We've been going together
for, for two years now.

But what if underneath...

it's just physical attraction.

Well, that'd be awful.

Well, that's the beauty of this.

Of course we...

we could find we're
really not compatible.

Oh, no.

You'd go your way, I'd go mine.

Johnny, you don't think that...

Oh, no, no, not us.

We've got much
too much in common.

Art.

Bowling.

The Beatles.

Uh, skin diving.

The physical aspect
is just one part

of our whole
beautiful relationship.

And it's not the most
one either. Oh, not at all.

I mean, I'd put it maybe sixth.

Maybe fifth.

Okay, but, but no
higher than fifth.

You know, I've
never felt so free.

And so relaxed.

Well, I...

I guess there's really
no reason why we...

why we can't change.

Into something more comfortable?

I'll get your suitcase.

Listen, there's no reason

why we can't talk for a while.

Oh, no, no.

We can do what we
want, whenever we want.

We're mature people.

You know, I can't get over

finding a bed like
this in a motel room.

Why, is it something special?

It sure is, it's
practically an antique.

Is it?

I, I thought it was just old.

No, mother's been
looking all over to buy one.

They're getting harder
to find all the time.

Gee, I, I wonder
if it's comfortable.

Say, it's not bad.

Is it?

Oh, it isn't.

Ah, see, I told you.

Yes, sir, that sure is some bed.

They don't make
'em like they used to.

What was that?

Sounded like Mark
Hanley's voice.

It did.

It is.

It's Mark and
Debbie. Of all things.

I told you about
their coming here.

Boy, will they be
surprised to see us.

Where you going?
To invite 'em in.

No, don't.

Why not?

It's just that I don't
feel that mature yet.

Sounds like they're
in the room next door.

How embarrassing.

Look, will you stop
being so old-fashioned.

I mean, we're the Now
Generation, remember?

I know, but, uh,
I just didn't think

the whole generation
was gonna be checking in

to this motel.

Why these walls sure are thin.

Sounds like they're
having an argument.

No, no.

Yeah, let's, let's turn on
the TV set and drown it out.

Good idea.

What happened?

The knob came off.

It sounds like Debbie's crying.

We're just gonna have
to tell them we're here.

That's all there is to it.

Maybe we could help. Help?

Sure, it's probably
just a lover's quarrel

that got out of hand.

We could go in there
and calm them down.

Well, maybe.

If we just knew
what it was all about.

I'll see if I can
make anything out.

Can you hear anything?

If Debbie would
only quit crying.

I heard something. What?

Pregnant. Pregnant?

Oh, brother.

Quick, hand me that glass.

She's afraid she's pregnant.

Oh, I bet that's it.

That's not it.

It's not?

She is pregnant.

Oh, poor Debbie.

Open up in there!

Who's that?

Want me to break the door down?

Sounds like
Debbie's brother Tom.

Oh, no.

Why does he have to butt in?

I may be witness to a murder.

He's just found out about it.

Where's he been?

Chicago.

Oh, he's getting madder.

I hope he doesn't
start any rough stuff.

Maybe she should
tell him she's pregnant.

She did.

Good.

Now he's starting
the rough stuff.

What's happening?

Sounds like a
body hit the floor.

Johnny, you better go in there.

No, wait a minute.

I think it'll end soon.

Who is it?

It's Debbie's mother and father
and Mark's mother and father.

If this keeps up

they're gonna have
to get a larger room.

What are they saying?

They know she's, she's pregnant.

"It's your daughter's fault."

"It's your son's fault."

"How could you do this to us?"

"You've disgraced us for life."

"We'll have to leave town."

They're married.

Married?

Secretly married.

Then why are they
attacking them like this?

They didn't know.

It was a secret. Oh.

I-I think they're leaving.

Poor Mark and Debbie.

Yeah, poor kids.

Look, uh...

just because this
happened to them,

that, that doesn't mean...

Not at all.

We're entirely different people.

Right.

My parents would never...

At least I don't
think they would.

Hey.

You sneezed. I know.

You might be coming
down with something.

Is there anything going around?

Everything. That's right.

Phyllis had the flu
and Betty had the virus.

Ruth had her appendix out.

Listen, we better
not take any chances.

You'd better get right to bed.

Here?

Oh, no, not, not in this dump.

You need medicine and attention.

I better take you right home.

I guess it's the
only thing to do.

Sure. And if we
want to come back

we can come back next
week, but not right now.

The best thing to do right now

is to get you out of here fast.

Johnny...

I love you.

And I love you.

I'll take the bags.

You run down to the car.

And button up.

Ho, ho, ho!

Very funny.

Miss Hulse, could you
type these up? Uh...

Mr. Jenks will be in soon.

He'll want me for dictation.

Uh, coffee, uh, smells good.

No more left in the pot.

Yeah.

Uh, Nancy?

Um, I need these typed.

It really isn't very...

I've got payroll today.

M-much.

Morning, group.

Did you reserve a table
for me at the Spire's Club?

Yes, sir, 1:00. Are you
busy for lunch today, Bob?

Oh, no, completely free.

Good. Somebody should
be here in case Crandall calls.

Research.

Yes, just a moment, please.

It's for you.

Huh? Oh.

Who's calling him?

His wife.

Who else for Old Faithful?

Don't worry about a thing.

I'll be fine.

I shouldn't be gone more
than four or five days.

Five days.

Well, it's probably
just her gallbladder,

but at Mother's age...

Well, she'd like to
have someone with her.

Right. Well, give her my best,

and if you want
to call, I'll be home.

Oh, wow, baby!

Wa, wa!

Hey, what do you say
there, Bobby Baby, huh?

It's me, Charlie Burrows,
the pride of the Fighting 79th.

Well... Charlie Burrows.

It's all right, Miss Hulse.

Hey, she's okay. How did you...?

I came into town
on some business,

I ran into one of the guys
from the old outfit, and,

well, he told me about
you, and here I am.

Hey. Hello.

This is going to be a night

of total, falling-down
destruction.

The Old Gunner and the King

of the Swingers
together again, huh?

The two-man wild
bunch on the loose.

Same old Charlie.

I'll handle the whole thing.

I'll line up a couple of
delinquent little darlings,

and I got 'em, King,
oh, have I got 'em.

Hey, now, we'll
get a gallon of juice.

We start off at your place.

No, no, whoa, whoa,
wait a second now.

Now, look, Charlie,
it's been a long time

since we were in the army,

and a lot of things have
changed, like I am married now.

You're married?

The King? Get out of there.

Five years, the 12th of August.

I got to see it to believe it.

Well, maybe some other time.

She left town for
a couple of days.

Oh, left town. Well,
that's more like it.

For a minute there,
you had me worried.

Now look, here's
the plan of attack.

I'll bring the... I want
to talk to you about...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, Mr. Jenks, Mr. Burrows.

We were in the army
together. How do you do?

Likewise.

Well, you're, uh... you're busy.

Look, don't worry
about a thing, King.

You just leave everything
to old Uncle Charlie.

These reports for Crandall...

I'm going to make a few notes

and drop them by
your house this evening.

Yeah, fine.

You'll have time to work
on them tonight, won't you?

Oh, sure, I got nothing
planned at all. Fine.

Absolutely nothing.

It's Mr. Wonderful.

And look who Santa
Claus brought for you.

Isn't it nice? Wait a minute.

Hi. You can't...

Girls, Bobby Boy, that there
is Suzy, and this is Goldie.

Girls, there he is, the movie
producer I told you about.

You can't. I told...

Look, isn't that perfect?

I'm asking you, isn't
she absolutely perfect

for the role of the gypsy?

Oh, a regular Grace
Kelly, and-and Goldie...

Charlie... I can't...

for the role of the flower
girl opposite Richard Burton?

Oh!

Oh, is that charisma,
or is that charisma?

Charlie, Charlie, I
told... I told you...

We can also both sing.

We have our own arrangements.

How Metro didn't pick them
up first, I'll never understand.

Let's get on with the party!

And when the King
throws one, oh, he goes...

Where's the kitchen?

Out there, but you...

Lots of ice, and
forget the water.

Charlie? Uh, can we sing now?

No, no, not now.

Make him anxious.

All right, you go help...
out in the kitchen.

Huh? Huh?

Oh, did the Old Gunner
come through again?

Charlie, you can't stay here.

You got another girl coming?

Charlie, you don't understand.

Oh, holding out on me.

The more the merrier. Charlie...

One for me, one
for you, one to spare.

Listen, keep them in there.

Two minutes and out
of sight, out of sight!

Okay, okay.

Evening, Bob.

I think I got
everything you need.

Well, I'll take them from here.

I'll get that.

Uh.

Whoa!

Yeah, well, my wife left

in quite a hurry this morning.

Uh, visiting her mother.

Now the, um... the new angle is

to readjust the
inventory for a tax loss.

Uh-huh, right.

Uh-huh, right. And, uh...

Oh, old sofa. The
springs are shot.

Well, I think I'm completely
familiar with this setup.

No use wasting
your time, Mr. Jenks.

Well, all right, if you could...

Mice.

Your wife... her name is...?

Ann.

Ann?

Uh, I'll take care of
everything, Mr. Jenks.

Uh, but that must
be the, uh, cat,

uh, chasing after the, uh, mice.

Oh, hi!

Oh.

Oh!

Are you a movie producer, too,

like Bobby Baby?

Bobby Baby?

He thinks I'd be perfect
for the part of the gypsy.

Oh.

And I'm up for
the flower girl part

opposite Richard Burton.

We also sing.

And we have our
own arrangements.

Hey, how are you
there, Mr. Jenks?

Have a drink.

Uh, no thanks.

You told me you
weren't busy this evening.

Well, I'm not. I...

Hey, why don't you stick around?

He's got another
girl coming anyway.

He's the King.

He lives good.

No, I really can't.

I'll, uh...

see you in the
morning... Curtis.

Uh...

Uh, maybe we better
be going too, girls.

Uh, he's got to work.

On the script.

Relax.

No problem.

Yeah, no problem for you.

I work for a very
respectable company.

That is, I used
to work for them.

Can you imagine what's going
to happen to me tomorrow?

Uh.

Bye-bye, Bobby Baby.

I'm going to miss you.

Hmm.

Bye.

Good morning, Mr. Curtis.

Morning. Good morning.

Can I get you some coffee?

Uh, you take a little
cream, no sugar, right?

And I'll bring you a couple
of aspirin on the side.

And if you need
any typing, I'm free.

I'll handle it, Nancy.

Coffee coming up, King.

Let me take your coat.

Well...

didn't expect to
see you in so early.

Yeah, well, look, Mr. Jenks...

What's this Mr. Jenks?

Bill, Bill.

Yeah, well, I wanted to
explain about last night.

There's nothing
to explain, King.

Did she get the part?

Richard Burton.

Listen, you don't have to worry

about this stuff we
went over last night.

I'll put Peterson on it.

Besides, I guess the
old head's a little foggy

this morning, huh?

You sly dog.

We had you pegged all wrong.

After 6:00, you're
the Green Hornet.

I, uh, swiped a pastry, too.

You've got to keep
up your strength.

Oh, listen, about lunch...
I'll get a table at the club.

Nice and quiet where
we can talk, huh?

How's it going, Bob?

Oh, just fine, I guess, Bill.

I want you to meet Mr. Crandall.

Uh, just call me
Brad, and don't get up.

From what I hear,
uh, you need your rest.

Uh, yeah, well, you know, a
man learns to pace himself.

Uh, Brad's staying
over till tomorrow, Bob,

and since he has the night free,

I thought you might
include him in your plans.

Uh, my, uh, plans?

Blonde, brunette or redhead?

I'll leave it up to you.

You're in for a real time.

Believe me,

they don't call him
King for nothing.

Uh, I have to run.

See you at your place
tonight around 8:00.

Uh...

Oh, that's beautiful, beautiful.

Here, you take this
contract with you.

And along about the third
drink or the fourth redhead,

you get him to sign it, huh?

Counting on you, pal.

It's a big deal for us.

All it takes is a
big night for him.

Well, will you try
Mr. Burrow's room again?

Yeah, well, I know I just
called ten minutes ago.

Just try.

Huh? What?

You-You think he checked out?

No, no, no, no, don't be silly.

He-He couldn't do that to me.

I'm his friend, I'm
his old army buddy!

Yeah, yeah, the Fighting 79th.

Oh, no, never mind.

I don't want his
forwarding address.

Yo, hey, Operator,

uh, look, you sound
like a very nice girl.

I was wondering if
maybe tonight you...

Yeah, hello?

Madeline, hi.

Uh, this is, uh, Bob Curtis.

Yeah, I-I don't know if
you're going to remember me.

It's been a little while,
a few years, but I...

Who?

The babysitter?

They won't be back
from the movies till 11:00.

Mm, no message.

Hello.

Who?

Suzy? Suzy?!

Oh, wow, am I happy
to hear from you!

Yeah! Oh, yes, you've
got the right number.

This-This is the same Bob.

Right.

You what?

You-You left your shoes?

Well, I got them.

N-Never mind, never mind.

I'll buy you a dozen pair.

Look, uh, Suzy, we're
having a little party tonight.

Yeah.

No, no, no, not like
last night, a real party,

and I need a date

for a big swinger
from out of town.

Brad Crandall of
Crandall Industries.

You can't come.

Oh, you think your
roommate can come?

Well, that's great.

W-What-What's she like?

Green eyes. That's...

Oh, sounds beautiful, perfect.

Suzy, listen, you know my place.

8:00, and...

Of course I meant what I said.

A dozen pair of
shoes, two dozen.

Just don't let me down.

Right.

Yeah.

We did it again.

We did it.

The King is back in business.

I can't tell you how I've been
looking forward to tonight.

Man needs a little
relaxing, hey, King?

Yes, exactly my
feelings, Mr. Crandall.

Ah-ah, name's Brad.

Brad, right. Well, it's a shame

you weren't here
last night, Brad.

We had a real doozer.

As a matter of fact,

one of the girls left her shoes.

Probably just an
excuse for coming back.

Uh, um,

hey I hope you've got
one like that for me.

Like that? Even better.

That is if you like
green-eyed maniacs.

Oh, I hope I haven't
been over managed.

But it's gonna
be fun finding out.

Yeah.

Hey, I happen to have
the contract with me.

Oh, later, later. Pleasure
before business, right?

Yeah, sure.

Uh, why don't you just
sweeten that up for yourself

and, uh, I'll see if
there's more ice.

Yeah.

Yeah, nice fella.

Hello there.

I see you even
have your own key.

I'm Brad Crandall.

Oh, well, where's Bob?

Kitchen, getting some ice.

You always take a
suitcase with you?

Only when I go
away for a few days.

A few days...

I better check my insurance.

I beg your pardon?

Wow, this is gonna
be some party tonight.

A party?

Come in, come in.

His girl will be
here any minute.

Yes, sir, the King really
knows how to live it up.

Oh?

The King does, does he?

And if you're my girl,
boy I can't wait to see his.

Oh, me neither.

I'll give him a hand.

Uh, make yourself at home, huh?

Thank you.

King, King, I got
to hand it to you.

She's sensational.

Who? The maniac, she's here.

Oh, good.

You like her, huh? Like her?

I may put you in my will.

And if things work
out like I think,

you'll be collecting real soon.

That'd be great, huh?

Well, I haven't seen
her for a long time.

Well, then come on,
she'll knock your eye out.

Hello, King.

Isn't that something else?

You've made an
old man very happy.

I wonder what's
keeping your girl.

Uh, my-my girl?

That's right.

Your girl.

Uh, why don't you make
another round, Brad.

Uh, come on, you can help me.

I'll get some more glasses.

It's not what you think.

Well, I think it
is what I think.

Shh.

Look, it's very, very simple.

Crandall is a big client.

The boss figures that
if he was entertained,

he would sign his
renewal contract.

So I got him a date.

He's meeting her here,

they're going out and that's it.

There isn't any girl for me.

Honestly?

Honey, you have
to believe me that,

that is all there is to it.

So please, go along with
this for a few more minutes

until I get this thing signed.

Ah, there you are.

Here's to you, doll.

The greatest little old relaxer

a working man ever had.

Uh, uh, Mr. Crandall.

Uh, Brad, Brad,
you've got it wrong.

Your girl is the other
girl, the one who's coming.

Uh, you take the other one.

I'll stick with this
one for tonight.

Oh, but you'll like
her much better.

Won't he, Bob?

Absolutely, you really will.

Uh, she's prettier.
Much prettier, Brad.

She's livelier, younger,

and sexier and much more fun.

No, she couldn't be.

Thank you, Brad.

Let's drink up.

I've got a feeling that
tonight's gonna be

even wilder than
the party last night.

Last night?

Can I see you in the kitchen?

She's a little miffed.

Probably because
she wasn't invited.

That's all there is to it, huh?

And what about
the party last night?

There was no
party here last night.

An old buddy I knew
in the army came by.

In and out in two minutes.

There was no party.

Okay.

Do you really think

that other girl is
prettier than I am?

How do I know, I've
never even seen her.

Do you mean to say
that you prefer a girl

you've never even
seen to your own wife?

Honey, you're getting upset
over nothing, you know that.

Nothing? Yeah.

A wife comes home
after seeing her mother

through a gall stone attack,

and she finds her husband
playing king of the gypsies,

and that's nothing?

And that's another thing,

you never even asked
how she was. How is she?

Fine, for all you care. Good.

Good, good. We'll
talk about it later.

But right now you
have to believe me

that there was no
party here last night,

just an old friend
from the service.

♪ ♪

I love music.

Wish my wife did.

I'm married, you know.

Believe in putting my
cards right on the table.

But just because
a man is married

doesn't mean he
can't enjoy himself.

Right, Bob?

Well...

And believe me,

there's not a married
man in the world

who doesn't step
out once in a while.

Well, one or two.

Not one.

Uh, Brad...

Listen, Brad.

Brad.

Uh, I think it's
about time that we...

Oh, uh, kick off
your shoes, honey.

But be sure you
don't forget them

like the girls did last night.

A friend from the service, huh?

And what do you call these?

Army shoes?

All right, all right.

So he had a couple
of girls with him.

I didn't want to
go into it before.

I threw them all right out,

but Jenks got the idea

that I'm some kind of wild man

and I can get dates for anyone

and it's all so
very complicated.

Well, not for me.

My bag's already packed.

Honey, come on now, honey.

Now look.

It all boils down to one thing.

Do you trust me?

No.

Not when you conceal things.

Well, you conceal things, too.

Look, if you had told me
you were coming home early

I could have been in
and out of this mess

before you knew
anything about it.

Look, trust me.

I'm a very faithful husband.

Well, I tried calling yesterday

but the line was always busy.

Well, yeah, I was
calling girls all day.

Okay, King, I'm with you.

Hey, I just hope that
girl's really a knockout

so we can get him out
of here. Oh, she will be.

Suzy said that... Hey.

Oh. What's going on out here?

Well, nothing.

Nothing, huh?

Come on, you two
really didn't think

you were fooling me did you?

You know?

I'd have to be deaf,
dumb and blind if I didn't.

I'm sorry. It's all my fault.

I should have told you before.

Nothing to be sorry about.

So you two dig each other.

Just be sure his
wife doesn't find out.

Oh, I'll take the other
chick when she shows up,

even if she's just
half as nice as you.

Uh-oh, that's her.

Don't worry, she'll
bowl you over.

Yeah.

You must be Mr. Curtis.

Is Mr. Crandall here?

I suppose you have
a good explanation.

Maude, what are you doing here?

I heard a few rumors
about my husband.

Obviously they
were not just rumors.

Now Maude, you're
making a mistake.

Oh, really?

And who's that?

This?

Why this, uh...

she, this, uh...

I should have made
the introductions.

Uh, this is my wife, Ann.

Oh, yes, that's right,
this is his wife Ann.

How do you do, Mrs. Crandall?

Brad has told us
so much about you.

You're his...

His wife, his wife, of course.

Who else? Yes.

And we were just
having a little party,

the three of us

to celebrate Mr. Crandall
renewing his contract

for another three years.

Yes, we were just...

Three years?

And you are here just
in time to be in on it.

Well, I guess

that's the way the
cookie crumbles, huh?

Get her out of here

before the other one
comes. Uh, yes, yes.

Uh, my dear, these
two have plans.

Why don't you and I have
a little dinner somewhere?

I don't know what to say.

Oh, rumors, forget
it, come along.

Oh, it's been so
nice meeting you,

Mrs. Crandall.

Oh, yes.

That crazy wife
story, you're a genius.

Well, good night, Curtis's.

Oh, what a pleasant
surprise, my dear.

I know a nice place
not too expensive.

Well, it's over.

I'm gonna call Bill

and tell him about
the contract. Bill?

Uh, yeah, formerly Mr. Jenks,

but now that I'm the
King, he's plain Bill.

It's funny

how the whole
world loves a swinger.

Hi.

Sorry, no party.

No party?

Well, Suzy said...

Suzy was mistaken,

but you can return her shoes.

Bill?

Bob.

I got the contract.

You know, that Suzy.

She told me that the guy

who lived here was a real king.

Oh, well, about
that, she was right.

Oh, will you excuse me?

I want to slip into
something more comfortable.

Who is it?

The bell boy sent me up.

Here's the razor
blades you wanted.