Original subtitles

That's what I love about you, Fern.

You let me do my thing.

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

three separate views of love, American style:

blondes, brunettes and big business,

motels, parents, and the now generation,

and our first story about a husband

and his wife's many lovers, which we call:

Okay, folks, let's have one more

for the underground newspapers.

Just want to make sure I've got my facts straight.

Stanley, you've been overseas

for the past two years, right?

Right.

And you had no idea

your wife had written a best-selling novel.

No.

And when did you finally read the book?

I read it on the plane coming home.

And you liked it, right?

Well, sort of.

I got a little nauseous over Denver, though.

Well, thanks a lot, and welcome home, Soldier.

You're sure a lucky guy.

Good luck to both of you.

Stanley?

Be right out.

Darling, I'm so glad you're home.

It's so good to have a man around the house,

someone to wear the pants.

I want to talk to you.

Talk? Yup.

We can talk tomorrow.

Tonight the only talking I want to do is...

Oh, Stanley...

I love you.

I-I can't handle that right now.

I cannot handle that right now.

Honey, what's the matter?

Why are you acting this way?

Stanley?

Did they put something funny in your food over there?

No.

It's just...

It's that thing.

The book?

You're upset about the book?

Yeah. But why?

Because there are things in that book that are dirty.

Oh. I mean,

that orgy scene is downright dirty.

Orgy?

That was no orgy.

That was just 12 people very much in love.

If it's 12 people, it ain't love.

It's dirty smut.

Whatever happened to all those nice things

you used to write?

Those poems and rhymes and things?

Stanley, I made more money in a minute with All My Loves

than I made writing poetry for 12 years.

Well, at least they were clean.

I remember... I remember one you wrote I really liked.

"What Will Spring Bring to Me?"

"Robins hop in the Spring.

"Roses pop in the Spring.

"Apples happen in the Spring.

"Faces blossom in the Spring.

"What will Spring bring to me?

I hope it's Stanley."

Now, why couldn't you sell something like that?

Stanley, what is it?

Are you jealous of my success?

No, I'm jealous of all your...

your boyfriends.

What boyfriends?

All My Loves.

I mean, all your loves.

Stanley,

all my loves were you.

No, really.

All the men in that book... They're all you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

What about page 12?

"Then the virile movie star took me in his arms,

"and in his own suave way, he seduced me

with his cool, confident charm."

Is that supposed to be me?

You don't see yourself in that man?

No.

And neither does anybody else.

I mean, you walk down the street,

and you stop anybody,

and you read that to them, and you say,

"That's Stanley, that's my husband,"

and they'll take you away.

I was describing the first time that we met.

It was at the demolition derby in Tulsa.

I wasn't exactly a movie star.

I was driving a '46 Hudson with no windows in it,

for crying out loud.

To me, you were a movie star.

You were so cool and confident.

I was doing head-on collisions for $25 a piece.

I guess I was a little cool and confident.

Who taught you to kiss like that?

You.

I don't know how to kiss like that.

You just did.

All right, you just tell me his name.

If I ever get my hands on him, I'll break his lips.

Stanley, I've had no other lovers!

What do you mean, other?

I mean, you're the only other lover.

Wait a minute.

I know who it is.

Who?

Page 32.

"His resonant voice

"and Shakespearean manner seduced me,

and his lips sealed my fate forever."

It's Richard Burton.

Richard Burton?!

Richard Burton has Elizabeth Taylor.

What would he want with me?

Well, why settle for hamburger when you can have steak?

Stanley, you're shell-shocked.

You don't get shell-shocked

handing out supplies in Iceland.

All you get is cold and lonely.

I was cold and lonely,

I was thinking of you, and all the time,

you were messing around with Richard Burton.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it, either.

Stanley, what does it take to convince you?

I'll tell you what you can do.

You just say to me,

"Stanley, you're the only man in my life,

handsome, cool, confident Stanley."

You say that, and I'll forget the whole thing.

There's no other man in the world for me, Stanley,

handsome, cool, confident Stanley.

What do you think, I'm stupid or something?

I'll get it.

Hello?

Who?

No, there ain't nobody here by that name, buddy.

Right.

Wrong number.

That figures.

A man answers, you give him a phony name.

He'll call back.

Eager little devil, isn't he?

Well, aren't you going to answer the telephone?

No. You are.

You just say what I tell you to say,

and we'll find out what's been going on around here.

Say hello.

Hello.

Come on over. The coast is clear.

Come on over. The coast is clear.

The dummy's not here.

The dummy's not here.

I got a kiss waiting for you when you get here.

I've got a kiss waiting for you when you get here.

That's perfect.

Thanks.

Now, would you like to talk?

It's your mother.

Hi, Mom. Wait a minute.

I want to talk to you.

Can I call you back in a little while?

Right.

Thank you.

Now look, Penny,

there's an awful lot of lovemaking

in this here book.

I mean, a lot of lovemaking.

What I want to know is,

where'd you learn so much about

making love?

Stanley, I don't know anything more

about making love than the average teenager.

That's what I'm talking about!

Where'd you learn so much about making love?

Stanley!

Look, are you the girl in that book or not?!

Stanley, the girl in that book is fictional.

She's a-a figment of my imagination,

a character.

Oh, she's a character, all right.

I mean, you make love to 12 guys, you're a character.

Stanley, I'm surprised at you.

You know me better than any man alive,

and I'm still the same innocent girl you married.

How dare you think that I...

All right, all right.

But there's an awful lot

in that book that's just like you.

You got to admit that.

I mean, there's an awful lot of coincidence.

I mean, that girl was a majorette, and you were

a majorette.

She married a soldier, and you married a soldier.

Her parents were drunks, and...

my parents were drunks.

Stanley, you're the only man I've ever loved.

I missed you so much,

I had to sit up night after night just writing about you.

You were and you still are all my loves.

Really?

Yes, really.

Now aren't you ashamed?

To think I could ever even look at another man.

Stanley, you've got to trust me.

I do trust you.

And I know you trust me, don't you?

Of course I do.

Even though I know

you must have seen some awfully pretty girls

over there in Europe.

Well, I saw some,

but I wrote you every day, didn't I?

Yes, you did.

I saved all the stamps.

I especially liked the one from Monaco.

Imagine being that close to Grace Kelly.

Who was close to Grace Kelly?

Well, you were in the same country with her,

and that's being close.

I'm going to go put that stuff in the bedroom.

Good idea.

I like your wallet.

It looks new.

Yeah, I, uh... I got it the last time I was in Monaco.

Stanley?

Huh?

Why would you carry around a picture of Grace Kelly

in your wallet?

What are you talking about?

Don't try to deny it, Stanley.

It's right here.

Oh, that.

Well, when you buy a new wallet,

they put a picture of a movie star in there.

Sometimes it's Grace Kelly, and sometimes it's Rock Hudson.

What kind of a man would carry around

a picture of Rock Hudson?

Well, if I knew it was in there, I'd have thrown it out.

Oh, just destroy the evidence, right?

What evidence?

Stanley, what were you doing in Monaco with Grace Kelly?

I admit I was in Monaco,

but nothing was happening between me and Grace.

Oh, it's Grace, huh?

You're jealous.

Look, I tell you,

I-I wasn't fooling around with Grace Kelly.

Well, you thought I was fooling around

with Richard Burton.

Well, I got the evidence right there in black and white.

And I have the evidence right here in color.

Let's go to bed, huh?

Come on.

You're the only girl in the world for me.

You're the only man in the world for me.

I'll make you a deal.

I'll never mention Richard Burton's name again

if you don't mention Grace Kelly,

because believe me,

nothing happened between me and Grace.

Okay, it's a deal.

But, you know, I feel kind of sorry for her.

I mean, she's never going to know what she missed.

I'm sure this time, Garth.

I'm really sure.

Okay.

But I got to admit it makes me nervous,

you've been engaged so many times before.

Right this way, folks.

Come on, let's go.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Say, what a nice room.

Isn't this a nice room, sweetheart?

Yeah, if there's, uh,

if there's one thing I like when I travel,

it's a nice room.

How do you manage to, uh, keep this room so nice?

I don't know.

It's the maid's day off.

You just can't be too careful where you stay.

Well, how long were we driving around

before we decided to check in here?

Three hours.

But it was worth it, wasn't it?

I mean, I don't know when I've seen a-a nicer room.

Where you from?

Columbus. Cincinnati.

Columbus. Cincinnati.

She's from Cincinnati.

I'm from Columbus.

Well, you see, that's how we met... in between.

Columbus and Cincinnati.

Yes.

Where you going?

To New York. California.

We're gonna go to New York first

and then California.

You see, she's never met my aunt.

And I've,

I've never met her uncle.

But that's the way the married life is,

you know that.

Visiting relatives, checking in to motels.

Say, you know who'd love this place?

Teddy, Michael and Nancy.

Teddy, Michael and Nancy?

Our kids.

But I said no, no,

this is one trip mommy

and daddy are gonna take alone.

Well, I guess you've got everything.

That's a closet over there

and there's soap and towels in the bathroom.

There's an extra blanket in the dresser.

It's just fine.

Well, I guess I better be getting a little shut eye

if I'm gonna get up bright and early and drive to...

New York and California. Yeah.

Good night.

Good night, Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Well, we sure fooled him, didn't we?

Fooled him?

He's probably headed right this minute

to a phone to call the police. Are you kidding?

With the story I just gave him?

Especially after the story you gave him.

New York, California, three children?

If he's not calling the police,

he's probably calling Ripley's Believe It Or Not.

Look, there's nothing to worry about.

Do you know who recommended this place?

Mark Hanley.

You know, Debbie's boyfriend.

Then why did we drive around for three hours?

I don't know,

I just wanted to make sure the coast was clear.

I've never done anything like this before.

And I have?

I know, we're so square it's embarrassing.

You know,

I think we're the last kids in our class

to pretend we're married and do a thing like this.

The only couple.

Well, of course there's Arnold and Melinda.

Yeah, but that's only because he got hepatitis

right after they started going together.

We're, we're the couple

that's gone the longest and done the least.

Well, I'm sure glad we finally decided

to grow up. Me, too.

And it went without a hitch.

It looks that way.

By the way, how did you manage

to get out of the house for the night?

Well, I just told them

I was gonna spend the night at Gladys Rogers.

You told them that?

What's wrong?

Well, that's where I'm spending the night.

At Gladys Rogers? With her brother, Biff.

Boy, if our folks compare notes

they'll think we're up to something at Gladys Roger's house.

Don't worry, they won't.

Yeah. You're right.

I'm not gonna let anything spoil this.

This is just, just perfect, isn't it?

Yes.

I mean, here we are.

There's nobody to interrupt us.

Nobody to tell me it's time to go home.

It's just you and me.

That's right.

We're all alone.

Yeah.

All alone.

Hey, uh... uh, great picture.

Oh, yes, isn't that nice?

Washington crossing the Delaware.

Yes, it's always been one of my favorites.

It looks kind of different

without a calendar hanging under it.

Yes.

Uh, you know, I never really noticed the expression

on George Washington's face before.

It-it's so strong and determined.

Yes.

It's no wonder we won the war. Yeah.

Yeah.

We're, we're finally acting

like mature people for a change.

Yes, it feels good.

Don't you just love being mature.

Uh-huh.

I mean, take a look at us, Amy.

We've been going together for, for two years now.

But what if underneath...

it's just physical attraction.

Well, that'd be awful.

Well, that's the beauty of this.

Of course we...

we could find we're really not compatible.

Oh, no.

You'd go your way, I'd go mine.

Johnny, you don't think that...

Oh, no, no, not us.

We've got much too much in common.

Art.

Bowling.

The Beatles.

Uh, skin diving.

The physical aspect is just one part

of our whole beautiful relationship.

And it's not the most one either. Oh, not at all.

I mean, I'd put it maybe sixth.

Maybe fifth.

Okay, but, but no higher than fifth.

You know, I've never felt so free.

And so relaxed.

Well, I...

I guess there's really no reason why we...

why we can't change.

Into something more comfortable?

I'll get your suitcase.

Listen, there's no reason

why we can't talk for a while.

Oh, no, no.

We can do what we want, whenever we want.

We're mature people.

You know, I can't get over

finding a bed like this in a motel room.

Why, is it something special?

It sure is, it's practically an antique.

Is it?

I, I thought it was just old.

No, mother's been looking all over to buy one.

They're getting harder to find all the time.

Gee, I, I wonder if it's comfortable.

Say, it's not bad.

Is it?

Oh, it isn't.

Ah, see, I told you.

Yes, sir, that sure is some bed.

They don't make 'em like they used to.

What was that?

Sounded like Mark Hanley's voice.

It did.

It is.

It's Mark and Debbie. Of all things.

I told you about their coming here.

Boy, will they be surprised to see us.

Where you going? To invite 'em in.

No, don't.

Why not?

It's just that I don't feel that mature yet.

Sounds like they're in the room next door.

How embarrassing.

Look, will you stop being so old-fashioned.

I mean, we're the Now Generation, remember?

I know, but, uh, I just didn't think

the whole generation was gonna be checking in

to this motel.

Why these walls sure are thin.

Sounds like they're having an argument.

No, no.

Yeah, let's, let's turn on the TV set and drown it out.

Good idea.

What happened?

The knob came off.

It sounds like Debbie's crying.

We're just gonna have to tell them we're here.

That's all there is to it.

Maybe we could help. Help?

Sure, it's probably just a lover's quarrel

that got out of hand.

We could go in there and calm them down.

Well, maybe.

If we just knew what it was all about.

I'll see if I can make anything out.

Can you hear anything?

If Debbie would only quit crying.

I heard something. What?

Pregnant. Pregnant?

Oh, brother.

Quick, hand me that glass.

She's afraid she's pregnant.

Oh, I bet that's it.

That's not it.

It's not?

She is pregnant.

Oh, poor Debbie.

Open up in there!

Who's that?

Want me to break the door down?

Sounds like Debbie's brother Tom.

Oh, no.

Why does he have to butt in?

I may be witness to a murder.

He's just found out about it.

Where's he been?

Chicago.

Oh, he's getting madder.

I hope he doesn't start any rough stuff.

Maybe she should tell him she's pregnant.

She did.

Good.

Now he's starting the rough stuff.

What's happening?

Sounds like a body hit the floor.

Johnny, you better go in there.

No, wait a minute.

I think it'll end soon.

Who is it?

It's Debbie's mother and father and Mark's mother and father.

If this keeps up

they're gonna have to get a larger room.

What are they saying?

They know she's, she's pregnant.

"It's your daughter's fault."

"It's your son's fault."

"How could you do this to us?"

"You've disgraced us for life."

"We'll have to leave town."

They're married.

Married?

Secretly married.

Then why are they attacking them like this?

They didn't know.

It was a secret. Oh.

I-I think they're leaving.

Poor Mark and Debbie.

Yeah, poor kids.

Look, uh...

just because this happened to them,

that, that doesn't mean...

Not at all.

We're entirely different people.

Right.

My parents would never...

At least I don't think they would.

Hey.

You sneezed. I know.

You might be coming down with something.

Is there anything going around?

Everything. That's right.

Phyllis had the flu and Betty had the virus.

Ruth had her appendix out.

Listen, we better not take any chances.

You'd better get right to bed.

Here?

Oh, no, not, not in this dump.

You need medicine and attention.

I better take you right home.

I guess it's the only thing to do.

Sure. And if we want to come back

we can come back next week, but not right now.

The best thing to do right now

is to get you out of here fast.

Johnny...

I love you.

And I love you.

I'll take the bags.

You run down to the car.

And button up.

Ho, ho, ho!

Very funny.

Miss Hulse, could you type these up? Uh...

Mr. Jenks will be in soon.

He'll want me for dictation.

Uh, coffee, uh, smells good.

No more left in the pot.

Yeah.

Uh, Nancy?

Um, I need these typed.

It really isn't very...

I've got payroll today.

M-much.

Morning, group.

Did you reserve a table for me at the Spire's Club?

Yes, sir, 1:00. Are you busy for lunch today, Bob?

Oh, no, completely free.

Good. Somebody should be here in case Crandall calls.

Research.

Yes, just a moment, please.

It's for you.

Huh? Oh.

Who's calling him?

His wife.

Who else for Old Faithful?

Don't worry about a thing.

I'll be fine.

I shouldn't be gone more than four or five days.

Five days.

Well, it's probably just her gallbladder,

but at Mother's age...

Well, she'd like to have someone with her.

Right. Well, give her my best,

and if you want to call, I'll be home.

Oh, wow, baby!

Wa, wa!

Hey, what do you say there, Bobby Baby, huh?

It's me, Charlie Burrows, the pride of the Fighting 79th.

Well... Charlie Burrows.

It's all right, Miss Hulse.

Hey, she's okay. How did you...?

I came into town on some business,

I ran into one of the guys from the old outfit, and,

well, he told me about you, and here I am.

Hey. Hello.

This is going to be a night

of total, falling-down destruction.

The Old Gunner and the King

of the Swingers together again, huh?

The two-man wild bunch on the loose.

Same old Charlie.

I'll handle the whole thing.

I'll line up a couple of delinquent little darlings,

and I got 'em, King, oh, have I got 'em.

Hey, now, we'll get a gallon of juice.

We start off at your place.

No, no, whoa, whoa, wait a second now.

Now, look, Charlie, it's been a long time

since we were in the army,

and a lot of things have changed, like I am married now.

You're married?

The King? Get out of there.

Five years, the 12th of August.

I got to see it to believe it.

Well, maybe some other time.

She left town for a couple of days.

Oh, left town. Well, that's more like it.

For a minute there, you had me worried.

Now look, here's the plan of attack.

I'll bring the... I want to talk to you about...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, Mr. Jenks, Mr. Burrows.

We were in the army together. How do you do?

Likewise.

Well, you're, uh... you're busy.

Look, don't worry about a thing, King.

You just leave everything to old Uncle Charlie.

These reports for Crandall...

I'm going to make a few notes

and drop them by your house this evening.

Yeah, fine.

You'll have time to work on them tonight, won't you?

Oh, sure, I got nothing planned at all. Fine.

Absolutely nothing.

It's Mr. Wonderful.

And look who Santa Claus brought for you.

Isn't it nice? Wait a minute.

Hi. You can't...

Girls, Bobby Boy, that there is Suzy, and this is Goldie.

Girls, there he is, the movie producer I told you about.

You can't. I told...

Look, isn't that perfect?

I'm asking you, isn't she absolutely perfect

for the role of the gypsy?

Oh, a regular Grace Kelly, and-and Goldie...

Charlie... I can't...

for the role of the flower girl opposite Richard Burton?

Oh!

Oh, is that charisma, or is that charisma?

Charlie, Charlie, I told... I told you...

We can also both sing.

We have our own arrangements.

How Metro didn't pick them up first, I'll never understand.

Let's get on with the party!

And when the King throws one, oh, he goes...

Where's the kitchen?

Out there, but you...

Lots of ice, and forget the water.

Charlie? Uh, can we sing now?

No, no, not now.

Make him anxious.

All right, you go help... out in the kitchen.

Huh? Huh?

Oh, did the Old Gunner come through again?

Charlie, you can't stay here.

You got another girl coming?

Charlie, you don't understand.

Oh, holding out on me.

The more the merrier. Charlie...

One for me, one for you, one to spare.

Listen, keep them in there.

Two minutes and out of sight, out of sight!

Okay, okay.

Evening, Bob.

I think I got everything you need.

Well, I'll take them from here.

I'll get that.

Uh.

Whoa!

Yeah, well, my wife left

in quite a hurry this morning.

Uh, visiting her mother.

Now the, um... the new angle is

to readjust the inventory for a tax loss.

Uh-huh, right.

Uh-huh, right. And, uh...

Oh, old sofa. The springs are shot.

Well, I think I'm completely familiar with this setup.

No use wasting your time, Mr. Jenks.

Well, all right, if you could...

Mice.

Your wife... her name is...?

Ann.

Ann?

Uh, I'll take care of everything, Mr. Jenks.

Uh, but that must be the, uh, cat,

uh, chasing after the, uh, mice.

Oh, hi!

Oh.

Oh!

Are you a movie producer, too,

like Bobby Baby?

Bobby Baby?

He thinks I'd be perfect for the part of the gypsy.

Oh.

And I'm up for the flower girl part

opposite Richard Burton.

We also sing.

And we have our own arrangements.

Hey, how are you there, Mr. Jenks?

Have a drink.

Uh, no thanks.

You told me you weren't busy this evening.

Well, I'm not. I...

Hey, why don't you stick around?

He's got another girl coming anyway.

He's the King.

He lives good.

No, I really can't.

I'll, uh...

see you in the morning... Curtis.

Uh...

Uh, maybe we better be going too, girls.

Uh, he's got to work.

On the script.

Relax.

No problem.

Yeah, no problem for you.

I work for a very respectable company.

That is, I used to work for them.

Can you imagine what's going to happen to me tomorrow?

Uh.

Bye-bye, Bobby Baby.

I'm going to miss you.

Hmm.

Bye.

Good morning, Mr. Curtis.

Morning. Good morning.

Can I get you some coffee?

Uh, you take a little cream, no sugar, right?

And I'll bring you a couple of aspirin on the side.

And if you need any typing, I'm free.

I'll handle it, Nancy.

Coffee coming up, King.

Let me take your coat.

Well...

didn't expect to see you in so early.

Yeah, well, look, Mr. Jenks...

What's this Mr. Jenks?

Bill, Bill.

Yeah, well, I wanted to explain about last night.

There's nothing to explain, King.

Did she get the part?

Richard Burton.

Listen, you don't have to worry

about this stuff we went over last night.

I'll put Peterson on it.

Besides, I guess the old head's a little foggy

this morning, huh?

You sly dog.

We had you pegged all wrong.

After 6:00, you're the Green Hornet.

I, uh, swiped a pastry, too.

You've got to keep up your strength.

Oh, listen, about lunch... I'll get a table at the club.

Nice and quiet where we can talk, huh?

How's it going, Bob?

Oh, just fine, I guess, Bill.

I want you to meet Mr. Crandall.

Uh, just call me Brad, and don't get up.

From what I hear, uh, you need your rest.

Uh, yeah, well, you know, a man learns to pace himself.

Uh, Brad's staying over till tomorrow, Bob,

and since he has the night free,

I thought you might include him in your plans.

Uh, my, uh, plans?

Blonde, brunette or redhead?

I'll leave it up to you.

You're in for a real time.

Believe me,

they don't call him King for nothing.

Uh, I have to run.

See you at your place tonight around 8:00.

Uh...

Oh, that's beautiful, beautiful.

Here, you take this contract with you.

And along about the third drink or the fourth redhead,

you get him to sign it, huh?

Counting on you, pal.

It's a big deal for us.

All it takes is a big night for him.

Well, will you try Mr. Burrow's room again?

Yeah, well, I know I just called ten minutes ago.

Just try.

Huh? What?

You-You think he checked out?

No, no, no, no, don't be silly.

He-He couldn't do that to me.

I'm his friend, I'm his old army buddy!

Yeah, yeah, the Fighting 79th.

Oh, no, never mind.

I don't want his forwarding address.

Yo, hey, Operator,

uh, look, you sound like a very nice girl.

I was wondering if maybe tonight you...

Yeah, hello?

Madeline, hi.

Uh, this is, uh, Bob Curtis.

Yeah, I-I don't know if you're going to remember me.

It's been a little while, a few years, but I...

Who?

The babysitter?

They won't be back from the movies till 11:00.

Mm, no message.

Hello.

Who?

Suzy? Suzy?!

Oh, wow, am I happy to hear from you!

Yeah! Oh, yes, you've got the right number.

This-This is the same Bob.

Right.

You what?

You-You left your shoes?

Well, I got them.

N-Never mind, never mind.

I'll buy you a dozen pair.

Look, uh, Suzy, we're having a little party tonight.

Yeah.

No, no, no, not like last night, a real party,

and I need a date

for a big swinger from out of town.

Brad Crandall of Crandall Industries.

You can't come.

Oh, you think your roommate can come?

Well, that's great.

W-What-What's she like?

Green eyes. That's...

Oh, sounds beautiful, perfect.

Suzy, listen, you know my place.

8:00, and...

Of course I meant what I said.

A dozen pair of shoes, two dozen.

Just don't let me down.

Right.

Yeah.

We did it again.

We did it.

The King is back in business.

I can't tell you how I've been looking forward to tonight.

Man needs a little relaxing, hey, King?

Yes, exactly my feelings, Mr. Crandall.

Ah-ah, name's Brad.

Brad, right. Well, it's a shame

you weren't here last night, Brad.

We had a real doozer.

As a matter of fact,

one of the girls left her shoes.

Probably just an excuse for coming back.

Uh, um,

hey I hope you've got one like that for me.

Like that? Even better.

That is if you like green-eyed maniacs.

Oh, I hope I haven't been over managed.

But it's gonna be fun finding out.

Yeah.

Hey, I happen to have the contract with me.

Oh, later, later. Pleasure before business, right?

Yeah, sure.

Uh, why don't you just sweeten that up for yourself

and, uh, I'll see if there's more ice.

Yeah.

Yeah, nice fella.

Hello there.

I see you even have your own key.

I'm Brad Crandall.

Oh, well, where's Bob?

Kitchen, getting some ice.

You always take a suitcase with you?

Only when I go away for a few days.

A few days...

I better check my insurance.

I beg your pardon?

Wow, this is gonna be some party tonight.

A party?

Come in, come in.

His girl will be here any minute.

Yes, sir, the King really knows how to live it up.

Oh?

The King does, does he?

And if you're my girl, boy I can't wait to see his.

Oh, me neither.

I'll give him a hand.

Uh, make yourself at home, huh?

Thank you.

King, King, I got to hand it to you.

She's sensational.

Who? The maniac, she's here.

Oh, good.

You like her, huh? Like her?

I may put you in my will.

And if things work out like I think,

you'll be collecting real soon.

That'd be great, huh?

Well, I haven't seen her for a long time.

Well, then come on, she'll knock your eye out.

Hello, King.

Isn't that something else?

You've made an old man very happy.

I wonder what's keeping your girl.

Uh, my-my girl?

That's right.

Your girl.

Uh, why don't you make another round, Brad.

Uh, come on, you can help me.

I'll get some more glasses.

It's not what you think.

Well, I think it is what I think.

Shh.

Look, it's very, very simple.

Crandall is a big client.

The boss figures that if he was entertained,

he would sign his renewal contract.

So I got him a date.

He's meeting her here,

they're going out and that's it.

There isn't any girl for me.

Honestly?

Honey, you have to believe me that,

that is all there is to it.

So please, go along with this for a few more minutes

until I get this thing signed.

Ah, there you are.

Here's to you, doll.

The greatest little old relaxer

a working man ever had.

Uh, uh, Mr. Crandall.

Uh, Brad, Brad, you've got it wrong.

Your girl is the other girl, the one who's coming.

Uh, you take the other one.

I'll stick with this one for tonight.

Oh, but you'll like her much better.

Won't he, Bob?

Absolutely, you really will.

Uh, she's prettier. Much prettier, Brad.

She's livelier, younger,

and sexier and much more fun.

No, she couldn't be.

Thank you, Brad.

Let's drink up.

I've got a feeling that tonight's gonna be

even wilder than the party last night.

Last night?

Can I see you in the kitchen?

She's a little miffed.

Probably because she wasn't invited.

That's all there is to it, huh?

And what about the party last night?

There was no party here last night.

An old buddy I knew in the army came by.

In and out in two minutes.

There was no party.

Okay.

Do you really think

that other girl is prettier than I am?

How do I know, I've never even seen her.

Do you mean to say that you prefer a girl

you've never even seen to your own wife?

Honey, you're getting upset over nothing, you know that.

Nothing? Yeah.

A wife comes home after seeing her mother

through a gall stone attack,

and she finds her husband playing king of the gypsies,

and that's nothing?

And that's another thing,

you never even asked how she was. How is she?

Fine, for all you care. Good.

Good, good. We'll talk about it later.

But right now you have to believe me

that there was no party here last night,

just an old friend from the service.

♪ ♪

I love music.

Wish my wife did.

I'm married, you know.

Believe in putting my cards right on the table.

But just because a man is married

doesn't mean he can't enjoy himself.

Right, Bob?

Well...

And believe me,

there's not a married man in the world

who doesn't step out once in a while.

Well, one or two.

Not one.

Uh, Brad...

Listen, Brad.

Brad.

Uh, I think it's about time that we...

Oh, uh, kick off your shoes, honey.

But be sure you don't forget them

like the girls did last night.

A friend from the service, huh?

And what do you call these?

Army shoes?

All right, all right.

So he had a couple of girls with him.

I didn't want to go into it before.

I threw them all right out,

but Jenks got the idea

that I'm some kind of wild man

and I can get dates for anyone

and it's all so very complicated.

Well, not for me.

My bag's already packed.

Honey, come on now, honey.

Now look.

It all boils down to one thing.

Do you trust me?

No.

Not when you conceal things.

Well, you conceal things, too.

Look, if you had told me you were coming home early

I could have been in and out of this mess

before you knew anything about it.

Look, trust me.

I'm a very faithful husband.

Well, I tried calling yesterday

but the line was always busy.

Well, yeah, I was calling girls all day.

Okay, King, I'm with you.

Hey, I just hope that girl's really a knockout

so we can get him out of here. Oh, she will be.

Suzy said that... Hey.

Oh. What's going on out here?

Well, nothing.

Nothing, huh?

Come on, you two really didn't think

you were fooling me did you?

You know?

I'd have to be deaf, dumb and blind if I didn't.

I'm sorry. It's all my fault.

I should have told you before.

Nothing to be sorry about.

So you two dig each other.

Just be sure his wife doesn't find out.

Oh, I'll take the other chick when she shows up,

even if she's just half as nice as you.

Uh-oh, that's her.

Don't worry, she'll bowl you over.

Yeah.

You must be Mr. Curtis.

Is Mr. Crandall here?

I suppose you have a good explanation.

Maude, what are you doing here?

I heard a few rumors about my husband.

Obviously they were not just rumors.

Now Maude, you're making a mistake.

Oh, really?

And who's that?

This?

Why this, uh...

she, this, uh...

I should have made the introductions.

Uh, this is my wife, Ann.

Oh, yes, that's right, this is his wife Ann.

How do you do, Mrs. Crandall?

Brad has told us so much about you.

You're his...

His wife, his wife, of course.

Who else? Yes.

And we were just having a little party,

the three of us

to celebrate Mr. Crandall renewing his contract

for another three years.

Yes, we were just...

Three years?

And you are here just in time to be in on it.

Well, I guess

that's the way the cookie crumbles, huh?

Get her out of here

before the other one comes. Uh, yes, yes.

Uh, my dear, these two have plans.

Why don't you and I have a little dinner somewhere?

I don't know what to say.

Oh, rumors, forget it, come along.

Oh, it's been so nice meeting you,

Mrs. Crandall.

Oh, yes.

That crazy wife story, you're a genius.

Well, good night, Curtis's.

Oh, what a pleasant surprise, my dear.

I know a nice place not too expensive.

Well, it's over.

I'm gonna call Bill

and tell him about the contract. Bill?

Uh, yeah, formerly Mr. Jenks,

but now that I'm the King, he's plain Bill.

It's funny

how the whole world loves a swinger.

Hi.

Sorry, no party.

No party?

Well, Suzy said...

Suzy was mistaken,

but you can return her shoes.

Bill?

Bob.

I got the contract.

You know, that Suzy.

She told me that the guy

who lived here was a real king.

Oh, well, about that, she was right.

Oh, will you excuse me?

I want to slip into something more comfortable.

Who is it?

The bell boy sent me up.

Here's the razor blades you wanted.