All language subtitles for Love American Style S01E17 Love and the Nervous Executive, Love and the Hitchhiker, Love and the Great Catch

Oh, it fits! It fits!

Fantastic.

Now, would you be kind enough
to come back to the castle,

pick up your rotten pumpkin

and get rid of those rats
you left running around?

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love... ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the
red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled
night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your
head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's
early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend
your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

three separate views
of love, American style:

The extraordinary
habits of ordinary folks,

a flower child who offers
more than she's expected

but less than she's asked,

and our first story, about the
shape of a young man's career,

which we call "Love and
the Nervous Executive."

Right in here, Grisdale.

Thank you, Mr. Dunlap.

Well, from now
on, all this is yours.

I can't tell you how
much I appreciate

your faith in me, Mr. Dunlap.

And I'll live up to it.

Good talking.

Now look, you just do
the same job up here

you were doing down stairs,

some day you'll have my office.

Oh, Mr. Dunlap.

We wanted to promote
you for some time,

but we couldn't
find a spot for you.

Then when Mr. Williams
started to slow up...

Well, of course we
had to be discreet.

After all, Mr. Willingham
started with this firm

when it was first founded.

He was the backbone
of the company.

Yes, I think it's safe to say
that Dunlap, Carter and Quincy

just would not
have been the same

without Mr. Willingham.

So you, uh, pushed him upstairs?

Shoved him right out.

There's no room for deadwood
at Dunlap, Carter and Quincy.

I see.

A man like you
doesn't have to worry.

No sir.

Why, you're probably
one of the most productive,

effective young men who's
ever come to work for us.

Well, thank you, sir.

I can't wait to see the job
you're going to do for us here.

Well, frankly, I don't think
I'll let you down, Mr. Dunlap.

In fact, I've got
some ideas already.

Good.

Now if you want anything,
you just let me know.

Now these are direct lines

to our out-of-town plants.

There's the rundown of our
current contracts and orders.

This is a button
for your secretary.

That's going to be my
most important asset.

Your secretary?

Yes, after sharing a girl
with four other offices,

my own secretary is
going to be a real boon.

Could increase my productivity

by at least 15%.

Oh, do you mind if I
push the button now

just to see what it feels like?

No, no, not at all.

Personnel said they
were sending a girl up.

This might be a
good time to meet her.

Yes, sir, by at least
15% and maybe even 20.

Oh, good talking.

Oh... Yes, sir?

This is your new
boss. Mr. Grisdale.

How do you do?

I'm Miss Pruitt. Angela Pruitt.

Uh, Miss Pruitt, I think
it only fair to warn you,

Mr. Grisdale here is
a tough taskmaster.

He won't stand for
any delays or excuses.

So, as soon as you
hear your buzzer,

you'd better be
ready to, uh, hop to.

Yes, sir.

Will there be anything else?

Will there be anything else?

She wants to know if
you want something else.

That'll be all, Miss Pruitt.

Thank you.

Well, I imagine you're
ready to get started.

Huh?

You know, get started,
uh, dig in, grab hold.

Oh, yeah, well,
we'll run the old ball

up the flagpole and
see who salutes.

Yes.

Now here are a couple of things

I want you to get
right on top of.

Now, see here's the,
uh, the Fairmont contract,

the Kraftcam job
and the Birdwell order.

Check.

I can't tell you
how delighted I am

to see this job in the
hands of a bright-eyed,

clear-headed,
young man like you.

Our profit margin
won't know what's hit it.

Thank you, sir.

Mm... hmm.

"Fairmont Manufacturing
Company, hereafter known as..."

Uh, Miss Pruitt, would you
bring in the Fairmont file, please?

Here you are, Mr. Grisdale.

Thank you, Miss...

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry,

it was my fault, I'll get it.

I guess I wasn't looking
at what I was doing.

Mr. Grisdale, let me see.

It's all right, I'm all right.

It's all right, I've got it.
That'll be all, Miss Pruitt.

But...

Everything's under control.

Yes, sir.

Personnel?

Grisdale here.

Look, Johnston,
what-what's the big idea?

That secretary you sent
me, that's what I mean.

What's wrong with her?

Well, you take one look at her,
you know she's not a secretary.

You ever see a secretary
with a face like that?

A body that won't quit
and legs out of this world.

Exactly.

When I want a secretary,

I want somebody that
takes shorthand and types.

Not a mini-skirted go-go dancer.

No, no, I don't know how
many words she takes a minute.

Probably three.

All right, all
right, I'll try her.

But believe me,

if she doesn't measure up
to my needs, out she goes.

I'm trying to run a
business office here,

not a resort for
Playboy bunnies.

Miss Pruitt, would you
step in here, please?

And bring your pad.

Sit down, please.

I want you to kiss a letter.

What?

I mean, take a letter.

Penbrook Manufacturing Company,

311 West Fourth Street,

Valley Hills,
Arkansas. Dear sir.

In reference to your
January 19 letter,

the agitator plugs for
the transmission sockets

are reversible rotaries
with galvanized pistons.

On the other hand,

the carburetor gaskets
with the cam shaft forks

will have thermostatic
synchronizers.

Would you read
that back, please?

Penbrook Manufacturing
Company, 311 West Fourth Street,

Valley Hills,
Arkansas. Dear sir.

In reference to your
January 19 letter,

the agitator plugs for
the transmission sockets

are reversible rotaries

with galvanized pistons.

On the other hand,

the carburetor gaskets...

Miss Pruitt, that
doesn't make any sense.

I know, but that's
what you said.

It is?

Never mind, I'll
dictate it later.

Will that be all, sir? Yes.

Oh, Miss Pruitt, um...

I wonder if you could
type up three copies of this.

And, uh, I'll need
it before lunch.

Before lunch?

Of course, if you think
you can't handle it,

I can get somebody else.

Oh, no, it's just that I'm
unfamiliar with my machine.

I understand.

Why can't I get a break?

To expedite shipment
of the Chadwick order,

it is hereby suggested that...

Yes?

It is hereby
suggested that we...

we utilize the IBM.

Yes?

Uh, this came by
special messenger.

Oh, yes.

Oh, wait, it could
require an answer.

Ouch!

Mr. Grisdale.

Could you let me have a
few more days on inventory?

I know I'm a week
behind with you,

but I'm two weeks
behind with Mr. Carter.

Thank you, sir. Good-bye.

Okay, Mr. Carter, I'll
have it to you by Friday.

Yes, sir.

Good-bye.

Oh, Mr. Dunlap.

Grisdale...

Why hasn't the Lockwood
order gone into production?

The Lockwood order?

It was supposed to
go out three days ago.

Mr. Lockwood just
called me personally.

I don't understand it.

I told him to start on it the
moment I gave him the word.

Did you give them the word?

Charlie, start.

Grisdale, is anything wrong?

Is something troubling you?

Oh, not at all, sir, I'm
just breaking into the job.

I see.

Well, look, while I'm here,

I'd like your copy of the
Wentworth production schedule.

There have been some changes.

Right away.

It, uh, should
be right here, sir.

I was going over
it this morning.

Here, could you hold these?

Gosh, that's funny.

Here it is.

In the wastebasket.

Must have slipped off my desk.

Oh, don't worry, Mr. Dunlap.

I always check the
wastebasket before I leave.

Here, I'll take these.

Grisdale, are you sure
you're ready for this job?

Oh, yes, sir.

I mean, you talk a good game.

I'm just working
out the bugs, sir.

I'll have it cold
in a day or two.

I hope so.

If not, I've been talking to your
predecessor Mr. Willingham.

Now, he's moving into a
senior citizen community

in St. Petersburg, but he's
willing to come back here

if we need him.

That won't be
necessary, Mr. Dunlap.

I hope not.

I certainly hope not.

That does it.

A 38-year-old,

and I'm about to be
replaced by a senior citizen.

Only one thing to do.

It's either her or me.

Miss Pruitt, could you step
in here a moment, please?

Yes, sir?

Uh, Miss Pruitt...

Uh, sit down, please.

Miss Pruitt, you've been my
secretary now for two weeks.

And, uh, I've never
known a better one.

Thank you, Mr. Grisdale.

Your shorthand is fantastic.

Your typing is marvelous.

But, uh, I'm going
to have to let you go.

Let me go?

Yes, you see, Miss
Pruitt, you, uh, disturb me.

Oh!

What-what, what's
wrong, Miss Pruitt?

This just keeps happening to me.

I've lost eight jobs in
the last five months.

Eight?

I try to be the best
secretary I can,

but that's never enough.

My bosses always get disturbed,

and then when they
make a pass at me,

and I reject them, they fire me.

Miss Pruitt...

I can't afford to lose
another job, Mr. Grisdale.

Somehow you seem different.

But if my job depends on it,

I'm yours.

Oh, no, Miss Pruitt,

you don't seem to understand.

Please don't let me go.

I just can't face losing
another job again.

All right, Miss Pruitt,
all right, all right.

It's not my fault I disturb you.

I know, I know.

I just happen to look this way.

I guess I ate right
as a kid or something.

Miss Pruitt, you don't
have to apologize.

I just have to get
ahold of myself

and stop behaving in
this juvenile manner.

Then you'll keep me?

For the time being.

Oh, Mr. Grisdale,
I could kiss you.

No, we've got to
behave like two adults.

I'm a man, you're a woman,

and I don't have to keep
reminding myself of the fact.

Now let's clean off this desk,

and before they dust
off old Willingham

and bring him out of retirement.

Here, file this.

Send this to shipping
and receiving.

You can put this through,

and I'll need five
copies of this.

Gee, some of this
print is awfully small.

Can you make it out at all?

Not very well.

Let me put on my glasses.

You wear glasses?

Yes, I just got them.

"In the event

that the deadline is met..."

M-Miss Pruitt.

Yes?

Those glasses...

they, uh, they do
something for you.

You see, Mr. Dunlap, if
we put the assembly line

here instead of here,

it would enable us to
include the housing operation,

which should speed up
production by five seconds per unit.

Good talking.

I, uh, have some notes
on the machine shop

if you'd care to see them.

Of course. Of course.

Miss Pruitt, would
you bring in the notes

on the Perth-Amboy
factory, please?

I've got to admit, Grisdale,

I like the way
you've taken over.

Well, thank you.

But you sure had me
worried those first two weeks.

Worried, Mr. Dunlap?

Well, important papers
in your wastebasket.

Your desk like a pigsty.

Just my way of breaking in.

Well, whatever it is,

we're going to make it
part of executive training.

No, this idea alone
will pay for itself.

Oh, thank you.

What happened to

the girl you had two weeks ago?

Well, you know, with the
turnover in help these days...

Oh, that's too bad.

I thought she was rather sexy.

Really? I never noticed.

Here are the notes
that I mentioned.

Oh, good, good. I'll
look them over tonight.

Well, Grisdale, see
you in the morning.

Good night, Mr. Dunlap.

And keep up the good work.

Oh, yes, sir.

That'll be all, Miss...

Pruitt.

It's 5:00.

Thank goodness.

Would it disturb you if I
took off my glasses now?

Oh, I hope so.

We're on our,
uh... own time now.

You busy tonight?

Same fella?

Yes.

You've seen him
every night this week.

Yes, I hear he's a
rising young executive.

And I hear he owes it all to the
help of his beautiful secretary.

You say the sweetest things.

Oh, Mr. Grisdale.

Oh, Miss Pruitt.

Don't be silly, Mary.

I do not tell people

I married the stupidest
woman in the world.

Now forget it.

And please lower the radio.

Well, here we are.

Hmm, wow.

It's really out of sight.

Yeah. Well, this is
where it all happens.

What?

Uh, my life.

Far out.

You know, it...
it really is nice.

It's warm, too.

Yeah. You know, you're
lucky you got a ride with me.

Hitchhiking can be
dangerous you know.

Anybody can get
a driver's license.

You never know what evil's

lurking behind
the steering wheel.

They're just people, man.

I mean, people
are people, right?

Yeah.

Some people are people,

and some people are weird.

I'll be right back.

Hey, Tom?

Tom. Tom!

Huh? What?

You're not going
to believe this.

I was driving home tonight,

and I picked up this chick
who was hitchhiking, right?

And she says she has
no place to stay tonight.

So I said why don't
you stay with me?

She says groovy.

So, I told her she could
stay over here tonight.

Oh, okay, that's cool.

No, no, you don't understand.

She's going to
sack in here with me.

You know, I hope.

So I told her she
could sleep in your bed.

Oh, great, send her in.

No, no, no, Tom.
You don't understand.

It's a sure thing.

Look, she's a hitchhiker, right?

Uh-huh? So why don't
you go up to Herbie's

tonight and stay there?
He's away for the weekend.

What's she look like?

She's kind of a hippie type.

That figures.

What do you
expect me to pick up,

a governor's
daughter hitchhiking?

It's really not fair.

Come on, Tom, I'd
do it for you anytime.

Okay, then how about right now?

You go stay at Herbie's.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, cousin.

Come on. Let's go.

That's it. There you go.

Pleasant dreams.

Who was that?

Oh, yeah, him?

Yeah, well, he's a...

he's the guy that
lives upstairs, yeah.

And he, um, he's a sleepwalker

and sometimes he ends up
down here in this apartment.

Out of sight.

It's like something
out of a Fellini movie.

Yeah. Are you hungry?
You want something to eat?

Yeah, do you have
any organic foods?

I don't know. Let's see
what the old cooler has, huh?

Well... it's all yours.

Oh, wow, you've got
a lot of poison in there.

Don't you care
about your health?

Well, there's enough
preservatives and cholesterol

in there to wipe
out an entire city.

Don't you have any health foods?

Well, I... tuna fish and bologna

is not exactly a war weapon.

I mean, and they are healthy.

Okay, it's your life.

I just wish I had a nice dish
of fresh seaweed around.

Seaweed? Hmm.

Well, every forkful contains

twice the daily requirements

of vitamin A, B,
B plus, C and G.

Plus a full compliment of
calcium, iron and protein.

If you can keep it down.

Listen, Earl, I...
I mean, it's really

nice of you to let
me crash here.

And, like, I don't
want to offend you,

because you're
really a nice guy.

But, uh...

I have this thing about meat.

And, like, well, you
know, we're all one family.

The family of creatures.

And creatures
shouldn't eat creatures.

No, uh...

well, how about an egg, huh?

I'm sorry, but, uh, that egg

could have been a
chicken, you know?

Yeah, but it also could have
been an unhappy chicken.

Well, uh...

would you, um, like some wine?

I mean, you do drink
liquids, don't you?

Just water. Just water.

I haven't had any wine
since the grape strike.

Oh, got plenty of water.

Do you have any
spring water? No.

Oh, I mean, tap
water is polluted, man.

Didn't you know that?

No. Hmm.

Well, I'll just have a piece
of cheese and an apple.

A piece of cheese and
an apple coming up.

Hi. Hi.

What are you doing,
getting ready for bed?

No, no, I just
thought I'd change

into something more comfortable.

You want to hear some
good music, huh? Oh, yeah.

I've got a real good outfit.

I've got some really
good speakers.

I've got a good tuner,

and here, see, I even
got some earphones, too.

Oh, groovy. I love them.

Yeah, well, put them on.

I'll start it right here.

What's wrong? What's the matter?

Oh, it sounds
like a train wreck.

Oh, well, that's because I had

the demonstration record on.

What's your trip, Earl?

My...? Oh, oh, yeah.

Well, at the moment,
I'm in sales promotion

for the Morton Tool
and Die Company.

That's what you do? Yeah.

And that's your thing?

Well, yeah. I mean,
somebody has to do it.

What would the world be
without tool and die makers?

Oh, it'd be a better
place to live in, man.

It'd be a better
place to live in.

Wow, what a drag!

It's the tool and die
people of the world

who have gotten
us into all of this.

Into all of what?

Smog, pollution, suburbs,

over population,
DDT, unemployment,

war, poverty, racism,

inflation, you name it.

Name it?

There's nothing left.

Wow, there's, there's love, man.

There's L-O-V-E love.

You've got to learn
about love, Earl.

Yeah, well, I'm
sure going to try.

I'm really a good student.

Well, the first thing
you've got to do,

you've got to
learn how to relax.

You're too uptight.

Oh, yeah, well, I'm
just dying to relax.

Why don't you come lie
down on the rug next to me?

Lie down? Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.

Wow. Huh?

This rug is really out of sight.

Yeah, yeah, it's
authentic llama.

Llama? Yeah.

What's the matter?

You have dead
animals on your floor?

Man, that's barbaric.

Would you rather lay
down on a live llama?

Oh, please, couldn't
you put it somewhere?

Just for now?

I mean, it really
brings me down.

Well, I don't want
to bring you down.

I don't want to put
you on a bummer,

but it's just I... I have
this thing about meat.

Yeah, I know, I
know. It's, uh...

We're just all one big family.

It's gone.

It's out of sight.

Oh, listen, Earl, I really
don't want to hassle you.

I mean, it's so nice of
you to let me crash here.

I-I think I ought to split.

No, Tippy, no, wait a minute.

It's just that, you
know, we're strangers.

It takes a little time.

What sign are you?

I'm Gemini, brilliant
and erotic... erratic.

You know, that's not too bad.

I'm Leo. Oh.

You know, if you
had a Cancer cusp,

that could really be groovy.

Oh, well, I'm sure I
have a Cancer cusp.

I asked somebody
about that once.

I think that underneath it all,

you're really an okay guy.

And, you know, I
believe in people.

Yeah, so do I. I
believe in people, too,

and don't forget the
animals, our brothers.

Oh, yeah, I just
love animals. Yes.

Aren't they groovy?
So do I, yeah.

I mean, I'm getting rid
of that rug tomorrow.

Earl, can I kiss you?

Sure.

Oh, wow, I'm really
not ready for you.

You're really freaking me out.

Sorry, uh...

You're just so uptight.

Yeah, well, I know.

Well, I'd really like to
communicate with you, Tippy.

I mean, I really would.

I'm sure we could bridge
the gap that separates us,

you know, in food,
philosophy and hygiene.

I'd just really like
to get to know you.

Well, okay, if
you're really sincere.

Oh, yes, Scout's honor. Okay.

Do what I'm doing, then.

What is this, like Simon Says?

Just sit in this position. Oh.

We're going to take a trip. Oh.

We're going to make that

cosmic journey
that will unite us.

I'd really like to, but couldn't
we go in a different way?

No, just sit facing me,

and put your legs
in this position.

Put this leg up here. Oh.

Ooh, um...

And now we're going to
go someplace together.

Couldn't we go lying down?

Now just close your eyes

and take a deep breath
and chant the syllables,

Nomio hari en geckio.
Nomio hari en geckio.

Hey, uh, no, I don't...
Nomio hari en geckio.

Nomio hari en geckio.
Nomio hari en geckio.

Nomio hari en geckio.

No, listen... Nomio
hari en geckio.

Nomio hari en geckio.
No, you have to...

Nomio hari en geckio.
Nomio hari en geckio.

You okay?

Oh, yeah.

Just beautiful.

And him?

He's never been more together.

He's never been
more asleep, either.

He's with Buddha.

Just let him be.

I've got to go.

Hey, listen, will
we see you again?

Where you headed?

I don't know.

I don't know either,
but I'll take you there.

Okay.

If you don't like my cooking,
Webster, just don't eat it.

Hey, Harry! Harry!

Honey! Harry!

Harry, hurry up! Come on.

Oh, will you look at the
way that man moves.

It's like a sick turtle.

How can you live with a person
like that? Well, I'm used to it.

I tell you, I couldn't
stand it for a second.

It's bad enough
being his sister-in-law,

but if I was married
to him I would go

right out of my mind.

Harr...

Harry, will you come in, please?

Phyllis has
something to tell you.

Hi, Phyl, what's up? Well...

Adam West called!

What?

Adam West, the movie star.

Well, you said you
knew him, didn't you?

Well, yeah, yeah, I met him at
the stamp convention in Chicago.

Well, well, Adam
West called you.

He called you here, and he
wants you to call back before 5:00.

And it's five minutes to
5:00, so get on that phone.

Well, did he leave a number?

Of course he left a
number. Here it is, right here.

It's getting a
little late, Jean.

Don't you have to go back and
feed your cats or something?

Are you kidding?

Do you think that
I would leave here

when you are just about
ready to call Adam West?

You are out of your mind.

I have been waiting here for a
half hour for you just to get home.

He called 30 minutes ago?
Well, about 20 minutes ago.

You have four minutes left.

Are you going to make
this call or aren't you?

Yeah, yeah. Give it to me. Oh!

Where are you going?
Where are you going, Harry?

Where are you going?
I am going to the den!

To the den? It is
quieter in there.

Oh, no, you don't!

You are not going to
make that call in the den.

We want to hear
what you're saying.

Make the call. Look,
it's 3:00 in California.

I still have two hours.

No, no, no, dear. He
said call at 5:00 our time.

Now come on.

I have to be honest
with you, Phyl.

You know, I really didn't think
that Harry had met Adam West.

Oh, I figured he
might have seen him,

but I thought he built the
whole thing up in his mind.

Shh. Shh.

Hello?

Uh, this is Mr. Briggs.

I had a call from Mr. West.

Yes, thank you.

And Harry, ask to
speak to him personally.

No secretary,
nothing like that. Shh!

Hello, Adam?

Adam?

Yeah, Harry, right.

Yeah, yeah. How you doing?

Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
sure, I still have 'em.

Really?

Oh, really?

Harry, what's he saying?
What? What? What?

Ask for an autographed
picture for me with his name on it.

Shh! Shh! Shh!

I see.

Yeah, that'll be fine.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Certainly.

No trouble.

Yeah, sure.

Right, right.

Good-bye.

What?! Harry, what did he say?

What did he sound
like? Was he gorgeous!

What? What? What?
Will you, please?

He's interested in these
zeps I have, these stamps,

and he said he might come
out to see them sometime.

Here? When?

In this town here?
Adam West here?

When? When? He said he'd call.

Oh, Harry, promise me, you will let
me know if he decides to call you?

Harry... All right,
all right, don't worry.

Oh, because, Harry, Harry, if I
could just talk to him once I would die.

I mean, I would absolutely die.

Then I will be sure to
let you know. Oh, Harry.

Well, then, listen kids.

I've got to be running along.

The cats are probably
starved by now.

But promise me, Harry,
please, promise me. Yes, yes.

Harry, please don't
forget to call me

if he decides to drop
by, right? All right.

Adam West, whoo!

Bye, kids.

Listen, he is
coming here tonight.

What? Yes, yes.

What? What?

What? What?

Adam West is
coming here tonight.

He is?

Yes, he's coming here tonight.

Well, why didn't
you say so before?

Because I didn't want
Jean to know. Why not?

Because, because
she is a buttinski.

She'd take over.
She'd monopolize him.

I don't want her around
when Adam West is here.

But Harry, she's my sister.

Besides, she's a lovely person, and
she's just dying to meet Adam West.

That is exactly why
I don't want her here.

He is coming to see me, not her.

Well, I thought he was
coming here to see the stamps.

Well, sure, he's coming to see the stamps,
but he could buy those from someone else.

I mean, we really got
close there in Chicago.

He's a sophisticated guy,
I'm a sophisticated guy.

We dug each other.

So he's coming
mainly because of me.

Well, maybe I ought to leave.

Oh, don't be silly.

He's coming to see both of us.

He wants to meet you.

I want you to meet him, and
besides you have to cook.

What? What? We're
going to have dinner here?

Not dinner... Not really dinner.

He said he was going
to get right on his plane

and maybe we'd have
a bite when he got here.

Nothing to worry about.

Oh, Harry, Harry, maybe
we'd better take him out.

No! Are you out of your head?

Take him out for the
whole town to see?

He is coming here
to see us, not them.

Well, these hicks would
go out of their heads.

They'd make fools
out of themselves.

Oh...

You're lighting the
filter, Harry. What?

Now here's what we'll do.

We'll have just a nice,
quiet evening at home.

Right.

He's tired of all the crowds
and the people and the fuss.

We'll have just a nice,

friendly, family evening.

Right.

Try some of the cheese, Adam.

The sausage is nice.

Maybe you'd like some caviar.

Thank you.

Hold it!

Don't put it in
your mouth, Adam.

Just look over here and smile.

Got it.

Hey, that's gonna be a beaut.

Boy, the guys down at
the office will turn green,

and the secretaries
will go out of their minds.

Harry, these stamps
are in great shape.

I think we can make a deal.

Oh, fine, fine.

Hey, Phyl, take one
of me and Adam, huh?

Yeah.

What am I doing with this tray?

This looks silly.

Hon.

Well, that's all the pictures.

But I'm sorry, Adam,

we could never let you come here

without something for
the old memory book.

Oh, that's... that's easy.

I don't know what
you want for these,

but if you want to sell
them, I'd like to buy them.

Well, we'll talk
about it over dinner.

Hey, how about a drink?

No, thanks Harry, I'm flying.

Oh. Well, then I'll throw
the steaks on in a minute.

I wonder who that could be.

Hi there, hi there, hi there!

I was just passing by
on my way to the library.

I was wondering if you had
any overdue books to return.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you had company.

Phyllis.

Jean, this is Adam West.

Adam, this is

my sister, Jean.
How do you do, Jean.

Oh, how do you do?

You're the movie
actor, aren't you?

I've enjoyed your
work a great deal.

Thank you.

Well, I, uh, I guess
I'd better be going.

Oh, Jean, we're just about

to have dinner, dear.

Wouldn't you like to
stay and have a bite?

Phyllis... Phyllis...

Oh, no, I wouldn't
want to horn in like that.

No, no, of course,
please stay, Jean.

Oh, no, no, I couldn't do that.

Phyllis, could I see
you for a minute?

You know, many people
find it difficult to believe

that Phyllis and I are sisters.

All during school,

I was known as the pretty one.

Would you believe that?

What is she doing here?

Well, honey, you heard her.

She said she just stopped
by on her way to the library.

Oh, don't give me that.

She doesn't dress like
that to go to the library.

She's never dressed
like that before in her life.

You told her that he was
going to be here tonight.

Well, Harry, she is my sister.

Why can't she have a chance
for a little happiness, too?

Chance for...

Chance for happiness?
Chance for happiness?

Don't tell me that you got her
over here because you thought

that he might be
interested in her.

Stranger things have happened.

She's bright, she's pretty,

and he's single.

Oh, honey, did you see
the way he looked at her?

Mm...

I think you've flipped.

You have very nice hands. Oh...

Oh, what's that
on your little finger?

That knuckle looks funny.

I broke it playing football.

Aw...

You really do have green eyes.

I want you to
get rid of her now.

How can I?

I don't know, but
you got her over here.

Now you get her out!

Harry...

If she stays she'll
ruin everything.

You know how she talks.

She'll bore him to death,
and I'll never see him again.

Oh, sure you will.

Just sell him half the stamps.

Oh, you think he came
just because of the stamps?

Well, that's not
true. He likes me.

He thinks of me as a friend.

And you think of him
as a god. Oh, oh...

You get rid of her, Phyllis.

Now, come on.

Yes! Yes! Oh, no!

Yes! JEAN: Marvelous.

Pardon me.

What are we laughing about?

Well, it's just
that he's so funny.

And he's cute, too.

And he is a real person.

Yes, I am.

No, Adam, I mean it.

You know, most actors
are just hollow, empty shells,

confused, mixed up,

a mass of neurotic conflicts.

Well, you read about
it in all the magazines.

But you are real people.

Well, that's a... a real
compliment, Adam.

You know, Jean don't
like too many people,

and not too many
people like Jean.

Jean, uh, if you're going to
the library, you'd better hurry.

It closes in 15 minutes.

Harry.

Well, she said she was
on her way to the library,

and we don't want to keep her.

Well, Jean, why don't
you stay for dinner?

You can go to
the library anytime.

Oh, that's very sweet of you.

Well, that-that's not
really true, Adam.

You see, uh, the library is only
open on Tuesdays and Thursdays,

and if she don't go tonight,

she'll have to wait
until Thursday.

Harry.

And, besides, you
know, it's five cents a day

for all those overdue
books. That does add up.

Oh, Harry.

Well, um, do you
really want me to stay?

Of course. Of course. No.

I mean, uh, no,
we don't... mind.

Oh, fine.

I'll go put on the steaks.

It's a good thing Harry
bought an extra one.

No, Phyl, Phyl, don't
put on the steaks yet.

Why not?

Well, uh...

Oh, I'll get it.

No, that's all
right, I'll get it.

Hi, Harry.

Why, Barbara, what
are you doing here?

I thought I'd return
your bowl to you, Phyllis.

Bowl? What bowl?

Well, this one...
Don't you remember?

You gave me that chicken salad.

That was last Thanksgiving.

You have company. I'm sorry.

Oh, yes, we do.

We certainly do have company.

Um, Adam... Harry...

Adam, this is my
sister, Barbara.

Barbara, this is Adam West.

How do you do? Oh.

Oh, hello.

Oh, what a thrill this is.

I've admired you for so long.

I've seen every
one of your pictures.

Thank you. So many times.

Thank you.

And she's not just
another fan, Adam.

I mean, Barbara here is
quite a talented little Thespian.

I wish you could've been
here three weeks ago.

She had the lead
in My Fair Lady,

and everybody said it was
better than on Broadway.

Four curtain calls she got.

I mean, I cried.

It was so thrilling.
It was really great.

Marvelous.

I wish I had seen it.

Was it in a local theater?

No. In the
auditorium, at school.

Well! Isn't this cozy.

Well, the whole family
is here... practically.

Yes, if only my sister was here.

Harry? Harry? What?

Could I see you for a
moment... In the kitchen?

Well, I want to
make Adam a drink.

No, I don't want a drink, Harry.

He doesn't want a drink, Harry.

I thought your last
film was fantastic.

As a matter of fact, I...

I wrote you a letter.

I don't suppose you
even got it personally.

Harry, Harry, don't you
know what you've done?!

I think he was getting
interested in her,

and now you've ruined a
terrific opportunity for my sister.

I don't understand you.

I just don't understand you.

You're dreaming.

Do you know that?

Jean's last boyfriend
worked in a gas station,

and he threw her
over for a car hop.

Now, what... what
makes you think

the biggest movie star in
Hollywood would be interested in her?

Stranger things have happened.

Now, my sister, who
is a talented little girl,

and if she gets the opportunity

to talk to a guy who can
help her in her career...

Oh, for pity's sake, Harry,
she was in a school play!

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy, that was a rotten
thing you did, Harry, you know it?

What? What? What?

Inviting Barbara over here!

She's ruining everything!

She is inside there now
reciting My Fair Lady!

She's boring him
out of his mind.

Oh, no! Oh, yes!

♪ Oh! Wouldn't it be loverly? ♪

♪ All I want is a
room somewhere ♪

♪ Far away from
the cold night air ♪

I don't believe it.

♪ With one enormous chair ♪

♪ Oh! Wouldn't it be loverly? ♪

Wasn't that beautiful!

Oh, w-wasn't that
beautiful, Adam?

I mean, every time
she sings that song,

something just
catches in my throat.

Mine, too.

Yes, it was very nice.

Oh, well, she's quite
wonderful, really.

Another Shirley Temple.

It's too bad they
aren't producing

the Our Gang comedies
anymore... she'd be a natural.

Well, Barbara,

dear, don't you think
it's getting a little late?

I mean, isn't it
past the curfew?

Curfew? Well, there hasn't
been a curfew in town for years...

Ever since you were a girl.

Girls, girls.

Barbara, have you
had your dinner yet?

No, just a snack,
like you told me t...

What?

No, I mean, I haven't eaten.

Well, we were just
about to have dinner.

Why don't you join us?

Harry.

But, Harry, don't you
think that Barbara might be

a little uncomfortable
eating with the adults?

I mean, after all,
she's just a C-H-I-L-D.

She probably has a lot of
H-O-M-E-W-O-R-K to do.

Jean... Jean's been
around her cats so long,

she's starting to act like one.

Please, Barbara?

Girls... Yes, dear,

or I shall wash your
mouth out with S-O-A-P.

Girls, girls... Harry, uh,

Harry, I wonder if I could talk
to you privately for a minute.

We haven't settled
that stamp deal,

and this might be a
good chance to do it.

Why don't we
talk in the kitchen.

Would you excuse us, girls?

Barbara.

Harry, I have to
have a talk with you.

I have just as much right
to be here as you have.

More.

Listen, Adam,

there's no problem
about the-the stamps.

Whatever you think
is fair... book value.

I'm not gonna
bargain with a friend.

Listen, Harry, I didn't
want to talk to you

about the stamps. Oh.

Oh, you were
bothered by the girls.

Well, they fight a little.

I mean, it don't mean
anything. No, no, no.

I mean, actually, let's
face it, you are a star.

I mean, it's a big thing with
us. Of course. I understand.

And while we're leveling,

you see, what happened was,

my wife called her
sister to meet you,

and I called my sister,
and neither one of us knew.

Harry, yes, I gathered that.

I got that part. You did?

You did. Hey, you're
pretty sharp, you know that?

I bet this kind of thing
happens to you all the time.

Harry, listen, what I wanted
to talk about is your sister.

She is really cute.

I mean, she is a doll, man!

Well, yeah, isn't she, though?

And I mean, she's talented,
too, don't you think so?

Yes, possibly, she
might do very well.

Gee, Adam, it's good
to hear you say that.

Harry, I wouldn't mention this,

but you're a
swinging guy, right?

Well, you know it.

I mean, we established
that fact back in Chicago.

I mean, just because
I'm from a small town,

well, I'll tell you how I feel.

Everybody thinks
the world is going wild,

but I feel like it's just
catching up to me.

Yeah, right! I mean,
there's a lot of things

even the Kiwanis don't
know about me, you dig?

Right, right.

Harry, that's why I
feel free to say this...

You're a man of the world.

Exactly. You couldn't
put it any better.

Right. When I
leave here tonight,

I'm gonna fly directly to Palm
Springs to a golf tournament.

Now, I, um, hate to go
to those things alone, dig?

And you want me to go along?

Well, well, sure, I
don't see why not.

Uh, there's nothing
keeping me here.

I mean, I-I could caddie
for you. No, no, listen, Harry,

what I was thinking... do you
think your sister would like to go?

My sister?

She don't even play golf.

M-Maybe she'd like
to go along for the trip.

I could show her a good
time, introduce her to some

very important people,
kind of get her around.

It might be good for her career.

And, Harry, um, I
really dig that girl.

Well, uh, you're coming
back the same day.

No, the golf
tournament is three days.

Three days? Yeah.

Harry, you're not
shocked, are you?

A swinger...

Well, no, no, no.

I mean, it's just
that I didn't know

you liked her that well.

I mean, well, you know, I guess

the only thing to
do is check with her.

I don't know what her plans are.

Of course she belongs to
the camera club at school.

Sometimes they meet on Saturday.

I mean, the French
club might go to the zoo.

Well, Harry, if, um,

if I'm out of line
now, in any way,

Oh, no, no. No,
no. just tell me...

Look, we'd better
go back in, huh?

Great.

I don't care.

You'd better watch
your language.

Oh, say there,
through all ready?

The stamp deal all fixed?

Shall I put the
steaks on now, Harry?

What? Oh, yeah, why don't you?

Just put on three.

Three?

Yeah, you see, uh,

Barbara probably has to go

and do her H-O-M-E-

W-O-R-K, huh?

Harry, you said I
could stay for dinner.

Oh, well, I was just kidding.

I mean, you
wouldn't be interested

in all this grownup talk.

I mean, you still
are a C-H-I-L-D.

So, why don't you

just run along. But Harry!

Adam will probably
send you a picture.

You know, one of
those big 8x10 glossies

with his autograph on it.

Won't that be nice?

But I don't, but...

Harry, what's going on?

Nothing. Harry,

Nothing. you're not forgetting

about the golf
tournament? Oh, no.

No.

What is this all about?

What is going on here?

Nothing.

Well, it's just that, uh...

Adam's going to a golf
tournament in Palm Springs.

And he says he'll get
lonesome going there alone.

Well, I could go with him.

What?

What?

Hey, that's a good idea.

Jean can go.

Harry.

Well, sure, I've never
been to Palm Springs.

Jean, you can't go to Palm
Springs with him alone.

Well, Phyllis,

why don't you come
along to chaperone.

Harry.

Oh, Harry, could
I? Could I? Could I?

If you two are
going, I get to go, too.

Well, now wait a minute.

Yeah, wait a minute.

If you're all going,
then I'm going, too.

Hey, let's all go, huh?

Um, Harry, Harry...
Wouldn't that be great?

Harry, Harry!

Please, Harry, this
is getting ridiculous.

I was just putting you
on about that other thing.

About what other thing?

Oh, you mean Barbara?

You mean you didn't
want to take her up to...

No, I didn't, I
was just kidding.

Well, Adam,

you, you think she
has talent, don't you?

I mean, she hasn't sung
in a couple of weeks,

and she's a little rusty.

Do "Get Me To The
Church On Time."

Harry, Harry, please, listen.

Harry, I have to leave now.

I have to leave.

So you just send me the stamps.

I'll mail you a check. You just
let me know how much they are.

But dinner, you
haven't had dinner.

Well, that's all right.

I'm really not very hungry.

And I have,

I have a rehearsal very
early in the morning.

So if you'll just forgive me

I-I just want to say what
a great pleasure it was

being with all of
you people tonight.

And Barbara, you
keep up that singing.

It's just marvelous.

Good night.

Good night.

What was that?

I don't know.

He seemed upset by something.

You know what I think?

I think... he is a
hollow, empty shell

full of neurotic
conflicts, like all of them.

Sure was peculiar.

The way he just... left.

I think there was too
many people here.

It got him uptight.

And what did you mean by that?

Some people were invited...

and some weren't.

Oh?

Others were invited
and others weren't.

Listen, are you referring to me?

Well, if the shoe fits, dearie.

Or I should say booty.

Now, look here now!
Let me tell you one thing.

Don't start... what she did.

I swear, honey.

All we're going to do
is see the etchings.

Hi, we're the Etchings.

I'm Fern and this is Lamar.

Hi, Lamar.

Hi.

My husband is out
of town for two weeks.

I'll be all alone here.

Really? Two weeks? Uh-huh.

Well, let's see, then...
For both those weeks,

you'll need two
less quarts of milk

and one less butter.