Original subtitles

Oh, it fits! It fits!

Fantastic.

Now, would you be kind enough to come back to the castle,

pick up your rotten pumpkin

and get rid of those rats you left running around?

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love... ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

three separate views of love, American style:

The extraordinary habits of ordinary folks,

a flower child who offers more than she's expected

but less than she's asked,

and our first story, about the shape of a young man's career,

which we call "Love and the Nervous Executive."

Right in here, Grisdale.

Thank you, Mr. Dunlap.

Well, from now on, all this is yours.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate

your faith in me, Mr. Dunlap.

And I'll live up to it.

Good talking.

Now look, you just do the same job up here

you were doing down stairs,

some day you'll have my office.

Oh, Mr. Dunlap.

We wanted to promote you for some time,

but we couldn't find a spot for you.

Then when Mr. Williams started to slow up...

Well, of course we had to be discreet.

After all, Mr. Willingham started with this firm

when it was first founded.

He was the backbone of the company.

Yes, I think it's safe to say that Dunlap, Carter and Quincy

just would not have been the same

without Mr. Willingham.

So you, uh, pushed him upstairs?

Shoved him right out.

There's no room for deadwood at Dunlap, Carter and Quincy.

I see.

A man like you doesn't have to worry.

No sir.

Why, you're probably one of the most productive,

effective young men who's ever come to work for us.

Well, thank you, sir.

I can't wait to see the job you're going to do for us here.

Well, frankly, I don't think I'll let you down, Mr. Dunlap.

In fact, I've got some ideas already.

Good.

Now if you want anything, you just let me know.

Now these are direct lines

to our out-of-town plants.

There's the rundown of our current contracts and orders.

This is a button for your secretary.

That's going to be my most important asset.

Your secretary?

Yes, after sharing a girl with four other offices,

my own secretary is going to be a real boon.

Could increase my productivity

by at least 15%.

Oh, do you mind if I push the button now

just to see what it feels like?

No, no, not at all.

Personnel said they were sending a girl up.

This might be a good time to meet her.

Yes, sir, by at least 15% and maybe even 20.

Oh, good talking.

Oh... Yes, sir?

This is your new boss. Mr. Grisdale.

How do you do?

I'm Miss Pruitt. Angela Pruitt.

Uh, Miss Pruitt, I think it only fair to warn you,

Mr. Grisdale here is a tough taskmaster.

He won't stand for any delays or excuses.

So, as soon as you hear your buzzer,

you'd better be ready to, uh, hop to.

Yes, sir.

Will there be anything else?

Will there be anything else?

She wants to know if you want something else.

That'll be all, Miss Pruitt.

Thank you.

Well, I imagine you're ready to get started.

Huh?

You know, get started, uh, dig in, grab hold.

Oh, yeah, well, we'll run the old ball

up the flagpole and see who salutes.

Yes.

Now here are a couple of things

I want you to get right on top of.

Now, see here's the, uh, the Fairmont contract,

the Kraftcam job and the Birdwell order.

Check.

I can't tell you how delighted I am

to see this job in the hands of a bright-eyed,

clear-headed, young man like you.

Our profit margin won't know what's hit it.

Thank you, sir.

Mm... hmm.

"Fairmont Manufacturing Company, hereafter known as..."

Uh, Miss Pruitt, would you bring in the Fairmont file, please?

Here you are, Mr. Grisdale.

Thank you, Miss...

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry,

it was my fault, I'll get it.

I guess I wasn't looking at what I was doing.

Mr. Grisdale, let me see.

It's all right, I'm all right.

It's all right, I've got it. That'll be all, Miss Pruitt.

But...

Everything's under control.

Yes, sir.

Personnel?

Grisdale here.

Look, Johnston, what-what's the big idea?

That secretary you sent me, that's what I mean.

What's wrong with her?

Well, you take one look at her, you know she's not a secretary.

You ever see a secretary with a face like that?

A body that won't quit and legs out of this world.

Exactly.

When I want a secretary,

I want somebody that takes shorthand and types.

Not a mini-skirted go-go dancer.

No, no, I don't know how many words she takes a minute.

Probably three.

All right, all right, I'll try her.

But believe me,

if she doesn't measure up to my needs, out she goes.

I'm trying to run a business office here,

not a resort for Playboy bunnies.

Miss Pruitt, would you step in here, please?

And bring your pad.

Sit down, please.

I want you to kiss a letter.

What?

I mean, take a letter.

Penbrook Manufacturing Company,

311 West Fourth Street,

Valley Hills, Arkansas. Dear sir.

In reference to your January 19 letter,

the agitator plugs for the transmission sockets

are reversible rotaries with galvanized pistons.

On the other hand,

the carburetor gaskets with the cam shaft forks

will have thermostatic synchronizers.

Would you read that back, please?

Penbrook Manufacturing Company, 311 West Fourth Street,

Valley Hills, Arkansas. Dear sir.

In reference to your January 19 letter,

the agitator plugs for the transmission sockets

are reversible rotaries

with galvanized pistons.

On the other hand,

the carburetor gaskets...

Miss Pruitt, that doesn't make any sense.

I know, but that's what you said.

It is?

Never mind, I'll dictate it later.

Will that be all, sir? Yes.

Oh, Miss Pruitt, um...

I wonder if you could type up three copies of this.

And, uh, I'll need it before lunch.

Before lunch?

Of course, if you think you can't handle it,

I can get somebody else.

Oh, no, it's just that I'm unfamiliar with my machine.

I understand.

Why can't I get a break?

To expedite shipment of the Chadwick order,

it is hereby suggested that...

Yes?

It is hereby suggested that we...

we utilize the IBM.

Yes?

Uh, this came by special messenger.

Oh, yes.

Oh, wait, it could require an answer.

Ouch!

Mr. Grisdale.

Could you let me have a few more days on inventory?

I know I'm a week behind with you,

but I'm two weeks behind with Mr. Carter.

Thank you, sir. Good-bye.

Okay, Mr. Carter, I'll have it to you by Friday.

Yes, sir.

Good-bye.

Oh, Mr. Dunlap.

Grisdale...

Why hasn't the Lockwood order gone into production?

The Lockwood order?

It was supposed to go out three days ago.

Mr. Lockwood just called me personally.

I don't understand it.

I told him to start on it the moment I gave him the word.

Did you give them the word?

Charlie, start.

Grisdale, is anything wrong?

Is something troubling you?

Oh, not at all, sir, I'm just breaking into the job.

I see.

Well, look, while I'm here,

I'd like your copy of the Wentworth production schedule.

There have been some changes.

Right away.

It, uh, should be right here, sir.

I was going over it this morning.

Here, could you hold these?

Gosh, that's funny.

Here it is.

In the wastebasket.

Must have slipped off my desk.

Oh, don't worry, Mr. Dunlap.

I always check the wastebasket before I leave.

Here, I'll take these.

Grisdale, are you sure you're ready for this job?

Oh, yes, sir.

I mean, you talk a good game.

I'm just working out the bugs, sir.

I'll have it cold in a day or two.

I hope so.

If not, I've been talking to your predecessor Mr. Willingham.

Now, he's moving into a senior citizen community

in St. Petersburg, but he's willing to come back here

if we need him.

That won't be necessary, Mr. Dunlap.

I hope not.

I certainly hope not.

That does it.

A 38-year-old,

and I'm about to be replaced by a senior citizen.

Only one thing to do.

It's either her or me.

Miss Pruitt, could you step in here a moment, please?

Yes, sir?

Uh, Miss Pruitt...

Uh, sit down, please.

Miss Pruitt, you've been my secretary now for two weeks.

And, uh, I've never known a better one.

Thank you, Mr. Grisdale.

Your shorthand is fantastic.

Your typing is marvelous.

But, uh, I'm going to have to let you go.

Let me go?

Yes, you see, Miss Pruitt, you, uh, disturb me.

Oh!

What-what, what's wrong, Miss Pruitt?

This just keeps happening to me.

I've lost eight jobs in the last five months.

Eight?

I try to be the best secretary I can,

but that's never enough.

My bosses always get disturbed,

and then when they make a pass at me,

and I reject them, they fire me.

Miss Pruitt...

I can't afford to lose another job, Mr. Grisdale.

Somehow you seem different.

But if my job depends on it,

I'm yours.

Oh, no, Miss Pruitt,

you don't seem to understand.

Please don't let me go.

I just can't face losing another job again.

All right, Miss Pruitt, all right, all right.

It's not my fault I disturb you.

I know, I know.

I just happen to look this way.

I guess I ate right as a kid or something.

Miss Pruitt, you don't have to apologize.

I just have to get ahold of myself

and stop behaving in this juvenile manner.

Then you'll keep me?

For the time being.

Oh, Mr. Grisdale, I could kiss you.

No, we've got to behave like two adults.

I'm a man, you're a woman,

and I don't have to keep reminding myself of the fact.

Now let's clean off this desk,

and before they dust off old Willingham

and bring him out of retirement.

Here, file this.

Send this to shipping and receiving.

You can put this through,

and I'll need five copies of this.

Gee, some of this print is awfully small.

Can you make it out at all?

Not very well.

Let me put on my glasses.

You wear glasses?

Yes, I just got them.

"In the event

that the deadline is met..."

M-Miss Pruitt.

Yes?

Those glasses...

they, uh, they do something for you.

You see, Mr. Dunlap, if we put the assembly line

here instead of here,

it would enable us to include the housing operation,

which should speed up production by five seconds per unit.

Good talking.

I, uh, have some notes on the machine shop

if you'd care to see them.

Of course. Of course.

Miss Pruitt, would you bring in the notes

on the Perth-Amboy factory, please?

I've got to admit, Grisdale,

I like the way you've taken over.

Well, thank you.

But you sure had me worried those first two weeks.

Worried, Mr. Dunlap?

Well, important papers in your wastebasket.

Your desk like a pigsty.

Just my way of breaking in.

Well, whatever it is,

we're going to make it part of executive training.

No, this idea alone will pay for itself.

Oh, thank you.

What happened to

the girl you had two weeks ago?

Well, you know, with the turnover in help these days...

Oh, that's too bad.

I thought she was rather sexy.

Really? I never noticed.

Here are the notes that I mentioned.

Oh, good, good. I'll look them over tonight.

Well, Grisdale, see you in the morning.

Good night, Mr. Dunlap.

And keep up the good work.

Oh, yes, sir.

That'll be all, Miss...

Pruitt.

It's 5:00.

Thank goodness.

Would it disturb you if I took off my glasses now?

Oh, I hope so.

We're on our, uh... own time now.

You busy tonight?

Same fella?

Yes.

You've seen him every night this week.

Yes, I hear he's a rising young executive.

And I hear he owes it all to the help of his beautiful secretary.

You say the sweetest things.

Oh, Mr. Grisdale.

Oh, Miss Pruitt.

Don't be silly, Mary.

I do not tell people

I married the stupidest woman in the world.

Now forget it.

And please lower the radio.

Well, here we are.

Hmm, wow.

It's really out of sight.

Yeah. Well, this is where it all happens.

What?

Uh, my life.

Far out.

You know, it... it really is nice.

It's warm, too.

Yeah. You know, you're lucky you got a ride with me.

Hitchhiking can be dangerous you know.

Anybody can get a driver's license.

You never know what evil's

lurking behind the steering wheel.

They're just people, man.

I mean, people are people, right?

Yeah.

Some people are people,

and some people are weird.

I'll be right back.

Hey, Tom?

Tom. Tom!

Huh? What?

You're not going to believe this.

I was driving home tonight,

and I picked up this chick who was hitchhiking, right?

And she says she has no place to stay tonight.

So I said why don't you stay with me?

She says groovy.

So, I told her she could stay over here tonight.

Oh, okay, that's cool.

No, no, you don't understand.

She's going to sack in here with me.

You know, I hope.

So I told her she could sleep in your bed.

Oh, great, send her in.

No, no, no, Tom. You don't understand.

It's a sure thing.

Look, she's a hitchhiker, right?

Uh-huh? So why don't you go up to Herbie's

tonight and stay there? He's away for the weekend.

What's she look like?

She's kind of a hippie type.

That figures.

What do you expect me to pick up,

a governor's daughter hitchhiking?

It's really not fair.

Come on, Tom, I'd do it for you anytime.

Okay, then how about right now?

You go stay at Herbie's.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, cousin.

Come on. Let's go.

That's it. There you go.

Pleasant dreams.

Who was that?

Oh, yeah, him?

Yeah, well, he's a...

he's the guy that lives upstairs, yeah.

And he, um, he's a sleepwalker

and sometimes he ends up down here in this apartment.

Out of sight.

It's like something out of a Fellini movie.

Yeah. Are you hungry? You want something to eat?

Yeah, do you have any organic foods?

I don't know. Let's see what the old cooler has, huh?

Well... it's all yours.

Oh, wow, you've got a lot of poison in there.

Don't you care about your health?

Well, there's enough preservatives and cholesterol

in there to wipe out an entire city.

Don't you have any health foods?

Well, I... tuna fish and bologna

is not exactly a war weapon.

I mean, and they are healthy.

Okay, it's your life.

I just wish I had a nice dish of fresh seaweed around.

Seaweed? Hmm.

Well, every forkful contains

twice the daily requirements

of vitamin A, B, B plus, C and G.

Plus a full compliment of calcium, iron and protein.

If you can keep it down.

Listen, Earl, I... I mean, it's really

nice of you to let me crash here.

And, like, I don't want to offend you,

because you're really a nice guy.

But, uh...

I have this thing about meat.

And, like, well, you know, we're all one family.

The family of creatures.

And creatures shouldn't eat creatures.

No, uh...

well, how about an egg, huh?

I'm sorry, but, uh, that egg

could have been a chicken, you know?

Yeah, but it also could have been an unhappy chicken.

Well, uh...

would you, um, like some wine?

I mean, you do drink liquids, don't you?

Just water. Just water.

I haven't had any wine since the grape strike.

Oh, got plenty of water.

Do you have any spring water? No.

Oh, I mean, tap water is polluted, man.

Didn't you know that?

No. Hmm.

Well, I'll just have a piece of cheese and an apple.

A piece of cheese and an apple coming up.

Hi. Hi.

What are you doing, getting ready for bed?

No, no, I just thought I'd change

into something more comfortable.

You want to hear some good music, huh? Oh, yeah.

I've got a real good outfit.

I've got some really good speakers.

I've got a good tuner,

and here, see, I even got some earphones, too.

Oh, groovy. I love them.

Yeah, well, put them on.

I'll start it right here.

What's wrong? What's the matter?

Oh, it sounds like a train wreck.

Oh, well, that's because I had

the demonstration record on.

What's your trip, Earl?

My...? Oh, oh, yeah.

Well, at the moment, I'm in sales promotion

for the Morton Tool and Die Company.

That's what you do? Yeah.

And that's your thing?

Well, yeah. I mean, somebody has to do it.

What would the world be without tool and die makers?

Oh, it'd be a better place to live in, man.

It'd be a better place to live in.

Wow, what a drag!

It's the tool and die people of the world

who have gotten us into all of this.

Into all of what?

Smog, pollution, suburbs,

over population, DDT, unemployment,

war, poverty, racism,

inflation, you name it.

Name it?

There's nothing left.

Wow, there's, there's love, man.

There's L-O-V-E love.

You've got to learn about love, Earl.

Yeah, well, I'm sure going to try.

I'm really a good student.

Well, the first thing you've got to do,

you've got to learn how to relax.

You're too uptight.

Oh, yeah, well, I'm just dying to relax.

Why don't you come lie down on the rug next to me?

Lie down? Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.

Wow. Huh?

This rug is really out of sight.

Yeah, yeah, it's authentic llama.

Llama? Yeah.

What's the matter?

You have dead animals on your floor?

Man, that's barbaric.

Would you rather lay down on a live llama?

Oh, please, couldn't you put it somewhere?

Just for now?

I mean, it really brings me down.

Well, I don't want to bring you down.

I don't want to put you on a bummer,

but it's just I... I have this thing about meat.

Yeah, I know, I know. It's, uh...

We're just all one big family.

It's gone.

It's out of sight.

Oh, listen, Earl, I really don't want to hassle you.

I mean, it's so nice of you to let me crash here.

I-I think I ought to split.

No, Tippy, no, wait a minute.

It's just that, you know, we're strangers.

It takes a little time.

What sign are you?

I'm Gemini, brilliant and erotic... erratic.

You know, that's not too bad.

I'm Leo. Oh.

You know, if you had a Cancer cusp,

that could really be groovy.

Oh, well, I'm sure I have a Cancer cusp.

I asked somebody about that once.

I think that underneath it all,

you're really an okay guy.

And, you know, I believe in people.

Yeah, so do I. I believe in people, too,

and don't forget the animals, our brothers.

Oh, yeah, I just love animals. Yes.

Aren't they groovy? So do I, yeah.

I mean, I'm getting rid of that rug tomorrow.

Earl, can I kiss you?

Sure.

Oh, wow, I'm really not ready for you.

You're really freaking me out.

Sorry, uh...

You're just so uptight.

Yeah, well, I know.

Well, I'd really like to communicate with you, Tippy.

I mean, I really would.

I'm sure we could bridge the gap that separates us,

you know, in food, philosophy and hygiene.

I'd just really like to get to know you.

Well, okay, if you're really sincere.

Oh, yes, Scout's honor. Okay.

Do what I'm doing, then.

What is this, like Simon Says?

Just sit in this position. Oh.

We're going to take a trip. Oh.

We're going to make that

cosmic journey that will unite us.

I'd really like to, but couldn't we go in a different way?

No, just sit facing me,

and put your legs in this position.

Put this leg up here. Oh.

Ooh, um...

And now we're going to go someplace together.

Couldn't we go lying down?

Now just close your eyes

and take a deep breath and chant the syllables,

Nomio hari en geckio. Nomio hari en geckio.

Hey, uh, no, I don't... Nomio hari en geckio.

Nomio hari en geckio. Nomio hari en geckio.

Nomio hari en geckio.

No, listen... Nomio hari en geckio.

Nomio hari en geckio. No, you have to...

Nomio hari en geckio. Nomio hari en geckio.

You okay?

Oh, yeah.

Just beautiful.

And him?

He's never been more together.

He's never been more asleep, either.

He's with Buddha.

Just let him be.

I've got to go.

Hey, listen, will we see you again?

Where you headed?

I don't know.

I don't know either, but I'll take you there.

Okay.

If you don't like my cooking, Webster, just don't eat it.

Hey, Harry! Harry!

Honey! Harry!

Harry, hurry up! Come on.

Oh, will you look at the way that man moves.

It's like a sick turtle.

How can you live with a person like that? Well, I'm used to it.

I tell you, I couldn't stand it for a second.

It's bad enough being his sister-in-law,

but if I was married to him I would go

right out of my mind.

Harr...

Harry, will you come in, please?

Phyllis has something to tell you.

Hi, Phyl, what's up? Well...

Adam West called!

What?

Adam West, the movie star.

Well, you said you knew him, didn't you?

Well, yeah, yeah, I met him at the stamp convention in Chicago.

Well, well, Adam West called you.

He called you here, and he wants you to call back before 5:00.

And it's five minutes to 5:00, so get on that phone.

Well, did he leave a number?

Of course he left a number. Here it is, right here.

It's getting a little late, Jean.

Don't you have to go back and feed your cats or something?

Are you kidding?

Do you think that I would leave here

when you are just about ready to call Adam West?

You are out of your mind.

I have been waiting here for a half hour for you just to get home.

He called 30 minutes ago? Well, about 20 minutes ago.

You have four minutes left.

Are you going to make this call or aren't you?

Yeah, yeah. Give it to me. Oh!

Where are you going? Where are you going, Harry?

Where are you going? I am going to the den!

To the den? It is quieter in there.

Oh, no, you don't!

You are not going to make that call in the den.

We want to hear what you're saying.

Make the call. Look, it's 3:00 in California.

I still have two hours.

No, no, no, dear. He said call at 5:00 our time.

Now come on.

I have to be honest with you, Phyl.

You know, I really didn't think that Harry had met Adam West.

Oh, I figured he might have seen him,

but I thought he built the whole thing up in his mind.

Shh. Shh.

Hello?

Uh, this is Mr. Briggs.

I had a call from Mr. West.

Yes, thank you.

And Harry, ask to speak to him personally.

No secretary, nothing like that. Shh!

Hello, Adam?

Adam?

Yeah, Harry, right.

Yeah, yeah. How you doing?

Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, I still have 'em.

Really?

Oh, really?

Harry, what's he saying? What? What? What?

Ask for an autographed picture for me with his name on it.

Shh! Shh! Shh!

I see.

Yeah, that'll be fine.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Certainly.

No trouble.

Yeah, sure.

Right, right.

Good-bye.

What?! Harry, what did he say?

What did he sound like? Was he gorgeous!

What? What? What? Will you, please?

He's interested in these zeps I have, these stamps,

and he said he might come out to see them sometime.

Here? When?

In this town here? Adam West here?

When? When? He said he'd call.

Oh, Harry, promise me, you will let me know if he decides to call you?

Harry... All right, all right, don't worry.

Oh, because, Harry, Harry, if I could just talk to him once I would die.

I mean, I would absolutely die.

Then I will be sure to let you know. Oh, Harry.

Well, then, listen kids.

I've got to be running along.

The cats are probably starved by now.

But promise me, Harry, please, promise me. Yes, yes.

Harry, please don't forget to call me

if he decides to drop by, right? All right.

Adam West, whoo!

Bye, kids.

Listen, he is coming here tonight.

What? Yes, yes.

What? What?

What? What?

Adam West is coming here tonight.

He is?

Yes, he's coming here tonight.

Well, why didn't you say so before?

Because I didn't want Jean to know. Why not?

Because, because she is a buttinski.

She'd take over. She'd monopolize him.

I don't want her around when Adam West is here.

But Harry, she's my sister.

Besides, she's a lovely person, and she's just dying to meet Adam West.

That is exactly why I don't want her here.

He is coming to see me, not her.

Well, I thought he was coming here to see the stamps.

Well, sure, he's coming to see the stamps, but he could buy those from someone else.

I mean, we really got close there in Chicago.

He's a sophisticated guy, I'm a sophisticated guy.

We dug each other.

So he's coming mainly because of me.

Well, maybe I ought to leave.

Oh, don't be silly.

He's coming to see both of us.

He wants to meet you.

I want you to meet him, and besides you have to cook.

What? What? We're going to have dinner here?

Not dinner... Not really dinner.

He said he was going to get right on his plane

and maybe we'd have a bite when he got here.

Nothing to worry about.

Oh, Harry, Harry, maybe we'd better take him out.

No! Are you out of your head?

Take him out for the whole town to see?

He is coming here to see us, not them.

Well, these hicks would go out of their heads.

They'd make fools out of themselves.

Oh...

You're lighting the filter, Harry. What?

Now here's what we'll do.

We'll have just a nice, quiet evening at home.

Right.

He's tired of all the crowds and the people and the fuss.

We'll have just a nice,

friendly, family evening.

Right.

Try some of the cheese, Adam.

The sausage is nice.

Maybe you'd like some caviar.

Thank you.

Hold it!

Don't put it in your mouth, Adam.

Just look over here and smile.

Got it.

Hey, that's gonna be a beaut.

Boy, the guys down at the office will turn green,

and the secretaries will go out of their minds.

Harry, these stamps are in great shape.

I think we can make a deal.

Oh, fine, fine.

Hey, Phyl, take one of me and Adam, huh?

Yeah.

What am I doing with this tray?

This looks silly.

Hon.

Well, that's all the pictures.

But I'm sorry, Adam,

we could never let you come here

without something for the old memory book.

Oh, that's... that's easy.

I don't know what you want for these,

but if you want to sell them, I'd like to buy them.

Well, we'll talk about it over dinner.

Hey, how about a drink?

No, thanks Harry, I'm flying.

Oh. Well, then I'll throw the steaks on in a minute.

I wonder who that could be.

Hi there, hi there, hi there!

I was just passing by on my way to the library.

I was wondering if you had any overdue books to return.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you had company.

Phyllis.

Jean, this is Adam West.

Adam, this is

my sister, Jean. How do you do, Jean.

Oh, how do you do?

You're the movie actor, aren't you?

I've enjoyed your work a great deal.

Thank you.

Well, I, uh, I guess I'd better be going.

Oh, Jean, we're just about

to have dinner, dear.

Wouldn't you like to stay and have a bite?

Phyllis... Phyllis...

Oh, no, I wouldn't want to horn in like that.

No, no, of course, please stay, Jean.

Oh, no, no, I couldn't do that.

Phyllis, could I see you for a minute?

You know, many people find it difficult to believe

that Phyllis and I are sisters.

All during school,

I was known as the pretty one.

Would you believe that?

What is she doing here?

Well, honey, you heard her.

She said she just stopped by on her way to the library.

Oh, don't give me that.

She doesn't dress like that to go to the library.

She's never dressed like that before in her life.

You told her that he was going to be here tonight.

Well, Harry, she is my sister.

Why can't she have a chance for a little happiness, too?

Chance for...

Chance for happiness? Chance for happiness?

Don't tell me that you got her over here because you thought

that he might be interested in her.

Stranger things have happened.

She's bright, she's pretty,

and he's single.

Oh, honey, did you see the way he looked at her?

Mm...

I think you've flipped.

You have very nice hands. Oh...

Oh, what's that on your little finger?

That knuckle looks funny.

I broke it playing football.

Aw...

You really do have green eyes.

I want you to get rid of her now.

How can I?

I don't know, but you got her over here.

Now you get her out!

Harry...

If she stays she'll ruin everything.

You know how she talks.

She'll bore him to death, and I'll never see him again.

Oh, sure you will.

Just sell him half the stamps.

Oh, you think he came just because of the stamps?

Well, that's not true. He likes me.

He thinks of me as a friend.

And you think of him as a god. Oh, oh...

You get rid of her, Phyllis.

Now, come on.

Yes! Yes! Oh, no!

Yes! JEAN: Marvelous.

Pardon me.

What are we laughing about?

Well, it's just that he's so funny.

And he's cute, too.

And he is a real person.

Yes, I am.

No, Adam, I mean it.

You know, most actors are just hollow, empty shells,

confused, mixed up,

a mass of neurotic conflicts.

Well, you read about it in all the magazines.

But you are real people.

Well, that's a... a real compliment, Adam.

You know, Jean don't like too many people,

and not too many people like Jean.

Jean, uh, if you're going to the library, you'd better hurry.

It closes in 15 minutes.

Harry.

Well, she said she was on her way to the library,

and we don't want to keep her.

Well, Jean, why don't you stay for dinner?

You can go to the library anytime.

Oh, that's very sweet of you.

Well, that-that's not really true, Adam.

You see, uh, the library is only open on Tuesdays and Thursdays,

and if she don't go tonight,

she'll have to wait until Thursday.

Harry.

And, besides, you know, it's five cents a day

for all those overdue books. That does add up.

Oh, Harry.

Well, um, do you really want me to stay?

Of course. Of course. No.

I mean, uh, no, we don't... mind.

Oh, fine.

I'll go put on the steaks.

It's a good thing Harry bought an extra one.

No, Phyl, Phyl, don't put on the steaks yet.

Why not?

Well, uh...

Oh, I'll get it.

No, that's all right, I'll get it.

Hi, Harry.

Why, Barbara, what are you doing here?

I thought I'd return your bowl to you, Phyllis.

Bowl? What bowl?

Well, this one... Don't you remember?

You gave me that chicken salad.

That was last Thanksgiving.

You have company. I'm sorry.

Oh, yes, we do.

We certainly do have company.

Um, Adam... Harry...

Adam, this is my sister, Barbara.

Barbara, this is Adam West.

How do you do? Oh.

Oh, hello.

Oh, what a thrill this is.

I've admired you for so long.

I've seen every one of your pictures.

Thank you. So many times.

Thank you.

And she's not just another fan, Adam.

I mean, Barbara here is quite a talented little Thespian.

I wish you could've been here three weeks ago.

She had the lead in My Fair Lady,

and everybody said it was better than on Broadway.

Four curtain calls she got.

I mean, I cried.

It was so thrilling. It was really great.

Marvelous.

I wish I had seen it.

Was it in a local theater?

No. In the auditorium, at school.

Well! Isn't this cozy.

Well, the whole family is here... practically.

Yes, if only my sister was here.

Harry? Harry? What?

Could I see you for a moment... In the kitchen?

Well, I want to make Adam a drink.

No, I don't want a drink, Harry.

He doesn't want a drink, Harry.

I thought your last film was fantastic.

As a matter of fact, I...

I wrote you a letter.

I don't suppose you even got it personally.

Harry, Harry, don't you know what you've done?!

I think he was getting interested in her,

and now you've ruined a terrific opportunity for my sister.

I don't understand you.

I just don't understand you.

You're dreaming.

Do you know that?

Jean's last boyfriend worked in a gas station,

and he threw her over for a car hop.

Now, what... what makes you think

the biggest movie star in Hollywood would be interested in her?

Stranger things have happened.

Now, my sister, who is a talented little girl,

and if she gets the opportunity

to talk to a guy who can help her in her career...

Oh, for pity's sake, Harry, she was in a school play!

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy, that was a rotten thing you did, Harry, you know it?

What? What? What?

Inviting Barbara over here!

She's ruining everything!

She is inside there now reciting My Fair Lady!

She's boring him out of his mind.

Oh, no! Oh, yes!

♪ Oh! Wouldn't it be loverly? ♪

♪ All I want is a room somewhere ♪

♪ Far away from the cold night air ♪

I don't believe it.

♪ With one enormous chair ♪

♪ Oh! Wouldn't it be loverly? ♪

Wasn't that beautiful!

Oh, w-wasn't that beautiful, Adam?

I mean, every time she sings that song,

something just catches in my throat.

Mine, too.

Yes, it was very nice.

Oh, well, she's quite wonderful, really.

Another Shirley Temple.

It's too bad they aren't producing

the Our Gang comedies anymore... she'd be a natural.

Well, Barbara,

dear, don't you think it's getting a little late?

I mean, isn't it past the curfew?

Curfew? Well, there hasn't been a curfew in town for years...

Ever since you were a girl.

Girls, girls.

Barbara, have you had your dinner yet?

No, just a snack, like you told me t...

What?

No, I mean, I haven't eaten.

Well, we were just about to have dinner.

Why don't you join us?

Harry.

But, Harry, don't you think that Barbara might be

a little uncomfortable eating with the adults?

I mean, after all, she's just a C-H-I-L-D.

She probably has a lot of H-O-M-E-W-O-R-K to do.

Jean... Jean's been around her cats so long,

she's starting to act like one.

Please, Barbara?

Girls... Yes, dear,

or I shall wash your mouth out with S-O-A-P.

Girls, girls... Harry, uh,

Harry, I wonder if I could talk to you privately for a minute.

We haven't settled that stamp deal,

and this might be a good chance to do it.

Why don't we talk in the kitchen.

Would you excuse us, girls?

Barbara.

Harry, I have to have a talk with you.

I have just as much right to be here as you have.

More.

Listen, Adam,

there's no problem about the-the stamps.

Whatever you think is fair... book value.

I'm not gonna bargain with a friend.

Listen, Harry, I didn't want to talk to you

about the stamps. Oh.

Oh, you were bothered by the girls.

Well, they fight a little.

I mean, it don't mean anything. No, no, no.

I mean, actually, let's face it, you are a star.

I mean, it's a big thing with us. Of course. I understand.

And while we're leveling,

you see, what happened was,

my wife called her sister to meet you,

and I called my sister, and neither one of us knew.

Harry, yes, I gathered that.

I got that part. You did?

You did. Hey, you're pretty sharp, you know that?

I bet this kind of thing happens to you all the time.

Harry, listen, what I wanted to talk about is your sister.

She is really cute.

I mean, she is a doll, man!

Well, yeah, isn't she, though?

And I mean, she's talented, too, don't you think so?

Yes, possibly, she might do very well.

Gee, Adam, it's good to hear you say that.

Harry, I wouldn't mention this,

but you're a swinging guy, right?

Well, you know it.

I mean, we established that fact back in Chicago.

I mean, just because I'm from a small town,

well, I'll tell you how I feel.

Everybody thinks the world is going wild,

but I feel like it's just catching up to me.

Yeah, right! I mean, there's a lot of things

even the Kiwanis don't know about me, you dig?

Right, right.

Harry, that's why I feel free to say this...

You're a man of the world.

Exactly. You couldn't put it any better.

Right. When I leave here tonight,

I'm gonna fly directly to Palm Springs to a golf tournament.

Now, I, um, hate to go to those things alone, dig?

And you want me to go along?

Well, well, sure, I don't see why not.

Uh, there's nothing keeping me here.

I mean, I-I could caddie for you. No, no, listen, Harry,

what I was thinking... do you think your sister would like to go?

My sister?

She don't even play golf.

M-Maybe she'd like to go along for the trip.

I could show her a good time, introduce her to some

very important people, kind of get her around.

It might be good for her career.

And, Harry, um, I really dig that girl.

Well, uh, you're coming back the same day.

No, the golf tournament is three days.

Three days? Yeah.

Harry, you're not shocked, are you?

A swinger...

Well, no, no, no.

I mean, it's just that I didn't know

you liked her that well.

I mean, well, you know, I guess

the only thing to do is check with her.

I don't know what her plans are.

Of course she belongs to the camera club at school.

Sometimes they meet on Saturday.

I mean, the French club might go to the zoo.

Well, Harry, if, um,

if I'm out of line now, in any way,

Oh, no, no. No, no. just tell me...

Look, we'd better go back in, huh?

Great.

I don't care.

You'd better watch your language.

Oh, say there, through all ready?

The stamp deal all fixed?

Shall I put the steaks on now, Harry?

What? Oh, yeah, why don't you?

Just put on three.

Three?

Yeah, you see, uh,

Barbara probably has to go

and do her H-O-M-E-

W-O-R-K, huh?

Harry, you said I could stay for dinner.

Oh, well, I was just kidding.

I mean, you wouldn't be interested

in all this grownup talk.

I mean, you still are a C-H-I-L-D.

So, why don't you

just run along. But Harry!

Adam will probably send you a picture.

You know, one of those big 8x10 glossies

with his autograph on it.

Won't that be nice?

But I don't, but...

Harry, what's going on?

Nothing. Harry,

Nothing. you're not forgetting

about the golf tournament? Oh, no.

No.

What is this all about?

What is going on here?

Nothing.

Well, it's just that, uh...

Adam's going to a golf tournament in Palm Springs.

And he says he'll get lonesome going there alone.

Well, I could go with him.

What?

What?

Hey, that's a good idea.

Jean can go.

Harry.

Well, sure, I've never been to Palm Springs.

Jean, you can't go to Palm Springs with him alone.

Well, Phyllis,

why don't you come along to chaperone.

Harry.

Oh, Harry, could I? Could I? Could I?

If you two are going, I get to go, too.

Well, now wait a minute.

Yeah, wait a minute.

If you're all going, then I'm going, too.

Hey, let's all go, huh?

Um, Harry, Harry... Wouldn't that be great?

Harry, Harry!

Please, Harry, this is getting ridiculous.

I was just putting you on about that other thing.

About what other thing?

Oh, you mean Barbara?

You mean you didn't want to take her up to...

No, I didn't, I was just kidding.

Well, Adam,

you, you think she has talent, don't you?

I mean, she hasn't sung in a couple of weeks,

and she's a little rusty.

Do "Get Me To The Church On Time."

Harry, Harry, please, listen.

Harry, I have to leave now.

I have to leave.

So you just send me the stamps.

I'll mail you a check. You just let me know how much they are.

But dinner, you haven't had dinner.

Well, that's all right.

I'm really not very hungry.

And I have,

I have a rehearsal very early in the morning.

So if you'll just forgive me

I-I just want to say what a great pleasure it was

being with all of you people tonight.

And Barbara, you keep up that singing.

It's just marvelous.

Good night.

Good night.

What was that?

I don't know.

He seemed upset by something.

You know what I think?

I think... he is a hollow, empty shell

full of neurotic conflicts, like all of them.

Sure was peculiar.

The way he just... left.

I think there was too many people here.

It got him uptight.

And what did you mean by that?

Some people were invited...

and some weren't.

Oh?

Others were invited and others weren't.

Listen, are you referring to me?

Well, if the shoe fits, dearie.

Or I should say booty.

Now, look here now! Let me tell you one thing.

Don't start... what she did.

I swear, honey.

All we're going to do is see the etchings.

Hi, we're the Etchings.

I'm Fern and this is Lamar.

Hi, Lamar.

Hi.

My husband is out of town for two weeks.

I'll be all alone here.

Really? Two weeks? Uh-huh.

Well, let's see, then... For both those weeks,

you'll need two less quarts of milk

and one less butter.