Original subtitles

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

three separate views of love, American style:

A new chapter on how to make love last...

a fiancé and a long-lost wife,

and our first story, about recapturing

love's first blush, called...

Hi!

What's the matter?

You'd never believe what's been happening.

I can't hear you, dear... You're talking to my shoulder.

Come on. I didn't mean to break down.

Come on.

Now, sit down.

All right, what's wrong?

The marriage.

Steve's and mine.

It's over. Over?

Well, you've only been married a month.

Well, maybe it's not over, but it's not perfect.

Oh, come on, tell Mother all about it.

That's what mothers are for you know.

Well, the problem is sex.

We've only been married one month,

and already we're watching all The Late Show.

What's that got to do with... you know?

We never used to watch all The Late Show.

For the first few weeks, when The Late Show came on,

Steve would turn off the TV.

Oh, I don't think I want to hear about that.

Then it got to the point where I'd turn off the TV.

Holly!

The past few nights,

I've turned off the TV and Steve's turned it back on!

Oh, well, dear, you can't judge a man by a few Late Shows.

But, Mother, it's not just The Late Shows.

It's everything.

Do you know he likes that stupid filing cabinet

better than he likes me?

You don't mean that he's, uh... strange?

No.

But he used to come home and paw me while I fixed dinner.

Now he paws that stupid filing cabinet.

Oh, well, after all, dear,

Steve's a lawyer.

He's got to keep files.

Does he have to keep files on every whiplash case

in New York City for the past three years?

Oh, you're exaggerating.

Broken down into two categories...

With and without neck braces.

And it's not just law files, Mother.

It's... he keeps files on everything.

He has the score of every bridge game he has ever played.

No!

Look it up.

It, it's right next to the file

where he keeps a complete record of his weight.

He keeps a file on his weight, too?

Ever since he was 103 pounds.

Hi.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Steve.

Honey.

Hello.

Well, I think I'd better be going.

Ooh! I almost forgot.

Guess what I bought today?

I hope it's a dirty book.

How about that?

What is it?

A label maker.

Look.

See? "Holly."

Aww.

Isn't that good?

I'll stick it on my forehead so I won't forget who I am.

It's just what I need

to really get my files in order.

Well, I-I must be running along.

Bye, Mom!

Bye, Steve.

Oh, call me tomorrow.

I will.

And, uh, good luck with, uh, you know.

Look at what you made me do.

Instead of "neck brace," I wrote "neck break"!

I'm sorry.

Steve?

Can I make a label?

All right, here.

Here.

Holly!

The Little Giant Label Maker

was not designed for words like that.

Oh, Steve,

I didn't marry a giant label maker

or a filing cabinet.

I married a kid who couldn't keep his hands off of me

and I want him back.

Holly...

Oh, Steve, everything's been so perfect.

Please, don't tell me it's over.

Over?

Nothing's over.

What do you want?

Romance, excitement.

A little craziness like the first night we met.

At Pepper's Bar?

Right! Why can't our marriage always

be like that?

Honey, we can't keep meeting at Pepper's Bar.

Why not?

Oh, I want our marriage to stay exciting,

like it was on our wedding night.

The marriage might live, but I'd be dead in six months.

Steve, listen.

Tonight, I want us to go back to the place we met.

I want us to pretend we don't know each other.

And you'll pick me up.

And then you'll try to take me back to your apartment,

just like the night we met.

And you'll say no, just like the night we met.

Oh, I don't know.

Tonight, you might just get lucky.

Well...

here I am.

Holly, I'm here.

What shall we do now?

Do I know you?

I'm the man who snores in your ear, remember?

You called me Holly!

I always call you Holly. It's your name.

But you're not supposed to know my name.

We haven't met yet.

I agreed to come here and pretend a little,

but this is ridiculous.

Oh, Steve, I want it to be just like the first night we met,

and you weren't supposed to go to the bar.

You were supposed to go to the exact place we met.

Holly, I am not setting foot in the ladies' room.

No on the ladies' room.

The first time was an honest mistake.

There were no names on the restroom doors,

just a picture of Lassie on one and Laddie on the other.

Which would you pick?

Don't you want to recreate exactly how we met?

Not at the risk of arrest.

I'll play some of this game with you,

but the ladie" room is out.

Oh, all right.

Excuse me, but I was sitting there.

That's tough, pal.

I just left it for a minute.

Finders keepers, losers weepers.

That's my seat!

Look, pal, I got 30 pounds on you.

You want to be a dragon?

No.

Excuse me.

You don't know me, but I was wondering

if you'd care to go home with me.

You're very aggressive.

Yeah.

Let's get out of here, huh?

My name's Holly Banks. What's yours?

W.C. Fields, let's go.

You're terribly cute,

but you've got awful manners.

Hey, pal.

You bugging this lady?

No, everything is all right.

It's fine. Holly,

I think we should leave.

But it's so early.

I want to leave.

Well, all right.

I guess there's no harm in,

in two people meeting in a place, like this.

There's just one thing.

And what one thing is that?

I'm not alone.

You're not alone? No.

Do you think you could find a date for Mary Agnes?

I'm Mary Agnes.

Who's that?

Mary Agnes.

I met her here tonight.

She's just like the Cynthia

we met on our first date, remember?

How could I ever forget?

I mean, you wouldn't expect me

just to run off and leave my friend.

No, I wouldn't expect that.

Couldn't you get a date for Mary Agnes?

You must have a lot of cute friends.

At the moment, I haven't a friend in the world.

I mean, if Mary Agnes can't get a date,

I don't think it's right for me to leave her.

Don't you think?

What I think would burn a hole in your stomach.

You said you were gonna do

exactly what we said we were...

All right, all right.

Mary Agnes needs a date.

I'll get Mary Agnes a date.

I'm sitting over there with a young lady in the gray dress.

She's a very nice-looking girl.

I thought maybe you'd like to take her

underground to a, to a film.

I've tried every guy in the place,

including the bartender and the doorman.

See, it's just like that first time with Cynthia.

I want to go now.

I want to go now more than anything else

I've ever wanted in my life.

Oh, all right.

Come on, Mary Agnes.

Come on, Mary Agnes?

Well, Steve, if, if you couldn't get her a date,

the least you can do is drive her home.

Do you mind if I make an observation?

You two aren't very good for each other.

I mean, you just met

and already you fight like you're married.

You're very observant.

I'm very sensitive.

That's what Miss Lovelorn said.

Miss Lovelorn said that?

Yeah, in her answer.

She said it was obvious that I was very sensitive.

That was very nice of her to say.

Maybe you read my letter?

I signed it "Bad Complexion,"

but it's clearing up now.

Um, Mary Agnes, uh,

I think you're a very nice girl.

And I just want you to know

that I don't usually let men pick me up like this.

Oh, you don't have to explain anything to me.

You've got clear skin.

You can do anything.

Steve, maybe you better take me home first.

What?

Well, I mean, as long as, as Mary Agnes

lives in Brooklyn, it just seems easier if you drop me off first.

Drop you?

Okay, that's it.

This is the end of the line.

What are you talking about?

Holly, as long as we're acting single for the night,

then I'm going to be single.

If I dated a girl when I was single

and she gave me trouble, I'd cut out.

Holly, I'm cutting out!

Here, take this.

This'll get you home, wherever that may be.

Steve Bancroft...

you'll be sorry.

Holly, you're the biggest ding-a-ling

I've ever met in my life.

He gets like that sometimes.

It's really nothing.

She's not coming home.

She probably jumped in a cab and ran home to mother.

Huh! One fight, and she runs home to mother.

Hmm, I better call to make sure she ran home to mother.

Hello?

Oh, uh, hi, Mom. It's Steve. Is Holly there?

I don't know.

No.

What's wrong?

Oh, it was a big mix-up... She wouldn't let me

pick her up at the bar, and then she got mad,

and I wouldn't go to the ladies' room,

and then I refused to drive Mary Agnes home.

Imagine that.

Look, I'm sorry I bothered you. Go back to sleep.

Good night. Good night.

Where is she?

Why didn't she run home to mother?

Wow, she sure was mad at me.

Probably waiting in the bar

for me to go back and pick her up. Ha!

I hope she's still in that bar.

Mother? Mother?

Who?! What? Hey!

Mother, it's me, Holly.

Oh. Holly.

What time is it?

After 1:00.

Oh, you're awfully late.

Now, Holly, I... Mother.

Oh, I forgot, you don't live here anymore.

What's wrong?

Mother, it was just terrible.

What was?

Steve and I had a fight in a bar.

Oh, that's right, he wouldn't go

to the ladies' room.

How did you know that?

Well, he just called up here a while ago.

Steve did? What did he say?

He was looking for you.

Oh, well, then he must be home!

Oh...

Where else would he go?

He didn't go to those places when he was single.

I'll bet he went back to Pepper's Bar to pick me up.

Thanks, Mother. Good night.

Mary Agnes, where's my wife?

Your wife? I don't know.

But your girlfriend left. Oh, where'd she go?

I don't know. Well, she must have said where she was going.

Hey, pal,

are you bothering the girls again?

Bug off, will you, mac?

Well, did she say she was gonna take a cab, or what?

I don't know, really. She just left.

Well, she must have said something.

You know, you're beginning to annoy me.

Look, buddy, you're gonna get it in a minute.

You're gonna get it right now.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Really?

Oh... oh, Steve, Steve,

you did come back to pick me up.

Now I need somebody to pick me up.

Listen, listen, I was all wrong.

From now on, you can keep all the filing cabinets

and all the labelers you want.

I just want you.

Ooh.

Look, I was wrong, too.

From now on, no more Mr. Dull.

I'll make love to you anyplace you say.

Yankee Stadium, on top of the Empire State Building...

only don't kiss me like that.

Huh?

Well, until we get home, anyway.

♪ ♪

Well, what did you think I meant when I said I was a swinger?

Lamar, can't you forget for a minute you're a mechanic?

I loved the zoo this afternoon.

Yeah, I had a hunch you were a real zoo person.

You're not like those people who...

who think all animals look alike.

Oh, no, I think they're all very special.

Like the sloths.

You're the only other person I ever met that likes sloths.

I love sloths.

It's nice to be able to share that.

And the giant turtle.

I loved that.

A-And how about the okapi? Which one was that?

Well, that's the one with the funny name.

Oh, yeah, over by the anteater.

You know something about the anteater?

It's always been one of my favorites.

Mine, too!

I never told this to anybody,

but... the reason that I like to watch anteaters is because...

I like ants.

Oh, that tells me an awful lot about you, Linda.

I mean...

you're really a very sensitive person.

You really think so?

Oh, yes. While we're together at the zoo,

I see animals I never even noticed before.

The elephant.

The giraffe.

That's a lovely thing to say, Harold.

I think the... the thing I loved best about the zoo

was being there with you.

Oh, Harold.

Oh, I love when you call me Harold.

That's your name.

Yeah, of course it is.

But when you say it, it's... somehow different.

It's, uh...

it's not just "Harold," it's, uh...

it's Harold.

It's a beautiful name.

And you're very beautiful, Linda.

We'll be going to the zoo an awful lot from now on.

Like every Saturday. That's wonderful, Harold.

There's only one Saturday I can't make... that's the 28th.

I have to go back home for my sister's wedding.

But you can come with me if you want.

Oh, could I, Harold?

Oh, my folks'll love you!

Oh, that's wonderful, Harold.

And who knows, maybe...

while we're there...

we'll be able to kill two birds with one stone.

Oh, Harold... I'm thrilled!

Oh, Harold, I have to go back to work now.

Someday...

you'll be waiting on only one table

and one person: me.

Someday you'll be waiting on only one table

and one person: me.

Hey, Harold, how was dinner? Terrible.

What are you doing?

I'm moving out.

Out?

You haven't even moved in yet.

I did it again, Vic.

Proposed to another girl.

Yeah, and I can't go through with it.

Harold, you just moved in here last week

to get away from another girl... Now, you can't move out.

Who was it this time? She's a waitress.

You see, the restaurant wasn't busy, and she sat down at my table.

Oh, so you proposed to her? I didn't mean to.

Harold, you never mean to, and you always do.

Well, I couldn't help it!

I just don't understand how it happens.

Wait, I know... she came over to your table after you had finished dinner

and asked you if there'd be anything else,

and you said, "Uh, yes, there is one other thing: Will you marry me?"

No, it wasn't like that at all. Well, how was it?

Well, we'd been to the zoo together, and we liked all the same animals.

And then we went over to the anteaters, and she even liked the ants.

So, uh, you proposed to her.

Yeah, but I'm getting better, Vic.

I didn't even get into the part about naming the children.

Harold, I just don't understand what it is with you.

I have never proposed to a girl in my entire life.

Yeah, I know, and I always admired that about you, Vic.

And the worst thing about it is that you never even take advantage of it.

Yeah, I know, I don't know what to do about it.

And why don't you take advantage?

I don't know, Vic, but when a girl is gonna be your wife,

that's a very special kind of relationship.

I don't want to destroy her trust that she has in me.

What are you doing?

You stay here; I'm moving out.

Now, now, wait, Vic, you can't do that.

Why can't I? Why... why, you got to listen to me.

Here I am listening. Look, you stay here.

You don't have to go; I do have to go.

Harold, that is another thing that bugs me about you.

You propose, and then you run away... you're always running.

What kind of a life is that? Well, what else can I do?

Think of something. A good lie.

That's it! A lie!

Uh... yeah, I know.

I know, you could tell her that I got killed

in a tragic accident!

No, no, no, no, not me... you tell her.

I could tell her that I got killed in a tragic accident?

You're right, that wouldn't work.

Well, you're a professional actor... you could carry it off.

You got yourself into this, Harold, you get yourself out.

I know!

I could tell her that I have an incurable disease.

Harold, that's the oldest story in the book. Yeah, that's right.

Uh, I could tell her that I'm going away on a business trip.

Business trip... that's, what, only a couple of weeks.

A long business trip... Three months.

All right, in three months you're back... then what?

I came back with an incurable disease.

What you need is a story

to get you off the hook for good.

Now, think!

Think. Think. I'm thinking. I'm thinking.

I got it! I got it!

I can tell her I can't make the wedding

because I'm on a secret mission for the CIA.

That's crazy.

What about being an escaped convict?

That's too melodramatic.

I'll pretend I have amnesia!

Harold, nobody gets amnesia.

I'll pack my bags.

Good idea.

Maybe we're on the wrong track.

Maybe I ought to marry her.

She's really a very pretty girl.

I mean, she's sweet, and she's considerate,

and she's a terrific waitress.

Look, Harold, just fine. Fine.

But let me ask you one question.

Yeah?

Is this the girl you want to settle down

and spend the rest of your life with?

I'll tell her I escaped from a mental institution.

Wait a second.

I know Linda. She won't believe that.

What do you mean, you know Linda?

You'd only been with her for an hour or so,

and that was just to propose.

I can't help it, Vic,

but I know she won't believe it.

Well, what would she believe?

I don't know. That's what I've been asking you all this time.

It was your idea.

Okay, okay. All right. I'll think of something.

Well, what?

I don't know, Harold.

I haven't thought of it yet.

I've got it... the story! It's beautiful!

Well, tell it to me. I'd like to hear it.

Harold, once you tell her this story,

she'll hate you for the rest of your life.

Are you sure it's going to work?

It cannot miss. Well, good.

Harold! Hello, Harold.

Linda, there's something I have to talk to you about.

Oh, we have so much to talk about.

No, what I meant was...

All the plans we have to make.

No, no, no. I mean, uh...

Could we sit down?

Oh, darling, of course.

Do you recognize it?

It's our table. Linda, please.

I'll get you a piece of pie.

No! Wait a minute! Please, no pie!

You have it coming from your dinner.

I guess we were too busy

talking about important things.

Pretty soon, it won't be pie.

It'll be wedding cake.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

There isn't going to be any wedding cake.

Oh, that's fine. We don't need a reception.

Well, there isn't going to be any wedding.

Harold, we're eloping.

I can't believe this is happening to me!

Nothing's happening to you.

The truth is... this is going

to be very hard for you to believe...

But think how hard it is for me to tell you.

What?

I'm already married.

Married?

Married.

Married?

Married.

Married.

Married.

Then you can't marry me.

No, that's right. Yes, I can't.

Well, how could you propose if you were already married?

Well, I didn't realize I was married.

You don't have amnesia?

No. Nobody gets amnesia.

How could you not realize that you were married?

This may be very difficult for you to understand,

but it's very sad.

It is?

Well, you see, Betty... That's my wife... uh...

we got married about two years ago.

And we went on our honeymoon

on a camping trip in the wilds of Wyoming.

And everything was just beautiful.

We were very happy.

And then, suddenly, on the third day,

something terrible happened.

Yes?

Well, she went out to gather some firewood and...

Well, she never came back.

What did you do?

I got the wood myself.

But, you see, I had to quit my job,

and I had to stay up in the wilderness and search for her.

And, every day, I would hike through the woods from sunup to sundown.

And, the first month, we had 20 forest rangers

on horseback searching the hills.

And not one of us had any luck.

Wasn't there even a trace of her?

Nothing.

And then the snows came, and I had to give up my search.

So you came back.

I hated to, but.. But it seemed so hopeless.

We just assumed that she was dead.

You know, killed by a bear or something.

It took some time to get used to,

but I... but I finally did.

Well, I don't see what this has to do with us.

Well, that was the part I was coming to.

I finally got over the shock of losing her,

and I was trying to start my life all over again.

And I met you, and I proposed this evening,

and I went home, and I got a phone call from the forest rangers.

A miracle!

After two years, they finally located her.

They're flying Jane home tomorrow.

Jane?

Yeah. Jane. That's my wife.

You just told me her name was Betty.

Uh... Well, Betty Jane.

Are you sure that you are not just making up this story?

I just can't believe this.

Oh, you've got to! It's the truth. I swear it.

Well, if she was up there all this time,

why didn't you ever find her?

That's the strange part.

Even the forest rangers are puzzled.

Well, what did she live on?

Mostly berries and bark.

A lot of bark.

I don't think that anyone could live on that.

Well, she almost didn't.

It was touch and go. I heard she's terribly thin.

I would love to see her.

What?

Well, you did say she was flying in,

and I would like to see her.

But I understand she's terribly, terribly weak.

Well, she's weak from not eating.

Bring her to the restaurant.

If she's had nothing but berries and bark,

you owe her a good meal.

Oh, no, no, no.

But you said that she was flying in,

and that she had been rescued.

Well, you bring her to the restaurant tomorrow night

and you give her a good meal.

No, no.

"Here's the plan.

"We go in tomorrow morning by sub.

"You two will cover me,

and then you get down on the tank..."

Hey. How did it go?

I'm supposed to bring my wife there tomorrow night.

So take her.

Who?

Harold, come on.

I know a lot of actresses all over town.

All we got to do is get one to play your wife.

Really?

Sure. It's the easiest thing in the world.

Well, she has to be skinny.

Don't forget, for two years,

she's been eating nothing but berries and bark.

Harold, there's no problem.

Tomorrow morning, I'll call my friend Barbara

at Central Casting.

They've got everybody on file down there.

For $8.50, and a good meal,

we're going to get you a nice, skinny wife.

Well, Harold, where is she?

Well, I guess she's still being checked over

by the forest rangers.

Harold, why doesn't she recognize you?

She's been in the woods so long that... you know...

that... well, it sort of changes your eyesight.

Oh, no. I didn't know that.

I'm going to stay right here though,

until she comes over, if she does.

Waitress!

Don't worry. I'll be back.

Mr. Gray?

I'm sorry I was late.

I was on a picture.

Betty Jane, quick.

Betty Jane? No. I'm Helen Childress.

No, you're not.

You're Betty Jane, and that's your part.

Oh.

Listen. You're my wife,

and your name is Betty Jane, and, for two years,

you've been lost in the wilds of Wyoming.

You just came in by helicopter,

and you've been eating nothing but berries and bark.

Is there a script on it?

No. Just wing it.

Is the waitress in on this?

Kind of. She's the one we have to fool.

Mrs. Gray. I'm so happy to meet you.

I've heard so much about you and your tragic experience.

It was just terrible.

I thought it would never end.

For two long years, I was up there.

The temperature was below freezing,

and all I had to sleep in at night were pine needles.

For a month, I couldn't walk because both my feet

were frostbitten.

It was just terrible.

You poor thing.

You must have suffered terribly.

And the wild animals!

Several times, I had to ward off attacks...

Everything from wolves to grizzly bears.

Oh, you must tell Harold about that. He's very big

with animals, you know.

Especially sloths and anteaters.

We really should be ordering.

Oh, yes. And Mrs. Gray must be starving.

Although, I must say, you don't look too thin.

Well, yes, but I had four cans of K-rations

on the helicopter on the way in.

They're very filling.

It's a pity that we don't

have some squirrel on the menu

to make you really feel at home.

Would you like some fresh fruit?

Oh, please! Nothing fresh.

All the time I was in the wilderness,

my big dream was coming back to civilization

and having some canned peaches.

Uh... We'll have some ravioli.

All right. I'll bring it right back.

And I'll give you two a chance to get reacquainted.

You really must be terribly starved.

Not really. I just ate.

Oh, that's right. On the helicopter.

No. On the set.

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, she'll see you. You'll ruin everything.

I'm sorry.

It just seemed so funny,

the squirrels and the wilds of Wyoming and everything.

I guess you could look at it that way.

I'm sorry.

I won't laugh anymore.

Besides, it's not very professional

for an actress, is it?

No, you're doing very well.

You even had me convinced.

Look out. Here she comes.

Here you are.

I gave you an extra helping so you can recuperate.

Oh, thank you. I need it.

I'm still terribly weak, you know.

Yes. Well, you eat up your ravioli,

and we'll have you back into a size 16 in no time.

The food is really very good here.

Mmm! I'll say.

I'm so hungry, I could eat a bear.

Well, how is the second honeymoon coming along?

Oh, much better than the first.

Harold's catching me up

on all I missed while I was gone.

Oh, by the way, Nixon's the one.

You know, you still haven't told me why I'm doing this.

Well, it's all kind of ridiculous.

I know it's ridiculous, but why?

Well, you see, Linda and I were engaged to be married.

And I began to notice

that things weren't going to work out,

so I invented you.

She's really a very pretty girl.

And a very good waitress, too.

But we didn't have anything in common... except ants.

That's really not enough, is it?

I don't think so.

Hey, you're not even eating.

Oh, I tried, but I can't eat any more, I'm full.

What's Linda going to say?

Well, how about a nice big dessert?

I thought you said you were starved.

Well, when you haven't eaten for a while, your stomach contracts.

Your fingers, too.

I noticed your wedding ring slipped off.

Well, we might as well go.

Well, Harold, I guess this is good night.

Yes, Betty Jane.

You know, it seemed kind of right somehow,

having you be Mrs. Gray.

It's a role I could get to like.

Well, you'll have plenty of chance to like it.

Now that I found you, I'm not going to let you go.

I'm glad.

I never felt so happy in all my life.

I know, isn't it wonderful?

I guess I must be the luckiest guy in the whole world.

Don't talk, Harold.

I'm gonna remember this night forever.

Yeah, something we can tell our grandchildren.

Harold, I'm so thrilled.

I should say good night.

But I don't want you to.

Someday we won't have to say good night.

Good night, Mrs. Gray.

Good night, darling.

Where you been? It's almost 2:00.

Out walking in the streets thinking about Helen.

Hel... the bark-eater?

Yes!

You didn't propose to her?

Yes, I did!

Hey, what are you doing?

This time I'm gonna help you pack.

No, you don't understand.

This time I'm going to go through with it.

I'm really going to marry her this time.

You what? Yes! This is the real thing.

Oh, Harold, now think.

You got to think about this.

I did think about it!

That's all I've been doing.

I've been walking in the streets thinking about Helen.

The bark-eater.

Don't call her that!

To me, she's the most wonderful girl I ever met.

I'm going to bed... forever.

Obviously, I picked the wrong person to tell.

What would you know about such things?

What do you mean by a crack like that?

I'm sorry, Vic,

it's just that you've never been in love before.

Someday it'll happen to you and you'll know what I mean.

Oh, wow.

I'm telling you, Vic, it's wonderful.

It's like the whole world opens up.

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

You met this girl six hours ago

and now you're telling me you're gonna marry her?

I'm sorry I suggested the whole thing.

Oh, no, I'm glad you did it.

It's the greatest favor anybody ever did for me.

I want you to be my best man!

Your...

We're going to talk about this tomorrow.

No, no, promise me!

Promise me that you'll be my best man.

Now promise me!

All right, Harold, all right, all right.

I'll be your best man.

Now can I get some sleep?

Thank you, Vic.

You don't know what that means to me.

It's her!

Get it, get it, get it.

Hello?

Yes.

Oh, I was hoping that you'd call.

Yes.

Yes.

Oh.

Okay.

Good night.

Hey, what'd she say?

She said she forgot to tell me something this evening.

Yeah?

She has this incurable disease.

Oh, geez.

Yeah, and because of her amnesia, she forgot to tell me.

Why don't you get in the back seat?

No way.

Why not?

I want to stay in the front seat with you.

Don't be shy.

Here are the new two patients, mein liebchen.

Yes, mein heart.

Have a fine session, you two.

I've got apple strudel in the oven.

Oh, I love that lady.

Mm, I can taste the cinnamon on your hands.

It tastes delicious.

I'm Ben Cortnoy and this is my fiancé Ruth, Ruth Dab.

Yeah, and I am Dr. Sigmund. Uh-huh.

You both jump!

I can tell you really need me.

Have you ever been under therapy before?

Oh, yes, Doctor.

Ben and I have had years of therapy.

That's right, Doctor.

We've both been through individual psychoanalysis,

group therapy,

both individually and as a couple.

200 hours of silence at Big Sur,

46 weekends of nude bathing

at Sarasota Springs,

and we've just completed

14 weeks of skier psychodrama at Squaw Valley.

Yeah, yeah, that's kid stuff.

It's all meaningless.

They call themselves better doctors than me

because they went to medical school.

But, well,

that's another story.

What brings you two kids to a genius like me?

Well, Doctor, Ben and I are going

to be married next week.

And we wouldn't dream of it without taking your course

in fight therapy for young marrieds.

Smart move, because love is only the result

of a lot of irrelevant pseudo-catalytic trivia.

You agree?

I think so.

Only through fighting can we hope to achieve lasting love.

You must fight with each other.

The family that slugs together hugs together.

Are you two in love?

Oh, yes, Doctor, very much in love.

Very much in love.

You think so, huh?

Oh, yes, certainly.

How often do you fight?

Oh, we never fight.

Never fight? Not even once?

No, we've, we've never had a fight.

Then you ain't in love.

But we are.

You ain't!

Doctor...

You ain't, I'm sorry. That's life.

But we've been engaged for seven years.

You won't listen, will you?

You're here to listen to the doctor.

You want to be the doctor?

Then I'll listen.

Oh, no, I don't want to be the doctor.

Okay, then don't be a smarty pants.

I say it once more in case you didn't hear me the first time.

You ain't in love.

Unless...

What? You do it like the hippies,

tell it like it is.

Let it all hang out. Verstehe?

You mean you want us to be honest with each other.

Exactly.

But, Doctor, we're totally honest with each other.

Cut that out!

There will be no muzzling or nudging or hand-holding.

Not during this therapeutic hour.

In other words, no hanky-panky!

Is that clear?

But, Doctor, we just naturally gravitate to each other.

We have these very tender feelings.

You ain't got nothing!

The moment you walked through the door I said to myself,

"Myself, there is a couple that ain't got nothing!"

Unless...

What, what?

Stand up.

Go to a neutral corner.

You over there, and you over there.

Go on, go on. Hast, hast, hast, hast!

I want you to tell each other every little thing

you hate about each other.

Make it good.

He always says he likes everything about me.

Yeah?

Surprise.

Tell her off.

Okay.

Uh...

uh, about what?

Isn't there anything about her that irritates you?

No.

There's not one single, solitary kvetchy thing?

Negative.

Not even when she's biting her nails all the time?

That doesn't bother me.

That doesn't bother you at all?

Sorry. No.

Well, it's driving me crazy!

Take your hands out of your mouth!

And you're not normal!

Let's try it with you, Miss Dab.

I want to ask you something.

Is there something about your sweet boychik

that he does that drives you straight up the wall?

No, Doctor, we worked all that out therapies ago.

I know, I know,

but there must be one little shtick.

Listen, I'd even take a physical handicap right now.

I can't think of any.

Yeah? Look at his eyes.

He looks like a dead flounder.

He never looks in your eyes.

Every time you look

directly at him, he turns away.

You notice that? Doesn't that blow your mind?

Flip your wig?

No. No, I mean, he's a little shy,

but we'll work that out.

Why work it out? Fight it out.

Tell him to stop looking like a dead fish!

Believe me,

you'll love him more for that.

Oh, I... I just couldn't call him any names.

I just couldn't.

Don't do that, please. Don't do that.

You're driving me crazy.

I should have never left the delicatessen.

All right, get ready for the pillow fight.

One for you

und one for you.

What's this for?

Creative pillow-fighting.

But Ben and I never fight.

We love each other.

You got wax in your ears or something?

I told you before,

you ain't in love unless you express these hostilities:

disappointment, resentments

and downright hate that you have for one another!

Then you have taken the first steps towards real love.

Now do me a favor. Get ready.

Sock it to him.

Oh, I can't.

Do me a special favor.

Come over here and hit your fiancé in the head

just one time, please.

But I can't. He'll, he'll get mad at me.

Good, he should, that's perfect.

Are you sure it's all right?

Trust me... I don't make

a quarter-of-a-million dollars a year for nothing.

Oh, all right.

Only because of your reputation.

Yeah. Go ahead, sweetheart.

I'm all set.

Be careful of your contact lenses, honey.

I will, darling.

Say, will you knock off that Pollyanna, Shirley Temple,

goody-two-shoes talk?

Oh.

I can't! I can't!

Oh, I understand, sweetheart.

This is very depressing.

I'm very depressed.

I don't think I can go on anymore.

Ah, that's mein wife with the strudel!

Her strudel always gives me the will to live.

I loves that woman.

How's it going my, mein liebchen?

Disgusting.

That's good.

No, not that kind of disgusting.

The bad disgusting.

No smog in mein strudel, thank you.

Thank you.

You notice the minute mein charming had ein grievance,

no matter how stupid or immature or paranoiac,

she came out mit it.

That's why we've been happily married now for 31 years.

21 years, liebchen.

So what am I, an accountant?

Yecch!

This strudel must be a week old!

What are you talking about?

I made it this morning.

You probably gave your mother

the strudel you made this morning.

This must have been hanging in the back of the cabinet

for a week.

What do you know from good cooking?

From the looks of your belly, you aren't too fussy.

You want to get personal, huh? You walk like a duck.

Your ears stick out.

Your knees sweat.

It's unusual, isn't it,

the way they relate to each other?

I've never seen anything like it.

Aha, you weakling!

Go to your room!

Bully!

Mini muscle!

Dummy!

I loves that woman.

Now aren't you ashamed?

What you have just witnessed is true love.

Lasting love through open hostility and verbal combat.

It was just beautiful, Doctor.

We really enjoyed it.

And it seems to work.

Of course it does, mein kinder.

You listen to the doctor.

You can have a good life.

Would you like to take

another crack at it?

All right, stop holding hands.

You get over there and you stand over here

and we'll try it again, All right?

Get ready.

Um, do you really have to bite your nails, Ruth?

Who, me? I didn't think it bothered you.

Oh, yes, it does.

I just never mentioned it.

Well, for goodness sake.

Oh, you really are shy, aren't you?

You're a, you're a regular mouse.

Now just a minute.

There's no need to start calling names.

Why not?

That's what you are, isn't it?

And you're a nail-biter.

What?

Oh!

A nail-biter, nail-biter!

Mouse! Mouse!

But there's a lot of money in it, Scarlet.

I don't care... if we grow watermelons,

they'll call us "Uncle Tom."

No one's here.

I know.

Let's go back here.

Ready?

Ready.

Well, then, what are we waiting for?