All language subtitles for Love American Style S01E14 Love and the Pick-Up, Love and the Proposal, Love and the Fighting Couple

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the
red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled
night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your
head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's
early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend
your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

three separate views
of love, American style:

A new chapter on
how to make love last...

a fiancé and a long-lost wife,

and our first story,
about recapturing

love's first blush, called...

Hi!

What's the matter?

You'd never believe
what's been happening.

I can't hear you, dear...
You're talking to my shoulder.

Come on. I didn't
mean to break down.

Come on.

Now, sit down.

All right, what's wrong?

The marriage.

Steve's and mine.

It's over. Over?

Well, you've only
been married a month.

Well, maybe it's not
over, but it's not perfect.

Oh, come on, tell
Mother all about it.

That's what mothers
are for you know.

Well, the problem is sex.

We've only been
married one month,

and already we're
watching all The Late Show.

What's that got to
do with... you know?

We never used to
watch all The Late Show.

For the first few weeks,
when The Late Show came on,

Steve would turn off the TV.

Oh, I don't think I
want to hear about that.

Then it got to the point
where I'd turn off the TV.

Holly!

The past few nights,

I've turned off the TV and
Steve's turned it back on!

Oh, well, dear, you can't judge
a man by a few Late Shows.

But, Mother, it's not
just The Late Shows.

It's everything.

Do you know he likes
that stupid filing cabinet

better than he likes me?

You don't mean that
he's, uh... strange?

No.

But he used to come home
and paw me while I fixed dinner.

Now he paws that
stupid filing cabinet.

Oh, well, after all, dear,

Steve's a lawyer.

He's got to keep files.

Does he have to keep
files on every whiplash case

in New York City for
the past three years?

Oh, you're exaggerating.

Broken down into
two categories...

With and without neck braces.

And it's not just
law files, Mother.

It's... he keeps
files on everything.

He has the score of every
bridge game he has ever played.

No!

Look it up.

It, it's right next to the file

where he keeps a
complete record of his weight.

He keeps a file
on his weight, too?

Ever since he was 103 pounds.

Hi.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Steve.

Honey.

Hello.

Well, I think I'd
better be going.

Ooh! I almost forgot.

Guess what I bought today?

I hope it's a dirty book.

How about that?

What is it?

A label maker.

Look.

See? "Holly."

Aww.

Isn't that good?

I'll stick it on my forehead
so I won't forget who I am.

It's just what I need

to really get my files in order.

Well, I-I must be running along.

Bye, Mom!

Bye, Steve.

Oh, call me tomorrow.

I will.

And, uh, good luck
with, uh, you know.

Look at what you made me do.

Instead of "neck brace,"
I wrote "neck break"!

I'm sorry.

Steve?

Can I make a label?

All right, here.

Here.

Holly!

The Little Giant Label Maker

was not designed
for words like that.

Oh, Steve,

I didn't marry a
giant label maker

or a filing cabinet.

I married a kid who couldn't
keep his hands off of me

and I want him back.

Holly...

Oh, Steve, everything's
been so perfect.

Please, don't tell me it's over.

Over?

Nothing's over.

What do you want?

Romance, excitement.

A little craziness like
the first night we met.

At Pepper's Bar?

Right! Why can't
our marriage always

be like that?

Honey, we can't keep
meeting at Pepper's Bar.

Why not?

Oh, I want our
marriage to stay exciting,

like it was on our
wedding night.

The marriage might live,
but I'd be dead in six months.

Steve, listen.

Tonight, I want us to go
back to the place we met.

I want us to pretend we
don't know each other.

And you'll pick me up.

And then you'll try to take
me back to your apartment,

just like the night we met.

And you'll say no, just
like the night we met.

Oh, I don't know.

Tonight, you
might just get lucky.

Well...

here I am.

Holly, I'm here.

What shall we do now?

Do I know you?

I'm the man who snores
in your ear, remember?

You called me Holly!

I always call you
Holly. It's your name.

But you're not supposed
to know my name.

We haven't met yet.

I agreed to come here
and pretend a little,

but this is ridiculous.

Oh, Steve, I want it to be
just like the first night we met,

and you weren't
supposed to go to the bar.

You were supposed to go
to the exact place we met.

Holly, I am not setting
foot in the ladies' room.

No on the ladies' room.

The first time was
an honest mistake.

There were no names
on the restroom doors,

just a picture of Lassie on
one and Laddie on the other.

Which would you pick?

Don't you want to recreate
exactly how we met?

Not at the risk of arrest.

I'll play some of
this game with you,

but the ladie" room is out.

Oh, all right.

Excuse me, but I
was sitting there.

That's tough, pal.

I just left it for a minute.

Finders keepers, losers weepers.

That's my seat!

Look, pal, I got
30 pounds on you.

You want to be a dragon?

No.

Excuse me.

You don't know me,
but I was wondering

if you'd care to
go home with me.

You're very aggressive.

Yeah.

Let's get out of here, huh?

My name's Holly
Banks. What's yours?

W.C. Fields, let's go.

You're terribly cute,

but you've got awful manners.

Hey, pal.

You bugging this lady?

No, everything is all right.

It's fine. Holly,

I think we should leave.

But it's so early.

I want to leave.

Well, all right.

I guess there's no harm in,

in two people meeting
in a place, like this.

There's just one thing.

And what one thing is that?

I'm not alone.

You're not alone? No.

Do you think you could
find a date for Mary Agnes?

I'm Mary Agnes.

Who's that?

Mary Agnes.

I met her here tonight.

She's just like the Cynthia

we met on our first
date, remember?

How could I ever forget?

I mean, you wouldn't expect me

just to run off and
leave my friend.

No, I wouldn't expect that.

Couldn't you get a
date for Mary Agnes?

You must have a
lot of cute friends.

At the moment, I haven't
a friend in the world.

I mean, if Mary
Agnes can't get a date,

I don't think it's right
for me to leave her.

Don't you think?

What I think would burn
a hole in your stomach.

You said you were gonna do

exactly what we said we were...

All right, all right.

Mary Agnes needs a date.

I'll get Mary Agnes a date.

I'm sitting over there with a
young lady in the gray dress.

She's a very nice-looking girl.

I thought maybe
you'd like to take her

underground to a, to a film.

I've tried every
guy in the place,

including the bartender
and the doorman.

See, it's just like that
first time with Cynthia.

I want to go now.

I want to go now
more than anything else

I've ever wanted in my life.

Oh, all right.

Come on, Mary Agnes.

Come on, Mary Agnes?

Well, Steve, if, if you
couldn't get her a date,

the least you can
do is drive her home.

Do you mind if I
make an observation?

You two aren't very
good for each other.

I mean, you just met

and already you fight
like you're married.

You're very observant.

I'm very sensitive.

That's what Miss Lovelorn said.

Miss Lovelorn said that?

Yeah, in her answer.

She said it was obvious
that I was very sensitive.

That was very
nice of her to say.

Maybe you read my letter?

I signed it "Bad Complexion,"

but it's clearing up now.

Um, Mary Agnes, uh,

I think you're a very nice girl.

And I just want you to know

that I don't usually let
men pick me up like this.

Oh, you don't have to
explain anything to me.

You've got clear skin.

You can do anything.

Steve, maybe you
better take me home first.

What?

Well, I mean, as long
as, as Mary Agnes

lives in Brooklyn, it just seems
easier if you drop me off first.

Drop you?

Okay, that's it.

This is the end of the line.

What are you talking about?

Holly, as long as we're
acting single for the night,

then I'm going to be single.

If I dated a girl
when I was single

and she gave me
trouble, I'd cut out.

Holly, I'm cutting out!

Here, take this.

This'll get you home,
wherever that may be.

Steve Bancroft...

you'll be sorry.

Holly, you're the
biggest ding-a-ling

I've ever met in my life.

He gets like that sometimes.

It's really nothing.

She's not coming home.

She probably jumped in a
cab and ran home to mother.

Huh! One fight, and
she runs home to mother.

Hmm, I better call to make
sure she ran home to mother.

Hello?

Oh, uh, hi, Mom. It's
Steve. Is Holly there?

I don't know.

No.

What's wrong?

Oh, it was a big mix-up...
She wouldn't let me

pick her up at the bar,
and then she got mad,

and I wouldn't go
to the ladies' room,

and then I refused to
drive Mary Agnes home.

Imagine that.

Look, I'm sorry I bothered
you. Go back to sleep.

Good night. Good night.

Where is she?

Why didn't she run
home to mother?

Wow, she sure was mad at me.

Probably waiting in the bar

for me to go back
and pick her up. Ha!

I hope she's still in that bar.

Mother? Mother?

Who?! What? Hey!

Mother, it's me, Holly.

Oh. Holly.

What time is it?

After 1:00.

Oh, you're awfully late.

Now, Holly, I... Mother.

Oh, I forgot, you don't
live here anymore.

What's wrong?

Mother, it was just terrible.

What was?

Steve and I had
a fight in a bar.

Oh, that's right, he wouldn't go

to the ladies' room.

How did you know that?

Well, he just called
up here a while ago.

Steve did? What did he say?

He was looking for you.

Oh, well, then he must be home!

Oh...

Where else would he go?

He didn't go to those
places when he was single.

I'll bet he went back to
Pepper's Bar to pick me up.

Thanks, Mother. Good night.

Mary Agnes, where's my wife?

Your wife? I don't know.

But your girlfriend left.
Oh, where'd she go?

I don't know. Well, she must
have said where she was going.

Hey, pal,

are you bothering
the girls again?

Bug off, will you, mac?

Well, did she say she was
gonna take a cab, or what?

I don't know,
really. She just left.

Well, she must
have said something.

You know, you're
beginning to annoy me.

Look, buddy, you're
gonna get it in a minute.

You're gonna get it right now.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Really?

Oh... oh, Steve, Steve,

you did come back to pick me up.

Now I need somebody
to pick me up.

Listen, listen, I was all wrong.

From now on, you can
keep all the filing cabinets

and all the labelers you want.

I just want you.

Ooh.

Look, I was wrong, too.

From now on, no more Mr. Dull.

I'll make love to you
anyplace you say.

Yankee Stadium, on top of
the Empire State Building...

only don't kiss me like that.

Huh?

Well, until we get home, anyway.

♪ ♪

Well, what did you think I meant
when I said I was a swinger?

Lamar, can't you forget for
a minute you're a mechanic?

I loved the zoo this afternoon.

Yeah, I had a hunch you
were a real zoo person.

You're not like
those people who...

who think all
animals look alike.

Oh, no, I think
they're all very special.

Like the sloths.

You're the only other person
I ever met that likes sloths.

I love sloths.

It's nice to be
able to share that.

And the giant turtle.

I loved that.

A-And how about the
okapi? Which one was that?

Well, that's the one
with the funny name.

Oh, yeah, over by the anteater.

You know something
about the anteater?

It's always been
one of my favorites.

Mine, too!

I never told this to anybody,

but... the reason that I like to
watch anteaters is because...

I like ants.

Oh, that tells me an
awful lot about you, Linda.

I mean...

you're really a very
sensitive person.

You really think so?

Oh, yes. While we're
together at the zoo,

I see animals I never
even noticed before.

The elephant.

The giraffe.

That's a lovely
thing to say, Harold.

I think the... the thing I
loved best about the zoo

was being there with you.

Oh, Harold.

Oh, I love when
you call me Harold.

That's your name.

Yeah, of course it is.

But when you say it,
it's... somehow different.

It's, uh...

it's not just
"Harold," it's, uh...

it's Harold.

It's a beautiful name.

And you're very
beautiful, Linda.

We'll be going to the zoo
an awful lot from now on.

Like every Saturday.
That's wonderful, Harold.

There's only one Saturday I
can't make... that's the 28th.

I have to go back home
for my sister's wedding.

But you can come
with me if you want.

Oh, could I, Harold?

Oh, my folks'll love you!

Oh, that's wonderful, Harold.

And who knows, maybe...

while we're there...

we'll be able to kill two
birds with one stone.

Oh, Harold... I'm thrilled!

Oh, Harold, I have to
go back to work now.

Someday...

you'll be waiting
on only one table

and one person: me.

Someday you'll be
waiting on only one table

and one person: me.

Hey, Harold, how
was dinner? Terrible.

What are you doing?

I'm moving out.

Out?

You haven't even moved in yet.

I did it again, Vic.

Proposed to another girl.

Yeah, and I can't
go through with it.

Harold, you just
moved in here last week

to get away from another
girl... Now, you can't move out.

Who was it this
time? She's a waitress.

You see, the restaurant wasn't
busy, and she sat down at my table.

Oh, so you proposed
to her? I didn't mean to.

Harold, you never mean
to, and you always do.

Well, I couldn't help it!

I just don't understand
how it happens.

Wait, I know... she came over to
your table after you had finished dinner

and asked you if
there'd be anything else,

and you said, "Uh, yes, there is
one other thing: Will you marry me?"

No, it wasn't like that
at all. Well, how was it?

Well, we'd been to the zoo together,
and we liked all the same animals.

And then we went over to the
anteaters, and she even liked the ants.

So, uh, you proposed to her.

Yeah, but I'm
getting better, Vic.

I didn't even get into the
part about naming the children.

Harold, I just don't
understand what it is with you.

I have never proposed
to a girl in my entire life.

Yeah, I know, and I always
admired that about you, Vic.

And the worst thing about it is that
you never even take advantage of it.

Yeah, I know, I don't
know what to do about it.

And why don't you
take advantage?

I don't know, Vic, but when
a girl is gonna be your wife,

that's a very special
kind of relationship.

I don't want to destroy
her trust that she has in me.

What are you doing?

You stay here; I'm moving out.

Now, now, wait,
Vic, you can't do that.

Why can't I? Why... why,
you got to listen to me.

Here I am listening.
Look, you stay here.

You don't have to
go; I do have to go.

Harold, that is another
thing that bugs me about you.

You propose, and then you run
away... you're always running.

What kind of a life is that?
Well, what else can I do?

Think of something. A good lie.

That's it! A lie!

Uh... yeah, I know.

I know, you could
tell her that I got killed

in a tragic accident!

No, no, no, no, not
me... you tell her.

I could tell her that I got
killed in a tragic accident?

You're right, that
wouldn't work.

Well, you're a professional
actor... you could carry it off.

You got yourself into this,
Harold, you get yourself out.

I know!

I could tell her that I
have an incurable disease.

Harold, that's the oldest story
in the book. Yeah, that's right.

Uh, I could tell her that I'm
going away on a business trip.

Business trip... that's,
what, only a couple of weeks.

A long business
trip... Three months.

All right, in three months
you're back... then what?

I came back with
an incurable disease.

What you need is a story

to get you off
the hook for good.

Now, think!

Think. Think. I'm
thinking. I'm thinking.

I got it! I got it!

I can tell her I can't
make the wedding

because I'm on a secret
mission for the CIA.

That's crazy.

What about being
an escaped convict?

That's too melodramatic.

I'll pretend I have amnesia!

Harold, nobody gets amnesia.

I'll pack my bags.

Good idea.

Maybe we're on the wrong track.

Maybe I ought to marry her.

She's really a very pretty girl.

I mean, she's sweet,
and she's considerate,

and she's a terrific waitress.

Look, Harold, just fine. Fine.

But let me ask you one question.

Yeah?

Is this the girl you
want to settle down

and spend the rest
of your life with?

I'll tell her I escaped
from a mental institution.

Wait a second.

I know Linda. She
won't believe that.

What do you mean,
you know Linda?

You'd only been with
her for an hour or so,

and that was just to propose.

I can't help it, Vic,

but I know she won't believe it.

Well, what would she believe?

I don't know. That's what I've
been asking you all this time.

It was your idea.

Okay, okay. All right.
I'll think of something.

Well, what?

I don't know, Harold.

I haven't thought of it yet.

I've got it... the
story! It's beautiful!

Well, tell it to me.
I'd like to hear it.

Harold, once you
tell her this story,

she'll hate you for
the rest of your life.

Are you sure it's going to work?

It cannot miss. Well, good.

Harold! Hello, Harold.

Linda, there's something
I have to talk to you about.

Oh, we have so
much to talk about.

No, what I meant was...

All the plans we have to make.

No, no, no. I mean, uh...

Could we sit down?

Oh, darling, of course.

Do you recognize it?

It's our table. Linda, please.

I'll get you a piece of pie.

No! Wait a minute!
Please, no pie!

You have it coming
from your dinner.

I guess we were too busy

talking about important things.

Pretty soon, it won't be pie.

It'll be wedding cake.

That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

There isn't going to
be any wedding cake.

Oh, that's fine. We
don't need a reception.

Well, there isn't going
to be any wedding.

Harold, we're eloping.

I can't believe this
is happening to me!

Nothing's happening to you.

The truth is... this is going

to be very hard
for you to believe...

But think how hard
it is for me to tell you.

What?

I'm already married.

Married?

Married.

Married?

Married.

Married.

Married.

Then you can't marry me.

No, that's right. Yes, I can't.

Well, how could you propose
if you were already married?

Well, I didn't realize
I was married.

You don't have amnesia?

No. Nobody gets amnesia.

How could you not realize
that you were married?

This may be very difficult
for you to understand,

but it's very sad.

It is?

Well, you see, Betty...
That's my wife... uh...

we got married
about two years ago.

And we went on our honeymoon

on a camping trip in
the wilds of Wyoming.

And everything
was just beautiful.

We were very happy.

And then, suddenly,
on the third day,

something terrible happened.

Yes?

Well, she went out to
gather some firewood and...

Well, she never came back.

What did you do?

I got the wood myself.

But, you see, I
had to quit my job,

and I had to stay up in the
wilderness and search for her.

And, every day, I would hike through
the woods from sunup to sundown.

And, the first month,
we had 20 forest rangers

on horseback
searching the hills.

And not one of us had any luck.

Wasn't there even
a trace of her?

Nothing.

And then the snows came,
and I had to give up my search.

So you came back.

I hated to, but.. But it
seemed so hopeless.

We just assumed
that she was dead.

You know, killed by
a bear or something.

It took some time
to get used to,

but I... but I finally did.

Well, I don't see what
this has to do with us.

Well, that was the
part I was coming to.

I finally got over the
shock of losing her,

and I was trying to start
my life all over again.

And I met you, and I
proposed this evening,

and I went home, and I got a
phone call from the forest rangers.

A miracle!

After two years, they
finally located her.

They're flying Jane
home tomorrow.

Jane?

Yeah. Jane. That's my wife.

You just told me
her name was Betty.

Uh... Well, Betty Jane.

Are you sure that you are
not just making up this story?

I just can't believe this.

Oh, you've got to!
It's the truth. I swear it.

Well, if she was up
there all this time,

why didn't you ever find her?

That's the strange part.

Even the forest
rangers are puzzled.

Well, what did she live on?

Mostly berries and bark.

A lot of bark.

I don't think that
anyone could live on that.

Well, she almost didn't.

It was touch and go. I
heard she's terribly thin.

I would love to see her.

What?

Well, you did say
she was flying in,

and I would like to see her.

But I understand she's
terribly, terribly weak.

Well, she's weak
from not eating.

Bring her to the restaurant.

If she's had nothing
but berries and bark,

you owe her a good meal.

Oh, no, no, no.

But you said that
she was flying in,

and that she had been rescued.

Well, you bring her to the
restaurant tomorrow night

and you give her a good meal.

No, no.

"Here's the plan.

"We go in tomorrow
morning by sub.

"You two will cover me,

and then you get
down on the tank..."

Hey. How did it go?

I'm supposed to bring my
wife there tomorrow night.

So take her.

Who?

Harold, come on.

I know a lot of
actresses all over town.

All we got to do is get
one to play your wife.

Really?

Sure. It's the easiest
thing in the world.

Well, she has to be skinny.

Don't forget, for two years,

she's been eating nothing
but berries and bark.

Harold, there's no problem.

Tomorrow morning, I'll
call my friend Barbara

at Central Casting.

They've got everybody
on file down there.

For $8.50, and a good meal,

we're going to get
you a nice, skinny wife.

Well, Harold, where is she?

Well, I guess she's
still being checked over

by the forest rangers.

Harold, why doesn't
she recognize you?

She's been in the woods
so long that... you know...

that... well, it sort of
changes your eyesight.

Oh, no. I didn't know that.

I'm going to stay
right here though,

until she comes
over, if she does.

Waitress!

Don't worry. I'll be back.

Mr. Gray?

I'm sorry I was late.

I was on a picture.

Betty Jane, quick.

Betty Jane? No.
I'm Helen Childress.

No, you're not.

You're Betty Jane,
and that's your part.

Oh.

Listen. You're my wife,

and your name is Betty
Jane, and, for two years,

you've been lost in
the wilds of Wyoming.

You just came in by helicopter,

and you've been eating
nothing but berries and bark.

Is there a script on it?

No. Just wing it.

Is the waitress in on this?

Kind of. She's the
one we have to fool.

Mrs. Gray. I'm so
happy to meet you.

I've heard so much about
you and your tragic experience.

It was just terrible.

I thought it would never end.

For two long years,
I was up there.

The temperature
was below freezing,

and all I had to sleep in
at night were pine needles.

For a month, I couldn't
walk because both my feet

were frostbitten.

It was just terrible.

You poor thing.

You must have suffered terribly.

And the wild animals!

Several times, I had
to ward off attacks...

Everything from
wolves to grizzly bears.

Oh, you must tell Harold
about that. He's very big

with animals, you know.

Especially sloths and anteaters.

We really should be ordering.

Oh, yes. And Mrs.
Gray must be starving.

Although, I must say,
you don't look too thin.

Well, yes, but I had
four cans of K-rations

on the helicopter on the way in.

They're very filling.

It's a pity that we don't

have some squirrel on the menu

to make you really feel at home.

Would you like some fresh fruit?

Oh, please! Nothing fresh.

All the time I was
in the wilderness,

my big dream was
coming back to civilization

and having some canned peaches.

Uh... We'll have some ravioli.

All right. I'll
bring it right back.

And I'll give you two a
chance to get reacquainted.

You really must
be terribly starved.

Not really. I just ate.

Oh, that's right.
On the helicopter.

No. On the set.

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, she'll see you.
You'll ruin everything.

I'm sorry.

It just seemed so funny,

the squirrels and the wilds
of Wyoming and everything.

I guess you could
look at it that way.

I'm sorry.

I won't laugh anymore.

Besides, it's not
very professional

for an actress, is it?

No, you're doing very well.

You even had me convinced.

Look out. Here she comes.

Here you are.

I gave you an extra helping
so you can recuperate.

Oh, thank you. I need it.

I'm still terribly
weak, you know.

Yes. Well, you
eat up your ravioli,

and we'll have you back
into a size 16 in no time.

The food is really
very good here.

Mmm! I'll say.

I'm so hungry, I
could eat a bear.

Well, how is the second
honeymoon coming along?

Oh, much better than the first.

Harold's catching me up

on all I missed
while I was gone.

Oh, by the way, Nixon's the one.

You know, you still haven't
told me why I'm doing this.

Well, it's all
kind of ridiculous.

I know it's ridiculous, but why?

Well, you see, Linda and I
were engaged to be married.

And I began to notice

that things weren't
going to work out,

so I invented you.

She's really a very pretty girl.

And a very good waitress, too.

But we didn't have anything
in common... except ants.

That's really not enough, is it?

I don't think so.

Hey, you're not even eating.

Oh, I tried, but I can't
eat any more, I'm full.

What's Linda going to say?

Well, how about
a nice big dessert?

I thought you said
you were starved.

Well, when you haven't eaten
for a while, your stomach contracts.

Your fingers, too.

I noticed your
wedding ring slipped off.

Well, we might as well go.

Well, Harold, I guess
this is good night.

Yes, Betty Jane.

You know, it seemed
kind of right somehow,

having you be Mrs. Gray.

It's a role I could get to like.

Well, you'll have plenty
of chance to like it.

Now that I found you,
I'm not going to let you go.

I'm glad.

I never felt so
happy in all my life.

I know, isn't it wonderful?

I guess I must be the
luckiest guy in the whole world.

Don't talk, Harold.

I'm gonna remember
this night forever.

Yeah, something we
can tell our grandchildren.

Harold, I'm so thrilled.

I should say good night.

But I don't want you to.

Someday we won't
have to say good night.

Good night, Mrs. Gray.

Good night, darling.

Where you been?
It's almost 2:00.

Out walking in the streets
thinking about Helen.

Hel... the bark-eater?

Yes!

You didn't propose to her?

Yes, I did!

Hey, what are you doing?

This time I'm gonna
help you pack.

No, you don't understand.

This time I'm going
to go through with it.

I'm really going to
marry her this time.

You what? Yes!
This is the real thing.

Oh, Harold, now think.

You got to think about this.

I did think about it!

That's all I've been doing.

I've been walking in the
streets thinking about Helen.

The bark-eater.

Don't call her that!

To me, she's the most
wonderful girl I ever met.

I'm going to bed... forever.

Obviously, I picked
the wrong person to tell.

What would you know
about such things?

What do you mean
by a crack like that?

I'm sorry, Vic,

it's just that you've
never been in love before.

Someday it'll happen to you
and you'll know what I mean.

Oh, wow.

I'm telling you,
Vic, it's wonderful.

It's like the whole
world opens up.

This is the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.

You met this girl six hours ago

and now you're telling me
you're gonna marry her?

I'm sorry I suggested
the whole thing.

Oh, no, I'm glad you did it.

It's the greatest favor
anybody ever did for me.

I want you to be my best man!

Your...

We're going to talk
about this tomorrow.

No, no, promise me!

Promise me that
you'll be my best man.

Now promise me!

All right, Harold,
all right, all right.

I'll be your best man.

Now can I get some sleep?

Thank you, Vic.

You don't know what
that means to me.

It's her!

Get it, get it, get it.

Hello?

Yes.

Oh, I was hoping
that you'd call.

Yes.

Yes.

Oh.

Okay.

Good night.

Hey, what'd she say?

She said she forgot to tell
me something this evening.

Yeah?

She has this incurable disease.

Oh, geez.

Yeah, and because of her
amnesia, she forgot to tell me.

Why don't you get
in the back seat?

No way.

Why not?

I want to stay in the
front seat with you.

Don't be shy.

Here are the new two
patients, mein liebchen.

Yes, mein heart.

Have a fine session, you two.

I've got apple
strudel in the oven.

Oh, I love that lady.

Mm, I can taste the
cinnamon on your hands.

It tastes delicious.

I'm Ben Cortnoy and this
is my fiancé Ruth, Ruth Dab.

Yeah, and I am
Dr. Sigmund. Uh-huh.

You both jump!

I can tell you really need me.

Have you ever been
under therapy before?

Oh, yes, Doctor.

Ben and I have
had years of therapy.

That's right, Doctor.

We've both been through
individual psychoanalysis,

group therapy,

both individually
and as a couple.

200 hours of silence at Big Sur,

46 weekends of nude bathing

at Sarasota Springs,

and we've just completed

14 weeks of skier
psychodrama at Squaw Valley.

Yeah, yeah, that's kid stuff.

It's all meaningless.

They call themselves
better doctors than me

because they went
to medical school.

But, well,

that's another story.

What brings you two
kids to a genius like me?

Well, Doctor, Ben
and I are going

to be married next week.

And we wouldn't dream of
it without taking your course

in fight therapy
for young marrieds.

Smart move, because
love is only the result

of a lot of irrelevant
pseudo-catalytic trivia.

You agree?

I think so.

Only through fighting can we
hope to achieve lasting love.

You must fight with each other.

The family that slugs
together hugs together.

Are you two in love?

Oh, yes, Doctor,
very much in love.

Very much in love.

You think so, huh?

Oh, yes, certainly.

How often do you fight?

Oh, we never fight.

Never fight? Not even once?

No, we've, we've
never had a fight.

Then you ain't in love.

But we are.

You ain't!

Doctor...

You ain't, I'm
sorry. That's life.

But we've been
engaged for seven years.

You won't listen, will you?

You're here to
listen to the doctor.

You want to be the doctor?

Then I'll listen.

Oh, no, I don't want
to be the doctor.

Okay, then don't
be a smarty pants.

I say it once more in case
you didn't hear me the first time.

You ain't in love.

Unless...

What? You do
it like the hippies,

tell it like it is.

Let it all hang out. Verstehe?

You mean you want us to
be honest with each other.

Exactly.

But, Doctor, we're totally
honest with each other.

Cut that out!

There will be no muzzling
or nudging or hand-holding.

Not during this
therapeutic hour.

In other words, no hanky-panky!

Is that clear?

But, Doctor, we just naturally
gravitate to each other.

We have these
very tender feelings.

You ain't got nothing!

The moment you walked
through the door I said to myself,

"Myself, there is a couple
that ain't got nothing!"

Unless...

What, what?

Stand up.

Go to a neutral corner.

You over there,
and you over there.

Go on, go on. Hast,
hast, hast, hast!

I want you to tell each
other every little thing

you hate about each other.

Make it good.

He always says he likes
everything about me.

Yeah?

Surprise.

Tell her off.

Okay.

Uh...

uh, about what?

Isn't there anything
about her that irritates you?

No.

There's not one single,
solitary kvetchy thing?

Negative.

Not even when she's
biting her nails all the time?

That doesn't bother me.

That doesn't bother you at all?

Sorry. No.

Well, it's driving me crazy!

Take your hands
out of your mouth!

And you're not normal!

Let's try it with you, Miss Dab.

I want to ask you something.

Is there something
about your sweet boychik

that he does that drives
you straight up the wall?

No, Doctor, we worked
all that out therapies ago.

I know, I know,

but there must
be one little shtick.

Listen, I'd even take a
physical handicap right now.

I can't think of any.

Yeah? Look at his eyes.

He looks like a dead flounder.

He never looks in your eyes.

Every time you look

directly at him, he turns away.

You notice that? Doesn't
that blow your mind?

Flip your wig?

No. No, I mean,
he's a little shy,

but we'll work that out.

Why work it out? Fight it out.

Tell him to stop
looking like a dead fish!

Believe me,

you'll love him more for that.

Oh, I... I just couldn't
call him any names.

I just couldn't.

Don't do that,
please. Don't do that.

You're driving me crazy.

I should have never
left the delicatessen.

All right, get ready
for the pillow fight.

One for you

und one for you.

What's this for?

Creative pillow-fighting.

But Ben and I never fight.

We love each other.

You got wax in your
ears or something?

I told you before,

you ain't in love unless
you express these hostilities:

disappointment, resentments

and downright hate that
you have for one another!

Then you have taken the
first steps towards real love.

Now do me a favor. Get ready.

Sock it to him.

Oh, I can't.

Do me a special favor.

Come over here and
hit your fiancé in the head

just one time, please.

But I can't. He'll,
he'll get mad at me.

Good, he should, that's perfect.

Are you sure it's all right?

Trust me... I don't make

a quarter-of-a-million
dollars a year for nothing.

Oh, all right.

Only because of your reputation.

Yeah. Go ahead, sweetheart.

I'm all set.

Be careful of your
contact lenses, honey.

I will, darling.

Say, will you knock off that
Pollyanna, Shirley Temple,

goody-two-shoes talk?

Oh.

I can't! I can't!

Oh, I understand, sweetheart.

This is very depressing.

I'm very depressed.

I don't think I can
go on anymore.

Ah, that's mein
wife with the strudel!

Her strudel always
gives me the will to live.

I loves that woman.

How's it going
my, mein liebchen?

Disgusting.

That's good.

No, not that kind of disgusting.

The bad disgusting.

No smog in mein
strudel, thank you.

Thank you.

You notice the minute mein
charming had ein grievance,

no matter how stupid or
immature or paranoiac,

she came out mit it.

That's why we've been happily
married now for 31 years.

21 years, liebchen.

So what am I, an accountant?

Yecch!

This strudel must be a week old!

What are you talking about?

I made it this morning.

You probably gave your mother

the strudel you
made this morning.

This must have been hanging
in the back of the cabinet

for a week.

What do you know
from good cooking?

From the looks of your
belly, you aren't too fussy.

You want to get personal,
huh? You walk like a duck.

Your ears stick out.

Your knees sweat.

It's unusual, isn't it,

the way they relate
to each other?

I've never seen
anything like it.

Aha, you weakling!

Go to your room!

Bully!

Mini muscle!

Dummy!

I loves that woman.

Now aren't you ashamed?

What you have just
witnessed is true love.

Lasting love through open
hostility and verbal combat.

It was just beautiful, Doctor.

We really enjoyed it.

And it seems to work.

Of course it does, mein kinder.

You listen to the doctor.

You can have a good life.

Would you like to take

another crack at it?

All right, stop holding hands.

You get over there
and you stand over here

and we'll try it
again, All right?

Get ready.

Um, do you really have
to bite your nails, Ruth?

Who, me? I didn't
think it bothered you.

Oh, yes, it does.

I just never mentioned it.

Well, for goodness sake.

Oh, you really are
shy, aren't you?

You're a, you're
a regular mouse.

Now just a minute.

There's no need to
start calling names.

Why not?

That's what you are, isn't it?

And you're a nail-biter.

What?

Oh!

A nail-biter, nail-biter!

Mouse! Mouse!

But there's a lot of
money in it, Scarlet.

I don't care... if we
grow watermelons,

they'll call us "Uncle Tom."

No one's here.

I know.

Let's go back here.

Ready?

Ready.

Well, then, what
are we waiting for?