Original subtitles

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see three separate views of...

An experienced woman, a shy beginner and a lesson in love,

a bedtime story for grownups, and our first story

about a man, his wife, his fiancé

and the woman he really loves,

which we call "Love and the Medium."

Max, I've only got a few minutes.

Listen, Mr. Barry is coming

and I want to talk to you before he comes.

Max, I think he's interested in me.

You know, I think he's lived alone long enough

and he's ready to make a move.

And I like him, Max.

I really like him.

I mean, no offense to you, you were wonderful.

We had a lot of good years.

A lot of good years.

But let's face it, Max, you're dead.

But I don't have to tell you that.

And he's such a nice man.

Oh!

Why, Mr. Barry, come in, come in.

Hello, Madame Zygmundt.

Oh, my, don't you look nice today, all dressed up.

Isn't that a new suit?

Yes, it is. I got it off a dummy.

That is, it was on a dummy in a window,

and I happened to be the same size as the dummy,

so I got a very good price on it.

Oh. And a haircut.

Yes, it's what they call a "razor cut."

Cost $3.50.

I like it.

My, you certainly are taking better care

of your appearance lately.

Thank you.

You're a few minutes early.

Shall we go in and sit down?

I was anxious to see you.

I have a very important question to ask my wife.

An important question?

Well, actually, it's a question

I want to ask someone else,

but first, I thought I'd like to ask my wife,

if it's all right...

to ask the question.

You follow me?

Oh. oh, yes.

I think you're right.

You should definitely ask your wife first.

Well, shall we sit down

and see if we can make contact?

I see you got a manicure, too.

Yes. It's nice.

Well, shall we try to reach your wife and ask her that question?

Yes.

Eyes closed.

Tight, please.

Think of nothing else in the whole world

but your dear, sweet wife.

See her sweet face, her sweet, warm face.

That sweet, warm, understanding and all-knowing face.

Can you see that face?

Can you almost reach out and touch that face?

Sway with me, Mr. Barry.

Sway with me.

I'm swaying.

All the way.

I feel a voice.

I feel a voice trying to break through.

I feel a presence.

I feel it, too.

Is that you, Rica Barry?

That presence has such wisdom.

Rica...

Rica Barry...

Albert?

Albert...

Yes, dear.

Can you hear me, Albert?

Just faintly.

You look a little thin, Albert.

No, no, no, I'm fine.

I just had my checkup.

You're worried about something, right?

You shouldn't worry.

Rica, there's something I want to tell you.

I'll never forget our 22 years of marriage.

Never mind that.

Are you eating all right, Albert?

What you need is a good, home-cooked meal.

Now it's funny that you would say that,

because that's right along the line

of what I wanted to talk to you about.

You want to get married again, Albert.

How did you know?

I always knew what you were thinking.

Now it's even easier.

I hope you're not angry.

Angry?

I'm happy.

You should be married.

Oh, Rica.

Do you have someone in mind?

Yes, yes, I do.

Tell me about her.

Well, she's a wonderful person.

I'm sure she is.

And I'm very glad you think so.

I've only known her for a short time,

but I think she's interested in me.

She'd be a fool if she wasn't.

She's intelligent, has a warm heart.

Is she nice?

Yes, she has warm eyes, nice hands,

a nice attitude about things.

Oh, she has a little nose.

Yes? Yes, tell me more.

She's a blonde.

A blonde?!

A blonde?!

Yes, a natural blonde, too, Rica.

The only trouble is I'm at least 15 years older than she is.

I'd love to talk to her.

Why?

Why?

A blonde who's after my husband?

Naturally, I want to talk to her.

Rica, she is not after me.

What's her name?

Gloria. Gloria Rollins.

Gloria Rollins.

Is she a widow or a divorcée?

A widow, of course.

And where does she live?

In the city?

Staten Island.

And does she have a job

or does she just lay in bed all day, watching TV?

She has a very good job in a five-and-ten in Elizabeth.

She's an assistant manager.

Well, maybe you could get her in to talk to me...

if Madame Zygmundt can give you an appointment.

Rica, you sound so angry, and before you were so happy.

Oh? I'm happy.

It's just that the connection is fading...

I'm drained, Mr. Barry.

Did you hear how angry my wife was, Madame Zygmundt?

I never listen. It would be unethical.

Well, may I come back tomorrow with a friend?

Tomorrow, a friend. Why a friend?

Well, my wife would like

to meet the party I spoke to her about.

Oh, that would be all right.

Thank you. Tomorrow, same time?

I'll ink you in with a friend.

Have a nice day.

Likewise.

Is he there?

Madam Zygmundt.

Mike, Zygmundt here.

Listen, the check is in the mail on the Zeggerman case,

but I've got another trace for you.

I want you to get everything you can get on a Gloria Rollins,

who lives on Staten Island, and I've got to have it

first thing in the morning.

Hands on the table, so we can all touch hands.

Mr. Barry.

Uh...

Mrs. Rollins.

Oh, yes, Mrs. Rollins.

Have you been to a séance before,

Mrs. Rollins?

No, but I've seen it on the late show.

The moving tables, the knocking, the weird music.

Mrs. Rollins,

this is not the Late Show.

This is a genuine séance.

So, unless you'd care to forget the whole thing and leave,

I suggest that you adopt a positive attitude.

Please, Gloria, for my sake.

Oh, okay.

Oh, my, you have soft hands.

You haven't done much housework.

Now, eyes closed tight.

Feet touching.

You're squinting, Mrs. Rollins.

And I will try to pull that one small, sweet, cherished,

wise voice out of the vastness of the heavens.

See, there are billions of dead people,

so it's not an easy job to get one out of that whole crowd.

Oh, Alex, baloney.

No, it isn't.

Two presidents of the United States did this

in the White House.

Now sway with me.

Oh, I feel a presence.

It looks like her.

It feels like her.

Is that your wife, Mr. Barry?

Rica...

Is that you?

Rica...

Rica Barry...

Albert...

Yes, Rica, it's me. I'm back.

That's not Rica, that's her.

Gloria, that's the way it works.

Rica speaks through her voice.

Albert...

Albert.

You know the party I told you about?

She's here.

The blonde?

That's right.

Who lives in 4G

at 1143 New Street?

She knows everything now.

And who used to live at 8702 Namiokie Boulevard?

And used to be a brunette?

Now wait a minute!

Do you have any idea what it costs

to keep her hair the color it is now?

I don't believe this.

Please, Gloria, please.

Rica, I don't care about her hair.

She's a lovely person.

Yes, she is...

since she had her nose fixed and her chin lifted.

What?!

And that's not the only thing that's false, Al.

I'm not going to take this from that old bag!

She's not an old bag, that's my wife.

I see a long list of creditors.

I see a brother who's a bookmaker.

I don't care who it is.

Nobody is going to talk to me like that.

Gloria, it's not nice to shout at a dead woman

who's not able to defend herself.

I see an argument with the neighbors

at 8702 Namiokie Boulevard

that caused the move to 1143 New Street.

I see two young sisters

who have been in trouble ever since junior high.

I see a mother who...

That's it, I've had it. I'm leaving.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you coming with me, Al, or are you going

to stay around and listen to some more of this bunk?

It's not bunk, Al.

Is it bunk?

That's not the point.

The point is that your wife is dead

and the dead don't speak.

This dame is some kind of fake,

and if you don't have enough feeling for me

to know that she's some kind of fake...

well, then this is the end

of what could have been the beginning for us.

Albert...

can you still hear me, my sweet, darling Albert?

Yes, but I've got to leave now...

darling.

Rica's gone.

And so is Gloria.

Oh, how much extra is it for Mrs. Rollins?

She was my guest.

Oh, well, here's for me.

Thank you. Uh...

Shall I ink you in for next Friday at the usual time?

No.

I mean...

I don't know.

Well, I blew it, Max.

I should have been wise, but I was dumb.

I guess you can't push a man too much who thinks he's in love.

But I pushed.

I guess it's because I'm in love, too.

And the idea that that phony was getting him was just too much.

But she's got him now, I'm sure of that.

I pushed him right into her arms...

the only natural thing she's got.

Well, good luck to him.

I've still got you, Max.

Can I see you?

I mean, can I speak to you?

Why, of course.

Come in.

Well, Gloria and I just had a talk out there,

and she gave me an ultimatum.

Oh?

She said if I want to see her anymore,

I have to stop coming here.

And that I can't speak to Rica anymore.

Oh, well, off with the old, on with the new.

Huh?

But I can't drop Rica just like that.

We were married for 22 years.

Oh, Mr. Barry, that's a choice you're going to have to make.

I don't think I can.

Mr. Barry, can I give you some advice?

If it's a choice between Mrs. Rollins and your wife,

I think Mrs. Rollins has a point.

After all, she is a real, live woman with all of her faults,

and she can give you things that Rica can't.

And nobody's perfect, right?

I don't... I just don't know.

Mr. Barry...

I'm going to tell you something

that I never told a client.

I mean, it wouldn't be good for business.

But you never did talk to your dead wife.

I'm a fake.

No.

Yes, I'm a fake.

It's all hocus-pocus.

Those voices you heard were my voice.

Mrs. Rollins was right.

It's funny, I called her a fake,

and I'm a bigger fake than she is.

This is terrible.

How could you do such a thing?

Well, people come here

because they want to make contact so badly

and I give it to them.

Is it wrong to give comfort?

But, in your case, between a live woman and a dead one,

you have to go with the live one,

right?

I just can't believe it.

Well, shall we say good-bye, Mr. Barry?

No, no, wait.

I don't want to stop seeing you.

I just told Gloria out there that we were through

because I didn't want to stop coming back here.

And to tell you the truth,

I think I always knew, in the back of my mind,

that I wasn't really speaking to Rica.

I came here for...

for other reasons.

Why, Mr. Barry, what are you saying?

I'm saying it's not a choice between Rica and Mrs. Rollins.

It's a choice between Mrs. Rollins and you.

Oh!

Well, in that case,

my advice would be entirely different.

Oh, Mr. Barry.

Al. Please.

Oh, Al.

What do you think of that, Max?

Honesty is the best policy.

Right?

Peggy, I don't want to go to the city.

My roots are here.

Shh!

Where'd you learn to kiss like that?

India.

No wonder they're overpopulated.

Oh, Linda.

Linda, baby.

Peter, that's a no-no.

What was that?

The hot water heater, it always knocks.

In the summer?

Peter, someone's listening.

Don't turn the light on.

Somebody's listening.

No, there isn't.

I'm sure there is.

Peter, I've lost the mood.

Well, I haven't. Come back here.

No, no, I'll see you tomorrow.

Why? I love you tonight.

Peter...

Ooh. Ooh.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I, um...

I'm sorry.

It's not your fault.

Nobody can see through garbage.

See-through garbage, that's a good idea.

Let me help you.

Well, maybe if you just put it in there.

Oh, of course.

Maybe if you just put...

Oh, yeah.

Wow, I must say, your garbage

is a lot more interesting than mine.

Well, I don't know, yours is neat.

A friend of mine says you can tell a man's character

by what he throws away.

A psychiatrist?

No, a garbage collector.

What can you tell from two yogurt cartons,

some grapefruit peels and a TV dinner tray?

Well, now, I see a slim blonde girl

with a figure like a movie star who needs someone

to take her out to dinner.

Uncanny. Yeah.

What does my garbage tell you?

Uh, your garbage tells me that you fool around a lot.

Or rob a lot of banks.

Oh...

Your money or your body, this is a pickup.

You are really something else.

It's hot in there.

Hey, what apartment do you live in?

302.

That's right next to mine.

Which side?

The one on the right: 304.

You're the one.

How's your wife?

What wife?

Oh, you mean what's-her-name?

Does the name Linda come back to you?

You banged on the wall.

Maybe. There's no maybe.

You banged on the wall.

Oh... was that a no-no, Peter?

Good morning, Mr. Ellsworth.

Hello.

Miss Erick, would you like to run away to Tahiti with me?

I'd love to, if it's okay with Mrs. Ellsworth.

It probably is, but you wouldn't go.

What a beautiful bed.

That?

It's brass.

They're very in now, just like Tiffany lamps.

Yeah, well, this one is very out.

The tenant skipped

with the rent. Skipped?

Listen, could I buy it?

For you, I would give the bed from under my back.

This one you could have for $25.

That's all? It's a big

$25 because its all net, no withholding by my wife.

I mean, what she doesn't know, she doesn't get.

Cross my heart, I'll never tell her.

You know what I'm going to do with this $25?

I'm going to buy myself a fine bottle of Goldwasser

with the real gold leaf floating in the bottle.

I will get ten 50-cent cigars

and a couple of other little things I've had my eye on.

Will you put the bed in my apartment today?

All right, it will be done.

But first, the Goldwasser.

Do you mind?

No, go ahead,

but don't drink it before you move the bed.

Sam...

Sam?

Good morning, Mr. Swinger. Hi.

What's the matter?

Did you get out on the wrong side of the bed this morning?

Not this morning, last night.

Last night?

Who gets out of bed at night?

Losers.

Ah, never mind.

Hey...

Hey, this is some bed.

Who owns it?

In ten minutes, the city.

The city? It's going on the junk.

The junk?!

This bed's groovy. I'll buy it from you.

Yeah? How much?

Um...

$20.

$20 for such a groovy bed?

Thirty.

It was going on the junk.

Twenty-five.

It's yours... $27.50.

On one condition.

We don't tell Mr. Ellsworth.

Oh, holding out, huh?

What are you going to do with the money?

Oh, I'm going to the beauty parlor,

and I'm going to say, "Girls, give me the works."

We better work fast.

I'll put my old bed on the junk,

and I'll take this right up to my room.

Where he gets his strength, I'll never know.

Excuse me, miss, but I think you have...

Annie!

Sam, is that you?

Of course it's me.

Who did you think it was?

Well, I don't know.

You look different.

What did you do to yourself?

I splurged.

Looks like you splurged all over yourself.

Where did you get the money?

Never mind.

You look pretty, uh, psychedelic yourself.

It's not psychedelic, it's mod.

Mod, schmod, it still costs money.

Never mind where I got the money.

I thought you were a strange woman,

and I didn't know what you were doing,

trying to go into my apartment.

I thought you were somebody else, too.

It didn't seem to bother you much.

To tell you the truth, it was a little thrill.

Pardon me, miss,

but would you mind stepping into my apartment?

I have a bottle of genuine Goldwasser.

Oh, I don't usually go to a man's apartment,

but, um, since I happen to live there...

After you.

Come in. The door's open.

Well, uh... hello.

Ha! So there it is.

What is?

You stole my bed. What bed?

I bought that bed this morning from Mr. Ellsworth for $25.

And I bought it from Mrs. Ellsworth this morning

for $27.50.

What time?

8:45.

How do I know what time?

I bought it at 8:30, so it's mine.

But I paid $2.50 more than you did, so it's mine.

I bought it first, and I intend to keep it.

Um... um...

Look, couldn't we talk about this tomorrow?

No, I have no bed to sleep in tonight.

All right, here.

Here's ten bucks... Sleep in a hotel tonight.

We'll, we'll, we'll settle this tomorrow morning.

Goodness, she must be something very special.

Never mind about that.

Look, all day long, I've thought of nothing else

but sleeping in this bed tonight,

and this is where I'm going to sleep.

It's one night.

Be a sport.

A sport? What do you think I am?

Do you think I just jump in and out

of strange beds that casually?

It's just that I made other plans before I met you.

Well, my plans include sleeping right here tonight.

You can sleep here tomorrow night, I promise.

Oh, you do?

From tonight on, this is your bed.

From this day forward, to have and to hold.

But I have made other plans for tonight.

Well, you can cancel them, darling.

Linda.

I'm so sorry to interrupt.

Wa-Wa-Wait a minute.

What do you think is going on here?

Oh, nothing at the moment.

Just plans?

I'd sure like to be here tomorrow night.

It should be way out.

Linda, I can explain all this.

I bet you can.

You've got more brass in that bed.

Peter, you haven't even introduced us.

Uh... uh, this is, uh...

Uh... Oh, that's right, he doesn't know my name.

I'm Barbara Erick.

You don't even know her name?

I can explain that.

Don't bother.

You can have him, Barbara.

Tonight, tomorrow night, and any other night after that.

Good night.

Linda.

Peter, that's a no-no.

Now look what you've done.

I had been planning this for months.

I didn't like her.

You didn't like her?

She has a dirty mind.

Get out of this apartment.

Not without my bed.

You're not getting this bed.

I wouldn't give you this bed

if this bed was the last bed on earth.

Oh, no?

Furthermore, I think you made this whole thing up.

What?!

Yeah, just so you could get into my apartment.

You rat.

I'll show you.

Mr. Ellsworth, this is Barbara Erick.

Would you come up to 304, please?

Do I have to?

You should see my wife.

I come home; she's suddenly a gorgeous chick.

You have to.

Okay.

Okay, watch this.

Mrs. Ellsworth, this is Peter.

Could you come up to 304, please?

What's going on?

We're relaxing here, sipping a little Goldwasser,

and all of a sudden... This is an emergency.

So is this.

Okay.

You really are a mean, jealous female.

Jealous?!

Jealous of what you heard last night.

Come in.

What's the emergency?

And it'd better be good,

because what you interrupted was excellent.

Mr. Ellsworth, did you or did you not sell me this bed

at precisely 8:30 this morning for $25?

Well, uh...

Mrs. Ellsworth, did you

or did you not sell me this bed this morning at approximately 8:45?

You sold the bed?

You sold the bed?

Don't change the subject.

You didn't tell me.

You didn't tell me.

But... you like the way I look now.

And you didn't mind the Goldwasser.

So let's forget it. So let's forget it.

What about us?

This mean, cheap, conniving, lecherous, crummy bum

won't give me my bed.

Lecherous?!

You mean normal, healthy.

Of course you wouldn't know about those kind of adjectives.

What?

Because you're an uptight, jealous female.

Jealous? Jealous!

Jealous of... of normal, healthy, animal fun.

You're repeating yourself.

It bears repeating.

This is no place for us.

You know what you ought to do?

You ought to join a free love cult or something.

Shake yourself out.

Get the moths out of your bustle.

What are you talking about?

I mean it! You think like an old woman.

Oh, you're sick.

You're really sick!

All right, all right, I'm sick!

So sick I'm going to bed.

In my bed!

If you'll excuse me.

If you think you're bluffing me

out of this bed, you're so wrong.

And if you think I'm bluffing, you're so wrong.

I sleep in my underwear.

Hmph! That figures.

I usually pick this side.

I suppose you think you're going to scare me off

with this childish nonsense.

Run home screaming to mama.

I don't care what you do, I'm going to sleep.

Well, in that case... if you'll excuse me.

Hey, that's the bathroom!

The door's over there.

Oh, I'm not leaving.

I'm staying right here.

You're going to sleep in the bathroom?

No, in the bed.

Stop bluffing and go home.

I sleep in my slip.

You're crazy.

Give me the bed.

Oh, no.

I refuse to be blackmailed this way.

Okay.

Come here.

What for?

I think there should be something

between two people who share the same bed.

So, we'll have something between us.

A wall.

Grab the other end.

Well, now what?

Right down the middle.

Why'd you buy this thing, anyhow?

Well, not for this, I can tell you that. Sentiment.

First food I ate in New York came out of one of those slots.

Right down the middle.

There.

Just like a New England bundling board.

Yeah, with knot holes.

Good night, Peter.

You're really crazy.

You could be certified, you know that?

Can I have a cigarette?

They're on your night table.

All right.

It's in cheese sandwich.

Thanks.

Can I have an ashtray?

Why not?

That'd be in, uh, bacon, lettuce and tomato.

That's kind of you, considering.

Well, I wouldn't want you to set the bed on fire with me in it.

Why not? Iron doesn't burn.

What's a nice girl like you doing in a bed like this?

Oh, just lucky, I guess.

Come on, you shouldn't be in this bed and you know it.

I'm safe enough.

Never heard of a girl being assaulted

through a ham sand or poppy seed rolls.

You ought to be spanked.

That would be, uh, pie.

Dutch apple.

Very funny.

A square with a hip sense of humor.

Good night, Peter.

Good night.

Good night.

Ow! Oh, my God!

My arm's stuck.

I'll get it out.

I-I think... I think it's swelling.

Oops. What should I do?

Call the fire department or something?

No, just read the Daily News.

"Firemen freed lover caught in Automat slot."

Oh, uh, I'll call Mr. Ellsworth.

Mr. Ellsworth, I'm sorry to wake you up.

This is Barbara.

You're not waking me up.

When I sold you the bed, my whole life changed.

Listen, could you come up right away?

Still 304?

You want me to bring wine?

No, a crowbar.

A crowbar?!

Can I get you anything?

It's starting to hurt.

I'll be right back.

Where's your mouth, Peter?

I think it's somewhere near cake, devil's food.

Here it is.

"Muffin's bran."

Open your mouth.

Can you center it more?

Did you say Pete?

No, I said center your mouth more.

Did I get it?

I guess I did.

Now, open wider.

The way young people have fun these days.

This isn't what they call an orgy, is it?

Oh, I'm so glad you're here, Mr. Ellsworth.

Peter's got his arm stuck.

I'm a simple man.

What's happening?

Get my arm out!

How could he do this?

Ow!

Be careful!

Stop with the crowbar!

What this calls for, I will get.

What's that?

Chicken fat.

Are you all right, Pete?

You said that word again.

Maybe a little Goldwasser to ease the pain.

You brought the bottle anyhow.

Well, sometimes, when a crowbar doesn't work...

I don't think I could survive Goldwasser.

A teaspoon of water can drown him.

Now, this will be a little warm; it's melted.

You're an angel.

Chicken fat first, solicitations later.

You're a genius.

Give some credit to my wonder drug.

Thanks, thanks a million.

Well, have you, uh, decided about the bed yet?

Uh, no.

We're working it out.

Oh, working it out.

That's nice.

I think we'll work it out, don't you?

Well, could be.

What a nice way to negotiate.

Now, before we get down to any hard bargaining...

I know you like the Marines, Lamar,

but why can't we just approach the beach like everybody else?

Look, I don't want to talk about it. Why?

I just don't want to talk about it.

Listen, did you take her

to your house? That's my business.

You chickened out, that's all.

Why don't you guys lay off?

Do you want the rest of your French fries?

Listen, did you get her to your house or not?

No. Why not for gosh sakes?

You got the chance of a lifetime, man.

A whole big house all to yourself,

your folks out of town and everything?

I know, I know.

Hey, Steve, do you want the rest of your French fries?

You know they'll be back Sunday. You only got a few days left.

You're going to blow it, man. You're really going to blow it.

Listen, you didn't take Sherry back to the house last night, why not?

Look, I had to get her home early.

How about that Louise you took out Monday night, hmm?

I had to get her home early, too.

How come he always gets these early birds and I always get late worms?

Hey, listen,

how about renting your house to Gary and me for a night?

We'll pay you $25 right, Gary?

Yeah, and we'll throw an orgy. The greatest party you ever saw.

Hey, I'm in.

You want that pickle? Forget it.

You guys don't have 25 bucks

and even if you did, you can't use our house.

What, even for an orgy?

I mean, we'd fix it up.

This could be your chance. You better think it over.

Yeah, you know what he'd say the next day?

He had to get her home early.

Oh, yeah, baloney.

You know, I think your the last guy in our class.

And that includes fat face,

right, Chuck?

Everything okay here?

Well, the coffee was pretty bad.

Who made it, you?

You shouldn't be drinking coffee anyway.

High school boys should stick to milk.

Oh, come on. Come off it.

Hey, you really went all out today.

You gonna starve the rest of the week

till you get your allowance?

Are you kidding? We're loaded.

Yeah, you little tycoons want some dessert?

No, thanks.

No. No.

How much is a small malt?

18 cents.

Could I maybe get half a small malt?

No, you have to have a whole small malt or nothing.

Now, there is a great-looking chick.

Yep. Yep.

Why don't you take her out?

Are you kidding? I'm juggling so many chicks now.

Hey! Hey!

What, what's the matter?

You... you ought to take out Florine.

She's the perfect girl for you.

Florine?

Sure.

Come off it.

No, you come off it.

Listen, what if you had the kind of a girl

that didn't have to get home early?

What then?

Are you kidding?

No, we're telling you.

Florine.

She'll stay out as long as you like.

No, you guys are nuts. She's too old for me.

That's what you want, a girl with experience.

How do you know she's got experience?

Just take a look at her.

She's got to be at least 22.

No, forget it.

You want me to ask her for you?

I'll ask her. No, I don't want you to...

Hey, Florine, would you come over here a minute, please?

Yeah, would you come over, please?

Just take it easy. Let Gary handle it.

Yeah, what are you worried about?

I'll do the talking.

Well, what do you want now?

Half a piece of pie?

Half a scoop of ice cream?

No, no.

Well, what is it?

Uh, Bill wants to say something to you.

Oh, come on, don't... What do you want to ask me?

Nothing, nothing.

Come on, ask her! Now's your chance.

Look, these guys, they're just kidding around.

It's now or never. Ask her.

Look, whatever it is, why don't you say it and get it over with.

I have things to do.

Well...

I mean, uh...

You wouldn't want to go out with me, would you?

Why not?

See? I told you, she wouldn't want to go out with me.

I think she said she would.

Huh?

You think you said you would?

I did say I would.

When?

Tonight, I guess.

Okay, how about 8:00, out in front, all right?

Fine, okay.

Well, looks like I have a date for tonight.

Thanks, Gary, you know, I never would have asked her

if it hadn't been for you.

Well, I guess I better get going.

You know, I have to go home and get dressed.

He asked her and she said yes, just like that.

Yeah.

Gee, everybody in school

has been trying to get a date with her and he got one.

That's great, ain't it?

Oh, shut up.

Well, why?

Didn't you say yourself you were trying

to get a date with her last week, Gary?

What'd you do that for?

What did you think of the movie tonight?

It was good.

Yeah, it was, uh, a little daring though, wasn't it?

I mean, they emphasized sex an awful lot, you know.

All those people in bed and things.

I don't know.

It seemed pretty natural to me.

I mean, it is natural for people, isn't it?

Well, yeah, it's natural, sure.

Most natural thing in the world.

Here.

Thank you.

How is it?

It's not bad.

A little too much sugar, but it's okay.

Aren't you having any?

Uh, no. Not right now.

I think a little later.

You know, my father's kind of a well-known guy.

Yeah, he owns the High Style shoe stores.

You know, discontinued shoes.

Oh, really?

He's got 17 stores all over the state.

Oh, really? Yeah.

I bought shoes there.

Someday that'll all be mine.

One of the heels came off. What?

One of the heels came off the shoes I bought at your father's.

Well, look, take them back.

Ask for Ben.

See, even if they're discontinued, he stands behind them.

Oh, okay... Ben.

Feel kind of warm in here?

Yeah, kind of.

Yeah. I'll turn the heat off.

I'll take my sweater off.

I'll leave the heat on.

Yeah, someday, that'll all be mine, all those shoes.

Oh, would you like some music?

Oh, that'd be nice.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah.

You like dancing?

Oh, I love to dance.

Yeah, that music's got a good beat.

Good for dancing.

Great for dancing.

Hey, why don't we dance?

Hey, great idea.

Now we bring you the 11:00 news...

Dance the next one.

I'll get another station.

Rumors of official activity...

In Congress today a new bill was proposed

that would make it illegal...

Was learned from a very reliable source today

close to the Pentagon...

The leaders as usual were silent...

It's 11:00.

They all have news for five minutes.

Well, we'll dance in five minutes.

All right.

Yeah, my father owns all those shoe stores, 17 shoe stores.

Why do you always talk about your father?

Let's talk about you.

I think you're cute.

You do?

Mm-hmm.

There's something very different about you.

Most men,

if I were alone with them like this,

I'd be fighting them off right now.

Oh... No, no, no.

I like you.

You're cute.

Women are funny.

We play hard to get, but there's always one guy,

and when he comes along, well, we just kind of get helpless.

Really?

Where do you sleep?

What?

Uh, right here in the den.

Yeah?

Yeah, well, with everybody away, I like sleeping down here.

See, I've got the TV and the radio, it's not as lonely.

What do you sleep on?

On the couch here.

Oh, you're a sly one.

You mean I'm actually in your bed.

No, no, I...

Well, no, uh...

I don't suppose my folks would come home tonight.

What?

Well, they're supposed to be gone for the whole week.

Unless the weather's bad.

My father's the impatient type.

If it rains, he leaves.

I read in the paper it was raining quite a bit there.

Although, if they were coming back today, they'd call first.

Of course, we were at the movies,

so if they called, we wouldn't know.

Look, just relax, okay?

They're not coming home tonight.

No, no, I don't suppose so.

Uh, unless it rains.

Even then, they'd call first.

It's the phone! It's the phone!

That's what it is.

What should I do?

Why don't you answer it?

It might be my folks.

Well, what's wrong with that?

I don't want them to know you're here.

Well, they won't know on the phone.

That's right.

Listen, when I answer it, please be quiet.

And don't say anything. I won't.

Hello.

They hung up.

I better call them back.

No, no! You don't even know it's them.

Of course it's them!

Who else is it going to be at a time like this?

Now, look, don't panic.

I'm sure whoever it is will call again.

Yeah... yeah, that's right.

And even if it was them, and they were at the airport,

it would take them at least five or six hours.

Sure.

But what if they're at the airport here?

What?

You don't even know if it was your folks.

It was them, I know it was them.

Look, even if it was them and even if they are at the airport,

it would take at least an hour...

Yeah, but what if they should decide to, you know, if...

Look, I think I'm just taking your mind off your mother and father.

What?

Forget it.

Are you going?

Yeah.

Well, wait, I'll drive you home, at least.

We took my car, remember?

Good-bye, Bill.

I don't want to talk about it.

Why not? Look, I just don't. It's not fair.

What does that mean?

Where did you go after you picked her up?

To a movie.

Yeah, yeah, and then what?

We went out for some ice cream.

And then what? Did you take her

to your house or not? Yeah.

Oh, come on. You did not.

No, I did, I did.

What are you giving us?

You never got her to your house. I did, I really did.

I wonder if they have any chocolate donuts here.

Shh, quiet.

All right, so what happened when you got her to your place?

I don't want to talk about it.

Chickened out again.

I didn't say that.

Got her to the house...

And she had to get home early.

For a late date.

Why don't you guys just lay off me?

The Chicken King.

Yeah, that's what

we'll call you from now on, The Chicken King.

You boys want something?

Well, uh, Bill does.

Hi. I was so busy I didn't see you sitting here.

How are you feeling this morning, sweetheart?

What?

Oh, I'm fine, fine.

Well, I'm not.

I'm tired.

I'm sure glad I'm not going steady with you.

We certainly had a big evening.

What a man.

Well, excuse me, I have an order to pick up.

See you later, tiger.

Listen, guys, I'm going to go to class.

I'll get something to eat later.

Excuse me.

Listen, I don't get it.

What really happened last night?

Well, I'm certainly not going to marry for money, I'll tell you that.

Me either.

I'm just going to hang around with rich guys

until I fall in love with one.