Original subtitles

Oh, Lamar!

Oh, Lamar, it's beautiful!

Oh, but whatever do you see in little old me?

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight you will see three separate views of:

The Park Avenue version of "My Son The Bachelor";

a beautiful, high-powered home wrecker;

and our first story about a young man's rise

to the heights of romance, which we call...

♪ ♪

It isn't going to help you, Marvin.

There's a lot of truth here.

Oh, truth.

I'm telling you, those are a lot of crazy books.

Think positive, be positive, smell positive.

The only thing I'm positive about is that you have

too many books.

Mama, if you believe, they'll help.

I'm your mother and I love you.

Believe me, it's not going to help.

You are what you are.

Look, if you wanted to be Rock Hudson

and you already were Rock Hudson,

then you may have a chance to be Rock Hudson.

Mama, these books are full of stories about people

who became big business tycoons

just because they believed in positive thinking.

But you're thinking crazy.

There is nothing wrong with me knowing and believing

in my innermost self,

that I am actually a big man.

And I am your mother.

I just don't want to see you get hurt.

Oh, Marvin, you are headed for such a heartbreak.

No, Mom, I believe, so I am.

How can you believe you're six-foot-two

when you bend over and you're lost beside the footstool?

That's negative thinking.

Well, all I know is,

a little man should have a nice little wife.

Now, Brenda is...

Mama, forget about Brenda.

And what's the matter with Brenda?

She's got a mustache.

Ah, maybe a little fuzz, but...

Marvin, how many girls do you know that can look up at you?

Mom.

How many girls

over four years old?

Mama, it says in those books

that outward appearances are not true reality.

You are what you think you are.

I'm just thinking positive, that's all.

You really believe you're this, this Tarzan image?

Marvin,

sweetheart, I only know one person that can grow

from five-feet-three to six-foot-two.

Who?

Plastic Man.

Oh, Marvin, let me ask Brenda over.

Sit and talk.

Mama, I don't love Brenda.

I love Sylvia.

It'll be fun, Sylvia.

I'm sorry, Marvin,

but I already have a date with Roger for tomorrow night.

Okay, how about the day after tomorrow?

Oh... you kill me.

Why?

Look at us.

It just wouldn't work.

Why?

I might lose you.

As it is, I have to be careful not to step on you.

Come on, Sylvia, we'd have laughs.

We'd be laughed at.

I'm sorry, Marvin.

You're a nice guy, Marvin.

I really like you,

but maybe you ought to pick on somebody your own size.

Are you going to the toy department, too?

Sure, she threw you a kiss.

She couldn't give it to you.

She's two feet higher than you are.

She used to just say no.

I tell you, it's working.

Positive thinking is working.

Oh, working.

Big deal.

She threw you a kiss.

Mom, it's all in the way you look at it,

and how you look at it...

Is how it is.

I know, I know.

Oh, were you expecting someone tonight, Mom?

Oh, just Mrs. Foreman... and, and Brenda.

Ah, Brenda.

Well, I guess I'll go in my room and read.

Now, stop reading.

You're tall enough.

Y-You just stay and say hello, at least.

Now, sit.

Well, look who's here.

I brought Brenda tonight.

I hope you don't mind.

Mind? I should say not.

Marvin, look who's here.

Little Brenda.

She looks so darling.

She's so cute.

What a lovely surprise.

Yeah, surprise.

Well, uh, what are you doing home tonight,

Marvin?

I skipped basketball practice tonight.

Isn't that nice?

Well, you two young people can keep each other company

while Grace and I play gin.

Fine.

Well, Brenda, you want to go in my bedroom

and watch me read a book?

You don't like me too much, do you, Marvin?

Whatever gave you that idea?

Oh, I'm just perceptive, I guess.

Look, Brenda, it's not that I don't like you.

It's just that I've been doing a lot of reading lately and...

Yeah, I noticed.

That's the second book since I've been in here.

I'm sorry.

What's the matter with me?

Nothing.

Nothing's wrong with you, Brenda.

It's just you're too short for me, that's all.

Oh, Marvin, what a terrible thing to say.

Well, don't take it wrong.

I used to be short, too.

I understand.

What do you mean?

You're the same size I am.

They're sitting on the bed together.

The bed? Mm-hmm.

You think they're all right?

Too right.

That's all they're doing, just sitting.

Well, things have changed.

Can you imagine what would have happened

if my father had sat on a bed with his girl?

He would have broken the bed down.

He weighed 300 pounds.

Say, you know, if this works, we may be in-laws.

Don't say "may be," say "will."

Think positive.

I'm too short for you?

I like the tall, statuesque type.

You're kidding.

Look, Brenda, one day you'll meet a nice little guy

and he'll be just right for you.

But you're a nice little guy.

I am not.

You're making fun of me, aren't you?

You're just putting me on.

Brenda, I'm not making fun of you.

Yes, you are.

Look, Brenda,

if you're interested in changing, I've got...

What happened?

Marvin, he...

What did he do?

We were on the bed and he...

When I looked, they were just sitting.

Maybe I underestimated her.

Come on, honey, let's go home.

We'll have a nice talk.

Well...

Don't be hard on him.

He can't help it if he's a man.

How could you tell her she was too small for you?

Mom, I'm sorry, but it was your idea to have her over.

I was just being honest.

This is crazy.

Mighty Mouse telling Minnie Mouse

she's a mouse.

Marvin, why don't you call Bernie's uncle?

What do I need a psychiatrist for?

Be honest with your mother.

I've seen it already.

Seen what?

This, I found it in your drawer.

It's very interesting.

Marvin, this is five feet, three inches long

and written on it says six-foot-two,

and that's not healthy.

Mom, it just helps me to think positive.

It's called a visual aid.

A visual aid.

Mm-hmm.

So if I want to remarry and I want Michael Caine,

all I have to do is get a big poster of him

and put it on my wall and think positive?

You might have a chance.

I have no chance, none, and neither do you.

Marvin, you are a little man.

You are not six-foot-two.

You are five feet, three inches tall

and all the positive thinking in the world

isn't going to make you any bigger.

Sweetheart, you are a little man.

We just couldn't go out together.

Why not?

Where could we go?

If we went to the theater, people would keep thinking

there's an empty seat next to me.

Everybody would laugh at us.

Nobody would laugh.

Then they'd stare.

The only reason they'd stare is because you're so beautiful.

You're sweet, Marvin, you really are.

I wish there was some way.

If you were just a little taller.

Why don't you wear some elevator shoes?

I'm wearing them now.

I'm sorry.

I've even got an inch of cardboard in each heel.

I used to fall forward a lot till I got used to it.

Marvin, I hope I didn't offend you.

Hi, Syl.

Oh, sorry, Marv, I didn't see you down there.

You going to the Treetoppers dance Saturday night, Syl?

Uh, I think so.

Good, I'll pick you up about 8:00.

Well...

Listen, I'll just blow the horn and you come down.

That way I won't have to look for a place to park.

What's the Treetoppers Club?

It's a social club for tall people.

Hmm, maybe I ought to join.

Marvin, if you're a girl, you have to be over five-eight.

If you're a guy, you have to be over six feet.

You couldn't get in as a girl.

I could if I believed I could.

Oh, Marvin.

Where do I get an application?

Marvin, look,

if you'll forget all this nonsense,

I'll go out with you, once anyway.

See, it worked?

I knew you'd go out with me.

I told you everybody would laugh.

Nobody laughed.

If they didn't, it's because

they were too busy staring at us.

I told you, the only reason

people stare at us is because you're so beautiful.

Oh, Marvin.

I got a surprise for tomorrow. You bought stilts?

No, I got tickets for the Grand Polish Ballet.

The Royal Polish Ballet?

Why, that's been sold out for weeks.

How did you manage that?

Positive thinking.

And my janitor's niece is in it.

Okay?

Mm, Marvin, I just don't know.

I did want to see that ballet.

I understand the magic pig suite is beautiful.

I'll think about it.

Tonight was kind of fun,

everything considered.

Oh, Sylvia, wait a minute.

Good night, Sylvia.

Well, good night, Marvin.

All alone in the hall with no one to love it.

No wonder it's dying.

I love you, little plant.

Oh.

Good night, Sylvia.

That must have been a sight.

He must have had a great night

just standing there staring into your knee caps.

Hmm. At least he's not an egotistical bore

like some dates I've had.

He's intelligent, sweet, considerate.

And he has to stand on his tiptoes

to tie his shoelaces.

Stop it, Roger.

Oh, so that's the way it is, huh?

Well, you have fun with Toulouse-Lautrec, baby,

'cause Big old Roger is on his way to greener pastures.

Roger?

I'm sorry.

That's better.

Okay, Marvin, but this is definitely the last date.

See you at 7:00.

Proof positive, Ma.

We got another date.

So?

Buy a folding step stool. Hmm.

It was fun, wasn't it?

Come on, admit it... People were laughing.

Yeah, just maybe a little.

Oh, you were so funny, Marvin.

The way nobody could see you behind the bar,

and you kept changing everybody's drinks.

Yeah. I think the guy was really getting stoned

on grapefruit juice.

Hey, Sylvia, how about tomorrow night?

You promised, remember?

Yeah.

And Roger and I do have a thing, you know?

Yeah, well, okay, Sylvia.

Good night and thanks.

Boy, I just know it'd work.

So long.

Marvin?

See? Even plants respond to love.

For old times sake.

Oh, Sylvia, you don't...

I want to.

Marvin, I...

If you weren't such a little guy...

Why do you keep saying that?

Well, it's just that I...

Don't you see?

I'm not the little guy.

Roger's the little guy.

Honey, you see,

it's all in the way you measure a man.

Well, so long.

It was such a beautiful wedding.

Yes, just beautiful.

It was lovely, wasn't it? Yeah.

And now you're leaving for your honeymoon.

I just can't believe it.

I can't believe it, either.

Yeah, well, we'd better get going

if we're going to catch our plane.

Bye, Mama.

Bye, darling.

Good-bye, Mother. Good-bye, dear.

Bye, Brenda.

Bye. Have a lovely time on your honeymoon.

We will.

I just can't believe it.

Oh, Mama, in case you need us,

this is where we're going to be staying.

It's the Paul Bunyan Hotel.

Yes, they have those king-sized beds there.

Marvin needs a lot of room, you know.

A king-sized bed? King-sized beds?

Well, let's get going.

Watch out for the top of the doorway, sweetheart.

You don't want to hit your head.

Thanks, honey bun.

Bye.

I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it.

I don't believe it, either.

Oh, never mind, Brenda.

Pretty soon you'll be getting married

and going off on your own honeymoon.

Oh, I don't know.

Men don't seem to find me too interesting.

I guess Marvin was right.

I'm just too short.

Brenda.

Well, thank you, Mr. Richter.

I'd appreciate that.

And... And I'm sorry to have bothered you. Thank you.

Well, I don't know where else to try.

He left the office at 4:00.

4:00? That-That's almost four hours ago.

He could have made it here on his hands and knees

if he really wanted to come home.

Well, he wasn't due here until 6:00.

Oh, pardon me.

He's just two hours late.

Of course, it only happens to be my birthday.

I guess he forgot about that.

Oh, Dad.

Like I've got so many left.

If he had the kind of accident where he couldn't call...

I better try the police.

No!

Oh, that's the worst thing you can do.

Mother! Well, um...

There hasn't been any accident.

The man bought a new car, for heaven's sakes.

He's like a child with a new toy.

Or maybe he went back to the office

to give his secretary a ride home.

Lewis, she's married.

Please, grow up.

What a thing to say at a time like this.

What do you mean, at a time like this?

Well, it's the kind of thing that could occur to any man.

Dad, cool it.

The way you think.

Thinking is not the point.

Point is that a woman's beautiful face and figure

imposes itself visually on a man's retina.

If he's conscious, he thinks.

Oh!

Information?

I'd like the number

of Corey Allen Smith Automobile Dealers on Main.

And suggesting that a man is showing off a new car

to a curvy doll is certainly far healthier

than to imagine him lying dead on some highway.

Hmm.

555-9388?

Thank you.

I'm going home.

How?

We let Billy have our car.

I'll, I'll call a cab.

We are not going to go home!

Look here. This is my birthday

and we're going to do what I want to do,

and I want to celebrate it.

I want to eat out.

They're closed.

Will you call us a cab, dear?

No, no, no, no, no, no. We are not going home.

You're making me very nervous!

Just learn to live with it.

Oh, please,

let's go! If something has happened...

All right, suppose something has happened.

We should be here then, shouldn't we?

Say there's a disaster.

We'd want to be right here with our daughter,

wouldn't we, wouldn't we?

Oh, of course we would.

Who said we wouldn't?

All right, so we get home

and then we hear about the disaster.

We have to come right back here

and there's another cab.

Oh, money.

That's what you really care about.

Now when we get right down to it...

Who said anything about money?!

Or cab fare, whatever.

Will you two please stop it?

I'm concerned about my husband

and I don't want to have to listen to this.

What kind of a car did he buy, honey?

Oh, I don't know.

You don't know?

You mean you had nothing to do with deciding

what kind of a car?

What was the one he traded in?

Now for heaven's sakes,

an automobile is the second-largest investment

any young family makes.

First your home...

This is something that he wanted to do...

Your daddy's right, dear.

Just because Rob inherited a little money,

you know, in a good marriage, people share things.

Community property, baby.

In this state, you own half of that car.

Right down the middle, no matter what make or model.

Shh.

It's him! Rog!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Dad!

No, no, no, he's late.

He's my husband!

He is a late husband, two hours late.

Dad, will you please...?!

Don't you dare go out there to him.

Make him come in here to us.

It's my birthday!

What do you want to do?

Do you want to make him stand in the corner?

Or maybe he should bring a note from his mother.

I'm sure he has a very good reason why he's late.

What is he doing out there?

You and your brother were both raised

to be responsible citizens.

You have me to thank for that.

Thanks, Dad.

Now, will you please...?

He doesn't even respect his own father-in-law's birthday.

I don't see why I should move... Oh!

Oh, Mr. Curtain, gee, I'm so sorry.

Don't do that!

I'm sorry. I didn't see you.

Where have you been? The dinner!

The dinner? The dinner!

Your birthday.

I forgot.

Oh, look, man, I'm sorry.

Now that we know he's not dead,

let's get out of here and go to dinner.

Mr. Curtain, I'm sorry.

It was all my fault.

I was so carried away with the car

that I forgot everything else.

It's childish, I know.

But I got this car.

But you left the office at 4:00.

And it's almost 8:00.

I went for a ride.

A ride?

I got carried away.

I drove up to Point Avila.

Point Avila?

That's two hours from here.

One hour, 23 minutes and 17 seconds elapsed time.

Oh, honey, she's beautiful!

She corners, she responds, you'll love her.

Who will love who?

The car, Mother.

Come on, Mrs. Curtain, I want to show you something.

The most beautiful thing you've ever seen, come on.

Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold...

Just, just one minute, just one minute.

You say that it took you an hour and 23 minutes

to get from here to Point Avila?

That's right.

And the same length of time to come back?

Right.

What were you doing the rest of the time?

I stopped to read the manual.

You could have called.

I mean, even if you forgot about Dad and myself,

you could have let Pat know.

She's your wife, your very good friend.

Mother.

How do you get into it?

With a pair of scissors?

You don't drive it with this thing on?

No, I just thought I'd get in the habit right away

of keeping it covered.

Now, you want to see something?

Independent suspension, all four wheels.

Oh, well, it's different.

It's foreign.

Disc brakes, front and back.

You'll have to send to Sicily to get a new spark plug.

Four Webbers... Great corporation.

Terribly low.

240 honest horses.

You traded in the family car?

Patty, you can't drive a stick shift, can you?

Well, Dad, I never drive anyway.

Rob takes the car to work.

Now, you really want to see something?

Take a look.

It's used!

Previously owned.

Why did you buy a used car, Rob?

Yep, buy a used car, buy somebody else's troubles.

Well, I couldn't afford a new one.

Only ten people in the country have those.

Mm-hmm, ten fools.

You like it, honey?

Well, yeah, I guess so.

It's... it's kind of cute.

Where's the back seat?

What?

Where's the back seat?

There's only room for two people.

How about that, Rob?

Look here, there's only room for two people.

Well, that's the way they are.

They're all like that.

Well, how are we going to get to dinner?

Didn't you bring your car?

No, they didn't bring their car.

They let Billy take it.

Oh.

Isn't that just great? Isn't that just great?

Man goes out and buys a car...

He's a married man.

He's got parents, he buys a car, it only seats two people.

Would you believe that?

You know something else, Rob?

Mother and I will never be able to take a ride with you kids

ever, ever, ever, let alone go to dinner with you tonight.

Yeah, well, I'm really sorry about that.

It's all right, it's all right.

Come on. Let's go, Mother. Mother, let's go.

We'll just walk up to the corner and call a cab.

Dad, we'll meet you at the restaurant.

Oh, look,

I can ferry you one at a time up to the corner if you want.

No, no, no. It's all right.

Let's go.

This is the worst birthday I have ever had.

Gee, honey, I'm sorry.

I really didn't mean to get him upset, you know.

I know. Your timing was off.

Two hours late with a two-seater car

on his birthday.

Well, shall we go to the restaurant?

Okay.

But listen, drive slow

because I don't want to pass them on the way to the corner.

Oh, wait a minute, honey.

Uh, would you like to take your shoes off?

You don't want to scuff the carpeting.

Zip.

Do you know if there's a...

Stand still will you?

Is there a weather report on?

There's storm warnings up.

You're kidding.

No, bulletin: all foreign cars off the street.

Sandstorm headed this way.

You try too hard.

When you're second best...

Aw, come on.

Listen, uh, why don't we walk

over to Janet's?

It's only around the corner.

You don't want to take the car?

No, I'll take the car.

Let's take the car.

I just thought, well, we never get any exercise.

We could jog over.

Seriously?

Well, you know, I mean, if you really want to.

You really mean that, don't you?

Rather than take that car,

you'd let me run 18 blocks in these shoes.

Oh, come on, you sound like your old man.

Rob, stop trying to manipulate me.

You don't want to take the car.

No, I want to take the car.

The only thing is,

they've torn up that street.

The air is full of dust.

Park it on Raney Drive.

Raney Drive?

At this time of year

with those weeping willow trees?

You know what that sap does to the paint.

No sap is going to eat through

423 coats of car wax.

I'll call Dave Palmer.

He'll let me use his garage.

It's only a couple of blocks from Janet's.

We never get any exercise.

Hmm.

Rob!

Rob, come on, we're going to be late for the picnic.

Oh, I can't go, honey.

You go yourself if you want to.

Well, why can't you go?

I have to get the heads checked.

It was coughing this morning

and I was afraid of this sort of thing.

Now I'm sure of it.

Well, you don't have to get the heads checked right now, do you?

I'm afraid I do in half an hour.

I'd call a mechanic, but he says

you shouldn't let a thing like this go by.

It could develop complications, you know?

I'm gonna get it done.

Mm...!

Honey, what are you doing?

I'm letting the air out of the tires, honey.

Pat, come on!

You want to embrace this machine,

you want to be locked in her arms, well, okay.

Honey, that lets the car down on me.

You bet.

You don't want to do that.

Ruins the tires.

Rob, Rob, you're having a relationship

with this thing.

Oh, Pat, come on, will you?

You spend more time alone in this garage.

It's an investment.

She has to be maintained.

It's like, like a precision instrument.

If you say that one more time...

Look, honey, she's just as much yours as she is mine.

Oh, sure. Sure you are, sweetie, yeah.

I mean it.

Really, honey, it's our car.

All right, when do I start driving our car?

Driving?

Well, all right.

I'll start shopping around for a good driving school.

I am not going to any school. I know how to drive a car.

I can drive as well as you.

Now all I need to learn is how to shift

and you can teach me that.

It's not a good idea

for a husband to teach a wife or vice versa.

We've been

through all that.

All right, I'll teach myself.

I'll putter around in the afternoon.

Putter around?!

You don't putter around in a car like this.

Rob, it is half mine, right?

Community property?

I promise I won't destroy more than half of it.

I'm gonna drive this car.

Pat... Pat!

We'll work it out, give me time.

Don't be so impatient.

Daddy! What are you doing?

Somebody left this on your back step.

I know.

You know, everybody complains

about the price of food.

You know how much you could save

on your grocery bill if we could simply eliminate

things like shoplifting and bad checks

and in-store stealing.

Honey, you just shouldn't take these.

I didn't take it.

4.2%.

Now, Daddy, don't start lecturing me.

All this talk about law and order, law and order.

It's just lip service. That's all it is.

Lip service, permissiveness.

Will you please take this back outside where you found it?

We have a cart-pickup service.

The market collects them.

No kidding? That's a good idea.

I guess there are a lot of ladies

like yourself who don't have the use of a car

to do the family shopping, hmm?

Dad, please.

Has he let you drive his little hot mama yet?

No. No, but he will, he will.

How long has he had it now, about four weeks?

You know, I learned

to drive my uncle's locomobile sedan in just one afternoon.

Boy, you had to double-clutch to get that baby into second.

Well, of course, you're a man.

That's true. I was a 13-year-old man.

Dad, I have to go to a picnic.

Would you like me to give you a ride?

No, I want the exercise.

Happy to run you over.

Listen, Dad, did you want anything in particular,

or did you just drop by to be unfriendly?

You know, you always were the saltiest one of the kids.

You want me to give you some advice?

No.

Burn the car.

You know, when you two start having separate interests,

the first thing you know, you'll start drifting apart.

Believe me, I know. I...

Patty? Patty!

I'm here, I'm here.

Once upon a time,

I had a pair of, oh, beautiful, silver-plated target rifles.

I tell you, they were gorg...

gorgeous scrollwork on them

They must have been worth a thousand dollars,

including the mahogany case.

Well, do you know that your mother actually got jealous

when I got so involved with those rifles?

It almost broke us up.

Dad, I'm leaving.

Say, if you want me to,

I could, you know, maybe mention it to him.

Mention what to whom?

To Rob, about getting rid of the car.

Did I say anything about getting rid of the car?

Now did I?

You can level with me, honey.

I'm your father.

Dad, don't you dare say a thing.

All right, I won't, I won't.

Don't worry. I know when to keep my mouth shut.

Sure, sure, sure, that's the easy way out.

Just stand to one side

and let your whole marriage go right down the drain.

It doesn't take any strength of character

to be irresponsible.

Nobody listens.

Hey, you.

You really get your kicks out of this, don't you?

It's a lot of work.

Yeah, well, you know, it's a big investment.

You know, a car like this can depreciate,

oh, I don't know, maybe 50% just like that.

I never thought about it.

Yeah.

Say, do you remember Irv Coats?

He lives a couple of doors from me.

No, I don't think I ever met...

Oh, you remember, he's that 55-year-old swinger.

He's got the gray toupee?

You know, Irv?

He's always doing handstands.

He comes in your house and stands on his hands.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Well, Irv is looking for a car like this

ever since he got hooked up with that go-go girl.

You know, I bet

that I could get him to make you an even swap.

Swap for what?

He's got a brand-new station wagon.

Yes, sirree, it's air-conditioned,

four-way tailgate, stereo tape deck.

Sensational

family car; it holds eight people.

Forget it.

And I bet the darn fool would just trade you even.

You know?

Or, I don't know,

maybe you might have to give him maybe 150 bucks.

I'm not interested.

But, Rob, the car's only got 2,600 miles.

It's the year's top-rated wagon,

and if you could get him to make you an even trade

on this over-painted piece of Italian drain pipe,

I think you would be way ahead of the game.

I'm not interested in your ratings of classic cars.

Cars?

Who is talking about cars?

I'm trying to save your marriage.

Mr. Kern, I'm not about to discuss my marriage.

You learn from my experience.

That's all I'm saying.

I don't want your experience.

Well, why have we lived...?

I don't care why you've lived.

Let us live.

Look, son, I couldn't hold up my head

in this town again if you two kids split up.

Let her... drive the car, will you?

Pat, you ready?

Gentlemen, start your engines.

All right, let's forget it.

Sorry, Chief.

Hey, Rob, it's neat, really.

You went to a lot of trouble. Thanks.

Now, this is a four-speed gear box, same as ours.

You should practice shifting a few minutes every day.

Okay, teacher, I'll do my homework.

All right, now this is a driver's checklist.

I've had it Xeroxed.

Keep it with you at all times. You bet.

Fine, now get in the driver's seat.

Driver's seat.

The driver's seat. Here.

Now, run down your checklist.

Here we go.

Now, come on.

That's it.

There are three pedals.

The gas, the brake and the clutch.

I only see two.

Well, I've only got two feet.

But switch over, fake it.

Use your imagination.

You don't have to be so grim.

Now, look.

Pay attention to the road.

You steer with the left hand

shift with the right.

You coordinate the left foot on the clutch.

Operate the break

and accelerate with the right foot.

Oh, Rob, why can't we do this in the car?

Later.

Come on, you're starting out.

Depress the clutch.

Take the right foot off the break.

Well, where do I put it?

On the accelerator.

Lightly!

Engage the clutch.

I have, it's in!

All right!

Shift through the quadrant, all forward speeds.

Clutch. First.

Clutch. Second.

Clutch. Third.

Good. Good.

Now, which is the tachometer? This one?

No, that one.

Good, good.

Into fourth.

You crossed feet.

You've got your right foot on the clutch.

Don't holler!

Break! Break! There's a dog!

Ow!

Now, you see what can happen? Oh.

You all right?

What kind of dog did I get?

All right, all right, that finishes it.

No, no, no. Come on, I'm just warming up.

Come on.

All right.

Let's try again.

Now when you move into a higher gear,

like second into third,

you do it by the sound.

The faster the engine goes, the higher pitched the sound.

Like when you're in second gear,

as you accelerate, the sound goes,

"Voom, voom."

So when you get to "vroom, vroom," then...

Then the shift. Okay.

Vroom... shift!

Vroom...

shift!

Vroom... shift!

Vroom... shift!

Vroom!

Vroom... oh, my lip's wearing out.

Can I take it out on the street?

All right, one more dry run.

I've done it 8,000 times.

On the couch, on the bed, on top of the coffee table.

You're doing very well.

Then why can't I drive?

I'm ready. Tomorrow morning.

Just hold your fire.

There's less traffic on the streets

from ten after five until 6:30,

than any other daylight hours.

I have to get up at 5:00?

Please, will you let me do this my way, okay?

One more dry run.

You really need it.

I really do?

You really do.

I'll take it right through warm up.

I did mention the fact that you never, never start the engine

until the garage door is completely open.

I've been driving since I was 16, Rob.

Watch those RPMs.

Are you reading the temperature?

Check the oil pressure.

Have there been any accidents reported at all?

Yeah, I'm worried sick about her.

Well, if there was an accident, you'd know by now, wouldn't you?

I mean, it could be a hit and run or something.

Well, if you hear anything will you let me know right away?

Description?

Well, she's black and has mag wheels.

Oh, she's brunette, five feet, two.

About 23.

Yeah.

There she is now, officer.

I hear her coming into the garage.

Yeah. Thanks a million, right.

Pat! Where have you been?

It's like three hours!

I've been going out of my skull.

Where have you been?

Point Avila. Point Avila?

Yeah, one hour, 12 and 19 elapsed time.

But you've been gone over three hours!

Well, I stopped to read the manual

and I didn't push coming back.

You know the big turn that's just outside of Oxford?

Yeah? Well, I was downshifting into third

when I noticed a slight lag.

Now I may be wrong,

but I think the clutch bearing ought to be checked.

Come on, hop in, we'll take it out and I'll show you.

Come on, hop in.

Take your shoes off.

Oh, yeah.

We've got to be sure it's in top condition

for the big rally Saturday at Pirate's Glen.

The rally? You mean you want me to drive?

Oh, Rob, not you, me.

It's ladies only.

But I'd like to have you in the pit, okay?

The pit!?

Fern, from the day we got married,

you've done nothing but argue with me.

Keep walking.

Yes, thank you. Yes, ma'am.

I'm leaving now, Mother.

All right, dear.

Oh, come here.

Jimmy, do you really think I ought to keep this?

The colors are all wrong for the room.

Mother, did you hear me?

I'm leaving now to pick up Lila.

It was only $15,000.

I hate to send it back.

Well, maybe I'll hang it in the maid's room.

She likes fruit.

Forget that stupid painting.

Oh, you finally got a haircut.

Mother, you haven't forgotten

that I'm bringing Lila home tonight

to meet you, have you?

Oh, well, of course I haven't forgotten.

Cook has been spending

the whole day preparing dinner.

She has worked her fingers to the bone.

Good, and you're going to be

very nice to her, aren't you? What?

I mean, tonight is going to be different,

isn't it, Mother?

"Different," dear?

Different than what?

Different from all the other times

I've brought girls home.

Mother, it's got to be different.

Tonight is very important to me.

Well, Jimmy, dear, I don't understand.

What are you accusing me of?

Sabotage, subversion, disruption.

Oh, my heavens.

You make me sound like a commando.

You are a commando.

You're destroying my love life.

Every time I bring home a girl I like, you get sick.

Oh, now, darling, really, you're hysterical.

What has this girl done to you?

She hasn't done anything, Mother.

But see what I mean?

You're already taking a negative attitude toward her.

But to turn you against your own mother.

She hasn't turned me against anything, Mother.

It's just that I like her.

Well, I'm glad.

I like her a lot. Wonderful.

As a matter of fact, it's possible that I love her.

Marvelous.

Oh. What's the matter?

Oh, nothing dear.

It'll pass.

Well, it better.

And before I bring Lila here.

You just don't want me to get married, do you?

Admit it.

So you ruin it for me with every girl I bring home.

Oh, that's just not true.

Oh, no? What about Bonnie Simmons?

That cute little brunette I brought home about a year ago?

Bonnie Simmons, oh, yes.

Did any good ever come of her?

I'd say. She married my best friend.

Uh-huh, there, you see.

I saved you from an ugly divorce.

Thanks a lot.

And what about Della Smith?

That cute little blonde about two months ago?

Oh, yes, the little blonde.

You mean the pin girl from the bowling alley?

Her family owned the bowling alley, she worked there.

As a pin girl.

As a cocktail waitress.

Forgive me.

I introduced you and you fainted right in her arms.

It was a pinched nerve.

It was a lot of nerve.

Nothing like that's going to happen tonight, Mother.

You understand?

You are going to be absolutely healthy

and on your best behavior.

'Cause I'm serious about Lila.

Deadly serious. So am I.

And I planned a lovely dinner.

We're going to have chopped round steak

and mashed potatoes with gravy and peas,

and for dessert, tapioca.

That sounds like sort of plain food.

Well, she's probably a plain girl.

I mean, you know, I wouldn't want

rich food to turn her stomach.

Listen, Mother, I've got to leave now to pick up Lila.

Mm-hmm. But I'm warning you.

No tricks tonight or else, do you understand?

Or else, or else, all right.

I understand. I understand.

Good-bye, Mother.

Mother, what are you doing with that pill box?

Well, you want me to be healthy tonight.

So just to make sure,

I'm going to take one of everything.

Your coat, Miss. Thank you.

Oh, gee, it's beautiful.

Why, it's just like in the movies.

It was in the movies.

This room was used in Philadelphia Story.

You're kidding?

Mm-mm, see the table?

Yes. Cary Grant spilled coffee on it.

How exciting. Yeah.

They even paid us $1,000 a day rent,

plus the money for the table.

My mother had a fit.

She's very meticulous about everything.

Well, she sounds cute to me.

And I'm dying to meet her.

Hmm, I just hope she doesn't die when she meets you.

What's the matter? Is she sick?

She better not be.

Well, I'm sure I'll love her.

Because I love her son.

And her son...

I mean, I love you.

Oh.

Mother, why are you wearing a robe?

Well, I was cold, dear.

Then I was hot.

Then I was cold.

Mother, I'd like you to meet Lila.

Remember, I told you about her?

Oh, oh, yes, of course I remember.

Jimmy has said such nice things about you.

I'm very happy to meet you, Mrs. Devlin.

Likewise.

Mother.

Now, dear, don't worry about me.

I'll be just fine.

Cook will serve dinner and you two eat and have fun.

I'll just...

I'll just lie down for a while.

Mother, I want you to know

that Lila and I love each other very much.

What?

And I'm going to ask her to marry me.

Oh.

Mother, will you cut it out?

Jimmy, she's sick.

No, she's faking again. No, no, no, really.

Wait a minute. Just look at her.

She does look a little pale.

She does? I do?

What, what, what?

Just as I thought. It's a little fast.

Fast, what do you mean fast?

What do you know about pulses?

Are you a nurse or something?

No, Mother, Lila's a medical student.

She's going to be a doctor.

A doctor?

Oh... how proud your mother must be.

Mrs. Devlin would you please open the top of our robe?

Oh, yes, yes, with pleasure.

Oh, interesting, very interesting.

What, Doctor, what?

Of course, I can't be sure

without a complete examination,

but I suspect that you could be anemic.

"Anemic"? Yes.

Anemic with all our money.

Of course there are probably other

complications as well.

But nothing too serious.

You're going to have to watch yourself very carefully,

special diet, you know, plenty of rest,

that sort of thing. Oh, yes.

Now, would you like to have some dinner?

It's very important that you don't miss any of your meals.

Well, we're just having

chopped round steak, mashed potatoes and peas.

Very plain food.

Do you like plain food?

Why, yes, I do.

It's very good for you.

And exactly the thing that you should be having.

Oh, yes, well, I suppose I could get used to it.

Let me help you to the table.

I hope the round steak isn't too well done.

Are you sure you're all right, Mother?

Of course, dear, I'm all right.

Besides, we have a doctor in the house.

Come along, let's eat.

Oh, Doctor, now tell me,

what are you going to specialize in?

I certainly hope it isn't dermatology

because I never have anything wrong with my skin.

Penny for your thoughts, Garth.

Everybody hates a cop until they need one.