Original subtitles

Lamar loves to be rocked to sleep.

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love... ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see three separate views

of love, American style...

A partnership even marriage can't disrupt,

a young couple who will learn to live and love,

and our first story about a bridegroom

with an eye for dollars called:

Well, here we are, sweetheart.

Hold it right there, I'll find the light.

It's got to be here... ah.

Steps, hold it, here we go.

Found it, found it.

Hold it just a second.

Well, here it is.

Isn't it terrific?

Well, it's...

it's... it's a little shabby, isn't it?

Shabby?

Well, no, it's wonderful.

I mean, it's a real mountain cabin.

The perfect love nest... ha!

Right in the middle of gorgeous nature.

Oh, boy, it's the perfect honeymoon spot.

And, sweetheart, just think...

only $30 a week.

Well, I guess you're right.

After all, we've got everything we need.

That's right.

And we are alone at last.

Mm-hmm. We're all alone.

Yeah, I mean, who needs Miami, know what I mean?

Miami. Whoo!

Miami $50-a-day rooms.

Two-dollar rum drinks.

Floor shows, bellhops,

nightclubs, taxicabs,

and all those tips.

You're right.

Well, shall I, uh...

change into something more comfortable?

Sounds like a splendid idea.

Right.

Arnold... the handle fell off.

Now don't you worry about that, sweetheart.

We'll take it back.

You can't, you bought it wholesale.

Well...

wait'll you see this.

Is that sexy?

Well, how much did it cost?

Oh, nothing; it was a shower gift.

Oh! Sexy! Yeah.

I'll be right back.

All righty.

No offense.

How you coming, sweetheart?

Just a few seconds, darling.

Put 'em up, Pete.

One funny move,

and I'll blow your head off.

Well, why?

Why? Uh-huh.

Why, you ain't Pete.

No, sir, I'm Arnold Pfister.

Here I am, darling.

That's my wife, Mrs. Pfister.

That's Pfister, with a P.

Howdy, Mrs. Pfister.

I'm Bob O'Connors, the sheriff.

I think you kids better get out of here.

Get out? No, sir, you don't understand.

You see, we're on our honeymoon.

Honeymoon in this dump?

I don't know whether you've been

listening to the radio or not,

but Pete Crikey, the bank robber,

escaped a couple of hours ago,

and he might be headed up here.

Well, sir, why would he come up here?

Well, this used to be his hideout. Oh.

And another reason is that,

well, they never found the loot.

And it might be hid around here someplace.

$75,000.

$75,000?

$75,000.

Oh, Arnold, do you think we should leave?

Leave?

No, no. No.

Excuse me, sir.

What makes you think that the loot is hidden here?

Oh, I don't know, it might be,

and then again it might not be.

But don't you folks worry.

I'll be hid out in the bushes,

and if he shows up, I'll nab him.

You just sleep tight,

and happy dreams.

Thank you.

Happy honeymoon.

Arnold...

do you think there's any risk?

Risk? No. No.

Well, we could leave.

We could go to a motel.

And lose my deposit?

I put a deposit on this place, honey.

Ten bucks.

Arnold, what are you looking for?

Nothing.

It was kind of interesting though,

what the sheriff said about this place.

I mean, the possibility of the loot

being hidden here somewhere.

You're not thinking about that, are you?

Well, of course not.

Arnold. Hmm?

Since there is no danger,

and since we are going to stay here...

Arnold? Yes, dear.

Arnold? Hmm?

Let's not forget it's our wedding night.

Who could possibly forget a thing like that?

Let's go to bed.

All righty.

It is kind of exciting, you know,

the sheriff hiding out in the bushes

and the bank robber somewhere about.

Yeah, it sure is, I...

Honey, does this sound hollow to you?

Right here?

No.

It's a lovely, soft, comfortable bed.

Oh, really? That's nice.

There's a lump in the mattress!

Sorry, honey, but look!

It's a frying pan.

Arnold, do you realize you threw me right

out of the bed?

Well, sweetheart, I said I was sorry.

Now why would he have hidden a frying pan under the mattress?

Honey,

do you suppose this is gold melted down

to look like a frying pan?

No, I think it's a plain, ordinary iron skillet.

Now will you stop being

so silly and get back into bed?

Oh, sweetheart, you're absolutely right.

Here, darling, I'll help.

Oh, Arnold... I love you.

And I love...

Honey. What?

There's a...

there's a lump in the pillow.

What?

Hey baby, do you have a knife?

Never mind, I'll use my bare hands.

Oh, no, Arnold, no, Arnold!

There's a lump in here, I've got it, baby!

I've got it! Look! What is it?

It's a lump.

Feathers and string and...

Arnold, you...

you have to stop thinking about that money.

Sweetheart, you're right, it's stupid.

You know, I just have to get it out of my head.

I mean, after all, there are more important things

in this world than money.

Oh, now that's the Arnold I married talking.

Here.

Mmm.

Listen, honey,

I mean, what am I kidding about?

I'm really thinking of the money.

But sweetheart, it's important.

I mean, just think... $75,000.

Wow.

Honey?

We're going to spend a lot of nights together,

but you see money like this once in a lifetime.

This is a chance a man just can't give up.

Honey? Honey?

This board is loose.

The board, it's, it's loose, look!

The paneling! Arnold...

It comes out. what are you doing?

Honey, hold this. Honey, stop...

You'll destroy the whole cabin.

Sweetheart, we can always put it back.

Ah!

A flashlight!

Get me a flashlight, quick!

Quick, honey!

The flashlight!

Here.

Honey, look, it's a box.

It's something in the wall.

It's the box.

It's a box.

This could be it.

This could be it!

I found it.

I found it.

Isn't that beautiful, gorgeous, exquisite?

Arnold! What, darling?

Control yourself, dear.

I'm a rich man.

I am a rich man.

Eileen, you've married a rich man.

Arnold, you have to give that money back.

What?

If you ever utter a word about this...

No, no, I'm not going to give it back.

Arnold, you give that back

or you and I are through.

No, honey, don't be silly.

Hey, I tell you what, we'll split it 60-40.

What?!

Well, after all, I found it.

What's up?

Oh, Sheriff Connors...

I saw the flashlight waving around.

I figure you were trying to signal me.

Well, yes, uh,

my husband found the money in the wall.

Didn't you, dear?

Well,

how about that?

That's great.

Yeah.

Let me see here.

Well...

Yeah, that's it, all right.

Well, I just got a call on the radio a minute ago

that they, that they got Pete,

so that washes that up.

Now I can go home and get some sleep.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Yeah, well, I'm not going

to hang around here.

I know you two are on your honeymoon.

You're real nice folks.

It ain't everybody that'd have been that honest.

Good night.

Good night.

Arnold...

Arnold? Yeah?

Arnold,

you just have a little problem, that's all.

A little problem with money.

Yeah, honey, I guess you're right.

It's just that I flipped when I saw that money.

I... it felt so great.

I... I... I just didn't know what I was saying.

I know, I know.

And we can work it all out in time.

Really? Yes.

Now come on, let's go to bed.

Come on.

Come on, darling.

Come on now, we'll go to bed.

There... just lay down.

Okay? Yeah.

Oh.

You know, sweetheart...

Yes, darling?

That didn't look like $75,000.

More like $40 or $50.

There could be another $20 or $30,000 around here.

That's it!

He wouldn't hide it all in one place.

No sirree, Pete's too clever for that.

A penny for your thoughts, Buzz?

Now, Tippy, honey, come on.

Don't be like that.

It's nothing to get upset over.

It's not important, honey.

Tippy, I'm sorry,

but I just can't use you anymore.

Now, look,

I specialize in juniors.

In the past year, you've blown up

from 97 pounds to 110.

Honey, face it.

You're just not a junior anymore.

As your

husband, I love it,

but as your photographer, I'm afraid you're...

uh, overdeveloped.

Look, honey...

Honey, if you'd just...

Tippy!

Tippy!

Come on, honey.

Sweetheart, I just take the pictures.

I don't set the styles.

And this year, the styles are younger than ever.

It's no makeup, the little jumpers,

little girls clothes.

It's the infant look.

And let's be honest, honey... Without makeup, you look 20.

I'm sorry.

All right, let's not be honest.

Maybe I'll go back to taking passport pictures.

Now, honey...

Look, can't we talk this over

like the bright, intelligent, sensible...

childish person you are?

Now, open this door.

You open this door this minute, or I'm going to...

I'm not going to do anything, that's what,

because I just don't care.

You can stay in there and suffocate for all I care.

Tippy, come out.

You're going to suffocate.

Look, if you, uh, come out,

I promise not to yell at you.

I won't even talk to you.

You'd think the way the girl carries on,

I was the only photographer in town.

You'd think

that she'd have sense enough

to move on up to the next plateau.

You'd think she'd face the fact

that her teens are behind her and be a woman.

So, I'm over the hill, am I?

Did I say that?

If you didn't, you were thinking it.

Hi. I'm Gina.

Mr. Harrison,

the infant is here.

Did I say something wrong?

No, it wasn't you.

All I said was, "Hi. I'm Gina."

Well, sometime that's enough.

Would you like me to come back later?

No, come in quick.

You're getting older by the second.

If you're over the hill, you know where that leaves me?

Death Valley.

You think I should count my blessings?

Would you rather count mine?

Maxine,

I do have some crow's feet.

I have a duck body.

It's all the way you waddle, my dear.

Hello, my children.

Peace.

May peace be with you all.

And to you, my dear,

may the bird of paradise drop sesame seeds

on your fruit salad.

So interesting

looking at you through this.

You're five times as ugly.

Hmm. Thank you, Miss Live Bait Barge of 1912.

Don't be hostile, my dear.

I am beautiful.

I've got soul.

And how are you, Tippy, my dear?

Rotten. Good, good.

Punjab, she says she's rotten, rotten.

Don't you listen?

Rotten ain't bad, sweetheart.

Not as bad as bored.

What is it, Tippy?

Tell Punjab where it hurts.

Well, it hurts in my marriage, that's where it hurts.

Oh, come on, baby.

You and Biff have a groovy marriage.

I ought to know, because I introduced you myself

on this very spot.

Yeah, most marriages are made in heaven.

Yours was made in a head shop.

Very funny.

Whatever it is, it'll be made better by time.

Time is the great improver of all things.

Look at me.

Time has made me immortally beautiful.

And time has made me old.

She's not a junior anymore.

Oh?

Biff has a new model.

So?

So?

So, that's what brought us together in the first place.

We lived together, loved together, worked together.

Now he doesn't need me anymore.

So what?

You can still live together and love together.

Working together is nothing.

Even I can get a guy to work with.

Hey, you're right, Meg.

You know, she's right.

You know, when your best friends don't understand you...

If you guys don't understand me, then I-I...

Now, no, wait a minute, baby.

Don't get so uptight, huh? Come on.

Now, listen, for openers,

if it's marriage, it can't be all bad.

Well, it can if it's empty.

You kids have only

been married a year.

How empty can a thing get in a year?

Don't agree with me, please?

It gives us too much in common.

Look, Tippy, I always had it figured that you and Biff

were going to make it somehow.

You had that great knack of laughing at yourselves.

Yeah.

You've never let an argument get out of hand.

Always a little joke, and always a little laugh.

Yeah, I remember those days, too.

Hey, now, wait a minute, honey.

You're too young to live in the past.

Oh! I'm too old to live in the present.

So what?

So you'll be somebody else's model.

It will probably

be a lot better for you, too, to get away

from each other for a day, once in a while.

At night, you'll have more to talk about.

That's true.

Tippy, the first year

of marriage is always the roughest.

The truth is,

you kids haven't got to know each other yet.

It's ridiculous to divorce someone you don't even know.

Hey,

now why don't you give it another shot, huh?

Tell me, what would you like me to do?

Crawl back on my hands and knees

and say, "Oh, Biff, I'm so sorry"?

No, man.

Just walk in and say, "Biff, I'm sorry."

I will not!

I'm not sorry.

I didn't do anything wrong.

I have nothing to apologize.

Will you cool it?

It's unimportant who did what to who.

It's also unimportant who says I'm sorry.

Now the important thing is that somebody says it.

Think of the

fun you'll have making up.

It's almost worth the fight.

Isn't it?

Well...

Maybe what I need is violets.

Oh!

Yeah! Sure!

Biff gave me a bunch of violets when we got married.

A bunch of sweet, old-fashioned violets.

Oh. Listen, if that's all it takes, why not?

Ah. Max.

Huh?

Find a beautiful bunch of violets

for our fading, little flower.

That's it. Oh.

Okay, dear, relax.

Uh, Biff, you have, um...

You have a minute for your old wife?

Yeah, sure, honey.

I'm... I'm sorry about the tantrum earlier.

Forget it.

No, really.

I've got a rotten temper.

I'm self-centered, melodramatic and petty.

Well, darling, those are the little imperfections

that make you perfect.

Thanks.

What did you think of the session?

Uh... well, I-I thought

it was, um, nice and loose.

But the, uh...

The teddy bear's a little bit precious.

You know, that's what I thought.

I just can't seem to get the feel of it. If I... Biff.

Biff, I have something to show you.

You know, we could use a pennant.

No, that's too cliché.

Biff, would you please listen?

I... I'm sorry, honey.

Y-Yes, speak.

What is it?

Well, I-I have something to show you.

Something just right for a new beginning.

Perfect.

Oh!

Oh, I knew you'd love 'em.

Honey, I do, I do.

It's just the corny prop we need to get this shot. Now,

Gina, you forget all about old Bruce... forget

all about that... and hold those.

Yeah. They're kind of corny, but they're sentimental.

They remind you of home.

That's right.

Did you ever get the feeling that you wanted to go,

but you still had the feeling that you wanted to stay, huh?

Or go?

Or stay?

What...? Hey...

What-What... What are you doing?

I'm going.

You're going?

Why don't you stick around a minute, honey?

You're packing?

You're...

You're sore. Why?

Never mind. Just...

Listen, do you know that you're bewildering?

You got a rotten temper.

You're self-centered, you're indulgent.

You're-You're melodramatic.

Oh, sure, sure.

Just a minute ago, those were the little imperfections

that made me perfect.

Well, I learned a lot in a minute.

Oh, now you're going to cry?

Well, please don't. Just stop it.

I'm sick of your tantrums,

and I'm sick of your self-indulgence.

I want a divorce.

You want a divorce?

How do I do that?

What?

What?

Well, I can do melodramatic,

insensitive, childish,

but how do I do, "I want a divorce"?

No, uh, Gina,

you don't understand. This isn't for you.

Oh. You want me to go? Am I all through?

Yeah, honey.

You go, and you come on back tomorrow, all right?

Well, all right.

I just want to say one thing, Mr. Harrison:

There's not a model in town

that can do a divorce expression.

It's too vague.

All right.

If you want a divorce, you've got one.

Well, you want one, too, don't you?

Absolutely.

No broken marriage should be without one.

Well, I guess, uh,

the next thing to do is contact a lawyer.

That's fine with me.

What grounds should we get it on?

On the grounds that you're impossible.

You took the grounds right out of my mouth.

Biff, listen.

If there's any respect between us at all, I think we...

we should at least be civilized about this.

Oh, by all means, let's be civilized.

Divorce doesn't exist among the apes.

I was too young to get married in the first place.

We were both too young.

It's over, and, uh, and that's that.

You're right.

Nothing's lost.

There are no children, no tantrums, no traumas.

Nobody's scarred for life.

It's been a year of fun and games.

Not a marriage, really.

More like a laugh-in.

Well, in ten years, we probably won't even recognize each other

on the street.

Fine.

You're beginning to look a little strange to me even now.

Excuse me, would you?

Where are you going with those?

Well, I'm taking them with me.

Those are my swimming medals.

I spent 15 years with nose plugs getting those medals.

Yes, but you gave them to me as an engagement present.

They're mine.

When you get a divorce,

that automatically breaks the engagement.

Take your crummy medals.

None of them was for first place anyway.

Now look, let's stop this middle-class nonsense.

A settlement should be easy, since we're broke.

All I want's the photography equipment.

Oh, sure.

Sure, every penny we've got is in the photography equipment.

Even my modeling fees.

Well, then let's just sell everything and split the money.

All right.

We'll have a divorce sale.

No, why don't we just sell everything and split the money.

Well, that is a divorce sale.

Oh, yeah, oh, you're right.

Right, let's have a divorce sale.

I'll put an ad in the paper,

"Young couple going out of business."

Okay?

Okay.

Shake on it.

Don't worry, you'll get your hand back.

It's part of your settlement.

Uh, excuse me.

Can I see you for a second?

Excuse me. Yeah?

How much is the after shave lotion?

50 cents.

Can we open it to see if I like it?

Sure, go ahead. Just a second.

This is my after shave lotion and it's not for sale.

The marriage may be over,

but my beard goes on forever.

Delightful, isn't he?

Department stores sure ain't what they used to be.

Pardon me, miss, is this the bus for Lotus Land?

If you're here to buy something, you're welcome.

But if you're going to lecture, forget it.

We're here to shoplift.

That's right.

Nice, very nice.

Thank you.

Man, it's like, love is really something.

You know, daddy, when you got love,

you got what it's all about.

You dig me, boy?

Punjab, do me a favor.

Yeah? Buy something.

Oh, this is very nice.

Yes, it's genuine porcelain.

Excuse me.

May I see the price on that? Uh-huh.

Tippy, I thought we agreed this would be $5.

Well, I changed my mind.

It's a little used

and I think $3.50 would be a fairer price.

Don't tell me what's fair.

Sir, it's $5.00.

$3.50.

I bought this pitcher with my own money.

Money you made using me as your model.

Will you give me that?

What are you asking for it now?

Next time you have a divorce sale,

have it with somebody else.

Believe me, this is my first marriage,

but it's my last divorce.

Is this the divorce sale advertised

in the underground newspaper? Yes, ma'am, it is.

Oh, wonderful.

Do you have a good, used water pipe?

Well, I don't know, ma'am; why don't you come in

and look around? Oh, well, thank you.

Rosa.

Come on, dear.

This is it.

Oh, I do love these hippie sales.

On our honeymoon, Biff and I hitchhiked through Europe.

And every place we stayed we took a key

and we made this.

How dull.

Well, it wasn't then.

Um... how about, uh...

how about something in the way of elephant bells.

There is nothing "in the way of elephant bells."

Either you've got one or you haven't.

I'm sorry, bubby,

but I just can't let you buy this table.

Uh, Punjab, he's offering me $25.

I'll give you $30.

$31.50.

Debbie.

$31.50.

I gave them this table, right out of my own joint, downstairs.

See? My initials are still carved in it.

"PJ"... Punjab.

All these scratches...

The scratches?

Well, on the day we were married,

all our friends carved their initials in that table.

Actually, it meant a lot to me at the time.

Actually, I sold the portrait

to buy him a tripod for his camera.

But, uh, I'm afraid our timing was off, as usual.

Aw...

So I sold the camera to buy her the dress.

It's over and that's that.

It's not a marriage, really.

It's been a year of fun and games.

In ten years, we probably won't even

recognize each other on the street.

You're beginning to look

a little strange to me even now.

Well, that's it.

Everything's gone.

Everything except the bed.

Yeah.

Couldn't you get rid of it?

Well, I, uh... to tell you the truth,

I, uh, I just didn't think about it.

I didn't even think about it.

Neither did I.

Well, I guess not many people need beds.

Anyway, this one's kind of old-fashioned.

Yeah, it's a hard thing to sell.

I must be in the wrong place.

That all depends.

What are you looking for?

Well, I heard some crazy kids were having a divorce sale.

It's funny, the way they get married these days.

In and out, like a car wash.

I'm in the junk business.

Well, I'm afraid you're too late.

All the junk is gone.

Oh, this is the place.

Well, the apartment's the only thing left.

That'll be for rent shortly.

Why don't you just stick around?

What about the bed?

The bed?

I'll give you 12 bucks for it.

12 bucks?

Take it or leave it.

This bed cost over $100.

That's about right.

$100 new.

Now it's junk... $12.

Look, a lot of living went in to this bed.

This is our honeymoon bed.

I'm too old to listen to these stories.

To you, it's life.

To me, it's metal and a mattress.

$12. Don't sell it, Biff.

I don't know

why you kids want to hold on to this thing.

It's ugly.

Probably full of bad memories.

It's not ugly.

And it's not full of bad memories.

And it's not for sale.

Now get out.

$12.50, not a penny more.

Junk is junk.

I said get out.

Now you're making a big mistake.

Bad memories.

Can you imagine the nerve of that guy?

He called it "junk."

He said it was "ugly."

Yeah, well, don't let him upset you, honey.

Honey?

I guess that was a Freudian slip.

Yeah, I know.

Of course, according to Freud, slips count.

Well, does that slip count?

I don't know.

Do you want it to?

I don't know.

If you do.

Maybe.

Well, I do if you do.

I do if you do.

What?

What?

Don't tell me we're going to get back together again

after we just sold everything.

No, you're right.

We've got to split up.

I've got a confession to make. What?

Three people tried to buy the bed.

I wouldn't let them.

I've got a better confession.

I had four people.

Biff, do you love me?

You know I love you.

How else could I put up

with your miserable temper, if I didn't?

Oh, swell.

No, honey, I didn't mean that.

It's just force of habit.

Kind of like you running away after every little fight.

I won't run away.

I'll only run away after the big ones.

There won't be any big ones.

Mrs. Harrison, will you be my wife?

I am.

I mean, I was.

I mean, maybe I wasn't.

But I will be from now on, I promise.

My husband! My husband!

He's drowned in the surf!

Seeing as how you're going to be alone tonight,

how about having dinner?

Now when we meet the boys, just act natural.

I got it!

What's yours? You first.

Okay.

She's so fat

she's got to wear a prescription brassiere.

You can't say that on television.

Oh, what's yours?

How about...

she's so fat

that her bell bottoms bell from the waist?

I don't get it.

Neither do I.

Hey, Maury,

how come a lady wrestler has to be fat in the first place?

She's not fat in the first place.

She's fat all over the place.

Come on, Maury.

We need a big joke here.

Well, what's bigger

than a fat lady wrestler?

Say hello to Seymour.

Hello, Seymour.

Yeah, Seymour.

Of course I knew it was you.

Yeah, you're the only producer in town

with a hot line to his writer.

Joanie.

Seymour wants to know is the script finished yet?

Oh, well, we've got all the punctuation, Seymour.

Now all we have to do is fill in the words.

Seymour, look,

I know it's a comedy special we're writing.

Well, if you want it to be comedy

and you want it to be special,

we've got to have time to think up more jokes.

Tell him to stay off his hot line

if he wants some hot lines.

Look, Seymour,

I promise you, when it's finished,

you'll be the first to know.

Good-bye, Seymour.

Bye, Seymour.

Lay under a dump truck, Seymour.

Listen, if we have to do another script for him,

I insist we get an unlisted typewriter.

Hey, hold it.

We'll drop the steam bath scene.

Then the lady wrestler doesn't have to be fat.

But her name's Bertha.

Face it, Maury, Bertha is a fat name.

We've been writing together for six years.

We must be funny.

We get hired all the time.

Why can't we finish one lousy sketch?

Ah.

Don't worry about it.

We'll think of something.

Are you sure you're not bugged about the wedding?

Nope.

I am bugged about a lady wrestler with a fat name.

Here.

I think maybe you got, uh, bridal block.

Bridal block?

Yeah, writers get it when they've got a wedding

and a honeymoon planned in the middle of a script assignment.

The script isn't due

until after the honeymoon.

Wait a minute.

Instead of a fat lady wrestler,

we make it a short lady sword swallower.

If she's short, she has to swallow a letter opener.

Okay, we'll let her throat rust.

Give us a little pathos. Ooh.

Are we reaching. Mmm.

Oh, hello, Fred.

Hello, Maury.

Hello, Joan. Hi.

Mmm. Hey!

The sword swallower's diet puts her on pins

and needles, huh? Not bad.

Thank you.

Not the kiss, the joke.

Mm, actually, the kiss wasn't too bad either.

Hey, honey, all we have to do is finish this

one last sketch, and then we are all through with the script.

Hey, what about a lady Eskimo?

There's a lot of humor in igloos.

I thought you were going

to finish the script after our honeymoon.

Oh, we are, we are.

Okay, igloos are funny,

but Eskimos, eh... They leave me cold.

Mmm. Joan,

are you sure this show won't interfere with our wedding?

Darling, it couldn't possibly interfere.

That's exactly what you said

when you were writing that monologue,

and I wanted to take you to the lake.

Well, we went to the lake, didn't we?

Yes, the three of us went to the lake.

Hey, I had a great time.

Remember the little blowup boats?

Hmm?

Honey, don't worry.

Hello, Seymour.

That's right, Seymour.

Sure, Seymour.

All right, you'll have it. Yeah.

Good-bye, Seymour.

Take a nap under a guillotine, Seymour.

That was your mother, right?

Wasn't it Seymour?

Remember when you said, "Honey, stop worrying?"

Yeah. Well, honey, start worrying.

They're moving the taping schedule up.

What does that mean?

That means they want the script

on your wedding day.

On our wedding day?!

That's impossible.

I know, we've got to have more time to work.

We'll make it your wedding night.

What happened?

They moved the show up a week.

Seymour wants a script a week earlier.

Oh, no. I knew it.

I knew it, I knew it!

Well, why didn't you tell us, tell us, tell us?

We could have worked nights.

What about the preparations?

What about the cake?

What about your gown?

What about my relatives?

Darling,

look, you know

how important our wedding is to me.

But I'm committed to finishing this script

and I can't help it if they move up the deadline.

Does that mean you want to postpone the wedding?

Fred, are you raising your voice?

I certainly am.

We're supposed to get married

and you're fooling around

with sword swallowers and igloos.

Fooling around?

Look, writing funny stuff is hard work.

It isn't easy.

It isn't funny either.

What do you mean?

Igloos and sword swallowers are hysterical.

To whom?

To whom?

To "mem" and to "herm," that's whom.

Wait a minute.

You don't really think they're funny, do you?

Not in the least.

Well, what do you think is funny?

I don't know.

Lots of things.

Like what?

Joan, I'm a banker, not a writer.

I just want to know what my husband-to-be thinks is funny.

Well, uh, puppies, I guess.

Puppies?

Oh, they're hilarious.

Why are puppies funny?

Well, when I was growing up in Newark,

I had a litter of cocker spaniels and I...

Oh, did you have them naturally

or by cesarean?

Look, Joan, your choice is clear.

Either you finish the script or prepare for the wedding.

I think I'm capable of doing both.

I say you prepare for the wedding!

And I say I do both.

Maybe you'd just like to do the script

and forget about the wedding.

Maybe if you put it that way, I would.

Excuse me, I've got to go to the Philippines

and raise cane.

All right, as soon as she gets hit with the eggplant,

the sketch is almost finished.

Oh, don't worry, Mom.

We'll use a fake eggplant.

My only daughter, getting married.

Wanda, be sure that

that border stays very narrow, okay?

If you say so.

Oh, Mama, please.

People do not cry at fittings.

If your father could only see you now.

Herman!

Herman, take a look.

Isn't our daughter beautiful?

Oh, thanks, Mom.

Listen, Maury,

I'm beginning to think that maybe

that eggplant stuff is just a little too slapstick.

Gee, I don't think so.

What do you think, Mom?

Just beautiful.

There, you see, Mom likes it.

How about you?

Whew, boy, has she got a thick accent.

Oh, listen, get that, will you, Maury?

One move and I'm stabbed.

Okay, I hope it's a guy

selling door-to-door comedy sketches.

It might get us off the hook. Ha!

Nah, it's only Fred.

Hi, Only Fred.

Hello, Joan.

Hi, honey. Hello, Mrs. Landers.

Isn't she beautiful?

Oh, yes. Hey, wait a minute.

You're not supposed to see her

in her wedding gown now.

Oh, you're right, you're right.

I'll take it off.

Hey, wait, you're not supposed

to see her naked either.

Come on, Maury, it's all right.

He's already seen my tattoo.

Yeah, I think 10:30 will be all right, Wanda.

But don't make it any later, huh?

I don't want to get married in my jeans.

Thanks, honey.

Bye-bye.

Mama, where you going?

To cry over your baby pictures.

Just beautiful.

Joan, I came here to discuss wedding cakes.

Hey, that's wild.

I'm here to discuss eggplants.

Should we have a three-tiered cake or a four-tiered cake?

Now, listen,

If you think hitting her in the face with an eggplant

is too hokey, how about a cabbage?

Oh, cabbage is much better.

And a three-tiered cake is just fine.

Now, sweetie, have you got the wedding list?

I just finished it.

Maury, why do we have

to hit her in the face with anything?

Why don't we just play the scene in a restaurant?

Hey, that's perfect, perfect.

Oh, oh, no, honey.

We can't put Uncle Gumphrey and the Halimanders together.

They hate each other.

Uncle Gumphrey?

Yeah.

Halimanders?

Oh, I don't believe this.

"Mr. And Mrs. Lyle Studsneggin."

Yeah.

Wait a minute. "Norman Nairn."

Oh, here's a goodie.

"Colonel Soldrop Tongueman."

Stop!

Oh, these are beautiful.

Hey, we got to use these in a script.

Those are my relatives.

Oh, let me have them.

They're a lot funnier than my relatives.

Joan, are we going to discuss the wedding or not?

Of course, honey, go right ahead.

Now the biggest problem is

what do we do when the minister says...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We put her in a restaurant and she's having lunch.

Yeah?

The doctor comes in.

Yeah, yeah.

He says to her, "The frog test came back and you're pregnant."

Yeah, yeah?

So she says to him...

Yeah?

I don't know what she says to him.

You're supposed to be writing this, too.

Oh, come on, Maury.

We're down to the last line.

I know, I know. What is it?

I don't know, I don't know.

What about calling the minister?

Oh, that's not funny.

Besides, they did that in Hollywood Palace last year.

And now, may we begin?

Joan.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Please don't be nervous, dear friends.

Remember, this is only the rehearsal.

Shouldn't we rehearse getting nervous?

Now Mrs. Landers,

I believe you're standing in for the maid of honor.

Ye... yes!

Yes, and you, Mr. Fields,

are standing in for the best man.

That's right, Reverend.

Always a best man, never the best.

You, Joan, are the bride.

That's me.

And Fred, you're the groom.

Here I am.

Bride and groom.

Our daughter!

Herman,

are you listening?

Oh, Mom.

Now, Fred, you'll be

standing right there.

And then Joan will walk up and join you.

And she says, "I can't have a baby.

I'm having an omelet."

You're having a baby?

Oh, no, no, Reverend. I'm sorry.

You'll have to excuse us.

Mr. Fields and I are trying to find a line for a script.

A better line.

Joan, can we go on with the rehearsal, please?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

It's just, you know how that line

has been bugging us, and it's all due tomorrow.

The wedding is due tomorrow.

Attention, please.

Now, when Joan reaches Fred's side,

you will both join hands,

and then the maid of honor and the best man

will take their places.

And then the music will start.

I will open my book and begin...

She says, "Having a baby?

Thank goodness, I thought I was pregnant."

Ah, terrible.

Joan, can I speak to you in private?

Why not? We're engaged.

Excuse us.

Hey, Joan, this has got to stop.

You're not taking our wedding seriously.

Oh, honey, I'm taking our wedding

more seriously than you realize.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm just as nervous as any other bride.

You don't act like it.

I know.

I guess I'm using the script to cover up the nerves.

Why didn't you say so?

Because I just realized it myself.

I've been pretty nervous, too.

I guess that's why I've been acting like a fuddy-duddy.

Oh, honey, you never act like a fuddy-duddy.

Maybe a fuddy, but never a duddy.

I've got a confession to make.

What?

I was driving home last night

and I started thinking about igloos and I laughed.

Igloos are funny.

I told you.

Oh, I'm glad I'm marrying you.

I-I think I've got it.

The line is coming, it's coming!

Maury, I don't want to work on the script until after the wedding.

Yeah, but wait, it's right on the tip of my tongue.

Maury, I told you I don't want to hear another word until after the wedding.

Now, Reverend, would you mind if we proceed?

Yes. Now as the ceremony progresses,

I will indicate exactly what you should be doing.

Now will you join hands?

Do you, Frederick, take Joan to be your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

And do you Joan, take Frederick

for your lawful wedded husband?

I got it!

I got it!

It's a gem! It's beautiful!

Listen: And she says,

"I can't have a baby, I'm allergic to storks."

That's it!

I do!

Oh, here they come! Here they come, everybody!

Oh, no, oh, we should've known!

Are you ready for Florida, Mrs. Miller?

Oh, you bet I am.

Hey, where's Maury?

I want to say good-bye.

He's probably in a closet somewhere,

hiding from embarrassment.

Oh! Joan? Joan?

Maury.

Oh, wait a minute.

Ho-ho, you're not going to believe this.

That was Seymour on the phone.

What?

The whole special has been changed.

Nannette Fabray is out

and Buddy Hackett is our new guest star.

We've got to rewrite a whole sketch by Tuesday.

Oh, no.

We're on our honeymoon by Tuesday!

May I show you to our rooms?

Oh, Mama, thank you.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Thank you, bye.

Just beautiful.

Lamar! Shh!

What are you doing?

Spiking the punch.

Fern...

I've got to tell you this.

What?

You have bad dandruff.

You know what else I've got, Garth?

What?

A bad temper.