Original subtitles

Oh, Fern, without you, my life is meaningless.

Please marry me.

Before you, there was no sun, no moon...

I'll die without you.

Will you marry me, darling of my life?

No.

Win some, lose some.

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love... ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

three separate views of love, American style:

a country couple and big-city games;

a guy, his girl, and the girl he loves;

and our first story about a strange encounter

which we call Love and the Burglar.

Ah...!

Don't, don't yell.

Don't yell now.

I'm not going to hurt you.

Just be quiet and everything will be okay.

Okay, where's your money?

Come on, come on, where is it?

What?

Oh, yeah.

I'm not playing games. Just be careful.

If I take my hand away,

you're not going to scream or anything.

You're just going to tell me where the money is, right?

Mm-hmm.

Just be careful.

Okay, where is it?

I don't have any. What?

What do you mean you don't have any?

Oh.

I don't get paid until tomorrow.

I'm broke.

You don't have anything?

Just enough for subway fare and a glazed donut.

Haven't you got something else?

Have you got any jewelry?

Yes. Where is it?

In the top drawer.

Don't throw my underwear around,

I just washed it.

I'll show you where it is.

Well, show me.

Well, I'll have to get out of bed.

So get out of bed.

I've just got my pajama tops on.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Well, you'll have to turn around so I can put my robe on.

You're just here to rob me, right?

You're not one of those...

No, no, I'm just a burglar, a normal burglar.

Now get your robe on.

Keep your back turned now.

I'm putting on my robe,

so be sure and not look.

It's just that I'm...

I'm so nervous with a burglar in my room.

Stop blabbering and hurry up.

Here it is.

Get back on the bed and be quiet.

This is just junk. It's not worth anything.

It's worth a lot to me. Shut up.

What's this, a diamond?

No, a zircon.

NYU. You go to NYU?

Uh-uh. My ex-boyfriend.

What's his name? Doyle Haver.

There's nothing in here.

Don't you have anything worth stealing?

Binoculars, camera?

Watch?

Accordion?

Don't you even have a portable TV?

What, on $42.50 a week?

$42.50 a week?

Is that what they pay you?

That's below minimum wage.

I gross $65,

but after FICA and SDI...

Well, I don't have any dependents.

All right, all right,

what do I care about your lousy job?

It's not a lousy job.

I don't make a lot of money,

but I meet a lot of interesting people.

I make change in a penny arcade.

Will you shut up?

There must be something here worth stealing.

Ha! A typewriter.

Oh, no, no, please, don't, don't take my typewriter.

I write stories for The New Yorker.

You write stories for The New Yorker?

Well, I haven't actually had anything accepted yet,

but... on my last story, I had a personal rejection slip.

Oh, no, you write stories for The New Yorker.

How many idiots like you do you think write for The New Yorker?

A million.

And how many do you think make it?

You can count them on your fingers.

Knock your brains out.

You'll never sell them anything.

Why? Are you a writer, too?

All right, all right, keep the typewriter.

Beat your brains out, see if I care.

I'd only get a couple of bucks for it anyway.

Thank you very much.

What have you got under that pillow?

Nothing, nothing.

Come on. Nothing.

Give it to me, come on.

No! Oh, no! Come on.

Trading stamps.

Oh, please, don't take my trading stamps.

Five, six, seven, eight books.

Oh, no.

What can I get with eight books?

Where's your catalog?

Please don't take my stamps.

I'm saving to get a hot plate so I can have eggs in the morning.

Oh... forget it.

I'm taking your stamps.

I can use a hot plate as well as you can.

What does it take? Two more books?

Find out for yourself.

All right, all right.

Stop crying, will you?

Oh, what a baby.

Look, you can keep the stamps.

Okay? Mm-hmm.

Look, I'm putting them back.

All right?

All right.

Just dry up, will you?

Okay.

Oh, boy, if this isn't just my luck.

I have to come all the way to America

to rob a starving English bird.

No wonder we lost the empire.

A million apartments in this city

and I have to rob Little Orphan Annie.

A broken down typewriter, some costume jewelry,

and 9,600 stamps.

You must be the poorest person in this town.

I've got a lot to be thankful for.

Oh, no, an optimist yet.

I know what you think.

Mr. Right is going to come along

and take you away from all this,

or you're going to sell a story to The New Yorker

and start a brilliant career.

You're living on hope, baby, hope.

"A man without hope, conscious of his condition"...

I know,

"does not belong to the future."

I've read Camus, too.

"I want empire and possession.

Action is everything, glory nothing."

Faust.

Have you read that?

Of course.

A right-wing German.

Yeah, but he knew.

Open your eyes, look around you.

What have you got here?

A monk in a monastery has got as much as you've got.

Except for a couple of lousy dollar posters.

Ha!

Gemini, I might have known it.

Sloppy, disorganized, screwed up.

That's you all right.

Well, at least I'm honest.

What's that supposed to mean?

Now you listen to me.

I'm more honest than most of those guys out there.

You think I haven't tried it the other way?

I have.

Plenty.

You know, this is none of my business,

but is this the first time you've done this?

I thought so 'cause, you know,

a real professional would have watched this place.

He'd have known there was nothing worth stealing.

I know, I blew it just like everything else.

Well, don't feel too bad.

You know, with some experience,

you could probably be very good.

Do you know how many jobs I've had in the last three years?

Seven.

I get worse with experience, not better.

Well, there must be something you can do.

And be my own boss?

Sure, you could go into business.

I mean, you're a very good-looking fella.

You make a very nice appearance.

Where would I get the money to go into business?

At least this doesn't require any inventory.

There are ways of getting money.

Don't you have any relatives?

Relatives? Yeah, I've got an uncle who's rolling in dough.

I'd die before I asked him for a penny.

Hmm, I've got the same uncle.

Yeah, well, I mustn't take any more of your time.

Well, where are you going?

Wh-What are you going to do?

What difference does it make?

Well, don't get desperate and do something stupid.

I mean, you've got a lot on the ball.

Coming all the way up the fire escape,

I didn't even hear you.

You must have terrific balance.

I've got sneakers.

So why destroy yourself?

I mean, if you want to fight, get into an organization.

We have one.

It's called B.Y.O.P.

Be-op?

BY-OP, Be Your Own Person.

We meet every Wednesday night.

Oh, no, I can't Wednesday night.

I've, I've got a creative writing class.

So you are a writer.

What's that?

Police, open up!

Police?

How did they get here?

Oh, I forgot.

I left the phone off the hook.

You did? Oh, no, why?

Well, that was earlier.

I was scared then.

Open up in there.

Uh, just a minute, please.

I'm getting out of here. No, don't go in the alley.

There might be someone waiting; they'll shoot you.

Let go of me. Oh, no, not a gun.

Don't try to shoot it out.

They'll kill you.

You little idiot.

Supposing it had been a real gun?

I don't know.

I was just thinking of you.

You're quite a person, aren't you?

So are you.

What's your name? Don. Don Lawrence.

How many letters? Eight.

What month were you born? February.

What day? 14.

Two, 14... 28 divided by four, that's seven.

That's my number.

You're Aquarius.

We're perfect for each other.

I know, I know.

Okay, don't move.

Put your hands up.

Is this the burglar, lady?

Don't worry, I'll get you out.

I won't press charges and I'll raise bail.

But how? You don't have any money.

Of course I do.

I have $200 under the mattress.

May I say, Scarlet,

the Good Lord sure gave you a gorgeous mouth.

No, it was a dentist named Bloomberg.

Peggy, I love taking you out.

You're always ready for anything.

Well, did you find anything interesting?

No, Howie, it's a bad night.

All the chicks are in pairs.

You can't make time with one

when her friend is right there staring.

Buy a lot of beer, and wait till her friend

has to go to the ladies room.

I tried that.

I ended up having to go.

And when I got back, two guys had moved in on me.

Five minutes to 2:00.

I might have time for another run.

Good luck.

Excuse me?

Uh...

do you mind if I sit here?

Shoot, why not?

Oh. Good.

That was kind of a silly question.

I mean, anybody can sit in that chair if they want to,

and it doesn't make any difference

whether I mind or not.

Yeah. Well, that-that's true.

That's, that's very true.

Last call, folks. Anybody want a drink?

Bar closes in three minutes.

Uh, uh, listen, can I buy you a drink?

I have one, thank you.

Oh.

Well, what's a nice girl

like you doing in a place like this?

Looking for fellas.

What?

Well, what else would I be doing?

This is a singles bar.

Fellas come here to meet girls,

and girls come here to meet fellas.

Shoot, there's no use pretending.

Oh. Right, that's true.

That's true.

Well, um...

Are you here alone?

Alone? Yes, yes, I am.

Hmm. Well, I saw you down at the end of the bar

talking to a fella.

I thought you might be with him.

Oh, no, no, no.

I know him, but, uh, no, we're not here together.

Hmm.

You know, it's kind of a strange night.

All the fellas seem to be in pairs.

You know, it... it's kind of hard to get to know somebody

when his friend is right there staring at you.

Yeah. Listen, uh, my name is Roger Bowen.

Mine is BJ Hollister.

See?

Oh... yeah.

"BJ Hollister.

Transcontinental Airlines."

Right.

I should have changed,

but, um, came here straight from the airport.

Uh-huh.

So, you're an airline stewardess?

Well, I'm not the pilot.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

That's a nice pair of wings you got on there.

Uh, you know, I do a lot of flying.

I should do it on Transcontinental from now on.

Shoot, why not?

Closing time, folks.

Bar is closed. Drink up.

Uh, listen, um,

uh, I-I know a nice, quiet

spot where you and I can go and get another drink.

Where is that?

My apartment.

Oh, no, I couldn't.

I've got to get up early in the morning.

Oh.

Okay.

Let's go to my apartment.

Oh, shoot, why not?

Mmm.

I bet you think I do this all the time.

How's that?

Hmm. Kissing and necking with fellas I hardly know.

Oh, no, no, no, I don't... I don't think that at all.

You sure?

I mean, here I am with you.

How do you know I don't do this all the time?

Hmm. Nobody could do it all the time.

You couldn't pass your physical.

Oh, you.

You're making fun of me.

No. No, no, honest.

Not that I don't have my opportunities.

Look.

What's that?

Business cards.

Of business men I've met on the plane

who'd like to get to know me better.

Oh.

Well, anyway, you can see I have my opportunities...

Well, I'm sure...

if I was that kind of girl.

Oh, I'm sure of that.

Listen, I hope you don't think I think

this is one of those casual things, either.

You don't?

No, I sure don't.

I mean, I'm not that kind of a guy.

For me, there's got to be more than just the physical.

There's got to be affection and respect.

Well, I certainly respect you.

Oh, I hope so.

I do.

I really do.

Mmm. Really.

Well, all right, then.

Sorry.

I didn't expect you back till breakfast.

We picked up a tailwind.

Hello.

Hi, there.

Oh, excuse me.

Uh, this is my roommate, Jill Doherty.

Roger Bowen.

I, uh, hope I didn't break up anything.

Oh, no, no, no.

We were, uh, just sitting here, respecting each other.

Oh, Roger.

You don't have to cover up for me, honey.

Jill's got eyes.

I must be a perfect wreck.

Look what you did to me, Roger.

Well, I'd better go in and make some repairs.

Why don't you, uh... you two get acquainted?

I guess my timing was bad,

but it's really not my fault.

Blame the tailwind.

Oh, no, no. No, really.

I-I think you've got the wrong idea.

That was the first time we've kissed.

I mean, sort of like a trial run.

I-I just met her.

Certainly didn't look that way.

Do you mind if I change the record?

Oh, no, no, please do.

She's a wonderful girl.

Who? Billy Jo.

Oh, yes, yes.

Uh, yeah, well, she certainly seems like a fine person.

Of course, as I say, I just met her tonight.

She's a wonderful roommate, too.

We get along perfectly.

I think it's because

we respect each other's possessions.

Yes, yes.

Uh, well, that's real nice that you're so close.

Um...

did Billy Jo tell me you were going with somebody?

No. I, uh, just broke up with someone.

Oh, yeah, gee, that's what it was.

That's what she told me.

Oh, gosh, that's rough.

I've been through that, and I know.

Yeah?

Look, if you ever need somebody to talk to,

I wish you'd let me know.

Hey, look, here, I'll give you my, uh, phone number.

Uh, here's my business number,

and I'll just put down here my, uh, home number,

and you can call me...

Gee, you can call me any time, day or night.

Oh.

Thank you.

Uh, you and Billy Jo fly a lot together?

Oh, hardly ever.

Usually when she's home, I'm on a flight and vice versa.

Well, it must get pretty lonesome for you around here.

No, not really.

I keep pretty busy.

Well, what-what sort of things do you do to keep busy?

Well, I read a lot.

Oh, I'm a big reader myself. Oh, yeah?

And I like to browse through the galleries.

Oh, so do I.

Isn't that a coincidence?

And I like to do needlepoint.

No kidding. So do...

does my mother.

But you know what I like to do best of all?

No, what?

You're going to think this is silly, but...

I just love to ice-skate.

Well, now, what's silly about that?

I go skating all the time myself, at least once a week.

You know, uh, we could go skating together.

You know, just you and me...

We could kind of skate and talk.

I'd like that.

Uh, Billy Jo skates, too.

Does she?

Mm.

Well, looks like you two are getting along real good.

I'm so glad, 'cause it looks like

we're probably going to be seeing a lot

of each other, hmm?

You don't have to be shy around Jill, honey.

Isn't he the cutest thing?

Mmm.

Now, let me get this straight, Rog.

You-You want me to put a big rush on this girl

you've been dating for the last couple of weeks.

Right? Right.

And if I can get her

away from you, you're going to forget

about the 200 bucks I owe you?

Right again.

Now, what's the matter with her?

Nothing.

Well, for 200 bucks, she's got to be a real dog.

A dog? Howie, Billy Jo happens to be a very cute girl.

Then why do you want to get rid of her?

Oh, okay, okay.

Now, look, I'll level with you.

It's kind of a strange thing.

Now, look, you may not believe this, Howie,

but, well, look, she's just too much for me.

What do you mean?

Well, I don't know how to put it.

She's just...

She's very physical.

Wants to neck all the time.

Now, look, now, don't get me wrong.

I like it as well as the next guy,

but, I mean, there's a limit, right?

No, not as far as I'm concerned.

Right! Right.

That-that's why I thought of you.

I mean, you know, sometimes I like to read.

You do? Sure.

Or listen to records, but not her.

I mean, enough's enough, right?

No. See? See?

You'd like her, I knew you would.

She is a real Southern fried chick.

No, no, this is too good to be true.

Even without the 200 bucks.

Howie, here she... here she comes now.

Here she is. Look.

Hey, not bad.

Maybe the easiest 200 bucks I've ever made.

I'm sorry I'm late, darling.

Our plane got caught in a holding pattern

over at International for-for almost an hour.

Well, that's all right. I just happened to run into an old friend of mine,

Howard Stone. Howie,

this is Billy Jo Hollister.

Pleased to meet you.

I'm real pleased to meet you, ma'am.

Oh!

Oh.

Where you from?

Georgia, Alabama.

I was born in Georgia,

and then moved to Alabama.

Well, shoot, what do you think of that?

Listen, listen, I know you.

Roger, I know this girl.

You do?

You do? ROGER: Sure.

You were, uh, Miss Dixie, weren't you?

Two years ago?

No, I wasn't.

I never even entered a beauty contest.

Well, you remember that girl, Rog.

Don't you think Billy Jo is a dead ringer for her?

Uh... well, no, no, I don't think so.

Well, Roger never did have taste in beautiful women.

You know, Roger,

I think your friend is one

of the nicest people I've ever met.

Yeah? Well...

I don't know about that;

it looks to me like he's trying

to move in on you.

Oh, Roger.

No.

I think he's just a very sweet boy.

Would you like something from the bar?

Yes, yes, we would.

I'd like a mint julep, please.

Make that two mint juleps.

Yeah, I'll have a martini.

Red man really doesn't know how to drink,

does he?

I guess he doesn't.

Oh, yoo-whoo.

Jill!

Here we are, honey.

You know, Jill didn't have anything to do tonight

so I told her she could drop by

and have a little drink with us.

She's my little roommate.

Hi, everybody.

Hi. Oh.

Sorry.

Hello, Roger. Hi.

It's so sweet of you two to ask me to tag along.

Hi, there, Jill, I'm Howie Stone.

Roger and Bobby Jean have been telling me

all about you. Oh?

Say, why don't the four of us get out of here

and go dancing somewhere?

Huh?

Sounds like fun.

How about it, Rog? You and Billy May want to join us?

Me and Billy May?

Come on, Billy Jo.

Listen, I'll send you a check

for the $200.

Roger, why are you so fidgety tonight?

Well, I'm concerned about Jill.

She shouldn't be out so late.

My goodness, you certainly worry a lot about her lately.

Well, somebody's got to.

I mean, you are her roommate.

Doesn't it bother you that she's not home yet?

It's 10:30.

I don't care if it's 8:30.

You know, a lot of things can happen to a girl

when she's out there alone.

She's not alone.

She's with Howie Stone.

She's out there alone with Howie Stone.

You know, darling...

I really think it's very sweet

that you're so concerned about Jill.

I'm not concerned about Jill.

I just don't trust him.

Look, he even tried to move in on you, remember?

Mm-hmm.

It's nice you're so concerned about us.

That's the kind of sweet man you are.

Well, I just,

I just think human beings should care

about each other, that's all.

Well, so do I.

Oh, there's Howie's car.

They're home, they're home.

Good, good. Yeah.

Now maybe you can relax. Okay, relax.

Hey, listen, why don't we play some gin rummy.

You want to deal?

No, no, here, you go ahead, you deal.

You deal, go ahead.

You're first.

Um... three hearts.

Three hearts?

We're not playing bridge.

We're playing rummy.

Silly.

Well, listen, I don't feel like playing rummy.

I want to play bridge.

It takes four people to play bridge.

Well, maybe we can get somebody else

to play with us.

Where we going to find another couple

at this hour?

Hey, how about Howie and Jill?

I bet they want to play.

I'll go, I'll go

and ask them if they want to.

Oh, hi, Roger.

Oh, hi, Jill.

What are you doing home so early?

You want to play some bridge?

Where's Old Howie?

We had a fight.

Oh, gee.

That's too bad. Oh,

you poor darling.

I'm so sorry.

Is there anything we can do?

No.

It was just that same old argument

about what I should or shouldn't do

before I'm married.

Huh?

Uh, wh-what did you say?

Well, what do you think I said?

Ah, good, good for you.

There's not enough girls that'll stand up

to a con artist like Howie Stone.

I'm proud of you.

Aren't you, Billy Jo?

It really wasn't that bad, Roger.

Well, then you found out in time, just in the nick of time.

You know how those guys are.

They go from one girl to another.

Maybe so,

but none of them

can hold a candle to Jill.

Don't you worry about it, honey.

He'll think it over

and decide to do things your way.

Well, for a while, maybe.

Just to get you off guard, and then whammo.

Well, I hope you're right, Billy Jo.

Howie's great fun to be with the rest of the time.

So is the Marquis de Sade.

Oh, I guess I'll get in my nightgown

and catch the Late Show if you guys don't mind.

Oh, no, no, no, we don't mind at all.

It was going to be an early evening for us anyway.

I've got a flight in the morning.

Hey, I wonder what's on the Late Show.

Ah... Late Show, Late Show.

Ah, hey, look at that.

"Dr. Zen meets the Mummy Woman."

I've always wanted to see that one.

Is that all that's on?

Is that all?

It's a classic.

So was Frankenstein,

but he still gave me nightmares.

Good night, Roger.

Good night, Billy Jo.

Good night.

I thought you were going to bed.

I was,

but if "Dr. Zen meets the Mummy Woman"

is as good as you say it is,

I don't want to miss it.

Come on, sit down.

Hmm?

Oh, hi, Roger.

Oh, hi, Jill.

Gee, what are you doing here?

I'm off today. Oh.

Uh, Billy Jo here?

No, she's on flight today.

Don't you remember?

Oh, ugh, what's the matter with me?

I'm getting so forgetful lately.

She left about an hour ago.

Come on in.

Here I've made reservations

for two at La Shan for lunch.

Well, I guess I'll just have to go alone.

I guess I'll just have to go alone.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

You could call

and change the reservations

till tomorrow.

She's only going to Phoenix.

Roger.

What are you doing here?

Uh, uh...

Oh, I-I forgot you were flying to Phoenix today.

Why aren't you flying to Phoenix?

Fog.

The airport is completely socked in

and they don't expect it to lift

for several hours.

Well, wonderful.

You can take her to lunch now.

Uh, want to go to lunch?

Okay. Wait a minute,

on second thought, maybe we shouldn't.

I mean, maybe the fog will lift

all of a sudden.

Yeah, you're probably right. Yeah.

Where you going?

Out?

Yes, I thought I might.

Do you want a lift anywhere?

Oh, thanks anyway.

Bye.

Roger.

Yeah?

I have to talk to you about something.

It concerns us.

Okay.

Well...

this is such an awkward thing to say.

Here.

Roger...

I have been offered the chance

to transfer to Rome.

Transfer, Rome?

Yes, you see,

the airline is short a few girls

on the, the New York to Rome route.

And the supervisor told me about it.

I'll have to give an answer real soon.

You mean you'd have to live over there?

For at least a year.

Um, that's what,

what made it so hard to tell you.

Well, Billy Jo...

I think you ought to go.

You do?

Yes, it's a chance of a lifetime.

I mean, as much as I'm gonna miss you,

I couldn't stand in your way.

You go. Are you sure?

Billy Jo,

if our relationship is what I think it is,

a year's separation isn't going

to make any difference in this world. Roger,

you are a wonderful person.

Call your supervisor.

All right.

I'll tell her we can go.

We? Mm-hmm.

Jill and me.

She said if I'd go, she'd go.

Supervisor of stewardesses please.

What are you doing?

Uh, Jill, it just hit me

what you're leaving is going to do to me.

But Roger, you just said...

Don't go, Billy Jo, don't go, don't go.

Roger, I have to go.

Why?

Well, because of, of things.

You're here practically every day,

or every night.

Sometimes both.

Roger, you've just become too dependent on me.

The truth is...

I don't love you.

I'm sorry.

But that's just the way it is.

And I think that

under the circumstances,

it's necessary that, that I make a clean break.

I see, I see, I see.

But, but look, you don't have to go all the way to Rome

just to get rid of me.

I mean, you could make a clean break right here.

But you make it so difficult,

always being around.

Yeah, yeah, but look, now that I know how you feel,

I could just sort of...

I'll just fade out of the picture.

No, Roger.

But listen.

You don't have to worry.

You can find lots of other girls.

Girls?

How can you talk about other girls at a time like this.

What other girls?

How about Jill?

Who?

Jill.

She'd be perfect for you.

Jill?

You mean my... I mean, our Jill?

Of course.

I know she likes you.

She does?

I mean, she does?

Why's she going to Rome?

Well, it's not that she wants to go to Rome.

It's, uh, it's just

that there's nothing here to hold her.

But, uh, if you...

and she... Yeah.

Why don't you ask her out?

Jill?

Oh, well, Billy Jo.

I mean, I've never even thought.

Jill?

Um...

all right, all right, all right, I'm...

By golly, I'll do it.

Attaboy, Roger.

Mm, kind of funny how we got together, isn't it?

How do you mean?

Well, I always liked you,

but I couldn't let you know because of Billy Jo.

It was the same with me.

I liked you, but couldn't do a thing about it because of her.

She's a real sweet person,

but she almost ruined a beautiful relationship.

Yes, that's, that's very true.

Hi.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to break anything up.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, you, you didn't.

We were just listening to records.

Oh, Roger, this is my new roommate Michelle.

Glad to know you.

How do you do?

Oh, my hair must be a mess.

I think I'd better go freshen up.

Yeah, why don't you do that, hon?

On second thought, I think I'm going to stay right here.

Uh, yeah, well, your hair's a little messy.

That very well may be, but I'm not going to fix it now.

Well, I guess I'm in the way here.

I'll just go to my room.

Nice to meet you, Michelle.

Listen, Roger, darling.

I've been there and this is where it all stops.

♪ ♪

Don't be so shocked, Buzz.

They're part of the sexual revolution.

Don't come in!

I'll be out in a sec.

Well, hurry up, I miss you.

I had to slip my dress on.

Honey, we've been hitched a year.

Oh, I know,

but if I start letting you watch me get dressed,

I'll lose all my mystery.

You got plenty left.

Harry, it's daytime.

How about a movie tonight?

Might as well.

Ain't nobody going to ask us to supper tonight.

Is there something wrong with us, Henry?

No, it's just this Los Angeles.

Them folks don't get out of them cars.

Any Elvis Presley movies?

I'll check.

Honey, is, is this the paper I bought from that news gal?

That was a boy, Henry.

Oh, come on, Mary Lou.

Did you ever see a boy with hair down to here?

Of course, I'll admit she did have a deep voice.

This is the darnedest paper.

Just like back in Spring Falls.

In size, anyway.

Boy, we sure had some gay old times back home.

We sure did.

Hey, honey, I think I found us a gold mine.

They got these ads.

You know, those itty-bitty ads

like when you'd sell a used sofa back home?

They got a whole back page

full of folks looking for a good time.

Advertising for it?

Yeah, listen to this.

"Fun-loving couple would like to meet other fun-loving couple.

Object: fun."

Let's call them.

Well, come on.

There ain't nobody else more fun-loving than you and me.

Right.

Hey, maybe they square dance.

Oh, honey, swing your partner round and round.

Do-si-do and around we...

Wait a minute.

By George, here's one for square dancers.

Listen.

"Swing your partner at a real freedom party."

Freedom party.

Sounds like real Midwest Americans.

"Come over tonight for fun and games.

Experienced swingers only, please."

You're experienced.

Why, you've even been a caller.

I never missed a square dance in my life.

Fun and games, whoo-ee! Yahoo!

Took us three weeks to find them, Mary Lou,

but these are our kind of folks.

Yeah. I'm getting on that phone this second.

Okay.

There.

I'm calling in regard to your ad.

Howdy!

Vanilla.

Mm, there's nothing that turns me on like vanilla incense.

Yeah. Mmm.

What does the new couple sound like?

Oh, great.

Sounds like sort of a young Jim Arness.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, if I squeezed you too tight."

I think that's them.

Oh, I'm so excited.

How do I look?

Oh, you ought to be labeled "for mature adults only."

Howdy, folks.

Is this the Scutch house?

Well, it sure is.

I'm Ira.

This is Libby.

Oh, hello.

Glad to know you, ma'am.

I'm Henry Haskins.

And this is the missus.

I'm Mary Lou.

Mary Lou Haskins.

Oh, I don't believe it.

Come on in.

That Ira sure is a friendly fella.

Did you ever see an unfriendly swinger?

I'm even friendlier.

Do I smell something burning?

No.

Smells like vanilla pudding.

Vanilla pu...

The incense, you're putting me on about the incense.

You've got a real sense of humor.

I like that.

Well, thank you, ma'am, thank you.

How long have you been coming to parties like this?

Since I was ten.

Well... I guess there's not much else to do

in Spring Falls, huh?

Hello, everybody.

Hey!

Wow.

Sell my shoes, I'm in Heaven.

Um, Ira show you the house?

We just got here, but I'd just love to see it.

Ain't nothing I like better than poking around in houses

and, and seeing how people do things.

Yeah.

Oh, can I take my husband?

Your husband? Mm-hmm.

I don't think I'm ready for that.

In fact, I think I need a drink.

Okay.

What a beautiful hand.

Strong, masterful.

Oh, I love these calluses.

Oh, thank you very much, ma'am.

But you're gentle.

I know you're gentle.

Well, I've never heard so many nice things.

I can't wait to meet the rest of the folks.

I think this is it, dear.

Three couples?

Well, back home we didn't figure it was a party

unless'n there were ten or 20 couples.

Ten or 20?

Come on, I'll show you the house.

Don't steal Henry.

We've hardly met.

Ha, ha!

Woo-hoo!

Henry?

Henry!

Come on, I'll show you the house.

Woo-hoo! This house must be really something to see.

I'll go get Mary Lou.

She won't want to miss out on this.

Next time.

Excuse me, ma'am.

You know, I think folks getting together like this is

real good for what ails you.

All the psychiatrists say so.

You know that Henry and I didn't talk to a living soul

for three weeks?

Why, he was about ready to snap my fool head off.

Oh, you poor kid.

You about ready for some therapy?

Well, I guess I am.

Come on, I'll show you the house.

Oh, I'd just love to see it.

Can Henry go?

Hey, where is he?

Oh, well, this kind of thing just bores Henry anyway.

Mm...

Hey!

Hey, Ira.

Ira.

Ira?

I don't want to scare you,

but your wife ain't feeling too good.

Try vanilla incense.

We got into this bedroom

and all of a sudden she kind of went faint.

And?

Well, she had this trouble getting her breath,

and I had this boy scout training,

so I gave her that mouth- to-mouth resuscitation.

It only made her worse.

Henry.

Henry, where did you disappear to?

Well, I thought I'd better get some help.

Oh, come on.

Well, wait a minute, where's Mary Lou?

Oh, Mary Lou!

Here I am, honey.

Seth was just showing me the bedroom.

You folks sure are hospitable.

But we ain't going to have no fun

if you keep going off to bedrooms.

Now, look...

you got something better in mind?

I sure have.

Would you like teams or couples?

Oh, I think teams are more fun, Henry.

You're right, Mary Lou.

Okay, all the girls sit on that side of the couch.

Well, come on, let's go.

And all us boys on this side.

Now, the girls are fairy princesses

and the boys are frogs.

He's kidding.

The girls can ask the frogs any questions,

but the frogs must answer with...

"Ribbit, ribbit,

ribbit."

One ribbit

means no.

Two... ribbit, ribbit... Means yes.

Now, if the frog forgets and answers with a word,

he loses two points.

Oh, I know it's tough, but get this.

The princess who trips him up gets two points.

See?

But when someone yells "Red light!"

when you're asking a question,

the frog next to the frog answering the question

has to answer it.

That's right.

And if he misses it,

he loses four points,

and the princess who yells "Red light!"

gets four points.

This is going to bring back monogamy.

Do something. Henry?

Yeah?

I don't want to interrupt,

but some of us have got to be at work in the morning.

Now, I got a game that I think you'll like.

The old car switch.

Yeah.

Can you play it with a pickup truck?

That's the best kind.

Okay, men,

put your car keys on the table.

Now... girls, close your eyes.

No peeking.

And grab a key.

Here's my keys, Henry.

That's my Caddy.

A Cadillac.

I always wanted to drive one of them things.

Come on, Mary Lou, let's go.

Oh, boy.

We'll see you tomorrow.

Bye.

Come on.

A Cadillac, wow.

Bye.

He took his own wife.

He must be some kind of nut.

Well, it's surely something new.

You know, it's kind of romantic.

Let's try it.

It'll be like old times, huh?

Mm...

I have the truck keys.

I can't drive a truck.

I don't have a truck license.

Then why don't we stay here and use our marriage license?

Mm...

Oh, gee, here comes my wife.

Pretend you don't know me.

Heads.

Three out of five, three out of five.

Uh, tails.

Five out of seven, five out of seven.

Sooner or later, you're going to have to kiss me.