Original subtitles

Come on, kitty.

Come on down.

I'm not going to hurt you.

Come on, kitty.

Come on down.

Not till you learn to keep your hands to yourself!

♪ Love, love, love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ And by the dawn's early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight you will see three separate views

of Love American Style:

a sports fan, his troubled wife,

and a lovely visitor from the East,

marriage, and hints on how to save one,

and our first story about a good Samaritan

and his understanding wife called...

I'm telling you we could save almost $40

if you fly with me.

We've been all through that, Harry.

I just don't think

we should fly on the same plane.

You take the next flight, and we'll meet at the hotel.

All right, dear.

Now, your ticket's in this pocket

and your hotel reservation is in this pocket.

It's the Plaza Hotel,

and I've written out the exact directions.

You give them to the cab driver.

I'm sure the cab driver knows the way.

He probably knows several ways.

Mine's the cheapest.

Honestly, sometimes you treat me like a child.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Now here's three dollars.

That's enough for a cab, a magazine and a candy bar.

I'll probably be the only full-grown man

flying to New York with three dollars in his pocket.

You're the only full-grown man who can't be trusted

with more than three dollars in his pocket.

Oh, Martha.

Well, how about that time in Cleveland

when you gave $200 to that man with a sick horse?

I explained that to you.

It was a trained horse.

He used him in his act on the stage.

He's probably trained to run at Hialeah.

You're cynical, dear.

And you're warm, generous and big-hearted.

It's the reason you need a cynical wife

like me to protect you.

Well, I'd better run or I won't get a good seat.

Well, I'll see you in New York.

Good-bye, darling.

Oh, and don't sit near the window.

Remember, you get dizzy.

Have a nice trip.

Flight 4 for Kansas City and Chicago.

Flight 708 from San Francisco now arriving at Gate 16.

Uh, miss?

Miss?

What seems to be the trouble?

Are you sure you don't want to tell me?

Maybe I can help.

Oh, you can't help me, Reverend.

Well, now don't be too sure.

I've helped a lot of people in my time.

After all, there's nothing I can't...

we can't do.

Come on. Tell me, what is it?

I need money.

Money?

All I've got is $113

and it takes $152 to fly to New York

and my brother's coming in from overseas

and I've just got to see him!

Oh, well, then, that's a shame. Tha-that's terrible.

Well, I'd be glad to lend you the money.

You would?

If I had it.

But unfortunately,

I'm a man of very limited means at the moment.

Three dollars to be exact.

Say, wait a second.

How much did you say you had?

$113.

Well, why not if all it takes is a little white lie?

What do you mean?

Well, for $115 you could fly with me as my wife.

All I'd have to do is lend you two dollars,

You know, the family plan,

you see?

Gee.

Yeah, they said there'll be three feet of snow

in New York by tomorrow.

Every eastbound plane is grounded here in Chicago.

Something we really didn't expect.

Every room in this hotel has been filled.

And you know something?

Some singles have had to double up

with strangers.

But you people are married, so you're lucky.

Right.

Very lucky.

Well, this is the heater over here,

and the radio's right over there and the TV's right here.

You know, folks.

I'm sure that the planes will not be able

to take off before 10:00.

So I would suggest why don't you stay in bed nice and cozy

and snuggle until we

call you, huh?

Thank you.

Well, sir, I guess that will be all, sir?

Oh, oh, oh, uh...

Thank you.

Could I trouble you for some change?

Change?

No trouble at all.

Here's 25.

50.

75?

You must be kidding.

Here's 20 cents for you.

I know how you fellas depend on tips.

Not always.

Oh, uh, could I speak to you privately for a minute?

Is it about the tip?

No, no, no.

I wonder if you could do me a favor.

Could you bring up another bed, please?

Another bed?

Shh! See, I can't sleep with my wife.

There's a little problem.

Little problem?

I'll see what I can do for you, sir.

Gee, Reverend, I sure am sorry about this.

Oh, please.

No, really, I feel terrible.

You should have let me tell them down at the desk.

They would have rescinded your ticket.

Now look, there's nothing to worry about.

This is all perfectly innocent.

Just two people who happen to be occupying the same hotel room

for the night.

Well.

All right.

Sure make me feel better.

Hey, wait till I tell them I spent the night

in a hotel room with a reverend.

Who-who do you think about telling?

Oh, you know, just the kids.

They'll think it's really a kick.

Oh, now, now, now...

As a matter of fact,

do you know what this would be just great for?

"The Most Unforgettable Character I Ever Met."

Not the Reader's Digest.

Now we know that this is all perfectly innocent.

But I think it'd be much better

if we just don't mention it to anyone.

Oh, yeah? To nobody?

Right.

To nobody.

What about in confession?

Who's your confessor?

Father Murphy, Saint Agnes.

Father Murphy? Well, I play golf with him!

You mean I can't even confess this to Father Murphy?

Well, there's nothing to...

Well, follow your conscience.

The Y.

What?

The YMCA.

See, I can't ask for a room here...

Could you connect me with the nearest YMCA, please?

Thank you.

See, I can spend the night over there,

then I can sneak back here in the morning

and nobody will be the wiser.

Gee, Reverend, I hate to have you go.

Uh, YMCA?

Do you have a single room for tonight?

Oh, great.

How much is that, please?

Oh, that much?

Don't you have anything cheaper?

Uh... uh, 80 cents.

What mission?

Saul's?

On, on River Street?

Uh, well, uh, uh, thanks just the same.

Their cheapest room is four dollars.

Gee, Reverend, I don't see why

you're getting so uptight

about staying in the same room with me.

I mean, like you said, it's all completely innocent.

I mean, first you tell me that there's nothing wrong with it...

and then you get all nervous yourself.

No, no, I'm not...

Y-you're absolutely right.

There's nothing to get nervous about.

Of course.

Now, who's going

to take a shower first, you or me?

S-shower? You want to take a shower, don't you,

before we go to bed?

Oh, before we go to bed.

Uh, look, you take a shower

and I'll go out and get some coffee,

and then I'll take a shower

and you get out of here and get some coffee.

Okay.

Doesn't coffee keep you awake at night?

I-I-I have a feeling I won't be doing much sleeping tonight.

Just a second.

Hi, Reverend.

I found this cot for you.

Oh, good, good. Yeah.

Just, uh, anyplace right over here.

Oh, that's fine.

You folks do have a problem, don't you?

I mean, I didn't realize it was as serious as all that.

But this ought to solve it, huh?

Oh, yeah, this is fine, thank you.

Can I come out now, Reverend?

Oh, yes, come on out.

Your wife called you "Reverend"?

Oh, everybody calls me Reverend.

Yeah? Even your kids?

We don't have any children.

I can understand that.

Well, Reverend, I guess you're all set up.

Oh, uh...

just a second.

Oh, no, no, no, no, like I told you,

that one big tip took care of everything.

Pleasant dreams.

Thank you.

Well, I...

I guess this solves our little problem.

I'll take the cot and you can have the bed, Reverend.

Oh, no, no, no, I insist.

I'll take the cot and you take the bed.

Oh... well... okay.

Well, good night, Reverend.

Good night, dear.

Uh, uh, Katie.

Oh!

There's nothing to be nervous about now.

Oh, I'm not nervous.

I thought you were.

No, no, not in the least.

After all, this may look bad,

but there's nothing wrong here.

And our consciences are clear.

This is all perfectly innocent.

You know it and I know it.

What's more important, He knows it.

I'm not disturbed in the least.

As I say, this is all perfectly innocent.

Harry? That's my wife!

Harry?

I'll be right there, dear.

Oh. Hello there.

This lady says that she's your wife, Reverend.

Yes, she is my wife.

Well!

I'm glad I'm not in your flock!

So... your plane was grounded, too, huh?

Yes, they gave me a room at the Savoy,

but I found out you were here, so I came over.

But I see they doubled you up with someone, huh?

Yeah, they put us in this double room.

Where is he?

Who?

Oh!

Well, uh...

in the bathroom.

Oh, all right.

Well, listen, I'll go back to the Savoy,

and then I'll meet you for breakfast in the morning, okay?

That'll be fine.

Uh...

have you still got the three dollars?

No, I spent 20 cents for coffee.

I've got 60 cents left.

60 cents?

What did you do with the other $2.40?

Well, I, uh... it's kind of a long story.

I'll explain it to you tomorrow.

Good night, dear.

Is your roommate nice?

Oh, yes, nice enough.

Oh, a musician.

What's this?

He plays the guitar.

Oh, yes, yes, plays the guitar.

I don't know how well.

What's this, hair spray?

Yes, that's hair spray.

Is he a performer?

Well, I don't know.

See, it's just for one night.

It's none of my business.

Lipstick.

Lipstick.

I'd really like to meet this roommate of yours, Harry.

Well..

Kind of a strange thing happened.

Reverend.

Oh, uh, Katie.

Who is this, Harry?

Well, this is my wife.

No, no, no, that's ridiculous.

You're my wife.

This is my roommate.

Your roommate?

Yes.

See, this is the girl I wasn't telling you about.

Well, you see, a strange thing happened.

I've already assumed that.

Look, Reverend, why are you getting

all hung up on this double talk?

Why don't you just tell her

the truth?

She'd never believe it.

Why not?

It's so simple.

Now look, Missus, um...

Pickard. Right, Mrs. Pickard.

Now I didn't have enough money to go to New York

and I wanted to,

so your husband took me along as his wife, that's all.

See? On the family plan.

Right, and we didn't know we'd get grounded in a snowstorm.

Right, it's all perfectly innocent.

But I couldn't tell them we weren't married,

so they put us in this room.

Look, if you'd given me more money,

I would have given it all to her,

and this never would've happened.

All right, all right. I believe you.

You do?

Yes, from any other man it would sound ridiculous.

But from you, who gave $200 to a strange horse, it figures.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Well, what do we do now?

Well, I could go back to the Savoy

or you could go to the Savoy.

Or you could, Harry.

And I suppose there are a couple of other choices.

No, I'll go.

That's the only one that makes any sense.

I'll just get my things together.

Oh, uh, do you think they'll take me?

Oh, sure, just tell them you're Mrs. Harry Pickard.

You should be used to that by now.

Sorry, dear, I must have given you

a couple of bad moments there.

Oh, that's all right. Forget it, dear.

I love you and I trust you

and that's what counts.

I love you, too.

But from now on, we fly together.

I speak to all strangers and I carry the money.

Right.

Oh.

Ten, 20, 30, 40...

and 50.

Are you proposing to me, Buzz?

No, I dropped my contact lens.

I like you, Lamar.

But you're so meek.

Just once, I'd like to see you

show some strength.

Lamar...

you're such an animal.

So in the middle of the whole thing

she says, "Let's go horseback riding."

I said, "Fine."

So at 3:30 this morning,

I'm horseback riding around the fire

with a topless dancer.

How'd you get a horse at 3:30 in the morning?

What a question... "How'd I get a horse?"

"Where'd I get the topless dancer?"

That's what you should ask.

Where did you get the horse?

She knew the watchman at the stable.

Crazy dame, but wow.

Great. Absolutely great.

What's the matter, Mel? You pooped out?

Yeah, in more ways than one.

I've had it, Herb.

My life is over.

What are you talking about? You're a young man.

Yeah?

You know how old I'll be next week?

35.

So what?

I'm 42.

Yeah, you're 42 and alive.

I'm 35 and dead.

What is it, Mrs. Bailey? What's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

Come on. Don't lie to me.

I can feel it in your hair.

It's full of anxiety.

You're very sensitive, Marshall.

Call it hairdresser's intuition.

All right.

I'll tell you what's wrong.

Next week my husband will be 35 years old.

And it's really got him bugged.

I mean, all he can say is "three-five."

Three-five, three-five, three-five.

Ah, the danger age.

Yeah.

Can I tell you something, Mrs. Bailey?

Sure.

I'm three-seven myself.

Are you really?

I would have taken you for about 26.

Everybody does.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I don't know.

I sense something about Mel.

He's really changed.

I mean, it's as if he thinks his life is over.

I know, I know.

Mercurial moods? Yeah.

Up one day, down the next? Yeah, yeah.

Men.

That's why I never could cut their heads.

Another ten years and I'm 45.

Then 50 and the whole thing

is over, finished, kaput.

I've never even known life.

Well, what's life?

Going horseback riding

at 3:30 in the morning with a topless dancer.

That's life.

Going underwear shopping with a bunny.

That's life.

She wasn't really a bunny.

She was a college kid who wanted to be a bunny.

That's close enough for me.

What do I do?

I work hard all day,

come home and fight with my wife.

There's got to be more to life than that, Herb.

So what do you want?

Know what I want?

For my 35th birthday?

No, what?

A divorce.

Come on now, Mrs. Bailey.

It's not as bad as all that.

Now really.

I look ugly when I cry.

Oh, it's a good thing I didn't get a facial today.

Well, stop it.

The dampness is going to take the curl out of your hair.

We've been married for ten years, Marshall.

Yes, and you'll be married for ten more.

Just as bad as the first.

That's the way life is; things don't change that much.

Oh, but we had a good marriage, really.

It's only been the last year or so.

Can I give you a piece of advice, Mrs. Bailey?

Sure.

All right, now first, stop crying.

No more, no more.

Okay.

Now bend your head a little so I can work on that part.

Now really, the thing to do

is to just take things as they come.

You've got to ride with the weather.

You must.

You must.

Because men... men go in phases

and it will pass.

But we're at the breaking point now.

Well, then you've got to bend.

The willow never breaks, but the oak breaks.

Because the oak stands up against the wind.

Yes, but the willow bends.

Bends, it never breaks.

Now after a hurricane,

you find lots of broken oaks, but only bent willows.

So my advice, Mrs. Bailey, be a willow and bend,

not one of those ugly old oaks.

But what can I do, Marshall?

All he wants to do is fight with me.

Don't fight back.

Don't fight back.

Make yourself into a wonderful,

agreeable, attractive woman.

Now who could fight with that?

Listen, you can't just tell her you want a divorce.

I mean, after 15 years, what are you going to do,

just walk into the house and say, "I want a divorce"? Yeah.

But you can't do that.

The poor woman won't know what hit her.

What should I do?

Well, the graceful thing to do is to start a big fight.

I mean a really big one.

That way at least she can look back and say,

"Yeah, that's what did it."

You're right.

A big fight.

I owe her that much.

What do we fight about?

Meat loaf.

Meat loaf?

Meat loaf.

Tonight's Thursday, right?

Audrey makes meat loaf every Thursday night.

And you're going to fight over Audrey's meat loaf?

You're right.

Audrey makes the worst meat loaf in the world.

She makes it dry. She makes it chewy.

She knows I can't stand it that way,

but that's the way she makes it.

But will she argue over it?

Are you kidding?

Audrey thinks her meat loaf

is God's gift to the kitchen.

I'm free after tonight, Herb.

Free.

Tonight, meat loaf.

Tomorrow, the world.

Well, good luck.

Is that you, honey?

Is that you, Audrey?

Hi.

Oh, no, she don't.

Dinner ready? I'm starved.

Will be in a few minutes.

How about a nice martini while we're waiting?

What's that I smell?

Oh, it's the new air freshener.

Like it?

Smells like stale cigar smoke in an aerosol can.

You know something?

You're right.

I am?

Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry, honey. I'll open a window.

Are you trying to start something?

No, honey.

I understand: you're tired and you're hungry.

I'm not tired! And when you bring out that meat loaf,

I'll show you how wide awake I really am.

I have a surprise for you tonight, honey.

I've got a surprise for you tonight, too, honey.

Good old Thursday night.

Take the cover off.

Not right away.

It's better if it steeps in its own sauce for a little while.

Steeps in its own sauce?

What sauce? Honey, take it easy. It'll just be a few seconds.

Yeah, but I want to get some.

My goodness, you're impatient.

You must be starved.

That's it. I'm starved.

Take the cover off. Okay.

Meatballs and spaghetti?!

Your favorite.

But I was counting on meat loaf!

Well, I'll make that tomorrow.

I needed it tonight.

Oh, Mel.

I got a confession to make.

I've known for a long time that I make a lousy meat loaf.

You're just being kind.

Yeah, well, I have a confession to make, too.

You also make lousy meatballs and spaghetti!

I know.

Not nearly as good as your mother's.

Well, if you're not willing

to stick up for your meatballs and spaghetti,

or your meat loaf,

then hear this.

Your pudding is always lumpy!

I was hoping you didn't notice the lumps.

You're right.

You're right. Nag, nag, nag.

That's it, Audrey. I've had it.

I can't take your carping or your bickering any longer.

I want a divorce!

All right.

Now, please, don't start crying about it.

I've got my mind made up, and you're getting hysterical...

What did you say?

I said, all right, I'll give you a divorce.

Now, sit down and eat your spaghetti

before it gets cold.

You're willing to give me a divorce? You?

Just like that?

Me, just like that.

Why?

Honey, I'm just being agreeable.

Yeah, you've been agreeable all night long.

What's the matter? You sick or something?

No.

A little tired, perhaps.

But not too tired to rush into a divorce, right?

Okay, Audrey,

I'm no dummy.

Give it to me straight.

Who is he?

Who's who? Who's this guy you're so anxious to divorce me for?

Me divorce? What-what guy?

You're the one who just asked me for a divorce. Yeah, but I wasn't

definite about it... But boy, oh, boy,

you sure were, lady, you sure were.

You're not fooling...

Listen, I've got ten years invested in you,

and you're not gonna dump me for some bum!

What bum?! I don't know, whoever he is.

Listen, I don't even want to talk about it.

Audrey, I'll tell you what: let's forget it.

Let's forget the whole thing ever happened.

I'm willing to forget the whole thing.

We'll start over.

We'll go on a second honeymoon, okay?

Just... just promise me that you'll never see that creep again.

I promise.

I'll get it, darling.

Hello?

Hello, Mrs. Bailey. This is Marshall.

Oh, hello, Marshall.

Marshall?

Marshall?!

I hope I'm not disturbing anything.

I just thought I'd buzz you and find out

how everything's working out.

Oh, well, I can't talk to you right now, Marshall.

I understand.

Your husband's there, isn't he?

You bet he is, buster, and I'm staying here!

So watch it, pal, and stay away from my wife,

or I'll knock your teeth out!

That man is vicious!

He hung up, the coward.

That's it, Audrey.

I'm taking you to Mexico City.

Anywhere. Mexico City is fine.

But you got to try to forget him.

Promise me you will try to forget that guy.

I'll try. Okay, I'll pick up the tickets in the morning.

I'll meet you back here at the house.

Check? Check.

Wait a minute.

I don't trust him.

He's liable to come sneaking around back here

while I'm in town.

You're coming to town with me tomorrow morning, okay?

Anything you say, darling.

Listen, while we're in town,

stop in at a beauty parlor, have your hair done.

But I just got... Huh? What'd you say?

It's a wonderful idea, honey.

Thank you.

It's all right.

Mmm!

Mmm...

I'm a traveling salesman.

And I'm a farmer's daughter.

Yeah?

Heard any good jokes lately?

You really are a golf fanatic!

I just want to play one round.

SPORTSCASTER back to pass.

Dolensky's open.

And he's got it heading down the right sideline.

Down the 42-yard line,

and looks like the Tornados are now on the move.

They're lining up without a huddle.

It's second down... flipping to left about three yards,

Evans to the right.

There's the snap, heating up again.

Dolensky's open and he's got it on the 30.

Norman.

What? What?

Norman.

What?!

Where are you going?

I'm leaving.

I can see that, but where you going?

Norman, I'm leaving you.

You're kidding.

Do I look like I'm kidding?

You're not kidding.

Vera, wait.

I love you.

Bull feathers.

You don't love me.

You love Arnold Palmer, Wilt Chamberlain,

and Harmon Killebrew.

Harmon Killebrew.

You love me.

I do. I love you. You love me.

You love everything on that boob tube,

that grunts, squeals, groans,

kicks, bites, scratches,

bats, bowls, or bounces.

Are you trying to tell me you don't like sports?

Me?

I love sports.

I'm the biggest sport in this house.

I'm your batting practice pitcher,

your tackling dummy,

your human hockey puck!

Vera, please, don't go. I'm your husband.

You're not a husband.

You're a fan!

Vera, wait till after this play.

We'll talk it over.

Vera!

Leave the boy alone. You can't stop him.

Vera!

Come back!

There's a leak in the front left tire.

What is the very smart move?

As Walker is a very personal quarterback.

And this could mean a flat pass, a look in

or it could mean a keep.

Ram, by the way, completed six out of eight

in the first quarter.

Walker starts the count.

It's a handball for the throw by Miller, but no gain.

But Ethel, she's been gone two weeks now.

You're her best friend.

If you don't know where she is, who does?

Look, in case you hear from her,

will you, will you tell her to call me up?

But not during the game.

Around the turn...

it's Fairtree on top by one,

but none a second ahead Cantini...

it's Fairtree and Bananas...

In a minute, they're in a stretch.

Yeah, come on. Let's go.

Come on. Let's get in there.

Come on, ride.

Ride, go!

Come on, go!

Go, you bum you.

All right.

Uh, I think you want the Yomomaro family

down the street.

It's, it's a place with the yellow trim

and the pagoda birdhouse on the roof.

Norman-san,

it is your Kyoko.

Kyoko.

Kyoko?

Kyoko?

Have I, have I changed so much?

Kyoko.

Holy Toledo.

Kyoko!

Oh.

Oh, my, it's been a long time, Kyoko.

I have counted every hour.

You did?

Gee, that's wonderful.

Thanks, Kyoko.

Oh, my.

Holy Toledo.

Um... will you ask me in?

Will I... will I ask you in?

Kyoko.

I don't believe it.

Kyoko.

Kyoko.

Kyoko?

It keeps the house cool.

This is, uh...

It's usually a little neater than this,

but my, uh,

my housekeeper left unexpectedly.

You are as I remember you,

Norman. I am?

You're kidding? I mean...

aw, come on.

Yeah?

Your eyes are the same.

Well, so are yours.

Both of them.

Uh, would you...

Domo.

Well...

well, Kyoko.

What are you, uh...

what are you doing in, uh...

in this, uh, part of town?

Little vacation?

You visiting your relatives maybe?

Scouting for the Japanese baseball league?

No.

I have come to see you.

Me?

All the way from Japan?

Yes, Norman-san.

Do you recall the last words you spoke to me when we parted?

The last words?

Well, it, uh...

well, it could either be ohayo

or sayonara.

I, you know, I could never remember

which was "hello" and which was "good-bye."

Well, you said...

if I was ever in your country,

I was to come to you.

I said that?

I probably did.

Oh, but who'd have figured?

I mean, not that I... not that I didn't mean it.

I mean I really meant it

at the time.

Look, Kyoko, how did you find out where I lived?

Uh, forget it. You found out.

Uh...

how do you, uh,

how do you like America so far?

Oh... I like it much better now, Sergeant.

Well, I'm not a sergeant anymore.

I'm just, just a poor civilian

in the hardware game.

Do you remember the happy days we spent together?

The nights weren't too bad either.

I brought this one for you.

Oh, one of them crooked trees, huh?

It is from the garden of Tosun.

Do you remember?

Garden of Tosun?

Yeah! Yeah!

It was two blocks kitty-corner from the soccer stadium.

It is where we met.

We met at the soccer stadium?

No. The garden of Tosun.

That's right.

You were having tea with that funny little guy.

That's my father.

Wonderful fella.

Oh, he was a wonderful fella.

Especially when he get got a little sake in him.

Remember?

Oh, by the way, would you like a little something?

Can I get you a beer or a low-cal?

No, thank you. Norman-san,

I have something else for you.

Yeah?

Kimono.

Do you remember?

Let's see.

"Logan, N. 36398774.

No starch."

It's mine, all right.

Will you put it on, Norman?

You mean now?

I have long dreamed of it.

You're kidding.

You mean you dreamed of me putting on my kimono?

Yes. It would please me very much.

Well, I don't want to blow a dream for you.

Boy, the old kimono.

I remember the first time I put this thing on.

Hey, still fits.

Not bad.

Not bad. Not bad.

Oh, Kiyoko, you don't have to do that.

Oh, I wish to.

The Japanese has a saying,

"House of love must be no less clean

than house of lovers."

Great. Look, while you're cleaning up,

I'll catch the hammer throw finals on educational TV.

And I don't know about you viewers,

but this is the most exciting hammer throw finals

I've ever been to.

As I told you from the beginning,

the champion is suffering from indigestion.

What will we drink to this time?

To old friends who are not present.

Uh, let's forget old friends who are not present.

How about we drink to Disneyland?

Kanpai. Kanpai.

Norman?

Yes?

Do you remember

the thing you loved best between us?

What thing?

You like to walk on the furniture?

No, Norman.

The old back massage.

Would you like me to do it?

Gee, I don't know.

I don't know if I can still take it.

Ah... for old times' sake.

You ready? Yeah.

All right, Kyoko, but watch out for the kidney area.

Oh, that's beautiful, Kyoko.

Ah.

A little to the left.

Eh, that's the spot.

Ooh, ooh.

Oh, wait a minute.

Kyoko, could you hand me that clicker on the TV set?

That's it.

The temperature's in the 70s

with a slight breeze to the west.

Just in time for the kickoff.

All right, Kyoko, start walking.

And here we go!

Johnson's picking up.

You know, I think you put on a couple of pounds.

Oh, you know, Kyoko, you got some feet.

Hello, Norman.

Hi.

Oh... oh, hi.

Hi.

Uh... uh...

Yeah, that, that's, uh... Kyoko.

Uh, Kyoko, this is my wife, um, uh...

Vera.

Oh, yeah, Vera, Vera.

My wife Vera, this is, uh, uh, Kyoko, my, uh, m-my...

Your maid, I presume.

No, no, no, of course.

She's, uh, she's, uh, my, my gardener.

Oh, stop lying to me, Norman.

Where did this Japanese beetle come from?

Vera, please, remember your manners.

I'll remember my manners; you remember Pearl Harbor.

Excuse me.

I did not know you are married.

How come you didn't tell her

you were married, Norman?

Well, I, I, I, I don't know.

It just didn't come up in conversation.

That's all.

Well, it just did.

We're married. Comprende?

Oh, for crying out loud, Vera,

she doesn't understand Spanish.

So we're even. I don't understand Japanese.

How do you like this?

I come home and find you living with a stranger.

She's not a stranger.

What?! Uh, uh, uh, well,

we knew each other when I was stationed in Japan.

What do you mean "knew each other"?

Nothing, nothing.

We, we just had a little sukiyaki together.

Sukiyaki.

Who are you kidding, Norman?

You can't even eat boiled rice without an alkalizer.

All right, all right, so we had a few laughs in Japan.

Big deal.

We weren't married.

I didn't even know you then.

Excuse me.

Uh, I have no wish for trouble.

I only meant to bring Norman, you know, inner peace.

Yeah, inner peace.

That's it, Vera.

Mm-hmm.

Well, let me tell you something.

The only inner peace he's going to get is in jail

when I nail him for bigamy,

philandering, and... fraternizing with the enemy.

Vera, you're hysterical.

You're darn right I'm hysterical.

I come back to my own home

and I find my husband with a live-in geisha.

She's not a geisha.

How do you think that makes me feel, Norman?

I walk in here and the first thing I see is

this barefoot kabuki doing a tap-dance on your spine.

I thought you had bursitis, Norman.

Well, that shows you the way you listen.

It's in my arm, not in my back.

Excuse me.

And you're going to throw away our entire marriage

for this Asian floozy?

Just a minute.

Just one minute.

You're the one who walked out, not me.

Let me tell you something else.

It's a good thing...

It's a good thing she came here when she did

because this whole house would have been condemned

by the health department.

She keeps a great house.

So could I if you didn't live here.

Excuse me.

And you're so glad to see me,

you haven't even picked up my suitcase.

Don't touch that suitcase.

I haven't decided yet whether or not I'm gonna stay.

Norman?

Norman, where are you going?

Haven't you any decency at all?

We're a triangle.

People shoot each other every day over things like this

and all you can think about is your crummy football game.

That's the Honeydew Bowl. I don't care

if it's the D.A.R. Olympics.

Excuse me. If you love this girl,

at least be a man and say so.

"In the spring,

your loveliness is as the song of birds"?

You wrote that about her?

Huh? Oh, oh, no, no, she, she wrote that about me.

Yuck.

Yuck yourself.

You could learn something from this girl.

Maybe you'd like me to walk on your back.

Don't knock it till you've tried it.

I'd love to.

With my golf shoes on.

Oh, thank you.

Excuse me, I...

I tell you what I'm gonna do with you, Norman.

You can have the girl, but I'll take the house,

the car, the furniture, and the TV set.

Don't touch

that TV set.

Ah... I'm going to bleed you dry.

And don't say

I didn't warn you.

You're getting into real trouble now: mixed marriage.

I got news for you, Vera.

No marriage could be more mixed than ours.

Excuse me, Norman-san, why don't we...

What'd she say?

Ooh, "what'd she say?"

Don't get so excited.

All she said was "Let's talk it over."

All right, who wants to talk first?

Okay, I will.

Yeah, that figures.

Now, let's look at it this way, Norman.

You're no prize package,

but we've been married for 13 years, right?

I thought it was 14 years.

What difference does it make?

The point is there was something between us.

Oh, yeah.

Fights.

Sure, we fought, but look what we built up:

this beautiful home, beautiful furniture...

sterling silver, a car with a new left front wheel and tire.

45 bucks, I knew it.

Get dressed, honey.

What can she do to top that?

I can give Norman things of spirit...

Tranquility, harmony, a sense of poetry.

The only poetry he knows is

"There once was a lady from Wooster,"

and he recites it when he's smashed.

When the labors of the day wears him,

I will bathe his body.

I'll have a Bloody Mary waiting in the front door

and he can bathe his own body.

Norman.

Norman!

Huh? Huh?

There seems to be a little disagreement

as to which one of us can do the best for you.

Uh, we'd like to hear your views on the subject.

Uh, I-I don't know. It's a tough decision to make.

You see the problem?

I shall change him.

Change him?

Honey, you're gonna have to walk

on more than his back to change him.

You'll have to walk all over his head.

Do you know what Norman likes?

I'll clue you in.

He likes cheap cigars, penny ante poker,

barbecued hot dogs, canned beer,

torn gym shoes...

And television.

Right.

Look at him.

A closed-circuit head

on a solid-state body.

He turned his back on us for the joys of football.

Oh, it's not only football.

It's baseball,

basketball, curling,

sheep-shearing, and shot-putting.

In my country, we have a saying.

"When the two robins fight over a single worm,

it is perhaps the birds, not the worm, who should turn."

Worm is right.

Come on. Get in. Come on. Get in.

Hey, what are you doing?!

It's in the middle of a touchdown play!

You're just going to have to take a minute out.

What?

Norman-san, I am leaving.

It is clear that you have no need for me.

Or me either.

I'm going with her.

W-Wait a minute, girls.

Wait a minute. What are you talking about?

W-W-Why can't we talk it over, huh?

What do you say?

Sayonara.

Yeah, sayonara.

Sayonara?

What is that? Hello or good-bye?

It ain't hello.

He crosses the 35, 40, 45, across mid-field.

Great blocking.

Honey, honey.

I've gone to the analyst

and he's completely cured me of all that's making me fickle.

I mean it.

I love you and I want you to be Mrs. Lamar Nettleman.

Will you?

Lamar?

Lamar? Lamar?

Hi.

Can I see?

Oh, hello.

Ow!

I never did like Rosemary's baby.

Touché.