Original subtitles

Poor Lamar.

He is constantly getting up on the wrong side of the bed.

♪ Love, love, love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

three separate views of love, American style:

Young marrieds and the pitter-patter of tiny feet,

a husband who doesn't know what he's missing,

and our first story about two guys

and a pair of marked cards which we call:

You know, it's, it's funny, but I'm, uh...

I'm kind of nervous about all of this.

But why, Mr. Feinstein?

Well, uh, I don't know, it's, uh...

I, you know, I get, I get around a lot, but...

this is, this is weird.

You know, like, filling out a card

and putting it in a computer

and having a computer fix me up with a girl.

Mr. Feinstein,

where have you been the last few years?

Computer dating has been accepted all over the world.

Excuse me for being personal,

but where do you usually meet girls?

Oh, uh, bar, uh, bowling,

I met one great chick at the roller derby.

She was, uh...

And nothing really happened with them, did it?

Well, it depends on what you mean.

I mean there was no lasting relationship.

Well, uh, no, otherwise I wouldn't be here.

Right.

That's because you had nothing in common

with those other girls. Mmm.

Now this is scientific.

You put down all the special things about yourself,

your likes, your dislikes,

and we feed the information to the computer.

Then the computer finds someone just right for you.

Well, what if it doesn't work out?

Then we find someone else just right for you.

We'll find a mate for you,

Mr. Feinstein, if it takes us 20 years.

In 20 years, I probably won't care.

Don't you worry now.

Oh, 45961,

what can we do for you?

Oh, well,

I was just in the neighborhood,

and I thought I'd stop by.

Has the computer found anyone for me yet?

I'm sorry, we're still working on it.

But the right card hasn't come up for you yet.

Oh, gee, I was hoping there might be somebody for tonight.

I don't have anything to do at all.

Uh, listen...

I'm sorry.

As soon as something comes up, we'll call you.

Yes, well, I guess I'll just go to another movie...

alone.

You'll probably be hearing

from us very soon.

Hey, listen, she wasn't doing anything tonight, and I'm free!

Why couldn't you...

You're going to have a date tonight.

As soon as the computer finds the proper match for you,

the information card will come up

and you'll be on your way.

Yeah, but that 496...

45961?

Not right for you at all.

But she was beautiful!

Mr. Feinstein, what does that mean?

You might have fun for one night,

but after that, nothing.

So what? Please!

Let me blow one night, huh?

No, no.

Oh,

here it comes now.

Here it is, 64297, Frances Adams.

Frances.

Frances Adams.

Well, that's a nice name.

It certainly is.

She'll pick you up at 7:00 tonight.

What? She's going to pick me up?

That's what the card says.

Why?

I mean, isn't it usual for the guy to pick the girl up?

Mr. Feinstein, the computer decides these things,

and it knows what it's doing.

Oh, here's the reason.

You like to cook, she likes to drive.

Yeah, so?

Well, don't you see?

It all works out beautifully.

You cook a nice dinner at your place

and she'll drive over.

Oh.

Oh...

Hey, that computer is pretty slick with that, huh?

It's way ahead of us, believe me.

Hey, well, well, uh, do I get that card?

You certainly do.

That way you know just everything there is to know

about Miss Adams.

Ah, come here, you little doll you.

You know, Mr. Feinstein,

I've been in this business so long,

I can tell by the way the holes are punched in the card,

what kind of person they are.

Just looking at her holes,

I'd say you've got a dreamboat.

Yeah.

Wow.

Just a minute!

Oh, yeah?

Uh, can I help you?

I'm looking for Marian Feinstein.

Yeah, I'm Marion Feinstein.

No, no, I'm looking for Marian Feinstein, the girl.

Well, Marion's also a man's name.

Look, buddy, I'm expecting someone any minute.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Computer Mate sent me.

They said I was to pick up a Marian Feinstein here at 7:00.

You're from Computer Mate?

But they told me that she was going to come here.

I mean, I, I cooked dinner and everything.

Who's supposed to come here?

Frances Adams.

I'm Francis Adams.

Frances Adams is a girl.

Francis is also a man's name.

I'm Francis Adams and I'm no girl.

You're Francis Adams?

And you're Marion Feinstein? I mean...

You're my date? You're my date? I can't...

I wrote down on the form

that I was an "M" and I wanted an "F."

You're no "F".

What do you think I put down?

You're no "F" either, you know.

Are you putting me on?

Is this a put-on?

Am I on Candid Camera or something?

Do you have your identification?

Yeah. I got it right here.

Where's yours?

64297?

That's me.

64398.

That's me.

I blew ten bucks for you.

Ten bucks? I blew 100 bucks.

$100? Yeah. 100 bucks.

For 100 bucks, they give you a mate for life.

You are my mate for life.

I am going to spend the rest of my life

with you.

Good evening, Mr. Feinstein.

Tonight's the big night, hmm? No. It's tomorrow night.

Your computer date. Tomorrow night, Mrs. Kane.

Oh, I thought it was tonight. No. Tomorrow night.

Well, good luck tomorrow night.

I hope you find who you're looking for.

Thanks, Mrs. K.

Well, bye now.

Good night, Mrs. K.

Get in here, will you?

I don't believe this.

I mean, I just don't believe this.

This is absurd!

I'm not too choked up about the whole thing myself.

Look. I mean, look at all the work I went to.

I cooked dinner here in the house because you like to drive.

I fixed up the apartment.

I even had a cleaning lady come in.

I should have told her to stick around.

What are you squawking about? Look at me.

I went out and bought a new suit.

I even got a manicure.

And these set me back $6.50.

What's this?

They're flowers for you.

Thanks. What are they?

What are they? They're cymbidiums.

You wrote down you loved them.

I don't know from flowers.

The only reason I put that down

was because it was in a crossword puzzle that morning.

Crossword puzzle?

You don't know about those flowers?

They're out of season.

Took me a whole day to find them.

I went to an awful lot of trouble for you.

I memorized every lousy thing on your chart.

I even know your favorite color.

Brown.

Yeah, and I don't even look good in brown.

Aw, come on. You look fine.

Oh, this whole thing stinks.

I went out and bought a bottle of champagne, too.

I like champagne.

I know. You wrote it down. I got a magnum.

I thought maybe later we could go back to my apartment.

I'd try to get you a little loaded and...

Just like that, huh?

Right up to the apartment.

You thought I was that kind of a girl?

Well, you wrote down that you were a swinger.

Well, not exactly a swinger.

I put down on the scale that I was a seven.

Me, too.

Want to know something?

I was going to put down that I was a ten.

Ten?

Yeah, yeah, but I was afraid

I was going to scare you... scare her away.

I'm, uh... really a four.

No kidding?

Well, I'm a four also.

Yeah, but you said...

I know I put down seven.

It's just that, well, I...

I didn't like the way they described the four, that's all.

Yeah. Neither did I.

But there's nothing wrong with being a four.

I bet there are hundreds of guys walking around

saying that they're eights.

Or nines. Or tens.

And they're fours.

Well, I'm a four, and I admit it.

Yeah, sure. I'm a four, and that's that.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Don't get me wrong. I date chicks.

I dig chicks and they dig me.

Well, I dig chicks and they dig me, too.

Geez! There was a chick this morning

at the computer place.

I mean, fantastic.

But she wasn't right for me.

Get this: you were.

What are you crying about?

The dame at the bank, she's been after me for three months.

Today, she invited me to go to a swinging party tonight.

You know what I had to say? Pass. Not me.

I got a hot date with Marion Feinstein.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

You are a secretary at the bank, huh?

I'm secretary treasurer at the bank.

Yeah, well, on your form it says secretary.

All right, so they made a mistake.

Yeah, well, that ain't the only mistake they made.

Those lousy computers.

They can put a man on the moon,

but they get me a date with a guy.

With my luck, this always happens to me.

It does?

Yeah, it does.

Well, not exactly like this.

Yeah, well, it's your own fault anyway.

With a name like Frances...

Oh, you don't think Marion ain't freaky?

I know, I know, but I thought

it was all over with this name jazz

when I got out of the Army.

Oh, the Army. Don't remind me of that nightmare.

Yeah, you know what they used to call me? What?

Miss Marion, Combat Wac.

Me, I was Frances with the tight pantses.

Why not use a middle name?

Leslie?

That's out.

Mine's Elmer.

I'd give my right arm to be an Elmer.

What did you nickname yourself?

Butch.

Butch. I like that.

Me, I was Rocky.

I knew it sounded kind of strange

when you put down that your favorite sport was handball.

Well, what about yours?

Weightlifting.

Yeah, and your shoe size: ten and a half wide.

You put down your weight... 186 pounds.

I thought it was a typographical error.

God, I was looking forward so much to this evening, too.

I, I just kept thinking all day about, like, what you look like.

I, I pictured you tall with a swell figure and, uh...

On your form,

under personal appearance you wrote down "excellent."

Well, you wrote down "above average."

So?

Oh, forget it, forget the whole thing.

Hey, wait, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Listen, uh, I've been thinking.

I-I-I made this pot of chili,

your favorite food.

Yeah?

Well, I can't eat it all myself

and I don't know what you were gonna do for dinner.

You don't know what I was going to do for dinner?

I was going to have dinner with you, you...

Yeah, so, I...

Wait a second, something's burning.

Hold on.

Hello, Diane?

This is Rocky.

I feel lousy.

You busy tonight?

No, no, I'd like to see you.

Oh, you are busy, huh?

Well, I'll talk to you in a day or so then.

Yeah, right.

Who you talking to?

Just an old buddy.

You were calling some chick.

No, like I said,

it was a buddy of mine.

Don't hand me that.

You were trying to get another date.

You were calling a chick.

All right, all right, so what?

That's great. You stink, you know that?

What are you all steamed up about?

Well, I just thought you were going to at least stay for dinner.

There are a few things you didn't mention on your card,

like inconsiderate, rude and tactless.

All right, I'm sorry.

I apologize.

Forget it, man.

Do whatever you think is right.

The whole thing is a drag anyway.

Just don't call any other chicks from my phone, that's all.

Oh, you got a real temper there.

You didn't put that down on your card.

Yeah, don't worry about my temper. You ain't going to see it again.

Oh, this whole thing is bringing me down and I'm starving.

I'm going to split.

Hey, wait a second, wait, wait, will you?

Look, I'm sorry I got hot with you.

Why don't you stay and eat here?

I got this pot of chili.

And I love chili, too.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Come on, you want a bowl?

You sure you got enough?

Enough, that's for two.

Hey, this is great.

Thanks.

You know what I made for dessert?

No, what?

Spumoni.

Hey, that's my favorite.

I know.

It's not everybody that likes chili and spumoni together.

Thanks a lot.

Not at all.

I had most of the stuff around the house anyway.

It was real nice of you to do all of this.

You're a nice guy, Butch.

By the way, what are you doing tonight?

What?

No, what I meant was, I got a couple of ringside seats

to the Benson-Rizzo fight at the Garden.

Oh, no kidding?

And you were going to take me to the fights?

Well, you put down on your card you like contact sports.

Well, I thought that was a little weird, but...

You know, that's, that's darn thoughtful of you.

I wouldn't want you to miss it,

and besides, you're the only chick...

the only guy I could get at this late hour to go with me.

So here.

Yeah, sure, I'll pay you for it.

No, don't pay me for it.

No, no, no, we'll go Dutch treat.

You went to all this trouble to cook.

Will you please take the ticket?

Go on.

All right, all right, all right.

But look, after the fights, I'm going to take you to the Purple Plum.

We're going to have a couple of drinks. I'm paying.

And, uh, who knows, they got a lot of groovy chicks there.

Maybe we'll get lucky.

What kind of chicks?

You name it, fours, sixes, sevens

and there's one chick I know is a ten. Yeah?

Yeah, but she's usually gone by 9:00.

So we get a couple of sixes or eights.

That wouldn't be bad for a couple of fours, you know that?

You're right.

It's a date. It's a date.

Hey, this is great.

Are you crazy?

You can't do that.

This is a bus stop!

Well, Mom, now I tell you, he's been so busy, dear.

He hasn't even had time to see his own mother.

I promise.

The minute we get a second,

you'll be the first mother we see, okay?

Oh, listen, Mom, I just heard the garage door slam.

It must be Harry.

Can I call you back?

I promise. Yeah, right back.

Okay, dear, bye-bye.

Honey, is that you?

Hi, honey. Hi.

Mr. Crakour call yet?

Oh, no, he didn't, dear.

You know, I was just talking to Mother.

Oh, now, honey.

Why do you tie up the telephone line?

You know Mr. Crakour calls every night about this time.

There he is now.

Hello.

Yes, Mr. Crakour.

I just came in the door.

Well, I got a little tied up in traffic.

Yes, I was thinking about the very same thing driving home.

Honey, would you make me a martini?

This is going to take a while.

Yes, sir.

I have those facts right with me, sir.

Just hold on a second here.

And I will have them for you.

Let's see, Ackman, Cunningham, Dunston, here it is, Meisner.

Oh, the roast is ready.

No, sir, you're a little off on that.

I've got 17 gross with those CL splitter couplers.

Right.

And that's six dozen high-gain U-type capacitors.

Uh-huh.

Honey, where's the martini?

Yes, sir.

Never mind, I'll make it myself.

Right, Mr...

Well, I don't know where the foul up came, sir,

but I'll check on it right away.

Right.

And I'll check on that Belmont deal, too.

Oh, no, sir.

You can call any time tonight. We'll be home.

No, no, she doesn't mind at all.

She's great about that. Great little woman.

Well, thank you, sir.

That's very flattering.

Right.

That's very flattering, sir.

Thank you.

Okay, good-bye.

Phew.

Boy, honey, I am starved.

Anything to eat?

But, darling, we're going to have dinner in just one second.

Hello... Oh, yes, Mr. Crakour.

Well, sir, I don't care what Kenny said.

Well, sir, if you pardon me for saying so,

I don't think he knows what he's talking about.

Oh, bologna.

Oh, I didn't mean that for you, Mr. Crakour.

I was just having a piece of bologna, here.

Mm-hmm.

Right, sir.

What's that?

Montreal?

Well, uh, sure, I think that can be arranged.

Of course it means I have a lot of work to do before Friday.

Well, you can count on me, Mr. Crakour.

Right, 11:30 plane.

Okay, sir, very good.

Bye.

All right, sweetheart, now the dinner is all ready.

Honey, where's my black coat?

You know, it might be cold in Montreal.

Oh, I remember, it's in the closet.

Harry, can't you look for that later, please?

Oh, here it is.

Honey, you better send this out to the cleaners,

and have him put a rush job on it, huh?

Harry, the dinner is going to get cold.

Honey, look, I don't have time to eat now.

I've got to get these reports out if I'm going to Montreal.

Honey!

Look, don't worry about me.

You just go ahead and eat, huh?

I've got to get this report going right now.

Um...

And, Edna, listen, you may have to do a little overtime tonight.

Edna?

Edna?

I'm not Edna! Edna's your secretary!

I'm your wife, Pamela.

That's right... I'm sorry, honey.

But look, I've got to get these reports out before Friday.

Anyway, Agnes, it's just terrible.

Harry is spending so much time at his job,

he just doesn't seem to have any time for me.

Well, I don't think that's so bad.

How would you like to be married to Bob?

He's home all the time making those artificial flowers.

But there's a limit, you know?

Really, if he doesn't slow down at his work soon,

I honestly think it's going to be the breakup of our marriage.

What did you do?

I just cut my finger.

Let me see. Oh, it's all right.

Come on, come on, let me see.

Oh, that is a two or three stitch job.

I am taking you to the clinic.

Oh, Agnes, don't be silly. I can't go to a clinic...

I mean, Harry's going to be home... Don't worry about Harry.

I'll call Bob from the clinic

and tell him to tell Harry when he gets home.

Now let's go.

Hi, hon, I'm home.

Did Crakour call yet?

There he is.

Yes, Mr. Crakour.

No, sir, I haven't had time.

I just got in.

Oh, you want the production meeting tomorrow morning?

Well, what about those Piedmont specifications?

Oh, sure, I could, I could work tonight.

Oh, no, we didn't have anything planned.

Okay, fine.

You'll get me those figures and you'll call me right back?

Very good, sir.

All right, good-bye.

Pam, would you make me a martini?

It's going to be a rough night ahead.

You better make it a double.

Let's see, retail suppliers, jobbers, wholesale...

Hey, honey, where's the martini?

Never mind, I'll make it myself.

Let's see, I'll start out with the plastics

and then we'll go to the wholesale retailers.

No, no, I better take the plastics first,

then the machine shop.

Those guys never keep their records straight anyway.

Hey, Pam, I made you a martini.

It's on the bar.

That's it, we'll do the plastics first

and then the machine shoppers.

They never keep...

Hey, honey, I think something is burning.

It's okay, I caught it.

Hey, I think it's done.

Hey, honey, I'm going to grab a bite to eat now

if it's okay with you.

That way I won't have to stop later.

All right?

Pam, the door.

Never mind, I'll get it.

Coming. Coming.

Hi, ya, Bob. Come on in.

Hi, Harry.

Look, Harry, I just came over to tell you so you won't worry.

Agnes just called. Pam's fine. They'll be right back.

Oh, good, good.

Pam is fine?

They'll be right back?

Yeah, see, she cut her finger cooking,

and, uh, but it only took four stitches,

and they're on the way home from the clinic right now.

Wait a minute, what are you talking about, clinic?

Stitches?

Pam's right here. She is?

Well, I've been talking to her for the past 20 minutes.

You have?

Well, where is she?

She's probably in the bedroom.

Pam.

Pam?

Pam?!

She...

She's not here.

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Where is she? What happened?

I told you, she cut her finger, they went to the clinic.

It only took four stitches, and she'll be right back.

Are you sure she's all right?

I'm positive she's all right.

How long you been home?

About 20 minutes.

And you didn't even know she wasn't here?

No.

Boy.

Look, Bob...

buddy...

pal.

Now look, you got to promise me

that you'll never mention this to Pam ever.

No, but you know, there is something kind of weird

about all of this.

I mean, you talking to your wife for 20 minutes

and she's not even home?

Yeah, boy, you're right.

Weird. I don't know.

I've been acting like some kind of a nut lately,

about my work.

I ought to have my head examined.

It's too much.

I mean, I really didn't know that she was gone.

Here she is now, Mac the Knife.

Sweetheart!

Are you all right, sweetheart?

Of course, darling, of course.

Did Bob tell you?

Yeah, he did.

Oh, Harry, you would have been so proud of her.

She filled out three long forms and a check

before they'd look at her finger.

And she never complained once.

Oh, honey, it was nothing at all.

It really wasn't. Anyway, I learned

a great new recipe for stew.

You take four potatoes,

two carrots and one finger.

Look, we've got to run along.

Come on, honey. We'll see you later.

Thank you. So long.

And take care of that finger.

Yeah, I will. Okay. Thanks again.

Bye now. Bye.

Are you sure you're all right, honey?

Oh, sure.

Honestly, I'm so embarrassed.

I never did anything so ridiculous in my life.

I've never done anything so ridiculous either.

What do you mean?

Look, never mind.

How would you like to go out to dinner tonight,

just the two of us?

Oh, honey, do you mean it?

You know, that little place in the Village

we used to go to?

Oh, the one with the stale breadsticks,

soggy spaghetti?

And those dark booths

where a man can kiss his wife.

Oh, honey, I'd love it.

Come on.

That's Mr. Crakour.

Forget about him.

He knows where he can find me.

At my desk, from 9:00 to 5:00.

But never on Sunday.

Oh, Harry, I love you.

Come on, baby.

Will you marry me?

No, Garth. I like you,

but I just can't see us

spending our whole life together.

Can you see a weekend in Las Vegas?

Whoa! Aggie, I thought you were asleep!

Didn't you know

newlyweds are not supposed to sleep?

Oh, we've been married a month now.

Besides, it's almost midnight.

But I took a nap this afternoon

so I'd be wide awake now.

I don't have my shoes off.

If you loved me, you'd wear loafers.

Wow, I feel like an insect

that has fallen into the hands of a praying mantis,

but I love it.

Mrs. Hennessy's apartment.

She probably has a gentleman friend up there.

Sounds like a gentleman from the roller derby.

Ow!

Guess I better go see what's happening.

Just, just sit down here.

Wha-what happened?

Oh, what happened? What happened?!

There was this noise.

I went out to investigate.

And right, right in the middle of my living room

is a man with a flashlight.

Well, I said, "What are you doing with a flashlight

when the light switch is over there?"

With that, he took the flashlight

and hit me right over the head.

Oh!

He's not a very nice man.

Are you all right?

Oh, I'm fine,

fine.

You know, he took a bottle of my Irish whisky,

and my four-leaf clover broach,

and my mazusa which protects me from thieves.

Your mazusa? Oh, yes,

in this neighborhood, I take no chances.

Oh!

Oh, wow, you've got some bump back there.

You know something? I've had it.

There's just too much going on around here.

Now, the Murphys were robbed last week,

the Kowalskis the week before,

and Mr. Gonzalez was beaten up right in his own bed.

Oh, well, that doesn't count.

Turned out to be Mrs. Gonzalez.

Well, I don't care.

I'm very concerned.

You know what, Aggie? I have made up my mind.

We're moving out of this three-penny opera.

Oh.

I don't want to move.

This is our love nest.

Our first apartment since we were remarried,

after our divorce.

Well, I don't want to get mugged

in my love nest.

Almost everybody in the building,

they've either been robbed or attacked.

I don't want to wait until they get around to us.

But I'm not afraid of burglars.

They're just people.

Janie Palmer surprised a burglar in her place once.

She just talked to him, and they became good friends.

As a matter of fact,

they were going to get married,

except he gave her a hot ring.

We're going to move.

Oh, Gary.

Well, all right, you sleep on it.

Maybe you'll feel different in the morning.

That's it, we're going to move.

What?

I've slept on it, that's my decision.

We're getting out.

But...

You're my only wife and I love you very much,

and I don't want you maimed, mutilated

or spindled in any way.

But... No buts.

Don't forget now,

that's your project for the day,

find us a nice, roomy apartment

in a good neighborhood, but not over $165 a month.

Okay.

What should I do the rest of the day?

Hey, if you'd come home nights, you could attack me yourself,

instead of waiting for strangers to do it!

Hi, Aggie.

Mm...

Hey, you know, I figured it out.

The best part of the day is when you come home.

Yeah.

Hey, did you find us an apartment?

Well, actually, no.

Actually, I found something better.

Really? What's better?

Well, I found somebody to stay here with me

and keep me company so I won't be alone anymore.

Hi!

Hi.

Mrs. Hennessy is going to live with us?

No.

What is that thing?

It's a Lhasa Apso from Tibet.

A Lhasa what?

A Lhasa Apso, that's the breed.

They make great watchdogs.

A watchdog?

This is a watchdog?

This is a dog?

Doesn't he feel nice and cuddly in your arms?

It was Mrs. Hennessy's idea.

I was on my way out to look for apartments

and met her on the stairs, and she said, "Why move?

Get a dog instead."

Where's the key?

You wind him up, right?

Oh, don't let

the size fool you.

In Tibet, he's known as the "little lion."

Why he guards the palace of the king!

And if any thieves try to get in, he frightens them away.

How? By faking a heart attack?

So, we went to a pet store and we found Puff-Puff.

Puff-Puff?

A watchdog named Puff-Puff?

Excuse me.

Puff-Puff, kill!

That's, uh, that's terrific.

Really.

What'd you pay for this thing?

Oh, only $100.

I gave her the money, Gary.

You can pay it back whenever you like.

I don't like. Aggie!

Please, I don't want to move.

She likes it here for some reason.

All right, all right, look.

I'm not saying that getting a dog

is a bad idea.

A dog might be okay, but a real dog;

a German shepherd or a Doberman.

This thing can't protect you.

There are rats in the building

bigger than he is!

Look at him now.

He ran down.

The man in the store wound him up

and now his spring is all run down.

He's tired.

But let a stranger come in that door

and he'll be up growling and barking.

I came in that door.

I am a perfect stranger to him

and he just laid there!

Harry, they have a sense

about things like that.

He knew you belonged here.

Oh, Aggie, come on, now.

It was just a silly mistake.

Will you admit it?!

Uh, I better be leaving.

Wait a minute.

How come you always leave when it looks like

Aggie and I are going to fight?

Why, it's nothing like that at all.

I just have to be leaving.

I have some very important shopping to do.

I have to buy a new insert for my wallet.

Good-bye.

Bye, Mrs. Hennessy.

Isn't that funny?

She thinks you're really angry with me.

Yeah.

Uh-oh, he has to go out.

What?

He's telling us he has to go outside.

You see, he's perfectly housebroken.

Once, maybe twice a day, he has to go outside.

And he lets us know by crying.

For $100, he ought to write us a note.

We'll be back in a little while.

Now wait a minute.

You can't leave now.

We're having an argument.

Come with us.

We'll fight in the park.

There's something wrong with that dog.

I mean, he's passed three hydrants without stopping.

Maybe they don't have them in Tibet.

No, it's strange surroundings.

You would be the same way.

Oh, no, I wouldn't.

You see, no matter how strange it was,

it wouldn't keep me from going to the bathroom.

Bless you.

He's got a cold?

Oh, no, no, no, it's hay fever.

Hay fever?

Yes, you see, that's why we got him for only $100.

Oh, he's really a much more expensive dog.

But he was reduced because he...

Because he's got hay fever.

Perfect.

Oh, Aggie, I've got to be in court in the morning.

What are you doing here?

Aggie.

Aggie...

What is it?

Puff-Puff is crying.

So take him out.

But it's the middle of the night.

But it's your turn.

No, it isn't.

I took him out right after the news.

But I took him out after Frankenstein Met the Wolfman.

But I've got to...

All right.

This is it, understand?

Tomorrow, we get rid of the dog.

Either he goes, or I go.

Well, right now, he has to go.

What a great dog.

Hay fever. Ooh, ooh, that's a good dog.

And indecision.

I should have my head examined for keeping you this long.

Come on, I'm going to go have a drink.

You just stay out here and make up your mind.

Make a decision.

All right, let's go home.

You've got from here to the house and that's it.

You open your yap when we get upstairs and you've had it.

Hey, buddy.

Buddy. Excuse me?

I'm on my way to AA.

Don't you think you ought to come with me?

Why?

He's gone.

Puff-Puff.

Puff-Puff.

Puff-Puff!

Puff-Puff?

Puff-Puff! Puff-Puff!

Puff-Puff gone?! Oh, no!

Aggie, now where do you think you're going?

I'm going out to look for him.

Aggie, don't be ridiculous.

You can't go running around the streets at night.

Besides, I already looked for him all over the neighborhood.

He's got a tag on his collar with our address

and our phone number.

Somebody will find him and call us.

There, you see, somebody already found him.

Hello?

Yes, yes, it is.

Oh, you've got him?

Good. They found him?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Well, when are they going to bring him back?

As soon as we give them $250.

$250 reward?

No, ransom.

Puff-Puff has been kidnapped.

Kidnapped? Oh, no.

Oh, yes. What are you doing?

I'm going to call the police.

You can't call the cops. A kidnapper doesn't want cops.

Well, how do you know? He didn't say

he didn't want the police.

Gary, don't be naive.

Don't you know what happens

when you call the cops in a kidnapping?

They kill the child!

What child?

I mean the dog.

Oh, Aggie, you're just being hysterical.

I'm only going to notify the police.

Gary, put down that phone.

Aggie, I've got

to notify the police.

I mean, it's my legal duty.

A felony has been committed.

At least I think it's a felony.

Maybe it's just a misdemeanor.

Let's see, section 210

of the penal code.

How can you think of that legal nonsense

when Puff-Puff's life is at stake?

Oh, Gary, you're so establishment.

You don't even care what happens to him.

Actually, you hated him, didn't you?

Who?

Puff-Puff.

You were jealous of him

because of the affection I gave to him.

Oh, now, that's not true.

Of course he got better food than I did,

and he had a softer bed, but I didn't hate him.

Gary, there's only one thing that counts

and that's getting Puff-Puff back alive.

Now you have just got to let me do it my way.

Okay.

What is your way?

Well, the kidnapper is sure to call back with instructions

as to where and when to give him the money, right?

Right, so what's your plan?

I am going to do exactly as the kidnapper says.

Oh, that's clever. That's a great plan.

Why didn't I think of that?

Because you don't love Puff-Puff.

You're right, that's why I didn't think of it.

Okay, honey, it's your ball game.

Well, I think I'll go to bed.

You coming?

I can't sleep.

I'm going to sit here for a while.

And work on your plan, huh?

Good, well, you iron out the fine points.

Good night, Gary.

Good night.

I wish that man would call already.

Yeah.

I hope you don't mind my having a drink down here.

I just happened to run out of ice and scotch.

No, don't be silly.

May I make you one?

No, thanks.

The last time you made me one of your drinks,

my lips started to peel.

Funny, funny.

What time will Gary be back?

Oh, he's in court until 4:00.

A whiplash is more important to him than Puff-Puff.

Oh, Aggie.

There he is.

There he is.

Shall I get it?

No. No, no.

Hello?

Hello, is this Mrs. Holmes?

Yes, it is.

Well, I've got a deal here

I think you'll be interested in.

Yes, yes, I know.

And I'm completely agreeable to anything you suggest.

You are?

Hey, that's great.

Yes, now, how do you want the money?

In a brown paper bag?

Well, I guess that's all right.

Usually I just take a check.

A check?

Okay, a check for

$250.

Huh? $250?

I was only going to ask for $8.00.

Eight? $8.00?

Are you joking with me?

You have Puff-Puff, don't you?

Well, no, I don't handle any of them girlie magazines.

All I've got is Look, Life and Field and Stream.

Will you please get off the phone?

I am expecting a call from a kidnapper.

Oh, well, can I call tomorrow?

He's selling magazines.

Oh.

Hello?

I'll say this once and only once.

Take the money and put it in a brown paper bag.

This is him, this is him, the real kidnapper.

Yes, yes, I understand.

And go to the freight yards in Queens.

There's a string of six boxcars on the siding.

Put the money into the first car and wait in the last one.

Midnight tonight, and no cops.

Well, sure, of course not.

I knew you wouldn't want cops. My husband wanted

to call them, but I wouldn't let him.

I told him you wouldn't want cops.

You were right.

Your husband was wrong.

I knew it.

He's so establishment.

All right, we'll be there.

But how is Puff-Puff?

Is he all right?

Don't worry, he's fine.

Sneezed a couple of times.

Maybe he's got a little cold.

Oh, no, no, no, that's hay fever.

Um, is there ragweed where you are?

Never mind where I am, lady.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have asked that.

Oh, wait a second, one second.

Don't hang up.

Could you hold Puff-Puff up to the phone,

so I could hear him and know he's all right?

Aww...

Yeah, I guess so.

Here. Here he is.

Oh, oh, Mr. Kidnapper.

Yeah?

He's crying.

That means he has to go out.

I know, I know.

Listen, midnight tonight, please.

Hi, Mrs. Hennessy. Have you seen Aggie?

Oh? When was that?

Uh, never mind, she's home.

Hi, hon, where you been?

Downtown.

At this hour?

I mean, where's dinner? Nothing's cooking.

How can you think about dinner?

Well, I always think about dinner at 6:00.

You didn't even ask who called today.

My brother?

No, not your brother.

Who then?

You know, you amaze me.

You really amaze me.

You can think about dinner, but you don't even ask.

About what?

About Puff-Puff.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

What happened?

Well, he called.

Who, Puff-Puff?

No, the kidnapper.

What's this?

Tuna fish.

Tuna fish for dinner?

Well, I didn't have time to cook anything.

You know, I don't understand you.

You wouldn't even have thought of Puff-Puff,

if I hadn't... That's not true. I did think of him.

The minute I walked in the door, I realized

I didn't have to watch where I stepped.

That's right,

talk about him when he's gone.

Honey, I'm sorry. I had a rough day.

Hey, uh, you know, you didn't even ask me

how my case went in court.

What case?

My whiplash case. We won it.

We had a witness who saw the victim

judging a tennis match last Saturday.

No honest whiplash victim can judge a tennis match.

Impossible.

What did he say?

The dog-napper.

He wants $250 in a brown paper bag.

Oh, really?

Well, he's not going to get it.

He can have the paper bag and that's it.

He'll kill the dog.

Oh, baloney.

We are in the driver's seat.

He's stuck with a lemon.

Give him a week with that dog

and he'll be calling us,

begging us to take him back.

And what if he doesn't?

He'll pay us, mark my words.

What did you do this afternoon?

I went to get the money.

How'd you do that?

I had to hock something.

What did you hock?

Your tripod and light meter.

My tripod and light meter?

Now how am I supposed to take pictures

without my tripod and light meter?

You can't, I hocked your camera, too.

Oh, no!

Listen, will you get this straight.

I am not giving the guy $250.

Well, I am, whether you come with me or not.

Oh, no, what do you mean come with you?

Where, when, how?

To the railroad yards in Queens

tonight at midnight.

The railroad yards in Queens at midnight, huh?

That settles it.

What, who are you calling?

The police. This is a police matter.

I am not meeting a kidnapper

at the railroad yards at midnight.

You're chicken. Right, I'm chicken.

And when's the last time you saw a chicken

at the railroad yards at midnight?

Hello, Officer.

This is Gary Holmes. I'd like to report a...

1732 Vincent Street.

I'd like to report a dog napping.

There we go.

Honey, it's cold and dark in here.

Yeah, let's get away from the door.

Come on, sit down here.

Do you think the police are out there?

Yes, I think the police are out there

in their nice, warm, squad cars, relaxing.

You know, I was wrong.

I should have let you call them right away.

No, honey, I was the one that was wrong.

I didn't know the police

were going to make me come out here.

I hope it works and we get our dog back.

Are you kidding?

He's got a perfect chance to get rid of that dog.

He's not going to muff it.

It's cold, will you put your arms around me?

Yeah.

Boy, I wish we'd called the police earlier.

Why?

Well, we could have met the kidnapper,

you know, during the daytime, when it was warm.

Gary? Huh?

Can I get inside your coat?

Yeah.

Here.

Oh, hey, that's better.

Good.

Whoo.

Hey, Gary?

Huh?

You remember that movie, that French movie,

with Annabelle and... John Wayne?

John Wayne was never in a French movie.

Well, whoever it was,

he was in this boxcar and there was this boy.

I mean, he thought it was a boy,

but it was actually a girl in boy's clothes.

And then they fight and he finds out it's a girl.

Oh, yeah, and the Nazis bomb the train

and they all got blown up.

Not that part. Before that.

You remember they made love in the boxcar?

Aggie.

Come on, now, the police are out there

looking for a kidnapper.

Gary. No, Aggie.

Would you folks mind keeping it down?

You're going to get us all tossed out of here.

There's Puff-Puff. Puff-Puff!

Oh, darling, oh, I missed you so much.

Hey, listen, no dogs.

I hate dogs.

They're dirty and smelly.

See, Aggie, everything worked out just fine.

You got your dog back safe and sound.

We don't have to move out of our apartment,

and the police will get that guy.

If you'd just let me handle things...

What was that?

Somebody closed the door.

It's locked, I can't open it.

Gary, we're moving.

We're pulling out. Where are we going?

What are you worried about?

I've got to go all the way to Philadelphia

cooped up with that dog.

Philadelphia?!

That's right, Philadelphia.

Hey, lady, the dog's crying.

I know.

He wants to go out.

There is no out.

Tell him he has to wait

until we get to Philadelphia.

Look, Scarlet, I know you're all wrapped up

in this Blacks from Africa thing

and the natural look,

however, I love you and I want you to be my wife.

Hey, let's take a little swim.

I don't have a bathing suit.

It's okay.

What difference does it make?

Okay.