All language subtitles for Love American Style S01E06 Love and the Busy Husband, Love and the Dating Computer, Love and the Watchdog

Poor Lamar.

He is constantly getting up
on the wrong side of the bed.

♪ Love, love, love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the
red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled
night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your
head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's
early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend
your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

three separate views
of love, American style:

Young marrieds and the
pitter-patter of tiny feet,

a husband who doesn't
know what he's missing,

and our first story
about two guys

and a pair of marked
cards which we call:

You know, it's, it's
funny, but I'm, uh...

I'm kind of nervous
about all of this.

But why, Mr. Feinstein?

Well, uh, I don't
know, it's, uh...

I, you know, I get, I
get around a lot, but...

this is, this is weird.

You know, like,
filling out a card

and putting it in a computer

and having a computer
fix me up with a girl.

Mr. Feinstein,

where have you been
the last few years?

Computer dating has been
accepted all over the world.

Excuse me for being personal,

but where do you
usually meet girls?

Oh, uh, bar, uh, bowling,

I met one great chick
at the roller derby.

She was, uh...

And nothing really
happened with them, did it?

Well, it depends
on what you mean.

I mean there was no
lasting relationship.

Well, uh, no, otherwise
I wouldn't be here.

Right.

That's because you
had nothing in common

with those other girls. Mmm.

Now this is scientific.

You put down all the
special things about yourself,

your likes, your dislikes,

and we feed the
information to the computer.

Then the computer finds
someone just right for you.

Well, what if it
doesn't work out?

Then we find someone
else just right for you.

We'll find a mate for you,

Mr. Feinstein, if it
takes us 20 years.

In 20 years, I
probably won't care.

Don't you worry now.

Oh, 45961,

what can we do for you?

Oh, well,

I was just in the neighborhood,

and I thought I'd stop by.

Has the computer
found anyone for me yet?

I'm sorry, we're
still working on it.

But the right card hasn't
come up for you yet.

Oh, gee, I was hoping there
might be somebody for tonight.

I don't have
anything to do at all.

Uh, listen...

I'm sorry.

As soon as something
comes up, we'll call you.

Yes, well, I guess I'll
just go to another movie...

alone.

You'll probably be hearing

from us very soon.

Hey, listen, she wasn't doing
anything tonight, and I'm free!

Why couldn't you...

You're going to
have a date tonight.

As soon as the computer
finds the proper match for you,

the information
card will come up

and you'll be on your way.

Yeah, but that 496...

45961?

Not right for you at all.

But she was beautiful!

Mr. Feinstein, what
does that mean?

You might have
fun for one night,

but after that, nothing.

So what? Please!

Let me blow one night, huh?

No, no.

Oh,

here it comes now.

Here it is, 64297,
Frances Adams.

Frances.

Frances Adams.

Well, that's a nice name.

It certainly is.

She'll pick you
up at 7:00 tonight.

What? She's going to pick me up?

That's what the card says.

Why?

I mean, isn't it usual for
the guy to pick the girl up?

Mr. Feinstein, the computer
decides these things,

and it knows what it's doing.

Oh, here's the reason.

You like to cook,
she likes to drive.

Yeah, so?

Well, don't you see?

It all works out beautifully.

You cook a nice
dinner at your place

and she'll drive over.

Oh.

Oh...

Hey, that computer is
pretty slick with that, huh?

It's way ahead
of us, believe me.

Hey, well, well, uh,
do I get that card?

You certainly do.

That way you know just
everything there is to know

about Miss Adams.

Ah, come here,
you little doll you.

You know, Mr. Feinstein,

I've been in this
business so long,

I can tell by the way the
holes are punched in the card,

what kind of person they are.

Just looking at her holes,

I'd say you've got a dreamboat.

Yeah.

Wow.

Just a minute!

Oh, yeah?

Uh, can I help you?

I'm looking for
Marian Feinstein.

Yeah, I'm Marion Feinstein.

No, no, I'm looking for
Marian Feinstein, the girl.

Well, Marion's
also a man's name.

Look, buddy, I'm expecting
someone any minute.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Computer Mate sent me.

They said I was to pick up a
Marian Feinstein here at 7:00.

You're from Computer Mate?

But they told me that she
was going to come here.

I mean, I, I cooked
dinner and everything.

Who's supposed to come here?

Frances Adams.

I'm Francis Adams.

Frances Adams is a girl.

Francis is also a man's name.

I'm Francis Adams
and I'm no girl.

You're Francis Adams?

And you're Marion
Feinstein? I mean...

You're my date?
You're my date? I can't...

I wrote down on the form

that I was an "M"
and I wanted an "F."

You're no "F".

What do you think I put down?

You're no "F" either, you know.

Are you putting me on?

Is this a put-on?

Am I on Candid
Camera or something?

Do you have your identification?

Yeah. I got it right here.

Where's yours?

64297?

That's me.

64398.

That's me.

I blew ten bucks for you.

Ten bucks? I blew 100 bucks.

$100? Yeah. 100 bucks.

For 100 bucks, they
give you a mate for life.

You are my mate for life.

I am going to spend
the rest of my life

with you.

Good evening, Mr. Feinstein.

Tonight's the big night,
hmm? No. It's tomorrow night.

Your computer date.
Tomorrow night, Mrs. Kane.

Oh, I thought it was
tonight. No. Tomorrow night.

Well, good luck tomorrow night.

I hope you find who
you're looking for.

Thanks, Mrs. K.

Well, bye now.

Good night, Mrs. K.

Get in here, will you?

I don't believe this.

I mean, I just
don't believe this.

This is absurd!

I'm not too choked up
about the whole thing myself.

Look. I mean, look at
all the work I went to.

I cooked dinner here in the
house because you like to drive.

I fixed up the apartment.

I even had a
cleaning lady come in.

I should have told
her to stick around.

What are you squawking
about? Look at me.

I went out and
bought a new suit.

I even got a manicure.

And these set me back $6.50.

What's this?

They're flowers for you.

Thanks. What are they?

What are they?
They're cymbidiums.

You wrote down you loved them.

I don't know from flowers.

The only reason I put that down

was because it was in a
crossword puzzle that morning.

Crossword puzzle?

You don't know
about those flowers?

They're out of season.

Took me a whole
day to find them.

I went to an awful
lot of trouble for you.

I memorized every
lousy thing on your chart.

I even know your favorite color.

Brown.

Yeah, and I don't even
look good in brown.

Aw, come on. You look fine.

Oh, this whole thing stinks.

I went out and bought a
bottle of champagne, too.

I like champagne.

I know. You wrote it
down. I got a magnum.

I thought maybe later we
could go back to my apartment.

I'd try to get you a
little loaded and...

Just like that, huh?

Right up to the apartment.

You thought I was
that kind of a girl?

Well, you wrote down
that you were a swinger.

Well, not exactly a swinger.

I put down on the
scale that I was a seven.

Me, too.

Want to know something?

I was going to put
down that I was a ten.

Ten?

Yeah, yeah, but I was afraid

I was going to scare
you... scare her away.

I'm, uh... really a four.

No kidding?

Well, I'm a four also.

Yeah, but you said...

I know I put down seven.

It's just that, well, I...

I didn't like the way they
described the four, that's all.

Yeah. Neither did I.

But there's nothing
wrong with being a four.

I bet there are hundreds
of guys walking around

saying that they're eights.

Or nines. Or tens.

And they're fours.

Well, I'm a four,
and I admit it.

Yeah, sure. I'm a
four, and that's that.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Don't get me
wrong. I date chicks.

I dig chicks and they dig me.

Well, I dig chicks
and they dig me, too.

Geez! There was
a chick this morning

at the computer place.

I mean, fantastic.

But she wasn't right for me.

Get this: you were.

What are you crying about?

The dame at the bank, she's
been after me for three months.

Today, she invited me to
go to a swinging party tonight.

You know what I had
to say? Pass. Not me.

I got a hot date with
Marion Feinstein.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

You are a secretary
at the bank, huh?

I'm secretary
treasurer at the bank.

Yeah, well, on your
form it says secretary.

All right, so they
made a mistake.

Yeah, well, that ain't the
only mistake they made.

Those lousy computers.

They can put a man on the moon,

but they get me
a date with a guy.

With my luck, this
always happens to me.

It does?

Yeah, it does.

Well, not exactly like this.

Yeah, well, it's your
own fault anyway.

With a name like Frances...

Oh, you don't think
Marion ain't freaky?

I know, I know, but I thought

it was all over
with this name jazz

when I got out of the Army.

Oh, the Army. Don't
remind me of that nightmare.

Yeah, you know what
they used to call me? What?

Miss Marion, Combat Wac.

Me, I was Frances
with the tight pantses.

Why not use a middle name?

Leslie?

That's out.

Mine's Elmer.

I'd give my right
arm to be an Elmer.

What did you nickname yourself?

Butch.

Butch. I like that.

Me, I was Rocky.

I knew it sounded
kind of strange

when you put down that your
favorite sport was handball.

Well, what about yours?

Weightlifting.

Yeah, and your shoe
size: ten and a half wide.

You put down your
weight... 186 pounds.

I thought it was a
typographical error.

God, I was looking forward
so much to this evening, too.

I, I just kept thinking all day
about, like, what you look like.

I, I pictured you tall with
a swell figure and, uh...

On your form,

under personal appearance
you wrote down "excellent."

Well, you wrote
down "above average."

So?

Oh, forget it, forget
the whole thing.

Hey, wait, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Listen, uh, I've been thinking.

I-I-I made this pot of chili,

your favorite food.

Yeah?

Well, I can't eat it all myself

and I don't know what you
were gonna do for dinner.

You don't know what I
was going to do for dinner?

I was going to have
dinner with you, you...

Yeah, so, I...

Wait a second,
something's burning.

Hold on.

Hello, Diane?

This is Rocky.

I feel lousy.

You busy tonight?

No, no, I'd like to see you.

Oh, you are busy, huh?

Well, I'll talk to you
in a day or so then.

Yeah, right.

Who you talking to?

Just an old buddy.

You were calling some chick.

No, like I said,

it was a buddy of mine.

Don't hand me that.

You were trying
to get another date.

You were calling a chick.

All right, all right, so what?

That's great. You
stink, you know that?

What are you all
steamed up about?

Well, I just thought you were
going to at least stay for dinner.

There are a few things you
didn't mention on your card,

like inconsiderate,
rude and tactless.

All right, I'm sorry.

I apologize.

Forget it, man.

Do whatever you think is right.

The whole thing
is a drag anyway.

Just don't call any other
chicks from my phone, that's all.

Oh, you got a real temper there.

You didn't put that
down on your card.

Yeah, don't worry about my
temper. You ain't going to see it again.

Oh, this whole thing is bringing
me down and I'm starving.

I'm going to split.

Hey, wait a second,
wait, wait, will you?

Look, I'm sorry I
got hot with you.

Why don't you stay and eat here?

I got this pot of chili.

And I love chili, too.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Come on, you want a bowl?

You sure you got enough?

Enough, that's for two.

Hey, this is great.

Thanks.

You know what I
made for dessert?

No, what?

Spumoni.

Hey, that's my favorite.

I know.

It's not everybody that likes
chili and spumoni together.

Thanks a lot.

Not at all.

I had most of the stuff
around the house anyway.

It was real nice of
you to do all of this.

You're a nice guy, Butch.

By the way, what
are you doing tonight?

What?

No, what I meant was, I
got a couple of ringside seats

to the Benson-Rizzo
fight at the Garden.

Oh, no kidding?

And you were going
to take me to the fights?

Well, you put down on your
card you like contact sports.

Well, I thought that
was a little weird, but...

You know, that's, that's
darn thoughtful of you.

I wouldn't want you to miss it,

and besides, you're
the only chick...

the only guy I could get at
this late hour to go with me.

So here.

Yeah, sure, I'll pay you for it.

No, don't pay me for it.

No, no, no, we'll
go Dutch treat.

You went to all
this trouble to cook.

Will you please take the ticket?

Go on.

All right, all right, all right.

But look, after the fights, I'm
going to take you to the Purple Plum.

We're going to have a
couple of drinks. I'm paying.

And, uh, who knows, they
got a lot of groovy chicks there.

Maybe we'll get lucky.

What kind of chicks?

You name it,
fours, sixes, sevens

and there's one chick
I know is a ten. Yeah?

Yeah, but she's
usually gone by 9:00.

So we get a couple
of sixes or eights.

That wouldn't be bad for a
couple of fours, you know that?

You're right.

It's a date. It's a date.

Hey, this is great.

Are you crazy?

You can't do that.

This is a bus stop!

Well, Mom, now I tell you,
he's been so busy, dear.

He hasn't even had time
to see his own mother.

I promise.

The minute we get a second,

you'll be the first
mother we see, okay?

Oh, listen, Mom, I just
heard the garage door slam.

It must be Harry.

Can I call you back?

I promise. Yeah, right back.

Okay, dear, bye-bye.

Honey, is that you?

Hi, honey. Hi.

Mr. Crakour call yet?

Oh, no, he didn't, dear.

You know, I was
just talking to Mother.

Oh, now, honey.

Why do you tie up
the telephone line?

You know Mr. Crakour calls
every night about this time.

There he is now.

Hello.

Yes, Mr. Crakour.

I just came in the door.

Well, I got a little
tied up in traffic.

Yes, I was thinking about the
very same thing driving home.

Honey, would you
make me a martini?

This is going to take a while.

Yes, sir.

I have those facts
right with me, sir.

Just hold on a second here.

And I will have them for you.

Let's see, Ackman, Cunningham,
Dunston, here it is, Meisner.

Oh, the roast is ready.

No, sir, you're
a little off on that.

I've got 17 gross with
those CL splitter couplers.

Right.

And that's six dozen
high-gain U-type capacitors.

Uh-huh.

Honey, where's the martini?

Yes, sir.

Never mind, I'll make it myself.

Right, Mr...

Well, I don't know where
the foul up came, sir,

but I'll check on it right away.

Right.

And I'll check on
that Belmont deal, too.

Oh, no, sir.

You can call any time
tonight. We'll be home.

No, no, she doesn't mind at all.

She's great about
that. Great little woman.

Well, thank you, sir.

That's very flattering.

Right.

That's very flattering, sir.

Thank you.

Okay, good-bye.

Phew.

Boy, honey, I am starved.

Anything to eat?

But, darling, we're going to
have dinner in just one second.

Hello... Oh, yes, Mr. Crakour.

Well, sir, I don't
care what Kenny said.

Well, sir, if you pardon
me for saying so,

I don't think he knows
what he's talking about.

Oh, bologna.

Oh, I didn't mean that
for you, Mr. Crakour.

I was just having a
piece of bologna, here.

Mm-hmm.

Right, sir.

What's that?

Montreal?

Well, uh, sure, I think
that can be arranged.

Of course it means I have a
lot of work to do before Friday.

Well, you can count
on me, Mr. Crakour.

Right, 11:30 plane.

Okay, sir, very good.

Bye.

All right, sweetheart,
now the dinner is all ready.

Honey, where's my black coat?

You know, it might
be cold in Montreal.

Oh, I remember,
it's in the closet.

Harry, can't you look
for that later, please?

Oh, here it is.

Honey, you better send
this out to the cleaners,

and have him put a
rush job on it, huh?

Harry, the dinner
is going to get cold.

Honey, look, I don't
have time to eat now.

I've got to get these reports
out if I'm going to Montreal.

Honey!

Look, don't worry about me.

You just go ahead and eat, huh?

I've got to get this
report going right now.

Um...

And, Edna, listen, you may
have to do a little overtime tonight.

Edna?

Edna?

I'm not Edna!
Edna's your secretary!

I'm your wife, Pamela.

That's right...
I'm sorry, honey.

But look, I've got to get
these reports out before Friday.

Anyway, Agnes,
it's just terrible.

Harry is spending so
much time at his job,

he just doesn't seem
to have any time for me.

Well, I don't think
that's so bad.

How would you like
to be married to Bob?

He's home all the time
making those artificial flowers.

But there's a limit, you know?

Really, if he doesn't slow
down at his work soon,

I honestly think it's going to
be the breakup of our marriage.

What did you do?

I just cut my finger.

Let me see. Oh, it's all right.

Come on, come on, let me see.

Oh, that is a two
or three stitch job.

I am taking you to the clinic.

Oh, Agnes, don't be
silly. I can't go to a clinic...

I mean, Harry's going to be
home... Don't worry about Harry.

I'll call Bob from the clinic

and tell him to tell Harry
when he gets home.

Now let's go.

Hi, hon, I'm home.

Did Crakour call yet?

There he is.

Yes, Mr. Crakour.

No, sir, I haven't had time.

I just got in.

Oh, you want the production
meeting tomorrow morning?

Well, what about those
Piedmont specifications?

Oh, sure, I could, I
could work tonight.

Oh, no, we didn't
have anything planned.

Okay, fine.

You'll get me those figures
and you'll call me right back?

Very good, sir.

All right, good-bye.

Pam, would you
make me a martini?

It's going to be a
rough night ahead.

You better make it a double.

Let's see, retail suppliers,
jobbers, wholesale...

Hey, honey, where's the martini?

Never mind, I'll make it myself.

Let's see, I'll start
out with the plastics

and then we'll go to
the wholesale retailers.

No, no, I better
take the plastics first,

then the machine shop.

Those guys never keep
their records straight anyway.

Hey, Pam, I made you a martini.

It's on the bar.

That's it, we'll do
the plastics first

and then the machine shoppers.

They never keep...

Hey, honey, I think
something is burning.

It's okay, I caught it.

Hey, I think it's done.

Hey, honey, I'm going
to grab a bite to eat now

if it's okay with you.

That way I won't
have to stop later.

All right?

Pam, the door.

Never mind, I'll get it.

Coming. Coming.

Hi, ya, Bob. Come on in.

Hi, Harry.

Look, Harry, I just came over
to tell you so you won't worry.

Agnes just called. Pam's
fine. They'll be right back.

Oh, good, good.

Pam is fine?

They'll be right back?

Yeah, see, she cut
her finger cooking,

and, uh, but it only
took four stitches,

and they're on the way
home from the clinic right now.

Wait a minute, what are
you talking about, clinic?

Stitches?

Pam's right here. She is?

Well, I've been talking to
her for the past 20 minutes.

You have?

Well, where is she?

She's probably in the bedroom.

Pam.

Pam?

Pam?!

She...

She's not here.

That's what I've
been trying to tell you.

Where is she? What happened?

I told you, she cut her
finger, they went to the clinic.

It only took four stitches,
and she'll be right back.

Are you sure she's all right?

I'm positive she's all right.

How long you been home?

About 20 minutes.

And you didn't even
know she wasn't here?

No.

Boy.

Look, Bob...

buddy...

pal.

Now look, you got to promise me

that you'll never
mention this to Pam ever.

No, but you know, there
is something kind of weird

about all of this.

I mean, you talking to
your wife for 20 minutes

and she's not even home?

Yeah, boy, you're right.

Weird. I don't know.

I've been acting like
some kind of a nut lately,

about my work.

I ought to have
my head examined.

It's too much.

I mean, I really didn't
know that she was gone.

Here she is now, Mac the Knife.

Sweetheart!

Are you all right, sweetheart?

Of course, darling, of course.

Did Bob tell you?

Yeah, he did.

Oh, Harry, you would
have been so proud of her.

She filled out three
long forms and a check

before they'd
look at her finger.

And she never complained once.

Oh, honey, it
was nothing at all.

It really wasn't.
Anyway, I learned

a great new recipe for stew.

You take four potatoes,

two carrots and one finger.

Look, we've got to run along.

Come on, honey.
We'll see you later.

Thank you. So long.

And take care of that finger.

Yeah, I will. Okay.
Thanks again.

Bye now. Bye.

Are you sure you're
all right, honey?

Oh, sure.

Honestly, I'm so embarrassed.

I never did anything
so ridiculous in my life.

I've never done anything
so ridiculous either.

What do you mean?

Look, never mind.

How would you like to
go out to dinner tonight,

just the two of us?

Oh, honey, do you mean it?

You know, that little
place in the Village

we used to go to?

Oh, the one with
the stale breadsticks,

soggy spaghetti?

And those dark booths

where a man can kiss his wife.

Oh, honey, I'd love it.

Come on.

That's Mr. Crakour.

Forget about him.

He knows where he can find me.

At my desk, from 9:00 to 5:00.

But never on Sunday.

Oh, Harry, I love you.

Come on, baby.

Will you marry me?

No, Garth. I like you,

but I just can't see us

spending our
whole life together.

Can you see a
weekend in Las Vegas?

Whoa! Aggie, I thought
you were asleep!

Didn't you know

newlyweds are not
supposed to sleep?

Oh, we've been
married a month now.

Besides, it's almost midnight.

But I took a nap this afternoon

so I'd be wide awake now.

I don't have my shoes off.

If you loved me,
you'd wear loafers.

Wow, I feel like an insect

that has fallen into the
hands of a praying mantis,

but I love it.

Mrs. Hennessy's apartment.

She probably has a
gentleman friend up there.

Sounds like a gentleman
from the roller derby.

Ow!

Guess I better go
see what's happening.

Just, just sit down here.

Wha-what happened?

Oh, what happened?
What happened?!

There was this noise.

I went out to investigate.

And right, right in the
middle of my living room

is a man with a flashlight.

Well, I said, "What are
you doing with a flashlight

when the light
switch is over there?"

With that, he
took the flashlight

and hit me right over the head.

Oh!

He's not a very nice man.

Are you all right?

Oh, I'm fine,

fine.

You know, he took a
bottle of my Irish whisky,

and my four-leaf clover broach,

and my mazusa which
protects me from thieves.

Your mazusa? Oh, yes,

in this neighborhood,
I take no chances.

Oh!

Oh, wow, you've got
some bump back there.

You know something? I've had it.

There's just too much
going on around here.

Now, the Murphys
were robbed last week,

the Kowalskis the week before,

and Mr. Gonzalez was
beaten up right in his own bed.

Oh, well, that doesn't count.

Turned out to be Mrs. Gonzalez.

Well, I don't care.

I'm very concerned.

You know what, Aggie?
I have made up my mind.

We're moving out of
this three-penny opera.

Oh.

I don't want to move.

This is our love nest.

Our first apartment
since we were remarried,

after our divorce.

Well, I don't want to get mugged

in my love nest.

Almost everybody
in the building,

they've either been
robbed or attacked.

I don't want to wait until
they get around to us.

But I'm not afraid of burglars.

They're just people.

Janie Palmer surprised a
burglar in her place once.

She just talked to him, and
they became good friends.

As a matter of fact,

they were going to get married,

except he gave her a hot ring.

We're going to move.

Oh, Gary.

Well, all right,
you sleep on it.

Maybe you'll feel
different in the morning.

That's it, we're going to move.

What?

I've slept on it,
that's my decision.

We're getting out.

But...

You're my only wife
and I love you very much,

and I don't want you
maimed, mutilated

or spindled in any way.

But... No buts.

Don't forget now,

that's your project for the day,

find us a nice, roomy apartment

in a good neighborhood,
but not over $165 a month.

Okay.

What should I do
the rest of the day?

Hey, if you'd come home nights,
you could attack me yourself,

instead of waiting
for strangers to do it!

Hi, Aggie.

Mm...

Hey, you know, I figured it out.

The best part of the day
is when you come home.

Yeah.

Hey, did you find
us an apartment?

Well, actually, no.

Actually, I found
something better.

Really? What's better?

Well, I found somebody
to stay here with me

and keep me company so
I won't be alone anymore.

Hi!

Hi.

Mrs. Hennessy is
going to live with us?

No.

What is that thing?

It's a Lhasa Apso from Tibet.

A Lhasa what?

A Lhasa Apso, that's the breed.

They make great watchdogs.

A watchdog?

This is a watchdog?

This is a dog?

Doesn't he feel nice
and cuddly in your arms?

It was Mrs. Hennessy's idea.

I was on my way out
to look for apartments

and met her on the stairs,
and she said, "Why move?

Get a dog instead."

Where's the key?

You wind him up, right?

Oh, don't let

the size fool you.

In Tibet, he's known
as the "little lion."

Why he guards the
palace of the king!

And if any thieves try to get
in, he frightens them away.

How? By faking a heart attack?

So, we went to a pet store
and we found Puff-Puff.

Puff-Puff?

A watchdog named Puff-Puff?

Excuse me.

Puff-Puff, kill!

That's, uh, that's terrific.

Really.

What'd you pay for this thing?

Oh, only $100.

I gave her the money, Gary.

You can pay it back
whenever you like.

I don't like. Aggie!

Please, I don't want to move.

She likes it here
for some reason.

All right, all right, look.

I'm not saying
that getting a dog

is a bad idea.

A dog might be
okay, but a real dog;

a German shepherd or a Doberman.

This thing can't protect you.

There are rats in the building

bigger than he is!

Look at him now.

He ran down.

The man in the
store wound him up

and now his spring
is all run down.

He's tired.

But let a stranger
come in that door

and he'll be up
growling and barking.

I came in that door.

I am a perfect stranger to him

and he just laid there!

Harry, they have a sense

about things like that.

He knew you belonged here.

Oh, Aggie, come on, now.

It was just a silly mistake.

Will you admit it?!

Uh, I better be leaving.

Wait a minute.

How come you always
leave when it looks like

Aggie and I are going to fight?

Why, it's nothing
like that at all.

I just have to be leaving.

I have some very
important shopping to do.

I have to buy a new
insert for my wallet.

Good-bye.

Bye, Mrs. Hennessy.

Isn't that funny?

She thinks you're
really angry with me.

Yeah.

Uh-oh, he has to go out.

What?

He's telling us he
has to go outside.

You see, he's
perfectly housebroken.

Once, maybe twice a
day, he has to go outside.

And he lets us know by crying.

For $100, he ought
to write us a note.

We'll be back in a little while.

Now wait a minute.

You can't leave now.

We're having an argument.

Come with us.

We'll fight in the park.

There's something
wrong with that dog.

I mean, he's passed three
hydrants without stopping.

Maybe they don't
have them in Tibet.

No, it's strange surroundings.

You would be the same way.

Oh, no, I wouldn't.

You see, no matter
how strange it was,

it wouldn't keep me from
going to the bathroom.

Bless you.

He's got a cold?

Oh, no, no, no, it's hay fever.

Hay fever?

Yes, you see, that's why
we got him for only $100.

Oh, he's really a much
more expensive dog.

But he was reduced because he...

Because he's got hay fever.

Perfect.

Oh, Aggie, I've got to
be in court in the morning.

What are you doing here?

Aggie.

Aggie...

What is it?

Puff-Puff is crying.

So take him out.

But it's the
middle of the night.

But it's your turn.

No, it isn't.

I took him out
right after the news.

But I took him out after
Frankenstein Met the Wolfman.

But I've got to...

All right.

This is it, understand?

Tomorrow, we get rid of the dog.

Either he goes, or I go.

Well, right now, he has to go.

What a great dog.

Hay fever. Ooh, ooh,
that's a good dog.

And indecision.

I should have my head
examined for keeping you this long.

Come on, I'm going
to go have a drink.

You just stay out here
and make up your mind.

Make a decision.

All right, let's go home.

You've got from here
to the house and that's it.

You open your yap when we
get upstairs and you've had it.

Hey, buddy.

Buddy. Excuse me?

I'm on my way to AA.

Don't you think you
ought to come with me?

Why?

He's gone.

Puff-Puff.

Puff-Puff.

Puff-Puff!

Puff-Puff?

Puff-Puff! Puff-Puff!

Puff-Puff gone?! Oh, no!

Aggie, now where do
you think you're going?

I'm going out to look for him.

Aggie, don't be ridiculous.

You can't go running
around the streets at night.

Besides, I already looked for
him all over the neighborhood.

He's got a tag on his
collar with our address

and our phone number.

Somebody will
find him and call us.

There, you see, somebody
already found him.

Hello?

Yes, yes, it is.

Oh, you've got him?

Good. They found him?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Well, when are they
going to bring him back?

As soon as we give them $250.

$250 reward?

No, ransom.

Puff-Puff has been kidnapped.

Kidnapped? Oh, no.

Oh, yes. What are you doing?

I'm going to call the police.

You can't call the cops. A
kidnapper doesn't want cops.

Well, how do you
know? He didn't say

he didn't want the police.

Gary, don't be naive.

Don't you know what happens

when you call the
cops in a kidnapping?

They kill the child!

What child?

I mean the dog.

Oh, Aggie, you're
just being hysterical.

I'm only going to
notify the police.

Gary, put down that phone.

Aggie, I've got

to notify the police.

I mean, it's my legal duty.

A felony has been committed.

At least I think it's a felony.

Maybe it's just a misdemeanor.

Let's see, section 210

of the penal code.

How can you think
of that legal nonsense

when Puff-Puff's
life is at stake?

Oh, Gary, you're
so establishment.

You don't even care
what happens to him.

Actually, you hated
him, didn't you?

Who?

Puff-Puff.

You were jealous of him

because of the
affection I gave to him.

Oh, now, that's not true.

Of course he got
better food than I did,

and he had a softer
bed, but I didn't hate him.

Gary, there's only
one thing that counts

and that's getting
Puff-Puff back alive.

Now you have just got
to let me do it my way.

Okay.

What is your way?

Well, the kidnapper is sure
to call back with instructions

as to where and when to
give him the money, right?

Right, so what's your plan?

I am going to do exactly
as the kidnapper says.

Oh, that's clever.
That's a great plan.

Why didn't I think of that?

Because you
don't love Puff-Puff.

You're right, that's
why I didn't think of it.

Okay, honey, it's
your ball game.

Well, I think I'll go to bed.

You coming?

I can't sleep.

I'm going to sit
here for a while.

And work on your plan, huh?

Good, well, you iron
out the fine points.

Good night, Gary.

Good night.

I wish that man
would call already.

Yeah.

I hope you don't mind my
having a drink down here.

I just happened to run
out of ice and scotch.

No, don't be silly.

May I make you one?

No, thanks.

The last time you made
me one of your drinks,

my lips started to peel.

Funny, funny.

What time will Gary be back?

Oh, he's in court until 4:00.

A whiplash is more
important to him than Puff-Puff.

Oh, Aggie.

There he is.

There he is.

Shall I get it?

No. No, no.

Hello?

Hello, is this Mrs. Holmes?

Yes, it is.

Well, I've got a deal here

I think you'll be interested in.

Yes, yes, I know.

And I'm completely agreeable
to anything you suggest.

You are?

Hey, that's great.

Yes, now, how do
you want the money?

In a brown paper bag?

Well, I guess that's all right.

Usually I just take a check.

A check?

Okay, a check for

$250.

Huh? $250?

I was only going
to ask for $8.00.

Eight? $8.00?

Are you joking with me?

You have Puff-Puff, don't you?

Well, no, I don't handle
any of them girlie magazines.

All I've got is Look, Life
and Field and Stream.

Will you please
get off the phone?

I am expecting a
call from a kidnapper.

Oh, well, can I call tomorrow?

He's selling magazines.

Oh.

Hello?

I'll say this once
and only once.

Take the money and put
it in a brown paper bag.

This is him, this is
him, the real kidnapper.

Yes, yes, I understand.

And go to the freight
yards in Queens.

There's a string of six
boxcars on the siding.

Put the money into the first
car and wait in the last one.

Midnight tonight, and no cops.

Well, sure, of course not.

I knew you wouldn't want
cops. My husband wanted

to call them, but
I wouldn't let him.

I told him you
wouldn't want cops.

You were right.

Your husband was wrong.

I knew it.

He's so establishment.

All right, we'll be there.

But how is Puff-Puff?

Is he all right?

Don't worry, he's fine.

Sneezed a couple of times.

Maybe he's got a little cold.

Oh, no, no, no,
that's hay fever.

Um, is there ragweed
where you are?

Never mind where I am, lady.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have asked that.

Oh, wait a second, one second.

Don't hang up.

Could you hold
Puff-Puff up to the phone,

so I could hear him
and know he's all right?

Aww...

Yeah, I guess so.

Here. Here he is.

Oh, oh, Mr. Kidnapper.

Yeah?

He's crying.

That means he has to go out.

I know, I know.

Listen, midnight
tonight, please.

Hi, Mrs. Hennessy.
Have you seen Aggie?

Oh? When was that?

Uh, never mind, she's home.

Hi, hon, where you been?

Downtown.

At this hour?

I mean, where's dinner?
Nothing's cooking.

How can you think about dinner?

Well, I always think
about dinner at 6:00.

You didn't even ask
who called today.

My brother?

No, not your brother.

Who then?

You know, you amaze me.

You really amaze me.

You can think about dinner,
but you don't even ask.

About what?

About Puff-Puff.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

What happened?

Well, he called.

Who, Puff-Puff?

No, the kidnapper.

What's this?

Tuna fish.

Tuna fish for dinner?

Well, I didn't have
time to cook anything.

You know, I don't
understand you.

You wouldn't even
have thought of Puff-Puff,

if I hadn't... That's not
true. I did think of him.

The minute I walked
in the door, I realized

I didn't have to watch
where I stepped.

That's right,

talk about him when he's gone.

Honey, I'm sorry.
I had a rough day.

Hey, uh, you know,
you didn't even ask me

how my case went in court.

What case?

My whiplash case. We won it.

We had a witness
who saw the victim

judging a tennis
match last Saturday.

No honest whiplash victim
can judge a tennis match.

Impossible.

What did he say?

The dog-napper.

He wants $250 in
a brown paper bag.

Oh, really?

Well, he's not going to get it.

He can have the
paper bag and that's it.

He'll kill the dog.

Oh, baloney.

We are in the driver's seat.

He's stuck with a lemon.

Give him a week with that dog

and he'll be calling us,

begging us to take him back.

And what if he doesn't?

He'll pay us, mark my words.

What did you do this afternoon?

I went to get the money.

How'd you do that?

I had to hock something.

What did you hock?

Your tripod and light meter.

My tripod and light meter?

Now how am I
supposed to take pictures

without my tripod
and light meter?

You can't, I hocked
your camera, too.

Oh, no!

Listen, will you
get this straight.

I am not giving the guy $250.

Well, I am, whether
you come with me or not.

Oh, no, what do you
mean come with you?

Where, when, how?

To the railroad yards in Queens

tonight at midnight.

The railroad yards in
Queens at midnight, huh?

That settles it.

What, who are you calling?

The police. This
is a police matter.

I am not meeting a kidnapper

at the railroad
yards at midnight.

You're chicken.
Right, I'm chicken.

And when's the last
time you saw a chicken

at the railroad
yards at midnight?

Hello, Officer.

This is Gary Holmes.
I'd like to report a...

1732 Vincent Street.

I'd like to report
a dog napping.

There we go.

Honey, it's cold
and dark in here.

Yeah, let's get
away from the door.

Come on, sit down here.

Do you think the
police are out there?

Yes, I think the
police are out there

in their nice, warm,
squad cars, relaxing.

You know, I was wrong.

I should have let you
call them right away.

No, honey, I was the
one that was wrong.

I didn't know the police

were going to make
me come out here.

I hope it works and
we get our dog back.

Are you kidding?

He's got a perfect chance
to get rid of that dog.

He's not going to muff it.

It's cold, will you put
your arms around me?

Yeah.

Boy, I wish we'd
called the police earlier.

Why?

Well, we could have
met the kidnapper,

you know, during the
daytime, when it was warm.

Gary? Huh?

Can I get inside your coat?

Yeah.

Here.

Oh, hey, that's better.

Good.

Whoo.

Hey, Gary?

Huh?

You remember that
movie, that French movie,

with Annabelle
and... John Wayne?

John Wayne was
never in a French movie.

Well, whoever it was,

he was in this boxcar
and there was this boy.

I mean, he thought it was a boy,

but it was actually a
girl in boy's clothes.

And then they fight and
he finds out it's a girl.

Oh, yeah, and the
Nazis bomb the train

and they all got blown up.

Not that part. Before that.

You remember they
made love in the boxcar?

Aggie.

Come on, now, the
police are out there

looking for a kidnapper.

Gary. No, Aggie.

Would you folks
mind keeping it down?

You're going to get us
all tossed out of here.

There's Puff-Puff. Puff-Puff!

Oh, darling, oh, I
missed you so much.

Hey, listen, no dogs.

I hate dogs.

They're dirty and smelly.

See, Aggie, everything
worked out just fine.

You got your dog
back safe and sound.

We don't have to move
out of our apartment,

and the police
will get that guy.

If you'd just let
me handle things...

What was that?

Somebody closed the door.

It's locked, I can't open it.

Gary, we're moving.

We're pulling out.
Where are we going?

What are you worried about?

I've got to go all the
way to Philadelphia

cooped up with that dog.

Philadelphia?!

That's right, Philadelphia.

Hey, lady, the dog's crying.

I know.

He wants to go out.

There is no out.

Tell him he has to wait

until we get to Philadelphia.

Look, Scarlet, I know
you're all wrapped up

in this Blacks from Africa thing

and the natural look,

however, I love you and
I want you to be my wife.

Hey, let's take a little swim.

I don't have a bathing suit.

It's okay.

What difference does it make?

Okay.