Original subtitles

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

three separate views of love, American style:

a marriage a young husband couldn't talk about

and his wife didn't know about;

a couple who proved to be half of what they seemed;

and our first story

about a guide for married life called:

♪ ♪

Uh-oh.

I wanted to be home before you.

That makes two of us.

I wanted you to be home before me, too.

Sorry, darling, but my class was late.

Hey, what did you have for lunch?

I didn't have any lunch.

What's that taste?

Anchovies and teething biscuits.

Yech.

Oddly enough, as bad as the combination sounds,

it tastes even worse.

You know, honey, when a man comes home

from a hard day's work,

his dinner's supposed to be ready.

I'm always a little late on Tuesdays because of my class.

Now you know that. Mm-hmm.

Why'd you miss lunch today anyway?

I'm on a diet.

Why did you go on a diet?

One of the secretaries at work happened to comment.

Uh, don't you have any potato chips?

Yeah, in that bag.

So you missed lunch,

then you eat anchovies and teething biscuits,

and now potato chips. Uh-huh.

What kind of diet is that?

A very weird one.

It's better than the one Frank Peters is on.

He drinks that liquid diet stuff every day.

What's wrong with that?

Has 11 cans of it for lunch.

Hey, uh, where's Stevie?

Whoops.

What do you mean, "Whoops"?

When I ask where my son is,

I want a better answer than "Whoops."

I forgot all about him.

Where'd you leave him?

In a basket at the supermarket?

No, he's at Mother's.

The babysitter was late showing up

and I had to run off to class,

so I dropped him off over there.

Say, why don't I call her

and see if she'll mind keeping him overnight?

What do you mean "overnight"?

Well, if I drop everything and drive over there now,

you won't get your dinner for at least

an hour and a half. Mm-hmm.

And if we wait till after dinner,

he'll be asleep by then,

and it'd be a shame to wake him up.

No, he'll be fine.

She loves having him.

She feeds him prune juice.

I think she's conducting an experiment

to see how much a four-year-old can hold

in the way of prune juice.

You're being silly.

He's going to get wrinkles.

Oh, he's going to be delighted

to hear that he can spend the night there.

Well, what about me?

Do you want to spend the night there, too?

Don't I count around here anymore?

I mean, is it so much for me to ask to see my son?

I want to see my son.

I also want my dinner.

I'm sorry, darling.

It's just because of that doggone class

that everything got fouled up.

Why do you have to go to class for anyway?

I mean, don't you have enough to do around here

without going to class?

I am just trying to improve myself.

What kind of course are you taking?

Well, I told you about it a couple of weeks ago

when I enrolled. I don't remember.

I'd like to know what course is preventing me

from getting my dinner on time

and seeing my son when I want him.

It's just, uh...

Try that again.

It's called "Making Your Marriage Work."

Whatever made you pick a course like that?

Oh, I don't know.

Alice and I went over to sign up for that class

in African Cookery, but it was all filled up.

So we figured, as long as we were there,

we might as well sign up for something.

How's Alice's marriage since she enrolled?

Len ask for a divorce yet?

She didn't take "Making Your Marriage Work."

What'd she take?

Bookbinding.

Now see, honey, there's something useful.

Bookbinding. I got a lot of old Playboys

that are laying around here; you could've bound them for me.

Honey, we've been married for seven years,

a marriage that's worked fine without you taking any courses.

What's that supposed to mean?

I didn't say anything.

It was the way you didn't say anything.

Well, you just can't be too careful, that's all.

That's for sure, honey.

I'm not going to risk ruining a good marriage

just by having you go and have your head filled

with a lot of drivel.

You're wrong, Howard.

I am going to become a better wife for it.

I'll be more aware, more... more sympathetic,

more understanding.

You're fine now.

I like you just the way you are.

Never had to take any courses before.

We've never been in the danger zone before.

Danger zone?

Oh, it usually starts in the seventh year.

The danger zone started when you enrolled for that course.

Let me ask you one thing.

Has our marriage been running smoothly lately?

Up until tonight, yes.

Then give Dr. Halverson some credit.

Who's he? She!

She's the psychologist who conducts the course.

Oh, darling, you don't know the sense of serenity

I'm beginning to get.

Darling, you don't know the sense of pain

I'm beginning to get right here.

What do you mean, "serenity"?

The ability to accept

certain facts of life gracefully.

To realize there... there are things

beyond the control of the human animal

and to try and learn to live with them.

Who are you calling a "human animal"?

Howard, we're all animals.

Our intelligences may be highly developed,

but the basic instincts are still there.

That's true.

All of a sudden I have an urge to bite Dr. Halverson.

Oh, now, this wasn't just her idea; it's in the book, too.

What book?

Here, this one.

The Modern Wife.

Oh, darling, it wouldn't hurt you to read it, either.

I don't want to be a modern wife.

And I don't want you to be a modern wife.

I like you old-fashioned.

Honey, let's forget this stuff, huh?

Look, I'll light the fire, huh?

Turn down the lights and we'll neck.

Sounds like fun. Uh-huh.

But we're out of firewood.

We'll burn this.

I don't see why you're being so defensive.

It's just a little course. Ha!

That's like the captain of the Titanic

saying it's just a little ice.

Look, you take courses like this and I guarantee you

we're looking for trouble, like right now.

We're closer to a real argument than we've been in years.

It's the danger zone.

It's going to be the twilight zone

if you don't knock it off with those ridiculous terms.

Look, I can understand your not wanting to talk about it yet.

But once you know that I know and that I really understand,

you won't mind discussing it.

What do you know?

You know.

Honey.

You have anything against giving it a name?

Oh, it's in the book.

Chapter 3.

"Modern Toilet Training."

Oh, I guess it's Chapter 4.

You see, Dr. Halverson has shown us that as men,

you have certain natural needs.

You must have the wrong chapter again.

This one's called "The Unfaithful Husband."

You mean you think I've been...

You're a man, darling.

You're not made of stone.

Are you accusing me?

Oh, no, I'm not accusing.

I'm understanding, or trying to.

A man has to sow a few wild oats.

Well, don't bother.

I've never sown a wild oat in my life.

Darling, lying about it, trying to cover it up

is only going to make you feel twice as guilty.

How can I be twice as guilty when I'm not once as guilty?

Darling, I've learned to accept it.

How dare you accept it!

Don't you trust me?

Oh, it isn't a question of trust.

It is too!

For seven years I've been Mr. Straight

and this is what I get?

Well, let me tell you something.

I resent your implication that because I'm a man,

I'm some sort of inferior person morally.

What does your little book say about that?

Oh.

"The more guilt-ridden the husband is,

"the louder he'll protest his innocence,

"whereas the husband with nothing to hide

will merely laugh off such a suggestion."

I wish you'd stop that.

Stop what?

All that laughing and chuckling.

You remind me of Richard Widmark in that movie

when he pushed that old woman

down the stairs in her wheelchair.

Oh, I can't help that this whole thing strikes me so funny.

It struck Richard Widmark funny, too.

I thought we decided not to talk about it anymore tonight.

Who's talking about it?

I'm merely laughing about it.

However,

inasmuch you seem to want to bring it up again,

let me just ask one thing.

Oh, Howard, please.

Just one thing, that's all.

Then we'll drop the whole subject.

All right, what is it?

If you think I've been cheating, why don't you divorce me?

Not so loud. You'll wake Stevie.

He's all the way across town at your mother's!

I know!

Oh! Oh, so you think this is something to joke about?

Oh, hardly, but it seems...

All right, all right.

Let's hear it.

Let's hear the evidence against me.

I assume you have evidence.

This is exactly what I was trying to avoid. Yep.

Now if I start naming things, you'll only get more upset.

You'd think I'd been making lists or something.

I want to hear all the evidence.

What are you looking for?

My list.

Gifts and flowers.

Who do I give gifts and flowers to?

Me. What?

Well, husbands don't suddenly start

bringing home gifts and flowers for no reason.

What do you mean "suddenly"?

I've been doing that since the first year we were married.

I know. Okay.

I gave you gifts and flowers.

I plead guilty to the charge.

So shoot me.

Howard, by itself, bringing home gifts and flowers

is no indictment against you.

It's just one of many things.

Let me hear the rest of my sins.

Well, if that's going to be your attitude, I'd rather not.

Read.

Hair.

Yours, mine or the play?

Yours. You had it styled.

A lot of men have their hair styled these days.

What are you driving at?

I had it done to please somebody else?

I liked it the way it used to be.

I liked it the way it used to be, too.

But crew cuts went out with jitterbugging.

Wow, what evidence you're building against me, whoo!

There's not a jury in the land

that wouldn't convict me with evidence like that.

What else have you got?

Well, the rest of these sound sort of silly.

It all sounds silly.

Please.

What does this mean, "work"?

Well, it-it means that in your line of work,

constant contact with attractive girls

is unavoidable.

That's the way it is

when you're an advertising executive in a big office.

Howard, I'm not blaming you.

I know how hard it is to be around beautiful girls all day,

working late,

taking them out to lunch and dinner,

and traveling with them sometimes.

You couldn't help but be tempted.

All right, I admit I've been tempted,

but I have never touched one of the secretaries.

Howard, that's a lie!

What? Name one. Name one!

Me!

All right, I'll amend it.

I've never touched one of the secretaries

without marrying her.

Oh, boy, I can't believe you.

Oh, do you fit the pattern perfectly.

The diet, the gifts,

the air of innocence, the denial of guilt.

It's all there.

It's right there in Chapter 7.

All right, let me give you Chapter 8.

I'm getting out of here.

Howard!

Yeah, and Chapter 9:

"The Accused Commits the Crime."

Oh, yes, a-a scotch and soda.

All right.

Looking for a little action?

No.

No, I-I don't think so.

Sir?

Hmm?

Why did you say that?

That.

Oh.

The girls call them cheater marks.

Yeah? Thanks for the folklore.

Look, I'm not trying to judge you, pal.

I'm married myself.

I know how it is.

A man has certain needs.

It's only normal.

Yeah, well, maybe I am looking for a little action.

You should have been here last night.

Ooh, hee.

Buy her a drink.

Don't tell her who it's from.

A gentleman would like to buy you a drink.

Oh, how nice. Who?

Mm. Well, I'm not at liberty to...

All right, scotch and water then.

Okeydokey.

Better make your move, pal.

She won't last long.

Oh. Hi.

Is this from you?

Uh, yeah.

You want something?

No.

No.

You're too slow off the mark.

Give her another of whatever she's having.

Uh, tell her it's from me.

I feel like John Alden.

Yeah.

From that gentleman.

Ooh.

Must have been that last one.

Yeah. Uh, here.

I, uh... I feel sort of responsible.

Oh, that's all right.

I mean, she-she sleeps it off in the ladies room.

Almost every night.

Hmm.

Oh, I don't want another drink.

Someone sent it.

Man or a woman?

A woman.

Well, that's something.

She's trying to say hello.

She'd like you to join her.

No.

Uh, tell her I... I don't think so.

Wait a minute.

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, thanks for the, uh...

Oh, you're welcome.

Why don't you sit down?

Oh, oh.

I usually don't do this sort of thing.

What sort of thing?

Oh, come to places like this alone.

I do. All the time.

This place really swings.

Yeah, I heard.

Yeah, I'll, uh... have to bring my wife in sometime.

I'm married.

Yeah, I saw your ring.

Listen, I don't hold that against anybody.

I'm married, too.

That's why I'm here alone.

Well, I, uh, didn't want you to get the wrong idea.

I just came in for a nightcap.

Yeah.

So did I. At 8:00.

Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

How personal?

How come you're not wearing any socks?

Oh, that.

Uh...

Well, you see...

You had a fight, right?

Huh? Your wife?

And you rushed out of the house,

and you forgot to put your socks on.

What did you fight about?

Listen, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to.

Other women.

Well... let me buy you another drink.

It isn't that she has any reason.

I mean, I don't play around.

She has no reason to be sore at me for anything.

Oh, boy.

I wouldn't want to live with you.

Oh, I'm not trying to say I'm perfect.

Well, what are you trying to say?

Look, why don't you

give the kid a break?

Give her a reason to feel that she's better than you.

Once in a while, do something really lowdown and lousy.

Like what?

I don't know, but if you want to start tonight,

I'd be glad to help.

Oh. Wow.

Thanks, uh, but, um...

Forget it.

I just figured it was worth a try.

Listen, what's a nice kid like you

doing in a place like this?

You don't belong here.

Go home.

Yeah.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

You know,

you're lucky you ended up with me

instead of the first girl.

With her, you might have been tempted.

Did you have a nice time?

What kind of question is that?

I just asked if you had a nice time.

Yeah, I guess so.

You did?

Not really.

Oh.

Do you feel like talking about it?

No.

If you must know, I didn't do anything.

Nothing any other man wouldn't do.

Honey, I thought you said this was something

you were going to learn to accept.

I didn't say I'd gotten good at it yet.

I guess I'm just not a modern wife.

I can't stand the thought of you with...

Oh, even though it is all my fault.

I wish I'd never heard of that dumb course.

Give it up.

I can't give it up unless you give them up.

It's a deal.

You really mean it?

Uh-huh.

But it'll be so hard for you,

having all those temptations and everything.

I know.

But you'll be willing to try?

I'd do anything to make our marriage work.

Anything.

Can you forgive me?

Oh, of course I forgive you.

I wonder if there's any room left

in that bookbinding class.

Lamar?

Lamar, are you nervous about my husband catching us?

Of course not.

It was a marvelous party, wasn't it, Daphne?

I'm exhausted.

Great crowd. Marvelous.

Dorothy looked wonderful.

I mean, she really looked great.

Listen, I don't care what you say.

You've got to hand it to her.

She doesn't look 43.

Even up close.

She had a little face-lift, you know.

What's a little face-lift?

Well, they just take a little tuck

in front of each ear.

Oh.

I mean, it's not a major face-lift.

It's just a little tuck.

Of course, it's still a lift.

Well, who needs that kind of vanity?

I mean, why can't people be what they are, you know?

Of course.

Philip looked great.

Great suntan.

Have they been to Bermuda?

Darling,

that's a sun lamp.

Of course, you're right.

How could they have gone anyplace?

He's been out of work for eight months.

Sitting under a sunlamp.

You know, it was a big party.

Yes, bigger than I'd expected.

You know, I was surprised to see Eddie Stran there.

I thought he always hated those charity affairs.

Well, he has to go because he needs it for a tax write-off.

Mmm, I thought I'd die

when I saw the Smiths tooling up in that Rolls.

Their station wagon was repossessed two months ago.

A Rolls and a chauffeur.

Oh, he's not really a chauffeur.

That's a foreign exchange student from Ceylon.

He boards with them.

I guess pretense means a lot to some people.

Like the Fetchmores.

You know, Poot Reese said

they were going to build an indoor/outdoor swimming pool.

Oh, Lord knows where they'll get the money.

They already owe all the tradespeople.

Well, now they'll owe the pool people.

Yes. Darling?

You know, if I hear Pang and Z.G. Turner

talk about someplace they've been

for a weekend again, I'm going to throw up.

I guess he forgets that we know

he used to work for the airlines

before his second marriage and he's got a pass.

I mean, who wouldn't want to go to Africa for the weekend

if you get there for $15?

Who do they think they're impressing?

I hate that sort of thing.

It's so inauthentic.

It's incredible the way some people behave, you know?

Did you get a chance to talk to Freddie and May Hudson?

No, they were so busy snowing his new boss.

Freddie told me that they'd gotten a new Picasso

and a Jackson Pollock.

Can you imagine that?

Darling, they can rent those by the month.

Lots of people do it.

Really? Of course.

I noticed you were talking

to Hans Bremag before we left.

I didn't get a chance to. What's he doing?

Is Hans a Phi Beta Kappa?

I doubt it.

Well, he was wearing a Phi Beta Kappa key.

Probably borrowed it.

Can you beat that?

Probably figured nobody'd know,

but did you see anybody give him

the fraternity high sign or handshake?

Oh, what a faker.

I don't understand 'em.

Who, darling?

I don't understand any of them.

They're all a bunch of phonies.

Oh, Beau, we are so lucky.

You're right, Daph.

Wouldn't it be awful

if we needed phonies like all of them?

But we don't need anybody, Daph.

Like you said, "We're lucky."

We've got us.

But what gets me, what really gets me

is why the devil

people are so afraid of just being themselves?

Know what I mean?

Mm-hmm.

Buzz, I always knew you were cheap,

but when you said, "Let's have a drink

to celebrate our wedding anniversary."

And now the story of a marriage

a young husband couldn't talk about

and his wife didn't know about.

Well, are you going to write

your Congressman or aren't you?

What for?

He never writes to me.

Hey, that's a nice slip.

Oh, come inside.

Do you want everybody staring at me?

Oh, mi amour.

Que bonita, que bonita.

And who's K. Bonita?

Who is K. Bonita? Mm-hmm.

That's you. Ooh.

I guess what I really mean is,

of all the roommates I've ever had,

you rate in the top ten.

Really? Mmm.

Well, the Amalgamated Commercial Bank of North America

does not think that I rate so high.

They won't give us a loan to buy a car together.

According to their 19th century standards,

unmarried couples are a financial risk.

Kath, those are 20th century standards

and you owe the library another 50 cents.

Well, aren't you going to do something about this?

Quite frankly, I'm more concerned about studying

for tomorrow's Brazilian Geopolitics final.

Well, if you're not concerned about having

your entire way of life ridiculed,

that's your affair,

but I'm going to do something about it.

Do me a favor.

Don't start a crusade with the bank, huh?

But it's not fair.

I mean, why should we have to get married

and spoil a perfect relationship

just to get a good credit rating?

Hey, listen.

I just got a groovy idea. What?

After finals, why don't we take another trip

down to Mexico?

We can go back to that little town up in the mountains

like we did last Easter.

What will we do in Mexico?

I want to take you through customs again.

Thanks. Twice was enough.

Hmm, not the way I go through customs.

All right, I'll take my shower.

Start packing. We're going to Mexico.

Well, where are we going to get a car?

I'll get the car. You just open dinner.

Don't you dare go to that bank and lie about us.

I'm not your wife, and I don't care who knows it.

Mom! Dad! What are you doing here?

All right, where is he? Where is who?

Who? T. Hurst, that's who!

The other name on the mailbox for the world to see.

Now, where is he? Well, how do you know the "T" doesn't stand for "Tammy"...

Your cousin Joan talked, dear. The "T" stands for "trouble."

Oh, I never should've told her, that fink!

Where's the "T" fink? That's what I want to know.

How many times do I have to tell you?

You know I can't hear you when the water's running.

Tim... these are my parents.

In your shower?

It's his shower, too. He lives here.

Katie!

Do you mean to stand there and tell me

that you're living with... with... Bubbles?

I'm not ashamed of it.

We love each other, and so we live together,

like millions of other kids are doing today.

Well, it's really a very simple arrangement.

Well, I'm about to complicate the heck out of it!

Don't you touch him, Daddy!

Owen, you promised, no bloodshed!

Before anything else is said, I want you to know

I love your daughter very much.

I'll give you love, you pimple-faced Casanova.

When I get through with you, you won't be able to romance a duck!

Why don't you introduce us all,

so your father can yell at the boy by name?

Timothy Hurst.

Tim, this is my mother, my father.

I hope you didn't get the wrong idea, sir.

What?

Living together was my idea.

Well, he's going to pay for it.

Sir, I think we better step into the next room.

Don't you threaten me, you punk. No, you don't understand.

There's something we have to discuss.

Don't try to reason with him, Tim.

He still lives in the Stone Age.

He doesn't understand there's a new morality.

That today, when people love each other,

they just live together and let their love grow free

like wildflowers.

You call it wildflowers; I call it wild oats!

Pack your things. I'm taking you home!

You're not taking me anywhere.

I'm of age, and I'll do whatever I damn well please.

Now, Kat, don't curse at your father. I don't need anyone

to protect me from my own daughter,

especially not her seducer!

Now, everybody just hang loose for a minute!

Now, why don't we all just sit back

and let the feathers settle.

Katherine, how about a nice cool drink?

Uh, we're not old enough to buy liquor, ma'am.

But we've got some great muscatel.

Here, let me. I'm the host.

They're my parents. I'll handle them.

Now, you just run along to the library

and study for your finals. Go to the library? Are you crazy?

You think I'm gonna run out on you at a time like this?

But we're not supposed to get involved

in each other's personal affairs.

Look, this whole thing has gone far enough.

I'm gonna do something...

How does one get... Just plow right through, Mrs. Walker.

Kathy, your father needs time to realize

today wasn't Pearl Harbor and he doesn't have to mobilize the country.

So why don't you and Timothy be our guests

at a quiet dinner somewhere

where everyone can unwind and get to know the enemy?

Well-well, that's very gracious of you, Mrs. Walker.

Isn't it, Kat?

We'd be delighted to have dinner with you.

But will you please let us take you out?

Probably be the first decent meal they've had in a year.

Well, that'll make it easier

to talk them into a nice, simple marriage if...

If what?

If you keep your foot out of your mouth until dessert.

Edith, how could I ever live without your charming wit?

Interesting idea.

And if we can show them that we're doing okay,

that we really love each other, maybe they'll see it our way.

That's clever, but, uh

where are we gonna feed them on $5.85?

Mexicali Rose's?

Mexicali Rose's!

My father will get heartburn just walking in the door.

This will stick to your ribs.

Vamos...

Looks like it's gonna stick to the plate.

You know, Mexicans really are

the most incredibly, uh, sturdy people.

Yes, they are, but...

they get so caught up in their bureaucracy.

I mean, do you realize that last semester,

when Tim and I went down there,

they actually made us go through customs twice?

Mm, what a charming custom.

Aren't we a civilized little group.

Sitting here chatting pleasantly

about my daughter's trip with her gigolo.

I'm hardly a gigolo, sir. I can't even dance.

I thought this was going to be a nice dinner.

It is, dear.

And like nice people,

we're going to resolve this dilemma in a nice way.

You're not going to break us up.

We wouldn't think of it.

You two are obviously very much in love.

Yes, we are. Very much.

So all we need to send everybody home smiling and happy

is for you two to make a slight technical adjustment

and just, uh... Get married.

We'd rather die!

Marriage would stifle our love

by squeezing it out of us like tax payments.

We swore never to get married.

Didn't we, Tim?

Yes, well, you see, the idea behind that

was that we wanted to be free to love voluntarily and not because we had to.

You mean the idea was to have your laughs,

and then when you got tired of each other,

to move on to greener pastures.

Just because you and Mother

took the safe, easy, conventional way out...

Katherine! No, Miss Wiseacre,

we went through a long, searching process

to discover what love was.

And after a lot of give-and-take, we found it.

Do I have to get married just to prove that I've found love?

No. What you have now

is one foot out the door waiting to buzz off

the minute your wildflower gets

a little brown around the edges.

Oh, Mother,

how could you put up with this all these years?

He's choking.

Dear, get some water. Daddy! Help!

There's a remedy. Here.

Hold his head back.

Oh!

Oh. Oh, he's only choking. He's all right.

There's even enough left for coffee.

Good as new.

I told you I can get them cleaned.

Well... that's lovely.

Yes.

Someday she'll make someone a wonderful wife.

Well, I hate to sound rude,

but, um, I'm afraid you'll both have to go.

Go?

Kat, nothing has been settled.

Well, do you want to flunk your finals?

If you think We'll settle it tomorrow.

I'm going to leave you two alone in this apartment overnight,

you're crazier than Mexicali Rose.

Oh, Daddy, you can't be serious.

And I'm going to keep him company.

Oh, Mother.

Well, Tim, are you going to let them do this?

Kat, if your parents want

to spend the night with us,

they're perfectly welcome.

Whose side are you on?

Look,

all you're going to accomplish by these bully tactics

is to get Tim flunked.

Now take it easy, Kat.

I can study in the kitchen.

No, you can't.

You can't concentrate

when the refrigerator gurgles.

Katherine, why don't you,

your father and I bunk down in the bedroom?

You do have one, don't you?

Are you kidding?

Then Tim could have this room

all to himself.

I don't know if you'll be very comfortable, Mrs. Walker.

We've never had three people in here before.

Well...

if it'll put you on the dean's list,

we'll sleep standing up.

Come on, Owen, let the boy study.

Now you take it easy, Kat.

I told you all of this is going to turn out

for the best.

Best, what's gotten in to you?

How can you let them make a mockery

out of our whole way of life?

If you'll just give me a chance,

I'll show you how.

Grinning and fawning

and ushering them around, like a maître d'.

Well, what do you expect me to do?

Kick them down the stairs?

But they're trying to make us go back

on all our principles.

Well, some of them may need a little going back on.

If all it takes is a visit from my parents

to turn you into a middle-class monster,

then perhaps this whole idea was a big mistake.

Yeah?

Maybe it was.

Oh, that's really cruel.

Oh, now, Kat, you don't know what I mean.

Well, I may not understand Spanish,

but I certainly know

when someone is trying to say adios!

If we get married, then we'll be obligated to love each other.

No, dear, just obligated to try.

♪ To make love grow out of that first hello ♪

♪ Is not a simple thing to do ♪

♪ You give your heart and some kisses at the start ♪

♪ But love's more the art of holding on to ♪

♪ Beyond romantic dreams ♪

♪ And childish sweetheart schemes ♪

♪ Love waits for those to come ♪

♪ You trust and you forgive ♪

♪ You work to make love live ♪

♪ That's how it is and that is why ♪

♪ Love will not grow by wishing it were so ♪

♪ Love is the laughter of your tears... ♪

Tim?

Tim, I can't sleep, and it's all your fault.

Tim?

You didn't really mean adios, did you?

Tim?

♪ Beyond romantic dreams ♪

♪ And childish sweetheart schemes ♪

♪ Love waits for those who can't ♪

♪ You trust and you forgive ♪

♪ You work to make love live ♪

♪ And that's how it is and that is why ♪

♪ To make love grow out of that first hello ♪

♪ Is not a simple thing to do ♪

♪ Love will not grow just by wishing it were so ♪

♪ Love is the joy ♪

♪ Love is the joy ♪ ♪ Love is the joy ♪

♪ Of your tears. ♪

She's gone.

They're both gone.

Oh, Lord.

Relax, Owen, they left the bed.

Oh, is it your back again?

No, it's my gluteus maximus.

Of course it's my back.

Sleeping all night, curled up like a horseshoe.

Come on, we've got to go find them.

Well, you're not going to find them like that,

unless they left footprints.

Come on, let me help you get your back straightened out. All right.

I suppose Katie ran away because I was hard on her as usual.

Edith? Hmm?

I am right, aren't I?

Tim?

Katie!

Where have you been?

I can't find Tim anywhere.

He didn't come home all night.

And he wasn't at any of his exams.

He's gone.

We chased him away.

Oh, baby.

Daddy, your back out again?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Come on. Let's get out of here.

There's way too much steam.

Yeah, how do you turn this thing off?

Oh, Tim knows how to do it.

Oh, wonderful. Where is he?

Open the door.

That's funny. There's no doorknob. No what?

He left without even fixing the doorknob.

Does that mean we're trapped in here?

Now don't get excited, Owen.

Someone is bound to come along.

At least I can breathe through the keyhole.

Don't worry, Daddy.

This happens all the time.

Excuse me, Mother. Excuse me.

Mother, would you hand me that hook behind you?

Oh...

Hi.

I finally got you where I want you.

Tim, oh, Tim, where have you been all night?

Roaming the campus like a dropout.

And you didn't take your final.

Kat, how could I possibly concentrate

on Brazilian coffee quotas

when my whole life might be cracking up in front of my eyes?

Your life might not be, but my makeup is.

Who do you got in there?

My parents.

Let us out!

Wait a minute.

What am I doing?

I don't want to let you out.

You're just going to run away.

I'd never run away from you.

You will, when you see what a rat I've been

in keeping this a secret.

Keeping what a secret?

This customs declaration.

Oh, Tim, are you a smuggler?

Looks like Mexicali Rose is his fence.

No, I'm not a smuggler.

Kat, remember in that little town in Mexico

where we had to go through customs a second time?

Well, that wasn't any customs.

Well, of course it was.

This little man made you sign that paper,

declaring all our goods.

This is no declaration.

And that was no little man.

That was the city clerk.

And what he gabbled off that you didn't understand

was "Dearly Beloved" in Spanish.

Kat, this is a marriage certificate.

We've been legally married for the last four months.

You fink!

Kat, I know I'm a fink, but what can I do?

Marriage isn't so terrible, dear.

It's people who give it a bad name.

What difference does it make?

You're already the most married couple I know.

♪ ♪

Kat?

Kat, I was scared.

I was scared in case we had an argument like last night

and I'd lose you forever.

I couldn't sleep.

I couldn't study.

My grades were falling.

I had to do something.

But marriage will change me.

I'll turn into a wife.

No, you won't.

I knew I was married, and it didn't make a husband out of me.

Kat, take this.

I've been keeping it for you since Mexico.

I don't want to stifle our love.

If our love is strong, Kat, it'll survive anything.

Even marriage.

Kat?

What's wrong?

Do you still love me?

Oh, Kat, I love you.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Love is all over the world.