All language subtitles for Love American Style S01E05 Love and the Modern Wife, Love and the Phonies, Love and the Single Couple

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the
red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled
night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your
head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's
early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend
your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

three separate views
of love, American style:

a marriage a young
husband couldn't talk about

and his wife didn't know about;

a couple who proved to
be half of what they seemed;

and our first story

about a guide for
married life called:

♪ ♪

Uh-oh.

I wanted to be home before you.

That makes two of us.

I wanted you to be
home before me, too.

Sorry, darling, but
my class was late.

Hey, what did you
have for lunch?

I didn't have any lunch.

What's that taste?

Anchovies and teething biscuits.

Yech.

Oddly enough, as bad
as the combination sounds,

it tastes even worse.

You know, honey,
when a man comes home

from a hard day's work,

his dinner's
supposed to be ready.

I'm always a little late on
Tuesdays because of my class.

Now you know that. Mm-hmm.

Why'd you miss
lunch today anyway?

I'm on a diet.

Why did you go on a diet?

One of the secretaries at
work happened to comment.

Uh, don't you have
any potato chips?

Yeah, in that bag.

So you missed lunch,

then you eat anchovies
and teething biscuits,

and now potato chips. Uh-huh.

What kind of diet is that?

A very weird one.

It's better than the
one Frank Peters is on.

He drinks that liquid
diet stuff every day.

What's wrong with that?

Has 11 cans of it for lunch.

Hey, uh, where's Stevie?

Whoops.

What do you mean, "Whoops"?

When I ask where my son is,

I want a better
answer than "Whoops."

I forgot all about him.

Where'd you leave him?

In a basket at the supermarket?

No, he's at Mother's.

The babysitter
was late showing up

and I had to run off to class,

so I dropped him off over there.

Say, why don't I call her

and see if she'll mind
keeping him overnight?

What do you mean "overnight"?

Well, if I drop everything
and drive over there now,

you won't get your
dinner for at least

an hour and a half. Mm-hmm.

And if we wait
till after dinner,

he'll be asleep by then,

and it'd be a shame
to wake him up.

No, he'll be fine.

She loves having him.

She feeds him prune juice.

I think she's conducting
an experiment

to see how much a
four-year-old can hold

in the way of prune juice.

You're being silly.

He's going to get wrinkles.

Oh, he's going to be delighted

to hear that he can
spend the night there.

Well, what about me?

Do you want to spend
the night there, too?

Don't I count around
here anymore?

I mean, is it so much for
me to ask to see my son?

I want to see my son.

I also want my dinner.

I'm sorry, darling.

It's just because of
that doggone class

that everything got fouled up.

Why do you have to
go to class for anyway?

I mean, don't you have
enough to do around here

without going to class?

I am just trying
to improve myself.

What kind of course
are you taking?

Well, I told you about it
a couple of weeks ago

when I enrolled.
I don't remember.

I'd like to know what
course is preventing me

from getting my dinner on time

and seeing my son
when I want him.

It's just, uh...

Try that again.

It's called "Making
Your Marriage Work."

Whatever made you
pick a course like that?

Oh, I don't know.

Alice and I went over
to sign up for that class

in African Cookery,
but it was all filled up.

So we figured, as
long as we were there,

we might as well
sign up for something.

How's Alice's marriage
since she enrolled?

Len ask for a divorce yet?

She didn't take "Making
Your Marriage Work."

What'd she take?

Bookbinding.

Now see, honey,
there's something useful.

Bookbinding. I got
a lot of old Playboys

that are laying around here;
you could've bound them for me.

Honey, we've been
married for seven years,

a marriage that's worked fine
without you taking any courses.

What's that supposed to mean?

I didn't say anything.

It was the way you
didn't say anything.

Well, you just can't
be too careful, that's all.

That's for sure, honey.

I'm not going to risk
ruining a good marriage

just by having you go
and have your head filled

with a lot of drivel.

You're wrong, Howard.

I am going to become
a better wife for it.

I'll be more aware,
more... more sympathetic,

more understanding.

You're fine now.

I like you just the way you are.

Never had to take
any courses before.

We've never been in
the danger zone before.

Danger zone?

Oh, it usually starts
in the seventh year.

The danger zone started when
you enrolled for that course.

Let me ask you one thing.

Has our marriage been
running smoothly lately?

Up until tonight, yes.

Then give Dr. Halverson
some credit.

Who's he? She!

She's the psychologist
who conducts the course.

Oh, darling, you don't
know the sense of serenity

I'm beginning to get.

Darling, you don't
know the sense of pain

I'm beginning to get right here.

What do you mean, "serenity"?

The ability to accept

certain facts of
life gracefully.

To realize there...
there are things

beyond the control
of the human animal

and to try and learn
to live with them.

Who are you calling
a "human animal"?

Howard, we're all animals.

Our intelligences may
be highly developed,

but the basic
instincts are still there.

That's true.

All of a sudden I have an
urge to bite Dr. Halverson.

Oh, now, this wasn't just
her idea; it's in the book, too.

What book?

Here, this one.

The Modern Wife.

Oh, darling, it wouldn't
hurt you to read it, either.

I don't want to
be a modern wife.

And I don't want you
to be a modern wife.

I like you old-fashioned.

Honey, let's forget
this stuff, huh?

Look, I'll light the fire, huh?

Turn down the
lights and we'll neck.

Sounds like fun. Uh-huh.

But we're out of firewood.

We'll burn this.

I don't see why you're
being so defensive.

It's just a little course. Ha!

That's like the
captain of the Titanic

saying it's just a little ice.

Look, you take courses
like this and I guarantee you

we're looking for
trouble, like right now.

We're closer to a real argument
than we've been in years.

It's the danger zone.

It's going to be
the twilight zone

if you don't knock it off
with those ridiculous terms.

Look, I can understand your
not wanting to talk about it yet.

But once you know that I know
and that I really understand,

you won't mind discussing it.

What do you know?

You know.

Honey.

You have anything
against giving it a name?

Oh, it's in the book.

Chapter 3.

"Modern Toilet Training."

Oh, I guess it's Chapter 4.

You see, Dr. Halverson
has shown us that as men,

you have certain natural needs.

You must have the
wrong chapter again.

This one's called "The
Unfaithful Husband."

You mean you think I've been...

You're a man, darling.

You're not made of stone.

Are you accusing me?

Oh, no, I'm not accusing.

I'm understanding, or trying to.

A man has to sow
a few wild oats.

Well, don't bother.

I've never sown a
wild oat in my life.

Darling, lying about
it, trying to cover it up

is only going to make
you feel twice as guilty.

How can I be twice as guilty
when I'm not once as guilty?

Darling, I've
learned to accept it.

How dare you accept it!

Don't you trust me?

Oh, it isn't a
question of trust.

It is too!

For seven years
I've been Mr. Straight

and this is what I get?

Well, let me tell you something.

I resent your implication
that because I'm a man,

I'm some sort of
inferior person morally.

What does your little
book say about that?

Oh.

"The more guilt-ridden
the husband is,

"the louder he'll
protest his innocence,

"whereas the husband
with nothing to hide

will merely laugh off
such a suggestion."

I wish you'd stop that.

Stop what?

All that laughing and chuckling.

You remind me of Richard
Widmark in that movie

when he pushed that old woman

down the stairs
in her wheelchair.

Oh, I can't help that this
whole thing strikes me so funny.

It struck Richard
Widmark funny, too.

I thought we decided not to
talk about it anymore tonight.

Who's talking about it?

I'm merely laughing about it.

However,

inasmuch you seem to
want to bring it up again,

let me just ask one thing.

Oh, Howard, please.

Just one thing, that's all.

Then we'll drop
the whole subject.

All right, what is it?

If you think I've been cheating,
why don't you divorce me?

Not so loud. You'll wake Stevie.

He's all the way across
town at your mother's!

I know!

Oh! Oh, so you think this
is something to joke about?

Oh, hardly, but it seems...

All right, all right.

Let's hear it.

Let's hear the
evidence against me.

I assume you have evidence.

This is exactly what I
was trying to avoid. Yep.

Now if I start naming things,
you'll only get more upset.

You'd think I'd been
making lists or something.

I want to hear all the evidence.

What are you looking for?

My list.

Gifts and flowers.

Who do I give
gifts and flowers to?

Me. What?

Well, husbands
don't suddenly start

bringing home gifts and
flowers for no reason.

What do you mean "suddenly"?

I've been doing that since
the first year we were married.

I know. Okay.

I gave you gifts and flowers.

I plead guilty to the charge.

So shoot me.

Howard, by itself, bringing
home gifts and flowers

is no indictment against you.

It's just one of many things.

Let me hear the rest of my sins.

Well, if that's going to be
your attitude, I'd rather not.

Read.

Hair.

Yours, mine or the play?

Yours. You had it styled.

A lot of men have their
hair styled these days.

What are you driving at?

I had it done to
please somebody else?

I liked it the way
it used to be.

I liked it the way
it used to be, too.

But crew cuts went
out with jitterbugging.

Wow, what evidence you're
building against me, whoo!

There's not a jury in the land

that wouldn't convict me
with evidence like that.

What else have you got?

Well, the rest of these
sound sort of silly.

It all sounds silly.

Please.

What does this mean, "work"?

Well, it-it means that
in your line of work,

constant contact
with attractive girls

is unavoidable.

That's the way it is

when you're an advertising
executive in a big office.

Howard, I'm not blaming you.

I know how hard it is to be
around beautiful girls all day,

working late,

taking them out to
lunch and dinner,

and traveling with
them sometimes.

You couldn't help
but be tempted.

All right, I admit
I've been tempted,

but I have never touched
one of the secretaries.

Howard, that's a lie!

What? Name one. Name one!

Me!

All right, I'll amend it.

I've never touched
one of the secretaries

without marrying her.

Oh, boy, I can't believe you.

Oh, do you fit the
pattern perfectly.

The diet, the gifts,

the air of innocence,
the denial of guilt.

It's all there.

It's right there in Chapter 7.

All right, let me
give you Chapter 8.

I'm getting out of here.

Howard!

Yeah, and Chapter 9:

"The Accused Commits the Crime."

Oh, yes, a-a scotch and soda.

All right.

Looking for a little action?

No.

No, I-I don't think so.

Sir?

Hmm?

Why did you say that?

That.

Oh.

The girls call them
cheater marks.

Yeah? Thanks for the folklore.

Look, I'm not trying
to judge you, pal.

I'm married myself.

I know how it is.

A man has certain needs.

It's only normal.

Yeah, well, maybe I am
looking for a little action.

You should have
been here last night.

Ooh, hee.

Buy her a drink.

Don't tell her who it's from.

A gentleman would
like to buy you a drink.

Oh, how nice. Who?

Mm. Well, I'm
not at liberty to...

All right, scotch
and water then.

Okeydokey.

Better make your move, pal.

She won't last long.

Oh. Hi.

Is this from you?

Uh, yeah.

You want something?

No.

No.

You're too slow off the mark.

Give her another of
whatever she's having.

Uh, tell her it's from me.

I feel like John Alden.

Yeah.

From that gentleman.

Ooh.

Must have been that last one.

Yeah. Uh, here.

I, uh... I feel sort
of responsible.

Oh, that's all right.

I mean, she-she sleeps
it off in the ladies room.

Almost every night.

Hmm.

Oh, I don't want another drink.

Someone sent it.

Man or a woman?

A woman.

Well, that's something.

She's trying to say hello.

She'd like you to join her.

No.

Uh, tell her I...
I don't think so.

Wait a minute.

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, thanks for the, uh...

Oh, you're welcome.

Why don't you sit down?

Oh, oh.

I usually don't do
this sort of thing.

What sort of thing?

Oh, come to places
like this alone.

I do. All the time.

This place really swings.

Yeah, I heard.

Yeah, I'll, uh... have to
bring my wife in sometime.

I'm married.

Yeah, I saw your ring.

Listen, I don't hold
that against anybody.

I'm married, too.

That's why I'm here alone.

Well, I, uh, didn't want
you to get the wrong idea.

I just came in for a nightcap.

Yeah.

So did I. At 8:00.

Do you mind if I ask
you a personal question?

How personal?

How come you're not
wearing any socks?

Oh, that.

Uh...

Well, you see...

You had a fight, right?

Huh? Your wife?

And you rushed out of the house,

and you forgot to
put your socks on.

What did you fight about?

Listen, you don't have to
tell me if you don't want to.

Other women.

Well... let me buy
you another drink.

It isn't that she
has any reason.

I mean, I don't play around.

She has no reason to
be sore at me for anything.

Oh, boy.

I wouldn't want
to live with you.

Oh, I'm not trying
to say I'm perfect.

Well, what are
you trying to say?

Look, why don't you

give the kid a break?

Give her a reason to feel
that she's better than you.

Once in a while, do something
really lowdown and lousy.

Like what?

I don't know, but if you
want to start tonight,

I'd be glad to help.

Oh. Wow.

Thanks, uh, but, um...

Forget it.

I just figured it
was worth a try.

Listen, what's a
nice kid like you

doing in a place like this?

You don't belong here.

Go home.

Yeah.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

You know,

you're lucky you
ended up with me

instead of the first girl.

With her, you might
have been tempted.

Did you have a nice time?

What kind of question is that?

I just asked if you
had a nice time.

Yeah, I guess so.

You did?

Not really.

Oh.

Do you feel like
talking about it?

No.

If you must know,
I didn't do anything.

Nothing any other
man wouldn't do.

Honey, I thought you
said this was something

you were going
to learn to accept.

I didn't say I'd
gotten good at it yet.

I guess I'm just
not a modern wife.

I can't stand the
thought of you with...

Oh, even though
it is all my fault.

I wish I'd never heard
of that dumb course.

Give it up.

I can't give it up unless
you give them up.

It's a deal.

You really mean it?

Uh-huh.

But it'll be so hard for you,

having all those
temptations and everything.

I know.

But you'll be willing to try?

I'd do anything to
make our marriage work.

Anything.

Can you forgive me?

Oh, of course I forgive you.

I wonder if there's
any room left

in that bookbinding class.

Lamar?

Lamar, are you nervous
about my husband catching us?

Of course not.

It was a marvelous
party, wasn't it, Daphne?

I'm exhausted.

Great crowd. Marvelous.

Dorothy looked wonderful.

I mean, she really looked great.

Listen, I don't
care what you say.

You've got to hand it to her.

She doesn't look 43.

Even up close.

She had a little
face-lift, you know.

What's a little face-lift?

Well, they just
take a little tuck

in front of each ear.

Oh.

I mean, it's not
a major face-lift.

It's just a little tuck.

Of course, it's still a lift.

Well, who needs
that kind of vanity?

I mean, why can't people
be what they are, you know?

Of course.

Philip looked great.

Great suntan.

Have they been to Bermuda?

Darling,

that's a sun lamp.

Of course, you're right.

How could they
have gone anyplace?

He's been out of
work for eight months.

Sitting under a sunlamp.

You know, it was a big party.

Yes, bigger than I'd expected.

You know, I was surprised
to see Eddie Stran there.

I thought he always
hated those charity affairs.

Well, he has to go because
he needs it for a tax write-off.

Mmm, I thought I'd die

when I saw the Smiths
tooling up in that Rolls.

Their station wagon was
repossessed two months ago.

A Rolls and a chauffeur.

Oh, he's not really a chauffeur.

That's a foreign exchange
student from Ceylon.

He boards with them.

I guess pretense means
a lot to some people.

Like the Fetchmores.

You know, Poot Reese said

they were going to build an
indoor/outdoor swimming pool.

Oh, Lord knows where
they'll get the money.

They already owe
all the tradespeople.

Well, now they'll
owe the pool people.

Yes. Darling?

You know, if I hear
Pang and Z.G. Turner

talk about someplace
they've been

for a weekend again,
I'm going to throw up.

I guess he forgets that we know

he used to work for the airlines

before his second
marriage and he's got a pass.

I mean, who wouldn't want
to go to Africa for the weekend

if you get there for $15?

Who do they think
they're impressing?

I hate that sort of thing.

It's so inauthentic.

It's incredible the way some
people behave, you know?

Did you get a chance to talk
to Freddie and May Hudson?

No, they were so busy
snowing his new boss.

Freddie told me that
they'd gotten a new Picasso

and a Jackson Pollock.

Can you imagine that?

Darling, they can rent
those by the month.

Lots of people do it.

Really? Of course.

I noticed you were talking

to Hans Bremag before we left.

I didn't get a chance
to. What's he doing?

Is Hans a Phi Beta Kappa?

I doubt it.

Well, he was wearing
a Phi Beta Kappa key.

Probably borrowed it.

Can you beat that?

Probably figured nobody'd know,

but did you see anybody give him

the fraternity high
sign or handshake?

Oh, what a faker.

I don't understand 'em.

Who, darling?

I don't understand any of them.

They're all a bunch of phonies.

Oh, Beau, we are so lucky.

You're right, Daph.

Wouldn't it be awful

if we needed phonies
like all of them?

But we don't need anybody, Daph.

Like you said, "We're lucky."

We've got us.

But what gets me,
what really gets me

is why the devil

people are so afraid of
just being themselves?

Know what I mean?

Mm-hmm.

Buzz, I always knew
you were cheap,

but when you said,
"Let's have a drink

to celebrate our
wedding anniversary."

And now the story of a marriage

a young husband
couldn't talk about

and his wife didn't know about.

Well, are you going to write

your Congressman or aren't you?

What for?

He never writes to me.

Hey, that's a nice slip.

Oh, come inside.

Do you want
everybody staring at me?

Oh, mi amour.

Que bonita, que bonita.

And who's K. Bonita?

Who is K. Bonita? Mm-hmm.

That's you. Ooh.

I guess what I really mean is,

of all the roommates
I've ever had,

you rate in the top ten.

Really? Mmm.

Well, the Amalgamated
Commercial Bank of North America

does not think
that I rate so high.

They won't give us a
loan to buy a car together.

According to their
19th century standards,

unmarried couples
are a financial risk.

Kath, those are 20th
century standards

and you owe the
library another 50 cents.

Well, aren't you going to
do something about this?

Quite frankly, I'm more
concerned about studying

for tomorrow's Brazilian
Geopolitics final.

Well, if you're not
concerned about having

your entire way
of life ridiculed,

that's your affair,

but I'm going to do
something about it.

Do me a favor.

Don't start a crusade
with the bank, huh?

But it's not fair.

I mean, why should
we have to get married

and spoil a perfect relationship

just to get a
good credit rating?

Hey, listen.

I just got a groovy idea. What?

After finals, why don't
we take another trip

down to Mexico?

We can go back to that
little town up in the mountains

like we did last Easter.

What will we do in Mexico?

I want to take you
through customs again.

Thanks. Twice was enough.

Hmm, not the way I
go through customs.

All right, I'll take my shower.

Start packing. We're
going to Mexico.

Well, where are we
going to get a car?

I'll get the car. You
just open dinner.

Don't you dare go to
that bank and lie about us.

I'm not your wife, and I
don't care who knows it.

Mom! Dad! What
are you doing here?

All right, where is
he? Where is who?

Who? T. Hurst, that's who!

The other name on the
mailbox for the world to see.

Now, where is he? Well, how do you
know the "T" doesn't stand for "Tammy"...

Your cousin Joan talked, dear.
The "T" stands for "trouble."

Oh, I never should've
told her, that fink!

Where's the "T" fink?
That's what I want to know.

How many times
do I have to tell you?

You know I can't hear you
when the water's running.

Tim... these are my parents.

In your shower?

It's his shower,
too. He lives here.

Katie!

Do you mean to
stand there and tell me

that you're living
with... with... Bubbles?

I'm not ashamed of it.

We love each other,
and so we live together,

like millions of other
kids are doing today.

Well, it's really a very
simple arrangement.

Well, I'm about to
complicate the heck out of it!

Don't you touch him, Daddy!

Owen, you promised,
no bloodshed!

Before anything else is
said, I want you to know

I love your daughter very much.

I'll give you love, you
pimple-faced Casanova.

When I get through with you, you
won't be able to romance a duck!

Why don't you introduce us all,

so your father can yell
at the boy by name?

Timothy Hurst.

Tim, this is my
mother, my father.

I hope you didn't get
the wrong idea, sir.

What?

Living together was my idea.

Well, he's going to pay for it.

Sir, I think we better
step into the next room.

Don't you threaten me, you
punk. No, you don't understand.

There's something
we have to discuss.

Don't try to reason
with him, Tim.

He still lives in the Stone Age.

He doesn't understand
there's a new morality.

That today, when
people love each other,

they just live together
and let their love grow free

like wildflowers.

You call it wildflowers;
I call it wild oats!

Pack your things.
I'm taking you home!

You're not taking me anywhere.

I'm of age, and I'll do
whatever I damn well please.

Now, Kat, don't curse at your
father. I don't need anyone

to protect me from
my own daughter,

especially not her seducer!

Now, everybody just
hang loose for a minute!

Now, why don't
we all just sit back

and let the feathers settle.

Katherine, how about
a nice cool drink?

Uh, we're not old enough
to buy liquor, ma'am.

But we've got some
great muscatel.

Here, let me. I'm the host.

They're my parents.
I'll handle them.

Now, you just run
along to the library

and study for your finals. Go
to the library? Are you crazy?

You think I'm gonna run
out on you at a time like this?

But we're not
supposed to get involved

in each other's
personal affairs.

Look, this whole thing
has gone far enough.

I'm gonna do something...

How does one get... Just
plow right through, Mrs. Walker.

Kathy, your father
needs time to realize

today wasn't Pearl Harbor and he
doesn't have to mobilize the country.

So why don't you and
Timothy be our guests

at a quiet dinner somewhere

where everyone can unwind
and get to know the enemy?

Well-well, that's very
gracious of you, Mrs. Walker.

Isn't it, Kat?

We'd be delighted to
have dinner with you.

But will you please
let us take you out?

Probably be the first decent
meal they've had in a year.

Well, that'll make it easier

to talk them into a
nice, simple marriage if...

If what?

If you keep your foot out
of your mouth until dessert.

Edith, how could I ever live
without your charming wit?

Interesting idea.

And if we can show them
that we're doing okay,

that we really love each other,
maybe they'll see it our way.

That's clever, but, uh

where are we gonna
feed them on $5.85?

Mexicali Rose's?

Mexicali Rose's!

My father will get heartburn
just walking in the door.

This will stick to your ribs.

Vamos...

Looks like it's gonna
stick to the plate.

You know, Mexicans really are

the most incredibly,
uh, sturdy people.

Yes, they are, but...

they get so caught
up in their bureaucracy.

I mean, do you realize
that last semester,

when Tim and I went down there,

they actually made us
go through customs twice?

Mm, what a charming custom.

Aren't we a
civilized little group.

Sitting here chatting pleasantly

about my daughter's
trip with her gigolo.

I'm hardly a gigolo,
sir. I can't even dance.

I thought this was
going to be a nice dinner.

It is, dear.

And like nice people,

we're going to resolve
this dilemma in a nice way.

You're not going to break us up.

We wouldn't think of it.

You two are obviously
very much in love.

Yes, we are. Very much.

So all we need to send
everybody home smiling and happy

is for you two to make a
slight technical adjustment

and just, uh... Get married.

We'd rather die!

Marriage would stifle our love

by squeezing it out of
us like tax payments.

We swore never to get married.

Didn't we, Tim?

Yes, well, you see,
the idea behind that

was that we wanted to be free to love
voluntarily and not because we had to.

You mean the idea
was to have your laughs,

and then when you
got tired of each other,

to move on to greener pastures.

Just because you and Mother

took the safe, easy,
conventional way out...

Katherine! No, Miss Wiseacre,

we went through a
long, searching process

to discover what love was.

And after a lot of
give-and-take, we found it.

Do I have to get married just
to prove that I've found love?

No. What you have now

is one foot out the
door waiting to buzz off

the minute your wildflower gets

a little brown around the edges.

Oh, Mother,

how could you put up
with this all these years?

He's choking.

Dear, get some
water. Daddy! Help!

There's a remedy. Here.

Hold his head back.

Oh!

Oh. Oh, he's only
choking. He's all right.

There's even
enough left for coffee.

Good as new.

I told you I can
get them cleaned.

Well... that's lovely.

Yes.

Someday she'll make
someone a wonderful wife.

Well, I hate to sound rude,

but, um, I'm afraid
you'll both have to go.

Go?

Kat, nothing has been settled.

Well, do you want
to flunk your finals?

If you think We'll
settle it tomorrow.

I'm going to leave you two
alone in this apartment overnight,

you're crazier
than Mexicali Rose.

Oh, Daddy, you can't be serious.

And I'm going to
keep him company.

Oh, Mother.

Well, Tim, are you
going to let them do this?

Kat, if your parents want

to spend the night with us,

they're perfectly welcome.

Whose side are you on?

Look,

all you're going to accomplish
by these bully tactics

is to get Tim flunked.

Now take it easy, Kat.

I can study in the kitchen.

No, you can't.

You can't concentrate

when the refrigerator gurgles.

Katherine, why don't you,

your father and I bunk
down in the bedroom?

You do have one, don't you?

Are you kidding?

Then Tim could have this room

all to himself.

I don't know if you'll be very
comfortable, Mrs. Walker.

We've never had three
people in here before.

Well...

if it'll put you on
the dean's list,

we'll sleep standing up.

Come on, Owen,
let the boy study.

Now you take it easy, Kat.

I told you all of this
is going to turn out

for the best.

Best, what's gotten in to you?

How can you let
them make a mockery

out of our whole way of life?

If you'll just give me a chance,

I'll show you how.

Grinning and fawning

and ushering them
around, like a maître d'.

Well, what do you
expect me to do?

Kick them down the stairs?

But they're trying
to make us go back

on all our principles.

Well, some of them may
need a little going back on.

If all it takes is a
visit from my parents

to turn you into a
middle-class monster,

then perhaps this whole
idea was a big mistake.

Yeah?

Maybe it was.

Oh, that's really cruel.

Oh, now, Kat, you
don't know what I mean.

Well, I may not
understand Spanish,

but I certainly know

when someone is
trying to say adios!

If we get married, then we'll
be obligated to love each other.

No, dear, just obligated to try.

♪ To make love grow
out of that first hello ♪

♪ Is not a simple thing to do ♪

♪ You give your heart and
some kisses at the start ♪

♪ But love's more the
art of holding on to ♪

♪ Beyond romantic dreams ♪

♪ And childish
sweetheart schemes ♪

♪ Love waits for those to come ♪

♪ You trust and you forgive ♪

♪ You work to make love live ♪

♪ That's how it is
and that is why ♪

♪ Love will not grow
by wishing it were so ♪

♪ Love is the laughter
of your tears... ♪

Tim?

Tim, I can't sleep,
and it's all your fault.

Tim?

You didn't really
mean adios, did you?

Tim?

♪ Beyond romantic dreams ♪

♪ And childish
sweetheart schemes ♪

♪ Love waits for
those who can't ♪

♪ You trust and you forgive ♪

♪ You work to make love live ♪

♪ And that's how it
is and that is why ♪

♪ To make love grow
out of that first hello ♪

♪ Is not a simple thing to do ♪

♪ Love will not grow just
by wishing it were so ♪

♪ Love is the joy ♪

♪ Love is the joy ♪
♪ Love is the joy ♪

♪ Of your tears. ♪

She's gone.

They're both gone.

Oh, Lord.

Relax, Owen, they left the bed.

Oh, is it your back again?

No, it's my gluteus maximus.

Of course it's my back.

Sleeping all night, curled
up like a horseshoe.

Come on, we've
got to go find them.

Well, you're not going
to find them like that,

unless they left footprints.

Come on, let me help you get
your back straightened out. All right.

I suppose Katie ran away
because I was hard on her as usual.

Edith? Hmm?

I am right, aren't I?

Tim?

Katie!

Where have you been?

I can't find Tim anywhere.

He didn't come home all night.

And he wasn't at
any of his exams.

He's gone.

We chased him away.

Oh, baby.

Daddy, your back out again?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Come on. Let's get out of here.

There's way too much steam.

Yeah, how do you
turn this thing off?

Oh, Tim knows how to do it.

Oh, wonderful. Where is he?

Open the door.

That's funny. There's
no doorknob. No what?

He left without even
fixing the doorknob.

Does that mean
we're trapped in here?

Now don't get excited, Owen.

Someone is bound to come along.

At least I can breathe
through the keyhole.

Don't worry, Daddy.

This happens all the time.

Excuse me, Mother. Excuse me.

Mother, would you hand
me that hook behind you?

Oh...

Hi.

I finally got you
where I want you.

Tim, oh, Tim, where
have you been all night?

Roaming the
campus like a dropout.

And you didn't take your final.

Kat, how could I
possibly concentrate

on Brazilian coffee quotas

when my whole life might be
cracking up in front of my eyes?

Your life might not
be, but my makeup is.

Who do you got in there?

My parents.

Let us out!

Wait a minute.

What am I doing?

I don't want to let you out.

You're just going to run away.

I'd never run away from you.

You will, when you
see what a rat I've been

in keeping this a secret.

Keeping what a secret?

This customs declaration.

Oh, Tim, are you a smuggler?

Looks like Mexicali
Rose is his fence.

No, I'm not a smuggler.

Kat, remember in that
little town in Mexico

where we had to go through
customs a second time?

Well, that wasn't any customs.

Well, of course it was.

This little man made
you sign that paper,

declaring all our goods.

This is no declaration.

And that was no little man.

That was the city clerk.

And what he gabbled off
that you didn't understand

was "Dearly Beloved" in Spanish.

Kat, this is a
marriage certificate.

We've been legally married
for the last four months.

You fink!

Kat, I know I'm a
fink, but what can I do?

Marriage isn't
so terrible, dear.

It's people who
give it a bad name.

What difference does it make?

You're already the most
married couple I know.

♪ ♪

Kat?

Kat, I was scared.

I was scared in case we
had an argument like last night

and I'd lose you forever.

I couldn't sleep.

I couldn't study.

My grades were falling.

I had to do something.

But marriage will change me.

I'll turn into a wife.

No, you won't.

I knew I was married, and it
didn't make a husband out of me.

Kat, take this.

I've been keeping it
for you since Mexico.

I don't want to stifle our love.

If our love is strong,
Kat, it'll survive anything.

Even marriage.

Kat?

What's wrong?

Do you still love me?

Oh, Kat, I love you.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Love is all over the world.