Original subtitles

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you will see

three separate views of love, American style:

young love, anxious parents and the pill... the pill;

a pool hustler, a beautiful lady,

and the games they play; and our first story,

about a ring, an engagement, and a former marriage called:

♪ Found myself a friend, and the world looks fine ♪

♪ All my hang-ups gone or on the decline ♪

♪ Ain't it strange how you change ♪

When you start to intertwine ♪

♪ With someone divine? ♪

♪ Simpler forms of life did not have a sex ♪

♪ Isn't it a groove bein' more complex? ♪

♪ Yeah, for he and for she and for people everywhere ♪

♪ Better by the pair ♪

♪ Things that can happen when a girl meets a boy ♪

♪ Will blow your mind ♪

♪ Blow your mind ♪

♪ So cool it and enjoy ♪

♪ Find yourself a friend ♪

♪ And the world looks fine ♪ ♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ All your hang-ups gone or on the decline ♪

♪ Use your heart, do your part of the human race ♪

♪ Go on, go on, go on ♪

♪ Go on... ♪

Aggie.

How about, "Aggie, come in?"

Oh. Oh, yeah, of course, c-come in.

Hey... not bad.

Not bad.

Where's the bed?

Never mind the bed.

What are you doing in New York?

Well, the Central High School Glee Club is here

for a music festival, and I'm chaperoning.

That's wonderful.

Uh, look, it's, uh, certainly nice of you to drop by...

Wait a minute. I want to see the bed.

Aggie, I got custody of the bed!

Hey, still firm.

Yeah.

Okay, come on, you've seen the bed.

Hey, does it still make that funny noise when...?

How should I know?

Oh, come on, we've been divorced for two years.

Gary, do you mean to tell me that...?

Yes, yes, it still makes that same funny noise.

Well, what's the matter with you?

You feel a draft?

Maybe there's a door open?

Still Mr. Swell Fellow.

All right, I'm going.

But it's really...

been...

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, wow!

Oh!

Oh, ruined! Ruined!

No, no, not ruined.

A few third-degree burns, maybe, but no.

Oh, funny, that's funny.

What's your next joke?

Go-go-go... Go get the gauze and the ointment?

Ha-ha, that's good.

Oh, you're happy, aren't you?

Well, as a matter of fact, I do like my roast well done.

That's not your roast, that's for somebody else.

As a matter of fact, this dinner tonight is for my fiancée.

I am getting engaged with that roast.

Engaged? How can you do that?

Oh, what do you mean, how can I do that?

I mean...

Well, you don't even have a vegetable.

Oh. Yeah, well, thanks to you, I don't even have a...

What did you do to the roast?

I just cut off the burned parts.

You mean, it's okay? I can serve it like this?

Yeah, but is this dinner? Yes.

And she's going to be here in less than an hour,

so if you'll please excuse me...

But you don't even have a salad.

Yes, I do. It's in the refrigerator.

Okay, you finish getting dressed,

and I'll toss the salad.

Uh-uh, uh-uh, nope.

Nope, I'm going to toss it at the table.

And what, eat it off the floor?

Hey, what are y...?

You want to hang around, don't you, huh?

Want to see what she looks like, huh?

No, I want to hang around

and see you make an ass of yourself.

Why are you doing this, anyway?

Can't she cook? It was my idea.

Why not take her to a nice restaurant? Look...

it'll be my treat. All right, all right, all right.

Go ahead, fix the roast, toss the salad... You need a vegetable.

Do it, just be out of here before June arrives.

June? Agnes.

I suppose when you get married,

she'll want to get rid of the bed.

No. As a matter of fact, she likes it very much.

It's got to be a diamond.

Nobody could afford a zircon this small.

Well, you finished?

Well, come on, come on.

She'll be here any minute now.

Ah, uh, don't get excited. Uh...

Your voice will start cracking.

I'll just, uh, wash up and be on my way.

Gary, I'm sorry. I'm...

Oh, and I'm soapy, oh, and you're a mess.

All right, all right, where is it? Where's the ring?

Under the bubbles.

You're wearing her ring?

You've got no right! Take it off!

I'm trying.

You're trying?

Does it hurt? Yes.

Good.

Oh, brother, she's going to be here any minute.

Then why don't I go?

The glee club's waiting for me at the hotel.

They have to sing tonight.

You are not leaving here with this ring.

You got it on. Why won't it come off?

Because that's the way knuckles work.

It's freezing in here.

Yeah, well, it's-it's supposed to be cold.

Um, why is your tea kettle in the refrigerator?

Uh, because it's, uh...

Because it's quieter in there.

Come on.

Hmm, hot!

Right, cold to hot... Makes the metal expand,

or, contract, or is it hot to cold?

It's the doorbell. Oh, my God.

Where's the back door? There isn't any.

I know! Under the bed! No, not...

Oh! Not in the bedroom!

Um, um, um, the front closet. The, uh...

No!

Do you think she saw me?

Hiya, June.

Honey, I, uh...

Hello.

Uh, June, this is Aggie.

Aggie, this is June.

Uh, Aggie and I went to school together.

That's when we were married together.

Uh, well, yeah.

This is the Aggie, who, uh...

Well, you know... Old Aggie.

How do you do?

Gary, take her coat.

Oh, right.

Say, uh, honey, you, uh...

You can't imagine how surprised

I was when that doorbell rang,

and there was old Aggie.

Oh, that's the closet. Hmm.

I just came in town for the weekend.

Uh, well, I, uh, figured as long as she was here,

she might as well stay for dinner.

Tonight?

Oh. Oh, I'll be gone before you know it.

Well, look, uh, you two make yourselves comfortable,

and I'll go set another plate, and, uh...

Okay.

I just came by to see the bed.

The bed?

You know what's the matter with me?

I'm too sentimental. I mean, a bed's a bed,

right? You mean, that was your bed?

Well, we shared it.

Gary got custody, and I got the cat.

Two weeks later, the cat got pregnant.

Take my advice... Never settle for the pet.

Well, that's one thing I'm not going to worry about.

That's right. Why should you?

You're not even married yet.

Girls, time to eat.

I hope you enjoy my cooking.

Your cooking? But...

But I thought Gary... Gary?

No, but he does set a lovely table, doesn't he?

Let's see.

Now some wine.

Honey, uh... But...

Uh...

Let's see.

A toast to, uh...

The three of us.

How about out with the old, in with the new?

I'll drink to that.

I'll drink to anything.

Oh, oh, the heel of the roast... you remembered.

Remembered?

Oh, Gary, June isn't going to be upset

because you remembered I like the heel of the roast.

After all,

she knows we lived together for three years.

We were married.

Say, did Gary ever tell you why we... pftt?

Aggie, for crying out loud, this is an engagement party.

Well, it wouldn't be if we hadn't... pftt'ed!

Look, I'm sure that June isn't the least bit interested.

Are you, honey?

Well, I...

You see? She is interested.

Yes, I am.

Well, I don't have to sit here and listen to this.

That's right, you don't.

See, it was a question of honesty.

What?!

While... While Gary was getting his master's degree,

I was working his way through college.

Oh, now, wait a minute!

Now the plan was,

after he got his master's,

we'd both go back home and teach school.

Well, a man has a right to change his mind.

Yes, and did he change his mind.

Once he had the master's,

he wanted to come to New York

and become a famous writer.

So?

So, he wanted me to support him

until he could start selling his stories.

Well, what's the matter with that?

Well, I would have been working the rest of my life.

I mean, have you ever read any of his things?

He's probably the only writer who was ever rejected

by Jack and Jill because his stories lacked spunk.

Well, I'm certainly glad

Aggie had this chance to tell her side of the story.

She makes it perfectly clear that a-a-a marriage cannot exist

when-when-when a wife has

no faith or confidence in the husband's ability.

And-And a marriage certainly can't work

when a wife can't be honest

with her husband! Well, let's hear it.

Three cheers for honest Aggie!

Honest but wrong.

Does this look like I'm starving?

This is because after three months,

you gave up trying to be Hemingway

and went into the insurance business.

If I'd known you were going to sell out so fast,

I'd have come with you.

Sell out? Why you little... Stop it!

Stop it, both of you!

I did not come here this evening to meet your ex-wife,

or-or to hear your tales about a brass bed,

or to be bored by this little theater divorce court.

I came here to get engaged,

which is probably the reason you

showed up. What?

And I'm fast running out of patience.

Now, Gary, make up your mind... Is it on, or is it off?

It's on! All right, then.

Then let's do it. Where's the ring?

It's beautiful.

Thank you.

Gary... I would like to speak to you alone. You want to speak to me alone.

Home wrecker.

Me and my big knuckles.

All right, I want to know why you let her in this apartment,

why you let her stay for dinner,

and why you let her put on my ring!

Honey, I don't know why I let her in the apartment.

She-She put the ring on behind my back,

and I-I had to let her stay for dinner

because it's-it's stuck on her finger.

Stuck!? Oh, I'll bet. Yes.

Oh, you could get that ring off if you really wanted to.

Oh, honey, now, come on. You just don't care.

Don't. Don't start crying.

Well, believe me, she means nothing to me.

The ring... It just got stuck.

Look, I promise, I'll get it off if I have to amputate.

All right, Aggie, it's settled.

First thing in the morning, we'll go to the jeweler,

and have the ring cut off.

Oh, no, you are not cutting my ring!

Well, then how are we going to get it off?

A ring signifies eternal love.

You can't break it.

They can weld it together again.

What is that?! Eternal love with a lump in it?

Oh, no, nobody is going to cut my ring,

and especially off her finger!

Well, honey, she's only trying to help!

Oh, oh, so now you're defending the other woman!

Now wait a minute!

She's not the other woman!

She's the first woman.

Stop it, please!

And you stay out of this!

Don't tell me, I started it and now I'm stopping.

I'm not going to stand here and break up another marriage.

I'm leaving. Good, that's fine with me!

Not with my ring! Not with her ring!

You can't leave with that ring!

All right, then I'm going to bed. Good!

Gary!

Aggie! What are you going to do?

Wait here.

Are you kidding?

I'm not leaving until I can go.

Now what are you going to do?

Aggie, can I speak to you for a moment?

Sure.

Don't you dare.

Don't you tell me don't you dare.

I'm trying to get your ring back.

Oh, not on that bed you're not.

Well, we've tried everything else.

Who else were you expecting?

Maybe it's Nancy Crier.

Who? Who?

We were in kindergarten together.

She's the first girl I ever kissed.

Yes?

I'm Lyle Patterson,

and this is the Central Union High School Glee Club.

Ah.

Okay, there you go.

No, I think you're making a mistake.

Are you Mr. Gary Holmes?

Yes.

Well, isn't there an Agnes Richmond here?

Aggie?

Oh, that glee club.

Come on in! Oh.

All of you.

This is it, come on in, boys and girls.

That's it, over there, go over there in the...

fine, that's fine,

that's it, boys and girls.

Okay, now just get back there, don't...

just stand there.

Don't touch anything or each other.

Where's Agnes?

She's in the bedroom.

Oh, it's all right, Lyle.

I was just resting.

Agnes, where have you been?

We've been waiting at the hotel for over an hour.

It was my fault, really.

I insisted that she stay.

Well, we have a dress rehearsal tonight

and tomorrow is the semifinal.

Lyle, you're upset.

Yes, yes, I'm ups...

You know what I went through

trying to get eight people and myself into one taxi?

And then the dr... the driver insisted that

that Wilma sit up front with him!

I don't like it, I don't like it at all.

Why weren't you there?

What are you doing here with, with Mr. Ex, anyway?

Lyle, you don't understand.

See, Gary and June are getting engaged tonight.

Oh, well, congratulations.

I didn't, I should have known.

Well, uh, uh, don't go away,

I've got an idea.

Okay, we're going to do number 12.

♪ The girl of my dreams ♪

♪ Is the sweetest girl ♪

♪ Of all the girls ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ Each sweet co-ed... ♪

All right, Gary Holmes,

what are you going to do about this?

What do you want me to do? Sing along?

I want you to get my ring back!

I'll get your ring back as soon as these people leave.

Oh, really, and how are you going to do that?

You can't get it off her finger!

Then I'll buy you a new one. I want my ring!

Aggie, will you please get these people out of here?

Uh, you let them in, you throw them out.

Gary? Huh?

I am asking you one last time.

What are you going to do?

I don't know what I'm going to do

but I do know that I'm getting sick and tired

of you asking me what I'm going to do.

Well, I don't have to just stand here

and watch you do nothing every time

I ask you what you're going to do.

I am doing everything I can!

What would you do?

You're the man. Oh,

that's easy for you to say.

Is it? What do you mean by that?

I mean I'm sick and tired

of hanging around like a dog begging for a bone.

Where are you going?

♪ ...sweetheart of... ♪

If you decide you would like to get engaged,

then give me a ring!

♪ Sigma Chi... ♪

Oh, that was...

Where, where did she go?

She left, she walked out.

On "The Sweetheart of Sigma Chi"?

I guess you've got that same happy feeling now...

that pleasant glow that comes over you

every time you screw up my life!

Gary, I know it looks bad...

Looks bad? Now just a minute, Mr. Holmes.

You're not going to talk to Agnes

in that tone of voice. Why not?

She's my ex-wife.

Well, she happens to be my best girl.

Well, then how come she's wearing my ring?

Well, why is that, Agnes?

Lyle, it's nothing but a misunderstanding.

A misunderstanding?

Or a triangle.

What? Yes, one of those perverted love things.

Oh, I've read all about them...

All right, all right, boys and girls,

in the room, in... out, get out.

You boys practice your singing,

and Wilma, work,

work on your whistle.

Lyle, that's the bedroom.

Good Lord, everywhere you turn.

All right, out, out, come on, out of the bedroom!

Out, get out of this.

Out! Out!

Out of the room, get out of the building!

Out, quick, quick, quick, hurry!

Out!

Well, Agnes, are you coming with us?

Lyle, I can't, you see, the problem is...

Spare me the sordid details.

I feel sorry for you, but I am not going

to contaminate those children with this seamy setting.

You'll just have to take care of this

yourself.

Oh, and if you want to join us,

we'll be practicing at the hotel

in the Eli Whitney room.

The ring! Gary, no!

Give me the ring!

The ring!

Gary, let me up.

No, Gary. Give me the ring.

Gary, I'm sorry. You ruined my life!

Gary, it's me, it's Agnes!

Please, give me the ring. It's your ex-wife!

Oh, Aggie, Aggie, I'm sorry.

This whole thing is driving me crazy.

Gary, I've never seen you like this before.

I've never been this way before. Oh?

How do you like it? Aggie, don't start.

Sorry. It's okay.

Gary? What?

We've got to get this ring off,

for both our sakes. We tried.

We tried, we really did try, didn't we?

Yes. Gary? What?

If we can't get it off,

there must be somebody who can.

Like who? I don't...

Like... like...

A plumber?

A plumber?

A plumber?

If you want a ring cut off,

why you call a plumber?

Because jewelers don't make house calls.

Oh, yeah.

Well, let me see.

Hey, isn't this your engagement ring?

Uh, well, yes,

it's an engagement ring.

Mmm...

I don't think I better cut it off.

Why? Is it dangerous?

Some people think so.

What do you mean?

Well, you see, a ring signifies eternal love.

Yeah, we know, we know.

Have you tried graphite?

Uh, no, but we put my hand in the freezer.

Well, why don't I try the graphite?

That is, if you don't mind, um, $15 an hour.

Ah, I'll do it on my own time.

Sit down, lady.

$15, more or less, you know.

Say, uh, Aggie,

uh, you're not going to get in any trouble

back at school, are you?

Oh, don't worry, I can handle Lyle.

That's right, I forgot, you're his best girl.

No, his mother's his best girl.

Hey, you still angry with me?

No, I don't know, I guess not.

And you shouldn't be angry with June, either.

I mean, she does have a right to be upset.

Don't worry about June, I can handle her.

Oh-ho!

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, come on, Gary.

I saw how you handle June.

Why can't you ever admit you're not perfect?

Because you're always around to do it for me.

Gary, what I said before was the truth.

When we were married, you weren't honest with me,

and you got upset when I was honest with you.

Honesty?

You know, I'm sick of hearing

about you and your honesty.

There are more important things than the truth.

Yeah, l-like people's feelings.

If you'd thought about my feelings

and come to New York with me,

we would have never gotten divorced.

Well, sure, but that's because you...

You're right, you're right. I sold out.

How's that for honesty?

Well, it's a start.

And if you'd have been with me,

we could have sold out together.

Yes, but if I had come,

and you'd given up your writing,

you might have always blamed it on me.

I guess it really is better this way.

What's better this way?

Hey, wait a minute.

Why did you come here tonight?

I told you, to see the bed.

Agnes Richmond, for the first time since I've known you,

you aren't being honest.

All right.

I came here because I realized that I still love you,

and to see if you still love me.

But then when I found out about June...

You tried to break it up?

No, I didn't.

Well, maybe a little at first,

but then I just wanted to get out.

And the ring?

Well, I just wanted to remember for a minute.

Oh, wow, this is ridiculous.

I mean, how can we feel that way about one another?

We're divorced! It's not ridiculous for me.

I don't know how you feel.

Well, I'll tell you how I feel. I feel...

Guilty?

No, not guilty, uh...

Well, I don't know what I feel.

I-I can't explain it.

Gary, I'm not asking you to feel anything.

As soon as this gentleman

gets the ring off my finger,

I'm getting up and leaving,

and you'll never see me again.

So there's no reason to be upset.

But I am upset!

Sure. Why?

Well...

Well, because, uh,

because I don't want you to go.

Because...

damn it, I love you.

Oh, Gary.

Oh, wow, what am I going to do?

I mean, what am I going to do about June?

I'm in love with her.

I mean, I-I-I I was in love with her.

Now I'm not in love with her,

but, uh, well, I...

I don't want to hurt her feelings.

Well, isn't it better I showed up today

than on your fifth wedding anniversary?

Well, uh...

Well, ain't it?

I guess you're right.

I guess you're both right.

Folks, this ring ain't coming off.

I'll drink to that.

I'll drink to anything.

♪ ♪

400... 20...

30... 40...

50... 60... 70...

80... 85...

90.

$500.

That's a lot of money to bet on one pool game.

Not if you gonna win.

Your man ain't even here.

Big Red ain't here either.

He will be,

with this kind of money around.

Let me ask you a question. What?

Where did you find this Mr. Wonderful

that you think can beat Big Red?

What's the difference?

Now you just hold on to that money,

stay in plain sight, so I can collect

when the game is over.

All right.

Oh, baby, my man!

Hey! No time to tap it?

It's all right, it's all right.

It's all right. It's all right.

Say there, Roscoe. Did the pigeon show up yet?

No.

And if the pigeon does,

he just might turn out to be a hawk.

Yeah? Well, here's $500

that says your hawk done turned into a chicken.

Yeah? Well, here's $20 that says

that Big Red is going to be a dead duck.

Yeah, well, here's your 20 and another 30

that says your goose is cooked, turkey.

Now, who's holding the money?

Little Willie.

Yeah, well, who's watching Little Willie?

I am.

Well, watch him close.

You remember what happened the last time

Little Willie held the money.

Whoo!

This is it, honey.

This is my place of business.

This is where I make my living, you know?

I guess you could call me something like a doctor.

Yeah, this is my operating room.

This is my operating table.

And this is my scalpel.

Would you send in the patient, please?

I'm ready to remove his bankroll.

Whoo!

Where's the patient?

It's three minutes to 8:00.

Maybe he's suffering from jaundice of the spine. Mmm!

The only thing my man is suffering from

is the quickening of the senses.

Yeah? Well, I'm going

to give him five minutes

and if he don't show, I take the dough.

Go, Red, go.

Uh, excuse me, y'all.

Uh, this is a little something that I met

coming out of the beauty parlor next door.

What's your name again, honey?

Mercy. Mercy.

Mercy!

Mercy, Mercy! Whoo!

You told me that before.

Fox, ain't she? Fox. Ain't she, though?

Well, you're going to have a treat tonight, mama.

'Cause you're going to see the internationally known,

the world famous Big Red, play a big-time pool game,

for some big-time stakes. Hello.

You haven't seen anybody shoot pool before?

No. Ooh, well, you're in for a treat.

I play the game for fortune and fame.

Big Red is my name.

Watch out, I'm going to give you a little demonstration.

Ooh! Whoo-hoo!

Big Red, do your thing.

Was that supposed to happen?

Anything Big Red does is supposed to happen.

There ain't no accidents when Big Red shoots pool.

Ain't that right, fellas?

That's right.

My man's cool, ain't he?

Playing for almost $600 to fool around with a chick.

Did I hear somebody say "almost $600"?

Well, I don't want to play for almost $600.

Let's make it exactly $600.

That okay with you, Roscoe?

My man concurs.

His man concurs. Whoo!

Uh, while we waiting, while we waiting,

watch this, honey.

See this bunch of balls sitting here?

Uh-huh. Okay, now watch this.

Watch this.

His man concurs.

Say, what you gonna do there?

Say, uh, just a minute.

Uh, why don't we make a little arrangement?

Uh, you give me a kiss for each ball I sink.

Come on.

Well, I don't know about that.

Oh, come on, now, be a sport.

Now, I can't do my best unless there's something on the line.

Well, all right.

You go, Red, there it is. Watch this!

Go on, Red, do it.

Do it, do it, do it.

Ooh! Look out.

That's six kisses you owe me.

I think you got a bad bet, Roscoe.

Why don't you call it off?

I think if you ask Red, he'll let you off the hook.

Mm-mm, I like it fine on this hook.

But your man ain't here.

You're liable to get hung on that hook.

I know it, but when he get here,

the worm on the hook will turn.

Okay, now, now take it back slow and easy.

Just take your time.

Relax now, you're too tight.

But I don't know how.

That's why I'm showing you, mama.

Okay. Now...

Oh! I made it! That wasn't hard, was it?

Okay, okay.

Now, you shoot one yourself, right? Okay.

Uh-huh, okay. Yeah. Now, that's

an easy one... that four ball... that's an easy one.

That four ball right in the corner there?

Knock it right in that corner pocket. Okay.

Take your time now.

Boy, I hope I get another one in. And I hope...

I missed it, I missed...

Oh, I got one in, I got one in.

You sure did! I got one in!

Okay, okay, now, now... sink the cue ball.

Well, which one is the cue ball?

Pardon the expression, it's the white one.

Okay.

Oh, I missed it.

That's all right, that's all right.

Okay, here, okay.

Now, sink that one.

Dead in the corner pocket.

Go ahead, sink that one.

Hey, man, why don't you give the lady an easier shot?

She's doing all right.

She's got the form, ain't she?

Oh, I did it all wrong.

That's all right, mama, you're getting the hang of it.

Say there, Roscoe.

It's 8:02.

If he's not here in two minutes,

the teacher going to have to mark him absent.

Hey, Red, don't you dismiss the class too early.

'Cause you just might have a couple of lessons to learn.

Yeah? Well, who going to teach old PhD?

That stands for "pool-hustling daddy."

You heard what I said, didn't you, Roscoe?

If he's not here in two, he's through,

and that also go for you.

Oh, he'll be here, baby.

Rack 'em up, Ace.

Every day...

every day.

While we're waiting, mama, why don't you and I

play for a little higher stakes?

Higher stakes?

Like what, Big Red?

How about a little winner's choice?

Winner's choice? Like... like what?

I'll think of something.

Come on.

Roscoe, you've only got two more minutes.

Then I'm going to give Red all that money.

Man, why don't you pull yourself together?

You ain't got a dime on that game.

I know!

But I can't stand losing all that money,

even if it's yours.

Now, we'll just play to 50 points, okay?

Now you break.

There you go, mama.

What do I do?

Well, you just hit that cue ball

into that bunch of balls down there

and try to knock in as many as you can.

Okay, I'll try.

♪ ♪

Is she your man?

Yes, she is my man.

Excuse me.

Hey, is that Roscoe's man?

How'd you like a shot in the mouth?

Hey, man, go on and shoot your game.

I got some bread going on the game

and you acting crazy. Losing my money

and you're standing around fat mouthing.

Hey, Ace, rack 'em up again!

♪ ♪

Mercy ain't showing Big Red no mercy.

She sure ain't!

50 points, Red.

50 points.

Well, here you are, ma'am, $1,200.

It's all yours.

Now, you can count it if you want to.

No need to.

It feels right.

Roscoe, here's your cut.

Thank you.

$300.

Thank you, Mercy. Much obliged.

You know, I almost had more fun watching than winning.

Hey, Red,

I hope you learned a lesson,

that there is no slicker like an old slicker.

You're right, Roscoe, I-I did learn something.

That was beautiful shooting, mama.

Thank you, Red.

But, um, what about our side bet?

Well, what side bet?

Well, as I recall, it was winner's choice.

Oh, yeah, uh... winner's choice.

Well, I choose a night out on the town.

And since I got the money, I'll buy.

Well, I'll go along with that.

I'll go along with... and if I recall,

there was another little bet

that hasn't been paid off yet, either.

What was that?

The six kisses.

I never collected those, remember?

Well, the night is young and, uh...

who knows what might happen later?

Yeah, that's something to think about.

Watch out, y'all.

Big Red is coming through.

That Red, you know,

even when he loses, he wins.

Hi.

Pucker up.

Come on, please, pucker up.

Oh, perfect.

Will you please inflate my beach ball?

♪ ♪

Bert, what's a swinger tour?

A three-letter word for "in the groove."

Ends in a "P."

"Hip." What's a swinger tour?

A swinger tour? Oh.

It's probably the name of the guy that runs it, like, um...

Sidney Swinger.

The guy that runs it's named Pregison.

Swinger is the tour our daughter Kim is taking to Europe.

Hmm. Now listen.

"Bachelors and bachelorettes,

"enjoy a wild, free-swinging, no-holds-barred tour

"of the sinful, wicked, fun capitals

"of the world.

Anything goes on this foreign frenzy of frivolous frolic."

Now, Bert, what do you think of that?

Sounds great.

A five-letter word for garbage.

Bert.

No, that's four letters.

Bert, I'm talking

to you.

I don't like it.

I'm worried.

About what?

Well, about Kim going on this trip.

Oh, honey, for heaven's sake, Kim is not a kid anymore.

She's, uh, she's almost 18.

That's what worries me.

Anyway, she won't be going alone.

Denny's taking the trip, too.

He'll take care of her.

Well, that worries me even more.

Denny?!

Oh, my. They...

They've been going together now for almost two years.

And what do you suppose

they've been doing all that time?

I suppose they do the usual things that young people do.

Oh, Bert, you're so naive. What...

Don't you read, uh, well, Ladies Home Journal?

Cosmopolitan?

Did you read last month's Garden Beautiful?

I haven't read any month's Garden Beautiful.

Well, I can tell you what it's about in one word: sex.

S-E-X.

Hey, I think that's the one I need for 22 across.

Bert, put down that puzzle.

Now, our daughter is heading for trouble.

Oh, not our little girl.

Oh, why not?

Honey, Kim is just a kid.

She's not even 18.

Bert, don't you realize what's going on in the world?

On our very own block?

Now, you know Mrs. Bergen.

You know her daughter Linda.

Oh, the little, uh, blonde kid on the blue bicycle.

Bert, she hasn't been on a bicycle for years.

She has a boyfriend now with a Volkswagen,

and Bert, she's only 16.

Well, so what?

So this.

Every morning before Linda gets up, her mother mashes up a pill

and stirs it into Linda's orange juice.

W-What kind of pill?

The pill.

The pill.

Well, that is disgusting.

That is disgusting.

No, it's like, like insurance.

Are you suggesting that we mash up or, uh, slip a pill

into-to, um, Kim's orange juice?

Well, I... I have given it some thought.

Oh, listen, why can't you just be honest with her?

For heaven's sa...

why can't you just come right out a-and, and ask her?

Well, ask her what?

Ask her if she intends to g...

Sure, sure.

You're her mother.

How can I ask her that?

Besides, how could she know?

She could go not intending and come back... expecting.

Oh, what are you talking about?

A kid under 18?

You know when she'll be 18?

On June 27.

That's right,

and you know where they'll be on June 27?

Where?

In gay Paris.

Holy smoke.

What do you think they're going to do on her birthday?

Watch French television?

No.

They'll go to some hot show like, like the Folies Bergère,

where that sawed-off painter used to go.

Then they'll, they'll tank up on that...

French champagne.

Then he'll take her back to the hotel.

Do you think he'll be satisfied

to just kiss her good night

with no parents upstairs waiting?

I'll kill him.

That's what I'll do, I'll kill him.

Now, Bert, I'm not saying that he's not a nice boy,

but let's face it, he's only human.

Listen, would you like to go along on the trip

a-and slip the pill into her orange juice?

I don't know if they even have orange juice there.

All they drink is, is wine.

Wine?

The poor kid doesn't stand a chance.

The point is: No matter what she drinks,

who's going to get the pill into it?

Why not ask her boyfriend to do it?

Yes.

Yes.

Now, for the first time, you're thinking.

Helen, you can't be serious.

Well, of course.

We could pretend that it was, um,

well, some vitamin that Kim's taking.

We could make up a little story and,

well, we could talk him into it.

Yeah, okay, okay.

Uh, ask him over.

Oh, thanks, Bert.

I knew you'd see it my way.

What?

Well, he should be here any moment now.

You mean tonight?

Well, I asked him at 8:00.

It's, it's 8:00.

There he is now, right on the dot.

Good evening, Dennis.

Good evening, Mrs. Parker.

Good evening, Mr. Parker.

Hi.

Uh, would you care for some fruit?

Oh, no.

Or a glass of milk with some cookies?

No, no, thanks, I just ate.

How about a slug of wine?

Bert.

I don't drink wine.

Thanks anyway.

Well, my goodness, there's...

there's no reason to be so stiff, Dennis,

just because Kim isn't around.

Well, sit down, relax.

Uh... maybe, maybe you'd be more comfortable in the armchair.

That is my ch...

I suppose we're all a little bit edgy over this trip.

It's the, uh,

it's the first time Kim will have been away from home.

Well, you don't need to worry, Mrs. Parker.

I'll take good care of her.

I'm sure you will, Dennis,

but, well... we, uh,

we have this problem.

Uh, I suppose the best way is to take the bull by the horns.

You see these pills, Dennis?

Well, they're a sort of vitamin.

Yes, yes, that's it.

And the reason we asked you over...

Well, we don't want Kim to know.

There's no reason to alarm her. No.

But she has this sort of, uh, well, a blood deficiency.

Mm.

It's nothing serious, you understand.

It's just something that sort of, uh, runs

in my husband's side of the family.

Anyway, she's perfectly normal as long as she gets the pill.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, one daily, usually.

Well, the instructions are all there.

All you have to do is

to slip it into her drink without her knowing it.

I'm sure you'll be able to manage.

I've been doing it for years.

You've been doing it for year...?

Mrs. Parker, I just happen to know what those pills are.

You do?

How come?

My mother takes them.

And she's not suffering from any rare blood disease.

Oh, listen...

why must we beat around the bush like this?

Why can't we discuss this openly and frankly

like modern people?

Living in a modern world.

Yeah. Don't help me.

All right, Dennis, so now you know.

The situation i-is self-explanatory.

Well, not to me it isn't.

You've actually been slipping those pills into her...

No, she hasn't.

As long as you and Kim were here in this country,

she didn't think it was necessary.

Why not?

Babies get born in this country, too.

Are you implying

that there may be, uh, a reason to anticipate...

I'm not implying anything.

You're sure that you haven't done anything t-to, to...

No, we haven't.

Come on, don't give us that.

Look, we, we read Esquire and Look.

I even read Reader's Digest.

And we've seen Good-bye, Columbus.

Yeah.

I don't care what you've seen or read.

I'm telling you we haven't done anything wrong.

How come?

How come?

I mean...

Oh, my heavens, she hasn't any hang-ups?

I, I mean, she's, uh... normal, isn't she?

It w-wouldn't be your fault.

Oh, Dennis,

you seem like such a nice, normal boy.

Wow, you're...

Now, Dennis, please, let's, let's try to keep calm.

It's not easy to bridge the generation gap,

but Mrs. Parker and I here are willing

to take the broad-minded, modern view.

We realize that, uh, moral standards have, have changed.

Are you trying to say it's all right?

All right for what, Dennis?

All right for Kim and I to...

No!

Of course not, of course not.

What in the world ever gave you that idea?

Well, you sure seem to be setting us up for it,

telling me how modern you are

and you providing us with the pill.

No, no, you don't get the idea.

We're, we're trying to, to, to protect you... well, uh, both of you.

Look.

Now, you and Kim have read this,

uh, swinger tour, all about this, right?

Now, don't tell me that that didn't give you any ideas.

Well, sure, it gave us ideas.

We have ideas all the time,

but nothing is going to happen,

at least not the kind of thing you're talking about.

That's easy to say,

that's very easy to say.

The question is... why not?

That's the question?

That is the question.

The whole question?

The total question.

All right, then, I'll give you the answer.

It's just the way we happen to feel about it.

That's all.

How long have you, uh, have you felt this way?

Ever since we've known each other.

Oh, my.

Kim should be, uh, getting back soon.

Oh, please, stay, Dennis.

She'll be so happy to see you.

Yes.

If you don't mind, I'd... I'd rather not tonight.

I feel kind of funny.

Well, all right, Dennis.

I'm sorry.

If you'd rather go...

I really would.

Good night, Mr. Parker.

Oh, yes, good night. Good night.

Good night, Dennis.

You know, that's the trouble with kids today.

What?

Parents.

♪ ♪

And that's all that's preventing us

from getting married?

Yes.

Okay, okay, we'll bring the kids up Jewish.

Why don't you kiss me like that?

Oh, that was great!

I'm Fern Gordon.

Lamar Neddleman.

Nice to meet you.