Original subtitles

What are you doing?

I'm waiting for my ship to come in.

? Love, love ?

? Love, love ?

? Love, American Style ?

? Truer than the red, white and blue ?

? Love, American Style ?

? That's me and you ?

? And on a star-spangled night, my love ?

? You can rest ?

? You can rest your head on my shoulder ?

? Or by the dawn's early light, my love ?

? I will defend ?

? I will defend your right to try ?

? Love, American Style ?

? That's me and you. ?

Tonight, you will see

three separate views of love, American style:

A husband who's so busy looking

he forgets to keep an eye out for his wife,

the collision of an irresistible force

with a very movable object,

and our first story about the key to a successful honeymoon,

which we call:

Let's go.

Oh, what a fascinating store.

Honey, what a time to look at antiques.

Sweetheart, our room won't be ready for 20 minutes.

The most important moment of our life,

and we have to wait until the honeymoon suite's ready.

Darling, we've got a whole lifetime ahead of us.

Unless there's an earthquake in the next 20 minutes.

Oh, you stop that.

Help you?

Oh, no, thank you.

We're just looking at all the lovely things.

Help yourself.

Oh, thank you.

How do you hook this thing on here?

Can't.

Why not?

It ain't a sword belt,

it's a Crusader belt.

Oh.

What did the Crusaders use it for?

They didn't, their wives did.

Wives?

Why would a woman need a big heavy metal belt like...

This isn't one of those, uh...

Sure is. Really?

Those poor Crusader wives.

Germans called them Kreuscheidt girdle.

Think what the wives called them.

This is, uh... it's very sturdy.

Had to be.

Some long wars in them days.

And I'm worried about 20 minutes.

This is the last thing I need right now.

It's, uh... it's stuck or something.

T'ain't stuck.

Well, something's holding it.

It's locked. Locked?

Well, if you'll just give me the key...

Ain't no key.

Ain't no key?

Had a key I'd be getting more than $400 for it.

How do I get out of it?

The wives waited till their man come home from the Crusades.

I don't have a man coming home from the Crusades.

I know.

I guess you bought it.

Bought it?

You seen the signs.

If you bust it, you bought it.

Well, now wait, I haven't busted it.

No, but you ain't out of it either.

Well, don't worry, I'll get out of it.

Be making up the bill, if you need me.

The room should be ready.

Room should be ready?

I'll race you.

You run on up.

Me? Yeah.

Just me? Well, yeah, unpack,

take a bath, fix your hair, order cocktails,

you know, do what brides do.

Honey, what's the matter?

Nothing, it's just...

I'm a prisoner of love.

What?

Sweetheart!

Well, don't you want to?

Yeah, of course I want to.

Whee!

It's an old war injury.

What's the matter?

Get rid of him.

There you are.

Thank you very much.

Thank you and, bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Oh.

What happened?

It pinched me. My back.

What are we going to do?

We're going to get it off, that's what we're going to do.

I love you so much.

That doesn't make it any easier.

Now let's see...

police department, fire department...

I got it.

Mm-hmm.

Says it's a war injury.

You mean he's got a wooden leg?

No, more like a tin leg.

Desk.

A what?

Yes, ma'am, right away.

It's her.

What'd she want?

A locksmith.

A locksmith?

A locksmith.

Hmm.

If men could have trusted their wives,

they never would have had to make these things.

Nothing personal.

Where is it?

What?

The luggage that won't open.

Happens all the time. Oh, no.

No, it isn't the luggage.

Closet.

No, it's not the closet.

Bathroom?

Mm-hmm, what'd you do, lock yourself in?

Yes... I mean, no.

Do you mind? May I?

We'll get these back to you

as soon as we get through with them.

And thank you very much. Bye.

Honey...?

Locked himself in the bathroom?

Seems like.

Hmm, scared most like.

She's a fighter.

Going right in there after him.

She's a fighter.

Well?

It's no use.

The only locksmith in town

is away on a three-day fishing trip.

I wonder how much it costs to fly him in.

Better still, why don't we fly you out...

To Boston!

I can't get on a plane wearing this thing!

Let's be calm. I am calm.

The trouble is, there's just no give. It's rusty.

If I just had something to make it slippery.

Won't believe this.

I'll take that.

No trouble at all, ma'am.

Do you mind?

Say, you folks are the honeymoon couple, ain't ya?

That's right.

Ain't nothing wrong, is there?

No, it's just that my husband is a little rusty.

Rusty.

That's what she said.

It's no good.

I know.

Why don't you do what any woman does

when she gets a ring stuck on her finger?

Darling, no luck?

No luck.

We've got to do something fast.

I'm beginning to rust.

Well, why don't you just give it one big yank?

The trouble is I got no leverage.

You do it. Me?

Hurry up. I'll hang on, you'll pull.

Pull!

I am pulling!

Coming...!

Harder, I think it's coming.

Ow!

Don't fight me.

I am not fighting you.

Listen, if you don't relax, it's not going to work.

All right, pull.

It's slippery.

Now look what you've done.

I thought you said come in.

More soap.

Compliments of the house.

That's right.

And she managed to get the door open

and she was a-draggi" him out the bathroom

and him hanging on to the basin

yelling for dear life.

Scared, that's what he is, scared.

Desk.

Oh, yes, ma'am.

It's her.

Yes, ma'am.

A what?

Yes, ma'am, right away.

What'd she want?

A hacksaw.

Can't figure it out,

unless he's got himself handcuffed to that old sink.

One thing I'll say for her, though, she's a fighter.

Oh, she's a fighter.

Say, lady, it's none of my business...

You're right, it isn't.

No, April, not that.

Darling, it's the only way.

No, honey, please.

Sweetheart, you don't have to worry.

I'll be very careful.

After all, I don't want anything to happen

any more than you do. It's not that.

Honey, if we saw it off, they won't take it back.

$400 down the drain just like that.

$400.

That's right, $400.

You do understand, don't you?

Oh, I understand all right.

What's that supposed to mean?

You took the same course in psychology that I took.

You know perfectly well what it means.

Tell me.

As Freud says,

nothing ever happens by accident.

Are you suggesting...?

Well, who put the thing on in the first place?

April?

And think what it is.

I mean, just think what it's called.

Don't you see anything significant in that?

You mean you actually think...

Oh, let's be honest, Steve.

Are you afraid of me?

Afraid of you?

Because if you've got any problems

you'd better tell me right now.

Listen, you ought to be afraid of me. Why?

Because I'm about to bust you right in the mouth.

Steve... So much for Freud.

Now, we've got to think.

How do we get this off without busting it?

Houdini.

Houdini?

Darling, that's all he did his whole life

was escape from things.

Sure, jails, handcuffs,

coffins, chained and thrown into the sea.

Kid stuff.

Houdini never had to escape from anything like this.

But the principle is the same.

Do you know how he did it?

Relaxation.

He just sort of let his muscles go like jelly.

You know, all limp and sort of slithered out of things.

April, that takes years of practice.

We'll call a doctor and get him to give you a shot.

Something to make you go all...

Temporarily.

Desk.

It's them.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, yes, ma'am. Right away.

What'd they want now?

A doctor.

I think she's hurt him.

She's a tiger.

Well, if he can't handle her,

he shouldn't have married her in the first place.

That's what I say.

Can't handle her.

Mrs. Knapp, I want you to feel perfectly comfortable with me.

Now how long has it been

since your husband locked himself in the bathroom.

Oh, Doctor, you don't understand.

You don't have to pretend with me.

The bellboy told me.

Oh, listen, Doctor, you really don't understand.

Hello, Doctor.

Oh, hello...

Oh.

Did you, um...

injure yourself in some athletic event at school?

No, Doctor.

No?

Good heavens, is that a... a...?

I mean... is that a...?

Yes.

I think you need professional help.

I'm sorry, it won't work.

What about Houdini?

I can relax his muscles all right,

but I can't collapse his bones.

Here, take one or two of these.

What are they? A sedative.

Will that get him out of the belt?

No, but it'll give me a chance to think.

Oh, yes, yes, I've got it. That's it.

A locksmith, that's the answer.

We tried, Doctor, he's out of town.

I know, but his father's here and that's even better.

He's an old locksmith and that's an old lock.

Don't just sit there, Doctor, give him a call, please.

Well, well, well.

We haven't had a case like this in...

As a matter of fact, we've never had a case like this.

Mr. Wharton, I didn't know what it was

and when I put the thing on... Oh, please, please, please, please, please.

Just one at a time.

Mr. Wharton, this is our wedding night

and my husband is locked up.

Can you help me?

She means can you help us.

That's a very artistic piece of workmanship, young man.

Do you mind if I examine it?

To your heart's content, but after I'm out of it, please.

It's a very interesting inscription.

Yes, it may afford us a clue.

What does it say?

Well, translated it says "make war not love."

You know, there's a very marvelous story

they tell about King Arthur.

He was going off to the war,

so he locked Guinevere up in one of those things,

and then he tried to think of someone

he could give the key to.

In case of an emergency.

And he thought and he thought.

And he finally decided

that the only one of the knights at the Round Table

that he could give it to was Sir Lancelot.

Then King Arthur left for the wars

and he hadn't gotten any further than the bottom of the hill,

when Sir Lancelot came galloping after him,

waving his arms and yelling, "Your majesty! Your majesty!

You gave me the wrong key!"

Mr. Wharton, can't you do something?

Do something?

To get him out of it.

Oh, you want to get him out of it?

Yes! Yes!

Why didn't you say so?

Of course I can do something.

Now just a minute.

Stand right there.

Stand right there, understand?

And don't move. Don't move.

Now then, one, two, three.

How?

Just tell me how.

It's very simple.

In those days the rich women used to bribe the locksmiths

to put in an escape latch.

Yes, indeed.

Locksmiths really swung in them days.

Darling, close your eyes now

and don't open them until I tell you, okay?

Okay, you can open them now.

Steve?

I said you can open them now.

Steve!

April, I'm sorry, honey.

I just can't stay awake.

Darling, wake up! Steve!

Oh, I can't, honey. I'm just too tired.

Those pills.

Steve! Steve!

A penny for your thoughts, Lamar.

Okay.

Oh, come on in.

Oh, I'm sorry to put you through all the trouble

of seeing me home, but there's been

so many burglaries in this building lately.

That's all right, I was glad to do it.

After all, you were nice enough

to stay and work late at the office.

Oh, I enjoy working late... with you.

Well... ditto.

Well, I guess everything is A-OK then.

Oh, don't go.

I want you to come in the bedroom.

Yeah?

It won't take long.

Yeah?

All clear. No prowlers.

Right.

Well, don't you want to take your hat off? Well...

I've got the best roast beef. No, I...

Oh, come on, let me make you a sandwich.

No, no, no, really.

It's delicious. I don't want anything.

But you didn't have any supper, you've got to be starved.

No, no, I'm not. I'm not hungry.

I never eat. I never eat. Isn't that funny?

When I get home anyway,

my wife will probably have something for me.

She usually does, always.

Oh, I met your wife last week in the office, remember?

Oh?

Yes, yes, I do.

Yes, that was her. Yeah.

Pretty good looking woman, isn't she?

Oh, yeah. Well, she's no...

but she's uh, she's a wonderful person.

She really is.

We've been married 14 years.

14 years! Yeah, yeah.

Oh, wow.

Looks pretty good for 14 years, doesn't she?

She's a wonderful person.

We really get along beautifully.

We... we really hit it off... a good deal of the time.

Well, look, I better be shoving off.

She'll be worrying.

Didn't you call her and tell her you'll be working late?

Yeah, yeah, that's why she'll be worrying.

Doesn't she trust you?

Oh, of course she does, yes.

She doesn't have any reason not to trust me.

Or if she does, she never knew about it.

Well, look, I better be shoving off.

Okay, see you Monday.

Good night.

Are you having trouble with that?

Oh, yes, I can never get these things...

Well, you've got a man here, you might as well use him, huh?

Oh, sometimes it just takes a couple of good taps.

Oh!

Holy cow.

Did you cut yourself?

I don't know.

Oh!

Oh... What a mess.

Oh, you ruined your beautiful suit.

Oh, dear.

Oh, hurry, listen, listen, slip it off

so that I can sponge it off.

No, no, no, I've got to get out of here, it's late.

No! It's after 11:00.

Well, you can't go like that.

It's just a little stain, nobody will notice.

What will your wife think?

Oh, come on, come on, it'll only take a second.

Come on. I don't know...

We're going to get it all on the inside...

Go on, and give me your trousers, please.

Yeah?

Made you a drink.

Oh, great, how's my suit coming along?

It's coming along.

Can you hurry?

Wouldn't you be

more comfortable out here?

All I'm wearing is a towel.

Oh, well, that's all they wear in Hawaii.

Come on.

This is, this is San Jose.

What do you think of my round bed?

Isn't that different?

Yeah, how do you make it?

I mean how do you change the sheets?

The one we've got at home is just like it, only it's square.

But our dining room table is round.

Yeah, everybody talks about the bed.

Cal Freedman calls it the Coliseum.

Cal Freedman?

Freedman in accounting?

This will take a little while to dry.

He's been here?

Oh, a few times.

Freedman?

He's...

he's married.

I know.

Married men are nicer.

Do you know the minute I met you

I knew right away that you were married.

Because you're nice.

Oh, I...

Oh, yes, you're wonderful

to work with and to be with and...

are you sure you've never been to Hawaii?

No, why?

Oh, I don't know, you just look very nice in that towel.

Yeah?

Like one of those sun gods.

Well...

Well, how about some more of this stuff, huh?

Oh, make me one.

Cal Freedman, huh?

How do you like that?

My wife's always saying,

"God old, Cal, why can't you be more like him?"

Well, it's getting late,

I think you better call your wife.

Who, Alice?

No, no problem.

I think when a man's been married for 14 years

he's entitled to be a little late now and then.

Hey, Big Chief, are you watching the time?

Oh, the evening is young.

Forget it.

Listen, I sure had you pegged wrong.

You know what the girls at the office had to say about you?

What?

They said you were a homebody.

They didn't say whose body my home was in,

or whose home my body was in.

Squaw, got-em more firewater somewhere?

In there.

Oh!

Then we'll see what games we've got scheduled

for the old coliseum tonight, huh?

Oh, that's... Okay.

I'm easy, okay?

No.

Ah, here's a charming spot, isn't it?

Won't you join me?

Surely.

Now...

where were we?

You know something, Mr. Travis?

You're really very charming.

I'm not Mr. Travis.

"Mark" as in "bark."

Where's the old flame-thrower?

It's over there.

It was right...

My watch.

Forget the time.

No, but it's gone.

The time? No, my watch.

And the lighter, it was right here in...

Wait, there's somebody been here.

Now, Miss Hollings, what kind of game

are you trying to play on old Mark the Bark?

Your clothes! Your clothes, your clothes.

He must have come in through the window.

My clothes.

There's no sign of anybody.

He just got away.

With my clothes!

Oh, no. No. No, no.

This can't be happening.

Call the police. Huh?

Call, call the police. Yes.

The police.

What am I doing?!

Why aren't you calling the police?

Are you crazy?

Me and you in your apartment like this?

But it's my watch, my beautiful watch!

You can forget your watch.

You can get another watch,

but can I get another marriage?

That's the problem.

I wonder if he took anything from the bedroom.

Oh, boy, boy, boy.

Oh, this is beautiful.

A thousand guys out there, a million

and they're all getting away with it,

and me, my first time out and I've got to wind up

with my picture on the front page, wrapped in a towel.

Bedroom's okay.

You can forget that!

The problem is my clothes!

How can anybody

be so low as to sneak into a girl's apartment

in the middle of the night

and steal the pants of a faithful husband

married 14 years!

I'm terribly sorry.

Why don't you call your wife?

She'll bring you some clothes.

You can't be serious.

What do you think she'll be thinking?

Why should she think anything?

We didn't do anything wrong.

Don't you have any sense of decency or morality?

Herb Foreman! I'll call Herb.

He's a great guy.

Lives right across the hall from me.

He's a real operator.

He's always getting in scrapes himself.

He'll know what to do.

He'll bring me some clothes down here

and he'll keep his mouth shut.

Hello, Betty?

Mark Travis.

Say, is Herb there?

He's what?

He's with me?

Yes, yes, I know he is.

Yes, he just went out for some cigarettes.

Here he is now. Hi, Herb. Bye, Betty.

How do you like that?

He's out with me.

I know, you can wait till morning when the stores open.

Yeah, and the divorce courts open.

Oh, why me, why me?

Oh, got it!

There's a friend of mine, lives across the hall.

He's just about your size.

Could you ask him? Sure, come on.

Yeah, but, maybe he'll be in bed.

No, he gets home late.

Oh, good.

He's a lieutenant on the Vice Squad.

Vice Squad?

Oh, I don't deserve this.

I... I don't deserve this.

I've lived a good life.

I give regularly to the United Fund,

I give blood to the Red Cross.

I buy Girl Scout cookies every year.

And look what it got me.

Stuck somewhere on the third floor

at 1:00 in the morning in my underwear.

But it's not your fault. Mmm.

You can write that on the top of the property settlement.

We'll think of something.

Me!

A guy who never spilled a drop

of mayonnaise in his life.

And it has to be a whole jar.

And it has to be here!

And it has to be the night

some clothes-happy kleptomaniac is on the loose.

Well, maybe...

if I talk to your wife, then we could settle everything.

This doesn't seem right.

Ought to be someplace where a decent citizen

can get a hold of a pair of pants

at 1:00 in the morning.

I know who's got some pants.

Who?

Why didn't I think of that before?

Who, who? Me!

You? Yes.

Yes, and a shirt, too.

Mr. Travis, you're just as good as home.

Are you Mr. Travis?

What is it?

Oh, you saw me out the window.

I wasn't going to jump!

I was just getting some air into the bedroom.

No, it's about this suit.

Patrol car over on the South Side

picked up this burglary suspect.

It isn't mine. It's not mine.

You could tell better if you had some light.

My wife's a light sleeper.

She's not a light sleeper.

Light wakes her up.

Now, about this suit.

It's not mine.

We found your wallet in it.

Oh. Well, come to think of it, maybe it is mine.

Isn't that funny? I never even missed it.

And we found this watch. It's not mine.

I guess we'll have to keep on looking for the real owner.

Come to think of it, maybe it is mine.

Maybe it's my wife's.

Well, that should be easy to tell.

There's an inscription.

"To the wildest... from Tarzan"?

Yeah, yeah, that's hers.

She, uh... pet names.

You know, when, when we were younger.

If you'll just sign a receipt.

I wouldn't have bothered you this time of night,

but I thought you might be worried about the wallet.

I appreciate it.

Yeah, well, there's some details we need,

like where the suit was taken from...

How about if I drop down

to the station house in the morning?

Okay. I gotcha.

What's going on?

What are you doing?

Playing Little Bo Peep?

It's nothing, nothing.

Nothing?

A cop here in the middle

of the night?

The whole thing is just...

it's just a silly misunderstanding.

I took my secretary home after work

and this prowler broke in and he stole my suit.

He made you get undressed?

No.

I-I wasn't wearing it at the time.

Well...

Look, it was nothing like that.

I took my secretary home after work

and she asked me up for a roast beef sandwich.

Before you knew it, you were both out of your clothes.

That's beautiful.

I'm telling you, nothing happened.

Nothing?

Yes, Herb, something did happen.

I learned a big lesson tonight.

Someone up there helped me.

But if I get out of this thing tonight,

I swear I'll never even think of another woman.

Steady pal, you're pretty tired.

You don't know what you're saying.

Why do guys do it? Why?!

Look at me... I'm a nervous wreck.

The lies, the deceit, the guilt.

It's not worth it.

What do they tell their wives when they come home

at all hours of the night?

Alibis are no problem.

You just gotta keep it a little simple, you see.

Like you're taking a shortcut home and you had a flat tire.

That's foolproof.

Wives always buy that.

Yeah, well, my wife won't have to.

There'll be no flat tires or shortcuts in this house.

Okay.

But you're sure ruining my faith in human nature.

Alice?

Alice?

"Gone to my sister's.

"Won't be late.

Love, Alice."

Well, we did it.

We really made it, you and me.

We're home free.

You crazy kid.

All that worrying for nothing.

Mr. Wonderful.

Hello, Holly. Mark.

Fine.

You know, the, the cops got your watch?

Yeah. I'll bring it in Monday.

What was there to worry about?

No trouble, I came home and that was it.

Sure.

Yeah.

It was fun, wasn't it?

Say, um...

you know about the convention next weekend?

I think it might be pretty nice if you could get down there.

All right.

We'll talk about that Monday, too.

Yeah.

Okay.

Good night.

It's after 3:00.

Where could she be?

Oh, Mark.

You frightened me.

A little late, isn't it?

Well, it must be after 2:00.

3:00. It's ten after 3:00.

Oh.

Don't tell me you were at your sister's all this time.

Oh, no.

As a matter of fact, I left there hours ago.

Mark, I had the worst luck.

A flat tire.

A flat tire?

Mm-hmm, on the shortcut.

Oh, Mark, it was just awful.

I didn't know what to do.

I even tried to change it myself.

A milk truck finally stopped to help me,

or I'd probably still be there.

A milk truck?

What company?

I don't know.

Oh, it was the one

with the cow painted on the side.

They all have that.

There must have been

a name or something?

No, it was too dark to notice.

But light enough to see a cow?

What color was it?

I don't know. What difference does it make?

A man's wife sees a cow, it's perfectly normal

for the husband to want to know the color.

I guess it was brown. They all are.

Zip, darling, zip.

Mark, when is your convention?

Next weekend.

Why?

Oh, I thought I might spend a few days with Marge Howton.

That wild woman?

She's fun.

And as long as you're going to be gone for the whole weekend,

I could get an early start.

At what?

You know, I may decide not to go to that convention.

Oh, really?

I thought you were looking forward to getting away.

I was.

But obviously not as much as...

What's this?

What's what?

Looks like gloves.

Oh, they are, or were.

I ruined them trying to change that dumb tire.

You mean you really...

Mr. Wonderful.

Sure, you learned a lot.

Honey?

Honey?

Look, I think I'd like to go to that convention.

Well, I... I wish you'd go with me.

Well, if that's what Mr. Travis wants,

then, uh... Mrs. Travis would be delighted.

I think being with you is going to be a lot more fun

than being with Marge.

And I think being with you

is going to be a lot more fun than being with...

the boys.

I don't know whatever possessed me to think I could do it.

It's the first and the last time

I will ever try anything like that.

I know exactly how you feel.

Well, maybe it is silly, Peggy,

but it's the only way I can be sure

there isn't a man under the bed.

Oh, good afternoon, Mr. Miller.

Oh, hello, Oscar.

I have your table ready.

Right this way, please.

Oscar... Yes?

Oscar, listen, what's going on in here?

What?

That girl... has no clothes on.

She's wearing a bikini.

She's just topless.

All of our waitresses are topless now.

Oh. When, uh, did all this happen?

Just today, but I've been thinking about it

since last week when the place down the street went topless,

and we went broke.

Huh.

Business has sure picked up.

Better than ever.

Well, some of the regulars

to reserve the table by the year.

Here we are.

Be careful, Mr. Miller.

Only our policy has changed, Mr. Miller.

Nothing else.

Well, enjoy your lunch.

I'll try.

Hello, Mr. Miller.

Oh.

Uh...

Hello there, uh, uh, Gloria.

Uh, how are, uh...

How are things?

I mean, how, how, how are you?

Chilly.

What'll it be today, the usual chef's salad?

No, no, I-I think, uh...

If you don't mind, I-I'd like to, um...

I'd like to look first.

At the, uh, the menu.

I thought you wanted to look at the menu.

I did? Oh, I did.

I, uh, I...

I, uh, I tell you, I, I, I think I'll order later.

Um... right now, uh,

I think you can bring me a, uh, a dry, uh... martini.

Okay.

One dry martini.

Heavy on the olives.

Okay.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Miller, he just went to lunch.

You missed him by not more than five minutes.

Oh, rats.

I wanted to tell him the good news.

Carol and I have just been elected co-chairwomen

of the SFAN campaign

of our ladies club. SFAN?

Stop Filth And Nudity.

Oh.

Well, congratulations, Mrs. Miller.

And you too, Mrs. Filth... I mean, I mean, Flynt.

Oh, thank you.

Maybe we ought to drop in on him.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Shall I call him and tell him you'll be joining him?

He's at the VIP Restaurant right across the street.

No, don't bother.

I think it'd be more fun to surprise him.

Come on. Okay. Bye-bye.

Mr. Miller, your wife is here with another lady.

They'd like to join you for lunch.

All right, Oscar, anything, anything.

My wife?

What...?

Uh, pardon me.

Oh, of course. Uh...

Uh, George?

What?

Oh... hello there, uh, Sally.

Hi, uh, Carol.

George, what are you doing under the table?

I, uh... dropped my cigarette lighter.

Can't you find it?

Well, it's very dark down here.

If I had my cigarette lighter, it'd be a lot easier to find it.

How about you girls coming down here and helping me?

George, will you quit acting silly and get up here?

Well, nothing silly

about trying to save a... a cigarette lighter.

I, I, uh...

Well... uh...

So, Sally...

What is a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

Place like what, George?

Oh, we have some good news for you, George.

Yes. We stopped by the office to tell you, and you were here,

so we thought we'd come and join you for lunch.

Great idea. Where do we go?

Oh, what's the matter with this place?

Well, I'm tired of it.

I'd like to go someplace else for a change.

Oh, this place is fine.

I must say the service isn't great.

I haven't seen a single waitress.

Neither have I. You haven't?

You haven't seen a single waitress?

Not one.

See, you're right.

The service here is rotten.

Let's get out of here quick.

Oh, don't be silly, George.

If you eat here so often, the food must be terrific.

Let's stay here.

Tell him the good news, Sally.

Good news?

Carol and I have been elected

co-chairmen of the Stop Filth And Nudity

campaign of our ladies club.

No kidding.

Well, why don't we go down the street and stop some.

I hear there's a topless restaurant down there.

We could go down after lunch, George.

Listen, I hear it's actually much better

if you do those things on an empty stomach.

Sit down, George.

George, what are you doing?

I just thought perhaps you-

you'd like to glance at the menu.

Here's your martini, Mr. Miller.

Just slip it under the menu.

No need to hold it so close, dear.

B-B-But, you see, I know, dear,

but it's so dark in here, you see, and I...

George.

Waitress.

You know, honey, I forgot to kiss you.

Honey, not in public!

Oh, George, how would it look?

The co-chairwoman of the SFAN campaign

being kissed in a restaurant?

I'll be right back, sir.

Saved by the bell covers.

Telephone for Mr. Crane.

Mr. Jim Crane.

Oh, boy, is it hot in here.

George, what are you doing?

Oh, just checking my coat, dear.

I'll pick it up on the way out.

This place is too hot. Ah, that's good enough for me.

Let's go someplace else.

I'm referring to the temperature.

Now, would you sit down?

What is the matter with him?

Would you care to order now?

Uh, not now, waiter.

Oh, my goodness.

My goodness!

George!

Are all the waitresses like that?

Uh, like what, dear?

Like that!

Um...

My golly, I never noticed.

You didn't?

I'm glad you pointed that out.

All the waitresses in here are blonde.

Not a brunette in the bunch.

Let's get out of here.

I refuse to eat in a place that's prejudiced.

I am not referring to the color of her hair!

Well, I was.

I mean the way she's dressed.

She's wearing nothing from the waist up!

She's not?

You didn't notice that, either?

Notice what?

The way she's dressed!

Why would I notice a thing like that?

I'm not in the clothing business.

All right.

I have a confession to make.

I am here... to do research.

Research?

What kind of research? And this had better be good.

Oh, it's good, it's good.

Uh, I'm here for the Stop Filth and Nudity campaign.

I am one of their, uh, secret agents.

Oh, George, don't be ridiculous.

A secret agent?

Okay, so I'm not a secret agent.

I'm a human being,

and human beings are researching all the time.

It means nothing to me.

I mean, why don't we just try to relax

and enjoy the rest of our lunch despite our surroundings.

George.

What?

You're buttering your hand.

I am?

That's absurd.

Ah... ah.. ahh...

Oh, I'm bleeding.

I-I-I may have to have stitches.

Stitches.

I'll call our doctor!

I'll get a taxi.

I'll get the check.

Be-be calm, dear.

Uh, uh, uh, Gloria, honey,

can I have the check please?

What's the matter?

I stuck my hand.

Oh, what a shame.

Maybe this will help.

Oh, thanks a million, Gloria.

George, Carol has the taxi waiting.

My hand's all better.

I don't have to go to the doctor.

Oh, yes you do. No, I don't.

Yes, you do!

Yes, I do.

? ?

I hear they're only staying together for the kids.