Original subtitles

Hello?

Louise, I told you never to call me here.

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the red, white and blue ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you ♪

♪ And on a star-spangled night, my love ♪

♪ You can rest ♪

♪ You can rest your head on my shoulder ♪

♪ Or by the dawn's early light, my love ♪

♪ I will defend ♪

♪ I will defend your right to try ♪

♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Tonight, you'll see

three separate views of love, American style:

a decorator who isn't what he seems to be

and can't admit what he is;

a guy who can't get what he wants

and a girl who can't take what she has;

and our first story about a man who gains all he's lost

by losing all he has left, which we call:

I don't know the meaning of the word "impossible," Elroy.

It's not in my vocabulary.

And if you want to go on working for me at these fabulous sums

of money, you'll strike it from your vocabulary, too.

You'll try?

"Try" is a word I've heard used.

I don't respect it,

but if it gets the impossible done I'll accept it.

Remember, this is not a business for babies.

Good-bye, Elroy.

Now, where were we?

Pursuant to our...

Oh, yes, yes.

Uh...

pursuant to our conversation of the, uh, 24th,

I, uh... I remain adamant in my demands that we...

that we act like gentlemen.

I love you, Michelle.

Mr. Wood, please. I can't help it... you drive me crazy.

Oh, Mr. Wood, you shouldn't. Who says?

Oh, Mr. Wood, your trophy. You dented it.

Oh, forget it, forget it. It's nothing.

Oh, but you've won it.

It's worthless. I cheated.

Today I want you.

Mr. Wood.

Look, look, look, how long have you been working here now?

Four days. Of course.

You need a break in the routine.

I'm going to Denver next week.

You'll come with me.

Mr. Wood.

Mmm...

Mr. Wood.

Uh... Who are you?

Alvin Doff, Merchandising Department.

You wanted to see me.

Oh, yes, yes, uh, yes. Uh, come in.

That'll be all, Michelle, uh... for now.

And bring Mr. Doff and me some coffee.

One of the, uh... one of the great secretaries.

Uh, hard to find a girl with her qualifications these days.

Sit down, sit down.

Thank you, sir.

Well, Doff, I, um, I've heard a great deal about you.

Well, all... all good I hope, sir.

Well, let's say all interesting.

What... what does that mean?

Look, Doff, I am not a man to beat around the bush.

The word "vacillate" is not in my vocabulary.

Mine either, sir.

It means, uh, waver or, uh, indecisive.

Listen, I, uh, I hear

you've been messing around with my wife.

Your wife, sir?

Yeah, Valerie Wood,

your girlfriend, is my wife.

Or didn't you know?

Well, I knew, true, sir, I-I did know.

But I mean, she's your ex-wife, isn't she?

You can't fire a man for...

Fire you?

Who said anything about firing you?

My wife and I are divorced.

Why shouldn't she go out with whomever she pleases?

I mean, uh, you like her, don't you?

Yes.

Well, she's a wonderful woman,

and she likes you a lot, I've heard.

Well, yeah, maybe a little.

We're just friends, that's all.

Come off it, Doff.

Nobody is "just friends" with my wife.

Barracudas don't have friends.

Please, sir, I think you overestimate the relationship

between your wife and me.

9/24, Artists and Models Charity Ball.

9/26, El Morocco.

9/28, 29 and 30 Tanglewood Music Festival.

Quite a friendship.

Who picks up all the tabs?

She does.

Wrong, I do.

I'm paying for every lousy dinner, movie

and concert you go to.

I am Mr. Alimony, and I pick up all the tabs.

Well, on my salary it's pretty hard to meet her demands.

I mean, you know, she lives in pretty high style.

I know.

She's got the big house and the big car.

I know. I've got a bachelor pad and a four-cylinder compact.

I know.

Look, if there's anything I could do...

Get this $500-a-week monkey off my back, Doff.

$500 a week?

Wow. "Wow," he says.

Well, what can I do?

Marry my wife, Doff. Please, marry my wife.

I stop this alimony jazz

and settle down with my little cutesy, see?

I'd like that a lot, Doff, a lot.

Here's your coffee, gentlemen.

Oh, thank you, Michelle.

She makes a great cup of coffee.

It's from the machine.

Don't be modest now.

A dash of cream and one and a half sugars.

Thank you. Anything else, sir?

Not right now, Michelle.

Marry my wife, Doff, or you're fired.

Fired?

Right. And from what I understand,

this is your first executive position.

Yes. And your last recommendation,

which right now is comme çi, comme ça... very shaky.

Yeah, but you said before...

The word "integrity" is not in my vocabulary.

I'm a desperate man, Doff.

I want you to marry my wife.

Mr. Wood, I couldn't marry your wife if I wanted to.

Why not?

Because last night we had a fight

and we're not speaking to one another.

Oh, no!

What did you fight about?

Money.

Money? She's got plenty of money... mine.

I don't have any money.

Well, we talked about getting married once,

but I can't even afford to buy her a ring.

A ring? Is that all?

You mean if you gave my wife a little ring she'd accept it?

Yes, at least... at least I think she would.

Michelle? Michelle, bring in my checkbook.

Doff, I feel a song coming on.

Oh, darling... I mean, uh, Michelle...

write out a check to Mr. Alvin Doff

for two and one-half carats.

I mean, $2,500.

Are you sure that's big enough?

Well, now don't tell me about my wife's taste.

I was engaged to her before you were.

Well, now, that should just about do it.

Mr. Doff is engaged to my wife, Michelle.

Isn't that nice?

It sure is.

And so the situation is critical.

And on this decision rests the fate of the company

and all our futures.

Now what do we do?

Yeah?

Mr. Doff is here.

Send him in. That'll be all.

But Woody...

Out, out!

Uh, Mr. Wood, I think that...

Out, out, out.

Well?

We're engaged.

Oh!

Oh, Alvin!

Alvin!

Unofficially.

What unofficially? What about the ring?

It's on order.

Well, pick it up, put it on her finger.

Official this thing already.

It's not that so much, sir.

What is it so much? Well, Mrs. Wood...

well, this could be a long engagement.

How long? A year.

A year, why?

Well, it's the money thing again.

She feels as though I'm just starting out now,

and I don't make much money.

Her alimony comes to more than I make.

What is this, blackmail?

I don't know, sir.

She said she'd just, you know,

like to wait and see how things turn out.

Uh-huh, I see.

Well, if she's going to be

a cobra about this thing, I'll be a mongoose.

Michelle, come in here and bring my checkbook again.

Doff, I'm going to do the unusual now.

I pay my wife $500 a week times 52 weeks,

which is about $26,000.

And that's what you're going to get as my wedding present.

Now, you and my wife have until Sunday to get married.

Have a nice honeymoon.

Take a year if you like.

When you get back, your old job will be waiting for you.

How's that?

$26,000.

That ought to do it, sir.

Well, let's put it this way, Conroy.

If you guys pull another strike,

I'll import help from Australia if I have to.

Oh, yes, I would.

I also know several ex-heavyweight contenders

who would love your job.

I'm not threatening you; I'm warning you.

I know there's no difference,

but this is not a business for babies.

I'll call you back.

Valerie.

Hi, Woody.

What are you doing here?

I thought you and Doff would be in sunny Acapulco by now.

Sit down, darling. I've got something to tell you.

Well, if you want to tell me about your engagement

and the ring that Doff gave you, I already know.

Ring? The only ring I got

was from Buenos Aires this morning.

Collect, to say good-bye.

What?

Yes, he's gone there to get married.

Gone there to get married?

I thought he was going to marry you.

So did I, but he married somebody else.

What about my $26,000 check?

Well, he'll live very happily on that.

It goes a long way in South America.

Nonsense, nonsense. Michelle? Michelle?

She's not out there, Woody.

No? No? Well, where is she then?

Buenos Aires.

Didn't she say good-bye?

I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

I'll kill her, too.

Kill them for me, too.

I'm ruined.

I gave that guy...

I gave that guy all the cash I had.

Would you mind a few words of advice from a... barracuda?

No...

You've been in tougher spots than this before.

No, no, no. Not like this.

I'm older now.

Yes, you are older.

So am I.

Too old for some of the things we've been thinking about.

What am I going to do, Val?

Well... What?

Why don't you come over and have dinner tonight

and we'll talk about it?

But I'm broke, Val.

Oh, you were broke when I met you.

I'm broker now. I owe millions.

I managed to save a few dollars from your weekly care package.

We'll make it.

You know something?

You're not a barracuda; you're a dolphin.

I'll be home for dinner.

We'll talk then. Hmm?

Right now, I've got to make some cash.

All right...

Miss Gordon, you certainly passed your parking test.

I've really had it this time.

Erica...

I just can't take any more.

It's all over for me.

I'll kill myself!

Erica, Erica, honey, don't do anything foolish.

You can hold on for an hour.

Just one hour, that's all I ask.

Well... All right, now that's a promise.

I'll be right over.

But it's-it's late.

Honey, don't worry about that.

So it's 3:30 in the morning? I just turned off the set.

But...

No, honey, I'm dressed.

I'm... I'll be right over.

Well, when did you dress?

While we were talking.

It sounds like I woke you up.

Oh, now, never you mind about that.

I'll put on the coffee when I get over there.

Now you just lie back and relax.

And I'll be over in 15 minutes.

Easy, honey.

Oh, thank you, Peter.

Bye.

Who is it?

It's me, Pete.

Oh, hi, well, it's really late, Pete.

It only took me 12 and a half minutes.

Well, I fell asleep.

I laid down like you told me to.

Oh, maybe I shouldn't have come.

Oh, I was emotionally exhausted, wrung out.

Are you all right? Sure, what's up?

What's up?

Erica, not 20 minutes ago you threatened suicide.

What's up?

Oh, Pete, oh, Pete, I'm so sorry.

Pete, Pete, I'm a terrible person.

I really am.

The way I use you, it's awful.

Oh, Pete, I don't mean to laugh. I don't.

I guess I use you because... because you're so willing.

That's a rotten thing to be, willing.

Sorry.

Oh, Pete, no, willing is groovy.

You're a saint.

I am not a saint.

Well, you know what I mean.

I get myself all worked up.

And just when I'm on the brink of destroying myself,

I call you and I hear

your strong, steady, straight ahead rational voice

and you know what happens?

I mean, it makes me tranquil.

And I can lay down and I get sleepy.

First, I'm a saint.

Now I'm the sandman.

What's the matter with your eye?

What, my eye? Um...

Well, I've been sleeping on it,

or, uh, maybe I've got the hives.

Yeah. Do you want to talk about what happened?

I broke up with Cane.

Oh, again, huh?

No, this time he crossed that invisible line.

You know what I mean?

And I can't go back, ever.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

I mean, I'm sorry you're so broken up.

Oh, it's not him.

I mean, I can live without Cane Walker no sweat.

But when we had our little tiff and he stormed out of here

in one of his rages, I suddenly saw myself,

my own terribly hung up self.

My self-destructiveness and the lies that I tell myself!

Don't punish yourself.

You just picked the wrong guy.

We all do that.

No, not the wrong guy.

The same guy over and over and over again.

Cane Walker, Steve Sloan, Rip Swenson.

Spider Helms.

Spider Helms.

Same thing, same pattern.

You know what I want?

You know what I really want?

What I want from a man, what I'm looking for from a man? I think so.

I want to be hurt.

Hurt?

Yes, I say I want love and kindness

and companionship and warmth and understanding

and consideration... Well, you've heard me...

But look at the record.

I mean, look.

I'm compulsed. I'm compulsed.

Time after time, I'm attracted to someone who is demanding,

insincere, inconsiderate,

unconcerned, crude, cruel, physical.

Peter, I haven't been looking for a man.

I've been looking for an executioner.

I don't believe it.

The insight, the perception, the way you understand yourself.

Thank you.

You're a gutsy girl.

Thanks.

I think you've taken a giant step.

Well, I hope so.

I just wouldn't, if I were you,

come down so heavy on the physical.

I mean, I'm a big believer that a man and a woman

should have something physical going for them.

Well, the ultimate expression of love, we all know that.

But I just think you confuse physical with athletic.

Lots of guys who aren't athletic at all are very physical.

As a matter of fact,

this nurse I know says that these athletes are so concerned

with being in shape, that as far as the physical goes...

That is not true.

Oh, well, I was just saying what some other...

Athletes act, intellectuals talk.

It's a good rule of thumb.

I am not an intellectual.

You're not an athlete.

Well, that doesn't mean I don't have strong physical drives.

Peter, sweetie.

Look, I'm not questioning your masculinity,

I'm not.

It's just that, well, you have everything under such control.

I mean, I wish I did.

But I can't be like that.

I'm... well, I'm too unpredictable.

You're not so unpredictable.

Don't kid yourself.

You think there's a predictable pattern there?

Sure, you just said you like to be hurt.

Not five minutes ago you said

"I'm looking for an executioner, not a lover."

Didn't you say that?

I meant that symbolically.

I mean, I don't actually

want someone to...

to, well, you know.

Spider, Rip, Cane...

I don't want to be struck.

I don't want people to hammer on me.

I hate that.

Why do you think I threw Cane out of here tonight?

Why do you think it's over forever?

Did he hurt you?

Here.

He hurt you in the eye?

He hit me in the eye.

He actually, like, punched you?

Well, don't blame him. Men do that.

Well, not this man.

What's he trying to prove?

That he's physical?

I had to fight him off with a brass candlestick.

But I guess it's my fault.

I keep asking for it and when I finally get it...

Oh, when am I ever going to have a lasting relationship?

I'm going to have a few words with that character.

No, it's not your problem.

Where does he live?

In this building.

Which apartment?

No, I'm not going to tell you.

His name is on the mailbox.

Cane Walker.

After all we've been to each other,

you're going to make me walk downstairs?

Five C.

I can take care of myself.

Peter! Peter!

What?

It's 4:00 in the morning.

So?

Oh, Peter, you're the best friend a girl ever had.

Who is it?

A friend of a friend.

I don't have any friends who have friends, go away.

I'm a friend of Erica's.

Well, that figures.

I want to talk to you, Cane.

All right, come in.

Are you going to do something foolish

like shoot me or something?

Maybe.

Oh, you're all the same.

All you little guys.

You all have the same sick need to prove something, huh?

Sure, sure.

Everybody under five-feet-seven is the same.

All Spanish-Americans are the same.

All Italians are the same. All blacks are the same.

Now listen, shorty, don't talk to me

like I'm some kind of a racist.

I don't dig that, you understand?

Shorty?

Well, I didn't mean it exactly that way.

Kill them all.

The typical conservative.

One haircut for everybody,

one uniform.

Don't let anybody be different.

That's your lifestyle.

Man, you got me all wrong. Why, my best buddy, he...

Yeah, you're the kind of a guy that would punch a girl.

Well, I don't care how tall you are, I'll go to the mat.

I'm not afraid.

Now look, man, I can't tangle with you.

You see these?

These are deadly weapons.

I lay one hand on you, I get booked for assault.

Sure, sure, the Supreme Court

won't let you defend yourself against me.

But it's perfectly legal to punch a woman, huh?

You keep saying that I punched.

Now, I didn't punch any woman.

Erica's eye is out to here.

You didn't do that, huh?

No. Oh.

Look...

now, you see if I really wanted to hang her on the wall...

Oh, well, all right.

Did she tell you that she got her eye banged

while I was trying to take away this brass candlestick

she was about to kill me with?

She didn't mention that, did she, huh?

No. Ooh.

Erica's got you in the wrong lane, man.

She's not a bad chick, but she's got this hang-up you see.

She digs mean guys.

And you're a mean guy.

I am the king.

The king of the meanies.

It's not my fault. I don't want to be like that.

It's just I got this hang-up I guess.

I start romancing some cute little fox,

and I get this warm loving feeling,

and she begins to respond, and for a while there, aces.

Then the more involved she becomes,

the more detached I become.

The more love and affection she gives, the less I give.

I ignore her, I cheat on her, I humiliate her and she digs it.

And the more she digs it, the less I dig her.

The less I dig her, the more she digs me.

I pity you.

What should I do about it?

Well, I know what you should do.

You should get yourself a girl who isn't the least interested.

Somebody that's cold, that just brushes you off

and is never likely to respond.

You mean like what you're doing.

Wow.

Oh, man, wow.

Oh, it comes into focus.

We all got our hang-ups.

How much time have you wasted on this chick?

You mean how long have I known Erica?

About almost two years.

Two years?

Are you off your sticks?

The average marriage only lasts two years.

Why would someone hang around some chick for two years?

It's not like saving up to buy a car.

What do you expect is going to happen?

Well, people change.

Sure, people change.

They get worse.

What is it with you guys?

You, uh... you're like friends?

Very good friends.

Oh, on Saturday you go over and you help her wash the car,

then you sand the floor of the apartment,

paint the place up a little bit,

lend her a little bread when she's broke,

and when she wants to go away for the weekend what does she do for you?

She lets you watch the cat.

Because what are good friends for, right?

No, there's pretty good give and take.

Well, I can see what you're giving but what are you taking?

Well, you can't base a relationship...

Just buddies, huh?

Well, no.

A couple of times, uh...

it was very close.

It didn't take hold, but it'll happen.

It's been two years.

Don't you think it's time you made your move?

Now, listen, Charlie...

Peter.

This is what I think you ought to do.

Now don't tell me, I know.

Go down and say, "Me Tarzan, you Jane."

Don't think I haven't considered that.

And don't think I can't be as animal as you are.

I am not an animal.

Deep down inside me, I am a pussycat.

I'm smart enough to know that pussycats don't make it.

You know, you with all your brilliance about women,

you're in the same position as I am.

You can't sustain a lasting relationship.

I've had two years.

She dumped you.

Yeah, but on the way to the dump...

Don't be crass.

Now, look, it all boils down to this.

Who would you rather be?

Me or you?

Me.

That goes to show

what kind of a jerk you are.

Look, it isn't whether you win or lose.

It's whether you get to play the game at all.

I want you to go down there and get in the ball game.

I'm going to bed.

Good night, Coach.

I left my coat here.

Well, what happened up there?

What did he say?

Forget it.

Oh, please, I'm dying to know what happened.

I don't want to talk about it.

That isn't yours.

Oh, no, it isn't.

Well, whose is it?

You don't know him.

You mean there's somebody

I don't even know about?

He's not important, believe me.

Not important?

Not important?

You mean it's not important when you conceal things from me?

Our whole relationship

is based upon trust and honesty.

If we don't have that, we don't have anything.

I'm beginning to think we don't have anything anyway.

We never had anything.

Well, look, what happened up there?

I mean, did you fight him?

Did he rough you up?

If he laid a finger on you, I swear I'll kill him.

Oh, for crying out loud, what do you think of me?

I'm not your little brother, Erica,

that you have to protect against bullies, Erica.

I'm a man, a real man,

who can protect himself in any situation.

For your information, I was

the junior lightweight champion of the YMHA.

Well, I never knew that, and you never told me that before.

That doesn't make any difference.

I don't make a big thing out of it.

I don't spill my guts about everything

the way the rest of the phonies you get involved with do.

The trouble with you, Erica, is you never see me as I am.

You've never really taken the trouble to look at me.

Look at me!

Look at me!

Listen, I don't know what happened up there

with you and Cane, but you're really upset

and it's awfully late

and you really shouldn't drive

when you're so distraught, so, well, why don't you spend

the rest of the night here, and we can talk

this thing out.

You want me to stay here tonight?

Sure, I'll make up the couch.

Oh, forget it, I'm leaving.

Oh, now, Pete.

There's something terribly, terribly wrong

and I want to know.

Well, I'll tell you what's wrong.

I've always known it, but my talk with Cane brought it out.

I've loved you, Erica, not like a brother, not like a friend,

not like a buddy, but like a man loves a woman,

and you've never even considered the possibility.

For two years, I've been in agony, in torment.

Tell me, in all the time we've known each other,

have you ever thought about loving me?

Well, there are different kinds of love, Peter.

I want the kind you tell the guys about.

I want to be Cane Walker!

Why? He's a pig.

He's a happy pig.

I want to be the man who owns this coat.

You want to be superintendent of this building.

Oh, super of the building?

Well, he left it here by mistake.

Besides, I don't see why you're so upset.

I mean... I really do love you.

Well, if you love me,

why is it the only time you kiss me, it's New Year's Eve?

You're exaggerating.

I kiss you a lot.

No, you buss me, like my aunt does.

Half the time I expect you

to pinch my other cheek at the same time.

Well, what is it you want?

I want a kiss.

Oh, well, Peter.

I want a real kiss. Now...

Now, Pete... I want a kiss.

Now, Pete.

Oh! Oh, Peter,

Oh, Peter, please forgive me.

Forgive me.

Oh, did I hurt you?

I'm sorry. Oh, no, no.

Oh, my poor baby.

Pete?

Something's happened.

Something wonderful has happened,

on the inside.

Oh, Pete, it almost knocked me over.

Suddenly, I can see what I want, clear as a bell.

Suddenly, like a light from heaven,

I know what I want.

What?

It's not Cane or Spider or, or Rip or Steve.

They're meaningless.

They're insignificant.

They're all wrong.

What I want...

You know what I really want?

Tell me, what is it?

I want someone like you.

Like me?

Of course.

I mean, Andy Carter has some of your qualities

and Tim Cramer, and even Spider Helms, at times.

And then there's Bob Butler and there's Tim Conway...

Fern. Stop now, Fern.

I gotta get to the meeting.

♪ ♪

Please, Mr. Stone, I'll never do it again, I promise.

Listen, Allenchek,

nobody talks to my Angelica 'less I say so.

What makes you think you're good enough

to talk to my daughter?

We just went for a little walk.

You took my Angel for a walk?

By-by the lake.

My daughter don't walk with no bums like you.

What do we do with him, boss?

I don't know.

How much cement we got left in the cellar?

Cement?

Yeah.

I figure you like the lake so much

you might want to see the bottom.

Give me another chance, I'm begging you.

I hired you to take care of the accounts,

not to fool around with my daughter!

I won't talk to her again.

I know you won't,

'cause you're gonna take care of our operations in Alaska.

That'll cool you down. Get him out of here.

Oh... Oh...

Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Stone.

That takes care of him.

What's the matter?

I thought you was taking care of my Angelica!

How come you let her go walking with bums like that?

But it happened so fast.

I just turned around a second

to buy a bowl of chili,

and when I looked up, they was gone.

You like chili, don't you, Beans?

Hey, you know me, boss.

The hotter the better.

Yeah. Well, I could do one of two things.

I could have the boys fix up

a big 50-gallon vat of chili, nice and hot,

the way you like it, and then throw you in it!

Boss, I can't swim.

You know I can't swim!

Don't worry, I ain't gonna do that.

That's too easy.

Why should I let you die happy in a bowl of chili?

I'm gonna think of something else.

What's the matter, Daddy?

I just passed Mr. Allenchek in the hall.

Angelica, my angel!

Hey, boss.

Yeah?

I won't eat no more chili.

All right, all right, don't let it happen no more.

Now, what's the matter?

Well, I passed Mr. Allenchek in the hall.

And what's this "Allenchek"?

His name is Marty.

Bums don't have no last name.

Where was Mr. Allenchek going in such a hurry?

Oh, he had some urgent business in Alaska.

Aw, why?

Why?!

Because he committed the,

the cardinal mistake of talking to me?

What do you mean?

Well, in the past two years, I've met five men.

Suddenly, I never see them again.

Correction... one I saw again on a slab at the morgue.

You're going to blame me because the bum was dumb enough

to walk in an elevator that wasn't even there?

Daddy, I'm 19 going on 20, and in a year and a half,

I'll be old enough to vote.

You're just a baby.

You could make some very bad mistakes.

Then let me make some mistakes. What?

I mean, let me meet a few guys before I get married.

If I ever do get married.

You ain't getting married

unless I okay the bum.

Now, that's the end of that.

Well, I'm sure there's not a bum in this city

that you'd approve of.

The bum that I okay is gonna be able

to stand up to me like a man.

First, he's got to win my respect, you understand?

Well, how am I going to find him?

And how's he going to know I exist?

You keep me all year long in a girl's college

and then for my vacation I'm transferred down here

to serve my summer in this prison.

Angel, Angel, what are we fighting?

I'm only trying to keep you safe

from all the violence in the streets.

Don't you read the papers?

There's violence all over the place.

Them lousy cops, they just ain't doing their job right.

Hey, boss! Yeah.

Mr. Barone is outside waiting to see you.

Barone? Who's he?

You know...

Oh, the interior decorator.

Why didn't you say so?

Bring him in.

Hey, this guy gave Mugsy's rumpus room real class.

I want to see what he can do with this office.

Mr. Stone.

It's a real pleasure.

Mugsy speaks quite highly of you.

Mugsy's a good friend if you don't turn your back on him.

So this is the room you want done over, huh? Yeah.

Well, offhand I'd say it isn't you

at all in its present state,

but I think I can make it fit you like a glove.

It's a challenge, but I love challenges.

Hi, I'm Dwayne.

Oh, You better not talk to me...

Unless your fondest wish is to be the top decorator in Alaska.

Oh, she's a great kidder.

That's my daughter, Angelica.

I really love that pants suit.

It's from the Yves St. Laurent collection, am I right?

Yes, you are.

All I know is it cost me a thousand smackers.

Hey, I'll bet you could whip up something cheaper for my angel

that'll look just as good.

I mean, while you're doing the room.

I don't sew.

Oh, you don't?

No. I-I knit, but I don't sew.

Well, Mister, uh...

Barone. Please call me Dwayne.

Yes, it's been very nice meeting you.

Pleasure. Good-bye.

Charming.

She's my angel.

Well, back to the room.

Now, Mr. Stone, tell me.

Do you have any absolutely untamperable ideas

on how you want it?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, what's wrong with it?

Everything.

E-E-Everything clashes.

The room is made up of millions of tiny conflicts.

Look at this picture, for example.

It just doesn't make it.

A neo-romantic picture in a Rococo frame.

Rococo?

And this so-called functional table...

a-and vinyl chairs?

That style went out two weeks after it came in,

and rightly so.

Is this picture here to cover a hole in the wall?

No, there's nothing wrong with the wall.

Well, we'll burn it then.

And, uh... well, look at this chair. It, it...

Well, what's wrong with it?

I kinda like it.

Mr. Stone, the word "kinda"

just doesn't fit into my vocabulary.

You can either commit yourself to your pieces

or you don't have them at all.

Oh.

Tell me something, Mr. Stone. Uh...

Do you like yourself?

Do I like myself?

Sure, I like myself.

I love myself.

Everybody loves me, right?

Yeah. Sure, boss.

Well, then.

This room should reflect that

by having things in it that you like.

You know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah, sure, sure.

That makes sense, don't it boys?

Yeah.

Yeah!

A room should be an extension of your own personality.

Will you trust me, Mr. Stone?

I guarantee you, I will...

I will capture you in this room.

Okay, decorator, capture me.

How'd you know red was my favorite color?

It's just a wild guess.

I like it, I like it.

And I like you, too, you know?

Watch it, Boss.

Shut up.

Let's go.

Hey, uh...

why don't you come and have dinner

with me and my daughter tonight night?

I won this fancy chef in a card game,

and he's always doing something French.

I don't know what it is, but it tastes good.

Thank you.

But I was under the impression

you didn't allow men near your daughter.

No, in your case... it's all right.

Barbara, this is Dwayne.

How are you, honey?

Listen, I'm not going to be able to make it tonight.

I have to give a command performance for my new boss.

I'm sorry, too.

Maybe we can go up to the mountains

for the weekend, huh?

Okay, hon, I'll talk to you later.

Yeah. Bye.

Give me French cooking any day.

Oh, boy.

What does he call this stuff here?

Well, it was pigeon aux feuilles.

I don't know what you'd call it now.

So sue me.

I like red; ain't that right, Dwayne?

Right.

Oh, you were saying, Dwayne?

What is he,

a stranger or something? Call him Wayne for short.

But it's Dwayne.

You like Dwayne?

Well, I think it's a lovely name.

It was my father's name.

Oh, he must have been an interior decorator, too, huh?

No. As a matter of fact, he was a construction worker.

Oh. What are you, adopted or something?

You were saying, Dwayne,

about that house you did for that rich dowager.

Oh, yeah. Well, she loved music,

so she wanted music boxes or chimes

on just about everything in the house that opened.

So, when it got around to the powder room door,

the electricians got the music thingamajing all mixed up.

So, when the powder room door opened,

it played "Home Sweet Home."

And, when the front door opened, it played "Can-Can."

What did the bedroom door play?

"Love For Sale."

Hey, that's funny. He's a funny guy, huh?

Yeah, you're a funny guy.

You make my angel laugh.

I don't see her laugh much.

I'll tell you what you're going to do.

You're going to move in here

and fix up this whole place

to fit me like a glove. I mean, the whole house.

And you can

be company for my angel while she's home from school.

She can help you tie some bows or something.

How does that sound, huh?

Well...

Oh, please, Dwayne. Please stay.

Well, I really hadn't planned...

Well, I have,

so you're going to stay.

Excuse me. I got some business

to attend to on the waterfront.

It's nice to see you laughing again, Angel.

Bye, Daddy.

Oh, Rocky, take the coffee things

into the living room, will you, please?

Yes, ma'am.

I thought we'd just get cozy on the sofa and talk.

Fine.

Thank you.

You know, last night I saw Ali MacGraw at the movies.

You remind me a lot of her.

Oh, her figure's much better than mine.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

I think your figure stands up to hers very well.

Oh, haven't you noticed my hips stick out?

Look. I have these two big bones right here.

Hmm.

Ah, yeah, but that's feminine.

I think your hips are groovy.

They're... they're sensual.

They're supposed to...

They're supposed to register like that.

I don't want to put down Ali MacGraw's body,

but I think yours is great.

Maybe on top, but not on the bottom.

The bottom is every bit as good.

Turn around and let me see.

Oh, yeah.

Oh... Oh, Dwayne, I'm so glad you're staying with us.

We'll have so much fun together.

We'll go shopping and have luncheons and just everything.

Wait, wait a minute... I'm supposed

to be redoing the house. Remember?

Oh, we'll do that, too.

Dwayne, just think.

Yesterday, I was so lonely and miserable.

And today I have you.

Dwayne, what were you

before you were an interior decorator?

I was a drill sergeant in the Marine Corps.

Oh, you're teasing me.

No. Really.

You were a Marine drill sergeant?

Well, before I was shipped overseas.

You were in the war?

I have a couple of medals someplace to prove it.

But I didn't think the Marines would take...

I mean, the Marines wouldn't

take an interior decorator, would they?

I mean, they weren't that hard up, were they?

Well, I wasn't an interior decorator when I enlisted.

But you told us that you knit.

And didn't the Marines know that before they accepted you?

They taught me.

What?

When I was wounded,

as therapy, they taught us how to knit.

You want to see my wound?

Oh, no! I believe you.

I think. Here.

Let's get back to your hips.

You know, I, uh... I think

you're much too sensitive about them.

Oh.

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing. It's just that, suddenly,

I'm a woman and you're a man.

That's the way it's been all along, you know.

Well, maybe to you, but not to me.

And I just can't switch gears that fast.

I'm surprised at you.

Just because I'm an interior decorator

doesn't mean I'm automatically issued a pair of wings.

I can understand that sort of muddy thinking

coming from your father.

Yeah, but I'm his daughter, I'm afraid.

Okay, I'll spell it out for you.

I like girls. I love girls.

I'm crazy about them, and I hope to marry one someday.

Are you disappointed?

Oh, Dwayne, please don't be angry with me.

And I'll tell you something else... I like you.

From the very first second I saw you, I liked you.

Oh, be careful.

If Daddy finds out you like girls, he'll kill you.

Doesn't he like girls?

Oh, you don't understand.

The only way for you to be safe in this house

is for you to pretend you're an interior decorator.

But I am.

You know what I mean.

It's just that we're being watched all the time.

I told you how I feel about you.

Do you feel anything at all for me?

Well, I don't know.

I think so.

Well, that's good enough for me.

Okay, Angie, for you, I'll pretend to be an...

interior decorator.

All right? Okay.

Do you like this material, Ms. Stone?

Oh, yes. Very much.

Hi.

How's that?

It's perfect.

Woof!

I don't see how I can stay any longer.

The house is finished.

Oh, try to stretch it out, darling.

How? I'm all done.

Well, what if the east wing

just suddenly caught on fire?

Daddy has so many enemies,

it would seem the most natural thing in the world.

You're nuts.

Well, then, how about the basement?

You could easily take a month to jazz it up.

And you have to admit that basements full of cement

and bailing wire are out this season.

I'm nuts.

Right.

Seriously, Angie, my job is finished.

I've already done some of the closets twice.

Oh, Dwayne, I won't let you go.

I won't and I can't.

I've never been so happy in my life.

I know. And, if I leave,

he'll get suspicious when we see each other.

Oh, Dwayne, what are we going to do?

That's nice.

Daddy.

No, no, no. Hold hands like brother and sister.

That's nice. You like Wayne, huh?

Well, I like him, too.

His interior decorating is good.

He's A-OK in my book.

Well, I got to do some work in my fancy trophy room,

so you guys have a good time.

Hey! I like what you did in our bathroom.

Hey! Gives it a lot of class!

Oh...

You can't leave me here.

You must take me with you.

Run away from him?

Well, it's a big world out there.

We could get lost somewhere.

Forget it.

Interior decorators can only work so many places, you know.

We could change our names.

And you can do construction work like your father for a while

until he forgot about me and stopped looking.

He won't forget about you until the day I die.

Oh, don't say that.

Angie, I want you,

but I want you right or not at all.

Will you marry me?

What do you think I've been talking about, silly?

Well, that changes everything. Don't you see?

Well, it doesn't change anything as far as I can see.

Of course it does.

I have every right in the world to ask your father

for your hand in marriage.

I love you and I want to marry you,

and he just has to understand that.

And I'm going to ask him right now.

Oh, great!

I know.

I know! I'll take care of it.

What am I, a miracle worker?!

I know.

I know.

I'll take care of it!

Look, hold your horses!

What am I, a miracle worker?

Fixing the whole grand jury takes time, Your Honor!

Mr. Stone, we'd like to talk to you.

Yeah, what do you want?!

Oh, I don't think we timed it right.

No. It's now or never.

What's this now or never, what, what?

We'd like to speak to you a minute, uh...

alone, if we may.

The boys stay.

I don't stay in the room with nobody alone.

Daddy, we didn't come armed.

What do you want?

It... It can wait, I guess.

No, no. I want to know.

What is it, your salary?

No. You having trouble with the painters?

You tell me who's complaining and I'll take care of him!

No, it has nothing to do with the job.

It's all finished. Yeah, so?

I would like your permission

to marry your daughter.

I want to be the king of England.

Dwayne, he won't listen to us.

Mr. Stone, I love your daughter

and I'd like to marry her.

I love him, Daddy.

Love him... What are you nuts?

You think I'm going to let you marry a petunia like that?

I don't think of myself as a petunia.

Well, if you ain't, then you did a good job

of tricking me into thinking that you was.

Coming around here,

doing with the interior decorating.

Hey, you know what happens

to bums who try to trick me?

Oh, sure. I guess you could "rub me out" as they say,

but I don't think it'd be a good idea.

Yeah. Why not?

Think of your reputation.

What will your friends say

when you they find out you did in a, a petunia,

a defenseless interior decorator.

Hey, that's kind of funny.

You got to admit, boss, they'd laugh you out of town.

Eh, shut up! Shut up!

You think I care what they think?

Yes, I do.

Pretty smart, ain't you?

Well, smarty, who's going to tell them?

Well, I will!

My own angel would fink on her own father?

Is that how I brought you up?

Mr. Stone,

your disapproving of me on a stupid misconception.

I'm surprised a man in your position

would judge somebody on what he does

rather than what he is.

I can see what you are.

No, you can't.

All you see is an interior decorator.

I'm a man.

The fact that I have taste

and a certain flair for color and design

doesn't make me any less of a man.

He was in the Marine Corps, Daddy.

That should count for something.

Sure he was.

What else did he tell you?

Look, I got no more time to play girlie games with you two.

You're a stubborn man, Mr. Stone.

Well, I can be stubborn, too.

Come on, Angie.

Oh, watch out, Dwayne!

Ha!

Hyah!

Ha!

Come on, Angie.

Let's get out of here.

Wait! Wait! Where you going?

What's the big hurry, huh?

Look, I'll say this much for you.

You're smart and you got guts.

And I like the way you stood up to me.

It wasn't the smartest thing considering the odds,

but still, it took guts.

And I like the way you handled yourself.

Is that all you have to say?

What's the big hurry to get married, huh?

I tell you what.

You stay on here, you know.

The east wing...

I don't like the colors,

so do it over again and take your time.

We're getting married, Daddy.

But you hardly know each other.

I tell you what.

I'll let you take her out once in a while,

so you get to know each other.

With Rocky or one of the boys tagging along?

You wouldn't even know they're there.

Let's go.

Okay, okay, okay.

Do the living room over again.

Do it like a wedding chapel for all I care.

Oh!

Thank you, thank you.

I'll take good care of her.

Well, you'd better,

considering the family you're marrying into.

Looks like I'm going to have an interior decorator

for a son-in-law, don't it, Wayne?

Dwayne.

Okay, okay. That's what I said, Dwayne.

That's a nice name.

Thank you, Mr. Stone.

What happened?

You're going to Corsica to live, that's what happened!

Mm!

Boy, it sure is nice to get out into nature.

Fern, I love you.

Your cheeks are red roses.

Your nose is a little daisy.

Your lips are beautiful tulips.

Your eyes are sunflowers.