Original subtitles

- Last time, on "everybody loves raymond"...

- No, knock-knock jokes right now.

We're going upstairs.

- Geoffrey, say, "orange."

- Marie, please stop.

We are not telling knock-knock jokes right now.

We are going upstairs for our baths, all right?

Thank you.

Let's go.

Let's go.

- Well.

- Your mother is acting like a child,

Giving me the silent treatment.

Do you realize how passive-aggressive that is?

- First of all, I'm sorry I came over when I did.

I should know by now, by late afternoon,

You've lost complete control of the kids.

- So...

She's talking to you again.

- Well, she can do whatever she wants,

Because I'm done talking to her.

- Now, I know when we're angry and hurt,

We can only see the negative in the other person.

But you two people know, deep down,

How you feel about each other,

How you care about each other, and how much--

How much you love each other.

- A good fastball with some movement on it.

Down goes johnson.

- Frank, if you're gonna have cereal,

You can't just leave the milk sitting out.

How many times have I told you that?

- 1,000.

Might as well just give it up.

- Look at this place.

It's a pigsty.

You're like some kind of an animal.

- A pig?

- Just watch yourself, mister.

- I tell ya, this thing with debra

Has got her nuttier than ever.

They should just lace up the gloves

And go at it in the backyard.

- Come on; those two are goin' through a tough time.

All you can think about is how it affects you?

- You're like a lady.

- You know what I noticed?

Even when debra's all,

"ray! Ray! Ray! Ray! Ray! Ray! Ray!"

If she finds out I'm comin' over here,

She goes out of her way to be nice to me.

- What do you mean?

- Well, like yesterday,

Ma wanted me to come over,

And debra all of a sudden was like,

"hey, why don't you go hit a bucket of balls?"

- She told you to go to the driving range?

- Yeah.

And then I also went on the go-carts.

Hey, you know what?

You should try this with mom, get what you want.

Just talk to her,

And throw debra into the mix.

- Ah.

I like that...

Except for the "talk to her" part.

- You can't do that to ma.

She's your wife.

- Go home.

Hey, marie!

- What?

- Uh, you're right,

I have been making a mess here.

We'll just go over to debra's.

- What are you talking about?

- Yeah, yeah.

I'll get out of your hair.

- No, don't be silly.

Sit.

- No, no, no, no.

It's easy enough to go across the street.

Come on, ray.

- No, why would you do that?

You know what you need?

Grilled cheese.

- Double cheese?

No crust?

- Of course. Sit.

Would you like a grilled cheese, raymond?

- You got bacon?

- Of course.

- How about you, rob?

- [pointedly] no, thank you.

- Okay, then, two grilled cheese comin' up.

- I love you.

[phone rings]

- Hello.

Hey, ma.

Yeah, yeah, dad's here.

We're just watching the game.

Yeah, but she's leaving to pick up the kids.

- Does she want to know what I'm doing?

Tell her I'm here too.

- Robert's here too.

I don't know.

He wanted me to tell you.

Yeah.

All right.

Okay, bye-bye.

Ma wasn't too happy that you're here, dad.

- Good, she's getting the message.

I came over here

Because the omelet she made me this morning

Was half-assed.

- You're here to punish ma?

I think that's terrible.

- No, I'll tell you what's terrible:

A salami omelet that's skimpy on the salami.

- You know what, ray?

Tell your mother not to call here anymore.

I am sick of feeling like I can't answer the phone

In my own house.

- I can't tell her not to call.

- I'll do it.

- All right, I'll tell her if she needs to talk to me

To let the phone ring once-- that'll be her signal--

Then hang up and call back.

- Fine, I'll use the same signal

If you're over there and I need to talk to you.

- And when I pick up, you do a little heavy breathing--

- I'll be back in half an hour.

- Hello?

- What's goin' on, ma?

- I thought you boys could use a little snack.

Stuffed mushrooms.

- Let's have it.

- I know it's usually slim pickings around here.

That's why I wanted to bring these over

As quickly as I could.

- Mmm, these are good.

Better than that omelet.

- Yes, I know.

I'm sorry.

I was almost out of salami,

And I knew the omelet wasn't right.

I should've just thrown it out or given it to robbie.

Well, eat up, boys.

There's plenty more where that came from...

Across the street.

- Ray, your car is blocking me, so if you--

So I'll just take your car.

Okay? If that's okay.

- Yeah, okay.

- Well, boys, I have to get back.

I've got a lot of treats to make,

Which will be delicious.

- You know, ray, as long as I'm taking your car,

Do you want me to gas it up for you?

- Oh, yeah, if you don't mind.

- No, no, it would be fun.

- Frank, I'm gonna make cannelloni tonight.

- Sounds okay.

- Oh, actually, no.

Instead of cannelloni, I'll make some lamb.

A whole lamb.

- Yeah?

With that mint jelly I like?

- Of course, whatever you want, h-honey.

- Oh, come on.

- So, ray, uh...

What if I bring home a pizza for dinner?

- Oh.

- And maybe a nice bottle of wine?

- Oh!

- Marie, no wine.

- Frank, you rascal.

- Okay, well, I'll see you, sweetie.

Bye, frank. Bye, robert.

- Bye. - Bye.

- I love you fellas!

Bye-bye!

- Oh, man!

We gotta get these two hens together more often.

- I know.

I'll bet I can get a week of golf at myrtle beach.

- I might be able to get marie

Up on the roof to clean the gutters.

[laughter]

- You two, playing your wives against each other--

You're despicable!

- Calm down, dainty duck.

- Yeah, what?

We tried to get them to stop fighting.

If they wanna keep it up, why should we have to suffer?

- There's a difference between not suffering

And exploiting the situation.

You should be supporting your wives,

Bringing them together.

This is not the way for a family to behave.

- You know, while marie's up on the roof,

I'll have her install a satellite dish.

- Hi, robert.

- Hey, deb.

- Come on in.

- All right.

Raymond around?

- No, he's out buying himself a new putter.

- Isn't that nice for him.

So how are you?

- I'm fine.

- That's good. I'm glad one of us is fine.

- You're not fine, robert?

- Well, you know me--

I don't do well with the tension.

It gets me right in the gut.

And this thing with you and my mom,

Muy tensionoso.

- Is that spanish for "very tense"?

- I don't know.

All I know is, I'm popping antacids

Like they're cocktail peanuts.

Come on, you know,

This fight has gone on long enough.

I bet you can't even remember

Why you were mad at each other in the first place.

- Why?

Because your mother is condescending,

Overbearing, patronizing...

- Okay, okay. - Manipulative--

- Okay!

The whys are not important.

But what is important

Is to remember that life is short.

You know how they always say

You should never go to bed mad?

Well, I say it'd even be worse to go to the big bed mad.

Hmm?

- I'm sorry, robert.

I--I know what you're saying,

But I have to tell you,

I need to start thinking about myself for a change.

- Okay.

I know that raymond's thinking about himself.

- Ray? What--what-- what do you mean?

- Huh?

- What is it, robert?

- Well, maybe it's just me,

But I'm of the opinion that a man should be

More concerned about his family's well-being

Than figuring out a way to get his wife to let him go

On a week-long golf retreat to myrtle beach.

- What golf retreat?

- Come on; you haven't noticed

He's been dropping hints like crazy?

Maybe that's because you're too busy running around

Gassing up his car,

Drinking wine, and having to...

Do things because of the wine.

- Robert, all I--

- Wake up, sis!

Dad and raymond have a laundry list of stuff

They're trying to get out of you two!

They're exploiting the situation.

They're playing you two against each other.

They're laughing at you, and it's making me sick!

But if it doesn't bother you...

You know, they say you should never go to bed mad.

Well, I say it'd be even worse to go the big bed mad.

Hmm?

All right, ma.

There's something you should know.

And I'm only saying this 'cause I don't want

To see you on the roof.

- [whistling]

Hey, moonshine!

Well, here she is.

A little more expensive than I thought,

But it'll be worth it, you know,

If I ever go on a, I don't know, golf retreat or something.

- Yeah, that's nice.

Let me ask you something, ray.

How long did you think you'd be able

To use me and your mom?

- How's that?

- You didn't think I was smart enough

To see what you were doing?

- I don't--what are you talking about?

- Don't play dumb with me!

- I'm not! This is how I am.

- You know, you're not exactly subtle,

Sittin' there like some roman emperor.

"bring me my pizza! Serve me my wine!

Pretend you're a lonely nurse!"

- Hey.

You know what the guys at the lodge

Were just tellin' me?

Apparently, if you install it yourself,

A satellite dish is actually quite affordable.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

Anyway, make me a sandwich, will ya?

- You want a sandwich?

- Uh, roast beef, mayo, mustard, lettuce,

Tomato, cheese, easy onion.

- Sounds nice. What kind of bread?

- Let's go with the whole wheat today, shall we?

- All right.

- Ow! Hey! Hey! Ow!

Okay, white bread, then!

- You didn't think I'd catch on to you, mr. Sleazy man?

Oh, I caught on. Oh, did I catch on!

Sure, getting the two of us to wait on you hand and foot,

Through exploiting the situation.

I wish this bread was stale.

I would give you a concussion!

Look who it is.

I suppose you're here to get something to eat.

- Don't ask for a sandwich.

- If you're hungry, I suggest you go back across the street,

'cause this kitchen is closed!

- Her too?

- Yeah.

What happened to you?

- Debra.

She started yellin' at me

And tellin' me I was using her fight with mom

For my own good,

Said I was exploiting the situation.

- Wait a minute.

"exploiting the situation,"

That's exactly what your mother just said.

- Really? Well, how did both mom and debra know--

- Oh, hey, I forgot my tums.

Well, I'm off.

- Hey, robert.

You got any idea why ray and I

Just got our grapes crushed by the broads?

- Okay, take it easy.

Some things might have been said in passing that--

That possibly could have been misconstrued.

- You sold us out, man! - You're a rat!

We had something good going, and you ruined it!

- Okay, hold on. Hold on.

You didn't have "something good" going.

- Yes, we did!

For once, I was enjoying my marriage!

- Let me tell you something.

You two got what you deserved.

I don't care that you're mad at me.

I'm sorry that your putter got bent, raymond,

And I'm sorry ma's not hanging off the roof

With 50 foot of cable and a ratchet!

But, by god, I will do whatever it takes

To make this family whole!

- I think you're the family hole.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

[both yelling]

- What's going on here?

- Hey, robert, why don't you run cryin' to your mommy

And tell her about how mean we just were to you?

- Yeah, squeal on us again, mommy-lover!

That's right. That's right.

- Shut up, raymond.

[men gasp]

- We don't say "shut up" in this house.

- First of all, it's never squealing

If you're telling something to your mother.

And I happen to appreciate robbie letting me know

What you two were trying to do to debra and me.

I would be happy to make you something to eat.

[phone rings]

- Wait.

One ring.

That's debra's signal.

[ringing resumes]

- You can pick up that phone, ma.

[ringing]

Ma, make this right.

You can make this right.

[ringing continues]

You can do it, ma.

Remember that big bed.

Attaway, ma!

Ma!

This was your chance!

What did we just talk about in there?

What about the big bed?

- All your talk about the big bed,

Why don't you tell that to debra?

- I did!

- You did?

You told her the same thing you told me?

- I was just trying to-- to show--

- Oh! Enough.

You're a double agent.

- What are you talking about?

- Yeah, that's exactly what a double agent would say.

- You didn't have enough faith in me

To know that I would do the right thing,

So you went to her too.

- You didn't do the right thing!

- That's hardly the point!

- Hardly!

What he did is much worse than what we did, right, ma?

- Shut up, raymond.

- We say it all the time now?

- Tell me something, robert.

Who did you talk to first about this, debra or me?

- I don't remember.

- You went to her first,

Because you couldn't wait to take her side over mine!

- I'm on no one's side!

- You obviously don't love me the way I love you.

Get out! - Ma!

I'm on the family's side!

- Throw him out! - With pleasure!

- All right, I'm going!

But let me just say this.

When we are all in that big bed,

I'll be the only one able to sleep through the night.

- I ain't sleepin' in that bed with him.

He sleeps naked.

- I wasn't goin' anywhere.

Don't bend 'em.

- [sighs]

I'd like some chips.

- Oh!