Original subtitles

- Hi, marie. - Oh, hi, dear.

- Listen. Thanks for watching the kids.

I really need to get to the dentist.

- I think it's wonderful that you take all this time

For yourself.

- Thank you.

What are you working on there?

- Oh, it's a barone family christmas letter.

You know, I want to keep people up-to-date

On what we've all been doing.

- Well, don't forget to mention my new filling.

[laughs]

This have to go out this afternoon.

I'll go round up the kids.

- Okay.

- [gasps]

[gasps]

Oh, lady, you are out of your ever-lovin' mind.

Marie...

- Oh, my god.

Oh, honey, are you all right?

- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Wait the hell are you--

- Oh, you should look where you're going.

Let me get you some ice.

- No, marie, forget the ice.

Who are you sending this to?

- Oh, you know, family and friends.

Oh, here.

Put this broccoli on your head.

- You cannot send this out.

- I don't understand.

- "debra's cooking is coming along.

"someday I might even consider her for a job

At chez marie."

You're considering me

For a job in your restaurant?

- Oh, it's not a real restaurant.

It's make-believe.

- Okay, what about this? What about this?

"debra is outnumbered by the kids 3-to-1,

So I've had to help out, so now it's even."

So you're saying that you are worth two of me.

- Oh, no one's going to do the math.

I'm just saying it's nice.

- It's not nice.

It's you having to help poor, pathetic debra.

- And isn't that nice?

- It's not true.

You are not sending this out.

- Oh?

I'm not?

- Not like this. No way.

- Well, I'm sorry, but this is my letter,

And this is america.

- Fine.

You know what?

Fine.

Good-bye, marie.

- Debra-- - good-bye.

I know. I know. I forgot the kids.

You gonna put that in your letter?

Debra...

- Ow. - Oh, oh, oh.

- Hey, eight maids a-milkin'.

- Are we gonna do this every night until christmas?

Can't we just cut to "partridge in a pear tree"

And be done with it?

- Wow.

Why don't we go to macy's?

You can punch santa and kick an elf.

- Sorry. I'm sorry.

It's just that your mother is sending out

This stupid family christmas letter,

And I look terrible in it.

She makes it sound as if she has to raise my kids

While I sit around and drool into a cup.

- Just let her have her delusions.

What else does she have?

Chasing dad around the house with a can of lysol?

- Yeah, but she's mailing those delusions to everybody.

People are gonna think it's true.

It'll be, "thank god marie lives close enough

To help that idiot woman and her dirty family."

- Hello.

I saw you pull in, raymond,

And I thought you'd like some biscotti.

- Oh, thanks.

Biscotti?

- No, thank you.

- Actually, I made them for you, debra.

- Oh, that's nice.

It's nice.

- I'm sorry, debra.

- Oh, that's so nice. - Okay, okay, okay.

- I'm sorry that that letter upset you so.

- No, no, it's okay. It's okay.

You don't have to apologize.

- Have a biscotti.

- Thank you. I would love one.

- Oh, I'm so glad we could put this behind us.

- Me too; it's beautiful what's happening here.

- Okay, I've got to get those letters

To the post office before they close.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You're still sending that letter?

- Oh, of course, dear. I have to.

- You have to?

Marie, when I speak,

What is it you hear?

Is it, like, backwards talk or dolphin squeaks?

See, this is the reason I have to send my letter.

It's from my cousin theresa.

It came yesterday.

Here, read.

- "merry christmas and season's greetings

"to old friends and new friends,

Dear friends and true friends."

- Enough, enough. I can't anymore.

- I thought you liked theresa.

- I love her, but read this here.

"our choir sang at the white house.

My roses were featured in "good housekeeping."

Look at all of those exclamation points.

You'd think that she pulled the pope out of quicksand

Or something.

- So you don't like it that theresa's doing well?

- Oh, it's not that. You know me.

I don't bother about petty jealousy.

- Yeah.

That is not your style.

- That's right.

I just want people to read about me and think,

"marie is doing well too."

- Yeah, I can understand that,

But can't you write a letter that makes you look good

Without making me look so...

- Doofus-y?

- Yeah, doofus-y.

- I guess I'm just trying to make myself

Sound as important as theresa.

But what am I?

I've got my kids. I've got my grandkids.

Him over there.

It's okay.

I'll just let the world

Read about me in theresa's letter.

- What did she write about you?

- Not much. How much is there, really?

- Marie.

- Third page, second paragraph.

- "we saw marie and her family at kate kelly's wedding.

"they all seemed to be doing well

"in their cozy little situation

"living a stone's throw from each other,

Not that they'd ever throw stones, ha-ha."

Oh. She's a bitch.

- Listen, I would never say that,

But it's nice to hear.

- Well, wait. What's so bad?

- "not that they'd ever throw stones, ha-ha"?

She's saying we don't get along.

Where does somebody get off writing that?

You know what, marie?

You and I are gonna write

Our own christmas letter together.

- Oh, no.

- We can write a better letter than saint theresa.

We'll make us both look good.

Maybe you can even come up with a little dirt on her.

- She does have eczema.

- Great.

- What are we gonna write about me?

- What about all your trips to the botanical gardens, huh?

Get up. - What?

- Oh. What about the gardens?

- Well, you know more about that place than most of the guides.

"marie is the best guide at the botanical gardens."

We'll put that right in there.

- We would? - Yeah, of course.

Let's start right now.

The sooner we write it, the sooner we can wipe

That smug grin off her dry, itchy face.

[laughter]

- Hey, uh, excuse me. Excuse me.

Let's not forget it's christmas, you know,

A time for not being so...

[witchy laughter]

And to all a good night.

- Okay, this all looks great.

You know, there's just one thing.

Shouldn't we use the word "selfless"

To describe your work as a piano teacher?

- Oh, hi, robbie.

- Hello.

- Hey, robert. What's going on?

- "robert's meteoric rise through the nypd

"has really turned some heads

Both here at home and at the precinct."

What is this?

- I heard you were writing a family christmas letter,

So I did my bio.

I would like it inserted verbatim.

- You wrote your own thing?

- Indeed I did.

- Well, we've already finished it.

- Yeah. - Oh, really?

Is it anything like your last christmas letter?

- Well, I haven't written a christmas letter

In ten years.

- Look familiar?

- You kept that ten years?

I wasn't exactly pleased with the way I was portrayed,

And I made a solemn pledge to never let that happen again.

- Dude, you are so weird.

- Am I, raymond?

Am I?

There were six lines in your section.

I got three.

Half, okay?

Everybody gave me, like, a pitiful, pathetic look.

- You always get that look.

- It was more pronounced, man.

- Well, we can't change anything now, robbie.

But don't worry.

There's a lovely part about you.

- Oh, yeah? Let me see that.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, okay, mm-hmm.

All right, raymond gets one, two, three, four, five, six,

Seven lines, and I get one, two, three.

Three. Less than half. I'm losing ground.

- All right. Let's see what you wrote.

"robert is an in-demand bachelor

Happily playing the field."

- That's right.

- "robert loves to dance

And has been known to boogie the night away."

So let me get this straight.

You've broadened the definition of the term "boogie"

To include staying home by yourself eating wheat thins?

- I am a dancer.

What are you getting so worked up for?

It's a christmas letter.

It's no big deal.

- Oh, yeah, not for you.

You've got the whole raymond fan club

Doing your writing.

Let's take a gander

At this year's model, shall we?

[clears throat]

"what can you say about raymond?

"whether he's playing with the children

Or playing golf, the guy loves life."

Oh, happy days.

"he is still writing his column

For new york 'newsday.'"

- Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

What do you mean "still writing my column"?

Like I should be doing something better by now?

- No, that's not what we meant.

- It's not "still writing."

It's "still writing."

- Yeah, well, but that's not how it's gonna read.

People are gonna get the wrong impression here.

- Ooh.

- This is going out to everybody that we know?

- Of course. - No, not like this, it isn't.

- Oh, ray, come on. You're overreacting.

- I am not overreacting.

- Hee hee.

- I could be managing editor of the sports page

I could work for the "new york times" if I wanted.

- We know that, raymond.

- By the way, why didn't you go for that managing editor thing?

- Oh, see. There it is.

See, the truth comes out.

That's what you mean by "still".

- No, no, no, that's not what we meant.

- I'm gonna write what I want in it.

- "merry christmas, robert."

- Hey. Hey, hold it, hold it.

I'm hungry.

- You'll have to wait.

Debra and I have to finish our christmas letter.

- Yeah, look what they write about you in here, dad.

- What do you mean? What's it say?

- Yeah, all they do is list your favorite cable channels,

And then they say,

"his love affair with bacon continues."

- The surgery channel on there, marie?

- First on the list.

- I'm good.

- Well, yeah, well, I'm not, okay?

Look, you may not think my job is so hot,

But 600,000 discriminating readers do.

- So you've broadened the definition

Of the word "discriminating"

To include people who do their reading

With their elbow on a roll of toilet paper?

- Hey, at least I don't spend my whole life

Competing with my little brother.

- Oh, yeah? Well, you know what, raymond?

I don't have to compete with you.

- Oh, you don't compete? That's all you do.

- Yeah, sure.

- Look at this. You saved this for ten years.

Ten years.

- Oh, my god.

I saved that letter for ten years.

- Oh, robert, that's not so bad.

- In a ziplock bag.

Everything I do-- my job, my marriage,

Trying to get mom and dad's attention...

- Leave me out of this.

- Anytime something good happens to me,

The first thought I get is, "hey, what about that, raymond?"

And if it's something bad,

I actually say a prayer that ray...

Doesn't do so good that day.

- You say a prayer?

- "come on, god...

Get him."

- I remember this letter.

I had all the stuff I was going to do

When I retire on this.

- Was "being nicer to your wife" on there?

- Might as well have been. It's all ridiculous crap.

"fix up a '57 chevy

And drive it across the country."

Why would I want to do that?

That's where california is.

You all know how I feel about california...

Both: Yes. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- A state full of nut jobs, hippies, and artsy-fartsies.

Drive across country? I'd rather drive off a cliff.

- I'll warm up the car.

- All right. Here's what it should say.

"ray entertains and informs his readers

"with stories that use sports

To illuminate the human condition."

You heard me. "human condition".

- Write whatever you want, ray.

If you're happy where you are, then so am I.

All I'm saying is that if you went for that promotion,

- Yeah, well, what if the job I have right now, huh,

What if that's it?

- Yeah, that's fine. Great.

But I just think that--

- No buts, all right? Don't but.

- I already tried for the stupid editor thing, all right?

Twice.

I didn't get it... Twice.

There, you happy?

- Little better.

Sorry.

- Why didn't you say something before?

- It's not exactly something you come home bragging about.

- Seriously, man,

You can't keep all that stuff bottled up.

You have to share it with us...

When you fail.

- Oh, sweetie.

- Oh, honey.

Honey...

Why don't you ever talk to me about your problems?

I'm a good listener.

- I've wasted the last ten years of my life.

- Not now, frank.

- I didn't do any of the stuff on here.

None of it. Now what the hell am I?

Just a list of cable channels

And a big stinking pile of bacon waiting to die.

At least you weren't competing with someone your entire life.

You were your own man.

- "were your own man"?

Past tense?

You can't wait, can you?

- Hey, don't worry, dad.

You're still alive,

Just like I'm "still" a writer.

We should all be counting our blessings.

Why did you write a christmas letter?

- Hey, it's not too late to do all the things on that list.

- "see frank sinatra in concert"?

- All right, all right. Enough. Here.

Make a new list and start on that.

You can do it. You're not dead yet, frank.

And, robert, come on.

You're smart, successful, handsome,

No matter what ray does or doesn't do.

You're not a loser.

In the new york city police department for god's sake.

- Yeah, what about me?

- You're fine. You're married to me, okay?

All of you.

Come on.

- Why'd you even have to write that letter?

It's the letter that makes us sound bad.

- Get rid of the letter.

- No. We worked all afternoon on this.

- It's our christmas letter.

- Yeah, I want out of it.

I forbid you to use my name or likeness.

- Oh, frank, no. Don't.

- Me too. Me too.

- No, ray, come on.

- Hey, hey, I'm not gonna be the only loser in there.

I'm out too.

- This is christmas.

We're supposed to share our joyous news of family.

- It's nobody's damn business.

- Damn straight.

- Let's watch the game. - Yeah.

- Oh, come on, guys.

- Look at this.

We can't send it out like this.

What will people think?

It's just me and you now.

Here's your part, dear.

- I've got to get this to the post office.

Thanks for your help, dear.

- Isn't this nice?

Christmas morning, and we're all together.

- Yeah, this is nice.

- This is what it's all about.

- Yeah, read another one, dad.

This one is from linda and dennis mccarthy.

- Oh, boy. - Oh, they're the worst.

- "dear family and friends..."

- We're neither. Keep going.

- "is it christmas already?

"with our trip to colonial williamsburg,

"remodeling the living room,

"and denny's successful run for city council,

The months have just flown by."

City council of what city? Jackassville?

[laughter]

- Is there a picture with that? Let me see the picture.

- Here you go. - They always send pictures.

- Yeah, they always send them.

There you go. There it is.

- Oh, it looks like that living room

Isn't the only thing she's remodeled.

It looks like she's in a wind tunnel.

- Yeah.

- "of course, the big news around here

"is the new addition to our family.

"his name is tic-tac,

And he's 22 pounds of fuzzy fun."

- That is one ugly kid.

[laughter]

The kid's outside peeing on a fire hydrant.

- Oh, I love christmas.