Original subtitles

ALL: Ooh!

Look, Freddie. Spit-shined and ready to go.

Wait.

(gargles, spits)

Just needed a little more spit.

Ooh, is this one of those edible arrangements?

(spits) No.

So, are you nervous?

(scoffs)

Does LeBron James get nervous before the big game?

Are you LeBron James in this situation?

(laughs nervously)

I'm the one who convinced these two to give it a shot,

but you don't see anyone giving me a diamond.

Do you think they'll give me a diamond?

Oh, Millicent, this isn't about you.

Now let me stand to your right

so I get my good side in the pictures.

Oh, I got it.

(chuckles): Yes!

It's covered in my mother's spit.

It really is.

"Hello, Carly. We haven't spoken in three weeks,

so let me just say something weird to you."

Uh, is this an intervention?

- (door closes) - Fine, Marissa.

It is me eating your makeup,

but I can stop any time I want!

Lewbert Robinette Patricia Sline...

(whispers): Robinette Patricia?

(whispers): I know. I love it.

Lewbert, my Big Sline,

- my Sline Ball. - Uh...

Will you make me the happiest mother of Freddie on earth?

(screaming)

Is that a no?

(others clapping)

I want what they have.

- Do you? - Not really.

- (door opens) - Hey, Freddie...

- Oh, yay! - Hi. - Hi.

Pearl's here! Everybody, look!

It's Pearl and she's here!

A toast to Pearl!

Who is here!

Ah.

Thanks,

- but Freddie is all the toast that I need. - Aw.

(groans) These are both empty.

I'm engaged!

I'm gonna dig up my mom and laugh in her face!

Aw, another couple as happy as we are.

- (chuckles) - Sad I missed it.

Oh, hey, no prob, I caught the whole thing.

(chuckles): It looks like Freddie is proposing to Carly.

You want me to text it to you?

(chuckles): If you had been here,

you would have laughed and laughed,

or made the face you're making right now.

? I know ?

? You see ?

? Somehow the world will change for me ?

? And be so wonderful ?

? So wake up the members of my nation ?

? It's your time to be ?

? There's no chance unless you take one ?

? And the time to see the brighter side ?

? Of every situation ?

? Some things are meant to be ?

? So give me your best and leave the rest to me. ?

So, what'll it be?

Wine and crying, or whiskey and light violence?

You're sweet, but it's just gonna be

my regular nightly routine...

Drinking kombucha from a wine glass

and watching videos of soldiers reuniting with their dogs.

I'm fine.

Really? 'Cause that was more awkward than

when we had to tell Millicent her goldfish moved to Canada

for the health care.

Which part?

Almost proposing to Carly

after not talking to her for three weeks?

My girlfriend walking in right after?

My mom getting engaged to the adult man I bullied as a child?

Pearl outright refusing my offer to text her that video?

So, you and Carly really didn't talk

the entire time you were gone?

Of course we didn't.

He was on a super romantic road trip.

With my girlfriend.

Pearl thought Carly and I were in love,

and I want it to work with Pearl, so I said,

"Let's get in the car and just drive."

- (chuckles) Mm-hmm. Yeah. - You know, spontaneous, romantic.

A logistical nightmare.

Who's driving? Where are you staying?

How long are you milking one pair of underwear?

It was just what we needed.

That and couples therapy four times a week.

Mm. I can't do therapy. Too smart for it.

They're so committed.

I mean, paying $200 an hour to someone who knows

what the problem is but refuses to tell you?

Freddie and Pearl are thriving.

Okay, but what about Freddie and Carly?

When he ran after Pearl on his birthday,

you waited up for him all night, crying.

I was watching a sad movie.

The sad movie was your life.

Fine. You know, I was upset that night.

I wanted a conversation.

And instead, I got a text two days later.

"Hit the open road with my lady. Talk soon?"

Stalk of wheat emoji.

A perfect text.

Stalk of wheat means impotence.

So, that's it.

No part of you thinks that you're into Freddie?

Well, that's the thing.

You know, I shouldn't have to think about it.

I want someone that I am crazy about.

Someone that makes my knees buckle.

I just wish she'd stop running away from the conversation.

You drove through six states and three sovereign indigenous areas

in the same pair of underwear

to get away from that exact conversation.

Well, he's back now. You guys can talk.

And I so want to do that,

but I can't.

Not everybody has time to just go gallivanting

across the Pacific Northwest like some GD Sasquatch.

I'm too busy with my new project.

And if that project is real, I'm very happy for you.

(scoffs): Oh, it's real.

(whispers): Paul, I need a new project.

A real one.

An outdoor Las Vegas wedding in August at high noon?

What a dream!

We were considering Hawaii, but there's just something classy

about a place where you can smoke in church.

(phone chimes)

- Your Uber's here, lemon peel. - Oh.

I use Marissa's account since my rating is a 0.3.

They're literally allowed to leave me anywhere.

You will always have five stars with this girl.

It's sweet to see you so excited

for their outdoor high noon Las Vegas... Wait a minute.

I happened to hack into Grandma B's email

and saw who she's considering for maid of honor.

Danica from book club.

Wait, which Danica?

The Danica who thought Lean In was too sexy,

or the Danica who never takes off her beret?

- Beret. - Oh, Danica.

Wait, have you hacked into my email?

No, I respect you too much. Wink.

Don't feel bad. Danica's been a maid of honor before,

and those dogs are still together.

Are you saying all I have to do is

prove I'll be a better maid of honor for Grandma B,

and the gig is mine?

You know I'm not.

So glad I got to meet up with my favorite client in person.

You know, on the phone, it's all business.

If I don't get a new project immediately,

I am going to burn this city to the ground.

My cat's surgery went great. Thanks for asking.

- How about TV? - I don't know.

The last time I did a TV show, I got replaced by a dinosaur.

Well, kids love dinosaurs.

This would be reality TV, so it'll be real.

Networks are hot for shows about content creators.

They figure your followers will watch it.

They won't, but who cares?

We'll already have the cash.

As long as I have total control but people still like me.

I want to be an absolute boss in a fun way.

Like "Go ahead, wear jeans on Fridays, but fear me."

Bully me, queen. (chuckles)

First thing we need is a hook,

like how the D'Amelios are sisters,

or how the Kardashians are sisters.

Well, I guess the hook is a sister.

I only have a brother.

Oh, right, Spencer.

No.

You know who might make good TV? Freddie.

Freddie? Freddie Benson?

Fredward "Freduccini" Benson?

The neighbor boy who does the five, four, three, two?

(chuckles): Oh, I think I know what's going on.

Five, four, three, two, you're smashing.

What? No! Freddie has a girlfriend.

Presumably they're smashing.

Oh, so it's a love triangle?

Because that's a hook.

Amore triangula.

Except there is no triangle.

There's a love line between Freddie and Pearl.

He and I are a squiggle at best.

A squiggle. We're gonna win an Emmy!

Whoo!

Look, I am gonna bring so much drama,

you're not gonna even care that Freddie's girlfriend

- accused us of being in love. - (gasps)

Not that that happened.

Amore triangula.

You, latte me, you, fix the lighting,

and you, call my grandmother and you tell her to apologize.

(voice breaking): She knows what she did.

Carly! You look great.

Very natural.

I know, right?

Rumor has it, my ponytail belonged to

Queen Elizabeth's horse.

The real star has arrived!

Somebody get me a director's chair, a green juice

and a PA to scream at!

Hey, excuse me, terrifying woman.

Do you know where I can find Ms. Carly Shay?

I'm right here.

I'm just disguised under this blanket of luxury.

Do I need to get into costume?

PA, luxury blanket! Now!

Spencer, I don't know how to tell you this, so...

I'm gonna make Paul do it.

You've been recast.

Hi, Carly! It's me, Sunny!

You threw up on me at hot bitch yoga?

We nearly beat a man to death together?

We're sisters and best friends?

Oh, yes, our fun, sisterly memories

of assault and bodily fluids.

I ran a very routine DNA test,

and it turns out Sunny is Carly's 11th cousin.

But since she has a massive following,

we're rounding up to sister.

If we're gonna be sisters,

we should figure out who's older.

My filler guy and I were thinking you.

But I already told a woman

I want to sleep with that I'm on this show.

I also told her that I'm Dax Shepard,

and I don't want to lie to her twice.

I'm sorry, Spencer.

I'm not. That's showbiz, baby.

Okay, you know what you do need? A host.

- That's me. I'm the host. - This show doesn't have a host.

Next up on House of Shay,

Paul shuts up and admits he was wrong.

Wow. I am feeling good about this.

I mean, we got a sister.

We got my literal ponytail.

We got an unqualified white male host.

Yeah, and we've always got the amore...

No, don't say it.

There's no need for it.

Sunny and I are gonna rip each other to shreds.

Actually, I'm pivoting away from "fighting."

I learned to channel my difficult emotions

into reading YA fantasy novels to the blind.

I do all the voices.

(deep, raspy voice): Welcome to Troll Crossing.

Hey, thanks for organizing this suspiciously elaborate luncheon.

- It's the least I could do. - Hmm.

Welcome to the family, Mr. Sline.

Or should I say Pop-Pop?

(screaming, laughing)

It'll be nice to have a strong male role model in my life.

I taught you how to hunt.

This is all so fancy.

These are the kind of plates you use again.

Oh, no, my fun blouse!

Would you like me to lick it off, orange rind?

No need for that, Pop-Pop.

I have a stain remover right here.

I also have a lint roller, a sewing kit

and your favorite shade of medicated ChapStick.

ALL: Clear.

Hey, those are all things

a maid of honor would have at a wedding.

You haven't picked one out yet, have you?

- (utensils clatter) - Oh.

Don't you think forcing the conversation

before she's ready will do more harm than good?

Don't you think you're confusing my thing with Granny

and your thing with Carly?

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you can find your prince.

And let me tell you, Grandma B spent

a lot of time in the swamp. (chuckles)

Pause for laughter.

(cell phone chimes)

Oh, it's Danica from book club.

She put her beret in the dryer, and now it's way too small!

Can she give it to her pet mouse?

No, you know Julien hates hats.

She needs us.

I never should have paused for laughter.

Welcome back to the most dramatic episode

of any show ever.

Still in play are two immunity idols, four roses,

and a lip sync for your life.

And it all starts... now.

Okay, uh, Carly, Sunny, let's try this yet again.

I need some real conflict. Okay?

Okay.

You ate the last of the peanut butter

and then put the jar back in the cabinet.

So I thought there was more, but there wasn't!

Oh, do we live together?

That's fun.

Sunny, no, we need more drama.

You know what? Wh-Why don't you just hit me

one time, real quick.

Oh, I'll hit you, with some character work.

(silly voice): Greetings from Troll Crossing.

Oh, this is nothing.

Cut!

(sighs) That was everything I look for in reality TV.

I mean, peanut butter larceny, roommates, that voice.

I wanted more troll.

It's not working. Look.

You know what every reality show has that we're missing?

Writers, wine throwing, Andy Cohen?

Don't you dare shift those fingers.

Don't you shift them!

- Don't. - It's bigger than the both of us.

Oh!

Look, Paul.

I don't have feelings for Freddie,

but it's complicated.

-You know, I don't know much about friendship squiggles -(elevator bell chimes)

or sex rhombuses, but... (gasps)

(whispers): Amore triangula.

Look, the road trippers finally made the trip to set.

(laughs): I also have a fulfilling life.

FREDDIE: I was surprised you're doing another TV show.

Last time, you got replaced by a dinosaur.

Oh, kids love dinosaurs.

(roars) Love me.

That was a dinosaur.

So, you two sure you want to be on my reality show?

Yes. We had an emergency session with Dr. Susan,

during which I told Freddie,

"If you're sure you have no feelings for Carly whatsoever,

"we should do the show.

"And any scene I'm not in, I'll sit on the side

with my arms crossed, watching closely."

To which I replied, "How can I say no?"

(chuckles) Do I get $200 an hour for listening to that story?

(laughs) Fun.

Is it too late to replace me with a dinosaur?

I'm on it?

But until then,

I have got a fun and relaxing activity for you all to enjoy.

Aerial silking!

I do not feel relaxed!

Perfect, perfect.

Use that anxiety to fuel your confrontation

at the dramatic height of two to three feet.

(grunts) Can I get a helmet?

Can you make that two?

Freddie, I'm flying!

She's very flexible.

Triple-jointed elbows.

Oh, yeah? Watch this.

Carly, don't worry about the actual silking.

Uh, worry about being alone forever

because Freddie refuses to speak to you. Wow.

Is that what she told you?

Why did no one fetch me from my trailer

that should have been provided? I am the host.

There's no host.

Our first twist is a twist.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Dude, no, no! - (Carly yelping)

Oh, God! I may not survive this!

CARLY: Aah! I need a Dramamine!

I was Peter Pan off Broadway.

Hey, Freddie. Freddie, Freddie, Freddie.

Do you know what Carly's been saying about you? I do.

Because I've got the receipts.

- Those are from CVS. - I know, but I used them to write down

everything you told me the other day.

Here we go, here we go.

Um... (clears throat)

Pearl could tell you and Carly were in love.

You went after Pearl while Carly waited up all night for you,

- crying her eyes out... - (screaming)

- Oh, my... (groans) - (grunts)

That's going on the sizzle reel.

Let's do it again, but this time tackle Pearl.

I am done with this.

But...

But I am keeping the ponytail.

(exhales sharply)

Okay, fine. I'll play Carly.

Hey, Milli-Vanil.

You doing okay?

Grandma B officially chose her maid of honor,

and it's Danica, from book club.

(cries): With the beret.

Hey, your grandmother worships you, okay?

You are going to be part of her wedding.

Don't tell me I'm gonna be an usher.

I will accept DJ or higher.

Relationships aren't about titles.

They're about being there for each other.

Even when they make questionable choices?

Even when you're dangling from the ceiling

- with a silk so far up your butt that you... - I beg you.

Have secrets.

Millicent, we have something we wanted to ask you.

? There's a girl living here ?

? That we always hold dear ?

? Good old Millicent ?

Is this happening? Did Danica die?

? Such grit and such fight, sweet as Turkish delight ?

? She's good old Millicent ?

? The virtues that we extol ?

? Deserve a starring role ?

? Will you please, please marry us? ?

Be your officiant?

Yes! That's, like, higher than the bride!

And then I tackled Paul to the ground.

In a cool way?

No.

(knocking)

Hey, Carly, um...

can we finally talk?

- Oh, I'd love to, but, uh, Harper is... - Bye.

A terrible friend.

What do you want to talk about?

How bananas are going extinct?

What's gonna happen to smoothies?

- I know some people like to put almonds in it, so... - Um...

How about why you flying-tackled Paul?

I guess that's a good topic, too.

I did wait up for you that night,

but then you went off with Pearl,

and things are going so great with you guys,

I just thought, you know, maybe we don't need to talk.

Maybe we could just go back to being Freddie and Carly.

So I...

Created a whole-ass reality show just to avoid talking to me?

Just as any normal person would.

Look, I'll admit it.

Over the years, I've thought about

whether we should be together.

And thought about it...

BOTH: And thought about it and thought about it.

But you shouldn't have to think about it.

Exactly.

And...

you know what I never have to think about?

Being Carly and Freddie.

I know.

It's the best.

(phone chimes)

Shoot, I got to go.

Uh, Pearl is legit about to join the circus.

(chuckles): And she could.

Pearl T. Barnum over here.

(chuckles)

Well, thanks for doing the show today.

Or should I thank Dr. Susan?

(chuckles) Of course.

Paul said it was important to you.

And no matter what awkward phase of Carly-Freddie-dom we're in,

no matter who we're dating or how little we know

about what we're signing up for,

I am always gonna be there for you.

I promise.

(phone chimes)

How does a leotard cost $7,000?

I got to go, but, hey, look at us.

We did it, we're talking, huh? Go us!

Okay, bye.

(door closes)

Did your knees...?

Yeah. They did. I buckled.

Wine and crying, or whiskey and light violence?

All of the above.

Carly Shay is an influencer.

I'm under this blanket of luxury.

PAUL: She's relatable to all women.

(roars) Love me.

PAUL: She and her attractive, successful siblings...

She knows what she did.

(deep, raspy voice): Welcome to Troll Crossing.

PAUL: plagued by hangers-on, desperate to get on TV.

Why did no one fetch me?

I'm Dax Shepard.

Will she ditch the losers

and tackle her insecurities?

All this on House of Shay.

I didn't know it was gonna be that bad.

Or that Paul was gonna recast himself as my brother.

(scoffs) I love it.

Dax Shepard's gonna say he's me.

Every network passed.

Ah, makes sense.

Ooh.

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