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1
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[♪♪♪♪♪]
2
00:00:07,731 --> 00:00:10,562
♪ Mmm, mmm, mmm ♪
3
00:00:12,529 --> 00:00:14,911
♪ Tell me why ♪
4
00:00:15,049 --> 00:00:16,740
♪ I love you like I do ♪
5
00:00:16,878 --> 00:00:18,604
♪ Tell me who ♪
6
00:00:18,742 --> 00:00:21,055
♪ Can stop my heart
As much as you ♪
7
00:00:21,193 --> 00:00:23,437
♪ Tell me all your secrets ♪
8
00:00:23,575 --> 00:00:25,611
♪ I'll tell you
Most of mine ♪
9
00:00:25,749 --> 00:00:27,441
♪ They say
Nobody's perfect ♪
10
00:00:27,579 --> 00:00:29,857
♪ Well, that's really true
This time ♪
11
00:00:29,995 --> 00:00:32,170
♪ 'Cause I don't have
The answers ♪
12
00:00:32,308 --> 00:00:34,344
♪ I don't have a plan ♪
13
00:00:34,482 --> 00:00:35,725
♪ All I have is you ♪
14
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♪ So, baby
Help me understand ♪
15
00:00:38,348 --> 00:00:39,867
♪ What we do ♪
16
00:00:40,005 --> 00:00:42,318
♪ You can whisper
In my ear ♪
17
00:00:42,456 --> 00:00:44,182
♪ Where we go ♪
18
00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:46,805
♪ Who knows what happens
After here? ♪
19
00:00:46,943 --> 00:00:48,738
♪ Let's take
Each other's hand ♪
20
00:00:48,876 --> 00:00:50,153
♪ And jump into ♪
21
00:00:50,291 --> 00:00:52,535
♪ The final frontier ♪
22
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♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
23
00:00:54,330 --> 00:00:56,815
♪ Final frontier ♪
24
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♪ Mmm, mmm, mmm ♪
25
00:00:58,817 --> 00:01:00,888
♪ Final frontier ♪
26
00:01:02,372 --> 00:01:04,547
[♪♪♪♪♪]
27
00:01:19,217 --> 00:01:21,357
I blame my parents.
28
00:01:21,495 --> 00:01:24,360
I've been engaged four times
to three different men,
29
00:01:24,498 --> 00:01:26,362
and if you're
doing the math,
30
00:01:26,500 --> 00:01:28,812
that's a lot
of angry people.
31
00:01:28,950 --> 00:01:31,436
First there was this guy,
32
00:01:31,574 --> 00:01:33,645
then were was this guy,
33
00:01:33,783 --> 00:01:35,992
and then
there was this guy.
34
00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:39,029
And you remember this gentleman from the first photo.
35
00:01:39,168 --> 00:01:42,343
Leave a guy at the altar once, and it stings.
36
00:01:42,481 --> 00:01:44,759
The second time, apparently highly destructive.
37
00:01:44,897 --> 00:01:47,521
How you like me so far?
38
00:01:47,659 --> 00:01:48,867
[SIGHS]
39
00:01:49,005 --> 00:01:51,835
Let's begin, shall we,
with a story that has become
40
00:01:51,973 --> 00:01:53,699
almost folklore
in my family.
41
00:01:53,837 --> 00:01:57,151
It was 1999, so I'm 1,
42
00:01:57,289 --> 00:01:58,842
and it's my parents'
anniversary.
43
00:01:58,980 --> 00:02:00,844
So what do you
want to do?
44
00:02:00,982 --> 00:02:02,018
I'm totally open.
45
00:02:02,156 --> 00:02:04,883
A concert or theater
or maybe a fancy dinner.
46
00:02:05,021 --> 00:02:06,471
What says
anniversary?
47
00:02:06,609 --> 00:02:08,024
[SPLURT]
48
00:02:09,301 --> 00:02:10,544
Certainly not that.
49
00:02:10,682 --> 00:02:11,579
Ew!
50
00:02:11,717 --> 00:02:13,133
Honey, look up for me,
won't you?
51
00:02:13,271 --> 00:02:15,721
Is there a hawk or
an ostrich of some sort?
52
00:02:15,859 --> 00:02:18,241
Whoa.
53
00:02:18,379 --> 00:02:19,725
Oh, paint!
I'm so happy.
54
00:02:19,863 --> 00:02:20,899
Hey, we know you.
55
00:02:21,037 --> 00:02:21,900
Hey.
56
00:02:22,038 --> 00:02:23,039
Hey!
57
00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:24,040
Paul and Jamie,
right?
58
00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:25,662
Yeah, Larry, right?
Lenny.
59
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:27,147
Lenny. Right.
60
00:02:27,285 --> 00:02:29,356
This is so wild. You know,
it's our anniversary today.
61
00:02:29,494 --> 00:02:30,460
No, it is not.
62
00:02:30,598 --> 00:02:31,910
Yes, it is.
Seven years ago today.
63
00:02:32,048 --> 00:02:33,325
That is
deeply ironic.
64
00:02:33,463 --> 00:02:34,395
Oh. Well, come here.
65
00:02:34,533 --> 00:02:35,431
Look what we did.
66
00:02:35,569 --> 00:02:38,537
Look.
Mabel, this nice man
67
00:02:38,675 --> 00:02:40,194
married
your daddy and me.
68
00:02:40,332 --> 00:02:41,506
Hello, small
pretty person.
69
00:02:41,644 --> 00:02:44,647
Lenny, I tell you, your wedding
was so special to us--
70
00:02:44,785 --> 00:02:46,131
just this secret
little ceremony.
71
00:02:46,269 --> 00:02:47,132
It really was.
72
00:02:47,270 --> 00:02:48,306
You're probably confused,
73
00:02:48,444 --> 00:02:50,031
but Lenny is also
an ordained minister.
74
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:52,586
Now, Mabel, you know better than
to believe that, don't you?
75
00:02:52,724 --> 00:02:54,035
What do
you mean?
76
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,417
You guys know I'm not really
a minister, right?
77
00:02:56,555 --> 00:02:57,763
No.
78
00:02:57,901 --> 00:02:59,489
Well, okay.
79
00:02:59,627 --> 00:03:00,732
I'm not.
80
00:03:00,870 --> 00:03:02,837
Well, how can
that be? No. No.
81
00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:04,322
You-- You said you were.
82
00:03:04,460 --> 00:03:07,739
Yeah. You happen to recall where
we had that discussion, Paul?
83
00:03:07,877 --> 00:03:10,742
Yes, I do. We were
at my bachelor party.
84
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:11,881
Uh-huh.
So?
85
00:03:12,019 --> 00:03:13,917
We were
at a strip club, man,
86
00:03:14,055 --> 00:03:14,953
drinking, carousing.
87
00:03:15,091 --> 00:03:16,817
When I told
that cute girl
88
00:03:16,955 --> 00:03:18,888
I was Federal Reserve
Chairman Alan Greenspan,
89
00:03:19,026 --> 00:03:20,372
did you believe that,
too?
90
00:03:20,510 --> 00:03:21,546
No, but...
91
00:03:21,684 --> 00:03:24,204
But--but later,
when we came to you--
92
00:03:24,342 --> 00:03:25,688
It seemed
so important to you.
93
00:03:25,826 --> 00:03:27,690
I didn't have the heart
to let you down.
94
00:03:27,828 --> 00:03:29,381
Yes, but--
95
00:03:29,519 --> 00:03:31,832
I knew you had the official
ceremony coming up anyway.
96
00:03:31,970 --> 00:03:33,834
Yes, but-- okay,
at the official ceremony,
97
00:03:33,972 --> 00:03:35,974
we thought we were
already married by you.
98
00:03:36,112 --> 00:03:38,494
We didn't even fill out
the paperwork for that one.
99
00:03:38,632 --> 00:03:41,324
Didn't even-- You know what we
wrote on the certificate?
100
00:03:41,462 --> 00:03:42,877
"Lois Lane
marries Humpty Dumpty."
101
00:03:43,015 --> 00:03:44,224
Funny.
102
00:03:44,362 --> 00:03:45,915
Funny not the point,
really.
103
00:03:46,053 --> 00:03:48,573
We're...
we're not married now.
104
00:03:48,711 --> 00:03:50,230
Sorry.
105
00:03:50,368 --> 00:03:52,577
You've invalidated
our entire marriage now.
106
00:03:52,715 --> 00:03:54,717
Sorry.
107
00:03:54,855 --> 00:03:57,547
You've made our daughter
illegitimate now.
108
00:03:57,685 --> 00:03:59,722
Sorry.
109
00:04:01,206 --> 00:04:02,276
So...
110
00:04:02,414 --> 00:04:06,625
I'm the bastard child
of idiot parents.
111
00:04:06,763 --> 00:04:08,386
My therapist tells me--
112
00:04:08,524 --> 00:04:10,146
Yes, I'm in therapy--
113
00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:14,184
that in my parents' defense,
they sought help...
114
00:04:14,323 --> 00:04:16,773
a lotof help.
115
00:04:18,430 --> 00:04:20,190
Paul and Jamie...
116
00:04:20,329 --> 00:04:22,779
I don't know if you've
been keeping track,
117
00:04:22,917 --> 00:04:25,748
but this is your
1,000th therapy session.
118
00:04:25,886 --> 00:04:26,818
Is that true?
119
00:04:26,956 --> 00:04:29,199
Yes, it is.
120
00:04:29,338 --> 00:04:30,200
Dear God.
121
00:04:30,339 --> 00:04:32,375
Wow, 1,000th.
122
00:04:32,513 --> 00:04:34,757
Wow, so that's--
that's like, uh...
123
00:04:34,895 --> 00:04:36,655
10 glorious years.
124
00:04:36,793 --> 00:04:38,657
No, no, I know,
but that...
125
00:04:38,795 --> 00:04:40,866
$116,000.
126
00:04:43,386 --> 00:04:44,698
Dear God.
Mm-hmm.
127
00:04:44,836 --> 00:04:46,734
But I digress.
128
00:04:46,872 --> 00:04:49,185
How can we
not be married?
129
00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:50,773
Yecch.
130
00:04:50,911 --> 00:04:53,465
Our entire marriage
is a lie.
131
00:04:53,603 --> 00:04:54,915
It's not a lie.
132
00:04:55,053 --> 00:04:57,193
Yes, it is.
For the last seven years,
133
00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:59,678
we have not been
what we thought we were.
134
00:04:59,816 --> 00:05:02,302
Our whole universe is based
on a false foundation.
135
00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:03,613
Doesn't that bother you?
136
00:05:03,751 --> 00:05:04,890
Aw, man.
What?
137
00:05:05,028 --> 00:05:06,236
I asked for onions.
138
00:05:06,375 --> 00:05:08,894
They gave me sprouts.
When I tell someone
139
00:05:09,032 --> 00:05:11,034
my husband will be back at 6:00,
it's a lie.
140
00:05:11,172 --> 00:05:12,070
I'll be back at 6:00.
141
00:05:12,208 --> 00:05:13,968
Yes, but you're
not my husband.
142
00:05:14,106 --> 00:05:15,142
[BUZZER]
143
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:18,352
All right, good.
So stop yelling at me, then.
144
00:05:21,251 --> 00:05:22,149
We'll take it.
145
00:05:22,287 --> 00:05:23,323
I'm sorry?
146
00:05:23,461 --> 00:05:25,048
Your apartment.
It's listed for rent.
147
00:05:25,186 --> 00:05:26,360
It's what?
148
00:05:26,498 --> 00:05:28,811
This is our apartment,
but it's a mistake.
149
00:05:28,949 --> 00:05:30,468
Oh. So you're
not leaving.
150
00:05:30,606 --> 00:05:32,159
BOTH: No.
You're staying.
151
00:05:32,297 --> 00:05:33,367
Uh-huh.
Yes.
152
00:05:33,505 --> 00:05:34,679
Good, then.
153
00:05:34,817 --> 00:05:36,646
Yes, well,
what a relief.
154
00:05:37,682 --> 00:05:39,131
Right, then.
155
00:05:39,269 --> 00:05:40,305
Come, Hal.
156
00:05:40,443 --> 00:05:41,617
Yes.
157
00:05:41,755 --> 00:05:43,826
See you in the halls.
158
00:05:46,138 --> 00:05:47,416
Nice, huh?
Honey.
159
00:05:47,554 --> 00:05:49,659
All right, here's what we'll do.
Here's what we'll do.
160
00:05:49,797 --> 00:05:52,144
We'll go down to city hall,
we'll-- We'll get married,
161
00:05:52,282 --> 00:05:55,389
sign our regular thing, and
bing-bang-boom, problem solved.
162
00:05:55,527 --> 00:05:56,390
When?
When what?
163
00:05:56,528 --> 00:05:57,667
When are we
getting married?
164
00:05:57,805 --> 00:05:59,807
Whenever you want.
Thursday afternoon.
165
00:05:59,945 --> 00:06:01,878
Friday in the morning,
I'm good.
166
00:06:02,016 --> 00:06:02,879
No, it has
to be today.
167
00:06:03,017 --> 00:06:03,915
Why?
168
00:06:04,053 --> 00:06:05,399
Because today's
our anniversary.
169
00:06:05,537 --> 00:06:06,952
I want to keep
the same anniversary.
170
00:06:07,090 --> 00:06:09,058
All right,
so let's go.
171
00:06:09,196 --> 00:06:10,370
Ask me.
172
00:06:15,444 --> 00:06:17,411
All right.
173
00:06:17,549 --> 00:06:19,206
Can we go?
174
00:06:21,519 --> 00:06:23,037
Ask me to marry you.
175
00:06:23,175 --> 00:06:24,832
Oh.
176
00:06:24,970 --> 00:06:26,489
Will you marry me?
177
00:06:27,766 --> 00:06:29,078
These are the people
178
00:06:29,216 --> 00:06:31,494
that prepared me
to go out into the world.
179
00:06:33,151 --> 00:06:34,911
You see, Mabel,
180
00:06:35,049 --> 00:06:36,637
sweetheart...
181
00:06:36,775 --> 00:06:40,123
boys and girls
are different.
182
00:06:40,261 --> 00:06:41,573
Girls have...
183
00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:45,025
um...
184
00:06:45,163 --> 00:06:46,509
boys have...
185
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:51,031
uh, boys and girls,
um...
186
00:06:52,515 --> 00:06:53,378
Honey.
187
00:06:53,516 --> 00:06:57,347
See, Mabel, when a man...
188
00:06:57,486 --> 00:06:58,797
loves a woman...
189
00:06:58,935 --> 00:07:02,629
he-- he can't keep
his mind on nothin' else.
190
00:07:02,767 --> 00:07:07,634
He'd trade the world
for the good thing he's found.
191
00:07:07,772 --> 00:07:09,463
If she's bad,
192
00:07:09,601 --> 00:07:11,361
he can't see it.
193
00:07:11,500 --> 00:07:13,018
She can do no wrong.
194
00:07:13,156 --> 00:07:14,606
Honey.
195
00:07:14,744 --> 00:07:17,644
Let us get back to you.
196
00:07:17,782 --> 00:07:19,300
MABEL:
My parents actually did
197
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,337
a great deal
of family planning.
198
00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:23,132
So let me
get this straight.
199
00:07:23,270 --> 00:07:24,754
They cut
his pee-pee?
200
00:07:24,892 --> 00:07:27,585
No, not the pee-pee, inside
the pee-pee, way inside.
201
00:07:27,723 --> 00:07:28,758
Oh, God.
202
00:07:28,896 --> 00:07:30,070
It's not that bad.
203
00:07:30,208 --> 00:07:32,693
The doctor said that within
36 hours of the vasectomy,
204
00:07:32,831 --> 00:07:34,868
he'll have total sensation
in his groin again.
205
00:07:35,006 --> 00:07:35,869
Isn't that something?
206
00:07:36,007 --> 00:07:38,147
Poor Paul's pee-pee.
207
00:07:38,285 --> 00:07:39,976
It's wayinside.
208
00:07:40,114 --> 00:07:41,530
Oh, God.
209
00:07:41,668 --> 00:07:43,601
Look, we gave this
a lot of thought,
210
00:07:43,739 --> 00:07:45,499
and I decided
that one kid is enough,
211
00:07:45,637 --> 00:07:46,604
morethan enough.
212
00:07:46,742 --> 00:07:47,777
Thank you.
213
00:07:47,915 --> 00:07:49,296
I mean,
where is it written
214
00:07:49,434 --> 00:07:50,918
that every child
must have a sibling?
215
00:07:51,056 --> 00:07:52,506
Well, where would you be?
What?
216
00:07:52,644 --> 00:07:55,198
I mean, if mom and dad stopped
with me, there wouldn't be you,
217
00:07:55,336 --> 00:07:58,201
and I wouldn't have had a little
sister to play with and dress up
218
00:07:58,339 --> 00:07:59,617
and magic marker
the walls with,
219
00:07:59,755 --> 00:08:01,411
and no matter
what happens,
220
00:08:01,550 --> 00:08:04,276
always be my friend
and love me.
221
00:08:06,278 --> 00:08:09,143
You know, the procedure
is reversible.
222
00:08:10,835 --> 00:08:13,458
Mmmph.
223
00:08:13,596 --> 00:08:14,873
Hi, sweetie.
224
00:08:15,011 --> 00:08:15,840
Mmmph. Ay.
225
00:08:15,978 --> 00:08:18,532
[GROANS]
226
00:08:24,573 --> 00:08:25,988
What's the matter?
227
00:08:26,126 --> 00:08:28,611
I think we
made a mistake.
228
00:08:30,751 --> 00:08:31,925
Really?
229
00:08:34,444 --> 00:08:37,171
My mother, the handful.
230
00:08:37,309 --> 00:08:40,796
We need to go halfway to the end
of Long Island to do this?
231
00:08:40,934 --> 00:08:42,970
The smaller the town,
the shorter the line.
232
00:08:43,108 --> 00:08:44,144
Next, please.
See?
233
00:08:44,282 --> 00:08:47,527
Hello. Hi. How are you?
Just fine, thank you.
234
00:08:47,665 --> 00:08:48,976
Uh, we'd like
to get married.
235
00:08:49,114 --> 00:08:51,910
Oh, wonderful. Come to the right
spot. Heh-heh-heh. Yes, sir.
236
00:08:52,048 --> 00:08:53,602
Hello. Hi. How are you?
Hello.
237
00:08:53,740 --> 00:08:54,948
Is this the lucky lady?
238
00:08:55,086 --> 00:08:55,983
This is her.
239
00:08:56,121 --> 00:08:57,606
Aw. Wonderful, isn't it?
240
00:08:57,744 --> 00:08:59,539
Okay. Well...
241
00:08:59,677 --> 00:09:01,955
looks like
you're all set here, so--
242
00:09:02,093 --> 00:09:04,613
Oh. Well, you have
the same last name.
243
00:09:04,751 --> 00:09:07,063
Uh, yes, but they're
pronounced differently.
244
00:09:07,201 --> 00:09:08,962
Buchman and Bwuchman.
245
00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:10,895
Yeah, so it's--
it's subtle, but--
246
00:09:11,033 --> 00:09:12,586
It's there. It's there.
It is, isn't it?
247
00:09:12,724 --> 00:09:13,794
Yes, that's--
248
00:09:13,932 --> 00:09:15,382
Isn't that wonderful?
Uh-huh.
249
00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:18,281
What I'm gonna need from you
now is $10 American.
250
00:09:18,419 --> 00:09:20,249
You got it. Seems like
a reasonable thing.
251
00:09:20,387 --> 00:09:23,528
Ooh. You know what? I don't even
know if I have the cash on me.
252
00:09:23,666 --> 00:09:24,598
I-- Oop. Sorry.
253
00:09:24,736 --> 00:09:27,014
Uh, what would you say--
Was it 10? Yes.
254
00:09:27,152 --> 00:09:28,464
Uh, $7.52.
255
00:09:28,602 --> 00:09:30,155
How do you
leave the house?
256
00:09:30,293 --> 00:09:32,123
You were supposed to go
to the bank for me.
257
00:09:32,261 --> 00:09:33,469
No, I wasn't.
You said you were
258
00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:34,781
going to the bank.
No. Never.
259
00:09:34,919 --> 00:09:36,092
Yes, you did.
No, I didn't.
260
00:09:36,230 --> 00:09:38,129
Boy, this marriage thing
gonna be a piece of cake
261
00:09:38,267 --> 00:09:39,130
for you two, isn't it?
262
00:09:39,268 --> 00:09:40,200
[WHISTLES]
263
00:09:40,338 --> 00:09:42,996
Okay. Well,
I'll tell you what now.
264
00:09:43,134 --> 00:09:44,653
Why don't you
just take this,
265
00:09:44,791 --> 00:09:46,965
and you're gonna go
right into the chapel here,
266
00:09:47,103 --> 00:09:49,519
and the justice of the peace
is gonna take you
267
00:09:49,658 --> 00:09:51,418
the rest of the way.
Thank you so much.
268
00:09:51,556 --> 00:09:52,419
God bless you.
269
00:09:52,557 --> 00:09:53,454
He's a nice guy,
huh?
270
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:54,766
Yes. I miss him.
271
00:09:56,734 --> 00:09:59,460
Hello. How are you?
Just fine, thank you.
272
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:02,084
Well, this is Phyllis.
273
00:10:02,222 --> 00:10:03,430
Hello.
Hello.
274
00:10:03,568 --> 00:10:04,949
She throws the rice.
275
00:10:05,087 --> 00:10:09,539
25 cents-- one throw.
40 cents-- two.
276
00:10:09,678 --> 00:10:12,473
Okay. Well, why don't
we get right on with it?
277
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:13,613
Now, here's what-- Oh!
278
00:10:13,751 --> 00:10:16,616
Oh, don't you want
to walk down the aisle?
279
00:10:17,686 --> 00:10:18,548
Okay.
280
00:10:18,687 --> 00:10:19,653
Just go
right back there.
281
00:10:19,791 --> 00:10:21,724
There you go. Right there.
That's good.
282
00:10:21,862 --> 00:10:23,726
Okay, and you, sir, over here.
Right here?
283
00:10:23,864 --> 00:10:24,900
That's fine.
Got it.
284
00:10:25,038 --> 00:10:25,901
Hey! Heads up!
285
00:10:26,039 --> 00:10:28,317
Ho! There you go.
286
00:10:28,455 --> 00:10:30,388
Now with the music...
come forward.
287
00:10:30,526 --> 00:10:32,286
Okay.
288
00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:36,118
[PLAYING "WEDDING MARCH"]
289
00:10:36,256 --> 00:10:37,637
Okay.
290
00:10:39,811 --> 00:10:41,986
[REWINDING]
291
00:10:45,092 --> 00:10:45,990
[STOPS]
292
00:10:46,128 --> 00:10:48,095
Dearly beloved...
293
00:10:48,233 --> 00:10:50,132
we're gathered
here today to marry
294
00:10:50,270 --> 00:10:52,582
this man and this woman.
295
00:10:52,721 --> 00:10:54,550
Is there anybody present
296
00:10:54,688 --> 00:10:57,001
who might object
to this union?
297
00:10:58,381 --> 00:10:59,244
[WHISTLES]
Phyl.
298
00:10:59,382 --> 00:11:01,453
I'm good.
Good.
299
00:11:02,834 --> 00:11:04,767
Do you, Paul...
300
00:11:04,905 --> 00:11:05,872
Buchman.
301
00:11:06,010 --> 00:11:06,942
Uh-huh.
Buchman.
302
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:08,944
Oh, the Buch--
You're the-- the Buchman.
303
00:11:09,082 --> 00:11:10,255
Paul Buchman.
304
00:11:10,393 --> 00:11:12,223
Take Jamie...
305
00:11:12,361 --> 00:11:14,259
Bwuchman...
306
00:11:14,397 --> 00:11:16,365
to be your
lawful wedded wife,
307
00:11:16,503 --> 00:11:18,160
to have and to hold
308
00:11:18,298 --> 00:11:20,334
through sickness
and in health
309
00:11:20,472 --> 00:11:22,026
till death do you part?
310
00:11:22,164 --> 00:11:23,821
Yes, I absolutely do.
311
00:11:23,959 --> 00:11:24,822
Wonderful.
312
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,651
Do you, Jamie...
313
00:11:26,789 --> 00:11:27,997
Bwuchman...
314
00:11:28,135 --> 00:11:29,550
take Paul Buchman
315
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,311
to be your lawful
wedded husband,
316
00:11:31,449 --> 00:11:33,934
to have and to hold,
to love and to cherish
317
00:11:34,072 --> 00:11:35,798
through sickness
and in health
318
00:11:35,936 --> 00:11:38,180
till death
do you part?
319
00:11:41,045 --> 00:11:42,840
Little louder.
320
00:11:45,290 --> 00:11:47,845
We're gonna need you to speak up
a little, sweetie.
321
00:11:47,983 --> 00:11:49,432
Don't fool around now.
322
00:11:49,570 --> 00:11:51,469
I don't want
to get married.
323
00:11:52,435 --> 00:11:53,402
[SPITS]
324
00:11:53,540 --> 00:11:55,542
Little early
on the rice there, Phyllis.
325
00:11:56,681 --> 00:11:59,063
MABEL:
And so, apparently...
326
00:11:59,201 --> 00:12:02,135
the apple doesn't fall
far from the tree.
327
00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:07,105
You wanted
to get married.
328
00:12:07,243 --> 00:12:09,383
I know. But then I was
standing at the altar
329
00:12:09,521 --> 00:12:10,591
and it hit me.
330
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,076
What we have
is pretty good, right?
331
00:12:12,214 --> 00:12:13,491
I don't want
to screw it up.
332
00:12:13,629 --> 00:12:16,494
Exactly. So all I'm saying
is let's make everything
333
00:12:16,632 --> 00:12:18,772
the way we always
thought it was anyway.
334
00:12:18,910 --> 00:12:21,637
Yes, but the way it was
was we were not married.
335
00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:24,985
Of course we were married. It
just-- It wasn't labeled right.
336
00:12:25,123 --> 00:12:26,987
It's like-- It's like
if you order chocolate,
337
00:12:27,125 --> 00:12:30,542
and then it comes and you
eat it and you love it,
338
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:32,510
but then afterwards
the waiter says,
339
00:12:32,648 --> 00:12:35,927
"Sorry. My mistake. That wasn't
chocolate, that was root beer."
340
00:12:36,065 --> 00:12:38,654
Do you come back the next time
and ask for root beer?
341
00:12:38,792 --> 00:12:39,828
Yes.
342
00:12:39,966 --> 00:12:42,416
Well, it's the opposite
with this.
343
00:12:43,245 --> 00:12:44,211
Hi, I'm Ursula.
344
00:12:44,349 --> 00:12:46,386
I will not be
your waitress today.
345
00:12:46,524 --> 00:12:47,559
What?
What?
346
00:12:47,697 --> 00:12:49,182
Yeah, my name
is Ursula...
347
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:51,253
Yes, we know that.
Yes, we know that.
348
00:12:51,391 --> 00:12:54,394
Okay. And I will not be
your waitress today.
349
00:12:54,532 --> 00:12:56,016
Okay.
350
00:12:56,154 --> 00:12:58,122
Usually I am,
but today I'm not.
351
00:12:58,260 --> 00:12:59,537
That's why I wanted
to come over,
352
00:12:59,675 --> 00:13:01,608
to say that I'm not
your waitress today
353
00:13:01,746 --> 00:13:04,059
and that my name
is Ursula
354
00:13:04,197 --> 00:13:06,061
so that you wouldn't
be confused.
355
00:13:06,199 --> 00:13:07,856
Okay.
Thank you.
356
00:13:07,994 --> 00:13:09,858
Great. Can I take
your order?
357
00:13:09,996 --> 00:13:11,618
But you're not
our waitress.
358
00:13:11,756 --> 00:13:13,516
Okay, do you know
what you want?
359
00:13:13,654 --> 00:13:16,450
Um...well...
360
00:13:16,588 --> 00:13:17,762
Ooh, guess what else?
361
00:13:17,900 --> 00:13:19,453
I'm running for employee
of the month,
362
00:13:19,591 --> 00:13:22,008
so make sure that you
vote for me, all right?
363
00:13:22,146 --> 00:13:23,457
It's an election
type of thing,
364
00:13:23,595 --> 00:13:24,734
the employee of the month?
365
00:13:24,873 --> 00:13:27,565
No, no. The boss just
picks who he likes.
366
00:13:28,704 --> 00:13:29,912
Want to hear my slogan?
367
00:13:30,050 --> 00:13:31,017
Yes, please.
Sure.
368
00:13:31,155 --> 00:13:33,226
♪ Ursula, Ursula
She's our man ♪
369
00:13:33,364 --> 00:13:36,470
♪ If she's not employee
Of the month, nobody can ♪
370
00:13:38,679 --> 00:13:40,336
I have to go
to the bathroom.
371
00:13:41,579 --> 00:13:43,684
Have you ever
heard the expression,
372
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,722
"Intelligence is the ability
to change one's mind"?
373
00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:48,586
No, you have not.
374
00:13:48,724 --> 00:13:49,759
And you have not heard that
375
00:13:49,898 --> 00:13:51,554
because it's not actually
an expression.
376
00:13:51,692 --> 00:13:53,867
It's just something
my mother used to say,
377
00:13:54,005 --> 00:13:57,837
but she would say that it was,
in fact, an expression.
378
00:13:57,975 --> 00:13:59,597
But it's not.
379
00:14:04,084 --> 00:14:07,156
Paul is being really great
about this.
380
00:14:07,294 --> 00:14:08,848
I'll say.
I mean,
381
00:14:08,986 --> 00:14:11,195
I probably pushed him into
the vasectomy to begin with.
382
00:14:11,333 --> 00:14:12,644
Yeah, probably.
383
00:14:12,782 --> 00:14:14,370
I think on some level
he was relieved
384
00:14:14,508 --> 00:14:15,993
when I suggested
we have it reversed.
385
00:14:16,131 --> 00:14:18,478
What do they do, they
just glue it back on and...
386
00:14:18,616 --> 00:14:20,480
Way inside.
387
00:14:20,618 --> 00:14:22,654
And now Mabel will have
a little brother or sister,
388
00:14:22,792 --> 00:14:24,622
and she'll help them out
in the schoolyard,
389
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:27,176
and she'll give them her hand-
me-downs. This gonna be good.
390
00:14:27,314 --> 00:14:28,591
Well, I guess, for her.
391
00:14:28,729 --> 00:14:30,524
What?
392
00:14:30,662 --> 00:14:31,698
What about for you?
393
00:14:31,836 --> 00:14:33,596
Good-bye freedom,
394
00:14:33,734 --> 00:14:35,322
good-bye hips,
and good-bye career.
395
00:14:35,460 --> 00:14:37,704
You know, I actually read
that 87 percent of all mothers
396
00:14:37,842 --> 00:14:40,983
with two or more kids never
return back to the workplace.
397
00:14:41,121 --> 00:14:45,022
They just end up feeling broken
and hollow and sad.
398
00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:46,368
PAUL [STRAINED]:
Hi, sweetie.
399
00:14:46,506 --> 00:14:48,266
Thank you.
400
00:14:59,968 --> 00:15:02,487
What did you say to her?
401
00:15:02,625 --> 00:15:05,974
Stop bringing her
to my vasectomies.
402
00:15:06,112 --> 00:15:08,597
[PUPPIES YIPPING]
403
00:15:08,735 --> 00:15:10,219
MABEL:
Fortunately, some of us gave
404
00:15:10,357 --> 00:15:12,359
much less thought
to having children.
405
00:15:12,497 --> 00:15:15,776
Okay, Nat, now you can bring out
the first guest.
406
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,744
Okay. Thank you, Mabel.
407
00:15:17,882 --> 00:15:21,368
Welcome back to the show,
ladies and gentlemen.
408
00:15:21,506 --> 00:15:24,889
My-- poncho, poncho, you're
not on yet. Jigs, please.
409
00:15:25,027 --> 00:15:28,617
My first guest tonight is
a border collie collie mix.
410
00:15:28,755 --> 00:15:31,206
He's the strapping
little son of Murray
411
00:15:31,344 --> 00:15:33,277
and his charming bride
Clarabelle.
412
00:15:33,415 --> 00:15:36,107
He's 5.5 weeks old,
recently weaned.
413
00:15:36,245 --> 00:15:40,353
He enjoys sleeping, chasing
his tail, and being colorblind.
414
00:15:40,491 --> 00:15:44,460
Would you please give
a warm welcome to Crackers.
415
00:15:44,598 --> 00:15:46,946
Come on, Crackers.
Come on. There he is.
416
00:15:47,084 --> 00:15:48,257
Hello, Mr. Crackers.
417
00:15:48,395 --> 00:15:51,260
Not yet, Poncho. I told you
you're not on yet.
418
00:15:51,398 --> 00:15:52,848
Crackers.
419
00:15:53,676 --> 00:15:55,195
Okay, next guest.
420
00:15:55,333 --> 00:15:58,233
Very quick for Crackers,
but okay, there he goes.
421
00:15:58,371 --> 00:16:00,338
My next guest,
ladies and gentlemen,
422
00:16:00,476 --> 00:16:03,514
interestingly enough,
also a border collie collie mix,
423
00:16:03,652 --> 00:16:05,102
also 5.5 weeks old.
424
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:09,106
Uh, let's see. Oh, interesting.
He's a breech birth.
425
00:16:09,244 --> 00:16:11,039
He enjoys, uh,
eatin' garbage
426
00:16:11,177 --> 00:16:14,111
and then regurgitating
same said garbage.
427
00:16:14,249 --> 00:16:15,491
Strange but true.
428
00:16:15,629 --> 00:16:20,565
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome, please-- Rusty.
429
00:16:23,085 --> 00:16:25,708
We're lookin' for Rusty.
430
00:16:27,227 --> 00:16:28,228
Come on, Rusty.
431
00:16:28,366 --> 00:16:31,852
Ru-- There he is.
There's the Ru...
432
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,440
[PIDDLES]
433
00:16:36,409 --> 00:16:37,789
Wow.
434
00:16:37,927 --> 00:16:40,102
Well, we were--
We were saving that
435
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,484
for our special
anniversary show.
436
00:16:43,761 --> 00:16:44,796
Hey, Paulie.
437
00:16:44,934 --> 00:16:45,797
Hey, Marvin.
438
00:16:45,935 --> 00:16:46,798
What are you doing here?
439
00:16:46,936 --> 00:16:48,007
Shouldn't you be getting
440
00:16:48,145 --> 00:16:49,594
your second vasectomy
right about now?
441
00:16:49,732 --> 00:16:51,941
Is nothing
I tell you private?
442
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,116
He's been following
the whole story.
443
00:16:54,254 --> 00:16:56,877
It kills me. First she
gets you to do it,
444
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,121
then 2 months later,
she gets you to undo it,
445
00:16:59,259 --> 00:17:01,641
and now she's getting
you to do it again.
446
00:17:01,779 --> 00:17:04,644
To me,
it's very entertaining.
447
00:17:04,782 --> 00:17:07,440
MABEL:
Regrettably, I've learned
that little traumatic events
448
00:17:07,578 --> 00:17:09,718
can help lead to big
traumatic events.
449
00:17:09,856 --> 00:17:11,858
Oh, look, there it is.
450
00:17:11,996 --> 00:17:13,239
A film by Mabel Buchman.
451
00:17:13,377 --> 00:17:16,380
What kind of title
is that, Stabbing Bob?
452
00:17:16,518 --> 00:17:17,381
She's angry.
453
00:17:17,519 --> 00:17:18,796
Really.
454
00:17:18,934 --> 00:17:21,212
All right, we should save
two seats together because Mabel
455
00:17:21,350 --> 00:17:23,490
really wants Paul and Jamie
to sit next to each other.
456
00:17:23,628 --> 00:17:24,767
Oy!
I know.
457
00:17:24,905 --> 00:17:26,769
Do they both know
the other one's gonna be here?
458
00:17:26,907 --> 00:17:28,875
Yeah, they're
gonna be mature.
459
00:17:29,013 --> 00:17:29,945
Hey, there they are.
460
00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:30,946
We're here.
461
00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:31,947
Look at you.
462
00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:33,259
Oh, look at you.
463
00:17:33,397 --> 00:17:35,364
IRA:
Look at your Aunt Deb
and Aunt Joan.
464
00:17:35,502 --> 00:17:38,057
Leonardo, come kiss
your aunties.
465
00:17:38,195 --> 00:17:41,577
Shania, you sit there.
Beavis you sit in front of me.
466
00:17:41,715 --> 00:17:43,821
Oh, Gwyneth! Give me
the pacifier.
467
00:17:43,959 --> 00:17:46,617
Okey-dokey. Listen, why don't
you come sit with me, actually?
468
00:17:46,755 --> 00:17:48,136
You know what?
469
00:17:48,274 --> 00:17:50,759
We should save these two seats
for Paul and James.
470
00:17:50,897 --> 00:17:51,898
Already done.
471
00:17:52,036 --> 00:17:52,899
Oh. Oh, good.
472
00:17:53,037 --> 00:17:54,487
No harm in trying,
right?
473
00:17:54,625 --> 00:17:56,661
Hey, hey, hey!
What are you eating?
474
00:17:56,799 --> 00:17:57,904
What's the matter?
475
00:17:58,042 --> 00:17:59,802
He's eating popcorn
from the 5:00 show.
476
00:17:59,940 --> 00:18:01,494
Oh, leave him alone.
477
00:18:01,632 --> 00:18:03,944
Hey. My daughter
made a movie.
478
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:04,945
Paulie.
479
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:05,946
Oh, nice jacket.
480
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:07,465
Yeah? Thank you.
481
00:18:07,603 --> 00:18:09,157
Hi, sweetie.
482
00:18:09,295 --> 00:18:11,849
Paulie, why don't you
come sit-- Let's see-- Oh, here.
483
00:18:11,987 --> 00:18:12,988
Good. Hey, Beavis.
484
00:18:13,126 --> 00:18:14,990
Hey, Uncle Paul,
you want some popcorn?
485
00:18:15,128 --> 00:18:18,131
Say, "No."
I'm gonna say, "No."
486
00:18:18,269 --> 00:18:20,409
Hey there. Thank god
I'm not late.
487
00:18:20,547 --> 00:18:21,893
Not at all.
488
00:18:22,031 --> 00:18:23,895
MARIANNE:
Oh, it's the mother
of the filmmaker.
489
00:18:24,033 --> 00:18:24,896
Hiya, James.
490
00:18:25,034 --> 00:18:25,966
Hi, Jamie.
491
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:27,313
Hey, Shania.
Hello, everybody.
492
00:18:27,451 --> 00:18:28,900
Jamie, sit-- sit here.
493
00:18:29,038 --> 00:18:31,110
Okey-dokey.
494
00:18:34,803 --> 00:18:35,700
Hi.
495
00:18:35,838 --> 00:18:37,081
Hi.
496
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,533
How you doing?
497
00:18:40,671 --> 00:18:41,844
Good. How you doing?
498
00:18:41,982 --> 00:18:42,914
I'm good.
499
00:18:43,052 --> 00:18:44,571
Good.
500
00:18:53,062 --> 00:18:53,925
Okay.
501
00:18:54,063 --> 00:18:55,513
Here it is.
Okay.
502
00:19:01,312 --> 00:19:05,385
I ask this question
objectively, in earnest,
503
00:19:05,523 --> 00:19:06,869
and without bias.
504
00:19:07,007 --> 00:19:08,871
Who do you think
was responsible
505
00:19:09,009 --> 00:19:10,356
for my parents' breakup--
506
00:19:10,494 --> 00:19:12,358
the one who ran away
from the altar
507
00:19:12,496 --> 00:19:14,636
and changed her mind three times
about whether or not
508
00:19:14,774 --> 00:19:16,879
her partner should have
painful private surgery...
509
00:19:17,017 --> 00:19:18,295
or the other guy?
510
00:19:18,433 --> 00:19:19,779
What?
511
00:19:19,917 --> 00:19:22,713
I'm changing my name. It's not
Mabel anymore. It's Sonya.
512
00:19:22,851 --> 00:19:27,027
Okay. Um...
May I ask why?
513
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,581
'Cause Mabel's stupid.
514
00:19:28,719 --> 00:19:29,892
I see. Listen, Mabel--
515
00:19:30,030 --> 00:19:31,687
Sonya!
516
00:19:31,825 --> 00:19:32,723
Pardon me.
517
00:19:32,861 --> 00:19:35,070
Say it.
Sonya.
518
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:36,071
Say it nice.
519
00:19:36,209 --> 00:19:37,141
All right, Mabel--
520
00:19:37,279 --> 00:19:38,315
It's Sonya.
521
00:19:38,453 --> 00:19:39,557
Thank you.
522
00:19:39,695 --> 00:19:41,076
Why Sonya?
523
00:19:41,214 --> 00:19:42,284
'Cause I like it.
524
00:19:42,422 --> 00:19:43,906
Your grandmother
thought of Mabel.
525
00:19:44,044 --> 00:19:45,011
You know, it's an acronym.
526
00:19:45,149 --> 00:19:46,115
A what?
527
00:19:46,254 --> 00:19:48,394
The letters M-A-B-E-L
528
00:19:48,532 --> 00:19:51,569
stand for "Mothers always
bring extra love."
529
00:19:51,707 --> 00:19:53,813
Well, Sonya's
an acronym, too.
530
00:19:53,951 --> 00:19:55,124
It is? For what?
531
00:19:55,263 --> 00:19:57,506
"Some other name,
you ass."
532
00:19:57,644 --> 00:20:00,129
All right, get out.
Hey, okay.
533
00:20:02,822 --> 00:20:04,858
My father had his own way
of dealing with my mother.
534
00:20:04,996 --> 00:20:08,793
He would keep certain pieces
of information to himself.
535
00:20:11,762 --> 00:20:12,659
Honey?
536
00:20:12,797 --> 00:20:14,143
Hmm?
537
00:20:14,282 --> 00:20:18,182
You didn't so much get that
second vasectomy, did you?
538
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,219
Wh...
539
00:20:20,357 --> 00:20:23,083
Because I am
remarkably pregnant.
540
00:20:25,465 --> 00:20:27,087
No, I did not.
541
00:20:30,643 --> 00:20:33,473
But I've done so many other
things that you did ask me to.
542
00:20:38,202 --> 00:20:39,134
[♪♪♪♪♪]
543
00:20:44,933 --> 00:20:45,830
[♪♪♪♪♪]
544
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:52,897
Captions:
M.P.
36955
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