Original subtitles

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Okay, now "pour soup through a colander

"to strain out the larger pieces of chicken

and the errant bone."

Okay? And now...

"Serve and enjoy your piping-hot soup."

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Can I just say I really like driving Mark's car?

You were just supposed to move it.

I know, but in the process of moving it,

I drove it a little bit.

What a car. What a beautiful car.

It's got an in-line 8 and a 5-speed automatic

bringing all that power to the pavement.

I read the book. There's a little book.

I see. [DOORBELL BUZZES]

Guess who I was sitting next to at a red light.

Tony Randall.

Still a handsome, handsome man.

Yes. MAN: Priority parcel.

Ooh, yay! Yay! Steve with the legs.

My shoes. Shoes?

What? Shoes?

Yeah. I ordered myself a pair of Italian loafers,

the likes of which you have never seen in all your days.

You take an outline of your foot,

and you send it to this master cobbler in Palermo, Italy,

and from that he takes it, and he crafts a shoe

that's so exactly to your foot,

and it's so comfortable, it's so soft,

it's like you're wearing a calzone.

Wow.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Wh-what did you say? "Steve with the legs"?

Yeah. Our priority parcel guy's named Steve,

and he has legs. Steve with the legs.

And?

And he wears shorts, and you see the legs,

and they're very nice. You happy?

Hello.

All right, yeah, those are some damn nice legs.

What?

That's not him.

Sorry.

Paul Buchman? Yes, yes.

Where's the guy who normally does this route?

Oh, I see. Steve with the legs.

Yeah. You call him that too?

Hey, we've all seen him in shorts.

So where is he? Is he on vacation?

Has he moved? Is he promoted?

Dead.

Dead? Dead.

Oh, my God. How did that happen?

Don't know.

Don't know you don't know,

or, like, cause of death unknown?

Don't know. One day he was delivering packages,

and the next day-- Dead.

No. Still delivering packages. But that night...

Dead, I'm hoping?

Dead.

That is horrible. Life is so fragile.

And what a way to spend your last day, huh?

Bringing boxes of stuff to people you don't even know,

and what kind of life--

Okay. Okay. Well, thank you, Tom. Tom, is it?

Tom. Tom with the drinking problem.

Okay. Okay. Yeah.

That is so sad.

Oh, I'm sure Tom is seeking help.

No. About Steve.

It makes you think that any day, even today,

could be your last. Our last. It does?

What if this were our last day?

What would you want to do before you die?

I'd like to see a monkey peel a shrimp.

Good one.

I'd like to-- I would like to cure something.

What?

Well, for starters, whatever was killing me.

I'd give all our money to charity.

I'd tell everybody not to worry.

I'd tell everyone I love I love them.

That's nice. I would do that too.

You want to do that? Let's tell everyone we love them.

Seriously? Yeah.

All right. That's good. Let's do that.

Okay.

So who do we tell? Who do we tell?

What are you doing? I'm making a list.

Now? This is it? Today's our last day?

Hello. Steve with the legs.

All right. Gee, okay, you're right.

When you're right, you're right. Okay. So Mabel...

Mabel for sure. Our family, Mark and Fran...

Yeah. Good. Him, yeah.

Them you gotta.

You know what? Him if it was last year, yes,

but this year, not so much.

Bye. Bye-bye.

Love you, Debbie. Love you, Joan.

BOTH: We love you!

Bye-bye.

Well, that was...fun.

It sure was.

Cross 'em off. Okay.

Okay. So that's good.

So we got Mabel, we got Murray, Debbie and Joan...

I gotta talk my mom into having lunch with us,

so you'll go pick her up

while I talk to some of the people only I love.

Okay. Good. All right. So...

for the first time the streets of this city

will kiss my pattini.

Shoes. Shoes. Pattini.Italian for shoes.

Oh, these are so nice.

Look at me. I'm gliding.

Look at me. I'm like Michael Jackson, but forward.

You gotta scratch 'em up.

What are you talkin' about, woman?

The soles. You gotta scratch 'em up,

like with a steak knife or something.

[DOORBELL BUZZES] It's called scoring.

You would not last two minutes with a master cobbler,

I tell you that. Hey there, Mrs. Buchman.

Hey, Nat. Hey, Nat.

Hey, I just saw your sister and her tall lady friend

gettin' out of the elevator there. Wow.

That's a whole lot of pretty in one place, huh?

Thanks for making the extra stop, Nat.

Oh, please, come on, sure.

Nat, have a seat. We'd like to talk to you.

Ooh, awful words. Awful, awful, awful words.

No, Nat, no.

No, no, please. Don't shield me.

Please, whatever it is, I can take it.

Well, actually, I cannot take it,

but in the ancient tradition of saving face,

I will attempt to do so.

A moment, please.

[CRACKING]

Go.

Nat, no, no. I think you misunderstand.

It's nothing bad. In fact, it's nice.

It's nice?

I think you're gonna like this.

Something nice? Yeah.

Okay, goody, then.

Feel free.

Um... Nat...

We love you.

Nat, did you hear us?

We said we love you.

Nat?

Is it-- Is it a sex thing?

Is it a sex thing?

Oh, my God, no, no.

For crying out loud.

No. It's just a true, pure, genuine love.

You need money? You in trouble? 'Cause, my hand to God,

you need money, you get my every last nickel--

No. This is just about the feelings we have for you

over the last few years.

We feel love. We love you.

What, just that-- You just... love me?

We love you. That's all.

Wow.

Holy cats. I mean...

Good people like you love me?

I'm loved?

I mean, you know, I... It's just...

Oh, oh, oh, we-- We didn't mean to upset you.

No, no. Please. Upset?

There should be a new word for happiness.

I just want-- You should know that...

Oh, oh, oh, Nat--

Excuse me, folks.

Just try and take it in the spirit in which it was intended.

Guy!

Jeez, what did you do to him?

Nothing. We were just--

New shoes. Aren't they nice, though?

Those are very spiffy. You know,

you better score the bottoms or you're gonna break your neck.

You should use a letter opener. The two of you.

Why don't I just give them to a cheetah for half an hour?

Leave my shoes alone. Sit down.

All right, but you got to make it quick.

I got a rat loose in the storeroom.

Marvin is hunting him with a crossbow.

Okay, well, we'll just jump in there.

Uh...

It's really kind of simple.

Ira...

Jamie and I,

we just-- We want you to know that we love you.

I know that. What'd you want to see me about?

That.

Just that. We love you.

We're pretending we're dead tomorrow.

What the hell's the matter with you two?

What? You puttin' me on?

No, no. We just--

Like I don't have a business to run.

Take it in the spirit it was intended.

Yeah, uh-huh. Look,

I'll come by next Tuesday, we can cuddle.

All we meant was--

[SOBBING]

All right, so that's two more.

Okay.

♪ Baby, I'm a-want you ♪

♪ Baby, I'm a-need you ♪

♪ You're the only one I care... ♪

♪ Ooh, I love this car ♪

♪ I love my drivin' gloves ♪

♪ Maybe I'm a-crazy... ♪

♪ But I just can't live Without your lovin' ♪

[TIRES SQUEALING] [GASPS]

[BRAKES SCREECH] [THUDDING]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey. Hi.

Where is she? How's she doing?

She's all right. She broke, uh, one rib

and two arms.

She broke both her arms? Yeah.

But just the one rib.

Hello, bright side.

Thank God you were right there.

Yes, yes. That's a blessing.

Did you see the actual accident?

Yes, I did. Yes, I did.

Oh, my God.

Yes, I know.

I'm a little teapot.

Oh, Mom! Are you okay?

Oh, honey. I'm all right. I'm fine.

It's not as bad as it looks.

The doctor says in less than six months

I might be able to pick up a spoon.

How could this happen?

You mean you don't know?

No.

Oh, this'll be fun.

I was standing on the curb.

It was a beautiful day today, if you recall.

The sun was shining in my face,

and I was thrilled with the prospect

of meeting the two of you for lunch,

when all of a sudden--

I hit her.

What?

I hit her with the car.

You hit my mother with a car?

Foot slipped. What?

Foot slipped off the brake onto the gas.

Your foot slipped? You mean your shoe slipped?

Okay. Did you score it?

You didn't score it. Failed to score it.

Honey, wait a second.

You ought to check and make sure that he's okay.

After all, Paul was in the accident too.

Are you okay? Fine.

Good. Now tear into him.

I told you, Ira told you, but do you listen? No.

Do you listen? No.

Do you listen? No. No.

Oh, my God. Look at her.

Theresa, let me help you.

Don't you...

Theresa? Patrick! Oh.

My darling!

Oh, sweetheart. Are you all right?

No, I'm fine.

The doctor is teaching me to applaud with my feet.

How did you know I was here?

Paul. He called me.

Yeah. Don't worry. I called everybody.

I called Patrick and Jamie and my parents and Gus--

Gus?!

Gus? You called Gus?

Well, he was married to you for over 30 years.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

Let's just review this.

You run me over, and then you call my ex-husband

and my boyfriend to meet me here in the same room here?

Well, I thought at a time like this,

your husband and your boyfriend would possibly--

Wrong. Okay, wrong. So I got it wrong. Okay, wrong.

Well, maybe there's a silver lining here, Theresa.

Maybe the fates have conspired to lift the veil of secrecy

under which you've hidden our love.

See? So it could be a good thing.

But it could be not. Okay, okay.

Has no one brought you flowers?

Well, then I'm off to the gift shop,

soon to make a beautiful, if currently teapot-shaped girl

a wee bit happier.

Can I get anything for anyone else?

If you see a candy machine, I haven't eaten

since I hit her. Paul!

He offered.

My darlin'...

Sweetie, are you ready? For what?

Theresa, Jamie and I have something we want to say--

Are you kidding me? Well, why not?

You hit her with a car.

One would argue all the more reason.

All right. Theresa, it's sort of a--

Something that we wanted to say.

Frankly, it's the reason we wanted to have lunch with you.

I hope you like it.

W-w-we hope it makes you happy.

It makes us happy to say.

You're pregnant. You're gonna have another baby?

Oh, see-- Oh, that's incredible!

You're gonna have--

Hello in there. Oh, that's wonderful.

Oh, Paul...Paul...

you little dickens.

Mom, no.

Not pregnant? Sorry, no.

Okay, then, uh, what was so important

that you wanted to tell me?

We love you.

Excuse me?

We love you.

You love me.

Yes. We love you.

That's-- That's what we wanted to say to you.

You love me.

And you...

You love me too?

Yeah, but he's the one who wanted to tell you now.

That is just so...

cheap.

Here you get me all excited about being a grandmother again,

and then after knocking me clear into next week with a car,

you try to make up for it by telling me that you love me?

You love me? You ought to be ashamed!

I'm ashamed.

I am a little ashamed. Shame!

There's a lot of shame. I feel-- Shame!

People who need shame come to me--

Shame! Shame! Get your shame!

Shame on you! I have the shame.

Ah.

Theresa, how ya doin'?

Gus, how nice of you to come.

Well, of all the--

Oh, for God's sake,

some sicko runs you over with a car

and I wouldn't come over here?

Who was the degenerate piece of garbage, anyway?

Hi, Paul. Hi, honey.

Hi. Hi, Daddy.

Nice seeing you. Now you should go.

I'm not supposed to have a lot of visitors.

Ah, Theresa, here, for you.

Oh.

Lookie here.

A delivery boy with flowers.

Delivery boy?

Uh, Paul, would you sign for them, please,

and then just give this nice delivery boy

with the flowers a tip?

Oh, Theresa, I wish you would just tell Gus--

You know what? I just-- I-I-I'm allergic to flowers.

Why don't we take them to the nurses station?

I'm terribly allergic.

Ah-choo. Ah-choo. Ah-choo. Ah-choo.

Gee, I thought the flowers were lovely.

Daddy, um, since we have a quiet moment,

there's something that Paul and I wanted to say to you today,

something that goes unsaid.

I don't think we say it enough,

but we want you to know that we love you... very much.

We love you, Gus.

Hey, well, I love you too.

Well, that's nice to hear. So super.

Yeah. Ha, ha, ha.

Well... Hey, you know...

[KISSES]

Was there anything else?

No. That was it. That was it.

Hello.

Hi.

I'm looking for a redhead in a thorax restrainer.

I'm lookin' for a pretty young woman in a white suit

who knows the way to the cafeteria.

Follow me.

Ah. What's good down there?

Well, Monday is sloppy joe day.

Oh! Thank heavens it's Monday.

How cute is my dad?

Cute. Cute and also a terrific kisser.

[THUMPING AT DOOR] BOTH: Come in.

[THUMPING] Come on in, please.

Come-- Oh, my God.

PAUL: Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Where's Patrick?

He's sulking. He's upset with me.

Mom, don't you think it's about time

that you told Daddy about Patrick?

Look, if he knew I was seeing somebody that young,

he would be deeply hurt.

How does Patrick feel about being kept a secret?

He's deeply hurt.

So? I know, I know.

It's a terrible situation!

Would you like the male perspective?

No! Of course.

A mother gives birth to a child.

She nurtures that child.

She takes him to her bosom.

She puts him back because he's allergic, but who could know?

That child grows up...

takes a wife...

and then that child and that wife betray that mother

with an almost Quebec-ian coldness.

Who is that mother?!

I!

Am.

Well spoken, Sylvia. Thank you.

We are so sorry

that you were struck by an automobile.

Here's some mint patties.

And we'll leave you with these...

people.

She rehearsed that all the way here.

The best time was in the elevator.

Tell her she was very good.

Excuse us. Hold on a second.

Wait a second. Mom...

Dad. What-- What's goin' on?

It's not like we're sitting home wondering if you love us.

But so long as you're going from door to door--

Oh, for crying out loud. Oh, my God.

We wanted to see, you know, what it'd be like

if we lived this day as if it were our last day.

We wanted to tell everybody that we loved them.

Everybody, but not exactly everybody.

We were saving the best for last.

What? You and Pop.

We were saving the best for last.

Really? Yes.

So you really do love us.

Yes! Of course.

You love us the best.

Oh, we... we love you the last.

The best! The best! Of course!

Yes, the best! [BURT CHUCKLING]

Yeah. Of course.

Tell her again how you liked the speech.

Oh, we loved the speech, Ma.

I was much better in the elevator.

All right. Love you.

Hi, honey. How you doin'?

Oh, Gus. I got the mother of all itches.

It's right, uh...oh! Oh, yeah.

How did you know?

Oh, hey, listen... [CHUCKLES]

Gus, sit down.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm seeing someone.

Hmm. Well... I figured.

Really?

Oh, come on, doll.

You? You're one in a million.

You too, Gus.

Ah...

Who is it, the young guy with the bowl of flowers?

Yeah.

Oh. Yeah.

Well, he's young.

Yeah, he's a... young guy.

Yeah.

Oh, he'll get over that.

Is he, uh... kind to you?

Yes.

Good.

Good.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm okay. Sure.

Good. Good.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I gotta get going.

Uh, it was great to see you, doll.

Hey, Gus.

Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah.

It's the sloppy joes.

Bye.

Gus. Ah, Patrick.

You better go right on in.

She's waiting for you.

Thank you. Yeah, sure. And you two.

I guess I'll be seeing the pair of you soon, right?

Sure. I love you, Daddy.

Yeah, you mentioned that. I love you too.

We love you, Gus.

All right, Paul, all right.

And listen, remember,

if they ever catch the guy

that ran her over, you know,

you and me together, right?

Yeah, you bet.

Can I say one thing? Yeah.

I love you.

Have you learnt nothing in the last seven hours?

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[DOOR OPENS] Ira.

Yeah. What are you doin'?

I'm stealing.

Why?

Why? Because the finale

is a week from next Monday, and I thought I'd take

some of Paulie and Jamie's stuff, you know?

You don't think Ron Howard

would've loved to have stolen the Fonzie's jacket?

Finale? What do you mean, finale?

The finale. It's the last show.

Nat, listen to me.

After this episode, there's only two more episodes,

then Mad About You is over, my friend.

You know, finito.Done.

[CRYING]

Closed Captions: Sarah Cannon