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1
00:00:01,518 --> 00:00:03,693
[♪♪♪]
2
00:00:03,831 --> 00:00:05,453
Sweetie?
Hey.
3
00:00:05,591 --> 00:00:07,386
Look who your husband
dragged in.
4
00:00:07,524 --> 00:00:10,217
JAMIE: Mark!
Jamie, hi! How are ya?
5
00:00:10,355 --> 00:00:12,081
Haven't seen you forever.
6
00:00:12,219 --> 00:00:13,289
Oh, look at you.
7
00:00:13,427 --> 00:00:15,118
Oh, you look so good!
So do you!
8
00:00:15,256 --> 00:00:16,568
No! No!
Yeah! Yeah!
9
00:00:16,706 --> 00:00:17,741
Yeah?
Yeah!
10
00:00:17,879 --> 00:00:19,709
Yeah, okay, maybe
a little, yeah.
11
00:00:19,847 --> 00:00:21,987
God, we missed you.
Oh, me, you too.
12
00:00:22,125 --> 00:00:24,403
Which is why, when I had
my first day off in five months,
13
00:00:24,541 --> 00:00:25,853
I chose to spend it
with you guys.
14
00:00:25,991 --> 00:00:28,028
Mark came down and watched me
film a segment today.
15
00:00:28,166 --> 00:00:30,685
Paul's doing a documentary about
people who should be famous,
16
00:00:30,823 --> 00:00:32,032
but they aren't.
I heard that.
17
00:00:32,170 --> 00:00:33,654
'Cause, you know,
she lives with me,
18
00:00:33,792 --> 00:00:35,483
so she really knows
most of what's going on.
19
00:00:35,621 --> 00:00:36,726
Yeah. Yes, yes.
20
00:00:36,864 --> 00:00:38,624
Know who I interviewed today?
JAMIE: Who?
21
00:00:38,762 --> 00:00:41,041
The guy who invented
the little piece of plastic
22
00:00:41,179 --> 00:00:44,182
that keeps the top of the pizza
box from touching pizza.
23
00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:45,355
How was the segment?
24
00:00:45,493 --> 00:00:48,358
Ah, he didn't have
a lot to say, sadly.
25
00:00:48,496 --> 00:00:49,911
Kind of a quiet fellow.
Yeah.
26
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:52,811
And then this light didn't work,
which was just maddening.
27
00:00:52,949 --> 00:00:54,985
Yeah, but, oh, I was just
so thrilled to be there.
28
00:00:55,124 --> 00:00:57,574
Because, you see, I've been
trying to make up for lost time.
29
00:00:57,712 --> 00:00:59,438
Sort of rebuild my
circle of friends,
30
00:00:59,576 --> 00:01:02,096
just immerse myself
in your lives.
31
00:01:02,234 --> 00:01:03,649
Yeah.
32
00:01:03,787 --> 00:01:05,203
If that's okay with you?
Oh, hey!
33
00:01:05,341 --> 00:01:07,101
Please!
Immerse yourself away.
34
00:01:07,239 --> 00:01:09,034
Great, great.
35
00:01:12,796 --> 00:01:14,212
How's the immersing
going?
36
00:01:14,350 --> 00:01:16,628
It's good, it's good.
37
00:01:16,766 --> 00:01:18,043
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
38
00:01:18,181 --> 00:01:19,389
Was that the doorbell?
39
00:01:19,527 --> 00:01:21,874
You remember the doorbell.
Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.
40
00:01:23,531 --> 00:01:25,533
Hey, Splinky,
you know the good doctor.
41
00:01:25,671 --> 00:01:27,156
Hey!
Ira!
42
00:01:27,294 --> 00:01:29,434
Mark!
Oh, Ira, how are you?
43
00:01:29,572 --> 00:01:30,952
How are things?
Good.
44
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:32,506
How's things with the women?
Good.
45
00:01:32,644 --> 00:01:33,817
How's the store?
Not so good.
46
00:01:33,955 --> 00:01:35,302
What? What?
47
00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:37,683
Well, I've made some unfortunate
business decisions.
48
00:01:37,821 --> 00:01:39,961
But, hey, you know,
everything is gonna turn around.
49
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,930
I have come up with
a fantastic new promotion.
50
00:01:43,068 --> 00:01:45,381
Tomorrow afternoon,
at my store,
51
00:01:45,519 --> 00:01:47,176
one of my customers is gonna win
52
00:01:47,314 --> 00:01:50,420
a brand spanking
new Cadillac DeVille.
53
00:01:50,558 --> 00:01:52,146
A DeVille? Wow!
Wow!
54
00:01:52,284 --> 00:01:54,148
That's the kind
of car where you-- Where you--
55
00:01:54,286 --> 00:01:55,563
You ride in a car
and people say,
56
00:01:55,701 --> 00:01:57,151
"Wow! That--
Look at that car!"
57
00:01:57,289 --> 00:01:58,290
I know.
58
00:01:58,428 --> 00:02:00,396
So how do you win?
Well, it's easy.
59
00:02:00,534 --> 00:02:02,467
Twelve contestants put
their hands on the car,
60
00:02:02,605 --> 00:02:04,710
the last one to take
their hands off wins.
61
00:02:04,848 --> 00:02:06,988
Can you afford
to give away a car?
62
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,714
Ha, ha. Not even close.
63
00:02:08,852 --> 00:02:10,751
I'm renting
the car for the day
64
00:02:10,889 --> 00:02:13,063
and the contestants
are all gonna be ringers.
65
00:02:13,202 --> 00:02:15,583
So the whole thing
is just a big fraud?
66
00:02:15,721 --> 00:02:18,310
Well, it's grand larceny,
actually, but, yeah.
67
00:02:18,448 --> 00:02:20,623
God, I've missed you guys.
68
00:02:20,761 --> 00:02:22,763
This is the worst thing
I've ever heard.
69
00:02:22,901 --> 00:02:25,766
Oh, really? 'Cause bankruptcy
is the worst thing I ever heard.
70
00:02:25,904 --> 00:02:27,595
What, things are
really that bad, huh?
71
00:02:27,733 --> 00:02:28,734
Oh, yeah.
72
00:02:28,872 --> 00:02:30,391
So where are you
gonna get the ringers?
73
00:02:30,529 --> 00:02:32,152
Well, I don't know.
74
00:02:32,290 --> 00:02:35,638
It's very hard
to find ringers.
75
00:02:35,776 --> 00:02:39,228
I say,
it's very hard to find ringers.
76
00:02:40,884 --> 00:02:41,989
Once again,
it's very--
77
00:02:42,127 --> 00:02:44,647
Oh, gosh, I'm sorry!
Oh, I'm so stupid.
78
00:02:44,785 --> 00:02:47,167
Of course, of course, you need
ringers. You can count us in.
79
00:02:47,305 --> 00:02:48,927
Yeah, count us in,
'cause by all means,
80
00:02:49,065 --> 00:02:51,412
we'd like
to be felons too.
81
00:02:51,550 --> 00:02:54,381
Paul,
Ira is a friend in need.
82
00:02:54,519 --> 00:02:56,037
Are we friends indeed?
83
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:59,213
It's a felonious crime.
I'm a mother.
84
00:02:59,351 --> 00:03:01,767
[SOBBING]
85
00:03:01,905 --> 00:03:03,148
What--
What's the matter?
86
00:03:03,286 --> 00:03:04,736
I can't believe--
87
00:03:04,874 --> 00:03:07,325
You can't believe how ashamed
I feel to stoop to this level.
88
00:03:07,463 --> 00:03:09,085
Oh, Ira.
Oh, come on, Splink.
89
00:03:09,223 --> 00:03:10,466
Oh, asking you to break the law.
90
00:03:10,604 --> 00:03:12,364
Who would have thought
it would come to this?
91
00:03:12,502 --> 00:03:14,194
Oh, Ira, don't cry.
Eat your sandwich.
92
00:03:14,332 --> 00:03:16,196
Stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid--
93
00:03:16,334 --> 00:03:17,887
All right, we'll do it,
We're in.
94
00:03:18,025 --> 00:03:19,613
Just don't hit yourself
with the food.
95
00:03:19,751 --> 00:03:21,201
Come on, Ira.
Come on, you and me.
96
00:03:21,339 --> 00:03:23,203
We're gonna pass
out these fliers until--
97
00:03:23,341 --> 00:03:25,860
Until-- Until we have no more.
Okay.
98
00:03:25,998 --> 00:03:27,690
Yeah. Are you with me?
Yes.
99
00:03:27,828 --> 00:03:29,036
I can't hear you!
Yes, yes.
100
00:03:29,174 --> 00:03:30,382
I can't hear you!
Yes, yes.
101
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,351
I can't hear you!
Yes! Enough already! Shut up!
102
00:03:33,489 --> 00:03:36,354
Mark has really calmed down,
hasn't he?
103
00:03:36,492 --> 00:03:37,907
Oh, yeah.
104
00:03:38,045 --> 00:03:40,323
I can't believe
this stupid light didn't work.
105
00:03:40,461 --> 00:03:42,360
You know how expensive
these things are to rent?
106
00:03:42,498 --> 00:03:43,740
Did you shake it?
107
00:03:43,878 --> 00:03:45,846
Sweetie, it's a very expensive
piece of equipment.
108
00:03:45,984 --> 00:03:46,985
You don't just shake it.
109
00:03:47,123 --> 00:03:49,436
Ohh! Bright, bright,
bright light!
110
00:03:49,574 --> 00:03:52,335
Very bright! Shut it off!
I did.
111
00:03:52,473 --> 00:03:53,716
No, seriously,
no, shut it off.
112
00:03:53,854 --> 00:03:56,028
Honey?
Oh, honey, where'd you go?
113
00:03:56,166 --> 00:03:57,616
I'm right here.
114
00:03:57,754 --> 00:03:59,377
Oh. Oh, ask me how I am.
How are you?
115
00:03:59,515 --> 00:04:00,999
Blind!
116
00:04:03,864 --> 00:04:05,762
[♪♪♪]
117
00:04:11,768 --> 00:04:13,460
Oh, I've blinded you.
118
00:04:13,598 --> 00:04:14,599
No, no.
119
00:04:14,737 --> 00:04:16,290
What if I've
blinded you for life?
120
00:04:16,428 --> 00:04:18,430
No, sweetie, it's just
a day or so, the doctor said.
121
00:04:18,568 --> 00:04:20,881
I just-- As long as I keep
taking those eye drops.
122
00:04:21,019 --> 00:04:22,434
I'm gonna take very
good care of you.
123
00:04:22,572 --> 00:04:24,022
I know that you will-- Ow!
124
00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:25,334
Look out!
125
00:04:25,472 --> 00:04:27,439
Maybe next time, a little
earlier with the warning.
126
00:04:27,577 --> 00:04:29,199
Sorry.
Oh, my God!
127
00:04:29,338 --> 00:04:31,650
It's worse than I thought.
He's disfigured.
128
00:04:31,788 --> 00:04:33,859
That's Mom, right?
Am I right, that's Mom?
129
00:04:33,997 --> 00:04:36,310
And I'm gonna take
a wild guess... that's Pop.
130
00:04:36,448 --> 00:04:39,002
I like your hair.
It's a disguise.
131
00:04:39,140 --> 00:04:41,798
I don't want any of my old
customers to recognize me.
132
00:04:41,936 --> 00:04:43,697
It's very
convincing.
133
00:04:43,835 --> 00:04:44,801
Oh, well, thank you.
134
00:04:44,939 --> 00:04:46,216
Look,
for the life of me,
135
00:04:46,355 --> 00:04:48,633
I just don't understand
how this happened.
136
00:04:48,771 --> 00:04:50,082
Well, like I said,
Sylvia,
137
00:04:50,220 --> 00:04:52,499
he was looking into the light
when I got it to work.
138
00:04:52,637 --> 00:04:56,019
I just don't understand how this
could have happened.
139
00:04:56,157 --> 00:04:58,574
Well, again, he was looking
down into the light,
140
00:04:58,712 --> 00:05:00,092
which I didn't realize,
141
00:05:00,230 --> 00:05:02,992
when it turned on
and shone into his eyes.
142
00:05:03,130 --> 00:05:05,097
I just don't
understand
143
00:05:05,235 --> 00:05:06,927
how a thing
like this happens.
144
00:05:07,065 --> 00:05:08,894
You know what? I don't either.
Oh.
145
00:05:09,032 --> 00:05:10,137
Hey, I think
it's really nice
146
00:05:10,275 --> 00:05:11,380
that you're helping out Ira.
147
00:05:11,518 --> 00:05:13,174
He's a putz.
148
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:14,590
When I gave him
the store,
149
00:05:14,728 --> 00:05:16,488
all I asked was
that two years later,
150
00:05:16,626 --> 00:05:18,490
I would not have to be
standing here in a wig.
151
00:05:18,628 --> 00:05:22,322
Hey, nice to meet you folks.
Glad you could make it out.
152
00:05:22,460 --> 00:05:23,702
Very subtle.
153
00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:24,807
Everything okay?
154
00:05:24,945 --> 00:05:26,774
No, no. Half my ringers
didn't show.
155
00:05:26,912 --> 00:05:28,673
There's some big accident
on 34th Street.
156
00:05:28,811 --> 00:05:31,538
Ah, nobody signals
anymore.
157
00:05:31,676 --> 00:05:33,367
It's okay.
I know what to do.
158
00:05:33,505 --> 00:05:35,335
Afternoon, everybody!
159
00:05:35,473 --> 00:05:40,201
Welcome to Buchman's Sporting
Goods "Win a Free Car" Contest.
160
00:05:41,651 --> 00:05:43,412
Now the moment you've
all been waiting for.
161
00:05:43,550 --> 00:05:45,275
It's time to choose
our first contestants.
162
00:05:45,414 --> 00:05:47,795
All right, come on down,
Jamie Stemple.
163
00:05:47,933 --> 00:05:49,279
Oh, what a surprise.
164
00:05:49,418 --> 00:05:50,764
Oh, who's that?
165
00:05:50,902 --> 00:05:54,043
Okay, put your hand on
that caddy, Mr. Mark Devenow.
166
00:05:54,181 --> 00:05:56,114
Oh, my God!
Oh, that's me!
167
00:05:56,252 --> 00:05:58,737
Oh, God! I've never
been picked for anything!
168
00:05:58,875 --> 00:06:00,981
I-- Ever! I can't
believe this!
169
00:06:01,119 --> 00:06:03,363
Oh, my God, thank you!
Thank you!
170
00:06:03,501 --> 00:06:05,157
A notch less, huh?
171
00:06:05,295 --> 00:06:08,989
Okay, our next contestant
is Mr. Paul Melton.
172
00:06:11,612 --> 00:06:14,546
Excuse me, I think
that would be you, sir.
173
00:06:14,684 --> 00:06:16,134
The blind guy!
174
00:06:16,272 --> 00:06:18,550
Paul Melton? Melton?
Okay, yes.
175
00:06:18,688 --> 00:06:20,000
I'm sorry,
I didn't realize--
176
00:06:20,138 --> 00:06:22,174
Okay, let me help you, sir.
Very nice to meet you.
177
00:06:22,312 --> 00:06:24,798
Nice to-- Thank you
very much, kind lady.
178
00:06:24,936 --> 00:06:27,248
Alrighty,
our next contestant is...
179
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,285
Uh, Sylvia Rodham Clinton.
180
00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:31,563
Oh, that's me!
181
00:06:31,701 --> 00:06:33,254
Very good.
182
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:36,568
And Mr. Burt,
uh, Bacharach.
183
00:06:36,706 --> 00:06:38,570
Oh, oh, no relation.
184
00:06:38,708 --> 00:06:40,469
Thank you.
185
00:06:40,607 --> 00:06:44,473
And contestant number six,
Mr. Marvin Bluestone.
186
00:06:44,611 --> 00:06:46,060
Hey, thanks, boss.
187
00:06:46,198 --> 00:06:47,545
MAN:
Boss?
188
00:06:47,683 --> 00:06:49,650
What do you mean,
boss?
189
00:06:51,445 --> 00:06:55,449
Uh, I call, uh,
everybody boss...boss.
190
00:06:55,587 --> 00:06:57,451
Excuse me, boss.
191
00:06:57,589 --> 00:06:59,867
[DOG BARKS]
Don't pee on the floor, boss.
192
00:07:00,005 --> 00:07:03,940
Okay, contestants,
approach the car.
193
00:07:04,078 --> 00:07:05,632
MAN:
Hey!
194
00:07:05,770 --> 00:07:08,117
Hey, you only
picked six names.
195
00:07:08,255 --> 00:07:10,671
The flier said
there'd be 12 contestants.
196
00:07:10,809 --> 00:07:13,018
Well, the flier was wrong.
We're going with six.
197
00:07:13,156 --> 00:07:15,918
Oh, yeah, well, I'm calling
the Better Business Bureau.
198
00:07:16,056 --> 00:07:17,644
We're going with 12.
199
00:07:17,782 --> 00:07:18,921
Okay...
200
00:07:19,059 --> 00:07:20,992
There's one in every crowd.
201
00:07:21,130 --> 00:07:24,892
Uh, okay, say hello
to Susan Ackerman,
202
00:07:25,030 --> 00:07:26,618
Jason Disbrow,
203
00:07:26,756 --> 00:07:29,621
Ray Thorn,
204
00:07:29,759 --> 00:07:32,003
Jane Santangello,
205
00:07:32,141 --> 00:07:33,245
Maggie Conway.
206
00:07:33,383 --> 00:07:34,523
Ooh! Ooh!
207
00:07:34,661 --> 00:07:36,214
Maggie Conway?
208
00:07:36,352 --> 00:07:37,974
Is-- Is she a ringer?
209
00:07:38,112 --> 00:07:39,873
No, no,
she's legit.
210
00:07:40,011 --> 00:07:41,909
Okay, and our
last contestant is...
211
00:07:42,047 --> 00:07:43,635
Mr. Rory O'Grady.
212
00:07:43,773 --> 00:07:46,224
Yeah! Yeah!
Whoa, baby!
213
00:07:46,362 --> 00:07:48,433
Daddy needs a new caddy.
214
00:07:48,571 --> 00:07:50,608
Wait a minute,
you are Rory O'Grady?
215
00:07:50,746 --> 00:07:52,023
Yeah, why?
216
00:07:52,161 --> 00:07:53,196
Oh, nothing.
217
00:07:53,334 --> 00:07:55,164
What, I don't look
Irish to you, is that it?
218
00:07:55,302 --> 00:07:56,303
I didn't say that.
219
00:07:56,441 --> 00:07:58,098
Why, because
I'm not wearing green
220
00:07:58,236 --> 00:08:00,065
and I don't have
red hair and freckles.
221
00:08:00,203 --> 00:08:02,930
Sorry, I left my "kiss me,
I'm Irish" button at home.
222
00:08:03,068 --> 00:08:05,105
You're on my list, pal.
223
00:08:05,243 --> 00:08:07,107
Okay, super.
224
00:08:07,245 --> 00:08:10,179
All right, we got 12.
Hands on the car.
225
00:08:10,317 --> 00:08:11,560
Alrighty.
226
00:08:11,698 --> 00:08:14,010
IRA:
Listen, folks,
those of you watching,
227
00:08:14,148 --> 00:08:15,702
it wouldn't kill you
to buy something.
228
00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:17,186
All right, now,
we're gonna begin.
229
00:08:17,324 --> 00:08:18,290
Ready?
230
00:08:18,428 --> 00:08:19,326
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Ow!
231
00:08:19,464 --> 00:08:20,534
Whoops! Sorry, lady,
232
00:08:20,672 --> 00:08:23,261
you took your hands off the car.
You're out.
233
00:08:23,399 --> 00:08:24,918
We're down to 11.
234
00:08:25,056 --> 00:08:27,437
Boy, I really feel
like my other senses
235
00:08:27,576 --> 00:08:29,578
are compensating
for my lack of sight.
236
00:08:29,716 --> 00:08:31,165
Everything's more acute.
237
00:08:31,303 --> 00:08:33,754
Are you kidding me? You've been
blind for an hour and a half.
238
00:08:33,892 --> 00:08:36,619
I'm telling you.
Okay, perfect example.
239
00:08:36,757 --> 00:08:40,416
Somebody is behind me, oh,
15 feet behind me, I would say,
240
00:08:40,554 --> 00:08:44,489
eating a burrito con queso.
241
00:08:45,904 --> 00:08:47,043
Oh, my God!
242
00:08:47,181 --> 00:08:49,080
Am I right?
Okay, somebody over there,
243
00:08:49,218 --> 00:08:51,427
somebody has Tic Tacs.
Oh, come on!
244
00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:52,808
Go ask, go ask.
245
00:08:52,946 --> 00:08:54,706
I think you'll find
that it's the man in the--
246
00:08:54,844 --> 00:08:56,501
No, I'm sorry,
it's the woman...
247
00:08:58,227 --> 00:09:01,748
Woman. She's wearing tweed.
248
00:09:01,886 --> 00:09:02,956
Excuse me.
249
00:09:03,094 --> 00:09:06,407
Sure. Whoa, hey, okay.
250
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:10,757
Excuse me, does anybody
happen to have a Tic-Tac?
251
00:09:10,895 --> 00:09:12,586
My God!
252
00:09:12,724 --> 00:09:14,795
See, you doubted me.
[WATCH ALARM BEEPS]
253
00:09:14,933 --> 00:09:17,004
Oh, okay,
time for the drops.
254
00:09:17,142 --> 00:09:18,592
All right,
little drops. Ohh.
255
00:09:18,730 --> 00:09:20,076
Okay, glasses off,
256
00:09:20,214 --> 00:09:21,388
eyes open.
257
00:09:21,526 --> 00:09:22,769
I know the drill.
Okay.
258
00:09:22,907 --> 00:09:24,805
Okay, glasses off.
259
00:09:24,943 --> 00:09:27,808
Oh, boy, I-- I don't
enjoy this part of it.
260
00:09:27,946 --> 00:09:30,431
Here we go.
All right, all right.
261
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:31,812
Did you do it yet?
262
00:09:31,950 --> 00:09:33,573
Nope, not yet.
All right.
263
00:09:33,711 --> 00:09:35,022
Here it comes.
264
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,093
Okay.
Ah, that's my cheek.
265
00:09:37,231 --> 00:09:38,474
That's all right.
Sorry.
266
00:09:38,612 --> 00:09:41,063
Okay.
Here it comes.
267
00:09:41,201 --> 00:09:42,409
Uh-huh.
Uh, nostrils.
268
00:09:42,547 --> 00:09:43,721
I'm sorry.
269
00:09:43,859 --> 00:09:45,861
It's not enough that
she nearly blinded him,
270
00:09:45,999 --> 00:09:47,794
now she's gonna drown him.
No, she's not.
271
00:09:47,932 --> 00:09:49,312
Let me do it.
No, no, Sylvia--
272
00:09:49,450 --> 00:09:51,936
Hey, doctor, two losers
right over there!
273
00:09:52,074 --> 00:09:53,938
Oh, for crying out loud.
274
00:09:54,076 --> 00:09:57,217
All right, sir, ma'am,
you're out of the contest.
275
00:09:57,355 --> 00:09:58,598
What,
you mean you can't even
276
00:09:58,736 --> 00:10:00,392
take your hand off the car
even once?
277
00:10:00,530 --> 00:10:02,878
No, those are the rules.
In fact, the only rule!
278
00:10:03,016 --> 00:10:05,294
Okay, step away
from the car.
279
00:10:06,916 --> 00:10:08,435
PAUL:
Did you do it yet?
280
00:10:08,573 --> 00:10:11,472
Here it comes-- Oops!
281
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,129
Tastes like chicken.
282
00:10:13,267 --> 00:10:15,476
Sorry.
283
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,168
Excuse me, ma'am.
284
00:10:17,306 --> 00:10:18,652
You holding up okay?
285
00:10:18,790 --> 00:10:21,724
Because, you know,
there's no shame in leaving.
286
00:10:21,862 --> 00:10:23,899
Let me explain
something to you.
287
00:10:24,037 --> 00:10:26,798
I may be British, but there's
nothing on God's earth
288
00:10:26,936 --> 00:10:31,113
that moves my soul as much
as a big American Cadillac.
289
00:10:31,251 --> 00:10:32,528
Really?
290
00:10:32,666 --> 00:10:36,463
Just look at it: power
everything, leather interior,
291
00:10:36,601 --> 00:10:39,535
275 horsepower V-8,
292
00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:42,020
zero to 60
in a blink of an eye.
293
00:10:42,158 --> 00:10:44,436
Uhh! Oh, God!
294
00:10:45,610 --> 00:10:46,784
Okay, so you're staying?
295
00:10:46,922 --> 00:10:48,233
Uh-huh.
296
00:10:48,371 --> 00:10:49,821
Hi, guys.
Hey.
297
00:10:49,959 --> 00:10:51,167
That would
be Marvin.
298
00:10:51,305 --> 00:10:53,307
Yes. How's it going?
299
00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:55,793
My girlfriend wants me to quit
my stock boy job,
300
00:10:55,931 --> 00:10:57,380
but I don't know
what else I could do.
301
00:10:57,518 --> 00:10:58,830
Well, what are
your interests?
302
00:10:58,968 --> 00:11:00,625
Funny cars.
303
00:11:00,763 --> 00:11:01,902
Anything else?
304
00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:03,283
Helping people.
305
00:11:03,421 --> 00:11:04,836
So, like,
a funny car ambulance
306
00:11:04,974 --> 00:11:07,667
would be
right up your alley?
307
00:11:07,805 --> 00:11:09,979
Forget it.
Whoa, Marvin.
308
00:11:10,117 --> 00:11:13,051
I was kidding around.
Where'd he go? Marv?
309
00:11:13,189 --> 00:11:14,881
How you doing?
Good, good.
310
00:11:15,019 --> 00:11:17,262
Quite a car, isn't she?
Sure is.
311
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:19,471
Hey, would you like to take
a look at the inside?
312
00:11:19,609 --> 00:11:20,887
Is-- Is that allowed?
313
00:11:21,025 --> 00:11:22,405
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
314
00:11:22,543 --> 00:11:24,891
Just, you know, make sure you
keep your hand on the car.
315
00:11:25,029 --> 00:11:26,202
Don't worry.
316
00:11:26,340 --> 00:11:28,515
Okay.
317
00:11:28,653 --> 00:11:31,173
Do me a favor, huh,
shut this door?
318
00:11:31,311 --> 00:11:33,244
MAN:
Aah!
319
00:11:33,382 --> 00:11:35,971
Oh, my gosh!
Your hand!
320
00:11:36,109 --> 00:11:37,110
Put some water
on it!
321
00:11:37,248 --> 00:11:38,698
Give him a hand.
322
00:11:38,836 --> 00:11:41,942
Oh, by the way,
you two guys, you're out!
323
00:11:43,185 --> 00:11:44,945
Hey, Maggie.
324
00:11:46,326 --> 00:11:47,430
How you holding up?
325
00:11:47,568 --> 00:11:50,295
Ooh, I love
this machine.
326
00:11:52,435 --> 00:11:53,678
Ohh.
327
00:11:53,816 --> 00:11:55,576
I'm just gonna
give you a minute.
328
00:12:01,893 --> 00:12:04,033
Hey, James.
329
00:12:04,171 --> 00:12:06,829
Oh, don't go,
don't go. Stay. Stay.
330
00:12:06,967 --> 00:12:10,177
Because my fantastically
acute senses
331
00:12:10,315 --> 00:12:13,249
tell me that there
is nobody around us right now.
332
00:12:13,387 --> 00:12:15,562
So I'm gonna hop up here
right next to you
333
00:12:15,700 --> 00:12:17,598
and snuggle
pretty close.
334
00:12:19,014 --> 00:12:20,947
It's nice up here,
isn't it?
335
00:12:21,085 --> 00:12:24,157
It's kinda--
Kinda cool.
336
00:12:24,295 --> 00:12:28,851
It's kinda sexy up here,
sittin' on a caddy.
337
00:12:28,989 --> 00:12:31,440
In fact, as long
as nobody's here,
338
00:12:31,578 --> 00:12:33,994
I'm gonna give you
a little of this.
339
00:12:36,514 --> 00:12:40,207
Perhaps even
one of these.
340
00:12:40,345 --> 00:12:43,279
Uh, don't say anything.
Don't say anything.
341
00:12:43,417 --> 00:12:46,835
What I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna
leave this hand here on the car,
342
00:12:46,973 --> 00:12:52,047
while this hand, I would place
ever so discreetly over here.
343
00:12:54,014 --> 00:12:55,567
What do you
think of that?
344
00:12:55,705 --> 00:12:57,224
Lower.
345
00:13:06,130 --> 00:13:07,994
[SNIFFS]
346
00:13:08,132 --> 00:13:09,167
Maggie?
347
00:13:09,305 --> 00:13:10,928
Yes.
348
00:13:11,066 --> 00:13:13,033
Excuse me
one second.
349
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:18,936
[♪♪♪]
350
00:13:19,074 --> 00:13:22,663
How could you
confuse Maggie and me?
351
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:23,872
You know--
352
00:13:24,010 --> 00:13:25,528
You can smell
a Tic-Tac in New Jersey,
353
00:13:25,666 --> 00:13:28,980
you don't recognize
your own wife?
354
00:13:29,118 --> 00:13:31,189
I-- You know, I--
I smelled, you know,
355
00:13:31,327 --> 00:13:34,468
a nice, lemony-smelling woman,
I thought it was you.
356
00:13:34,606 --> 00:13:36,712
By the way,
you also groped her.
357
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:39,715
Because I thought
I was groping you.
358
00:13:39,853 --> 00:13:41,337
Even after
the initial grope?
359
00:13:41,475 --> 00:13:43,201
Well, you know,
at a certain point,
360
00:13:43,339 --> 00:13:44,996
I started
to have my doubts.
361
00:13:45,134 --> 00:13:46,756
Uh-huh,
and why was that?
362
00:13:46,895 --> 00:13:49,621
You know, I-- I-- Truthfully,
it did feel a little different.
363
00:13:49,759 --> 00:13:50,968
Different how?
364
00:13:51,106 --> 00:13:54,178
I don't know. You know,
she definitely works out.
365
00:13:59,286 --> 00:14:00,667
Gee, you have
beautiful hands.
366
00:14:00,805 --> 00:14:02,048
Will you have
sex with me?
367
00:14:02,186 --> 00:14:05,845
Whoops! I'm sorry,
you're out.
368
00:14:07,329 --> 00:14:09,779
Oh...
369
00:14:09,918 --> 00:14:12,161
by the way,
we're open seven days.
370
00:14:12,299 --> 00:14:14,094
Don't forget
to tell your friends.
371
00:14:14,232 --> 00:14:15,924
Hey, I am
at a loss here.
372
00:14:16,062 --> 00:14:18,167
Well, what'd you like to do
when you were a kid?
373
00:14:18,305 --> 00:14:19,720
I used to like
to stack things.
374
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,791
Uh-huh. What else?
375
00:14:21,930 --> 00:14:24,277
I used to like to put little
pretend price tags on them
376
00:14:24,415 --> 00:14:27,659
and put them up on little
pretend shelves.
377
00:14:27,797 --> 00:14:31,387
You know, Marvin,
378
00:14:31,525 --> 00:14:34,597
it's just possible that being
a stock boy is your calling.
379
00:14:34,735 --> 00:14:35,771
I know.
380
00:14:35,909 --> 00:14:39,223
Deep in my heart
I've always known.
381
00:14:39,361 --> 00:14:41,777
I think I knew
when I was 8.
382
00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:44,711
But I-- I would pretend to be
like the other kids
383
00:14:44,849 --> 00:14:47,817
who wanted to be
doctors and lawyers.
384
00:14:47,956 --> 00:14:50,751
I had to live a lie.
385
00:14:51,925 --> 00:14:53,789
Thank you.
Wait, wait, no, no, your hand!
386
00:14:53,927 --> 00:14:55,480
Put your hand on the car!
Hand on the car!
387
00:14:55,618 --> 00:14:57,758
Marvin!
I'm sorry, boss.
388
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,450
Terrific.
389
00:14:59,588 --> 00:15:02,004
Sweetie, I'm-- I'm not saying
that you don't work out.
390
00:15:02,142 --> 00:15:03,972
I'm simply saying I--
391
00:15:04,110 --> 00:15:06,871
I was surprised
that she had, like,
392
00:15:07,009 --> 00:15:08,459
not an ounce of fat
on her.
393
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,428
Ohh!
394
00:15:12,566 --> 00:15:14,672
God bless America.
395
00:15:17,571 --> 00:15:19,435
Oh, my God!
396
00:15:19,573 --> 00:15:22,128
Oh, my God, Maggie.
397
00:15:22,266 --> 00:15:23,577
Hello, Hal.
398
00:15:23,715 --> 00:15:25,752
Maggie, please, darling,
listen to me,
399
00:15:25,890 --> 00:15:27,547
take your hands
off the car.
400
00:15:27,685 --> 00:15:29,376
Oh, I can't.
401
00:15:29,514 --> 00:15:30,515
What's the matter, Hal?
402
00:15:30,653 --> 00:15:32,759
Maggie can't be
near Cadillacs, you see.
403
00:15:32,897 --> 00:15:37,143
They have a rather
extraordinary effect on her.
404
00:15:37,281 --> 00:15:38,351
Come here, darling.
405
00:15:38,489 --> 00:15:39,800
There's only one thing
to be done.
406
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,009
What's that, Hal?
407
00:15:41,147 --> 00:15:42,872
I'll have to channel
her urges elsewhere.
408
00:15:43,011 --> 00:15:44,736
Stand back, please.
409
00:15:44,874 --> 00:15:46,980
Maggie, darling,
410
00:15:47,118 --> 00:15:49,465
look here.
411
00:15:49,603 --> 00:15:50,673
[GASPS]
412
00:15:52,227 --> 00:15:53,193
That's it.
413
00:15:53,331 --> 00:15:54,263
Oh, God!
414
00:15:54,401 --> 00:15:56,472
Look here.
415
00:15:56,610 --> 00:15:57,611
[GASPS]
416
00:15:59,337 --> 00:16:00,476
[GASPS]
Yes,
417
00:16:00,614 --> 00:16:02,375
look here.
418
00:16:02,513 --> 00:16:04,273
Ohh!
419
00:16:04,411 --> 00:16:05,619
Harold!
420
00:16:05,757 --> 00:16:07,725
Harold!
421
00:16:07,863 --> 00:16:11,211
Harold!
422
00:16:11,349 --> 00:16:12,902
Good day, everyone.
423
00:16:15,733 --> 00:16:18,115
Sorry about what
I said before, huh?
424
00:16:18,253 --> 00:16:20,531
No problem.
425
00:16:20,669 --> 00:16:22,602
Nice try.
426
00:16:22,740 --> 00:16:24,328
Thank you.
427
00:16:24,466 --> 00:16:26,399
Did you think you were gonna
trick me off this car
428
00:16:26,537 --> 00:16:28,539
like those other patsies?
No.
429
00:16:28,677 --> 00:16:30,403
So how's it going?
430
00:16:30,541 --> 00:16:31,852
Good.
431
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,647
What part of Ireland
are you from anyway--
432
00:16:33,785 --> 00:16:35,546
There it is!
There it is!
433
00:16:35,684 --> 00:16:37,686
What is it?
What is it with you?
434
00:16:37,824 --> 00:16:40,689
What are you with, like, the
find the fake Irish guy police?
435
00:16:40,827 --> 00:16:42,691
Let me tell you
something, pal.
436
00:16:42,829 --> 00:16:44,141
When I win this car,
437
00:16:44,279 --> 00:16:46,074
I'm gonna be rejoicing
with a pint of bitters
438
00:16:46,212 --> 00:16:48,110
and singing the song
of my native land.
439
00:16:48,248 --> 00:16:49,974
♪ With a bim-bam tooty
And a bim-bam teety ♪
440
00:16:50,112 --> 00:16:51,734
♪ We're goin' for
A Sunday drive, me boys ♪
441
00:16:51,872 --> 00:16:53,564
♪ With a bim-bam tooty
And a bim-bam teety ♪
442
00:16:53,702 --> 00:16:55,255
♪ We're goin'
For a Sunday drive ♪
443
00:16:55,393 --> 00:16:57,464
There's your Irish.
444
00:16:57,602 --> 00:16:59,811
Anything you
got to say to me?
445
00:16:59,949 --> 00:17:01,951
Please let go
of my hand.
446
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,439
Mark, are you okay?
447
00:17:06,577 --> 00:17:08,096
It's crazy!
448
00:17:08,234 --> 00:17:10,546
What?
The contest! It's crazy!
449
00:17:10,684 --> 00:17:11,961
It's cruel!
450
00:17:12,100 --> 00:17:13,722
It's crazy
and it's cruel!
451
00:17:13,860 --> 00:17:14,999
Mark, take it easy.
452
00:17:15,137 --> 00:17:16,483
What's the matter?
453
00:17:16,621 --> 00:17:18,485
Every time I
stare at my hand,
454
00:17:18,623 --> 00:17:19,831
it just
wants to let go!
455
00:17:19,969 --> 00:17:21,350
I can't take
the pressure!
456
00:17:21,488 --> 00:17:24,043
What pressure? There's no-- You
know, the whole thing is fixed.
457
00:17:24,181 --> 00:17:25,803
Even if you win,
you don't get anything.
458
00:17:25,941 --> 00:17:27,770
No, no, no, the pressure
of letting Ira down.
459
00:17:27,908 --> 00:17:29,151
I can't take
the pressure
460
00:17:29,289 --> 00:17:30,739
of the obligations
of friendship!
461
00:17:30,877 --> 00:17:33,535
I have to take my hand
off the car!
462
00:17:33,673 --> 00:17:35,709
I have to take my hand
off the car!
463
00:17:35,847 --> 00:17:37,918
Mark--
They shoot horses, don't they?!
464
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,230
Aah!
465
00:17:39,368 --> 00:17:42,958
Aah! Sweet liberty!
I have to go!
466
00:17:43,096 --> 00:17:45,064
I have to go!
467
00:17:45,202 --> 00:17:46,444
I'm sorry!
468
00:17:46,582 --> 00:17:48,619
I have to go!
469
00:17:48,757 --> 00:17:51,380
I'll see you
in another five months!
470
00:17:51,518 --> 00:17:53,348
I have to go!
471
00:17:57,317 --> 00:17:59,802
And then there were three.
472
00:18:02,357 --> 00:18:04,911
Sweetie?
473
00:18:05,049 --> 00:18:06,568
Honey?
474
00:18:07,914 --> 00:18:09,985
Honeypie, darling?
475
00:18:11,228 --> 00:18:13,092
Hey, buddy,
476
00:18:13,230 --> 00:18:16,578
she's upset with you for groping
the English broad.
477
00:18:19,236 --> 00:18:20,996
Thank you.
478
00:18:22,998 --> 00:18:24,862
Sweetie, you want to
play "went on a picnic"?
479
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,174
No!
480
00:18:26,312 --> 00:18:28,107
Come on, you love to
play "went on a picnic."
481
00:18:28,245 --> 00:18:30,316
Don't want to play.
All right, fine, okay.
482
00:18:30,454 --> 00:18:31,869
I'll play by myself.
483
00:18:32,007 --> 00:18:34,043
"Went on a picnic"?
What the hell is that?
484
00:18:34,182 --> 00:18:36,529
Went on a picnic
and I brought an apple,
485
00:18:36,667 --> 00:18:38,013
an apple and a banana,
486
00:18:38,151 --> 00:18:40,188
an apple, a banana,
and a coconut--
487
00:18:40,326 --> 00:18:41,465
You got to
be kidding me?
488
00:18:41,603 --> 00:18:43,087
An apple, a banana,
and a coconut--
489
00:18:43,225 --> 00:18:45,883
...a French toast,
a gingerbread man,
490
00:18:46,021 --> 00:18:48,506
a Havarti cheese,
491
00:18:48,644 --> 00:18:51,544
an iced tea, a Jell-O mold,
492
00:18:51,682 --> 00:18:53,787
a kiwi,
a lecithin substitute,
493
00:18:53,925 --> 00:18:56,618
a Mallomar,
a nectarine,
494
00:18:56,756 --> 00:18:58,620
an orange and a, uh...
495
00:18:58,758 --> 00:19:00,553
a, uh...
496
00:19:00,691 --> 00:19:01,830
m, n, o, p.
497
00:19:01,968 --> 00:19:03,556
A, uh, a--
498
00:19:03,694 --> 00:19:05,730
A pie!
Pie.
499
00:19:05,868 --> 00:19:08,008
A pie,
for God's sake!
500
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,355
Uh...
501
00:19:09,493 --> 00:19:11,426
Uh, I brought an apple,
a banana, a coconut--
502
00:19:11,564 --> 00:19:12,668
Oh.
[WATCH ALARM BEEPS]
503
00:19:12,806 --> 00:19:14,325
Oh, time for
the eye drops.
504
00:19:14,463 --> 00:19:16,189
Look, you know what?
Do your own eye drops.
505
00:19:16,327 --> 00:19:17,708
What? What are
you talking about?
506
00:19:17,846 --> 00:19:19,399
I don't feel like taking
care of you now.
507
00:19:19,537 --> 00:19:21,229
Oh, oh, great.
Sweetie, come on,
508
00:19:21,367 --> 00:19:23,265
is this what it's gonna
be like when we're 80?
509
00:19:23,403 --> 00:19:25,854
Come on, I get
a little infirm,
510
00:19:25,992 --> 00:19:27,718
I-- I have a problem
with my eyes--
511
00:19:27,856 --> 00:19:29,547
Uhh!
Ooh, sorry.
512
00:19:29,685 --> 00:19:31,653
A little problem
and that's what you're gonna do?
513
00:19:31,791 --> 00:19:33,931
Get a little angry
so you can deny my medication?
514
00:19:34,069 --> 00:19:36,209
My prescribed medicine,
you're not going to give me?
515
00:19:36,347 --> 00:19:38,729
That's surprising.
That's a little disappointing--
516
00:19:38,867 --> 00:19:40,386
Ow!
Ooh, excuse me.
517
00:19:40,524 --> 00:19:42,802
Give me that thing!
518
00:19:42,940 --> 00:19:44,528
[CRASHING]
519
00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:51,328
Pardon me.
520
00:19:51,466 --> 00:19:52,708
Sweetie,
521
00:19:52,846 --> 00:19:54,538
let me tell you
something.
522
00:19:54,676 --> 00:19:55,815
When you get older, you know,
523
00:19:55,953 --> 00:19:57,575
there's gonna be a lot more
of this-- Ow!
524
00:19:57,713 --> 00:19:59,267
There's a lot more--
When you get older,
525
00:19:59,405 --> 00:20:01,338
there's gonna be plenty
of ointments and drops,
526
00:20:01,476 --> 00:20:03,340
and we're gonna have to
take care of each other.
527
00:20:03,478 --> 00:20:04,962
So we might as well
practice now.
528
00:20:05,100 --> 00:20:08,483
Sweetie? Sweetie, look,
I'm-- Just-- Look, I love you.
529
00:20:08,621 --> 00:20:12,107
Okay,
just look me in the face
530
00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:14,040
and just tell me
that you love me too.
531
00:20:14,178 --> 00:20:17,077
I love you.
532
00:20:19,873 --> 00:20:22,013
Pardon me one second.
533
00:20:22,151 --> 00:20:23,981
Sweetie? Jamie,
come on, say something.
534
00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:26,086
Oh, just give me
the drops.
535
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:28,537
Okay, thank you.
That's all.
536
00:20:28,675 --> 00:20:31,264
Okay, I'm sorry, okay?
537
00:20:31,402 --> 00:20:33,991
I'm sorry I smelt incorrectly.
Okay.
538
00:20:34,129 --> 00:20:35,786
I'm sorry I wrongly groped.
Okay.
539
00:20:35,924 --> 00:20:37,615
I'm sorry I noticed
the firmness of--
540
00:20:37,753 --> 00:20:39,755
Careful.
All right.
541
00:20:39,893 --> 00:20:41,309
Here it comes.
542
00:20:41,447 --> 00:20:42,793
Ohh! Ooh!
543
00:20:42,931 --> 00:20:43,966
That's it.
544
00:20:44,104 --> 00:20:45,968
Ah, that's the stuff,
yeah.
545
00:20:46,106 --> 00:20:47,418
Hey, wait a minute.
What?
546
00:20:47,556 --> 00:20:48,937
I'm beginning to see
a little bit.
547
00:20:49,075 --> 00:20:50,421
Really?
Yeah.
548
00:20:50,559 --> 00:20:51,940
Not great,
but a little bit.
549
00:20:52,078 --> 00:20:53,252
Oh, good.
550
00:20:53,390 --> 00:20:55,668
Yeah, I can see--
Hey, you're pretty.
551
00:20:55,806 --> 00:20:57,256
Oh, thank you.
552
00:20:57,394 --> 00:20:58,464
Hey.
553
00:20:58,602 --> 00:21:00,707
Okay, I'm sorry.
554
00:21:04,159 --> 00:21:07,473
Hey, hey, hey,
hands off the car!
555
00:21:07,611 --> 00:21:09,164
Hands off the car!
556
00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:10,924
[LAUGHING]
557
00:21:11,062 --> 00:21:13,720
I win!
Yee-hee-hee-hee!
558
00:21:17,793 --> 00:21:19,450
Sorry.
Oops!
559
00:21:21,314 --> 00:21:23,247
[♪♪♪]
560
00:21:26,457 --> 00:21:27,596
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
What?
561
00:21:27,734 --> 00:21:29,495
I want my car, Ira.
562
00:21:29,633 --> 00:21:32,152
I don't have it, I swear.
563
00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:35,052
[KNOCKING]
Ira, I want my car!
564
00:21:35,190 --> 00:21:36,502
Rory, listen to me,
565
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:39,436
as God is my witness,
I do not have the car.
566
00:21:39,574 --> 00:21:40,920
Think about it, okay?
567
00:21:41,058 --> 00:21:43,371
A car in a New York City
apartment.
568
00:21:43,509 --> 00:21:45,752
Use your head!
569
00:21:47,202 --> 00:21:50,412
Paulie, Paulie,
just two more weeks max, huh?
570
00:21:50,550 --> 00:21:51,896
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
571
00:21:52,034 --> 00:21:54,036
What?
Damn it, Ira,
572
00:21:54,174 --> 00:21:57,937
I saw the tread marks
in the elevator!
573
00:21:58,075 --> 00:21:59,801
Explain that!
574
00:21:59,939 --> 00:22:03,874
There's carbon monoxide
in the hallway, Ira!
575
00:22:04,012 --> 00:22:06,497
I smell that new car
smell!
576
00:22:11,606 --> 00:22:13,504
Closed Captions:
Sarah Cannon
39894
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