Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour

These coronation robes do wonders for my shoulders,

don't you think?

Yes, Your Majesty.

Thanks, Ken. When you're surrounded by yes-men,

it's good to have a real friend who tells you how it is.

Finally, it's going to happen.

Westminster Abbey packed to the gills,

world leaders staring at me in awe.

"No, no, President Biden, no need to kneel."

Crowds chanting my name.

CROWD CHANTS: Charles! Charles! Charles! Charles!

Charles...Charles. Charles!

Oh! Hello, my dear.

I was asking you how I look.

Fit to be your Queen?

Erm...

Ahem!

You're actually the Queen Consort.

Granny was quite clear about that.

If it isn't Little Lord Fontle-Twat.

You absolutely cannot wear the Koh-I-Noor diamond.

It's an offensive reminder of privilege and empire.

Isn't that the point of the whole coronation?

Of the entire Royal family?

No, Camilla.

The point of the royal family is to bind a modern,

diverse nation together,

with bland statements on mental health,

and carefully-staged photographs of our children.

Gentlemen!

The crown, please, Camilla.

SHE SCOFFS

Cheers, mate.

Pa, I've been going over your plans,

and they're going to cost a fortune.

We are living in the middle of a cost-of-living crisis.

Which is precisely why we need to reach out and offer

spiritual succour from the window of a four-tonne gold coach.

OK, but just take the music.

1,000 choristers, 10,000 massed pipers,

Brian May on the roof again.

Brian May isn't costing a penny.

He's been living up there since the Jubilee

with a nest of squirrels.

I just hope Rishi Sunak sees it that way.

Of course he will.

The Duke of Norfolk's been planning it for months,

and he's the best in the business.

Isn't that right, Teddy?!

LOUD SNORING

Great news!

Still no invites to the coronation,

but I've found us the perfect outfits.

Are we going fascinators again?

Duh!

And the invites are bound to come.

We're an essential part of the family.

Why else would they have given us Granny's corgis to look after?

Totes.

We are absolutely not being side-lined because of Daddy

being too honourable.

Who's a good boy?

LOUD SNARLING Ah!

They probably just need to be fed.

What do you think they eat?

Sushi?

The corgis are in the bank, but we should cement our place in

the Royal family by making a really solid contribution

to the coronation.

Good thinking, Eugenie.

Food - that could be it.

A coronation food competition.

That is such an original idea.

Like the Great British Menu,

the Great British Bake Off,

Junior Bake Off, MasterChef,

MasterChef: The Professionals, Junior MasterChef,

and Celebrity MasterChef.

Everyone's going to love it.

We could launch it on TikTok. CORGI BARKS

But probably best to feed the corgis first. On it.

Who wants some sushi?

LOUD GROWLING

VICIOUS SNARLING

CORGIS YELP

So cute.

SNARLING CONTINUES

I've got a bad feeling about the coronation, Kate.

"The Big Coronation Help-Out",

"The Big Coronation Lunch".

Won't people just think it's a big load of old cock?

Well, you've just got to trust your father.

He is the King now. That's my wise gypsy Kate.

These days, we actually prefer the term "Roma".

Sorry. I didn't mean to be institutionally racist.

Of course not. Wills,

do you think that somewhere along the line, that wild emotional

Roma girl you met all those years ago has got lost?

That wild emotional Roma girl who first caught my eye performing

at a student fashion show in a see-through blouse?

That's the one. She's still there.

She just shows off her award-winning Chelsea Flower Show gardens now,

instead of her, erm...

You know.

How's your new project going? Great!

You know, Grandpa started the Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme,

I'm now the proud patron of the Prince of Wales

Out and About Scheme.

Do you think it's different enough? Yes.

There's far more emphasis on being out and about.

You might like to say, "Out and about".

Aiet and abiet.

Out and about.

Aiet...and abiet.

You'll get there.

Wills, we're in such a good place right now.

If only there wasn't all this unpleasantness

with Harry and his book. I know.

I've been thinking about him a lot recently.

LOUD GUFFAWING

I mean, yeah, we had a fight.

It was just a bit of horseplay.

Oh!

Oh...

THEY LAUGH

Soz, Haz! No worries, Willy.

Oh-ho-ho!

Cheers. Cheers.

After everything he said, I just think he's a total c...

PHONE CHIMES

It's my team with a briefing... about Out and About!

ROOSTER CROWS

HE SIGHS

MEGHAN: H.

Hey, M. God, I love it here.

Thank you for that positive and life-affirming statement.

I love it here, too.

It's the simplicity, isn't it? Everything back to basics.

Over there, by the statue of Oprah, please, guys.

And the amazing thing is, we've paid for it all ourselves,

without trading on our royal connections.

Any news from Netflix?

We're meeting them later.

H, when I was chanting just now,

I was thinking about how you can only live in your full knowing

if you stand your full knowing.

Absolutely. Can you stand and live in your full knowing

if you don't go back and reconnect with Wills?

Thank you for that caring and empathetic enquiry.

Actually, I have been thinking about him a lot recently.

I remember our fight so clearly.

I haven't exaggerated any of it.

DISTORTED:Yeah! BELL DINGS

But after what he did, I just think he's a total...

CHICKEN CLUCKS

But that's OK, because although it makes me sad,

it's part of my truly authentic self.

Oh! You're standing in your knowing.

I really have moved on.

Did I tell you, he always got the best bedroom at Balmoral?

And he had a Star Wars duvet, and I had Paddington.

Which is really babyish!

CLOCK TICKS

Is your father going to be much longer?

I'm sure he'll be here soon, Prime Minister.

How about a bit of a chat? How are your kids?

Without a briefing and some bullet points,

that's not going to work.

Ah, finally.

Sir, we need to make some serious cuts to the coronation budget.

According to these figures,

you've spent £10 million on your hair and make-up alone.

The coronation of a monarch can't be reckoned in purely monetary terms.

It's a glorious recognition of my divine authority.

It's actually an outrageously expensive way of

confirming you in your job -

which, by the way, you started at the age of 74,

and the state retirement age is 66.

Clint Eastwood is still directing films, and he's 92.

Clint Eastwood's films come in under budget.

Which is obviously why you like him so much.

I don't like him. You're the one who brought him up.

Well, if you must be vulgar and talk about money,

you'll have to deal with the Duke of Norfolk.

Teddy! LOUD SNORING

Yes, that's item two. He needs to be replaced.

But his family have organised state occasions for centuries.

The job should go on merit.

Merit? How dare you talk about meritocracy on the eve of

my coronation, when I'm to be anointed king,

purely because my mother was queen, her father was king,

and so and so forth, back to Willy the Conk!

This audience is over.

It's not an audience, it's a meeting.

You are worse than Nicholas Witchell!

You're going to have to sort this out.

No, I'm incredibly busy with my Prince of Wales

Out and About scheme. Well, that's not your priority.

Cutting the coronation budget is.

And you might want to say, "Out and about".

Aiet and abiet.

I so look forward to your visits, Sophie Wessex,

Duchess of Edinburgh.

SHE STAMMERS

Not as much as I do.

This isn't too formal, is it?

But no, I mean, you're now the Princess of Wales.

You're right. And one must live up to one's titles.

Urgh, out of my way.

Oh, Christ. What's that doing here?

Pippa! I think you know Edward's wife, Sophie Wessex,

Duchess of Edinburgh.

And I don't think it's too much of a stretch to say

she was the Queen's favourite - and my best friend.

Best friends?

UNINTELLIGIBLE

..to say!

Urgh, you're like a witch's familiar.

Now, where's my invite?

What to? To the coronation.

You know, that thing at the Abbey and the big party afterwards.

Oh, Pippa, you're not going to be invited. You're not royal.

Well, neither are you!

You're just shagging a bloke who is.

Kate...royal!

I'm sorry, have you got Google Translate?

I don't speak mouse.

UNINTELLIGIBLE

Sophie said that being a royal is an indefinable quality.

Poise, and elegance, and attitude of mind.

Oh, did she?

And you had that, did you, when you were being touched up by

the boy's football team round the back of the bike sheds?

For your information,

I was merely touched up by the goalie.

And he kept his gloves on!

I wish I could invite you to the coronation, but I can't.

I am royal, Sophie is royal,

but you simply are not.

BUZZER

Harry, Meghan, come in, come in, sit down.

So, I am so excited to hear your new ideas.

What have you got?

OK. An animation...

That's like a cartoon.

..for preteens.

The Turtle Who Learned Not to Turtle.

Tiffany the Turtle finds the strength to leave her shell

and empowers her sister turtles to swim out into the ocean

as strong, independent turtles.

Huh.

But that's not our only idea!

A sequel to Suits!

Suits 2.

Bigger, Better, Bolder.

What would happen?

Well, my character would empower her sister lawyers.

Ah, like the turtle.

Look, we love you guys, but we are going to need you

to give us something royal.

Like, hey, the coronation. You've been invited, right?

Yes, but we're not going.

We can't turn our backs on the normal life we've made here,

where everyone just knows us as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex.

And where kids in the playground shout...

HIGH-PITCHED: .." Hey, Princess Lilibet, Prince Archie.

"Come join in our game."

Plus, I saw this documentary where a coronation

got totally out of hand,

and this snowman started talking.

That's Frozen. That's an animation.

A cartoon.

Olaf's not real?

Look, it's up to you.

But either you give us a ratings winner, or you give us back

our ¤100 million.

PHONE VIBRATES Oh, I'm going to have to take this.

It's the guys from The Crown.

Hey.

I am loving your new storyline where the Queen brokers

the Northern Ireland peace deal.

Olaf's not real.

Just to keep you in the loop,

I've ordered a fly-past by the entire Royal Air Force.

With me on the balcony, taking the salute.

You're not allowed to take the salute.

Fontle-Twat. He's the King, you're just his wife.

Not even his first one.

He's right, I'm afraid. It's the protocol.

Yet the Armed Forces have far more respect for me than

they do for either of you two.

They sense that I'm good with my fists.

I've found a replacement for the Duke of Norfolk.

What? I've consulted with the country's top headhunting firms,

and, based purely on merit,

the best person to organise a slimmed-down,

no-frills budget coronation is...

The Princess Royal!

Ah!

I've cancelled the Abbey and booked the Holiday Lodge Express...

..in Slough!

Mein Gott!

This is the kind of venue

one might hold a wake for the chairman of the local Rotary Club.

That was this morning. Good God!

Oh, beautiful, wasn't she?

Truly a queen in people's hearts.

I've had enough of this -

and I will be wearing the Koh-I-Noor.

Koh-I-Noor is under lock and key in the Tower of London,

and there it'll stay.

Now, you listen to me, you pious streak of piss.

I've spent the last 15 years of my life on my knees

for this family.

Sometimes literally.

THEY GROAN

I have toadied to the tabloid press,

I have pretended to like you and your personality vacuum of a wife,

I have even opened an adult care home in Basildon.

Basildon!

I will have my reward!

Pa, I know this isn't what you wanted,

but it's all the country can afford.

Afford.

Yes, that's when a member of the public wishes to purchase something,

a book on Venetian architecture, for instance,

but when they check their purse, they find that they don't have

the requisite number of shillings.

Exactly. Yes, yes, I get that, I really do.

My spirit is troubled.

And don't forget, my spirit is the spirit of the nation.

I need time for contemplation.

Pa!

At least he's getting aiet and abiet.

DUBSTEP PLAYS

Food.

Coronation.

Innit.

Hi. I'm Princes Eugenie.

And I'm Princess Beatrice.

And we want you guys to invent a recipe and submit it to our

Great British Coronation Starters,

Main, and Pudding competition.

DUBSTEP CONTINUES

Great TokTik vid. Yeah.

PHONE CHIMES Oh!

Our first entry's come in!

The spelling's a bit off, but I think they're saying,

"Your dad is a pedalo."

Is there a recipe attached?

No. Must be a joke on boats -

Daddy being in the Navy, and so on.

That'll be it.

MUFFLED BARKING

Oh, no, they're doing their business again.

SNARLING

I don't like it when their back legs tremble like that.

Lawks, that's longer than him.

Your turn to clear up.

DISTANT SIREN WAILS

Not bad for a 75-year-old.

The Koh-I-Noor.

Why shouldn't I wear this, and remind the world that actually

the British Empire was a good thing?

Without it, India wouldn't have railways, and gin and tonic,

and little men who call you "Mem Saab".

Hello, Camilla.

Anne! What are you doing here?

We were expecting you.

Who's "we"?

Well, me and the horse I confide in.

I'm afraid your little game is up!

Well, at least I can still wear the ermine robe of state. Wrong!

I will not have you touching royal fur.

You will be crowned in this -

a wool-blend M&S pantsuit.

SHE SOBS: No!

M&S do some very nice things at the moment.

Deal with it.

Talk to me, oh, universe.

I have a query to do with my coronation.

Answer me, universe.

Surely I deserve all the bells and whistles.

Calling Dalai Lama,

can you connect me to the universe?

I really need to chat to it.

Come in, Dalai Lama.

Oh, Kate...

UNINTELLIGIBLE ..beautiful.

Hello, Sophie Wessex. Oh!

This won't hurt.

Or maybe just a little bit.

Sorry about the carpet burns.

But then, you are under heavy sedation,

which should last till way after the coronation.

Oops...oops, oops...oops.

There you are, Sophie.

UNINTELLIGIBLE Kate, my bestie.

You seem different. I do?

Yes, you look more...jowly.

You're not coming down with the mumps, are you?

Why don't you f...

I think maybe, it might be my lipstick.

That's it!

Bit slutty for you. But good to have a change.

Thank you.

Well, we should probably be getting to dress rehearsal.

Oh, you haven't heard the news, have you?

The coronation plans have changed.

Is this the venue?

It's like that shithole where you had your 18th.

Pardon? Nothing.

Still now sign of Pa. But on the plus side,

my Out and About scheme's going really well.

I just had a report from Doncaster,

where a group of my kids have done this.

Isn't that graffiti?

No, it's art.

They're definitely out and about.

Right. Wills, I've been thinking about reaching out to Meghan.

The old Kate, the Roma Kate, would've done.

ORGAN STING But now you're royal! Like me.

Hello, Anne.

And that sort of gesture is utterly out of the question.

Who put this tinsel there?!

What happened to you, Anne?

Peter.

My police bodyguard - and the only man I've ever loved.

He shared my passion for the countryside.

And I shared his passion for interrogating criminals.

Have it, you slaaag!

But when the family found out and we were forbidden

from seeing each other, a part of me died.

Doctors estimate between 85-95%.

And I resolved to become truly royal, and never experience

an emotion again.

Like you have.

Right. Thanks, Anne.

Good chat.

Any more entries to our TokTok competition?

No. And our invitations to the coronation still haven't arrived.

Camilla. Where are the corgis?

I must have those corgis. Really?

But they've eaten all of our sushi and shat all over the place.

Well, then, give them to me.

Nice little corgis.

Sweet little corgis. Come to Mummy.

Dog sitter's taken them out for walkies.

No! Oh, watch the soy sauce!

I must have them.

Why?

How dare you question me?

Do I look like the sort of person who would kill and butcher corgis

to turn their royal fur into a coronation robe?

Who said anything about that?

PHONE CHIMES We've had an entry.

But it just says, "Sweaty twat."

Another one without a recipe.

Perhaps it's some type of fish?

For God's sake, grow up.

It's a joke about your father.

But he was just too honourable.

No-one wants you Yorks in this family.

But they gave us the corgis.

Oh, wake up and smell the dog shit.

They were the booby prize.

I will have their royal fur.

Does this mean we're not going to the coronation? I hope not/

Cos these fascinators were ten grand each.

WILLIAM: This is great. When we get crowned,

we should totally do it in a budget hotel just off the M4.

Hm. DOOR OPENS

ANGELIC SINGING

I am reborn.

And I'm feeling pretty chipper myself.

Great! We can start the dress rehearsal.

Wait. I have communed with nature

and, via the good offices of the Dalai Lama,

received a message from the universe itself.

OK. And what did the universe say?

That the people are hurting,

and there is but one way their hurt may be salved -

by staging what the universe calls a "mega-coronation".

Right, in other words, the universe told you exactly

what you wanted to hear?

This is not the time to be cynical.

There just isn't the money for a mega-coronation.

If you refuse to heed the message,

I must lay down my burden.

Abdicate?

Yes.

It won't come to that.

If it did, we've have a full-blown constitutional crisis. Exactly,

which is why you must accede to my demands.

The universe's demands, wishes...

The wishes of the universe.

Oh, my God.

Harry and Meghan.

'I felt an emotion.

'But do I hug her, or challenge her to a bare-knuckle fistfight?'

We've come back with a healing message

to help us all find harmony,

like the notes in a song by Beyonce,

who incidentally just texted me.

Plus, we've got to clear out Frogmore Cottage.

Then pay your outstanding electricity bill.

This is a sign from the universe.

With both my sons here,

we must have a mega-coronation.

No, it's Slough, or nothing.

You're bluffing.

No, I'm not.

Then I abdicate.

Gott in Himmel!

Buckingham Palace have confirmed that the budget coronation

will go ahead with a minor tweak.

Prince William will now be crowned king in place of his father.

In other news...

But why, Charles? Why?!

You know why. Without proper ritual,

the coronation would've been utterly devoid of character and meaning -

like a registry office wedding,

or the reboot of Sex and the City.

We must try and look on our enforced retirement as a positive.

When was the last time we talked?

Oh, you're always talking, or giving talks.

That's your problem.

I mean, when was the last time we had a proper conversation?

Mm? Come on, let's have one now.

All right, then, you go first.

Now, tell me, what is it you do?

This isn't a walkabout.

Actually, why don't you go first?

SHE SIGHS

Erm...

Erm...

Oh, this is hopeless.

We need a joint retirement activity.

Something like gardening, or watercolour painting.

You've been doing that all your life.

There is one thing I've never tried.

Cannibalism? No.

Golf.

WILLIAM: You've got five minutes. What's this all about?

We've asked you here so we can apologise.

I've realised now that it was inappropriate of me to tell

the world you're living in a cycle of genetic pain.

And it was wrong of me to say you're too formal.

You're an emotional being, Kate, and you can hug -

just in your own special UK way.

You're our family.

Oh, Harold. Willy.

Meghan. Kate! Ah!

I never really thought you were racist.

Well, I probably said something unintentionally racist.

I'm a white upper middle class man with no Black friends.

Something was bound to slip out.

Oh, that's what they call unconscious bias.

Like when I dressed as a Nazi.

Listen, we've got to head,

but see you at the coronation, yeah?

It would be our honour to attend.

Bye!

You see, Harry?

With family comes opportunity,

but also responsibility and accountability.

And I guess that's what you call empathy.

Thanks for teaching me such a valuable lesson, M.

You really are wiser than Gandhi.

Mm.

DIRECTOR: Cut. Yes!

Netflix are going to love this.

Oh, great, cos I literally didn't understand any of it.

Still no invite to the coronation.

We're obviously pariahs.

And there's something else.

Edo's disappeared.

No note or anything.

Actually, I haven't seen Jack for a while either.

Even our husbands think we're shit.

Which is why we're going to move

to this place I've found called the North.

It's where York is. York is real?

I thought it was made up, like Narnia, or Wales.

Well, maybe it is, but the North is definitely real.

The people talk in funny voices and eat something called hotpot,

but they're friendly and welcoming.

I've rented a little cottage.

We'll live a simpler life,

a better life, without the royal family,

and without our husbands.

We're Yorks, aren't we?

Yes! And Yorks look to the future with dignity,

nobility, and honour.

Actually, we should probably change our name.

ANNE, GHOSTLY: You're the King now.

Open it.

Open iiit!

Ahh!

Is this budget coronation a mistake?

On the contrary,

I think we need to go further and economise on the banquet.

I've plenty of food left over from my 60th birthday celebrations.

But wasn't that over ten years ago?

Yes. And didn't people have to bring their own food?

Which I've still got!

I shall instruct the team!

WHIPS

Anne?

Hello, darling. Ah!

Oh, you're busy.

Absolutely. You know, cos now I'm the King.

Actually, on that, I was wondering if we should sleep

in separate bedrooms from now on,

like Granny and Grandpa in The Crown. Really?

Only because it's protocol.

I'm certainly not so worried about the coronation that

I can't get an erection.

Wills, if you were so worried about the coronation that you couldn't

get an erection, you would let me know, wouldn't you? 'Course!

But I'm not worried, and I can get an erection.

Open iiit!

LOUD SLURPING

Hello, Edward.

Oh, there you are, darling!

Mm!

My special recipe soup.

You boil the cabbage in water.

And then, you...

Eat it.

It's your favourite, we have it every week.

Oh, yes, of course. THEY CHUCKLE

Your voice, Sophie, it's changed.

Is it? It's probably just the coronation bringing me

out of my shell.

It's made you taller, as well.

I'm growing in confidence.

And changed the entire shape of your head.

Well, erm...

If the coronation's doing this to you,

think what it'll do to Charles.

But before the coronation,

it's the first Friday of the month,

and you know how much we both love that.

Now, eat up.

You'll need your strength.

Mm. Mm...

Charles, this is wonderful.

I've stopped hating people...

..and started hating golf.

Yes, it's very frustrating.

Wait! We're having a conversation.

Oh, yes.

And I've stopped thinking about how I'm not King.

Oh, I've reminded myself again.

Now I've forgotten again.

Perhaps golf actually is the answer. Yes.

It really is tremendously frustrating.

HARRY: OK.

We asked you here so we could apologise.

We've been over that. We're all good.

I've realised now that it was inappropriate of me to tell

the world you're living in a cycle of genetic pain.

What's going on?

DIRECTOR: Cut!

Is this being filmed for Netflix?

MEGHAN: We're really sorry.

They just want us to go again, for close-ups.

So, everything you said was scripted?

Sure. But we still meant it.

Yeah, that's the bit I don't understand.

A team of writers gives us this stuff, we learn it,

which is bloody difficult for me,

and then, we have to pretend like it's real.

It is real.

The writers take the emotional truth,

and weave in a compelling and relatable drama.

I bet that was written for you, too.

You can forget about coming to our coronation.

But we've gotta go!

We need more content for Netflix.

Not on my watch, lady.

So, what is this, like, the gatehouse?

No, this, is it? One Toilet Cottage.

It's not so bad, is it?

Alexa! Make a cup of tea.

What is this attached to the wall?

I think it's a radiator.

You mean they don't have underfloor heating?

I can't do this! I want to go home,

and to the coronation,

and to an afterparty hosted by James Bluuunt.

But B, even James Blunt isn't returning our calls.

ECHOING: Noooo!

LOUD SOBBING

You've got to be brave.

Come on, let's go and find the stables.

TRAIN HORN

A train.

Yes, the tracks are just there.

Let's go and see.

You've always loved trains, haven't you, B?

Yes! Like in The Railway Children.

The sounds, the smells, the colours.

Which is odd, really, because I've never actually been on one,

and I always get driven around in a car.

TRAIN HORN

KATE: The budget coronation is on track, but the most

pressing issue of them all is still to be resolved.

What am I going to wear?

And it's all the fault of the bloody press.

They will keep on saying how wonderfully I dress.

I feel like I'm caught in a trap.

I wish you'd shut your trap.

I need a big idea.

When I'm on a Commonwealth tour,

I usually wear a stylish representation of the flag of

the country I'm visiting.

Why not make a dress out of all the Commonwealth flags?

Oh, Sophie, that's brilliant!

An entire commonwealth summed up in a dress!

That way, you'll look as bonkers as the actual organisation itself.

Kate, at lunch,

Edward was talking about the first Friday of the month.

Oh, yes, Fondle Friday.

What, so he just fondles me?

Yes.

Before a solid eight hours of full sex.

I'm surprised you don't remember this, Sophie.

Sophie?

SHE WHISPERS: Oh, God.

WILLIAM: It's a great honour for me in my first royal duty as king

to be visiting this community recycling centre.

It's a dump!

It's not that bad.

No, that's what we call it. And with all due respect,

I don't agree with this budget coronation.

I know I can't afford my heating and I have to go to a foodbank,

but a grand coronation was the only thing I had to look forward to.

I really miss the King. The real King.

He seemed so kind and grandfatherly.

Even though I know from watching The Crown, he wanted

to be reincarnated as a tampon.

Without a grand coronation, I feel so alienated.

It's like there's nothing to unite us as a country.

What about The Beatles?

They split in 1970.

And there's only so many times you can hear Paul McCartney say,

"We were just a tight little band."

Doctor Who, then, that's still being made.

That's gone gay!

I just feel so lost. Oh, well.

Better get down Ladbrokes and gamble away all my money.

Oh, lord.

What have I done?

THEY LAUGH

You know, I'm exactly the same.

Before I found golf, I hated everything.

Particularly yoga.

It's a liberation, isn't it?

I'm a completely new woman.

Mind you, I still hate Springwatch.

And Winterwatch.

Men who wear fleeces.

The Tate Modern. Keely Hawes.

Charles, with your experience and skills,

I was wondering if you'd like to be on our committee.

Oh, I'd be honoured.

Norway. Cirque du Soleil.

Of course, if you wish to crown me chairman, who am I to...

That could be a bit of a problem.

Sorry, make me chairman.

No need for a throne or the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Although, of course, if you did have a throne...

It's just that we already have a chairman.

Oh. You actually know him.

Do you know what?

Since my retirement, all my ego's gone.

Literally anyone could be chairman, and I'd defer to them.

Anyone in the world.

It's Prince Andrew.

HE GROANS

You're doing the right thing, Wills.

Sorry, I'm guessing you're one of my ancestors, but I...

Ah. I'll give you a clue. I had ten illegitimate children.

Well, that could be any of them.

All right. I was very keen on the slave trade.

Ditto.

I'm William IV, and I famously had a small coronation, too.

But history's forgotten you.

Maybe kings need to be seen in all their pomp to unite the country.

I'm not forgotten!

The phrase "Silly Billy" was attributed to me -

and I'm very proud of it, very proud indeed.

That decides it.

Rishi Sunak, it's the acting King.

We need to talk. ASAP.

No-one's going to call me Silly Billy.

My erection! It's back!

Well, that got weird.

Right, can we make this quick? I've got a photoshoot to get to

where I'm supposed to look normal in a curry house.

Prime Minister, for the sake of the nation,

the coronation has got to be mega.

Look, Wills,

I was brought in to sort out the public finances because I'm a man

of integrity, professionalism,

and accountability.

And I'm telling you, the money simply isn't there.

Wait a minute.

I've just inherited the Duchy of Cornwall,

which is worth over £1 billion,

and your net worth is 700 million.

That's my wife's.

We'll pay for it!

We can go halves!

Er...

Oh!

I've just seen that if we move farm subsidies over to next year,

shave a little off education,

and delay a couple of wind farms, we can just manage it.

All right!

The grand coronation's back on.

I definitely pay my taxes.

I'm sorry, Charles, I'm leaving you.

I can't say I blame you.

All those years waiting in the wings, finally the spotlight

shone on me, and I blew it.

Sometimes you learn that your dreams

Will have to pass

When you realise your husband is

One tremendous arse...

The grand coronation's back on!

You've got to come back to London.

What if I don't want to go?

We're having such fun here in retirement.

Please, Pa.

I've brought your red box.

I couldn't bring myself to open it.

It somehow felt wrong and contributed to

my erectile dysfunction.

Do you know what's in there?

Do you know what it is the government really send me to do?

Important documents.

Things to review and consider. State business.

No, my boy.

This is what they send me.

Well...anyway, the people miss you.

And they want to celebrate your coronation with all the pomp and

ceremony a small-to-medium-sized economy can afford.

Everything's set up at the Abbey.

The massed pipers, the gold coach,

Brian May and the squirrels.

I'm begging you, Pa.

Come back and do this thing. Properly.

What do you think, Camilla?

Do I get to be called Queen?

Yes.

Get in the car!

Ready, my sweet?

It's Fondle Friday.

Oh, why am I putting myself through this?

It's not even a proper coronation.

What do you mean, Sophie?

I can't believe you haven't seen it already,

you thick Windsor inbred. I'm...

The grand coronation's back on! How exciting!

HIGH-PITCHED: ..very excited, too!

The boudoir awaits.

You were right, Eugenie, we're making it work,

and making ourselves proud of our family name,

which we've now changed to Arkwright.

It's fab here.

Fresh vegetables from our own garden.

Juice made with berries from the hedgerow.

And a friendly welcome from our lovely neighbours.

GOAT BLEATS

We don't need the royal family,

and we don't need our husbands.

TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS What was that?

I heard it, too. A steam train!

Because we're in the North,

and they haven't got their Levelling Up money yet.

TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS There it is!

Wait, someone's left their bicycle lying across the tracks.

I certainly didn't leave it there because I thought it was, like,

a Lime Bike you just chuck anywhere.

We've got to warn the driver, or there'll be a terrible disaster!

If only there was a flag we could wave.

Got it. We take our pants off

and tie them to those beanpoles over there and wave them.

Roger that.

You wear a thong?

Yeah. Edo likes it. He's Italian.

But it's too tiny!

TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS

The driver can't see them!

Well, luckily, Jack's British,

which means I can get away with these.

BOTH: Stop!

For the love of God, stop! Stop!

Yes!

Edo, you were on the train?

I saw your thong.

So small.

Just how I like it.

And Jack...

And I saw your big baggy pants.

So big.

Just how I like them.

We thought you'd deserted us

because of Daddy being too honourable.

No, you silly. I was in Portugal.

George Clooney has made me brand ambassador to a golf club,

as well as to his tequila.

That's fantastic!

Although I'm still not entirely sure what a brand ambassador is.

Hey, a job's a job. Exactly.

And this time, it really is so me!

Oh, and here's a telegram.

It's from Wills.

"You're all invited to the coronation, stop.

"It's going to be mega, stop."

O-M-G, we're not ostraciiiiised!

Tequila?

Shots!

THEY CHEER

Well, last night wasn't what I expected.

Oh, sorry, I was a bit off-form.

12 hours of it, though. You're an animal.

I think it's my Royal Marines training.

Well, didn't you quit the course after four months?

Imagine if I'd finished it.

Imagine. KATE: Sophie!

Oh, she's here. Fantastic.

Oh, I say!

Your Commonwealth dress is sensational!

And I feel sensational.

The colours, the fit.

I'm my best-ever self.

Oh, Kate! I'm so sorry!

Now there's a massive rip in Jamaica.

That's one of the countries we've got to stop leaving.

WILL: Kate.

There's no need for separate bedrooms any more.

Oh, Wills!

Your father is being crowned King,

and you can get an erection.

Who cares about the dress?

This is the happiest day of my life.

Their Royal Majesties.

Right. Let's do this thing.

LOUD CHEERING

I here, present unto you, King Charles,

your undoubted King.

CROWD CHANTS: Charles! Charles! Charles! Charles! Charles! Charles!

HE GRUNTS

Auntie Anne, is that a wool blend M&S pantsuit?

Yes!

Yes, with the grand coronation back on and so much joyfulness about,

I've remembered the woman I once was - a multi-faceted, multi-layered,

kooky, wonderful, glorious human being.

How dare you offer me that without bowing?

Slag!

BLOWS LAND

So great you could make it to the coronation, Harry.

Shame you weren't there, Meghan.

It was a difficult decision, but I'm such a private person.

Willy, Kate, we owe you an apology.

A proper one this time, with no cameras.

And no weird dialogue for me to learn.

We can't pretend your behaviour has not had a negative impact

on our mental health.

Speaking up when you have a mental health issue is so important,

which is why I started my "Aiet and Abiet" scheme.

But of course, we accept your apology, and we look forward

to renewing our friendship.

DIRECTOR: Cut!

It's for our Instagram feed. Oh!

It's so important to get your narrative out there.

Hm. GLASS CLINKING

Camilla and I would like to invite the family

to join us on the balcony.

To wave at the idiots.

CHEERING

My subjects, we are racked by political instability,

with an economy close to recession

and an international credit rating worse than Lithuania's.

But there's one thing we British do better than

any other country in the world.

Dress up in silly costumes

and remember we once had an empire.

CHEERING

But you, the people, are hurting.

And I feel your hurt as keenly as if a butler in one of

my 13 houses had accidentally trodden on my foot.

Which is why we promise you a fiscally responsible,

slimmed-down monarchy to suit these straightened times.

Sod that!

We don't want half measures!

We want a full-on monarchy,

with all the weird relatives.

Yeah! Bring on the rest of 'em.

Apart from the sweaty twat!

CHEERING Bring 'em on!

The people have spoken!

CROWD CHANTS: God save the King! God save the King!

God save the King!

So, let's crank up the Elgar,

wave at the Spitfires,

and cry God for Charlie, the United Kingdom,

and the Commonwealth, on this, my coronation day.

God save me!

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