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Where's Hammond?

I said where's Hammond!

Lucky for you I gotta reload.

Oh, there you are, you mangy fink coyote!

I got a message for you from Rance Roden.

He wants his gambling cut and protection fee by tonight...

or I'm gonna come back here and...

get rough.

I don't want no trouble with Mr. Roden.

Take the whole place!

I'll take the next stage back to Ph-Ph-Philadelphia!

Now you're gettin' smart.

A fiery villain with the speed of light.

A burst of bullets and a hearty "Hi-ho,yahoo!"

The roaring frontier lives again!

From out of the dusty fiiles of the Old West...

comes the thundering truth of the great heroes of television:

the unvarnished accounts and revolting revelations...

of such assorted riffraff as Wyatt Earp...

Bat Masterson and Wild Bill Hickok...

men who in reality began their careers as evil desperadoes...

in total defiance of law and order.

Now, if you fellas would add that up...

you'd find that we're about 30 percent over last month's net...

which proves again that so far we've just scratched the surface.

- Now, I've said-- - You can take over...

the Short Horn Saloon now, Mr. Roden.

Hammond is quittin' business on account of his... health.

Very good, Trigger. Put a little pressure on 'em...

and they fold up like an accordion.

I was just saying that up to now, things have been pretty good.

But the sky's the limit.

Especially with the organization we've got today.

Wyatt Earp in Tombstone.

Bat Masterson in Dodge City.

Wild Bill Hickok in Abilene.

- Jesse James in Missouri. - All that smoke!

Billy the Kid in the Dakotas.

- What are you doin'? - Playing western chicken.

Not inside.

Not to mention Johnny Ringo in New Mexico.

- Cole Younger in Cripple Creek. - Marshall Quizby, Deadwood.

Makes an even hundred.

- Beats me by two. - Rob Dalton in Nevada.

Now, the syndicate is cleaning up in liquor, gambling...

and every racket known to man or the devil.

But we're gonna do better.

Before we're through we're gonna take over...

every territory west of the Mississippi!

Just how do you aim to go about that?

Get the Indians on the warpath.

I want to see every tribe up in arms from here to California...

and from Canada to the Gulf!

All we have to do is exterminate the buffalo.

With their food supply gone, they'll rise up by the thousands...

mean, fightin' mad.

They'll roll over the cavalry like a tidal wave.

Once the cavalry's out of business, we'll take over.

Now go on home and get busy.

Open war on the buffalo.

And if anybody tries to stop us, they're idiots-- dead idiots.

All right, you idiots, hurry it up.

All right, you idiots, hurry it up.

- What are you stalling for? - We forgot our gas masks.

Oh, yeah.

Mr. Cab-- Mr. Cabot will be awfully angry...

if we don't get the magazine off the press today.

And besides, we have to include a picture of Elvis.

Let's go. Now don't irritate Elvis. You know what happens.

The last time, he hit me in the back of the neck.

Come on, come on, come on. Come on, get going, boys.

- Come on, come on, get a move on. - All right.

- Hey, what do you want? - Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

Slowpoke. Now, you, you get the picture set for Elvis.

You, get busy.

And be careful. You remember last week?

We had to bury your clothes and you, pretty near.

- Yeah. - So you watch your p's and q's, eh?

- Okay. - All right.

Watch out now. He's dangerous.

I don't trust you either.

All right, Elvis, come on. Come on out, boy.

Come on, come on. Come on out here.

Come on.

Hey, Guttenberg.

- I'm sorry. - Always the life of the party.

- Accident. - Give me that!

Why, you--

How do you like that? Now get over there...

and help that other imbecile take a picture of Elvis!

Oh, all right.

- Are you all set, Larry? - I am, but the skunk ain't.

Do me a favor. Dump him out of the cage while I get the camera set.

Oh, I'm not picking up no skunk's cage...

because he'll give it to me.

And when he gives it to you, you get it good.

Oh, I'll get the camera ready.

I'll get the light now.

- How are you comin', Larry? - Not so good.

I'm sorry, Moe. Say!

This is gonna be a sensational issue.

It says here, "Once, a hundred million buffalo roamed the West."

Well, what do you know.

"Continued on page three, column four."

"And they're disappearing at the rate of 5,000 a day."

There's more on column nine, page three.

AT&T are splittin' two for one.

I'll split your head open! What's the matter with you?

- Leave him alone! - You, I'll tear your hair out!

Boys! Boys, please!

I'm working.

That's all right. You're not bothering us, Mr. Cabot.

Let me know the minute Mr. Abernathy arrives.

Sure. Sure will. Now get over there and take care of the picture.

Come on. Get going.

Get in there, you morons. Go ahead!

Come on, Elvis,just one picture, then you can go home as you are--

half-safe, like the other two skunks.

You see? He's stubborn.

Hey, fellas, wait a minute. Wait. Wait.

How about trying out my all-purpose hunting horn, huh?

Hunting horn? That looks like an unborn piccolo.

What'll you do with that?

Well, if I can get a moose out of the woods with a moose call...

and a duck in my duck blind with a duck call...

maybe I can get the skunk out of the cage with a skunk call.

Now, let me see.

Yesterday with a F-sharp and a C- major...

I got pigeons.

This calls for B-flat.

I wonder what Mozart would have done in a situation like this?

I think this calls for a pizzicato fortissimo...

with a fast-breaking cadenza.

That's a fast-blowing cadenza. I'll fracture your skull!

- Come on, come on, come on. - Out, out, out.

I know the trouble. Too much "pizzi" in my pizzicato.

Try it again. Yeah, I know now.

- Mr. Cabot! - Mr. Abernathy!

- Mr. Abernathy! - Help! Mr. Cabot! Help!

Take it easy, Mr. Abernathy. Easy, now.

Everything will be all right. Here, get out of there!

Don't you dare touch Mr. Abernathy.

Now, you leave Mr. Abernathy alone! Get out of here!

Go on! Right this way, Mr. Abernathy.

Let go of me! Take your hands off! Get away from me!

Mr. Abernathy.

- Hey. - Oh, Mr. Abernathy, I--

- What's going on around here? - We're just, uh...

getting the magazine out, sir...

with another hard-hitting editorial...

on the slaughter of the buffalo!

Editorials aren't enough, Cabot.

I had a meeting with our directors last night at dinner...

and we arranged to have you sent out west to look into this thing.

M-Me?

- I mean, me way out west? - That's what I said.

I've already arranged to have your press sent to Wyoming.

Come here. Take a look.

Now, do you know what that this? A buffalo census chart.

Look at that. You see that line?

That thing is trying to get right down into the basement.

And that is a big cellar.

Give me another chance. I know I can do it.

I got it in there. I just got to get it out.

Unless preventive measures are taken at once...

in ten years there won't be a single buffalo left...

on the whole continent of North America.

There's no two ways about it. You've got to go to Wyoming immediately.

- Give me an A, Moe. - A.

- Give me an A, Moe. - A.

I knew I could do it. All I needed was a reverse cadenza.

Keep him in the mood, Joe.

Did I?

Well, it's better to be half safe than half sure.

Oh, that's beautiful, Elvis.

- Ready, Larry? - Light 'er up!

- Mr. Cabot! - What happened?

Mr. Cabot! Mr. Cabot! Just a minute, Mr. Cabot!

- Take it easy. - What happened here?

That's what we're trying to find out.

- You all right? - What am I doing on this moose?

Cabot, this is the last straw!

I want these rogues dismissed immediately!

Mr. Abernathy, I'm sure the whole thing was unavoidable.

Makes no difference! I don't want them around here!

And that's final.

You understand?

You can take them out west with you, if you wish.

- I can? - But don't bring them back!

- Yes, sir, yes, sir. - What is this about out west?

Well, you see, Mr. Abernathy's sending me out to Wyoming...

to try to do something about the vanishing buffalo herds...

and I'm afraid--

That is, I'm afraid that you're gonna have to go with me...

- Not me. - if you want to keep your jobs.

No, no. Not me in Wyoming.

It's full of gunslingers, Gila monsters...

- rattlesnakes and lndians! - Yeah.

And besides, it's against our religion.

Yeah. We're devout cowards.

Do you mean to say that you would let Mr. Cabot...

face all these dangers alone?

- Yes! - Yes!

- What's the matter with you? - Wyoming, here we come!

Yeah. We're on our way west.

Way out west where the air is fresh and pure...

scented with the aroma of purple sage.

Watch it. Fellas, watch it. Watch it.

He's getting ready. He's aimin'. He's aimin'.

Put that down, you.

We should be in Wyoming this afternoon.

Only two months and twenty days out of Boston.

Not a sign of buffalo.

Looks pretty bad, boys.

- Hey, Paderewski. - Yeah?

Why don't you try to whip up a buffalo call?

Yeah. It worked with Elvis. Maybe I can stir up a few.

You stir 'em up and then you drive 'em away with those screechy notes.

Jealousy will get you nowhere. Listen.

Hey, fellas, look!

They're beautiful. Beautiful.

Buffalo!

I told you. I told you! With the right kind of pizzicato...

this horn will lure any animal there is.

- Any animal? - Yep.

- You talk like an idiot. - Then you understand me.

Well, now that we finally arrived on the lawless frontier...

I think we should be prepared.

Oh, it's okay, boys. It's not loaded.

Oh, Mr. Cabot, please, please. In the chamber.

Here. Let me show you, please.

- Here we are. - Moe knows all about it.

Yeah, you see, you open the side door here...

and you put it in these windows here, those little windows.

Right down there. There.

That's it. See?

Whoa, honey, whoa. Whoa, honey.

"Entering Casper... at your own risk"?

Well, I wouldn't worry about that, boys.

The West is really known for its friendliness.

That don't look very friendly to me.

Giddup, partner.

- What's today? - The 17 th.

Right on schedule. Hey, fellas, look!

"Sheriff wanted. No experience necessary"?

Boy, they really got a handy arrangement here.

Are you still gonna stay here? Ken!

- Who, me? - Yeah.

Why, yes. Yes, I suppose I must.

- So am I! - Me too!

Well, if you're gonna stay here and you two guys are gonna stay here...

- there's only one thing I can say. - What's that?

- Good luck! - You would! Come on here!

Well, if we intend to find out what's going on...

I guess the saloon is the best place to get started.

- I'd say so. - Yeah, let's give it a try.

Three blind mice Three blind mice

They all ran after the farmer's wife

They all ran after the farmer's wife

- Three blind mice, three blind mice - A Japanese Beatle?

Hey, boys.

Top prices plus a bounty for buffalo hides!

Why, this is the most outrageous thing I've ever heard of.

- Who's responsible for this? - Yeah!

- I demand to see him at once! - Well...

I'd be happy to arrange that for you, stranger.

Rance!

- Was he the man respon-- - Never mind who the man responsible is.

- What's the trouble, Trigger? - Well, this gentlemen...

seems to be taking objection to something that we're carrying on our poster.

Oh? Who might you be?

Kenneth Cabot from Boston, Massachusetts, sir.

And these are my friends.

I must protest this sacrilege.

Do you not know that the buffalo is the most noble...

of the native beasts remaining on this continent...

and that we are here for the expressed purpose of saving them from extinction?

- What'd he say? - Quiet, you imbecile.

- Why, you buttinsky-- - No. Take it easy, take it easy.

Now, we can settle this quietly.

First, gentleman, I'm Rance Roden.

I kind of run things around here.

This is my partner, Trigger Mortis.

Now, like gentlemen, why don't we step inside and have one on the house?

- Mighty nice of you, stranger. - Real Western hospitality.

Yes, sir.

Thanks.

Find out who's behind that dude...

and we'll take it from there.

It's all right, sonny. It's only Annie Oakley.

Oh, pardon me, sir. I-- Oh, hello, Moe.

You clumsy idiot!

Leave him alone.

And I told Rance Roden again and again...

that the one thing I can't stand in this place...

is tassels.

And I aim to get rid of them the hard way.

Another tassel, and it's gotta go!

And I think I'll just save him another trip to the barber...

with my famous slow bullet.

While we're all waiting, I'll just put a silver dollar down on number 40.

Everybody ready?

In my account.

Nice goin', Annie. She never misses, do you, doll?

Gentlemen?

Who's the good-lookin' stranger with the busy eyes?

Some pencil-neck from back East out here trying to tell us how to run our business.

Sweetheart, I've been thinking about you all day.

A buffalo contest?

Why, this is contemptible! Inhuman!

I'm warning you, sir.

If this shameful practice isn't stopped immediately...

I shall wire full details to my employers...

the Society for the Protection of American Wildlife...

- I'll be back. - and the United States government!

Something bothering you, Mr. Cabot?

Indeed there is, Mr. Roden.

I'll wager that this contest...

is exactly what's causing the bad feeling among the lndians.

And it may very well send them on a warpath.

Now, if we don't kill off them buffalo...

they're gonna eat up all the range grass west of the Mississippi.

I hardly think that's possible, sir.

Now, no eastern pantywaist is gonna waltz in here and call me a liar!

- Draw! - Just a minute. This man is unarmed!

Now, when I count to three...

you be ready to use that piece.

One!

Two!

Three!

- Good shootin', Mr. Cabot. - Oh, that was wonderful, wonderful!

Yeah, you're gonna do all right. Boy!

As one expert to another, stranger, that was dang good shootin'.

Attention, everybody! Attention!

Now, we all know it takes a powerful gun...

to maintain law and order here in Casper.

And this shooting exhibition I just saw...

which is about the best I have ever seen...

makes me want to nominate Mr. Kenneth Cabot for our next sheriff.

And his three friends can be the deputies.

Here you are, Mr. Cabot, still warm from the last sheriff.

Good luck. And good luck to you gentlemen.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Hey, Moe, Moe-- - Oh, please, please.

- Hey, we're in town only an hour... - Hey, Moe.

- What's the matter-- - and they already made us deputies!

- Moe, this is important. - What do you want?

- What's the date tomorrow? - The 18th.

- The 18th! - The 18th!

- Not, not-- - Hey, who sent for the Smiley Brothers?

Hey, you guys are a day early. Take it easy.

Okay, boys, if you'll start distributing those leaflets to the saloon...

- I'll get these to other communities. - Right!

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Good morning, Sheriff.

You know, the sheriff was on his way to the post office.

- If you happen to be going that way-- - Oh, sure. Here.

- Let me help you. - Oh, no, thanks, ma'am.

I'll manage just fine.

Well, I guess he's just not interested in her.

- And after she saved his life. - And we can't tell him either.

It's a shame. She'd be a nice girl for him...

if she was more of a lady.

Yeah. Too bad he can't give her a little that he's got.

Like class?

And she could give him a little that she's got and don't need.

Like courage.

- Then we'd have a man's man. - And a man's woman too.

- I'd better start. - Yes, let's go.

Hi, sonny, you look like you can read.

You look like a jackass!

Why, that--

There's only one thing I'd ask for if I had to tangle with that guy.

- You mean a fair fight? - No, I mean a head start.

Come on! Go ahead!

- Here. Read all about it. - Save the buffalo from extinction!

- There you are. - Get some and pass them to your friends.

Whiskey.

Leave the bottle.

I'll have a Coke. And leave the bottle.

Give him a Tarantula Fizz.

Ignore him. I want a Coke.

Well, what's holding up my Tarantula Fizz?

Come, come, my man. Come, come.

Put two tarantulas in mine.

Bourbon, one day old.

"Teckilah."

- Sounds like an internal hotfoot. - Who knows?

Fresh gin.

Don't forget the cactus twist.

That's that cactus doing the twist, I think.

- Drink up. - Do I have to?

Yeah, I have to.

How is it, Moe?

- They-- They watered it.

Well, if it's watered, then you--

Me. Here's lookin' at ya.

It is watered.

Short life.

You said it! Short life, chum!

Hey, hey, wait! Wait a minute, wait a minute!

- Hey, you, come here. - Me?

Yeah, you. Come here. I notice you're wearing a Colt.

- Oh, yeah. - I handle the line out here...

so I hope you don't mind my asking.

How do you like our gun compared with the--

Oh, very much.

Since I've been using the Colt, I get four out of five bull's-eyes.

But with a-- I'm lucky if I get two.

- Hey, Joe, you wearing a Colt? - No, I got a horse pistol.

I raised it from a Colt.

You know, these guys are--

Pretty bad situation, eh?

We figure we're doing the community a big favor.

- You said it, mister. - Yeah.

And I'm gonna do the community an even bigger favor.

- Oh, he's a nice fella. - Yeah.

- Wait. Easy, easy now. - Take it easy.

Easy, now!

I thought you were gonna do good for the community.

- Yeah. - I am!

You are? Whoa!

Now, I'm warning you.

That was a fella that I know for many, many years.

And you'd better watch your step, that's all-- Hey!

Moe, Moe, Moe! Oh, look out!

What are you sweatin' about, buddy boy? You been working hard or somethin'?

- They're my-- Hey, watch it! - Get out of here!

- The nerve that guy's got! - Give the horses a drink.

Here you are, baby.

Annie, honey, I can't make you out.

Now, first you wanted to wait until the middle of summer to get hitched.

Now you're tryin' to stall till the first of the year.

Oh, I suppose that's the nature of women, to be ornery, Rance...

especially us blondes.

Rance, that pesky new sher--

Oh, uh, pardon me.

That's all right, Trigger, but next time, knock.

- Annie-- - I know. I know.

Business meetin', gentlemen.

I bid you adios.

Well?

That new sheriff's got those three idiots passin' these out all over town.

"Save the buffalo."

Cabot's gettin' too big for his britches. You gotta stop him, Rance!

What's stopping you from stopping him?

I gotcha.

And I know how to do that for permanent.

Wow! What a blast!

- Watch that light! They might come back. - Oh, I doubt that.

They think they blowed the whole kit and caboodle of you to kingdom come!

Good thing you warned us, otherwise they'd be sweeping us up right now.

Well, obviously Roden's determined to put us out of business...

by fair means or foul.

But why?

He knows this buffalo slaughter's infuriating the lndians.

I wonder.

Don't be too sure, Sheriff.

A little bird told me that the tribes are plannin'...

a big powwow in the hills tomorrow...

- and they ain't all gonna be lndians. - Where in the hills?

At Bald Knob, their secret meetin' place.

Maybe if we mosey up there, we'll get the lowdown.

That's a good idea, fellas. You go ahead up to Bald Knob...

and I'll stay here and crank out leaflets.

It could be dangerous here.

You don't have to worry about me.

I can take care of myself.

But, Mr. Cabot!

You boys go ahead.

I'm sure the sheriff can take care of himself.

- Bald Knob, here we come. - Yes, sir! Bald Knob, here we come.

Chief Red Cloud. Sioux. Okay. Okay.

Chief Black Hawk. Cheyenne. Okay.

- What tribe are you? - Escrow lndians.

- Cleveland lndians. - Me Squaw Hootenanny.

Have special deal for great Chief Battle Horse.

Paleface kill buffalo.

Now red man with thunder wagon take many weekend trips...

drive settlers from hunting grounds...

and guaranteed for 1 2,000 soldiers or 1 2,000 miles.

- Whichever comes first. - Right.

Fire-breathing wagon spit like lightning...

make big boom like many thunderstorms!

Soon white man crushed. Buffalo come back...

with thunder of many pounding hooves!

What he say, son Charlie Horse?

Oh, he wants to sell us that souped-up hot rod...

together with some guns and ammo.

You know, if you'd cut out that broken English...

and that cornball pantomime...

this transaction would proceed a lot faster.

Where did you learn to talk like that?

Alabama U. I majored in poetry.

Why them no-good, double-crossing--

With these thunder wagons, Chief, you can wipe out the cavalry...

and every paleface in the West.

Take a look!

- Looks like the Monitor. - A battleship on wheels.

Quiet!

Easy, Sunstroke, easy!

Chief, nothing can stand up to these thunder wagons.

Watch the way the magic skin turns away bullets.

Fire-spitting rifle kill many palefaces.

Give 'em a short burst and let 'er roll.

Okay, roll it!

- What are we gonna do about this? - Who knows?

- That's a good way to lose the West. - The West is doomed.

There you are, Chief. You want 'em?

Real boss!

Yeah, yeah, we want 'em...

providing you throw in some fringe benefits...

like wagons for the Cheyennes and for the Blackfeet

and all our other allies.

- A fleet deal. - You've got it!

I'll do business with you, but I won't shake hands.

That's it, Pop. No skin.

Those faces. Don't they look like--

Hey, hey, what are you, a barber or something?

It couldn't be. I blew 'em to bits last night.

- Take it easy! - Welcome to the club.

I tell you, Rance, I seen it with my own eyes.

Cabot's press is going like crazy.

They're turning these things out by the thousands.

I'll tell you something. I've had all I'm gonna take from that nosy tenderfoot.

I don't want that dude in my hair another day.

Now you get him-- front, side or in the back!

Rance, he's as good as dead right now.

You know, they don't call me...

Wyoming's top gun for nothing.

- Hey, Joe, give me the string. - I'm busy.

Joe, put your finger in here. I want to tie a knot.

- I'm busy! - Did I ask for an argument?

Drop everything!

Get your finger in there, and we'll tie that.

Everything you do, you always fracture everything you touch.

I got it, I got it. There you are.

You got it. Every time you got it, I get it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, now we've got exactly ten minutes...

to get these leaflets onto the 4:30 bus.

Give me Mr. Cabot's list to make sure we got all the places he had in mind.

- Comin' up, Moe. - The list. What happened to that list?

- Everything disappears around here. - What happened to the glue?

There's the list right there, Moe, right there.

- There you are, boy. - Okay.

Get my hand off this chair, will ya?

Your hand?

- There you are. - Not that one! The other one!

- What are you doing? - This one! Come on!

Get this table out of the way. Make some room, will ya?

That's the one. What's the matter with you?

There you are.

- Maybe you can get it off. - Get it off.

Yeah, you do it.

You didn't shave your hand today, did you?

- How are you fixed for blades? - I'll show you how I'm fixed for blades!

- Just let me get-- Hey! - What?

- Where'd all this glue come from? - Glue?

- Get me out of this mess! - Wait, wait.

- Get me over here, out of this! - Okay, okay.

Get it off me, fellas, will ya?

I'm tellin' you, get it off! I'll murder ya!

Get the tools! Both of ya!

When I get out of this, I'm gonna save Roden's gang...

the trouble of murdering you guys.

You gonna take all day? Where are the tools?

- Okay, we got the tools. - Hold this.

- You don't have to worry about it. - Here. Right here.

- Right there. - Take it easy now.

Right!

Listen, Larry--

- What's the matter with ya? - I'm tryin'.

Well, get down there and get the things loose.

- Right there. - All right, up, up, a little more.

That's it. Now the other one.

What's happening? Looks like there's gonna be trouble.

I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

Gee, look what Sheriff Cabot done to Trigger Mortis.

He's even faster than Mr. Dillon!

Wonderful shootin', Sheriff, as usual. Congratulations.

Thank you, Miss Annie. I didn't want to kill the varmint.

Just teach him a lesson.

- That's it. That's it. - Wait. I'll get a chair. Wait!

Get a chair. We're gonna make you comfortable.

- I felt like I was going downhill. - Not with us here!

- There you are. - Sit down.

- Boy, I'm tickled to death. - Boy!

- Man, you guys are really friends. - We're your buddies.

We just-- Oh, no.

- Crowbar! - Get me out of here! I wanna kill ya!

- Help me out! I wanna kill ya! - Okay, we'll get ya.

Help me! Watch it!

Watch where you're sticking those handles. Take it easy!

Watch where you're sticking those handles. Take it easy!

But, Rance, it was like he had eyes in the back of his head.

Just as I whip out my gun-- Wham!

He turns around and gives it to me!

- The top gun in Wyoming. - But, Rance, I had him dead--

Aw, shut up!

Local talent. It's about time we called in the pros.

Now, where are the telegraph blanks?

There.

"Bat Masterson, Dodge City."

That's for being too lazy to deliver it.

"Sheriff Cabot. Fastest gun ever.

Rush to Casper. Urgent. Roden."

Fastest gun ever?

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fastest gun of all?

Jesse James,you was best till this new boy came out west.

That's a lie!

That's what us ladies think of sheriffs!

Oh, Ringo!

That'll teach ya to interrupt when I'm swoonin' the gals.

Man, he's a real swinger!

Sorry I can't take it all today. I got important business in Wyoming.

Tote that barge. Swish that broom.

Get that rubbish up. I'll fracture your skull.

And you, lamebrain, turn that basket up the right way.

lf I do, somebody will put rubbish in it.

Well, that's the general idea. Come on here!

- Oh, hi! - Where's the sheriff?

He went down to the post office to make a report to Boston.

- Why? What's up? - Plenty.

I hear Rance Roden has sent for his gunslingers to get Mr. Cabot...

and that's nine of the meanest, orneriest galoots...

who ever cheated the gallows.

And every one, a dead shot.

- Did you say nine? - Nine. Due in tonight.

And how we're gonna handle all of them at once...

is really gonna be something of a problem.

What about Fort Henderson?

The news is bad. The cavalry ain't comin'.

Yeah. The colonel's daughter ran off with a traveling salesman from St.Joe.

And he's got all the soldiers out lookin' for them.

Well, I guess the best we can do now is... pray for a miracle.

Well, don't worry about it, Annie.

- We'll think of somethin'. - Yeah, we'll think of somethin'.

We always do, don't we?

Why, certainly we do. Fellas, look.

In a couple of days, we'll be laughing at this whole thing...

thinking how silly it was for us to worry.

Laughin', you hear? Laughin'.

Laughin', Moe!

At a time like this, you're laughing?

- What's the matter with you? - Nine gunslingers!

- Serious, this is. - Dead shots!

All right, all right, shut up. I'm worryin'.

Disguise.

You guys sure that that batch is as strong as the last one?

Stick your finger in there and see for yourself.

- You'll never get it out again. - Okay. Now, remember...

Annie told us that the gunslingers are all in sample room six.

Six.

We really packed 'em in for the opening tonight.

The show ought to have a good long run here.

- Here it is, six. - Yeah. Number six.

- Let's go. - Sh.

Quiet, you guys.

Okay, never mind. I'd rather do it myself.

- Where's Moe? - Chickened out.

We'll do it ourselves.

A gun belt.

I never saw one like that before.

There must be a gun belt here someplace.

Don't do that!

- Did you find a gun? - Only this derringer.

Derringer? That's a curling iron, you chowderhead.

It must belong to Wild Bill Hickok.

He wears his hair down to there.

Yeah. That's probably why he's wild.

Don't shoot.

I can see he don't use this for walking.

Come on, baby. Come on, baby.

Oh, that Hickok.

- Did you find anything? - Only a pair of mules.

How did he get 'em past the room clerk?

Not those--

Jane, darlin'.

I didn't know you cared.

- Darling. - Can I call you... Calamity?

Comes tomorrow morning, you'll call me worse than that.

- I know why we haven't found any guns. - Why?

- We've been looking in the wrong places. - We have?

These guys carry their guns on their hips.

I think you're wrong, Joe. Let's try the closet.

Wake up! I heard a noise.

Somebody's in this room.

I think we made a boo-boo

There's a prowler in here. I know there is.

I think he's in there.

There's no one in there, dearie. We just looked.

You must have had a terrible nightmare.

Yes. Whenever you have sauerkraut and lobster-- happens every time.

Coming, Catherine?

Catherine, come on.

So long. I'll be seeing you.

- Pardon me, madam. - Think nothing of it, Moe.

- Come on, get out of here. - Leave me alone with those killers!

Come on, come on. Get goin'. Come on.

Hey, Moe, here they come.

Well, they'll be sorry.

Get that over there. How do you feel?

Oh, fine. I mean, Annie told me this morning...

- there was nothing to worry about. - That should settle it.

Well, I guess we better get it over with.

Yes, I guess we better. Let's go.

Bein' as I got to town first, boys, he's my pigeon.

- Fair enough, Cole. - Here he comes.

Hold still! Hold still, Annie. No tricks. Hands off the gun.

- It works! It works! - Now's your chance, Mr. Cabot!

Fan your gun! Fan your gun!

Let 'em have it, Mr. Cabot! Shoot! Shoot!

You'll hear about me!

Let somebody draw that knows how.

All right! Now not another move.

That smarts.

Go see a chiropodist, buddy.

Let's see you get out of this.

Pretty good, eh? Come on.

Attaboy, Mr. Cabot. You're still the fastest gun in Casper.

That'll teach 'em not to mess around with a Harvard man.

Yeah, or us. Come on, fellas. Let's clean it up.

Better late than never, Sheriff Cabot.

- Who are you? - Wild Bill Hickok.

And the lady is Belle Star.

I got 19 notches in my gun, Sheriff...

and you'll make it an even 20.

I never kill from this close.

Get 'im, Bill.

Can't keep a lady waitin', Sheriff.

Draw.

You won't get off so lucky, this time, Sheriff.

- Ken, wait! - Annie Oakley?

It don't look good for you to tackle a woman.

This one's mine.

Suits me, Annie, but the sheriff's first.

Why, you--

You heard what I been tellin' ya?

All right. You sorry for what you done?

Boys, make 'em sorry for what they done.

We're sorry for what we done!

Now, that's more like it.

Boys, we got a rat right here in Casper City with a capital R

And that stands for rotten and that rhymes with Roden

- Yeah, a rotten Roden rat. - With a capital R.

Yeah, we got a rat right here in Casper City

With a capital R

That stands for rotten and that rhymes with Roden

- Now, that's more like it. - Hey, there's another one.

Bring the brother in. Join the flock, brother. Hallelujah. Yes, sir.

I wanna go home. I wanna go home!

- He wants to go home. - Shut up, you crybaby!

There.

Now,you do say huntin'buffalo's an awful sin

Yeah, we say huntin'buffalo's an awful sin

Good-bye, crime Hello, law and order

Good-bye, crime Hello, law and order

You through with Rance Roden?

I didn't hear nothin', brother.

Yeah, yeah!

Yea, brother,yea We're through with Rance Roden

I want my Bill!

You poor lamb. Where'd she get you?

I don't see no bullet holes.

Where are they?

Well, I'm not really wounded, Annie.

I... just passed out.

Passed out?

Of all the no-account, spineless...

jellyfish.

From now on, you can do your own shootin'.

Do my own shootin'?

Believe me, fellas, if you take the straight and narrow...

kids all over the world will look up to you.

When we get back to Boston, we'll print picture books about you...

with songs and stories.

Your names will live forever. You may even get into TV.

I'm sold!

Listen, right now Trigger and Roden are up in Bald Knob...

selling guns and ammunition to the lndians.

They're gonna start a full-scale attack by daybreak.

All right. You wanna make up for what you done?

Saddle up and find the cavalry.

Let's go, boys! Let's show 'em we've really reformed.

- We've reformed! - Let's show 'em!

If we could only get a picture showing Roden selling guns to the lndians...

that would bring the whole United States government down on his neck--

End the buffalo war and put him in the clink with the rest of the rodents.

That's with a capital R.

I got a camera. What are we waitin' for?

We're waitin' for ya to get it, you mongoose!

- Is that with a capital M? - No, that's with a capital Gun.

Come on. Come on.

- I'm sorry, Larry. - Mr. Cabot, what's wrong?

Boys...

I've decided to close up shop and go back to Boston.

What?

I've been a fool.

I know that Annie did all the shooting for me and--

Well, now she won't even talk to me.

- But you can't quit now. - There's something wrong at Bald Knob.

We'll tell you about it on the way over. Come on.

We'll tell you all about it on the way over.

As General Custer said, "Look at all them fightin' lndians."

What are they, Blackfeet?

I can't see their feet...

but the rest of'em don't look too clean.

With guns and thunder wagon...

great chief will mow down enemies like ripe grain before the wind.

Cool it, pale daddy. We dig the setup.

We don't wanna go through that lndian jazz again.

- What's the matter now? - I think the chief's got a beef.

My papa says, since we're payin' for this thing in cash...

we want a ten percent discount.

- Huh? - You "wantum" wampum...

you "cutum pricem."

You got a deal.

Boy, somethin' tells me we're gonna make history with this.

Here's your loot.

Are you ready?

Say "cheese."

Boys, this is gonna be dynamite.

What are you waitin' for? Can't you see they're paleface spies?

Where's Larry?

Hey, what's goin' on here?

You sure you don't wanna--

Take it easy. I see stripes are in style this season.

Greasy kid stuff, Moe.

- All right, all right. - Easy. Easy.

One, two, three, four--

What comes after four? Oh, that's enough.

Perfect.

Hi. Have you heard the story...

about the elephant and the little mouse--

What are ya, a bouncer or something? Take it easy.

I'll get myself a cheap lawyer.

End of the line, Sheriff.

Here comes the fourth one. It's a clean sweep.

That's a devil box, Chief. There's an evil spirit inside...

that'll curse your tribe, and they'll lose in battle.

Kill it.

That's a neat idea, boys. Too bad it didn't work.

You renegades! You'll regret this.

So will you.

I don't know how you got away from my gunslingers...

but you're gonna wish they killed you first.

Now you're gonna get it the slow way-- over hot coals.

Wait a minute! We'd rather you hang us to that tree.

Why, that tree won't be ready for 60 years.

We'll wait.

Make the fat one medium rare.

I gotta get goin', Trigger, but you stick around and make sure they--

This will be a pleasure, Mr. Roden.

So long. Happy hunting, Chief.

Charlie.

Make smoke signals to start the war.

You bet, Pop. Comin' up.

No hanky-panky with that Pawnee chick on the other side of the valley.

You can trust me, Pop. That Pawnee's too scrawny.

Hey, Zsa Zsa, you knittin' or just sittin'?

Get on with the message, bigmouth.

My son, the doctor.

Hey, watch it, Kildare.

Chief, we're wastin' time. Let's get this over with.

Chief, he's the one who's been killing your buffalo.

Now they're trying to stir up a war so they can get rich selling you guns.

Boy, is that ever a pile of--

Lies. Lies.

They spy for paleface enemies.

All our buffalo destroyed.

Now all white men die.

Moe, the horn. The horn.

- Hey, the horn. - Hey, Chief, he's got the magic flute.

I can make the Great Spirit bring your buffalo back.

He speaks the truth, Chief.

He's bullin' ya, Chief. He's bullin' ya.

And he's stallin'. Don't listen to him.

I can. Well, if you turn me loose.

I can't play a flute with my hands tied, can I?

Untie him.

Let me see, what was that?

Did I play a slow pizzicato, or was it a fast obbligato?

I got it.

I don't see buffalo.

Because there ain't no buffalo!

Now let's get on with the burning.

Wait a minute. He was only tuning up.

Now remember that tune. Get some buffalo...

or I'll give you worse than a hotfoot.

- Okay. Give me an A. - A.

Nothing. We're wasting time.

Doctor, light the fire.

- Hey, hey, hey! - Get outta there.

Get away. Go away, you ugly pyromaniac.

I got one more chance. One more chance, Chief.

One more chance, Moe.

Holy cows!

I'm a success! Moe, I'm a success!

Untie them.

I did it! I'm a success!

Make smoke, Charlie. Call off war.

Papa, you're always pickin' on me.

Why don't you send your son, the doctor?

Roger!

My instant photo. I took it before they smashed the camera.

Oh, boy. Wait till the government gets a load of this.

He's gettin' away!

Go get 'im!

The quicker we turn that photo over to the authorities...

the sooner law and order will be restored in the West.

Well, Chief, we gotta get goin' back to Casper.

Hey. It's a long walk back to Casper.

Go ahead and take that chuck wagon we got from the cavalry.

That'll be fine.

Return it to the army, please.

Tell them we took it by mistake.

Thanks, Chief.

- Bye, Chief. - Bye-bye.

- You got a bad bunch of dancers. - So long.

So long, Chief, and this is yours.

I won't need that back in Boston.

No need to worry now, Son.

You said it, "Paparooni".

Why, with that swingin' tooter...

we'll have two buffalo in every teepee.

- Give me an A. -A

- Where do you think you're goin'? - Anyplace the afternoon stage will take me.

No, you're not. Nobody walks out on me, not even Annie Oakley.

Rance. Cabot's got a photo of us selling them rifles to the lndians.

They're probably on their way to town right now.

We've got to intercept them and get that photo, or we're as good as strung up.

- They were all supposed to be dead by now. - They bamboozled their way out.

- We've got to get that photo. - We'll get that photo and them too.

No, you don't. You're not warning anybody.

You're going with me.

Well, as soon as we turn that picture over to the authorities...

we'll be headed back to Boston.

Our work here is finished.

- What about Annie? - Well, I--

- What happened? - Hey, boys!

Get us outta here!

Okay, kid. Get that up here.

Get 'em!

I'll blow that carriage right out from underneath them.

How do you like that? At a time like this, a flat tire.

Look out! Get that gun inside.

It's Trigger and Roden, and they got Annie with them.

- Battle stations! - Battle stations!

- Get your head outta the way! - I'm not the enemy!

- Heavy artillery! - Heavy artillery!

Right on the schnoz.

- Look out now. - Get 'em, Moe.

- What's the matter with you? - Watch what you're doin'.

Why, you--

Why don't you get outta the way!

There you are. Get 'im. Get Trigger.

Whoa.

If we only had a gun to give him cover.

He's liable to get killed out there.

Hey, Moe, the meat grinder.

Get out of there, Annie.

What a whack in the jaw! Come on, boys.

Take it easy. What happened?

All right.

Good boy!

Give 'im an upper shoot!

Here they come, late as usual.

Over there. Go ahead. Right over there. Come on.

Come on! Get over there. Come on. Right there.

Sixth United States Cavalry, sir. At your service.

For a while, Colonel, we thought you were gonna be late.

Sir! Never in the history of motion pictures...

has the United States Cavalry ever been late.

I'll betcha.

Did you hear what he said?

Never mind.

Well, at any rate, there's a couple of prisoners there...

and you'd better not be late with them.

- No, sir. - That'll be all, mustache.

I wish I had a camera.

Boys! You look great. That's the way we like to see you.

- So long, fellas. Be good. - Don't forget what we told ya.

Good-bye, crime! Hello, law and order!

- See ya, Wyatt. - So long, Bat.

So long there, boy. Take care of yourself.

Good-bye,crime. Hello, law and order.

Good-bye, crime. Hello, law and order.

Hey, fellas.

Just like in the big-budget westerns...

we're gonna get to ride off into the sunset.

Sunset, huh? You had to open your big fat mouth.

Come on, fellas. I thought that--

Wait a minute. Wait for me.

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