Original subtitles

-Ready, Kage? -Ready.

Let`s do this.

Fatty.

Check.

-Bean and cheese burrito. -Bean and cheese...

Tenacious sound check initiated.

Engage, Kage!

High-five!

Two, three...

A long-ass fucking time ago In a town called Kickapoo

There lived a humble family Religious through and through

But there was a black sheep And he knew just what to do

His name was Young JB And he refused to step in line

A vision he did see Of fucking rocking all the time

He wrote a tasty jam And all the planets did align

Oh, the dragon`s balls were blazing As I stepped into his cave

Then I sliced his fucking cookies With my long and shiny blade

It was I who fucked the dragon Fucka lye, sing, fucka loo

And if you try to fuck with me Then I shall fuck you too

Gotta get it on In the party zone

I got to shoot a load In the party zone

Gotta lick a toad In the party zone

Gotta suck a choad In the party zone

You disobeyed my orders, son, Why were you ever born?

Your brother`s 10 times better than you Jesus loves him more

This music that you`ve played for us Comes from the depths of hell

Rock & Roll`s the Devil`s work He wants you to rebel

You`ll become a mindiess puppet Beelzebub will pull the strings

Your heart will lose direction And chaos it will bring

You better shut your mouth You better watch your tone

You`re grounded for a week With no telephone

Don`t let me hear you cry Don`t let me hear you moan

You gotta praise the Lord When you`re in my home

Dio, can you hear me? I am lost and so alone

I`m asking for your guidance Won`t you come down from your throne?

I need the tight compadre Who will teach me how to rock

My father thinks you`re evil But, man, he can suck a cock

Rock is not the Devil`s work It`s magical and rad

I`ll never rock as long as I am stuck here with my dad

I hear you brave young Jables You are hungry for the rock

But to learn the ancient methods Secret doors you must unlock

Escape your father`s clutches And this oppressive neighborhood

On a journey you must go To find the land of Hollywood

In the city of fallen angels Where the ocean meets the sand

You will form a strong alliance And the world`s most awesome band

To find your fame and fortune Through the valley you must walk

You will face your inner demons

Now go, my son And rock!

So he balled from fucking Kickapoo With hunger in his heart

And he journeyed far and wide To find the secrets of his art

But in the end he knew That he would find his counterpart

Rock!

Rock!

This place is awesome.

Gold, man.

-Oh, man! -Thank you.

Oh, my God.

OK...

that was the best thing I have ever seen.

-Who are you? -The name`s Kyle Gass.

Kyle Gass.

Dude...

will you just teach me that one thing that you did? Where you`re playing...

I`m not giving free guitar lessons today.

Why don`t you stand over there?

Right here?

You`re awesome.

This next piece is by Johann Sebastian Bach...

And it`s entitled Bourr�e in E Minor.

Check this out, this guy`s insane.

Man, are you guys stupid?

Don`t you know genius when you see it?

Damn!

Anyway...

my name`s JB.

-Just rolled into town. -Would you give me some space?

-You`re kinda cramping my style. -Oh, dude, I`m sorry.

And you`re driving away my crowd.

If you just move back, like I asked you earlier...

I think things are gonna be a lot better.

OK. Fine.

-Sorry. -Thanks.

Can`t you see he`s the man? Let me hear you applaud

He`s more than a man He`s a shining golden god!

If you think it`s time to fucking rock And fucking roll out of control

Well, then you know You`ve got to rock the block

You fucking suck My fucking cock

"Cause when you rule You fucking school

All of the fools Out of theirjewels

"Cause if you think it`s time to If you think it`s time to

If you think It`s time to fucking rock

He is going To kick your fucking ass

And you know His name is Kyle Gass

Rocking and fucking rolling

And fucking rocking And fucking rolling

And fucking...

Yeah!

Dudes!

That was bad-ass.

You guys are like electric dynamite.

What`s the name of your band?

We`re not a band. They call me KG Solo Man Five Thousand...

and I aim to keep it that way.

I`m outta here.

This place is tapped.

Jeez Louise, papa cheese.

I know. It`s OK.

It`s just part of his genius.

Well, I can`t get To sleep tonight

No matter how hard I try

"Cause it`s cold And it`s dark

And the moon Cannot light the way

And Daddy`s gone

I`m just a baby

Well. What do we have here?

My little snuggles.

I spy a stinking, filthy fag!

Sniveling...

like a wee baby!

He does look like a fucking baby.

-Wee baby. -Listen, fellas. I don`t wanna fight.

So if you don`t...

Look at this. What is it? Needs a popping, my brother.

Hey, no. Give me that back. That`s my lucky guitar pick.

That`s my lucky guitar pick.

Hey! Okay!

Let`s go!

That`s right, run. Unless you want some more of this!

You saved me.

That`s all right. They had it coming.

How can I repay you?

We`ll work something out.

This place is futuristic.

Yeah, this is my pad, here. Number four.

Not hard to remember. Just think, "My door is four".

Pretty cool.

Wow. Nice pad.

-You got this place all to yourself? -Yeah.

I try to keep it simple. This is where I stay when I write.

It`s quite minimalist.

I don`t like anything to get in the way of my creative juices.

Cool.

I`m working on my solo album right now.

Yeah, Kyle Gass Project.

It`s got some pretty breakthrough shit on it.

Trying to keep it on the hush-hush, though.

Man, if you need a singer, I am so there.

Check it out.

Ride the tiger!

You can see his stripes But you know he`s clean

It`s a Ronnie James Dio song.

Yeah. I know.

I helped write it. I jam with him all the time.

No way! You do not know Dio!

Sure. I know all the dudes from Sabbath.

Dude?

Is there any way that maybe I could audition to be in the Kyle Gass Project?

Maybe.

You gotta get your chops up, though, if you wanna shred with the big dogs, son.

You got a lot to learn.

Will you teach me your ways?

I will teach you.

Go ahead and sleep on the power couch.

Your training begins tomorrow. At the crack of noon!

It could have been disaster Till the pupil found his master

Something rhymes with master He`s teaching him in the ways of rock

Lesson number one. Power slide.

It`s just slidin" on your knees.

Is it?

Or is it the single most powerful stage move in any rocker`s arsenal?

Gimme a power slide. Full throttle.

No fear.

I`ll give you a power slide.

-How`d that feel? -Really good.

-How did it look? -Amazing...Iy bad.

I`m cleaning this apartment "Cause it`s gonna help me, maybe

Get into The Kyle Gass Project

-Hey, what`s this check for 200 bucks? -Oh, gimme that.

That`s a royalty check.

Why`s it say, "I love you, pumpkin" on it?

Well, it`s the name of a song.

Big hit in Canada.

Get back to work.

Whoa, check out that superfox!

Do you think you can handle a woman like that?

I think so.

Well, you`d better know so...

"cause there`s gonna be ten times hotter ones backstage at the Kyle Gass Project.

Really?

Sex is a crucial component to the Kyle Gass Project.

Now drop and give me one cock push-up.

-What`s a cock push-up? -What`s a cock push-up?

A cock push-up, my friend, is where you lay on your stomach...

and lift yourself off the ground with nothin" but your boner.

No problem.

The cock is a muscle. You gotta learn how to flex it.

From now on, I want you to do one cock push-up a day, every day.

-It hurts my cock. -Keep at it. You never know...

when you`ll need to fuck your way out of a tight situation.

His fingers move With blinding speed

Within my mind He`ll plant the seed

I`m proud to be Amongst his learned flock

He teaches me

Beseeches me

And when I`ve learned All of his lessons

Then I`ll know the ancient secrets Of his rock

I fucking did it!

Oh, I did it!

Hey. Dude, you reached KG.

You know what to do.

Dude, pick up.

Dude, it`s Jables. Pick up, man.

I did it, man. Check it out. You hear that?

The training is working, man. I made ten whole bucks with my rock!

Good. Go score me a dime bag.

A what?

Ten dollars" worth of weed.

Now, Listen. Go down to Wake & Bake Pizza, ask for Jojo.

Tell him you want the Bob Marley extra crispy.

He`ll know what you`re talking about.

All right, dude. Roger that. One extra crispy coming up!

Stone Age Man now have the muscle power and mental power...

necessary to evolve to new heights.

He then found the means to harness an even greater energy source.

The animals and creatures around him.

Animal power would give him the food, and transportation...

the clothing and entertainment needed for his long journey.

Dude, turn it to Channel 1 4. In Search of Sasquatch is on.

When you are able to snatch this remote from my hand...

you will be ready to choose the channels we watch.

Try to snatch it.

-Fuck! -Patience, young grass smoker.

Patience.

Welcome to the gig simulator.

If you pass this test, your training is complete.

You will be ready to audition for the KGP.

-The what? -Kyle Gass Project?

Oh, right, right.

Hold on.

Here`s your pizza. That`ll be 15.50.

Aren`t you the guitar guy from the boardwalk?

Yeah.

-I`m Lee. -Kage.

Wow! You guys puttin" on a concert? Can I watch?

-Half off the pie? -Deal.

Right on. Come on in.

I don`t know if that`s such a good idea, KG.

I`d rather not do this in front of strangers.

What do you think it`s going to be like when we play the Coliseum?

No strangers allowed?

Let the simulation begin.

All right.

So, should I sing a song?

Hey, sing something, douche bag!

You know what? I wanna start offstage and come out...

"cause that`s the way I like, imagine it.

Just come in from the wings.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Kyle Gass Project!

Hey, what`s up? I`m JB from the Kyle Gass Project.

Get on with it, dumb shit.

All right, Kage, let`s do it, man. Two, three.

The Kyle Gass Project Is out of control! All right!

Get off the stage, you stupid dillweed.

He`d turn me to a diamond From a piece of coal

Go back to Kickapoo you fat-ass momma`s boy!

You`re teaching me the secrets Of the pumpkin patch

Hey, that`s right.

-You suck! -You suck! Suck! Suck!

You`re not rocker.

Jesus...

You call that music?

You`re nothing but a mistake. I should have worn a condom.

I was not a mistake.

Power slide.

He`s had enough. Turn it off.

Lights!

Hey, hey, it`s OK.

-I suck! -You don`t suck.

I broke my guitar! Monster mash!

Nobody passes the gig simulator on the first time.

Not even this guy.

You didn`t?

But then you did pass it later?

I passed later, but, you know, took me a couple of tries.

Oh, you did? I was doing...

You know you can do it.

It was going pretty good, until...

until I got to the... When I messed up on that thing.

Let`s clean this place up. What do you say?

And then we`ll do bongloads and play Maximum Overthruster.

-Do some bongloads? -You know what to do.

Hi, pumpkin. It`s your mother. Your father and I have decided...

that 1 5 years of trying to be a famous musician is long enough.

So I`m sorry to say we aren`t going to be sending you any more rent checks.

It`s time to get a real job. I love you, pumpkin.

"I love you, pumpkin"?

Those weren`t royalty checks.

I can`t believe this machine.

Let`s watch TV, you wanna?

You lied to me.

You don`t know Dio.

I think that In Search of Sasquatch is on. Hold on.

-Give me that fucking remote. -No! Leave it!

Who are you?

-Here`s your lunch, pumpkin. -Thanks, Mom.

I love you, pumpkin.

Hey, pumpkin!

What`s with the hat, dude? Your mom sew that for you?

Oh, my God!

Your mom shine that for you when you go to bed? Cue ball!

Science experiment gone wrong!

I`m fucking outta here.

Don`t walk away from me!

I fucking cleaned your apartment, man.

What are you doin"?

Why are you packing?

I have to go back to my mom and dad`s.

I`m broke.

I already spent the last rent check.

Oh, you fucking dick! What`d you spend the money on?

An official professor bullshit degree?

What`d you spend the rent on?

I got that for you.

Stop packing, dude.

We`re gonna pay the rent...

with our rock.

-We are? -Yeah.

But we`re not gonna be called the Kyle Gass Project.

From now on, we will be known as Tenac.

Tenac?

What`s that?

It`s a sign.

A legacy.

I`ve had this birthmark since I was born.

I looked it up in the dictionary.

It`s not in there.

I never knew what the hell it meant.

"Till now.

It`s the name of our fuckin" band, dude.

I have ass-mark too.

You guys!

Look!

They must pay the rent

With their rock

But that`s my life.

All right.

Neil Hamburger, everybody. Neil Hamburger.

Funny stuff.

Uh, the next band asked me to read this.

"Since the beginning of time it was written in the stones...

that one day, a band would come.

Well, that band has come, and now they`re here...

to come again in your ear-pussies".

Ladies and gentlemen, Tenacious D.

That was awesome, the way you read that.

Kage. Kage? Don`t forget to fucking bring the thunder.

We`re Tenacious D and this is our first concert ever, so it`s kinda historical.

And we wrote this song...

that gives you a little taste of the history of the band.

Let`s fucking do it, Kage, go!

This is a song called The History Of Tenacious D.

And it`s not just a list of bullshit that we`ve done in the past.

It`s a chronicling of our rise to power!

We ride with kings on mighty steeds Across the Devil`s plain

We`ve walked with Jesus and his cross He did not die in vain

We`ve run with wolves, we`ve climbed K2 We even stopped a moving train

We`ve traveled through space and time My friends

To rock this house again

-We ride and we ride -We`ll never subside

We`ll ride "till the planets collide

And if you say that we do not ride I`ll tan your fucking hide, hide

-Kyle`s fingers be silver -Jack`s voice then be gold

But last you think we`re vain

We know you`re all robots And we don`t care, Tenacious D

We reign!

We reign supreme, oh God!

Burrito Supreme

And a Chicken supreme

And a Cutlass Supreme

Supreme, yeah

Gonna count one, two, three

Supreme, yeah

Gonna count one, two, three

Supreme

Gonna count one, two, three

Burrito Supreme

And a Chicken supreme

And a Cutlass Supreme

Supreme!

Let`s go!

You guys, wait for me outside. I`m gonna go talk to the big cheese.

Good call.

So? What`d you think?

It was OK.

It was OK? You were OK. We were kick-ass.

And we`re gonna totally win that money next week at the open mic contest.

Well, good luck. You know there`s a lot of stiff competition, so...

you might wanna think about writing some new material.

That was amazing. You guys changed people`s lives tonight.

I know, we were so awesome.

Yeah, it was awesome. Compared to bullshit.

But compared to the greats? To Zeppelin? To the Beatles?

To fucking Beethoven?

True. We were kick-ass.

But if the D`s gonna win that prize money...

we`re gonna have to write a fucking masterpiece!

Are you with me?

Totally.

Power hug.

Masterpiece.

A masterpiece A masterpiece

They`ve got to write a masterpiece To pay the rent

Do it!

All right, no more fucking around.

Masterpiece is right in there.

All we have to do is step into that magic circle...

and the masterpiece is ours.

Are you ready?

Are you ready to write a fucking masterpiece? "Cause I sure the fuck am.

Let`s go!

Go, go, go! Play something. Go fast. The magic only lasts a second.

No, don`t play fast. I said start fast. But keep going, yes.

Try to make it prettier. Prettier, prettier. Prettier.

Stop judging yourself, you`re judging yourself. That`s why that riff sucks.

No fucking mental blocks. Release the... chi...

That`s all right. Now, can you play a little higher, higher, higher up?

Higher notes, higher notes. Higher notes.

Higher notes, higher notes. Higher notes.

Can you play any higher notes? Sorry. I didn`t mean to yell.

I`m not looking for anything specific...

but that`s definitely the wrong part of the cosmos.

I want it over here, in the newer, hotter part.

Molten lava!

That`s the thing, keep playing that riff Because we gotta get it on tonight

What are you doing? Were we recording? Press record. Press record.

No! Don`t stop it, it`s too late!

God damn it, Kyle, we had it.

We were right there in it and you were too slow.

You didn`t remember to do shit, you didn`t do what I told you...

and things got crossed, chakras were fucking exploded.

If we`re gonna do this thing right, you gotta do what I tell you to do!

Do as I said!

I wanna write a masterpiece.

I know, dude. So do I.

It`s all right.

We`ve got writers" block, it happens to the best of "em.

I mean, look at these guys.

AC\DC, Van Halen, The Who!

Why are you guys so awesome?

What do you have that we don`t have?

Well, they all use the same guitar pick.

What?

Looks like they all use the same guitar pick.

Holy shitballs.

Too many picks. Let`s see.

I don`t think they have it.

Let`s talk to the dude. We might have to special order it.

Marcus, I need a price check on Ernie Ball amp caster stat.

Just be a second.

Can I help you, gentlemen?

Yeah. We`re looking for a guitar pick like this one.

How`d you hear about this?

What did Papardello tell you?

We just noticed that all these musicians are using the same guitar pick...

Okay, just...

Jerry, do me a favor...

ring up these amp casters for me. Thank you, my man.

In here.

We can talk in here.

What you seek...

is the Pick...

of Destiny.

I think there`s a light switch back here.

No, dude, you don`t...

Grab a seat.

You two bozos don`t even realize it but...

you just stumbled onto the darkest secret in the history of rock.

Go on.

I actually saw it once.

I used to be a guitar tech.

So one night, I`m working a gig up in New Jersey or something.

Some real mediocre band.

Lead guitarist comes out, starts shredding licks...

way beyond his capabilities.

Like shit that had to be coming from somewhere else.

I noticed he was using a new pick. Weird-looking thing with horns on it.

Made of green ivory, or some shit.

It was the pick, it wasn`t him. He didn`t know what he had, though.

End of the show, he flicks it back into the audience. Some kid catches it.

Kid named Eddie.

Eddie?

Van Halen!

So I started researching it.

Turns out this thing goes deeper than I could have imagined.

Way deeper.

Back to the Dark Ages.

I moved to Rome. Quit my job. Learned Latin.

I gained the trust of the night librarian at the Vatican.

A gentleman named Salvatore Papardello.

He turned me on to some shit that you wouldn`t believe.

Check this out.

It`s an ancient scroll.

All in Latin.

I translated it. Took me six years.

Why didn`t you just get a translator?

And let him read it too?

Listen to this.

Long ago, a dark wizard used his black magic to summon Satan himself.

Satanus. That`s Latin for Satan.

A horrific battle ensued.

But the great demon was far too powerful.

Snakes!

Finish me, foul beast!

Luckily, a blacksmith heard the beast`s roars.

Fuck! You chipped my tooth.

I`m not complete.

What does that mean?

From whence you came you shall remain...

until you are complete again.

Fuck you! No!

No! I`m not complete!

The demon was drawn back into the fires of hell...

and the dark wizard was totally stoked to be alive.

With a long draw on his hash pipe...

the wizard devised a way to repay the blacksmith.

The blacksmith loved a fair maiden. To gain her affection...

he would need a true master skill...

that would leave the maiden moist and wanting.

And so the wizard fashioned the demon`s tooth into a pick...

that would make the blacksmith play...

only the most masterful of melodies on his lute...

thereby winning the heart of the maiden he loved.

The secret of the pick died with that blacksmith.

And then... All of a sudden it reappears...

in the American South, at the turn of the century, in Robert Johnson`s fingers.

Spawns the birth of the blues. And rock & roll.

-Of course. -The pick is a tiny part of the beast...

so it has supranatural qualities.

-Supernatural? -No, supra-natural.

That`s like a whole other level above super.

Where is it now?

That`s the last known photo of the pick.

That guitar was sold at auction.

It now resides in the Rock & Roll History Museum.

That`s where the POD is too.

-The POD? -The Pick of Destiny.

Why didn`t you just go get it?

The Rock & Roll History Museum is an impenetrable fortress.

You two bozos wanna steal the Pick of Destiny...

count me out. I already went down that rabbit hole once.

And I got news for you.

There`s no cheese at the end of that tunnel, buddy.

All right, get outta here. I told you enough already.

C`mon, get outta here.

Man, I don`t know what to say.

Just get outta my store.

The Quest!

Oh, my God! You guys! What are you doin" here? Come on in!

Actually, we can`t stay. We were hoping you`d do us a favor.

Anything you need, man.

-Do you think it would be OK... -We need your car.

Well, kinda need it for work.

Listen, man. We`ve got a meeting with the hugest president...

of the most massive record company in the business.

We need to meet him in Sacramento tonight.

Well... All right.

Hey, what`s up with this pedal?

That`s my extra brake. I`m a pizza delivery guy and a driving instructor.

I teach people how to drive while I deliver pizzas.

Good thinkin", man.

Later.

Knock "em dead at the meeting, you guys.

I can`t stop thinkin" about that fuckin" pick.

You heard the guy. It`s Satan`s tooth.

When we get that thing, we`re gonna win that fuckin" prize money...

then we`re gonna dominate the world of rock.

We`re gonna be unstoppable, man.

Unstoppable.

Unstoppable.

Unstoppable.

This next band asked me not to read this...

but, God damn it, I`m going to read it anyway...

because I wrote it and it`s the truth.

"I fucking love this band!"

They are the best band ever, period!

Ladies and gentlemen...

Tenacious D!

Hey, what`s up? Me and KG wrote this song five minutes ago.

It`s called Master Exploder.

I do not need

-He does not need -A microphone

-A microphone -My voice is fucking

-Fucking -Powerful

I love you.

Sorry.

-I did not mean -He did not mean

-To blow your mind -To blow your mind

But that shit happens to me

All the time

Now, take a look

-Take a look -Tell me what you see

-What you see -We got the Pick

Of Destiny

JB! JB! JB! JB!

JB! JB! JB! JB! JB!

JB, wake up. JB, wake up!

Let`s chow down, dude. I`m starving.

OK.

You guys know what you want?

What do you recommend?

I recommend that you order some food.

OK.

Lemme have the fried chicken...

and a steak...

and the chicken-fried steak.

Hello.

What happened to your eye?

I burned it with a curling iron.

I`ll have one small glass of carrot juice.

-Yeah, we don`t have that here. -Then I will have nothing.

Great.

-Dude, what`s the matter? -Dude?

Aren`t you hungry?

-You should eat somethin". -No. I never eat before a mission.

It slows you down.

I gotta be light on my feet like a dancer.

Like a fuckin" ninja, dude.

Now check this out. I`m gonna jump this fence here, OK? Like a gazelle.

Then you come around that fuckin" bend.

God! Damn it, Kyle!

If we`re gonna do this, you gotta stay focused.

Eye of The Tigre!

Now check it out. You give me a fuckin" boost, He-Man style.

And then we`re gonna fuckin" do a little mini-tiger roll...

And come on back. I fuckin" pull your shit up.

Dude, hold on. That`s good stuff.

Fuckin" dick squeezer.

Buddy.

So...

what brings you to this neck of the woods?

We`re just on a little business trip.

Are you going to check out the Rock & Roll History Museum?

The Rock & Roll what?

-History Museum. -Oh, no.

I don`t even know what you`re talkin" about.

You just seem like Rock & Roll types to me.

Yeah, well, we`re not. We`re just two fuckin" businessmen...

on our way to see some shit in Sacramento. So, sorry.

I was just asking because I noticed...

the guitars in the back seat of your car.

Well, I said we`re fuckin" businessmen. We sell guitars.

So what? Big deal. End of story. Check, please!

Sure you aren`t planning on breaking into the Rock & Roll History Museum?

Hey, gimme that back, man!

Yeah, my buddy and I are in a band.

I don`t like to say the name, but we had some hits...

and so they`re inductin" us into the Rock & Roll History Museum.

No way!

-Way. -Oh, my God.

We`re sitting with someone famous?

We`re just regular guys. I mean, we`re just flesh and bone.

Let`s just say you are planning on breaking into...

the Rock & Roll History Museum.

Maybe you are inexperienced and you get inside and cry like little girl.

Maybe you don`t have what it takes to get the job done.

"Scuse me.

Damn. God.

I was thinking...

maybe there was something in that museum...

you had a desire for.

Maybe...

Pick of Destiny!

Our sorority is throwing a huge bash tonight.

You guys should totally come and play some of your songs at the party.

We`re just getting ready to head over there right now.

Why don`t you follow us over?

You know what? That sounds rad.

We don`t usually play private parties but...

I think we can make some dreams come true tonight.

I`ll ride along with you. So you don`t get lost.

I tried to get the Pick of Destiny once.

I had it in my hands, too.

But I was caught. Set off a laser.

Security door came down on my leg. Cut it right off.

I would break in again if I still had my leg.

My leg.

Oh, man. I miss that sweet-ass leg of mine.

Why are you telling me this?

I like you.

I see the spark in your eye that I once had.

Let me show you something.

These are my plans. They will help you, I promise.

There are two air ducts on the roof. You must enter through there.

Speak of this to no one!

Wait.

Wait, I have some questions.

Let me wipe.

Hold up, dude.

Dude. I got some smokin" bettys over there...

and they want us to play a gig.

No. I just had the weirdest conversation of my life.

This guy just gave me the perfect plan.

Now, look.

There`s two air ducts on the roof.

Dude. The party?

Gettin" to play our own tunes? That blonde over there...

wants to ride my wrinklestick, yo.

Would you get your head out of the fuckin" pussy-clouds, man?

Who cares about these chicks?

There`s gonna be ten times hotter babes backstage...

when we win album of the year.

This pick is our ticket to genius.

Dude. I can`t believe you`d pass by a gig opportunity...

with some sweet-ass hotties. What, for this?

Is this really that important to you? Huh?

We can still write a masterpiece and win that dough.

Maybe it would be better for the D if we worked on our songwriting...

instead of relying on ancient bullshit, but...

probably won`t work anyway.

What`s it gonna be, Kyle? You have to decide.

Tits or destiny?

Tits.

So, good luck, buddy.

I hope it was worth it, because we`re done.

You ruined it. Pick`s mine. Fuck you.

I don`t fuckin" need you. Later...

cock-ass!

Don`t mind him.

He`s my butler.

Had to let him go for loafin". He`ll be fine.

Excuse me, are you gonna charge us for all the refills?

No, you`re so pretty, you get everything for free.

Well, that`s a really good deal.

Why?

It`s just a five-mille walk. I can walk that.

I don`t need a car. I`ll take the fuckin" shoelace express.

Fuck you!

Where we goin"?

Stop. Stop the music.

Everybody, we have got a special surprise tonight.

We have brought with us...

someone who just happens to be a rock star!

That`s in town to be conducted...

into the Rock & Roll History Museum.

And he promised to come here tonight and play us a few of his hits.

So let`s give it up!

I don`t have a guitar. I don`t have a guitar.

This is a song...

I wrote with my partner.

My former partner.

And it`s called The History Of Tenacious D.

Across the Devil`s plain

He did not die in vain No

That sucked.

One more and that`s it.

It`s a good thing I found these mushrooms. I was fucking starving.

This place is kinda...

juicy.

Oh, my God! Sasquatch!

Jables! What`s up?

What are you doin" out here?

I was just walkin" in your beautiful forest.

It`s not my forest, brother. It`s everyone`s.

You`re so fuckin" awesome. I love you!

I love you too, JB. You`re a awesome rocker.

Let`s play!

That`s good. Let`s go on a adventure.

I got lots to show you.

Can I be a Sasquatch too?

You already are.

You`re my son, JB.

My riddle baby Sass.

Let`s take a dip in the strawberry river!

Come on!

Good times.

-This is fun. -Good times.

This is super fun!

Daddy, look. Look. It`s stuck to my butt.

Shake your tushie, it`ll fall off.

Let`s get rid of these.

Time to fly.

We`re flying!

-We`re flying! -Hold on, boy!

Found where the Sasquatch hide In the misty mountainside

He`s got shiny diamonds That he`s got to protect

Look into the Sasquatch eye Then you know that Sass can fly

Sasquatch is my daddy And he`s going to protect me

Half man and half machine On the cover of a magazine

Bigfoot is my father And he`s got to protect me

These lyrics don`t make sense Think I`ve found the evidence

That yeti is my papa And he wants to protect

Me

Do you know where I can find the Pick of Destiny?

Sure! It`s right over there!

Let`s get it! I can get it if I surf on your...

Sweet baby!

Oh, God!

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Where the fuck am I?

Yeah, you motherfucker. I`m gonna get that son...

Dude, I totally miss you

I really fuckin" miss you

I`m all alone all the time All the time

Dude, I totally miss you

The things we did together

Where have you gone?

Totally miss the honesty And special times

And honestly

I totally miss The fucked up thing you do

Dude, I totally miss you

I totally miss you

Dude, I totally miss you All the time

Did you see that?

-Dude, I totally miss you -That was awesome.

I totally miss you

Dude, I totally miss you All the time

All the time

The mission is clear I`m goin" over there

I`m goin" to do the mission

I`m going to flip around the corner Flat as a pancake

And then I... Oh, no, the camera!

Stay back here, devise a plan Dive into the bushes

Against all odds

Infiltrate Storm the gate

Storm the gate Ninja style, Samurai

Metal pole Climb that shit

Climb into that motherfucker

Now I`m climbin" up Up on a roof

I`ve got catlike reflexes

-I elbow him. -One guy?

He`s tryin" to punch me in the neck.

I look down and there`s two guys goin", "We`re gonna punch you."

So they`re punchin" up at me. I got both elbows down like this.

Pull both their hair, and I made them both poke each other`s eyes out.

So they`re both blind, there`s blood everywhere.

Against all odds

Infiltrate Storm the gate

Two air vents on the roof

That`s what the guy was talkin"

-Fuck! -Electric eye

Infiltrate Storm the gate

Storm the gate

Storm the gate

God damn it!

God!

That was KG`s fault.

If he`d been here like we planned, he coulda lowered me down with a rope...

but dick-ass had to follow his cock.

And you know when I go quadruple plat he`ll come knockin"...

"Dude, can I come back and join the band now?"

And I`ll be like, "No way, cockshiner."

And then he`ll be like, Can you hear me?

Oh, yeah. I hear you loud and clear. You`re sayin" who`s before bro`s.

Well, that`s not how I roll, asshole.

JB, it`s KG. Do you read me?

What do you want, non-rocker?

This line is reserved for rockers only, so I can`t really talk to you right now.

Sex, drugs, and then rock & roll.

In that order. I was just followin" the code.

You`re a fuckin" traitor. You balled on me and now I`m in the shit.

Where the fuck are you?

I`m in the air duct, dude.

Dude...

I totally missed you.

Me too.

I just heard a noise. I am trippin".

Are you stoned?

Listen.

I just heard a noise.

-I`m gonna go check it out. -Copy that.

Classic Rock is clear. I`m gonna go check out Punk.

And if I find anybody in there...

I`m gonna pop a fuckin" cap in their ass. I`m gonna call it self-defense.

Hello?

I`m on my own.

Dude, you heard that guy. He`s gonna shoot us. Let`s ball.

No. We`re too close.

That pick is in one of these rooms and we`re not leavin" here without it.

Dude, look at this place. It`s huge. We`re never gonna find this thing.

Follow me. We are the shadows. They`ll never find what cannot be seen.

Get down.

Center.

Picks, picks. Where do they keep their fuckin" picks?

-It`s gotta be in the Guitar Gods room. -Where`s that?

It`s right here. At the top of Guitarway to Heaven.

There it is.

Fuck-a-luck-a-ding-dong.

-Let`s go get it. -No!

Lasers. They`ll slice you to pieces.

Sizzlelean.

You stay here and keep a lookout.

What are you gonna do?

I`m goin" in there and gettin" that pick.

Danger

Laser

Tetris

Impossible

Be careful.

Q-Bert

Frogger

Dig Dug

Marble Madness

Centipede

Millipede Tenacious

You got it.

Impossible Impossible

I can`t...

reach... pick.

Surrounded by lasers.

Focus, Jables.

Use all your mental powers.

Wait. There`s a button down here.

I think it might deactivate the lasers.

But I can`t reach it.

The cock.

Use the cock.

Come on, helmet head.

Get it up.

Go!

Come to Papa.

Let`s finish this.

Fuck.

I can`t reach it. I can`t reach it.

Hold on!

That`s it, that`s it.

I got it! I got it!

Halt!

Stop! Police!

Power slide!

Oh, damn!

Why?

-That was awesome. -I know.

I`ve never fired a gun before, it was unbelievable.

Oh, God! Oh!

Hold up!

-We got it! -Yeah. Let`s get the fuck outta here.

Nice work, boys. Now...

toss that pick over here, nice and slow.

Or I will cut you from hole to hole.

Then you might as well kill us, man.

"Cause there is no way in hell we`re givin" you this fuckin" pick.

OK. So be it.

Come over here.

I`m going to fucking stab you.

What?

No. We`re not comin" over there.

Fine. Stay where you are, then.

I`m going to come over there.

I am going to slice out your eyes and your balls.

And then I am going to stick your eyes in your ballsacks...

and then I will take your balls and I will put them in your eyeholes!

-Dude, we could totally outrun him. -Totally, let`s bail.

No, wait! Come back here!

Come back with my pick!

It belongs to me!

Freeze!

Catch me if you can.

Kings!

Fifty miles to Los Angeles. We did it!

I know. I`m surprised no one even chased us. We got away scot-free.

-You fuckin" rule. -No. You fuckin" rule.

Yeah, but I couldn`t have done it without your training.

Dude, let`s see the pick.

-Oh, shit. -Dude, you got it, right?

Yes!

Look at how awesome it is! Now we have the power.

We shall carry on its ancient legacy.

Dude, we are gonna smoke the competition at the open mic night tonight.

-That money is ours! -Totally.

Yeah, I got some fellas with a broken tail light.

Oh, fuck. It`s the cops. Pull over. Pull over. It`s cool.

All right.

Just play it cool. Okay?

They got nothin" on us. Let`s just be mellow, OK?

What`re you doing? No! What the fuck are you doing?

This is Officer Mackenzie, I need backup.

Assailants turning south down Lexington Avenue.

-I`m in pursuit. -Oh, God damn it, Kyle!

Car chase city That`s the name of the game

It was all groovy Now it`s totally lame

KG really fuckin" Blew a synapse

Now we`re fuckin" headed For a total collapse

Car chase city Run away from the fuzz

Thought that we wasn`t But we totally was

Car chase city, now we`re off the map Car chase city, now we`re takin" a crap

Now it`s gettin" hairy, So we`re changin" the key

Never underestimate The power of D

KG fuckin`put his foot On the gas

If I go to prison I hide the pick in my ass

Fuck this shit, it`s gone too far Kage, pull over, let me out of the car

The car is severely damaged. The perpetrators appear to be...

two heavyset males driving a blue Cutlass Supreme.

Car chase city, now we`re takin" the lane KG blew it now we`re goin" insane

Let`s rock, let`s roll, Let me try to fill up your...

Let`s go now to Mark in Skycop...

God damn it!

Yeah?

Hey, you guys!

-Fuck! -It`s Lee. I`m just checkin" in.

-Is everything OK? -Yeah, we`re cool. We`re super cool.

Where are you guys?

We`re at the drive-in. We`re watching this bitchin" movie.

It`s Cop Chase 3. Have you seen it?

No. I haven`t seen that one.

Sounds scary, though.

Yeah. It`s really fucking scary. I`m shaking right now, I`m so scared.

Cool. How was that big power meeting you guys had?

Awesome. I`ll tell you about it later. You`re makin" us miss the movie.

I think I lost them!

God!

Gas!

Brakes!

Spinnin" donuts, Spinnin" donuts, go!

I can do this.

Flip, flip!

Gas!

Nitro!

Go!

We`re gonna need paramedics and fire trucks. These guys are toast.

Let`s get the fuck outta here.

Let`s go.

Uh, which way, which way?

That way! That way!

This is it, I think.

Let" me sneak a peak.

This is it.

C`mon.

Let`s do this.

Guys, you`re runnin" a little late. There`s one spot left.

You got any new material?

What we got`s gonna turn your brain into shit.

Dust off the stage, open mic, host.

Step aside.

OK, big shots. You`re up whenever you`re ready.

Let`s blister this asshole.

Jack, wait!

-You got the pick? -Yeah. Got it right here. Let`s go.

Maybe I should use it tonight and you use it next time.

I should use it tonight. I`m the lead singer.

It`s a guitar pick. I`m lead guitar.

OK, dude, don`t freak out on me. Let`s just work this out rationally, OK?

We`ll take turns with it. I`ll use it now, you`ll use it later.

I`m not freakin" out, you`re freakin" out.

Now, just let me hold it for one second!

You`re never gonna use this fuckin" pick.

You guys, the crowd`s gettin" restless in there.

What`s goin" on?

What`s wrong?

We can`t go on.

We had the demon`s pick...

but then we broke it, and now our masterpiece will never happen.

We can`t pay the rent because we won`t be fueled by Satan.

Come on, come on. Get up, come on. You`re all right.

You guys...

having some satanic guitar pick isn`t gonna make your rock any better...

because Satan`s not in a guitar pick, he`s inside all of us.

He`s in here. In your hearts.

He`s what makes us not want to go to work, exercise...

or tell the truth.

He`s what makes us want to party...

and have sex with each other all night long.

He`s that little voice in your mind that says, "Fuck you" to the people you hate.

Now, you can stay out here and fight on the ground, and cry like babies.

Or you can go in there like friends...

and rock.

So, what`s it gonna be?

Let`s go in there and show "em what Tenacious D is all about.

Yeah. I already got a guitar pick anyways.

C`mon. Dude, we can still use the pick. You use one half, I`ll use the other.

There`s still some juice in there, probably. You know what I mean?

Where is that...?

I am complete

Fuck!

Yes, you are fucked

Shit out of luck

Now I`m complete And my cock you will suck

This world will be mine And you`re first in line

You brought me the pick And now you shall both die

Wait, wait

Wait, you motherfucker

We challenge you To a rock-off

Give us one chance To rock your socks off

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck!

The demon code prevents me

From declining A rock-off challenge

What are your terms?

What`s the catch?

If we win

you must take your sorry ass Back to hell

And also you will have To pay our rent

And what if I win?

Then you can take Kage Back to Hell

What?

Trust me, Kage. It`s the only way.

What are you talking about?

To be your little bitch

Fine!

Let the rock-off begin!

I`m the Devil I love metal

Check this riff It`s fucking tasty

I`m the Devil I can do what I want

Whatever I`ve got I`m gonna flaunt

There`s never been a rock-off That I`ve ever lost

I can`t wait To take Kage back to hell

I`m gonna fill him With my hot demon`s gel

I`ll make you squeal Like the Scarlet Pimpernel

No!

Come on, Kage! Let`s fight his music with our music.

There`s just no way That we can win

That was a masterpiece

-Listen to me. -He rocks too hard

Because he`s not a mortal man

God damn it, Kage.

He gonna make you his sex slave You gonna gargle mayonnaise

Unless we bust A massive monster mamojam

Dude, we`ve been Through so much shit

Deactivated lasers With my dick

Now it`s time To blow this fucker down

Come on, Kage Now it`s time to blow doors down

I hear ya, Jables, Now it`s time to blow doors down

Light up the stage "Cause it`s time for a showdown

We`ll bend you over Then we`ll take ya to brown town

Now we`ve got to blow This fucker down

He`s gonna rape me If we do not blow doors down

C`mon, Kage "Cause it`s time to blow doors down

We`ll pile-drive ya It`s time for the smack down

Hey, Antichrist Beelzeboss

We know your weakness Our rock it sauce

We rock the Casbah And blow your mind

We will defeat you For all mankind

You hold the scepter We hold the key

You are the Devil We are the D

We are the D, we are the D We are the D, we are the D

We are the D, we are the D, We are the D, we are the D

You guys are fuckin" lame! C`mon, Kage, you`re comin" with me.

Taste my lightning, fucker.

No!

Fuck!

My fuckin" horn!

Oh, no!

From where you came You shall remain

Until you are complete again!

No!

Fuck you, Kage!

And fuck you, Jables.

I`ll get you, Tenacious D!

We did it, dude. We beat the Devil.

With our rock.

So good.

Man, that was a monster jam that we played.

It was like, the greatest song in the world.

It was, wasn`t it?

How did it go?

-I can`t remember. -Fuck. I can`t either.

You know what? Let`s just lay down a fresh, tasty jam.

Good idea, Rage Kage.

Bust out the BOD.

-What? -The Bong of Destiny.

Good call.

Take it to the head, bitch.

Draws like a pencil.

Press record.

Now let`s rock it.

One, two, three.

"Cause it`s the Pick of Destiny Child

You know we will be rockin" "Cause it`s fuckin" insane

It`s just the Pick of Destiny Child

More precious than a diamond On a platinum chain

In Venice Beach There was a man named Kage

When he was buskin" He was all the rage

He met Jables And he taught him well

All the techniques That were developed in Hell

Cock push-ups And the power slide

Gig simulation Now there`s nowhere to hide

They formed a band They named Tenacious D

And then they got The Pick of Destiny

"Cause it`s the Pick of Destiny Child

You know we will be rockin" "Cause it`s fuckin" insane

It`s just the Pick of Destiny Child

Our tasty grooves are better Than a chicken chow mein

"Cause he who is sleazy Is easy to pleasey

And she who is juicy Must be loosey-goosey

And he who is groovy Will be in my movie

So come on

The wizard and the demon Had a battle royal

The demon almost killed him With an evil kapow

But then it broke his tooth And thus the demon said, "Ow!"

"Cause it`s the Pick of Destiny Child

You know we will be rockin" "cause it`s fuckin" insane

It`s just the Pick of Destiny Child

You know our movie`s better Than Citizen Kane

"Cause he who`s a geezer Must live in my freezer

And she who is snarky Is full of malarkey

And he who is groovy Must be in my movie

So come on!

Oh, "cause if you`re a diva Then go to Geneva

And if you`re a crony Then suck on my boney

And if you are groovy Then get in my movie

It`s called the Pick of Destiny

The Pick of Destiny

All right, man.

This is it.

Don`t make a sound unless it`s a masterpiece.

Not a fuckin" sound.

Wait. How will I know if it`s a masterpiece?

You`ll feel it. And if you feel it, just fuckin" lay it on me.

Thought I felt somethin".

Let`s hear that back.