Original subtitles

for Yael & Sarah

Spring 1986

Hi Jacques.

The special?

Please. I'm starving.

Red wine with that?

Are you crazy? Not on duty!

Just give me a beer.

Beer it is…

Jacques! Cancel the special, put the beer on my tab.

Fine.

Ruben!

Charged him for the paper?

What paper?

Ruben!

What is it?

I'm busy here, Vanuxem.

We're dead! Look, it's done!

FAREWELL TO CUSTOMS

In 7 years, it's all over!

No!

7 YEARS LATER

HAPPY NEW YEAR 1993

Nothing To Declare

Hands up, you bastard!

On the ground! Now, asshole!

Don't shoot, please don't!

Ruben?

Sleeping on duty, lazy prick!

Are you sick? I almost had a heart attack!

You were sleeping on duty, Vanuxem!

I must make a report to Willems.

-1 wasn't sleeping. - You were.

I wasn't.

What were you doing?

Thinking.

Eyes closed, mouth open and saliva dripping? Thinking?!

I was deep in thought.

You deeply think I'm an idiot, Vanuxem!

Nobody but you comes at this hour.

Why do you come then?

Stay home.

It's 5 AM, I slept 2 minutes. Nobody died!

Want some coffee?

Nobody died?

Nobody died?!

Come with me.

What do you see?

- The road. - No, that. What is it?

Right there.

A yellow painted line.

No, it's not just a yellow painted line.

That is the place where patriots,

those who wrote our nation's history,

left their tears, their blood

their lives for our land.

That's why there is a "yellow painted line, "

as you call it.

Never forget they laid down body and soul,

demonstrating loyalty,

power,

and resolve

in turning away multiple invasion attempts

by Barbarians!

Frogs among them.

To prevent pillage of our crops,

raping of our homes and burning of our wives!

Vice versa.

Right here. Right here, do you hear?

That they stopped them.

Making this non-descript place

into the sacred land of the Belgian Kingdom.

So you see,

this yellow line is important. Because it is here that they fell.

Brave, head held high.

Sorry to contradict you, Vanuxem.

But yes, somebody died.

A whole bunch of somebodies!

I apologize. Maybe I misspoke. I'm sorry.

But look at you. You've been so tense recently, really.

Apology accepted.

Round up the brigade. Operation Uppercut.

- Right now? - Yes, now!

- Me included? -Yes.

I was on duty all night!

Considering the length of that saliva stain,

I'd say you've had enough rest.

Operation Uppercut!

Let's go, let's go!

Five blocks in 30 minutes!

Stay calm, sir.

- Aren't the borders open? - No, Jan. 1. Our last licks.

- Some of us work for a living! - Yeah, right.

Pull over there.

What is this mess, Bakari?

Vandevoorde again, boss.

Busting our balls to the bitter end.

Where are the others?

- Union meeting. - Again?!

We have to strike. A massive strike!

All those in favor?

But Greg, there's only 4 of us. 5 with the boss, but he won't strike.

Mathias, you in for the strike?

Sure. I'll just finish this up first.

Thanks, guys. We'll hit them hard this time.

What exactly will we do?

We block the border.

Halt all traffic.

Wait. If we halt traffic, we're working.

That's a customs officer's job.

Then we'll let all vehicles through.

But if we let all vehicles through,

aren't we agreeing to open borders?

Yeah.

Kiss my ass, both of you.

Greg, don't take it like that.

Morning, sir.

Meeting over, get out there and help Bakari. She's swamped.

What are you doing, Ducatel?

Installing the new IT system.

The who?

The IT system.

It came Friday. You're among the first users. Fantastic.

The computer revolution is upon us.

This crap is enormous. Can't even see my desk!

Where's my typewriter?

No need for it!

Thanks to this computer, and its word processing program,

linked by this cable

to a printer, which is also computerized.

This better not be a trick to swipe my carbon paper.

No, I threw your carbon paper out.

You did what?

You don't need it anymore.

Look at this.

I type a report,

or a summons.

I click "Print".

You know how many years it takes to get one supply of carbon paper?

Look! Look!

What is this bullshit?

It's just an interface problem.

Incredible! "Paper Jam"! It actually says what's wrong!

Ducatel, take your TV and your air conditioner

and put it back the way it was.

It's the future.

My future is my typewriter and carbon paper.

The end of customs is enough. Don't change it all at once!

Whatever you say.

Since you're so joyous, tell Vandevoorde to cool it or I'll call Willems.

Not Vandevoorde.

That's an order! Now.

Darling, how are you?

I told my boss I missed you, he said,

"Isn't this your first anniversary?"

"So why don't you go kiss her?" And here I am.

The real reason?

I have to tell your brother to relax. He caused this jam.

Try to be nice.

Shouldn't he be nice to me?

Don't provoke him.

Let's go together, hand in hand. He'll kill us both.

So romantic, a dying embrace!

Got a message for my "brother-in-law"?

There he is!

Damn Louise, you scared me!

So I'll take an assortment… about a half pound?

A little of each.

Put it aside for me?

See you soon.

The price is ridiculous!

Half what we paid 8 years ago!

Best offer in months, Mrs. Anus.

Janus! With a "J".

You sold it to us! Why not to someone else?

This is a gold mine.

It was, Mr. Janus.

As of January 1st, who will stop at the border shops? Who?

Fine. We'll work this out ourselves.

We'll toast you at closing and your 5%!

- Don't be like that. - Enough!

You've wasted enough of our time.

Now what do we do?

We sell to a sucker. One who hasn't heard of the euro zone.

Somebody like you.

Who doesn't read the papers, who watches TV, but doesn't understand.

And believe me, that big a dope won't be easy to find.

Vanuxem,

search this.

What?

Hello, first of all.

I'm from a neighboring country.

Apparently our traffic jam

originated in your country. Am I mistaken?

You have no business here, in uniform at that!

My boss is calling yours if you keep making trouble.

Threatening me?

No, I'm letting you know.

Move it out.

Ruben Vandevoorde, damn!

Can't we be frank, no hostility or waffling?

One more Belgian joke I'll take you apart.

I didn't make any jokes.

Waffle, waffle!

I wasn't making fun of Belgians!

Now I am! I don't waffle when I make fun!

I wasn't making fun before, for waffle's sakes!

You cheese-eaters think you're superior?

We are.

I'm just kidding. Ruben, relax.

I think I better go.

Go back to your country.

What did he want?

When I think this border will be leaking frogs soon, it disgusts me.

I'm not so worried about the French. But those drug smugglers.

Oh yeah? They're often one and the same.

Shouldn't we make 2 trips, Mr. Duval?

It's a lot.

My last big score before New Year's.

Afterward, who knows?

Customs will be mobile.

Exactly the problem.

Hey Tiburce,

your man… is he dependable?

I can't afford a fuck-up.

Hammer? He's a heavy hitter. How he got his name.

Prime quality ex-con.

Right, Hammer?

Let's review.

You get to customs, now what?

I put the light on, cross the border slowly.

If they stop you?

I give them ID, explain I have an emergency.

I'm in a rush,

it's life and death.

And?

That's all.

No, meathead.

The most important thing. Look innocent.

Right, sorry Mr. Duval.

I look innocent.

- Show me. -What?

Make an innocent face.

There.

Innocent? That's retarded!

Sorry, Mr. Duval.

I don't know how to look innocent.

Even as a boy I was guilty. I've always been guilty.

OK, you have to be both cool… and tense.

- Cool, but tense. - Not too cool!

Or they feel your guilt.

And not too tense! Or they feel your guilt.

Got it?

Look at me.

Like this.

Right, that's good.

Like this.

Don't get stopped. You're better off.

What the hell are you doing?

What?

Where's the "U"?

What "U"?

The "U"!

Where, what "U"?

Hammer, you can read, right?

Then where is the "U" in "ambulance, " dickhead?!

A "U" in ambiance?

Hang on. Say that again?

Ambiance.

Ambiance. That's what I'm got to do.

"What I'm got to do. "

The Hammer.

Am-BU-lance!

Bu!

There's a "bu" there!

Yeah, a "bu"?

No, two of them.

Ambu-bulance?

Come closer.

There!

The "U"!

Give me the "U"! the "U" in "ambulance"!

Fuck!

Yeah, a heavy hitter!

Don't tell Mom I took you along.

It's our secret.

Just you… and Daddy. Right?

Why are we moving the signs?

See my boy,

they're not just any signs.

These signs…

define the borders

between countries.

Here, look.

- What country am I in? - Belgium?

- Which is? - The best country ever.

- Now where am I? - France.

France is the land of.. ?

Of total morons!

Leo,

now where's Daddy?

In Belgium?

Belgium! You got it! It's not complicated.

We're making Belgium bigger. This is awesome.

No, Leo.

We're taking what's ours. That's different.

A long time ago,

the great Kingdom of Belgium extended

150 miles, all the way to Reims.

Remind me when that was.

Third century. It was called Belgica Secunda.

Good boy, Leopold.

Why is that your name?

For Leopold the first, king of Belgium.

June 26, 1841.

No, 1831.

Sorry, Dad.

That's OK.

Tell me,

what idiotic mistake did King Leopold make?

He married a French woman. Louis-Philippe's daughter.

Another French moron.

Exactly.

I'm impressed.

You're your father's son.

And the sky?

Is it Belgian or French?

The sky is Belgian.

Everything above Belgium belongs to Belgium.

Borders go all the way up.

Those stars… are they Belgian?

Of course they are.

But Dad, the earth turns.

So those stars there go to France and become French.

No. Stars travel abroad but they don't like it there.

So they turn around the earth all day

and return to Belgium at night, to sleep.

What?

I'm putting the moon inside.

So it can sleep at home.

No one knows the future,

but your dad will always be there for you.

Lord,

make sure Belgium

remains independent and sovereign, regardless,

and that Europe is never unified. Never!

Sorry.

Also protect my whole family. Please, amen.

Oh yeah.

Lord, I beg you,

help my sister to finally find a husband.

A nice Belgian, one of us.

What a 1-year anniversary.

You realize? Our 1st time out in public.

- I'm so happy. - Me, too.

Wait here. I'll check inside.

If I'm not back in 5, come in.

Check what?

- That the coast is clear. - Mathias!

5 mins.

Mathias!

- Evening, sir. -Yes?

Ducatel.

This way.

Mathias Ducatel!

Jacques.

We had the same idea.

How are you?

Relax, don't tell my wife you saw me, I'll be discreet.

That's nice of you.

No, it's only natural. Works both ways.

- Got another table? - You wanted romantic.

Here. This one's more romantic.

So you're alone?

Leave that. I didn't want romantic by myself!

There she is.

What are you doing?

Let's use 2 tables, in case you meet someone.

Stop, Louise. Come sit here.

Here are the menus. Figure it out,

then call me.

What courage. I'm impressed.

Sorry I left you in the car. That was stupid.

You do things halfway.

You can't own up.

I'm owning up now.

Really? Prove it.

Darling, what is this?

Louise Vandevoorde, will you be mine forever?

Oh my God.

- Tying your shoelace? - No.

Well?

- Asked my father? - No.

- My brother? - No!

- So what do we do? - We elope.

It's my family.

You can't let your family decide.

That's not it.

- What is it? -1 won't run from my family.

I'll talk to your father.

Now, is it yes or no?

Come on.

Yes, about…

-1 love you. -1 love you, too.

Won't Ruben Vandevoorde be thrilled?

What's going on?

- A noise. - What now?

- Someone's there! -What?

A Frenchman!

You heard a noise. Not a Frenchman, a noise.

A French noise.

Ruben, you'll wake Leopold! Come back to bed!

Not hungry?

We'll go eat when no one's entering Belgium.

Excuse me.

Could I cut through?

I'll just get gas and go back.

Do we Belgians come to France for French gas?

No, because it costs more.

More than in Belgium?

Of course.

What, of course?

Your gas is better than ours, that it?

Not at all. We have more taxes. That's why yours is cheaper.

If our Belgian gas is cheaper in Belgium,

it's because it's for us.

Scram.

Hey, you have no right to talk to me like that.

I have every right to quell a frog invasion of my country.

Scram, about face!

I'm not invading Belgium. I just want gas.

He touched me!

Freeze! Vanuxem!

Freeze!

Assaulting a customs officer on duty.

Vanuxem, cuff him!

You're going to get it.

Like asphalt?

Excuse me, can we go?

One second.

We're a long way from lunch.

Let's see what's inside.

Head up.

Somebody's home.

What's in our little bag?

Let's go.

Not the briefs, no.

No, I'm begging you.

Ruben.

It might be the handcuffs.

Really? Think so?

Yeah, hey.

Incredible.

See that?

Good piece of equipment. Is it Belgian?

No, Chinese.

Chief Willems!

All done.

You can go, you're free.

Vandevoorde!

Is that monster traffic jam your doing?

Traffic jam? Where?

What did he do?

Him? He's suspicious.

What's suspicious about him?

Chief.

He's in his underpants.

What?! He told me to get undressed!

Me? No way.

Vandevoorde, what did this man do to deserve this treatment?

He's French?

No, I don't think so.

Yes, I'm French.

I didn't know.

Pleasure.

Enough! In my office.

Sorry.

A few weeks from the new Europe, your anti-French zeal is misplaced.

Anti-French? Me?

No, I love France.

Many don't agree.

You better tone it down. You have a terrible rep.

How could it be? I'm the most francophile Belgian.

Francophile now?

Yes, France is a nice country.

I'm glad to hear it.

Because I selected you for a test mobile unit. Mixed.

Male-female?

Franco-Belgian.

What a beautiful idea. Beautiful.

But not me.

I couldn't. No, I'm not capable.

Anything but that. Please, no.

Watch your step and don't make trouble.

Then maybe I'll pick someone else.

- To the future Paris computer expert. - IT systems.

- Same thing. - No!

Two specials, step on it.

I'll miss him.

Mrs. Janus, a toast?

No. Thanks, no.

I can't drink champagne to celebrate the end of customs.

Rather drink poison.

- Don't take it like that. - Yeah?

How should I take it?

Sure, you're civil servants.

We're forced to stay here. Only our earnings will leave.

Where will we be?

No customs, no stores. No one will stop.

With the single currency, no more bureau de change!

- What did I tell you? -We didn't think.

It's lunch time.

A few weeks ago there were 30 of you. Now look.

- It is emptier. - You think?

Irene, we promise all the agents who stay

will have lunch here every day.

We promise. You can count on us.

We'll get the word out, even in Belgium.

It's not enough to get by,

but it's nice of you.

Jacques!

Yes, buttercup?

These people are having lunch.

Well, I'll try to fit them in.

Well move, go try already.

Guy is such a fucking bore.

The main dish?

I know, but we need to scrimp.

See what this Europe shit gets us?

He looks so unhappy.

Want to know why? He married a French woman!

And in so doing, he made a Belgian woman unhappy.

The one he didn't marry.

Left her at the mercy of any passing frog!

That's why he's unhappy.

A Frenchman asks a Belgian customs agent,

"Could you check

"if my turning lights work?"

"I'd be happy to, waffle waffle. "

So the Frenchman turns his blinkers on.

The Belgian goes around,

leans over and concentrates, then he says,

"Yes, they work. No, they don't!

"Yes, they work! No, they don't!"

Know why Frenchmen like Belgian jokes?

Because they laugh 3 times.

When they hear it, when you explain it, when they get it!

Let's go.

- We haven't eaten. - It stinks of Frenchies.

Let's go, Vanuxem! Cap!

I'm innocent. Innocent, innocent…

Not taking ID?

No, Vandevoorde will do it.

He'll let it go. A Belgian ambulance.

Bet you 50 F he doesn't.

Belgian Kingdom customs.

Paperwork.

Where are you going?

I have an emergency. A transplant patient.

It's life and death.

Makes you smile?

You're smiling.

Because I'm trying to be cool, but I'm tense.

Hands on the wheel.

Isn't it the organs that travel?

Depends.

On what?

On the organs.

You have French ID, but the vehicle is Belgian.

I'm French but I work in Belgium.

Stealing a Belgian's bread?

I don't eat bread. Diet.

All right,

a joker.

Look at this.

Don't move.

I knew there was no "U" in ambiance.

Get out of the vehicle.

Step on it!

Get out of the vehicle! Freeze!

Get out!

Freeze!

Step on it!

Wait, wait!

Vanuxem!

What good are you if you don't stop your drug smugglers?

Watch your tone. This is French customs here.

Customs? It's a frog fountain!

Enough. I won't get upset.

You should get upset!

I never saw a slug get upset!

Don't insult me.

It's not an insult. You are a slug, a tiny slug!

Leave, or I'll arrest you.

On what charge?

You just crossed the border holding drugs.

Dirty fucking frog!

Sorry, it just happened.

Nice. He got what he deserved.

- Might make him even stupider. - Impossible, he's at his max.

Come on.

- How are you? - Tell me he swung first.

Sorry. He started in insulting me.

You're worse than kids. Grow up!

I said I'm sorry.

Apologize to him.

What? That a joke?

No. Settle this before talking to my dad.

I won't. He's in our way for a year and / should go apologize?

That's right.

What did I do wrong?

Besides being born 3 miles this side of the border.

He can go fuck himself.

Stupid attitude.

No, I'm not stupid.

Your brother is. He's a Belgian idiot!

Don't talk like that.

It's true. He's a Belgian idiot.

You're both racist.

No! This situation makes me nuts!

Sometimes… I can't take it.

Then why are we together?

At times I wonder.

I hate you.

- Hang on, Louise. - Don't touch me.

What's wrong with you? Just like your brother!

Same fine Belgian family.

- What about us? - All morons!

Louise, wait!

What's weighing on your conscience? I can feel it.

Father, I'm so ashamed.

Speak, don't be afraid. God recalls his lost sheep.

Even one who shoots a Frenchman in the back?

You shot a Frenchman in the back?

It's not that I shot him.

But when I got him and he fell,

I had this feeling of enormous satisfaction.

Like joy, almost.

Almost ecstasy.

I can feel it's evil.

Ruben, where did you get this ferocious hatred of the French?

- Father. - Yes, my son?

No, from my father.

You must love your neighbor.

As yourself. God commands it.

I know Father, but…

My neighbor, when he's French,

I just can't. It's reflex. My French neighbor, no way.

If you continue this hatred,

I can no longer absolve you,

nor even hear your confession.

I'm sorry.

You'll go straight to hell, for all eternity.

Hell. For all eternity? Me?

You'll never get through heaven customs.

They have customs for heaven?

Of course. With a soul that dark, I doubt you'll get through.

Oh shit.

Gentlemen, please.

Gentlemen!

Lady!

Right. Sorry, Bakari.

Well, go ahead.

Vandevoorde, we're listening.

Well, I…

I sincerely apologize for what occurred.

My words were uncalled for.

It was in the heat of the moment. I regret the provocation.

I didn't mean what I said. I ran off at the mouth, sorry.

I regret what happened, too. Sorry.

No problem.

Good. Incident over.

The following concerns

only those remaining here on mobile customs duty.

We need a volunteer

for an experimental mixed detail, Franco-Belgian.

With whom?

What?

With which Belgian agent?

With me.

Enough, enough. All right, which one of you?

- This a joke? - Not at all.

No one will ever do it.

I volunteer.

Ducatel, be serious.

I'm serious. I volunteer to team up with Vandevoorde.

Ducatel, aren't you going to Paris for that IT bullshit?

No, I changed my mind.

Fine. You start,

both of you, on Monday. Briefing here at 9.

Why not in Belgium?

We could alternate.

Don't complicate things. Stay here.

Or at the No Man's Land, it's neutral there.

Fine. The No-Man's-Land is fine.

This is the main dining room.

It can seat up to 60.

What are they doing?

Meeting.

Customs meetings at our place, and no one orders?!

You say yes to everything?

No.

Except to me.

Would you like to see the apartment?

We know removing fixed customs

will increase drug smuggling by road.

So we must cover the board.

You'll be out there alone,

in the middle of nowhere, all on your own. And believe me,

that's a whole new ballgame.

What's that?

A GSM portable telephone. First for the mixed detail.

See how small it is?

A wireless phone, incredible.

For use in emergencies. Calls cost a fortune.

The state allocated, for your training,

a one-time grant of 40, 000 BF.

5, 900 FF.

- That's all? - Affirmative.

For one week's training, which, alas, won't take place.

Why not?

We had to acquire your intl. interception vehicle,

which swallowed the whole budget.

An intl. interception vehicle for 5, 900 F? What kind of car?

-1 see. - Grotesque.

This is the 3rd member of your team,

Grizzly.

Why the dog?

One of our top DEA agents.

That?!

For protection?

Protection, no.

Grizzly has an uncanny ability to sniff out drugs.

He'll come in handy in the field.

Gentlemen, in your car.

Gentlemen,

it's important that this bilateral experiment succeed.

Count on us.

A symbol of tomorrow's Europe.

We're off to a good start.

Sorry.

Down, Grizzly.

Down!

Dog seems completely stupid.

Must be French.

I think he looks Belgian.

I'm kidding.

Sorry.

Why don't they stop?

Because we're not customs. Look at us. We're like clowns.

- We're like a joke. - Think so?

What am I doing here?!

I wonder, too. The world changes, we follow.

We submit! It's not the same.

The world isn't changing. It's going to hell. So are we!

We need a stop sign.

Car trouble?

Customs checkpoint.

Customs? Really?

What, really?!

It looks more like you broke down or got lost.

Sir, we're customs and we're working. OK?

Customs still exists?

It's going mobile soon.

Get out. I'll show you we exist.

Relax. Just cause he's French…

I don't give a fuck that he's a frog! He's mocking us!

He is not. He asked why we're here.

I want to know why I'm here!

- Defending a nation that doesn't care! - Enough…

Now he's gone!

No! What's wrong with you?!

Don't do that again.

Don't shoot at him.

He's escaping!

That doesn't mean we shoot him!

Fine.

Then what do we do Mr. Know-lt-AII?

We take his license number.

Or we chase him, but no shooting.

We're in France. French law applies, I decide.

I suggest we chase him.

What do you think?

In that?

Why are you so nervous?

No, I'm fine.

I like your brother's co-worker. Vanuxem.

He's nice, but he's not my type. I'll marry for love.

But I never see you with a man.

Dad, I have to tell you.

What?

You like women?

You're a dyke?

It's not "dyke", it's lesbian.

You're lesbian.

No, I said I'm not.

Then why won't you try one date, you and Vanuxem?

I don't want to.

You know he's a mulatto. Mixed race.

Yeah, Flemish-Walloon.

A real Belgian!

Stop marrying me to all Belgium. I need to find the right man.

The right Belgian.

Annoying! Change the subject.

What is it?

I didn't see. It's French water.

I want to drink Spa!

They were out of it. Drink this, it's very good?

I want Belgian water.

Imagine the Alps are in Belgium and drink!

- You get on my nerves! - So do you!

What's going on?

Hey, I could hear you outside!

Your sister's serving me frog water.

Why buy him that?

That water's fine.

- It tastes bad. - No.

- Let him have his Belgian water. - Thanks.

You're welcome.

You're right, Dad. Scratchy.

It has a dry aftertaste.

Dry water, of course.

Your bullshit rate is off the charts.

Watch your mouth.

My apologies, great savior of our nation.

What?

Why, aren't you the great Belgian lawman, to your last breath?

OK, you done mocking me?

No. I'm sick of your paranoia and racism!

What racism?

Liking your country doesn't make you racist. Right?

Of course.

OK, enough. Stop.

You know what you need? A nice hubby, in your house.

- Vanuxem! - Good idea.

That's it. I've had enough for one day.

Where are you going?

Home. Be careful. Italian coffee, Taiwanese percolator,

and Limoges cups. Only the cookies are local.

Don't choke on them.

Why are you here?

-1 wanted to see you. - What are you doing with my brother?

Beyond apologies, I want to be his friend.

We can be happy, both of us. We don't have to marry.

It's no use. You're wasting your time.

Why?

You were right.

My family are jerks, but it's my family.

I'm not ready to break their hearts.

Sorry.

Louise…

No, Mathias. Please.

Darling…

No, don't make it harder. Help me, please.

It's over. It's better this way.

You know, it's not a mistake to buy this place.

It's a gold mine. And it runs…

all by itself. Right?

It's true that if you look at total earnings,

it's almost indecent!

Then why are you selling, if it's such a great business?

My husband is very sick.

He has an incurable disease, eating at him, little by little.

It's true, I must say, I'm very sick.

So we want to take advantage of his illness.

Well, I mean take a little time to…

So I can get better.

And so I have time for healing.

Time to cure an incurable illness.

Hope springs eternal, as they say.

Give the bullshit a rest. You're in dire financial straits.

The customs agents eat here daily.

Right, that's what interests me.

How do you mean?

I too have a border business in Euro-zone jeopardy.

So I sneak stuff from country to country.

Contraband?

Call it what you will. Nothing very nasty.

Hi-fi equipment, cigarettes. A little extra cash.

What would you do?

We prefer honesty, kind sir.

Let me make you an offer.

Take your schemes elsewhere!

Keep it down, they'll hear.

Don't look.

Don't look at them.

I'm not asking you to smuggle.

Just keep your ears open,

to know where and when the mobile customs goes.

We're don't play that.

How much is in there?

Irene, give that envelope back now.

Keep it for now.

- Serve Vanuxem. - No way!

There's no problem.

I'll be in touch soon.

Either give me the info or return the money.

Take the time to decide.

It's decided!

CUSTOMS - DO NOT PASS

It's not that I despise the French, but they're despicable.

You're right.

You agree?

Of course, we're often arrogant, contemptuous, complainers.

Exactly.

Like Belgian jokes.

You're right. Despicable!

Glad you see that.

Why do my guys make fun of you?

They're frog assholes!

No, they're just jealous.

Of what?

Of you! You're the best agent on either side!

Probably.

You could guard that border yourself.

They can't measure up so they get back at you with jokes.

Think so?

They resent their better. It's actually a mark of respect.

Belgian jokes are respect?

Pure admiration.

Then just say, "Look, I admire you. "

And it's over. What a mix-up.

Why is your language French? Here it should be Belgeois.

That's right.

And it's like the Belgian franc.

The Belgian franc, makes no sense.

Why not the belgar? Like the dollar.

Sounds good. How much do I owe you?

15 belgars\

Keep the change!

Look, you toss the spike strip

under the vehicle that won't stop. It deflates his tires.

Customs!

Shit, shit…

Fuck! That's the guy from the ambulance!

We can catch it, it's a diesel! Quick!

Step on it!

No, I didn't drive over it.

Did I?

Now what? In the middle of nowhere?

Now what?!

The portable telephone!

There!

Customs?

Hello? Vanuxem, it's Ruben!

Vanuxem! Tell the guys, tell the police.

-An APB! - Dark red wagon.

Vehicle with contraband. Dark red wagon, with plates…

Paris.

Cheese-eater!

Anor road, toward Chimay.

Repeat:

On their way?

They coming?

No, they're not.

A fortune, and it doesn't work!

The experiment is a failure. A total disaster.

This circus must stop. We're ridiculous.

He's right. The mobile unit is useless.

No one takes us seriously. We have no equipment.

Ending customs is a big mistake.

Strategically, economically. It's anti-patriotic.

It's a big boner! Stop it now.

Sad to say, but our report will be…

scathing, right?

Vandevoorde, you're not naive enough

to think one report can stop the process?

- We could strike. - Absolutely!

You're both tripping!

All the agents and border people together can't change a thing!

The Courquain customs post will be gone forever.

Like all other European posts.

It's over.

Debriefing over.

And please fix the Renault.

At your own expense, of course.

Goodbye, gentlemen.

I never thought it would come to this.

Look at this street. Deserted.

Depressing.

Don't let it get you. We just need to fix some goals.

- Who's our enemy? - The French.

No, drug smugglers.

Yeah, them too.

Let's say before January 1st, we have to arrest those bastards.

Can't even do it with a car. On foot…

My brother could help you out.

Isn't he in jail?

He got out.

Lots of work.

Just change the tires.

Maybe some new hubcaps.

Listen, we can't spend much at all.

Only because it's for Bruno…

Come back tomorrow at 2: 15. It'll be ready.

Let's go kids!

Let's go, move it! Move it!

They're so annoying. They make me yell.

What's the matter?

I wish I could be on mobile. It's depressing here alone.

You miss me, that's depressing you.

Sort of. I liked it when you yelled. Now I'm bored.

Take naps!

You'll see me a lot.

As my brother-in-law.

- Don't like Belgian beer? - Wrong pipe.

Brothers-in-law?

Maybe. First we'll see if I like your sister.

Don't get uppity.

She's very pretty, but…

She's a pain in the ass. She is.

You're dating her?

No, I'm thinking it over.

Excuse me.

How are you?

I should ask you.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Nadia's not here?

Gone. Got a job at Treasury.

Shit. I didn't even say goodbye.

Hey, guys!

Well?

Come eat with us.

Next time,

just say you admire me. That'll do. OK?

Of course you're jealous. But those dumb jokes are unnecessary.

All right?

- Of course. - You got it.

Three Flemish stew specials.

Gift, for my French friends.

Nice portions.

Jacques got generous?

Just some beef in a beer-based sauce.

Mobile customs must give you an appetite?

In that car all day?

No, we set up stops on little roads.

Really?

But like…

whereabouts do you do that?

It was just gathering dust.

Supercharged Alpine V6, 250 horsepower.

3, 000 cc's.

Maximum speed, 190 MPH.

That's more than hubcaps.

It's gorgeous.

Can you put an engine that big in this model?

Why not?

It's all Renault, nothing but Renault.

Awesome, right?

Thank you so much. Delicious.

Thanks for inviting me, Ruben.

I thank you, for taking my side with the brass.

It didn't do any good.

Thanks anyway.

My husband thanking a Frenchman. Wow.

Mathias isn't just any frog.

He's a good one. Which is rare.

The exception confirms the rule.

No, Ruben. We're all the same.

Take the time to know people

you realize they're like you and me, with differing backgrounds.

Right?

Nice speech, but not for me.

Are you married?

No, I'm single.

But there is someone?

It's complicated.

Sorry if I'm indiscreet, but why is it complicated?

How can I put it?

I'm madly in love with a woman who's…

… black.

And her family hates whites.

So it's over.

That's awful.

Is she pretty?

Oh yeah, gorgeous.

No, it's silly. Silly!

Mathias…

- Want some advice? - Sure.

In your shoes, I'd go to her family,

ask for a chance.

You're in love?

Love conquers all.

It does!

I'll think of that when I go talk to them.

On hearing the Good News,

the Magi brought gifts to the baby Jesus.

Come on.

There.

And as it happens, speaking of good news,

one of our most faithful families,

the Vandervoorde's,

has asked me to announce the engagement of their Louise

to a parishioner

we'd nevertheless like to see more often at mass,

Bruno Vanuxem.

Our best wishes to them both.

You shouldn't have made that U-turn.

I can't.

Listen, I lost 30 keys in that ambulance.

I have to get well quick. It's the only way.

I can't.

Do it for me.

You know, it's common practice. You won't be the first, or the last.

It'll never fit.

It will.

If you're relaxed, it'll go right in.

Not possible. I can feel there's no room.

Don't be so defeatist.

Here.

Look.

Start with little ones.

The big ones…

will follow.

2 or 3 in my jacket lining?

We take no more chances.

Put it all up your…

I'll step out, wait outside.

Here.

If you need help…

don't call me.

Well? Did it all go in?

See that? Not so complicated.

After delivery, I bring the money back same way?

Yeah… No! No way.

Put it in the door panels.

And by the way, use these little roads.

According to the Janus', there's never anyone there.

Too long!

Better than getting caught at a border post!

-What? -1 think I better hurry.

Well drive, go ahead.

By the way, we forgot. Merry Christmas, Mathias.

Thanks.

Something wrong?

You don't look good.

I'm not.

You didn't have a good Christmas.

No, and it's your fault.

Mine?

I'm so sick of your stupid Belgian face!

I can't stand your waffle-eating puss! Got me?

I love all things Belgian

but I hate you because you're a racist asshole!

There!

I'm a Frenchman and you can kiss my ass!

Mathias?

What is it?

I'm leaving. I resign.

I just came to say farewell. Have a good life with Vanuxem!

I'm not going to marry Vanuxem.

Stop. The priest announced it to the whole church.

That's it. My brother did that and I was furious.

You were at Chimay church?

Oh shit. Ruben!

Shit!

Ruben, I swear I was testing you.

To see how strong our friendship was.

And?

I don't know, you tell me.

You had that coming.

You done?

This is for that waffle-eater crack! Bastard!

Look! Wait!

Fuck! That red wagon!

Hit it!

Drive!

Shit!

I'm going anyway!

Are you crazy?

- There's a fence! - Too bad!

I swear it wasn't me. I'm innocent. I never heard of Courquain!

You think we're idiots, Mr. EMT?

Why shoot through these back roads?

My family's waiting in Brussels.

Car looks empty.

I'm trying to call the plates in but I have no signal bricks.

Grizzly!

Why's Grizzly sniffing his ass?

Yeah, why's he sniffing your ass?

That's normal.

Dogs always sniff asses.

They love doing that. They sniff ass.

No, dogs sniff dog ass. Not men. And you're no dog!

But I have a dog. He must smell my dog.

- Let's go get an x-ray done. -Why?

To see why your ass smells like dog.

Easy.

Hey, you're phenomenal.

Check this out.

Of course Grizzly got worked up.

30 balls of drugs up his behind.

There you go.

No, it can't be.

It can't be?

You didn't know?

No. Really. I don't know how drugs got up my ass.

It's a plant.

Some guy came along,

shoved 30 balls up your hole, you don't know how.

Oh my God.

How?

I don't know.

I'm thinking.

Think hard.

Maybe he fell asleep, ass up.

Yeah, or maybe…

his wife is sleeping with a wicked magician.

- Abracadabra! - What's that?

What is it?

A rabbit?

- Magic! - Great magic.

When you woke up, you felt nothing?

Sure, it itches.

- It itches? - With the plastic.

It itches.

All right, it was me.

Happy? It was me!

What will I get?

In Belgium, that quantity. 10 years.

Or give up seller and buyer.

No thanks.

- I'd wind up in a canal. - Fine.

Let's go. The vice squad will do the rest.

Do what?

Take the drugs out, weigh it, shove it back in.

Really?

Along with a bug maybe. A mic.

A walkie-talkie.

- No. - So they can keep track.

Lots of room up your ass!

Best we cover this area here.

The DEA says there's lots of night traffic.

Not a lot of residents and it's close to the highway.

We should set up here.

Put guys at the tolls.

Why not you, Vanuxem?

The toll booths.

You got my guy busted.

You gave me that fucking route!

Calm down, they'll hear you.

They never spoke of that area.

Not possible! You must have screwed up!

You always screw up.

Not my fault they changed.

How do I get my merchandise back?

Yeah, how does he get his merchandise back?

I'm asking you, too.

Really?

Well fine, but he was supposed to write it down.

We'll give your money back.

What's left.

You spent it already?

Can't you shut up, now and then?

Money-wise it was 10 times more, with all he had in his… car.

What's going on back there?

I better go or they'll come in.

Listen, they're around the map.

Go and memorize all you can.

Is that clear?

Go!

We promised we'd come for lunch not spend the day.

Yeah, but I was in the kitchen and that's why…

Move those so I can I fold my map?

Oh, sorry.

Should I clean it?

- No, it's fine. - Whatever you say.

The plates.

What am I thinking?

What's on for today?

Here, look.

The menu.

Oh, right.

Bingo!

- We got him. - Let him come.

Customs!

Come closer.

He's not stopping.

What the hell?

Ruben, move. He's won't stop.

Yes, he will.

Ruben, I have the strip.

You all right?

Thank you.

You'd do the same for me.

I doubt it.

What's going on?

You came here with Duval's car?!

-1 nearly killed Vandevoorde. -What?

Or him me.

You ran into Vandevoorde?

I swear… I have no luck.

Did he recognize you?

He'd be here by now.

He shot at me.

You OK, hon? Not wounded?

Good thing it wasn't our car.

I quit. It's too risky.

- That was my last run. - What? Wait!

Look.

Look what Duval gave me.

Look, double the agreed amount.

Final payment, plus an advance for the next trip.

There is no next trip. We're quitting, it's over.

Jacques, please. Two or three more trips. Please.

No, Irene. I said it's over.

We made enough.

We're above water.

I don't want to be above water.

Damnit, Jacques! Be a little ambitious for once.

A chance like this comes along once.

We've got a chance to make a lot.

A lot of money.

You don't seem happy to see us.

Sure, but…

I feel funny. Last day of customs.

You said it.

Glass of champagne?

The end of Courquain, not much of a party.

Give us a shot.

Something with a little kick. We could use it.

So could I.

Happy New Year.

Farewell, customs.

First New Year's I don't feel like partying.

Something on tonight, Mathias?

No, nothing special.

Can't stay alone.

Sure.

Come with us. Dinner at my dad's, with Vanuxem.

I can't, I'm French.

You do the accent. Waffle, waffle.

No way. Don't even think about it.

- Come with us. - No!

It's all in the clothes. Look.

You're about Vanuxem's size. It's what you wear.

I'm a little taller though, right?

- Happy New Year. - Yeah, right!

Good efening Mister Vandevoordwaffle.

Who's this?

Mathias, a new co-worker.

He comes from…

Liege, right?

Yes-waffle.

Happy New Year, waffle.

Yeah, right!

Quit saying waffle all the time.

You mean it?

They're here!

Mathias?

From Liege, yes.

From Liege?

Olivia, my wife.

- Pleasure. - Efening.

Leopold, my son.

- We'll wake him for fireworks. - Great.

Louise, my sister.

Efening. Pleasure to meet you.

Ruben didn't say you were so pretty.

- Mathias? - Yeah?

Come and sit down.

Thanks, fery kind of you.

You don't have a Liege accent.

My sister's very pretty, but a little sassy.

Pass the bread?

- Sure. - Thank you.

Well?

I was born in Brussels.

Really? Not a Brussels accent either.

My parents moved around a lot.

Where did they move to?

Quit bothering him, OK?

My daughter has issues with men; She's a dyke.

Dad!

Excuse me.

Lesbian.

What's your problem with men? They never did anything to you.

Maybe that's just it! They did nothing!

You can be such a moron.

Exactly.

That's enough, you two. Eat.

Enjoy your meal!

How are you?

You here! And in that get-up!

It's all because I love you…

Shut up!

We could start over. From the beginning.

Be serious.

I am. We fall in love, right in front of your family.

I know they'll accept me.

Hey "Liege", want a drink?

Sure, an after-dinner drink. Lofe one, waffle.

What is that?

A Belgian accent.

Say you don't love me, I'll go.

We must end this.

What are you doing?

Mathias!

Are you crazy? What are you doing?

I can't live without you. I missed you! I want you!

You're nuts. My family's right outside.

It's all good. Your brother loves me. And it's mutual.

He insisted that I come.

And if he walks in, what will he say?

You're beautiful, you smell so good. You drive me wild.

They'll wonder where we are.

I don't care.

Mathias, not here.

Not here?

- Not here. - No.

Shit!

Someone in there?

I'm in here!

I got to take a wicked piss. Hurry!

Go piss outside.

No, it's freezing.

Two seconds!

-What? - I'm hiding!

Out the window.

- Not outside! - Hurry!

- Jump! - It's cold!

Jump, it'll cool you off.

Easy, easy.

My clothes!

Quick!

About time! What were you doing?

Why's that open?

I made number 2.

Why was "Liege" outside?

Seeing if the fireworks started.

Starts at midnight.

Won't be long now, waffle!

Thanks again and happy New Year.

Yeah, right!

- Night, Dad. - Bye!

Louise, drop Vanuxem off. It's on your way.

Sure, if you like.

I'll come, too.

No! You come with me.

I'll drop my wife and son off. Then I'll drop you off in France.

Goodbye and happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

Why stop here?

I have a favor to ask.

Father.

What is it, Ruben?

All is well. I wanted to wish you a happy 1993,

and tell you that I've made some resolutions.

Let me also introduce

my friend…

Mathias…

Ducatel.

- Good evening, Father. - Good evening.

He's French.

Yes. So what?

I'm friends with a Frenchman. Me. Friend. Frenchman.

Glad to hear it, Ruben.

That all? It's fantastic!

You know,

Father, for after…

You know… Customs.

Up there.

You know, Ruben, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

Right.

Tell him how we get along.

It's true. We work together and get along great.

Great, great.

We're friends, huh?

You're from…

Tell him where you're from.

- France. - France!

- I'm French. - A French Frenchman.

Being friends with one of God's children, wherever he's from,

is nothing exceptional.

And if you're doing it in order to curry favor

with the Lord, that's bad.

Not at all. I didn't know before.

I had no ulterior motives.

No, it's a beautiful friendship,

both simple and straightforward, involving two good buddies.

Right, friend?

Yes, friend.

On the other hand, I do have ulterior motives

and I know you'll understand this, my friend.

Of course, friend.

Sorry, what did you say?

I got close to you because I want to marry your sister.

You only saw her once.

We've been dating over a year.

In secret.

Holy shit.

You've been fucking my sister for a year, you little prick?!

Vandevoorde!

Watch your tongue in the Lord's house!

Father, the prick has been fucking my sister for a year!

Get out! You are not worthy!

Bastard! I'll bash your face in!

Dirty French piece of shit! Dirty liar!

The house of the Lord!

Ruben, violence leads nowhere. Stop or you'll go to hell.

I don't give a fuck!

I'm going to cream this cheese-eating prick!

Ruben, my friend…

I'm… not your friend!

- Your sister loves me! - Shut your face, frog!

Louise!

What's going on?

I told your brother! He went nuts! Forgive me.

Go ahead, shoot.

Kill me in front of your sister! Go ahead!

Why don't you kill us both?

- Get away. - I'm so unhappy without this "frog".

Move.

Know why we split?

Because when I woke up in his arms

all I could think about

was how to avoid a clash with my family.

How do you know you're not doing this as a provocation?

To fuck with your family?!

Yes! I hoped it wouldn't be serious!

And I even regretted my words of love.

But when he asked to marry me I was so moved…

So moved…

that I was afraid

of your stupid fucking racism.

That's why I left the love of my life, Ruben.

I love you.

I love you, Louise.

Darling, I love you.

Happy New Year, Louise Vandevoorde.

Happy New Year, Mathias Ducatel.

-1 never want us to split again. - Me neither.

- Is Ducatel there? - Yes.

Put him on.

For you.

Come right away.

A BMW, 150 MPH, ran the toll.

- Coming. - Hurry.

Quick as I can.

A BMW doing 150 on the highway. They want us to intercept.

Be careful.

I'm worried about Ruben.

Hello? We're in position. Can you hear me?

Shit!

They missed it at the tolls.

Midnight blue BMW, French plates.

No "of course"?

What?

I said French plates. You don't say "Of course"?

All I want is for Louise to be happy.

Live happily ever after with my sister.

The day you separate, I whack you. Got it?

I'm so glad we're brothers-in-law.

We'll talk after the divorce.

That's them!

Closer! Closer!

Don't lean out! It's too dangerous!

We're going too fast!

We got him!

We can make it!

Try to hold on to the motor!

Engine off! Get out of the car!

Hands up!

Jacques, what are you doing here?

Nothing, just moving a few cigarette cartons.

Why run?

I didn't see it was you. And it is contraband.

Give me your keys!

What is this?

I'm cuffing you!

Why?

You're detained by customs.

You've known me for 20 years. You do this over cigarettes?

You said cigarettes?

- What's that? - Shit.

Apparently cocaine, a large quantity.

I swear I didn't know.

I didn't check the trunk…

Does your wife know?

Absolutely not!

I had no idea!

My God, Jacques,

what have you done?

I didn't know it was drugs. I swear, Irene.

Every time he said cigs.

This wasn't the first trip?

The fifth. Right, cupcake?

Can't you avoid one or two now and then?

Sorry, kitten.

Mathias, Ruben, we couldn't get by otherwise.

We looking at prison?

10 years and several million in fines.

I can't believe it.

- Unless they cooperate. - Meaning?

If you help us get the whole ring, you'd be our CI's.

Cl's?

Like undercover?

In a way, yeah.

You'd be free up to trial,

and with a good lawyer, you'd get time served and parole.

- Maybe jail for Jacques. - Fine.

We'll cooperate. We agree to that?

I'll take the whole rap. I don't want Irene going to jail.

That would take the cake!

Well? Go all right?

Great! No problems. Like butter! Fantastic.

What's that about?

That's…

Nothing terrible. Just a fender bender, like they say.

I outran it.

No consequences.

Don't worry, Mr. Duval. All the drugs are in the trunk.

You know it's drugs?

No, I meant cigarettes.

But I mean this whole ambiance really says drug smuggling.

So, I guess it just sort of slipped out.

Bastard!

Stop!

Look at me!

Are you all right?

Not really.

To the success of the first mobile Franco-Belgian unit!

Belgo-French!

Wonderful.

When exactly did you start working for us?

Under wraps?

- Long ago! - Very long.

From the start, I'll tell you the whole story.

No, Jacques. This isn't the time.

Why not?

Because it's not!

- But why? - It's not the time!

- Basically… - No!

You're incorrigible! Let's celebrate! Let's celebrate!

To your health!

When they contacted me…

Come on! Jacques!

Right when we started, with this place…

Moron. You're such a moron!

The king of morons!

Stupid moron he is.

What a moron!

We have to be in the same car, Sergeant?

No, Detective.

I should've guessed… Hey, what's wrong with you?!

Jacques, help! You brute!

Hey, I've had this in my pocket for a while.

Found it under my couch. Is it by any chance…

Yes, it's mine.

We belong to one group, son.

Humanity.

And we share one planet. Earth.

It's everyone's earth.

Every…

Why's that frog parking there?

Can't park there!

Fuck, a Chink.

Dad, isn't the earth Chinese too?

It is, but not on this side.

Hey, gook!

Can't park there!

You! Car!

Scram!

Watch how you talk to me.

What?

You got a problem?

Be right back, angel.

Subtitles ripped and edited by JimmyBG28