Original subtitles

- Look at this.

Says here I can look like this guy

Just by working out 15 minutes a day.

- Hmm.

You better make it 20.

- How are you two?

Yeah?

Super.

- Yeah, help yourself, dad.

- Your mother's never at home anymore.

She hasn't cooked for me in a month.

- Ah, she's really loving that sculpture class,

Isn't she?

Thanks for talking her into that.

I just ate a fistful of bouillon cubes.

- Hey, did you know that marie's teacher

Said that she has real talent?

- Really?

The teacher that she pays?

- Never mind.

Look, she's meeting new people.

I think that's good for her.

- Have you talked to them?

Announcer: Another season of "everybody loves raymond."

[grunting]

[intense instrumental music]

[laughter]

- Hi, everyone.

- Oh, my god, look.

They've tented your mother for termites.

- I finished the piece I was working on.

- Is it a sandwich?

- I'm so excited.

I can't wait for you to see it.

Are you ready?

- Ready?

- Bring it in, robbie.

Be careful.

- Hey, everybody--

- Shh! Don't ruin the moment.

Okay, everybody.

[giggles]

I want to thank both raymond and debra

For their support and encouragement

Of my artistic pursuits.

- [snoring]

- All right, frank.

- And in the tradition of artists and their patrons,

The michelangelos and the medicis,

I give you...

This.

- [gasps]

Marie, this is fantastic.

- You like it?

- Wow. - Yeah, oh.

I love it. You really did this?

- Yeah, ma, it's great!

- Robbie, turn on the lights.

- Can I talk to you?

Come over here a second.

Did you look at the sculpture?

- Yeah, it's great. What?

- Yeah, well, what does it look like?

- I don't know.

It doesn't look like anything.

- Oh, it--it definitely looks like something.

- What?

- Don't you think it looks a little like a...

Hmm?

- What?

- Isn't it a bit too...

Ladylike?

- Great!

- You see?

- Oh, now I do, thank you.

- [laughs] raymond.

What do you think?

- What? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good.

- Uh-huh?

- Yeah, it--it's wonderful, marie, really.

- So, ma, what is it?

- It's an abstract.

- Not abstract enough.

- [giggles]

You've done an amazing job.

- It looks like something, though.

What does it look like?

- I don't think raymond likes it.

- What?

- You're hardly looking at it.

- Wha-- I'm lookin' at it.

- You can get close. You can even touch it.

- I'm fine!

- This is bugging me.

Where have I seen this before?

- You know, the greeks used to say

That the shape is in the stone

Just waiting to come out.

- [whispering] what?

Oh...My god!

- What, robbie?

- Huh?

No--it's--it's nothing.

It's fabulous!

Abstract!

Very...

- I got to tell ya,

I--I don't know what the hell this is,

But I love it.

- Do you really, frank?

Oh, thank you.

- You see it, huh? - Yeah, make it stop.

- Well, where should we put it?

- What?

- It's a gift to you and raymond.

- [laughing] man, oh, man.

- I think it looks great right here.

It becomes the focal point of the whole room.

- Oh, my god, you have to say something!

- Yeah? Why me?

- Because this is a woman's issue.

- You know how you can tell it's good art?

Because it follows you when you move.

- Robbie, let's take the dolly back to the studio.

- With pleasure, mother.

Enjoy your sculpture, raymond!

[laughs]

Ta-ta!

- Dad?

Dad, you can go now, too.

- In a minute.

- Come on, you can visit it later, all right?

- Hey, you know, I'll tell you what,

I'm gonna bring my camera over here

And get a shot of all of us standing around it.

Hey, that could be our christmas card!

- Yeah.

- You know...

Maybe...

Well, from this angle, it looks kind of like a...

Like a...

A sailboat.

Yes, I-I see a sailboat.

- A sailboat that could use a pair of underwear!

- Okay, listen.

Your mother gave this to us,

And if we have to live with it,

It's gonna be a sailboat.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm not living with it, okay?

I can't live with it!

- You can't tell her that.

Now, this may make you uncomfortable,

But we have got to support her.

- Oh, great, yes, we'll support her.

Meantime, there's gonna be a cover charge

To get in our living room.

- I can't find my crayons.

- Crayons?

No, there's no crayons here.

- Here they are, honey. There you go, sweetie.

- What's that?

- What? What?

- Oh. Look.

It's something that your grandmother

Carved out of stone.

This is called a sculpture.

This is art.

Okay, maybe that's enough art for now.

Shoo. Go play.

- Can I color it?

- No. Go upstairs.

- You know, not that I would encourage it,

But the way he was looking at it, that's good, right?

He's like a little man.

- Idiot. - What?

Because my father was concerned about him

In that department.

Oh, damn, it does follow you.

All right, if you're gonna stand there,

At least block my view.

What?

- I've been thinking about it, and I'm wondering,

Where's my sculpture?

What are you talking about?

- You mean a sign of affection from my mother?

I don't know. What's that like?

- This is a sign of affection?

- In its own disturbing way, yes.

- Oh, god. You're sick.

- You're sick. - You.

- I loathe you.

- Okay. All right, anyway.

Bye.

Okay, great.

The parkers' basement is flooded.

- Ha ha, that's funny. I hate that parker.

- No, that's not funny, ray.

Their whole house is flooded.

- Oh. So why can't the kids just come over here?

- I don't know, ray.

All the neighborhood kids come over here

And learn about the birds and the gigantic bees?

- I thought it was a sailboat.

- Frank, what are you doing?

He's been standing there for an hour.

Would you stop staring at that?

You're freakin' me out!

- Why? It's just a sailboat.

- That's no sailboat!

- All right. Look, come on, dad.

- Where are we going?

- Pizza.

- Can't we just order in?

- Let's go.

- Hey, you know what, pizza sounds good.

- Oh, no, no, no. You're not going anywhere.

- Why? Why not?

- Because I can't take one more day

Being stuck here with that,

And the kids and their questions--

"why did grandma make that?

What is it? Why is it so big?"

I can't take it anymore.

I am seeing it in my sleep.

I see it,

And I know it's your mother's,

And we have to get rid of it.

- All right.

I'm with you. How?

- I don't know, honey. Just--just do it, okay?

I can't look at it anymore.

- All right. Okay.

You know what, I'm...

I'm covering it up for now.

I'll start sanding it down tomorrow.

I'll sneak the dust out in my pants to the yard.

- I was just in the--

- You know what I'm doin'?

I'm coverin' it up...

Because it seems...

So alive.

That it should rest at night.

Nighty-night.

You're covering my sculpture with a garbage bag?

- Well, uh, well...

- We didn't want it to get dirty.

You know how dusty I let this house get.

I know, dear, but that's all right.

I gave it to you to enjoy.

A little dust can't hurt it.

- Yeah, I know, but don't you want to enjoy it, too?

You know, it doesn't seem fair

That--that we get all the enjoyment.

Maybe you could keep it at your house,

And we could come by for enjoyable visits.

- Yeah, that-- that would be great.

- But I gave it to you.

- Yes. Yes, you did.

And--and we love it.

- Love it!

- But I was just thinking, just now, um...

It's so precious, I mean,

What if one of the kids breaks it?

- Yeah. That would be bad.

- Well, if you're worried about that,

We could move it.

Ooh, it could go in your bedroom.

- No, no. - No, no, no, no.

- We--we don't really like art in the bedroom.

- Too highfalutin.

We're simple folk.

- Are you saying you don't want it?

- Well, the thing is,

It's not really my taste.

You know, I like the kind of statues...

Like a horse or somebody's head,

You know, or the heisman trophy.

That's a beauty.

- I'm really into unicorns myself.

- I see.

All right.

- Well...

Thank you for your candor.

- Okay, but--but you're really a great sculptress.

Hey, you know, why don't you--

Why don't you do like, uh, a mount rushmore,

Only...With us?

- It's okay, raymond, you don't have to keep it.

And I don't expect you to come

To the class exhibit, either.

I think it's safe to say you wouldn't enjoy it.

- Oh, marie.

- And I'm sorry that it had to be

In your house for so long.

I'll have it removed just as soon as possible.

- I think it's mad.

[doorbell rings]

[mouth full] hello.

- Hello.

Raymond barone?

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm sister ann; this is sister beth.

We're here to pick up the sculpture.

- You're what?

- The one your mother donated to the church auction.

- Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

That sculpture, that's not here anymore.

- It's not? - No, no, no.

- Isn't that a sculpture?

- No, no, no, no, no.

- But--but--but-- ow!

- Sorry.

- Ow.

- Sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Sorry, sister, yes, uh, you mean that sculpture.

Yeah, yeah, that's the sculpture.

I--I--we...

We had another sculpture.

I got confused, that's all.

That's-- that's the sculpture.

I was not lying to nuns.

- Okay, let's load it up.

- Okay, all right. Take it away.

Enjoy it.

The sheet comes with it.

You get that for free.

You know what, the sheet should stay on it all the time.

It's kind of part of the sculpture.

It's--no--no.

- Oh, my.

- Well...

- Pretty abstract, huh?

Okay, all right, all right.

Let's, uh-- let's load this puppy up, huh?

- Good, sisters, I'm glad you're here.

- Oh, boy.

- Mrs. Barone, hello.

Is that the sculpture you intended

To contribute to the church auction?

- Well, don't you think the subject matter is...

Might be inappropriate?

- Subject matter? What do you mean?

- Forgive me, but is that not a sculpture of...

- What?

What's wrong with you?

- It's just that it may not be right for--

- Are you crazy?

- Okay, uh, sisters, thank you for coming by.

We certainly appreciate it.

- If you have anything else, we'll be happy to take it.

If you have a sculpture of almost anything else.

- Yeah, uh, we don't--

We don't have any more sculptures; we don't.

I have a ceramic pig upstairs.

It's full of quarters. You want that?

- That's all right. We'll just be going.

- Okay, all right.

Thank you. God bless you.

I'll see you Sunday. I'm gonna bring the pig!

Nuns, right? What's going on?

- Raymond, do you see what they see?

- Um...

I don't know.

- No, tell me the truth.

- Well...

Maybe if I squint a little.

- Oh, my god, I'm a lesbian.

- Mom.

- Well, look at it!

- I've seen it! - I mean, it--

It's so obvious.

- No, no, it's not, really.

- I'm a failure.

- Hey...

There.

So what?

You--you made a...Thing.

- It's not that, raymond.

I'm not a prude.

The female body is a beautiful--

- Okay, okay.

Okay.

So--so what is it? What's bothering you?

- Well, it's supposed to be an abstract.

The teacher told us that we could make

Any kind of a statue we wanted.

And so I chose an abstract

Because I thought it was easy.

Turns out I can't even do that.

- Debra thinks it looks like a sailboat.

- There's something wrong with her.

I just tried to do something different,

Find something new.

That's all.

Something more than just being

A short-order cook for your father.

- You wanted to find something new about yourself?

- Mm-hmm.

- Well...

Nobody expected this.

Ta-da!

- All right, raymond.

- No, I mean, come on, ma, look, you made something here.

- It was an accident.

- Hey, so was penicillin.

And robert.

No, come on.

Really, come over here.

Look. Look at this.

I mean, look.

All right, it may not be my taste,

But--but this used to be just a rock, okay?

Even I can appreciate that.

And what do most people who take an art class--

Like a little paperweight or an ashtray,

But look what you did.

You...

You know, I mean--

Look at this. You made this.

You--you got people talking.

You shocked people, right?

I think that's what real artists do.

I'm proud of you.

- Thank you, raymond.

You're a good boy.

- Hmm.

But really, you got to get it out of here.

- Oh, thank you for coming.

I'm so thrilled you came.

- Well, marie, your piece was the hit of the show.

- Oh, thank you, dear.

- Congratulations, yeah.

You didn't have to dedicate it to me.

- Who else?

- [mocking] who else?

- Yeah. All right.

I got to go home and wash my eyes.

- Okay, let's go. Where's frank?

- If you ask me, it looks like a...

- Holy crap!