Original subtitles

- Oh, honey, you looks so beautiful.

Okay.

So you go wait out in the car,

And daddy will be right out, all right?

- Bye, mommy. - Bye, sweetie.

Aww.

[chuckles]

Ray, what are you doing?

- Why can't you take her to this thing?

- [sighs] because it's a father-daughter dance.

- Think they have a father-daughter poker night

At the racetrack.

- And you know what I would love?

Ask one of the other fathers

To film you two dancing.

- [groans] - fast and slow.

- [groans] - okay?

And stay the full two hours.

- [groans] - have a good time.

- There better be booze at this thing.

- Watch me, daddy.

- Hey, that's good. Where did you learn that?

- I don't know.

- What are you, like, 21, 22 now?

- I'm nine.

- Oh, right, nine.

Yeah.

[chuckles]

- Hello, raymond.

Want to make a baby?

Oh, really, ray? Again?

- Ahh.

- Oh. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

- Uh-huh.

Deb, deb, just w-wait a minute.

Wait a minute. - What?

- Well, we've been having sex every day

For the last three months.

I'm starting to feel like a piece of meat.

- Okay.

- What--ugh.

Boy, you really want a kid, huh?

- What do you mean? Don't you?

- Yeah, I gue-- - huh?

- I don't know.

- Well, what?

I mean, wasn't this the plan?

We've been trying for three months.

Aren't you the one that said you wanted

A little ray or raymona?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I-I don't know.

- What are you saying?

You don't want to have kids?

- Does it have to be right this second?

- I can't believe you're telling me this now.

You just don't want responsibility.

That's what this is about. You're a baby.

- Yes, and you know what they say

About babies having babies; it's a crisis.

- My god.

This is all I've thought about for--

For--for a year.

- Well, I mean, maybe you should

Develop some other interests.

Look, wait, stop, look, all I'm saying is--

Is you shouldn't get so nutty about being pregnant.

- Well, why the hell not?

- Well, first of all, the language,

Not really for children.

Let's just let it happen, okay?

If it happens, then it happens.

- No, no, you have to keep at it.

There's only so many days per month.

- I'm just saying that we shouldn't

Get our hopes up, okay?

In case--

You know.

Whatever.

- Ray, you do know

That three months of trying isn't that long, right?

- Hey, don't look at me. I don't even want

To talk about it. - Oh, sweetie.

It's normal, really.

- I don't know. I got this feeling.

- Yeah? A feeling?

- Three months,

We should have had a kid already.

- No, listen, ray, I'm telling you.

- Look, my father said some stuff, okay?

Us barones, we're supposed to be really "vireal."

I mean, I-I should have--

I should have been able to impregnate you by now.

- Your dad said that?

- He said knock you up, but yeah.

- Ray, look, honey,

My gynecologist said that it might take several months

To knock me up.

Oh, honey, you have nothing to worry about.

We have nothing to worry about.

- I guess if it's a girl,

It doesn't have to be raymona.

I also like alexandra--

Ally.

- Yeah. I like that.

- My father's an idiot.

- Yeah, yeah, you know, I could use

Less of a frank image right now.

[buzzer]

- Oh, hi, marie.

- Hi, dear. Hi. - Come on in.

Ray's not even home yet.

Frank and robert still parking?

- Oh, frank's looking for a broken meter.

If robert wasn't with him, he'd break one himself.

I made you some appetizers for tonight.

I hope you don't mind, dear.

- Oh, please, anytime you want to come over with food,

You're more than welcome. - Okay. [laughs]

So how have you been? - Good, and you?

- Good.

You're pregnant.

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

- Yes, I am. [both screaming]

- Oh, I am so happy for you.

- Oh, so am I.

- When did you find out? - Today!

I haven't even told ray yet.

- You haven't? Oh, how exciting. - Yes!

- Oh, you're going to make such a good mother.

- Oh, you're going to be such a good grandmother.

- I know. [laughter]

- Hey. - Hey.

So you found a parking space, frank?

- [halting stutter]

- I hate all these damn fire hydrants.

I'm glad dogs pee on them.

- Sorry about that, frank.

Yeah, damn fire hydrants.

[laughter]

So how are you doing, robert?

- Actually, I'm doing good.

I met a girl. - Oh, really?

What's her name? - Joanne.

Oh, she's great.

We've only been out one time,

But I really think that this--

- Debra's pregnant!

- It's true! It's true!

I just found out.

Oh.

- Now I feel bad going on about not being able to park.

- Uncle robert, no, no, no, uncle bobby, yes.

"hey, uncle bobby, what's up?"

"aw, nothing much, kid. I just--"

Oh, yeah.

- Okay, so listen, listen, listen.

Ray doesn't know yet, so when he gets home,

You have to let me--

- Raymond! My beautiful boy.

- Hey.

- So how was work?

- Oh, god, my editor is such an idiot.

- Okay, so you had a bad day,

But how about everybody else?

I mean, your father's fine, and I'm fine,

And robert's the same as always.

But how--how was your day, debra, huh?

- Yeah, it-- it was okay, marie.

- You okay, ma? - Yes.

- But the question is, how is debra?

- What's going on? - Nothing. What?

You know what, marie, why don't you go

Break out your appetizers?

- Yeah, ma, go get those. - Okay, okay.

But nobody talk until I get back, all right?

Oh, in fact, you know what's a fun game to play?

Silent indian, the no-talking game.

Play that.

- Hey, what? What? What are you doing?

What? Debra, what? What the hell?

- Ray, our first few years together

Have been a joy to me--

- Hey, what are you two doing out--raymond!

- And I think of our-- our life together

As a journey-- - hey!

Don't you want your appetizers?

- A great journey, and along this path--

[pounding on door]

- No, ma, stop!

- Along this path, we would share

Many joyful moments together,

Moments that we will remember--

Okay!

I'm pregnant!

- What?

[pounding stops]

- Pregnant! Debra's pregnant!

[laughing]

- Debra, dear, I made you some pasta.

- Oh, no, thanks. I'm not hungry, marie.

- Hit me. I'm open.

- But your baby's just three weeks away.

You need your strength.

- I know, but I told you the doctor said

I shouldn't be eating anything heavy.

- So you're just going to do everything the doctor says?

When I was with child,

I ate three healthy meals a day,

And look how my boys turned out.

- Stop eating immediately.

- Well, I thought some motherly wisdom

Would be appreciated, but I guess I'm not worth--

- Okay, I'll eat it. Thank you. Thank you.

- No trouble, dear. I'm going to make you some tea.

Pregnant women love tea.

- Come out!

No, no, I got it.

- Huh? What was that? What?

- Nothing.

I'm going to go to the bathroom.

- Okay. Hurry back, mommycakes.

- Hey, okay, I got some big news,

And I wanted to tell you guys first.

[deep breath] all right.

I've been dating joanne for about six months now,

And I think that I just might have found my debra.

So after careful deliberation,

I have decided that I'm going to ask her--

- My water just broke.

- What? - Holy crap!

- Come on, what-- are you sure?

- Very, very, very much so.

- What--no, no, the book says this stuff

Ain't supposed to happen for, like, three weeks now.

- Oh, really? Let me see that.

My water just broke, ray!

I thought the pains in my back were from your mother,

But apparently they're contra--aah!

- Ooh! Yeah, "contra--aah!" you're having "contra--aah!"?

- C-contractions. Definitely a contraction.

- Are you sure? - [growls]

Yeah, okay, definitely. Yeah, definitely.

- Well, what do you do?

Don't you have to go a-away from here?

- Oh, no, I don't have a route

Mapped out to the hospital from here.

- Shh, quiet. I don't want marie to know.

Let's just get out of here. - What--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're not going to tell my mother?

- Look, after we're in the hospital

And we're well underway, then you can tell her.

- What's well underway?

- Kindergarten. Aah.

I don't want her in my delivery room.

- Maybe she could just bring cookies.

- I am going to bite your nose right off.

- Maybe you give us a head start, okay?

All right, come on. Easy, easy, easy.

- Ooh, what's going on? - Nothing.

- Uh, ray and I were just thinking of taking

A little walk. Right, ray? - Mm-hmm.

- We were just going to take a walk around the block.

- Yeah. Hmm.

- Robert, you want to come with us?

- I don't know. Do I?

- I just thought that since you're a cop,

Maybe we could walk a little faster,

Like, right through the red lights...

Since you're a cop.

- Oh, yeah. Right.

- Wait, wait, wait. Let me get my jacket.

- No, no, no. - No, no, no.

- Ma, you should, uh--

I don't know. Why don't you just stay?

Why don't you just stay?

- Well, why would I do that?

- Because-- because, uh, uh--

Oh, hi, honey. Mwah, yeah.

Uh, mom--

- M-marie, uh, uh--

You should stay here. - Why, frank?

- 'cause...

Then you and I could have some...

Alone time.

- Really?

Okay, well,

I guess we'll see you kids in a while.

- Okay. - All right.

- I hope everybody remembers this moment

When it's time to name the baby.

- [groans]

- Wait a minute, robert. Which way are you going?

This is the l.I.E. I said to take the bridge!

- Look, I know what I'm doing.

I--uh-oh.

- What "uh-oh"? Why "uh-oh"?

- Uh, uh, well, there seems to be a little traffic.

- Traffic! Traffic!

- Bridge! I said the bridge!

- A-all right then.

There must be an accident up ahead.

- Well, go around them. Just put your siren on.

- There's no room to move.

A siren would just annoy people.

Oh, maybe the bridge would have been faster.

- Would have been faster to put a stamp

On her butt and mail her.

- [groans]

Oh, my god! - What? What? What? What?

- Oh! Oh! The baby is coming right now!

- Keep your legs together!

- Oh, my god! Oh!

Oh! This is it! This is it!

- Dispatch, this is officer barone.

I'm on the l.I.E. I got a woman in labor.

I need an ambulance on the woodhaven exit.

Over!

- Oh!

- What are you doing? Where are you going?

- Oh! - What are you doing?

- If need be, I'm delivering this baby.

- No, you're not a doctor.

- Raymond, I've had training in emergency child delivery.

- No, no, I don't care. I don't care.

- You don't talk anymore. Move over!

Come on. Come in here, robert.

[groaning]

[panting]

- Holy moses.

What are you looking at?

- I-I'm waiting for the baby, raymond.

- Your eyes got to be so open?

- All right, I'm going need something to wrap the baby in.

Raymond, give me your shirt.

- What? No, no, no.

- Punch him and take that shirt, robert!

- All right, all right, all right.

Man, this is not right.

This is against god.

Thou shalt not look at thy brother's wife there.

- That's not a commandment.

- It didn't have to be a commandment.

It's so bad, god just figured that it was understood.

- Oh! Aah! Aah!

Ray, ray, where's my relaxation music?

- I don't have the tape, honey. - Honey, I need my music.

- I don't have the-- - I got to have my music!

- [singing] you are the sunshine of my life

Whoa

That's why I'll always be around--

You're looking too much. - What the--stop it.

- [singing] you are the apple of my eye--

- Stop it, stop it! - Stop bothering him!

He's delivering our child!

- All right, well, deliver already.

Start delivering!

- Well, actually, debra, you're--you're--

You're not set to pop.

- What do you mean?

- Well, I-I don't think I'm seeing

What I'm supposed to be seeing.

- What do you mean? You're seeing everything!

What else are you supposed to see?

- A head!

- No, maybe it's not hurting so much anymore.

- Well, you stop looking then. Stop looking.

- I think I'll go back up there

And wait for the traffic to start moving...

In case the traffic starts moving.

- Sorry, everybody.

- Aw, you did great, honey, just great.

- Thanks.

- Here you go, ray.

Here's your little girl.

- Oh, boy.

[baby cooing]

- Oh, look at her, ray.

- Hi, ally.

- Excuse me.

We can't hold your mother back any longer.

She just turned over a gurney.

- Okay, let them in.

We should keep the baby between us and her

Like a shield.

- Oh. - Oh, look at her.

- Yeah, here she is.

- There she is.

[sniffs] the fountain of youth.

I'm sucking in that youth.

[sniffs] oh, man, is that great stuff?

- Yeah. [laughter]

Ma, you want to see the baby?

- I see her.

Very nice.

- Marie, I want you to hold her.

- No, no. It's fine.

I know my place.

Give her to me. Oh!

Oh, oh, ally, sweet baby.

I'm your grandma, sweetie.

- Okay, we're going to need a little privacy now.

It's time for our first breast-feeding lesson.

- Aw. - Okay, guys.

- Oh, ally, sweetie.

- Yeah, we'll see grandma soon. - I'll come back.

Yes. - Okay.

- Okay. Bye.

- See you guys downstairs.

- Do I have to go? 'cause I already--

- You've seen enough!

[upbeat music]

[applause]

- Do you want to go home now?

- No, no, we can stay.

[stevie wonder's "you are the sunshine of my life"]

Want to dance with me?

- That's okay. You don't like the slow songs.

- No, I want to.

It's going fast enough.

- [singing] that's why I'll always be around

- [singing] you are the apple of my eye

Forever you'll--