Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

[HIP-HOP INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[RUMBLING]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

EMCEE: Give it up for the Real Earthquake!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE HOOTING AND WHISTLING]

Yeah, I'm gonna get them to pick that God damn money up.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

What's up, Tempe? How y'all doing?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Tempe!

Scottsdale.

Phoenix. Which one are you?

[AUDIENCE CLAMORING]

Y'all all them motherfuckers.

Hell, I don't know what you are, but I know when you come here, you need all your clothes.

It'll be 80 at 3:00.

And then below 30 at 4:00.

Motherfucker don't know what to wear.

Y'all do got that slave heat down here, though.

People say ain't no climate change, shit!

Anybody black knows climate change.

I know it's climate change.

Take a whole bottle to get this ash off my black ass.

When I put lotion on, it's like it's hitting the pipe. [SUCKS IN AIR]

[SUCKS IN AIR] God damn!

Then I turn white again. [SUCKS IN AIR]

This motherfucker, I need some Vaseline.

[SUCKS IN AIR]

My skin ain't never been that dry.

Some of y'all niggas in here right now, look at your hands.

Thought it was your hand. It's a plate, nigga. It's a plate.

My girl be trying to put some... Some lotion on my ass.

I said "Mmm-mmm."

Ass always gotta look ashy.

[ALL LAUGHING]

You never want your ass being soft.

Fuck it, when you're locked up, that's your ass.

Keep your ass lookin' like you don't even wanna go there. Mmm-hmm.

I want my ass to look haunted.

He'd be looking at that ass, "I don't even want that one."

That was what I told motherfuckers.

If I was gay, I had to be the poker and not the pokee.

If I'm the pokee, we ain't gonna never make love.

We gonna stay at the divorce counselor.

I told him I wasn't that kind of guy.

My friend, man, motherfucker losing them women over any kind of way.

My man, he let this woman go because she kept on touching the thermostat.

Nigga, it would be 90 degrees, she's still wearing a coat.

He said... He said... [CHUCKLING]

He said it'd be so hot in that motherfucker he'd feel like a slave.

[HUMMING]

[SINGING] ♪ Oh, Jesus ♪

These ain't jokes.

Police, these motherfuckers are crazy here.

Shoot a motherfucker in a wheelchair.

[ALL LAUGHING]

In the back.

While he's trying to get away.

-[MIMICS WHEELCHAIR ZOOMING] -[MIMICKING GUNSHOTS]

'Cause he's... [LAUGHING]

I don't give a fuck if y'all laugh or not, you know it happened.

Shot him in the back.

This nigga was stealing some tools.

Police said he feared for his life.

"I thought the nigga was gonna run over my toes."

Y'all police don't give a fuck!

Shoot a nigga in the back

in a wheelchair.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

O.J. free.

-[AUDIENCE HOOTING] -Yeah, that nigga off on parole.

White women, look out!

The Juice is loose.

[LAUGHS AND TAPS MIC]

He looking for some white women for dinner.

Some of y'all ain't laughing, I don't give a fuck.

That nigga's on parole, he's free!

Seventy-four with dementia.

Just in the club, what's happening?

Bill Cosby in the car.

[AUDIENCE BOOING AND LAUGHING]

Some of you can't get him, I get him!

"I got some Puddin' Pop, I got Puddin' Pop.

"Who want the Puddin' Pop?"

Bill out here just takin' pussy.

Just at the club, dropping a pill. Mmm.

Just sitting back, "Look how she's fighting that medicine.

"That motherfucker strong!

"I should've gave her 1000 milligram.

"That 500 ain't doing shit.

"Look how she fighting that medicine."

These ain't jokes.

He got out, though.

Hanging with O.J.

O from the go.

Women out here gettin' all kind of surgeries now.

I ain't got nothing against it.

Matter of fact, I endorse it.

You can do some shit to make yourself look better.

But it really tells you where a woman is in their life now.

When I see a woman, boy, she looking rough, I'm, like, "Oof!"

[ALL LAUGHING]

You need a stimulus package.

Ain't nobody invested in you.

There's no reason for your nose to look like that.

You could fix that motherfucker if you wanted to.

Some of you ain't laughing 'cause you in here.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You could take a four to a ten

if you invest in it the right way.

People don't know, you gotta get a good one.

Then, you know, some women, they do all the surgeries.

Yeah, they go get out there and get that pussy rebuilt.

I was fucking with a chick, she went and got her shit regenerated and shit.

Came back, that motherfucker was drier than a cracker.

Wasn't nothing wet in that motherfucker.

I was spitting in there, "Come on.

"Somebody gotta lube this motherfucker up."

I thought she needed to go back and put a sprinkler system in this motherfucker.

Ain't no water in this motherfucker.

I can't keep getting this friction.

We about to start a fire.

We can't be fucking on these cotton sheets.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

When you was young, you look for a woman with all that bullshit,

titties, ass and everything.

No, when you get in your 40s and 50,

you need to find you a caregiver.

You need somebody to help your ass.

Side chicks are terrible caregivers.

They don't read prescriptions right or nothing.

They don't respect your dietary restrictions.

Coming home with chicken fingers.

Bitch, you know I got high blood pressure. You better...

You supposed to bring some... [LAUGHING]

Some spinach in this motherfucker or some celery.

Coming in here with these hot wings from Popeyes.

And you wanna know why I got a headache and my dick don't get hard.

You ain't got a good woman in your life,

you better look at one of your kids.

That motherfucker gonna be your caregiver.

I got three kids. Nigga, I only trust one of 'em.

And if I was in the nursing home and one of my daughters came to pick me up,

and I look at 'em, they say "Your daughter here to get you."

I'm like "Mmm-mmm. Take me back upstairs.

"Let me use your phone.

"I'll find somebody else to pick me up."

Just put me at the bus stop. I'll catch a ride before I ride with them home.

That motherfucker right there beat me.

Just put me in front of the TV and won't clean me for four days.

Flies be all on me.

I be shitting on myself.

She be slapping me. "You never loved me."

I did once you made it.

Once you made it, you was my child.

Jada Pinkett's just doing Will wrong.

I'm telling the Fresh Prince, nigga, get upset.

She'd had the entanglement, had a young nigga over there fucking her in the house.

Got Will on here taking all kinds of chances.

Seen a nigga on the moon taking pictures.

I said, get your ass off of that motherfucker.

[CHUCKLING] Over in China...

In Thailand, underwater, in caves...

This nigga trying to die legally.

What's wrong? These niggas make motherfuckers with money look bad,

You get that kind of money, you don't pose...

You got 99 problems, your woman ain't supposed to be one.

You got money? Fuck that, nigga. You...

He got to have, like, at least about two-three hundred million.

You got that motherfucker, they talking about "Sex was terrible

"with the Fresh Prince."

I love Tupac.

Love a nigga that ain't even here no more.

I don't know, is it worse for him or God damn Kanye?

Crying for Kim.

"Bring me back, please me..."

First of all, nigga, you married the work.

Now, we have a rule in DC, you never marry the work.

It's the kitty, nigga. That's for everybody.

You're not supposed to keep the kitty for yourself.

It's the work. And now you out here crying for her and shit.

She's single now, motherfucker.

Trying to be a lawyer. I might have to hook up with her.

Get that heat on me.

These ain't jokes.

I don't fuck with white women. I'm not prejudiced,

I just... My preference... I gotta be with a black woman.

-[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] -Don't clap for that shit.

I would like to have a diverse portfolio.

Well, I just... I just... I just...

I just love the fuck outta our women.

That attitude work for me. I need to know.

I don't like no docile, quiet motherfucker.

You make me scared in the house.

I'll be walking over there, "Bitch, whatchu thinking?

"You ain't said shit all night, say something!"

I like a motherfucker that has that ghetto attitude.

Type of motherfucker put you out, change the locks at your house.

What we gonna do with Al Sharpton?

This motherfucker's a staple.

Ain't no eulogy he'll skip.

I love Al to death, man. God bless him.

I'm telling you right now, he better not lose another ounce.

This nigga's disappearing.

I was watching him on MSNBC. Went to take a piss and then came back,

that nigga was gone.

I said "Something wrong with my Fire Stick."

And I seen, he was between the resolution lines.

This nigga skinnier than a motherfucker.

This nigga is blowing between the H and the D.

Our ancestors are some bad motherfuckers.

I have the utmost respect for them.

Al Sharpton and them marching motherfuckers,

stabbed them and they still believe in the cause.

And I'll tell y'all right now,

as a black man,

and a man that makes his money off trying to get us equality,

we are a hard race on our leaders.

Them motherfuckers go through it.

I can't even understand how Martin Luther King did it.

And I'm being honest with myself.

I, personally speaking, when I seen all them movies of Martin Luther King marching,

I'm, like, "Phew. Glad I came later."

'Cause there ain't no way I'm walking on that bridge

with them crackers hitting me with rocks and shit.

I make one march.

Martin come knocking on there the next time, come on!

Shit! Look at my eye, nigga.

I ain't got it, fuck that shit.

We gotta find another way.

Fuck freedom.

I don't want it no more, Martin.

I don't want freedom, look at my eye.

I see three of you.

Poor Wendy Williams.

She's going through everything that men go through

[AUDIENCE TITTERING AND LAUGHING]

Motherfucker married the wrong motherfucker,

get your money and build another motherfucker up.

That's what happened.

It's hard on you.

Your woman...

In that case, her man.

Find a young... A younger motherfucker.

Use all the money... Your money.

Build that bitch up, she fine and everything.

You desperate, all on your show, trying to date anybody.

It's killing her.

Now, why, man? It's hard on her.

Funniest shit was when she fainted, nigga.

No, I made sure she was all right.

But after I knew that, nigga, I laughed.

Put that shit on the DVR and I said, "Look at this motherfucker."

Yeah, it was, like, "Timber!"

And she tall, nigga. It looked like a big-ass tree.

I'll bet you, ain't no one motherfucker pick her up by herself.

Took two motherfuckers to get her up.

It's hard to go to work and you making money

and another motherfucker using it.

Men been going through that shit all they life.

That's why white men don't get no divorce. They kill they bitches.

"You gonna take half my shit, you goin' fishing.

"Get in the boat, bitch. Get in the boat."

"Where are we going?" "Don't worry about it."

"Where are we going, Billy?" "Don't worry about it.

"Just get your shit and get in the boat.

"Keep rolling that way.

"Look over there. What's over there?" [BANGS]

Hit her ass with a hammer.

Wake up the next morning with a flier.

"I don't know where... [MUMBLING]

"She went to Walmart at 4:30 in the morning."

Got the whole neighborhood looking for that ho.

She underneath the porch.

But Wendy going through it, I feel her.

So I'm making that bread, man.

The person you thought loved you...

Gone with your money, then get a young girl,

buy her all this shit.

You all on your show trying to find a man.

Make you just have a nervous fucking breakdown.

She's strong. She's man enough.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I just be fucking with Wendy. She fuck with everybody else.

Take a joke.

Hell, these ain't nothing but jokes.

What about Jussie Smollett?

This lyin' motherfucker.

This nigga told a barbershop lie.

[ALL LAUGHING]

You know, the barbershop lie.

When the nigga walk in there,

"Nigga, you ain't even gonna believe this."

This nigga coming with a barbershop lie.

This nigga said, 3:00, he went to go get a Subway sandwich.

When he was walking down there, motherfucker called him racial epithets,

gay slurs,

had a MAGA hat on,

threw bleach and a foreign object on him,

and put a noose around his neck.

I said, "Damn, nigga. All them niggas found you."

Every racist group there was said, "There you go, let's get him together."

[CHUCKLES]

They got his ass.

I knew he was lying, though.

No, I knew the motherfucker was lying.

You know, 'cause when they interviewed the nigga,

he was still holding the Subway sandwich.

But he had the noose around his neck,

while he had the footlong right here.

I said "This nigga didn't let go of the sandwich?"

I love a footlong, but not if a nigga hanging me.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I had to let a woman go 'cause of Subway.

No, man. Listen, man. Listen.

Everybody know, when you get your food to go,

you're supposed to check shit before you get home.

We go get some food before we go see the football

and we get home in time to watch the game on TV.

So, you know, we get our food, drive home, get home just in motherfucking time.

[MIMICS BRAKES SCREECHING]

I got my food out, nigga, I'm 'bout to eat my shit,

puttin' the potato chip down.

I hear in the other room, "God damn it!"

I said, "What, baby?" "They fucked my sandwich up."

I said "What'd they do, boo?"

"They ain't put none of the ingredients on there what I asked for."

I said, "What'd they leave off?" "They ain't put no pickles, no mayonnaise.

"None of the stuff!" I'm, like, "Damn. We need to go back!"

I'm like, "Fuck!"

She said, "What's wrong?"

I said, "I just don't understand how this happened."

She said, "Whatchu mean you don't understand how this happened?"

I said, "We was at Subway.

"They fixed your sandwich in your face.

"What did you do when you asked them..."

[ALL LAUGHING]

"...for lettuce? What'd you do, turn around?"

And slid on down, yeah, put some salt and pepper on that.

Cut it in four. That's a combo, that's a combo.

What did you do when you told 'em what you wanted?

Can't fuck with no woman that can't get a Subway sandwich, man.

Can't have no woman of my dreams and the mother of my children

who can't get a sandwich right.

Y'all gotta give it up to LeBron James.

I know some will boo my ass,

don't fuck with that nigga...

LeBron James,

listen to me, is a unicorn.

Real tall. He's a fucking unicorn.

You will never, ever see what this brother did.

Fuck what he did on the court.

Tell you who he is as a man, especially as a black man.

Fucking LeBron James came from a broken home

where him and his mother had to go house to house,

to house, to house, to house, to house, to house. No father.

Then he had expectations on him at 16 and 17,

as the chosen one on Sports Illustrated.

So he already had expectation.

In other words, what we say, the juice and everything.

Not only did that black man go through the pros,

he married his high school sweetheart, who happened to be black.

[AUDIENCE HOOTING AND APPLAUDING]

Usually, you know, when the brothers get that,

"It's time for me to get this white woman."

Some of y'all ain't laughing 'cause you're in here.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Married her.

You ain't heard no scandal.

Him being in no motherfucking... In no drugs, cheating on his wife

caught up, locked up, none of that shit.

Bro got four of his motherfucking boys, put 'em on.

And they all are independent millionaires on their own,

off the juice that he got 'em through the door,

and got 'em all through. Rich Paul, who's doing his shit.

The rest of 'em, he got 'em.

And also went back to his own motherfucking neighborhood

and put kids through God damn college and the rest of 'em.

You will never see no motherfucker like that.

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

You ain't heard no cocaine, rehab.

I'm telling you, man, I look at that motherfucker like, whoo...

You don't even know the pressure of being successful

and abundance of being able to do what the fuck you wanted to do.

And that brother was able to navigate and go through all that

and never, ever, ever been an embarrassment

to our fucking race.

And he came through what most of us come through, a single black mother

that got him all through and to hold on his own.

You will never see no motherfucker do that again.

Talk about, 'cause most of the time,

when they get that light on 'em, you know what happens.

And the first thing they say, "I never had no father."

Well, nigga, you knew you had no father a long time ago.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Your father didn't just leave today.

These ain't jokes.

LeBron. Shaq is another motherfucker ain't had no father.

That's what made me go to the YMCA

and all these AAU tournaments and be looking for these kids without fathers.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Fuck the stock market.

Catch that nigga when he eight, I could pay for these shoes till they go pro.

Look at his mama, he need a man in his life.

I've got my Jordans on

and all I wanna say,

I know Mike ain't played in these motherfuckers.

These bitches be killing my feet.

I know this nigga ain't put out 36.

[LAUGHING] Knees, motherfucker!

I know how women be feeling too 'cause really, right now, I feel like I need some flats.

[ALL LAUGHING]

But I wanna look cute, so look at this.

I really could use some slippers.

These corns, like, come on, nigga, how long we got?

I'll be seeing women [CHUCKLES]

holding and taking their shoes and putting them flats on.

I ain't got no problem with it.

'Cause every time I put these Js on,

I'd be wantin' to carry some slippers.

Dr. Dre got his divorce.

Some women be... They out their motherfucking mind.

She said she wanted a million dollars a month.

She's... They said to her, look, itemize why you need a million.

And she said $200,000 is for entertainment. I said...

This motherfucker must be having a concert to herself.

[ALL LAUGHING]

One million dollars!

I remember I was going through my divorce,

my wife was like, "I want $50,000 a month."

I said "I'll quit first.

"You heard the last joke, bitch."

I'll start working at McDonald's.

Nigga like, "Ain't that Earthquake?"

"Nigga, do you want a number two or do you want a number three?

"Take a picture and let her know I'm really working here.

"Post that shit."

That divorce is some hard-ass shit.

You know it. There's motherfuckers in here right now contemplating divorce.

When you look over there and say "Well, I really do love my truck and my dog."

[ALL LAUGHING]

"I'm gonna stay with her."

These ain't jokes.

Some of y'all in here right now more miserable than a motherfucker.

And that pandemic really fucked you up

because you ain't had no outlet.

You just in this motherfucker. "What's up?" "You know what's up."

I don't know about any other woman,

but when a black woman mad at you that motherfucker let everybody in the world know.

They be on the phone talking to you... Talking to people like you ain't even there.

"Yeah, girl, I don't know how long I can put up with this.

"I didn't sign up for this.

"Bad dick and struggling.

"Where they do that at?"

[ALL LAUGHING]

I should have stayed with Craig.

Should've stayed motherfucking with Craig.

Women do that shit.

Some people don't.

Find that right woman, you good.

Fuck with the wrong nigga, you're going to end up living with your mom.

And pandemic let your ass know that shit happen too.

-You just stuck there, like, "God damn!" -[WOMAN IN AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, she know it.

I can feel her fucking, like, whoo!

Just let me get a raise 'cause I'm gonna leave this motherfucker.

Can't do it right now, gas too high.

Know what I mean? If gas go up one more motherfucking penny,

I'm telling you, I'mma vote for Trump.

It's a joke, motherfucker.

Gas is high. Now, you gotta make up excuses.

My son, like, "Daddy, give me a ride to school."

I said, "I would nigga, but I ain't going that way."

[ALL LAUGHING]

"I gotta make that right, you need to go left.

"I just got enough time to make my appointment."

That's the hardest shit when you go through a divorce, too.

'Cause you're going through... It's really...

'Cause you... Especially if you've got kids,

'Cause you're sitting there, you gotta protect their interests,

you wanna let them know

"It ain't got nothing to do with you.

"Just me and your motherfucking mama."

Ain't compatible, that's all.

I'm a strong believer that you can be a father without being a husband,

boyfriend, or even a friend.

What we supposed to do is co-parent

and be in the best interests of our child.

Some of y'all women be holding your kids like hostages,

feeling it's a package deal.

And see, I'm a real nigga. I do not negotiate with terrorists.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No, I don't.

But you have to do what you have to do.

You have to show your child that it is

the love of them that's the most important in your life.

So no matter what she do to you,

you, as a man supposed to brush that shit off,

And the reason why you supposed to brush shit off

because, to be quite honest with you,

all men are accountable for the decision they make.

And you decided to marry that motherfucker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And you decided to go roll up in that motherfucker.

Send your dick in there like Rambo with no backup.

So you must take on the responsibility that comes along with it.

And I never had no problem with it.

My son is in here somewhere now.

That's my motherfucking man, me and him.

Spend a million dollars just to see that nigga Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays,

No, that was... Nigga, these ain't jokes.

And then, that was... That was...

Visitation rights for me to see my son

Tuesday, Wednesdays and Thursday, 2:00-6:00.

I remember one time I took him home about 6:30.

We was having a good time at Chuck E. Cheese.

And when I got there, police was there and everything.

Her lawyer was there.

I had violated my court order.

Yeah, because I was supposed to have him at 6:00.

If you don't bring them back at 6:00, and I brought him back at 6:30,

you are in violation and you are in contempt.

And then that's when they call their lawyer,

which you pay for.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

No, real talk.

And they do this shit called ex parte.

Ex partemeans I need to see the judge today.

Right now. And since I got all the money, in the state of California,

you must pay, when you go through divorce,

each counsel's fee.

And you must... She must have equal counsel such as yours.

So if you have a $500-an-hour lawyer,

she must have a $500-an-hour.

So if you 30 minutes late,

and they say that it's ex parte, and you're in violation of your court order,

her lawyer come down, it's a minimum charge of four hours.

So that's five... That's two stacks.

Then there's a minimum of four hours for mine

That's a new $2,000.

It's $5,000 to the court.

And we ain't even sayin' shit.

So you there the whole motherfucking time, the clock is just ticking.

And you can see the judge.

Judge said "Why did you bring him home late?

I said "We was having a good time.

"He said "If you do it again, I'mma hold you in contempt

"and I'mma fine you." I was, like, bet.

So me and my son, when he was young, was hanging,

it get, like, 5:55, I just push that nigga in the yard.

"Go on, get in there."

He said, "Daddy." "Mmm-mmm, hug me from here.

"Costs 10,000 dollars to keep you late."

Kids are crazy, man.

I got a friend. He brought his kids some clothes for Christmas.

Kids looked at him and said, "That ain't no motherfucking gift.

"You supposed to buy me clothes.

"Where's the Xbox?

"How you gonna get clothes?"

And these young people don't pay shit.

They get over on everything.

I feel like a sucker 'cause I got cable.

My son ain't got no cable,

nigga, he get the fights and everything for free.

I was, like, "Is the fight on?" [MIMICS TYPING]

He watching it, nigga.

I just paid $80.

You feel like a sucker.

That's how you do it all the time.

He living, I call him Lil Duval 'cause this motherfucker's living his best life.

And I'm so proud of him. 'Cause I told him, boy,

I'd be doing the same shit he doing if I had a father like me.

You see, my mother lived with my grandmother.

She told her "Do not have another child.

"You're already at four.

"Number five ain't coming in this motherfucker."

And guess who was number five?

Me.

So when she got pregnant with me,

my grandmother said "Listen to me,

"soon as he able to walk, he gonna walk [CHUCKLES] the fuck up out of here."

So I started taking my first step.

My grandmama seen it and said "He gotta go."

My brothers are like, "We tried to tell you, nigga, crawl.

"But you just had to show Madea you can walk."

These ain't jokes.

Had to go. So she gave me to her sister, which is my aunt,

what I call as my mother,

and said "Hold on to my child till I get on my feet."

As her sister, older, says, "Sure, I'll have it."

Her sister was doing well. She had a husband.

And she had two kids.

But she was able to have a man to marry her with her two kids.

I didn't know none of this shit until I was older.

And my... My... Not my biological mother,

but the woman that raised me was a bad motherfucker.

As a woman.

So when she raised me and had me and had me there the whole time,

my mother finally got on her feet and got her own place.

By that time, I was about six years old.

She came to get me and she had one more child.

So we came in here. I used to see my brothers all the time.

She said, "Okay, I want you to live with me now."

And when I went in there, my brothers was in bunk beds.

-They only had... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They ain't had their own room.

I had my own room over at her's.

I was the only boy.

I was living good.

So my mother said... She said "Come on, I want you to live with me."

You know, being a comedian... I didn't know I was a comedian, but I knew.

I was like "Nah, I'm gonna stay where I'm at.

"Grandma was right. You got to get your shit together."

[ALL LAUGHING]

"Get your ass outta here!"

So I lived

with my aunt, which I called my mother.

And it was great 'cause I get to hang out with my brothers.

They lived in the hard part of town, Southeast DC.

And I lived kinda in the suburbs, nigga.

So I'd get to go over there, see the action,

but don't have to stay over there.

See, I was bounced from both homes and shit like that,

When one motherfucker make you mad, you run over there.

Other motherfucker make you mad, you run back over there.

Do all that kind of shit.

But I was getting hell from my cousins,

who was my aunt's... Her two children.

Them motherfuckers was just, why don't you move back with your family?

We found you on the railroad tracks.

I said "I don't give a fuck where you found me, I ain't leaving, nigga."

And they used to say that shit all the time, they didn't... Didn't cover nothing.

What really made me mad is,

I did not know my uncle, which was married to my aunt,

that those was not his kids.

Had I known that,

I'd have wore their ass out.

We both in this bitch lucky.

But they ain't tell me that shit till I was like in my 30s.

I was madder than a motherfucker.

I said "You're gonna tell me... you're just telling me this shit?

You know, I could've fought these motherfuckers."

UFC fight, I love that shit. But that's some brutal-ass shit.

I watch UFC and I'm like, there's gotta be a better way to get a check.

These niggas, motherfuckers be elbowing... [GRUNTS]

And then shake hands after it's over.

Nigga, you crazy.

I'd be looking at the ref, "Take these gloves off.

"'Cause I'm gonna get a pistol.

"I'm gonna shoot this nigga. Look what he did to my eye.

"I ain't shaking his hand.

"Fuck him!"

One thing I wanna say to any fighters that's watching this shit,

I don't wanna hear about your bios no more.

"I grew up without a father... [MIMICS WHINING]

"And I got out of jail..." Fuck all that!

I don't wanna hear... I only got two questions for you.

Can you fight and are you gonna fight tonight?

I don't want to hear nothing about your woman and... Fuck all that!

As soon as you do all the... [WHINING]

Nigga, fall out.

Tired of it. And another thing I'm tired of,

stop bringing your kids and your wife to the fight.

You in there getting your ass whooped

in front of your children.

You ain't gonna never discipline that nigga again.

You look at your son "Take the trash out!"

"You ain't said that shit to that nigga last night.

"He was whooping your motherfucking ass.

"It's easy for you to jump on a little eight-year-old"

You know, we all on edge about this school shooting.

I was scared one time, though.

I turned on the TV... I was sleeping, I turned on the TV.

And I see my little nephew's school was on the TV.

They said "We have a random shooter in the school."

I said "Oh, shit! That's my nephew's school.

"Oh, shit!" They said...

"The gunman is shooting students in the library."

I went back to sleep.

I said "I know he ain't in there.

"I've seen his grades.

"If he got shot in there, that's God's will."

[ALL LAUGHING]

'Cause he never go in there, God wanted this to happen.

You can't fight against the Lord.

Went back to sleep.

I was up, I was nervous.

But when they said the gunman was shooting people in the library,

no, he wouldn't be there.

[CHUCKLING]

Out back, smoking a blunt? Yeah.

But there's a new drug out here, man.

Sweeping the country, I'm telling you right now,

more powerful than crack,

fentanyl.

Shit is called Amazon.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You really got it bad when you Prime, nigga. You Prime!

You don't even go to the store no more. Fuck the grocery store!

Have this shit by tomorrow.

Trucks be pulling up. Damn, that's an ugly driver.

You ain't got no fine motherfucker to bring this shit?

I was terrible. I had only one good job.

My brother still works.

This motherfucker always trying to get unemployment.

White dude was smart this time.

His last supervisor said, "Tyrone, you could quit, but I ain't firing you."

He'd be out back smoking a blunt.

"Fire me!" "Mmm-mmm, put it out and come on in."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"We need these cheesesteaks fixed."

"Fire me, motherfucker!"

"You could quit, Tyrone, but I ain't firing you."

Working is some hard motherfucking shit.

I don't know why people tell you you get some good feeling from working.

I was in the military, man, and...

One of the best times in my life,

but one of the most scariest times in life

'cause I am the only man in the United States whose name is in the Pentagon

for dropping a nuclear weapon in the United States.

These are not jokes.

I'm a 462 SAC Air Command. Loaded nuclear weapons in the B-52s

in Barksdale Air Force when I first got...

Left my mama house.

Now, if you know anything about nuclear ordnances,

we have three ways to do 'em.

We send them through the air, through submarines,

and, of course, silos.

Well, my job was loading nuclear weapons on B-52s.

Now, you know...

All my life, all the good things and bad things, have a common denominator,

women.

And this story is no different.

I'm in, you know... Back in the day, I'm loading nuclear weapons.

And, you know, we supposed to exchange the nuclear weapons,

the ordnance in the B-52s every 30 days.

The reason why you change the ordnance is because

the Russians have spy satellites.

Spies tell them which bombs are in which planes.

And if they know which ordnance is in each plane,

they know the capability of the plane of the mission.

So they tell us, every 30 days, to change the ordnance.

So, undercover...

So the Russians don't know which plane got what.

When that nuke... When we, what we call...

When a plane takes off and it has a nuke in it, that means it is war.

Because against the Geneva Treaty, you cannot fly a plane

with a hot ordnance in it.

So what we do all the time, every time, we do, like, an elephant walk,

That's where the planes just go around the flight line,

come on back and park back right there.

They used to tell women all the time,

sometimes you don't know if it's an elephant walk or they really gonna take off.

That's just the exercise.

And I told the woman, I said "Hey, look,

"I know you're looking for the man of your dreams,

"but if that plane take off, you might as well give me that pussy tonight.

"Because you only got four hours.

"And the man you want, he might not be here.

"And if he is, you ain't gonna want him 'cause he's gonna be burnt."

These are not jokes. It's true shit.

So...

Luke, you know what I mean?

2 Live Crew, back in the day when they first came out.

You've seen them. Luke had about 125 women.

These motherfuckers was finer than a motherfucker.

And they was coming to our city.

So I put on the board,

I, Sergeant Stroman, will not be here this Friday.

I'm taking a day of leave so I can see Luke.

It's in one hour. Nigga, I had my tickets all ready.

Pop That Coochie. Doo Doo Brown,nigga.

[CHUCKLES] Nigga, I'm coming to see him.

We got ugly chicks where I live at. These are Miami motherfuckers.

Thursday come, I look at the schedule.

Whose fucking name is up for rotating the munitions

on the plane? Sergeant Stroman.

I said "Hey, First Sergeant. I was supposed to have this day off.

He said "I know, we got people sick.

"All you gotta do, Sergeant Stroman, just come in tomorrow,

"change the nuke, and you can leave and go see Luke."

Now I'm pissed off.

I'm not the type of person

to do shit that they don't wanna do. And I'm not gonna do it right.

So, of course, they got a checklist that you supposed to check

and make sure you do all the necessary precautions to put this nuke up.

Hey, I done this shit for 30 God damn times.

I don't need that checklist.

Come on, let's put this bitch up so I can go see Luke.

We put it up under the bomb bay of the B-52. We put it in there.

Now, they're supposed to have four grease fittings that put it in.

Supposed to check all four.

I'm in a rush.

Only two got in there.

True story.

So I bring the rack down, thinking I got four but only two there,

move the rack out, then I hear... [MIMICS CREAKING NOISE]

Bam! Then the motherfucker just came and hit the ground.

Boom!

Everybody started running.

I'm, like "What the fuck you running for?"

This a nuke.

This motherfucker about to take out the whole country.

I don't give a fuck how fast you is, you can't outrun a nuke.

I'm being a black man covering my own ass.

I started taking the grease pencil, checking the shit.

Saying, yeah, I did all these checks.

Covering my ass.

True story.

All of a sudden, you see ambulance...

I mean, trucks coming.

Base Commander coming, all them motherfuckers coming.

They done woke up the President.

We have had a Broken Arrow...

for a nigga trying to see Luke.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Base Commander coming in here, he's a two-star general.

He know he ain't gonna get his third now

'cause he done had a nuke fall under his motherfucking watch.

He cussing me out, calling me everything

but a child of God.

I ain't hearing none of that shit.

All I'm hearing is, "I ain't gonna get to see these bitches.

"This is bullshit."

"I wasn't even supposed to be here."

So they grab the checklist, give it to the quality insurance inspector,

make sure you followed all the proper protocols on it,

and they rushed all of us to the hospital

for blood analysis, see if we were we on anything.

They draw the blood and everything. Come back with my lab results.

"He wasn't on anything but incompetence."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So when I come back, they don't, you know...

They don't let me touch no more planes.

They put me in the snack bar.

You seen the movie in the snack bar.

[CHUCKLES] The niggas that come home from the war,

he got the cocoa for him and shit.

"What's up, Bob? It ain't nothing..."

Got the towel on there, wiping shit. That's me.

All my friends laughing at me.

"They won't let you touch no missiles.

"Your ass in the snack bar."

And, see, I try to tell people, that's how I am.

See, I'm a factual person.

Perceptually, never, ever fuck with me.

I deal with facts.

And though I was in the snack bar, I was still winning.

'Cause one thing you might not know about the military,

though we fight communism,

military practice it.

And what I mean by that, I was an E-5 at the time.

Now the E-5 loading missiles, which I was doing,

get the same pay as an E-5 at the snack bar.

[ALL LAUGHING]

So... [CHUCKLES]

So who would you rather be?

The motherfucker inside that's passing out doughnuts

or the motherfucker out there all night, just putting up missiles?

That's how it works.

Like I told you all before, my son, he's in here.

And I love him to death. One thing, I do love him,

that I try to spend time with him, he love it, but I hate it...

It's fishing.

We go out and be out there for eight hours,

this motherfucker catch two fish.

I told him all the time, "We just passed all these fishmarkets.

"We can go in that motherfucker and get whatever fish your heart desires of catching."

[CHUCKLING]

"If it makes you feel bad, when I get home, I'll put it on a hook for you.

"I'll run some water in the sink,

"you can get your rod in that motherfucker, and I'll put it in the sink,

"and I'll hold the string while you fight it for tension."

These are not jokes.

They've got this show on TV. Extremely...

Extremely fucking cheap people.

Remind me of my brother, that nigga is real cheap.

But I'll see a lot of people on that show that's cheaper.

Putting... Washing their clothes in the pool.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

Y'all know who do that.

My Caucasian brothers and sisters.

But they did have a black man on there.

I was surprised that he had a woman.

This motherfucker was making his own liquor.

Cooked his food off the top of the heat of his engine in his car.

The sister was with him, I said, whoo!

She really... The pickings must be real slim.

But these ain't jokes.

Gotta get rid of this belly, though.

Trying to work out but the shit just ain't working out.

You don't know how long a minute is until you get on that treadmill.

You be on that bitch, "Damn, this a long song."

I didn't even know this song was so long.

I mean, when I went to the gym, nigga,

I stayed on the treadmill, they said I only lost 15 calories.

I said "I ate that over here."

Fucked around and came to the gym and gained weight.

I remember, I was at the gym, I was so motherfucking tired,

nigga I called the Uber from the gym.

Like, he said, "Where you at?" I said "I'm inside.

"Come pick me up."

"I'm beside this machine called the Eucalis or something, nigga.

"Come pick a motherfucker up.

"Give me a ride to my car.

"My car outside."

I smell food and gain weight, nigga.

Me and this belly gonna have to break up.

And these inner thighs.

Oh, it ain't by myself, I see a lot of you niggas in here rubbing.

You know what you... [EXCLAIMS]

In here, you light-skinned.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Black all over here, but here you light-skinned.

This motherfucker ain't never seen the sun.

Don't get no light, just...

No hair don't grow. Balder than a motherfucker in here.

You know where it's at.

[CHUCKLES]

New York got a black police commissioner.

Niggas, y'all going to jail.

A black police commissioner?

All y'all are going to jail.

I be watching The First 48hours.

What I'll never understand, they'd be like "Where were you

"on Tuesday at 3:00?"

And they're like "Let me think about it."

I'd be like "I don't know where I was at, but I know I ain't killed no motherfucker."

[ALL LAUGHING]

I know what... What I didn't do.

But you can always tell when they about to snitch.

They were like "Man, you ain't even gonna believe this."

They go to that barbershop lie.

"Where was you at?" "I was with my mama."

"You weren't with your damn mama."

"That's the truth."

My kid's in here, man.

Had me a TV show, man. Finally got my turn.

Come to fruition.

-[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] -Yeah!

Get that God damn money!

Find me a honey.

Yeah.

I'mma get married again.

I thought I'd never get married again.

This time I said, well, I'm gonna try.

I think I found the right one this time.

Yeah, nigga. When you pick the wrong one, nigga, you be like "Whoo, Jesus!"

Lot of y'all going through that now.

That pandemic let you know if you really love the motherfucker.

'Cause you ain't had no outside activities.

We just had to sit there, like, damn.

Same tuna fish again.

[LAUGHING]

Some of y'all ain't laughing, I don't give a fuck.

I don't. I really don't.

And poor Arizona, Phoenix.

Trump still got you all out down here, counting ballots.

"Count 'em again!"

He send the cyber ninja for you, motherfucker.

They motherfuckers... Y'all might don't know it or not,

and I know a lot of y'all motherfuckers don't wanna know,

but they was trying to have a coup.

They said "Fuck with everybody who voted, nigga."

They was together trying to steal that fucking election.

Fuck who voted on that motherfucker.

Not saying it's white.

Put it this way, it's the ideology of the white man,

of the man he thinks.

It's like riding in a car.

You should be lucky to be in the car, but you have no right to know

or even ask or demand the destination.

You can see it all day long.

They're sitting there.

They treat everybody, an ideology that has nothing to do with color.

Just if you're not one of them, women, men or nothing. It's the same.

It's the same man will tell a woman

that she don't have the right to make a decision on her reproduction system

and when she can and cannot have a baby,

but that's the same white man who's saying, "Nigga, you can't make me wear no mask.

"I have a right not to wear a motherfucking mask."

But you can infringe on a woman

and tell her when she can or cannot have a fucking child.

And I'm going to tell y'all women sometime,

at some point, y'all gonna have to stand up for your God damn self.

Y'all keep on supporting these motherfuckers.

Because believe me, oh, believe me, if you can or not, as a man,

believe me, from the bottom of my heart,

if men had to take on the responsibility

of having children, believe me, abortion would be available

through the Drive-Thru at McDonald's, nigga.

You'd be able to pull up "Give me a number four.

"We gotta get this motherfucker out of there.

"Is that you, Earthquake?" "Yeah!

"You know, them hos always trying to hold a nigga down."

I'll see y'all later. I'm Earthquake. God bless you. Thanks!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]